High Anxiety
by EdwardsBloodType
Summary: Cute, trendy Bella returns home to escape the heartache of her past. She immediately befriends neighbors Jasper and Edward, bonding with them in the treehouse out back. Bella and Edward discover they have more in common than they ever dreamed of. AH A/U
1. Chapter 1 Returning Home

**All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**This story contains underage drug use, profanity, discussion of date rape, and sexually explicit acts. Mature readers only please.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 1~ Returning Home**

**Well I'm going home,  
Back to the place where I belong,  
And where your love has always been enough for me.  
I'm not running from.  
No, I think you got me all wrong.  
I don't regret this life I chose for me.  
But these places and these faces are getting old,  
So I'm going home.  
Well I'm going home.**

_**Home- Daughtry**_

**~Bella~**

We pulled into the driveway, the smoothly repaved blacktop gliding quietly underneath his truck tires. It looked exactly the same, but entirely different. The house was identical to how it was when I left five years ago, but it was creamy/ beige now, accented by burgundy shutters and a newly constructed wooden front porch. The landscaping was new, shrubs and bushes neatly manicured and arranged in the lush green lawn. Considering he had been a bachelor for so long, I had expected the house to look like a rundown piece of shit by now. It was a pleasant surprise to come home to the complete opposite.

"Dad, please don't overexert yourself. I can get the bags," I pleaded, while I watched my father lift the overstuffed suitcases from his truck.

He eyed me sideways, disdainfully ignoring my concern. Charlie, ever the manly man, was never one to accept assistance or pity, particularly from a woman. He had recently retired from the Forks police force when had been injured during a robbery, and his wounded leg rendered it difficult for him to stand for long periods of time. As a result he'd decided to open his own private investigation company based in Seattle. It had been doing rather well, proving to be a lucrative career, as cheating husbands and wives and their scornful mates were apparently plentiful.

I noticed that had acquired a minor limp, but only because I was looking for it. His hair had gotten slightly gray, lightened tufts sprouting out from the sides of his otherwise dark, wavy hair. His face still held its youthful manliness. When I was little I used to think he was the most handsome man in the whole world, and that I would most certainly marry him one day. He was still one of the most handsome men I had ever seen, but my silly, childish desires to wed my father were no more.

"Bella are you kidding me with all this luggage?" Charlie scowled as he hauled suitcase after suitcase from his truck begrudgingly, grunting and muttering under his breath. I smiled sheepishly at him before cringing. The heaviest suitcase, completely full of shoes was the last to go.

"Dad, I'm a sixteen year old girl, confused about life and social expectations, simply attempting to navigate my way in this ever confusing world while discovering myself and trying to maintain a healthy self image. A large variety of clothing and shoes helps me search for my true identity while at the same time providing an outlet for self expression and creativity." I snickered childishly while slinging a large hot pink duffle bag over my shoulder. "Plus it makes me look cute."

"That's funny, Bells. What, did you rehearse that on the plane? Don't be such a smartass," he chided. I rolled my eyes at him as he dumped the last of the bags in the hallway and threw his arm over my shoulder kissing my head. "I'm glad you're home, Honey. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Dad. The house looks great. It's about time you made some improvements." In my five year absence since he and my mother divorced, Charlie had the entire house redone. The whole kitchen had been replaced and modernized; two more bedrooms and two bathrooms were added to the upstairs as well as the addition of a huge den connected to the downstairs living room. It was still my home, but at the same time…not. I loved that the house was clean and new, but hated that it was no longer the home I grew up in.

"Yeah well, Esme convinced me that it was time to update. It's a good investment in the long run."

"Esme?" I asked with an eyebrow quirked, pausing as I started up the stairs.

He jerked his thumb in the direction of the house down the block. The monstrous, ostentatious, ill fitted for the neighborhood mini- mansion that had been constructed and moved into a year ago by the Cullen family.

The block Charlie lived on was a long, wooded dead end street with only two tiny houses on it. Alice Brandon and her mother lived across the street in a style house identical to this one. But this newly constructed eyesore on the end of the block, set back a few hundred feet into the woods, made the two existing houses look like pitiful little shacks compared to it. It was bigger than the home Phil had us move into and I thought that was huge. It was a beautiful home, but it didn't fit in Forks…at all.

Along with other town gossip, Charlie had filled me in on the changes to the neighborhood on the drive home from the airport. However, he neglected to give me specific details on the residents of the Cullen home.

"She's pretty, I gather?" I wiggled my eyebrows teasing Charlie about being immune to a gorgeous woman's seductive wiles.

"Yes, Esme is attractive, and very happily married. She's just exceptionally persuasive and good at her job, is all." Apparently, Esme Cullen used to own an interior design company in Chicago before she relocated.

_Whatever, Dad. Pretty woman sticks her knockers in your face and you drop a mound of dough to redecorate._

_Typical guy._

I stopped on the landing of the stairs, and went directly into my old/ new room. The walls had been painted a soft sage green color, very soothing and serene against the bright white moldings and trim. There was a large picture window that faced the street and another that faced the side of the yard with a partially hidden view of the mansion. I dumped the bag on the naked mattress of the queen sized black wrought iron bed and opened the closet. It was big, but not nearly large enough to house all the clothing and shoes that I had brought.

It wasn't even my fault, really. I had to place blame on my mother and on my friends in California. Appearances were key to social status and quite frankly, I had grown tired of sitting in the background in my ugly, understated apparel with my nose in book, growing envious of the girls who wore pretty clothes and always looked like they were having such a good time. And with my mother opening her second overpriced trendy boutique in L.A. she supplied all the fashion I needed for free. Plus, I really liked having options. It was like playing dress up every day, getting to be whomever I felt like when I woke each morning. I liked very much not having to commit to one specific defining style, so I dressed eclectically, as my mother labeled it.

I opened the top drawer of the newly purchased black desk to find it empty, as were all of the other drawers in the room. I wondered what Charlie had done with my old furniture, and all of the stuff I had left behind in my mother's haste to be free from the binds of marriage to Charlie Swan..

Truthfully, it was weird being back here, almost as if I was trapped in an alternate universe. I had lived my whole life in Forks, until my mom finally couldn't stand being suffocated in this tiny town any longer and decided she needed to "find" herself. It took five states, five different schools, three different boyfriends for her and five different groups of friends for me before she finally settled in California.

That's where she met her husband, Phil. He had recently been signed to the LA Dodgers and with that promotion came a substantial pay raise, as well as our final move and my fifth school in as many years. They purchased a tremendous home in a posh, exclusive neighborhood with a pool in the park like yard, fit for an episode of MTV Cribs. My mother almost pissed herself when she saw the master bathroom and walk in closet. Money changed people, but my mother seemed to remain grounded, choosing to earn her own income with her boutiques. I was never allowed to be spoiled by Phil's' good fortune, however, occasionally, he would indulge me with something such as an iPod, or my car.

Across the street from that home resided Bree Fields, my stupid former best friend turned worst enemy –slash- slut who ultimately ruined my life, forcing me to move back with my dad. Horrid bitch. Just the thought of her made my skin crawl. Every morning that I woke up, I wished for her to spend her day on the toilet experiencing horrific diarrhea. I couldn't even bear to think of her at the moment, not wanting her to needlessly ruin another second of my life.

The irony of the situation with me moving back was that Forks, the same place that made my mother feel suffocated, made me feel like I could breathe freely for the first time in a long while. I hadn't even thought about the anxiety attacks that plagued my very existence, nor did I once feel like I was edgy or irritable being here. I thought to myself that moving back to Forks was probably the best thing I could have done under the circumstances. Maybe it was the gray skies or the steady thrum of the rain that was so calming. Either way, once I got through yet another terrifying first day at a new school, I was counting on smooth sailing and an easy year from that point on.

Charlie cleared his throat as he dragged the last of the bags into the bedroom. There were plain brown shipping boxes stacked against the far wall, wedged between the black dresser and matching armoire and I looked at Charlie questioningly.

"Your mother sent them," he said, rolling his eyes with a shrug. "Let me know if you need help. Oh by the way," Charlie paused at the door. "Alice is real excited about you coming home again, Bells. She…squeaked…when I told her." I laughed at that because Alice was quite possibly the happiest person I had ever been fortunate enough to call my friend and I could totally hear her squeaking. He disappeared down the hall leaving me on my own.

I thanked him and began opening the boxes. Apparently, Renee went ahead and purchased new bedding, matching curtains, a throw rug, and various decorative accessories for the room. The bedspread was white with lavender and sage green flowers scattered all over it, and I assumed she conferred with Charlie about paint colors prior to him actually painting. She included a framed picture of her and me, which made me somewhat sad but not necessarily homesick

After I unpacked the boxes, I spent the rest of the afternoon decorating my new bedroom and setting up my computer.

Once I had successfully stuffed all of my belongings into every crevice I could find, I made my way to the kitchen and discovered there was practically no food in the refrigerator. Charlie said we'd order a pizza for dinner but I took it upon myself to make a trip to the grocery store seeing as how I most certainly would not be consuming a bachelor's diet of frozen Hot Pockets and Diet Coke for the next year.

Charlie handed me my keys with a scowl and I smiled down at the pretty little keychain that held the keys to my pretty little car. I had been elated when we pulled in from the airport and I saw that my shiny red Audi convertible had arrived before I did, and was parked in the driveway. I knew it would be salt in Charlie's wounds though so I barely even acknowledged it.

"It's ridiculous," he said with a half-snort, always one for practicality, not style. "Gift from Phil?" Charlie practically spat out my stepfather's name. My mother's remarriage was a definite bone of contention with him.

I shrugged my shoulders. "It was a birthday present- he and mom picked it out. I wasn't expecting to be living in the wettest place in the country, otherwise I'd have insisted on something more appropriate…like a jet ski." I chuckled as Charlie joined me.

I had never had anything but admiration and respect for Phil. Not quite love, but as much affection as a sixteen year old can have for her thirty two year old step father. He adored my mom, and he was more a friend to me than a father figure anyway. But unlike my mother's actions, no one would ever replace Charlie in my heart.

"You do know that the convertible top is going to get destroyed with all this rain. You will probably have leaks, and mold and…"

"Thanks, Dad. I plan on getting a job, so I can replace the top, or put gas it in and take care of my needs on my own." I spoke with a bit more indignation than necessary. I kind of had the feeling that the new living arrangement was about to put a cramp in his lifestyle and I could only hope that he wasn't resentful of my unexpected presence.

Charlie's business was three hours away in Seattle. He also had a girlfriend who resided there, who he rarely spoke of, but made known to me nonetheless. When my mom asked him for his permission to allow me to live here again, Charlie was reluctant, informing her that he was often away from Forks for several days at a time. She assured him that I was an adult and I could take care of myself. Truthfully, the arrangement was ideal in my book.

"That isn't what I meant, Bella. If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask. I know I can't be here for you a lot of the time, and your mom said you were independent and mature for your age, but I am still your father and when you need something you come to _me_, understand?" I nodded, sort of stunned by the warm and fuzzy feeling of my father's protectiveness. "I uh… have a friend who has a job opening if you are interested." He pulled a small yellow business card from his jeans pocket and handed it to me.

"_Big Billy's Party Time Fun_? I'm not sure how comfortable I am with doing underage strip –O-grams," I said with a snicker, while turning the card around in my fingers. There was a clown holding a colorful bouquet of balloons on the front.

"Bella, please," he chided, with a disapproving glower. "You remember my friend Billy Black? Well his company supplies characters for kids' birthday parties. You dress up like a princess, go to the party for an hour and get paid in cash."

"What would I have to do at the party?" I asked, with my eyebrows furrowed at the thought. I wondered if I was to be expected to sing or something awful along those lines. I could dance pretty well and thanks to all the gymnastics lessons I had taken as a kid, I could do a neat backbend and a handstand. But performer I was not. All those lessons provided structure and the foundation for elegance and grace; however, I still managed to be a superklutz.

"I don't know, honey. What do princesses do?" he murmured, with a sideways glance.

"Alright, I'll call him tomorrow and see what it entails," I said, slipping the card into my purse. He nodded, seeming satisfied with my verbal accord.

**~%~**

When I returned from shopping, a very familiar voice was chirping excitedly in the kitchen, immersed in conversation with Charlie.

"Bella…you're here!" Alice screamed, throwing her tiny arms around me. We hugged excitedly, rocking back and forth.

"Hey Alice! I missed you," I replied warmly, stroking a silky lock of her dark, waist length hair. She looked exactly the same as she did when she we were twelve…exactly. Well, except that she had much bigger boobs now.

"Oh, I missed you too!" she said, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Bella, what the hell happened to your face?" Charlie interrupted. I automatically touched my fingers to the bridge of my nose, which had apparently begun to bruise.

"I walked into a giant two by four hanging out of the back of a pickup truck." I replied with a scowl, shrugging and rolling my eyes as if it were no big deal. It happened all the time. I could walk gracefully in a pair of three inch spike heels with no problem, but smashing into immobile objects and stuff regularly falling on my head was a common occurrence for me. He opened the freezer, handing me an old bag of peas as he shook his head in dismay. Charlie then excused himself with a wave, saying that he was heading out to Billy's, and that he would be home for dinner.

"You look so different! Your hair is so long." She grabbed a lock of my newly styled hair and tugged on it. "Wow, I'm so glad you're here now. Everyone is thrilled to see you again! Are you excited for school tomorrow?"

"Excited, and nervous, you know, first day jitters. Hey, do you and Rosalie still hang out with Jess and Lauren?"

"Eww, God no. They're way bitchy and totally slutty now. Well, Rosalie is kind of a slut too, but don't ever tell her I said that," she giggled. Her laugh was intoxicating; I had to chuckle right along with her.

"What am I going to say, 'Oh hey Rose, haven't seen you in five years, you look great and I heard you a whore?'" I asked, chuckling. It wasn't such a big surprise to me that Rose had turned out that way. She had always been gorgeous; tall, thin and big breasted, her long blonde locks flowing down like a supermodel. Even in first grade, the boys were ogling her. I remember in junior high school our gym teacher used to stare at her chest when she played basketball, and she would deliberately "forget" to wear a bra under her t-shirt. Rose had always liked to be the center of attention.

"Your car is freaking awesome! It's once of the nicest cars I have ever seen! I can't wait until it's sunny out and we can drive around with the top down like in the movies. What's that movie? Oh! Thelma and Louise! Only we're not criminals…but we could sooo pick up a hot guy like Brad Pitt. I still don't have a car. My dad says I'm not ready to drive because I don't pay enough attention to the road, but he's totally wrong. Still, I don't have enough money saved for the one I want, and I refuse to drive around in a piece of shit," she said wide eyed, as she enthusiastically helped me unload the bags of groceries onto the kitchen table.

I stood frozen with an eyebrow cocked at her. I had absolutely no idea what the hell she had just said but apparently, she was as nuts as ever. Since we were little, Alice did this sort of nervous rambling thing when she got excited. It could get annoying at times, but she was so cute that most people tended to tolerate it. I'd forgotten how…animated she was.

"Do you think that I could get a ride to school from you? Rosalie was driving me, but she always complains that she has to drive a million miles out of the way to pick me up, and then sometimes Edward and Jasper give me a ride but I hate riding with them because Edward drives too fast and sometimes he freaks me out, but I didn't mind so much when Jasper drives because I looooove to stare it him, but I don't think he even knows I am alive." She spoke so rapidly, I was waiting for her to take a long winded breath at the end which she never did. She kind of made my head spin a bit.

"Sure, Alice, I'll drive you. Who are Edward and Justin?" I asked.

"Edward and Jas-per," she corrected. She pointed her thumb in the direction of the big brick house down the block just as Charlie had earlier. "Jasper and Edward Cullen. They are step brothers, and they live with Carlisle and Esme Cullen. Oh, and Emmett. He's the older brother."

"So why does Edward freak you out?" I asked casually, as I leaned into the refrigerator to place a carton of eggs on the shelf. Charlie hadn't cleaned his refrigerator in like, oh, five years. It was disgusting and smelled like feet.

She rolled her eyes and said in a whisper, "He has _issues._ I personally think he might be a psychopath. He barely speaks to anyone and he only hangs out with Jasper and Emmett and a few other boys from school. He doesn't date anyone either. There is some speculation that he may be…gay." Alice gave me a wide eyed knowing nod. Her silky hair bobbed up and down over her shoulders.

"So just because he's quiet and gay means he's a psychopath?" I whispered back to her in confusion. It seemed like a very big assumption to me.

"No, he's just…he's just Edward. You'll understand when you meet him. And since he doesn't even speak to any of the girls here, it's kind of assumed that he plays for the other team. Though some of the girls think he's just a rich snob who thinks he's too good for anyone in Forks, but that just makes him more desirable, you know? He's major eye candy regardless. You'll see."

"So are Jordan and Ernest shy, gay psychopaths too?" I asked, sarcastically.

"Jas-per and Em-mett," she enunciated, a hint of annoyance to her tone. "Is there something wrong with your short term memory?" She handed me a loaf of bread from the table. Actually, the Prozac I took to assuage the panic attacks sort of made things cloudy at times, but I was not about to reveal that morsel of info unless absolutely necessary. Letting people know you are taking anti depressants for general anxiety disorder wasn't necessarily the best way to gain friends.

I rolled my eyes animatedly again. "Sorry. Jas-per and Em-mett." I deliberately overcorrected myself to make a point. "Do they have issues too or is it just Ed-ward?"

_What the hell kind of names were those anyway?_

She giggled, rolling her eyes back at me. "No, they are very normal. Jasper is so cute and he's kind of quiet too, but not standoffish like Edward. Jasper dates a little, but not much. He is more of a flirt. Emmett is very popular and he plays like, every sport there is. Rosalie has a major thing for him. She has definite plans to officially make him her boyfriend by Thanksgiving."

"That's very ambitious of her. Hey, do you want to eat dinner with us? We're ordering pizza," I asked her.

Her smile faded and she scowled. "Thanks, but I have to go to work. I have the dinner shift at the diner tonight. But I'll see you tomorrow morning at seven, okay?" She hugged me goodbye again. "Hey Bella? Welcome home!"

I watched her cross the street and disappear into her little blue house. Then, I took a big breath and sighed. Alice in large doses was going to take some adjusting to. I had known her most of my life and it seemed that she had definitely gotten more hyper as she'd gotten older. Her exuberance was going to take a toll on my anxiety unless she toned it down a notch.

Once I finished eating dinner, I headed up stairs to call my mother to thank her for the bedroom décor and to pick out tomorrow's outfit. As I knew too well, the first day impression would set the tone for the entire year. I tossed around cute and flirty looks with smart, mature sophisticated ones and an hour later my room looked like a missile went off, completely rendering my earlier unpacking efforts futile.

Finally, I settled on my favorite pair of dark tight jeans, a tailored white button down shirt that I liked to tie in the front over a craftily aged brown belt and a pair of brown heeled boots with a pointy toe. Stylish, cute, not too conservative.

I found my pajamas, powered up my laptop, and then I checked out my nose in the mirror. The swelling had gone down but I could easily cover up the bruise with concealer. I walked across the room the window to close the blinds and I fingered the new sheer curtains reverently feeling the silky fabric under my fingers. My mother was trying to make the transition more comfortable for me by purchasing the bedding, and I was entirely appreciative of her efforts.

From my bedroom window, I could see the front and side of the Cullen's enormous house lit up through the trees. The house was set far back into the woods, making it look even bigger and more pretentious at night.

I undressed, pulling off my top and jeans, tossing them into the hamper. Standing in front of the full length mirror mounted to the inside of my closet door in just a bra and underwear, I looked at the reflection wondering what the hell I was doing with myself. Tomorrow would be the start of a whole new life here in Forks…a whole new future. Clean slate, blank sheet of paper, fresh start.

_Dear God, _

_Please let me have a good year here in Forks. Please don't let me have any panic attacks and don't let me trip and fall in the cafeteria in front of the whole junior class while I spill applesauce all over my new boots. Thank you for my new boots, by the way. Oh, and bless all the poor people and the sick kids and my mom and dad and Phil and Alice and say hi to Jesus for me._

_Amen_

**~Edward~**

"How are you today, Edward?" she asked, without looking up or making eye contact with me. I am pretty certain she avoided eye contact as a precaution. Like looking into the eyes of a lion, I sensed I made her uneasy. I knew it and I used it.

_Yeah, I can be a prick on occasion, so what?_

She sat in her ugly tan business suit with her legs crossed just enough so that she thought I wouldn't notice the visible run in her stocking. Her notebook was in her lap and the two hundred dollar Mont Blanc pen perched delicately in her fingers just waiting for me to say something profoundly insightful or deftly incriminating so that she could write it down, analyze it and cure me…or have me arrested, which is what I truly believe was her ultimate goal.

She would be highly disappointed today, as would she be on every other Tuesday when I sat in her office, trying to whittle away the fifty minute therapy session with minimal but satisfactory answers to her mundane questions with as little effort or detail possible. She knew I wasn't about to spill my guts to her. She knew damn well that I was an untrusting pissed off kid that was resentful and angry and bitter at the world for taking away the things that were most important to me.

And it wasn't without notice that she never once led me to believe that she thought I was innocent. Time after time, with subtle and obscure references, she would try to entrap me into a guilty admission. I fucking hated her guts for that. And I hated the last two therapists who felt the exact same way.

"I'm, fine, thank you. And you?" I asked, creepy politeness oozing from my words.

"Very well. So how was school this week?" She didn't bother to glance up from her pad while she scrawled notes.

_What in God's name could she possibly be writing?_

"School was the same as usual."

"Would you care to elaborate?" She still hadn't looked up.

"Not particularly," I responded dryly. Because seriously, what the hell was I supposed to say? That Forks High school was an unchallenging joke of an educational institution? That I knew more than the miserable teachers who were grossly underpaid and resented rich spoiled little pricks like me who lived lives of privilege while they ungratifyingly busted their asses in a classroom all day?

_All right, Dr. Kate, since I'm bored, I'll dangle the bait just for the sake of some entertainment value_.

Carefully, with a smile behind my tone, I said, "A new girl just moved down the block from my house. She's supposed to be starting school this week. "

_Ah, there it is…eye contact. _

_Score!_

She looked up abruptly, meeting my gaze, quickly averting it, and then back to her pad. "Have you met her yet?"

"Not yet. But from what I hear, she's very pretty. I am sure half the male population is planning on staking a claim before she even gets to homeroom," I said, with a smartass snicker. The males enrolled at Forks High School were craving fresh pussy, and hadn't seen anything new or worthwhile in ages. The new girl had been the sole topic of conversation for the last two days.

"And you? Do you want to stake a claim as well?"

_Here we go…_

Furrowing my eyebrows in confusion I asked, "And how would I be able to do that? I am afraid I don't understand the question, Dr. Kate. What are you asking me?"

"Edward, why did you choose to tell me about her? You could have spoken about any other event in your week, but you chose to mention the new girl. Why is that?"

"Because she is the only thing that isn't the same as last week, when you asked me the exact same question."

She sighed, clearly frustrated with my insolent behavior and lack of cooperation. "You have been my patient for fifteen weeks, Edward. And each of those weeks you come here, sit for fifty minutes and say absolutely nothing. I realize you aren't here under your own volition, but you could at least make it worthwhile for both of us to come to the session."

"What exactly do you expect from me?" I asked narrowing my eyes at her.

She hands raised in a pleading gesture. "I want you to open up. Give me something to work with. Talk to me."

"I have nothing to say. My life is completely boring; it's void of any excitement, entertainment or any real pleasure for that matter. I simply exist. I go to school, hang out with my brothers afterward, play some video games, and do some homework...maybe read a novel and go to bed. That's it. That is my day. Do you want to know what I ate for breakfast or…?"

She huffed with a resigned nod. "Have you given any consideration to playing baseball in the spring?"

_Awww, she's gonna start this shit again? Fuuuuuck._

"Uh, no. I'm done playing ball," I responded curtly, letting her know this was not a topic that was open for discussion. Not that any particular topic could necessarily be considered as open, but this one specifically was none of her fucking business.

"Why is that, may I ask?"

_No you may fucking not ask, stupid prying bitch._

I shook my head leaning my elbows on my knees.

_Topic closed._

"Edward, I think that this is something of importance that we should discuss. It would be insightful to…"

I cut her off sharply stating my feelings. "It's not who I am. I'm not that person anymore, alright? Jesus…"

_The popular, all American, baseball playing, good boy next door that every girl is dying to bring home to their mother died the night I was with What's- Her –Face. _

_Done. Gone. History. _

_Eddie Masen is fucking dead._

_Now get the hint and change the subject before I throw that picture of your ugly kid at your head and walk out of this office._

"How are your panic attacks?" she said quietly, changing the subject. I suppose the growing hostility in my voice and my obvious tensed posture discomfited her. I knew I could be intimidating at times. I think that's why my whole damn predicament happened in the first place.

"Fine. I haven't had one in six months."

"Have you thought about going back on the medication?"

"Why would I do that? I don't need it anymore."

_Jesus fucking Christ. This woman…_

"Well, I think perhaps it would help your anger a bit, maybe lead you to put some perspective on things."

I dropped my head in my hand out of frustration, running my fingers absently through my hair. I really wanted a cigarette and a cup of coffee and to get the hell out of there. "No, I don't want the Zoloft anymore. It's nothing but a crutch and I am doing much better."

_Besides, I have plenty of weed to calm my nerves anyway._

I didn't need to tell her that the primary reason I went off the meds was because mixing alcohol with anti-depressants was a definite mix for disaster. I was not about to have my weekends fucked up too.

"So, no meds then… If I may change our focus back to your new neighbor? Do you have plans to get to know her as a friend?" she asked, presumably working to gather some insight on my damaged fucking psyche and my apparent feelings of distain toward women in general.

_Back to the girl again?_

"Sure. I think it might be nice to get to know a sweet young lady and then have to explain why I am so distant only to have her run away from me screaming," I replied, sarcasm dripping from my tone.

"Edward, you don't need to be physical with a person to have a relationship with them. There are many ways to be intimate with a woman without actually touching. There's no need to have bodily contact with a friend."

_I want to fucking rip my hair out in chunks._

_Don't lunge across the coffee table at her. Don't do it._

I took a calming breath, my fists balled at my sides. "You see? This… This right here is what I am talking about. What you're basically saying to me is, 'Edward, you can have sex with a girl without forcing yourself on her.' You want to see my reaction to it. You are waiting for me to get angry, so I do what? Admit to something I didn't fucking do?" I stood up, kicked the leg of the chair and spat, "I'm done with this bullshit."

Slamming the door behind me, my chest heaving in agitation and anger, I didn't even need to look back to see her horrified expression. I wonder how she would handle this. Carlisle would definitely be getting a call.

I took the elevator down three flights to the lobby as I texted my brother Jasper. He said he was at Starbucks across the street, so I crossed, glaring at him while I ordered a double espresso. Leaning against the brick wall facing my car, I waited for him outside with a smoke while he finished up his conversation with the big titted blonde sharing the table with him.

As he approached my car I hit the electronic key and paused, staring disapprovingly at the cup in his hand. Without saying a word he tossed it in the trash. When I pulled away from the curb, he asked, "You have papers?"

I nodded toward the glove compartment, where he pulled out the package of rolling papers and began to empty the contents of a zip lock into the waiting sheet.

"You okay, bro?" he asked. I nodded twice, still highly agitated. He knew when I wanted to talk and when I didn't. My brothers, Jasper and Emmett, were the only people who really knew me. My parents knew the G-rated version of Edward Cullen, and as far as I was concerned, my mom was the only woman I could trust. I hated feeling like that, but I had no choice on the matter really.

Once we got into the town of Forks, Port Angeles a distant memory, I had calmed down and all but forgot about the shit therapy session that had occurred a half hour prior. My mind was fixated on smoking the joint that Jasper rolled. He made a fucking mess of it, but I couldn't drive and roll at the same time, and I'd be damned if I let him drive my car.

We were idling at a red light, while my gaze focused on a sweet little brunette walking down the street with as ass that made me want to cup it in my hands and bite a chunk off it. Jasper noticed her too, though neither of us said anything. She had her head down distracted, her eyes focused intently on her phone when I noticed she was about to walk off the curb right into a huge piece of wood hanging out of the back of a beat up old red pickup truck.

"She's gonna walk right into it," I said flatly.

"Yeah?" he countered. "Fifty says she'll pick her head up at the last minute." My instinct was to honk the horn to startle her into looking up, but I didn't want her or anyone else for that matter, thinking I was honking at her because she was cute. A sexual harassment accusation was all I needed.

"OOOOHHH fuck!" we yelled simultaneously, as she cracked the bridge of her nose right into the wood causing her to literally stager back a few feet. Her phone dropped from her hands, the battery cover popping off onto the sidewalk.

"All beauty, no brains," I commented flatly.

"It's a shame, really," he said laughing, as he dug in his pocket for the bills. "It's a good thing for her that she has a great ass."

"No, I think it's a good thing for _us_, Bro."

Once we got home, we smoked the joint out back, ate a late dinner with mom, and then I headed upstairs to bed. I noticed that there was a pause in the rain colliding against the sliding glass doors in my bedroom, so I took the opportunity to smoke. I pulled a cigarette out of the pack walking out onto the wraparound balcony that joined the three upstairs bedrooms. The September night air had a slight chill but not too bad- warm enough to go out sans a jacket. I took a deep drag, savoring the delicious rush of light-headedness and exhaled out, the damp air exacerbating the cloud of smoke. The weed from earlier had just about worn off and I was tired as hell.

I liked to take a few minutes at night outside, under the overhang of the roof to just enjoy the solitude. Someone was always talking, and it was rare that I was able to get a silent moment inside my own head. I slid down the brick façade, drawing my knees up to my face, resting my elbows on them.

For the first time in almost a year that I had lived in this house, I noticed a light in the upstairs window of the house down the block. Must be new girl's room, I assumed. I could faintly see her image beyond the window, featureless with dark hair that she had piled up on top of her head. She gazed out the window for a while and then she disappeared back into the room.

As I snuffed out the butt on the wooden balcony, I noticed her appear in the window again. This time, it wasn't actually her, but her reflection in a long mirror attached to the back of a door. I gasped and smirked as I realized she was standing there in just her bra and panties, her female curves soft and subtle through the glass and sheer curtain.

_Oh, please take it off, sweetie. Please. _

_Come on…be a good new neighbor._

I bit my lip, shamelessly willing her to take the rest off while I debated on grabbing Jazz and Emmett to join me in the show.

_Jasper would fucking love this shit. _

Slowly, as if I was stuck in a dream, she took off her bra, quickly slipping a shirt over her naked torso to my dismay. I couldn't really make out too much detail, but from what I could see, she had a great set of breasts, average size, perky, swollen and all girl.

_She was fucking beautiful._

_I should really share this, no?_

However, I realized that if I did let my brothers in on my newly discovered show, they would never leave my bedroom at night. I also chose not to intrude on this girl's privacy any longer than was necessary out of respect for Charlie Swan, who was a good man and had been nothing but kind to my family. Besides, the last person's shit list I wanted to be on was the town's Chief of police, retired or not.

I waited just a few more minutes before I retreated into the house, clicking off the lights, and having my way with the new girl, before we had even been properly introduced.

**~%~**


	2. Chapter 2 Moving On

**Stephanie**** Meyer**** owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines, backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide****.**

**Thanks so much for all the reviews, alerts and faves added. I am so honored. Thanks as always to Becca for Beta'ing and to Suzy for the music, the inspiration and the love. **

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**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 2~ Moving On**

**I've dealt with my ghosts  
And I've faced all my demons  
Finally content with the past I regret  
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
For once, I'm at peace with myself  
I've been burdened with blame  
Trapped in the past for too long  
I'm moving on**

_**Moving On ~ Rascal Flats**_

**  
****~Bella~**I woke with anticipatory butterflies in my stomach showered and dressed in the outfit I had set out the previous night. Sitting in front of the small lighted mirror on my bathroom vanity, I lightly layered on bronzer and cover up to conceal the little bruise on my nose. I scowled, knowing I would have to purchase all new makeup shades when my tan faded in a few weeks and I hated trying to match up the color to my hand…it never worked right. Once I had added blush, eyeliner and a little lip gloss to my face, I focused on doing something constructive with my hair.

I had just gotten it cut before I'd left California at this overpriced snooty salon intended for celebrities with seasoned stylists, not teenage girls with a mere blow dryer and three dollar bottle of hair gel. I had these new, long bangs that swept over my eyes and lengthy layers cut into my elbow length hair that automatically waved up in the humidity. Not knowing how to manage it in this weather, I pulled it back, clipped it up, put on a head band and then gave up completely, realizing that the rain would inevitable make any effort futile.

However, once I emerged from the bathroom, I discovered that the sun was shining brilliantly that morning. Sunshine was a rare and much welcomed emergence in Forks, and I took it as a sign from above that it would be a good day.

Before I left the house, I took a deep breath to calm my frayed nerves. Charlie told me to have a nice day, and I turned back because I forgot to take my pill in the excitement of getting ready. That would have been a huge, huge mistake. I can only imagine the repercussions of missing a day of the meds. I d likely be huddled in a ball in the corner of the lunchroom shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Alice was waiting outside on my front steps at seven on the dot, dressed in jeans, black boots and a cute black hooded jacket. Her eyes widened when she saw me and I watched her scan me from head to toe.

"What?" I asked, looking down at my outfit in confusion.

"Nothing…you look…trendy," she said, looking at my boots pointedly with a resigned sigh. We got into the car and I turned on the radio.

"Alice, you are more than welcome to borrow anything of mine whenever you want," I remarked. From my periphery, I could see her grin spread ear to ear. Alice's parents struggled financially for as long as I could remember. Her mom was a nurse and her dad had worked at the boat docks in Port Angeles, until they divorced and he moved out of state when we were seven. Whatever money he sent, Alice's mom stowed away for college determined that she would have a career to support herself with and not to have to rely on a man for sole support.

Alice had very few new school clothes at the start of the year, but in elementary school, style wasn't a big concern for any of us. However, high school was a totally different world and life sort of sucked when wheat you had wasn't up to par with what everyone else had. I made a mental note to ask my mom to send a care package of the newest arrivals in Alice's size.

"Hey can you put down the top?" she asked with wide eyes as I reversed out of the driveway. I nodded and obliged, letting the convertible top down. It was still seven in the morning, and there was a definite chill in the air. I blasted the heat and took off down the road smiling to myself that I was glad I hadn't bothered too much with the hair after all.

As my little car hugged the curved roads to the school, our hair blowing wildly in the wind, I watched as Alice gripped the edge of the seats. Her fingers were bone white as was her complexion. "Shit, Bella. Are you taking driving lessons from Edward? Slow down!" she yelled. I was so used to driving like a speed demon in Phil's Ferrari under his insistence that I shrugged and apologized before bringing the speed down to the limit. Old habits are hard to break, I suppose.

"Hey, I love this song!" she squealed, as she turned the volume up against the noisy wind. _Check Yes Juliet_ by We the Kings was bellowing out from the radio. The two of us sang cheerfully to the lyrics, bobbing our heads in unison. Then the chorus streamed in, Alice and I belted out the words loudly, dancing in our seats, laughing and being silly.

_Run baby run…don't ever look back…they'll tear us apart…if you give them the chance…don't sell your heart…don't say we're not meant to be…run baby run…forever will be …you and me…  
_  
It felt so good to giggle with a girlfriend again. I was certain that it was going to be a great day.

As I turned into the school parking lot, I noticed that my car was one of the few that was less than ten years old, and had no noticeable dents. I couldn't help feeling a little self conscious about it, as everyone gaped and stared as I drove into an empty spot. I should have expected it, what with driving an attention-getting cherry red convertible but I wanted to appease Alice by putting the top down for her. The last thing I needed was for everyone to think I was some rich snobby girl from LA, because really, I was far from that.

Alice held her head up with a cheery grin and waved at some of the kids as we passed. As she opened her door, a car came screeching into the spot next to us forcing her to pull back the door abruptly.

"Watch it, Xanax!" A male voice called out of the window of the shiny black sports car.

"Hi Jasper!" she cheerfully replied, as she slid out of the car. I walked around the back, slinging my pink bag over my shoulder. "Jasper, meet Bella Swan. She's Charlie's daughter, but you probably know that already, right?"

I lifted my hand in a timid half wave giving a grin to the hot blonde guy departing his car while Alice continued to ramble on nervously. He tucked a wiry lock of chin length hair behind his ear before he extended his hand out to me and said, "Hey, I'm Jasper Cullen. That's my brother, Edward." He nodded his head back toward the car where Edward was climbing out the passenger side. I tore myself away from Jasper's piercing blue eyes as Alice's words from the previous day held my attention. I was more than a little curious to get a peek of the gay, quiet eye candy that was supposedly _the_ Edward Cullen.

I did the timid, half- bored wave thing again, but Edward just nodded curtly, quickly darting his eyes away from me, and skulked toward the school. "Nice meeting you…" I called after him. He turned slightly to glare at me before continuing to walk briskly ahead of us. I didn't see much of his face before he bolted, but he slid on a black leather biker jacket with random words artistically printed in white over his tall, lean frame. He wore dark jeans and black sneakers, and walked with a cocky arrogance that I recognized all too well.

_Ahhh… the quintessential Bad Boy._

"Don't mind him; he's trying out the brooding mysterious thing," Jasper said with a smile. We chuckled and I shrugged my shoulders in indifference.

_Not interested anyway, thank you very much._

In the short time it took to walk from the parking lot to the school, Jasper must have asked me a dozen questions. And Alice answered all of them for me in her excited chirpy voice. I got the distinct feeling she had a thing for Jasper by the way she kept laughing nervously at nothing particularly funny. She also stared up at him in sheer awe like he was a goddamn half naked rock star while he spoke. That is of course, when she allowed him to get a word in edgewise.

He was very sweet, and definitely good looking, but totally not my type. He had this sort of surfer/ all American boy next door with an edge thing going on, and while that was fine, I found myself automatically attracted to the jock type with the letterman jacket and the football tucked under one arm. It didn't escape my notice that just about every girl we passed checked Jasper out, however, Jasper seemed oblivious. But that was after they all had given me the once over, me being the new meat on campus and all. To them, I suppose I was competition. But all I wanted was to get through the school year without shedding tears every seven seconds, not steal their boyfriends.

I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and look down at the ground, in an effort to evade the gaping eyes and to not trip over anything in my path.

_Brush it off Bella, they are staring because you are a novelty, not because they know anything about you._

Hell. Six schools in five years…you would think I would have gotten used to all the attention by now.

_I'll never, ever get used to being stared at.  
_  
There was definitely lots of gawking, very friendly smiles and eager questions all aimed at the novelty of the new/old girl. I felt like I was on display, or more like a goldfish in a glass bowl with big scary faces gaping back. I gathered, by the size of the school and that fact that everyone knew my name before I had even introduced myself, that this would not be a school in which I could hide.

I did recognize quite a few faces, but could hardly remember names. Six schools in five years made names and faces one big blur. The last time I had seen any of these people was when I was twelve, but aside from evident maturation in obvious places, my old classmates looked generally the same.

When we got to the main building I left Alice and Jasper, heading into the office to register and get my schedule. The first two periods were fine. I was able to get through them with out any anxiety attacks, near catastrophes or bodily injuries to myself or anyone else in my path. My heart did race out of my chest at the beginning of each class, and the blatant stares didn't help my paranoia, but it was okay. I had survived.

Alice and Jasper were both in my first period American History class, and I was thankful that I knew someone at least. I didn't sit near either of them, but it wasn't like that made a difference. The teacher, Mrs. Goff, was definitely a hard ass and clearly did not tolerate any bullshit from her students. She practically threw the textbook at me and demanded that I read the first two chapters by Friday.

Second period Spanish level three was an easy A for me. Senorita Carmen was a sweet lady with chubby cheeks and an obvious Hispanic heritage. Nothing irked me more than listening to an Irish American foreign language teacher butchering the accent.

The class work seemed relatively easy. I was enrolled in a few Advanced Placement classes, because I had done some of the Junior class curriculum as a Sophomore last year in California. And since it was late September, I had already missed three weeks of notes and lectures, but I still knew what the teachers were talking about.

Third period, as I walked into my geometry class, I immediately noticed the leggy, sultry stunning blonde perched on her desk talking animatedly with her hands. Her eyes met mine and she stopped mid sentence, her mouth dropping before forming a huge smile.

"Bella Swan, you hot bitch!" she screamed as she scrambled off the desk toward me. We hugged, eliciting a ton of unwanted attention from the class, before she stood back to examine me. "You look amazing, honey. What a difference a few years makes!"

Rosalie Hale was never one for subtlety, but she always meant well. I knew I looked different from the last time I was here. I used to be an awkward, scrawny little girl with a frizzy bob haircut and no sense of style or clue really. I was definitely not any of those things now. Time had given me much longer hair, a considerable amount of confidence, a much better sense of fashion, and really freaking awesome boobs…if I dare say so myself.

Before the teacher could get the class convened, Rosalie and I caught up briefly and then she tossed some pimply, greasy haired kid out of the chair next to her in order to give it to me permanently. In truth, it was such a comfort to know that the friends I had as a child welcomed me back enthusiastically with not only open arms, but equally open hearts. I was grateful beyond explanation.

For fourth period English, I had a hard time finding the class, as it was in the back of the building and the classroom numbers had been scratched off all the doors. I immediately grew nervous, sensing my throat constrict and the beginning feelings of lightheadedness that accompanied panic. I hated this feeling with a vehemence and even though the medication helped, I was sort of stuck in this anxious limbo whenever I was faced with something that made me nervous.

I took a few deep breaths as I leaned against the wall, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

_Please not now, please._

_Breathe, breathe…_

"Hey, are you okay?" I looked up to see the most gorgeous pair of pale green eyes piercing right through me. His voice startled me and it took a moment for me to gather myself before I responded.

"Um, yeah, just sort of lost. Room 317?" I squeaked, gesturing to my schedule.

Edward pointed down the hall and jerked his head in that direction as if to say, "Follow me." His face remained expressionless while he strode into a classroom a few doors down as I dutifully followed behind. He took a seat in a desk by the window while I handed the teacher my schedule yet again. The teacher informed me that the class was taking an exam on _To Kill A Mockingbird_ for the duration of the period, so she instructed that I read the first few chapters to catch up.

My curiosity got the best of me. Occasionally, I would look over, watching Edward in my periphery, just two seats away from me. He never looked up from his test paper and never raised his eyes.

When the fifth period bell rang, I met Alice and Rosalie in the cafeteria at their semi- filled lunch table. After we attempted the lunch line, they introduced me to Jane and Angela, who sat with them. Jane was a tiny thing with an angelic face and silky black hair, and Angela wore funky glasses and looked trustworthy; like she could keep all of your secrets and be everyone's best friend. It wasn't apparent if Rose and Alice's clique included Jane and Angela, or if they sat there simply for lack of lunch table space.

I noticed that Rose and Alice both had their chairs angled at the table where Jasper, Edward and five other boys sat just across from us.

Alice lowered her head and whispered, "Okay, so the big, hot, delicious one is Emmett...Jasper and Edward's brother. Usually he leaves early with the other seniors but he's hanging out here today for some unknown reason." Alice rolled her eyes at Rosalie making it obvious as to the reason Emmett was there.

Rosalie glared at me sideways pointedly uttering, "And he's _mine_."

I held up both hands in defense. "He's in my Spanish class, I think," I said, vaguely remembering his handsome face from the back of the class.

"Relax, Rose. The smaller, cute one is Alec," Alice continued. "The one with the spiky hair is Mike."

Rosalie opened her water bottle, wrapping her red fingernails around it as she took a long dainty swig. "Mike is our resident whore. He will sleep with anything…I mean _anything_. He has got to have at least five of the eleven STD's. You don't want to get within two feet of him, Bella. Crabs tend to jump." Rosalie scoffed, making an arcing motion with her fingers. I was semi- impressed that she knew how many types of sexually transmitted diseases were available to contract. Knowledge like that had to take research or experience, I decided.

"That's Tyler and Ben. Ben and Angela are in love," Alice said, rolling her eyes as Angela giggled across the table. "And you met Jasper and Edward this morning. That's anyone that is important. Well, except for Edward, even though he's gaspy, he's a complete waste of time." Alice waved her hand in disgust.

"That's it?" I said disenchanted, with a sour face. "Seven worthwhile boys in the whole school? And two who are apparently taken; one who's a sexual biohazard and the other who is a social misfit? Wow, talk about limited options."

Not that I had any intention of rounding up a boyfriend any time soon, but a decent selection for the future would be nice nevertheless.

_Highly disappointing._

"Oh, there are a slew of very fuckable seniors, but apparently Seniors don't have _relationships_ with underclassmen. They just want to fuck ..." Rose said in a tone that was highly acidic if not scornful. Alice shot me a look that was half grimace half scowl, and clearly _meant change the subject fast._ I took it as a sign that maybe Rose had experience there as well.

"Uh…what the hell is _gaspy_?" I asked, taking a bite of my bagel.

"Gaspy. It's like 'dreamy', but only a verb. Like he's so hot you have to gasp when you see him," Alice explained.

"That's not a real word, Alice," Rosalie scolded, as she pointed to each table slowly identifying each one. "Nerds and Geeks…Jocks…Kick Line… Emos and Goths…Band…Skanks…The Cullen Boys and Us. That's it. Everyone in this school is mostly just a waste of air," she said indifferently, biting into an apple.

At the mention of Kick Line, Alice stuck her finger down her throat with a gagging sound, and when Rose said Emos and Goths, Jane muttered, "Fucking vampire wannabes," from across the table.

I glanced over at the table Rosalie labeled as Skanks, and noticed that Lauren Mallory, and Jessica Stanley were amongst the faces I recognized. There were two other girls, a blonde and a redhead with big boobs sitting with them.

That, however, was the bullshit part of high school that I loathed. The labels…the groupings…the fact that if the Goths and Emos sat at a lunch table with the Nerds, the universe would implode. It was all so annoying and socially limiting.

Jasper caught me looking over at their table and playfully winked. I rolled my eyes at his overtly sexual gesture and he laughed a little. Edward glanced behind him and shook his head, clearly annoyed. Alice shifted uncomfortably in her chair at the noticeable exchange, and I was happy to avoid any further awkwardness when the bell rang.

She and Rosalie matched my schedule against their own and we found that I had gym with Alice, Rose and Angela last period. I was practically doing back flips for that. As we emptied out of the cafeteria, Emmett approached Rosalie, holding her behind the group to talk to her. They made a really stunning couple, if in fact they actually were one.

I checked my schedule for my next class and found that I had to go all the way across the building to the science wing for Biology. And I was already running late.

After I handed Mr. Banner my papers, he motioned for me to sit at the empty lab table to the right of the class. I sat there at the table alone, completely irritated. It kind of annoyed me that I had to sit by myself considering I knew we were supposed to have lab work and without a lab partner that just sucked. I was the squeamish type for certain. I was not about to cut a frog open unassisted, and really, who the hell was going catch me when I fainted during blood typing?

Mr. Banner began to write notes on the board, so I dutifully took out my crisp new notebook and began to copy with the only pen I could find in my bag. It had a hot pink feather puff on the end of it and it was stupid looking but wrote really smoothly.

The door opened, and in loped a sopping wet Edward Cullen. "You are tardy, Mr. Cullen," Mr. Banner scolded. Edward muttered something to him, handing Mr. Banner a soggy piece of paper before walking swiftly to his seat…right next to me.

_And the Bad Boy is my lab partner...fantastic._

As he sat down in the stool beside me, he didn't even bother to glance over. So I said, "Hey," and he turned slightly and muttered an annoyed, "Hey," in response. I nodded and thought to myself, _friendly little sucker._

I could smell the strong odor of cigarettes and new leather mixed in with his cologne and the dampness from the rain that had settled on his clothes. It wasn't unpleasant, and I found I rather enjoyed the scent of Au de Derelict.

I took my notes, my hand cramping up from the excessive writing.

_Thanks for the carpal tunnel, Mr. Banner._

_Just give us a freaking ditto, already. Jeez._

Once the bell rang, Edward sprinted up out of his seat and disappeared out the door. I just stood at my desk gathering up my belongings and shook my head at his oddity. I headed off to study hall, which was held in the upstairs part of the library where everyone was expected to be silent. There was a sign in sheet monitored by a teacher who looked like a Rastafarian. He had smooth chocolate skin and dread locks. He was immersed in a newspaper and didn't even bother to look up. I signed in, asked for the bathroom pass and went to hide in one of the back stairwells, while I called the number on the business card that Charlie had given me.

I never ditched class, but really, it was my first day, so what the hell was I going to study?

I spoke to Billy, who talked briefly about how he couldn't believe that I was a teenager already before he informed me of the requirements and details of the job. It was just as Charlie had said, I would dress up, go to the birthday party, hand out lollipops, wave and jump around like an idiot and then go home. It sounded easy enough, and the best part was that although the parties were right smack in the middle of day on Saturday or Sunday, it was only two hours from start to finish and he was paying in cash.

I would make a hundred dollars for two hours of work, which was more than the other staff received. But seeing as how I was his closest friend's daughter and all, he was willing to give me a higher salary. We agreed that I would come in on Saturday afternoon to accompany one of the other girls to a party to see how it was done, and then I could decide if I wanted the job.

My last period was gym and I trudged off to the locker rooms to meet up with the girls. I sent a silent sentiment of gratitude to the person who decided that Forks high school phys ed classes did not have the dreaded assigned polyester uniforms.

I cringed my way through the volleyball games that had already had set teams. I may have been a cheerleader once upon a time, but an athlete I was not. I kind of just stood there avoiding the occasional wayward ball until the coach instructed me to "put some effort into it." I gave him some mock enthusiasm as I waved my arms in the air and rolled my eyes. Alice ducked when a rogue ball came flying our way and unfortunately, whacked me in the head.

Rosalie was on the girl's varsity volleyball team, so she played with the hardcore players across the gym, while Alice, Angela and I were stuck with the fools who could care less.

And then I noticed that Edward and Jasper were playing on the team across the gym opposite Rosalie. Jasper waved and both Alice and I waved back. I smiled, knowing that even though I sucked ass at sports, at least I had a nice view of something pretty to look at while I was ducking flying balls.

_Sweaty eye candy._

By the end of the day, I didn't feel panicky at all, just edgy. I had made it through the day unscathed for the most part, but I really felt like I needed to relax my nerves. Alice had to run to her locker on the third floor, but she said she would meet me outside at the car.

When I headed out to the parking lot, Jasper was leaning against his car parked next to mine. I threw my bag in the back seat and approached him with trepidation. Swallowing back a gulp of nervousness, I smiled and took a deep breath.

"Hey Bella, you survived your first day, huh?" he said with a smile. It surprised me how much I liked this guy. Not in a romantic way, though he was definitely cute.

"Yeah, still alive, just a little tense. I was wondering…" I said in a lowered whisper, as I leaned into him, "if you knew anyone with… weed?" I said the word _weed_ so low he could barely hear me.

A slight smirk covered his face. "You smoke?" he asked, with one eyebrow cocked.

"Now and then… mostly when I'm stressed. Today was kind of…one of those days," I explained, as in my periphery I saw Edward approaching.

Jasper said to him, "It's open." Edward brushed past me without acknowledgement and sat in the passenger seat shutting the door behind him.

"I actually have some on me. How much do you need?" he asked.

It began to drizzle lightly, so I zipped up my cute little black jacket and put up my hood. "Just a joint, I guess," I said shrugging, feeling like such a druggie dirt bag, but relieved nonetheless for the convenience of it all.

"Do you want some company or do you prefer to smoke alone?" he asked, pushing away from his car with his foot.

"Oh, um…company would be great," I responded cheerfully, surprising myself how quickly and enthusiastically I answered.

Jasper smiled and said, "I'll meet you at your house in twenty. And lose Xanax." He tossed his head toward the school where Alice was skipping across the lot. I nodded and got into my car, just as Alice jumped in the passenger seat.

"Were you just talking to Jasper? What did he say? Isn't he great?" She was out of breath and wide eyed as she settled into the seat. I was pretty sure Alice was not a smoker, considering her mom being a nurse and the fact that Jasper asked that I "lose" her.

I declined to mention my conversation with Jasper, and simply said we were just talking about how my day was. I felt like shit really, because I knew that Jasper clearly felt indifferent towards Alice, and by the nickname he gave her, I got the distinct feeling she annoyed the piss out of him. I also felt like a delinquent, and it wasn't that way for me at all. Even though it was a fun experience to get high, the main purpose for me smoking was that the weed helped ease some of my anxiety. It sucked living like that, always tense and scared of an attack coming on.

Bree that dumb bitch, turned me on to it back home, and it was the only thing she did for me that didn't leave me begging for mercy. Not that my occasional pot smoking was any good for me, but like I said, it helped with my issues.

I dropped Alice off at the diner in town for her shift, and headed toward home, grateful, but feeling terribly guilty that I didn't have to worry about hiding from her.

Jasper's car sat in front of my house idling. I parked my Audi in the driveway, and walked over to the driver's side window waiting for Jasper to let me know what the plan was.

"Where are we going?" I asked, as Jasper shut the engine and got out of his car. Edward got out of the passenger side and slammed the door.

"In the woods behind your house is an old fort." he said pointing. I snickered, knowing exactly what he was talking about. Charlie built me the swing set with the connected tree house when I was five. I held tea parties and played with dolls back there, while he fished in the river that was now a part of the Cullen's property. Back when I was five, the land didn't belong to anyone but the state wildlife preserve.

"That's not a fort. It's my Dream House," I said chuckling, as the three of us walked through the gate into my back yard.

"That explains the dolls." Edward finally spoke. His voice startled me again.

"Hope there was no sentimental attachment," Jasper added apologetically. I laughed again and shook my head, not entirely understanding what he meant. I could hear Edward snickering under his breath as we walked the long overgrown path that cut through the woods between our houses. The wet leaves sloshed noisily underneath our feet, soaking my beautiful boots.

I hadn't been back there in ages. The tree house was still pretty much the same, only the pretty little window boxes with the plastic tulips had been ripped off and there were scorched, naked Barbie dolls strewn about the ground. The two yellow swing seats and the chained tire swing were still intact though. That was my favorite part. As a kid, I would spend countless hours swinging, the soothing motion eliciting the greatest of daydreams and stories that I would conjure up in my head. It occurred to me that even at seven years old, I was looking to escape my real life in some way.

"What the hell did you do to my Pretty Princess Barbie?" I demanded, picking up her royally charred plastic corpse off of the muddy ground. Her blonde hair had been singed to the scalp rendering her bald. Edward laughed again, but this time it was a wholehearted belly laugh and I couldn't help but join him when I heard the sound.

Jasper said, "Emmett has a thing for fire. We come back here to smoke, because it's private, and Emmett went hog wild with his lighter one day. We didn't know the dolls actually belonged to anyone, so uh…sorry about that."

I shook my head and tossed poor Pyro Victim Barbie into the bushes, climbing up the ladder into the tree house behind Jasper. The three of us sat on the cold wood floor, while Edward pulled out a zip lock bag of marijuana and a pack of E-Z Widers.

I looked around my old tree house that Alice and Rosalie and I had spent countless hours hiding out in, talking about boys and school and Alice's dad leaving. Sometimes Jess and Lauren would come too when we were in Elementary school, but they were never as close to me or as relevant as Rose and Alice were.

Charlie had constructed the set for my fifth birthday. He built it all by himself, grumbling and grunting as he lifted and screwed the large wooden beams together. He added wood to the structure, so that the house part had been entirely closed off to the elements. It was supposed to be painted pink, but since it was always so rainy, my dad never found the opportunity to get it done. In an effort to make it more homey, my mom had placed a small table with chairs in there and she hung cute framed pictures of kittens on the walls. Everything was gone now.

Jasper handed Edward a magazine that had been stashed in the corner, as Edward began to roll the joint. I watched his long fingers maneuver the paper quickly and skillfully, like he had been doing it for years. The joint was perfect. Symmetrically even and round, almost as if it was a cigarette coming out of a pack of Marlboro's. When he finished, he stuck his tongue out and licked the length of the cigarette.

My breath hitched watching his tongue stroke the length of the joint and I was instantly embarrassed and confused at the same time. It was the first time all day I had actually really looked at Edward's face. I realized that he was stunningly beautiful in a very masculine way.

His eyes seemed to have held so much anger in them. They were the most startling shade of green, almost artificial, as if he wore colored contacts. I had never seen a shade of green so pale, resembling the color of the beach glass my mother and I would often find along the shore. And his face was absolutely perfect. His strong jaw line was clean shaven and smooth. He had perfect full lips and long, dark spidery eyelashes. His hair was a wild disarray of dark brown that sort of met in the middle like a messy faux Mohawk. He was actually pretty, for a boy. But he also had this sexy maturity to his face, whereas Jasper still had a boyish roundness about him.

He put the joint to his mouth pausing as he looked up at me through his long, dark eyelashes. In a voice that was bordering on sweet he asked, "Can you do me a favor?" My eyes met his and I smiled, thinking for a split second that we were sharing a moment or something. "Wipe that shit off your lips, please."

He lit up the joint, took a deep drag and held the smoke in his mouth. With the back of my hand pressed firmly to my mouth, I wiped off my semi-sticky blush colored lip gloss as he passed the joint to Jasper. I glowered at him, disappointed in his deceitful demeanor and in myself, for thinking he was going to say something nice to me.

The heady scent of the pot mixed in with the boy's cologne and wet leather jackets was intoxicating, comforting, and familiar all at the same time. Jasper inhaled the joint in three long consecutive sucks. "This is strong shit, don't take too much," he said, in a voice that was strained, raspy and full of smoke. He passed the joint to me and I fingered the marijuana cigarette reverently in my hands before bringing it to my lips.

"Whoa, this _is _strong," I rasped, choking back the thick aromatic smoke that filled my mouth and lungs. It had been a while and my throat burned slightly. "Wow, this is impressive." I said genuinely, as I held the joint in front of me, examining its perfection.

Jasper laughed and said, "Edward has very talented fingers." I looked up at Jasper and smirked, slightly embarrassed that my mind diverted his statement to a sexual innuendo.  
_  
He did not just say that, did he?_

I passed Jasper the joint and glanced at Edward who was looking down at his lap and shaking his head in annoyance.

"Dick," Edward muttered, elbowing Jasper in his ribs.

"Good to know," I smirked, adding to the awkwardness. Jasper laughed again and passed the joint back toward Edward's waiting hand.

"I meant," Jasper said, glaring at Edward, "he has a gift with his hands in general. Edward plays the piano, and he pit..."

Before Jasper could finish his sentence, Edward glared at him angrily and said sharply, "Bro…" His tone clearly meant, _shut the fuck up_.

Jasper shook his head and brushed it off.

Honestly, that genuinely surprised me. I did not expect Edward to be a piano player. That seemed to be such an elegant, classy instrument to play, and Edward did not strike me as having the probability for either of those traits. And if I hadn't been feeling the effects of the ridiculously strong weed, I would have pressed about what else Edward was so good at before he abruptly cut Jasper off.

The last pass went back to me. I took another deep drag, held it in for as long as the lack of air would allow and I breathed out the smoke into the moist air. We sat for a while in silence, enjoying our high and disconnected states. I looked at them both, heavy lids over their bloodshot eyes. They were both so gaspy it made me want to cry and sing love songs out of my bedroom window. I definitely was able to see what Alice saw in Jasper. But I was still wrestling with what I saw in Edward.

_Beautiful, but painfully sad and not very nice._

I leaned back on the wood panels and picked up the magazine Edward rolled the joint on. "Glamour? Is this yours?" I asked jokingly, as I leafed through it. Edward snickered, and his whole slumped over body shook silently with the laugh.

At the same time they both blurted out, "It's Emmett's." Jasper was lying back on his elbows with his long legs crossed in front of him. He let out a little chuckle, which got Edward laughing harder.

Not quite understanding the amusement of the joke, I said, "He seems more like a Teen Vogue kind of boy." Then the two of them were rolling. Their laughs were so infectious, I had to join in. It was so cute really, seeing them clutch their sides and shaking on the ground in hysterical fits.

"Teen Vogue," Edward muttered through a stifled laugh, then the two of them burst out laughing again.

Jasper said through giggles, "Emmett bought the magazine because it had tips on how to perfect oral sex techniques."

_Hmmm…Interesting._.

Mental note to mention that to Rosalie

I laughed with them as I realized the leather in my boots had soaked up a lot of water, and was slowly seeping into my socks. I unzipped a boot, pulling it off as Jasper and Edward looked at me incredulously.

"What?" I asked, placing my boot in the corner of the house. "My boots are wet, and no, my feet do not smell. Besides, this is _my_ house, remember? I should be charging you back rent and property damage for all your time spent destroying my beautiful house. And you killed all my fake tulips and the pretty little flower boxes they lived in. And…besides all of that, your pyromaniacs burned my Pretty Princess Barbie to death and made her bald and …I am just really freaking baked right now, so tell me to shut the fuck up and I will." I stuck my tongue out at them while they watched me remove my boots as if it were the most interesting thing they had ever witnessed. They began to laugh hysterically again staring at my very bright, admittedly very odd socks.

"Are those pigs?" Edward asked pointing.

"Oh shut up. I like my socks. Do not mock the piglets." I laughed, wiggling my toes, each one of them adorned with pink piglet faces. I rolled my eyes as they continued to laugh wildly at my socks.

When their chuckles eventually died down, I looked at them both and cocked my head to the side admiring the boys in front of me. I was really high- the kind of stoned that was confusing and fuzzy and fun and made my head feel full of air and water and sparkles like a giant snow globe.

"You know, you guys look nothing alike. Like the three of you grew up on entirely different sides of the planet."

Edward's eyes met mine as he silently pulled off the barcode label on his clear plastic lighter. Jasper said, "Well, I look like my mom, and Emmett looks like our dad and Edward's mom is married to our dad, and Edward looks like her sort of, soooo yeah, none of us look anything alike. Wow, I am fucking baked too," he added chuckling.

"I look like my father," Edward said quietly, without looking up. I furrowed my brows at his words. They were soft spoken yet definitive and I sensed an innate mark of sadness.

"Oh. How long have your parents been together?" I asked, realizing too late in my stoned state that I probably should have taken the opportunity to change the subject.

"Twelve years. We were both five when they got married." Jasper replied. I was intrigued. I wanted to know about Jasper and Emmett's mother and Edward's biological father and where they were, but considering I had met them only hours prior, I thought that maybe it was too presumptuous to ask.

Some time passed and we were chatting about school and the fact that I had someone I knew in almost every one of my classes. They began talking about a stupid workout regimen, and in my fuzzy brain, I lost interest, picking up the magazine in front of Edward.

As I leafed through it, I passed an article that read, "What Type of Dog Are You?" It was actually one of those nonsensical quizzes that were designed to match your personality with inanimate objects. Like if you were a quiet person, you resembled a chair, or some thing dim-witted like that.

"Hey, what kind of dog are you?" I directed the question to no one specific.

Jasper looked up at me and said a slightly slurred, "Scuse me?"

"What kind of dog… like if I was dog I think I might be a Pomeranian. Or a Bischon Frise."

"Oh," Jasper said, understanding. "Um, maybe a Great Dane." He said it matter of factly, closing the statement with a decisive nod.

Edward turned to him and said flatly, "You are in no way a Great Dane. More like a terrier or some shit."

"Fuck you, Dick. What kind of dog do you think you are?" Jasper spat.

"I'm not a dog at all. I…am a mountain lion." Edward held his hands up curling his fingers like claws while he bared his teeth in a snarl. He did it with such unbridled enthusiasm that Jasper and I threw our heads back in laughter.

"I'll give you one guess what kind of dog Xanax is," Jasper said quietly wearing a wry smile on his face.

Edward and I both muttered, "Chihuahua." That got the laughter started all over again. Proof that everything is much funnier when you are high.

I scolded them for making fun of Alice, which they blatantly ignored. We made small talk after that, getting to know each other and asking harmless, non invasive questions. The conversation was mainly between Jasper and I with an occasional snicker, snort or scowl from Edward. But he did not actually verbally participate in the conversation.

While Jasper and I spoke, Edward leaned back against the wooden panels and played with his lighter, turning it back and forth while watching the fluid drain in and out of the chambers.

"So, what made you move back here, anyway?" Jasper asked. It was the one question he didn't ask me that morning. It was the one question I was hoping to avoid entirely.

"Um, I had someone hurt me badly and it just made life really hard, so I came here…to kind of start over... get away from the daily reminders." I let out a winded breath and sighed at the memory.

_Good girl, Bella. You did it._

It was the most evasive explanation I could find while being entirely truthful. Edward looked up at me from his entertaining lighter turns and brought his finger to his lips. It looked as if he wanted to say something, but changed his mind. I knew Jasper was itching to have me elaborate on it, but I wasn't ready to let them in on why I fled California. Not just yet, but maybe I would someday.

Once the sky grew dark, and we realized that we were all parched and starving, we parted ways at the trail outside the tree house toward our respective homes. Before we left, I asked Jasper if I could give him money for the weed, and he scoffed at my offer, saying that Cullen boys _never_ let girls pay for anything.

I headed back home to an empty house, thankful that Charlie was working late on a case. I didn't mind being alone, and truly, it was a perfect arrangement for the teenager who didn't want to be bothered with parental interference. Not that Charlie ever interfered, but I was stoned, so it was in my best interest that he not be around to witness that.

As I finished a slice of my leftover pizza, my high gradually wore off and I thought about how much fun I had today. It had been literally seven months since I'd been social with kids my own age and I hadn't realized how much I had missed the interaction. And for the first time in my life, I had actually made guy friends. Not an easy task for me, in truth. Girls were usually a cinch, but guys only seemed interested in one thing from me, and being friends was not it.

I headed upstairs to check my email and pick out the next day's outfit.

_Dear God, thank you so much for getting me through the day without any major fail. I would greatly appreciate it if you could do that tomorrow and Friday as well. Please help all the starving kids in Africa and end the war soon, and look after Mom and Phil, Dad, Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett and Edward. Oh, and please not have let the rain have done too much damage to my new boots because I love them._  
Looking in the mirror, I smiled a bit wider knowing that moving to Forks may have just been the best decision I could have ever made.

Amen

Later on, with my anxiety a distant memory, I thought of Edward's face as I drifted off to sleep. His sad green eyes haunted my dreams and surprisingly, made an appearance in one of my fantasies.

That was the first night that I let Edward Cullen have his way with me.

***%***


	3. Chapter 3 Watching You

**Thanks to Becca for proofing and Suzy for everything else. xoxo**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 3****~I've Been Watching You~****I stand at an open window  
I see everything there is to see  
I've been watching you  
isn't it true the fool keeps taking you down down  
taking you  
I' ve been watching you  
isn't it true the world keeps taking you down down  
taking you**

**I've Been Watching You~ Natalie Imbruglia****  
**

**~Edward~**

My head was fucking killing me. I woke with what felt like a giant pickaxe wedged between my frontal lobe and my skull. Occasionally I was plagued with these horrific migraines; binding, deafening, completely debilitating headaches that nothing but strong painkillers would relieve. Usually I would spend the day in bed under the cover of complete darkness, and a shroud of Percocets, but I had an English exam fourth period and I never missed an exam. I was somewhat admittedly anal about my grades- amongst other things.

Carlisle said they were likely the result of stress and anxiety. I was a sixteen year old kid with the ailments of a forty five year old man with all these fucking problems. I suppose it could be worse. At least I didn't have acne or dandruff so I guess migraines paled in comparison to that shit.

_Serves you right for jacking off to the new girl last night._  
"Hey, no more driving Xanax to school." Jazz said excitedly as he rubbed his hands together, distracting me from my pathetic reverie. He sat next to me at the kitchen island as my mother placed a plate with a buttered English muffin in front me. She patted the back of my neck affectionately as I picked at the muffin, making a face that clearly showed my disgust.

Yeah, that vision was pretty sweet…

"Edward honey, why are you taking Xanax? Are you having attacks again?" Esmom asked sweetly, always concerned about my goddamn anxiety attacks. I loved her dearly, but sometimes she was a little "out there."

"No, Mom," I responded with an exasperated sigh. "Xanax is Jazz's nickname for the little crack head down the street." I told her. She looked at me quizzically for a more elaborate explanation. "She's a little energetic, mom... Xanax relaxes you…" Esmom picked up her plate and left the table shaking her head. She strongly disapproved of us calling people names, and using pharmaceutical references to bat.

"Stop picking at your breakfast, Edward and just eat it," she scolded.

"Ma, what the hell is this?" I asked.

"Organic spelt and flax seed muffins with unsalted soy butter." She replied as she turned her back to pour coffee. On the counter next to the coffee pot sat a container of organic enriched rice milk that I narrowed my eyes at bitterly.

_Where the fuck is my Half and Half?_

I was about to go into a full on rant about my shit being used and not replaced, but I just didn't have the energy for it. Jasper looked at me quizzically mouthing, "Spelt?" I shrugged my shoulders, pushing the plate away. I was so not in the mood for the Hippie Gourmet today, not that I had much of an appetite at all.

"Why can't we be a normal family and eat Cocoa Pebbles for breakfast?" Jasper asked, atypically whiny for a sixteen year old.

"Because I don't want my children ingesting dyes and artificial preservatives. Besides, have you looked in the mirror lately, either of you? Look at my gorgeous boys. You think that comes from Cocoa Pebbles?" She squeezed Jasper's chin and placed a kiss on top of his head.

"Well it sure as hell doesn't come from _spelt_," Jasper mumbled. I snickered shaking my head. "Hurry up, E. We're hitting the Coffee Bean drive through on the way in," he whispered.

I nodded in agreement. "Did Alice get her own car?"

"Nope, apparently Charlie's daughter's starting school today. Her name is _Bella_," he said with a terrible Italian accent. "Xanax said she's getting a ride with her from now on." I nodded, not really caring either way. Alice, or Xanax as we unaffectionately dubbed her, was a cute little girl, but she could definitely get on my nerves. I'm pretty sure she had a crush on Jasper, because whenever she was around him she seemed to go off like a frayed electrical wire. Around me, she was silent and seemed like she was fucking petrified of my very presence. I wasn't sure if that bothered me or not.

So evidently the new girl with the great tits was taking little Alice off our hands. Fine with me. Even though Alice was cute in a Chihuahua sort of way, her incessant yapping at seven in the morning made me fucking nuts.

We grabbed our bags, as Esmom endowed us with her obligatory good bye kiss on the foreheads, and I grumbled as I remembered that I had no jacket.

Two days ago my bizarre, earth loving mother had kidnapped all of our coats to take them to this dry cleaner she found in Seattle who used only natural environmentally friendly cleaning ingredients. Because apparently we had gone _green__. I was all for a harmonious environment, but I had to draw a line somewhere._

_If that woman thought I was trading in my BMW for a fucking Prius she was sadly mistaken._

Anyhow, due to her absconding with all of our outerwear, I was left with the only jacket I had in the closet. It was a black leather biker jacket- not my style really, but it was cool and edgy and made me look like I didn't give a fuck – which on most days I didn't, or at least that's what I tried to convince myself and everyone else of.

The jacket belonged to a young actor who did a famous photo shoot wearing it; my father had won it at some hospital charity auction back in Chicago. Even though it cost him a fucking fortune, the fact that someone else had worn it kind of grossed me out. But I believe that was sort of the point in him giving me the used jacket- to try to make a meager dent in the OCD tendencies I apparently had been labeled with by my last three shrinks.

Other than shoes and coats, I rarely wore anything more than once and had an inclination for neatness in the extreme. Jasper and Emmett constantly called me "_American Psycho," _because my morning ritual closely resembled that of Christian Bale's character in that movie.

I knew it was a problem, not only for myself, but it clearly affected everyone around me. Most times I could keep it at bay, but things out of order, messes and stupid things like unkempt fingernails, body hair and wrinkled clothing made me fucking crazy.

When we moved here, I was assigned the bedroom with its own bath, because neither Jasper nor Emmett wanted to hear me bitch about the shared bathroom being filthy every morning. I had always been neat and organized…the typical type A personality; competitive, overachieving, hard working, perfectionist…but when we moved to Forks it grew progressively worse.

Though he meant well, either from a physician's standpoint or from a father's, his efforts with purchasing the jacket didn't work until I had no choice but to wear it. It was sunny this morning, but we all knew too well that in this town, sun was a fleeting luxury and would likely be replaced by the cover of gray clouds by noon.

I asked Jasper to drive that morning, even though it was my turn because I was afraid I couldn't concentrate from the acute pain and I just didn't feel like dealing with watching the speed limit with my head pounding profusely as it was.

We watched from our driveway as Alice and the new girl, Bella apparently, greeted each other on her driveway. Jasper and I shared a knowing glance as they got into her car and tore down the road.

"Bro…you recognize that ass, don't you?" he asked chuckling, as he blasted the heat.

"Yup. Wonder how her nose is?" I replied flatly, realizing that not only did the girl I was watching last night have a great set of tits, but an ass that could make a thousand men weep. A thousand and one, if I included myself, which I most certainly fucking did.

Distracted by the sight of Bella, we both forgot all about the coffee and followed her straight to school.

When he pulled in to the spot right next to the red Audi, I knew I didn't have the tolerance to deal with Alice's squealing exuberance. And it would be very unlike Jazz to abstain from meeting the school's freshest piece of ass. As much as I wanted to put a face to the image I was pleasuring myself to, I couldn't help feeling a mild disgust and perversion for defiling this girl in my head. So, I grabbed my bag and bolted out of the car just as Jasper was introducing her to me. Yeah, it was really rude, but I just couldn't do it.

I did get a quick glance at her though. Cute, definitely cute. But one look at the tight jeans and the fuck me boots she had on, and the Coppertone Girl tanned skin… not to mention the car she drove, told me to stay the fuck away from her.

_Oh yeah, like you have another option._

She was the typical girlie girl, likely materialistic and shallow, concerned with nothing more than her nails and her hair and what poor sucker she's going to get to take her to the prom.

_Fucking girls_.

I headed over to my first period class, praying the Tylenol would kick in as fast as possible. After what felt like hours of my French teacher's incessant rambling about the proper ways to conjugate the verb, the acute pain subsided to a dull throbbing ache. I knew I should have asked Carlisle for something stronger before I left the house. I hated to do that though, since he kept the good drugs locked away in a cabinet in his home office, and it made me uncomfortable to ask.

Yeah, we all knew it was for my sake, what with my history of recreational drug use. Though unbeknownst to the adults, my brothers both dabbled in much more sordid things than I, only I got the rep for being the deviant one. Carlisle would never insinuate that the lock was for my benefit though, always the impartial man and always treating his three children equally, though we were certainly not. I didn't enjoy the intense scrutiny the last time I'd asked for Percocet's for my headache, so I suffered with the over the counter stuff.

On my way to fourth period English, I noticed Bella leaning against the wall looking like she was about to pass out. It went against my better judgment to speak to her because I tried to just ignore the female species as a whole- it was easier that way, for everyone involved. But she looked so lost and scared and I remembered back to when I started this school less than a year ago.

Though the school had a total enrollment of around three hundred students, the first day was somewhat terrifying with all the faces scrutinizing and staring at the new kids. _The new rich kids._

I remember hiding out in my car during lunch like a pussy so I could quell the impending panic with some Bach. It worked like a charm, and I was back to my usual asshole tough guy persona within the hour. Yeah well, tough guy on the outside, but shaking like a scared kitten on the inside.

_Such a fucking pussy._

I'd walked right past Bella and then as the guilt plagued me, backtracked. I asked her if she was alright, I suppose as a quasi penance for my voyeurism. She said she was lost, looking for her classroom and I led her there, knowing we would be sharing the class together- Advanced Placement English. I suppose I made a false assumption when I said she was all beauty and no brains. Apparently she had them both.

Because I finally got a good look at her.

And she was fucking beautiful.

Her brown eyes spoke volumes, yet hid secrets that no one would ever know. She had little flecks of pale green and gold in her eyes, and her lightly made up lashes were long and thick and spidery. She batted them unconsciously at me when she spoke and bit her lip shyly and I wondered if she was even aware of what that did to the male species. I am certain the result was the same physiological response I got from it... a twitching hard on and a complete loss of words.

I took my test, desperately trying to get my focus off of those eyes and concentrate on the words as they began floating and bouncing along the paper. The Tylenol had worn off and the migraine was threatening to make a reappearance with a vengeance. A few months back, the pain from one of my migraines was so acute, I actually lost sight in half of my right eye. I thought I was having an aneurysm and drove myself to the ER, only to be given a prescription for Imitrex which inevitably made me really anxious. My whole life had become one stupid vicious cycle.

By fifth period lunch, the migraine was back in full force. The school's cheeseburger made me even more nauseas than usual just looking at it, never mind the god awful greasy smell. I watched Jasper wink at Bella, and she returned it with a clearly unflattered eye roll. I had to laugh at him for trying. She wasn't without options, that's for sure.

All these morons were so transparent. Every single one of them gaped at her…fucking mouths open staring at her ass as she walked by. This high school hadn't seen anything that cute in years.

_Either have you, dumbass._

_And you were checking out her ass right along with all those morons._

_Which undoubtedly makes you...a moron.  
_

They were trying to be discreet, but the girls at Xanax's table were introducing Bella to everyone at our table. Mike had claimed her the week before she even got here. He usually was able to get just about any girl he wanted until they were given fair warning about the fact that he wasn't the least bit fickle about who he fucked. Yeah, Charlie's kid would probably end up fucking Mike. And maybe even Tyler, Mike's wingman. Poor shit always seemed to get stuck with the ugly friend or Mike's unwanted leftovers.

I could never be like that- just sleeping with random girls because I could. That is, when things were different for me.

I was just too fucking picky. She had to be…I don't know, special I guess. And I'd never found anything close to what I thought defined that. I don't even know if I could even define it now if it's at all the same. They guys used to bust my balls about it all the time, telling me to just take advantage of the abundance of pussy that was being thrown at me. And there was quite a nice selection at one time, if I do say so myself.

But I knew what I liked, what I wanted, and I didn't dare settle for less than perfection just to get my dick sucked. I'd only had one girlfriend, but I could hardly count that as an actual relationship since it was in seventh grade, lasted two weeks and we held hands once. In Chicago, I'd kissed a shitload of girls, fooled around with a few and as far as sex, well of course, there was Tanya and What's Her Face. Both undeniable mistakes which just went to show that past experience told me I should be more discriminating about the girls I bedded.

Jasper had his fair share of pussy in Chicago, before he met Emily and practically dropped to one knee to propose the same day that he kissed her. Emmett was a little more cautious and particular about his women; his focus remained strong and undeterred on academics and athletics. Not that an exorbitant amount of available tail wasn't thrown at him as well, but he was a little more conservative that one would expect from a guy that good looking.

He had something going on with Rosalie Hale, I was sure of it, but he oddly blew off any questions of interaction with her. Jasper and I noticed them flirting last weekend, and he came home smiling to himself with a faint glow about him, like he had just gotten the best blow job of his life. If a girl who looked like that was giving you head, you shout it to the world or wear a giant blinking sign that says, "Rosalie Hot Tits Hale sucked my cock." Something was up with them. But whatever. I didn't give into gossip or speculations about other people's sex lives, because it only made me feel shittier and impossibly more bitter for what I didn't have.

After lunch, I headed toward the nurse's office to acquire more painkillers for this persistent sonofabitch headache that seemed to be consuming every thought. When the nurse said she had to call my parents to get their permission before administering Tylenol to a student, I practically doubled over with laughter at the thought. Whatever, rules are rules.

I was going to be late to Bio again. One more tardy would land detention. Not that I even gave a shit, but detention was reason for Carlisle to take away car privileges, and I was not having any of that. It bothered me more that I had demerits on my record as it was. Maintaining a 4.0 average and acting like you didn't give a fuck about it was hard work.

When I got to Bio, there at my lab table was none other than…Bella Swan. We greeted each other politely and I kept my face forward trying to avoid her or give her the least bit of indication that I had a desire to chat it up. I couldn't look her in the eye after the filthy things I made her do to me in my fantasy last night, though I must admit I really fucking wanted to.

And I was at the end of my tolerance with the fucking headache and I just couldn't take the throbbing pain anymore. I had been counting the minutes till the period ended and I grabbed all my stuff as soon as the bell rang. I ditched seventh period study hall and smoked a cigarette ducking into my car just for some quiet. I fell asleep for about an hour which was just enough time for the pain to be gone completely.

I made it back inside just as the eighth period warning bell rang and slipped onto the gym floor before no one noticed. That was the other thing about me. If I was anal about my grades, I was just as concerned about marks on my record. Things like detentions and excessive absences looked terrible on college applications. Study hall was the only period I would ever ditch, simply because the loser teacher didn't give a shit where we were, as long as we signed in.

We were playing a mean game of volley ball in gym and Jasper got all fucking excited when he saw Bella across the gym ducking instead of hitting. Probably didn't want to break a nail or some shit. I realized that this girl was in four out of the eight classes I was in, but I guess with such a small school that was to be expected.

After gym, Jazz he headed out to the car before me, impatient with how long it took me to get dressed and organized. No one usually showered after gym but me, becasue like an idiot, I couldn't stand to be sweaty for a second longer than was wholly necessary.

From across the lot I could spot her ass. Jasper was looking quite cozy talking to Bella, so I brushed past her and sat in the car. I turned on the radio, while waiting for him to finish flirting with her grumbling and pissed off that I had to wait.

And maybe I was just pissed because I wanted it to be me that was talking to her.

When he got in, he started the engine casually informing me that she would be joining us for a smoke...in the tree house. I practically hit the fucking roof.

"Are fucking crazy Jazz? What the hell are you thinking?" I sat seething in the front seat with my fists balled at my sides. He just didn't have a clue as to the severity of this. And not only allowing this girl who either of knew at all to be in such close proximity to us, he was letting her in on something that could really fuck us both. It was bad enough we were smoking up on our own property and our parents didn't know, but now to add someone else in?

"Oh, come on. She can sit on my lap to give you the three foot radius you require. Who's gonna know?" he snickered, throwing the car into reverse.

"Fuck you, Jasper. I am glad you are so amused by my situation. What if she says something to someone?" I asked, my paranoia kicking in.

"Edward, did you ever think that maybe no one actually gives a shit what you do outside of school? She's not gonna say anything. Besides, its not like we're getting blow jobs from the girl...we're smoking up. Relax."

"Fucking... fine...whatever." I pensively agreed huffing, pissed off again. In truth it made me really nervous to be in such close proximity to her, but for many reasons other than the legal ones. I couldn't even make eye contact with this girl, never mind sit in a five by five enclosed wooden box with her.

We met her in front of her house and walked together down the back path to our fort which she informed us was _her tree house_. I felt so badly about the dolls, and the rundown condition of the tree house, though I gave no indication that I cared one way or another. We blamed the wreckage all on Emmett, but in truth it was the three of us that did the pyrotechnic torture on the dolls and tore into the flowers that were decorating the outside. The thing hadn't been used in years and none of us had ever taken into consideration that the swing set actually belonged to someone who may have loved it at one time.

She didn't seem appear upset about it, but I could definitely see a flash of nostalgia as she held the mutilated doll in her hand.

I tried hard to not make eye contact with her, so I fidgeted with my lighter and kept my focus on the messy stack of magazines piled in the corner that was irritating me to no end. She was wearing a white button down shirt that she had tied up in the front in a knot. It showed just a tiny bit of her stomach and the faint glint of a dangling navel ring and I inwardly groaned at the way she looked in it.

White shirts were my fucking Achilles heel. There was something so pure and simple, yet so fucking sexy about them. Most guys were into thigh high stockings and lingerie and shit, or just naked girls in general. But sexy to me would be for my girl to walk around the house in nothing but my button down. The buttons that ran down between her breasts were so inviting to just pop open one by one...

Then Jazz, that fucking asswad, had to go and be all suggestive with the talented fingers comment. He could be such a douche sometimes. Did I want her to know I played the piano? Did I actually care? I don't know that I wanted anyone to know that about me- too personal, too intimate.

_What's the matter Eddie, afraid to let the world know that you aren't actually an insensitive dick?_

Playing the piano was the only thing I had from my old life that I took with me to the new one. My mom encouraged my playing, and I probably would have just given it up completely if it hadn't been the only thing that I did these days that seemed to make her happy. And god knows how I needed her approval.

Bella…was actually cool, for lack of a better term. She wasn't as shallow or as dumb as I originally pegged her. In fact, she seemed very down to earth, aside from the expensive boots and the two hundred dollar jeans that hugged her curves like they were made for her. I had the same True Religion's…I knew the signature design on the back pockets.

_Well, you've been staring at her ass all day, you should have it memorized by now._

However hot she was, there was something about this girl that irked me. Maybe it was her stupid socks or that dumbass fluffy pink pen, not to mention the fact that she was best friends with Xanax, and that alone earned a demerit or two. And the goddamned tan…annoyed the shit out of me. I hated artificial things on a girl: boobs, hair, nails and especially tans. I actually felt myself sigh in relief when I learned she was from California, which gave her the right to naturally suntanned skin.

She was highly impressed with my joint rolling technique, as she should be, but she was funny with the dog thing. I haven't laughed like that in forever. I felt a lot less anxious around her after the weed kicked in, and let my guard down just a little.

When she asked about our parents and why we looked so different, it caught me off guard. No one ever had made observations like that, and if they did, they never had the nerve to ask. Jasper explained that I looked like my mom. It sent a shot of anger through me, because I knew I looked identical to my biological father. I don't know why I admitted that or why I even gave a shit. It was just that I felt maybe credit should be given where it was due. Anyhow, it sort of shocked me that I said it when I did. This girl was already unraveling all my carefully constructed control.

Then Jazz asked her why she moved here, and my ears shot up like a hunting dog hearing a rabbit scurry in the woods. Her answer was about as vague as the answer I would give about my own reason for moving to Forks. I watched as her pretty brown eyes filled with unmistakable sadness while she fumbled to answer indirectly.

She was obviously hurt by a guy and left California because she couldn't handle the heartfail. It was clear that she became uncomfortable and fidgety talking about it. My curiosity was definitely piqued.

I had to fight back the urge to ask her to elaborate but I decided quickly that there was absolutely no point in extending any effort to get to know her. Especially since Jasper already seemed to have a definite hard on for her. If she was going to hang out with us, then we would get high or whatever and I would have to be a dick to her. I had no choice…it was just easier that way.

Jasper would end up fucking her, maybe even dating her, and before he got bored with her I would have to endure a few family dinners with her present at the table. Then she'd be history, and he'd move on to someone else, as would she.

Well regardless, there was nothing I could do about any of that. As far as I was concerned she was a pretty thing to look at whether sitting next to me in Biology or from afar as I peered into her window at night. And since Jasper seemed to have taken a liking to her, then good for him, he could have her. He deserved a nice girl in his life, and I certainly owed him one. Not that I didn't deserve someone as well, but the circumstances were very fucking unfortunate for me. If I could live vicariously through my brother's conquests, then so be it.

When we departed the tree house at dinner time, we all squeezed drops of Visine in our eyes and made our way back through the overgrown path toward home. I was feeling conflicted and shitty and I knew it was going to be one of those nights that I would obsess and torture myself with thoughts that would drive me nuts.

Mom and dad were in the kitchen, clearly not expecting our arrival, as he had her pressed against the stove in a loving embrace. She shrugged him off giggling, but he continued to nuzzle his face in her neck as she stirred the pot of organic tree bark and freshly cut grass clippings or whatever the fuck she had concocted for us to eat.

I felt a potent surge of envy at the sight of their embrace. Not for their relationship, though it was definitely one to be modeled after, but because sometimes it was extremely difficult to watch other people give and receive so much affection. My mother was clearly uncomfortable in their display with us present, so she swatted him with a kitchen towel until he dismounted her to greet us.

From the outside we were the perfect fucking family- doctor dad that was home every night by six, mom who was loving and nurturing even if she couldn't cook worth a shit. There was the prodigal eldest child, proficient at sports and academics, with good looks and charm to boot. There was Jasper, the middle child who was just as good looking, only smaller in stature, great at lacrosse and basketball and who got good grades without trying. And then there was little Edward, the black sheep of the family, obsessive compulsive freak who failed at life and punished everyone in his family for his indiscretions.

_Oh would you stop with the fucking pity party already._

_Poor Edward…everyone is mad at him for royally fucking up._

I remained quiet during dinner, picking at the twigs and berries Esme called sustenance as Jasper prattled on incessantly about school and about Bella. Emmett came in from practice a little later, sweaty and streaked with dirt as he spewed out details of his fucking fantastic quarterback skills and all the girls who stood soaking in the rain to watch the team. It irked me to no end that he could sit there and eat marinating in his own filth being so unsanitary like that, but I kept my mouth shut. No one even noticed that I hadn't said a word. Not that I was ever so talkative at mealtime, or ever really, but I always felt like sort of an afterthought; slightly invisible, like the elderly grandma that got placed in the corner on Thanksgiving and ignored.

I helped with the dishes as Emmett headed upstairs for a much needed shower and dad and Jasper disappeared into the basement. My mom gave me a meek smile, which I returned as I set the dinner plates on the counter. She knew me well, and as she put a hand on my back, she said softly, "Tough day?"

I shrugged. "No more than usual."

Shutting the door to the dishwasher, she turned to me and said, "Do you want to talk? It seems like something is on your mind."

I shook my head no, conflicted as to whether to share my angst with her even though I knew she would undoubtedly understand. She always understood. But I simply wasn't in the mood to _feel._

"Come here," she said, wrapping her arms around my back to draw me into her chest, giving me no choice in the matter. I buried my head in her shoulder, sighing and reverently taking in the soothing movements of her hands rubbing circles on my back. I hadn't realized how much I had craved affection from her- and not in a creepy_ I love when my mother touches me- Sigmund Freud's Oedipus Complex- greatest wet dream_ _ever_ kind of way. It was just really nice to be touched by another human.

She understood. And it was funny because when I was little everything could be fixed with a hug from my mom. At sixteen, my problems were much bigger than a scrape on the playground or a fight with my brothers, but still, her hugs were the perfect remedy- as temporary a fix as they were.

"Did you talk to Charlie's daughter today?"

"A little. She's beautiful, mom, and funny. She was lost and I helped her find her class...and I want to get to know her better, but…I think Jazz likes her, so…" I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders as I pulled away from her, cringing at how much of a fucking pussy I sounded like. My mother made some of my walls crumble effortlessly, and she knew I didn't like that she had that effect on me.

She stood almost a head shorter than I, her fine feminine features so unlike my own. She and I had the same shade of deep reddish brown hair, and the same long fingers, but that was all that I took from her gene pool. The rest of me was from a man in New York with my old name, who sent her a fat ass court ordered check once a year in minimal recognition and obligation of his paternity.

_Fucking prick._

"I'm sorry sweetie, I really am. If it means anything though, Dad and I are really proud of you for overcoming the hurdles. You could have handled this all a lot worse and we think you are doing great. It will all be over before you know it, and then it will be a distant memory. You'll move on and forget it ever happened."

I shook my head, appeasing her, knowing that my eighteenth birthday was over a year and a half away. Forced abstinence was a living fucking hell and seemed like an eternity to me.

"Thanks, mom." I said, smiling. "I'm going for a swim." She kissed my cheek, standing up on her tip toes and I grabbed my board shorts from the laundry room just off the kitchen.

I swam laps, aggressively parting the warm water as if it were as thick as oil, heaving all of my frustrations, general and sexual into the strokes. Afterward, I showered, read another chapter of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ and finished my geometry homework. I chose my clothes for the next day, snipping tags off a new shirt and steaming away wrinkles that were barely even there, until I was satisfied.

It was almost nine thirty, and knowing I had a few minutes to kill, I swept a dust cloth over my dresser top before running the vacuum over my bedroom carpet almost ritualistically. Once the machine was neatly tucked away, I grabbed a cigarette and stepped out onto the wooden deck into the misty night.

The overhang kept me dry while I flicked the motion sensor light off, walking around the corner to where I could see Bella's lit window. She had it cracked open halfway, the night breeze blowing her thin curtains around in a delicate swirl.

Leaning against the house, I lit the cigarette, sighing in disgust for myself and my disgraceful actions which as deplorable as they were, I had absolutely no intention of discontinuing, and waited.

For a while there was no visible movement behind the sheer curtains. "Where are you, Beautiful?" I asked to no one. I slunk to the floor of the deck shimming all the way over where I could see inside her room better. I thought briefly about buying a pair of binoculars at Newton's, but that would be taking it a tad too far. I was a sex starved hormonal kid, not a psycho.

_Keep telling yourself that._

I could see the glow of her computer screen flicker off as she stood and walked to the closet. Her shirt lifted up and she stood there in her beige bra looking almost naked in the distance. After several outfit changes, she admired herself in the long mirror after choosing what I assumed to be the wining outfit for the next school day.

"Come on, Beautiful…take it off for me, please?' I whined. Finally, her bra unclasped and to my delight and surprise, she turned to the window, her breasts perky and full. I gasped and bit my knuckles excitedly, knowing that her nipples were probably rock hard in the chilled breeze. I wanted to fucking cry or run laps or something.

Bella gazed out the window for a moment or two, while I instinctively slunk back against the wall. I knew she wouldn't be able to see me in the darkness, but still, I felt the need to hide in the shadows like a filthy letch.

Once she disappeared, a minute or so passed and then the room went dark. I retreated to my bed, watching perversely in my mind as Bella's mouth eased away the frustration of my day, my unfortunate situation, my whole fucking sad life.

I spilled aggressively into my hand, wiping my sin and shame away with a wet towel all the while desperately craving the heat of a wet mouth.

Bella's beautiful, wet mouth.

**~%~**


	4. Chapter 4 I Think I Like You

**SM owns it. **

**Thank you to Becca for Beta'ing. Thank you to SuzyQ402 for the baseball stuff and everything else. Kisses.**

**~High Anxiety~ **

**Chapter 4~ I Think I Like You**

**Did you ever see a light inside your mind?**  
**Did you ever stop to look what it makes you blind?**  
**You should feel the love from my skin to my bones, it's a feeling that's making me high...**  
**There is something and it makes me smile, I think I like you.**  
**There is something burning in my mind, yeah, I think I like you.**

~**Blackbox Revelation- I Think I Like You~**

**~ Bella ~**

In the morning, I woke with a happy grin, showering and dressing in the clothes I had set out the night before. I slipped on a pale blue baby doll dress, black leggings and black ballet flats with a little black sweater because the dress had short cap sleeves and the weather was chilly even for September. After I blew dry my hair pin straight, I pulled back my long bangs into barrettes on the top of my head and finished my makeup.

For school, makeup was just the basics, but on the weekends, I usually made more effort. Evidently in Forks, makeup was kind of a waste considering by the time one made the trek from the car to the main building, you would look like a melted wax figure. I noticed yesterday that the girls here didn't bother with the normality's of teenage girls in sunny towns.

Clothing choices were very basic here, jeans and track suits, sneakers and rain boots. And the boys were even less casual in sweats and sports jerseys. I wasn't a clothes snob or anything, but I wouldn't be caught dead in rain boots in public.

I poured a mug of coffee and sat at the kitchen table next to Charlie who was immersed in the meticulous cleaning of a telescopic camera lens. He had a scary pair of heavy black binoculars set next to him and I picked them up, walking over to the front window. I could see clear into Alice's kitchen, what she was eating, even the tiny words on her cereal box. Turning to the right, I couldn't make out much of my neighbor's house through the thick trees and the drizzle except the driveway where a gray BMW and a white Jaguar sat parked.

"Whoa, you could do some serious stalking with this, Dad."

"I am a PI, honey, that's what they are for. With serious stalking comes a serious price. You break 'em, you buy 'em," he chided, sipping his coffee. I placed the binoculars back on the table carefully, and sat, opening the wrapper of a strawberry Pop Tart.

"Hey, how's your mom's store doing?" he asked casually, lifting the lens and squinting one eye to survey his progress. My father intentionally avoided all indirect talk of my mother. He would ask how her car was, what job she was currently working, what crazy new piece of artwork she had created, but never a direct inquisition on how _she_ was. I suppose he had too much pride for that.

"It's good. Really good actually. You'd be surprised at what a savvy business owner she is. She runs a tight ship over there and last I spoke with her she had plans on opening a second store. And from a financial standpoint, it's doing very successfully. She has a lot of competition, but the word spreads pretty quickly amongst the young Hollywood crowd, so…She dyed her hair back to brown too," I added, just in case deep down he was wondering. "She thinks we look like twins."

He grunted, sliding the lens back into its leather case, clearly amused by the latter statement. "Hey, I'm leaving for Seattle tonight for a few days, but I was thinking we'd go out to dinner Sunday, for a belated birthday celebration. What do you say?" He had already sent a birthday card to California two weeks ago with a really great beaded bookmark and a gift certificate to a big chain bookstore. I was actually itching to get into Port Angeles to pick up some more books, because I couldn't realistically pack everything I had.

"Oh, that would be cool, I guess. Will Maggie be coming too?" I asked tentatively, feeling him out. He looked directly at me, obviously confused.

"You want…Maggie to join us?" he asked incredulously, surprised at the mention of her name.

"Why not, Dad?" I said, with a mouthful of Pop Tart. "Don't you think it was about time I met the woman you're spending all your weekends with?" I smirked, raising my eyebrows at him. He didn't blush, but I'm sure he would have if he'd been born with that mechanism.

"Well, I wasn't sure if… "

"Dad, mom remarried two years ago. I would expect that you would move on as well. Come, on, I want to meet her, for real."

"Sure, fine. We'll go to that Italian place in town." He resumed cleaning the lens fervently, while a small smile played on his lips. I suppose he was happy that it wouldn't be as hard of a transition for me, accepting Maggie into my life. I mean realistically, I couldn't blame either of my parents for their separation any more than I could blame them for finding suitable mates years later. They had gotten married too young, because Mom was pregnant and stayed together far longer than they should have for my sake. I wanted them both to be happy even if it was without each other.

We were interrupted by Alice's rapping on the front door and I kissed him on the cheek as I grabbed my bag. She frowned when she saw my outfit and made a whiny sound.

"Do you want to borrow the dress, Ali?" I asked, opening the car door. She smiled and shrugged her obvious answer being yes. "You can borrow whatever you want whenever you want it. My closet is your closet. I mean it." She beamed in her seat, and it made me giddy knowing I'd made her happy.

The sound of a car caught my attention as a brand new silver BMW sped down the street from the Cullen home. It slowed at the foot of my driveway and I watched as Jasper leaned over to the driver's side window. Alice chatted cheerily with him as I made brief eye contact with Edward. He smiled gently, looking down at his hands and I said, "Morning."

"Morning," he repeated shyly. Though he was wearing the biker jacket again and a steel gray shirt underneath, he looked moderately threatening enough to intimidate. But the shyness in his voice was soft and childlike and I immediately felt something in my chest flutter.

_What. The. Hell. Was. That?_

_Someone's got a crush._

They sped off down the road as Alice and I stared fascinated at their vanishing image.

"You're right Al, Edward is most certainly gaspy."

**~%~**

Rose and I chatted incessantly for the first ten minutes of class while Mike Newton tried to worm his way into our conversation. He had introduced himself to me, boldly and assumingly throwing his arm around my shoulders as I walked into third period. Rose practically flicked his forehead in effort to extricate his arm from my body telling him I would need to be quarantined. He had a certain charm, and he wasn't without decent looks, but I found no interest in him in the least.

Though I had always considered English as not only my best subject, but my favorite, I found myself really looking forward to fourth period. I was caught up with the reading assignments, and I was admittedly eager to see Edward again.

_You have butterflies for a boy you've barely spoken to._

He was in class already by the time I arrived, his leather jacket hanging off the back of his chair. He was slouched in the chair, his long denim clad legs crossed in front of him casually. He was reading an email on his phone, trying to be discreet about it by hiding it under the desk. Every few seconds he'd laugh quietly- a sound which tickled my insides. Once the teacher settled the class, he slipped the phone into his back pocket, never looking over at me.

It went without saying that I was thoroughly disappointed.

It was the same during fifth and sixth period as well. Edward never made eye contact with me, nor did he say hello, even at our Bio table where we were given a quiet reading assignment. He sat two feet away and couldn't manage to utter a simple greeting.

In study hall, I'd signed in, and looked around for an empty table. The main area was crowded and pretty damn noisy for a library. Walking through the doors to the reference section, there were two unoccupied tables in a really small enclosed area with a giant window overlooking the courtyard. I sat, peering out the window and pulled out my books.

I immersed myself in history homework when a bag thumping on the table startled me. When I looked up his eyes assaulted me. They were a pale gray today, not at all green. "You're sitting at my table." He said flatly, causing my involuntary smile to fade into a frown.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," I replied meekly, looking around at the empty table next to us. "I'll sit over there, I guess," I said quickly, gathering my things.

"No, stay. It's fine," he said quietly. His mouth moved to say something else, but he closed it and shook his head. He pulled out the chair with a grating sound as it scraped the floor and slid down into the seat.

"Thanks," I muttered quietly, insulted and quite possibly even a little hurt. I thought at least after yesterday in the tree house, we could have considered each other friends, or at the very least acquaintances. But he seemed to not want anything much to do with me.

I continued with my homework, sneaking quick glances at him across the table. Occasionally his eyes would meet mine, but he would quickly divert his gaze elsewhere. Toward the end of the period, Jessica Stanley, Lauren Mallory and Makenna Santiago plopped themselves down at my table. I sighed, steeling myself for their presences and the reputation I had heard they earned in the past few years.

"Hey, Bella. Nice to have you back in town," Lauren said, as she propped her chin in her palm, her voice thick with insincerity. Edward rolled his eyes in annoyance across the table as he continued writing in his notebook.

"Hey guys... how are you?" I replied, feeling instinctively territorial. I hadn't spoken to them in years, and the last I remembered was that they had begun to drift away from our crowd. I knew Lauren and Jessica from elementary school, but I'd never met Makenna until Rose had pointed her out in the cafeteria. She was petite, with dark curly hair and really pretty hazel eyes.

"Hey, Edward. I like your jacket. It's very James Dean," Makenna said, reaching across the space between them to touch the leather. His eyes widened as they followed the path of her hand. He inhaled deeply and she retracted her arm back to her side, clearly sensing that her touch was not welcome on his property. The silent exchange made everyone uncomfortable.

"Thanks," he muttered staring directly at me. I took it as a look that meant that if I wanted to sit at _his_ table, then that included myself and excluded present company.

"Um, so listen...we were wondering if you wanted to hang out with us this weekend?" Jessica said, moving closer to me. The Lauren inched closer as well and I leaned back in my chair increasing the space between us. It was like those documentaries on the Discovery Channel with the hyenas going in for the kill.

I watched Edward's eyes open wide and then narrow into slits as he shook his head minutely, enough so that I could heed his warning. "I uh, already have plans with Rose and Alice. You're welcome to join, though."

"No thanks," Lauren snapped. "We're not really part of the same circle anymore, if you know what I mean." She sniffed as the girls rose from their seats.

"Let us know if you change your mind, Bella," Jessica said as they departed. "Bye Edward." He did not respond.

I looked at him questioningly. "What…?"

"They are not good people, Bella. Makenna is okay I guess, but the other two are…just stay away from them. I'm serious." It was the most sincere I had ever heard him, not that we'd ever really had a conversation before, but the look in his eyes and the conviction in his tone made my breath hitch. I nodded, muttering in agreement.

When the bell rang a few minutes later, I rose, assuming we would walk to the gym together, but he took off ahead of me without a word. I met the girls in the locker room, changed and headed out to the floor to be assaulted with volleyballs. I managed to avoid two but took three to the head and hurt my finger trying to fend off a wayward volley. It was like being in Hell only worse.

Jasper jogged over, quietly asking me if I was meeting them at the tree house again today. I smiled, shrugged and told him yes. Alice and Rose stared questioningly, but I blew them off and felt horrible about it. Inside I was flying, and I hadn't even gotten high yet.

I pulled into my driveway, expecting to see Edward's car parked in front of my house waiting like Jasper's was yesterday, but it wasn't parked there or in his driveway. Grabbing my bag, I went inside to say hello to Charlie who was busy packing some clothing. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, checked that my mascara wasn't racooning my eyes and told him I was going out for a bit. He kissed my head, let me know he would not be here when I got back and I waved goodbye.

I took the path down to the swing set, finding it still deserted. As I sat on the yellow plastic swing to wait, I wondered if they had forgotten, or if Edward deliberately drove off a cliff in a desperate attempt to avoid hanging out with me. Gripping my fingers tightly around the ropes, I rocked forward letting the swing go. As the momentum gradually took me higher, I felt the cool wind brush along my face as I went forward and my hair wrap around in tangles as I swung back.

The movement of the old swing made a terribly loud creaking sound, almost like a groan. I laughed at the peculiar sound and the ticklish feeling of flying through the air just like I had done countless times when I was a child. It was such a liberating feeling, almost like being weightless but still in total control and I made a mental note to do it more often.

I heard voices and leaves crunching underfoot too soon to slow down. Edward and Jasper appeared on the path from my house side by side, wearing matching smiles. I slowed the swing down as they came closer, scraping my shoes along the wet, overgrown grass underneath my feet.

Once inside the tree house, Edward shut the doors behind him, and I opened the shutters to the little window to allow some light in.

Jasper lit the joint right away, passing it to me first. I took a drag, and sent it on its merry way to my companions. Once we were sufficiently stoned and all made various declarations of being in said state, we sat back and were quiet for a while.

Edward chewed the inside of his cheek crossing his legs in front of him as Jasper leaned back on his elbows stretching his long legs next to me.

His foot brushed my leg and he said, "Oh sorry, did I get you dirty?"

He sat up quickly brushing the smudge of mud away. I shrugged my shoulders, saying, "No big deal," because it wasn't. Edward smiled briefly before looking away almost forlorn. He was an odd one, for certain.

"So what do you guys do here on the weekends?" I asked. I had a sudden craving for a cigarette.

"Unless there's a party, on Friday's usually we all go down to La Push and hang out there. Saturdays suck. It's considered date night or some shit like that."

"La Push beach?" I asked, remembering the numerous times my family had gone there over the years.

"Yeah, we hang by the concession stand. It has a big awning and picnic tables. Everyone brings beverages and we just hang and listen to music and shit. You're in Forks, babe…not exactly the excitement capital of the world." he laughed.

"No, it sounds good to me. Do Alice and Rosalie usually go there or…" I asked, not yet having consulted with my female counterparts about possible weekend activities.

"Yeah, usually. Like I said, not many options. You could always go to a movie in Port Angeles or something but no one really wants to drive that far."

I shook my head. "Hey Edward, you smoke right?" I asked. His head shot up unexpectedly, his gray eyes piercing into my brown ones. "Can I bum a cigarette?"

He reached into his pocket, placing the pack on the floor between us, rather than just handing one to me. He slid it forward a bit, and I thanked him, pulling one from the almost empty pack. He retrieved the pack, pulled one out for himself and lit it.

"Anytime," he responded smoothly, blowing smoke up into the ceiling. I watched his lips encircle the white tube, feeling the overwhelming urge to put my mouth on the cigarette after him so that I could taste him.

_I wanted to fucking taste him._

The sight of his mouth moving around the cigarette instinctively made me touch my own lips. I licked them, putting the cigarette to my mouth, mesmerized by his face. He stared back at me pursing his lips before he blew a perfect ring of smoke over our heads. I took in the way the muscles in his throat moved and the slight protrusion of his Adam's apple as it bobbed. I wanted to suck on it.

_Wow, you are one baked little girl._

What felt like a million years in my high was probably seconds, but I couldn't help but feel exposed and ashamed and turned on all at the same time. Giggling at my stupidity, I snapped out of my hazy reverie and asked him for the lighter. Edward threw it to me overhand, though I was sitting a foot and a half away from him. It whipped past my head with a whizzing sound and smacked against the wooden panel a few feet behind me, falling to the floor with a thud.

"Ooops, sorry." He apologized immediately as he cringed.

"Jesus, Edward," I said, "My step dad could use that arm on his team." Reaching behind me, I picked up the lighter and lit my cigarette.

"What team is that?" Jasper asked, rolling onto his side as he propped his head in his hand.

"Oh uh…my step father is a catcher for the Dodgers." I nodded, blowing a puff of smoke out the little window.

The two of them looked at each other incredulously and at the same time, asked, "Phil Dwyer?"

I chuckled, not realizing that they were baseball fans. "Yeah, you know of him?"

Edward rambled on about how Phil was nick named "Bionic Man" because of his knee replacement, how he won the gold on the US Olympic Baseball team in Sydney at the 2000 games, how he played for the Florida Suns before he was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks, then he was injured before finally being signed to the Dodgers last year. He also went on about Phil's batting average and other various boring statistics, but my head sort of floated up above the clouds by that point.

I sat wide eyed and laughed again because first off, I had never heard him speak so much before, and second, he had a passion in him that was undeniable. This boy was a baseball fan for absolute certain. I found it interesting that he was able to not only remember all of that information while high, but spew it out coherently.

"I am impressed," I said.

"Her stepfather is Phil Dwyer," Edward said to Jasper again, as if he still couldn't believe it.

"I'll get you an autographed ball if you like," I offered. The expressions on their faces were priceless.

I picked up a Seventeen magazine from the messy stack in the corner and leafed through it while they mumbled amongst each other about baseball stats and whatnot. I was not a sports fan at all. My mother dragged me to Phil's games to sit with all the team wives, but I found it boring and tedious. Truly, I never quite grasped what the thrill of the game was, at all, other than admiring the players nice butts in their tight pants.

"Shit!" I cried, as the page cut into my finger leaving a faint ooze of blood. "Stupid useless subscription inserts!" I sucked on my stinging finger, drawing the blood into my mouth as the two of them watched intently. In my mind, it felt like everything I did was overtly sexual, even though it probably wasn't even remotely attractive. I suddenly needed to pee really badly, but remembered that my father was at home.

"Hey, would it be okay if I could use your bathroom? Charlie is home and I don't want him to see me high." They both shook their heads and we departed the tree house to make our way up to the path to their home. There was a peculiar pink station wagon with daisies painted all over it parked in the circular driveway.

"Is that Emmett's car?" I asked jokingly, obviously knowing that it wasn't.

They roared with laughter and Jasper muttered, "That's the housekeeping service."

_Ah, of course they have housekeepers._

They led me through the double front doors into the massive pale gray marble tiled entryway. I stood gaping for a moment, taking in the elegance, the enormity and the comfort of it all. Admittedly, I was expecting the home to be pretentious and ornate, but it was anything but. Aside from the cold tiles underfoot and the twenty foot ceilings above, the enormous open space was oddly warm and inviting. The walls were a soft buttery yellow, bordered by bright white crown moldings, and chair rail.

To the right was an open room with black grand piano set on a low platform. Behind that sat a massive fireplace with a lovely painting hung above the decorative wooden mantle. On either side of the fireplace were long windows, uncurtained, I suppose to allow the rising sun light in. Behind that was the kitchen which I could only see a small portion of through the arched entryway.

To the left of us was an enormous living room artfully decorated in almost white suede couches that looked entirely inviting to sit in. There was a fireplace in that room as well, with a carved mantle and marble tiles framing the wood. Several framed black and white family photographs speckled the mantle and I knew at one point I would like to see them. Beyond that room appeared to be a smaller room with French doors. Inside, I could see another set of dark couches and a flat screen television.

The boys slipped off their shoes and set them next to a padded bench by the front doors. I followed suit, placing my tiny flats next to their enormous sneakers.

In front of us was a large staircase that led to the second floor, curved in an arch with a small table that sat under a beautiful painting. It was a Salvador Dali, and I had recognized it from the countless museum trips my mother and I took when we lived briefly in New York City. Almost as if pulled by an invisible string I was drawn to the painting.

"Is that an original?" I asked in awe.

"You know Dali?" Edward asked incredulously, slipping off his jacket to hang it in the front closet.

"Um, yes. I lived in New York for a bit and my mother and I took countless trips to the museums there. Dali is one of my favorites."

Edward's smile faded and he said, "You lived in New York?"

"Only for a few months and then we moved on to…"

"It's not an original," Jasper interrupted. "Dad wants one desperately to add to his collection, but they are hard to come by unless you know the right people."

I nodded, feeling my bladder cringe. "Bathroom?"

Jasper led me to the bathroom off of the enormous kitchen, but we found the housekeeper on her knees buried in cleaner. He greeted her politely and then mumbled something about his and Emmett's bathroom being "fucking disgusting." Edward sighed, offering to let me use his bathroom, which elicited an eyebrow raise from Jasper. The exchange was odd, but I was high so I thought I probably hallucinated it.

With hooded lids, Edward led me up the stairs. We ambled slowly down the carpeted hall to the last door.

Again, I stood mesmerized by the sight. I wasn't even sure if it was because I was so stoned. His room looked like it had been clipped from a Pottery Barn or Restoration Hardware catalogue.

It was so intensely soothing and serene yet unsettlingly sterile at the same time. Nothing was out of place. There was no typical teenage clutter, no piles of clothing, not a speck of dust along the dark furniture tops. But more notable than that, there were no adornments on the shelves other than neat rows of books and CD's. No awards or trophies, no photos of family and friends, no banners or seductive posters of half naked pop stars on the walls. On his desk sat a closed laptop computer and his book bag from school.

_So unusual for a teenage boy._

The room had high ceilings with a skylight in the center, creamy taupe walls and bright white moldings that were contrasted by the rich brown of his furniture. His meticulously made bed bore a white hotel style comforter that had a taupe striped border running around the edges, and matching pillows set against his headboard. On the left was a comfortable looking brown leather couch. To the right, a brick fireplace with a flat screen television hung above it sat positioned between two doors.

"Edward, this is beautiful, " I marveled as I sucked on my bloody finger. "I guess I came on a good day; the housekeeper has apparently already been up here."

He crossed the room and opened the bathroom door for me. "No, it always looks like this. She's not really allowed in my room. No one is," he said quietly.

I looked at him for a second, entranced by his eyes. "Your eyes are gray today," I whispered. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch his face.

"Oh, um…they change color depending on what I'm wearing," he responded softly, with a small smile.

Something fluttered in my chest again and I ducked into the bathroom before I puked or burst into tears or mounted his leg- either of the three a genuine possibility.

"There are Band-Aids in the cabinet next to the vanity," he called through the door. "Don't bleed on anything... please." I rolled my eyes and sucked on my finger again.

I looked around at the beautiful bathroom, which was about the size of my bedroom and sighed. Again- neat, meticulously clean and clutter free. I peered in the sink- not a single whisker could be found and by the look of his smooth face, he had definitely shaved that morning. I don't know why it fascinated me so much, I suppose I was used to the only two men in my life being slobs.

I used the toilet, washed my hands and noticed the moss green hand towels hanging perfectly level on the rack next to the sink. I was almost afraid to use them, so I patted my hands delicately, not really drying them much. Wiping them on my leggings, I opened the cabinet for a Band-Aid and muttered, "Holy shit."

There were six rows of toiletries, all high end brands that I didn't recognize from the cosmetic aisles of Walmart.

_I bet he wouldn't be caught dead there._

I counted seventeen bottles of lotions, creams, colognes and tonics, and endless assortment of hair products. They were arranged in height order, labels facing outward, aligned in a perfect row. It felt like a cross between _Sleeping with the Enemy_ and _American Psycho_. And truthfully, if he even closely resembled either, I should have been running away from that bathroom screaming for my life.

But I didn't.

I just couldn't.

"Hey Edward," I called, opening the door. He was sitting across the room on his couch with one leg tucked under him waiting for me. "You're a little OCD, huh?" I chuckled, saying it completely as a joke.

His face fell and he shook his head slowly in silent acknowledgement as his eyes met mine. In that moment, something passed between us that shook me. I realized that not only had he let me into his room but admitted something that was deeply personal and private and possibly embarrassing for him.

_And I had made fun of him._

_You stupid fucking ass._

Awkwardness filled the air as he looked away fidgeting with his hands in his lap. He looked so childlike, just as he did that morning, no leather jacket to hide behind, only his shyness and his anger. His ribbed gray shirt clung to his chest and arms, revealing defined perfection underneath the fabric.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." I said, planted firmly on the bathroom entryway feeling like a complete jackass. "I was just kidding."

"It's no big deal," he said quietly, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm a neat freak. Some people call it OCD. Depends on who you ask."

In a meager effort to rectify my earlier statement, I blurted out, "Well, I suppose I would prefer my boyfriend to be neat than a slob." When he looked up at me with his eyebrows knitted together it occurred to me what I had said. "Uh, not that you are my boyfriend…or would be… or want to be… I mean just that if I had to choose between one or the other I'd pick the other…" He chuckled, shaking his head.

"Edward," I said sighing, "I am really high and I don't know what the hell I'm saying right now." He nodded with a smirk, still chuckled at me. The mood lightened as he rose from the couch, opening his desk drawer to pull out a cigarette. He offered me one, and I took it gratefully as we went through the sliding glass door to the wide outside balcony.

The whitewashed wood stretched all the way down the length of the house, connecting three sets of sliding glass doors, which I assumed were each of the boy's rooms. It wrapped around the side of the house that Edward's bedroom was on, ending with a long staircase that led to the patio down below. In a wider part of the balcony that jetted out in the middle sat a cushy striped covered rattan loveseat, chair and coffee table with an umbrella.

I gripped my hand on the rail peering over the edge. Below I could see a partial view of their covered patio, a chair and a huge steel barbecue grill.

Looking straight out, the view was breathtaking. I gasped, never realizing the true beauty and magnificence was beyond the home I'd lived in most of my life. I could hear the babble of the river behind their house, most of it visible from the balcony. The landscape was speckled with tall pines and beyond that, lush green mountains with hazy clouded peaks. "Wow, this view is amazing." I wondered if Edward came out here in the morning to watch the sunrise.

"Do you come out here a lot?" I asked. He was a few feet away from me, leaning his foot on the lower rung of the rail as he smoked.

"Sometimes," he shrugged. I noticed that his eyes were fixated my bare feet. I wiggled my toes, which were polished a vivid pink. Each of the big toes had bright yellow suns painted on them; my mother's idea of something to remind me of her.

"Suns?" he asked, with his eyebrow quirked.

"To remind me of home," I said softly, slightly embarrassed of how personal it was to me. "Well, to remind me of California, because I suppose this is my home now."

"You'll get used to it," he said with a nod. I assumed it was a statement that echoed his own experience. "Is that the real color of your skin?"

I looked down at the milky white inverted V shaped lines my flip-flops had left on my feet. "Yeah, I'm kind of pale. You don't like suntans?"

He shrugged. "Not really, no." I nodded, feeling awkward and momentarily unattractive.

We were quiet for a few minutes, staring out into the distance. I noticed over to the left of the house was a long glass building. "What is that, the garage?" Edward snickered, shaking his head no.

"The garage is in the front."

"The servant's quarters?" I raised an eyebrow in question.

He snickered. "We don't have servants, just a housekeeping service."

"Same thing," I snapped. "Ooh, I know…that's where Emmett keeps the dismembered bodies of his ex girlfriends?" His shoulders shook with silent laughter. "It's your spy headquarters? I've got it…your dad has a legion of hungry vampires held captive in there?"

"Yeah right, vampires in Forks. That's original."

"Come on…tell me," I pleaded.

He rolled his eyes and took another drag. "It's an indoor swimming pool."

"You have an indoor pool? Oh, wow that's awesome!" I beamed, surprised at my own childlike excitement. He chuckled again and put his fingers to his lips.

"Shhh. Top secret. Don't tell anyone."

I nodded. "Why so covert?'

"Because Emmett has parties here from time to time and all we need is some drunken asshole to clog up the filter system with puke."

"Ahhh gottcha," I said, nodding. "I bet you have a bowling alley in the basement too." I mused, more to myself than him.

His face turned a slight shade of red as he snickered and looked away into the distance.

"Noooo," I said in disbelief. "You have an actual bowling alley in the basement?' I screeched. "Come on…"

He giggled. "It's just one lane."

"One lane? Get the hell out of here," I said incredulously, sounding like a total stoner.

"You bowl?" he asked, genuinely surprised.

"Hell no. Have you seen me in gym? I have no athletic ability whatsoever."

"Yeah, I have seen you in gym. You…are...a spaz. Bowling could be a definite hazard to the people around you," he laughed.

"What?" I said throwing my hand over my heart in mock insult. "I'm not a spaz, I'm just not as vertically adept as some people." I head my head high.

"You are a full on spaz." He laughed harder, blowing out more smoke. I reached out to playfully smack his bicep, but he flinched and moved away faster than I could strike. It was almost instinctive, as if he saw it coming before it actually did.

"Wow, you have stealthy reflexes for a stoner," I remarked. "Hey," I said completely distracted, as I leaned slowly over to the look at the part of balcony that wrapped around the house. "I wonder if you can see my bedroom from here."

Just then, Jazz bounded through the doors yelling something about me taking too goddamn long to pee and that he was fucking starving and going to eat his fucking feet if he didn't get food now.

We sat in the kitchen eating trail mix and rice cakes, which did nothing to stave off the thirst from the cotton mouth. I was craving an ice cold Sprite, but all they could find in the enormous butler's pantry was warm bottled water and lemon infused Perrier. It did the trick.

They apologized for the lack of "decent fucking snacks" while I walked repeatedly to the front window to check if Charlie's truck was gone. I told them next time we would have a munchie fest at my house because I had some really good treats over there. Once I spied Charlie's truck gone, I thanked them and left, happy but sad at the same time.

I loved both of their company and I was delighted at mine and Edward's balcony conversation, though surface as it was. I was definitely, without a doubt attracted to Edward and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was his mysterious brooding thing? Maybe it was the fact that he barely knew I was alive in school? Maybe it was that I really enjoyed a challenge?

_That's so not me though. _

_Hey you came here trying to start over, so maybe you are a different person now._

After finishing my homework, I ate a wholesome dinner of a peanut butter and banana sandwich, and checked my email. I spent a while carefully picking out the following days outfit before I slipped into bed.

_Dear God, _

_Please bless and feed all of the starving children in Somalia and give the homeless people a warm place to sleep. Please watch over my family and my friends and keep Charlie safe on his case. Thank you for keeping me relatively accident free for the last few days, and I would appreciate the same for the next few as well. Also, thank you for today with Edward. I hope that there will be more days like this one even if I don't know why I like him. I like him, right? _

_Amen._

At ten, I shut the light and lay in the darkness for a long while. I thought about Edward's eyes and the way they were so stunningly gray today, and his mouth, the way his lips moved when he laughed. I imagined him on his couch, his tight gray shirt folded neatly on the seat next to him, wearing only his jeans and nothing else. He was so beautiful and intriguing, but there was definitely something off about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

So instead of dwelling on it, I slipped my hand under the waist band of my pajamas.

That night as he did the night before, I imagined Edward working his fingers on me, bringing me to a place that was magic.

And I dreamed a dream of him so sweet.

**~%~**

**Sleeping With the Enemy is a movie starring Julia Roberts where her husband was an abusive psychopath who made her turn all the pantry labels out and keep the towels aligned. American Psycho starred Christian Bale who was similar to Edward in his OCD and cleanliness but on a whole different level. Oh and he murdered people. If you get a chance, watch the "Morning Routine" from that morning on youtube. It's fantastically creepy and unsettling, even if you've never seen the movie.**


	5. Chapter 5 I Want to Kiss You

**Very special thanks to SuzyQ402 for the car stuff, the pics, the siggy and the laughter and thanks to Becca for beta'ing. **

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 5~ I Want to Kiss You**

**Well it might be the smile  
Or the way you look into my eyes  
Baby ooh what to do  
I won't know until I kiss you  
That's why, that's why I got to have you  
I got to have you baby**

**Devin~ I Want To Kiss You**

**~Edward~**

My life fucking sucks balls.

So, if I hadn't been high as that fucking Space Needle thing in Seattle I would have pissed my two hundred dollar jeans right there on the balcony. When I took her out there, it never even occurred to me that she would make the observation. But she leaned over and I swear to God, a look of wistful wonderment filled her eyes as she asked if I could see her window from where we stood.

Her goddamn motherfucking window.

_Holy Christ._

I completely panicked, almost turning green with nausea, the possible onset of a full blown panic attack imminent. But before I could actually answer or think of anything clever to divert her attention, Jazz walked in and saved my ass. I knew I owed him big, and he had no clue as to what a humongous favor he had just done me. If she ever found out, the nightly peep shows would come to an abrupt end as well as sever any impending friendship with her. Not to mention adding "creepy voyeuristic pervert" to my reputation as the "scary quiet freak who dressed well and avoided estrogen like the plague."

_Hey, at least they'd stop thinking I was gay._

However, keeping in mind the fact he called her, "Babe," and casually threw his arm around her shoulders when he ushered her out of my room…I should have fucking beat his ass, so in my book we were even.

My clever plan of being a complete dick to her was total fail. The conversation we'd had on my balcony, though wholly benign, could be interpreted as highly intimate for a person who hadn't touched or spoken to a female under the age of eighteen in over a year. Which I should take the opportunity to mention here- the restraint and commitment that that entailed was hard fucking work, and quite the daunting practice, I might add….even for someone as regimented and methodical regarding mundane daily practices such as I was.

But at some point, I figured I could have innocent conversations with her as long as I didn't touch her…or let her touch me. That was the tricky part.

She had moved to playfully slap me on the arm when I was teasing her about being a spaz and I yanked myself back as if she had cooties and we were in the second grade. She was either going to think I was a total pussy and scared to get hit by a girl, a germaphobe… or even a haphebaphobic, which is what most people thought anyway. It was easier to let people assume I had a fear of being touched than to reveal the ugly truth. I suppose it was always easier to hide under a mask than to wear the scars of a damaged and fucked up past outwardly on my face.

Particularly scars that I didn't earn. Well, not really.

Besides, I knew half the Forks High School population thought I was gay anyway. I never defended it or denied it, and I knew there were rumors going around about me since the first week we'd arrived. It wasn't a far fetched notion- I mean, I dressed better than any of these lame K-Mart brand t-shirt wearing motherfuckers would ever know, I drove a sixty thousand dollar car, I never spoke to, touched or looked at anything with breasts, I was a complete neat freak, and totally anal retentive with a generous amount of OCD thrown in for good measure. Except for being flamboyant, I was just about everything the stereotype entailed and more.

Regardless of the reputation I had earned, I figured it was better that way, since all the girls left me the fuck alone. Apparently, the gay male population of Forks was still hiding dubiously in the metaphorical closet because I hadn't once been propositioned by a single guy. If I thought about it hard enough, I might actually be offended by that.

Because…it wasn't like I was hard to look at.

But considering I was a completely indifferent dick to just about everybody that crossed my path, it wasn't a surprise that I had few guy friends, not that I really wanted any in the first place. Jazz and Emmett's companionship was sufficient enough for me to survive on until things changed.

But none of that shit even mattered to me because until two days ago, not a single one of these generic, small town - trying too hard to look like a Hollywood starlet girls caught my attention.

Now that Bella Swan moved back into town, I was pretty much fucked.

And to my complete dismay, only in the figurative sense and not the literal. _Never in the literal._

But here was Bella, out on my balcony with me barefoot, high and laughing and completely unguarded as her hair blew in the wind. I was terrified of making an ass of myself…and truly, that was a first for me. In Chicago, I never once had a problem talking to girls because I didn't really give a shit about any one in particular. Conversation flowed easily, and I came off as a cocky, suave motherfucker…a few traits I must have inherited from my biological father, I am quite certain. I also had a ton of female friends, so talking to girls was actually quite the mundane practice. My indifference was mostly mistaken for confidence and sometimes arrogance but now…now I was just a fucking mess. And it was all Bella's fault.

I actually had to brace my foot on the balcony rail to stop my leg from shaking because apparently, Bella made me fucking nervous. It was extremely difficult to reign in particularly when being high- for whatever reason, she had a power over me that let some of the carefully constructed walls crumble, much to my protest. Marijuana rendered me relaxed and natural, causing my edge to dissolve. It was entirely frustrating, because she was so easy to talk to, so I shouldn't have been shitting myself in her presence. Deep down I knew why that was though.

I never felt this strong of a draw to a girl before. Ever.

_I am so fucked…_

After she left that night, I discretely watched her walk home and smiled when she dropped her keys twice at the front door. Jasper watched too, making crass comments about her ass that made me want to tackle him tot the ground and rub sand in his eyes.

We ate our obligatory happy earth family organic tree bark and fat free/ salt free/ taste free soy mulch dinner and I worked out in the basement with Emmett afterward, still fucking famished. We usually bullshitted during our workouts, but I wasn't too eager to admit my precarious predicament to him. Sometimes he could be a complete douche, and I knew very well what he would say. "_Fuck her and don't get caught." _

As if it were that easy.

So we talked about music and classes and I changed the subject when he asked me if I had seen Charlie's daughter with the great ass.

And I don't mind saying how it was pissing me off that everyone was looking at, noticing, and now openly discussing her ass. It was stupid…like I was calling shotgun on her ass, claiming all rights to ownage.

_Mine, mine, mine…I saw her first...mine._

When we finished up in the basement, my father called me into his office as I passed his doorway on my way upstairs. I knew it was only a matter of time before he got a progress report call from Dr. Kate. What a fucking tattletale she was calling my dad because I had a little temper tantrum in her office. Even though she was bound by doctor/patient confidentiality, she was obligated to report my progress (or lack thereof) to my parents.

Gesturing to the chair in front of his massive desk he said softly, "Edward, please sit." He sat back in his Italian leather chair, closing the lid of his laptop on the desk in front of him. I played innocent as I sat down in the chair opposite his, waiting to get reamed. I cringed inwardly as I sat squirming, obsessing because I hated the idea that I was drenched in sweat and needed to shower.

I spent the better part of the conversation rolling my eyes and snorting at Carlisle at his rationale for expecting my cooperation. I knew he understood my side of the heated exchange as well as my actions in her office, but it was his role as a father foremost, as well as my doctor, to protect me. Apparently, behaving in a hostile manner to my court appointed shrink was certainly not in my best interest.

Just wanting to escape the room coupled with the feel of the torturously hot leather under my thighs making me insane. I made an unenthusiastic promise to make a sincere apology to Dr. Kate at the next session. I took the opportunity to ask for some more Percocet's for my headaches, and he tentatively but graciously gave me six pills in a tiny zip lock bag. I knew he was hesitant about doing so, but truly there wasn't any reason to be…well, not really. With the exception of alcohol and marijuana, I hadn't touched anything illegal since we made Forks our residence, but he was always cautious. I left, slumping to my room, pissed off yet again.

It was still relatively early, so after my non-masturbatory shower, I vacuumed and dusted as usual, read another chapter of assigned English reading and worked on my History project. I thought about looking at some internet porn, but I didn't want the filthy images of random sluts marring the beautiful ones of Bella sucking me off later on.

I peered out through the arched bathroom window, grimacing as my dry bare feet got wet in the white porcelain Jacuzzi tub, to watch for her bedroom light to go on. When it finally did, I headed outside, cigarette and lighter in hand.

She was in her room a while before she did her personal fashion show in front of the mirror. Outfit after outfit was slipped over her head, modeled and scornfully rejected, before the winning selection was chosen- some frilly red top and jeans I think. The distance made anything from her waist down difficult to make out. She wore a black bra, seemingly plain and I imagined her in something lacy and feminine with matching panties.

Lately, I was very much into the low cut, ass cheek revealing boy shorts with lacy bras and simple tight tank tops with coordinating panties (the aforementioned as an alternative to the ever fashionable and classic white button down shirt.) I had watched enough porn to know what I favored and in my fucked up, highly organized mind I had them categorized into mental lists grouped into preferences….with starred ratings…and maybe even a bar graph or two.

Okay not really...but I could if I really wanted to.

Before now, the girls I fantasized about were faceless scantily clad bodies that I would generally borrow from movies, magazines, or porn, and put them into my imaginary line of sight while I rubbed one out. But now the body had become quite distinct. My fantasy girl had soft tanned skin, firm medium sized breasts, and a toned stomach with a shiny silver navel ring dangling above the waistline of her low slung fitted jeans. Her back was always covered by a curtain of wavy chocolate hair that was long enough to almost graze the sexy little dimples on either side of her lower back. And her face… her face was _fucking beautiful_.

After her lights finally went out, I headed back inside and noticed the alarm clock on the nightstand read 10:17…she was running late tonight. Crossing the room in haste, I locked my bedroom door before going to my bathroom to get two towels- one wet and the other dry. I fished in the back of the nightstand drawer where I found a small bottle of warming lube, then slid in between the cool covers as I shimmied off my pajama pants. In my head, I was imagining that it was Bella doing it for me preferably with her teeth as I removed my t-shirt, laying it neatly on the bed next to me.

I laid the small dry towel on my stomach, dousing my hand with the lube before I grasped my cock in my right hand. It was hard as steel by then, aching to have its release inside a warm pussy, but like a good sport, he understood that he would have to settle for the palm of my hand as usual.

I gripped my cock firmly in my palm, using a reverse stroke technique that I had heard Ben talking about in the locker room during gym earlier today. Though it was a sort of awkward position this way, my thumb faced down and my pinkie grazed the head. I threw my left forearm over my eyes as I imagined Bella on the swing out back, her hair flying behind her in long wiry tendrils as the wind took her forward. The slick sensation of skin on skin took me to the place I needed to be with her as I envisioned myself walking up to her on the swing, now stationary as she looked up adorningly at me.

My hand sped up a little faster, while I moved between her parted legs, her sweet mouth level with my cock. "Hi Beautiful," I whispered, gazing down at her. She was wearing a white tank top with no bra; the thin fabric clearly outlining the darker skin of her nipples. My hand stroked a bit harder, and I let my pinkie rub circles around the head in the liquid that had settled there as it neared the top.

In my mind, I ran my fingers delicately along her collarbone as she unzipped my jeans. My thumb traced the strap of her tank top, pulling it down off her shoulder gently, exposing her gorgeous pert breast. The friction was growing, heated lube and soft skin burning under my rigid palm, as I sped up the pace, arching my head back into the pillow.

Bella's mouth licked the head of my cock, as I replaced her tongue with my pinkie and as I watched her slide my length between her lips. I groaned out loud at the sight, against my better judgment, because I did share a hallway with two other occupied bedrooms. Not, that both of my brothers didn't engage in this very act themselves nightly, but I am absolutely certain, neither of them wanted to _hear _me taking care of myself.

"Fuck, Beautiful, you feel so good on my dick," I whispered to her. She looked up at me through her thick black eyelashes, her sweet smile only made more perfect by the addition of my cock in her mouth. My fantasy Bella barely got her lips down to the base of my cock when I released, hot and spurting on the towel placed on my stomach. I suppressed an outward cry as I came, squeezing myself firmly in my palm as I allowed it to empty.

I lay, spent and still somewhat sexually frustrated for a few seconds before I thoroughly cleaned up after myself. Rarely did I jerk off in bed because of the mess it had the potential of making, but these nightly occurrences changed all the rules for me. I slept like a baby that night, visions of beautiful Bella swinging in my head.

***%***

Friday, school was uneventful up until fourth period English. I don't really even remember specifics of my first three periods, just taking notes robotically and passing in homework assignments. I began to look forward to fourth period English, for obvious reasons, but I always figuratively kicked myself in the ass when I ignored her friendly smiles. She gracefully brushed it off, and I wondered when it would start to trouble her, if ever, that I was such a complete dick to this girl when we weren't stoned.

Maybe she didn't even give a shit about my farce of indifference toward her, but by the way she tried to casually make conversation with me, I knew that was likely not the case. And I was hurting her, whether I meant to or not.

The problem was that my plan on treating her as if she were nothing to me was such an outright lie, that it actually hurt me knowing that I was upsetting her.

I had it bad…and it had only been three fucking days.

The one hundred I received on my English exam and the very approving nod it accompanied from the teacher elicited quite a reaction from Bella. It lingered in the forefront of my mind for the rest of the day, making me feel like shit. I caught her in my periphery nosily craning her neck in order to get a better look at my test score. When I noticed, I blatantly held the paper up to her with a very arrogant and sarcastic expression, as if to say, _here…you wanna see, nosy girl?_

She gave me a sarcastic thumbs up, looking away red faced. She was clearly embarrassed, and I immediately felt like shit for being a dick. She didn't look up at me the rest of the period, and thank God, because she would have seen me checking her out the whole time. My eyes were fixated on her stupid pink feather pen in which she was absently tracing along her jaw line as she took notes. I am sure my mouth was open wide enough that I could stick my entire fucking foot into it as I unabashedly gaped at her. The red blouse she was wearing had these frilly ruffles along the wide neckline, soft and feminine and they matched her red, knee high 'fuck me' boots to perfection.

As the classroom discussion of racism progressed, I began to imagine her straddling me in nothing but those boots and a red thong when I was called upon to answer a question that I had no fucking clue as how to answer. I asked for the question to be repeated, struggling to answer while shifting in my seat to hide my erection as it grew rapidly under my pants. I cursed Bella, her red boots and my fucking fantasies of her in the red boots. It was then I decided to add the red, spiked heeled knee high, come fuck me boots to my ever growing catalogue of hot things I would be fantasizing about when jerking off to Bella.

White button down, white tank top, red thong, red come fuck me boots…

On the swing, on her knees, on my couch…

She didn't have a chance to make small talk in Bio, because Mr. Banner put on a film accompanied by a worksheet in which we were instructed to fill in the blanks as the movie progressed. In study hall, I immersed myself in geometry homework, then my English novel, and finally began scrawling random sentences on a sheet of loose-leaf, in effort to make it appear as if I were completely occupied. Across the table, she got the hint, and did little more than look up when I coughed.

As Jasper and I headed to his car, I noticed Bella talking with a group of girls while Alice pouted with her arms crossed in front of her. Jasper discreetly caught Bella's attention, pointing to his watch and mouthing 1_5 minutes, _but she shook her head no, motioning with a circumspect hand to her ear which we understood to mean that she would call him. I kept my face blank as I wondered quite agitatedly, as to when the fuck they had exchanged phone numbers.

A half hour later, we were in the tree house, just Jasper and I, when Bella called to say that she was sorry she ditched us. Apparently Rose forced her to go into Port Angeles to shop for new clothes, as she decided it was her outfit choices that were impeding Emmett from making their quasi- relationship public. Through the phone, I heard her say, "I'll see you guys tonight," and, "Tell Edward I said hello."

Jazz relayed the message as he hung up and I shrugged and grumbled an incoherent, "Yeah whatever," while I smiled brightly on the inside.

_She was coming to the beach tonight._

I only smoked a little, knowing we would be drinking later and not wanting the combined effects of the weed and alcohol to make me tired. Mom left a message that she and dad were going out to dinner straight from work, so I made myself a shitty fake soy peanut butter substitute and blueberry jelly sandwich on shitty whole grain bread with a glass of shitty rice milk.

Jasper and I smoked up in the tree house sans Bella, and I had to say, it was not the same without her. Something was off. There was a heavy weight lingering in the air and I couldn't quite identify what it was, but I think we both felt it. However, neither of us mentioned anything and kept the conversation between us light. We hung out for a while, bullshitting about nothing. It grew dark and the rain started to pound on the wooden roof above us.

It was around nine thirty when we pulled into the crowded parking lot of the beach, near the concession stands. Emmett rode with us, which was a welcomed rarity. He usually went with the guys from the team but there was a game tomorrow and he didn't want to get hammered, so he offered to be our designated driver.

We may have been derelicts to an extent, but the three of us made a promise to our parents to never drink and drive, or in my case, use and drive. And we kept that promise without question or incident.

The barbecue pits were already blaring with orange flames, spitting sparks into the crisp night air, lighting and warming the darkened space under the aluminum awning. Tyler Crowley had his iPod dock set on one of the old picnic tables, blasting out some classic rock tunes while groups had formed on tables and in corners talking and drinking. Full cases of beer were propped on the wooden tables and a few people were doing shots of something from a single glass that was passed around between them.

Emmett pulled a bottle of Grey Goose borrowed from Carlisle's liquor stash from his letterman's jacket. The three of us took swigs from the bottle

and when Mike and Alec joined us, I put a halt to my participation in the sharing. Mike got around…I would be damned if I spent the rest of my life battling Herpes from that undiscriminating douche.

I grabbed a beer off the table, throwing seventeen dollars from my pocket onto the table as was customary. I was three dollars short, but all I had was a 100 hundred dollar bill on me. Ben, having his older brother's college ID, bought the cases and everyone pitched in so he would get reimbursed for the money he spent.

I twisted the cap on my Bud and looked for her.

It was crowded already, at least seventy people or so had gathered but she wasn't there yet. I bounced my knee nervously; turning the bottle cap in my fingers as I casually scanned the area for her. I turned when Emmett muttered to himself, "Rose is here."

Which meant that Bella was too.

The girls pushed their way through the crowd, the three of them making a chain as they clasped hands. Bella was at the end, her hair curly and down, long against her short black belted wool coat. Her bangs were swept toward her ear and occasionally she'd blow them away from her eyes. It made me itchy just to look at them tickling her lashes, but they were sexy as hell and I'd missed them when she wore her hair clipped up.

Mike and Conner stopped them, likely to make crude remarks or whatever it was that they did to repulse girls, and Bella laughed rolling her eyes. When her gaze caught mine, she smiled. I nodded curtly, turning away from her to light a cigarette. My heart was thumping out of my fucking chest, and I hated myself for not being able to do what felt natural around her. However, I was willing to bet mounting her leg while humping her like a horny dog would not be appropriate in any circumstance.

As they eventually made their way over to us, Emmett approached Rose coolly, making small talk with her as Alice rambled on to Bella about something about the diner. I stepped up onto the bench to sit at the table, not three feet away from Bella, trying to be cool and aloof and failing miserably. I absently found myself thinking that if she just stood in between my open legs our mouths would be level.

I wanted to kiss her in the worst imaginable way, and it was becoming painfully frustrating to be around her. The effects of the vodka were hitting pretty strong by that point, creating a warm and fuzzy numbness in my face and chest. I kept smoking my cigarette, inhaling and exhaling in a sequence of calming rhythm. I loved smoking for that reason and that reason alone. It was disgusting and unhealthy, but it was relaxing and it made me look like I didn't give a shit. Plus it gave me something to do with my hands, which would be all over a certain beautiful girl's ass…

"Hey Edward," she cocked her head to the side, examining me or something as a smirk lingered on her mouth. The sight of her eyelashes fluttering sent my coherency into a downward spiral because I still had my thoughts on her mouth being level with mine and I involuntarily sputtered out, "Hey Beeee…"

_Oh Fuuuuuuccccckkkkkk._

My lips curled around my teeth preventing the "U-tiful" from escaping. My heart was pounding in my chest at the slip up and I was positive she could hear the thrums, or at least see the light sheen of nervous sweat that was forming over my neatly tamed eyebrows.

She quirked her own perfectly arched eyebrow, making her lips twist. "B?" she questioned. "What…is that your nickname for me or something?" Her hands slid to her hips in annoyance as she tapped her foot expectantly on the ground.

I shrugged my shoulders responding ever so eloquently, "Yep." Because I didn't know what else to fucking say, and I was too shaken up and inebriated to think of anything clever on the spot.

"What's it for?" she questioned, narrowing her eyes into little slits. She looked so fucking cute when she was mad. And hot…definitely hot.

I shrugged my shoulders, taking a swig of beer to distract her from watching my knees shake. "B… for… Bella. I don't fucking know. Just… B."

"It doesn't mean like, B for Bitch or something _derogatory_?"

"No, why would you think that?" I felt a soft smile spread over my mouth in genuine incredulity as to her malicious suspicions. Her expression suddenly mirrored mine.

"Your name for Alice isn't exactly complimentary." Her hands fidgeted at her silver coat belt buckle.

_Ahhh._ I shut my eyes briefly in understanding. "I didn't give her the nickname, Jasper did."

She quirked an eyebrow again, in clear mistrust. "Fine…then I'm calling you… E." She stuck her tongue out lifted her chin in indignation.

I chuckled and said, "Jasper and Emmett call me E all the time."

"Yeah but my E isn't short for Edward."

"Oh really? What's it short for then?" I countered, still smirking at her sweet bravado.

She shrugged her shoulders in smug defiance. "E coli…Ebola…" She looked up a second or two fishing for the correct word when she blurted out, "E…E…Erection!" Her hand flew to her mouth in horror as I spit out a mouthful of my beer upon hearing the word _erection_ come from her mouth. I rolled my eyes at her and laughed, shaking my head.

She mouthed, "Oh my God," swiped a beer off the table next to me then turned on her heel and skulked with a dismissive hand wave off obviously frustrated and mortified, leaving me laughing by myself at the table.

She kept her back to me for the most part, but I could see Alice's eyes darting from me to Bella to Jasper. Jasper finally approached them offering bottles of beer, which Alice accepted and Bella declined, as he threw his arms casually over their shoulders.

I wished I was able to do that.

When Jasper drank, he was overly flirtatious and touchy feely with the girls, which inevitable led to them thinking he was interested in them. Jasper had made many a girl cry over the last few years. His cavalier behavior annoyed the piss out of me. He had so many opportunities and rarely took them, even knowing the girls he left thinking he liked them would inevitable get hurt. Jasper would flirt and tease, leaving them to wonder what the hell they did to make him not want to take them home at the end of the night. A part of me thought that his sadistic side got off on that, and another part of me thought maybe it was his way of putting himself out there, while not having to actually have a relationship with someone. That, which led me to believe that his break up with Emily was devastating for him, more that he ever let on.

Again, something that was my fault.

Before Bella arrived in Forks, I spent my Friday nights doing the same fucking thing- getting high and drunk at First Beach… making mundane conversation with the guys… watching my brother _almost_ hook up with someone, and ignoring all of the girls who would on occasion get shit faced enough to muster up the courage to speak to me. I often wondered if it was a dare on their part, like being challenged to run up and touch the front porch of the neighborhood haunted house.

It was usually Jessica, Makenna and Lauren that hung out with the guys in my group. Not that I had an actual group, but the guys who sat at my lunch table were the ones we usually hung with at the beach and at parties. I was like an extension of them...not really friends, but present none the less.

Occasionally if I was drunk enough, I would respond to the girls when they made petty conversation, but I tried to steer clear of them regardless of my state of being. They were bitches and I didn't like them. Makenna was all right though. She just followed everything Lauren and Jess did, and that made me feel like she had no backbone or identity of her own. I couldn't respect that.

Anyway, now that Bella was here, I had something to look at…and something else to be pissed off about. Jasper's arm around her... Mike showing her his shitty fake ID… Alec chatting it up with her about God knows what. I was officially obsessed with this girl and she was barely giving me the time of day.

She disappeared to the other side of the sitting area, talking with Angela and Ben and some of the guys on the JV football team. That pissed me off too.

A few hours slipped by and the beers went down easily as I remained stationed on the picnic table, chain smoking while brooding and glaring at Bella across the way. The more I drank, the angrier I grew. She hadn't said one word to me, not that I had attempted to talk to her at all either after our embarrassing encounter, but still.

I left with Jasper to take a piss in the woods across the street and when I got back, Bella was with Alice, Rose, and Angela sitting at the picnic table where I had been seated for the past two hours.

Before I could even get close to her, the music changed to a girly pop song with a heavy techno beat behind it and all of the girls squealed, "I love this song!" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at the girlieness of it, as they began dancing in the middle of the picnic area. Alice grabbed Bella's hand, dragging her to the makeshift dance floor.

The guys, including myself, stared incredulously, as coats were shed and tossed onto nearby tables. As silly as it was, they were having such a good time, and a little part of me was jealous that I would never be able to have that kind of carefree, uninhibited fun. One, because I hardly even let my guard down and two, because I lived in a constant state of unhappiness. It had been well over a year since I felt the thrill or pure joy of something closely resembling pleasure.

_Stop fucking feeling sorry for yourself._

_You get happiness and pleasure when you jerk off…_

Bella and the other girls wore huge smiles as they danced, laughing and pursing their lips while they swayed to the heavy beats of the music. They were carefree and drunk, giggling at each other without a concern in the world. When a few random guys jumped into the mix with the intention of grinding their hard-ons into the girls asses, I felt my whole body tense. My fist gripped the neck of the beer bottle so tightly I thought the glass would shatter under my fingers.

Because I would kill a motherfucker if he touched Bella. And then it would be all over for me.

I watched as Mike moved closer to Bella, snaking his arms around her waist. Jessica gave Bella a nasty glare before she gritted her teeth at Lauren and I felt a cat fight ensuing. As entertaining as it was, I really didn't enjoy girl fights…unless they were in bikini's and covered in mud in a plastic kiddie pool.

I braced my hand on the edge of the table, ready to stand to rip Mike's fucking head off for touching her, or Jessica's…whoever fucked with her first. I was not at all concerned with the fact that I had absolutely no right to cockblock anyone who had interest in Bella, nor that I could probably take Jessica and Lauren down with one hand, but would get arrested doing so.

What the fuck was I even doing?

I made a mental note to properly warn Bella about Jessica and Lauren. They could be vicious bitches, which I had witnessed first hand in June when some freshman crossed Lauren one time too many. The girl lost a chunk of hair, her front tooth and all of her dignity by the time they were done with her. She had also peed her pants in fear which inevitably led to the transfer to another school by September.

I reigned in the imminent loss of control as soon as Rosalie grabbed Bella's wrist and lifted her up on top of the picnic table. Bella tossed her little coat on the bench, fluffing her hair around her shoulders. Rose shed her coat as well, revealing a tight, low cut top that her melon like- tits practically spilled out of. The two girls danced together, not overtly sexual, but sensual and beautiful. Bella's arms snaked gracefully above her as her feet moved to the techno beats of the music.

Bella's soft black sweater, fuzzy and obscenely tight, hung off one shoulder, exposing a whole lot of tanned, smooth skin. I had my eyes fixated on that shoulder, wanting nothing more than to kiss her skin there and make my way up her neck and then to her earlobe and jaw and eventually to her sweet, hot mouth, leaving the best for last. My dick grew in my pants, harder than ever, and I contemplated going to Jasper's car to relieve some of the building pressure.

But I was distracted by her ass, as it wiggled in her tight low cut jeans. She had strategically placed holes expertly frayed in the knees and one in the back of the thigh, just under her ass cheek where an inch of skin poked out. She looked so fucking hot- and I was not the only one who noticed.

Jasper nudged my arm nodding in her direction just before Alice joined them on the table. He muttered something I couldn't make out, that I probably would have decked him for, and then opened up another beer. He slithered up on the table next to me, snickering as he mumbled incoherently. His head slumped down, and he ran his hand through his hair.

"When did you smoke?" I asked, smelling the distinct odor of weed on his clothes.

"I dunno. Before…you were pissing I guess."

"You didn't think to ask me, dick?"

"No. You wanna go smoke?" he said slurring, obviously over his limit for the evening.

"No forget it, fuckwad," I snapped.

Bella turned around, suddenly making eye contact with me. Even though I was piss drunk and my reactions were sort of numbed and delayed by the alcohol, my heart leapt into my pants, and I could not break her gaze. A smile spread across her face and she lifted a finger up curling it forward.

_Come here please._

_Me?_

Thinking she meant my brother, I looked to Jasper who's head was still down and she shook her head.

_No…you._

My knees went completely weak as I swallowed hard, knowing that my dick could shatter concrete, and that I wanted her tongue in my mouth in the worst way. I inhaled deeply, zipping my leather to conceal my arousal. I slid off the table gripping the neck of my beer and took a few long, wobbly steps toward her. She crouched down, her hands gripping the worn edge of the table, like an animal waiting to pounce on her prey.

_Please don't touch me, Bella. I can't fucking touch you back…_

Her eyes met mine again, dark and fierce. I stood a mere two feet away from her, our faces and our mouths level and I knew if the situation was different I would have taken her into my arms and devoured her mouth right there and then. Probably her tits too…and her ass while I was at it.

I took a swig of beer, acting casual and aloof before cocking my head to the side.

Her smile never faded as I approached. It turned into a cute little smirk. "Hey B…wus up?"

"Hey E…can I bum a cigarette from you?" She said _E_ with a sarcastic tone, enjoying our newly formed names for each other. I liked it too, I had to admit. Though I would like it even more when I heard it come from her mouth in form of a muffled moan…

I pursed my lips, trying to maintain as much control as my drunken state would allow, as I fished in my leather jacket for the pack of smokes. I held my hand out offering it to her, but she just continued to smirk, making no move to take it from me.

_Fuck._

Her lips parted and I carefully stuck the cigarette right in her mouth, praying that she wouldn't reach for my hand or something. Cautiously cupping my hand around the end, I lit it, shielding the flame from the wind. I hadn't even been so close to her before. She smelled of burning wood and soapy clean perfume or something. And chocolate…was that chocolate?

Bella mouthed, "Thank you." She rose, and resumed dancing seductively on the table while the puffs of smoke drifted upward from her mouth. I walked away smiling to myself as I lit my own cigarette with the realization that Bella was actually flirting with me and I had to completely fucking ignore her.

_21 months until freedom._

_Won't even matter, because my balls will have exploded by then._

_And Bella will be gone._

At some point Emmett had gotten an eye full of Rosalie's provocative outfit coupled with the dancing and the lascivious stares she evoked, and stormed off somewhere to stew in his own jealous stupidity. She took off after him, leaving Bella and Alice to fend for themselves.

It got late and cold as people began to dissipate, the embers of the barbecue pit fires going out all around us in clouds of dense gray smoke. Jazz was still in a coma on the table next to me and Emmett was nowhere to be found. Bella and Alice were a few feet way, talking quietly. Their coats were back on and I was unreasonably sad at the loss of Bella's bare shoulder.

"We're going to get going. Are you guys okay to drive?" Bella asked.

"Uh, no actually, we're not," I replied, glancing at Jasper's heap. "Have you seen Emmett?"

"He left with Rose in her car about an hour ago. Angela was going to give us a ride home."

"Oh shit, are you serious? That fucking flat leaving bastard…" I seethed.

"Hey, I can drive you home," Bella said. "I only had one beer, like three hours ago."

Shaking my head I replied, "We have Jasper's car. It's a five speed."

She smiled and rolled her eyes. "I can drive a stick." Jasper's head snapped up and he muttered something about "no girl driving his car."

"My step father owns a $250, 000 Ferrari which I've been driving since I was fifteen. I'll be fine," she said confidently, while obviously completely annoyed.

That was enough reassurance for me. I popped off the table, pulling Jasper's bicep. "Let's go, Jasper."

I searched in Jasper's jacket for his keys as the four of us headed to his car. Jasper climbed in the back, his long legs cramming into the tiny space as he slumped down in the seat next to Alice.

We drove a while, the stillness in the car deafening. It was silent in the back seat so I turned expecting to see them sleeping; but very surprised to see Jasper's head nestled in Alice's lap. She was running her fingers through his hair, her head resting back on the seat with a small content smile on her face. Bella turned to glance at them and grimaced at me. We both knew he would be so fucked in the morning when Alice thought they would be getting married or something. I knew for a fact that Alice was not Jasper's type…at all.

_Fuck it…serves him right for getting so wasted._

Bella was surprisingly good at driving a manual transmission. She had no trouble with the coordination of the clutch and break and the gears shifted smoothly under her grip. I watched her hand wrap tightly around the knob as she moved it into third gear.

_Fuck…that should be my cock…_

"Hey, you've been driving since you were fifteen?" I asked. "How did you manage that?"

"Oh, um, Phil and my mom bought a little cabin Napa Valley…wine country. The roads that lead there are pretty desolate, and he taught me how to drive."

I nodded, trying to picture Bella in a Ferrari, which I immediately added to the list of jerk off fantasies. "Black?" I asked, trying to get a visual.

"Black? Oh, no red. Phil's Ferrari is red," she replied. "Hey E?" she asked. "How fast does this car go?"

I shrugged smiling at the continued use of my new name. "Jasper hasn't had it long enough to test it out, but I'm guessing probably around 140 miles per hour."

She craned her neck to look behind her at the snoring passengers in the back seat. A Cheshire grin played on her face. "Wanna test it out right now?"

"Uh…" Before I could protest, she down shifted the car into fifth gear, sending it into overdrive. Her foot jammed down onto the gas pedal as we surged ahead at full speed with a huge satisfied grin on her face and only the purr of the engine surrounding us. If I wasn't so wrecked, I probably would have shit my pants, but watching her control the sports car like a pro, fucking excited the hell out of me…until I felt the sudden need to throw up.

"B…pull over. Now!" She downshifted and swerved to the side of the road, jerking the car to a stop before I threw open the door. I stumbled out onto the wet grass and purged the entire contents of my stomach with audible disgusting puking sounds. I heard her door open and her heels clicking on the ground as she rounded the car toward me, but I held my hand up telling her with the gesture to back the fuck off.

I got back in the car, popped a mint in my mouth while scrubbing my hand over my face embarrassed, but still fucked up enough to not really give a shit. It was her fault anyway. Mostly.

"Sorry," she whispered. She drove the rest of the way home at the speed limit, silent. I told Bella to pull in front of her house, because I didn't want her to walk home alone from ours, even though it was maybe a hundred feet drive way to driveway. We left Alice and Jasper in the car as they were, and she waved good bye.

As she approached her doorstep, I called out, "Hey B? Meet you in the back at noon tomorrow?"

Bella turned with her keys jingling. "Noon? No, I won't be home until four. I have a…thing."

"Four then?" I said weakly.

"Yeah, okay. Four." She nodded. "Night E…feel better."

"Night B."

I watched her enter the house before I sauntered off down the road alone toward home. I was too spent to pleasure myself, but I smiled in satisfaction anyway, knowing that I had a whole bunch of new stuff to dream about.

And it all involved a certain beautiful girl.

My B.

**~%~**


	6. Chapter 6 Someone Like You

**SM owns it all.**

**A huge thank you to Suzy for her inspiration on this chapter…without her I would still be staring at my computer screen eating chocolate Twizzlers.**

**Thank you to Becca for proofing. Thank you to everyone who has rec'd this story. Go onto the Twilighted thread…I'll post teasers and we can talk about naughty things.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 6~ Someone Like You**

**I've been roaming around always looking down at all I see.  
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach.  
You know that I could use somebody  
Someone like you  
And all you know and how you speak**

**I hope it's gonna make you notice**

**Someone like me**

**Kings of Leon~ Use Somebody  
**

**~%~ Bella ~%~**

I shoved a heaping spoonful of Cocoa Pebbles into my mouth while peering out the front window. Jasper's car was no longer parked in front.

My mom had been rambling on about the opening of her new store for the last twenty minutes. I wasn't paying too much attention to her, as I was consumed in thoughts of Edward, wondering how badly he was hungover today. I was admittedly anxious to get through the afternoon so I could meet him at four.

My mom asked, "So when are you coming home to visit?" I rolled my eyes and sighed in exasperation, not that I didn't expect her to want me back so soon, but because she knew my moving was not so much a choice as it was a necessity.

"Mom, I just got here."

"I know but Phil and I miss you." Her voice was laced with sadness and I could hear her on the verge of tears.

"Mom…come on. Please don't make me feel guilty. I miss you guys too, but it's just so much better this way."

She cleared her throat, sighing in agreement as she changed the subject. "How are Alice and Rosalie and Jessica and who was that blonde girl… Laurie?"

"Lauren, Mom. Jess and Lauren are…like the girls in California so, I don't bother with them. But you should see Rose…she's like a frigging model and Alice is just as cute as ever. Oh, speaking of Alice, can you send some tops in a size small for her? Anything trendy. Oh and maybe some jeans too…size three? The True Religion's with the studs on the pockets, she would love those. I'll pay you for it as soon as I get my first check."

"It's my treat, Sweetie, I'd be happy to help out. We just got in some adorable plaid skirts that would look great on you girls. I'll send those too. So, how's… Mary doing?"

"I guess she's good. I haven't seen her yet, she works a lot of hours still. But I'll tell her you said hello." Mary was Alice's mom. She and my mother had been best friends since forever, but they got into a bit of a falling out when my mom and dad divorced. I guess you could say that my mother asked politely for Mary to not be "too neighborly" to Charlie once we'd moved away, and Mary found her subtle warning to be highly insulting. 'Too neighborly', meant _I don't want him anymore, but I don't want you to have him either. So back the fuck off_. I don't know what had transpired prior to that to make my mother so forward. Needless to say, they hadn't spoken in years.

"You do that." She said coolly. "And Charlie? How is he?"

I gave her the run down on the basics…the changes in the house, how Charlie looked exactly the same except for his bum leg, and I even spoke of the Cullen's, sans mentioning the three cute boys residing there. I wanted to tell her about Edward and Jasper, how they were so beautiful and fun but I tried to avoid the subject of boys with my mother because at the mention of the word, she would burst into a full on lecture about birth control and STD's and how college and autonomy were more important than any high school crush.

She was so terribly jaded about the fact that getting pregnant with me at the senior prom had ruined her chances of being an artist, though she would never ever say that aloud. I always felt responsible for the way things turned out for her when we initially left. Even at twelve, I understood that my mom had fallen out of love with my father partly because she resented him for convincing her to have a family so young.

We discussed the fact that I had not experienced any panic attacks in the four days that I'd been in Forks, and my mom requested that I open a bank account so she could deposit money in it for me. I protested, saying that Charlie and my possible new job would give me enough, but she countered saying that she felt better if she knew I had "mad money" to spend on frivolous things.

I hung up with her before my cell phone gave my ear a third degree burn and headed over to Billy's store at noon. It was located in Port Angeles, a good twenty minute ride from Forks…well, for most people it was longer, but I drove faster than the average cute teenage girl. His store front was at the edge of town just at the beginning the industrial area, away from the scenic shops along the harbor. The large brick building was connected to an automobile garage that by the apparent presence of expensive foreign cars, specialized in repairing high end automobiles. I parked in the front, ignoring the suggestive stares and whistles I received from the greasy men in the garage.

Billy was behind the counter on the phone when I entered the store, but the smile that spread across his face told me he recognized me right away. While he finished his call, I scanned the shelves of party supplies and colorful piñata's hanging from the ceiling. There were huge signs advertising tent rentals, Disc jockey's and several pictures of available bouncer houses behind the register. Once he finished his call we hugged, and caught up quickly before a tall blonde peered out of the back room wearing a sparkly green Tinkerbell outfit.

"Bella, this is Sasha." Sasha extended her hand to me courteously. "She'll fill you in on what she does and show you the ropes. Then you two can head over to the party and you can see Sasha make her magic." Billy said, with a genuine smile as he handed her a clipboard that apparently had the information for the location of the party she was supposed to appear at.

Sasha ushered me over to an area of the back room, which was lined with various costumes. Some of them were really beautiful- Cinderella's shimmery blue ball gown, Snow White's satiny red cape, and Belle's bright yellow ruffled hoop skirt. However, along side the elegant, girlie costumes were the ones that made me scowl with dread. The matted red fur of Elmo's costume hung on a hanger underneath a shelf that housed Dora the Explorer's enormous head. There was Big Bird and a few of the Sesame Street gang hanging there, Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, and of course, Barney in all his aubergine wonderment. They smelled like mildew and corn chips.

Sensing my trepidation, Sasha laughed as she held out the leg of a shiny pink Power Ranger costume. "You may cringe now, but those are actually the preferred costumes…the money makers. Once you put on the giant head, no one knows who you are, and you can act like an idiot without feeling like one. Keep in mind, the more animated you act, the more the kids like you and that means bigger tips from all the soccer moms."

"And what exactly does acting like an idiot entail?" I asked.

"Seriously? You jump around, wave, shake the kids hands and dance to music. The moms always want pictures of their kids with you, so you let them sit on your lap or whatever. If you have a wand, then you pop the snotty little brats in the head and call it magic. It's the easiest job in the world and the pay is excellent. My college tuition is paid for completely."

I nodded and smiled, envisioning myself impaling a four year old's head with the spike of a star shaped wand. I liked it.

"Oh, but watch the dads when you wear the princess costumes. Sometimes they can look a little too hard, if you know what I mean? Fucking pervs and their disgusting fairy tale fantasies." She seethed, opening a door to the large private changing area.

After she showed me the theatrical makeup and some tricks for donning various wigs and whatnot, we headed out to Sasha's car, scurrying past the whistling mechanics, who apparently fancied Tinkerbell.

Sasha murmured, "You'll get used to it. They are all really nice guys under the layers of grease."

Sliding into her passenger seat, I couldn't help but take notice of the guy hunched over a dark blue Mercedes. He looked vaguely familiar and I couldn't quite place his face as he glanced over briefly.

We drove a few minutes into a quiet upscale neighborhood, as Sasha and I spoke of college and the perks of living at home versus being in the dorms. Once we arrived at the house, I accompanied her into the home full of screaming little girls and throngs of moms donning video cameras.

I settled into a corner of the living room as Sasha danced around a bit, flittering her feet like a fairy would, bopped a few of the girls on their heads and said the phrase, "magical and amazing" like, a billion times. After pictures with all seventeen little girls and one very androgynous looking little boy, she collected her very generous tips and handed out lollipops with Billy's logo stamped on them. It was easy as pie, and I figured I could do this gig in a frigging heartbeat.

As we were leaving, the woman throwing the party kindly asked if we wanted goodie bags, because she had a few extra. I took them happily knowing that the boys would probably enjoy something not resembling sawdust when they got the munchies later on. We drove back to Billy's so Sasha could drop me off and I could tell Billy I would take the job. Once I squared off with him, working out my schedule and whatnot, I told him I would see him next Sunday for my first party. I was to portray Snow White.

As I walked to my car, the sun slipped back into looming gray clouds, threatening to storm.

"Hey!" A distinctly male voice called out, startling me as I slipped into my front seat.

_Oh my god._

I slid back out of the car, grinning as I walked toward the first boy who I had ever had a crush on. "Jacob?" I asked.

"Holy crap, Little Bella is that really you?" he asked incredulously, opening his arms to embrace me. His blue shirt was covered in Mercedes poop and I cautiously kept my distance as I hugged him, as to not get dirty. He pushed me back a bit, holding onto my shoulders as he examined me. Work in the shop pretty much halted to a complete stop as the guys looked on curiously. I hated being the center of attention, especially by a large group of men. I didn't mind it so much with an entourage, but flying solo and being stared at was no fun place for me. Before the panic could rise in my chest over the familiar scene, I pushed it away with a deep breath.

"Jake, how are you?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. His jet black hair was longer than I had ever remembered him wearing it. He tucked a silky, jaw length lock behind his ear.

"I'm good Bella, real good. Shit, my dad said you might be coming to work for him, but I didn't expect…I mean the least time I saw you was at my high school graduation party and you were what, ten?"

I thought for a moment back to that summer day when I was so sad knowing he was going off to college. "Um, eleven I think. You look, so…old. I mean, not old, but mature...like you are an actual guy now. I mean…"

_God, I am such a fucking idiot._

"Thanks, I get it," he laughed. "So you're back now? For how long?"

"Um, until I graduate, I guess. But I'm going to work for your dad, so I'm sure I'll see you around." Peering over into the shop I waved sheepishly at some of the guys who had yet to resume working and waved. "How long have you worked here?"

"Oh, it's actually my place. I bought it two years ago after I came home from college and had no idea what I wanted to do with myself. Graduated WU with a business degree and the owner was looking to sell his business here, so I took him over. I'm doing…well."

"Wow, that's great, Jacob."

He wiped his brow with the back of his hand. "Hey, we should hang out some time, grab some beers or something. I usually go to this place down the road here, Thirst and Main."

"Uh, Jake…I'm sixteen. Can't get into bars for another five years, but thanks for asking."

"You are only sixteen? Shit, Bella you look so much older, I forgot. Well maybe dinner or something…at Chucky Cheese's?" He raised a hopeful eyebrow.

I slapped him in the arm, playfully rolling my eyes. "Whatever, Jake. Maybe we can grab some spaghetti over at the senior center, Gramps."

My phone interrupted us as it buzzed with a text from Alice asking if I could pick her up from work later on. Angela, Alice and I were heading over to Rose's for pizza and a movie and talk of boys, because inevitably, Rose was probably down after her fiasco with Emmett at the beach, and Alice was likely completely mystified as to what the hell happened with Jasper in his back seat. I noticed it was 3:17, so I said goodbye to Jacob, anxious to get to the tree house.

I stealthily pulled down the visor, checking my makeup in the mirror before I headed into the back yard. The storm clouds were just rolling in, as they seemingly followed me on the drive from Port Angeles.

I made my way down the path, excitedly kicking up wet leaves underfoot. After last night, I thought things with Edward would have been weird particularly since I had blurted out the dreaded word, _erection_ to him, like a giant fucking moron. Never in my life did I want to fade into the floor than in that moment. I brushed it off, hoping that he was drunk enough to forget about it. After all, he asked me to meet him here today, so he couldn't have been too disgusted with me.

Edward made me so nervous. Just his presence across a crowded room threw me off kilter. I spent the whole night fending off the butterflies in my stomach, trying not to obviously stare in his direction. He was being somewhat nice to me…but he was drunk and I noticed that he was much friendlier when he was under the influence of something.

Still, he called me, "B." I had to wonder about where his new nickname for me came from, and if it was genuinely innocent in origin. Something about Edward made me not entirely trust him. That in itself was one of the reasons I found him so intriguing.

It wasn't four yet, but I heard voices in the tree house as I stood debating which method of entry I should take; the rock wall, the rope ladder or the slide. Straining to hear the conversation, I realized it was Jasper and a voice I did not recognize. I climbed up the rock wall, peering cautiously inside. Jasper and Emmett were sitting against the closest wall, Emmett in Edward's usual place. He had wet hair, which I assumed was from the shower he'd taken after the game. They greeted me, and Emmett held his hand out to help me inside. I was immediately disappointed at the evident absence of Edward.

"Hey guys, what's going on? How was the game?" I asked, scooting against the far wall. I was wearing a short denim skirt with a pair of really bright, obnoxious striped over the knee socks and black sneakers with a strap that looked like little girl's Maryjanes. I stretched my legs out in front of me, crossing them at the ankles as ladylike as I could manage, while Emmett's and Jasper's legs sandwiched mine in between theirs. Emmett, muscular and strapping in physique, looked like a giant in relation to the rest of the tiny house.

"We lost and I don't want to talk about how my team has a bunch of fucking pussies playing on it." Emmett replied curtly.

I nodded and said, "Oookaaay, then subject closed. So Jasper, you look like shit. How do you feel?"

"Like shit. What did you do today?" Jasper asked coolly.

"I went to see about a job. Where's Edward?" I asked, probably a little too eagerly.

"He's probably doing his hair or ironing his underwear or something…that kid loves to iron shit. I swear he would iron the dog if he could." Emmett responded with a very acidic tone. Apparently Emmett was in a very bad mood after losing. "Nice socks, by the way. I should have brought my sunglasses," He added, completely sarcastic.

"Stop hating on my socks." I snapped. Cocking my head to the side, I asked, "You have a dog?"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "No, we don't have a dog… Emmett is just a sarcastic motherfucker. Edward is playing. He gets real intense sometimes and loses track of time. I told him if he wasn't here by a quarter after we were smoking without him."

"He's playing the piano?" I asked.

They both nodded and I said excitedly, "Let's go get him; I want to hear him play."

"Oh hell no. He'd fucking kill us if we gave him an audience without his pre-approval."

"Oh come on, I'll take the blame. Let's go before the rain starts." I said, kneeling to stand. Jasper stood, climbing over Emmett's legs. Emmett grumbled something about not fucking moving and that we should get the fuck back here ASAP.

As Jasper and I took the path toward the Cullen home, he leaned over and said, "Oh by the way, thanks for leaving me in the car last night. I woke up at like three am in Xanax's fucking lap with her hands all knotted up in my hair. How the fuck did that happen?"

"I don't know, Lush. You could barely walk, and you must have been tired and just put your head on her lap and laid your head down. What did you expect her to do with all those silky golden tresses in her lap?" I asked chuckling, as I reached to ruffle his hair. I realized that the gesture was very flirtatious, and it wasn't meant to be anything but friendly.

"Well, she shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation." He raised an eyebrow smugly.

I looked at him incredulously, "Take advantage? Did she molest you or something?"

"Not that I remember, but she was all like, cuddled up with me and shit. I woke her up and told her to go the fuck home." Jasper's sapphire blue eyes twinkled, despite the fact that the whites were muddled with a tinge of bloodshot red – evidence of his partying the previous evening.

"Was she upset?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"I don't know and I don't really care." He spat. I shook my head in frustration for Alice thinking she must be devastated.

"Don't be mean to her Jasper, she's a sweetheart." He rolled his eyes, gently kicking me in the rear in an act of playful mischief, if not mild flirtation.

"She's annoying." He replied. I kicked him back and he jutted his body to the side avoiding my foot.

I said, "I think she likes you." He got me again and I squealed, running behind him as he circled after me laughing.

"Yeah well, I don't like her. She's not my type." He dodged my foot again, countering with another kick from behind.

As I was evading his foot, I twisted and slipped, hitting the grass with a thud. He gave me his hand before he helped me up so I could brush the leaves off my skirt and socks. We giggled as we walked the rest of the distance, toward the side of the house with the long windows that faced east. Our Alice conversation had been closed for the moment, but I was not about to let him get off so easily. I was determined to get them together one way or another.

Suddenly, I could hear the music floating from inside, the beautiful melody tinkling in perfect cadence.

"Is that him?" I asked, surprised. "What song is he playing?" I strained an ear to make out the music that was so lovely and hauntingly familiar.

Jasper looked up, as if searching for the words in his head as he sang a verse of Beyonce's "Halo" out loud.

"Wow, it sounds so different on the piano, so classic." I remarked, remembering the vast difference in the wild rhythmic techno beats of the song when I danced to it just the night before. As Jasper moved to knock on the window to grab Edward's attention inside, I said, "No, wait a sec, I want to hear more."

Through the large window, I observed Edward as he sat at the bench of the shiny black piano, poised and elegant. His expression was one of intense concentration, mixed with serenity, as his gaze fixed on the keys. I marveled at the sharp line of his jaw, clean-shaven and smooth, his lips pressed into a full pout. Every so often, his eyes would flutter shut and his head would sway gently as the melody ebbed and flowed from under his fingers. Edward's dark brown hair was in his usual state of organized chaos, but today he had it sort of pushed waywardly into the center in a trendy faux hawk style.

I watched in awe as his fingers danced over the ivory keys effortlessly, the muscles in his forearms twitching minutely from the movement of his fingers. He wore a forest green t-shirt with some sort of frenzied design printed on the front, with the long sleeves of his layered black shirt underneath pushed up to his elbows. The muddled afternoon light glinted on a sliver bracelet he wore around his left wrist, the thick masculine links adorned by a long flat bar, likely engraved with his name on it.

I was frozen in awe of his music. The passion and the splendor of it made my heart clench as I took in the sight of his masculine beauty. I couldn't help but feel butterflies tangling in my belly at the realization of his perfection. Edward's gaze lifted from the keys momentarily, meeting mine. A smirk played on his lips as I mimicked the expression tenfold. I was giddy at his friendly acknowledgment of my presence through the window. I thought he might be upset, but clearly, he wasn't ruffled by me observing him play.

Lifting my hand to wave, Jasper playfully grabbed my wrist, twisting me into a self defense move before throwing me over his shoulder and spinning me around like a helicopter. I squealed at the sudden movements and the dizziness that flooded my head begging him to put me down. Jasper dumped me to the grass in a heap, sliding down next to me as we laughed, breathless. I smacked his chest as I rolled over, muttering that he was a shit.

Placing my palms into the grass in front of me, I sat up on my knees, straightening my skirt, as Jasper laid back onto the grass. "Sorry, couldn't help it." He chuckled. Glancing up, I caught a glimpse of Edward's denim covered legs a yard or so in front of me, his posture rigid. His arms hung at his sides, his thumbs rubbing circles into the center of his palms. I shielded my eyes from the glare of the bright clouds as I looked up at him.

"Hey, how do you feel?" I asked, a brightness lacing my tone.

He shrugged his shoulders indifferently, before muttering, "I'm okay." Edward let out a breath and said in a clipped tone, "You ready?" His brilliant green eyes narrowed, fixed on Jasper. Jasper propped himself up on his elbows eyeing Edward with an intensity I couldn't quite understand. He wore an amused expression; unmistakably clashing with Edward's annoyed one. I looked back and forth between the two boys as they ostensibly engaged in a silent conversation using only their eyes. The tension was thick and it made me very uncomfortable.

Breaking the strain, I stood, brushing myself off yet again, and said, "Okay, what's with the weirdness between you two?" Edward continued with his defiant stare in Jasper's direction while chewing the side of his cheek.

"No weirdness. Let's just go."

The three of us strode down the path in silence, awkward tension still brewing between the boys. Edward walked behind me, his gaze focused on the ground, as Jasper walked ahead. I turned to slow down, matching my pace with Edward's. "You play beautifully, E."

_I want to suck on your earlobe while you play…_

_or maybe your nipples, but it might be hard for you to reach the keys with my head in the way…_

I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth to shut myself up before I spewed out anything embarrassing.

He looked up sheepishly through his dark lashes, muttering, "Thanks." His demeanor was so different from the happy smile I received through the window. It was obvious that he was upset about something, I just didn't know what.

"You sure you're feeling okay?" I asked.

His hand scrubbed over his eyes, his palm pressing into his forehead. "I'm good, B. Just really hung over. Don't worry." Though I knew he was full of shit, I didn't want to press it any further. It bothered me that he was stressed, or upset or whatever it was that made him make those circles in his palms.

Emmett was thumbing through an old copy of Seventeen, which he tossed into the corner of the room with an angry, "It's about fucking time." I climbed into the tree house last because the skirt I had on was short and I thought it would be inappropriate to give them a free show. When I got in there, Edward looked inexplicably fidgety and nervous. I sat against the wall with my legs folded under me to give him room because the space was really tight with the addition of Emmett's body.

Edward began to roll the joint, perfect as usual, using every last morsel of tangy green herbage in the little bag. He murmured something to Jasper about going on a weed run later before going to Mike 's. Edward lit the joint, taking two long hits before passing it to Emmett . It irked me to no end that he never let me have it first, which I felt was rude.

"Hey, what ever happened to ladies first?" I asked sharply, wiping my lip gloss off with the back of my hand. At least I had the courtesy to do that for him.

Emmett handed the joint to me, graciously forfeiting his turn and I took it, giving Edward a pointed glance. He mumbled, "Sorry," and I immediately felt awful as he looked down, fidgeting with his hands. I let this boy make _me_ feel like shit for something _he_ did…it suddenly occurred to me how dangerous that was. He could easily shatter my heart into a million pieces with one meager glance. I put those thoughts aside, before it made me anxious and sullen, just wanting to enjoy my time in the tree house.

Once the joint made its journey around to the four of us twice, Edward snuffed it out on the wall, and put the leftover roach back in the baggie. The weed hit me like a ton of bricks and I exclaimed, "Whoa, I am stoned." They all laughed in agreement, murmuring how good the weed was.

As was customary, we all sat back quietly enjoying our highs for a few minutes. Edward played with his always fascinating lighter, Emmett leaned his head against the wood with his eyes closed and Jasper made stupid faces at me.

Outside we could hear the rain gradually grow louder, as it pelted the roof above us in waves. A bolt of light shone through the little window followed by an ear shattering crack of thunder. I jumped, with a little squeak, cringing at the sound. "I don't like storms," I replied, as they boys looked at me incredulously. The silence returned, as we all sat listening to the storm brewing outside.

Every time a round thunder hit, I jumped, like a coward. Edward glanced at me occasionally, mouthing once, "You okay?" I simply nodded, embarrassed, but touched that he cared.

"So Bella… you got a job today?" Jasper asked, breaking the silence. Edward turned to look at me briefly and then back to his lighter. The rich green hue of his shirt made his eyes look like the color of beach glass. I also noticed he had really nice sideburns, a small mole on the back of his neck and perfectly curved ear lobes that looked like they wanted to be nibbled.

"Yup, I start next Sunday."

"Where?" Edward asked.

"Ummm…if I tell you, you have to promise not to laugh." I said sheepishly.

Jasper asked, "Are you delivering pizza's or something?"

"No. The tips are waaaay better than that." I chuckled, as three sets of gorgeous eyes stared at me.

"Oh please tell me you're doing strip –o- grams!" Emmett beamed. I rolled my eyes at his suggestion, and he scowled, disappointed and muttering to himself.

"Ewww, no. You know when a kid has a birthday party and the theme is like, Sesame Street or something and the parents hire a person to get in the Big Bird costume and dance around?" I paused, pointing my thumbs inward, winking one eye. "That's me."

"You're gonna be Big Bird?" Emmett asked incredulously, his voice almost a screech. "But you're so damn short. It'd be like…Small Bird."

"So do the parents get half off?" Edward asked quietly. I looked at him and laughed out loud because I had never heard him make a joke before. He smirked at me briefly, before turning his attention back to his lighter. I had the sudden urge to grab his smirk in my fingers and kiss his face hard, completely having forgiven him for not giving me first dibs on the weed.

"Are you always Big Bird?" Jasper asked, lids hooded and almost slurring his words.

"No, it's all sorts of characters, but mostly like the Disney princesses and stuff."

"Like Tinkerbell?" Emmett asked. "You'd be Tinker_bella_." He laughed heartily at his joke, but no one else joined him but me.

"Yeah, I guess I would be." I chuckled, shrugging my shoulders. "Sometimes it's Sesame Street , sometimes it's superheroes. Whatever they want. There's another girl and a guy who work there too so I assume I won't have to be Superman."

"Yeah, Superman should never ever have boobs." Emmett remarked seriously, blatantly staring at my chest.

"Hey Em, you remember when Superman came to your birthday party in third grade?" Jasper asked, laughing. Edward let out a sudden chuckle. "He was the skinniest Superman ever and Emmett was so pissed he wouldn't come out of his room for cake."

Emmett groaned, "That stupid guy sucked. I waited all year for him to come over so I could help him save the world and he was a complete sham."

Edward paused his lighter turns adding, "Yeah… Emmett comes running out of his room and yells, 'That S on your chest is for Scrawny Suckhead, not Superman.' The guy was so upset, he almost cried." We all laughed, watching Emmett as he defended his actions.

"Hey, I am a purist. Don't do something half assed if you don't want to get called out on it. Leap tall buildings in a single bound, my ass." Emmett retorted, chuckling.

Jasper said as he looked toward me, "Emmett wore a shiny red cape for five fucking years. He would run around in his Tighty Whities and he'd only answer to the names Superman or Clark Kent...even at school." I laughed, picturing Emmett in nothing but a cape and underwear.

_Rosalie must know about this._

"Yeah, well what about you, Dick?" He glared at Jasper with a snicker. "You went to sleep with your fucking Wellie rain boots on and that stupid yellow raincoat every night pretending you were a fireman." Edward and Emmett roared with laughter as I covered my mouth giggling.

Edward turned to me adding, "He would wait on the front steps and every time the mailman came, he'd shoot him with the garden hose and tell him to 'stop, drop, and roll.' The poor guy got fucking soaked every day, but he still came with the mail. I bet that guy pisses his pants every time he hears a sprinkler go off. Mom and dad finally put a stop to it when everyone in the neighborhood was threatening to start a petition against Jasper because they were sick of wet mail."

We were all laughing so hard by now, the giggles were uncontrollable. I had to wipe the tears away from my eyes.

"What about you?" I asked Edward through giggles. "What did you want to be?"

Jasper interrupted, "Little Eddie here was torn between being a ball player or a doctor, he couldn't decide. He'd wake up and we never knew if we were going to be forced onto the coffee table for an exam or dragged outside to play catch." Edward just smiled and shrugged his shoulders, looking like that sweet innocent little boy again.

"He would take the stitching out of all of our baseballs and re-sew it saying he was 'suturing the ball's lacerations'. He was actually pretty good at it, too."

"Edward would…" Jasper was laughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath, "Edward would fucking throw his little lab coat on over his uniform at Little League games and run out of the dugout when a player got injured, yelling, 'Move aside, I'm a doctor!'"

"Kid thought he was Doogie Houser or some shit." Emmett chuckled.

Edward's shoulders vibrated with silent laughter as he his shook head. "Aww that's so cute." I remarked, still giggling.

"I was ambitious, what can I say?" he replied still laughing. His smile and his laugh and the way he interacted so naturally with his brothers made something inside me tingle and ache simultaneously. I took a deep breath, wiped more tears from my eyes and realized that I really, really liked Edward Cullen for more than just his ridiculous good looks.

_I think I may have just officially fallen for Edward…_

_My E…_

"Edward rocked at 'Operation' and he always had his nose in one of dad's medical textbooks. You remember when you were convinced you had dysentery?" he said to Edward who chuckled at the memory. "Turns out he ate an entire jar of pickles and was crapping for like two days straight."

"Okay, thanks for that memory, douche." Edward scolded. Then the three of them looked at me expectantly.

"What?" I asked.

"What about you?" Edward asked. "You do anything like that when you were little…besides play with Barbie dolls?"

I laughed, thinking about being little. "Well, Me, Rosalie, Alice, Jessica and Lauren had a punk band when we were ten. We sucked, but we thought we were so good. We would rock out in the garage with our costumes on. It was pretty cool." I said. "I was really into being a princess for like, years. I was into fairy tales and princes on white horses and all that happliy ever after bullshit. I wore my tiara to bed. And I had a wand…" Suddenly I remembered the goodie bags stashed in my purse. "Ooh! I brought treats!"

The boys eyes lit up excitedly as I dug in my purse for the plastic bags. There were two bags, both filled with candy, glittery rings, stickers and fairy wands. I pulled out a snack size bag of Skittles that Emmett motioned for me to toss to him. "Blow Pop?' I asked, holding up the lollipop.

Jasper snatched it right out of my hands and Edward, sneered, "She said Blow Pop, not Blow _job_, Jesus." Jasper gave him the finger. I handed Emmett the sheet of shiny Tinkerbell stickers, which he proceeded to place all over Jasper's jeans. I held the bag out to Edward and he peered over to look inside.

"Do you have any chocolate?" he asked softly. I withdrew a little bag of M&M's, shaking it in my fingers as he smiled and took it from me.

Emmett narrowed his eyes at Edward asking, "Since when do you like chocolate?"

"Since right now…what do you give a shit?" Edward snapped back.

I opened the other bag of M& M's, spilling them into my hand. We ate our treats in relative silence, and every so often we'd hear a yummy sound followed by a snicker come from someone. The wand was still in the bag, so I pulled it out, twirling the glittery plastic star in my fingertips.

I noticed the thunder and lightening ceased, as well as the heavy rain. Pulling out my phone, it read 6:17, and I knew I wanted to eat and shower and sober up before I headed to pick up Alice and head to Rosalie's house for the evening. "I'm gonna get going, guys."

"What are you doing tonight?" Edward asked, popping a red M&M into his mouth.

"Just going to Rosalie's for some girlie time. You know, naked pillow fights and hair braiding." I rolled my eyes, with a laugh. "What about you guys?"

"We're heading to Mike's to watch the fight." Jasper replied.

"Okay, well, have fun. Oh, before I go," I said as I stood, my 5'2" frame barely touching the ceiling of the tree house, "As the princess of this castle, I grant you each one wish. Sir Emmett, so strong and brave I grant you one wish." I popped Emmett on the head with the sharp spike of the star which elicited an, "Ouch," from him. I did not apologize.

"Ummm, okay…I wish…"

I hit him in the head again and said forcefully, "Keep it silent or it won't come true. And close your eyes or the opposite of the wish will happen." Edward quirked a skeptical eyebrow at me to which I responded, "Castle rules." Emmett obediently squeezed his eyes shut and wished.

I did the same to Jasper, only a little harder, "Sir Jasper so flirtatious and funny."

He said, "Shit, owww." He closed his eyes and wished as well while rubbing the spot that I spiked him on.

I turned to Edward, "Sir E so handsome and mysterious." He cowered in the corner in mock fear holding his hands protectively over his head. Finding an open spot, I pegged him in the head too, only softer. He rolled his eyes and I commanded, "Do it! Make a wish!" He made his wish with a smile on his face, shaking his head.

"Bye Guys."

"Later Tinkerbella," Emmett said.

Edward called, "Bye Princess B." as I opened the door and climbed down the ladder toward the ground.

As I walked away down the path, I heard Jasper say, "Shit, she's one mean princess."

"I heard that…and I know you all wished for blow jobs tonight and none of you are getting any!" I called out.

With my sparkly star shaped wand in hand, I laughed to myself, as I skipped home.

**~%~**

**A/N: So Jacob will not be a major player in this fic. He's just there to enhance the storyline a bit. You guys keep asking me what Bella and Edward's past deal is. You all want to know WHY he cant touch her. I'm not gonna tell you *sticks out tongue* It will be revealed shortly, just be patient.**

**Also, I am not one of those sweet authors who relies to each and every review. I read each and every one, and I truly treasure them all, particularly the ones that tell me how great I am, and how smart I am, and how they wish they were just like me…ok, not really. But seriously, if you ask a question or have a concern I will answer in a reply. But I just don't have to opportunity to reply to you all. So thank you in advance and I am glad you are enjoying this.**

**Leave me some sugar. **

**Xoxoxo**

**Steph**


	7. Chapter 7 Hopes & Wishes

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 7~ Hopes & Wishes**

**My wish for you,**

**is that this life becomes all that you want it to,****  
****your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,****  
****You never need to carry more than you can hold,****  
****and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,****  
****I hope you know somebody loves you,**

**and wants the same things too,****  
****Yeah, this, is my wish.**

**My Wish~ Rascal Flats**

**~ Edward ~**

"Yo E, how long till you're done?" Emmett yelled, pointing to his wrist. I ripped the buds out of my ears as I jogged on the treadmill, sweating and breathing hard.

"Five minutes, why?" I asked breathlessly; my face red and painted with sweat. Emmett tossed me the towel I had set on the weight bench. I caught it, wiping my face and neck as I ran.

He yelled, "I need a hand!" I nodded in acknowledgement, throwing the wet towel back to him. He caught it, shoved it in his pants while gratuitously rubbing it all over his balls before holding it up to display.

_What a dick._

_Well, that one will need to get burned._

As I slowed the speed down a level, I watched him stretch his arms against the universal weight machine we had installed in the basement gym. He was shirtless, his muscles thick and roping into deep cuts into his biceps, shoulders and chest.

Emmett had a body that most guys would kill for or do serious steroids to acquire. He worked out six days a week, with the enthusiasm of an Olympic athlete. Playing quarterback required that he maintain a certain level of strength and endurance, and Emmett was committed to achieving it. It would almost be inspiring, if I didn't know that the main reason he did it was because he was a completely vain motherfucker`.

This, I should add, was exactly the same reason it was important to me. Not that anyone of the opposite sex ever saw my body unclothed, but I knew they eventually would. Maybe it would even be Bella. _Maybe._

Emmett had vehemently encouraged my continuation of an exercise regimen when we moved to Forks. Since I had quit playing ball, I kept up my workout schedule partly because of his incessant need for a spotter as well as my innate competitive nature. The Type A in me couldn't stand the thought of being considered Emmett Cullen's scrawny baby brother.

I worked hard at maintaining my physique, and thanks to my mother's desire to keep us malnourished, I ate right as well. Plus, I figured that exercising counteracted the damage I did to my body with the pot smoking and the weekend binge drinking. Oh, and working out meant time spent with Emmett which I am not too ashamed to admit I enjoyed.

_Yeah, so I like hanging with my brother…and I am a fucking pussy._

_Deal with it._

I took the machine down to a slow jog before it tapered off to a complete stop. With my hands pressed to my knees, panting like a motherfucker, I watched the beads of sweat drip off my face, splashing onto the rubber treads beneath my feet. I needed my fucking towel, so I snatched his off the handle bar of the Elliptical thanking God he hadn't rubbed it against his sweaty sac yet.

My thoughts immediately shifted to our poor house keeper. I wonder if she knew what she was getting herself into working in a house full of horny teenage boys. I prayed to all things holy she wore gloves when she washed the towels, and then I thought that I might mention to my parents about giving her a raise.

Emmett sat on the rubber mat beneath him as I knelt, holding his feet down. His torso lifted from the mat with a grunt, the tight muscles in his abs contracting as he crunched forward.

"So, uh…what's up with you and Rosalie?" I asked hesitantly. Aside from apprehensively loaning out his extensive porn collection, Emmett did not discuss girls, relationships, or sex. Not with me at least.

He laughed, never wavering from his sit ups. "I was wondering which one of you nosy fuckers was gonna ask me about her first."

Shrugging my shoulders, I added, "Well, it's not like you've been hiding it."

"Yeah, well I'm not sure I want it made public either."

"What does that mean?" I pressed down on his feet harder as they began to edge forward.

He sighed. "I don't know, man," he responded, changing his angle as he twisted to work his obliques. "I mean, you've seen her, she's fucking smoking hot but…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "I'm not exactly comfortable talking to you about this shit. No offense, bro."

"Why the hell not?" I growled, completely irritated.

"Cause, you can't…I feel like I'm rubbing it in your face, you know? I know Jasper doesn't give a crap about how you feel, but I don't want to say anything that's going to make you feel like shit."

"Thanks bro, I appreciate that. I can handle it, trust me. Talk…"

He paused, flopping his back to the mat as he scrubbed his hands over his eyes. "Well, I like her…a lot. She's fun and smart, and you would think she was all high maintenance but she's really down to earth, barring the superficial. She's so fucking…fuckable. But that's the problem."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I don't follow. It's a problem because she's hot?"

"Uh, yeah. Rose attracts stares even when she's in sweats looking like she just rolled out of bed. I don't think I can handle having a girl that everyone jerks off to, you know?"

"Dude, that's just stupid. Sorry… but it is. If you are attracted to her what makes you think that no one else will be. If that's a problem, then you are going to be stuck with a chick that is homely looking, and even you won't want to fuck her without putting a pillow case over her head," I snickered.

He sat up shrugging his shoulders, as he rested his forearms on his upwardly bend knees." I don't like people looking at my girl's tits, okay. I don't like them talking about her tits either. That's the other thing…the _big_ thing."

I looked at him expectantly. He sighed again, his hands running agitatedly through his hair. "Rose has…been around. She fucked Marcus Embry last year and he came into the locker room giving fucking details about her body and what her moans sounded like and shit. I don't want everyone to know what my girl sounded like when she was fucking someone else. It's just wrong." He looked down, chewing the inside of his cheek. "And the worst part is, that I want her so fucking bad I can taste her…but I know I'm gonna be a possessive motherfucker around her, and she's… Rosalie Hale. She doesn't stand for that shit. I don't know if it's worth the hassle and headache that accompanies having her as my girlfriend."

"Fuck, Em...I wish I had your problems." I laughed, wanting to smack him in his fucking head for being such a douche, though I knew exactly how he felt about not wanting anyone ogling Rosalie's tits. In my case it was Bella's ass. "You like her? Then suck it up and don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says or has heard. When did you start worrying over what people think of you? If she's your girl then you walk beside her proudly, tits and all, and tell everyone to fuck off. Give her something new to moan about. Because seriously, if I had a girl like that who liked me, and I could show the whole goddamn world, nothing would stop me."

He nodded, absently. "Yeah, I know…you're probably right. I just…can't stop thinking about her, you know? I whack off to her image so much my palms are softer than a baby's ass," he laughed.

"Yeah, I hear that," I mumbled. I pressed my hands into his sneakers again, motioning for him to resume sit-ups.

His body fell to the floor and rose again where he paused at the top. "So uh…what are you going to do about TinkerBell?"

"Huh?" I asked absently, as he had caught me off guard.

He chuckled, "Bella. You can't keep your eyes off that girl. For good reason, though…she's fucking beautiful." I shook my head in denial, but he rolled his eyes. "E, don't give me that shit. You like her, I know you do. Your eyes fucking lit up when she called you handsome."

Sighing, I rubbed the bridge of my nose in resignation. "Six days, Em. She's been here six fucking days and I've seen her five of those days. She's in five of my goddamn classes. She lives a hundred feet away from us. I watch her every…_day."_ I cringed, almost having said _night._ "I want to be with her more than I've ever wanted a girl in my whole life, but…" I held up my hands in defeat. "I'm fucked."

"You think she knows you like her?" he asked.

"I've given her no reason to think so. I've actually been outwardly trying to be a dick to her, so that she'll stay away from me, but it's not fucking working. I can't be a dick to her."

"Yeah she's a sweetheart. Bro, let me ask you something…" He cocked his head to the side. "What are you going to do if Jasper hooks up with her?"

Those disgusting words alone made my fucking heart lurch out of my chest as I recalled seeing her cute little body splayed out next to him on the grass outside the window. Jasper fucking picked her up and was like, wrestling with her or some shit. I went from being elated at the sight of her face through the window to fucking fuming in the time it took to walk from the piano bench to the yard.

Yeah, I'd fucked up things with him and Emily, it wasn't a secret. Jasper was my brother and my best friend. He deserved a good girl, and I most certainly owed him one. _But not Bella…not her._

It would kill me to watch them together. There were a hundred other girls he could have easily, why did he want the one that I wanted? If I had to watch her with anyone, I should want it to be my own brother, right?

_Wrong._

Not having sufficient words to explain how I truly felt, I simply shrugged my shoulders. "Honestly, it makes me fucking sick to think about it. But what can I do? It's not like I can be her boyfriend or anything, right? I mean, what am I expecting her to do… be satisfied with nothing but adoring glances from across a room for the next two fucking years?"

"Fuck. I don't know, Edward . I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that shit you went through…are still going through." He shook his head as his blue eyes met mine, filled with a hint of compassion and remorse. "I never told you how fucking horrible it was to watch you just…detach. I wish I could help you fix this. I wish I was there to stop it before it happened. I should have fucking been there…"

"Thanks, Em. There wasn't anything you could do and you know it. I just have to deal with the repercussions of this until it's over. I don't really want to talk about it anymore though, okay?" I looked at him intently and he nodded. "Anyway, I think you should suck it up and be with Rosalie. It's hard to find a good girl, especially in Forks. If you don't do it for yourself, then do it for me, so I live vicariously through hearing her moan for you." I animatedly thrust my hips forward pretending to smack an invisible ass. He punched my playfully in the shoulder, and we finished our workout while bullshitting about nothing.

As we were heading upstairs, he paused and said, "Hey, Edward. You know…you could always just fuck her and not get caught."

_You see Em, there is where the problem lies...I just don't __want__ to "fuck" her. _

**~%~**

Mom called us to dinner and I peeked outside before sitting down to the kitchen table. Bella's car had been gone for most of the afternoon and well into the evening. She had gone to Rosalie's last night, coming home late in the afternoon and then she was gone again.

After we watched the fight at Mike's last night, Emmett had asked me to swing by there on our way back so he could see Rose for a sec. He chickened out at the last minute though, as we idled out front of her house. It reminded me of that stupid movie Grease. Finally, he just asked me to drive home. I was infinitely disappointed, because I'd really, really wanted to see Bella in her pajamas.

_Yeah, like I needed another deposit into the "things Bella wears" file to jack off to. _

Had I known that tonight's dinner conversation was going to take a severe downward spiral, I would have never even sat down.

About half way through eating, as mom passed Emmett the bowl of organic mashed potatoes which tasted closely like Elmer's glue, she asked him what his plans for the homecoming dance were. He shrugged his shoulders, giving me a pensive glance before he responded, "I don't know. I'm not sure if I even want to go."

Mom gasped, as if he had said he was giving his firstborn child to a band of Gypsies, and replied, "You have to go Emmett! You are the quarterback of the football team and you are nominated for Homecoming King. How could you not go?"

He shrugged replying, "The girl I want to take may not be available." It was a lie, but sometimes white lies were easier than dealing with Esmom's persistent questions.

"I'm thinking of asking Bella." Jasper said garbled, his mouth full of organic free-range chicken.

_No fucking way._

The words hit me like a slap in the face and I sighed, staring down at my plate while I mashed the food around with my fork. A lump formed in my throat, thick and constricting as I reigned in the loss of control that was threatening to slip.

I could feel Emmett's gaze planted on me as well as my mother's. Jasper continued to chew, paying no attention to anyone but himself.

"So you like her?" Dad asked, innocently, unaware of my affections toward Bella.

"Yeah, sort of I guess. It's not as if I'm thinking about her every ten seconds or anything, but yeah, I think she's cool. And hot." He chuckled.

"How do you know someone else hasn't asked her yet?" Emmett hedged.

"Who's gonna jump that fast? She's been here for what, three days?" Jasper replied confidently.

"Six," I muttered, almost inaudibly, scraping my fork on the china.

"What makes you think she'll even say yes?" Emmett asked.

Jasper laughed, an air of cockiness about him. "Oh, she'll say yes. I was kind of flirting with her yesterday…you know feeling her out and, and I think she likes me. She's gonna look great in heels and a dress, don't you think?" He leaned over and whispered, "And I'm gonna smack that fine ass." I stiffened in my seat, stabbing the meat violently with my fork.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

Then like a total asshole, he added, "Dad, can I use the Porsche that night?"

"I'll think about it, Jasper. What about Edward?" Dad asked, as if I were the socially retarded younger brother who couldn't make any friends on his own.

_Has it resorted to this…talking about me like I'm not even in the room? _

"I'm right here, Dad…sitting at the table and to answer your question, I'm not going. Don't worry about me," I snapped.

"Mom, should I wear a suit to this thing or is it just like a button down and nice pants?" Jasper asked enthusiastically, completely self absorbed.

She muttered, "Probably not a suit."

"Hey Edward, can I borrow your black Armani pants with the suspenders?" I stared at him as if he had three fucking dicks, the weight on my chest causing my breathing and heart rate to accelerate.

_Sure Jasper, take my girl to the dance, and wear my fucking pants…take my balls, my pride and all of my hopes and dreams while you're at it._

"Yeah, Jazz, take whatever you want. Take everything I have. It's not like I need it." I seethed, pushing my chair away from the table. Everyone looked up at the abrupt movement that accompanied the noise, and I asked, "May I please be excused?"

Dad went to say something, but Mom just put her hand over his and nodded. I tossed my dish onto the counter, and flew up the back stairs to my room where I paced. My thumbs ran in angry rings in my palms as I made a semi circle around the bed, back and forth trying to calm down. Finally, I grabbed a cigarette from the desk drawer, opened the doors to my balcony and slumped on the cushy chair, my elbows propped on my knees. It was too early for her to be changing, so I didn't even bother looking in the direction of her bedroom window.

I lit the cigarette, the calming effects coursing through my veins immediately. How the fuck was I supposed to deal with this? I couldn't even handle the thought of him _asking_ her to go to a stupid high school dance, never mind the notion of her actually accompanying him there. My knee shook nervously as I ignored the fine curtain of mist that had begun to fall. It made me sick, because he wasn't even aware of how many times he had actually hung out with the girl, and here I was counting the days since she'd been here…and the minutes until I would see her again.

When I heard the door to my bedroom open, I made no attempt to see who it was coming to console poor lonely Edward. However, when my mother sat down across from me briefly, before standing again to open the umbrella attached to the table, I was relieved. I did not want to face Jasper right now.

She knew I smoked, but she had never actually seen me do it before. Her mouth was turned into a frown, as she fanned away the gray smoke puffs from her face.

"Ma, if you're gonna complain about the smell then please go back inside. I need to just…"

"I know, Sweetie. I'm not complaining. Are you alright?" She placed a hand on my knee affectionately.

"No. I'm not. I know I have no right to feel possessive about her, but Jasper fucking… he has no respect for girls. He talks about them like they are objects to just look at. And he doesn't know Bella at all. All he knows is that she's pretty. But mom, she's beautiful, not pretty. And he won't protect her, and he…he just sees her as just another hot girl. He has no concept of how smart and funny and sweet she is. God…I know he misses Emily, but she is not going to be another Emily for him. She's not, Mom."

I absolutely hated that I was on the verge of tears. No one saw me cry but my mother, because Emmett and Jasper already called me a "mama's boy" enough. It was just that I was so conflicted and angry over the thought of my girl belonging to someone else, particularly a douche like Jasper.

Inwardly, I scoffed at the idea that maybe I should stop jerking off to her visions of her being loving and affectionate with me because I think it was seriously fucking with my head.

_She is NOT your girl._

This was probably something my shrink could offer a great deal of guidance with but dare I even mention this to her?

Possessive about a girl I've known 6 days? Doing drugs and drinking with her on the weekend? Watching her undress and then masturbating to her image nightly?

_Yeah sure, Dr. Kate . I'm not a creepy stalker. No no, Dr. Kate , you don't need to call the authorities…_

"I know, Edward, I know. I've seen her pictures at Charlie's. She is a beautiful girl. But you don't know that she will even accept his invitation, right? Maybe she won't want to go with him. You can ask her too you know."

I snorted, shaking my head at my mother's ridiculous suggestion. "Yeah, okay. 'Hey B, you wanna go to Homecoming with me. I can't dance with you, or hold your hand, but I can get you a glass of punch and sit on the bleachers three feet away from you.' No thanks, Mom. I'd rather stay home."

The look she gave me then was one of sheer and utter pity. She sighed, cupping her hand on my knee. "Edward please don't make me say this to you." She looked out into the distance, her hazel eyes reflecting the dark images of the pine trees. "You know I love your brothers with all of my heart and soul. But you…_you_ are _my_ son. I will always know what's going on with you. It's what moms do. I know how much Bella means to you, but its only been 6 days, baby. Please, please don't get yourself into something that you cant handle. I have to warn you…that you may not like the results if she does agree to go with Jazz to the dance. I understand you wanting to protect her. It's in your nature, but… "

I looked at her with a scowl, and anger boiling in my chest. "No Mom, I don't think you do understand. Bella consumes my every thought. I see her when I close my eyes every fucking night, Mom… she's there, right fucking there. And she's so close that I can almost feel her. Bella has the most beautiful brown eyes that I have even seen. I could just sit and look into them for hours because… it's like I can see all of her secrets and hopes and wishes reflected in them when she looks at me."

I sighed, taking another drag of my forgotten cigarette, as I angrily wiped a tear away. "You know what she told me yesterday Mom? She was being silly pretending she was a princess, and she had this wand, you know? So she made us all make a wish and then… she told me I was handsome. Handsome…_me_…not Jazz…not Em…_me._

My mother chuckled softly, running her thumb over my cheekbone to wipe away another fallen tear. "Well baby, have you looked at your self lately? You are gorgeous."

I snorted, rolling my eyes. "You have to say that… you're my mom."

"No, you don't realize the stares you get when you walk into a room. The compliments I get about you looking like a model. Sometimes it's ridiculous!" she giggled, affectionately cupping my chin in her hand. Embarrassed at her words, I couldn't bear to look at her, which is why I didn't see the tear coming down on her cheek.

"It just meant so much coming from her. I mean, she called Jazz a flirt and Emmett brave…but she called me handsome and mysterious. I don't want to be a mystery to her, Mom. I want to be her knight in shining armor…or whatever."

"For your princess." Mom whispered softly, her expression troubled. As she wiped away her own tears, I felt terrible for having burdened her with this. She should be happy, not crying for me over something no one could control. But I needed to purge, get it all out before I drove myself into a full blown panic attack, and she was the only one I could confide in.

"Exactly. I want to be the one she runs to when she's afraid. I want to be the one she comes to when she is happy. Mom, I want to make her happy. I want to make her smile and laugh and I want to be the one to tap her head with a fucking wand and make her wishes come true. That's my job Mom...not Jasper's because he'll use her, just like she was a replacement player. He wants Emily, but Bella is not Emily. He won't treat her right, and then he'll realize that she's not what he wants. And then he'll ruin it for me and he'll ruin _her_, Mom. After he's done with her, she won't want to even talk to me anymore. I'll never even get the chance to hold her hand."

Her face was so downtrodden and full of pity at my rambling, I was almost ashamed. But Esmom listened like no other, and she let me be who I was without feeling embarrassed. "I know, Mom. I am a big pussy." She laughed, holding her cheek in her hand as she propped her elbow on her knee.

She slapped my thigh playfully. "Knock it off. You aren't a big pussy. You're emotional, and sweet, and you are hurting and baby, I wish I could take all that away. I wish I could make this all better for you. It is killing me to see you so frustrated like this." She shook her head, and I took another drag, blowing the smoke away from her.

"Mom, she's happy all the time. But there's something in her eyes that …I don't know…just looks a little sad. I don't know exactly why she moved here. I mean, she was really vague when she told us and I have heard a few things. I am pretty sure she left California because of a guy. I try to not to listen or put much weight into it because…if you didn't know already, most of the Forks high school thinks I'm gay." We both laughed, but my mother put her hand over her mouth to stifle it. "So, as a practice, I try not to listen to rumors. But something happened to her at her last school and it hurt her. I don't want to add to her heartache, I want to make it better for her. I want to be the one that takes the sad out of her eyes. Jazz will move himself in to her broken heart and he'll live there and take from her until she has nothing left to give. I wont let him do that to her. I just can't."

Her hand lovingly caressed the back of my neck, and it felt so good, I could only imagine what Bella's little hand would feel like there. "Baby, I had no idea you felt so strongly about your brother's extra curricular activities. You are really angry with him aren't you?"

"I just don't like the way he treats girls. He leads them on and then they cry. I've seen so many girls in tears over him. And as it stands right now, honestly, I don't give a shit about who he fucks, Mom...as long as it isn't Bella."

"Edward. You do realize that this has the potential to start a war with your brother. And I am afraid that because of your circumstances, it is a battle you may not win. Ask yourself if it is worth it to lose the friendship you have with Jasper over a girl you've only known a few days, regardless of the intensity you feel for her. You have to spend the rest of your life with Jasper, but Bella, you may not even care about next week. Ask yourself if it is worth the fight?"

"Bella is worth it, Mom, trust me. Even if I can't win, I'm not going down without trying. You know what they say, right? All's fair in love and war," I sneered.

"Edward, war is dangerous and love is painful. Especially first love. It's confusing and terrifying and magical all at the same time, but I think you'll figure it all out in time. Just remember you are loved, no matter what you do, or what decisions you make. Your dad and your brothers and I are always here. And we will always love you."

As she took the dwindling cigarette from me, I grimaced thinking she was going to put it out, only she took a drag instead. I looked at her with incredulity, thinking that my mother just got a tiny bit cooler in my eyes. Noticing my expression, she laughed, "You know, Edward I wasn't always your mother. I was once a 16 year old girl too. And not only was I cool, but I was very, very pretty." She exhaled the smoke, her lips pursed.

"You're still pretty, Mom."

She smiled, batting her lashes bashfully before rolling her eyes. "Just so you know…if I were her, I would be dreaming about you too." She put the cigarette out on the deck, kissed my forehead and whispered, "I love you." I whispered it back, thanking her for listening.

At the door, she turned asking, "Edward, you said Bella made you make a wish? May I ask what you wished for?"

I leaned back on the chair, exhausted. "I wished for a fucking miracle."

**~%~**

I stood in my closet staring down at the black shoebox on the lowest shelf on the shoe section. I chewed on my finger for a while before I finally knelt down, sliding the box out with trepidation. It was stupid, really. But at the same time it terrified the fuck out of me because I wondered if it was normal to do such a thing. I wondered if other guys did this. And then I wondered if other guys wondered if it was weird.

I lifted the lid, smirking at the contents, before I traced the sparkly plastic star with my index finger. The little empty snack size bag of M&M's unassumingly arranged next to it. I picked it up, lifting it to my nose and taking a whiff of the chocolate that once lived there. The scent wasn't completely Bella, but it was some of her. I was certain that it was her shampoo or whatever product she used in her hair that smelled like cocoa. I'd never really cared for chocolate before, and I was a little pissed that Emmett questioned it in front of her, but thankfully, she didn't catch on. I slid the box back into its spot before grabbing my pajama pants.

After the talk with Emmett, our enlightening dinner conversation and then the heart to heart with Esmom, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep on my couch listening to classical music on my iPod. I woke with a start, well after midnight, saddened and disappointed that I had missed Bella in her window. However, I missed her sweet face and decided to fantasize about her regardless of her absence from my nightly pornographic yet highly satisfying viewing.

The towels set in their appropriate places, I lubed up my palm with warming lotion, throwing my forearm over my eyes as usual. I envisioned her wearing a red lace bra as she pulled up in a driveway in a black Ferrari convertible. The sun was shining, and there were clear blue ocean waves crashing under the cliff behind us in foamy white ripples. I slid my hand down my cock slowly, twisting slightly as I neared the base. She smiled at me, emerging from the car in red boots- her red come fuck me boots with the stiletto heels. Her little red flared skirt was so obscenely short; I could see her perfect ass cheeks peeking out from the hemline.

I stroked again, gripping myself tighter in my hand, suppressing a groan as she bent over showing me her red lace thong. I whispered, "Oh fuck," as my real cock and the one in my fantasy grew impossibly larger. She stood, leaning against the car with a sexy come-hither look on her face. I stroked again, coming toward the head and rounding over the slick, swollen top with my thumb.

"Hey E," she said breathily, cocking her head to the side. "Wanna touch me?" Her hand skimmed over her breasts at the same time I tugged harder on my cock, pulling my fingers into a tight vice grip around my girth while increasing the speed.

"Hell yes, Beautiful." I hissed, pressing myself into her hips. I stroked harder and faster, a light sheen of sweat forming over my top lip. She hoisted her ass onto the hood of the car, spreading her legs wide open. Her pussy was glistening and bare, as she moved aside her panties to show me her treasure. I couldn't get my fantasy self's cock out of my pants quick enough to even touch the girl before I came all over my stomach, neatly contained by the towel I had laid there.

_Fuck I can't even touch the girl in my fantasies, goddamn it._

_What the hell are you going to do when you actually can touch her? You'll jizz in your pants before you even kiss her._

_Better hope she's wearing granny panties or some shit._

I cleaned up quickly thinking that I was going to have to up the frequency of my jerking schedule if I intended to not spunk all over myself on my first date with Bella in two years.

_Like there's ever gonna be one._

**~%~**

On Monday morning, English was cancelled because of some ridiculous anti drug assembly. Bella sat three rows in front of me, about seventeen seats over to the right. Okay, exactly seventeen seats- I had sort of counted. When the guest speaker mentioned how marijuana was a gateway drug and how it impaired judgment, memory and a slew of other things, Bella turned, met my gaze and smirked the most beautiful little derelict smile I had ever seen.

In a quiet act of rebellion, she pointed to the pretend watch on her wrist and mouthed "three o'clock?" before putting her fingers to her lips as she pretended to smoke a doobie. I chuckled, earning an annoyed stare from the girl in front of me, and responded by winking. I fucking winked, and I never do that.

It was at that moment, when she smiled back at me, wholeheartedly and genuine, that I knew I absolutely couldn't allow Jasper to ask her to the dance. Or get anywhere near her. Ever.

Because even if she wasn't truly mine, I couldn't let just anyone have her.

The girls at Bella's lunch table all looked as if their cats had contracted terminal illnesses or something equally as depressing, so Jasper avoided Bella. As we were leaving the cafeteria, he told me had planned to ask her to the dance after school. I had to intercept his efforts somehow. I had no actual plan, but I was determined to do this, without having myself look like a cockblocking asshole. After all, I wasn't exactly going to ask her to the dance myself.

In Bio, Mr. Banner had us busy with heavy note taking all period, so the opportunity to mention it there was lost, but I had one period left to concoct a plan. However, by seventh period said plan did not manifest itself, and I sat at our study hall table resigned and prepared to fight to the death…or something like that.

Bella plopped her belongings down on the table, sitting across from me as she read the text message on her pink phone with a scowl on her face. She clicked her tongue in disgust, or annoyance, I couldn't tell right off, and typed a message before tossing the phone into her pink bag with a huff.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes with a groan, as she tucked a lock of auburn hair behind her ear. "Your brother is the matter..."

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Jasper? Why what did he do?" My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. Did he ask her? Why was she pissed?

"No it's Emmett… he's an idiot," she clarified. "Rosalie has been on edge waiting for him to ask her to Homecoming this Saturday, but apparently it seems as if he isn't going to. I mean, she already bought a dress and accessories, and if he doesn't ask her... she's going to be so heartbroken."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What makes her so sure he was going to ask her?"

"Um, well she would generally assume that if a boy was secretly sneaking out at night to make out with and accept fellatio from her, then he would reciprocate by asking her to a stupid dance. It seems that Emmett doesn't see things the same way Rose does." I nodded, not having realized that Emmett had omitted details in our conversation. "Fellatio is a blowjob, by the way," she added, leaning over the side of the table as she checked out my shoes.

_Was she looking at my shoes?_

"I am aware, thank you," I scoffed, scowling at her patronization. "Are you going?" I asked, taking in a long breath while internally kicking myself for asking a question that I did not want to know the answer to. If Jasper hadn't gotten to her, then I am sure someone else would have by now.

"Um no. I don't really 'do' dances" she said, shaking her head. "Bad memories, and stuff."

"Oh," I replied, giddy and practically shaking with fucking glee and shit. "Deadbeat ex- boyfriend?"

She chuckled, mumbling, "Something like that." She bit the side of her cheek for a second before she added, "I'm going to the game with the girls and I know there's a party afterwards, so I'll probably go to that. How about you…are you going?"

"No. Well not to the dance, but definitely to the game and the party," I said.

_We should go together. I'll drive. I'll even pick you up. We can pretend it's a real date and that I am not a complete fucking moron._

"Is Jasper going to the dance?" she asked grimacing, and my heart sank again.

_Fuck. Why did she care if he was going?_

"Uh, I'm not sure. He mentioned something about it, but…" I trailed off, at a complete loss for words. I'd rather omit than outright lie to her.

_Do it Cullen. Just find out._

I released a long breath before I asked, "Why do you ask?"

"No reason, really. Alice was hoping…" she shook her head, biting the inside of her mouth again.

_Oh thank you God. I owe you one, Big Guy._

_Maybe that's your miracle?_

With a tremendous surge of relief, I asked, "Alice was hoping Jasper would ask her? She shouldn't hold her breath on that one."

Bella's expression was genuinely disappointed, and it sort of touched me how sweet it was for her to be so bothered by her friend's plight. "Yeah, huh? I figured as much," she said, blowing her bangs away from her eyes.

"Sorry B. Alice is just not his type."

Bella cocked her head to the side asking, "Yeah I know, he said that too. Well what is his type, then?"

_Apparently you._

Trying to describe my brother's past conquests, I thought about Emily and her long dark hair and crystal blue eyes, her toned yet curvy figure and her outgoing personality. "He's into girls that are…more mature looking. Um… sexy, confident, big boobs. I guess…more Megan Fox, less Dakota Fanning?"

She nodded, understanding my comparison. "Typical guy," she snorted. "And you? Do you have a type?" she asked quietly, looking down at the table. Her gaze met mine as she peeked through her thick lashes.

_Um, definitely, definitely you._

Picking my balls up off the floor, I swallowed thickly. "I don't really like blondes."

She raised her eyebrows, a small smirk twitching at her lips before she looked back down at her bag. There I sat with the most beautiful girl I had ever seen entirely prepared to offer her my balls on a silver platter. Shit, she could keep them in her purse if she wanted. Put them in the freezer even, to keep them fresh, so maybe we could use them at a later date. The truth was, that I would hand her my balls and my heart if I could. I'd been walking around for the past year not using either so what did I need them for?

_Here B, ... take them. They will be much safer with you. _

Our conversation shifted from the dance, thank God, and onto our recent lab assignment. We compared notes and Bella agreed to let me do the write up. The bell rang and we went our separate ways out the double doors and into the hallway. I wanted to ask her to walk with me, considering we were both headed off to the gym, but since she had my balls in her purse, I chickened out.

Despite this, I realized that I was smiling to myself. As I walked down the hall, skillfully weaving in through and around the females that crowded the small space, I noticed my classmates giving me strange looks. Fuck. I didn't care.

_Gay men are supposed to be happy. That is what gay means, right? _

Gym was non eventful, except for Bella getting smacked with a volley ball on her head twice, which was actually quite comical. Afterward, I finished at my locker and found Jasper standing next to his car talking to some freshman in a tiny skirt who was looking at him like he just walked off the pages of some stupid girly magazine like Tiger Beat or some shit.

I smoked a cigarette, leaning against his car as I waited for him to finish up with Short Skirt. After he promptly dismissed her, we climbed into the car.

I sat fidgeting with a Kings of Leon CD case while I contemplated how to break the news to Jasper. I figured I had better pull off the band-aid quickly and just get it over with.

"Bella's not going to the Homecoming dance. She doesn't like dances. You got yourself a back up plan there, Romeo? Maybe you should ask that little freshman that was just giving you a mental blow-job."

"Shit, E. You know I don't "do" mental. I want the real thing. It's been too long." He snorted, sliding the key in the ignition. The engine purred to life, as he removed the CD from its slot, changing it with another.

"Fuck Jazz...you just got some last Saturday after the away game. Or was it during the game? I've heard two versions".

"You heard about that, huh? Shit, word travels fast around here. Olympia is what, a good hour away?"

"Well, yeah Jazz. I'm pretty sure the entire school has heard about it. Maybe you should choose your girls more carefully... someone that can keep her mouth closed when it's not attached to your dick," I spat, acid lacing my tone.

Jazz chuckled..."Well Edward, as long as I choose one that doesn't mind opening her mouth I can deal with the talk. I can ask Makenna to the dance. I hear she's pretty tight lipped. Ha! Get it? _Tight lipped_?"

Thinking back to my conversation with my mom...this was the exact reason I had to protect Bella from him.

"I get it. Jazz...you are a dick. A filthy dick. You need to learn some respect, bro. What happens when Forks runs dry, man? You know there aren't too many girls left here that haven't had a lesson in your love 'em and leave 'em game. Actually, I take that back. There's always Xanax." I glowered at him, hating him for not only being able to touch anyone he wanted, but taking advantage of the privilege. Fucking bastard.

Jazz shook his head and let out an exaggerated body chill. At the same time, I looked up to see Bella and Alice walking out of the side doors; the anger in me completely dissipating upon seeing her. Bella looked absolutely beautiful as a huge gust of wind blew her brown curls all around her face like dancing snakes. As she reached up to try to tame it, our eyes met and she tapped her imaginary watch and winked at me.

My sweet Princess B. was safe for one more day. I couldn't tell her how I felt about her but I would happily take on the task of being her secret knight in shining armor….waiting and willing to obliterate all the fire -breathing dragons in her life.

Even the ones she didn't know were after her.

**~%~**


	8. Chapter 8 Maybe Someday

**Thank you to Becca for proofing. And thank you to SuzyQ402, my muse, my inspiration and my partner in crime. **

**Thank you also to those of you kind enough to let me know that you are enjoying the story, and always to those who are reading and keeping your thoughts to yourselves. I mean no offense to the gay community with this chapter. **

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 8~ Maybe Someday**

**And I don't want to wait  
I just want to know  
I just want to hear you tell me so  
Give it to me straight  
Tell it to me slow  
Cause maybe someday We'll figure all this out  
We'll put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to just  
feel better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow Someday**

**Rob Thomas~ Someday**

**~Bella~**

Saturday night was interesting…and I say interesting because I have no better fitting word for the antics that ensued. After I picked Alice up from work, we arrived at Rosalie's just as she and Angela were downing shots of butterscotch Schnapps and Bailey's. They offered me a glass, which I accepted while Alice finished up in Rose's shower. I was informed the shot was called a Baby Guinness because the colored layers of the sweet liquor looked like tap beer. I mistakenly thought they said a _Baby_ _Penis_ and that inevitably led the topic of conversation for the rest of the night.

It turned out, that by all generalizations, sweet girl-next- door Angela was a complete and total slut. She was Ben's slut however, so that made it okay since he was the only person she had ever slept with. She basically described every location and sexual position she had ever been in with Ben, which included performing a rusty trombone on Ben, taking it up the ass and fucking in the church parking lot. Our Lady of Grace had now been appropriately dubbed Our Lady of Disgrace. I made a mental note to Google rusty trombone.

Let me just add here, that as utterly horrified as I was I wished I had brought along a pad to take notes on.

I also discovered that Alice was obsessed with penis', particularly so when under the influence of alcohol. She affectionately entitled the male organ, "peen" and her eyes got this rather crazy entranced look about them when she spoke of peen. As she proceeded to get drunk on the shots, she told us that she was contemplating contacting Martha Stewart, urging her to produce the paint colors, Perfect Peen Purple, Cream all Over My Face and Ecru Erection. I am pretty sure she was serious.

Then, Alice revealed that she had not only slept with the hot farm boy next door to her dad's ranch in Montana while on summer vacation the last two years, but that lunch table Alec was for all intents and purposes, her fuck buddy- even though she was madly in love with Jasper Cullen.

This revelation led to my somewhat sorrowful admission of being the proud (but entirely eager to redeem), owner of a big fat V-Card. They all looked at me as if I had suddenly grown a giant peen on my forehead. Something told me that if I had, the three of them would have mounted my forehead while engaging in a bizarre girl on girl on forehead peen gangbang, but I digress. They admitted their astonishment came from the fact that I didn't act, dance, dress or walk like a virgin, and when I asked them to explain what specifically that meant, there were many shoulder shrugs.

By midnight, we were all pretty wasted on the bottle of Grey Goose Rosalie slipped out of her parent's liquor cabinet. Rosalie put on her Homecoming dress, which was fabulous and made me jealous that I no longer had the desire or the mental stability to attend those functions…no thanks to Stupid Fucking Whore Bree.

It was then that the tears started.

Rose began crying over Emmett's lack of effort –slash- desire to make her his girlfriend even though she claimed he went down on her like it was his last chance at redemption at the Pearly Gates. Alice began bawling about Jasper hating her and calling her Xanax and telling her to go the fuck home when _he _was the one who put her hands in his hair and growled when she stopped running her fingers through it. Angela wept because she loved Ben with all her heart but if she married him, then she would never experience anyone else's fantastic peen.

While they sobbed, snotting all over themselves, I sat there in a dumbfounded stupor thinking of Edward, but I did not cry. That is, until I thought about how much happier I was living here only after a few short days and how much I had missed my old friends Alice and Rose and what beautiful (yet oddly obsessed with male genitalia) people they had become. And admittedly, a few of those tears fell, because I knew in my heart that I truly did want to go to the Homecoming dance despite the terrible memories of the last one I had attended. However, if accompanied by Edward Cullen, the scene would be very different, and perhaps quite enjoyable, I am certain.

We gave each other one big group hug before Angela ran off to the bathroom to puke.

_It was no wonder boys were afraid of girls. We're all fucking psychotic._

Around one in the morning, we were back to laughing and eating chips when Rose gasped as she looked outside of her window. She said incredulously, "Um… Edward's car is parked across the street." I shot up off of the floor, my heart racing out of my chest. Rose, observing my blatant eagerness at the mention of Edward, pointed her finger at me accusingly and yelled, "I_ knew_ it! You like Edward don't you?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I admitted that I did indeed like him very much, that I thought he was the hottest, sexiest, most amazingly mysterious boy I had ever seen and that I was eager to give him my V-Card and equally as eager to view his peen. It was all truth.

I peered out the window along with the rest of the girls, as we watched Edward's car mysteriously pull away. Then the girls went into a twenty minute rant about the various reasons of why I needed to _not_ like Edward Cullen, which I ignored while thinking about his incredible face and imagining his hands roaming all over my boobs. The twenty minute rant was followed by another twenty minute discussion on how Edward was so obviously gay, all the reasons why he was gay and how it would be the safest sex I would ever have, simply because there would never be any…because he didn't like girls.

I asked the girls how the hell I was supposed to know if we were gay for sure and Rose said that I should look at his shoes. Because according to her, if the shoes cost more than a car payment, it usually meant gay or with gay tendencies and a healthy dose of curiosity. But that seemed highly subjective, because Edward drove a really expensive car, and his payments were likely in the six or seven hundred dollar range. I decided that if he did have shoes that expensive then he was a just a big fucking idiot, not necessarily a homosexual.

As the chatter died down, before we all fell sleep, I quietly told them that I had been hanging out with Jasper and Edward every day, and once with Emmett in the tree house. Alice clicked the light back on, asked me a hundred things about Jasper and told me she was not mad that I didn't tell her sooner. But because of my admission of lusting over Edward, I believe that softened the blow. As long as I wasn't interested in Jasper, then, Alice was cool with it.

She did request that I ask the boys if she could join us sometime, as she had never smoked up and wanted to. I promised her I would, and thanked her for being an understanding friend. Rose simply asked if he said anything about her and I told her honestly, no. She rolled over without another word and that was the end of the discussion.

We slept until two in the afternoon on Rosalie's floor, exhausted, hung over and feeling absolutely miserable. I drove Alice home, showered and met my father in Port Angeles at a little Italian restaurant called Bella Italia.

Dad looked hot. I mean for a dad, that is. Apparently, all of his plaid flannel and work boots had been forcibly retired, and a new, much hipper wardrobe took its place. I assumed I would be thanking Maggie for that. Charlie's face lit up when he saw her waiting at the restaurant bar for us to arrive. I think I may have even witnessed Charlie Swan strutting to our table…or it could have been a swagger, either one. This was without a doubt a very smitten man, and I was laughing on the inside.

Maggie was surprisingly beautiful and younger than I pictured her. She had a really blunt short brown bob that accentuated her deep brown eyes and her fair skin. Dad said she owned a hair salon in Seattle, and practically beamed with glee when he spoke of her hair coiffing talents, as if he were her proud father. I found it all a bit bizarre and sweet at the same time. My father was in love.

Maggie was dressed in skin tight designer jeans and a trendy top, and used the word _awesome-sauce_ when she saw my red boots. She and I got along amazingly well, and for some reason, I felt badly for my mother about that. Like maybe I was betraying her.

I thought she was great and I told Charlie so immediately. But, as happy as I was for my dad for acquiring such a gem, I couldn't help but think what a great couple Maggie and Phil would make. She slept over - which was somewhat weird, but oddly normal at the same time.

That night, I said my prayers.

_Dear God, _

_Thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Please watch over the sad people with no friends or family and the children wandering the streets in Russia. Please take care of Mom and Phil, Charlie and Maggie, Rose, Angela, Alice , Jasper, Emmet , and Edward. Thank you so much for having Charlie build the master bedroom not next to mine, because that would be just…eww. Please guide Emmett into asking Rose to be his girlfriend and make Jasper fall in love with Alice, because she really likes him. Oh, and if you're feeling generous, you can make Edward kiss me, because I really want him to kiss me. I also ask that all the boys' wishes come true especially Edward's, because hopefully his wish was that he would kiss me too, and then you could like, kill two birds with one stone. Not that you would want to kill a living creature, but…you get what I mean. Thanks for all my shoes and forgive me for smoking pot…and cigarettes. Oh, and for drinking and cursing too._

_Amen_

_P.S…please let Edward not be gay._

That night I dreamt of vivid swirling images of lush and green, ferns and moss covered tree trunks and winding branches thick with leaves. I had walked past Edward, ignoring his presence, not looking or speaking a word to him as I disappeared into the forest. He followed, keeping step a few feet behind me, his footfalls eerily quiet.

The cover of the forest had darkened the previously bright light. It was cold- ghostly cold. I tossed my backpack onto the gnarling roots at the base of a huge tree and stood, hands at my sides, trembling. I spoke, not meeting his gaze as he stood motionless behind me. I reached out to touch him, but he recoiled, almost as if contact with my skin would burn him. He seemed fearful, frightened of me and I couldn't figure out why.

I'd woken with a start, initially brushing off the peculiar dream, but as the morning wore on, I realized something pivotal. Edward never touched me. In fact, he went out of his way to avoid physical contact with me. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe not.

He admitted he had OCD. I had never seen him wash his hands repeatedly or anything ritualistic like that but could he be a germaphobe as well? He always passed the joint to Jasper before me, and not once had I witness him touch another person but Jasper. Though…had he actually touched Jasper, ever? Would a germaphobe share a cigarette with someone, considering all the bacteria in saliva? It swarmed my thoughts until lunch, where I let it rest for the day, because my brain was hurting from obsessing.

On Monday, Rose and Alice moped around, depressed and sullen, still wallowing miserably over their lack of relationship woes. During study hall, Edward and I had a highly interesting and informative conversation about not attending Homecoming. I regretted immediately saying that I wasn't going only for the reason that it closed out all of his options if he did want to ask me…but apparently he didn't do dances either. We broached the subject of types, while pertaining to Jasper I mustered up enough moxie to ask him what his type was… whereby he admitted that his type was 'not blonde.' On the one hand I was glad… because I for one, was not blonde- so, score one for me. But on the other hand, he did not specify blonde _girl._ After that, I made a point of analyzing everything he said or did in order to determine if he was indeed, homosexual.

And of course, as advised by my lovely friend Rosalie Hale, I checked out his shoes. He was wearing sneakers. Perfectly pristine white Nike's, that coordinated with his perfectly pristine white v neck cotton shirt that clung to his body and hugged the curves of his chest and biceps and oh my god was he beautiful. However, after admiring all of his outward beauty and pristine- ness, I was left with not a single clue on the path of discovering Edward's sexual orientation.

_Gay-dar on._

After gym, I headed out to the parking lot where Jasper, leaning casually against the driver's side door of his car, chatted with some little girl in a skirt so short her butt cheeks were almost hanging out. Edward was discreetly smoking a cigarette, leaning with a foot on the bumper. He was wearing a black jacket open enough to see his aforementioned white shirt underneath and dark jeans with really cool distressed front pockets. His eyes were a beautiful shade of beach glass green again.

I cocked my head to the side trying to decide if his stance was gay. Or his outfit. But I couldn't determine anything by either. He looked handsome as usual; nothing telling at all.

As they pulled out of the parking space, my hair was swept up by a gust of wind, and I met Edward's gaze at that moment. He looked odd, as if he had seen something peculiar, but I just tapped my wrist, playfully winking at him in return of his earlier gesture at the assembly.

I had noticed that things with Edward and I had taken a peculiar turn. It wasn't something entirely tangible, but it was a definite shift in our relationship. Friendship? Acquaintanceship? Whatever the hell it was, we seemed closer, somehow…like we shared a secret or something no one else knew.

In the tree house, I continued to look for signs of gayness, but found none- not that I even really knew what specifically to look for other than his stupid shoes. However, I did notice that same weirdness that was evident between him and Jasper on Saturday afternoon was back, though more from Edward than from Jasper.

Edward rolled, lit, and took a puff of the joint first, before handing it to me. I smiled at him, mouthing a gracious "thank you", but he just rolled his eyes with a smirk on his face.

_The boy listened to me._

As they passed the joint around, I decided to take just a small drag, enough to feel a slight buzz. Getting high everyday was gradually weighing heavily on me, however I hadn't slept this well in years.

About two hours and a lengthy yet heated argument on the best possible ice cream sundae combinations, I heard footsteps rustling in the wet leaves outside.

"Shhhhhh. Listen." I waved my hand in the air to tell them to shut up, before putting my finger to my lips. "Someone's coming." The boys froze; their eyes wide, their expressions glazed with mock fear.

Edward crawled slowly over to the window on his hands and knees, carnal and looking very mountain lion-ish and amazingly hot, I might mention. He quickly poked his head outside to see who was coming. "There's no one out there," he whispered.

"Yes there is." I whispered back. "I heard footsteps."

"Maybe it was a bear." Jasper said with a chuckle. "Or a sheep." Edward turned slowly, giving him a death glare before rolling his eyes in my direction.

"What the fuck would a sheep be doing in our back yard?" Edward spat, still in a forced whisper.

Jasper whispered, "I don't know…maybe the circus is in town and one of their world famous acrobatic sheep got loose."

"You are a complete retard and it's times like this that I thank God I don't share DNA with you." Edward whispered, still perched at the windowsill.

Suddenly, the shutters of the window on the opposite side of the wall from Edward flew open with a smacking sound. Edward jumped and hit his head on the top of the window sill with a string of expletives as Jasper and I screamed.

Emmett's face peered in the window as he laughed his ass off. I threw a magazine at him. "Mom wants you to come in for dinner."

"Okay, I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow." I said, gathering my bag and kneeling to stand.

"Oh, no Tink. Esmom specifically said to drag you in too. She knows you're all out here." Emmett said.

"Is she pissed?" Edward asked, genuinely seeming afraid of his mother's reaction.

"No, she doesn't know your smoking up…just that you're hanging out."

"Ummm, I am not meeting your parents stoned. Sorry." I said, moving to the door in protest.

"Don't be scared." Edward said softly. "Mom and dad are very cool." I cocked an eyebrow at him trying to figure out why he wanted me to come over. Edward tilted his head back putting drops of Visine in his eyes before he tossed Jasper the tiny bottle. "Do you have perfume on you?" he directed toward me. I looked in my bag for the small, almost empty spray bottle of _Heaven. _Giving a few squirts, I tossed it back in the bag, and dripped the Visine in my eyes before nervously making my way down the rope ladder and up the path to meet the Cullen parents.

Once out in the fresh air, I said to Edward as I began fanning my scent his way, "Do I smell like weed?"

He inhaled, smiling a funny little smirk. "Nope, you smell good. _Really_ good. Let me just…" he said, as he slowly leaned in to sniff my hair. Though he never touched me, I actually felt a tingle slither down my spine at our sudden proximity. He smelled amaaaaaazing. Like fresh air and spring water and hot boy with muscle and mystery with a hint of annoyingly ambiguous gayness.

Emmett chuckled. "Don't even worry about it. The stench of Esmom's To-furkey meatballs will stick on you for days. It's a wonder any of us have friends left."

Jasper and Edward both mumbled something derogatory about To-furkey. "What exactly is To-furkey?" I asked.

Edward replied, "That would be Tofu, which is engineered to taste like turkey."

"Is it any good?" I asked skeptically, knowing that from what the boys had said, it likely was not.

Jasper said, "It smells like ass, tastes like balls and has the texture of…week old turd. Combine that with her clumpy organic tomato sauce, that goddamn pasty whole wheat pasta and a nice loaf of unleavened spelt bread and you've got one huge steaming pile of gourmet shit."

"Great, and why exactly are you subjecting me to this?" I asked, but received no answer but three evil boy snickers.

Inside the house, the food actually smelled pretty good. At the large double-doored entryway, the boys removed their shoes automatically, placing them neatly under the bench. I followed, slipping off my boots, scowling when Edward snickered at the frogs on my socks.

They were right about the smell, though. It was thick and meaty yet strangely appealing, and I said a silent prayer that I wouldn't gag when I ate the meat balls. We walked into the tremendous kitchen in a row, me the last in line, almost as if enchanted by the aroma of fake meat.

Mrs. Cullen was tiny like me, with dark brown hair, and hazel eyes that twinkled. She immediately smiled when she saw me, embracing me in a tight hug, which I returned warily only because I thought she may be able to smell the pot on my clothes. "Bella! So nice to meet you finally. I see why you have my boys so taken."

Peering over her shoulder, I mouthed, "Taken?" to Jasper and Edward. They both scattered. "Your home is really beautiful, Mrs. Cullen." I said, looking around the kitchen.

"Thank you Bella, and please call me Esme. Mrs. Cullen makes me feel old." She smiled. Esme was warm and friendly and so pretty. I thought that Edward resembled her a bit in their face and he definitely had her dark brown hair color.

We all sat in the kitchen talking, as Esme finished cooking dinner. Dr. Cullen arrived shortly after that, in all his handsome young doctor glory and I was amazed at what an insanely beautiful family they were. He too insisted that I call him by his first name, Carlisle.

As we sat down to dinner at the large dining room table over looking the river in their picturesque back yard, they made cheerful conversation. I noticed Edward watching me from across the table, making faces as I sliced my fork through a meatball skeptically. His lips pressed together, in what I assumed was an effort to suppress a snicker at my hesitance to his mother's negatively reviewed cooking. I tentatively suck out my tongue to lick a meatball with a fearful grimace, as Edward looked down to his plate, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter.

The pasta wasn't half bad, however the To-furkey ball was disgusting. It was gelatinous and mushy and burned my throat when I swallowed. Jasper's earlier description was surprisingly accurate. Edward's brief gazes and his silent laughter had me laughing and soon, everyone was looking at us questioningly.

"Dad, Bella likes the painting under the stairs," Jasper said.

"Oh, are you familiar with Salvador Dali?" Carlisle asked, pausing his fork in mid air. I wondered how this gorgeous doctor could eat this horrific food with a straight face. He must have possessed a gag reflex of steel.

"Yes, a little. My mother and I lived in New York, and we frequented the museums quite a bit." I said, putting on my best "meet the parents" voice.

"Oh, I was under the impression you moved from California." Esme said.

"Yes, well, that was my last home. My mom and I moved around a bit." I bit into another piece of To-furkey ball with a smile, before forcing it down with hard swallow. Edward mouthed, 'I'm sorry' from across the table while he smiled compassionately.

"So, where else did you live?" Jasper asked.

"Well, I grew up here, and when I was twelve Mom and I moved to Arizona. She couldn't wait to get into the sunshine. But then she got an offer to apartment sit in New York for a friend, so we lived there for half a year before we moved on to Ohio."

"You lived in Ohio, like with corn fields and shit?" Emmett asked with his mouth full of gelatinous meat substitute.

"Girard, Ohio. It's near Youngstown State University. I actually lived across the street from a corn farm. It was really cool. The town was just like you see in the movies, quaint and friendly. We played a game called corn hole…" I trailed off when I grasped that they were all staring at me.

_All five of them._

My ears heated up and I looked down at my plate, as I realized what I had said.

"Corn hole?" Edward asked with an eyebrow raised.

I replied quietly, "It's… like… horseshoes." I bit my bottom lip, shoving another mouthful of food in there to shut myself the hell up. "This is delicious," I said, my mouth completely full. They suddenly all burst into a roar of laughter, and I felt so unbelievably stupid.

So I joined them. "Sorry, I'm not really used to big family dinners; usually it's just me and my mom and a big bowl of mac and cheese. She_…" can't cook for shit either _almost came out of my mouth, but I replaced it with, "doesn't really cook."

As they pressed of more details of my travels, I explained that Mom and I moved from Ohio to Florida, where she met Phil, and when he was signed to the Dodgers, we moved to California.

Eventually, the conversation shifted off of me onto our classes, the discussion of a new x-ray machine that Carlisle had recently purchased, and then finally to the rumor that Tyler Crowley was having an invite only Halloween party this year.

After we finished, Edward and I helped clear the dishes, much to Esme's protest, while Jasper and Emmett disappeared. She shooed us off, with the suggestion of showing me the rest of the house. Esme sent a wry smile toward Edward, whereby he responded with an expression that I could not quite understand. It was something between sadness and confusion, and I blew it off, thinking that I was crazy or that maybe my system was thrown off balance by the absence of preservatives and artificial colors in the meal.

He took me around the living room through the French doors that led to the large, yet cozy den. There was a tremendous squishy looking navy u- shaped couch, covered in a multitude of throw pillows in varying shades of yellows. A flat screen television sat in a whitewashed wall unit in front of the couch and on the opposite wall another unlit fireplace. The walls on either side of the doors had floor to ceiling built in bookcases, filled edge to edge with assorted books. Edward explained that everyone in the family were avid readers, even Jasper, surprisingly.

We discussed what we had both read, classics and contemporary literature, required by school and on our own volition. I was admittedly impressed with Edward's list of books he had been through and it made me a little giddy at how much we had in common.

_Hot, smart and well read_.

_And I wanted to suck on his hot, smart well read nipples…_

Instead, I told him that I had just started Jane Eyre on the plane trip to Forks, but had yet to resume reading since I'd arrived. My thoughts were on someone…er…something else.

Edward led me toward the opposite direction, where Carlisle's office, Esme's work room and his and Esme's enormous decadent bedroom was. Down a long hallway, Edward paused, putting his finger to his lips, as he pressed a series of numbers into a keypad on the wall. With an audible click, a door opened, and the pungent smell of chlorine assaulted us.

"Oh my god, this is great. Wow," I sniffed, "it smells like California in here."

Edward chuckled, "The best time to swim is in the middle of February, and you're inside a 90 degree pool watching the snow fall. It's pretty cool."

The pool area was breathtaking, with its high wooden beamed ceiling and the long windows that framed the room, allowing the outside view to be accessed easily through the glass. The motionless water in the long rectangular pool was blue as the Caribbean and reflected the overhead lights like stars.

A round hot tub sat off to one side near a small bar, a cute little bistro table with chairs and some lounge chairs beside it. Near the entryway was a bathroom with another small room to change in, a sauna, and an open shower that I imagined Edward and I under, in our suits, as he slowly undressed me to complete nakedness and took me under the cascading water…

It wasn't pretentious or overly fancy, just a place where they could all have a good time. I noticed a shitty little television very out of place on a stand near the glass windows and asked, "What's that about?"

Edward laughed and said, "Uh, we kind of got a bit out of control with the turbo water guns and shorted the flat screen. This is my father's way of punishing us with the cheap TV until we can 'learn to behave less like animals.'" He made air quotes with his fingers on the last statement as he rolled his eyes.

I imagined the boys running amuck with machine gun style water guns, and beating each other to pulps in the pool playing volleyball; Edward's hot wet torso, muscular and glistening peeking out of the water to spike the ball to Emmett. I saw him walk up the stairs, beads of water dripping from his hair onto his smooth shoulders and down his abdomen to his pe…

"B? You coming?" he asked, an expectant look on his face. I took one last glance around muttering apologies, before he clicked off the lights and ushered me out the door. We headed back across the house to a door that led to the enormous open basement, which was a veritable amusement park of sorts.

Calling this a basement was like calling the Sistine Chapel a church. To the right of the landing, was a beautiful 8 foot cherry wood pool table with custom pool sticks hanging from the walls. In the corner, a foosball table, and ten different 1980's arcade games including Ms Pacman lined the wall just before the one lane bowling alley. I made a mental note to tell Phil the next time I spoke to him. Ms Pacman was his favorite.

There was also this huge white screen that hung from the ceiling, and a stand with various sports equipment, like virtual reality thing. Just ahead, was a stocked bar, a large round poker table, and small tables with chairs like you would see in a high end lounge. On the far side of the wide open room were a series of doors, which led to an impressive gym, a kitchen, and a media room.

"You have a movie theater down here?" I asked, incredulously as I plopped myself down on the first of the brown reclining leather love seats. There were five of them, mounted on a graduated platform, just like in a theater. The front of the room had the biggest television I had ever seen, and on either side of it, shelves filled with thousands of DVD's. Framed movie posters hung along the walls, and an old fashioned popcorn maker sat in the corner.

I stood, tracing my fingers along the spines of the DVD's stopping at a few to pull them out. "Have you seen all of these?" I asked turning around. Edward stood a few feet behind me, watching my every move, as if he were afraid I would suddenly decide to pull the movies off the shelves into a heaping pile on the floor. "Don't worry, E, I'm not going to get them out of order." I said, teasing him as I pretended to put the movie away in another section. He rolled his eyes, but laughed, knowing that he really was worried about me disorganizing his perfectly arranged shelves.

"Some of them." He said. "I'd rather read or listen to music than watch television though." I nodded, internalizing another bit of fascinating information unlocking the puzzle that was Edward.

"Me too." I added. "The Sandlot? I love this movie!" I exclaimed, pulling the case from the shelf.

Edward smiled, quietly adding, "It's one of my favorite movies too. Do you…do you want to watch it?"

Out of nowhere, Jasper came bounding into the room grabbing my waist and pulling me back onto the love seat with him. The movie dropped to the floor with a thud. I punched Jasper's arm playfully, as he finally released me from his hold. Edward stood before me, knelt to pick up the fallen movie, and replaced it on the shelf without a word. His hand scrubbed over his face, as he turned to leave the room with a sigh.

"Hey, I thought we were going to watch that." I said. He paused, looking at Jasper.

Edward said softly, his mood definitely soured, "Yeah, if you still want to, I guess." He pulled The Sandlot back out of the shelf.

"What are we watching?" Jasper asked, settling himself into the seat. Emmett came in then, plopping himself on another couch. Though there were three other unoccupied couches, I didn't really want to sit with Jasper, but I couldn't make it too obvious that I wanted to sit with Edward either.

Once Edward slid the DVD in, Emmett said, "Wait! I'll be right back. Jasper, there's some cans of Coke under the bar. Give me a hand." Jasper rose, and they left the room. Edward sort of stood there, his eyes darting uncomfortably from seat to seat. I moved over as close to the armrest as possible, silently indicating for him to sit with me. He watched me slide over, hesitating. With his hands at his sides, his thumbs made little circles in his palms. I noticed he did this when he seemed nervous.

"I don't have cooties, E." I said, annoyed.

He muttered, "I know, I…" He sat, nodding with a small smile on his lips, indicating the awkwardness of the situation. "Um…so, Ohio? Were you there long?"

I laughed, "No, we were just there for one summer. The friend that my mom had from New York referred us to the family in Ohio to stay at their place while they were vacationing. They were going to be abroad. Ireland, I think. My mom and I were like freaking nomads for a while, gypsies even. But, aside from having to keep starting over in new schools and saying goodbye to the friends I had made, it was very cool."

"I can imagine," he said with a smile. "Where was your favorite place?"

"Well, besides Forks, Ohio was my favorite." I said, crossing my legs underneath me, angling my body slightly toward Edward.

"Oh really, I would think California was more your scene, with the fashion and whatnot. Why Ohio?" he asked.

"Well, it's simple there. It's clean and open and everyone smiles and knows your name. No one gives a shit if you're wearing designer jeans or what kind of car you drive and the kids all ride their bikes everywhere and play kickball in the street. We had a really pretty house...a yellow Victorian. It was close to the parks and the baseball fields. The town was pretty small but there were really beautiful farms surrounding it. Like I said before, I lived across the street from a corn field. It was kinda scary at first. Spooky, you know? Very 'Children of the Corn.' But I eventually got used to it. The kids there...they would run in the fields all night..." I smiled outwardly, while inwardly remembering the great summer I spent in Ohio.

"I had my first kiss there, with a boy named Mikey. He was so cute. I used to watch him play baseball, and we'd go get ice cream afterward with our group of friends. One time his mom caught us…" I paused, sensing Edward's odd expression. "What?"

"Mikey, huh?" he asked, his eyes narrowing into tiny slits. "How long ago was that?"

"Um, I was thirteen, why?" I responded. He shook his head, brushing off the question.

Edward's eyes shut as he took a long inhale of the sudden mouthwatering aroma of popcorn wafting in the air. "Oh my god, do you smell that?" I said, excitedly. "That's the smell of baseball! Outdoors on a warm summer night, the smell of popcorn and clean air and how the dirt smelled when they watered down the fields. The sounds of the crack of a hard ball against wood and the cheering crowd."

I closed my eyes, smiling as I was brought back three years in time to that summer. "I can feel the soft grass underneath my bare feet, I can hear the sounds Mikey's cleats would make when we walked across the sidewalk from the car to the field. I can remember buying sunflower seeds for him and popcorn for me. Oh, and two Gator-aids from the concession stand before the game started. I would run up to the dugout and hand them to him. All the boys on the team would tease him about me being his girlfriend."

I rolled my eyes at the word girlfriend. As if two thirteen year old kids who barely held hands could be considered a relationship. Edward's eyes were still closed. A little smirk played on his lips as his chin rested in the palm of his hand. He looked so peaceful, so angelic, that I swear I could almost see a halo over his head. I had never seen him so relaxed before. I thought that maybe he was enjoying the baseball reminiscing, so I continued.

"You know, I can still hear the sound the ball would make when it was thrown into the sweet spot of his glove. But the best part...the best part was seeing his face when he made contact with that ball. It would fly straight to the outfield. He would make the goofiest faces when he ran the bases. Truthfully, I don't really get what the allure of it is to the fans, but I understand the love of the game for a player."

His eyes flew open and he shook his head nodding in agreement. He smiled at me...big and toothy with a hint of mischief in his eyes.

"So were you?" he asked.

Confused by the question, I asked him, "Was I what?"

He fidgeted with his hands in his lap before he sat back into the soft leather chair. "Were you his girlfriend? Mikey's girlfriend?"

"Oh. We were only thirteen." I shrugged. "I don't know what you could call it. He gave me my first kiss though, in the dug out of that very field. After his team won districts….he was so excited. He ran up and swung me around and kissed me. Surprised the shit out of me. It was sort of wet and messy and gross, but he taught me a lot that summer."

Edwards's eyebrows rose so high I thought they would touch his crazy hair.

"Oh, get your head out of the gutter. I was talking about baseball." I swatted the air dismissively as I rolled my eyes.

"You know B, there's a reason why people associate the bases on a baseball field as an acronym for sexual experiences." I wanted to just grab the smirk off his face and put it in my pocket to have my way with in private.

I heard Jasper and Emmett's voices coming closer as the heavy aroma of buttery popcorn grew impressively stronger. "Well Edward, I guess you'll have to wait to hear if Mikey ever made it to home plate. Your brothers are coming and I would prefer not to discuss my homeruns in front of them." I pursed my lips flirtatiously.

He sighed, the smirk still taunting me...calling my name to kiss it. He said in a tone that was leaning toward sarcastic, "Did you know that it's not the batter that determines if a home run is hit? A home run is a gift from the pitcher. Have you ever kissed a pitcher before?" My breath hitched at the words coming from his mouth. At the same time as my eyes shifted to the door way, just as Jasper and Emmett walked in with their hands full. I put that comment on the back burner, letting simmer for another time. Mental note to find out what position Edward played.

"Hey Tink, want some Boy Scout pop corn? We keep it down here away from Esmom. It's kettle corn. Best you ever had." He shoved the bowl toward me.

"What is Boy Scout pop corn?" I asked, as I graciously took a generous handful. I was starving and hoped it would take the gnarly aftertaste of Esme's supper out of my mouth. I was pretty sure my taste buds would have to be lanced off of my tongue.

Em chuckled. "You lived in Ohio. I figured you were fluent in all the corns."

"Shut up, Em. I lived there one summer. I know what kettle corn is but what do the Boy Scouts have to do with it?"

Jasper added, "The girl scouts have cookies and the Boy Scouts have pop corn. Carlisle buys it by the case and we hide the cookies down here too when we can get them. Thank God for the scouts or we would all go fucking hungry. You know Emmett can't live off of To-furkey alone."

"I could go for some Pecan Sandies right about now." Emmett said, his mouth garbled with popcorn.

"Mmmm me too," I said, "though this Boy Scout popcorn is amazing." He nodded knowingly as if to say_, told you so_.

"Hey, you know Edward got kicked out of the Boys Scouts?" Jasper asked, plopping himself in the couch next to us, as he popped individual pieces of corn in his mouth.

Edward buried his face in his hands, groaning at Jasper and mumbling, "I fucking hate you."

Intrigued, I twisted my body around to address him. "How the hell do you get kicked out of the Boy Scouts?" I laughed. "Tell me what happened!" I clapped my hands eagerly awaiting yet another clue to Edward's past. Edward huffed, shaking his head in defeat knowing his older brothers would embarrass him yet again.

"We were on this stupid camping trip to get the Wilderness Survival badge." Jasper said, laughing.

Edward lifted his face from the shield of his palms and chimed in, "The snow was like four feet high. And keep in mind we were seven years old and we were fucking short back then. So the snow was up to our necks and it's fucking freezing…windy…wet…just miserable."

"We're all starving and they serve us cold Spaghetti-Os and hot chocolate that was basically brown water." Jasper added.

Emmett said, "Man, I could go for some Spaghetti-O's right now." He was tossing popcorn into the air and catching it with his mouth. "Could do without the brown water, though."

I turned back toward Emmett and said, "Is it always about food?"

He winked. "Food, sex and sports, Tink. That's all there is."

I quirked an eyebrow. "In that order, Em?"

"Depends on the day." He replied with a cheeky smile. Edward huffed, clearly annoyed. He had the sexiest profile, the slight bump in his nose and a jaw that was hard and strong and I wanted to lick it and kiss it and...

"Okay, so now the snow is over your heads…" I waved my hand toward Edward urging him to continue the story. I laughed internally at how the snow kept getting higher…like the fishing stories Charlie used to tell…the fish mysteriously grew a size each time the story was repeated.

"So they made us do this stupid togetherness shit….depending on each other…you know, teamwork crap." Edward continued, bitterly remembering the snow and the togetherness. While it was funny, it sort of saddened me that Edward felt like the act of togetherness and having to depend on someone else was a stupid concept.

"They kept making us repeat, 'There is no I in team.'" Jasper chuckled. "And Edward kept saying, 'But there is an M and an E.'"

Edward interrupted, "And Me does not do subzero camping trips." He laughed, finally, meeting my gaze as I giggled with him. "Fucking cold toilet seats and peeing in the woods and stinky cabins, not showering for three days… it was horrible." He shuddered.

"What was the point of torturing seven year old boys with all that?" I asked, shoving more delicious popcorn into my mouth.

Emmett said, "Well, we were supposed to be getting our Wolf badges…one step up from Cubs. But not Edward. He kept yelling at the leader that he didn't want to be a stupid wolf and he just sat in the corner of the cabin on strike the whole weekend."

"He refused to move until mom and dad picked him up but he wouldn't sit on the dirt floor cause he didn't want to get his snow pants dirty." Jasper shook his head.

"Yeah that and my ass was fucking numb."

Emmett laughed, "So he used the leader's pillow, and he was pissed."

I looked at Edward. "So you sat there in the corner pissed off for three days?"

Emmett nodded, "Yup, sitting there practicing tying knots with his reading and his music badges…"

"And his neatness badge and his housekeeping badge…" Jasper added snickering.

Edward snapped his head at Jasper, mumbling. "There's no fucking neatness badge…but there should be."

I asked, "They have a house keeping badge?"

Emmett replied, "Yeah, in the GIRL scouts."

"Fuck you, Em," Edward spat.

"I could really go for some girl scout cookies right now." Emmett muttered again. "Thin mints."

"Mmmm," I said, my mouth watering. "Minty chocolate goodness. I love Thin Mints."

"Me too," Edward smiled. He pressed a few buttons on the remote and the lights automatically dimmed to complete darkness.

"You like chocolate, huh?" I asked him quietly, as the movie began. Mental note to buy chocolate snacks for Edward.

He smiled shyly, and said in almost a whisper, "You have no idea how much I like it."

After the movie ended, I said goodbye to Esme and Carlisle, thanking them for the delicious dinner. Esme insisted that one of the boys walk me home, but as much as I wanted to have Edward accompany me, I thought it would be really awkward, with me trying to hump his leg at my door. So I told her I would be fine.

As I ambled down the street solo, I turned back toward the house to see Edward in the window; likely there because Esme asked him to make sure I arrived home safely. He raised his hand, giving me a slight wave, before resting his arm against the window above his head.

I suppose it was a sudden burst of bravery, or the fact that he initiated the wave. Or maybe even it was because of the sight of him looking angelic in his white shirt standing in the window with the warm light emanating from behind him. Because instead of waving back, I raised my fingers to my lips and I blew him a kiss.

_Yup, fucking blew the boy a kiss. Kill me now._

But he laughed, and without much theatrics, his hand grasped at blank air… before it slid casually into his front pocket. It could have been a coincidence, but I liked to think that he put my kiss into his pocket perhaps to put aside for later.

Edward Cullen was an anomaly. He was mysterious and shy, but sweet and funny and I was falling harder and harder for him every second of every day. I wondered how hard it would hurt if I did discover that I had no chance with him. I decided, that until the day he showed me no possibility of reciprocating my feelings, I would pursue my beautiful boy with determination.

_Maybe someday, Edward…someday we'll figure this out. _

_Someday I'll figure __**you**__ out._

**~%~**

**Definition of Rusty trombone as read in the Urban dictionary:**

**The act of performing anal cunnilingus (licking) while reaching up above the testicles to manually administer quick up and down motions to the penile shaft; resulting in a violent yet pleasant explosion. It is then customary for the female to then give a quick blow into the anus for good luck, the lips blowing into the anus sounds very similar to a trombones sweet melody.**


	9. Chapter 9 Feelings & Shit

**Thank you ever so much to Becca for proofing, and to Suzy for well, everything. **

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 9~ Feelings and Shit**

**There's something about you now  
I can't quite figure out  
Everything she does is beautiful  
Everything she does is right  
You and me and all of the people  
with nothing to do  
nothing to lose  
and it's you and me and all of the people  
and I don't know why  
I can't keep my eyes off of you**

**Lifehouse~ You and Me**

**~Edward~**

That sound.

That fucking sound…

God, I hated that sound.

And it was Tuesday. Motherfucking fuck.

I rolled over onto my stomach sliding to the far right side of the king sized bed to smash the shit out my fucking alarm clock. The neon green lights read 6:17. It was really only six, but I set the clock ahead to give myself a few extra minutes to snooze if I needed it. I groaned when I knocked over the little bottle of lube that was still on the night stand from my surprisingly satisfying self stimulation the previous evening.

I smiled, rehashing the evening. She was so funny at dinner; nervous and timid as my father asked her questions about her past travels. She downed Esmom's cooking like a champ and I apologized while laughing at her efforts. She was so fucking beautiful when she was embarrassed.

Bella loved the pool area and the media room, and stared at the bowling alley with wide eyes, so fucking cute. And when she spoke about her first boyfriend, I got pissed. Stupid, I know, but I'd knock out any handsy motherfucker who touched my girl, even if he was just a little kid, and it was three years ago.

But I learned something that night. I learned that Bella "got" the allure of baseball, even if she said she didn't. She described the surroundings of a Little League game to a tee. I was instantly transported back to being twelve and playing in the field, the feel of the ball in my glove as I stood on the pitcher's mound and wishing I could have that feeling back in a heartbeat. I never would though.

And when she left…Bella blew me a kiss. I was fucking stunned, moved and really bewildered all at the same time. Until I realized that Jasper was standing right behind me, so the kiss could have been for the both of us, and of course, I was reading way too deeply into it. To a girl, a blown kiss held the same symbolism as a wave. A playful gesture, mildly flirtatious in nature, true. But I liked to think it was just for me, so I caught it nonchalantly, and stuffed it in my pocket.

_I know…I am a loser._

Bella had gone home, and went straight to her room to bed. She must have been exhausted, because there was no fashion show in the reflection of her mirror, no modeling of the next day's attire. She crossed the room in her pink bra, removed it with her back turned to me, and slid on a flannel night shirt. I bet it was soft and smelled like her…chocolate and warm, girl and sweet innocence. I wondered what sleeping next to her would be like; if she was all kicky and noisy, or if she slept quiet and soundly like a rock. Either way, I longed to feel her soft little body pressed into my chest, her breathing rhythmic and matching mine.

I finished up my cigarette, and just after her bedroom blinked into the inky darkness, Emmett came tip toeing across the balcony deck, thinking he was all stealth-like and sneaky. He practically pissed his pants when I stuck my foot out tripping him accidentally on purpose. I didn't truly mean to stick my foot out. It was a normal reaction to want to see him fall ass over elbows across the deck.

He mumbled something about the fucking motion sensor light being turned off, before he told me he was on his way to Rosalie's…to ask her to Homecoming. I was glad he was dealing with his issues because I knew he really liked her. I told him to bring her flowers or candy or some shit, because girls are supposed to like that stuff. He said that he was enough of a gift, and that she should be satisfied with all of his manly wonder. I actually puked in my mouth a little.

That poor girl. She didn't have a goddamn clue as to what she was getting herself into.

After he left, I went back to my room and jerked off to images of Bella and I under the shower in the pool area. I gave her a white string bikini that tied on the sides, and while she showered, I slid my arms around her waist, burying my face in her neck and her wet chocolate scented hair. She moaned, drawing her arms up to wrap them around my head and I could almost feel her short nails scratching in my scalp and along the nape of my neck. God, what I would do to feel that for real.

I stripped her of her bottoms slowly, bending her over and fucking her from behind as I reached around to stroke her clit. She panted and moaned as her palms pressed firmly into the surrounding tiles to steady her body as I pumped into her.

Doing this to Bella was motherfucking hot as hell and since I never had fucked a girl like that in real life, imagining doing it with her in real life was… just insanely amazing. The real thing would be deadly, I am certain of that. However, as I finished squirting my load, I had to thwart obsessive thoughts about the fact that I had no idea if she had been in that position in real life. I knew nothing about her sexual history or experiences, and it bothered me not knowing if she was even a virgin.

I had gotten myself so worked up and agitated that I didn't even clean up after myself properly. Just wiped off, and tossed the towels onto the bathroom floor from my bed so I could sleep away the anxiety and hopefully dream about her in other sexual scenarios with me as her partner. However, if I did dream these days, I didn't remember them in the morning. When I stopped taking the Zoloft, the fantastic nocturnal hallucinations went as well. Now it was just blackness and an occasional nightmare of people whispering and pointing in school hallways. Fucking assholes, all of them.

It was Tuesday, and that meant therapy. I hated Tuesdays with a passion just for that reason. It was an hour of my life each week that I would never get back, plus another hour in travel time to Port Angeles. The only good thing that came out of it was that Jasper and I would usually hit the mall and grab a bite to eat, thereby avoiding another horrific meal at the Cullen dining room table.

And, another redeeming factor was that I was able to supplement my wardrobe. I admit, I enjoyed shopping. Not many straight guys would say that proudly, but I found something extremely gratifying about making several purchases, and unwrapping them on my bed at home. I would iron all the garments and hang them in my closet, color coordinating them into the proper section, while keeping the style of the piece in the designated area. Yeah it was sort of weird if I thought about it hard enough, but my OCD tendencies were strongest while also the most useful when it came to organizing and arranging, categorizing and sorting.

The books in the den and the DVD collection in the media room were my doing as well. That had taken me an exorbitant amount of time, after the incompetent movers shifted the boxes clearly marked, THIS SIDE UP in red Sharpie. The thousands of books and movies were all out of order and I painstakingly categorized them both alphabetically into genres. I used the same method with my CD's, and while it seems insane to most people, it was cathartic and curative practice to me.

This is also why I adopted a methodic morning ritual. I had showering and dressing down to a science, that is, when my hair cooperated. I don't know of too many sixteen year old's that shaved, exfoliated, scrubbed, and primed their skin on a daily basis. Jasper, I knew only swiped on some Stridex and called it a day. But I was vain, and the rituals helped me focus. Aside from shaving my face and chest, my hair took the longest to achieve. I kept it in a very disorganized style, giving the illusion I threw some sculpting wax into it and ran my hands haphazardly through it a few times. However, each strand was carefully placed, so that its neighbor was not angled the same way.

Looking like I didn't give a shit was painstakingly tedious.

After dressing in a black v neck tee shirt and dark buttonfly Lucky jeans, I headed to breakfast with my shoes in hand, dropping them off at the entryway. Jasper was eating a bowl of cereal, while studying the box of organic Fruit-e-O's. Emmett sat next to him, chin in hand looking uncharacteristically sullen.

"Hey, how'd it go last night?" I asked, sitting at the center island with a bowl and spoon.

"She said no," Emmett replied flatly, not even making eye contact with me.

"Huh?" I replied, pouring myself a bowl of fake Fruit loops.

"She fucking said _no_." He stared off into space tapping his index finger on the granite island top.

"Bitch," Jasper muttered, not breaking his focus off of the box.

My eyebrows furrowed as I sat across from Emmett. "But Bella said Rose wanted you to ask her. Why the hell would she say no?"

Emmett's lips pursed as he shook his head. "She said I waited too long and nobody makes Rosalie Hale wait. She's going with Jared." I bit my lip and nodded. Jared was a guy on the football team with Em. He was apparently every girl's fantasy and slept with a good portion of the senior class before he was even a sophomore.

"Didn't she fuck him over the summer? I remember hearing something about that," Jasper said, slurping his rainbow colored milk. Jasper… always so fucking helpful.

"Fuck if I know. Probably," Emmett replied, despondent. His head snapped up and he spat, "Goddamn it. She's fucking playing games with me." His speed of his finger tapping increased as he grew more agitated.

"She wants you to chase after her?" I asked naively. They both shot me looks that clearly meant, _Yeah, obviously._

It was no secret in my household that I had very little experience with girls. Four sexual occurrences, three of them with the same person, two blow jobs, three tit gropes and I made out with four girls including the two I'd slept with. No girlfriends, never gave oral to a girl. I was not exactly a seasoned expert on the mysteriously psychotic ways of the female.

"Bitch," Jasper mumbled again.

"So chase her and show her you don't want to share her," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "That's what I would do."

Emmett didn't respond. He glared at me for a second before he swiped his untouched bowl of cereal, tossed it in the sink with a splash, and stormed out of the room.

"PA today?" Jasper asked, unfazed by Emmett's abrupt departure. I nodded, wondering what the hell excuse I was going to give Bella for not hanging out after school.

**~%~**

On my way to forth period English I was running late. I had hung back after third to see if I could catch Bella to walk with her, but she was talking to some nerdy kid and looking very uncomfortable. After staring intently and debating whether I should intervene, I chickened out and took the long way around to the English wing, stopping by the vending machines for a bottled water because I felt a headache coming on.

Jessica and Lauren passed me in the almost empty hallway, uttering their bitchy greetings as they passed alongside me. I nodded, not really wanting to acknowledge them, but I didn't want to be a rude asshole either. Not that I even gave a shit what they thought, but I felt like I shouldn't have so many enemies.

As they brushed past, the little freshman who had been talking to Jasper the other afternoon, Short Skirt I believe I named her, came bounding around the corner, smashing into Jessica with force. Her books flew all over the hallway, along with the entire contents of her purse, which scattered haphazardly between the lockers. Lauren screamed, "Why don't you watch where you're going, slut!" Jessica muttered something derogatory, before she deliberately stepped on Short Skirt's powder compact, cracking it in pieces and glass shards on the floor.

The two girls strode off, their cackling laughter echoing while Short Skirt fell to her knees, gathering up her belongings. I could see the tears welling up her eyes as the little girl frantically repacked the contents of her purse. Tears coming from a girl were equivalent to an arrow being shot through my heart. Without even thinking, I bent to one knee, stacking her books in a pile, and then tossing lipsticks and various girl items into her open bag. She looked up, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear and muttered a very quiet, "Thank you," accompanied by a meek smile.

I smiled as I handed her the stack of books from the floor, "Ignore those girls, they are damaged people. And you should probably get a backpack." Short Skirt nodded with a sniff, before she sped off to her class. I stood, tossing my own bag over my shoulder as Bella stood frozen in the classroom doorway. She had the bathroom pass clutched in her hand and a shy smirk on her face.

"That was really nice of you, Edward," she said softly as she began to walk toward me. Her eyes twinkled and she looked almost as if she wanted to hug me or something. I was embarrassed at her awe and shrugged my shoulders indifferently, wanting to escape her almost pitiful gaze and her possible attempt at an embrace.

I looked down, shifting my bag to the other shoulder as a sudden splash of nerves came over me and I didn't know what to do with my hands. "It's no big deal. I just helped her pick up her stuff. I'm not an asshole." My tone was clipped, and truly I didn't mean it to be. At the same time Bella's smile fell, my heart plummeted with it. She turned on one foot, without further words, toward the bathroom leaving me standing alone feeling like complete shit. She was complimenting me, and I felt stupid, so I made her feel stupid in return.

_Dumb fuck._

I sat in class, earning a disapproving glare from the substitute teacher, who promptly took my name for attendance purposes. When Bella returned, I wrote _Thank you_ on a piece of loose leaf, passing it to her a row over when the teacher has his back turned. She opened it and smirked, folding it back up before sliding it in her bag. She met my gaze with a slight nod and I desired nothing more in that moment than to kiss her lips, showering her face with my apologies and the truth of why I was such a bipolar schizophrenic dick to her all the time.

We walked to lunch side by side, silent and awkward, the strange tension minutely relieved only by the occasional uttering of greetings to Bella. She had been in Forks exactly a week and at least two thirds of the students knew her or of her already. I asked her if she actually knew all these people that were saying hello to her and she laughed shaking her head no.

Emmett was in the cafeteria at our table, glaring at Rosalie while he took intermittent, pissed off sips of ice tea. He spent forty five minutes glaring at her while she ignored him deliberately discussing her Homecoming attire in earshot of my seething brother.

After daintily ingesting an amazing looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Bella chewed on her pinkie nail with her chin cupped in her hand as she listened to Rosalie and the other girls discussing the dance. I swear she looked almost sad, but as if she were trying to force enthusiasm for their upcoming activities that she would not take part in. I surmised from the overheard bits of the conversation that Alice was going with Alec, and Angela, of course with Ben.

Every so often Bella would glance up at me through her lashes but I couldn't bear to look at her all feminine pretty in her white shirt with the flowing sleeves that made her look like a halo-less angel. I was such a fucking coward and I had no idea what I was even doing liking this girl.

She sat next to me in Bio, scraping her stool along the floor. Mr. Banner began his lecture on mitochondria, cuing us to take notes. I swear to God between this guy and his excessive forced note taking and all the jerking off I did, I would need carpal tunnel surgery in like, a week.

Bella pulled out her sparkly pink notebook and a fucking green plastic pickle which she proceeded to pull apart and write with in hot pink ink.

"Is that a pickle pen?" I asked her, staring incredulously, as if wasn't completely obvious that it was just that.

Bella paused her writing and laughed, "Um hum."

"Wwwwhy?" I asked expectantly, and a bit dumbfounded at the purpose of such an idiotic writing implement.

"Because…" she reached into her backpack and whipped out a life like hamburger looking thing. "It goes with my cheeseburger pad." Bella smiled the goofiest grin, as she opened the brown spongy buns to reveal a stack of yellow post it notes sandwiched between them posing as the cheese. "Which also go with…" she stuck her hand back in the bag, proudly presenting a very realistic looking box of rubbery plastic French fries to me, "my French fry erasers!"

I stared at her for like a good minute, my expression completely blank. She held her hands up. "Oh sorry, they don't make To-furkey pens and wheat grass note pads." Then she rolled her eyes at me, the little snot.

I laughed in her face, picking up the pickle and examining it. I scribbled _You are a freak_ into her cheeseburger pad before sliding it across the lab table toward her. She read the note, stuck her tongue at me and tossed the fake food back in her bag. She was so fucking cute, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and kiss her and tickle her until she peed her pants. Not to mention that I really wanted to watch her do obscene things with that pickle pen.

"You can borrow the pen any time," she said. Her eyebrows rose suggestively.

I narrowed my eyes muttering, "Thanks, I'm good." She smirked, shrugging her shoulders. It was odd, and I wondered what it was about.

We made small talk in study hall, while I created excuse after excuse in my head to explain why we would not be hanging out after school. I'd considered just telling her simply that I had other plans but Bella was a naturally inquisitive young woman (in any other situation and had I not been head over heels for her, I would have called her fucking nosy bitch) and I knew she wouldn't accept it without a more detailed explanation. However, I pussied out, not wanting to lie to her.

I realized that if I couldn't even make up a white lie about my Tuesday whereabouts, then how was I ever going to be able to tell her the truth about me?

So after gym, I cleaned up quickly, getting to my car just as she and Alice were walking across the lot. Alice stopped to chat with Alec while I took a deep breath and said, "Um, hey… um, we're not hanging out today."

Bella frowned looking slightly dejected. She said shrugging, "Oh, that's okay, I needed to go to Port Angeles anyway for some stuff."

Fuck, what the fuck was I supposed to say then? There was no way I wanted this girl to know I was going to a fucking shrink. Maybe if we timed it right I could get there faster than her and she would never know. I blew out a breath through my lips as my fucking stupid, insensitive, self centered bastard of a brother Jasper, rounded the car chirping, "Hey, we're going to Port Angeles, why don't you just come with us?"

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

I felt my neck heat up and my fists coil into tight balls. "Yeah, sure," she said looking at me. "I guess… if it's alright with you. We're you planning to go to the mall, because I need to…"

"No, Edward has an appointment, but you and I can hit the mall while he's at his… thing. It's right across the street," Jasper said, leaning casually against my bumper. I could have beaten his stupid ugly ass into the gravel with one fist, until only his bloody head was peeking out of the cracked pavement…then I would run that over repeatedly with my car until it was just an oozing pancake with a tuft of blonde hair spurting out the top.

Through gritted teeth, I said low enough that only he could hear the warning in my voice, "Jasper, get your fucking foot off of my fucking bumper you stupid fucking moron."

"Okay… sure." She said. "Are you feeling alright?" She looked at me expectantly.

"Yeah, I'm fine…why?" I asked, not immediately understanding her question.

She shuffled her feet, shifting her bag off of her shoulder to hang from the strap. "Oh, nothing. I just assumed he meant you had a doctor's appointment."

_Oh god oh god oh god, what the fuck do I say_?

Because if I said yes, it was a doctor's appointment, then next Tuesday when we were again not present in the tree house, I would have to make up another excuse. Either that, or she would think I was undergoing dialysis or something that I had chronic physician appointments for.

"Um…no…I have…piano lessons… every Tuesday." I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that explanation would be plausible enough for her, while not seeming completely nerdified by being sixteen and succumbing to the torture of piano lessons.

"Oh!" she said smiling. "I didn't realize you took lessons still. Okay well, I have to drop Alice off and then I'll meet at your house?"

I nodded, still annoyed as hell, as we got into our respective cars. Jasper slid into the passenger seat, practically buzzing with excitement, the fucker. He took my Foo Fighters CD out of the slot and I snatched it from him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, man?" _You selfish unthinking piece of shit._ "How could you tell her to come with us? What if she finds out where I'm really going?" _Then she'll think I am a freak for sure_. "God, Jazz, you are such a douche. I had to tell her I was taking piano lessons, for Christ sake, like some kind of moron. What fucking sixteen year old takes piano lessons?"

"Dude, what do you care what she thinks about you, really? I mean, what, do you like her or something?" He practically snorted, as if my taking a romantic interest in a girl like Bella was a ridiculous impossibility. And what, I tell him the truth so he can rub it in my face? It would be the perfect opportunity for his revenge.

"No, but I don't want her talking about me to her friends. It's nobody's business what I fucking do. You could at least think about this shit before you go running your mouth off."

"Sorry, I didn't realize. I just thought it would be cool to hang out with her, you know…see if she's cool when she's not high," he said, flipping the CD cover back in forth in his hands. To Jasper, the world revolved around him. I realized when he said this that the only time he hung out with Bella was when we were all stoned. I hung out with her in class, and had gotten to know her on another level, sort of. How could he possibly even think of liking a girl when all he knew of her was when her personality was altered?

The thought of the two of them hanging out alone for forty five minutes made my blood boil. The agitated rhythmic tapping of my fingers against the steering wheel was the only thing to be heard in the car, besides the faint purr of the engine.

I changed into a dark gray t-shirt and brushed my teeth twice until the water I spat into the sink was tinged pink with blood, before heading back downstairs. Through the front window, I could see that Bella was outside perched on the slate edge of the waterfall feature that had been recently installed in front of the property. I opened the door, and she turned toward me with a bright smile. "I didn't realize you had koi in the pond." I strode across the lawn, my legs moving involuntarily, a veritable magnet drawing against iron toward the beautiful girl. At the bottom pool, we watched in silence as the two golden orange fish darted in and out of the vegetation.

"They are beautiful. Do they have names?" She looked up at me, with chocolate eyes and dark lashes and honesty and innocence. I wanted to reach out and lace my fingers in her warm tiny hand so we could watch the fish frolic in their watery confines together.

I reached instead to scratch my head, careful not to disrupt my carefully arranged chaotic mess of hair. Pressing my lips together, I thought a minute before responding, "Uh…yeah." She gazed up, awaiting my answer. I let out a breath and responded, "Bella, meet Cunnilingus and Fellatio."

She rolled her eyes, smirking and shaking her head. "Do your parents know they have such… lascivious names?"

"Oh yeah, they know," I replied, frankly impressed with her casual use of the word lascivious, as well as her understanding of what both the koi's names meant. I loved that she was smart and well read on top of all her sexy innocence. "The fish were Emmett's idea and therefore his responsibility, so he got to name them. Mom doesn't necessarily approve, but dad thinks it's great." I shrugged my shoulders. Jasper exited the house at that moment, nodding for us to get going.

In the car, she insisted on sitting in the back seat, though I asked her to sit up front, out of politeness and that ladies first thing she was so keen on. They talked about nothing, bullshitting about school and the upcoming football game. I resisted contributing to the conversation, simply because as we grew closer to Port Angeles, I grew more agitated, and all I could focus on was the fact that they were going to be alone for almost an hour... where he would probably fucking be gratuitously touching her.

Parking in the lot across the street from the ambiguous brick building that housed my therapist's office, I gave Jasper a stern look and said, "I'll call you at four."

He patted his pocket, muttering, "Fuck," when he realized he didn't have his phone on him. "I left my cell in the kitchen."

Bella grinned. She spewed out her cell number, as I entered it in my phone, smirking while I touched the keys, a small part of me ecstatic that I had gotten one step closer to her. Yeah stupid, but for a kid who couldn't touch the girl he was falling hard for, getting her digits by default was the equivalent to an earlobe suck.

"Have fun at your lesson." She grinned and waved as they turned toward the mall, and I watched with anger and trepidation at the heart wrenching sight of my brother and my girl walking away from me. They disappeared through the glass doors side by side, and I wanted to cry like a fucking baby.

I waited a good ten minutes in the lobby before Dr. Kate buzzed me up to her fourth floor office. Upon entering, I removed my jacket, hanging it over the arm of the chair adjacent to my usual seat. She didn't look up at me, which was customary for her. "Hello, Edward. I'm glad you decided to come back." Dr. Kate looked up at me, smiling genuinely, as if she were truly pleased that I had returned after last week's disastrous session…like I had a choice in the matter.

I exhaled, slumping back in the seat, resigned to simply get the session over with. I steeled myself for the lie that would leave my mouth. "I want to apologize for my behavior last week. I overreacted. Kicking the chair and leaving was uncalled for and immature." I refused to make eye contact with her, as my apology was not sincere.

She met my gaze, thoughtfully cocking her head to the side. "Edward, thank you. While I appreciate the sentiment, I have to ask, honestly…is that genuinely how you feel?"

I looked away, because I hated confrontation truthfully. "No," I replied simply.

"So then why apologize? All I expect from you in our sessions is honesty. If you falsify your feelings, than whom is that helping? Not me and certainly not you, correct?"

Shrugging my shoulders in agreement, and complete shock, I muttered, "Yeah, I guess." I stared out the window slumping forward and chewing on my nail as she asked me how my week was, while my knee bounced nervously. The last thing I wanted to discuss was my week, when the only thing that had consumed my every thought for those seven days was in fact with my douche of a brother at that very moment.

She smiled, softly saying, "I would also like to apologize to you, for you thinking I meant anything presumptuous my statement last week. It was not my intent." I nodded, appreciative of her apology, but kept quiet.

"Edward, you seem very agitated this afternoon. Is there something specific bothering you that you would like to discuss?"

_Yeah, but not with you, Nosy._

I huffed, still casting my gaze on the front entrance of the tiny shopping center, which they had nerve even calling such a place a mall. Two lower end department stores and like, ten smaller chain stores does not constitute a shopping extravaganza by any means.

A good twenty minutes of nonsensical small talk was exchanged before she said, "You are definitely distracted today. Normally you are passively indifferent." She uttered the observation, almost as if I weren't in the room. Her eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Remember, Edward, everything you say is confidential, and I am here to help you, not judge you or…"

Before she could complete the sentence on her bullshit undying loyalty, I spewed out, "My brother and I like the same girl, and I am irritated because they are together right now…in the stupid mall across the street and I'm frustrated because of my… situation."

I think her heart stopped.

"Oo… oooh …oh…" she sputtered out. If she were a robot, she would have definitely short-circuited with sparks and little bursts of flames and shit coming from her wiring. With wide eyes, her back straightened up in the leather chair, as her pen began to fly over her legal pad with a weird whooshing sound. I had never given her so much as a complete sentence before, never mind something as informative as what I had just uttered in one mouthful. "Would you care to elaborate on that frustration?"

"Uh, well, I think it stems from the fact that he can like…be her boyfriend and I can't." My reply was curt and matter of fact. Her pen continued to glide in short clipped strokes.

Without looking up she added, "I can definitely empathize with that frustration. Why don't think you can be her boyfriend?"

My eyebrows raised in question as I stared at her incredulously. "I can't touch her. How am I supposed to be her boyfriend if I can't even hold her hand?"

"I see," she said, pausing her writing. She tapped her pen on the paper thoughtfully. "Now, I am going to ask this, not as an innuendo or and insinuation or anything other than a simple question, alright? So you feel that in order to have a meaningful relationship with a female, physical contact is a necessary factor, am I correct?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I responded, "Well yes, because when there is no physical contact, that sort of negates the _girl_ part in the word girlfriend, leaving only the word, friend."

_Duh, stupid. Who gave you a license?_

She nodded. "Do you think this young woman wouldn't have any interest in you, if you were only friends?"

"I don't know. But I mean, why would she want me as a friend when she can have more with Jasper?" I looked at her as if she had three heads.

Her eyebrow rose as she struggled to understand. "Jasper is a better fit for her because he can touch her?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. He's a dick to girls in general, and I think I'm a hell of a lot better suited for Bella than he is, as far as interests and personalities go. But yeah, he can kiss her and shit…stuff…sorry." She waved her hand dismissively, urging me to continue. "Plus, he's had an actual girlfriend before, and he knows what to do with one. I am clueless in that department." I scowled, thinking how much I had admitted to her, and how much it really did feel better to talk about my feelings and shit. "And also because…" _fuck._

"Because…? Continue, Edward. You're doing great," she said, composing herself as to not emit too much enthusiasm at my sudden "openness."

"I owe him," I said quietly, as I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with the seams on my jeans.

She looked directly at me, and her eyes softened with her voice. "Would you care to elaborate on that?"

I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I felt blood. "Right after… everyone found out about what happened… his girlfriend Emily, had come over one afternoon and Jazz ran out to get condoms, I think… so she and I were alone in the house. She was… afraid of me. I had hung out with her and our friends countless times before that, but she…she was fucking… trembling when she saw me." I felt my voice crack, as my lip quivered at the memory of her face, fearful and wide eyed, like I was truly going to hurt her.

"Her parents wouldn't let Emily see Jasper anymore after that. They snuck around for a few weeks, but eventually, she just didn't want to have anything to do with him at all…because of me. He was devastated." I whispered. I couldn't even look at her, as I casually wiped an escaped tear while I ground my palm into my forehead.

_Fucking pussy._

"And you feel you owe him a girlfriend for this?" she asked, nudging the box of tissues toward me. Her voice was pitched an octave higher, possibly indicating disbelief.

"It's my fault she broke up with him. How else am I supposed to repay him?" I ignored the tissues strictly out of pride, but really wanted one.

"Have you apologized?"

"Yeah, only about a hundred times…to him and my whole fucking family."

"Well then, there you go. She made the choice to leave him. Yes, it may have been in relation to something that happened to you, but it was her choice in the end, and no fault of yours. Other members of your family were affected by this? Would you explain?"

"My father lost half the patients in his practice, my mom lost a five million dollar client and any future referrals, Emmett lost…well, Jasper and Emmett lost everything when we moved. It was my entire fault. And none of them are really all that happy here, so that's my fault too. I don't deserve a girl like Bella. I should be punished, not given rewards."

"But Edward…if you continue to maintain your innocence in the matter, than how can you consider any of this your fault?" She stopped writing and stared at me.

"Because if I had just lied…everything would have been fine."

The session ended when the timer on her desk buzzed, startling us both. She looked upon me proudly, similar to the way my mother often did, realizing that in like three months of saying absolutely nothing, I had given her the mother load in one fucking day. "Edward, this was a very productive session, and I hope we can continue this discussion further next Tuesday. Have a good week."

I muttered goodbye and left, feeling raw and vulnerable, exposed… and truthfully, I walked out of her office with a hint of reprieve. It wasn't nearly as awful as I had imagined, talking to her about my feelings and shit. Carlisle was right, it was a waste of time for the both of us if I continued to sit there and sulk. At least I could make the most of my sentence, and maybe I would actually benefit from the therapy.

I called Bella the second I entered the elevator, and when her voice hit my ear I sighed relief at the instant comfort of it. I realized that it was the first time I had ever spoken on the phone with her, and I felt almost nostalgic, like it should be documented or something. That would be a difficult thing to add to the Box -o-Bella in my closet.

I met them in front of The Gap. They both wore smiles and carried shopping bags, and none of my worst fears came to fruition. They weren't holding hands, or gazing adoringly at each other, and Bella wasn't wearing his jacket nor was she adorned with any new jewelry that he could have purchased her in my absence. In fact, I think Bella may have been happy to see me.

"Jeeez, you look spent! Tough lesson?" she asked, staring at my obviously emotionally battered face.

I shrugged my shoulders, running a palm over my eyes, muttering, "Just tired."

"Oh, well we waited for you to go in here," she said, gesturing to the store in front of us. "Jasper said The Gap gets you excited." She bit her lip smothering a smirk, before spinning around to enter the store. It pissed me off that she and Jasper had some inside joke or something about me.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I asked Jasper as we walked inside.

He shrugged. "I was joking around that this place was like a sanctuary for you, with all the shirts folded neatly and everything so organized and shit." I looked at him skeptically, because while that was all true, Bella used the word 'excited' not 'relaxed'. He veered off to the tee shirts, while I stood in the center of the store, breathing in deeply.

_It smells like her in here._

And I felt myself getting hard, almost like a Pavlovian response to olfactory stimuli. She was at the perfume display, spraying bottles into the air with little spurts of mist flying about her. I held back, watching her from a distance as I casually looked through a stack of plain non-zippering hoodies without really paying attention to anything but Bella. While shifting the wood in my pants awkwardly and trying to be discreet about it, I noticed a gangly blonde sales guy eyefucking her.

_Don't make me come over there, Gangly Dude._

_I may look like a pretty little fairy, but I fight like a bad mother fucker._

Completely ignoring the stares of the stupid douche, she gathered three bottles, a large and small perfume along with a tube of perfumed lotion. Bella turned, dumping them on the counter with a few words to the clerk before she headed down another aisle.

I slipped off my jacket, trying on a light gray hoodie with the store logo sewn into the front. While skillfully directing the opening around my hair as I pulled it off, I realized she was standing just a few feet away…staring at my right bicep. "I didn't know you had a tattoo. What is…"

Abruptly, with my heart beating out of my chest, I pulled my shirt sleeve down far enough to completely cover the black ink. "Nothing…it's stupid. I should never have gotten it." I tossed the hoodie back into the neat pile in a heap, and I cringed, because it was almost committing the crime of all crimes in the mind of an anal retentive person to not put something back in its original proper condition. And also, because I snapped at her yet again.

I did not want her to see the ink on my arm; a constant reminder of the night my life abruptly changed as well as they way my old life was, and the person I used to be.

Hint taken and tattoo temporarily forgotten, Bella said, "I like the green one. The color makes your eyes look…gaspy." She smiled, and looked down at the sweatshirt.

_Gaspy?_

I suppose that was compliment. I didn't normally wear things so casual, but the winter was coming and it would be fuck all cold smoking and watching a certain beautiful girl from my balcony. I looked at her nervously touching each of the sweatshirts, with an almost blush on her face.

"Yeah?" I said, "So, you like the color green?"

"You have no idea how much I like the color green." She bit her lip flirtatiously looking at me under her lashes before she skirted away suddenly, toward a display of hats and gloves. Noticing Jasper on the other side of the store flirting shamelessly with a blonde salesgirl, I scooped up a hoodie, green of course, and followed her.

While I was no authority in relationships, sexual experiences, or even girls as a whole, I was adept to recognize that she was trying to tell me something.

_I think Bella is trying to tell me she likes me. Is it at all possible?_

I watched in silent awe as Bella slipped on a newsboy hat, gray with a little bow on the band. Her lips were pursed as she admired herself in the mirror, and I imagined that was the face she put on at night when she tried on her outfits. She looked fucking adorable in it, but I didn't really know how to say so without sputtering and vomiting all over her shoes.

"What do you think?" she asked. "My mom bought me a little pea coat this would look so cute with, but I'm not sure if it is the same shade of gray."

I laughed out loud, because I too had a gray pea coat. She switched to a soft black beret with a small rose on the thick band. "Too French?" she asked.

I shook my head, no. "It goes with your stupid erasers. I like them both. Look, there are gloves too." I pulled the matching gloves off the shelf, carefully handing them to her. She slipped one on her tiny hand, the other hanging still attached by the tag.

Bella turned back, reaching on her tip toes to pull a hat off a higher shelf. It was a white baseball hat, imprinted with a non descript hunter green design. Still on her toes, she held the hat by the brim, moving to place it on my head. The soft hanging glove brushed my cheek. Instinctively, I flinched backward a few inches.

"Don't worry," she said softly, as she held the hat paused in mid air. "I won't touch you." Stunned by her words, and even more so by her observation, I moved back toward her tentatively as she placed the baseball hat on my head. She pursed her lips as she cocked her head to the side, before she reached back up, sliding the brim around to the back.

"Perfect," she whispered. As her wrist passed my nose, I realized at that moment, she was so damn close to me, never touching my skin or hair, but close enough to feel her body heat and smell the freshly sprayed perfume on her warm skin. Our mouths were inches apart, and it took all the restraint I had not to lean forward to brush my lips against hers. And I was hard again.

Jasper called out, "Hey guys, you almost done. I'm starving."

I quickly checked my hair in the mirror making sure it still was in its organized chaos while thinking almost obsessively about the fact that Bella had noticed I didn't allow her to touch me. It fucking ate at me, because she thought I didn't want her to, as she had no idea that it was because I couldn't. How the fuck was I going to tell her the truth about me?

The three of us waited on line to pay for our items as we decided sushi was the most appealing of the dinner options. I warred with myself about paying for Bella's hat and gloves and the perfumes she had behind the counter, but I thought it would be weird and awkward, so I didn't. I purchased the green hoodie and the baseball hat for myself, and I took Bella's small bag from her, slipping it into my larger shopping bag. If I couldn't hold her hand, or slip my arm around her waist, I could hold her bags.

It was something a boyfriend would do.

It was a start.

We got about halfway down the main aisle of the mall when I tossed my keys to Jasper, telling them both that I forgot something and to wait in the car for me. I hightailed it back to The Gap, pulling the bottle of Bella's lotion that I had memorized the name of off the shelf and the black beret and gloves she'd decided against because she didn't have enough money on her. Lastly, I grabbed a small hunter green hoodie, just like the one I had bought for myself. I paid quickly, dashing outside before I tucked my purchases into the trunk and slid into my already warmed up car.

Hopefully, at some point I would find a way to give the things to her, as a simple token of the affection that I was not able to give to her physically. And hopefully, she wouldn't think I was insane for doing it.

Everything that is, except the perfumed lotion…

That was mine...

**~%~**


	10. Chapter 10 Moved but Untouched

**Thank you to Becca for super fast beta'ing and to Suzy for dealing with this long ass chapter.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 10~ ****Moved but ****Untouched**

**And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now  
And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am **

**Goo Goo Dolls~ Iris  
**

**~Bella~**

_You are a freak_

Four little perfectly scrawled words written in hot pink ink on a yellow post it note under the guise of a slice of cheese. It could have said, _Will you marry me?_ and it would have had equal significance. I knew he was teasing me, because yes, having a pickle pen and a coordinating hamburger pad with matching eraser fries was a bit odd for a sixteen year old girl to possess. But, as I traced the indentations the pen made on the little square of paper, I knew that each day that passed, I fell deeper and deeper for this odd boy with his neatness and his foul mouth and his perfectly messy yet strategically styled hair and his fantastic sideburns. It was truly amazing how something as commonplace as sideburns could become so unbelievably fascinating when adorned by my beautiful boy.

I graciously offered him the use of my pickle pen.

He politely declined.

It was probably the world's most lame attempt at assessing a person's sexuality, but for some reason, I thought if he were gay, then he would enjoy using something phallic to write with such as my ridiculous pickle pen.

Okay, so I am a fucking idiot and the worse homosexuality detective in the history of the universe.

Note to self...have Gaydar checked next time I have my oil changed.

In Edward's car, I'd asked him if he was sure he wanted me to accompany them to Port Angeles, because I saw how he instantly became irritated at the thought of my presence. It bothered me very much, and I couldn't figure out why he was so weird with me…as if he were bipolar or something.

His car was frighteningly clean, granted it was only a few months old. New car smell was brought to a whole other level in this baby, and there was a mix of leather and Edward that was startlingly arousing. There wasn't a speck of dirt on the mats, or dust on the dash, and the whole inside was black leather and shiny tortoise shell- not the easiest surfaces to conceal dust on. Not that I expected anything less, really. The car was incredibly sexy too…nothing unmasculine about it.

Once we arrived in Port Angeles we shed our coats in the car, as it was cumbersome to wear while shopping and headed out to our respective destinations. I had waved goodbye, bidding Edward fun at his piano lesson and walked off with Jasper into the mall. I truly did enjoy Jasper's company, even if he was a bit handsy and overtly flirtatious. And that only irked me because if Alice were to observe his behavior toward me, she would be crushed. She was my best friend and I couldn't, and wouldn't do that to her. So I told him basically to back the hell off, after he threw his arm around me, and whispered something naughty in my ear. I liked a little dirty talk as much as the next girl except I kept thinking to myself that his voice was no the one I longed to hear whispering those things to me.

We were in the bookstore when it happened, meandering along the aisles. I was looking for something new and light to read perhaps something along the lines of a romance with a bit of soft core porn in it to sort of quell the aching in my girlie parts. Jasper disappeared into the magazine aisle thrumming through the music magazines. I joined him, picking up a Seventeen Magazine with a picture of a very pretty and unusually natural looking Britney Spears dressed in only an oversized white button-down shirt. When I replaced it back onto the shelf, Jasper snickered and muttered something under his breath. When I asked him to repeat what he said he replied, "I said, 'I should pick that up for Edward to whack off too.'"

I furrowed my eyebrows, asking, "Ewwww, he likes Britney Spears?"

_And he called me a freak. That girl was one pickle short of a full jar, plus did he not tell me he wasn't into blondes?_

Jasper laughed and said, "Hell no, he has a thing for men's white shirts…fucker thinks they are sexy or some shit."

_On girls…or boys?_

_Work with me here Jasper…is he a flaming butt pirate or what?_

I nodded, more confused than ever. While I stood contemplating whether or not to just come out and ask Jasper at that point if he were gay, Jasper leaned over and whispered into my ear.

"You know what I think is sexy?" His eyebrows rose suggestively, while a devilish grin spread across his mouth. I looked at him with an eyebrow cocked. "Red bras." He winked as his eyes glanced to the strap of the red lace bra peeking out from my shirt. His fingers looped underneath the strap, snapping back against my skin with a brief sting. I smacked him on the head hard.

"Jasper, stop that shit." I scowled at him, letting him know I didn't like it.

He held his hands up in defense, muttering, "Sorry. Didn't mean to offend."

"Just watch your hands, buddy. You can't just go around snapping bras straps and being so grabby. Not every girl is enamored by your charms, and one of these days, you are going to get slapped across the face." I looked away, feeling his eyes on me. When I turned back to him, his jaw was slack and he looked incredibly dejected. "Come on, didn't you say you wanted to get a shirt for the dance?" I tugged on his arm playfully forgiving him, but feeling badly about scolding him, which I knew shouldn't have felt guilty for.

I paid for my literary smut, earning a snicker from Jasper. "Teenage vampire porn? Nice."

Later, in the department store, I helped Jasper choose a dress shirt and tie. He told me he had asked Makenna to the dance earlier, but I already knew, because Alice had been distraught about the news upon overhearing it from Jessica. Alec had asked her the week prior, and she decided to go with him just for someone to go with. I told her to come by after work later and I'd give her something to wear, as I had plenty of cute dresses that I would likely never touch. Rose was going with some guy Jared, who apparently she had a thing with over the summer, but she said she only was going with him to piss off Emmett. She had a carefully laid out plan to make Em jealous, and I sincerely hope it didn't backfire on her. With all the discussion of the dance and festivities surrounding homecoming, it still made me disheartened about not going with Edward…not that he would have even asked me anyway.

_A girl can dream though, right?_

_Well, I definitely do enough fantasizing._

After Jasper paid for the shirt and tie, we sat on the bench by the fountain and shared a messy cinnamon sugar pretzel that Jasper declared was Edward's kryptonite. He said foods like cinnamon sugar pretzels Edward avoided like the plague. He would likely cower and run away from its untidy aftermath.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked with my mouth full, not bothering to wait for a confirmation to continue. "Why did you guys move to Forks from Chicago?"

Jasper paused eating, and took a sip of lemonade. "Uh well, a bunch of reasons, really. Some bullshit drama with Edward happened and my dad decided that it was time for some new scenery. My mom just really wanted us out of the city and into a small town where we could be less tempted to get into trouble." He looked at me with his eyebrow quirked, patting his pocket full of marijuana. "Little did she know?" I chuckled, hoping he would eventually elaborate on the part about Edward and the stuff happening.

"So why here, why Washington of all places?" I bit into a piece of pretzel, doing my best to chew daintily while cinnamon sugar shrapnel dusted my jeans.

"Well, actually it was sort of a fluke. On the same day my mom happened to read some article about rain and trees and like, picturesque greenery and shit having a calming effect on people, she saw the house up for sale on one of her designer's websites. She thought it would be good for Edward, and I guess for her too, now that I think about it. They flew out to see the house that weekend, and when they came home they said they bought it. We left Chicago a month later." He shrugged.

"Calming effect? Why would Edward and your mom need calming?" I asked impatiently, practically jumping out of my skin to find out.

"Well, Edward has sort of…shit, I shouldn't be telling you this…he'd fucking kill me." He looked apprehensive, but I suppose not enough to betray his loyalty to his brother when I looked down brushing my pants, pretending to have little interest. "Edward has…like, anxiety or whatever. And Chicago was just a rough place for him."

I looked at him in disbelief. "He has anxiety?"

"Uh…well he used to, not so much anymore." He eyed me warily, realizing maybe he had revealed too much.

"I guess the rain and the trees do work then. And, uh… your mom…she has anxiety too?" I pressed, wanting to get as much out of him before he closed up on me.

"Um, no. Mom and dad have been trying to have a baby for years. They thought moving would be good for that as well… maybe they thought rain and trees are good for baby making." He shrugged his shoulders with a weird, uncomfortable chuckle. "But I guess they were wrong on that theory, cause she's still not fucking pregnant." His expression was forlorn, as if he truly felt compassion for his mother.

"That's so sad," I replied genuinely, not really knowing what else to say. "Were they hoping for a girl?" I smiled, trying to lighten up Jasper's mood.

"Yeah right, that poor kid with us as older brothers? She'd never get a date." We laughed, tearing more pretzel apart. "I feel so bad for them, you know? Mom's had like, a bunch of Invitro and stuff, shots and drugs…and she eventually does get pregnant, but keeps losing the babies. There's a really great fertility specialist located in Seattle, which is another reason why they picked Forks." He looked down at his shoes, definitely appearing empathetic. I had never seen him so thoughtful before, usually he was sort of an insensitive asshole, always making fun of Edward and saying mean things about Alice. "Plus, Dad has close friends in Seattle, so they figured it was ideal. He started his practice in Port Angeles, and honestly, I think he's the only one that is really happy here."

"You aren't happy here?" I asked, my eyebrows knitting together.

He shrugged. "I don't love it, but I don't hate it either. I wasn't exactly happy in Chicago at the end either, so I guess it wouldn't have made a goddamn difference where the hell we went as long as it wasn't there."

I looked at him, sensing the sadness in his voice. "What happened?" I asked softly, hedging anxiously for as much information as I could get. I felt like a CIA agent interrogating my suspect with truth serum. Jasper would evidently be one shitty spy, that's for sure.

Jasper sighed, pressing his lips together. It was a long moment before he spoke, I was just about to apologize and tell him to forget it, when he said softly, "Her name is Emily. And she's fucking awesome. I loved her from the minute that I saw her. We went out for like eight months and …then all this shit happened and her stupid fucking parents wouldn't let her see me anymore. So after we broke up I came here willingly, cause it was too hard to look at her everyday and not be with her."

"Wow, I had no idea," I said, wondering if Alice ever even had a shot compared to this girl he spoke so fondly of. "Do you think that's why you are the way you are?" He cocked his eyebrow questioningly. "I mean why you're such a flirt? Maybe because you still aren't over her and it's easier to just be flirtatious and not make a commitment so you don't get hurt again?" I grimaced and shrugged a silent apology upon realizing his dumbfounded expression.

He looked at me incredulously while drawing his whole head back. "What am I on, Oprah?"

I laughed shrugging my shoulders again. "Sorry, just a guess. Never mind. But Emmett and Edward, are they unhappy too?"

"Well, Em doesn't really give a shit, as long as he's playing football. He's in a rush to go off to college and be on his own, anyway. And Edward, well…he's just…" Jasper huffed, his shoulders slumping forward, clearly frustrated by his younger brother. "Whatever…he's just fucking miserable no matter what..."

I whispered, "Why, Jasper?"

_Please tell me why Edward is the way he is…I have to know._

Jasper shook his head, as his lids closed. "It's a long fucking story."

_Oh, don't bail on me now._

Jasper remained silent, staring into the mall, clearly done talking. I dropped my head in defeat, but understanding entirely. "Does it have anything to with Edward not liking to be touched?"

Jasper's expression froze. He pursed his lips and said, "Ah, you noticed that, huh? He's uh… weird. Just fucking strange...you know…with his OCD and shit." Jasper fumbled with that lame explanation, quickly changing the subject. I knew there had to be more to it, Jasper wasn't exactly convincing in his explanation. "So, um…why did _you_ move back to Forks?" he asked with an eyebrow quirked, effectively changing the subject and putting me into the hot seat.

I shifted my dangling feet, tucking one underneath me. "I already told you…stuff happened and I left. It's not much of a story," I lied, pissed off at Jasper's abrupt end to our conversation. _Mental note… Google Edward Cullen._

"Then tell me if it's not a big deal," he remarked with wide eyes.

I huffed, slightly annoyed at having to rehash unpleasant details, while realizing I should probably reciprocate my share of the insightful information that Jasper offered. "My best friend's boyfriend …made a move on me and though I didn't accept his advances, she…didn't take it well…at all. She and my other 'friends' made my life really difficult, so I left when I couldn't take it anymore." I made air quotes around the word friends, because they most certainly were not my friends.

_Okay, so that was only half the story… but it seemed to be enough for now._

I shrugged my shoulders appearing indifferent, but the thought of it bothered the hell out of me. I couldn't even bring myself to say her name clicked his tongue. "Wow, girls really suck, huh?"

"Some of them, yeah," I laughed meekly. "But I'm happier here than I have been in a long time. It's nice to have friends that I know truly care about me, and would never hurt me over a stupid boy." I widened my eyes playfully. He smirked, taking the last bite of pretzel as I tilted it toward him.

As we stood, Jasper said, "Hey Bella listen…the shit I said about Edward and my mom. That's stays between you and me, okay?" I nodded, promising him not to betray his confidence. We tossed out our garbage, heading over to the newsstand to buy rolling papers.

While he was paying for them, I spotted a rack of novelty lighters and one in particular stood out. It was a little clear rectangular box filled with lighter fluid. When you pressed a button on the bottom, a burst of air shot out, pushing little colored balls into the fluid. The object was to try and get the balls nestled in the coordinating colored little half circles inside the chamber. I knew how Edward liked to play with his lighter, as well as how much he liked coordinating stuff, so I thought he would love an actual challenge.

It was almost four when Japer asked where I wanted to go next. "I need to go to the Gap for perfume," I mumbled, checking my phone.

"No, let's wait for Edward. I don't feel like hearing him bitch because we went there without him."

"Really, why's that?"

"Cause that store gives him a raging fucking hard on with all the color coordinated stacked shirts and neat piles and shit." I laughed, thinking he probably wasn't even kidding. I must admit I loved the visual.

We strolled into a little country western apparel store that was completely out of place in that mall. I could never figure out why any guy in Washington felt the need to wear boots and a cowboy hat. Were they hiding cattle ranges someplace that I had yet to find?

Jasper muttered something about hating country music, and country clothes and stupid fucking cowboy hats. Yet, he stood in front of a mirror, trying on silly fringed vests while he stuck his hands in his pockets pretending to pull out a gun, like in an old western. We played around trying on different styled hats and using really bad fake southern accents. A stupid song was playing that was now on constant repeat in my head; _Lord have mercy… baby's got her blue jeans on_… I wondered if that was one of the tunes they played to torture people outside that prison in Iraq? I know it made me want to take back things I didn't steal.

While I was trying my best to get the lyrics off of the iPod in my head I noticed a young couple over in the corner. She was picking out hats for him to try on. They were obviously very much in love, and when she stood on her toes to put on his hat, they nuzzled each other's noses before kissing. She would very lovingly sit one on his head…adjust it...then stand back to admire him. He in turn did the same thing except he would push her hair behind her ears as he adjusted his pick. Such simple gestures that showed so much love and tenderness.

Her hand lifted to touch his cheek, as his hand slid around her tiny waist before it slid into her jean pocket. It made my heart sad, knowing that Edward wouldn't touch me like that, and I would probably never get the chance to caress his face or touch him anywhere. In addition, I knew for certain, that I didn't want anyone else to be that for me. Gay or not, Edward was it.

Just as I was enviously admiring their relationship, my phone rang and Edward told us he'd be over in a minute. I saved his number, storing it under E while I smiled happily, thinking that it was the first time I had heard his voice over the phone. It sounded different, deeper, maybe even a little distressed.

I could see him enter the mall from a distance, his tall and lean physique perfect and stunning as his confident gait drew him progressively closer to me. My stomach fluttered and heat crept into my lower belly at the mere sight of his face. The country store had that awful song about the chick in blue jeans blasting from the speakers. A quick change from she to he, and it fit perfectly as Edward strutted toward us. Heads turned, jaws dropped, the song made perfect time with his stride.

_He can't help it if he's made that way__  
__He's not to blame if they look his way__  
__He ain't really trying to cause a scene__  
__It just comes naturally, no the boy can't help it_

I watched with amusement and admittedly, a bit of irritation as several heads turned when he passed, while he remained oblivious of his visually pleasing effect on the female species.

_Heaven help us, Baby's got his blue jeans on__  
__Lord have Mercy, Baby's got his blue jeans on_

"Hey Jasper, just out of curiosity…when Edward played baseball, what position did he play?" I asked, completely focused on Edward.

Jasper replied, "He was a pitcher, why?" I smiled, almost giddy.

"_Hey, Bella, a homerun is a gift from the pitcher. Have you ever kissed a pitcher"_

_No Edward, but you can bet your fine ass I'm going to._

But talk about mixed messages. I mean, what the hell was he telling me? God, boys were so damn confusing. I wish we could all just come out and say exactly what we meant without having to play games or be coy and mysterious. But then again, that was one of the main reasons why I was so attracted to Edward, because of his obscurity.

When he arrived, he looked somewhat disheveled, his eyes red and tired looking, his skin paler than usual. I felt badly that maybe his piano teacher must have worked him unbelievably hard and then I thought that it was so odd because really, how physically grueling could a simple piano lesson be? Maybe it was an emotional session? Either way, it was just strange for him to look out of sorts. Then again, it wasn't exactly like Edward Cullen was the picture of ordinary for anything.

I wanted desperately to run to him, wrap my arms around his neck and just hold him to me comforting him with my affections, but I was too afraid of the rejection following. I just couldn't help feeling like I needed to take all of his woes away. Edward had me enamored, with his pretty eyes and his stunning facial features that made my panties instantly wet. His jaw was the equivalent to hard core porn...to my virginal ass, anyway. I was mesmerized by him, wanting to uncover all of his mystery and his secrets and just tell him straight out that I wanted him to kiss me. But I wasn't that brave.

So in the Gap I decided that giving him subtle hints that I liked him would be the best way to get the message across effectively. Maybe it was even a last ditch effort to find out if he was gay. Actually, last ditch would have been if I had stripped down to my undies and invited him into the dressing room, which in all honestly I would have preferred.

But again, I noticed how he carefully handed me the gloves without touching me, and how he flinched back when I put the hat on his head. It had worked for the other couple I just witnessed, so I thought it would possibly work on him. Maybe he would be able to pick up on the tenderness of the gesture the way I had earlier. I told him I wouldn't touch him in a whisper, and his eyes went wide. He was definitely guarded after that, but he let me turn the hat backwards, which god almighty he looked so perfect and amazing at that moment. If I ever married him, I wanted him in a backward baseball hat and a tux. Okay, maybe not…maybe just completely naked.

Of course adding to the enigma, I learned that Edward had a tattoo. I noticed the horizontal band of black ink on his right arm coiled around the well developed cuts of his bicep. I couldn't make out exactly what it was, but the design appeared to be tribal and definitely intricate. The instinct to reach out and graze my fingertips over it was compelling, and I asked about it without even thinking that he would probably recoil, his guardedness taking the forefront. Edward pushed his sleeve down so fast it was a blur, hiding the markings from my sight. His reaction was perplexing to say the least and just fueled the fire for me to unravel all his mystery.

Edward had given me no indication as to his sexual orientation or whether he reciprocated my feelings. It was immensely frustrating, to say the least.

At dinner, we sat at a small table set into the floor with our shoes off and ordered a variety of sushi rolls which we split when they arrived at the table. Edward rolled his eyes as I proudly displayed my purple polka dot socks, wiggling my toes at him.

Watching Edward eat sushi was entertaining and absolutely fascinating. I watched in awe as he lined up eight rolls on his rectangular dish, perfectly spacing each one apart from the other. He had two of each kind, arranged across from each other, as he moved them around with his chopsticks, eventually putting his tiny bowl of wasabi soy sauce directly at the bottom of the plate. I had been forewarned in the car as to Edward's sushi ritual and Jasper smirked when he realized I was watching Edward intently.

Edward didn't even glance up when he said, "Stop fucking staring at me B, or I'll poke your eyes out with my chopsticks." He popped a roll in his mouth and smirked.

I laughed so hard, Sprite came out of my nose, choking me to tears. You could tell they were raised with a laid-back mom…neither one attempted to help with my choking, both just yelling, "Hands up!" as they raised their arms in a mock demonstration.

Edward was so fucking beautiful and so wonderfully weird.

As we ate, we chatted nonchalantly about nothing of real importance, laughing and smiling between bites and it was just really nice to be with my friends. At one point, despite the fact that I was quite proficient with the use of chopsticks, I lost the grip on my avocado roll and it splashed into the sauce. Wasabi, soy and ginger splattered all over Edward's wrist, coating his shiny silver bracelet. Jasper burst into laughter while I sat stunned, frozen in fear of Edward's reaction to getting him messy. His face turned slowly toward mine as I cowered in mock fear wearing a cringe.

I quickly dipped my napkin in my water glass in an attempt to wipe his arm clean as he watched with wide eyes before he pulled away. "I'm so sorry, E," I said in almost a whisper. He said nothing, and for a minute I really thought he was pissed. Expression blank, he snatched my wet napkin from my fingers, and removed his bracelet wiping it down before wiping his wrist off. He stuck his fingers in his water glass and suddenly, I felt a spray of water across my face as he flicked his wet fingers toward me. I shrieked, giggling as he continued to splash me, a playful smirk on his face.

A few restaurant patrons gave us dirty looks, but I didn't care as I knew Edward wasn't upset with me at all. I glanced up at him, as I fingered his bracelet. "May I?" I asked. Edward nodded, and I picked up the heavy silver chain in my hand, laying it across my palm. The initials _EAC_ were engraved in intricate writing across the shiny, smooth surface of the plate. A small engraving of a lion propped on its hind legs decorated one end, and on the other were three shamrocks. I looked at him questioningly.

"Anthony," Edward responded softly, answering my silent question as to what the initial A stood for. I repeated his full name quietly almost in awe.

"The lion and the clover are part of the Cullen family crest," Jasper added.

"This is beautiful. So masculine," I said, as I dropped carefully it into his open palm.

"Thank you. My father gave it to me when my adoption was final," he said almost reverently, as he clasped it back onto his clean wrist.

I remarked, "Oh, that's so nice. What a thoughtful thing to do. Your parents are great."

"Yeah, they are…thanks. They liked you too. Said you were endearing or some shit." Edward laughed, popping another roll into his mouth. I rolled my eyes.

"Endearing? I endured the meatballs of death for endearing? Hell, I'm fantastic and beautiful and charming and witty, not to mention intelligent and…"

Edward interrupted, "Arrogant, conceited, vain, self important, smug…need I go on?" He snickered and I smacked the air near his head, causing him to lean over to the side away from me. The sudden movement made him to drop his roll right into his soy sauce, splattering the front of his shirt with brown specks. He groaned, tossing his napkin down in defeat as Jasper and I laughed uncontrollably.

"See what you get when you condescend?" I asked snidely, pointing to the mess.

"Yeah, you owe me a shirt," he responded flatly.

"Okay," I said, lifting up the hemline of my top minutely, as if I were going to give it to him right off my back. "But I don't think this is gonna fit." They both looked at me in disbelief apparently having no idea if I was kidding or not. Jasper raised his eyebrows suggestively, and Edward stared at me blankly.

I smoothed the hem of my shirt down replying snarkliy, "Oh, you both wish."

_Well, I knew at least Jasper did._

When we finished eating, the boys insisted on taking care of the bill and we headed home. I realized that it was the first time in a week that I had spent time with them outside of school, not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and it was really nice to have just hung out with them.

That evening, when I got home, I spent some time with Charlie watching television before I headed up to my room. At the computer, I sat in front of the search page of Google staring blankly at it for what seemed like a good hour. I felt terribly wrong for doing it, and the second I typed in Edward Cullen, my heart raced out of my chest and I began to sweat profusely. I couldn't quite decipher if the nerves were because I felt so guilty for delving into his past, or if it was because I was afraid of what I might find out. I mean, did I really want to know about his past girlfriends?

However, my fears were squashed when the only things that came up were some medical related pages on Dr. Cullen, Esme's old design website, and a few articles about Emmett from his old school in Chicago. Not a thing about Edward.

I was infinitely disappointed, but completely relieved at the same time. I needed to know about him, but I thought that the fair thing would be for me to wait until he offered up the information, instead of me searching the internet for details of Edward's past. I mean, what if he went snooping about me? Surely he would be horrified at what he would find without a clear explanation to back it.

I realized that the closer I got to this boy, the more I got to know him, the more I desperately wanted him. With that came the notion that if he didn't want me, I would be terribly, incredibly, impossibly heart broken.

I lay in bed that night, thinking about Edward's pretty eyes and his perfect face and imagined myself in the dressing room at The Gap, in nothing but underwear. I saw Edward peeking his face in the door, asking if I needed help, and I grabbed his shirt pulling him toward me with force. In my bed, I slipped my hand down into my pajama pants, underneath my panties and found my spot, wet and swollen. Lightly grazing my middle finger over the bud, my body surged with tension and little sparks of pleasure as I rubbed the area while in my head, Edward pressed me against the wall of the dressing room. He wrapped his fingers around my knee as he hitched it over his thigh, moving the fabric of my undies away. I felt his fingers dance along my folds, and my own did the same in time with my fantasy. "Love me, E," I whispered into the night. He kept kissing my neck as his fingers pushed inside of me, his other hand dipping under the cup of my bra, teasing my nipple. I moaned out loud, as I pinched my own nipple imagining it was Edward's fingers. I rubbed my clit faster and faster until I felt my toes curling and my whole body tensing and then seizing up in almost orgasm as it faded off and I lost it…again.

Afterward, I said my prayers usual.

_Dear God,_

_Please watch over the less fortunate and give all the people in the south a new style of hat, because cowboy hats are stupid looking. While you're at it, give them some new music options too, because some of their songs are just plain silly. Please bless Mom, Dad, Phil, Maggie, Carlisle, Esme, Angela, Ben, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, and of course, Edward. Please forgive me for Googling Edward, because while I know it was wrong, it would have been nice to have found out a little something about him. And forgive me for touching myself, but I totally couldn't help it. I don't know if you can do this or if this is part of your otherworldly powers, but if you can send Edward a kiss goodnight from me, I would really appreciate it. Oh, and see what you can do about giving Esme and Carlisle a baby, because they really, really deserve one._

_Amen._

I whispered sweet dreams to Edward, before snuggling up under my covers. I slept well that night, dreaming of stunning green eyes and country songs about pretty boys in blue jeans.

On Friday night, it was pouring so badly that we knew no one would be hanging out at the beach. My mother's packaged arrived full of clothes for Alice that afternoon, and I swear, she was more excited that one could ever imagine, jumping and squealing in delight. But when she hugged me, I knew it meant more to her than just having new clothes. She was happy to have me back in her life again which I couldn't even bring myself to tell her how much that sentiment was reciprocated.

She tried on a bunch of cute dresses from my closet and decided on a strapless black bubble dress that was really flattering and made her boobs look enormous. As happy as she was to be going to the dance, she didn't have to say aloud how upset she was about not going with Jasper…it was just a given.

Rosalie came over later with pizza and a movie, which we watched with my dad and Maggie. Afterward, we all played Cranium and laughed our asses off for hours after at my father imitating a ballerina on his turn at charades. The three of us were all admittedly disappointed that we weren't able to see our boys in the light of a fire at the beach, but frequent glances out the living room window at three unmoving cars told us that the Cullen brothers had stayed home as well.

Saturday afternoon turned out to be a gorgeous day, the sun shining with just a hint of a chill in the air. The game started just after noon, and the girls and I headed over to the packed stadium dressed in school colors with heavy blankets draped over our arms. We looked for a row of empty seats, and I spotted Edward immediately after scanning the bleachers, my heart beating like humming bird wings.

Edward was wearing the green sweatshirt he bought looking deliciously rebellious and totally anti school spirit as the colors were blue and gold. On his head, was the baseball hat we bought…and it was backward. I felt my knees go weak, and I turned away from him as to not pass out or call any unnecessary attention to myself. He was up pretty high, seated next to his mom and dad on one side and Jasper on the other. Makenna, Lauren and Jessica were sitting next to Jasper, waving pom poms and flags.

There was empty space on the row of seats in front of them, but I didn't want to be presumptuous and just assume they weren't saved. My phone rang in my purse, and when I pulled it out it was Edward. I almost pissed myself when I spotted the caller ID.

He said he had saved us seats, but didn't know if Alice would be comfortable sitting there with Jasper and Makenna. I thought it was sweet for him to have considered that, and Alice said she didn't care, that she was resigned to living a life without Jasper, so what the hell. I could tell she obviously wasn't happy about it at all, but there really was no where else to sit.

Edward's smile swelled my heart immensely, and it was if I could actually feel the warmth radiate from him as our proximity increased. My heart raced impossibly quick as each step up I grew closer and closer to him. Our gazes met briefly, and I was so mesmerized by his smile that I tripped on the step. Thankfully, Rosalie caught me before I knocked my teeth out and muttered something about me getting my eyes off of Edward's peen long enough to make it up a flight of stairs. I hadn't been looking at his crotch until she mentioned it, and then I couldn't stop looking at it.

We all greeted Carlisle and Esme warmly as they returned the sentiment. I loved that Edward and Jasper sat with their parents. Most kids wouldn't want to be caught dead with their mom and dad at a school function, but I suppose the Cullen's weren't ordinary parents. When I introduced Rosalie to them, she shook both of their hands and turned to me discreetly mouthing _holy shit is he hot. _I heard Edward whisper to Esme that Rose was the girl Emmett liked.

"Hey," I said, sitting directly in front of him as the girls sat surrounding me. We draped the old quilt on our laps, relishing in the warmth. Alice sat next to me as far away from Makenna and Jasper as she could, while muttering derogatory things about Makenna.

Edward leaned forward playfully whispering, "Hey Spaz." His smirk was my kryptonite.

I melted a little before I rolled my eyes waving my finger at him. "Remember the last time you made fun of me? You wouldn't want to ruin that shirt too, would you?"

"Yeah, and you still owe me a fucking shirt, you know." He stared straight ahead with no emotion on his face. I turned back around to see the smirk again, and god I needed this boy to touch me. Esme smacked him on the arm telling him to watch his language in front of a young lady. I narrowed my eyes at the exchange. His mother was fine to touch him and so were Jasper and Emmett, but not me. That bothered me.

The parade floats and homecoming court riding in the back of a truck moved around the oval track, the nominees and the cheerleaders waving and cheering. Emmett was amongst them, with his date to the dance, Kim, sitting proudly on his lap decked out in her Pom Squad uniform. Rose's fists balled up and her fingers dug into my thigh, while I whispered soothing words to her. It wasn't working. She broke a nail and that made her even more pissed. Jared waved to her from the float, as he was also a nominee. Rose, deciding to make a show of it, stood up, waving and blowing kisses to him. Emmett was obviously bothered by this, as his expression was clearly altered. He wrapped his arms around Kim tickling her and laughing as she squealed. Rose sat back down, with the faint hint of tears welling in her eyes. She lay her head on my shoulder and I kissed her hair.

As the game went underway, I couldn't pay close attention to any of the action because I was concentrating on Edward behind me. Not that I actually gave a crap about football, really. My body was hyperaware of his proximity- I could feel his warmth, and smell his scent and it was intoxicating, and incapacitating. I felt like a silly little girl giggling at my crush behind me.

I got a kick out of every time his mom or dad or Jasper yelled excitedly when Emmett ran a few yards with the ball. Edward remained enthusiastic but quiet, just choosing to laugh a lot. I tried my hardest not to turn and look back at him, though I really wanted to. Every now and then, his Nike's would accidentally brush my thigh when he placed his foot on the seat next to me. He would muter an apology, and I was sad about it. I wanted nothing more than for him to snuggle under the blanket with me and lace his fingers through mine, leaning over to whisper things in my ear. But I couldn't shake the feeling that was never going to happen.

We continued to watch the game all laughing and cheering as Emmett threw for 2 touchdowns and our safety intercepted another running it back for a touchdown. We were ahead 21-7 when Emmett lead the team into the locker room for half time. Edward had excused himself just prior to head to the concession stand and before I knew it was back with hot cups of cocoa for everyone…even the bitch crew.

Esme looked at him oddly and asked, "Since when did you start drinking cocoa?" Edward shrugged, blowing off her question. I had to chuckle to myself since she was completely in the dark about her son's chocolate addiction.

After halftime and the worst performance of kick line routine ever, some of the clouds shifted, letting long, bright rays of sun scatter onto the field. The massive ball of orange fire in the sky had inconveniently decided, today of all days, to make an appearance in Forks.

I couldn't see anything in the field because of the glare and the white dots floating in my line of vision from squinting. I shielded my eyes from the intense light with my hand, realizing that I had forgotten my sunglasses in the car. Edward shifted behind me and every now and then, his knees would slightly rub across my back as he adjusted his long legs. At one point he had both feet up on the bleachers on either side of me. What I wouldn't have given to be able to lean back and rest my elbows on his long thighs.

The scent of his shampoo and his cologne tinged with a hint of cigarette and chocolate twirled around in my nose. I could have just sat there and inhaled him the rest of the day and it would have been wonderful. His scent grew intensely potent as he leaned forward whispering, "Here." His baseball hat slipped on my head, warm and smelling of Edward's shampoo or his hair gel or whatever…it was absolutely amazing.

I turned, noticing his mother's gleaming grin as he ran his hands through his locks, making them even more chaotic. Alice and Rose both gave me odd looks while they rolled their eyes. Edward pulled a pair of sunglasses out of the pocket of his hoodie and gave me my favorite smirk as he slipped the glasses on his face. I adjusted the brim of the hat remembering the couple from the mall. Would he have wanted to tuck the hair behind my ears? What was holding him back?

Shortly after that both his feet again were on either side of me like protective bookends keeping me from toppling over. And his crotch was right behind me.

By the end of the game, the sun disappeared and it became much colder than we were used to. Emmett got us one more touchdown as he lead the team to victory. Forks High Spartans managed to defeat the Port Angeles Mountain Lions 28-21, with a touchdown by Emmett in the last 5 seconds of the game. The win sent the boys into a fit of triumphant dances and mass hugging while the pissed off Mountain Lions sulked off the field. It was practically a guarantee that Emmett would be Homecoming King.

Proud of her man, but too damn stubborn to admit it, Rose wore the most beautiful smile on her face as Emmett looked up to the stands. She quickly turned it into a scowl when she saw him gaping at her. It was obviously killing her to go to the dance with someone else, but as she stated, her plan was guaranteed to work.

From across the field, Emmett made a motion of his hand holding an eating utensil and brought it up to his mouth. Edward chuckled and looked at me. I was utterly confused. "What?" he laughed, "you don't know the universal sign for _lets go for ice cream_? I have a sudden urge for chocolate syrup myself."

As the crowd rose to depart the bleachers, I stood and turned to face Edward. He was still wearing sunglasses, which I might note looked fabulous on him. I removed the hat from my head, gently placing it back on his with a smile. He didn't flinch back this time, just bowed his head forward accepting the hat back. My whole body trembled as I bid him, "Thank you," and I truly wondered why he hadn't kissed me yet, or if he was ever going to.

In my periphery, his mother bit her lip, and looked away quickly while smiling. I sort of eyed her wondering what it was about, but it seemed the whole damn family was weird, so why not her too?

The decision was made to meet at the Friendly's Ice Cream in town because apparently Emmett was known for wanting his Reeses Cup Sundae after a game. We all waited for him to emerge from the locker room before taking the short drive into town in our respective cars. We were seated at a large round table with Esme and Carlisle together and the rest of us scattered around looking awkward and uncomfortable. Who the hell thought this was a good idea?

Jasper and Makenna sat across from Alice and I, Rose and Emmett were across from each other, and Edward ended up next to me. Though Makenna came along, her bitch crew decided to stay back in Forks to get ready for the dance and I was silently thanking the ice cream gods for that since it was awkward enough as it was. The uncomfortable tension in the air was palpable. The only facial expressions were glowers and glares and the occasional uncomfortable smile and eye roll. Oh and Carlisle's gleaming white teeth, obviously unknowing about his children's angsty drama. Yeah, this was going to be fun.

When the waitress brought our orders, all the boys including Carlisle, eagerly dove into their three course meals with the works earning a disapproving glower from Esme.

Then in the midst of quiet, Carlisle made the mistake only a completely in the dark father could make. "So guys, everyone ready for the big dance tonight?" Esme choked on her coffee, Edward dropped his fork with a startling clang, and Rose snorted at Emmett who glared right back at her. Alice looked down at her sundae and started to rip her napkins to shreds while Jasper kept eating. And I… well, I looked at the beautiful boy sitting next to me who was now cursing and wiping the ketchup off his new sweatshirt. Makenna was the only one oblivious to the situation, but she had her eyes fixed across the table on Edward and truthfully, I wanted to reach over the surface to gauge her pretty eyes out.

_Mine._

We ate in relative uncomfortable silence, a few mutterings from Alice, until the waitress asked if anyone wanted anything else. In unison, everyone uttered, "No, thank you," and she began clearing empty plates.

"Well, we should probably get going soon. I have a hair appointment." Alice said coolly.

I looked at Alice incredulously, "I thought I was doing …" Rose kicked my leg way too hard, causing me to yelp. Emmett shot her a look that could kill.

"Yeah, well…I have to go pick up my shirt. It's blue because Kim likes blue…" Emmett remarked with a sarcastic edge to his tone. His eyes narrowed at Rosalie, who just gave him a loud agitated huff while she picked at her ice cream.

"Emmett, what happened to the shirt I bought you yesterday?" Esme asked, completely confused. Emmett glared at her grumbling something incoherent, while Makenna smiled brightly.

"I got my dress at JC Penney's. And my mom's friend is letting me borrow a purse," Makenna said matter of factly.

Esme looked at her with sympathy muttering, "That's great, sweetie," while Rose uttered a very disdainful, "Penney's?"

Feeling so badly for her random ness and for Rose's apparent sense of superiority, I said, "That's great Makenna." Makenna smiled across the table at Edward, who looked down into his plate.

"My dress is from LA." Alice held her head up proudly, exuding an air of definite snootiness.

Jasper said acidly, "Right Xanax, like you went to LA. My shirt is from Italy, doesn't mean I went there to get it."

"No idiot, Bella's mom sent it to me from there," Alice snapped.

"Yeah well, my tie is silk… I flew to China to get it last night," Emmett said sarcastically, his mouth full of food.

Rose snorted as Makenna looked at Emmett in disbelief. "Really? Did you know that over a thousand silk worms are needed to make one inch of silk?"

"Uh, no I did not, but thanks for the trivia, Makenna," Emmett rolled his eyes as we all muttered words at her randomness.

"So very interesting, Makenna," Alice snapped.

Edward was just looking back and forth at the exchange with his bottom lip in his teeth, doing his best to not explode into laughter. It became impossibly more uncomfortable as the eye rolling, tongue clicking and audible 'tfffs' were exponentially increased.

Carlisle leaned over and whispered to Esme, "Me-Me...what the hell is going on?"

Esme smiled at him sweetly, replying in a whisper that only Edward and I were in earshot of. "Shhhhhh. Just sit back and watch… this is going to get interesting. I'll step in if food starts to get thrown."

Carlisle protested quietly, "But Me-Me…"

She held her hand up and whispered lovingly, "Shut it, Honey."

From across the table, the animosity increased as Emmett said, "Hey Rose, looks like you broke a nail."

Ignoring them, Edward smiled at me gesturing to his plate, "French fry?" I snatched one up after drenching it in the little bowl of ketchup set on the side of his plate, because the freak had to have his ketchup separated from the rest of his food in a confined area.

Rosalie replied to Emmett curtly, "No shit Sherlock."

Emmett retorted, "How did you do that?"

"Why do you care?" she snapped.

"Truthfully, I don't."

Rosalie spat, "Then why did you bring it up…to make me feel like shit…to bring attention to it? Maybe if I didn't _wait so long_ to have them manicured, they wouldn't have broken. Now I have to go to a _different salon_ to have my _needs taken care of_ properly." Something told me they were no longer discussing fingernails.

Emmett scoffed grumbling under his breath, as Rosalie discreetly gave him the finger…the one that happened to have the broken nail was her middle.

"Real classy, Rose," Emmett spat.

"Oh like you would know anything about class." Rose shot him daggers across the table. "Because Kim is the queen of class, isn't she?"

"Well if I win Homecoming king, then she'll be my queen," he mused.

Makenna smiled cheerily, "I saw the queen of England on TV this morning!" We couldn't figure out if the poor girl was just dying to be a part of the conversation or if she was really that dimwitted.

Edward rolled his eyes at me, bowing his head. He whispered, "Wow."

I stole another fry from him, as Alice muttered, "What a fucking idiot."

Esme said again, "That's great sweetie," patting Makenna's hand.

Edward and I continued to laugh under our breath at the whole thing while we shared fries. While the hostile banter continued, Edward dipped a fry in ketchup, handing it to me. I bit it out of his hand, and he flinched, "Watch the fingers!" He dipped another fry, moving to hand it to me, except that he snatched the fry in his own mouth, teasing me. He dipped another, playfully shoving it into his mouth before I could get it. Honestly, it was the cutest thing ever, though no one was paying attention to us but Makenna and Esme. Makenna's incessant staring was really getting on my nerves.

I grabbed the plate of fries, sliding it in front of me. Edward snatched my barely touched ice cream, sliding it in front of him, and dug into it with his spoon, laughing. Esme watched with amusement, while poor Carlisle, sat with his spoon paused at his lips watching with wide eyes at the odd hormone fueled exchanges that were taking place in from to him.

"Bella, what are you wearing tonight?" Makenna asked suddenly. I looked up at her startled, with a fry hanging out of my mouth.

"Uh, I'm not going," I said, simply.

"Oh why not, don't you like dances?"

With a completely straight face, Edward deadpanned, "No Bella, hates dances. Someone threw a bucket of pig's blood on her head at the last one she went to." Carlisle choked on his ice cream, while Esme patted his back with a snicker.

"Wow, Really? That's terrible!" Makenna remarked in awe. Apparently, she never saw the movie _Carrie._

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "It was awful. Bad memories." I laughed to myself thinking that little did any of them know how close I actually did come to having a Carrie prom moment.

"I'm so glad we aren't going," Edward whispered, leaning over toward me. "Too much fucking drama." I nodded, thinking the exact opposite. Though I was glad I wasn't dealing with the bullshit that my friends were going through currently, I really would have liked to have gone. For a brief moment before Edward said anything, I even thought about asking him if he would go with me last minute. But he had said, "we" like we were one, a couple, not "I", and that made me happy for a split second.

Jasper began to whisper into Makenna's ear, while she giggled, explaining to her the movie reference. Alice huffed angrily, and stood abruptly, causing the table to bounce and glasses of water to sway and overflow as everyone stared up at her. "We have to go. I have to go to the post office to pick up a package." She looked straight at Jasper, her glare downright evil. "Special online order… from Victoria's Secret…lingerie."

Jasper looked straight at her, narrowing his eyes, he slipped his arm around Makenna's shoulders deliberately. "They sell training bras at Victoria's Secret?" Alice mouthed, "Fuck you," to Jasper, and we all sort of sat mouths agape at Alice's sudden brazenness. When Alice found her balls, I do not know, but I was glad she finally did.

"Hey, I bought my mom a sweater off of EBay last year for her birthday!" Makenna chimed, like a five year old.

Edward muttered, "Oh for the love of god…"

Esme patted her hand again, "That's nice, sweetie."

I stood understanding my cue to leave, digging into my purse for bills to pay for the ice cream. Carlisle sat back in his chair with a toothy grin. "Oh, no…we've got this, girls. Dinner and a show, and totally worth it." It was the first movement I had seen him make since we started eating.

"Yeah, I gotta head out too. Have to swing by the florist to pick up a corsage…_Roses,"_ Emmett said, smirking at Rosalie.

Rosalie pushed up her boobs, flinging her long blonde locks behind her shoulder. She sauntered over to Esme, extending her hand out in gratitude. Then without breaking eye contact with Emmett, Rose bent down to place a kiss on Carlisle's cheek. "Thanks for lunch, Dr. Cullen."

_So fucking awkward._

She turned, disappearing down the aisle as we all stared in disbelief at Dr. Cullen, who was completely red faced with his mouth hanging open. Esme was hysterical next to him, covering her mouth to stifle her laughter. She leaned into her husband, whispering, "Breathe, Honey," as she removed the spoon that was frozen in mid air from his fingers.

"Hey, listen, B," Edward said as he stood. I looked up at him hoping he wasn't about to do anything to make the situation even more awkward that in was. "Since the party is only a few blocks from our houses, do you want to maybe, walk over there…together?"

Tongue tied and elated, I nodded my head about a hundred times, before I sputtered, "Um…yeah, well sure, okay, that's great…walking...together…awesome."

_Dear God, stop laughing at me and just kill me now._

Edward quirked an eyebrow at my sudden incapacity to for a coherent sentence. Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted his hat hanging off the back of his chair. I swiped it, placing it on my head, before I thanked the Cullen's for lunch as Alice linked her arm through mine.

When we were almost at the entrance where Rose was waiting with her arms crossed, I turned when Edward called my name. "Hey Bella, be ready by ten, okay? And I want my hat back."

I shook my head, batting my eyelashes. "I guess now I owe you a shirt and a hat." He stood in the aisle, his eyes blazes of green, smirking and nodding his head in agreement. The girls slipped out ahead of me, and I placed my fingers to my lips, blowing Edward a quick kiss. His smirk never left his face as he caught the air, before shoving his hand into his pocket with a roll of his eyes.

I was absolutely giddy with the confirmation that he did indeed save my kiss the last time. That boy took my heart first and then my kiss, and placed it protectively into his front pocket…so close to where I wanted to be…

"Bella, stop staring at Edward's crotch." Rose whispered, as she pulled me out the front door.

**~%~**

We stopped at the drug store, the post office, and the nail salon before heading home to shower. I got ready fairly quickly, throwing on my favorite dark jeans, a cute little black top that was low cut enough to just show a bit of cleavage and my black stiletto boots with the pointy toes. I left my hair down, curling it in to big lose waves, slapped on a little makeup, and headed over to Alice's armed with my beauty arsenal.

I said hello to her mom, catching up with her quickly before running up the stairs to see Alice. She was in her bathrobe, pacing. She was so nervous, and still a bit hostile from earlier. She took a quick swig of a small bottle of vodka she had stashed in her drawer wincing as it went down. I took a swig as well, hissing at the burn in my throat. Once the iron was hot, I curled her long hair as she requested, but by the time I finished applying her makeup, the curls had all fallen out of her fine hair. I teased it instead, puffing the top part up and pulling the rest back into a ponytail. A glittery headband over her silky locks made it perfect. Together, we slipped the dress over her head and laughed at the giant red kiss print she had on the butt of her black boy shorts.

We talked about the game and the complete debacle that was lunch, and she mentioned that she was having second thoughts about Edward being gay. Alice insisted that he was being flirtatious with me, sharing his fries and giving me his hat at the game. But then she suggested he may be bi, not necessarily gay, and I groaned, taking another swig of her vodka.

"I am proud of you Al," I said, changing the subject. She peered down at me questioningly, as I fastened the strap of her shoe around her ankle. "For standing up to Jasper today. I don't know why you let him talk down to you at all."

"I don't know either. He just makes me so nervous, and I go shooting my mouth all over the place whenever I'm near him."

"You didn't today," I remarked.

"Yeah, that's because I was so mad. How the hell can he like that nimrod Makenna, over me? She's got an IQ of a snail."

I shrugged. "She's easy? I don't know, Alice. Jasper can be really sweet for the most part, but he can also be a big dick when he wants to be. Maybe Jasper's not even right for you...maybe you should just consider dating Alec."

"No, Alec knows I don't like him like that. I mean he's cute and everything, but we fool around because it's comfortable…and there's no pressure. He's in love with Jane anyway."

"Jane? Lunch table Jane?" I asked in disbelief. She was attractive and if I thought about it, she and Alec did make a cute couple, but I never saw the girl outside of the cafeteria.

"Yeah, her parents are really strict. Her sister got pregnant when she was like fifteen, so they don't let Jane go to parties or dances or date at all. I feel bad for her actually. Alec and I are essentially using each other until we both get who we want." She tugged on the ankle strap and lifted her foot to admire the shoe. "Regardless of the fact that he is a complete douche sometimes, I am crazy about Jasper, Bella. Just like you are crazy for Edward." She looked up at me forlorn.

"Alright, well if you're going to continue pining for Jasper, then at least make him stop calling you Xanax." I said, brushing out her long ponytail. I spritzed some more hairspray on her head and stood back to admire my work.

She shook her head no. "Bella, I know it's derogatory, but at least he's calling me something." I looked at her questioningly before I realized what it meant. "I'm not like you and Rose. You are both gorgeous and stylish and you know how to flirt…I'm just sweet little Alice Brandon. Boring and plain," she scowled. I tugged her up by the shoulders, facing her toward the mirror.

"Well, you're not so sweet or boring tonight." Alice smile brightly at the reflection in the mirror. She looked stunning. With her hair back like that and her eyes smoky, she looked older, sophisticated and rather sexy. Alice's arms squeezed tightly around my waist in gratitude, just as the door bell rang. Peering out her window, I asked, "Little blue car?" She nodded confirming that it was Alec and we descended the stairs. I said hello to Alec, and good bye to Alice, wishing them both a good time.

It was only just after eight as I crossed the street back toward home. I was a little saddened by watching Alice and Alec, and I think the few swigs of alcohol had gotten to me. I wanted a cigarette, and debated on going to Edward's to ask him for one, but I didn't want to seem overly eager. He was coming to get me in two hours. Technically it wasn't a date, since it was only walking to a party a block away, but it was something, and we were doing it together.

I waved to Emmett who was in his driveway, sliding into his freshly washed black Range Rover. He was dressed in a royal blue colored shirt with a striped yellow tie and black pants…very school spirited. The night was quiet save for the sound of someone strumming a guitar in the distance. I remembered the blanket still in my car from the game, and the giant bag of M&M's I bought to keep in the tree house. Both items in hand, I opened the gate to my yard, using the bright moonlight as guide down the path. It was creepy and if it weren't for the sound of music floating from the direction of the tree house, I would have been petrified. I did not like the dark, however, my curiosity was piqued.

Just through the trees in the clearing, I could make out Edward's silhouette. He was sitting on one of the swings, guitar in hand, strumming quietly. I stood frozen, holding my breath… in awe, in disbelief, completely enraptured. The bluish moonlight shone down on his dark hair, casting eerie shadows and highlighting the strong lines of his profile. His lips were pursed as he looked down at the instrument, strumming random notes. He found a tune he was comfortable with and suddenly began to sing. I gasped, clutching the blanket and ridiculously large bag of candy to my chest, feeling voyeuristic, and shameful but not daring to move an inch. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

His voice, calling to me in the moonlight night was like liquid silk, soft yet slightly raspy and masculine and just so…Edward.

"_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now…" _

And though I had no idea if it was a coincidence, and I had not a clue if he was singing about me, but I could only hope.

I was absolutely moved... and falling closer and closer to something starkly resembling love than I ever could have imagined.

**~%~**


	11. Chapter 11 Crash & Burn

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 11~ Crash and Burn**

**Then I crashed into you,  
And I went up in flames.  
Could've been the death of me,  
But then you breathed your breath in me.  
And I crashed into you,  
Like a runaway train.  
You will consume me,  
But I can't walk away.**

**Crashed~ Daughtry**

**~Edward~**

"Fuck, fuck, God damn, fuck…" My sexual frustration shot out of me like an erupting volcano, at the same moment fucking douchebag asshole wankblocker Jasper came banging on my bathroom door, completely ruining the precious moment of solitude and fantasy of Bella riding me reverse cowboy. That fucker was not supposed to be in my bedroom uninvited under any circumstances.

"Come the fuck on, Edward! You've been in there for like a half hour…I gotta shower too, man!"

His fist hit my door repeatedly until I screamed, "Fuck off asshole, I'm done… Goddamn it." One final slam and the banging ceased.

1.6 million dollars for a house with six fucking bathrooms and none of the showers could be used simultaneously, otherwise the water pressure diminished to a meager trickle. Forget about flushing the goddamn toilets, or running the washing machine at the same time either.

_Nice investment there, mom and dad._

I toweled off, running my fingers through my wet hair a few times before I crossed the room into the walk in closet. My eyes scanned the green section of my shirts, before settling on a thin dark green v-neck sweater, which was close to the shade of the hoodie, so I knew Bella would like it. And frankly, her liking it was all that was fucking important at the moment.

My gaze darted to the Box-o-Bella stashed on the bottom shelf, and I knelt to lift the top. The smell of chocolate was pretty potent, and my dick hardened at the first whiff that hit my nose.

I was officially turned on by M&M's.

_What. The. Fuck._

My hand went instinctively to my cock, stroking it gently. I had a shit load of time to kill before I had to be at Bella's and not a thing to do. On my dresser sat a little red-fringed toothpick that came spearing the pickle on my plate that afternoon. The same plate that shared the fries I fed Bella.

_I fucking fed her food. God that was beautiful._

I tossed the toothpick in the box and made my way to my nightstand, pulling out Bella's _Heaven_ lotion, quickly locking my door. I spread my towel neatly on the leather couch, as I was highly opposed to bare ass on my upholstery, regardless of the fact that it was mine and it was squeaky clean. I squirted a bit of Essence of Bella on my hand, and stroked until I was grunting her name.

Motherfucker. Twice in an hour and I was still not satisfied.

_I need to get laid._

After I washed my hands, I slipped on dark jeans, and a white tee shirt under the sweater, standing in the full length mirror for inspection. The ensemble looked good, and I noticed the color of the sweater made my eyes look really fucking green. I smirked, knowing she'd like that as well.

I was such a fucking pussy. Completely and irrationally nervous and feeling very anxious. I really wanted to ask Dad for a Xanax or a Valium, but he knew I would be drinking tonight and he would never agree to give me prescription drugs under those conditions. I even thought about delving into the bottle of Zoloft I still had in my top drawer, but it was outdated and likely expired by now. I was so fucking nervous.

This wasn't a fucking date.

I was picking her up…on foot…to go to an after party for a dance that neither of us attended. It was _not_ a fucking date. Then why the hell was I so goddamn nervous? The whole day had me on edge, really. When we got to the game, I saved the row in front of us for her and her girls, knowing from past experience that seats filled up quickly, and I wanted her to sit near me and not some belligerent over zealous douchebags. I literally prayed that she would want to sit by me and my parents, and then when the Skank Squad showed up, I knew it was slim to none that she, or Alice in particular, would want to be around those bitches. It had to be gut wrenching for that girl to watch my brother dick around with sweet, but incredibly dimwitted Makenna. God, for her sake I hoped she was decent between the sheets.

But Bella came up anyway, nearly losing her pretty front teeth in the process as she climbed the bleachers with a smile. She looked adorable in her blue sweater and Nike's, which I had never seen on her before. Usually she had on little girlie shoes or sexy heels. Not to say I didn't absolutely love the come-fuck-me stiletto boots, but it proved that she could look just as hot casually dressed.

She sat directly in front of me, letting my knees touch her back and allowing the occasional foot brush against her thigh, which is probably the closest I would ever get to actually touching her. I had the privilege of watching her look entirely confused about the game, leaning to ask Rosalie what the hell was going on when she couldn't see. As much as I hated covering up the red highlights in her hair that were usually unnoticeable without the sun, I gave her my hat, and God she smelled so fucking amazing, like chocolate and _Heaven_ and girl. And hell if I wasn't noticing things like shoes, and girlie smells and highlights and natural fucking beauty.

_Strike me dead now… maybe I am gay after all._

I fed her fries and stole her ice cream. She was beautiful when she laughed, the two of us watching the mayhem that surrounded us at that table. I swear it was like we were the only ones who weren't about to explode. Well let me rephrase that. I was always about to explode, but for entirely different reason all together.

But if I had any doubts, they were laid to rest this afternoon. Bella reciprocated my feelings for her. She blew me another kiss as she left. She could barely speak when I asked her if she wanted to walk over to Paul's with me. My mother said she was smitten with me and while all this made me fucking ecstatic…it made me want to puke my guts out. How the fuck was I going to tell her?

_So B, um, I like you, and you like me, but we can't be together until June 20__th__…of next fucking year, so let's just be friends for the next twenty one months. And I won't be telling you why. Oh, and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to, look at or touch any other guys until then, because I will break their fucking faces. Kthanx…_

_Fuck._

I was stressing over it big time. The one thing I wanted, to have her feel what I felt, and it was making me fucking nauseous. She hadn't even confirmed it yet, but my mom said she knew just by the way Bella looked at me. Bella had it as bad as I did. Why did I not see it?

Opening the bag to take a deep whiff first, I then stashed the Ziplock full of weed in my inside coat pocket, and put three already perfectly rolled joints into a pack of Marlboro's, replacing three cigarettes. The smell of the weed calmed me and honestly, I couldn't wait to smoke. I desperately needed to get the fuck out of the house before my asshole brothers left and my mother began embarking on her school event picture taking ritual. Standing there observing would just make me feel stupid and more ashamed than I already did, for not being able to participate in the night as it were. For not being able to be what I should be for Bella.

I could already hear the music blaring and playful banter between their bedrooms. My teeth curled over my top lip absently as I debated what the fuck I should do. It wasn't raining and I could probably hang out outside in my car, or just drive around aimlessly like a fucking loser douche.

The song on Emmett's stereo reminded me that I hadn't used my guitar since we'd left Chicago. I just didn't have the desire to play until recently, and even then I was hesitant about bringing something out from my past, fearing it would conjure up a resurrection of Eddie Masen.

Hesitantly, I slid the black case from under the bed, opening the lid to make sure it was still intact from the move. The case was dusted off at least once a week, but had never ventured inside until tonight. Grandma and grandpa had given one to each us a few Christmases back, always looking to nurture our cultural potential. Em and Jazz still played theirs regularly. Gram and Gramps would be thoroughly disappointed knowing that I'd given up on that too. I made a mental note to call them tomorrow afternoon to say hello, provided I wasn't hung over.

I clicked the light off in my room, leaving the balcony doors unlocked so I could get back in easily later on. Looping the pants hanger around my fingers, I grabbed my coat and the guitar case, stopping at Jasper's room. He was in his boxer briefs, shaking his ass to an entirely overplayed Black Eyed Peas song while finger combing his hair and making kissie faces at himself in the mirror.

"Bro…thank you," he said genuinely, as he held out his hands to my never worn Armani pants like they were an old friend. He could have bought himself the pants, but they were limited editions and I got the last pair online. I was feeling fucking generous, maybe because I was grateful that he wasn't taking Bella with him. "Hey, lighten up man… at least your pants are going. Maybe they will get lucky and end up balled up on the floor somewhere." He grinned like a shit eating douchebag, pulling on the pants, and grabbing his crotch in the mirror. Fucking cocksucker.

Yeah, that's helpful.

"I swear to God, if you get Jazzy Jizz on my Armani's I will cut you. Get them dry cleaned before you return them to me please," I snapped, as he rolled his eyes.

"Hey, you're coming to Paul's around what, ten?" he asked. I just nodded, turning to walk out the door. I sat on the top step of the stairs laughing and lacing up my boots as Jazz and Em began to insult each other again.

"Yo Em, you got any Trojan's I could use, bro? I'm out." Dad looked at me from the bottom of the stairs, shaking his head. I couldn't tell if he was proud that at least two of his boys were getting some, or if was entirely disgusted at the blatant lack of discretion. "No, I need the fucking Magnums."

Fucking Magnums…you wish. "Awfully sure of yourself there, Stud," I yelled to Jazz shaking my head in revulsion. Who the hell was he trying to kid?

"Hey, I didn't ask her to go the dance for her stimulating conversation," he yelled back.

"Yeah, today at the restaurant proved that." Jasper cackled, knowing that he was only taking this girl out to get in her pants. He was a fucking slob. And part of me was jealous, I won't lie. He had all these options, freedoms, choices that he completely took advantage of and I don't think he appreciated any of it.

I slipped on my gray pea coat, newly freed from the environmentally safe cleaner and sprinted down the stairs. Dad patted my shoulder, handing me a handful of twenties and said, "Be good tonight." I nodded, thanking him, heading toward the kitchen exit. Mom was at the island, fiddling with her digital camera. She whispered that I looked handsome and told me she loved me as I bend to kiss her cheek.

The moon was huge and full; ghostly white slipping in and out of the clouds while casting long, luminescent shadows over the trees. I headed out to the driveway thinking that maybe I'd walk down to the river in back for some inspiration. The light of the moon reflecting over the water would be beautiful. As I took the path down, I stopped suddenly, changing directions, realizing the only inspiration I really wanted would need to come straight from the source. At the tree house, I could see Bella's room much closer than I could from my balcony, though when I got there, her window was dark.

The tree house looked eerie in the glowing light, almost intimidating. The fucking pansy in me chose to sit outside, and I planted my ass on Bella's yellow swing, unlocking the case, and lifting the guitar to my lap. I strummed a bit, tuning the instrument as it had not been touched in more than a year.

There was a fucking song in my head that had been lingering for a week, and I knew I wanted to get it out. It was so goddamn Bella and me that it wasn't even funny. I sang the lyrics to _Iris _soft and low, engulfed by the meaning and the relevance to my own emotions, as the thrums of the strings against my fingers filled my body with peace. I found myself forgetting the anxiety and the nervousness, and calming down, almost melting into the music.

Until I heard the sudden odd sound of rattling and a thud followed by a distinctly female, "Oh shit!" which all of, by the way, made me jump and drop my guitar off of my lap. My heart was thudding loudly in my chest.

"Jesus fuck, Bella!" I snapped, sharper than I should have as I righted the instrument back on my knees. She was visibly taken back from the expression on her face, and I softened my voice, "You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry. I came back here to drop off provisions, and I heard you. I didn't want to interrupt." She leaned timidly against a tree with the strap of her purse hanging around her arm as she clutched a blanket and the culprit of the offensive rattling and thud. In her arms was the mother load of M&M's. The smile on my face actually hurt, it was so damn big. It was partially for her unexpected presence, and partly for the snacks she came bearing.

I nodded toward her arms. "Whatcha got there?"

Her face lit up, as she possessively clutched the bag to her chest, grinning smugly. "Treats." With my finger I silently motioned for her to come over. She sat on the swing next to me, laying the blanket and bag down on her lap, putting her purse in the grass beside her. She looked so fucking pretty in the moonlight with the bluish haze casting a halo effect on her hair. She had on skin tight jeans and black knee high boots that looked very uncomfortable. From her cute little open coat, I could see that her perfect breasts were pushed together and framed by the black low v of her shirt. Fucking perfect tits, this one had.

"Nice coat," she said giggling.

"Thanks. When you told me you had a gray pea coat I thought it was funny."

"You can borrow my matching hat and gloves any time," she remarked with a smirk.

"Really, you think they would look good on me?" I rolled my eyes.

"I had no idea you played the guitar. Can you play something else?" she asked. I wasn't prepared for an audience, and truthfully, I was so out of practice, I didn't really want her to hear me play until I was fine tuned.

I shuffled my feet, pushing the swing back slightly. "Uh…I'm really rusty….haven't played in a long time."

She shrugged her shoulders. "You sounded amazing to me...your voice is…beautiful." She looked down at the ground almost embarrassed by her admission.

"Alright…but I'll have to charge you," I said, averting my gaze downward as I began to strum absently.

"Charge me?" she screeched, drawing her head back. "Like in dollars?"

"No, like in treats," I responded. She chuckled, the sound sending chills down my spine and straight to my groin. Thank the fucking lord I jerked off twice, or I probably would have gotten blue balls. She opened the bag, handing it to me. I took a small handful, popping a few at a time into my mouth.

"Any requests?"

"I dunno. Something current?" Her face scrunched up as she thought about it. I began to strum one of the few current songs that I knew I could pull off easily. I had always been able to take a tune and translate it straight onto the keyboard of the piano, and I had pretty much the same ability with the guitar. I was sort of embarrassed singing in front of Bella, but she seemed so eager and enthusiastic about the whole thing, I really couldn't tell her no. I never wanted to tell her no to anything, ever.

The first few words came out rough after the chocolate, so I stopped and cleared my throat, restarting.

_Well I was moving at the speed of sound.  
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and  
Didn't know that I was going down.  
Yeah, yeah.  
_

Her smile was huge and I tried not to make eye contact with her while I focused on the lyrics. I fucked up twice, but she and I laughed over it. My fingers were trembling, though playing was still comforting enough. When I finished she clapped and threw a handful of candy at me as I slid the guitar back in its case.

"What am I a fucking seal? You're rewarding me?" I asked playfully as I caught a few candies in my hand. She shrugged, giggling like a little girl. I am pretty sure she was nervous too. I pulled out the pack of smokes in my pocket, slipping out the joint.

"You wanna smoke?"

She nodded her head ardently, clapping her hands to together. "Oh, wait I have something for you!" Bella turned, grabbing her purse from the ground as she rifled through it. She produced a small object with a tiny red bow sitting on top. She held it out to me, patiently waiting for me to retrieve it from her. I took it from her hesitantly, wondering what the hell it was, and why she would be giving me a present. Turning it in my hands, I couldn't really make out what it was. Her cell phone light blinked on as she held it over my palm. Her perfume was completely distracting as was the chocolate scent of her hair brushing my arm and I tried to pay attention to everything but her. I was failing miserably.

"It's a lighter and a game." She plucked the red bow off the top, pointing to the plastic cartridge. "See… you press the red button and the balls shoot out. You have to get them in the matching color grooves." She smiled proudly, moving her swing back a foot. My look on my face must have confused her, because her smile fell. "You are always playing with your lighter. I thought you would like it."

"B, this is so full of awesomeness I can't even speak right now. Thank you," I said, truly meaning it. I pushed the button, watching the balls fly into the fluid, mesmerized not only by the novelty of the lighter, but her thoughtfulness. She giggled, happy that I liked it, I guess. I looked up at her, meeting her gaze, which she held for just a moment before her hand flew to her mouth chewing her nails.

_I wish I could fucking kiss you right now._

I used my new lighter to ignite the joint, taking a fierce pull from it, before handing it to her. I watched her take in the smoke, hold it in her lungs for a minute and then blow the smoke out into the brisk night air. She was so perfect, it hurt. We passed the joint back and forth a few times until Bella announced she was "So fucking high," at which point I snuffed it out the dirt. Bella and I were quiet for a while, enjoying the numbness and the buzz when she began to absently sing the Daughtry song I played for her.

"You sing really well," I said seriously. Her voice was sweet and high. She looked up at me rolling her eyes. "Your voice is pretty."

_As is the rest of you._

"I can't sing for shit, E," she said curtly. It was entirely fucking possibly that she couldn't sing but I was blinded by what I felt for her. "I saw Emmett leaving before. He looked handsome. Rosalie is going to be out of her mind tonight. So is Alice, now that I think about it. Should be a fun dance," she snickered, sarcastically. I quirked an irritated eyebrow at the fact that she had said Em looked handsome. I mean, yeah, he was a fucking good looking guy, but she didn't have to bring it up. I sucked the comment up, realizing that I was being a dick.

"Yeah, after today's Friendly's fiasco, I'm almost sorry I'm missing all the action. But I'll give you a full run down on the outcome from the guys perspective tomorrow," I laughed.

"So, does Jasper really like Makenna, or is he just hanging out with her for her intellect?"

"Uh…what do you think? Jazz is a dickhead when it comes to girls, but I'm pretty sure that's all a kind of defense mechanism to not get hurt. He had a serious girlfriend back in Chicago…"

"Emily," she cut in. I shot her a look of shock. "Yeah, Jasper told me all about her. I was surprised. I mean Jasper doesn't seem like a one girl kind of guy. Alice doesn't have a shot in hell after her, does she?"

I exhaled, shrugging my shoulders. "I don't know, B." She nodded, twirling her swing around. "You don't have water in your giant purse, do you? I have the worst cotton mouth." I said with a rather raspy grit to my voice as my throat, tongue and mouth were so goddamn parched I was cursing myself for not planning ahead.

She stopped twirling her swing to search the bag. "Nope, curling iron, cover up…boob tape…no water. Here's some gum, though." I took the stick from her, sliding it onto my mouth. Much better.

I asked with an eyebrow quirked, "Boob tape? Do I even want to know?"

"I helped Alice get ready…thought she might need to strap those bad boys in," she giggled. Jesus, it must suck to be a girl. "Hey E… where's Jasper and Emmett's mom? He was talking about his mom the other day, and I am never sure if he means his birth mother or your mom. I mean, it's none of my business, so you don't have to tell me, I just felt awkward asking him." I debated for a second telling her, because I wasn't sure if I was my place. It wasn't a big deal, and I knew that if she asked Jasper, he would tell her without question. They were so little when it happened that neither of them hardly remembered her.

"Their mom. Elizabeth, died a long time ago. Jasper was like two years old and Em was maybe three and a half, I think." I looked up squinting, as I tried to remember their exact ages. I had heard the story only a few times, as Elizabeth wasn't often mentioned around the house.

"Wow, they were just babies."

"Yeah, she was out in the yard with them and she just collapsed one afternoon. She had a fucking brain aneurism and died like, right there. Thank God a neighbor saw it happen, otherwise Em and Jasper…well who knows what would have happened to them. Dad was working odd shifts at the hospital so he wasn't supposed to be home until the following night. Can you imagine two little kids all alone for that much time?" I shuddered thinking about it. Bella's hand was over her mouth, as she sat stunned.

"Oh my God. Carlisle had two little boys to take care of all by himself?"

I pursed my lips, holding back a smirk. "Well, not by himself...my mom… was sort of their nanny."

"No…your dad was _doing_ the nanny?" she scoffed, seeming very surprised. "Oh sorry, I didn't mean…I didn't realize that's how they met."

I flicked my hand dismissively. "He met Esme right after Elizabeth passed away. It's actually a funny story. Um…" I turned in the swing to face her. "Do you want to hear this or…" I asked timidly, not knowing if she even gave a shit about how my parents met. When she nodded enthusiastically rolling her eyes, I continued.

"I had gotten really sick…the flu, and it eventually turned into pneumonia. Mom brought me to the Emergency room, and because she had no insurance, they were trying to make her go to another hospital all the way across town. But Carlisle was a resident there, and wouldn't let her leave. He basically saved my life."

"How old were you?" she asked.

"Like, a year and a half."

"God, you were so little," she said with wide eyes.

"Well, my mom was on her own, working and trying to go to school with a toddler and barely making it. She had no idea how to take care of a baby, and she was doing the best that she could. Her family sort of kicked her out so…"

"Wait, her own family kicked her out? I thought that only happened in the movies."

I chuckled darkly. "No, it's real life too, B. Her family owned a restaurant on the coast of Maine…tourist town. They expected her to take it over, you know keep the business in the family, and she wanted no part of it... obviously, I mean her cooking skills are for shit. When she went off to art school in Chicago, they wouldn't help her pay for it so, you know, she had to work her ass off just to get by. She came home that summer and was working at the restaurant and that's where she met my father…Edward."

Bella's eyes widened and her lip sucked into her teeth, obviously captivated by the story. This was surprisingly not hard…talking about my history to Bella. I wanted her to know about me, as much as I could give her, anyway.

"According to my mom, he was like this rich, spoiled brat that belonged to the country club crowd. My mom and her friends were hanging out at the beach one night and they met there. She and Edward spent a fucking weekend together, and a month later she found out she was pregnant. When she contacted him, he told her basically that he wanted nothing to do with her or me or…" I checked Bella's expression. I had never told the story before out loud actually, and only a handful of people knew the tale of my paternity as it was. "He didn't even believe that the baby was his, the fucking prick. I mean, mom said she had no intention of marrying him, she barely even knew him, but he mailed her a check and told her to get rid of the problem." Bella gasped, clearly horrified.

"It doesn't bother me, because truthfully, I know who my father is, and it isn't Edward Masen. I just wish she wouldn't have given me his name. I think she regrets it too, but maybe she thought that he would change his mind if he knew I was his namesake or some shit." Bella sat there with her mouth hanging open. I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, offering her one. After lighting them both, I handed one to her.

"So what happened?" she asked, taking a puff. I exhaled a blast of thick gray smoke, and when it dissipated I saw that her gaze was locked intently on my face. I was glad none of this affected me, because the last thing I wanted was to appear weak with emotion. I was spilling my whole life to a girl I knew for less than two weeks but for some reason, I felt I could trust her implicitly. The look in her eyes, and what she did to my heart told me it was alright, that she wouldn't betray my secrets.

"Well, my mom kept me, obviously, and when her family found out she was pregnant by _him,_ they were furious…practically fucking disowned her. They were hardworking blue collar Irish Catholic, and you don't go getting knocked up by the son of a half Italian half -who knows what -shady businessman and stuck up socialite from New York. She shamed them. Mom left to go back to school, gave birth to me seven months later and struggled hard. The few times she was in contact with them, her parents never even offered her their help, or even asked her about me, their bastard grandson."

"I'm so sorry, E," she said softly; full of compassion and sorrow, as she bit her lip. Her eyes, even in the moonlight were huge pools of dark chocolate, and filled with sadness. I didn't want my girl to be sad, especially over me.

"Honestly, it doesn't bother me. I mean, I never met any of them, and I have Carlisle's family, anyway. He's all I've ever known, so it doesn't make much difference to me. He is my father, his family is my family. What bothers me is how that dickhead, Edward could do that to my mom. I get that he didn't know her hardly, but he knew she kept the baby and never even bothered to contact her."

"So you've never met him then?"

I shook my head, no. I debated telling her about the little trip I took to New York last year, but I knew it would involve a lot more detailed information than I was ready to divulge. Baby steps. "Well, when I was in the hospital, they needed to know family history and shit…my mother had no idea about my paternal side. I mean, his name is on my birth certificate but he never even saw me. She got in touch with Edward after the prick dodged her calls for two days, and after a whole shit load of back and forth, he got his lawyer to order a DNA test, which evidently confirmed I was his son."

"But he never came to see you? Not even once?" Bella's voice was filled with incredulity. "How could you not want to see your kid?" She shook her head, absently biting her lip again. In the near distance, the sound of heavy bass beats permeated the air indicating that the party had started. I hadn't realized how long we had been talking.

"She sent him a picture when I was a few months old, but the piece of shit didn't respond to it. I'm the spitting image of him. The only thing I got from my mom was her hair color. It was so fucking obvious… Anyway, after the paternity test he started sending these huge child support checks once a year. My mother thinks it's just a sort of payment in exchange for leaving him out of it, and part of it is guilt. But he had heard she married Carlisle, and she thinks he is afraid that she finally had the finances to ensure a good lawyer who could wrangle even more out of him. He's a fucking douche no matter what. I almost don't want to take the money, but I figure he owes her for letting her struggle all those years."

"So wait…Carlisle was your doctor? How did your mom…"

"Oh, right. Um well, he paid the hospital bill, and my mom refused to take charity. So in exchange, he offered her a place to live and a job as Jasper and Emmett's nanny. She finished up school eventually and I guess whatever happens between two people happened between them. They got married when I was five. My mother says it was fate that I brought them together, and they are soul mates or some stupid shit." I shrugged my shoulders, cursing myself for looking so down upon the idea of fate. I don't know that I necessarily believed in all the bullshit about destiny and whatnot, but I definitely held a strong belief in otherworldly forces working for and against us.

"Wow that was…wow. So your mom was young when she had you?"

"Nineteen." Fucking nineteen with a kid and no money, no family, nothing.

"My mom was eighteen. She was pregnant with me at the prom," she said with raised eyebrows. "I believe the story is, that they got so wasted on New Years Eve that they forgot to use a condom. Nice, right?"

I chuckled, shaking my head. "You know, our parents are supposed to be fucking role models. If they ever complain about us doing bad shit, you know it was their own reckless faults." My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was Jasper.

"Yo." I could hear music and giggling in the background, and the slight slur of Jasper's voice.

"Bro, you on your way? I left my weed home." He was already wasted.

I looked over at Bella who was back to twirling her swing around. I smiled at her- she behaved, spoke and dressed like an young adult, but I fucking loved the little girl that came peeking out to play every once in a while.

"Yeah, we're on our way now." I hung up with Jasper and grabbed my guitar case. "You ready to head over?" She stood, climbing the rope ladder to the tree house then dumping all her stuff inside.

I handed her the guitar case, which she pretended to lose a grip on, and scowled at her as she slid it in carefully.

The sound of Bella's heels rhythmically clicked on the pavement as we walked side by side down the dimly lit street. I had to slow down my pace to meet hers when she complained that her legs were half the size of mine and her heels were three times as high. Every inch of me struggled to resist putting my arm around her tiny waist, or to slip my hand into hers. I wanted to kiss her so fucking badly, feel her body pressed against mine in the worst way.

_I hated not being able to do what felt natural. _

_I fucking hated Charlotte for taking this away from me._

We were less than a block away and neither of us had said a word. I was afraid our talk had inadvertently put a damper on her spirits, or that she was letting any of it bother her. "You okay? You're quiet…for a change," I smirked.

She grinned, stickling out her tongue. "I'm fine. That conversation about your parents was just a little…heavy." Yeah, I knew it was weighing on her. She was sweet, and good and I shouldn't have burdened her innocence with my fucking pathetically sad tale.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry. I didn't mean to kill your buzz."

"No, it's fine. I'm…actually honored that you told me such personal stuff," she said as she breathed heavily. "E…could you slow down please? My calves are killing me."

I slowed my pace again, forgetting that she was so little. I hadn't had a girl walk next to me in ages. "Sorry about that. Why do you wear those boots if they hurt you?"

"They only hurt when I'm running trying to keep up with your long ass legs. What's the rush?"

"No rush. You know, I am surprised you can even walk in them, considering your…spazziness," I teased.

"Actually, I'm less spastic in heels. I have to pay attention better when I am wearing them, and something about the arch of my foot being so high makes it easier to walk. I dunno."

I looked at her face. "You aren't really a spaz. You know I'm just teasing when I call you that, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. And you know I'm just teasing when I call you a freak, right?"

"You call me a freak?" I asked.

"Behind your back, I do." I stopped dead in the middle of the street narrowing my eyes at her.

"I'm kidding!" she said, throwing her hands up in the air. "Jeez! Don't you think I have more interesting topics to discuss in my free time than Edward Cullen?" Bella rolled her eyes, smirking that playful little smile that told me she did in fact talk about me to her friends.

The block was packed bumper to bumper on either side of the road, kids holding blue and yellow plastic cups filled with what I assumed was shitty, warm keg beer. We walked along the grass, avoiding the cars that were speeding past in haste to get their partying on. One look through the living room window and a cursory glance at the sea of heads bobbing up over the fenced back yard told me the house was filled way beyond capacity. That meant wall-to-wall bodies pressed up against each other. Not exactly the ideal location for a person like myself. Besides that, without parental supervision in a neighborhood this tight knit, the cops would likely be here dismantling the celebration within the hour.

"Hey Bella!"… "Sup Cullen?" Ben and Angela were sitting on a picnic table at the entrance to the crowded yard. Bella and Angela hugged, while Bella stood back, admiring and complimenting Angela's outfit. I told Angela she looked pretty, then Ben and I bullshitted about how fucking lame the dance was, and he informed me Emmett and Kim won homecoming king and queen. At that exact moment, Bella and I looked at each other grimacing, knowing there was a shit load of drama that was going to be the result of that outcome.

My eyes scoured the party looking for Jasper, so I could give him his weed and get drinks for us. Bella climbed atop the picnic table, peering over the yard of heads. She looked so fucking hot standing on her tip toes.

"Jasper and Makenna, and…assorted skanks," she pointed to the far side of the yard. Her finger moved the opposite direction toward the swing set. "Lots of football players and Emmett wearing a crown over by the keg…whoa…Alice and Alec… making out with his hands on her ass… don't see Rose anywhere…" Bella jumped down off the table, and I would have loved to have held my hand out to her, helping her down, but I stood there lighting a cigarette instead like a big fucking inconsiderate douche.

"I'm gonna go find Rose and see if she needs um…girl talking or whatever. Are you going to stay here?" I nodded and smiled as Mike and Tyler came over talking incessantly, but I barely heard anything they said. I was too lost in Bella and Angela weaving through the immense sea of people as they disappeared into the crowd. I was irrationally worried about her, though I knew I shouldn't be.

I finished my smoke and took a short walk with the guys over by the keg, discreetly attempting avoiding female contact in the process. Emmett was completely wasted, surrounded by his entire team who were also belligerently shit faced and quite fucking shirtless. On Em's head was an enormous gold crown and he was wearing a fucking shiny white sash proudly across his bare chiseled torso.

He threw an arm around my shoulder screaming, "My baby Bro! You know how much I fucking love this kid? God, this kid is the shit. Look at this pretty face." He squeezed my cheeks hard before he planted a big wet sloppy motherfucking kiss on my cheek, which now not only exacerbated the rumors of me being gay, but added incest to it as well.

Emmett got really fucking affectionate when he drank beer. Hard liquor, on the other hand was a whole other Emmett. I cringed, embarrassed over the attention, but gratefully nodding as someone handed me a cup of foam topped beer.

"Congrats, Em. You deserve it," I said, patting him on the back. The beer was ice cold, and I chugged it down relishing in the immediate thirst quenching effect of it.

"Where's Tink?" he asked, handing me another full cup of beer.

"Looking for Rosalie."

Emmett rolled his yes and groaned. "She's not here yet." He patted his back pocket where his phone was stashed. "I got my spies working, and no sign of her. She's pissed at me for fucking kissing Kim and shit on the dance floor...in front of everyone."

I groaned, shaking my head at my dickhead brother. "You kissed her?"

"Ah, just a little one on the cheek. But she's still pissed. Serves her right for going with Jared."

I chuckled. "I am feeling too damn good to deal with that shit, Em… I don't even want to fucking know about it right now. Listen, if I don't see you, get home safe, okay?" I said, turning to leave.

He grabbed my bicep, yanking me back toward him. "Hey, Edward," he slurred as he turned me to face him. His eyes were startlingly intense as he brought his face really close, the proximity almost uncomfortable. "I love you. Seriously. I can't wait to watch you finally be with that girl. I can't fucking wait." His voice was low enough, and no one was paying much attention to us, now that one of the guys was guzzling beers with unbridled enthusiasm from his audience.

_Me fucking too._

I nodded, smirking at him. "You have fun Buddy. I'm gonna go find Bella." I got two more full cups of beer before the guys and I headed back to the picnic table, stopping a few times to talk with some people from the party. Pulling out my phone, I texted Bella.

_Where are you?_

_On line 4 bathroom. U miss me already?_

_Maybe. Picnic table by gate._

Connor stopped me, hugging me and whispering in my ear to ask if I had any weed on me. I hesitantly gave him the joint in my Marlboro pack, letting him know that no one was to know where he got it from, I was not a dealer, and didn't want to be associated with supplying drugs to anyone.

By the time I made it over to the table, Jasper and Bella were there. She was drinking a beer and laughing hysterical about something, while Makenna looked on with a blank expression.

I greeted them all hello, placing the cup of beer on the table motioning for Bella to take it. I inconspicuously slipped the bag of weed into Jasper's jacket pocket and then told Makenna she looked pretty in her red dress. Her face lit up and in my periphery, I observed Bella's own smile fall as she distantly looked away pursing her lips.

I was fucking high and buzzed from the quick intake of the two ginormous cups of beer, but regardless, I knew something was wrong. Was she bothered by the fact that I told Makenna she looked pretty? I mean, I only said it because she was my brother's date, and it was true. Jasper was expressionless, and clearly irritated about something. I quirked an eyebrow at him, but he shook his head minutely before looking away.

I sighed out loud, knowing that this was going to be a long fucking night.

I moved on the other side of Bella, inches away from her. Leaning to whisper in her ear, I could smell her scent and it was intoxicating, almost knocking me off balance. "Hey, what's wrong? Everything okay?"

She looked up at me, a small smile on her lips. In the glare of the bright porch lights, her eyes were huge and so fucking brown. I noticed for the first time the little orange and gold triangular speckles that dotted her irises. They were beautiful.

She didn't respond to my concerned question, but stared fixedly in my eyes until I had to smile to break the intensity. My fingers twitched at the suppression of the involuntary response to touch her cheek. I was willing to bet my fucking car that her skin would feel like silk underneath my fingers.

It was fucking crazy how forcefully my heart pounded while a wave of stark heat washed over me. Not sexual, just fucking…raw unsettling emotion with the concentration of a motherfucking tidal wave. My hearing was abruptly disconnected and as quick as a sneeze we were suddenly alone in the yard…the silence deafening.

Just Bella and I staring at each other.

That was the moment I should have kissed her for the first time.

In a way I was glad that I couldn't because I wanted our first kiss to be sweet, and special and not in the middle of a bunch of drunken assholes in someone's crowded backyard. She deserved much more than that. I licked my lips and exhaled, taking a huge gulp of beer, which made the noise turn back on with startling volume.

Bella, likely having the same bizarre reaction, inhaled a staggered breath and asked me for a cigarette, breaking the intense moment. It almost looked as if she were going to cry. I popped up onto the edge of the crowded picnic table, sliding back until I was leaning on my knees with my elbows. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out two smokes, lit them with my new lighter, and gave one to her. She put it into her mouth, before she propped her boot onto the bench between my legs. Bella's knee was about a half a foot away from my crotch.

I just watched her intently, as she shimmied up her pant leg and unzipped the black leather boot to fix her slouching sock. The line of her body, stretched out like that was motherfucking gorgeous and what I wouldn't give to have that knee thrown over my shoulder with her naked and wet. When both feet were placed steadily on the ground, she flicked her ash next to her, shifting from one foot to another. I opened my legs wide, saying _fuck it_ to myself, as my dick grew in my pants.

"Sit."

Her eyes darted from my crotch, to my eyes, and then back to my crotch again. I wondered if she had any idea if I was hard, but likely not, because my jacket was covering up most of me. Bella sat between my legs, never touching me, just smoking her cigarette quietly. I noticed she was smiling at nothing and I laughed as I blew thick smoke rings over her pretty little head in perfect succession. She was my sweet angel and she deserved nothing but a halo. If I couldn't give her anything physical than I could give her my fucking heart...all the messed up pieces of it, anyway. If she would have me.

I leaned over close to her ear with the intent of telling her how pretty she was compared to all these girls, but when I got that close to her hair, I froze, chickening the fuck out. As soon as I drew my head back up, Alec slipped through the crowd, clasping little Alice's hand as he towed her tipsy body behind him. We bumped fists, while Jasper glared at Alice oddly, pulling Makenna tightly into his chest. Alice was wrecked beyond belief; her makeup smeared, and her ponytail a mess. Alec said he was taking her home before she threw up on his shoes.

It was shortly after that, when someone yelled out that the cops had been called. The plan was for everyone to relocate to First Beach to resume the party. Bodies scattered, car engines started, and before long the yard was a sea of yellow and blue plastic cups.

Bella and I declined Jasper's offer for a ride, as we preferred to walk home. She was tipsy, giggling while attempting to walk in a straight line as people and cars passed us noisily. She almost tripped and I laughed at her when suddenly, on the lawn in a dark corner, I spotted a group of Freshmen pushing a small kid around. I could hear them cursing and calling him a fucking fag and a homo, and the whole scene just pissed me the fuck off.

"Fuck. Bella, get out of the street and stay here," I ordered. She watched me with wide eyes as I stalked over to the group, gripping one of the aggressors by the scruff of his neck.

I growled, "Leave him the fuck alone." I took the kid, tossing him backward onto the grass with a thud. A taller kid, charged at me, but I flung him to my right, flipping him on his back. He groaned when his body made contact with the ground. From my periphery, I noticed a small crowd watching nearby.

"Anyone else? Come on, that's all you pussies are gonna give me?" I spat, as the other guys backed up slowly, fear in their eyes at my semi-violent expression. I didn't like to fight, but I would do it if I had to defend someone who couldn't defend himself. The boy got up off the ground, stumbling back away from the other guys.

"What's your name?" I asked the kid, as I put my arm around his shoulder.

He whispered, "Amun," and I knew instantly that he was the exchange student from Egypt by his accent.

I directed by gaze back to the trembling fuckers staring back at me. "If I ever see you fucking with Amun again, I will kill you. Do you understand?" Heads nodded frantically, and bodies scattered in fear. I smiled, patting the frightened kid on his back. "You okay?" I asked. He shook his head yes; his dark eyes were huge and scared. Amun thanked me quickly before bolting down the block like a bat out of hell.

I trotted over to Bella who stood there dumbfounded with her hand covering her mouth. I shrugged my shoulders nodding my head to continue walking. She said how brave and sweet that was of me, but it was no big deal really. I liked that she thought I was some sort of a hero to that kid though, I won't lie.

I held the gate for her, as we took the path to the tree house to retrieve our belongings. Bella said she wasn't quite ready to home and truthfully I was happy about that, because I wasn't ready for the night to end either. We sat inside the dark little house, opening the shutters to allow the moonlight in. She looked pretty in any light, but the moonlight was by far the most radiant of them. Her skin glowed, and her hair looked eerie as a halo of blue skimmed the crown of her head. She looked like an angel.

We sat side by side, about a foot apart while Bella snuggled under the blanket. We talked, and I shivered as the night grew on, and the moon rose higher in the sky, shifting the shadows overhead. Bella threw the blanket on top of my legs as she scooted closer to me. Her warmth captured under the fabric enveloped my body and it was comforting and sweet and smelled amazing, like her.

She drew her knees up to her chin, resting her cheek on her knee as she wrapped her arms around her calves.

Bella smiled at me, whispering, "Thank you for telling me about your mom tonight. I really feel honored." I nodded, smiling at her softly. She closed her eyes, lacing her fingers together as if in prayer. I stared at her cocking my head to the side.

"B, what are you…" Bella held her index finger up, telling me _one minute._ A minute or so later, she made the sign of the cross with her fingers, opening her eyes and laying her cheek back down on her knees.

"Were you just praying? I didn't realize you were religious," I remarked, quite surprised at the action.

"Oh, I'm not. It's…it's silly. Nighttime prayers are something I've done with my dad since I was little. When I left with my mom, it was the last thing he said to me." She deepened her voice to mimic Charlie. "'Bella, listen to your mom, and don't forget to brush your teeth and say your prayers at night.' It kept me feeling close to him." I smiled, trying to conjure up the image of a young Bella.

"What do you say?"

She laughed, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Oh, um…well, I always ask God to bless everyone I love, and I usually ask him to watch over people less fortunate than me. Tonight I asked him to save the little boy on the news that was hit with the fastball at that baseball game. Did you hear about that?" I nodded. "And then I usually thank him for the things I have and sometimes I ask for a favor." She shrugged her shoulders while I smiled at her dumbly. Just when I though I couldn't fall any harder…

"E?" she said. "Can I ask you something?" she bit her bottom lip, taking a deep breath, I pulled my legs up, mimicking her position. I was really fucking tired. The weed and beer had done its job well and I yawned, nodding yes to her question.

"Are you gay?" She blurted it out in one quick breath like she had been prepping herself to do it for weeks. I felt a smile creep on my mouth, and I suppressed the urge to laugh out loud. I don't know what I was expecting her to ask me, but it was most certainly not fucking that. I suppose it was inevitable that she would ask, considering the rumors that surrounded my questionable sexuality. Though I figured her asking was out of sheer curiosity, part of me was hoping that she was asking because she wanted to know why I hadn't kissed her yet.

"Uh, no. I'm not gay."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Bi?"

"Not even a little bit. I like girls."

_I like you. A lot._

Her lips quivered with an exhaled breath, which was clearly one of relief, but no smile made its way onto her lips. She was troubled. Her mouth opened to speak again, but she closed it, pressing her lips together as she thought a moment.

"They why haven't you…" Our eyes met when she paused. I hadn't taken mine off of hers, but her eyes darted away uncomfortably before they flashed into mine piercing my gaze. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" Her tone sounded more like a plea than a question.

Swallowing thickly and inhaling, I braced myself to buy time to conjure up a decent answer that I thought would temporarily placate her.

_Not now Bella, not tonight sweetie. _

_I am too tired and I want to stare at your beautiful face in the moonlight just a little longer before you know the truth and run from me._

"It's complicated," I whispered flatly, hoping she would understand that I couldn't talk about it yet. She nodded her head with a defeated sigh, turning to rest her chin on her knee. "I know everyone thinks it…but I can't go around beating everyone up because they think something stupid about me." She looked like she wanted to ask something else, and God knows I wanted to tell her the truth, but her lips mashed into a tight line, and her head rested back on her knee. She was tired.

We sat quietly for a long time, neither of us speaking or moving. Eventually, her eyes made contact with mine and we stared at each other for a really fucking long time. It was the kind of thing that should have been awkward, but wasn't. I think we both had so much we needed to say to one another, but were too afraid to speak what was in our hearts and minds.

We must have dozed off after that, because I woke with a start, before I realized I was still outside in the fucking tree house. I was thirsty as hell, and groggy. My body was warm but my hands and face were frigid. Bella had her cheek pressed up against my shoulder. The top of her head was just under my chin if I turned toward her. I was appalled and panicked, and elated simultaneously.

I leaned in slightly, smelling her hair and her sleepy scent. My lips brushed over the silken strands of her fine hair. She smelled like candy and I knew I would have to find out what made her smell so delicious. Her breathing was soft and steady on my arm. I debated whether I should wake her up, but I knew we couldn't stay out here all night because we would freeze.

"B…Bella," I whispered. She didn't move, nor did her breathing falter. "Bella sweetie, you need to wake up." Nothing. My fingers twitched again for the second time that night. Tentatively, I brought my fingers up to her cheek, holding them inches away for a brief minute. I brought them closer and closer until I was touching Bella's cheekbone. She was so warm and soft. I knew it was bad and it was wrong, but I thought that I wasn't hurting her…only myself.

I let my fingertips rest on the apple of her cheek for a moment, testing to see if she would wake at my touch. My hands were fucking freezing and I was amazed that she hadn't even flinched. Obviously this girl was a heavy sleeper. Maybe it was because she had gotten high, I didn't know. I thought about poking her or even tossing M&M's at her, but I thought that would be fucking mean...and wasteful.

I drew one fingertip up the slight arch of her cheekbone to her temple and back again. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. My eyes closed, taking in her innocence and her beauty as her sleeping face glowed luminescent in the moonlight peeking through the window.

I tried one more time. "Bella, wake up."

And then I tilted her chin up toward my face. I gazed at her for a few minutes, reverently taking her in, before I brought my lips as close to her as I could without touching her. My mouth brushed her lips minutely, before I inhaled and pressed my lips softly into hers.

My whole body felt the stolen kiss- from the tip of my toes to the hair on the back of my neck. I knew at that moment I was doomed and fucking stupid for doing it. One taste and I was hers. The kiss was beautiful and sweet and I wanted to fucking cry. Cry out of joy and out of pain and frustration and elation. She was perfection and I could never have her.

As I pulled away, I felt the shame of tears prick my eyes and I bit my knuckle to thwart it away. It didn't work though. I swiped the escaped tear off my face, clearing my throat. I needed to get a goddamn grip.

"Bella…wake up." I said it much louder that time, but she only sighed. "Bella!" She bolted up with a startled screech looking around frantically. "It's okay. B. We fell asleep outside," I whispered. Her hand flew to her chest while she took deep breaths to calm herself.

We walked in silence to her front door. I took her purse from her as she yawned under the porch light while I found her keys in the depths of the black hole that was her bag. That would be a problem if we had any sort of future together. Once the door was opened, she leaned against the frame, looking sleepy and a bit disheveled and so very innocent.

I said goodbye and turned to leave while she whispered, "Thank you, E…for tonight."

I stopped and smiled, walking back a few steps to her. "Um, will I see you tomorrow?" I asked hopeful.

She yawned, covering her mouth. "No, not tomorrow. I have to work until four and then I'm meeting my dad for dinner in Port Angeles."

"Oh right. Snow White?" I asked, highly fucking disappointed. "Well good luck and I guess I'll see you at school." I waved, turning to walk away. I stopped, realizing she was still in the doorway. "Hey Bella…just so you know … all those girls with their hair done up and their party dresses on…and you still were the most beautiful girl there."

Her hand flew to her mouth to cover a shy smile that I could see reflected in her eyes even at the distance I was from her. My fingertips touched my lips, and before I knew it I held them out to her, blowing her a kiss. She giggled, caught the empty air, but instead of putting it in her pocket she brought her hand to her lips.

Bella didn't save my kiss.

She fucking used it.

She waved and then the door clicked shut. I sauntered home slowly, smiling the entire way, with the guitar case weighing heavily in my arms. I knew I would miss her changing her clothes, but I figured since I'd stolen the kiss from her, that it was enough for tonight. In the brisk night air, I had her kiss to keep me warm.

**~%~**

"Hey, whatcha got...chips?" Jasper said excitedly, plopping himself on the couch next to me. I held out the bag, shaking it a bit, while he dug his hand in. "What the fuck is this?" he asked as held up a handful of bright orange and purple chips.

"Organic beet and carrot chips," I replied flatly. "They suck." I popped one in my mouth regardless of the suckage. Nothing could get my mood down this afternoon, not even a poor excuse for a snack. Jasper groaned, tasting a chip before mumbling how nasty they were and dumped the rest back in the bag. "How are my pants?"

"Same condition as you gave them to me. Makenna gave me a decent blowjob, but I couldn't even enjoy it."

_Great._

I nodded taking a drink of water, wishing it was Pepsi. "I noticed you were all pissy last night. What was up with you?"

"Nothing…just fucking…nothing." He pouted, running his hand through his hair.

One of my eyebrows rose. "Nothing?"

Jasper huffed, clearly not wanting to talk about it, but desperate to tell someone something. "Fucking….Xanax. That girl pisses me off to no end."

I put another disgusting chip in my mouth. "What'd she do?"

"Well, for starters, I said hello to her and she didn't even acknowledge me. Then she was all over Alec, dancing and grinding on him. And her tits…fuck they are huge. And she had on these fucking underwear…" Jasper groaned, rolling his eyes in frustration. I held back a smirk.

"Oh yeah? What about them?" I hedged.

"They were these black boy shorts, the kind where her fucking ass cheeks were hanging out the bottom, and they had a fucking kiss on her ass. Alec was rubbing on her, and the dress went up a little." He propped his chin in his hand.

"And…so?"

"I don't know...it just pissed me off," he sighed.

I widened my eyes and laughed. "Oh… I get it. I think Jazzy likes Xanax."

"No."

"Yes you do…you want to kiss her, don't you?" I teased, making kissing sounds while puckering my lips. "Kissy kissy…"

"Fuck no, stop it dick." He pushed my face away from his, highly irritated at my mocking.

"Jazzy and Alice sitting in a tree…" I sang. He pulled me into a chokehold, pressing noogies into the top of my head while I continued to sing, "k-i-s-s-i-n-g…"

"Shut the fuck up!" he screamed.

"You like her, you like her…you think she's pretty…and she has a great ass…and big titties." I taunted him like a sixth grader, and I fucking loved it.

Em came in, standing at the doorway with a glass of juice. "Who has big titties?"

"Alice Brandon," I said, as I threw Jasper to the ground, straddling his waist and pinning his arms underneath me. He was the same size as me, but I was definitely stronger. Emmett made sure of that when we were kids. I was scrawny up until high school, and Emmett made sure I knew how to defend myself. I think that's why the thing with that kid last night bothered me so much.

"Say it…say I love Alice…say it!"

"_Fuck. You."_

I hovered over him as I gargled saliva noisily in my throat, pretending that I was going to spit on his face while he writhed underneath me. It was a lesson taught to me by the both of them growing up, that I found quite ironic to be using it one of them at sixteen years old. Emmett just laughed, drinking his juice and giving me pointers.

"E, you gotta work the clam up from the throat...make it nice and thick, and make sure you aim for his mouth!"

"Fine, fine, fine !" Jasper yelled. "I like her, I think...I don't know. Now get the fuck off of me!" I backed off a little resting my weight on his chest. He sat up on his elbows, and when I freed his arms fully he pushed me over into the television cabinet, making me smack my head into the wood.

Em said, "Alice Brandon does have a huge set of knockers for such a little girl."

"You know why?" I asked rubbing my head where the wood hit me. They both looked at me blankly. "Because of all the hormones in the milk and the meat. It makes their boobs grow bigger than they normally would."

"How the fuck do you know this shit?" Jasper asked, kneeling to stand.

"I do pointless research during the time I would normally be getting laid," I said tersely.

Emmett chuckled, turning to Jasper. "You want to talk about it?"

Jasper said, "What… tits?"

"No dickhead… Alice," Em said curtly.

"What… you think because you get the girl now you're a relationship expert? No, I definitely don't want to talk about her," Jasper said, grabbing the bag of chips on the couch. Emmett sat on the chair adjacent to him.

"You got the girl?" I asked incredulously. "What does that mean?"

"Oh man…you missed it," Jasper said smiling, his irritation at his own situation quickly dissipating. "Last night at the beach Rose shows up with Jared and she and Em are in like a fucking staring showdown."

Emmett turns to me. "Yeah, so I asked her to dance with me. And she said no, not until I put on my shirt first. But I had no fucking idea where my shirt even was, so I told Jared to take off his shirt cause all the football players took theirs of and he wasn't showing any sense of solidarity with his still on." Emmett snickered at his cunning motives. "So he gives me his shirt, and I find Rose and I'm dancing with her and I kiss her. And the kiss is long and fucking deep and gooooood," he emphasized with a wink. "Well, Kim sees this and she fucking flips out on me, and Jared rips his fucking shirt right of my back…so Rose gets pissed and goes to leave saying she's done with me and my fucking stupid bullshit."

I laughed, trying to imagine the whole thing in my head. Jasper cut in then, smacking his hand on his knee. "And Rose looked fucking slamming last night too." Jasper added while Emmett nodded in agreement. "So Everyone is watching this happen, and Em jumps on top of the picnic table, gets down on one fucking knee like some pussy whipped fucker about to propose and yells at the top of his lungs, 'Rosalie Hale...will you be my girlfriend?'"

I looked to Em, who was nodding proudly with his eyes closed. "And she said, 'Fuck yes.'"

I smiled. "So you and her are like…together- together now?"

Emmett nodded his head. "Taking her out to a movie tonight. In public." He bumped my fist, and I nodded at him, smiling happily on the outside but shaking my head on the inside. He had no fucking idea that she held the upper hand in their relationship. He only "got the girl" because the girl allowed it. I scoffed at the fact that I…the Cullen brother with the least amount of relationship knowledge or experience knew more than my playboy brothers about girls. It was highly laughable.

Jasper got up, angrily tossing the bag of chips aside. "These fucking taste like butt. You want anything?" We both shook our heads no as he walked out.

"So where did you go last night?" Emmett asked, as I sat back on the couch.

I smirked, the memory of the kiss still lingering on my lips. "Nowhere…just back here. Bella had to work today."

He scowled. "Bullshit. You came in later than I did."

"Yeah we were talking and we fell asleep in the tree house." I shrugged, tugging at my lip with my teeth. The smile was itching to come out, but I kept it at bay for the time being.

"You're hiding something, Edward I can tell. Well, whatever. I meant what I said last night. You deserve to be happy, bro." I just smiled, changing the channel with the remote while thinking about my girl.

_I am happy today, Em. For the first time in a long time._

**~%~**

I woke on Monday about as nervous and anxious as I was Saturday night. I was on pretty much on edge all day Sunday while she was out and even debated on calling her that night, but didn't because I was too fucking out of sorts. In a good way, though.

It was basically out in the open, that Bella and I liked each other. I still had no idea how I was going to get around telling her about my past, though I had a feeling that Bella would cunningly drag the truth out of me some way or another. I just wasn't ready to talk to her about it, and I was most certainly not fucking ready to lose her. Then there was the issue of me not touching her. But that was a whole other thing entirely. I tried to convince myself that I could get used to the idea of us just being friends and getting to know each other over the next twenty one months. I laughed in my own face at that notion.

_Fucking idiot._

During English, we shared quick glances, playful smirks and eye rolls at each other. It was awkward, but cute. She was wearing this ridiculously short fucking pink and gray plaid skirt with these gray over the knee socks, and a fuzzy pink button up sweater like a little school girl. Her hair was stick-straight and pulled back in the front, making her eyes look huge. She looked so amazing and I felt myself not only hard when I thought about her lips on mine, but adding that outfit to my list…sans panties, of course.

In lunch she was engrossed in a lengthy discussion of the dance and the party recollections, and then in Bio, Banner made us take notes again all period, so we barely spoke. He reminded us that since we had the next two days off for the religious holiday that there would be a quiz on Thursday when we got back.

We walked to study hall together, sitting in our secluded little nook at the back near the reference section. We chatted about the party and what happened between Rose and Emmett and laughed at the stupidity of them both.

It was almost the end of the period, and I knew it was now or never. I was sweating and shaking, rubbing small circles into my palms under the table while under the guise of pretending to math homework. I took a deep breath shaking off the nerves.

"Hey B…do you have plans for Wednesday?"

She looked up from her book blankly. "No, why?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to Port Angeles for the day. Have lunch...see a movie maybe?" I shrugged my shoulders casually sitting back into the seat while anxiously waiting for her reply. If I had a stroke right now it would be no surprise to me.

"Just you and me?" she blinked.

"Um…yeah. I could ask Jasper to go if you want, or you could bring Alice but yeah…I though just… me and you…" I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, disappointment crashing down on me.

"No, just the two of us is fine…it's great…yeah, I would love to go." She smiled widely, accidentally dropping her pen on the floor, and looked down at her notebook embarrassed.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief grabbing her pen before standing and gathering up my books. I needed a fucking cigarette to calm my nerves. I asked her to join, but she declined, saying she wanted to finish her Spanish homework so she didn't have to bother with it over the break. I waved goodbye, and said a quick hello to Makenna and the Skanks as I passed their table on my way out.

I slipped out the north exit by the gyms where the brick wall made smoking undetected the easiest. There were a few people that I knew out there smoking and bullshitting. I was fucking buzzing with excitement as I made petty conversation with them while I smoked, thinking about exactly where I should take Bella on our date. She did realize it was a date, right?

I was so relieved that she didn't want anyone else to accompany us because that would have completely sucked and defeated the purpose of the afternoon altogether. I spent the last two days sort of high on that illegal kiss, even though it wasn't willingly reciprocated. And part of me felt like such a dirty letch, watching her indecently in her window at night and now taking kisses unknowingly from her while she slept. But another part, the selfish hormonal part didn't fucking care. I liked this girl so much that it was completely irrational that I felt somewhat justified in doing what I did, though I knew without a trace of doubt it was terribly wrong. Taking her out and showing her that I really cared about her, was my rationalization at righting my misconduct.

I headed into gym, surprised and annoyed when the coach made us all sit on the bleachers for the whole period as he questioned us about the sports equipment that was discovered missing. I barely heard a word he said, as I watched Bella overly excited and almost giddy. That was an entirely bizarre demeanor for her during gym, but I thought maybe she was excited about me asking her out. I could only hope that was why.

I smiled widely as she whaled the volleyball over the net and enjoyed her girly shriek when she actually scored. She smiled and waved at me from the court. I gave her a smirk, nodding back. She was so fucking cute.

After the coach dismissed us, I headed outside to my car where I grabbed a cigarette and leaned against the bumper. Mike and Tyler sauntered over to Jasper and I. I smiled even when Mike annoyingly bummed a smoke off of me and playfully punched my arm.

"So Cullen, congrats man," Mike said, nodding in my direction with an all knowing smirk plastered on his face.

"On what?" I asked, completely confused. Across the lot I spotted Bella emerge from the exit doors with Angela next to her. She was practically skipping.

"On Bella Swan. You had us worried there for a while."

"What about Bella? Mike what the fuck are you talking about?"

"You and Bella…you know…" he rolled his eyes and bumped his fists together indicating two people having sex. "You're fucking. You had us all convinced you were a fag." Jasper looked at me with a panicked expression I took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Who did you hear that from?" I asked, thinking that the rumor probably started because Bella and I were seen most of the night at the party together.

"Uh, Royce and Sam." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Why the fuck are Royce and Sam staring rumors about me?" I was fucking pissed, glaring at Mike with my eyes narrowed. I wanted to choke those catty rumor spreading motherfuckers and Mike for fueling the fire. Little girls that had nothing better to do than to talk about me and my non existent sex life.

"Sam said it's not a rumor. He heard it flat out that you and her were fucking…" His voice trailed off at the end as my eyes narrowed even further. Mike backed up a few steps, sensing my impending rage.

"Flat out?" I asked incredulously with gritted teeth, seething at the mess this was going to cause and the fucking damage control I would have to deal with because of this bullshit. "_From. Fucking. Who_?"

He looked like he was going to shit his pants any second. He took a drag of his cigarette, his hand shaking slightly as he blew the smoke out above my head.

"From Bella."

**~%~**

**OOOH...cliffy.**

_The lighter is a real thing. I haven't seen them since I was in college and that was, um…well…not recently. It leaked all over my purse essentially making me extremely flammable. I assume that is why they no longer make them._


	12. Chapter 12 Heartlines

**Stephenie Meyer owns it. **

**Thank you to everyone who has rec'ed the story, read, reviewed, Pm'd me, played on the thread etc.**

**I big fat puffy heart you guys!**

**Thank you to Becca my Kackass Spazztard beta for proofing and to Suzy as usual who is just simply the best. Snow White was all hers. **

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 12~ Heartlines**

**I'm desperate for changing  
Starving for truth  
I'm closer to where I started  
I'm chasing after you  
I'm falling even more in love with you  
Letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
There's nothing else to lose  
There's nothing else to find  
There's nothing in the world  
That can change my mind  
****LifeHouse ~Hanging By A Moment **

**~Bella~**

**Violent Femmes Blister in the Sun**

I typed it into the Youtube search bar and cranked up the speakers on my laptop. I tapped my bare foot on the floor for the first tens seconds and then I danced like a motherfucker.

_When I'm out walking I strut my stuff, yeah I'm so strung out…I'm high as a kite I just might stop to check you out…Lemme go on like a blister in the sun…_

I grabbed my pickle pen from my backpack to use as a faux microphone and since my hair was wet and stringy from the shower, I thrashed around my room whipping the damp strands in my own face. I was panting and sweaty and excited. Edward blew me a kiss last night...he told me I was the prettiest girl at the party AND he wasn't gay.

_Life was fucking awesome._

I was choosing to ignore the part about the reason for him not having a girlfriend being "complicated." Complicated? WTF? That was not what I wanted to hear, Edward. When the song was finished and I had completely decimated my bedroom, I closed down Youtube and stared blankly at the Google search bar.

It taunted me…

Edward Masen…type it…E-D-W-A-R-D M-A-S-E-N…come on, Bella, you know you want to know all about him…find out exactly what was so complicated…

My hand shook as I typed the first three letters of his name. And then my phone rang, which I took as a divine intervention, a sign from the big guy in the clouds to stop searching for answers.

Mom and I chatted while I slathered on theatrical style make up, big red lips, rosy cheeks, lots of blue eye shadow and seventeen thick coats of mascara. I told her all about the things I had been up to and I mentioned Edward briefly, leaving out the part where I was head over heels in love and singing to a friggin pickle on my bed. She didn't need to know all the particulars. Besides, I knew she spoke to Charlie, and the last thing I needed was for him to realize that his daughter was canoodling with the next door neighbor. Canoodling? Was I in fact, canoodling? Well whatever it was that I was or wasn't doing, Charlie knew I was hanging out with the Cullen boys, but I think he too, thought Edward was gay. It was a small town and people talk.

I typed in _Snow White_ instead, just to get some background info on the chick and her little dudes as well as a refresher on the story. I couldn't remember if there was a mirror or a pumpkin in this one. Apparently all the pot smoking was doing its job on my memory.

Poison apple. Magic Mirror. Wicked Witch. Prince Charming. Dwarfs. Hi ho Hi ho and all that shit.

But I was glad I did my research because I knew ahead of time to curl and tuck my hair up to make it look shorter avoiding having to wear the itchy, stinky wig. I slipped a red ribbon onto my head and looked in the mirror. I looked like a prim and proper teenage drag queen.

_Remind me again why I took this job?_

_Oh yeah, the money. Big money. M-O-N-E-Y! _

_I love me some money. I can buy my boy fun lighters with my money. _

Once I got to Port Angeles in record time, I changed in the little room in back and tucked my clipboard with directions and information under my arm. I swished to my car in the shiny acetate dress, narrowly avoiding breaking my ankle in a huge pothole by the garage. Jake's shop was closed on Sundays, but I would have liked to see him again, regardless.

As I drove to Sea Cliff Lane, I pondered how princesses drove their little sports cars with these ridiculously long dresses on. Then I realized that was the reason they rode in pumpkin carriages not little sports cars because, seriously, how the hell was a princess expected to navigate a friggin road with this stupid collar thing? Jeez, every time I turned my head to check for traffic I was looking into a high, stiff white collar. Now I knew how those poor dogs felt, when they had to wear that silly lampshade looking cone apparatus after they got their balls chopped off.

Admittedly, I was a bit nervous when I pulled up to the house. I had no idea what the hell I was going to do with these kids, but I was armed with treats and songs and if none of that worked, I would bop them on the heads with my wand so hard they would all pass out and I could make a quick escape out the back exit. Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly the best laid plan... Snow White didn't have a wand.

The little girl's name was Macy and she was five. She had originally requested Barbie but that hot bitch was already booked. Apparently, twenty one year old man- boys enjoy Malibu Barbie as much as the younger set. So here I was…second choice Snow White. I parked my car down the block a few houses and walked into the back yard as instructed entering through the side door. I was immediately greeted by the family's 120 pound fur ball who felt the need to smell my freshly washed crotch...repeatedly. I stood there mortified, wishing I really had a wand so I could boink him on top of the head…and sort of wishing that Edward had the sudden ability to shape shift into a four legged animal. I mean if he was down there already…

"Just ignore Max. He likes pretty girls." An older man, handsome in dad kind of way politely extended his hand to me, while the other held Max, the insatiable crotch sniffer by his collar. "Hi. I'm Frank, Macy's grandfather...and you are?"

Remembering the number one rule, _Once in public, always stay in character because you never know where the birthday girl is,_ I curtsied and introduced myself. "Thank you for coming to my aid, Kind Sir. I am Snow White. Pleased to make your acquaintance." I smiled that big cheesy smile that Billy reminded me to put on while I held out my hand for him to shake. Walt Disney would be so damn proud. "I hear Macy is having a birthday today. Might you know where she is, Kind Sir?"

Grampa Frank raised his eyebrows at me. I could practically see the porno running through his mind. Frank was not your typical grandpa. He was probably not that much older than my father and he was definitely swoon worthy in a Kevin Costner /GILF kind of way. Instead of shaking my hand he kissed it, to my discomfited horror. He leaned in close to me and whispered, "My daughter got knocked up young."

Let's juts say that I was dumfounded. I just stared at him for a second blankly before I whispered, "Uh… thank you," and I scurried my way through the large kitchen to where I could hear the kids playing.

I found Macy dressed like a mini Snow White and sat her on my lap. In my bag I had a special present for her- a magic mirror and a candied apple, which she squealed and beamed when she spied them. So far so good.

I told the kids the story of Snow White as animated and sing -songy as I could mange and then finished by naming all the kids after the dwarfs. The problem arose when I realized there were 10 kids and only 7 dwarfs.

_Holy Shit…what do I call these extra kids? Larry, Daryl and Daryl? No… too 1981. Larry, Curly and Moe? No...too Stoogish. Shit…_

One of the boys was older and was bossing his little sister around so he became Bossy. His sister was crying, so she became Whiney and the last little guy was in desperate need of a diaper change so I dubbed him Stinky.

We marched around the house singing Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go...Some of the parents joined my G-rated conga line. Grandpa Frank swiftly shoved Macy out of the way and latched onto my waist and continued to whisper about himself in my ear. Seems Grandpa Frank was a divorced attorney with stock in Viagra. Wonderful. A horny, rich, erectile dysfunctional stalker with a teenage Snow White fetish. Just my luck.

_He was NOT the Prince Charming I had in mind. _

I took a bite of my "poisonous" apple and in a flash was into an Oscar worthy reproduction of a fainting Snow White awaiting her Prince Charming's rescue. With my hand backward over my forehead and swaying, I landed on the couch with a thud. I could hear the kids yelling, "Kiss Her! Kiss Her!" I was as still as I could be while I waited for the mayhem that was bound to happen.

Bossy said, "I'm not kissing her," his arms crossed in a defiant huff. Doc came over to take a peek, then Dopey. Grumpy and Sleepy hedged into the forming circle as Bashful and Grandpa inched closer in. I opened an eye realizing that no one was planning on kissing me, which kind of killed the whole theatrical scene. As soon Stinky climbed up on my lap and proceeded to hump my leg, I thought _okay, close enough_. I was upright before Grampa Dwarf began mouth-to-mouth.

We cut the elaborate magic mirror shaped cake and took about a bazillion pictures. I helped Macy pass out her treat bags, which when I realized there were extras, I swiped one and shoved it discreetly into my bag. Then, I ooohhed and ahhhhed at the appropriate moments as she opened her gifts. Her mom pulled me aside, apologized for her capricious father and handed me a check for my services telling me I was fantastic. On top of the check was a stack of bills that I assumed were my tips. I thanked her and hugged Macy goodbye wishing her a Happy Birthday and telling her to wish on a star for her Prince Charming.

_If it were only that easy…mine wouldn't be afraid to kiss me. _

As I was leaving, Grampa Frank slipped a business card in my hand and told me to call him if I ever needed anything. Then I noticed the fifty-dollar bill tucked in there. The stack of tips I received from Macy's mom totaled sixty seven dollars, and with Grampa Perv's tip on top of my cut from Billy, I had made two hundred and seventeen dollars for one hour of work.

_Apparently Snow White knew how to shake 'em down._

I drove back to Billy's beeping my horn at the kids that waved to me out of the back seats of their parent's mini vans. My mind wondered to Edward, thinking what he would do if I pulled up next to him at a light.

I was daydreaming about last night when he told me I was the prettiest girl at the party and blew me my kiss. Damn, I wish I could have done something a little less cheesy than pretending to grab the kiss and press it to my lips. However, he seemed to have gotten the message. I watched him walk home from my kitchen window and I could have sworn I saw him smiling to himself. I was probably just tired and letting my imagination run wild. Edward was certainly the sexiest most mysterious boy I had ever met and I really, really wanted to see him in Prince Charming outfit, kiss me awake and make all my dreams come true.

_Okay, maybe not with the tights, though._

I changed back to jeans and a sweater, scrubbed the horrible make up off my face and met my father and Maggie for dinner at a local seafood restaurant right on the pier. Outside on the harbor, the rain had started, leaving the water rippled in mesmerizing concentric circles. I ordered the bisque and crab cakes and squeaked when my phone buzzed with a text from Edward. Dad looked annoyed and Maggie smirked, knowing my reaction could only mean that the text was from a boy.

_**How did it go?**_

_**Great. Made $217. No 1 puked on me.**_

_**LOL. Awesome. Missed you in the TH today.**_

_**Really? Nice 2 B missed.**_

_**C U 2morrow.*wink***_

_**Not if I CU first ***__**wink**__*****_

My dad cleared his throat all irritated, as I rolled my eyes, shoving the phone back in my purse. We talked about the Homecoming party and how the police were called, because Charlie had to remind me that he still had connections, as if I were some hoodlum and my actions necessitated warning. Puhleeeease.

The next day at school I was sort of floating. I was wearing my new plaid skirt which was way too short and a fuzzy pink sweater with my cashmere high socks that I loved. I felt like a slutty Catholic School third grader, but I got a ton of compliments on the outfit so I figured it was a hit. Edward and I gave each other weird looks in English, like we were little kids who just discovered a big secret.

Then he stared at me while I was in the lunch line, and I felt so self-conscious about it. I carefully orchestrated my every move as to not do something ridiculous while his eyes were fixated on me. At the table, Rose excitedly gave every single detail of Emmett's over the top display and proudly winked telling us that holding out was the key to wrapping a man around your finger. Apparently Alice was taking tips from Rose now too as she had begun to completely ignore Jasper.

_This should be interesting._

By seventh period, Edward and I were alone, finally able to have a conversation. I was tremendously relieved that there was no awkwardness between us.

When he asked me to spend the day with him in Port Angeles I almost had a mild stroke. I mean, he was asking me on a date, right? Shit, what the hell was I going to wear? I wondered where he would take me and if maybe, just maybe he would attempt to hold my hand or dare I even wish…to kiss me?

He asked me to join him for a cigarette outside, and I really wanted to, but in truth I wanted to get my homework done and I was too giddy to even speak. Practically bouncing in my seat, I pulled out my phone to text Alice and Rose with my stupendous news. As I was typing, I overheard a familiar voice swoon over Edward as he passed her table.

"Oh my God, he's so fucking hot." I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to see who it was. Makenna was giggling and fanning herself animatedly.

_I knew she had a thing for him!_

"Who, Cullen?" A tall kid named Sam asked with mild disgust. "He's a fucking homo."

"So, he's a hot homo," Jessica added, slouching in her seat with her slutty leg on the table. "Have you seen his ass? Hell-lo..." I wrinkled my nose at their comments, the anger beginning to boil up inside of my chest. Who the fuck did they think they were?

Royce, Sam's ugly pimple faced wingman spat, "Yeah and you know what's been_ in_ that ass? Another guy's dick...fucking nasty." They all groaned and I watched Lauren toss her note book across the table at Royce's curly haired head. It looked like pubes.

"Hey, you know why Edward's hair is all messed up like that? Because his fucking boyfriend runs his hands through it when Cullen's on his knees sucking dick." All the girls shrieked while Sam pushed his hips forward a few times, pretending to have sex with the air.

My ears were red and I was just about to get up and say something when Makenna said softly, "I don't think he's gay. He hangs out with Bella Swan."

Jessica giggled, "That's cause she's his Fag Hag." They laughed hysterically as if it was the funniest thing they ever heard.

_I. Was. Pissed._

Then Lauren said, "Has anyone ever even seen him with a girl other than Bella? I never have. And at the party Saturday...Edward was like, beating those guys up for that exchange student kid. Maybe that kid is his boyfriend or something."

Jessica gasped clapping her hands together, "Oooh Oooh…did you see him with Emmett? He was like hugging him and kissing Edward's cheek and stuff. I was right there by the keg, I saw him do it!"

"Emmett's his brother, you Tard," Sam scoffed. I rose, gathering my belongings in my shaking hands.

"So? Aren't they like, step brothers? No blood relation, so maybe they all fuck each other. Edward, Jasper and Emmett in a gay love triangle with Bella watching from her convertible." Lauren had so much acid in her tone it infuriated me. I wasn't exactly warm to her upon my arrival back in Forks, but I had known her my whole life practically. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, and either did any of the Cullen boys, particularly Edward.

"Well, I don't know for sure about anyone else but trust me, _Jasper_ is not gay," Makenna said softly.

By that point I was seething. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and clutched my little pocketbook to my chest. My heart was beating at what felt like a million beats a second as I skirted around the table, through the arched entryway out of the little alcove our table was nestled in. As soon as Makenna saw my face, her mouth hung open and she dropped her gaze to the table, like a child caught doing something terribly naughty. I stared them down for a minute with narrowed eyes as all of their banter quieted down and their deflated gazes lifted to meet mine. They were all looking so uncomfortable and guilty and they made me sick.

I no longer had control over my actions; seemingly similar to that of a mother animal protecting her young from dangerous prey. I wanted to lunge across the table and I would have, except that my skirt was so damn short.

"Why don't you all just shut the fuck up?" I spat venomously.

"Aww, look the Fag Hag is defending her queer boy," Sam chuckled darkly cocking his head to the side. If I were closer, I would have hit him in the mouth. "Hey tell me…is he the girl in his relationships or the guy?"

Through gritted teeth I sneered, "You are all a bunch of assholes, you know that? Edward is _not _gay."

"Are _you_ sleeping with him?" Lauren asked with a cocky, all knowing tone.

"Maybe." Without thinking, I said it with a little head /neck snap. "Maybe it's _my_ fingers that are messing up his hair while he's doing_ it_ with_ me_. So how about you all just shut the fuck up about shit you know nothing about because you all sound unbelievably stupid."

They stared at me incredulously, as I held a smug little smile on my face, the picture of calm and confident. Inside I was fucking pissing myself. I did not do well with confrontation, and in fact, I pretty much did anything in my power to avoid it. That is actually what led to my very first panic attack when I had confronted Bree and Chelsea and ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.

But here and now, someone was messing with my boy, and I wasn't having anyone talking shit about him. Not now, not ever. I had had enough of that in California.

The five of their faces fell, pale and silent, clearly put in their place, as I cocked an eyebrow, turning to walk away. I had no idea where all that came from, but apparently it was hidden somewhere inside of me waiting to rage out. I think the Prozac did a sufficient job of keeping my mood stabilized on a relatively even keel, and it was rare that I even raised my voice these days.

I turned on my heel, taking long strides out of the library with trembling legs. Once I got to the nearby empty back stairwell, I collapsed against the wall, breathing hard as I wiped the thin layer of sweat of my forehead. As I slumped down to the floor, I realized that this time was very different from the others. Instead of the familiar feeling of being disconnected and overwhelmed with fear, a rush of adrenaline surged through my veins and my skin and my entire central nervous system making me feel like I had been woken up after a very long sleep. I was proud and triumphant and I felt like a hero.

Practically flying down the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me, I wove in and out of the meandering mass of bodies toward the girl's locker room.

Alice was already there standing in a very ornate blue lace bra and matching panty set and I briefly wondered if she always wore such elaborate undergarments to school. Plopping down on the bench beside her, I held my face high as I spoke animatedly with my hands while spewing out the entire scene. For most people it wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was a true accomplishment that resulted in victory.

Rose and Angela came in halfway through the telling demanding a verbal repeat in which Alice did in one long high pitched breath. I swear I heard dogs howling in the distance. I must have transferred my exuberance through osmosis like because she looked like she was ready to climb the walls. Rose and Angela looked upon me with similar gleams reflecting in their eyes- ones of sisterly pride and awe. When the four of us entered the gym, (I flittered in like a ballerina), my eyes caught Edward's immediately as he and all of the boys were resigned to sit on the bleachers for a lecture.

He smirked and nodded at me when I waved and it was as if Edward and I had a secret that no one else knew. I had defended his honor, protected him from the harsh and hateful words of his peers and came to his rescue like a valiant knight. Okay so, maybe it should be the other way around, but at the moment it was all semantics.

And he was taking me on a date Wednesday to top it all off.

I smiled at him widely while spiking a volley over the net with unbridled enthusiasm and actually scoring for the first time ever in the history of my Phys Ed career. He shot me a surprised look, and then winked at my success. I wanted to run to him and hug him as tightly as I could.

_I told them, Edward. I did it for you!_

_I won't let anyone hurt you, E._

I was high, flying… feeling beautiful and swirlie and free. When the bell rang, we changed into our clothes giggly and silly and I realized that I finally did want that cigarette from Edward. I couldn't wait to get outside to talk to Edward and tell him what happened. I left the girls, telling Alice I would meet her outside at my car. Angela joined me as we walked together laughing and talking animatedly through the double exit doors.

I spotted Edward immediately, leaning against his car with a hint of gray smoke whirling above his beautiful head. He was talking to Mike with Jasper standing at his side. Even from the distance I was at, I could plainly see that they both wore perplexed expressions, and Edward's mouth suddenly twisted into what looked like an angry snarl. His eyes flickered up, meeting mine briefly, before he focused back on Mike.

"See you tomorrow, Bella!" Angela called as Ben caught her by the waist. I waved good bye, still smiling, as I walked closer to Edward. Something was wrong…very wrong. Edward's eyes met mine again and narrowed into tiny little slits as his lips parted. I could see his teeth bared as he glared at me, scornful, malicious, and surprisingly frightening. The look stunned me frozen to the pavement as I felt all the color drain from my face and my heart began to beat erratically. My perma- smile was no more.

Almost as if in slow motion, like a movie playing on the Cullen's giant television, his hands balled into fists at his sides as he pushed through the crowd of people stalking toward me with his teeth gritted and his nostrils flared.

I suddenly felt very, very small and very, very insignificant.

He stopped short just a few inches away from me, his proximity startling. "What the_ fuck_ did you say to Royce and Sam?" His words cut like glass; they were so venomous yet eerily controlled and soft spoken. He was quiet enough that he did not make a scene- we were simply two people talking in a high school parking lot.

My mouth opened but only a faint wheeze seeped out before I managed to stutter. "I um…I said… my fingers were messing up your hair while you were...doing your thing …on me." I could barely get the words out of my mouth, knowing how awful it sounded, and how ashamed I was suddenly for putting Edward into this situation unwillingly. It never even once occurred to me that he would be upset about it.

"And why the_ fuck_ would you say that?" His pale green eyes were so intense now, I couldn't bear to look into them any longer, yet I was too intimidated to look away.

"Because they were saying that you were gay and that…"

He sharply cut me off. "What… you think because I admit to you I'm not gay you have to right to fucking tell people we're sleeping together? What makes you think for a fucking second that I need some girl to preserve my reputation?"

"They called me a fag hag!" I screeched, having nothing coherent in my brain to offer. The all too familiar dreaded feeling of impending doom lingered on the fringe of my consciousness, waiting for the precise moment to flood all of my senses with its angry wrath.

He nodded his head slowly with this crazy, sardonic smile across his face. "So you were protecting your own reputation? You have no fucking idea what you just did. Not a fucking clue what this could do to me… Fuck Bella! You should have just kept your fucking mouth shut, goddammit."

"I'm sorry E…" I said, as my lip quivered. I felt my breathing catch and a thick lump form in my throat as my chest grew suddenly tight as a stretched rubber band. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…" I whispered, my body trembling and tears pricking my eyes. Instinctively I reached out to touch his arm.

Edward snatched his arm away, sneering, "Don't ever fucking touch me." Then he turned away from me angrily, walking in long strides back to his car, where he yelled for Jasper to get the fuck in.

I remained frozen in the parking lot when the panic struck hard. All I could hear were voices swimming around me and the rhythmic sound of my heart thumping loudly in my ears and I was suddenly profusely sweating and clawing at the neck of my sweater because it felt like it was choking me. I gasped for air, similar to what an asthmatic would do, only I couldn't catch my breath as I felt so disconnected and displaced from my body. I realized Alice was at my side, tugging on my arm to move out of the way of the cars who were trying to get past me. I never heard the blaring horns or Alice's pleas to get out of the street, just the harsh words spoken by the boy I was so crazy about.

Edward pulled out of the parking spot in a flash, leaving me with a brief glimpse of his angry face staring straight ahead while Jasper looked at me through the passenger window with his hands up as if to say, _What the fuck, Bella?_

The tears began to stream down my face as Alice dragged me to my car. My body buckled in between the crappy little Toyota next to my Audi, while I placed my palms on the cold metal for support as I sunk down to my knees. I couldn't breathe...gasping, choking…trying to find my bearings. Alice was frantic, trembling with fright as she kneeled in front of me while searching in her bag for her phone. When I realized she was calling an ambulance, I smacked her hand away breathing out, "_Panic attack… no hospital."_

She rubbed my back for what seemed like forever, as the parking lot eventually cleared out and my bare knees were burning from the gravel digging into my skin. My fingers and toes had gone numb, a result of the shallow breaths I was gasping in fruitlessly trying to fill my lungs. My face was tear stained and I felt broken, exhausted and ashamed.

I asked Alice to drive home, while I rode out the end of the attack. She asked me repeatedly what happened and I could only manage the words, "He hates me...he hates me." Alice called Edward a bunch of derogatory names as she held my hand the whole way home. "Don't call him a Fucktard, Al...he didn't do anything, I did," I said, still defending him. She had the day off work, and asked if I wanted company, but I declined, knowing I would rather be alone when I took my Xanax and cried myself to sleep.

I made it to the door, keys in my still trembling hand and gave a cursory glance toward the Cullen home. Edward was on the front step, with his head between his knees while Esme crouched down in front of him and Jasper sort of pacing next to them. Edward looked up quickly at the same time Jasper turned around and I stepped through the door before I could break down again. I went straight to the kitchen cupboard where I kept my Prozac and my Xanax prescription, spilling out a handful of pills into my palm. I took one Xanax, replacing the rest and washed my face.

I paced the floor in front of the couch occasionally peeking out the window towards Edward's house. When they had finally gone inside I changed into a warm pair of sweats, and sunk into the couch waiting for the relief of the little pill to kick in. I needed to talk to Edward, otherwise it would eat away at me slowly until I was burning on the inside from the anguish. I had to right this wrong I made. I had to fix this…somehow make it all better, make Edward like me again.

When I felt comfortably numb and relatively sure that I wouldn't have a relapse, I made my way out the back door, across the yard and tentatively down the path to the tree house where I figured Edward would be smoking. I was so nervous, and petrified at what his reaction would be, that I almost turned around. But when I climbed the ladder, the tree house was empty, no sign that anyone had been there since Edward and I were huddled in there Saturday night. The blanket was folded neatly with the bag on M&M's sitting on top of it, just as Edward had left it. I couldn't bear to be in there all alone, so I climbed back down debating whether to go over to the house and face him.

I sat on the swing in the same spot I had been when Edward told me all about his mother and father, kicking all the little colored candies around, that I had thrown at Edward after he sang. He trusted me with the information about his life, his past, his truths and secrets and I betrayed him. I hurt him and for whatever reason, inadvertently telling people that I had been sexually intimate with him had done something terrible to him. I had no idea what to do.

Time passed slowly, as the sky deepened in color and the chilled air dropped down further. I was lost, and numb and I didn't care about that fact that I was cold and very hungry or that I was depleted from the panic attack, and the adrenaline rush and the frighteningly stark dissolution of one emotion to another. I barely heard the leaves rustling underfoot from the direction of my house. When I looked up, Jasper was standing a few feet away, looking very sad.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, walking closer to me. I nodded my head and immediately burst into tears. Without a word, Jasper pulled me up to stand, wrapping his arms around me so tightly. I drew in his embrace like a sponge, desperately needing the contact and the comfort he was giving me. His hand caressed the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair, as I buried my face in his brown leather jacket. He smelled like cologne and boy and he was warm, so warm. I sobbed into his chest while his hand stayed at the back of my head.

Finally, I said on a choked whisper, "He's really mad, huh?"

Jasper said, "Yeah, he's pissed, but he's more upset too. On the way home he had a fucking panic attack and he had to pull over so I could drive."

I pulled away from Jasper's chest wiping my hand over my eyes. "He had a panic attack?" I asked incredulously. Jasper nodded. I knew he said Edward had anxiety, but it never occurred to me that he had panic attacks.

"What the hell happened?" he asked. I explained word for word what was said in the library, feeling badly about getting Makenna involved. Jasper barely flinched when I told him what she had said about Edward to begin with, so I assumed he really didn't care about her all that much. I told Jasper that I did it out of genuine friendship and that I didn't want anyone spreading vicious lies about Edward or his family. It had all come out so fast in the library that it never even occurred to me that Edward would have a problem with it.

Jasper held onto my arms, still trying to comfort me. "Jasper, he said I had fucked things up so badly for him. He didn't even let me explain why I said it. I'm so sorry, I didn't …I had no idea…what does that even mean?"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Bella, Edward had something really shitty happen to him back in Chicago. He was…" His hands covered his eyes and he shook his head. "He's completely fucked up because of what happened, okay? Everything in his life changed…and he's fucking angry and ...I don't think he should have gotten that mad at you…you didn't know. But he's got a really bad temper and he over reacts sometimes."

"The thing in Chicago…does it have anything to do with a girl?" I asked. When he nodded slowly, the tears came bursting out again in heaving sobs that I couldn't find the will to control. All of the effects of heightened emotion from the afternoon and then the sudden letdown came crashing over me. I moved closer to Jasper longing for the comfort he was freely offering. The Xanax sort of made me feel a little high and inhibited, which is why I think it was so easy for me to cry in front of him.

_Edward had a girlfriend. He won't touch me because of her._

Jasper whispered, "Bella, don't cry. He's not worth it."

I looked up at him in shock, fat, salty tears rolling down my cheeks. "Yes he is. How could you say that...he's your brother?"

"I just mean…it's not your fucking fault and you shouldn't get so worked up over his mood swings. He'll be over it tomorrow, once he sets the record straight with whomever he fucking needs to." Jasper pulled back minutely, touching his fingers to my face. They moved from my cheek, past my ear to the nape of my neck and before I even knew what was happening, his lips brushed mine. For a fraction of a second, his lips parted and met mine before I pulled away.

"Jasper…" I ducked my head, looking down at my shoes. "Jasper, don't…I can't."

"It's because you like him, don't you? You really fucking like him?" he groaned, running his hands through his hair again. "Bella, Edward can't be your boyfriend. He's …too fucked up to be what you want him to be. He's just going to hurt you with the truth of his past and… I'm sorry. He's my brother and I love him, but that's the reality."

I stood staring down at my hands, knowing I'd almost kissed my oldest friend's love and the brother of the boy I would do anything for. What a fucking mess I had made.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, Bella. You just…you reminded me so much of Emily, I just didn't…" He bit his lip. Jasper embraced me one more time, but my body stayed ridged against him now.

"Thank you for listening, Jasper. I'm so tired. I'll see you…whenever, kay?" I broke free from his grasp, not meeting his gaze as I walked slowly up the path to my house. He called after me, but I just waved without looking at him.

I fell asleep in my clothes, curled in a ball underneath the covers, too numb to cry, too upset to think and too frustrated to stay awake.

I woke just after noon the next day. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a long time, replaying the conversation in the library, the confrontation with Edward and Jasper's words. I talked to God a bit, hoping I could get some solace from that. I did not.

I was so distracted and absent, that I dropped my entire bottle of Prozac accidentally into the sink. After I showered, I drove into town, picked up the refill prescription pills and walked around the store like a zombie. An M&M display at the register made me cry. I was depressed and so preoccupied with Edward that I barely remembered I'd promised my father I would make lasagna for dinner. He was really looking forward to it, and though I had no desire at all to cook I though it would probably distract me from everything else.

As soon as I had returned from my trip to the grocery store, Alice came by asking for a ride to work, but since I was in the middle of dinner I just gave her my keys and told her to be careful with it. She was so grateful she threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek whispering, "You know I love you Bella and you can tell me anything. I wouldn't ever betray your trust."

I couldn't bear to even be alone with her after feeling so guilty about Jasper. This would kill her.

I put on my favorite pink fuzzy slippers, placed my iPod in the docking station and began to prepare the lasagna for dinner. Cooking and preparing the meal kept me physically occupied for the most part, but not for a second did my thoughts stray from what had transpired yesterday. The angry words whispered from Edward's mouth, his expression, of course my horrific panic attack that scared poor Alice…and Jasper's kiss.

_Jasper fucking kissed me. Sort of._

_This is bad…so bad. _

Pressing my palm to my forehead, I willed the image away while thwarting the residual feelings of his soft lips on mine- and his dejected expression when he understood that it was Edward that I had been hoping would be the one to kiss me.

But Edward was furious with me, apparently he was embarrassed at the idea that I had told Sam, Royce and the Skanky girls that I'd slept with him. And he didn't care one bit that I did it because they were spreading rumors that he was gay even though me sleeping with him wasn't at all true.

He would prefer people think him a homosexual than have them think he had sex with me.

_Wow._

I just couldn't deal with them talking shit about him. Why I felt so protective of him was clearly beyond me, but it was so present and nagging like I knew he needed to be helped and I was the one to do it.

_You love him, that's why you're so protective._

Since I'd opened my eyes at the first light of the morning, I had been fidgety and on edge. Right at that moment, I really just wanted to smoke a joint to calm my nerves. Not since the first day of school had I felt like I needed to get high to ease my stress as opposed to wanting to get high just to have fun. Aside from the prescription antidepressants meant to quell my anxiety, and the occasional Xanax after a particularly aggressive panic attack, I didn't like having to rely on anything to get me through a rough patch. I just wasn't that kind of person. Maybe it was because I had associated smoking with hanging out with Edward and Jasper. It really was the most looked forward to and enjoyable part of the week when I was with them_. _

_With him…_

But obviously, that wasn't happening ever again. My days of playing in the tree house out back with the boys were done. Edward, whom I was nuts about wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. And Jasper…God what the hell was I supposed to do about Jasper?

_Nice going Bella...way to make a fresh start in Forks._

I sighed in frustration as I lifted the long noodles from the boiling water and began to arrange them in neat rows along the bottom of the pan. Intermittently, I stirred the pot of tomato sauce on the stove, occasionally tasting it. It was damn good, but I had no appetite, though I had not eaten since lunch the previous afternoon.

Today had been such a shit day. All afternoon long, my heart was racing for no reason and my mind was wheeling with so many fixated thoughts I could barely even comprehend them or control them any longer. I just kept replaying it over and over in my head, obsessing about it as it consumed all of my attention - particularly Jasper's words. "He's fucked up because of what happened. Everything in his life changed and he's angry Bella…"

_What the fuck did that mean anyway?_

I knew what it meant. What Jasper neglected to tell me in so many words I easily decoded. Edward been in love and had his heart broken in Chicago, just like Jasper? It would explain so much- why he wouldn't physically touch me, why he was so cold to me, why he made it clear yesterday that he didn't need "some girl" to protect him…why his eyes were always so sad…

All this time I thought he had a fear of being touched. And yes, for a while I did waver on the notion that he may be gay. But I'd never considered that he had been in love before.

Almost an hour later, as I busied myself with cooking dinner and obsessing over Edward, I had completely lost track of time. Just as I slid the tray into the oven, Charlie called from Seattle saying that he was stuck on surveillance and he wouldn't arrive home until late tomorrow night.

_Great._

_Well, sorry dad, but I guess I'm eating dinner without you again._

I sighed again, my heart feeling the uncomfortable yet all too familiar squeeze of anxiety, reminding me that I hadn't yet taken my pill. I pulled the bottle out of the pharmacy bag and tried fruitlessly to open the foil child safety seal that encased the container. Cursing and muttering under my breath, I grabbed a knife in the drawer attempting to cut the foil open. The knife slipped across the bottle, searing straight through the fleshy part of my palm like I'd meant to filet a chicken breast.

"Fucking shit!"

The blade and the partially unopened bottle dropped to the kitchen floor noisily, as I held my burning palm to my chest. Blood began seeping out of the slice in my hand in a tight line as I examined it, breathing deeply to avoid throwing up and having to deal with another full fledged panic attack while I bled to death in my own newly refinished kitchen.

With just a glance at the depth of the cut, I knew from past experience that I would need likely stitches immediately. Frantically, I looked for my keys when I remembered that I had loaned my car to Alice for the night knowing that I would be occupied here with Charlie's dinner. Since he was three hours away, calling him to help would be futile and I would have bled to death by the time he arrived. Rose was supposed to be with her sister in Port Angeles…

_Shit…_

I thought that I could go over to the Cullens, but then I would have to face both Edward and Jasper. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I took a quick peek at my hand again, still bleeding profusely all over my fitted white t-shirt. Wrapping a towel around it, I resigned to do the unthinkable. I padded down the street in my stupid fuzzy slippers to the Cullen's house, praying that Esme or Carlisle or Emmett were home…and Jasper and Edward were not. I knew Edward had his piano lesson on Tuesday, but it was after six, so he would probably be home by now.

Unfortunately, Edward's BMW was parked in the driveway alongside Jasper's Nissan 350Z.

_Bite it, Bella. You're going to need a transfusion any second._

Shutting my eyes and willing away the nausea, I rapped on the door three times with my good hand, praying silently that if anyone up there loved me, it would be Emmett that answered. The door opened. "Hey, what's up, Tink?"

_Emmett. Praise Baby Jesus._

His tone was characteristically playful until his eyes gazed downward at my blood soaked shirt and he turned a ghastly shade of green.

"What the hell happened? You get stabbed?" I had never heard Emmett's voice so high before.

"I cut my hand with a knife… I think I need stitches…and I need a ride to the ER… please," I breathed, begging with my eyes as I tried to methodically control my breathing.

"Dad! Come quick!" he yelled, turning toward the massive curved staircase. As Emmett's voice boomed through the house, Jasper appeared from the den, his expression horrified and his hand stationary inside of a bag of chips. I could see from across the room that Jasper's mouth was swollen and deeply reddened, a slice of his lip had been bleeding. He had obviously been hit in the mouth.

"What the hell happened to you?" Jasper asked, as he stood frozen in place. I moved my mouth to speak, but couldn't get a word in edgewise because Carlisle bounded across the living room and at the first sight of the blood Esme, ever the doting caring mother, ushered me into their massive kitchen. Carlisle pulled out two chairs from the large table, taking a seat in one as I sat in the other. Jasper stood in silence behind my chair. I could feel him peering over my back at the wound and hissing. It was not helping.

Carlisle pressed a clean towel into my hand applying pressure onto the wound. He gave Esme a verbal list of items to retrieve from his office using technical terms, as he unwrapped the towel to inspect my hand again. "It's deep, but not severe enough to have caused nerve damage. A few stitches will fix you up just fine. How did you do this, Bella?"

"I was trying to open a safety seal on a bottle. I was just really distracted." Carlisle nodded as if he understood completely. Esme gave me a sympathetic look that read, _poor, poor Bella._

"Thank you so much for doing this Carlisle. Hey Jasper? What happened to your face?" I asked quietly, not turning around.

"Aww, it's nothing. You should see the other guy," he joked, plainly indicating that he had no intention of elaborating on the subject further. I accepted that and dropped it, though I was more than curious to get the real scoop out of him.

Once Esme returned armed heavily with supplies, I breathed a sigh of relief as Carlisle took the syringe, filling it and injecting my palm with the numbing agent. I hissed through my teeth as the needle penetrated my palm, stinging terribly, but I sighed in relief as the numbness spread quickly, warming the area in a painless few seconds. Carlisle mumbled an apology as the liquid drained from the barrel of the syringe into my flesh. I turned my face away from the procedure and cowardly hid it in the hand that was resting on the wooden table.

Esme peered over Carlisle's shoulder and whispered, "Oh! You've cut through your heart line." I met her gaze questioning her observation.

"Heart line? Am I going to die?" I asked nervously, thinking I severed a main artery or something. Carlisle snorted and Esme's sweet laughter trilled throughout the high ceilinged kitchen. I suddenly felt very stupid and childish.

"No, sweetie, your heart line is also your love line. Here… look," she said softly, taking my good hand gently into hers. "This is your heartline," she traced her finger over the crease that was just under the fleshy part of my palm. "This is your head line… communication, intelligence." She drew her finger over the line in my palm that ran parallel with the heartline. "Your life line is here…but it means your health and well being, not how long you will live," she said, running her finger along the line that arced around my thumb. "And this is your fate line…your destiny." She smiled tentatively as she swept her pinkie up the center of my hand, tickling me.

"What…does my heartline say?" I asked hesitantly. Even though I was scared shitless that she would say I was doomed to live a loveless live of sorrow and abstinence, I was appreciative because it was taking my mind off of the fact that Carlisle was threading a thick strand of string through a needle.

Esme examined my hand, wrinkling her little button nose. Her head cocked to the side. "Well, your heartline is fairly straight and parallel to the headline, so that means you have a good handle on your emotions. But see this here? It's broken in this spot…that means emotional trauma." She gave me a small smile, releasing my hand.

"Should I be worried? What do I do?" I asked meekly, looking to her for guidance. It seemed like everything was falling apart in one instant and I was afraid.

Carlisle scoffed, pausing momentarily to look at me. "Bella, I wouldn't put too much stock into that palm reading nonsense. The lines on your hands do not determine your fate. Making smart choices and using caution with your decisions is the best way to determine your future." Esme rolled her eyes and pretended to smack Carlisle in the back of his head. He saw her do it, but just smiled.

Jasper's hands, suddenly pressing gently down on my shoulders, offered an odd comfort along with an instant relaxation sensation. As much as it was slightly awkward because of the prior afternoon, I was grateful of his presence regardless. While I diverted my gaze away from the stitches about to be sewn into my flesh, in the back of my mind, hopelessly trying to fight off the thoughts and failing miserably, I was curious as hell wondering where Edward might be that afternoon.

Carlisle began to run the black thread through the parted halves of my skin. I kept my eyes hidden in my fingers resting my elbow on the table while he worked on the injured hand. I kept my heartbeat regulated and remembered about breathing deeply- quite proud of myself that I was in control of my reactions to the situation. Emmett excused himself from the room, still appearing green, while Esme asked me if I wanted anything to drink, which I politely refused.

I was doing great; I really was, mentally patting myself on the back for being so brave, when it all fell to shit. Footsteps bounding down the stairs and Edward's melodic voice booming through the house startled me, simultaneously making my heart palpitate out of my chest and my blood pump infinitely harder through my veins. I was certain Carlisle could see it as he was sitting in such close proximity to me.

"Mom, have you seen my white thermal shirrrrr…" He stopped short in the doorway, frozen in place with his palms pressed on either side of the arched entryway, a pair of white socks clasped in one hand.

_Holy Mary Mother of God in Heaven._

Upon hearing his voice near, I spread the fingers over my eyes, allowing me enough space to peer out in a side ways glance. He stood, not six feet away from me barefoot, dressed in nothing but a pair of low slung, dark fitted jeans with the button and zipper half way open. The white band of his black underwear was peeking out the waist band of the jeans, displaying the name Emporio Armani. He was shirtless and his hair was disheveled and much darker than I had ever seen it because it was damp. His face was clean shaven as usual, but he had a circular red and purple bruise under his eye just over his reddened swollen cheekbone. Even with his face marred like that he took my breath away.

Six pack abs…pecs so defined they put my own pathetic tits to shame. His chest was completely smooth and hairless, but as my eyes traveled down his torso, I could see small patch of dark hair trailing down to the goods. The smooth curve of his shoulders leading to his biceps, coiled tightly around perfectly defined muscle that cut in ripples and waves all over his torso.

And so help me God, not only did he have the black tribal band around his right bicep, but a little silver ring through his right nipple. He was so beautiful I wanted to cry. I almost did. Did I mention he was shirtless?

I almost passed out.

At the moment Edward appeared in the door way, in my periphery I noticed Carlisle lift his gaze momentarily from his fixed spot on my hand. He visibly stifled a snicker, shaking his head slightly. What I didn't realize until later was that he while steadying my hand in his, his thumb was splayed across my wrist right over my pulse point. He was able to actually feel my pulse rate and blood flow intensify under his thumb when I heard Edward's voice... and observed his half naked body gleaming in the afternoon light of his family's kitchen while I mentally molested him a hundred different ways. It was an involuntary physiological reaction. He knew that Edward's presence excited me.

_How fucking mortifying._

"What the hell? B, are you okay?" Edward asked in almost a gasp, his voice low and full of concern. I admit I was touched, but did nothing but nod twice.

Carlisle looked from me and then to Edward standing in the doorway half naked. He began working again, and said, "Edward, after you find a shirt, maybe you would like to observe if it's okay with Bella."

Esme pointed to the laundry room, indicating the location of the shirt in question, which I secretly hoped he would never ever find. Edward nodded, mumbling something incoherent, before moving swiftly across the kitchen. My eyes followed his path as he disappeared into the laundry room. He reappeared wearing a white thermal shirt that clung to the curves and lines of his heavenly body. I could, for the first time, actually see the distinct outline of the ring through his nipple, and I wondered why I had never noticed it before. It was practically a guarantee that this boy was going to give me a stroke before we even made it to Halloween.

_Good, I could go as a dead girl._

Edward crouched on his knees beside us, watching intently as Carlisle narrated every step he took. Edward glanced at me once, a compassionate almost pleading look in his eyes. It confused me.

"Edward is interested in becoming a doctor," Carlisle explained with a definite air of pride in his voice.

Edward clarified flatly, "Sports medicine." His gaze broke from my hand briefly landing on my eyes. His green eyes looked so terribly sad. I ached to hold him in my arms and take his pain away, despite the fact that he was angry with me.

I wondered what it was that had me so drawn to him. It was so much more than his looks, I knew deep down. We understood each other; got one another's ridiculous sense of humor. We shared so many common interests like reading and writing and music. I had seen him do things, uncharacteristically kind things for people, that just made me want to know him more. And the pain that flickered in his eyes had me aching to hold him closely, to do everything in my power to take the rage away. To make him heal from whatever his broken heart needed…

Carlisle tied off the end of the thread and said, "Have you taken Percocet before?" He pulled out a bottle from his bag of treats, spilling six of the pills into a small baggie.

"Yes, once when I broke my arm. Um, Carlisle," I said quietly with a grimace, "drug interactions?" He nodded, casually asking everyone to kindly excuse us. The three of them left promptly while I let Carlisle quietly know that I was taking Prozac. When I explained the Prozac was for anxiety and panic attacks, he oddly smirked a bit, nodding his head.

"Do you have them often?" he asked.

Looking down at the table in unnecessary embarrassment I replied, "They are just situational now, not really random anymore. They were really bad for a while, the attacks are usually brought on by stress, which is why I moved here… to relieve some of the stress, but I don't think that worked, it just gave the stress another outlet and … I've learned to control them for the most part. I had one yesterday," I rambled, suddenly biting my bottom lip in effort to shut the hell up. I realized that I had almost certainly offered too much information and he probably only wanted to know about the attacks from a medical standpoint anyhow.

He nodded his head again. "Panic attacks are very common amongst your age group. There's a lot of pressure on you kids." He smiled warmly when I didn't reply, adding, "Take one every six hours until tomorrow evening at least an hour apart from the Prozac. The soreness should go away by tomorrow evening. I would also like to see you in a week to remove the stitches. I suppose I should call Charlie as well."

"No, that's okay, Carlisle. I'll let him know. He's busy with a case in Seattle. Stuff like this happens to me al the time. It's really no big deal."

Esme returned from the laundry area, back to work at the counter where she was preparing dinner, and asked me to stay just as Edward and Jasper reappeared in the kitchen. Esme handed me a glass of water and one of the Percocets, which I took immediately.

I gasped, remembering the lasagna in the oven that was still cooking. "I have dinner still in the oven and I need to get back, but thank you, anyway."

"Well, one of the boys will walk you home," Esme said with a smirk, gesturing to her sons with a long knife. "Edward?"

"I was on my way over to her house anyway. Bella, would it be okay …if I walked you home?" Edward asked, staring straight at me. I was confused by the notion, but nodded with a confused eyebrow quirked, admittedly excited and yet completely baffled as to why he had intended to come over to see me.

"Feel better, Bella," Jasper said flatly, disappearing back into the den.

I thanked Carlisle, taking my baggie full of painkillers and waving a grateful goodbye with my skillfully bandaged hand. Without bothering to ask Esme's permission, Edward opened the coat closet pulling one of her short wool coats out and draped it carefully over my shoulders, careful to not touch me.

_What the hell?_

"It's starting to rain again," he said softly, answering my question. I called out to Carlisle, thanking him again as Edward ushered me out the front door. We walked side by side down the paved road in silence, until the question gnawed at me and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Your eye. You and Jasper were in a fight?"

He was startled when I spoke. "Um, yeah," he said flatly, looking forward, his solemn features covered in a dewy sheen from the misty rain.

"With who?"

"Each other." He continued to look ahead as he walked, deliberately shortening his strides to meet mine.

"You and Jasper, really? Over what…?" I hedged, knowing it was completely none of my business, but still feeling balsy enough to inquire. Perhaps it was my new injury that would suddenly make Edward feel compassion and open up to me. I scoffed at the thought.

"Over a girl," he replied quietly. The corners of his mouth twitched up for a tiny second and then it was gone. I shook my head, sucking on the inside of my cheek in an effort to hold back impending tears.

Once we approached my front door, which I had left unlocked in my haste, he stopped and stammered, "Bella, I wanted to come over to, um…well, I owe you an apology for yesterday."

I spun around surprised. "You don't owe me anything, Edward. You are entitled to feel however you feel for whatever your reasoning. And I am the one who is sorry. I never should have said that, and I apologize if I've caused you problems…I would never do anything to hurt you."

"No, I know you wouldn't…" he stammered. "I shouldn't have been so fucking…harsh with you…I…need to explain something to you, if you'll let me."

I nodded. "Well, then come inside. I need help with something, anyway," I said, knowing that I had the lasagna in the oven and wouldn't be able to lift the heavy pan out one handed. The house was wafting with the delicious aroma of rich Italian smells, and I was thankful I didn't smell it burning. I was suddenly famished.

Edward followed me inside muttering, "Wow, it smells amazing in here."

"It's lasagna. I made it for Charlie but he won't be here to eat it," I said, placing my baggie on the counter. There were little blood droplets splattered all over the floor and in my periphery I saw the bottle of pills next to the area rug with a few spilled out next to the container. He saw it at the same time I went to lean over, and as he picked it up I groaned, crushed that he would know I was on prescription drugs.

He didn't look at the label on the bottle I suppose out of courtesy, but as he held the pills in his palm, he looked up at me questioningly. "Prozac?" I shut my eyes and nodded.

Sighing, I whispered, "For anxiety…panic attacks."

"Huh," he said, clearly surprised by this fact. He set the bottle on the counter, placing the three small pills beside it. "I took Prozac before I changed over to Zoloft because it gave me headaches. I have panic attacks too." I knew that already, but I feigned surprise, as to not rat out Jasper. I was, however, genuinely surprised that he took meds for it.

I handed him two potholders as I opened the oven door with my good hand. Lifting my heavily bandaged hand in the air, I said grimacing, "Would you mind? I'm kind of disabled."

"Um...I'd say you are definitely _hand_icapped." Edward snickered at his own terrible joke as he leaned into the oven, pulled the tray out and placed it on the stove top. I snorted, amused by the fact that he got a kick out of himself.

I watched him conspicuously take a deep whiff, as I fumbled in the drawer for a spatula. "Do you want to stay and eat with me? It's not poisoned, I promise," I added with a smirk.

"Are you sure?" he asked skeptically, his eyebrows raised in surprise at my invitation.

I nodded, smiling. "There's nothing organic in it."

"Then I'm definitely staying," he said excitedly, clapping his hands together.

He served the portions on two plates, setting them on the table while I shakily poured two glasses of Coke one handed. He folded two paper napkins into neat triangles, and arranged the silverware perfectly aside the plates. Watching Edward being all OCD while being domesticated was sexy as hell. All he needed was an apron and a lot less clothing.

I spooned extra sauce onto the plate, and handed him a loaf of Italian bread. He ripped off two big chunks, placing them in our respective plates.

"Wow this is fucking awesome, Bella," he said incredulously, taking a forkful into his mouth. Oh, how I longed to be that fork. I couldn't help but stare at his lips while they chewed. His eyes rolled into the back of his head a bit in completely awe of my cooking, leaving me with a tremendous sense of pride and satisfaction. "I didn't know you could cook," he added, wiping his mouth with his napkin.

"Oh, I can't cook that well… not really. I can make four chicken dishes and lasagna…and easy stuff like pancakes and eggs. My mom made me take a cooking class with her last summer and she dropped out before we got to beef, pork or fish. So my skills are kind of limited, but I like to cook anyhow. I'm learning."

As we enjoyed the lasagna, we chatted about school and nonsense, as if we had been friends for years and never had the conversation we'd had the previous day. It was weird how just a simple apology had taken most of the tension away. I was still waiting anxiously for Edward to tell me why he was so upset with me, but I wanted to let him enjoy the meal before I brought it up.

"Shit, that was good. So…" he said hesitantly, placing his fork onto his empty plate with a clinking sound. His eyes darted to mine, shifted briefly away, and then remained intensely pale green and focused on mine. It took my breath away for a second. "Jasper kissed you, huh?"

His question caught me off guard. "Uh….yeah sort of. It wasn't technically a kiss, 'cause I didn't kiss him back." I shrugged my shoulders. Edward's smile reached the corners of his eyes.

"He told me he spoke to you yesterday…about me. What exactly did he tell you?"

"Not much truthfully. He just said that you had a relationship with a girl Chicago. He wasn't too explicit." I answered honestly, looking up at him through my eyelashes. I started to feel a bit tingly, assuming that the painkillers were slowly working into my system. I probably should have changed my bloody shirt before I ate, but I was too overwhelmed to think about it, really.

"Do you want to know the whole story?" he asked softly, his fingers fidgeting on the table top. It took all I had in me to not jump up and down screaming _Yes! Yes!._..but I maintained my composure and said, "If you want to tell me."

"Well Bella, I owe you an explanation for my behavior, so yeah, I _need_ to tell you." His eyes darted away from mine to the napkin he was playing with in his hands. His eyes met mine again, and through his long dark lashes, I could see his overwhelming fear and sadness swimming around in the green.

It was obvious that he was working up the courage or possibly even debating something internally while he hesitated. But then he exhaled before he said softly, "There was this girl, Charlotte..."

**~%~**

* * *

**Don't hate me. **

**I wanted the explanation to be in Edward's point of view. I'll post soon. And there are all sorts of teasers on the thread, so you may want to check that out. Also, I am too lazy to go back and check if I mentioned it before, but there's outtakes for this story as well. **

**Check on my profile. **

**Xoxoxo**

**Steph**


	13. Chapter 13 Apologies

**As always, thank you to my Spazztard beta Bec for her proofing skills and to SuzyQ402.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 13~ Apologies**

**Looking back at me I see that I  
Never really got it right  
I never stopped to think of you  
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win  
You are the antidote that gets me by  
Something strong like a drug that gets me High  
What I really meant to say  
Is I'm sorry for the way I am  
I never meant to be so cold  
Crossfade~ Cold**

**~Edward~**

"Fucking girls!" I sneered, smashing my fist against the steering wheel. "I fucking trusted her and she's the same as all those other fucking bitches!"

She was still standing motionless in the parking spot exactly where I'd left her…frozen and looking disconnected and distant. In my periphery, I could see her barely flinch, paralyzed and statuesque as cars veered around her while honking. What the fuck was she thinking?

"E...what the fuck is going on?" Jasper snapped, partly confused and partly pissed. I clenched my jaw, thinking about how I was going to fix this shit. My mind was going a hundred fucking miles an hour, whirring with the possibilities of what could happen. I would have to go to the principal on Thursday morning and explain the situation, before the rumor made its way back to her and she dragged me in to her office. I knew she watched me closely, as required by the "powers that be," but I always kept out of trouble and my grades were exemplary. The only time I even met with her was when we first started school here last January, and even then she had made it crystal clear that she would not tolerate inappropriate behavior from any of her students. And by 'any' she meant me.

My throat tightened and I could feel my chest constrict, weighted down by a ten ton elephant . _Fuck._

"Bella asked me if I was gay Saturday night," I said, seething at the memory of feeling completely at ease with her…trusting that she would not betray me. "I told her I wasn't, and she said she told Sam and Royce that she was fucking messing up my hair while I was doing it with her? What the fuck is that?" I shook my head in complete disbelief as I focused on the erratic rhythm of my breathing that was suddenly in the forefront of my mind. I fucking trusted her. I trusted Bella with all sorts of personal shit that I thought she would keep to herself. I was fucking furious that she would do this.

I must have driven a mile or so before I realized that I didn't even use one turn signal or stop at any traffic signs. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. My skin grew clammy and I felt impossibly nauseous. In my chest, my heart was racing and I felt suddenly isolated from the world in an eerie, surreal way. I knew it was coming.

"Yo, Edward, dude…I realize you are pissed, but you might want to obey traffic laws at some point, okay? Just saying…you don't need Forks finest crawling up your ass too." Jasper leered at me while I paid no attention to him. "So that's what she said? Why?"

"I don't fucking know, Jazz, she said they called her a fag hag or some shit. She was trying to defend herself from being associated with a homo, I guess. Fucking bullshit." I gripped the wheel with one hand and the other unconsciously pulled at the front of my hair. I learned that when I felt pain during a panic attack, I could focus on that rather than counting every fucking breath as I tried to fill my lungs with air. Hair pulling hurt like a motherfucker usually, but today it wasn't working. There wasn't enough physical pain I could place on myself to take away the hurt.

"Jesus fucking Christ…Edward pull the fuck over!" Jasper yelled, grabbing the Jesus strap above his head. I pulled the car to the side of the road, flinging the door open and stepping out onto the side of the highway not paying any attention to on coming traffic. Once outside I gasped for air, struggling to find an adequately full breath that would fill my lungs. It was as if no matter how hard I tried or how big of a breath I took, my lungs never felt filled to capacity. Fuck, I needed to stop smoking.

I leaned forward, placing my hands on the roof of my car to brace myself, while cars blurred past mere feet away from me. I shivered in the realization that I could get hit standing like this, but I didn't fucking care at the moment. I just wanted air. Jasper got out of the passenger side, walking around to me, placing his hand in between my shoulder blades.

"Edward what can I do?" he said, his voice concerned and panicked. Jasper hated this. He had only been around a few times to witness my anxiety attacks, but this kind of stuff scared him, so he never dealt with them well. I don't think he liked seeing me not in control and I could tell now, he was afraid.

"Give me a minute…" I gasped. He kept his hand on my back, which felt oddly soothing. He had seen my mother do this I guess, which was why he was imitating her. It was a good ten minutes on the side of the highway, before I got myself together enough to get back in the car. Jasper drove the rest of the way home, jumping out barely before he had the car thrown in park. I got out, stumbling to the front step, where I put my head down in between my legs, continuing to take deep breaths from my nose as the doctors all instructed. Something about letting too much oxygen in and not enough carbon dioxide out, made the fingers and toes numb. That was one of the most frightening parts of anxiety attacks. All of the reactions were the same symptoms as a heat attack. It was fucked up, really.

My mother came running out with a pill and a glass of water, which I knew was a Valium. She crouched in front of me, placing the pill in my hand as she brought the water to my lips. I was so fucking thirty. I drank the entire glass of water, confused and agitated, just wanting to feel better.

"Jasper, what happened?" she asked, as if I were not even there.

"He got in a fight with Bella," Jasper answered. "Long story." I was grateful that for once, his big fucking mouth didn't go off telling her everything because I didn't feel like dealing with it anymore.

The sound of a car pulling on pavement caught my attention. I looked up to see Bella and Alice getting out of Bella's car in her driveway. Alice had been driving. The two girls embraced affectionately, and then Bella gave us a quick glance before slipping inside. I couldn't see her expression, but from the way she looked down and scooted into the house, I got the impression that she was upset.

_Good, I hope she feels like shit._

I felt betrayed, dishonored…abandoned, by the one person I had put my trust into in a very long time. The girl that I thought I was possibly falling in love with. In the back of my mind I wondered if I was being too harsh on her, because she didn't know that saying I was engaging in sexual activities with her was incriminating for me. But still, why the hell would she volunteer that information?

My mom sat next to me, rubbing my back while Jasper disappeared inside. The effects of the Valium hit me hard and soon I was nodding my head…the panic subsided, my breathing was back to normal, and my body was aching for sleep. I didn't remember making it up the stairs.

I woke up later, fucking starving, feeling severely emotionally drained and still a little disconnected. After I ate some halfway decent chicken and potatoes, my mother rubbed my shoulders asking if I wanted to talk about it. I told her no, and then she said that Jasper wanted to talk to me and that he was in the den. I found him sitting on the couch chewing his nails absently, with the television on mute.

"Hey."

He looked up at me with an expression I hadn't seen since I rode his bike into the neighbor's tree when I was seven. "Bro, you have a set of balls the size of Chicago bitching to mom about how I treat girls and how I make them cry, you know that?" I quirked an eyebrow confused. Well, maybe not so much confused as much as feeling trapped.

"Yeah, she had a nice little talk with me the other day, thanks for that. I wasn't planning on saying anything to you because your so fucking sensitive about that shit, so I figured I'd let it slide, but you are such a hypocrite."

"Jasper what the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Bella. She was at the tree house, fucking bawling to me about how sorry she was and how you didn't let her even explain what happened."

"She was crying?"

"No, dude… _sobbing._ She's a fucking mess, thinking that you hate her and all she was doing was defending you and me and Em from those assholes talking shit about us. She was being fucking loyal and you made her feel like a piece of shit."

"What?" I asked meekly, not really understanding what he was saying because I was so focused on the heartbreaking thought of Bella in tears. "Is she okay?"

"I don't know, but I think you need to fucking talk to her. I told her that… you were fucked up… because of a girl in Chicago and she cried even more so I fucking held her until she stopped crying and then…"

"Then, what Jasper?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. She likes you a hell of a lot, and she's fucking crushed," he scowled. "Such a goddamn waste." He said the last part under his breath, not meaning for me to hear it.

"What's a waste?" I asked, acid in my tone as I narrowed my eyes at him. I knew what he was alluding to and I didn't fucking like it.

He looked up at me narrowing his eyes right back. "You…and Bella. She's a good fucking girl and she's wasting her time with you."

"Fuck you, Jasper."

"No, fuck you, Edward," he said rising off the couch. His fists flexed at his side, practically mimicking my own.

"What are you going to do, hit me? Go ahead. I know you want to…I know you've been fucking itching to do it since Emily broke it off with you. Do it already…just fucking do it!" I screamed at him. His whole body was tense; preparing himself to lunge at me, though I had no idea what was holding him back. This was about so much more than Bella. This was about Emily. All the repressed anger he had for the situation with Emily was finally coming to a head because of Bella being emotional in his presence.

"I should beat the piss out of you right now," he seethed, before cocking his head to the side. I knew Jasper had it in him to be a douche. He went through a lot when it all went down in Chicago, and no one really acknowledged it because all the focus was on me at the time. He never talked about his feelings for Emily, so everyone just assumed he was over it. But then, he opened his mouth, and what came out made me realize that he was still fucking immensely bitter and angry and waiting for me to throw the first punch.

"Oh, and just so know…I kissed her, because… _you …fucking…can't_." The smile that came slowly creeping across his face made me fucking sick. He knew I had a temper that I had a hard time controlling. He was deliberately egging me on so that I would hurl my fist first, alleviating him from any of the blame or the repercussions. My father's words rung in my ears…"_Don't start it Edward, but you better finish it_." He had taught all us boys the same thing. Therefore, I knew what Jazz was thinking. Well, truth be told, I had full intentions of being the one to start it_ and_ finish it.

"You vindictive motherfucker, " I sneered as my fist made contact with his mouth and before I knew it we were on the floor, having flipped backward over the couch, landing into the coffee table which buckled under our weight. Jasper's drink went flying and I heard the crash of the glass breaking. Mom's magazines were scattered all over the floor. The batteries from the television remote were bouncing on the carpet. "You are nothing but a back-stabbing Benedict fucking Arnold. You act all concerned about me and shit when all you are tying to do is get in my girl's pants," I screamed at him.

"Your girl? YOUR girl?" You have got to be fucking kidding me!" Jasper screamed incredulously as he clipped my cheekbone with his knuckles, sending me back onto my ass. Jasper fell to his knees and we scuttled on the carpet. I felt the sting of rug burn on my elbow just before I reached and grabbed his right arm flipping him over pinning him down.

"I'm not fucking kidding you, Asshole. Stay away from Bella. She's mine." With his free arm, Jasper whaled into my stomach and as I doubled over, he hit me again on the right side of my face just a little lower, right under my eye. The throbbing began immediately, pulsing and aching over my cheekbone.

"She'll never be yours. You'll never have her. She's not going to wait around for you forever, dick." I had so little energy from the residual effects of the Valium still coursing through my system that he had a huge advantage over me. However, the words from his mouth gave me that last burst of energy I needed. I pushed him across the floor with my legs, sending him veering into the wooded entertainment center. CD's came crashing forward off the shelves. Game controllers were flying out of the cabinet doors below. I wanted to fucking kill him. How the fuck did he know what Bella would do or not do? Like he fucking even knew her at all.

He lunged again, but Emmett grabbed him and lifted him off the floor...his legs still kicking towards me. Mom was standing dangerously between us with her arms stretched outward screaming, "Stop it! Stop it right now!"

I brought my hand to my eye, feeling for the warm spot of blood that was trickling down my cheek. I was breathing hard as I got up off the floor and brushed past the three of them. I turned to Jasper. "Emily was too good for you and so is Alice, you dickhead. She deserves much better. In fact I would rather see her alone than with you. I wonder what she's going to think knowing that you assaulted her best friend. I may have to have a little conversation with Miss Brandon.

I could hear Jasper yelling, "You fucking prick!" behind me, as I made my way to the kitchen. I ignored Emmett's yelling at him to stop, and then eventually I heard the slam of the front door and the screech of Jasper's car pulling out of the driveway. Opening the freezer, I pulled out a bag of frozen vegetables and placed it to my face just as my mother and Emmett turned into the room. Em looked confused since he had just walked into this mess from football practice and my mom, well, she just looked broken.

"Let me look," mom said, pulling the bag away from my eye with a hiss. She touched the skin, making me flinch and mumbled an apology, before sitting down at the center island with Emmett. "It's not too bad, baby. Jasper's mouth looked a lot worse than your face. You two should be ashamed for fighting like that. What's this about?" I looked down, feeling badly that I had disappointed my mom. But whatever, Jasper asked for it.

He kissed Bella.

He _fucking _kissed Bella.

_Because he fucking could._

"Bro, what the fuck is going on with you? Does this have to do with the shit I heard at practice about you and Bella?" Emmett asked.

_Wonderful._

It didn't take long for the rumor wagon to pull into town. I slumped back in my high backed bar stool with a sigh, running my hand over my forehead. "I fucked up, and Jasper kissed Bella," I said flatly, as I threw my hands up in defeat. They both looked at me with wide eyes, surprised to hear the news.

"Wait he kissed her? Edward…" mom said almost panicked looking at Emmett and then back to me. I gave them the abridged version of the events of the day, shaking my head at the end, realizing that a conversation with Bella was entirely necessary.

"I totally overreacted to what Bella had said. But at the time, I didn't understand the full extent of it and I wish I just would have let her explain it to me. I didn't even let her say a word, Mom. I just towered over her and fucking glared at her. When I think about it now...she looked so hurt and scared. The thought of her being alone and upset…I mean, Jasper said she was sobbing to him. Fucking sobbing…God, what did I do?" I groaned, flinching as the bag of icy plastic encountered my face again under my mother's hand.

"Dude, you need to talk to Bella," Emmett said simply, as if it was so fucking easy. "Straighten this shit out before it's too late."

I looked up at him, pleading with my eyes. "I know, I know, but what the hell do I say? How can I avoid telling her about the legal shit and still explain why I freaked out so badly?"

Mom said, reaching across the table as she placed her hand over mine. "Sweetie, I don't think you can. And maybe you shouldn't. Maybe it's time that you are honest with her."

"Mom, no fucking way, she'll…"

"How do you know what she'll do?" She abruptly cut me off, pulling her hand away from my face. "I've seen the way that girl looks at you. She is so head over heels for you that I am just about positive that she will accept you for who you are. You assumed this afternoon and look where it got you. Don't put words in her mouth or thoughts in her head, Edward. She's a smart girl...very capable of making her own choices. She chose to defend you today. She chose to stand up to those kids. Let her choose what kind of relationship she wants with you. You owe her that."

I sat straight up in my chair, tossing the bag on the black granite. "What if she doesn't believe me? What if she wants nothing to do with me?"

"Then she wasn't meant for you, Bro. Think about it. If she can't trust you, then why the hell would you want to be with her anyway? If she decides that she's afraid or whatever, then you just gotta make sure she keeps it between you and her. The last thing you need is for her to tell her girls. E...you have to believe me on this. I'm no expert but I'm not as stupid in the relationship business as people think I am. I knew what Rose was doing. I knew she was trying to get me jealous and it worked. I played right into her game. There is no game with Tink, man. She's straight up. She wasn't trying to screw you over, she was trying to help you in the only way she knew how. Bella had no idea what she was getting her self into. She jumped in feet first to defend you. That has to count for something."

"Of course it counts, Em. I just…I don't know…" I said, completely skeptical, though I knew Emmett was right about the trust thing. I would love to have her know all about what happened and not have to hide or lie about why I flinch away from her every time she tried to touch me, but at the same time, I was petrified that she wouldn't believe my innocence and would want nothing to do with me.

"Listen, this is going to be hard Sweetie, no matter what you decide to do. But you should be honest with her. You have to be. I don't think you have a choice anymore. If you want, we'll be here when you tell her, to back you up, show that we believe you."

_Yeah, wonderful...an audience to watch the fucking train wreck that is my life...step right up…get your tickets here...Cullen the freak is going to tell the girl of his dreams why he cant touch her... _

I sighed, blowing out a huge gust of air. "Jasper was fucking right, that prick. I can't be her boyfriend. There is no fucking way I can tell her I like her and then ask her to wait until she's eighteen before I can even hold her hand. Not a girl like Bella. She's fucking beautiful and smart and everything a guy could want. Why the fuck would she want to wait around for me? Mom, I can't handle watching her with someone else. Just knowing that Jasper fucking had his mouth on hers… shit this is going to kill me. Just fucking shoot me now, get it over with, put me out of my misery."

Em's mouth flew open. "Jesus Christ E…stop being so goddamn dramatic. Just talk to her. Tell her. She'll listen. I know she will."

"Edward, if Bella truly cares for you then she will accept that she can only be friends for a while. Who knows? Maybe by the time this is all said and done, you'll only want to be friends. Maybe she's not as great as you're making her out to be. What if you don't even get along that well…"

I rolled my eyes indicating that was never going to happen. My mother scowled, grumbling, "Okay, okay…"

"E, just tell her. Bella is a sweetheart. If she can't handle just being your friend for the next two years, then you don't hang with her anymore until then. If she likes you enough then she'll deal with all your crap. And dude, you have _a lot_ of crap. Maybe you just have to take it slow...go day by day. Emmett cocked his head to the side. He was a good brother, I had to give him that.

I groaned again, not finding a solution I was at all amiable with. "Emmett is right. Maybe you shouldn't put a time limit on it, you know? Just see how things progress. But in the meantime, you can build a solid relationship, strong, wonderful friendship without sex getting in the way. Sex complicates things. I know that's not what you want to hear that but it's true. This can be just you and Bella."

"Yeah, great…thanks guys," I said sarcastically, feeling as if nothing had been accomplished. "I'm gonna go for a swim, I think." I stood, threw the bag back in the freezer and walked across the kitchen.

"Edward, did you listen to anything we said?" my mother asked, turning around in her seat.

"Yeah, I heard you, but I didn't like any of your suggestions," I replied, disappearing up the back stairs to my room. I heard her yell something about owing her a new coffee table...

I checked out the bitch of a shiner in the bathroom mirror. Yeah, that was definitely going to leave a mark. I changed into my board shorts and headed down to the pool. Though I tried, I couldn't help but think about the last time I was in there. Bella was with me and I would give anything to have her here now.

However, by the time I got there, I was so fucking mentally drained that I didn't feel like doing shit anymore, particularly anything physical. I also knew the chlorine would sting like a bitch on my cut up elbow and the gash on my on my cheekbone that Jasper had better pray to God didn't leave a scar, or I would be forced to rip his fucking limbs off. Maybe we could sell tickets for that shit too.

I turned on the jets to the hot tub, grabbing a beer from the mini kitchen, and eased myself into the steaming water. After I opened the bottle, I guzzled half the contents before I laid my head back on the rim of the hot tub, feeling the sting on my arm and trying to ignore it. I knew that no matter what I decided to do, I had to talk to Bella. If I apologized, and didn't elaborate, then we could go on for a little longer just as we were. Is that what I wanted? Is that what she would want?

I wasn't stupid enough to realize that the attraction between us was growing rapidly and uncontrollably and that Bella, inquisitive by nature, would start to ask questions eventually. She probably had all sorts of theories gathered by this point anyway. I mean, she did ask if I was gay, so she could check that off her list, and she knew I didn't like to touch her. I can't even imagine what she thought that was about. The girl probably thought I was a freak of nature anyway. That aside, what about this kiss shit with Jasper? Did she _want _to kiss him? Did she _kiss_ kiss him? Fuck.

It wasn't so much that she kissed him, it was the thought of me not being able to do it that bothered me. I sat irritated as I entertained the notion that I had the option of backing out….walking away from her so neither of us would get hurt. But I knew it was a lie. She was a part of me now, and I could no sooner walk away from her than I could change my obsessive habits. This was going to be difficult no matter what, and no one would win here.

**~%~**

I woke the next morning well after noon feeling like absolute shit. My face was throbbing and my entire body ached with the lingering stress and anxiety, along with the haziness that the Valium left. I had slept like shit, thrashing and waking covered in sweat in a panic over nightmares of Bella alone in the woods by the tree house, crying… over me. I couldn't allow that to happen ever again, and if I didn't anything it would be to vow that my girl never shed another tear because of me. I laid in my bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, just wondering what the fuck I was going to do. Nausea hit me sudden and hard, and I sat up bolting to the bathroom to puke. I had to tell her.

While I showered, I rehearsed what I was going to say, reciting the story with the most detail. I tried to carefully word the parts I knew she might be upset over…the parts about the sex. I had no clue as to what Bella's own sex life entailed, but I didn't think she would want sordid details of mine, and I would try not to volunteer that information unless she outright asked.

After I dried off, I called Dr. Kate's office to reschedule the session. She was happy to oblige, though I think I could sense disappointment in her tone considering I had opened up for her so much last time. Knowing what was likely about to occur today, I would have tons of new goodies for her to salivate over on Friday afternoon at the new sitting.

Then I sat on my bed naked for about an hour.

I threw on boxers. I vacuumed, dusted, ironed jeans, changed my sheets, smoked three cigarettes, took a whiff inside Box -O- Bella, freaked myself the fuck out over it, and sat back on the bed again. I was fucking starving, but I didn't want to have confrontation with anyone today. I just wanted to make it through the day without fighting with anyone over Bella or anything else. The house was quiet, and for that, I was thankful. A quick glance out the front window showed Bella's car was gone, which I was admittedly grateful for. I wasn't ready.

After I ate, I showered again, feeling dirty from cleaning, silently chiding myself for being such a pussy and a procrastinator. As I was dressing, I heard voices downstairs, the house obviously filled with the reappearance of my family. I dressed in my dark Rock and Republic jeans and stood in my closet staring blankly looking for a shirt. Bella was going to listen to me divulge my truths and my secrets and practically my fucking soul to her today. I wanted to make damn sure I looked good while doing it, and I knew it could very well be that last time I would talk to her so I at least wanted to leave her with a lasting image of myself.

My new white thermal was MIA, and I remembered washing it to soften it up because it was scratchy. The shirt had to be on before the hair was styled, otherwise it would be trashed when I slipped the shirt on. With socks in my hand, I bounded down the stairs, calling out to my mom for the whereabouts of said thermal shirt when there to my utter fucking surprise…in my kitchen… was Bella.

Facing my father in a chair as he held her hand.

Jasper behind her, massaging her fucking shoulders.

And Bella's tight white shirt soaked in crimson.

Blood.

I found myself suddenly stunned and appalled at the sight of my girl bleeding and everyone around her taking care of her but me. A brief flicker of jealously ran through me as I intentionally looked away from Jasper touching her. I wondered if she liked it…liked his hands on her. My father gave me a cursory glance and scowled when he saw my state of undress. I hadn't yet zipped up my jeans and I was standing there frozen in the doorway gaping at her dumbly, before I realized that she was peeking out at me through her little fingers. She could see my ink and the piercing…and my goddamn brand of underwear for that matter. It was too late to hide it, so at my fathers suggestion I found the shirt and crouched to observe him stitch up Bella's hand.

Her hand was so close to my face, I could smell the faint scent of her perfume on her wrist. I tried to focus on what dad was narrating as he closed up the wound, but in truth I was too shaken to pay full attention to any other detail but the ones from Bella. She looked really tired, like she didn't sleep well. She had on gray yoga pants and a long fitted white cotton shirt with pink fuzzy slippers that looked like they had been worn a lot. She looked so soft…and vulnerable and very sad. I knew that sad was my doing.

After dad bandaged her up, gave her instructions to not get it wet, my mother asked me to walk her home. Jasper didn't even bother to offer, the douche. He kisses her and then won't even walk the girl home? Nice guy.

I helped Bella remove the tray of lasagna as my mouth watered at the smell. When she invited me to stay, I hesitated only because I knew it would force me to settle in and talk. I wanted to get over with and purge myself of the secrets, but at the same time, I wanted to run and fucking hide away until 2010.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a bottle and pills spilled on her floor, amongst the little blood droplets painted on her gray tile. I knelt to pick the pills up, noticing immediately what they were without even looking at the bottle. I felt like I was prying, but Bella told me they were for anxiety and that she had panic attacks. Apparently she had secrets as well.

I sat at her kitchen table, serving lasagna, which was so fucking amazing I almost asked her if I could bring home the rest of the tray. We talked as we had always done, easy and comfortable while we stuffed ourselves, and then I placed my fork down, feeling adequately filled. It had been really nice. I mean, I had never actually sat down with a girl by myself and ate dinner with her, so it was sort of a trial run for a date.

"Shit, that was good. So…" I said hesitantly, as my eyes looked quickly to hers, while I mustered up the balls to begin this. Looking back at her again, staring away from her blood-spattered shirt, I said softly, "Jasper kissed you, huh?"

From her expression, I think my question wasn't one that she expected. "Uh….yeah sort of. It wasn't technically a kiss, 'cause I didn't kiss him back." She shrugged her shoulders, completely indifferent about the kiss. I fucking smiled ear to ear, knowing that she didn't kiss him back. That fucking prick.

"He told me he spoke to you yesterday…about me. What exactly did he tell you?"

"Not much truthfully. He just said that you had a relationship with a girl Chicago. He wasn't too explicit." Her eyes looked a little glassy, and I thought that maybe the pain killers were starting to move through her system. For a minute I thought that I could withdraw, using the excuse that she would be too fucked up to fully comprehend, but on the other hand, maybe a little numbness would help ease the situation.

_Here goes._

"Do you want to know the whole story?" I asked as my began heart racing and my fingers fidgeted nervously on the table.

_Please say no. Please just tell me to go the fuck home._

Bella replied indifferently, "If you want to tell me." I was a little taken back by her nonchalance, and if I had to be blatantly honest, a little irritated. Maybe she didn't even fucking care. Maybe I had made too big of a deal about this because it was possible that she didn't want to know about my past. But regardless, I couldn't make her understand my actions and words without telling her everything in its entirety. I would just have to have faith.

"Well Bella, I owe you an explanation for my behavior, so yeah, I _need_ to tell you." I crushed the clean napkin between my fingers, buying time and steeling myself for her reaction. This would not be easy by any means and I would just have to deal with whatever outcome resulted like a man.

Inhaling slowly, I released the breath and sighed, cringing inwardly, but oddly proud of myself for actually doing it. "There was this girl, Charlotte..."

I panicked as her eyes widened, taking in that very name. "Charlotte," she whispered almost inaudibly. I looked straight at her, gauging her reaction to the name. It was only a fucking name, but it was so hard for me to even say aloud. So I stalled. "Uh…how does your hand feel?"

She narrowed her eyes at me just a little, catching on to me. "Fine. It's still throbbing but the Percocets just kicked in, so I'm good. Continue," she practically demanded with a wave of her hand.

_Ah, so I did have her attention after all. _

"Um…so, Charlotte and I were good friends. We had known each other since like, fifth grade I think, and she hung out with Jasper's girl, Emily and all of their friends, so all of us were one big group, you know? Well, Charlotte and I were sort of close, I guess, but it was weird cause I found out she had a crush on me and then I felt a little strange around her, even though she had this douchebag boyfriend, Peter. He fucking hated me and I thought it was because I made it to the starting roster over him but I figured out it was because he was aware that Charlotte liked me." I shook my head at the mention of that fucker, pausing the movement on my napkin to make eye contact with her. Bella was staring straight at me, fully attentive, so I kept going.

"I played on the Varsity baseball team…pitcher. Well we were at the championships, and we had won…and…"

Bella's perfectly arched eyebrows furrowed. "Wait…you were on Varsity baseball? How old were you?"

"Um, well I made the team as a freshman when I was fourteen …" she looked at me incredulously, because a freshman on a varsity team was unheard of in most schools. "Yeah, I was fucking good," I clarified simply. She nodded. "But this all happened just after I turned fifteen. Last August. Well, we won the championships and we had all gone out afterward and gotten our piercings." I rolled my eyes, brushing my hand over the right side of my chest, as if she hadn't seen enough of me to not understand what goddamn piercing I meant. "Getting my nipple fucking pierced was such a stupid thing to do, but at the time it was cool, I guess. It was a team thing…unity or whatever. The coaches wouldn't allow anyone to wear jewelry, so we got something that was hidden that no one could ask us to remove." Bella nodded, smiling. I was guessing she liked it.

"Anyway, the day after, I went with my father Jasper, and Emmett back to the same place to get my tat. I had wanted one the whole season, but I waited until we were finished because I didn't want my arm to be sore for the games. We all ended up getting one and my mother was so fucking pissed at Dad, she didn't speak to him or us for like a week." I chuckled, remembering how she yelled at how irresponsible it was to have allowed fifteen and sixteen year olds to permanently mark their bodies up .I think he just wanted to be there to supervise when we did it, because he knew damn well I would have gotten the tattoo if I wanted to without anyone's fucking permission or blessing. "That night the team was celebrating at the first baseman's house. I had taken a painkiller because of the piercing and the tat...so fucking stupid getting them a day apart, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. The guys got me really drunk, and I had gone upstairs to one of the bedrooms to lie down cause I thought I was going be sick." I took another deep breath wiping my damp palms on my jeans before placing them back on the table. I laced my fingers together, stilling them from nervous movement.

"I was so fucking wasted between the booze and the painkiller that I could barely pull my head off the pillow. I was asleep or like, almost unconscious, when I felt…" I looked up at Bella who was absolutely mesmerized by my words. I didn't know how she would handle the next part so I just shook my head and said it, looking down at my hands. "She…Charlotte always wore this strawberry perfume or shampoo or something. Fucking nasty shit. I still get nauseous when I smell artificial strawberries. But I knew it was her immediately by the way she smelled. She was next to me and kissing and whispering things to me that I didn't know hoe to even respond to. I remember she kept saying, "Eddie, take the pain away, make me feel better, please." My eyes met Bella's for a second, and I watched as her mouth parted a little, and her eyes looked surprised or something.

"She just kept saying these fucked up things as she…" I stopped, refusing to utter the details aloud. The girl had her mouth all over me and she felt so fucking good at that moment. I truly didn't want to have sex with her because I knew it would fuck things up for everyone, and that she would regret it in the morning. But I was so fucking far gone that I couldn't say no when I should have.

"After my pants were off…she did what she did and I barely fucking moved I was so wrecked. But she was…I don't even know how to put this…she was kind of…aggressive? I had fingernail marks on my shoulders and a huge hickey on my neck. I honestly don't remember too much of the night after that. I know she left and I woke up the next afternoon and walked home." It made me sick rehashing the details, putting myself back in that bedroom at that horrible night. Bella was absently chewing on her fingernails. I was trying to read her expression, but she was masking it well.

_Here goes Cullen. Lay it on the table._

I chewed my cheek for a minute, knowing this was it. "Later that day…the police were at my house saying that she had accused me of rape."

Bella's mouth just hung open wide as she gaped at me in sheer disbelief. I quickly explained, "Bella, I didn't rape her, I swear. I was pretty fucked up, and I don't know every single detail from that night but I do know that there was in no way a struggle from her. She initiated it and she finished it." I sounded pathetically desperate but I needed her to trust that I didn't hurt Charlotte in any way.

"I believe you," she said quietly, looking directly into my eyes.

"You do?" I asked incredulously, my eyebrows raised in questionable doubt.

"Yes, of course I do," she responded firmly. I was fucking stunned at her absolute definitive response. She believed me, no doubt. "So what happened?" She leaned forward eager to hear the rest.

For a minute while still shocked, I gathered my thoughts together, my fingers back to fidgeting on the table. "Well, at the police station, she was there with her parents and that cocksucker, Peter. Bella, she was fucking…bruised up and battered. Her face…" I shook my head remembering how Charlotte looked, similar to the way I did at the very moment. "She said she had been forced…sexually and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did not do that to her. I was barely coherent that night. At the station, Charlotte couldn't look at me. Peter kept fucking yelling shit at me and I was just so confused as to why she would be blaming me for doing this to her. I mean, if anything…"

"She assaulted _you_," Bella cut in quietly. I nodded. I mean I never said no, so it couldn't truly be considered rape, but she had her way with me under an altered state of consciousness.

"As they were leading her away, I caught Peter watching me through the glass. He fucking smirked, cocking an eyebrow up at me. He fucking hit her and somehow forced her to put the blame on me. She told me he had pushed her around before, but I had no idea it would come to this. Obviously, he found out about her and me, and did this to either punish the both of us or salvage his reputation, I don't know which. But they had no real proof that it was me. I mean aside from the scratches on my shoulders and the giant hickey, they couldn't really prove that she was raped by me because there was no…" I looked up at Bella again, dreading the rest of this. "Semen or sign of forced entry. They did a rape test at the hospital. I don't even remember her using a condom, B. But there were no 'biologicals" or signs of any traces of latex. She claims she had taken a bath and flushed the condom, but I don't remember any of that." Bella sighed, clearly moved by all of this. I wanted to hold Bella and promise her I would take care of her, and that I would never ever do what Charlotte pretended I did. She had barely said a word, just sat there listening intently. I suppose I was appreciative of her silence, though it was unnerving to say the least. I really wanted to know what she thought of all of this.

"Well, then I did the most stupid thing I could think of. I fucking… I snuck out of my house and went to her house to talk to her, you know? Try to get her to drop the charges. She was standing at the door all she kept repeating was, 'I'm so sorry, Eddie, I'm so sorry,' essentially admitting it was a false accusation. And if I would have been thinking straight I would have had a fucking tape recorder on me, but who the fuck knew? But then Peter comes out and after we exchange words, I beat the living piss out of him, which not only made things entirely worse, but fueled the idea that I was violent." I shook my head at my own stupidity and short temper.

"Charlotte's mom was an attorney and her dad was a politician, both well known in the community and apparently had people in high places that owed them favors. It didn't go to trial for lack of evidence, but they did hold an informal hearing. If I would have lied and said I did it, than I would have gotten six months at a juvenile detention center which was basically jail for dysfunctional derelict teenagers, and restraining order from Charlotte. But I was not about to go to juvie and I refused to admit to something I didn't do. It totally pissed everyone off, because Charlotte and Peter had thoroughly convinced all involved parties that I was the one who did it. The only ones that believed me were my family. My fucking friends abandoned me, my teammates wouldn't even talk to me…it was so fucked up.

"They got this judge…Judge fucking Aro," I sneered angrily, with contempt and malice toward the man insisted on in ruining my life, "who went on a power trip rampage and pulled out all this bullshit he'd been dying to use on someone. Apparently he was under the impression that I was a spoiled rotten rich kid who didn't understand consequences or never had to take responsibility for my actions, so he decided he was the one to show me how fucking harsh life really was outside the bubble of privilege and money. I was expelled from school because they couldn't have someone 'dangerous' amongst their students, I was not permitted to participate in any team sports or remain in any group organizations, I had to do fifty hours of community bullshit service at an rape and abuse counseling center, I had to attend weekly group therapy sessions with like, actual rapists, which by the way, my attorney had lessened down to individual session which I now go to in Port Angeles on Tuesdays." I raised an eyebrow with the intention of her understanding my piano lessons were a farce. Her eyes shut in understanding. "And…"

Bella's hands slipped from her mouth to cover her face momentarily while she took all the information in. She shook her head in disbelief as she said, "And? There's more?"

"Um, yeah…the best part. The judge slapped a restraining order on me. It is called an NSRO- Non Specific Retraining Order. It basically says that I can't be in physical contact with a female until I turn eighteen. So instead of not being allowed within like, a hundred yards of Charlotte, I just can't touch any female… until 2010. Oh, and then I had to thank him…_actually thank him_ for not putting my name on the sexual predators list."

"What? Are you serious, Edward? That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. How do you even abide by that? I mean, it's nearly impossible."

"Yeah, I know. It was invented specifically to fail. Think about it…I can't be in any crowds, school is a complete bitch and if you notice, on Friday's and at parties, I basically keep to myself. My father had the best lawyers in Chicago working on it, but no one could seem to get the judge to reverse the order. So because I was thrown out of school, and kicked off the baseball team, I ended up a real fucking mess. So then it was either drop out, or go to public night school with the less than desirables so, I had no choice but to attend classes at the Caius School for Boys…this like, institution for all these wealthy little derelicts. Within the first week I had made friends with the wrong crowd. A mirror and a rolled up hundred dollar bill were their best friends. It was only a matter of time that I was doing bumps of coke with them and basically giving up on everything. At the time, I just didn't give a fuck and I was so goddamn angry, that when I was high, I felt good and I could actually forget what a fucking mess my life had turned into for a little while. My parents knew I wasn't handling the situation well, but when they found out how bad I really wasn't handling it, they packed up all of our shit and moved here. I guess they hoped I could start over here, you know?"

"Oh, E...I had no idea…cocaine, really?"

I nodded, ashamed of what she thought of me. I was not proud of my actions, or what I did to my family. "They left everything behind for me, and I pay for it every goddamn day with guilt. Emmett left all of his friends and his teams, Jasper had to leave his girlfriend, which I am convinced that he will never forgive me for; Carlisle left the practice that he built from nothing because he lost half his patients, my mom gave up her design firm that was doing amazingly fucking well, and …I changed my name and now pretend that person never existed. Oh…and they don't know that I know, but my parents had been looking into adopting a little girl from China when it all happened. They were forced to stop the process because who in their right mind would give a baby to a family with a kid that's a rapist?" I nodded my head indicating that I was indeed, finished.

_Goddamn, that felt good…_

_And look… she's still here._

In light of everything I had said to her accompanied by the definite surge of painkillers in her system, Bella's eyes were glassy and hooded. The painkiller was kicking in full force for her. "B, do you want to go lay down? You look like you're gonna pass out any second." She vehemently shook her head no.

"I can't…I have so many questions, Edward. I …so that's why you don't touch me?" I nodded. "I thought you had a germ phobia or something…wow…I never in a million years thought…a restraining order…really? That's why you were so mad about me telling them we were together…this is so …overwhelming…" Her voice trailed off and she wiggled her fingers staring amazedly at them. Percocets were good shit. "Woah…I feel sorta floopy," she said smiling. "I have five more...you want some?"

"Don't go pushing your drugs on me, Crackhead," I chuckled, pushing my chair out from the table with a scraping sound on the tiles. She cringed, realizing that I may have been sensitive to the topic of drug use but I wasn't. "Come on, let's go lie down, okay? I know it's a lot to process, but I'll answer all of your questions tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" she asked standing, looking up at me very confused. She looked like such a sweet little girl… in a disgusting bloody white shirt.

"Yeah in Port Angeles. Unless you think you won't be up for it with your hand?"

"Oh, no, I didn't think you would still want to go. You were so mad…"

"Bella, why wouldn't I want to go? I really like you and I love hanging out with you…if you want to still hang out with me. I mean…if you don't want to, I will understand. " I crossed the room toward her, leaning my palm on the table. She continued to stare up at me with huge eyes, a grin a mile wide. I swear she was starting to sway.

"E… I definitely want to hang out with you…I like you too…_a lot_. " Bella was slurring now, and I laughed at her. She was fucking adorable.

"I know, B. But you need to sleep on it and we'll talk more tomorrow. Come on…" She took a Prozac from the counter, popping it in her mouth followed by a long swig of Pepsi. I followed her upstairs, just so that I knew she made to the second level all right. I had planned to stay on the couch for a while, in case she woke up confused or in pain. Bella was okay with wanting to hang out with me now, but in the morning, when the drugs wore off, it could be an entirely different situation. Once she ingested it and took time to process what she was actually becoming involved with, there was still the possibility that she would change her mind.

When we got to her room, she turned to me and said, "Will you stay with me? Charlie won't be home until tomorrow night…please? My bed is soooo big and I won't touch you, I promise." How the fuck could I say no to her?

"Yeah, okay," I said nodding. I really didn't think it was a wise idea, but she really didn't leave me a choice. She smiled again, handing me the television remote while she grabbed a shirt and practically tripped into the door as she crossed the hall to change. I sat on the edge of her bed, taking in her girlie bedroom and the little piles of clutter, which surprisingly did not irritate the hell out of me.

There was one of the long gray socks she wore to school hanging over a chair, her closet doors were bursting out with clothes, and a pile of shoes sat in the far corner by a rocker. Bella had a small area of her desk lined with books and her closed laptop. The room was simple, new and obviously not lived in for very long, very much like mine. She had just one picture of a pretty lady that I assumed was her mom tucked into her large oval mirror and one of her, Rose and Alice from the homecoming game. It was sad, really. A girl like Bella should have tons of memories in her bedroom, not vast emptiness.

When she returned wearing a big soft pink sweatshirt, she collapsed on the bed next to me, smiling lazily. I pulled the covers out for her and she tucked her legs underneath, drawing the comforter up to her chin as she turned towards me. I wasn't sure if laying down would be appropriate, but I kicked off my Nike's anyway and rested my head on the pillow next to her, turning to look at her face. Her pillow smelled like fucking heaven.

"I'm sorry, for everything you went through," she whispered. Her lids fluttered closed, finally submitting to the drug induced sleep that was waiting for her.

"Me too," I whispered back, hoping and praying that come daylight, she would still want me in her life.

I watched her for a few minutes before I called home to tell my parents I was spending the night. They didn't think it was the most ideal situation either, but they said they would rather not have Bella alone in her state. However, I neglected to mention the fact that I was in Bella's bed with her. Bella never had a chance to call Charlie to tell him what happened and I blamed myself for not reminding her. I was so busy telling her my shit that I completely forgot.

Once I knew she was deeply asleep, I headed down to the kitchen and found cleaning shit under the sink. I wiped up the blood off the floor, cleaned off the counters, washed all the dishes and put them away and covered the rest of the lasagna, putting it in the refrigerator. Though I was stuffed from dinner, I eyed the jar of real peanut butter and slices of American cheese that were not infact, soy based. I didn't know if I was overstepping boundaries by cleaning, but I couldn't rest knowing that not only was that mess left in the kitchen, but that she would wake up to it. Her hand would be useless for a week or so, and I felt it necessary to make things easy on her. Yeah, I am a nice fucking guy sometimes. I also stole a handful of Oreos from her pantry. _Double stuffed…hot shit._

There was a knock on the front door around nine and I froze, not knowing whether to answer it. I peeked out the window and saw Alice outside jingling keys, singing some corny made up song about having Bella's car and driving it to work and almost hitting a grizzly bear on the highway on her way home. Now I understood why she and Bella were friends…they were both ridiculously goofy.

I answered the door with a smile. "Oh hey, Alice." Upon seeing my face, she looked baffled and amused at the same time.

"Hey Prince Not So Charming, what the hell are you doing here, huh? You making Bella cry some more? Giving her another panic attack? Jesus, did this girl ever breathe? Without missing a beat she asked, "Did Bella hit you?" Her voice was almost excited, as if she was happy that Bella would throw a punch at me. I rolled my eyes at her, muttering "no," as she pushed her way past me into the living room.

_I gave Bella a panic attack?_

"Bella cut her hand and my father stitched her up. She's on some pretty heavy pain meds so I'm hanging out here just in case she wakes up confused." I shrugged my shoulders, taking a bite of cookie.

"Oh. Is she okay?" I nodded. "Did you apologize to her?" I rolled my eyes and nodded. "You know she is crazy about you, right?" I shrugged my shoulders with a closed mouth smile. "Well, you better be nice to her and if I find out you make her cry again, I'm gonna hurt you. You hear me Edward? I'll turn you from a rooster to a hen in one swift kick…get my drift mister?" I nodded and swallowed licking the cookie off my teeth. It was pretty easy talking to her with a mouth full of food since she never let me actually speak.

"I won't hurt her, Alice. I'm crazy about her too." She eyed me for a minute before dangling Bella's car keys over the coffee table.

"Tell Bella I said thank you for her car." Alice eyed me warily before she turned heading for the door. She stopped, facing me again. "Hey, if Bella didn't hit you then who did?"

I sighed. "Jasper." Her face fell and a smile creeped on her mouth, as she bounced on the balls of her feet.

"Did you hit him back?" Alice's eyes were so wide. This was weird.

"Uh, yeah. In the mouth." I said, gesturing to my lip. "He looks sexy," I teased, raising my eyebrows suggestively. She blushed, smirking.

"Good." She waved, opening the door.

"Hey Alice… thanks for taking care of Bella today. She's lucky to have you. And uh…whatever your doing with ignoring Jasper is working. That fucker doesn't deserve you, but he's definitely noticed you."

"Of course…Bella's my girl. And Jasper can kiss my ass." Alice shrugged her shoulders indifferently. But a quick glance out the front window and I caught her skipping across the street toward her home. Jasper wasn't fucking worthy of her, and I shouldn't have been doing him any favors but whatever. Maybe her cute personality would rub off on him and she could get him to stop being such a fucking douche.

I went back up to Bella's room, carefully lying down on the bed as to not jostle her awake. She slept so soundly, that it was nearly impossible, but still. Her breathing was soft and steady, and she looked so peaceful. Slowly, I reached out to her, brushing a lock of hair away from her face. I kissed her bandaged palm, stroking her little fingers, before I placed her hand on a pillow to elevate it. Leaning into her, I inhaled deeply, taking in her scent and her innocence before I kissed both her eyelids and her forehead gently, whispering, "Sweet dreams, Beautiful."

I passed out that night, in my clothes, on Bella's insanely comfortable bed, next to the girl that I hurt but who had accepted me for who I was and found trust and faith that I was a good person. For the moment, anyway. I was relieved and anxious to find out what questions she wanted to ask and when she got her answers, would she still want to stay with me?

When I woke up at 7:17 the next morning. Bella was still sound asleep, her hair a wild mess of tangles splayed all over the bed. Sometime during the night she had rolled over closer to me and had her hand resting on my stomach. I slid out of her bed rubbing where her hand had been. It was still warm. Quietly, I searched her desk drawer for a scrap of paper to write a note on. I found her stupid ass hamburger note pad and pickle pen. I also came across what appeared to be a very recent black and white picture of Bella that took my breath away. She was wearing a sundress, her long hair blowing in the breeze of what was likely her back yard in California. She was laughing and she was fucking stunning.

I pulled out a piece of "cheese" and scrawled, _I'll be back at 11:00. Stole the picture of you in your drawer._

I sprinted home, ate a quick bite, then showered and slipped on a pair of distressed jeans and a black Henley. I took an extra long time with my hair, partly because I knew Jasper was home and I wanted to avoid him for as long as possible, and partly because I had to make up for not doing it yesterday. My face was still swollen, but the bruises were less red and more purple, and I was kind of worried about the little scar that might be left on my cheekbone from the impact of Jasper's fist.

_Fuck it…girl's like scars, right? I look fucking tough._

_I got it defending my girl so it was worth it._

Right before I left, I placed Bella's picture in my nightstand, hoping that when the day was through I could put it out in the open.

The sun was shining and while it was still on the cooler side, it was an amazing fucking day. It was a few minutes after eleven when I rang Bella's doorbell before I noticed the note that she hung on the door had fallen to the ground.

_I'm at the tree house._

I was nervous. I was hoping the painkillers had not made her so entirely immune to the reality of what I had told her. Through the trees, along the overgrown path, I could make out the faint movement of the tire swing. Bella was lying on her back, using her dangling feet to spin the tire around in a circle. One of her little black shoes was a short distance away, likely having flown off while she was spinning. Once she wound herself a few times, she let go; the tire turning full force in a whipping circle. She squealed, shutting her eyes and cringing as she twisted, probably because she was getting butterflies in her stomach. She didn't seem upset, so that was definitely a positive sign.

I stood back a few minutes watching her be joyful, laughing and happy. She was wearing a light purple cotton dress, a short black sweater over her shoulders with black leggings covering the rest of her. Her hair was hanging down long and very curly, still slightly damp from the shower. She looked so pretty and I thought it was really sweet that she wore a dress for our afternoon together.

I approached, deliberately rustling the leaves underfoot as to give her adequate warning of my presence. She sat up propping herself on one elbow and grinning widely. Her face lit up when she saw me and at that moment I felt warmth and happiness for the first time in a really long time. "Hi!" she beamed.

"Whatcha doing"? I asked playfully.

"Enjoying my painkillers. Please thank your dad again for me."

She smirked and I shook my head at her mumbling, "Crack head." She laid back down using her foot to kick off the ground to spin again. I laughed at her, bending to pick up her wayward shoe. She stopped the swing, hesitantly lifting her foot to me. I slipped the shoe carefully on her foot as we stared at each other for a minute, taking one another in, almost in awe.

_My very_ _own Cinder-Bella...could I ever be her Prince Charming_?

_Fucking fairy tales._

Then I crouched down, turning the tire so that her face was inches from mine. She smiled again and she smelled so fucking amazing, my dick twitched inappropriately.

"Does it hurt?"

_God I wish I could kiss you._

"Only when I do my Miss America wave," she giggled. "I feel good, actually. It hurt like a mother this morning, but I took a half of a pill and now I feel wonderful!"

"You're not going to pass out on me today are you? Cause we can stay local if you like," I asked.

"No, I'm fine. Does your face hurt?"

I shook my head no. "Do you want to go now?" I nodded, and she sat up, hoisting herself onto her feet using her good hand. It was little things like that that so many people took for granted. I should have been able to extend my hand out to her, but I couldn't do something as simple as that. She smoothed out the front of her dress, giving me a small shy grin as she caught me staring at her.

"You look so pretty, B," I said quietly. I was very new at this and I wondered if that was okay to say.

_Should I have said beautiful?_

She bit her lip giggling, flaring the hem of the dress. "Awww shucks, Edward…this old rag?" I just shook my head at her. Sometimes she was such a goof, but I really thought that was part of her charm. "Hey, did you clean my kitchen last night?"

My eyes widened. "Uh…no." I lied, looking away with a smirk. "Must have been OCD cleaning fairies or something."

She giggled, rolling her eyes playfully. "Well, if you see them, thank them for me. It was a really sweet thing to do."

"Oh, I will. They swiped some Oreos, by the way. Nasty little thieves." I held the gate open for her and she slid past. "I figured I owed you one for defending my heterosexuality. I was kind of lost in focus, I never even thanked you." I smiled shyly, knowing that it was little moments like this where I should normally be touching her face or lacing her fingers in mine or doing something that people in newly formed relationships do.

_Fuck...this isn't going to be easy, is it?_

A thick cottony cloud passed over the brightly shining sun, causing the yard to darken a bit. All the little red highlights in Bella's hair disappeared with the sun.

"E…you know I'm so sorry. I had no idea about what happened to you and when they were saying that stuff, I just …couldn't stop myself. I hope you understand. I only said it because I care about you and …" She looked at me, biting her lip. I shook my head.

"Don't apologize. I know you didn't know, and …I'm sorry I never even gave you the chance to explain. You stood up for me, and no one has ever done that before…so thank you, seriously."

"Well, I don't like people talking shit. I've been through…" Bella clipped her statement, shaking her head. Intrigued at her obvious frustration, I hedged.

"What Bella? What have you been through?" I really wanted to know, if not for the fact that I told her my deal, so I thought it was only fair that she tell me hers.

She pursed her lips in thought. "I think…it would be easer to show you. Come on inside." Bella waved me toward the front door where she ushered me inside. I followed her up the stairs back into her room, now filled with of bright morning sunlight. The sock was gone and the bed was unmade, but everything else remained as it was when I left that morning. Bella sat on her desk chair, opening up the laptop. As she busied herself starting it up, I pulled her comforter tight up to the top of the bed, smoothing out the wrinkles before fluffing the pillows back to their appropriate spots and sat down on the bed behind her. Without looking back she said, "Did you just make my bed?"

"Nope…fairies."

She snickered, shaking her head. "Okay, so…here. This… is the reason… I moved back to Forks." She waved her hand over the laptop with a flourish, game show host style then sat back in the chair staring at me. I looked at the screen, blinking a few times as overwhelming feelings of disgust, jealously, rage and unbridled lust waved over me. I brought my gaze back to hers, which was downcast.

"Bella, what…the fuck… is this?"

**~%~**

**Three cliffhangers in a row…I'm so mean. Oh…don't give me that crap…you don't care nearly as much about Bella as you do about Edward. Okay, so poor Edward, right? I know you all have a billion questions…but so does Bella. Edward will answer all of her questions and yours, just tell me what you want to know and I will try to work it in to chapter 14. **

**PSA time: Date rape is not a joke. There are thousands of women who are assaulted and taken advantage by men all over the country every day. However, while I do not condone this behavior, I must say that falsely accusing a man of doing this is heinous. Three words, "He raped me," when they are not true can destroy families, friendships and entire lives. Please take this seriously, as it is a very real thing. I have several reviewers tell me they heave heard of this before in real life and one who even married a man accused of this who, even years after the fact, he is still dealing with the emotional repercussions of being falsely accused and the stigma that follows it. It is a terrible thing to do to a person, and we must be reminded of the power we hold as woman and to never abuse that control.**

**~xOx~**


	14. Chapter 14 I Will Wait For You

**Hugs to Becca for proofing and to Suzy who walked me through this chapter.**

**~High Anxiety~ **

**Chapter 14~ I Will Wait for You**

**Cause it's you and me and all of the people****  
****with nothing to do****  
****nothing to lose****  
****and it's you and me and all of the people****  
****and I don't know why****  
****I can't keep my eyes off of you****  
****All of the things that I want to say****  
****just aren't coming out right****  
****I'm tripping inwards****  
****you got my head spinning****  
****I don't know where to go from here**

**LifeHouse~ You and Me**

**~ Bella~**

The morning sun filtering through my slightly parted curtains was so bright it was burning my retinas. With a twitch of my fingers, I realized my hand hurt like a bitch. I gaped at the bandage confused for a minute..._oh right...I cut myself yesterday_..._shit._ Rolling over onto my back, I combed fingers through my crazy knotted hair, wondering why the heck I had slept with it down as not up in a crazy bun like usual. When I sat up, I spotted a piece of bright yellow 'cheese' shaped paper on my laptop. It was a note from Edward.

_I'll be back at 11:00. Stole the picture of you in your drawer._

I cocked my head to the side furrowing my eyebrows at the note while admiring his really girlie handwriting. I suddenly remembered Edward slept here and I had a lunch date with him in Port Angeles this afternoon.

_He stole a picture of me? Oh, wait the one taken in the yard at mom and Phil's. I look like shit in that picture._

I spent the next few minutes musing over what I was going to wear. Jeans? My black hip hugger pants? A skirt?

_Hmmm, what If I wore that little denim…_

Then it hit me.

Oh My God…

_Holy fucking shit… Edward told me he was accused of date rape and he can't touch me or kiss me or hold my hand or do anything with me until he is eighteen years old. _

Oh My God.

I sat on the edge of the bed lost in my own head, trying to recall what was actually said last night. I had to dig, like really dig into my memory to remember exactly what he had told me. And then, as if the lid of Pandora's box had been thrown wide open, all of Edward's words came rushing toward me as written on a page, some appearing bold and others less prominent, images flittering in and out of focus. All of them just as meaningful and significant.

_Charlotte. _

_That evil bitch._

It was somewhat surreal. I didn't know whether to have a panic attack or just fucking cry my eyes out. The nonsense that I had conjured up in my head over what I had thought was Edward's past was nothing compared to the reality of it. This boy had been through so much in the last year, it was unfathomable. No wonder why his eyes were always swimming with sadness and anger. The worst part of the situation was that his childhood _friend_ betrayed him. I could not imagine what Edward went through having to give up everything that was important to him and leave his home because of a girl.

I obsessed over his words for a long time digesting the impact all of this would have on me, on our relationship, if we chose to move forward with one. That was what he meant last night about sleeping on it. Edward wanted me to understand that if I wanted to be with him…I couldn't _be with_ him.

Chewing on my nails didn't help the gnawing feeling in my stomach, so I went down stairs to find another Percocet as well as grab something quick to eat. Upon entering the kitchen, I stopped short, seeing that it was spotless. I briefly wondered if Charlie had been home and tidied up, but them I remembered who I was talking about and scratched that theory. Charlie would have woken me up if he had spotted blood.

It must have been Edward. As I wrapped a plastic bag around my bandaged hand, taping it securely to my skin in an effort to waterproof the area, I imagined him wrapping the lasagna leftovers in plastic and then on his hands and knees diligently scouring the blood off the tiles and. Actually, I tried to picture his ass bent over and his long legs jutting out underneath him, and maybe he even had removed his shirt as to not get it dirty…

I wondered if he had been obsessing over the mess in the kitchen while he watched television or did whatever he did while I passed out on him last night. I hope he wasn't bored.

As I showered, I made a mental list of all the things I wanted to ask him and after I dried off, I sat swathed in a towel at my desk while jotting the questions down on a sheet of loose leaf. This was too important to miss a single detail and I had to get my thoughts focused.

This hand thing was a real pain in the ass, but if I had to skewer myself, it was better in the left than in the right. Bedsides that fact that my hand was completely useless, the bandage wrapped around the palm was stark white and ugly and coordinated with nothing that I wanted to wear today. Maybe I could wear one sparkly glove or something ala Michael Jackson…spark a trend.

I couldn't blow dry my hair so I let it dry naturally, knowing it would curl up as the day went on. I chose a dress, simply because I would have worn something on the sexier side for the afternoon, but I couldn't manage to work the buttons or the zipper on my pants single handed. It was ironic that I could have asked him to do it for me under any other circumstances, though I probably wouldn't have not wanting him to think I was a slut for asking such a thing. I just really wanted to look pretty for him.

After I applied some makeup, I grabbed my little black purse shoving in some necessary items including the list and sat waiting impatiently.

The half of the pill I took was working nicely, as the throbbing pain in my hand subsided and I felt slightly tingly and very happy. I had about twenty minutes until he arrived and I was kind of nervous. To kill time, I fought with the tape dispenser before leaving a note attached half assed to the front door and headed out to the swings. While I spun on the tire, enjoying the feeling of being free and oddly constricted simultaneously, I thought about the enormity of Edward's situation. What did all this mean now? Could we even be a normal couple? He asked me out regardless of the fact that he said he couldn't touch me.

_He couldn't touch me._

Which meant no hand holding, no kissing, no licking, no copping feels, no heavy petting, no dry humping, no jobs- neither hand or blow, no fingering, no sex, no touching, no touching, no touching.

_No touching._

_Shit._

With everything he had told me last night, I listened and hung onto every word as if it were his last dying breath. All of what he had said penetrated my ears and sort of took its time to sink in hard as he described the details of his past in Chicago. I was in absolute disbelief that something like this could happen to a person like Edward. And truthfully, hearing about him having sex with that girl hurt me. A lot. My stomach felt strangely unsettled with the knowledge that he was with another girl, however, my theory about him being in love was laid to rest, which gave me a bizarre sense of hope.

It was painful to know that he had been with someone before, and that he couldn't be with me…though he did want to. Even though he had "been" with another girl…could that really even count since he actually was not mentally coherent?

I wanted to hug him and hold him and tell him I would never hurt him like that, or betray him like she did. It explained so much as to his severe reaction to Friday's debacle, and at the same time, made me feel incredibly bad for what I had done to him, and the additional plight this had put on him. He would have to straighten this out tomorrow with whomever he had to. But since this mess had really been all of my doing I thought maybe I should offer to go with him to help explain the situation. I was the one that needed to take responsibility for this. Not him.

Out of everything he said, it never crossed my mind for even a fraction of a second that he would do such a terrible thing. I had seen him be so kind to that girl in the English hallway and I watched in awe as he came to the rescue of that boy at the party. He may have had a hard exterior and he may have even been seriously angry with me in that parking lot, but I knew beyond any doubt that Edward Cullen did not have it in him to harm a girl, never mind rape her. I knew it in my heart and in the pit of my soul as well as I knew my very own name. Plus, I'm betting that if it were true, his mother would have killed him. _Dead._

Edward was innocent and I believed him without question. I also knew that what I felt for him was much more than friendship... and I didn't want to be a virgin forever. I wanted to be with him desperately. I wanted to feel his breath in my face and his lips on mine. I wanted to feel his soft skin and the weight of his muscles on top of me, while his long fingers touched my body in ways that no one ever had, except for in my depraved fantasies.

Could I wait?

Did I even have a choice at that point?

I read somewhere that men thought about sex every seven seconds which was much more often than women. If that were true, then I had something severely wrong with me, because I thought about sex…all the time. More than every seven seconds. But ironically enough, only since I had met Edward. It was like his presence in my life had kick started my hormones, surging estrogen in all my inner girl parts. I craved it ferociously, which was odd, particularly since the only thing that had ever touched my cooter was my own fingers. This was clearly a relationship in which my sexual wants would not be met by anyone other than myself. And that sucked… a lot.

As the tire swung around, I decided that I had to make a decision whether I wanted to wait. It was obviously my choice and Edward was giving me carte blanche to proceed or not.

But as I debated over the choice to be made, weighing pros and cons, when he arrived at the swing I was beyond elated. The rush of emotions surged through my veins and danced on my skin as my heart beat wildly from the mere sight of him. If I had any doubt before that moment, it was all erased in the instant that he flashed his smile at me. He made me gooey inside. The sound of his voice, the sight of his face, the smell of his skin…things that I couldn't avoid, made my knees weak. Did I need him to touch me? Hell yes, but could I live without it?

If I knew anything, it was that I wanted him in my life any way I could have him, despite his unfortunate situation. He was my boy and…I wanted to be his girl. If that meant waiting for him to be "free" than I would wait.

_I will wait for you, Edward._

As he ushered me through the gate, he looked at me with such longing that it actually hurt my heart. That would have been the perfect time to kiss me, or even touch my face or make some simple affectionate gesture which most people would take for granted. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing.

I realized at that moment this was just the beginning of a long, difficult winding road filled with frustration and pain as Edward needed to heal and come to terms with his anger. All I knew was the beautiful boy who lived down the street made my heart flutter when he smiled at me...and I belonged to him. Completely.

So there we were, in my room as I powered up my laptop preparing to show him my secrets and my shame. He bared his soul to me, and I felt it was only right to reciprocate with outing my own demons. However, I think that had I not been on a generous helping of a glorious painkiller that I wouldn't have been so open with prominently displaying the obscene photos. It was just as easy to tell him with words alone. But Edward was special and he deserved the truth, as embarrassing as it was. I couldn't touch him…but I could show him all of me, the parts he wouldn't be able to touch regardless. I could share with him my pain and embarrassment. Somehow, it felt extremely therapeutic to have it out in the open with someone who would not judge me.

His expression was a mixture of confusion, horror, and anger as his gaze remained unfaltering on the computer screen.

"Bella, what…the fuck… is this?" he asked, obviously frazzled by what he saw. His voice was laced with a bit of anger and disbelief while his fists balled up on his thighs leaving his knuckles white. "Please tell me this is a joke…please." His eyes met mine and he almost looked panicked.

"It's not me," I said quickly. "And I have no idea who the bodies of those guys are, but their heads are the captain of the football team and the starting quarterback at my old high school. Someone did a great job Photo shopping, right?" I asked, nonchalantly, as I had seen the picture a thousand times before, inspecting and dissecting it. "Her body looks just like mine but my boobs are a little smaller," I scowled, pointing out the fake Bella's breasts in the photo. Edward looked at my chest briefly before his gaze snapped back to the screen with a minute nod. He shook his head and his eyebrows furrowed.

"No one knew if the original picture was real. The two boys denied ever having had a threesome with anyone, so they claimed they were manipulated in as well. But personally, I think it was real because of their reactions when it became public." The image on the screen depicted two guys and a girl in which she was sandwiched between them; both inside of her at the same time. The whole thing was pretty porntastic. There were four other images similar to that, but different sexual positions. All of the pictures looked remarkably authentic.

I leaned forward to click on the next image. Edward's eyes grew wider and he shifted uncomfortably on the bed. It was the same two guys, only now with the girl (fake me) being taken from behind while the other guy had himself in her mouth. I knew by the odd facial expressions that these were candid shots taken during cheerleading practices.

"Who the fuck did this to you?" Edward was seething, his eyes were narrowed and his teeth gritted. This time it wasn't because of anything I did to him, thankfully.

I sighed, leaning back into the chair. Edward couldn't keep his huge eyes off of the screen. "Bree," I said quietly. "She lived across the street from me. When I moved to California, I was…different…plain…kind of… insecure and shy. I spent so much time looking longingly at the cheerleaders and the popular girls that I was just sick of always being the girl that …I don't know, sat on the sidelines with the book nerds. I wanted more that time around, so when Bree befriended me, even though I knew she was…like, super popular, queen of the tenth grade and 'a mean girl', I didn't care. Bree took me under her wing. All her friends became my friends. We went to every single party including the ones that were 'invite' and 'seniors only'. She showed me how to dress, present myself and well… other stuff like how to…kiss and how to be confident and she even got me on the cheerleading team with her." Edward scowled and rolled his eyes.

"Cheerleading…seriously?"

"Hey, I was a damn good cheerleader. Just cause I am a spazztard on the volleyball court doesn't mean I can't be a good cheerleader," I said defensively. Edward muttered a sincere apology, still looking at the screen. I leaned over, shutting the picture down, much to Edward's dismay. I knew at that point that showing him the other three would have pushed him over the proverbial edge. Maybe another time. Part of me found it humorous that he was so enthralled by it, and I wanted to ask him if he would like it for his own personal screen saver. Something told me he would be more than happy to display it. Sick, sexy-assed pervert.

"Bella, why the fuck would she do this to you?"

"Well, Bree's ex boyfriend Riley, was interested in me. They went out for like, a month, so I mean, it's not like they had a serious relationship or anything. I completely backed off because she was my friend and she had done so much for me, it was only right, even though I did have a crush on him before they started going out. But Riley was done with her. As much as I rejected his advances, it got to the point that it was just silly. He obviously didn't want to be with her. He asked me to the winter formal and I really wanted to go, so I asked Bree if she minded and she said it was cool. Huge, colossal, ginormous mistake. In the middle of the dance, everyone started getting these texts…with those pictures."

"So that's why you don't go to dances?"

I nodded. "Bad memories, you know? The thing is, the two guys in the picture had senior girlfriends who were like… outraged. No one believed that the photo was a fake; I mean it's really good. And God only knows how Bree acquired it. But my life was turned to instant hell after that. You have no idea how cruel people can be, especially girls." Edward cocked an eyebrow at that statement, insensitive as it was.

"Uh, well maybe you do know. They like, made it their life's goal to make my life hell. They were sending me these disgusting emails and texts. The police called it "sexting". They continued to forward those pics around along with god-awful lies and stories about me. They like, scratched horrible things on my locker door. My name was in every private blog you could imagine, just saying how I was a slut and a whore and no one…I mean _no one_ wanted anything to do with me. I was like a pariah."

I looked over at Edward's face. He had his elbow propped up on his knee with his hand covering his mouth in disbelief. "That is just so fucked."

"The two senior girls actually harassed me to the point where my parents went to the police. But at the time, there were no laws or guidelines regarding this stuff, so there wasn't anything they could do except for filing harassment charges, and that only made things worse. The school board was no help since they had no proof who vandalized my locker or who sent the original picture in the first place, though I knew damn well it was Bree. These girls were very careful not to send anything during school hours so the principal refused to get involved since everything was taking place off school grounds. It was a vicious cycle.

"The police told me and my mom that the school administration had to handle it and the school told us to go the police. It got to the point that I was actually scared to go to school so I stuck it out until I couldn't anymore. And then my mom home schooled me for the last month before summer break, which sucked by the way, but was better than dealing with being tortured every day. When school started up again in September, I went back thinking it would have all blown over with the seniors gone. But Bree made sure that it was never going to happen. She basically said, 'I made you and I can ruin you…' and she sure as hell did. I just got so sick of feeling like shit about something that I didn't do, that I just gave up and moved here. You know that saying, 'Be careful what you wish for?' Well, all I wanted was to not be in the background all the time. I just wanted to…matter, for someone to pay attention me...anyone. This got me so much interest that I was having panic attacks three times a day. I hated waking up every morning."

"Shit, B. I'm so sorry. For someone who has been through so much, you are surprisingly like..._normal._ What you went through is… so unbelievably fucked up." Edward looked up at me with so much sadness and empathy in his eyes. He understood what it was like to be falsely accused of something by a supposed friend and have to be driven out of his own home for it.

"Yeah well, the really, really fucked up thing is, that the two guys were like heroes because of it. Well, to everyone but their girlfriends. I, on the other hand…I've never even _seen _an actual real live peen before, and I got all the misery surrounding it. The Prozac helps me to be 'normal.' I promised myself that I wouldn't let this take over my life once I moved, and I haven't." I shook my head, gazing out the window as I mused frustrated over the unfairness of the situation and how proud of myself I was for letting it go. Mostly.

Edward spoke quietly. "You've… never seen a…_p…peen_?" He had some difficulty getting that word to roll off his tongue smoothly. I turned to him again. His expression was perplexed though he was clearly fighting back a smile.

"Why is that funny?" I cocked an eyebrow, thinking maybe he didn't know what a peen was. "A peen is a pe…"

"Yeah, yeah I know what it is," he replied curtly, cutting me off abruptly. "It's not…I just didn't think you were a…"

"Virgin? Yeah, still pure…white as snow," I snapped rolling my eyes. He nodded, looking down sort of like a scolded little boy, but I could see the smirk he was trying to hide. I stood, smoothing out the front of my dress, embarrassed and kind of put off by his amused reaction, so I was really hoping the conversation would shift directions. After taking one quick glance in the mirror, I motioned for Edward to follow me out the door.

"Wait, B. Um…listen. I'm not… I wasn't making fun of you. I was just thinking that this might be good, since…well, since you've never done it, you wouldn't know what you're missing." He smiled shyly shrugging his shoulders hopefully. I quirked an eyebrow at him though his rationale did make some sense, however, it didn't erase the fact that I was practically dying to know what it was like.

"And to be honest…I'm glad you haven't been with anyone. I hope that you'll want..." Edward leaned against the hallway wall, looking down at his scuffling feet. His mouth opened to speak, but he was obviously having trouble coming up with the right words. Edward's head snapped up as we heard a car pull into the driveway. He looked panicked, making a beeline for the stairs and descended down them like he had suddenly combusted into flames.

"E, what's the matter?" I asked, following him. He was sort of twisting in different directions in the middle of the living room wringing his hands. I had never seen him so ruffled. It sort of freaked me out.

"Your dad is here. It this okay…that I am here?" He seriously looked like he was going to cry or have a nervous breakdown or pee his pants. However, I wouldn't have minded seeing a tear or two. Boys who cried were hot. Oh, and if he peed his pants, he would have to take them off…

_This is definitely going to take some getting used to._

"Edward, it's fine. We're not doing anything wrong. Relax. Come on." I waved for him to follow me as I grabbed my purse off the table and opened the outside door.

Charlie was getting out of his truck, looking studly and dapper as usual. He had on jeans and a gray button down shirt; his face was clean shaven and his hair had actual gel in it.

"Hey dad."

"Hey kiddo. Hello…it's Edward, right?" he cringed, trying to remember Edward's name. "Sorry, you kids have some…unusual names. Couldn't remember who was who."

Edward just chuckled holding out his hand to my father. "Hi Charlie, how are you?" I eyed the handshake almost scornfully, completely resentful of the fact that Charlie could touch Edward's beautiful hands and would never even appreciate it.

_Not fucking fair._

"Where are you two off to today?" he asked, shoving a manila envelope under his arm, which was undoubtedly filled with incriminating photos of a couple's clandestine meeting. It struck me odd that this monumental piece of information, that was the undoubtedly the impending destruction of a few people's entire lives was in such close proximity to his armpit.

I replied, "Port Angeles. Were going to grab something to eat and …"

"Bells, your hand! What the hell did you do now?" Charlie groaned, carefully lifting my hand up by the wrist. Edward sighed.

"I sliced it open making the lasagna you asked for and didn't make it home to enjoy." I regretted the words instantly, feeling like a nagging, resentful housewife as Charlie looked dejected. "Oh, I'm joking, dad. Jeez, you people have got to lighten up. I'm fine. Dr. Cullen gave me a few stitches. I was going to call you, but I forgot, sorry."

"Well, next time don't forget. Scratch that- don't let there be a next time. I'll have to thank Carlisle properly, maybe take him out fishing or something. Does your dad fish?" He glanced at Edward who shook his head, no. "Oh, well…listen, I'm here for about an hour and then I'm going to meet up with Billy and Harry. You'll be home for dinner?"

I looked to Edward for confirmation, hoping he would say no. He nodded and admittedly, I was sort of disheartened that he was so sure he'd want to end our date after only a few hours. But whatever, I guessed I shouldn't be so pushy about it…it was only our first date, and hopefully there would be many more. Charlie kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye to us both, disappearing into the house.

Edward pressed his key to unlock his car doors. "Hey E, do you mind if we take my car? It's so nice out and I know I probably won't be able to put the top down again until spring." Edward pursed his lips eyeing me disdainfully. I rolled my eyes. "Seriously? You're worried about your hair, aren't you?"

He shrugged his shoulders and chuckled. "It takes a major amount of time to get it this perfectly messy." I pouted, and then he reached his hand out for my keys.

Once the top was down, windscreen was up, sunglasses were on and we were on the road, I lay my head back against the seat absorbing the heat of the sun on my face. We were only a few miles out of town when I pulled out my list, turned down the radio and angled myself toward Edward. He looked so unbelievably sexy, one hand on the wheel, his other across the back of my seat with his dark sunglasses on, looking all yummy as he drove my car. Edward was the kind of boy that the second you looked at him, his very image would send sparks through your lady parts. Didn't matter how old or young, or what gender you happened to be...it was just a fact.

"So you said I could ask questions. Can I start now?"

Edward glanced at me with a smile, playfully tugging the paper out of my hand. He glanced at it, turning it over with wide eyes. "You made a fucking list? Jesus, B. And people think I'm the one with OCD. Maybe we should go to Seattle instead. You might be done by the time we get there." He scowled and rolled his eyes teasingly, shaking his head. I ripped the paper from his fingers defensively.

"You said I could ask you anything."

"I'm joking," he chuckled. "Go ahead, ask away." Edward leaned over shutting the radio volume off completely.

I looked at the list trying to find a question that would be easy to answer and not too much pressure on him, but the one that was nagging at the forefront of my mind just blurted out of my mouth.

"Why can't we touch in private?"

_Way to be subtle there, Bella. _

"You don't have like, people watching you twenty four seven, or like a space satellite tracking your every move, do you? I mean if no one knows about it then…" I waited expectantly for an answer while smiling. Edward pursed his lips in thought. His eyes met mine for a second, and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around his neck and lick the side of his face.

"Uh, well… here's the thing. As of right now if I abide by the conditions of the restraining order, it gets wiped clean from my record, as if it never existed. However, if I violate it, the charge is bumped up to a felony and…I will go to jail for a minimum of six months, and like real jail, not just juvie. The charge will be on my record forever. I also can't vote, own a gun, work for the government, practice law or medicine or get any kind of corporate job…I can't even go to fucking Canada. Oh, and of course, my name will be added to the sexual predators list. My options for the future are so limited. I could be like a fucking…taxidermist, or a construction worker or own my own business. But even then, getting a business loan and shit when you have a felony charge is a challenge. So…can you see me covered in sawdust or stuffing dead animals for a living?"

I eyed Edward's perfectly neat exterior, his manicured fingernails, his uncallused hands that I was dying to have intertwined with mine. "Uh…no, I absolutely can not. Wow, that seems so harsh for what happened. I mean you said they never even proved anything really happened, right?"

"Right, but apparently the judge was being kind when he handed the sentence to me. From what I've heard from my attorney, the same judge was giving out even harsher sentences to other kids like me…one's who he deemed wealthy, spoiled and ungrateful. So I guess it could be a lot worse."

I still pressed for more, though Edward had answered efficiently. "So then, we_ could_ touch, but not get caught." I bit my lip, somewhat fearfully awaiting his response.

He bit the side of his cheek, not breaking his gaze from the road. "Yeah, sure. We could do that….but see I've thought about it. A lot. If you and I start kissing and touching and shit in private, what happens when we're in public? I mean, we can probably control ourselves fine with some effort, but what about the nights when we're drunk and sloppy? Or when we're high and our reaction time is weakened? Could you remember to restrain yourself?" Edward looked at me briefly before turning back to the road.

"I don't know how to say this without sounding insulting and please forgive me if I sound like a complete dick, but…I am very…_aware _of my surroundings; who is near me, and how I interact with them. I am always in control of myself. You…don't pay attention to your environment at all. Accidents happen and I just can't afford any mishaps. I've fucked up once already and that can't happen...ever." Before I could ask him what that meant, he continued on sort of a gentile rampage.

"And then…if you and I start…fooling around…are you going to keep that from your girlfriends? You honestly think that you could not tell Rose and Alice that you and I were together? You were telling people even when we weren't. If _they_ know, then everyone knows and then I'm fucked. I'll be lucky of the Forks Parent Teacher Organization doesn't put a burning cross on my fucking front lawn or some shit. Seriously… I know it's hard to take in, but if I get caught, my whole life is ruined, all because I held your hand. And honestly, could you live with the guilt of seeing me go off to jail to get ass fucked by a dude named Tiny, just because we kissed?"

"God, I never thought of it that way. I get it, Edward, I do. I just don't…I mean, who could catch you?"

"My attorney, my therapist, the stupid fucking truant officer I see every six weeks, Mrs. Meyer, the principal, and um…half of fucking Chicago knows. So it may seem like it would be a huge coincidence if I ever ran into one of those people, but considering my shit luck, I have to assume everyone is a spy and an enemy. And who knows? Maybe Charlotte's parents hired someone to check on me, or maybe her attorney has some business in Washington, and happens to swing by Forks. It's highly fucking unlikely, but it is always a possibility. And do I want to go to jail over it? Absolutely fucking not."

At that moment my thoughts immediately went to my father. Suppose they actually were to hire a private investigator… Holy shit. The last thing I would want to see would be Edward's entire future in a manila envelope stuck under my dad's armpit. That was his reality…and mine if I chose to be with him.

I sighed, releasing a huge breath. "I don't mean to get pissy with you, B, it's just so goddamn frustrating for me to have to live like this for no fucking reason, and even more so because I have this ridiculously beautiful girl next to me who wants to be with me and I can't even touch her fucking hand. It sucks."

And then there it was… the old _can't touch me issue_ again, come creeping back into the forefront of my mind. It was irritating that I could forget so easily, but being with Edward was just that. Easy. For the most part anyway. I didn't put on an act in front of him or pretend to be silly or overly flirtatious like some girls did around boys, like I had done plenty of times before, myself. He made me nervous initially, but we were now at the point where we had both been so honest about our sordid pasts that to be deceitful with each other about unimportant things was just infantile.

We really had so much in common, that conversation was natural and awkward silences were few and far between. We laughed at the same things and enjoyed similar activities even though we were such different people living our lives with dramatically different demeanors. He was broody and pissed off. I was sort of happy go lucky and optimistic. It didn't matter though. We complimented each other and we both knew it without having to state it aloud.

But as much as I wanted to protest about Edward's rationale for not touching behind closed doors, I understood it perfectly and I couldn't challenge his decision to maintain his distance from me. At least I had the knowledge that he didn't _want_ to, he simply _had_ to. This would undoubtedly be hard.

I smiled, leaning my temple back into the leather seat while staring at Edward's serious face. "So, if you could…touch my hand…is that what you would be doing right now?" I asked softly, batting my lashes unconsciously, admittedly a little frightened about his response.

Edward's head turned slowly to meet my flirtatious gaze. I immediately felt wrong and shitty for saying something like that, knowing that he couldn't do anything about it, and it felt like rubbing salt in his wounds. His eyes were intense, smoldering pale pools of green.

"No," he replied with a straight face as he stared fixedly at my lips. "I'd definitely be kissing you right now." A smirk played at the edges of his mouth. My breath hitched upon hearing the words, as I suddenly felt all swishy and feathery like I was floating on a cloud. "You're so pretty, you know that?"

_God, God, _

_Dear God, why? _

_Why I ask you? _

I smiled all embarrassed, but feeling really pretty because Edward had told me so.

_He thinks I'm pretty._

I mumbled something completely dumb and incoherent along the lines of, "Oh immma no no you're so pretty pretty too." I heard it spill out of my mouth before I could stop it and I thought that perhaps it was too windy for him to have heard clearly. But he looked me and burst out laughing as I sunk into the seat covering my face with my hand, obviously having heard the ridiculous blunder. Made no fucking sense, but whatever.

_Good thing he thinks I'm pretty, cause if he thought I was smart then he was mistaken._

I was enraptured by the boy. He could sell me to the circus for a penny and I would happily skip off with the carnies without protest. I though that if he could make me feel so giddy and stupid just by saying I was pretty imagine the power he would have over me when we finally could kiss.

_Finally kiss…_

I referred to my list again. "Edward, you said that this was enforced until your eighteenth birthday? When is that?"

"June 20."

"Oh, so…" I squinted one eye as I counted on my fingers, "twenty one months? That's not so horrible."

"Well yeah, but when is _your_ birthday?"

"It just passed last month….September thirteenth."

He shut his eyes momentarily before replying, "Then no… two years exactly. You would still be a minor on my eighteenth." He gave me sort of a meek smile, in effort to pacify me I suppose. "Happy birthday by the way. I'm sorry I missed it. Did you do anything good?"

I shrugged my shoulders with the words _two years exactly_ ringing in my ears. "Oh…um, I went to beach and had a candlelight lobster dinner overlooking the ocean at sunset. It was very romantic and really beautiful." Edward glanced at me almost forlorn; his expression confused until I fully explained. "But I was just with my mom and Phil, so... It was nice anyway."

"Sweet sixteen and you didn't even have a big party? We should celebrate." He nodded firmly.

"No, I got a car instead of a party. Not that anyone would have come if I had a party, but…" Edward cringed, realizing that he made the reference to having a Sweet Sixteen when I had essentially no friends to invite.

He mumbled, "Shit…sorry," while shaking his head.

Edward turned off the highway into the cozy little harbor town, filled with quaint shops and eclectic eateries. The walkways were crowded with meandering people enjoying the rare rain free afternoon. We parked in the lot, and Edward crossed the front of the car to my side, opening the door for me. I almost blushed at the gesture, which was so gentlemanly and mature. I tucked the list back into my bag, determined to get through each question before the day was through.

Edward and I walked side by side into the town, gazing in windows, chatting about benign things until I realized I was really hungry. There was a little Indian restaurant that had just opened. Edward was surprised and actually elated that I ate that type of cuisine as he explained that no one in his family but Carlisle ate it, so it was a rarity that he was able to dine on that kind of food.

We sat at a table on the outside patio that overlooked the harbor. Boat engines steamed by, and the sound of gulls squawking in the distance filled the air as we looked at the menu. We decided on an appetizer platter and we would share our entrees because I had never tasted his lamb dish and really wanted to try it. When she asked what kind of bread we wanted, Edward and I both answered "Onion," in unison. We laughed because we knew funky breath wasn't going to be an issue for us later on, due to the lack of kissing that would not happen.

_Oh, and plus I had tic tacs in my purse__…just in case._

As she placed our drinks on the table, I smiled, pulling out my list again. Edward rolled his eyes, dropping his forehead in his hand.

He peeked up through his fingers. "There's more?"

"Lots." I nodded eagerly, taking a sip of soda as I scanned the list for an appropriate lunch conversation. "You aren't allowed to play baseball at all?"

His posture went ridged and he tensed up with his eyebrows furrowed. "Uh, I wasn't allowed in Chicago, because I was no longer a part of that school system and you can't play if you don't go to school there."

"But you can play in Forks?"

He gazed out into the water swirling his straw in his drink. "Yeah."

"And you don't?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

His eyes darted to mine. "It's complicated. I just…I don't know." He shrugged his shoulders agitatedly, clearly wanting to end the topic.

"Listen, E. I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you…"

"No, it's fine. It's cool that you are interested, and I like having the air cleared, but baseball is a sore subject for me. You can ask about anything but that. Save it for another day, okay?" He smiled, letting me know that it was hard for him to talk about, but that he would talk to me about it eventually. Pacified, I relented quickly, changing the subject to a lighter topic.

When our food arrived, Edward split the two entrees into our dishes, sliding mine toward me. I looked at my chicken with distain, realizing that I couldn't cut it one handed. He picked up on my problem without me having to say a word, because he had apparently already cut up all his meat and then switched plates with me. And then as we enjoyed our meal, he tore off a piece of onion bread dipping it in the little sauce cup of spicy green stuff that came with the appetizers. He held the bread out toward me. Without thinking, I reached to grab it from him, and he snatched it back with a smirk.

"No touching." So I let him feed me and it was sweet and weird and erotic at the same time. God, he was beautiful. I could watch him chew all day without ever getting bored. He had such nice table manners and always used _please _and_ thank you _when addressing the waitress. He also didn't talk condescendingly to her and said, "Excuse me ma'am," when he called her to the table for a soda refill. I don't know why but I found that hot.

I left the questions alone while we ate, just so we could laugh and enjoy the meal without angst, because no matter what I asked, it always seemed to turn into something that Edward was given a painful reminder of. Once we were stuffed, he suggested that we walk around a while before getting dessert.

We stopped in a little book store where Edward picked up a copy of _The Catcher in the Rye_ because he said he misplaced his last one and only read up to the part where Holden was beat up by the prostitute's pimp. Intrigued by prostitutes and pimps, I grabbed a copy for myself and though I protested, Edward paid for both books. He also bought me a bookmark with a black and white picture of a couple holding hands, and his eyes were sad when he handed it to the cashier.

We stopped to watch a little concert on the City Pier before walking out to the railing that overlooked the water. You could almost see forever in the distance and it was clear and blue and so unbelievably breathtaking. I told Edward it was my dream to own a home on a cliff overlooking the water like that and he agreed that would be a beautiful thing to wake up to every day. As we gazed into the scenery, Edward was quiet for a while, suddenly seeming sort of lost and distant. I asked him if he wanted to go home and he shook his head.

"I'm just… this is nice, you know?" He looked away from me, back out to the view and whispered, "But I wish… " he shook his head, his words trailing off.

"It's really nice, Edward. And it's okay. You don't have to keep feeling bad about not holding my hand and stuff. I'll survive without it until we don't have to anymore."

"Bella…I can't… I can't ask you to wait two years for me. It's not right. I can't expect that you would put your fucking life on hold because I can't do shit."

"Edward... are you kidding me?" I asked incredulously. "Who is putting their life on hold? We're doing things any normal couple would except for the touching part. It's not that big of a deal. There's plenty of other stuff we can do. I mean look at those kids who make vows of abstinence. They are fine and happy and sex free. Don't stress over it. I am here because I want to be with _you_, not your hands."

_Not entirely true, but…_

"Thanks, Bella. For whatever it's worth, it means so much to me that you feel that way." He smiled endearingly, pulling the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, and lighting one. "So, why don't you knock a couple more questions off your list before we grab dessert?" he said, as we began walking down the pier.

I asked him a few things about his life back in Chicago, what he was like and who he was then. He told me essentially that he was very popular, that he belonged to a shit load of clubs and school organizations and that his school was a private academy so they were required to wear uniforms. I made him describe the uniform in detail, while he looked at me confused because I wanted to burn it into my brain…for possible future fantasies.

Once we got to the coffee shop, we waited in line and once we ordered, Edward stepped outside to take a phone call while he smoked a cigarette. As the order came up, I brought it to the table and knocked gently on the glass window to let him know it was ready. He held his palm up, indicating he would be five minutes, and I found my hand suddenly drawn to his. I pressed my hand against the glass with a smile, as Edward paused talking and placed his palm to the window, his large hand outlining my small one. It sort of reminded me of a scene from a prison movie when the jaded lover came to see her innocent man sent to prison for tax evasion. But really we were in kind of a prison...trapped under Edward's restraining order in some kind of torturous bizarre teenage love lock down...Our eyes met, and no words were needed to say what we were conveying in that moment- essentially we were connected; whether it was through glass or not.

He sat at the table, apologizing for his absence, telling me that sometimes Emmett got nosy and chatty like a fucking girl, no offense. I laughed, pushing the brownie sundae toward him. He put a heaping spoonful of ice cream on his spoon and fed it to me, dribbling ice cream down my chin, which he thought was hysterical. I chided him for being so messy and he said as long as it wasn't on him than it was okay. He did mention that if he could, he would have licked it off my chin. He was joking, but something told me it had a good amount of truth behind it. I fed him as well, stealing flirtatious glances at one another and shy smiles in between talking and spoonfuls of ice cream. I was in sheer heaven.

When we were done, I glanced at the list without removing it from my purse. I knew it was probably getting annoying, but he was surprisingly patient and accommodating with my persistence in my quest for knowledge of all things Edward Cullen..

"Edward, about the restraining order," I said quietly. "There aren't any loopholes in this? I mean there's no way to lessen the sentence?

He leaned forward in his chair just a foot or so away from my face. "B, I had an outstanding attorney and I was lucky to have gotten what I did. And um…yeah. There is a loophole."

I cocked an expectant eyebrow, excited and hopeful.

"My lawyer says the only way out is to fucking…get married. Do you have a white dress?" Edward smirked deviously, peering at me from under his lashes.

I gasped. "I have five."

He laughed. "We can be in Vegas in about eight hours."

"I've always wanted to meet Elvis."

He cocked his head to the side. "You would actually marry me just to kiss me?"

_Yes. I would also shave my head and set fire to all my shoes if you wanted me to. _

_But of course, once we were married, we would be doing lots more than kissing._

I shrugged my shoulders cupping my chin in my good hand as I placed my elbow on the table. "You have nice lips."

He groaned.

"What?"

"Don't do that." His face was serious.

"Do what?"

"That. Say stuff like that, all sexy and breathy. It… makes things hard."

_Oh really? Does it now?_

I pressed my lips together to fight back a smile and he groaned again, realizing the sexual implications of the statement. "Bella, I didn't mean… forget it."

Edward was blushing.

I could have gone hog-wild with that whole thing, but since it was a rare moment for Edward to be truly embarrassed like that, I decided to let it go. We walked around a little more, looking in shops and at one point, we stopped at a handmade jewelry display in the town square. I fell in love with a little sparkly crystal bracelet, which Edward insisted on buying for me.

I protested a little, but his quiet response was, "It makes me feel like a real boyfriend if I do this shit." And because those words broke my heart, I let him. Besides, I wasn't going to lie…I loved presents.

_Loved them_.

"Put out your hand," he asked. "Okay, don't move." He wrapped the strand of green and silver crystals around my wrist very carefully clasping the two ends together. He was so close that I could smell his cologne and his soap and feel the warmth radiating off his body. It was maddening and sheer torture. But what was worse, was the smile that was plastered all over his face afterward. He was actually happy, and the thought that I was the reason for that made me want to slam him against the wall and allow him to devour me with his mouth and with his hands until I was screaming his name in ecstasy.

Instead, we tried on masks at a Halloween costume display. He placed a fluffy pink feather boa around my neck as he stood behind me, and I carefully slipped a pair of black rimmed coke bottle nerd glasses with the bridge wrapped in white tape on him. He even looked hot as a frigging geek. We laughed a lot and I quit the questions, trying to keep the mood light and playful for the remainder of the afternoon. Periodically, Edward would ask about my hand genuinely concerned if I was in pain. But by late afternoon, my hand was throbbing dully so I took another half of a Percocet, which was really unnecessary because extra strength Tylenol would have probably done the job fine.

I dozed off on the drive home, literally exhausted from everything. It was one of the nicest days I had ever had and I was truly grateful for the opportunity to spend the day with Edward, touching restrictions and all. I felt like I had learned so much about him and even though it broke my heart to know that he was hurting inside, I was hoping I could be a participant in helping him heal. I mean, not that I had even the tiniest clue how to do that, but seeing him smile around me like I had never seen him do around anyone else, was short of miraculous in my eyes. He was letting his guard down with me, and he wasn't nearly as tough as he pretended to be.

As we pulled into my driveway, he seemed a bit strange as he looked toward his house. I got the distinct feeling that he didn't want to go home, probably because of Jasper, so when I asked him to come in to eat with my father and I, he accepted appreciatively.

As we walked through the doorway I said, "We're only having lasagna leftovers." I felt bad that I was feeding him the same thing two nights in a row.

He practically beamed. "Your leftover lasagna is a million times better that whatever that whatever Esmom is making."

"Hey Edward?" I asked, as I turned on the oven and began pulling plates out of the cabinets. "What's with the name Esmom?"

He chuckled as he placed the plates in three spots, and began to fold napkins into neat triangles. "Oh um, well, Em and Jazz called her Esme when she was their nanny and then after she and Carlisle got married it was just an easier transition from Esme to Mom, therefore Esmom was born. I guess it just stuck."

"Do you call your father Cardad?" Though I asked seriously, Edward apparently thought it was hilarious and practically snorted as he guffawed.

"Uh, no, but I might start, cause that shit is funny."

Charlie pulled into the driveway and again, Edward immediately became rigid. He sat down at the table, I think just to calm himself down and then rose when Charlie entered. He was so damn polite it was sort of creepy and very Stepford Child-esque. During dinner, as they talked about baseball my eyes sort of glassed over and when I pretended to fall asleep at the table, enhancing it by snoring loudly, they ignored me. Edward didn't curse once during the whole meal and I was impressed at his restraint. However, I probably shouldn't have been because he told me flat out that that he was very aware of his surroundings at all times. He was always in control. That scared me, and excited me equally.

Once we finished, Edward and I cleaned up, while my father disappeared into the den to watch television. I made hot chocolate, and Edward and I sat outside on the front porch swing drinking from mugs and sharing a blanket. The one question I was dying to ask still lingered on my tongue. I debated whether or not to ask, but the moment was really nice and I didn't want to ruin it. Plus I was really afraid to find out the answer. He suspected that I was being tormented by something and asked me to spill because my fidgeting was apparently driving him nuts. So I sat back, turning my body toward his and sighed.

"Was Charlotte the only person you've been with?" He shook his head, his eyes darting to the wood floor. My stomach turned a bit, but I reined it in, remembering that he had a past and it wasn't his fault. "How many girls have you been with?"

"Just one other."

"Was she your girlfriend?" I could barely make eye contact with him.

"God, no. She's…her name is Tanya. Her parents are good friends with my parents. We've known each other since we're kids." Edward shrugged his shoulders and I felt immediate relief, be it minor.

"And you were together just once…or…?"

"Bella…do you really want to know this?" he asked, giving me a compassionate look as his hands fidgeted in his lap. I nodded, pursing my lips. No, not really, but yes definitely.

He huffed, leaning his head back against the swing cushion. "Tanya's family and my family go on vacation together every year at spring break. We were on a cruise to Hawaii two years ago, when our parents had gone out for the night and we got the brilliant idea to play strip poker in the state room. She's older than me and she had been fucking ...all suggestive and flirty the whole week, so I don't know. I figured _what the hell_? We were…together a couple of times during the trip and that's pretty much it. We email and shit now and then, but I haven't seen her since, because with the move and everything that happened last year, we didn't go on a family vacation. It's not a big deal."

I nodded, hurt without reason, but pacified. "So you don't love her or anything?"

"No, hell no. I've never had a real girlfriend, never been in love before. This," he passed his hand back and forth between the two of us, "is all new to me. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. But..."

"But what?"

"Do you… I mean, are you… are we… fuck, this is awkward." He let out a frustrated sigh, rubbing his hand over his forehead. "I want to be with you, Bella."

My skin felt tingly and my heart sort of felt like it was melting. "I want to be with you too, Edward." I smiled shyly, running the tips of my fingers over my bracelet.

"But the thing is…even though we can't be together- together, I am gonna freak the fuck out if you are with anyone else." He raised an eyebrow, in what appeared to be a warning.

I raised an eyebrow back. "What does that mean?"

"Are we doing this? Me and you…us…together…?" His voice cracked a little and he looked scared shitless.

I nodded and smiled, feeling beautiful and lovely and all his. As Edward licked his lips, my eyes stared fixatedly on them, saddened by the fact that mine were not pressed against them.

"Edward? On my eighteenth birthday, would you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Would you kiss me right here on this swing?"

He nodded his head slowly, his expression forlorn yet sort of amused simultaneously. "Trust me, I'm gonna do a hell of a lot more than just kiss you. Make sure Charlie's not home that night." We laughed, both kind of stunned by what he had said, though it was honest and sweet and I hoped it was true.

We both rested our heads against the swing cushion staring at each other for a long time, until Charlie opened the door to say good night and politely hint for Edward to go home. Parting was what they would call "such sweet sorrow," because it physically hurt to not kiss or hug after the day we shared and the feelings we had admitted to one another. And it also felt wholly unnatural not to, like being trapped behind a glass wall against my will.

_Prison._

I knew this was just the beginning of a relationship that would likely see many struggles, and part of me questioned whether it was even reasonable for two teenagers to become so deeply involved with such strict limitations placed on them. But it was done years ago, when it was considered impolite to touch another person without their permission. It was not impossible. Difficult yes, but not impossible.

We had made it through the day without touching once, while effectively showing affection toward one another.

I blew a goodnight kiss to Edward, which was apparently our 'thing', and I watched Esme greet him as he put his key into the front door. After I said goodnight to Charlie, who thankfully did not give me the third degree about Edward, I changed, checked my email and debated whether to text Alice and Rosalie about my day.

They were well aware that I was hanging out with Edward, but I couldn't tell them the reason we wouldn't be affectionate with each other. I had no idea how long I could keep up the façade, because they were my best friends, I hated lying and frankly, they were nosy bitches.

For a while, I laid in bed thinking about plausible excuses to explain for the absence of physical contact between us. Nothing I came up with was remotely believable. The only thing that made sense was to hide the relationship all together and continue to behave as if we were just friends. I hated lying, but I had to protect Edward.

I flipped through the first chapter of the book Edward and I got, but realized I was too tired to read anything. I turned off the lights, snuggling under the covers, thinking about Edward.

_Dear God,_

_Please bless all the people in the world who have no food, clothing or shelter, and give toys to all the little kids that have nothing to play with but an old shoe. Please watch over my family and friends, and especially Edward. He needs some guidance, and even though I know he doesn't pray or anything, he could probably use a little miracle. Thank you for my day with him…and thank you for allowing me to be happy again._

_Amen_

The following morning, Edward stopped by my house as Alice and I were getting in my car. He was alone, obviously having not reconciled with Jasper. I asked him if he wanted me to go to Principal Meyer to help him explain, but he thanked me and said it would be best if he handled it himself.

People had heard the rumor on Monday, and by Thursday morning, we were the talk of the eleventh grade, by mostly the girls. The boys didn't seem to care as much, only giving Edward sporadic pats on the back and unmet attempts at high fives in congratulations for his newly outed heterosexuality.

Edward and I shared shy albeit sexy glances in English, walking side by side to lunch afterward. In the cafeteria, he looked so freaked out because of the tension between him and Jasper, that I plopped myself down in the chair next to him and ate my lunch quietly, while Jasper took it upon himself to sit in my seat and entertain the girls. We endured a lot of stares and idle chatter about the rumor that was circling, but Edward and I chose to just smile and ignore the ignorant talk. Being stared at and scrutinized gave me an all too familiar pang of anxiety, landing me right back in California the day after the dance. Having us sitting together just fueled the fire, but Edward whispered sweet, calming things to me, and as the panic subsided, all I could focus on was his face. Everything melted away and I was fine.

In Bio, as we were subjected to another boring lecture, Edward rifled though my bag looking for something. I kept taking notes when he pulled out my hamburger pad, jotted something down and slid it along the table toward me.

_I'm holding your hand under the table right now._

I smiled, wrote my reply, and slid it back to him. He lifted the spongy "bun," took one glance at the paper and tossed it back in my bag, covering his mouth with a weird coughing sound. He glared at me, shaking his head as I shrugged my shoulders innocently. I wore a smug grin, laughing to myself, which was wrong, so very very wrong. But it was all worth it to see Edward lose his carefully reigned in composure.

We hung out after school, in the tree house sans Jasper, who was suddenly MIA. We never spoke of the kiss, but I did mention to Edward how Jasper said he had only done it because I reminded him of Emily. I debated telling Alice, but she was on a Rosalie-induced indifference binge toward Jasper and Edward said he thought I should remain quiet about it until if or when things ever became of them. No need to hurt anyone's feelings if there was no reason.

Edward had therapy on Friday after school, which brought him home late into the evening. Admittedly, I waited around for him to call me, before I made definitive plans. I knew I shouldn't have been that reliant on him, but I missed him every second that I wasn't with him and I didn't feel like going out with the girls. Alice asked me to go down to the beach with her and Angela because Rose was with Emmett. Once Edward did call, he sounded tired and said he was just going to call it an early night. I was immensely disappointed but went to the beach with the girls, only to be bored and eagerly awaiting Edward's appearance, thinking he would have changed his mind.

He didn't.

We spent Saturday together hanging out in his basement, watching movies, talking and listening to music, and of course…getting high. The dynamic of our relationship was that of friends, with an overt crush. It was limited to that and we both struggled with holding back touches and caresses, substituting a lot of flirting and smiles for the former.

Sunday afternoon, Billy had given me the day off because of my hand, and Charlie was gone again off on surveillance of some shady dude suspected of cheating on his wife with the housekeeper. Edward and I were in my kitchen heating up tomato soup to go with the grilled cheese sandwiches we had cooked together. He sucked at the cooking part, but was really organized and regimented about setting up the supplies and ingredients and then just as efficient with the cleanup. We were being silly and totally flirtatious, and somehow everything turned into a sexual innuendo.

I was over the stove, about to spoon some soup into my mouth when I spilled it on my chest, essentially burning my skin. I shrieked, pulling at the front of the thin v- neck sweater I was wearing, not even caring that the bra I had underneath was completely sheer, and I was probably giving Edward a show. He panicked, grabbing a tray of ice cubes, and practically tossed a handful down the front of my stretched out shirt. It was funny, but not, as I was red and puffy and definitely burned. I pouted, rubbing ice over my chest, as the little droplets formed a pool of cool water in the front clasp of my bra while he stood there gaping at me.

I could see it in his eyes, Edward was weirded out. He did that thing with his hands where he made circles in his palms and he just looked sort of spooked. He apologized, said he suddenly wasn't feeling well, and he took off out the door like a bat out of hell. I watched in disbelief out my living room window as he vanished through the gate to his yard, heading straight to his room via the balcony. I was annoyed at his abrupt departure, and even more so when I saw that he had left his cell on my kitchen table.

I changed my shirt quickly, walking down the street to the side of his house, taking the balcony stairs up the same way he went. I was just going to leave the phone on his desk or wherever and go, because if he needed space or if he wasn't feeling well as he said, then I didn't want to be a nuisance. Behind the glass doors, I could only see Edward's legs stretched out on the bed, and the television playing a movie. I knocked twice softly, before opening the handle on the door and pushing the glass open, without waiting for a reply to enter.

Edward yelled something that sounded like, "Jesus fucking Christ!" hastily grabbing the comforter to cover his body with it. Something fell over onto the floor with a thud.

"E, you left your phone…" I stood in the doorway, with his silver cell phone paused in mid air, taking in the reality of what was happening. The bedroom smelled aromatic- clean, fresh and very familiar. He was bare chested; the roundness of his taught shoulders and the stark contrast of the black ink on his arm stood out against the stark white of the bedding. Edward had one arm tucked inside the blanket and the other balled into a fist over his terrified face. Once quick glance, and I noticed the bottle of lotion on his night table next to the bed.

_My lotion._

It took a second to absorb before I placed the phone gently down on the long dresser and crossed the room. Edward said, "Bella, you need to go, please." It was an absolute whimper, a plea... he stared up at the ceiling with his arm thrown over his forehead in a rigid position, as if every muscle in his body was atrophied.

"Bella, I'm serious, you gotta go…NOW!" It sounded like he was going to cry.

I was stunned and intrigued and definitely annoyed. But in the back of my mind, once he confirmed it, I knew what he was doing…and I also knew what I wanted.

My eyes shifted from the lotion, to the purple tube on the floor, back to the comforter. With my hands on my hips; my tone agitated and huffy, I asked, "Edward…did you seriously just leave my house to jerk off?"

"Oh my fucking god…" he groaned, covering his eyes in agony of the embarrassment.

_Confirmed._

"E?" I licked my lips, moving closer to the bed, staring in awe at the mini lump in the linens where I estimated his crotch to be. I only hoped he wouldn't freak out and think I was insane, perverted or sick or something. But I thought, since I was standing there, and he was, well…obviously naked, that it couldn't hurt to ask. So I did.

"Can I see it?"

**~%~**

**I know…happy peen time! Just a warning…it will begin to get a bit smutty from here on in. I am impressed with how long you guys have stuck around with a story that has so little smut, considering many of you came over from IBYLT and that was…well, nothing but dirty lovin.'**

**And on a darker note, so many of you asked for the article that inspired Edward's sentence. I can not for the life of me locate it. It is important to understand that while Edward's restraining order is very rare, it is real. The circumstances that led to the situation ARE NOT. The way I have this set up is HIGHLY UNCONSTITUTIONAL and UNLAWFUL. Edward would have had to go to trial and the physical evidence would have had to be MUCH clearer for any judge to instill this upon him. THIS IS FICTION and I have taken liberties.**

**This however, is just one of **_**many**_** real stories that have inspired Bella's situation: As seen on The Today Show:**

"**The image was blurred and the voice distorted, but the words spoken by a young Ohio woman are haunting. She had sent nude pictures of herself to a boyfriend. When they broke up, he sent them to other high school girls. The girls were harassing her, calling her a slut and a whore. She was miserable and depressed, afraid even to go to school. And now Jesse Logan was going on a Cincinnati television station to tell her story. Her purpose was simple: "I just want to make sure no one else will have to go through this again." The interview was in May 2008. Two months later, Jessica Logan hanged herself in her bedroom. She was 18."**


	15. Chapter 15 Saved

**SM owns it.**

* * *

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 15~ Saved**

**Every sound monotone  
Every color monochrome  
Life begin to fade into the black  
Such a simple animal  
Sterilized with alcohol  
I could hardly feel me anymore  
Desperate, meaningless  
All filled up with emptiness  
Felt like everything was said and done  
Nothing more to give  
I can finally come alive  
Your life into me  
I can finally breathe  
Foo Fighters~ Come Alive**

**~Edward~**

My head was a mass of diverse emotions as the whirlwind surrounded all my thoughts and quite fucking frankly, my goddamn overzealous libido.

My crotch was on fucking fire.

I wondered why the fuck she would show me something like that, especially the day after I told her I couldn't even fucking touch her. Did she not understand what the effect of allowing me access to naked pics of her being the meat in a guy sandwich would have on me? Talk about fucking torture. However, she immediately explained that the girl in the photo wasn't her; something about her own boobs being smaller. Even though I had only seen her bare boobs from afar, I wouldn't have immediately noticed the difference if she hadn't pointed it out, because...I was just lost in a trance.

And yes, I was virtually heartbroken when she shut down the screen and part of me wanted to ask her to forward the pictures for my viewing pleasure at home. But at the same time, I was completely disgusted with the idea of her ever being with one guy, never mind two at the same time. Girls like that were whores, and Bella, my Beautiful girl, was not a fucking whore. I am pretty sure that even if it were really her, I would have rationalized it in my head, concocting excuses and plausible reasoning's until she was pure again.

The pictures were unbelievably realistic, that for a fraction of a second, I thought maybe she was lying about them being doctored. But no, I knew Bella wouldn't do that; she wouldn't lie to me. I faced fury as she explained what had happened to her- the betrayal and humiliation over a fucking guy, _by her best friend._

I didn't understand girls at all. We were all made to believe that women were highly emotional and sensitive creatures that had little in the way of logic or reason, that they were small and meek and definitely the weaker sex, in need of protection and guidance. Was that stereotype fucking inaccurate. Evidently, the female species was vicious and vengeful, merciless, predatory and definitely not weak by any means. Those bitches scorned each other to the death. What the fuck happened to female bonding, woman's lib and girl power and all that shit?

As Bella told me the details of her shitty life in California and what led her to eventually find refuge in Forks, I was so goddamn saddened by it all. Bella was tortured relentlessly for something she didn't even do and the poor girl had barely even kissed a guy before let alone ever have the opportunity to view a real live dick or "peen" as she dubbed it. I could barely get the word out of my mouth, because I had no idea.

I mean, I thought for sure she left because of boyfriend issues. It never even crossed my mind that she would be a virgin...a girl that pretty and unassumingly sexy couldn't possibly not have experimented sexually.

I also found it highly interesting that she had panic attacks for the same reason as I did- stress and anxiety initially brought on by stares and whispers of mind-boggling fabrications and damaging lies by the people we had trusted.

But what I could not believe was how composed Bella was in the aftermath. She showed no outward signs of trauma from the events and I was really, oddly proud of her for not allowing the disgraceful actions of others affect her life. I am sure it was different for her back there, especially having to live across the fucking street from the girl who ruined her life. But aside from the scene on Monday in the parking lot and her mini freak out on the first day where I helped her find the English classroom, I had never seen her unruffled in the slightest. She did admit that her medication helped her appear outwardly confident and "normal." This girl was a trooper…she was strong and I fucking admired her for it, almost a bit enviously even.

I was an idiot. The sound of car tires gliding in on her driveway, and I fucking fell apart when I heard Charlie pull up. Like a little kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, I lost it, looking for an escape route as fast as fucking possible. Charlie didn't intimidate me or anything, I think I was just so paranoid about being alone with his daughter in his own home that I thought he would have my ass. It was a stupid reaction, but it was one that was necessary after what I had to deal with every day.

The drive to Port Angeles was nice. The feeling of the openness and fresh air together with the impressive speed of the little car and the brush of wind on my face was consuming. Not to mention the girl I had happily placed next to me, being the best part of the trip. I hadn't been in a convertible in a while- dad rarely used the Porsche and none of us were allowed within ten feet of it, since I had "borrowed" it for my trip to New York. Yeah, fun times.

Just another thing to feel fucking guilty for.

I glanced briefly at the list that Bella had created of questions to ask, noticing that they were just thoughts and words jotted down on loose leaf paper. She was trying to put pieces of the puzzle together. Truthfully, I was impressed at how much she was able to retain considering she was drugged up while I was giving her the verbal vomit of my fucking history. Even after everything I told her, she was there willingly, smiling shyly, laughing and being…Bella.

When I looked at her, something happened inside of me that I couldn't explain. Like a light or a switch being shifted on, a power surge through the network of my entire body…she was like sunshine peeking through clouds after a week of rain, or a glass of ice cold water immediately after a long run. She was my comfort, my relief, and fucking… my hope.

It was stupid, but yeah, I felt an intrinsic sense of hope with her. She made me smile hard and feel so good on the inside and I felt the desire to do things other than get high to pass the time. I loved being around her and immediately felt depressed when we parted ways. It sucked, but it was cool in a way because I had something to look forward to every morning….a reason to get up… a reason to exist.

Aside from the incessant questions, which truthfully I didn't mind answering, the day was fucking fantastic. I couldn't have asked for better weather or better company. We talked a lot, getting to know each other, sharing stories and of course, answering questions. Bella, always with her questions. I took in and admired the little things that were easily overlooked, things about her that I wanted to learn and absorb and memorize forever.

Bella pressed her lips together and scrunched her nose when she scanned a restaurant menu, and she drank a sip of soda after every bite of her food. She only looked in her little compact mirror once, and I think it was to check if she had any food stuck in her teeth, but not to apply lip gloss or anything. She danced unconsciously whenever she heard music she liked, not even realizing she was shimmying her shoulders minutely or tapping her foot. And it was funny because I noticed how she fucking touched _everything_.

At the jewelry display she touched all the little pieces within reach, as if making contact with them would make a certain item call to her. In the bookstore, she ran her hands along the spines of the books; she picked up little journals and oddities that were on display. She played with the tassels on all of the bookmarks in the rack, and the one with the couple holding hands, she ran her finger down the front of its smooth surface, almost longingly. So I bought it for her, along with the book that intrigued her so. I loved that she wanted to read it just because I was going to…

Her eyes twinkled when I bought her the book and the bracelet, even though she protested, I had to do it. There was so much I wouldn't be able to do, so the things I could accomplish, I had to maybe overdo, simply to prove that I could have a deep relationship without touching. Whom exactly I was proving that to, remained to be discovered. I held doors open for her and always let her walk inside before me. I wanted Bella to know that I was a gentleman, even though I didn't act like one all the time, I was a good person inside. At least, I wanted to be for her.

Bella fired away at the questions sporadically throughout the afternoon, giving me small breaks in between and I had to admire her tenacity. The only thing I couldn't talk about was baseball. When she brought it up, I became uncomfortable because giving that up, leaving that piece of me behind was painful and it was just hard to talk about. I don't think she could even understand the passion that I felt toward the game and the tremendous sense of loss, being told I was not welcome on the team that I had worked so fucking hard to be on. And those guys, my teammates, my friends, turned their backs on me without even saying a word or giving me the benefit of the doubt.

Devastating wasn't even a reasonable emotion to describe what I had felt.

I would talk to her about it though, when I was ready, because Bella was so fucking easy to talk with. She made me feel important and sort of special, I guess, and I hadn't felt either of those things in a very long time.

When we were waiting in the coffee shop, Emmett called. I went out to have a cigarette while he grilled me about what had happened- what _she_ said, what _I _said, had I kissed her or touched a boob or anything? He was seriously worse than a fucking girl when it came to gossip, but I thought it was cool that he even cared. I told him everything, how accepting she was of what happened to me, and that she had also let me in on a huge part of her own life, without giving Emmett details about the specifics of what she told me. On the other end of the phone, he was practically squealing with excitement, and I had to laugh at him being all excited and shit for me.

I think he was genuinely disappointed that we didn't kiss, but he knew me better than to think I would cave and violate the rules after only a few days. There was a good possibility that I would relent to some degree, I mean, Bella was fucking beautiful and she made me crazy with desire. But the control freak in me with an extreme aversion to eight by eight rooms with bars was combating a vicious dual with the selfish sex starved teenager.

I had no fucking clue what part of me would lie down and surrender first. It would be interesting to see what part of Edward Cullen's damaged psyche survived to be the victor.

On a darker note, I had asked Emmett if he had seen Jasper at all, and he said that Jazz was in and out, barely talking to anyone, and not home for dinner last night. I knew that I needed to talk to him, I just didn't fucking feel like having that shit ruin my high. It was already weighing on my conscience too much like an annoying song lingering in the back of my mind, bothering me and irritating me… a persistent itch I couldn't gain access to relieve.

But when our order was ready, Bella I shared a poignant moment. As she raised her hand to the glass wall between us, I felt magnetically drawn, compelled to place my hand on hers. My large hand engulfed her tiny one and the look on her face was heartbreaking and echoed into the depths of my fucking soul. I knew she was the one...the one girl that would change my life for the better, the one girl that would leave her mark on me forever. It terrified me and comforted me, knowing that I had discovered what I was searching for, but I was only permitted to have a small part of it.

And that fucking sucked.

So, I asked her to marry me. Well, not so much as I told her there was a loophole in the sentence with getting married. I teased her about having a white dress and then she said I had nice lips all breathy and the sound went straight to my cock.

What I didn't tell her was that I had looked up on the internet all the individual state laws regarding marriage, just for the fuck of it a few months back. Las Vegas was the only state that allowed a 16 or 17 year old to marry; only requiring one parent to grant permission to the union. They didn't even need to be present. Not that my parents would ever allow me to get fucking married at sixteen years old for the sole sake of being able to fuck my girlfriend, but I thought that if I could maybe work something out like people did with illegal immigrants, that I could pay someone to be my wife.

That was before I met Bella, though. Now…now I would marry her just because I lov…

_No, no…_

_Yeah, maybe._

_Oh fuck…Definitely._

_But I can't say it out loud, not yet._

_I want to._

_But I can't._

_Not yet._

Later, as she dozed off in the car, I touched her face gently and leaned into her hair to get a whiff, placing a kiss on her forehead. She was pure fucking heaven and I loved the feeling my body got when I smelled her sweet Bellaness, and when my lips brushed her unbelievably soft skin. I just felt fucking happy and shit, despite the unfortunate circumstances. I never thought I would feel like this…so goddamn… alive.

Bella invited me in for dinner and I was elated, because I just didn't want to face Jasper just yet. I would of course eventually, but I had such a great fucking day and I didn't want to screw it up by being all emo and shit over our brotherly angst.

I ate dinner at her house, bullshitting with her dad about baseball, and sports in general, which was really fucking cool. I thought that it must irk the piss out of him to have his ex-wife married to a highly successful pro ball player. That has to suck. I mean, if she's going to walk out, then she should at least have the fucking decency to find someone that you can make fun of- _not_ feel inferior to.

We sat on the swing for a long time, only the soft light from the porch illuminating her face, the blanket between us, and mugs of hot cocoa warming our hands in the chilly evening. I wanted to hug her so badly and tell her how I felt about her, how fucking giddy I felt when I was around her. It was hard to control the inherent urges…damn hard.

I explained that even after I turned eighteen, I could legally kiss her and touch her, but probably wouldn't simply because I knew once I started I wouldn't be able to stop. The desire to be inside of her would consume me and take hold of me like a wild fucking animal. Then all I would need was a statutory rape charge against me the second I was free of the restraining order. We would just have to take it day by day and cross that bridge eventually.

She brought up my past conquests, wanting to know specific numbers, and I think she would have greedily eaten up details of the encounters had I offered them. I was actually ashamed to tell Bella the sordid details of that week on the cruise.

Tanya was just an old friend, like a buddy's hot older sister or the slutty neighbor that you watched from across the fence wishing she would just let you cop a feel. She meant nothing to me, though she was fucking hot and very sexy, I had no feelings for the girl, whatsoever.

As I told Bella the truth, I remembered the details, inwardly cringing. We were on that cruise, just having left Maui. The three of us guys and Tanya and her twin sister Irina, spent the day at the beach, swimming and snorkeling and shit, and it was pretty fucking cool. Except for the goddamn sand which I hated with scornful vehemence.

Tanya was all over my shit that day, throwing complements and overt sexual innuendos left and right. Secretly, I was hoping I would get laid, as I knew she was experienced and I didn't want my first time with a girl I really cared about to be a fucking disaster. Our parents disappeared for the night leaving us in our suite, and Emmett was off banging some girl at the teen club on the Lido Deck. Somehow, after playing a few rounds of strip poker, I ended up making out with Tanya, while Jasper got a fucking blow job from Irina in the bathroom.

It was my first time, and I was fourteen, scared shitless but too embarrassed to admit it to her. She was sixteen, and hadn't been a virgin for a while. I don't really know exactly how things unfolded, I just remember her telling me she wanted me bad and so I eagerly let her show me the ropes. She was a great teacher, patient and very informative, telling me what she liked and didn't, and what to do with my hands and stuff. We'd fucked two more times on that trip and I wasn't going to lie, it felt fucking fantastic, even though I lasted all of ten seconds.

But that was the last time I saw her because that following summer the shit happened with Charlotte, and well, the rest is no secret. Tanya called me once in a blue moon when she was drunk and she and I emailed every so often, but that's all there was. She was away at WSU, loving her sorority, and sleeping with all the frat guys, last I spoke with her.

Bella didn't seem too bothered by it. In fact I think she was relieved that I didn't have a long list, and especially that I had never been in love, nor did I ever have a real girlfriend before. She was my first, and after she agreed that we were in fact "doing this", I would be her boyfriend.

When I left Bella's, I felt unfathomably miserable saying goodbye to her, the aching and longing writhing deep within my stomach, even though I knew I would see her again in only a few hours. She was my addiction, like a drug that I couldn't say no to, couldn't get enough of. I needed her scent and her smile and the sound of her laughter to breathe. I was fucking pathetic, and I was… in love?

Is that what this was? Because I had never felt anything before even remotely close to what I was feeling with Bella, the twisting and the butterflies in my stomach, the fuzzy, tingly feelings all over my body when I pictured her face in my mind. All of it, what I thought and what I felt and what I wanted to do with her and to her but couldn't… was strong enough to knock me on my ass. I was stupid to question what I was feeling, even though it was so soon. I mean, my mom knew before I even did when she met me at the front door that night all giddy and elated and asking a billion questions like a gossipy teenager.

But this girl made me weak with want and while the thought was utter blasphemy, I think my fucking situation may have been a blessing in disguise because otherwise I'd have my tongue or dick or my fingers in any given part of her twenty four seven.

And that was a motherfucking fact.

~%~

Thursday morning was irritating to say the least. I met up with Bella, trying to dissuade her from coming to the principal's office to help fix the mess that was made. I knew she felt like she needed to make amends in righting the wrong, but it thought it would be better if I handled it myself.

Cautiously, with my heartbeating hard, I entered the main office, asking the general secretary to see Mrs. Meyer. When I told her my name, her eyes widened slightly and she nodded, using the phone to alert Mrs. Meyer of my presence. I was led into the office immediately, a thin sheen of sweat forming on my brow.

"Ah, Mr. Cullen, just the man I wanted to see. Have a seat." She motioned for me to sit in one of the two leather chairs that were situated before her desk. As always with this type of furniture arrangement, I sat in the left chair, and I don't know why I chose the left, I just knew that it always had to be the left. I made eye contact with her briefly before sliding into the seat with my hands clasped in my lap.

"How are you these days? Everything going well?" Her tone was genuine and I appreciated her not being immediately accusatory or condescending.

"As well as can be expected," I responded softly. She nodded curtly in acknowledgement.

"I, um…I'm here because I wanted to let you know that a rumor was started accidentally and I thought I should clear it up with you before it was blown out of proportion." I offered her a meek smile, feeling like a fucking child.

"Edward, I appreciate your candor and the effort you took to see me before I had to call you in. I did hear about the rumor, and trust me; I understand that things can get out of hand. _He _said, _she_ said, _they_ said…it's very complicated sometimes. This is however, _just _a rumor?" Mrs. Meyer's eyes narrowed slightly, taking in my rigid posture.

"Yes ma'am. My friend Bella just said it to shut up some people who were talking about me derogatorily, but she had no idea about my situation. It was a mistake." I shrugged, hoping I wouldn't get Bella in trouble for this. I debated telling her that she and I were a couple, but I really didn't want to have to explain the mechanics and the dynamics of the relationship to her when I barely understood them myself.

"Well, good. I am glad to hear that. But truthfully, Edward you don't really have anything to worry about. Your grades are exemplary, your attendance, lack of latenesses and your generally academic record is one to be extremely proud of." She stood, walking over to her file cabinet and pulled out a blue folder. As she thumbed through it, she sat on the corner of her desk and gave a pointed glance my way. I suddenly felt cornered.

"I've taken the liberty to go through your transfer files from your previous school in Chicago. It seems you were quite the student there. Freshman Class President, Debate team, National Honor Society, Leader's Club, Yearbook, volunteer with the blood drive, school newspaper and literary magazine…you even helped with creating sets for the school musical." Her face was covered with a weird smile, as if she had discovered the Principal's fountain of youth.

I sort of looked around the room aimlessly. What was her fucking point? "Uh…I was tied by a point for highest Freshman class GPA with this girl. My English teacher said she would give me extra credit if I helped with the sets." I nodded my head like an idiot. "I used to be sort of…competitive."

"I also see that you were _some_ ball player. Forks High School could use some new blood on the team, Lord knows they are trying. I would very much like to see you participate in some after school activities and maybe consider joining a team or two. You have too much potential to waste by doing nothing with your time, Edward."

I shrugged my shoulders, knowing that it wasn't going to happen. "Thank you, Mrs. Meyer. I'll consider it." We discussed colleges for a few minutes and after I lied and informed her that I was looking into medical schools, she forced back a smile. The truth is that I wanted to go to med school but had been sidetracked by everything that happened, and I wasn't actively looking.

I also knew that if I wanted to get into somewhere decent, I had no choice but to participate in extracurricular activities. Sure as shit, Harvard and John's Hopkins weren't even going to consider me without a slew of colorful extramural stuff on my record. I just didn't fucking feel like doing anything except smoke weed and hang out with Bella. And I still had senior year to worry about that crap.

"Have a great day, Edward. Oh, and try to remember there is no smoking on school grounds." Mrs. Meyer gave me a stern look before I thanked her and left. I really felt badly after that, knowing I had blown it so out of proportion and yelled at Bella. Our concurrent Monday afternoon panic attacks were so unnecessary, and I felt like shit for putting her through hers.

Later on, when we were in lunch, I felt the stares and the whispers like dark rain clouds overhead threatening to rain down in buckets. I had been feeling that shit all day, a tight squeeze in my throat and chest, and it reminded me of being in school when all that fucking bullshit surrounded me in Chicago. Bella was having a lot of anxiety over it. The situation with Jasper was still awkward and fucked up, so when she took her lunch tray and sat at the table with me, Jasper stood and took her place at the girl's table.

I asked her if she was okay, when I knew she wasn't, but I kept telling her that she was fine and that she was so fucking pretty and that I couldn't wait to take her out again. The more I whispered, the easier she was distracted. I think the sound of my voice or the soothing tone helped her, or maybe it was just my fucking french fry breath on her face that was slowly luring her into submission, I don't know. But I told her how badly I wanted to kiss her and hold her hand and give her a hug, and that I was counting the days until I could do just that. Her body eventually relaxed, my words offering her comfort and security.

I did good.

I was also fucking hard as a rock talking about kissing and touching her. So in Bio when I grabbed her stupid hamburger pad from her bag and wrote how I was holding her hand under the table, I fucking almost passed out when she slid it back. I opened the bun part and it said,

_I'm on my knees between your legs with your peen in my mouth._

God, if only that were true. I knew she was teasing me and she was fucking smug about it, smirking and thinking she was all funny, only I was hard again and it sucked. And then for the rest of the day, all I could see was her face staring up at me between my legs, her big brown eyes framed by thick lashes as her mouth engulfed my cock.

I would not make it two years because I would be in fucking jail by Christmas.

Friday, I drove to Port Angeles by myself for the first time since we moved to Forks. Jasper always accompanied me to therapy sessions, just in case I couldn't handle the drive back. One time, while we were in Chicago, I had a session that practically gutted me. I had an attack so badly afterward that I was in bed all fucking zombied out on Valium for two days. Since then my parents refused to let me go alone. I actually rather liked the company, and missed it on that day.

I was also nervous, because I knew I would be discussing my relationship with Bella, and I was very curious as to what Dr. Kate would have to say about it. I wasn't sure if she would get all weirded out thinking I was breaking the rules or something.

But as I explained what was going on and what had happened over the last three days, we never got to talk about Bella really because she bombarded me with questions about the exact nature of Jasper and my relationship. It was so fucking emotional and hard to talk about, just knowing that this kid that I loved hated my fucking guts for ruining his life. She brought up the fact that maybe Jasper was emotionally disturbed by the ramifications of the trauma I went through, and she thought that personally, our family should have all been in therapy as a group.

I left feeling like shit, and just really wanting to avoid everything and sleep. Actually, I wanted to be with Bella, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to be around her in my state. I felt vulnerable and I thought I might subconsciously try to get some affection from her. I fucking missed the hell out for her though and halfway through the night I regretted not asking her to come over. Still, I hoped she was having a good time at the beach with her girls.

Saturday was very cool. We watched a movie, played some video games in the basement and smoked up a little in the tree house. We kind of bummed around, ordered a pizza and just talked. It was cool that we didn't need to be doing something every time we hung out. I mean, sure I wanted to take her places and stuff, I was just glad that she wasn't one of those high maintenance girls that needed constant entertainment.

It was good, just she and I, no more secrets, just us.

But then Sunday afternoon, Bella called to let me know Billy had given her party to the other girl because Charlie mentioned her injured hand. I immediately cancelled my plans of working out, reading my novel and jerking off, to go hang with her. We didn't even smoke, we just hung out in her living room, watching cartoons and ridiculous infomercials.

I helped her make lunch, which I was getting pretty good at. She liked when I set up all the stuff on the counter and she thought it was entirely too fucking funny when I lined up everything according to height, making sure all the labels faced outward. She mumbled something about "Sleeping With the Enemy," and I laughed aloud, knowing exactly what movie she was referring to.

I was starving and the grilled cheese sandwiches looked and smelled fucking mouthwatering. I couldn't wait to dip it into the soup she had boiling in the pot on the stove.

Before we even got to taste any of it, she spilled it down her shirt, screaming from the burn. I panicked, tossing an entire tray of ice cubes down her stretched out sweater. She screamed when the cold hit her and I tried not to laugh at the comedy of it all, ice flying all over the place, her sweater hanging off her blotchy chest, me just feeling awkward and stupid... and so fucking turned on.

I might take a moment to mention here that the sweater was thin, black and v -neck. _Really _v-neck, almost down to the middle of her cleavage. Her boobs were all pushed together and were peeking out the top of the v, beckoning me to touch them all fucking afternoon.

In her haste to get relief from the burn, she pulled the top of the sweater down, revealing a black bra that was motherfucking see through. I could see everything, and more. Trust me, up close was nothing like I imagined. Her breasts were goddamn fantastic and her nipples were so fucking…pert.

To make things worse, she was rubbing the ice cubes all over her blotchy red chest, making little whimpers and moans in the process. The water beads were slowly trickling down into her cleavage, pooling in her bra.

She had no idea what she was doing to me obviously, because my mind went blank and I sort of stood there gaping at her, feeling all tingly inside as my dick swelled. Before I even knew it, I mumbled something about not feeling well and sprinted the fuck home, bypassing even my front door because I had no idea who was in the house, and I didn't want to be caught with a ginormous chubby ripping its way through my pants.

I stripped off my jacket as I climbed the balcony stairs, shoving the key in the lock in my door, and bursting inside. Within record breaking seconds, I was naked, having thrown my clothes neatly over the arm of the couch and debating whether I wanted to alleviate the pressure in the shower or the bed. Deciding against the shower, simply for lack of desire to redo the fucking hair again, I grabbed two hand towels, one damp, one dry, and flicked on the television to mute before I locked the door and made myself comfortable.

Using a mixture of equal parts lube and lotion, I slathered my rock hard cock with the liquid immediately throwing my head back at the sensation. God that smell…so fucking Bella.

I wondered if they sold chocolate scented lube…

Fucking felt so damn good. A few long, slow strokes and the perfect visual of Bella stripping off her black sweater made me groan a little aloud. I gripped the shaft firmly in my fingers squeezing as I neared the engorged head, in which the slit was filled with a slick puddle of precum.

In my head, fantasy Bella was unclasping her bra and just about to take it off, when the sound of light rapping at the door was sort of muffled by the arm that I had thrown over my eyes. I was too lost in the visual of the ice cubes sliding across Bella's bare breasts, around her perfect nipples to realize that it was actually her at the door.

She stood there mumbling something about my phone…her words were sort of garbled and took a few seconds to register as they waded through the depraved images and thoughts in my brain. I threw the covers over my nakedness in sheer mortification begging her to leave, hoping and praying she would just think I was sick and go. I had no idea at that point how much she had witnessed and I wanted to fucking die right there, covered in lube and lotion with, my hand wrapped around my stiffy.

But no…not Curious Bella.

She crossed the room, refusing to leave as I'd asked, or demanded, rather, and I knew, I fucking_ knew_ she wasn't going to let it go. "Bella, I'm serious, you gotta go…NOW!" My voice cracked as I was seriously about to fucking cry.

She stood at the side of my bed with her hands poised on her hips, her foot tapping agitatedly. She was fucking pissed…

_Fuck she's done with me, disgusted and thoroughly repulsed_.

In a tone that suggested an extreme level of irritation, she asked, "Edward…did you seriously just leave my house to jerk off?"

"Oh my fucking god…" I groaned aloud, throwing my arm back over my eyes in just raw mortification.

_How the fuck do I get out of this? _

"E?" she said softly, as I peeked out from under my forearm. I was blushing hard; I imagine my skin was the color of a fucking watermelon. Bella took a few steps closer to the bed. Her eyes were fixated on the covers, directly where my dick was. The hollow of her throat bobbed as she swallowed, and her eyes seemed alight with fascination or something.

"Can I see it?"

_Huh? Can you see it? _

_See what? My hand wrapped around my DICK?_

"What? NO!" I squealed, my fist tightening as I sat up momentarily in a fit of incredulity. "No, you can't see it! Bella, please just go, I am begging you…please." I was whimpering pathetically, almost in tears. Partly because I was humiliated beyond reason, and partly because I need to get off so badly that even her intrusion hadn't lessened the throbbing ache or the enormous hard on I was sporting around my fingers. I think my dick was turned on by mortification.

"Please?" she asked sweetly, sitting on the edge of the bed, a few inches away from my knees.

"Bella, I am not…are you…why do you even want to fucking see it?"

"You know I've never seen one before. Come on, you don't have to be embarrassed. Everyone does it." Her fingertips grazed the top of the comforter slowly. The pressure wasn't enough to actually make contact with my body, but my dick didn't fucking care. It twitched and I gripped it harder to stop it from being noticeable.

"Everyone?" I opened one eye scrutinizing her. What the fuck did that mean? Did it mean what I thought it meant? Please if there is a god…

"I do it all the time," she whispered, with a little shy smile on her lips. My eyes widened automatically as her gaze met mine. "What, you think teenage boys hold the monopoly on masturbation?" Her face screwed up as her eyebrow quirked.

_She fucking touched herself?_

My hand slid down my cock involuntarily at her words. She saw the covers wiggle slightly at the movement and smirked. "You touch yourself?"

She bit her lip shyly and nodded. "Please let me see it, E. You know if things were different I would have probably already seen it by now…and maybe even_ touched_ it."

_Fuck._

My hand tightened around my dick again, instinctively stroking a few times, as I inhaled a deep, staggered breath. I didn't know whether I should let go and let her view it without my fingers around it, but part of me…the sick, hormonal, demented part was hoping she'd want to watch me get off.

I squeezed my eyes tightly and whispered, "Fine. Go ahead…look." She smiled all wide eyed and absolutely giddy, slowly moving back the covers, her face alight with the anticipation of uncovering a new found treasure. I closed my eyes shut again, leaning back into the pillows, not wanting to see her reaction or her disgusted face once she really saw with her own eyes. As the comforter moved away, the cold air hit my groin immediately and the scent of her perfume wafted in the air.

She gasped.

I cringed.

"Oh wow...it's so big! Is that normal, I mean are they all so big?" Her voice was laced with awe and disbelief.

_She thinks my cock is fucking big._

I just shook my head having no idea how to answer that because yeah, it was big, but not like, abnormally large. I wasn't a freak or anything. I was feeling so fucking exposed and vulnerable…and oddly turned on. Again, my fingers tightened around the shaft and stroked upward.

_Stroke, stroke._

"God, your body is…amazing, wow. What do you think about when you do this?" she whispered. I opened one eye to look at her. She was gaping at my cock, all wide eyed and dumbfounded.

_You._

_Naked._

_Stroke, stroke._

"I don't know…" What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?

_I jerk off to various images of you naked and in compromising positions, Bella._

She sighed. "Do you ever…think about me?"

"Uh…yeah?" It came out more as a question because I mean, did she not understand that it was the exposure of her breasts that led me here at this very moment?

"You do? Do you think about me…naked?" _Fuck, yeah_. I fondled it a few more times, aware that she hadn't said anything about me stopping, nor did she appear disgusted in the least.

"Do you ever imagine me doing things to you?" She was so fucking innocent and sweet while asking these almost childlike questions and it was such a motherfucking turn on, it was ridiculous. I felt shameful…but not enough to stop.

"Yes," I answered simply, rubbing my thumb around the slick head in a circle. She leaned forward, craning her neck to get a good look at what I was doing. Truthfully, I was hoping that maybe she was trying to observe for educational purposes, for the future. It was still embarrassing, but really, she was right. If things were different, we probably would have explored each other's bodies a little by now. I sure as hell know I would have made a move to assault her tits at the very least.

"Like… what do you imagine me doing?" her voice was sultry, breathy, silk on skin.

_Well, where do I start…I see you wet and dripping up against the tiles in the shower, leaning against a Ferrari, bent over my couch with your perfect naked ass in the air, on the bed with your legs spread wide open and fucking dripping wet for me, stripping out of a tiny bikini, in nothing but those red fuck me boots on your knees blowing me…do you want more, Baby?_

"I don't know, B. I think about… having sex with you and… you on your knees with me in your mouth and...fuck…what do _you_ think about when you do this shit?" I was getting sort of annoyed, not at her questions, but because I really just wanted to fucking finish. And also, I was goddamn starving and I knew those grilled cheese sandwiches were still at her house uneaten. The faster this got done, the faster I fucking got fed.

"Well, sometimes I imagine how you would take all my clothes off really slowly, and just touch me all over…with your mouth." Her voice was sweet and melodic and went straight to my balls. My dick twitched again, sending me a little nudge to keep playing.

_Tell me more, Beautiful._

_Stroke, stroke._

"Yeah? What do I do to you?" I hedged, hoping she would get specific.

"Well, you kiss me a lot and you whisper things in my ear and then you …" She sort of giggled shyly, "Then you lick my boobs and I watch you do it because your tongue is amazing."

I slid my hand up the shaft and back down again, picking up speed. The smell of the perfume was intoxicating as I had my eyes closed imagining her acting out the scene she was narrating; her voice giving me chills and the will to fucking go forward. "What else, Beautiful? Tell me more."

"Well then, you suck on my nipples and you bite them a little too and I moan a whole lot and you tell me you like it when I make happy sounds."

_Oh my god._

I opened my eyes to see her dragging her short nails over her thighs which were tightly pressed together. Her face was flushed slightly, indicating that she was turned on by the dirty talk.

I immediately became excited, realizing that this opened a whole can of worms, because one, even though she was a virgin, she had obviously watched some porn or something to know what the fuck to do and two, she definitely knew what she liked and wasn't afraid to verbalize it, and three, she was fucking great at telling me and four, we could have fucking sex through the phone and shit.

_Fuck… the thought of being able to get off at the same time as her was mind boggling and something I'd never even considered. This could get very interesting…_

Bella's eyes were sort of hooded, her cheeks and ears pink and rosy, and her chest was still red and blotchy from the burn. I stroked faster, watching her as she watched me. Her eyes glanced to my face and she licked her lips. Her hands lifted off her thighs as she squeezed her fingers open and shut, she whined, "Ohhhhh… I want touch you so bad."

_Fuck me…_

"Touch your tits, Baby." I whispered it so low, that I wasn't sure if she even heard me, but the second she began to untie the belt on her wrap around sweater I fucking melted into the bed. I had unconsciously called her Beautiful, and Baby in the last seventeen seconds and she didn't flinch at either pet name. My heart began to race harder, and I felt clammy and sweaty and downright euphoric.

She licked her lips as her little hand tentatively reached into her shirt, pulling the two sides of the little black fabric apart to reveal a plain black bra. The sweater slipped off her silky shoulders and onto the bed in a pile. She never broke her gaze from my eyes, like I had her mesmerized; in a trance. Bella's skin was a creamy peach and no longer tan like she was when she first got here, and I liked it so much better.

Her fingers twisted the little silver clasp in the center of the bra, and her fucking tits popped out with a little bounce. My breath hitched while I continued to caress myself and I whispered, "God you are so fucking beautiful."

She smiled shyly, almost reverently taking the words in. My wrist was fucking killing me but I continued to jerk it faster and faster, moving my free hand to cup and squeeze my balls in my palm.

At that point I had not an ounce of pride left and I was just going to do whatever it took to finish the job. Bella's fingertips swept the skin of her beautiful breasts delicately in a circular motion, her thumbs dragging over her nipples once. The sight of that brought me over the edge and before she could even really touch herself further, my torso jerked up slightly as the upsurge became so fucking unbelievably intense I could have screamed in sweet agony. Letting out a massive, guttural groan instead, I came furiously into my hand in five of six quick bursts.

I couldn't even look at her face, knowing the shame I felt for not only doing this in front of her but getting her to participate. I grabbed the damp towel, wiping myself off, figuring she was the one who asked to see it and I didn't force her to do anything she didn't want to. It was stupid to feel embarrassed.

"Can you grab my clothes over on the couch please?" I asked, as I finished shamelessly wiping up. She turned, gathering up my stuff and handed it to me. She was still topless, with her front opening bra hanging on her arms.

She moved to close the bra, but I said bravely, "Would you leave it just like that for a few minutes for me?" It was a brainless move because having her all exposed like that was just too fucking tempting not to touch. She nodded, sitting on the couch, as she leaned back into the armrest. She was so goddamn sexy it was a crime not to be able to fully enjoy all of her.

"That was…" Bella inhaled and exhaled in one big breath, "awesome, E." She folded her hands in her lap.

"Yeah?" I asked, feeling a little cocky and suddenly causal and nonchalant about the whole thing. "You liked watching me?" I asked, pulling on first my underwear and then my jeans.

_She's my girl, she saw my cock, she watched me jerk off._

_And she liked it. _

"Yes." She waved her hand over the area between my tattoo and the piercing. "This…is just …" She moaned a little, biting her lip, and then dragged her nails over her thighs again indicating that she was still wound up. I was the only one who had gotten off, so why wouldn't she still be? I was so fucking selfish.

"Bella, I understand if you need to leave to…go…take care of things yourself." She rolled her eyes and shook her head at my suggestion. I handed her the sweater, which she took gingerly, and placed it in her lap. Then, dropping to my knees in front of her, I placed my hands on the leather on either side of her legs. I fucking loved being so close to her, though it was the worst kind of torture.

"Maybe some day, you'll want to…watch me too?" Bella's shoulders sort of pulled together in a shy shrug as her eyes met mine. I blinked at her a few times, trying to thoroughly absorb what she said.

"Fuck. Bella. You…would do that…for me?" Bella shook her head slowly, letting a wry smile creep over her mouth. I chuckled out loud, thinking how fucking perfect it was that my girl was not only horny, but kinky as well.

"But maybe next week or something, because right now…isn't a good time." I nodded, wondering what she could have planned for the day that was more important than getting off before I realized that probably meant she had her period. I shamelessly watched her slip her sweater back on, smiling the whole time at her lack of shyness. She was so much cooler than I ever thought possible.

"Do you have any idea how fucking gorgeous your tits are. I mean, they are fucking perfect tits. Perfect."

_Should I have called them boobs? She referred to them as boobs, was tits too vulgar?_

Her eyes widened as she averted her gaze to her hands and then looked up sheepishly through those long lashes.

"Thank you," she whispered smiling, though I wasn't sure if she was flattered or embarrassed.

I sat on the couch opposite her for a few minutes as we talked openly about what had just happened. Bella explained that she was just really curious about sex and that seeing me do that was fascinating, and beautiful and not at all disgusting. She also let me know that she was pretty open about sex in general, and didn't get easily embarrassed by talking about it with the girls.

I asked her if she had ever seen any porn, which she said she did, but only on Cable. I thought that was good, because the stuff on late night television was soft core and depicted the couples with a lot more affection and love. The real shit was aggressive and graphic and if you had never experienced any type of physical intimacy with anyone else, it could definitely come off as scary. I didn't want her to be exposed to that, thinking that was what sex was really like, even though it was depicted realistically for the most part.

We stared longingly at each other for a while, feeling giddy and weirded out in a good way about the step forward we had taken. Then she said she was starving, and the two of us went back to her house, where she reheated the soup and sandwiches and we ate.

Actually, she ate. I scarfed my food down so quickly that she barely had a bite in her sandwich before I was done and eyeing her pantry for Oreos.

She looked at me in mid chew with her eyes wide. "Did you even eat at all today?"

"Yeah, but…cumming makes me hungry," I responded, shrugging my shoulders. I suddenly felt so much more relaxed around her, especially since I used the word, "cumming" without even thinking about it. That opened the flood gates because from then on, the sex talk was free and flowing steadily between the two of us.

She laughed, muttering, "Okay. I'll have to remember that."

The rest of the week was just good, I mean really fucking good. The staring and whispering and shit died down to nothing at school, even though Bella and I were together ever minute that we could be. No one really fucking cared about it after a while, I guess.

By Tuesday, I still hadn't spoken to Jasper, except for me muttering, "What's up?" in the kitchen that morning, which he ignored like a fucking stubborn little baby.

_Whatfuckingever._

Bella had made an appointment with my dad at his office to have her stitches removed, so we drove into Port Angeles together after school. I actually needed to get weed from my guy there, but I didn't dare do such a thing with Bella in the car, so I knew I would have to make the trip another day. I was running low and I wondered how much Jazz had left in his stash.

She asked if afterward we could go to the mall to check out Halloween costumes for Tyler's party when we were both finished with our respective appointments. The party was three weeks away, and it was all everyone had been talking about, as if it were the highlight of everyone's year. It was sad really. In such a small town, where nothing ever happens, the smallest, most trivial things were the cause of extreme excitement and anticipation.

Tyler had one the previous year before we had moved to Forks. Apparently, the talk was that he had this huge ass basement and his parents were all into the holiday like it was a religion or some shit. They went way out with the decorations, and they even turned their shed into a hunted house with fog and shit. It sounded pretty fucking cool.

I knew Rose and Em were going dressed as a couple, but I didn't know if Bella would be into that at all. I really didn't like to dress up, to be honest, not since I was a kid anyway. I felt like it was corny and dumb, but she seemed so excited about it, I couldn't tell her otherwise. The last thing I wanted was to be her killjoy boyfriend.

I stopped for gas and cigarettes before we headed into Port Angeles. On the drive Bella was throwing out a ton of random costume ideas, none of which I really was enthusiastic about. I was listening, or trying to, but somehow I always seemed to get distracted by something, whether it be her lips, or her cleavage, or the way her legs looked in a skirt. I especially liked those long ass socks she liked to wear. They reminded me of thigh high stockings, the ones with the garter belt things and the lace. If I had any sort of luck on my side I would get to see her in those in real life someday, not just in my fantasies.

I shook my head to rid the imagery, and just said, "Let's go as a couple, something together." She smiled wide and beamed, clapping her hands excitedly before going through a verbal list of couple's costumes. I figured it would make her happy and I didn't care really.

"How bout bacon and eggs? Bonnie and Clyde? Bert and Ernie? Colonel Sanders and his chicken?"

"You would go to a party dressed as a chicken?" I eyed her skeptically as she shrugged chuckling. "B, I honestly don't care what you put me in, just don't make me look stupid…or gay. Like, I'm not going dressed in tights or anything….or in drag. And I'm not wearing fucking makeup on my face or any kind of hat…or stupid shoes. And I want to be comfortable."

She grumbled something under her breath. "What about a pilot and a stewardess, or a doctor and a nurse?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Nah…nothing too sexy. I can't walk around with a raging hard on all fucking night and not do a goddamn thing about it." The last thing I needed was to have her parading in one of those slutty costumes and dealing with half of Forks high school eyefucking her while I had to stand a foot away from her forced to watch.

"Shit E, you are awfully irritable today," she huffed, sulking in her seat. I looked over at her, as she sat staring out the window with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Sorry, B, but I don't really like going to therapy and it puts me in a bad mood. She's going to make me talk about the shit with Jasper and…I don't mean to take it out on you." She continued to scowl, not looking at me. Bella had been badgering me to start a conversation with him to make amends, but I just couldn't. "Wanna get ice cream after we look for costumes? Would a new pair of shoes make you feel better?" Her expression softened, a smile breaking through.

"You owe me for your crankiness."

"Owe you? What does that mean, I owe you? What do you want?" I asked, even though I was so wrapped around her little finger that I would give her anything she asked for, I really would.

"Hmmm." She tapped her index finger against her lips. "Three kisses should do it." I looked at her with my eyebrows furrowed, confused as all hell. She rolled her eyes and rummaged through her bag for the hamburger pad. "Here." She scribbled on the paper before tearing it off. "It's an IOU. I will redeem it when the time comes."

"Oh, so what…you're running a tab?" I smirked at her.

"Yup…but I think I'll save them all up because, like ten kisses can equate to a sexual favor. So if you get enough IOU's I can get anything I want from you…" she raised her eyebrows suggestively, effectively causing my junk to harden in my pants.

"Yeah, well then the same goes for me. You better be on your best behavior or you'll be spending a hell of a lot of time on your knees."

I pulled into the newly constructed brick faced building that was my father's office. He shared his practice with an ENT, a pediatrician and an OBGYN. It was quite the set up they had going, sort of a one stop shop, if you will. All they needed was a cosmetic surgeon, and they would be golden.

I ushered Bella inside the enormous, modern office, greeting the receptionist before I whispered to Bella that I would return for her in an hour. There were a few quaint shops along the strip, which I knew she was eyeing on the way in, so I told her to call if she finished early or if she needed me and I would cut my session short.

My father came out to say hello, all the nurses making a big fucking fuss over the novelty of me and Bella. I was embarrassed and it was really goddamn stupid. I hated leaving her there with all that hoopla, but I really did have to go.

When I entered Dr. Kate's office a few minutes late, I removed my coat, hung it over the chair and sat in my usual spot. Things began as usual, with Dr. Kate cheerful and smiling while hovering her pen over that legal pad of hers, waiting for me to spill my weekly escapades. She reviewed her notes from the previous session, which were mostly on Jasper and what happened with him regarding Bella and our issues.

I thought that maybe she could have done a better job of hiding her disappointment when I informed her of my lack of communication with my brother, but she clearly was not happy after the ideas and brainstorming of information she thought we came to an agreement upon in the last session. I had said hello to him once, and he ignored me.

In an effort to redirect the topic of conversation, I gave her the rundown of what was going on with Bella, all except for our afternoon with the soup and lube. She did not need to know any of that. The whole story, from start to finish took the entire fifty minutes, and the session was over before I knew it. I had done the majority of the talking, just retelling the things that were going on in our newly formed relationship. She wrote like a lunatic, scribbling furiously and hardly pausing to even make eye contact, which I personally, had gotten much better at.

She asked if I found it difficult to maintain the not touching rule, and I was honest, telling her yes, but we were both doing a fucking outstanding job of showing each other affection and whatnot without the use of physical contact. She was slightly concerned that I was buying Bella so many gifts, and she made a point to inform me that I could get the same message across by doing things that did not cost money. I really didn't understand the point of that, but whatever, she was the one with the university degrees and I was just some stupid, fucked up kid, so who was I to argue?

At the end of the session, she pulled open her file drawer, rifling through it before handing me a pink sheet of paper.

I glanced at the heading in bold. _**101 Romantic Things to Do With Your Sweetheart**_.

"This might come in handy. You won't be able to do everything on that list, but I think it's a good resource and something you may want to refer to if the two of you get desperate for ideas. Have a great week, Edward."

After I thanked her, I said goodbye, feeling for the first time in a long time like the therapy was starting to feel worthwhile. I mean, I wasn't there because I thought I had anything wrong with me- I was there because it was mandated, but I wasn't too arrogant to realize that I did have underlying personality issues that could stand to be worked on.

When I called Bella, she was at a little clothing boutique down the street from the doctor's office. I met her inside; soaking in the beaming smile she immediately rewarded my presence with like a sponge.

"Hey, Beautiful," I whispered into her ear from behind, as she slid a few twenties across the glass counter.

She shivered, replying in a breathy voice, "Hey, Hotness." Bella unconsciously pressed her hips into the glass display case in front of her. The young sales girl behind the register shot us an embarrassed smirk. To anyone else we were fucking like wild animals behind closed doors. It was a sad, sad reality.

I took her purchases from her and examined the barely noticeable scar on her outstretched hand that she proudly displayed like a war wound.

My father hardly left any signs of sutures, and it just looked like the top wrinkle in her palm was more prominent than the others. I knew from years of experience from my mother's random palm readings that the top line was her heartline, the indication of her future love life. Internally, I wondered if having the alteration to that part of her hand would influence the outcome of what the original, unaltered heart line's fate had intended for her. Not that any of that crap was even true, but you never knew.

When we got to the car, she pulled out a sparkly pink top, holding it against her chest, all proud that she bought it on sale. When she presented a pair of matching pink high heeled stiletto shoes, I almost choked, imagining her wearing that outfit. I told her we had to go somewhere appropriate for that, and I knew just the place.

She was giddy after her shopping high and I just laughed at her, enjoying her happiness. I liked that she was so girly and feminine, and she didn't put up a front about it. I also liked that she was always so happy, or so it appeared that way, and she didn't let much of anything faze her. Unlike me on the other hand, who was always irritated or pissed or annoyed about something. I would have to make it a point to pay more attention to that and try not to be such a fucking whiny punk.

We stopped at the mall, browsing the costumes, but the selection was limited and there was nothing either of us found particularly appealing. We abandoned the search and ate Mexican instead.

So much for that excursion. It was probably our best bet to head into Seattle for anything of real quality in the way of costumes. On the way home, Bella spotted the folded pink paper from Dr. Kate stuck between the seat and the center console.

She unfolded the sheet, her eyes scanning the length of it. "Hey where did you get this?"

"Dr. Kate said it might help if we need ideas or we get desperate," I answered, regurgitating my shrink's words. "She's very supportive of…us." I smiled, feeling like a fucking tool for getting excited over the fact that there _was_ an 'us'.

She asked, "Did you look at it yet?" I shook my head no. "It's got some great stuff here, but a lot of it we can't do because it involves touching. Some of it is sort of stupid too. Like…number 74._ Call your girlfriend from your vacation spot to tell her you were thinking of her_. Seriously, I would just be pissed that I wasn't there with you and you were calling me to rub it in my face that you were in the tropics or something and I was stuck in this rain hole and then I would totally obsess with why I wasn't invited on your vacation and that would just suck."

"Okay, so no to number 74," I chuckled softly. "What's a good one?"

"Ummm…number 1 is _Watch the sunset together_. I like that. Number 8 is _Cook for each other_…we both know how that turned out last time," she giggled and rolled her eyes. "Oooh, 22, _Find a nice secluded place to lie and watch the stars_…that's nice, we should definitely do that." I nodded in agreement, veering off the exit ramp toward the highway.

"Keep going."

"Ummm…29. _Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight_. 31._ Write poetry for each other."_

"Nuh uh…I hate the sand and poetry is not going to happen. The shit that I write will make you cringe…Bella, Bella, I like the way you smella. Really glad I could be your fella."

She wrinkled her nose. "That was absolutely terrible, don't ever recite one your poems to me ever, ever again."

"Roses are red…" I teased.

She waved a finger at me. "That's it! I'm charging you three more kisses." She pulled out the slip from my pristine unused cup holder, scribbling out the three and writing six in its place. Then she waved it in my face.

"Oh, like it's such a huge sacrifice to owe you kisses and sexual favors," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. In a tiny pleading voice I chuckled, "Don't punish me...please don't make me kiss Bella or do pervy things to her."

She clicked her tongue, ignoring me. "Number 41. _Talk to each other using only body language and your eyes._ Yeah, that's all we do already. Okay, 100. _Stand up for him when someone talks trash." _She nodded vehemently at the already accomplished task while I laughed at her enthusiasm.

"78. _Tell each other your most sacred secrets._ Been there…done that. How about number 36? _Tell her that she's the only girl you'll ever want and don't lie_." She grinned at me widely, turning in her seat to face me.

"That's too easy. Bella, my sweet, you are the only girl I have ever wanted and will ever want again. You are my heart and soul. That is a fact." I looked at her briefly before turning my gaze back to the road. Her head was cocked to the side, all nostalgic and shit.

"Really Edward? You mean that?" She blinked a few time, and I swear she was getting teary eyes.

"Hell yes, I mean that. You make me stupid happy, and you are all I think about. It's kind of pathetic, really," I teased, rolling my eyes. It was all true, every single word. I probably should have felt awkward about being so open with her like that, but since the day she caught me in my room, there was no awkward left. We were open, honest and tried to be very candid with each other with everything, even sex. It felt good to not have to hide anything.

She leaned her face against the seat, looking at me. "I feel the same way. You make me smile even when I'm not thinking of anything funny. And when I see you, I feel like… happy and tingly and stuff. Is that weird?"

"No, it's not weird, because I feel like that too. You know your face lights up when you see me. You have no idea how…fucking great that makes me feel." That was the best part of my day, seeing her face when I approached. She was genuinely delighted to see me and I wondered if it had always been that way or if it was just recent.

Bella smiled shyly, looking down at the list again. I wanted to hold her hand or run my fingers along her arm or something to show her how much she meant to me. All in due time, I thought, feeling as gloomy about that as the weather. The mist that was covering the windshield turned into a sudden downpour, blurring the roads in sheets of water.

"Hey Edward, can we do number 17?"

"Of course," I replied, not even knowing what the hell 17 was. I turned on the wipers full speed and released the gas pedal to slow down. "What's number 17?"

She giggled, turning back toward me. "Sit and talk in just underwear."

"We can do that sure, but it might be risky. I'm not sure you can control yourself around my gorgeous biceps." I winked, snickering.

She shrugged her shoulders rolling her eyes emphatically. "Into yourself much? Oh, oh ! Number 20 is my absolute favorite. _Find out her favorite perfume and use it to masturbate with_."

I reached over, sliding the paper from between her fingers. "It doesn't say that." She erupted into a fit of giggles and proceeded to outline the list of things she had full intention of doing once we could finally be together. 2. _Take showers together_. 81. _Act out mutual fantasies together_. 99. _Sleep naked together_.

I loved them all and was eager to cross off all those numbers from the list. But my favorite of all of them was number 24. _Kiss at every chance you get_. Because even with all the sexual stuff listed, the first thing I wanted to do, the thing I craved most above everything else, was to kiss my beautiful girl on her full, soft lips. I couldn't fucking wait to have her kiss me back.

~%~

It was Thursday. Bella announced that she was joining the yearbook club, after Angela enticed her with the promise of full veto of any god-awful pictures of her entering the book if she joined. After what Bella had been through in the last year regarding picture taking, she was all too eager to have a preview.

I think Bella also really needed the time to be with girls bonding and shit, and as much as I missed her, I figured I should probably start hanging out with the guys more often too. I drove into Port Angeles to my weed guy, bought enough to last at least a month, and headed back home. It was just starting to get dark, and the air had a definite chill present that wasn't there a few days ago. It was going to be a long fucking winter.

I spotted the basketball nestled in the corner of the garage doors when I pulled into the driveway. No one was home inside, and I didn't feel like going into an empty house. I slapped the ball against the pavement a few times, walking out toward the street where the net was mounted. I threw it forward, jumping up as the ball propelled into the backboard. It rebounded off the plastic with a smack and then a vibrating sound, back into my awaiting hands.

I was feeling fucking depressed and I didn't know exactly why. Maybe it was the fact that I missed Bella's company? Maybe it was that there was no one home inside and the house was cold and dark? Maybe it was the lack of communication between Jasper and me, all that animosity lurking and hovering over my subconscious.

I threw another basket, finally getting it inside. A car turned onto the road, and I recognized the headlights with just a cursory glance.

Jasper drove by me slowly, pulling into the paved driveway parking next to my car. The purr of his engine and the blaring music cut abruptly when Jasper emerged from his car. I didn't look at him, just bounced the ball a few times before I threw it again. I missed.

In my periphery, I saw him walk toward the house, halting at the front steps and turn. His hand slid into his pocket as he watched me, I suppose maybe he was waiting on me to initiate some dialogue, to make the first move. He tentatively stepped forward a few yards, looking like he might want to speak.

I tossed him the ball.

Startled, he caught it, stuffing his keys in his pocket, and loped toward me slowly with his long denim covered legs.

"I saw J.B. today. You need?" I said, as he bounced the ball in my direction.

His eyebrows raised in surprise. "Uh, yeah. You got enough for me?" he asked sounding hopeful, before tossing the ball into the basket. It spun on the rim, slipped through the net and bounced back into the street.

"Of course. Don't I always?" I smirked, catching the ball as it bounced backward.

"Yeah, you do. Thanks…Bro." He turned to me with the ball frozen and pressed into in his gut, his lips mashed together. "Listen E… I uh…I know I have some shit to work out, and I'm trying to, you know, not be such a dick. I'm fucking real sorry about everything."

I exhaled, surprised at his admission and nodded. "Yeah me too. I …I didn't mean what I said about Em. She loved you and you were good to her. And I am so fucking sorry for…"

Jasper cut me off, before I could apologize yet again for breaking them up. "I don't blame you for that," he said softly. "It wasn't your fault. And just so you know, I only kissed Bella because she was upset and she was crying and I didn't know what else to do. I don't feel that way about her at all, it's just…she reminded me so much of Emily, that I …" he trailed off, looking down at the street.

"Bella loves you, E. I can see it in her eyes, she fucking lights up just when your name is mentioned." Jasper laughed, a sound which was like being welcomed home after a long, long trip away. I really fucking missed him.

I sort of looked down embarrassed, shuffling my feet. "Yeah, I'm pretty crazy about her too."

"So things are cool then with you guys?" Jasper spun the ball on the tip of his pointer finger. When we were kids, I used to be so jealous that he could do that so well and I couldn't. I think my fingers were just too damn long.

"Real good," I replied, shoving both hands in my jean pockets. "We're trying to figure out the not touching each other shit, which sucks like a motherfucker by the way, but yeah, we're doing okay."

Jasper nodded, smiling a genuine- seriously happy for me- smile. "So listen, there's this fall festival thing in Sequim this weekend and I was thinking of asking Alice to go. Girls like that shit, right? You think you and Bella might want to join?"

"_Alice?_ Who the fuck is _Alice_?" I smirked, teasing him about suddenly losing the Xanax title, and acknowledging for once that she did have a real name. "Yeah, I'll ask B."

"Alright, cool. I think if Bella goes, Alice will be more likely to say yes. I'm not her favorite person right now, but I like her. And I uh…I sort of missed hanging out with _your_ pansy ass." He smirked, tossing the ball into the net again.

"Pansy?" I raised an eyebrow, challenging him. "How's your mouth there, buddy?"

He smirked, all cocky and shit. "Fucking perfect. Your eye?"

"Never better." I pursed my lips, holding back a smile.

"So you wanna smoke?"

"Fuck yeah, but let's order a pizza too, before Mom gets home and makes us eat those shitty garden burger things." I pulled out my phone, scrolling through the address book as we headed to the back yard walking side by side toward the tree house.

"She's gonna put alfalfa sprouts on them again, isn't she?" Jazz asked, taking the bag of weed from my outstretched hand.

"Alfalfa sprouts, poison ivy, doesn't really make much difference. The taste stays in your mouth for a fucking week." We laughed together, things back to normal, and right between us finally.

Jasper tossed the ball haphazardly into the yard, where it rolled next to a tree, wedging itself between the uplifted roots waiting for the next time its owners required mediation. Hopefully, the issue had been lain to rest, for now at least.

**~%~  
**


	16. Chapter 16 Sweet Dreams

**Thank you to everyone who had been reading and reviewing.**

**Thanks to Suzy for making this better than I could ever do on my own and to Becca for proofing. **

**BTW, there is an outtake from Jasper's Pov on the night he kissed Bella. You get a glimpse of who he really is, and that he isn't such a huge douche. Check my profile for outtakes.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 16~ Sweet Dreams**

**I mention you when I say my prayers  
I wrap you around, around all of my thoughts  
Boy you're my temporary high  
I wish that when I wake up you're there  
To wrap your arms around me for real  
And tell me you'll stay by side  
Clouds filled with stars cover the skies  
And I hope it rains  
You're the perfect lullaby  
What kind of dream is this  
You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare  
Either way I, don't wanna wake up from you  
Beyonce~ Sweet Dreams**

**~Bella~**

"So listen, all you need to do is take pictures of school activities and sports events, and of course, candid shots of random stuff. It's really a lot of fun, and we only meet once a week on Thursdays until four and I know one of you has to have a camera. Please, please, please?" Angela was begging, her fingers laced together shamelessly pleading for any of our voluntary services for the yearbook club. "And you can veto all the horrible half closed eyed pictures of you and guarantee only the most flattering will go in the book." Her usually sweet voice was extra sugar coated this afternoon.

That statement piqued my interest, but not enough to draw my attention away from the show that was currently owning the majority of my focus.

"Don't look at me Ang, I would love to help but I have to work on Thursdays." Alice seemed genuinely remorseful in her rejection. I really wished she didn't have to work so much but I understood her reasons. I gave a tremendous amount of respect to Alice and her mom a lot for being on her own. I knew they both worked so hard to make ends meet while saving for Alice's future college expenses. That made me want to give her more since she genuinely deserved it and never expected anything from anyone.

Rosalie bit into a pickle with an obscene sloshy crunching sound that reminded me of a sloppy kiss or what oral sex might sound like. "Sorry Babe… Volleyball." Her words were garbled, all full of pickle.

I glanced at her briefly with disgust, before peering across the table back at Edward, who was trying to be discreet about cutting a pizza bagel with a knife and fork.

"Bella? Please?"

_Angela again. Like a fucking mosquito.__ Where's the FUCK OFF spray when I needed it?_

_Can't I just gape shamelessly at my man in peace dammit?_

I groaned loudly, finally relenting. I had been on the Yearbook committee at my old school before all the drama occurred and I had a blast, truthfully. The staff was also invited to things like upperclassman's functions, and we were excused from class for pep rallies and assemblies just to take photos. I loved taking pictures… well, I used to anyway. I wondered if Edward would join with me. He mentioned to me that he used to belong to all sorts of clubs at his old school, but I wondered if he realized that he would need this stuff on his transcripts for college.

_Me and E in the dark room…closed in…tight quarters ...developing pictures..._

_Oh forget it…everything is digital now, remember?_

"Fine," I replied curtly, not breaking my gaze from Edward's fine specimen of smoking hot boy in designer clothes. He narrowed his eyes and smirked at me, while shoving a bite of pizza into his mouth. Watching him chew was like viewing porn. The line of his jaw, all clean shaven and taught, pulsing as his teeth gnashed inside. I felt a little tingle in my lower belly, heat concentrating right between my thighs. I sighed aloud, crossing my legs as I tried to bat away images of Edward lying naked in his bed, with his hand wrapped around his stuff.

Once he licked his lips suggestively, I lowered my gaze at the table, snickering at his devious ways. A slight shiver ran up my spine, and I heard him chuckle when he saw my shoulders tremble.

_Damn him._

Four days ago, at his house when I had discovered him involved hands deep in self-stimulatory activities; our relationship had since been elevated to a completely new level. That afternoon, the sole reason I all too willingly allowed him visual access to my boobs when he asked, was because I thought it only right and fair. After all, I was given privilege to witness a very personal moment between he and his right hand. You know an eye for an eye and all that shit. However, I guess in this case it would be a peen for a boob. _Semantics._

Initially I was a bit annoyed and rather shocked at the whole thing. But soon sheer fascination and curiosity overtook the astonishment at the stunning sight of his naked body and his ginormous peen incased in his long slim fingers. He was…beautiful and fucking sexy as hell.

While he continued to touch himself without seeming to have further indignity over my presence, I was somewhat flattered that he would feel comfortable enough to allow me to bear witness to his sordid private activities. When I had caught him, I knew he was beyond mortified, but it seemed as my curiosity and acceptance grew, his embarrassment abated into just…primal lust of a teenage boy.

He was so unbelievably handsome, with his face all flushed and slightly sweaty while he watched me with hooded lids as I touched myself at his instruction. His voice was husky and sexy and at that moment I'm sure I would have done anything he asked of me...sexual or otherwise. Now I completely understood how Bonnie never turned down Clyde.

That was a monumental first. I had never done such a thing in front of anyone else before. Alone, yes, plenty of times… my hands were my boobie's best friends at the moment, but in front of Edward…that was…well, I honestly have no words. I would be lying if I said it didn't turn me on.

Nevertheless, since that day, things had rather heated up. There were lots of sexual innuendos and of course my little notes to him in Bio. He would write that he was doing something sweet to me, like kissing my neck, or rubbing his hand on my knee and I would respond with something vulgar and obscene.

Yesterday, he scrawled in my hamburger pad, _I just tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. _

I replied before sliding it back to him, _I am bent over the lab stool…and I forgot to put on panties today…OOPS!_

He growled at me, stalking off to the bathroom in frustration, while I just laughed at him darkly. It was mean, but incredibly fun at the same time. I was behaving like a total tease and had yet to show him the goods, though he had not asked for a peek. I wanted to, I really did…but I was afraid.

I suppose he was waiting for me to initiate it, and truthfully, I was nervous about it. How did one just start touching themselves in front of their boyfriend? Did I just get undressed and do it? Should I shave or wax? I mean, I kept it all neat and trimmed down in the lady zone, but no one ever saw it but me. Did he like "hardwood floors" or a little "carpeting"? Maybe he was into that horrible seventies shag? No, no way in hell… he was very neatly "manscaped" and it made me wonder how long he had been self grooming.

This was going to be an interesting topic to discuss. I wondered if I could just casually bring it up on the notepad of sexy innuendos and wait for a tell tale reaction.

It was something I probably could have asked the girls, but they were in the dark as far as Edward and I were concerned. The last thing I needed was to let them know that my "boyfriend" did not touch me or kiss me, just happily jerked off in front of me, and was patiently waiting for me to reciprocate. Yeah…that was another conversation to look forward to. Shit, I was here almost a month and my sex life had gotten impossibly complicated.

_And nothing had even happened._

With my chin cupped in my hand, I was captivated by Edward currently licking the pizza sauce off his fingers… slowly, sensually, deliberately. I believe it was a way of enticing me into making good on my promise- getting me riled up enough to get naked in front of him. Jasper was engaged in a deep conversation with Ben and Mike at the opposite side of the table, leaving Edward all alone. It bothered me that Edward always seemed so disconnected from everyone else, except Jasper. Now that he and Jasper were at odds, Edward truly was alone.

Jasper occasionally glanced over at Alice, who would discreetly squeeze my leg under the table whenever he did it. I had to give it to her…she was playing it real cool to him, acting all bitchy and indifferent as per Rose's instruction, but exploding on the inside. After school, she would rattle off an exact count of how many times he looked at her, talked to her, or brushed past her, and how many of those she feigned indifference. At this point, she was cold as ice. I wondered if she had some kind of stick tally or something going on the back of her notebook.

Edward was watching me watch him with a playful smirk on his face. I returned the smirk, licking my lips overtly yet demurely, while he chuckled and looked away slightly embarrassed. I didn't realize it, but my whole table was watching me watch him.

"Oh yay! Thanks Bella, we're going to have a blast," Angela beamed next to me, while I gave her a sarcastic thumbs up, not looking away from Edward. She hugged me exuberantly, muttering something about having to take pics of the band practicing in their new uniforms.

"Woo hoo, new band uniforms. Forks fashion week...stop the presses," I heard Rosalie drawl sarcastically. She could be a bitch sometimes.

I didn't particularly care, because my thoughts and my eyes were engaged.

Rose slid her chair uncomfortably close next to mine, while Alice inched closer on my other side. Taking their cue, Angela leaned her torso over the back of my chair. Their heads suddenly were next to mine, three streams of hot pizza bagel breath in my ear.

"What the fuck is going on with you and him?" Rose said, a little too accusingly for my liking. I scowled, rolling my eyes in her direction. E and I had agreed to keep things simple for the time being, not letting anyone know we were a couple…because technically, by teenage standards we were nothing if we weren't fucking…or at least copping feels. If those people only knew we had shared something much more intimate. I had a feeling it was going to get way more involved...

I couldn't find a plausible excuse for the fact that Edward and I did not touch each other, so I decided to leave it alone until absolutely necessary...but these prying bitches would not relent. They had been eyeing me the whole week, talking about me as if I weren't there. I did my best to avoid the subject, distracting them with talk of shoe shopping and Halloween costumes. I had to pull out the big guns at lunch the pervious day…asking what "tea bagging" was, even though I was well aware of the definition. Anything involving peen or balls made them shift gears as if they had been entranced by a shiny new object glittering in front of them. I made a mental note to see if I could find a bedazzled peen to whip out and wave at them whenever they got too nosey.

"Do you think they are fucking? I mean, look at the way he looks at her...like he wants to lick her pussy clean. Look…he's seducing the fuck out of her with a goddamn pizza bagel on a fork right here in the cafeteria."

"Shut it, Rose." I flicked her forehead, causing her to draw back a little, muttering "ouch." It didn't fend her off for long.

"I don't know. I think they are at the stage right before they fuck…so maybe they have done other stuff, but not the actual deed," Angela added matter of factly, as gave a knowing nod. "Bella would definitely have told us about his peen. I bet it's large."

"Oh yeah, his hands are a clear indication of the junk magnitude. But why are they hiding it? I mean obviously they are crazy about each other. Every time I turn around he's up her ass, but always leaving just enough room between them. It's weird. Like they are together, but deliberately hiding it." Alice tapped her fingers on the table, glancing at me expectantly with one eye narrowed for some kind of clarification. I was surrounded by the Twilight Zone version of Forks' Charlie's Angels...trying to solve the case of the mysterious disappearing peen.

Edward noticed that we were all staring at him, and that I was obviously being given the third degree. He stood up uncomfortably, slung his bag over his shoulder and tossed the contents of his tray in the garbage. He exited the cafeteria without looking at me or saying goodbye to anyone.

_Fuck. Now he's pissed…thanks bitches. _

Rose twiddled her finger in Edward's direction. "Bye, bye Edward. You sexy, mysterious monster- peened bastard." She puckered her lips and kissed the air as he disappeared through the doors.

"You do realize that's your boyfriend's brother. You think Em would like you talking shit about Edward's man meat?" I snapped. Rose just rolled her eyes and waved her manicured hand dismissively.

Angela dragged my chair back a foot to scoot her chair in front of me. "You don't hold hands and I've never seen you kiss or anything, yet you guys hang out every day after school. What's up with that?"

Alice gasped. "Oh no! He's got a secret girlfriend back in Chicago, doesn't he? Two timing fucker!"

"Can you guys shut the fuck up, please?" I hissed, glaring at them all. "He does not have another girlfriend, Jeez. Can't you guys take a hint to mind your own business?" I huffed, crossing my arms in front of me.

"What did Emmett say when you asked him about it?" Alice leaned on her elbow, looking past me to direct her question toward Rose. The fact that they were pretending I wasn't even there was not only annoying as hell, but was going to get them all slapped.

Rose let out an exasperated sigh before rolling her eyes. "He said he knew nothing about it and then he started licking my ear trying to distract me."

"Did it work?" Angela's eyes went wide.

"Yeah. He's got one long ass tongue." Rose and Angela's hands slapped together in a dainty high five.

"Oh really?" I asked all wide eyed to feign interest, but not really having any desire to be given a visual of Emmett's tongue talents. Anything to move the topic off of Edward and me."What does he do with that tongue?" At least E didn't have to worry about Em's allegiance. These girls would sing like canaries the first chance they got.

A wry smile crept over Rosalie's face as she leaned forward, ready to divulge some of her sex life details when her eyes suddenly narrowed at me. "Oh…nice try Virgin Mary. I'm not that easily sidetracked. By Em's tongue maybe, but not by _you_."

"Please, Bella? We're your best friends. Tell us what's going on." Alice whined with her bottom lip protruding.

"Alright look." I leaned back in my seat, staring at them all wide eyed and eager to hear any dirt I was willing to dish. I knew this would be difficult, but I wasn't left with a real choice here. I told Edward if it came down to it, I would be forced to tell them the truth, omitting the grittier details. He agreed to whatever made me comfortable, as long as I didn't portray him as a freak or let the girls know the legal aspects of his offence. "It's very complicated. All I can say is that …Edward…is …abstinent." I closed my eyes awaiting the aftermath of that statement.

"Abstinent? Abstinent? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Who does that?" Rose shouted above the noise of the cafeteria. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I should have known better. Jasper glanced over, giving me a weird look.

"Rosalie!" I hissed, "Keep it down! Seriously, don't repeat this to anyone…Edward will kill me if this gets out."

Ever so fast on the pick up, Alice chimed in. "Abstinent? Isn't that the liquor that supposed to be illegal in the United States?" She looked blankly at me awaiting a response. I just shook my head, dropping my forehead in my palm. Somewhere along the line, Rose and Alice's hair color had been switched.

Rose spat, "That's Absinthe, you twatwaffle. Abstinent...as in to abstain…do not _do_... to avoid..." I groaned completely irritated, slamming my hand down on the table. "Fuck Bella. I'm sorry." I stuck my tongue out at her...just because.

_Thank you Mrs. Webster. __Suddenly she's a goddamn English major._

Angela grabbed her camera. What the hell did she need pictures for?

_I can just imagine the caption in the yearbook now. Forks Hottie Not Gay After All! He's Just Abstinent_.

It was more fun thinking he was gay. At least he was getting some that way. They looked at each other incredulously, then back at me whereas they all scowled and rolled their eyes in disbelief.

"That's complete bullshit, Bella. The truth." Rose pointed her red nailed finger at me.

"I'm serious. He's maintaining a vow of abstinence until he turns eighteen. He has like, a strong belief system against um… sexual promiscuity or something…and he wants to wait until he is mature enough to handle a serious sexual relationship." It was such crap, but it was all I had, and the explanation that carried partial semblance to the truth.

"So he's like a fucking hot teenage monk?" Rose did this diva head bobble thing in incredulity before she made the sign of the cross with her fingers. "God save you, Sister Bella..."

I laughed lightly thinking of the irony of it all. "Uh, yeah, I guess he is like a monk."

"What a waste," Angela said dreamily. "He's too hot to be keeping all that to himself. I bet he's got a big peen…" I looked at her in disbelief, while truly itching to confirm Edward's man junk size, but I felt too protective of him to reveal such personal things about him. In fact, I was dying to reveal to the girls what had happened with Edward and I, just to share my enthusiasm.

Alice rose up off her chair completely irritated. She grabbed her tray, leaned over to me and whispered, "Liar." Then she kissed my cheek sweetly, and left. Rose followed soon after, as did Angela. I sat in the cafeteria for a few minutes until the bell rang, staring at Jasper, who was giving me questioning glances.

I packed my belongings up, and headed out the double doors to the hallway where Edward was leaning against the wall waiting for me. He pushed off the wall with his legs, meeting me at my side. As we walked to Bio, I noticed his clothes bore a strong odor of freshly smoked tobacco.

"So what did you say?" he asked with a tad of snippiness in his tone, obviously already aware of what they were asking.

I looked down at my feet smirking, hoping he wouldn't be mad. "I told them you were against promiscuity and that you were abstinent and um… like a monk."

He sighed. "Fantastic. I want to be monk for Halloween."

I laughed, thankful he wasn't upset. "That was pretty shady, by the way, trying to seduce me with a pizza bagel."

He chuckled lightly. "Sorry. I can't seem to think about anything else when you're around. How many kisses did that cost me anyway?

I put my finger to my chin in mock thought. "I had to charge you ten for that little stunt."

"How many are we at now?" Edward shifted his body to avoid a group of chatty kick liners in his way.

"Like seventeen, I think." He nodded, pursing his lips. "Well, good. I've charged you forty for the naughty fucking notes you send me."

"Forty?"

"Forty," he confirmed. "That's like, three blowjobs and a hummer."

"Edward, I don't even know what a hummer is."

"Trust me…I'll teach you when the time comes."

By the end of gym, Angela was dragging me toward the art room where yearbook staff communed. There were only six people in attendance, which I why I gathered Angela was so eager to recruit new blood. The meeting was fairly interesting, though it got less appealing when I received a text from Edward saying he was lonely and he missed me. It warmed my insides, filling me with that fluttery feeling that I couldn't get enough of.

The advisor handed out the week's photo assignments, and reminded everyone to write out a caption for the mounted photos on the mock up. After she finished talking, I took a look at the boards where some of the layouts were presented. They were mostly black and white photos, cropped and angled in a whimsical fashion. Angela tapped me on the shoulder, handing me a picture.

"Oh, wow," I gasped, looking at the photo clutched in my fingers. "He looks like James Dean." It was of black and white profile shot of Edward, sitting on one of the outdoor picnic tables. He had on a black t-shirt, jeans and Converse sneakers, footwear which I had never seen him wear before. His leather biker jacket neatly folded beside him on the table. In one hand was a lit cigarette, the smoke wafting up from the burning end in broken spirals all around his face. He looked so fucking sad and distant it literally hurt my heart to see his lonely, solemn expression, void of any emotion other than pain. It was beautiful and horrible at the same time.

"It's a great shot right? We can't use it because he's smoking, so you can have it if you want it." I nodded thanking her, as I slipped it in my bag safely between two notebook pages. "I took it on the first day of school, before you moved back here."

Despite the forlorn expression o Edward's face, something about hearing those words made me soar. Because I knew, that he did not look like that anymore. And I was arrogant if not confident enough to realize that it was because of me that he smiled now.

We finished up with the meeting and Angela and I walked together to the parking lot, along with two senior girls from the staff. It was after four, and almost as dark as if it were late in the evening. While we chatted outside in the parking lot, out of nowhere, deep gray storm clouds rolled above our heads, darting in and out of each other in angry tumbles. The wind picked up in a burst of air, bathing us all in wet leaves and debris, as the four of us shrieked.

I ran to my car with a quick wave to the girls, turning on the heat full blast once I was settled into my seatbelt. I made a quick stop to the grocery store for some much needed basics and headed home just as it began to downpour. My house was cold and dark, sounds echoing eerily as I entered the kitchen sopping wet and dirty from the wind.

The first thing I wanted to do was call Edward, to hear his voice which I knew would make me warm on the inside and out. I had wondered if he had eaten and hoped he didn't so I could cook him something. I stood with my phone in my hand debating whether to call, but I didn't want to appear too eager. I mean, he could see out his front window that I had just pulled in, and if he wanted to talk to me then he would call himself.

After I put away the groceries, I slipped the picture from my bag, tracing my fingers over his silhouette and gazing at it reverently for a while. How was it possible or even remotely fair that one person could be so beautiful? And that person would want me in his life… I smiled at the thought of how lucky I was to have him, when a sudden down pouring shift in the rain on the roof startled me out of my musings.

I took a long shower, basking in the warmth of the water and the feel of the soap on my skin and shampoo in my hair. I dried off, running a brush through my damp hair and wrapping it in a stringy bun on top of my head. I grabbed a pair of underwear and my white satin robe, tossing the wet load of laundry I did that morning into the dryer. While I waited, I headed downstairs to see if I could find a frame for the picture of Edward which I had left out on my unmade bed.

As I took the stairs to the basement, I was internally scolding myself for not putting on socks, because the random dirt and stuff that was on the stairs was sticking to my clean feet and it was disgusting. Once I got to the bottom, I shivered as the damp air seeped through the thin fabric of my robe and wrapped my bare toes in the chill of the concrete floor. I looked around laughing at the irrational fear of the basement that still resounded from when I was a little girl. I hated that damn basement and I was immensely relieved upon moving back, that my father had the good sense to relocate the washer and dryer up to the second floor.

I took a quick look around at the immense piles of crap Charlie had accumulated over the years. It seemed that during the renovation, he simply stuffed things in boxes and onto shelves in no particular order forming a maze of forgotten memories, quite possibly in an effort to put my mother's memory of sight as quickly as possible. That was so sad to me… his old life no longer wanting to be remembered.

I grinned at the shelves lined with old toys and games, neatly stacked in plies that my mother had made as I outgrew the various items. When I spotted the box with _Operation_ printed on the front, I reached up on my tiptoes to pull it down, narrowly avoiding a _Cootie, Don't Break the Ice_ and _Ants in the Pants_ game piece avalanche. After I checked that all the necessary Operation pieces were still in the box, I placed it on the stairs and made my way back through the mess, squeezing my body into narrow aisles.

I found a box labeled _pictures,_ the black handwritten ink clearly not Charlie's. I wondered briefly if the writing belonged to Esme or to Maggie. In the box were all the photos that used to be on the living room mantle, still in their frames, dusty and aged. Dad kept only my most recent school picture there now, one of him and Maggie, and a great shot of he and I together when I was four. I tried to find it in me to resent the absence of _my_ family photos from their rightful spot on the wooden ledge, but couldn't as I realized, it was Charlie's house now, and his family was just me and Maggie.

I rifled through the pictures, feeling nostalgic and forlorn, missing my mom, and then my dad, and then my mom and dad together. I wished I would have enjoyed them more when they were still a couple, appreciating the things we did as a family; trips and outings, and just time hanging out doing nothing. Of course, when I was little I couldn't have predicted that there would be a day they wouldn't be together and that our happy little family would have dissolved into …this.

After searching through another box, I still hadn't found the old photo of the three of us together that I was desperately searching for. It was always my favorite and I wanted to find it and keep it in my room, which was in great need of the addition of some more personal items. In the photo I was little, probably no older than two years old, wearing a white party dress with my fine hair all in curls and tiny white teeth grinning at the camera. I was in my father's lap, my mom ducking down next to us and my parents were happy...genuinely happy to be there together.

As I shuffled through yet another box of pictures, I found a perfect silver frame for Edward's photo. I tucked it under my arm, as I fruitlessly continued to look for the family picture.

Sorting through haphazard piles, I watched the light in my mother's eyes and the glow on her face slowly dimming as the years went on. Her hairstyle changed constantly as did her trendy clothes, but the little smile that reached her eyes eventually faded until she was clearly faking it just for the sake of the camera. I never noticed it before how disjointed she had become from Charlie.

I sighed aloud, feeling cold, hungry, and very, very lonely. I very much wanted to see Edward, to hold him and feel his warmth against me and the crush of his strong arms around my body. Knowing it wouldn't happen, made me even sadder. A sudden bolt of lightening illuminated the basement in a bright burst of silvery blue. Then an ear piercing crash of thunder followed by gritty rumbling sound made me scream aloud.

Irrationally frightened, and my heart beating out of my chest, I made my way toward the staircase. I paused, as I noticed one more box on the top of the old wooden bookshelf nestled in the corner across from the stair landing. Still hell-bent on finding that one photo, I stood on my tiptoes again, pulling at the box, but it was too heavy to haul down. Hesitantly, I climbed onto the lowest shelf to hoist myself higher, just enough that I could access the box better.

Without warning, my bare foot slipped off the bottom and I grabbed hold of the top shelf with my fingers wrapped around the worn wood. Just as I regained my bearings enough to step down, the entire shelf came teetering forward under my weight. I screamed for my life as the wood toppled over while I crouched on the ground covering my head with my arms waiting to be crushed. Dust and debris fell all around me, and something landed on my shoulder with a thud. It hurt like hell. There was the sound of wood colliding with sheetrock, glass shattering and something tinny rattling as it rolled along the floor stopping at its final resting place with a hollow echo.

I looked up finally, still crouched underneath the shelf that was now angled between the wall and my huddled body. I was astonished that I made it out of that mostly unscathed. I wasn't really hurt except for my shoulder, but I soon realized couldn't stand up all the way to access the damage in the shitty dim basement light because the shelf was leaning over me. Shards of glass were strewn everywhere…pictures, broken frames and what was left of my grandmother Swan's crystal vase collection. Shit. I knew my dad hated that stuff, but it was Gran's…

Another bolt of lightening crashed outside, followed by the rumble of thunder and then the lights flickered a few times. I gasped, knowing I would be tremendously fucked if I was stuck down there in the dark. With my heart thumping, I got on my knees and pushed at the shelf with all of my might, but it wasn't going anywhere as it was wedged in the sheetrock at an angle, leaving me trapped in the corner of the basement.

Then I tried to slide my body between the wall and the shelf, but I couldn't squeeze past my shoulder. Even if I could manage to shimmy the rest of my body out, I would only be met by a floor littered with broken glass and me with bare feet.

"Fuck! No, no, NO! God, please, this isn't happening to me!" Sighing with frustration, I sat back down on the icy cold concrete floor tucking my robe underneath my butt while trying to devise a way to get the hell out of there. I hit the back of the shelves repeatedly until my hand was sore.

Then, as if my life wasn't fucked up enough at the moment, the lights flickered again leaving the cavernous room completely black.

I froze, sucking in a deep breath. "Oh my God! Why are you doing this to me? Help" I screamed in vain. "Help!" Who even knew when the hell Charlie would be home? I could be here for days, starving and freezing in a puddle of my own pee.

I was completely taken back, and an irrational surge of fear blasted through me. My heart began thumping and I could feel my chest constricting, suffocating me, trapping me, in a dark and damp basement, with barely a stitch of clothing on.

I looked up when I heard the faint sound of my phone ringing upstairs, making me feel impossibly farther away from the warmth of my clothes, safety of clean wooden floors and soft comforting furniture.

_Edward…_

It was so black, that I couldn't even judge how far away from the stairs I had been. Not that it made a hell of a difference, because even if I could slide out from underneath, I had no way of navigating my way amongst the echoing black and shards of glass littering the floor.

I felt my throat close up in panic, but I pushed it back angrily, breathing deeply from my belly, trying to slow my pulse rate down.

I hated that I was such a fucking freak.

Still sitting frozen under the constraints of the shelf, I waited patiently for another wave of thunder to serve as my lighthouse in the storm, while chasing away childish fears of monsters lurking in unguarded crevices. As another bolt of lightening flashed through the windows, I could clearly see the staircase just beyond the mess on the floor. So close, yet so far.

~%~

It felt like hours, but it could have been minutes as I sat there trying to come up with a plan to get the hell out of that godforsaken basement. I prayed aloud to God at some point, and then I tried to mentally telepath Edward into coming over to save me. My phone had rang several times upstairs, but I only had special rings for my parents, so I had no idea who was calling me, though I was praying it was Edward.

Putting my fingers to my temples I chanted, "Ohm, ohm, Edward…if you can hear me…I am trapped in my basement…and I am completely naked…" I thought if he could hear me, sending him naked images of me telepathically it would get his ass here faster.

_Well, I was desperate._

I even unpacked one of the nearby boxes that I could reach, tearing it open flat to make a cardboard layer between the glass covered floor and my feet, but it wasn't long enough to reach the stairs. Besides, I couldn't squeeze out.

Rubbing my naked gooseflesh covered thighs with my palms, and cursing myself for not getting dressed, I shivered. I dropped my forehead in my hand when my stomach growled and I realized that I hat to pee really badly. And just as a lone tear escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheek in frustration, I heard a banging on my front door.

I knelt, bathing in the wash of relief as I yelled, "Down here! I'm stuck in the basement!"

I knew it was Edward. I could tell by the devout tenacity of the knocks. I assumed he must have been calling me and when I didn't answer, he was probably worried about me being alone in the dark during a storm. I screamed again, while the knocks continued relentlessly and then suddenly they stopped. I yelled frantically, as loud as I could, my throat becoming raw at that point. The wooden shelf was muffling my cries.

Tears filled the corners of my eyes and I began to weep as a lump formed in my throat. "Please come back," I begged quietly, wiping away tears and my runny nose with my hand. I smacked my palms against the wood again, pushing as hard as I could in frustration, but I needed to be standing to get it to budge. I sobbed, defeated and cold and feeling like a complete moron for getting trapped in my own basement.

Then I heard him. The sunshine, the music, the hope of Edward's voice calling out to me, laced with alarm. I screamed out again, as the basement door was thrown open in haste and Edward's feet clunked down the stairs. I had never heard such beautiful sounds before in all my life.

"Bella, where the hell are you?" All I could see was a beam of white light coming from his direction, but his voice made me want to belt out choir songs and yell, "Praise Baby Jesus! I have been saved!"

"Behind the stupid shelf," I sniffed, frantically waving my arm out the side of the shelf. "Edward, thank God, I thought I was gonna die down here. You have to grab my shoes. There's glass all over the floor and I am barefoot." I pleaded with him, sniffing through happy tears.

"What the fuck happened?" he asked, making his way through the fragments in his path. He crouched to the floor, shining the light into the corner where I was huddled with my knees into my chest. "You're crying… are you hurt, Love?" My ass was frozen numb, but the sight of him warmed my whole being.

_Holy shit…he just called me Love._

"No, I'm fine… just fucking stupid." I wiped more tears away from my cheeks with the back of my hand, pulling the robe closed. I must have looked like complete shit.

He handed me the tail end of the flashlight directing me to hold it up so he could shimmy the shelf out of its wedged in position. It took him a few tries, but he pulled the shelf to an upright spot, sliding it back against the wall. As he worked, he let out little grunts while muttering his disbelief as to how I could get myself stuck in this ridiculous situation. As I stood, wrapping my arms around my torso, Edward brushed his hands off, and his eyes traveled the length of my body.

"You're shaking. Shit…" he stood there for just a second, before he shrugged off his damp gray pea coat. I slid my arms into it gratefully, even though it was wet from the rain. It was deliciously warm inside, and it smelled like him- the faint hint of cigarettes, cologne and something distinctly Edward. Oh and weed, I definitely recognized the scent of freshly smoked weed. The sleeves were a good six inches too long and hung from my frame awkwardly.

"I need shoes…there's glass…" Edward looked at the glass covered floor and then at me, tearstained and freezing, clearly making an on the spot decision.

"Fuck the shoes. Come here." My eyes widened at his hands held out to me. I took a step forward hesitantly, not certain what to do.

"But…"

"B, what the fuck am I supposed to do, leave you here? Just come…" His voice held a hint of irritation causing me to immediately wonder why he would be upset at me for this. It wasn't like I did it on purpose. I was born a spaz, not made.

Before I could blink, Edward scooped me up in his arms, carrying me up the flight of stairs with ease. I stared at him shocked and blinking, his face only inches from mine.

"B, the light, please…" he said chuckling. Quickly, I redirected the light in front of him, as we finally made it to the landing.

"My hero…" I whispered. Edward smiled at me, still suspending me in his arms and I wished I didn't have the thickness of the cashmere between us, just Edward's skin and my thin satin robe.

"Are you okay?" he whispered softly. I nodded still dumfounded that he was touching me. My face was so close to his…I could smell the rain on him, and the sweet scent of the gel in his damp hair. His arms were so strong and his chest and torso was rock solid. I hadn't imagined a human body could be that firm and unyielding.

"I am now," I whispered back softly. His eyes closed momentarily and his face sort of jerked forward a bit. My breath caught in my throat as I thought he was leaning in to kiss me. Instead, he hoisted me up higher in his arms and headed for the stairs while I guided our path with the flashlight. Once we got to my room, Edward stood near my bed seemingly debating where to drop me. I cocked an eyebrow expectantly, while he just stood there, holding me in his arms.

"I don't…want to put you down," he whispered. I felt his embrace tighten around my back and underneath my knees. I shivered at his words, and the anguish that seemed to invade his tone. I wanted him to hold me forever.

"So don't."

"Yeah, but uh…you're not exactly light." The flashlight gave the room enough light that I could see the smirk on his mouth.

"Thanks," I replied with a scowl. My teeth began to chatter, as the dampness of Edward's coat had begun to seep through to the inside.

"You're freezing, B. You need to get dressed." I nodded sadly, realizing that he was right. Between my wet hair and the fact that all I had on underneath the thin robe was a pair of panties, I was shaking. He lowered me to the floor, waiting for my feet to find purchase before he extricated his arms from around my waist. I felt immediately disheartened by the loss of contact and the warmth radiating from his body.

Slipping off his coat, I laid it gingerly on the bed, and stood the flashlight upright so it shone onto the ceiling illuminating my bedroom enough to manage dressing.

"Wow, your room is a mess," he said softly, picking up my earlier discarded bra off my desk. I ignored his remark, snatching the bra out of his hands. He laughed as he asked, "Why were you down in the basement anyway?"

"I was looking for a picture frame, which I left in the stupid basement. Angela took this." I handed him the picture from my bed. Edward squinted at it, moving closer to the light.

"You wanted to frame this? Why?" he asked rather curtly.

I was taken back by his brashness. "Because I like it. It's a beautiful picture, and I don't have another of you." I retrieved the picture from his outstretched hand watching him absently chew the inside of his cheek. "What's the problem with that?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing, it's just…I don't know. Forget it."

"Don't do that," I snapped.

Edward's eyebrows furrowed and he frowned. "Don't do what?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed exaggeratedly. "Obviously there's a reason that bothered you. Please don't hide your feelings from me…it's not fair. I mean, we can't…" I crooked my head to the side, letting him know I wasn't upset.

He huffed and replied, "I was just having a shitty fucking day. And I don't like those stupid Converse. But if you like the picture then, do what you want with it."

I nodded, understanding his explanation to mean he didn't like the way he looked in the picture. "What's up with the shoes, anyway?"

"Ah, I was trying out a new look." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

"You're way too Metrosexual to be Emo," I laughed. "E can you please grab me a pair of socks?" I asked pointing to the dresser, before bending to reach a pair of soft cotton yoga pants in my bottom drawer. I shrugged off the robe, not caring all that much that I was standing in my room in just a pair of white underwear because I was so cold.

He muttered, "Sure," turning toward the drawer. As I slipped on the pants, I caught a glimpse of his expression in the reflection of the dresser mirror. He was rifling through my top drawer while not even paying attention to the contents. Instead, his gaze was on me and my nakedness as he cautiously looked up through his lashes.

"Socks, Edward," I chuckled, redirecting him. He faltered, casting his eyes downward while opening a few drawers until he found my socks. He turned to hand a pair to me, right before I slipped on a long sleeved fitted gray tee shirt. I took the socks from him, as I muttered appreciation, still shivering from the cold. Edward turned back toward the dresser again, apparently embarrassed by being caught peeping. I didn't care really, I just thought it was unbelievably cute and flattering that he wanted to see me in my state of undress.

I squatted into the closet, sorting through the disorganized mound of shoes, in search of a matching pair of sneakers. Once I found a set, I peeked over my shoulder, to watch Edward holding up a pair of my underwear. His head was cocked to one side, like he was concentrating hard on something. He put them down, picking up another pair, holding them up just like the first.

"Did you want to try them on?" I smirked as I slipped on my shoes.

"What? No," he said defensively. "I just…how the fuck are these even comfortable?" He had one of my lace thongs lazily hanging off his pointer finger.

"I don't know… they just are. You don't even feel them after a few seconds."

"Yeah, but they are in…your butt." He snapped the elastic back like a rubber band.

I shrugged. "Why don't you put them on and see for your self?"

"Uh, no thanks. But I do like these…" he held up a lime green thong, with a picture of a frog wearing a crown silk screened on the front. "Can I have them?"

"They aren't going to fit you," I snickered, knowing full well that he had no intention of trying them on. He clicked his tongue, shaking his head.

I narrowed my eyes at him playfully. "Are they to add to your collection?"

"Yeah, the one I am starting today." I laughed as he slid the panties in his back pocket. Edward's phone rang at the same time. He pulled it from his other pocket, answering it.

"Yo." He turned toward me, leaning his ass against the dresser as I stood. "Yeah, she's okay…trapped in her fucking basement." He laughed and rolled his eyes, adding, "I know, I know." I cocked an eyebrow at him, narrowing my eyes. Edward mouthed, "Jasper."

"You two are talking again?" I asked hopefully with a big smile. He nodded, rolling his eyes. Edward hung up the phone him saying, "Come on, let's go. Pizza was just delivered to my house." Edward slipped his jacket back on, looking at me oddly. "You look cute," he remarked.

I made a face, gazing down at my extremely casual outfit. "You think this is cute? I wear this to bed."

"Yeah, I know you do, but…" Edward's breath caught abruptly. He shook his head, grabbing the flashlight off the desk and lighting the way down the stairs, not giving me a choice but to follow him. Edward helped me with my coat, as I hit the remote start on my car. The thunder and lightening had died down, but it continued to rain in torrential droves. The Cullen's driveway was about as long as the street itself, I was not about to get drenched out there.

I grabbed my purse, remembering the game that was still on the basement stairs. Once I retrieved it, Edward's eyes widened, as he tucked it under his arm. He stuck his hand out expectantly. At first I thought he was petitioning me to award him my hand. After all, he had touched me when he carried me to safety, but he never made contact with anything but his coat, so I wasn't quite certain here what the protocol was.

Edward looked at me with a puzzled expression, before his face clouded over with clarification, "Keys." I instantly felt stupid for thinking he would suddenly start changing all of the rules and his carefully thought out reasoning why we couldn't touch in private.

I stood indignant, "E, I can drive a hundred feet to your house." He shook his head, rolling his eyes.

"I just saved your life, an act which could very well land me in jail and you're going to argue with me?" I scowled with a hiss, conceding as I dropped my keys into his open palm. We ran through the heavy down pour just a few feet, getting completely soaked in the process. Edward's dark hair was dripping wet and hanging in his eyes, as he started the car muttering expletives under his breath.

He pulled behind his BMW, holding his finger up indicating that I should wait. Once he was around to the passenger side, he swung open the door, as I lunged out ducking under the collar of my hood while gripping the board game. Jasper opened the front door, holding a slice of pizza in his hand.

The house was surprisingly bright and cozy, candlelight scattered about the two front rooms. Both fireplaces were roaring, giving the house a warm feel and that great burning woody scent significant of the change of seasons. The three of us headed to the kitchen, where I helped myself to a slice of pizza and a can of soda, while Edward disappeared into the laundry room. He came back out rubbing a towel over his head, before he grabbed a slice and sat with Jasper and I.

"This is so romantic," I crooned, sarcastically.

The dynamic in that kitchen should have been awkward I suppose, because technically, the last time Jasper and I interacted, his arms were embracing me and his mouth was on mine. We hadn't spoken of it since though I did feel a conversation was necessary, just to clear the air. By the way his eyes kept darting from mine to the table, Jasper seemed like maybe he was feeling the same way.

"Jeez, you guys reek of pot," I remarked, waving my hand in front of me while feeling a little put off that they had gone ahead and smoked without me. I could have used a little of that at the moment. They both chuckled.

"So…uh…Bella. Did you by chance mention to um, Alice about… um…the day that you…and uh, I…were by the tree house?" Jasper took a huge gulp of soda and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

"Oh, you mean the day we made out and you tried to cop a feel?" Edward dropped his half eaten slice into his plate mid bite as he turned, glaring at Jasper. "Oh, I'm kidding!" I said, rolling my eyes.

"Bella, don't even fuck around like that! It's bad enough that he fucking…" Edward huffed, tossing his napkin angrily down. He shook his head, clearly indicating it was a sore spot for him. Point taken.

"Sorry, sorry. Um, no Jazz, I didn't tell her anything. Should I?"

"Uh, that would be a big fat no. I don't think she would appreciate that and it would definitely lessen my chances of…" he shook his head, trailing off his statement. Edward smirked. "But uh…are we…cool?" he motioned back and forth between the two of us with his eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, we're good, no worries. So…you and Alice, huh?" I grinned, looking over at Edward, who was patting his pizza slice down with a napkin. He was such a fucking priss sometimes. How he managed to be so strikingly hot and manly at the same time he was blotting pizza grease was right up there with the great wonders of the world.

"Ah, I don't know. She fucking hates me, and I don't blame her. But I want to ask her to go to this thing on Saturday...this festival where they have like, apple picking and hayrides and shit. If she says yes then you guys will come with us?"

My heart fluttered a bit, because Jasper just admitted that he wanted to take Alice on a date. I was so excited, I wanted to call her right them and tell her. I looked at Edward, because he hadn't mentioned anything about it. He shrugged and said simply, "I forgot to ask…I was distracted by your underwear. Would you want to go?"

I laughed aloud. "Is that the one in Sequim? Rose's mom took us all when we were like, ten. It was pretty cool except for the haunted house. Jessica Stanley peed her pants, and then threw up all over Lauren's new shoes," I said nodding, as they both laughed. "But I'd love to go. Just a word of advice," I added. "If you like Alice, then don't call her Xanax anymore. It's not nice."

Jasper nodded solemnly whispering, "I know… I won't." It seemed that he genuinely felt remorse for his actions. It made me soar.

We finished up the pizza, just as Emmett came into the kitchen soaking wet. "Hey guys. Some fucking storm, huh? Power's out all the way to Port Angeles. Mom called to tell me that she and dad are stuck on the 101 because there's a pole down and traffic is backed up all the... Hey pizza!" he cheered, sliding into a seat and helping himself to a generous slice of pepperoni. After a brief discussion about the fall festival in Sequim, Emmett decided that he and Rose should come along as well.

Edward loaded a fresh set of batteries into the game, and once we heard the familiar buzzing sound working properly, the four of us sat around the kitchen table taking turns. Even though Edward and Jasper were high, Edward did amazingly well. I think the buzzer only sounded once when he extracted the wishbone from the naked dude. Emmett and I did both really well, high fiving each other often as Jazz and Edward grumbled. Every now and then Edward would give me the evil eye when my hand met Emmett's. Something as simple as a high five was off limits for us, proving that this was indeed, a cruel and unfair world.

Just as the boys began to argue over who was the best "surgeon," my phone rang. It was Alice asking for a ride home from the diner. I asked Edward if he would mind coming with me to get her, and Jasper suddenly perked up, offering to do it. We exchanged looks, smirking at each other as Jasper bolted out the front door. I thought about calling her to give her a fair warning, but instead I just texted her the words, _Your welcome_. She would figure the meaning out when she saw Jasper pull up… that is, if she didn't pass out on the pavement first.

Edward and I headed up to his room. He pulled my underwear out of his back pocket along with his phone, smirking at me. I sat on his bed leaning on my elbows as I shamelessly watched him change out of his jeans by the flicker of the candlelight. He peeled off his shirt, tossing it into his hamper in the bathroom. When he got down to his boxer briefs, he gazed down at me, smirked, and then just unabashedly stripped them off. I bit my lower lip watching his gorgeous naked body move swiftly into his flannel pajama pants. The mere sight of him made things happen to my body that felt so very bad, and so very, very good.

I wanted to sultrily whisper, "Come here," to him so I could touch his chest and play with the little silver ring that slid through his nipple, but I knew very well that I couldn't. Edward took the candle into his closet, reappearing wearing the green sweatshirt we bought together at the mall. He looked so soft and comfortable and so cuddle up next-to-able. It was then, that I yawned and it dawned on me to ask him what time it was. He checked his phone; it was after ten thirty.

"I should go," I said apprehensively. The last thing I wanted to do was go home to a completely cold and dark house. Sensing my trepidation, he pulled out his phone again, dialing while holding his finger up. _Hold on a sec…_

"Hey mom, where are you guys?" He waited for a reply before he nodded. "Yeah, everything here is fine. Listen, Bella is here and I think she's a little scared to go home alone to her house with the power off. Can she stay here tonight?" We smiled at each other, and then after a few words on the other end, his face fell slightly. "Mom, it's probably freezing up there…" After a short pause, and a couple of eye rolls and head nods, he conceded. "Yeah, okay. All right. See you soon. Bye."

"She said you can stay in the guest suite, not in my room." He shrugged his shoulders, looking thoroughly disappointed.

"That's fine. I'm too tired to get it on tonight anyway." I laughed weakly as I stood, grabbing my purse off his nightstand. He mumbled something incoherent, as he held the candle leading into the bathroom. He began to brush his teeth, peeking his head out with his mouth stuffed with his blue toothbrush. He waved around another toothbrush, a brand new purple one, which I accepted gratefully.

We brushed our teeth together, sharing the sink, each taking a turn to spit. I felt a little funny about it, since we hadn't don't anything like that before, but I suppose it shouldn't have been a big deal because he had, after all, seen me half naked. And I wasn't embarrassed about that at all… but watching me brush my teeth was reason to feel self- conscious. _Dumbass_.

When he finished he slid his toothbrush into a little egg shaped holder that had a violet light emanating from the top of the pod. Without even looking at me, he knew I would expect an explanation from him.

"UV toothbrush sanitizer," he said matter of factly.

I snickered. "Only you, Edward."

He took my new toothbrush, laying it inside a plastic case before holding the candle and motioning for me to go ahead. The house was fairly quiet at that point, except for the murmur of Emmett's voice behind his bedroom door. I assumed he was saying goodnight to Rose, which I thought was really sweet. We walked down the hallway to a doorway on the end, the flickering candlelight casting ghostly shadows on the walls and high ceilings.

As Edward opened the door, a cool breeze greeted us as it rolled down into the entryway. Shivering, I followed him up a short, carpeted flight of stairs which opened into a spacious living room with very high ceilings. I gasped, because I had no idea this was even here. In the dim light, I could see that it was decorated in a French Country style, very feminine and frilly, with muted colors and long billowy window treatments. There were little nooks with tables and floral arrangements; fringed table lamps set upon them. The dainty striped couches were scattered with a million floral patterned throw pillows. Just beyond the living area was a small country kitchen and a dining area. The Cullen's "guest suite" was actually a generous sized apartment, larger than most of the places my mom and I lived in after we left Forks.

"My grandparents stay here when they visit. It's the girlie part of the house," he chuckled. He opened the door to one of the two bedrooms and I gasped again at the beautiful white wooden canopy bed, decorated with floral linens and even more throw pillows. Edward set the candle on the nightstand, and began placing all the pillows neatly into the wooden chest at the foot of the bed. He gently tossed me his lighter motioning for me to light the bedside candle. Taking the lighter back, he knelt in front of the small fireplace, and lit what looked to be more candles, but he explained that they were made of a special gel or something and gave off a surprising amount of heat. While he did that, I snaked my arm up the sleeve of my shirt, removing my bra discreetly, and laying it on the nightstand folded next to my purse.

The room warmed up quickly and soon became very cozy. The bed was so squishy, that I sunk a few inches into it when I lay down. I put my head down into the pillows feeling the softness of the bedding all around me. I could have slept for days in that bed. Edward chuckled, crawling in beside me. He lay his head down on the pillow, staring at my face. His eyes darted to my chest, where I knew he noticed I was braless by the way his lip caught between his teeth.

"This bed is so comfy," I said, feeling slightly exposed.

"Uh, yeah," he cleared his throat. "This is the most comfortable bed in the house. My grandparents never want to leave."

"I can see why," I said snuggling into the pillows. "I love this place. It's so 'me'." Edward nodded as I yawned again.

"Tired?" he asked. His hand gingerly reached out to tug on a strand of wayward hair that had fallen from the messy bun I had forgotten my hair was in since I'd gotten out of the shower. I guessed hair was an exception to the rule because it was actually dead and a mere extension of myself, not actually me.

_I wonder how strict the law is if I were to get gangrene in the cooch…_

"Hey, how did you get in my house?" I asked, suddenly remembering that Edward got in without a key, and I remember distinctly locking the front door behind me when I came in.

"I uh…climbed through your bedroom window," he said looking down.

"What? You did that high? Are you insane?" I shook my head at his antics, but thanking the lord, he had the good sense and persistence to do so.

I pulled out the elastic ponytail holder, sitting up to rake my hands though my hair. It was still damp in spots and lay around my shoulders in wiry tendrils. I pulled the little travel sized hairbrush from my purse, running it through my hair.

"No. First off, you shouldn't be leaving that window open. Anyone can get in that way. And last year, when they were building the den, me and Jazz and Em were watching the crew and talking about how fucking easy it was to just jump on the back porch rail and hoist ourselves up. The roof isn't even that sharp of an angle. It wasn't hard at all. Not that any of us would deliberately break into a cop's house, but…"

"Well, I'm glad I did leave it open, cause I would be dead by now. Thank you for saving me." I wanted to ask him about calling me "Love" but I felt weird, so I dropped it.

"Anytime."

My phone buzzed with a text from Alice. It read simply, _**OMG OMG OMG Jasper here**_

I giggled, showing Edward the text. He lay on his side, propped up on his elbow as watched me brush my hair for a minute, his eyes intense and probing. I smiled at him meekly. "What?"

"Can I …do that?" he asked, almost amused. I shrugged, handing him the brush, thinking that Mr. Anal had better not start pointing out all my split ends. He sat up, scooting closer, as I turned around with my back toward him.

In my periphery, I could see him raise his hand tentatively toward the top of my head. As the brush made contact with my scalp, I sighed heavily. It felt so good. Each stroke was relaxing and comforting, reminding me of being a little girl and getting pigtails before school, only this was…different.

"My mom used to brush my hair when I was little. I always had so many tangles and knots and she would pull on them. I hated it." He scooted even closer, so close that I could feel his pepperminty breath on my ear as he ran the brush against my scalp. It was suddenly really, really warm in the room.

"Holy shit it's hot in here," he mumbled, practically reading my thoughts. I felt the mattress shift slightly as he removed his sweatshirt and tossed it near the edge of the bed. In the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of his bare torso as he leaned over.

Oh dear God, he was shirtless behind me. I swallowed thickly, and nervously continued, "Though I liked when she washed it for me and…mmmmm…" I could hear Edward's breathing deepen as I prattled on about my mother and my stupid hair. He ran the brush in long straight strokes from my forehead to the ends, pressing the plastic bristles firmly into my skin. I moaned a little in pleasure, not even realizing how erotic the sounds I was making were coming off.

I continued talking, to distract myself from the sensual feelings and the heat that was coagulating in my lady bits. "She used to use this detangling spray that smelled like watermelon…mmmm…shit… unnngh…"

"Bella," he whispered, so close I could smell him. "I'm not your mother." I shivered at his words, though I was so warm I could feel the little perspiration beads gathering on my forehead.

_Fuck, no…you are not._

His breath tickled my ear and sent shooting curls of desire into my crotch. Edward pressed the brush into the back of my neck, and slowly dragged it down my spine. I moaned again, because suddenly, it went from very, very innocent to very, very erotic.

"Does that feel good?" he whispered in a voice so smooth it felt like I could wrap my whole body in it. I shook my head yes, moaning again, as he brushed past my ear, down my neck and over my shoulder.

"Ow!" I cried out, with a long hiss through my teeth. Edward flinched back as I pulled the shirt down off my shoulder to examine the cause of the pain. "Something hit me there when the shelf fell," I explained.

"Bella, take your shirt off, so I can look." I did as he asked, immediately feeling very vulnerable. A shiver ran through my system as my cool, wet hair brushed against my bare skin. My exposed back was to him as he hovered over me, peering at my shoulder. "I want to get some ice for that," he said.

"No, it's fine, just don't touch it." Edward sat back on his heels with a little huff. I turned my face to look over my shoulder, which I could see had a lovely large purple and fuchsia bruise spread over the surface. "Please…don't stop," I implored in a strained whisper. Edward sat back up on his knees, resuming his brush strokes, only this time, he was more gentle, barely tracing the spokes of the brush down my bare skin. He was no longer brushing my hair for the sake of practicality…this was so much more than that.

As he brought the soft bristles back up my spine, I gathered my thoroughly combed hair, tossing it over my shoulder, so that he had access to my whole back. Edward emitted a low breathy moan, "So fucking pretty."

He grazed my earlobe gently, running the plastic down my neck, to my shoulder, then across my collarbone. He was so close now, if I moved even the slightest bit, our skin would make contact. I could feel the heat of his chest on my back. I let out a staggered breath, as I felt my underwear suddenly became wet from all of the non- touching. It was so sensual, so erotic and beautiful…I had never experienced anything like it in my life.

He turned the brush so that the soft plastic bristles curved around my shoulder blades, down my ribcage to my waist and then back up again. I moaned and whimpered at every completed circuit, not caring that my pleasure sounds were awfully reminiscent of sex sounds. He was careful to avoid my bruised shoulder when he passed that way. I was so excited and so relaxed at the same time, but I was waiting, waiting for something…

Then the something happened.

Edward drew the brush around to the front of my neck, straddling my body with his legs on either side of me. He could easily see my naked front from where he was, and I didn't bother to dare hide it from him. The brush grazed my collarbone again… this time, dipping lower, and lower until he made wide circles around each of my breasts in a figure eight motion, the symbol of infinity. Edward's breathing became labored and heavy; a clear sign that he was very turned on. I wondered if he wanted to take care of himself, or if he expected me to stick my hand down my own pants. I didn't even have to question if he was hard…

Just as the brush passed over my very erect nipple, our breath hitched together. I moaned softly, as Edward whispered, "You're fucking making me …crazy right now…."

"Ungss you God…mmmmmmmmm," was my incoherent reply. As the bristles passed gently over the other nipple I gripped my fingers on the edge of the bed, feeling a tingly spiral in my insides. "Edward…I think I'm…I'm…ohhh…" I was there…so close. I had heard what they were supposed to be like; read all about orgasms about how they started weak and gradually gained momentum before exploding all over your body. I had heard they made you want to scream and see spots and stars and curl your toes in ecstasy. The problem was, that even though my fingers were "active" down there, I had never been able to get my self to that point. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like…until now. I started to feel a heightened sensation that was…virtually indescribable.

My mouth hung open and I began to pant as the heat between my thighs and the ache in my lower belly throbbed and burned. Edward's breathing was even more labored at that point. He let out a tiny whimper and just as I thought was about to have that _moment_, we heard the only sound in the world that could have made me cry at that second.

A soft knock on the door, and then Esme's sweet voice calling, "Edward? Can I talk to you for a second?"

_Are you fucking kidding me right now?_

As if he had suddenly been burned on the ass with a hot iron, he was off the bed, muttering curses as he pulled on his sweatshirt and fixed his pajama pants. His hair was all over the place and I motioned for him to smooth it down, which he did on cue. I must say, even in the midst of the rushing to become decent, I got a fairly good glimpse of his crotch before he put the shirt on and, yes, he was very, very hard.

I pulled on my shirt, sitting at the edge of the bed, trying to stuff my bra in my purse while my heart beat inside my throat. I was left with my cooter buzzing and tingling and feeling immensely frustrated.

Edward opened the bedroom door, shutting it softly behind him. I could barely hear the incoherent murmurs of their conversation, while I sat there feeling terribly guilty for our innocently salacious activities with a stupid travel sized hairbrush. Edward returned shortly, shutting the bedroom door again.

"You should call your father," he said curtly, sitting down on the bed next to me. I nodded, pulling my phone from my bag and called. I left a message telling Charlie where I was and the circumstances that led me here, remembering to include that I was sleeping in the guest bedroom.

Edward huffed. "I'm so fucking sorry about that. I uh… I have to go…"

I knew it wasn't his choice to leave, that it was Esme's request. "What time do you get up in the morning?" he asked, standing.

"Six," I replied softly, standing to face him. I needed to kiss him…I needed to feel his mouth on mine and his arms around me, touching, groping, holding…

"Okay, I'll be back in the morning to wake you up. Sweet dreams, B." He pulled at the bedding, looking very sad while I climbed in. Edward drew the covers up, gazing down at me with a small smile.

"You too, Edward," I whispered, snuggling into the pillows. I was definitely going to need to find my _moment _again once he was gone.

_Sucks for him._

He moved to exit the bedroom, but paused to turn back. His hands went to the hem of the sweatshirt, slowly pulling it off to reveal his bare torso again. I gasped shamelessly at his beauty, feeling tingles all over again, as he tossed me the garment.

"The gels are going to run out in a few hours. It will probably get cold in here." He pointed to the fireplace, explaining why he was disrobing again.

"Thank you, E," I said softly, as I gathered it up in my arms, taking a whiff. It smelled amazing. "Night."

"Hey, Bella…were you just about to…"

_Come?_

I nodded. "I'm pretty sure, yeah."

"Pretty sure? You don't _know_?" He cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, I've never, uh… had one, so…" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Never?" he asked with wide eyes.

I shook my head. "Never."

"Fuck…that's going to change real soon. Are you going to uh…?" He sort of pointed to my crotch waving his finger around in a circle while I smiled at him stupidly.

_Finish?_

I nodded again, shyly looking down. He sighed a long frustrated breath and groaned.

"You?" I asked, already knowing the answer. He nodded, rolling his eyes as if to say, "Obviously." Then he kissed his fingertips softly, putting them to the air before he disappeared out the door.

Once I knew he was safely gone, I slid my hand down my pants touching until it felt good again, but I wasn't able to get close to where Edward's touches had taken me. When I was thoroughly frustrated and so dead tired that my lids were burning, I rolled over, cradling Edward's sweatshirt, soaking in his delicious scent. I skipped the prayers because I was pissed about the shelf thing in the basement, and I was too exhausted to get into it with The Big Guy Upstairs. As I drifted off to sleep, I was deeply saddened that I was alone and more than a little resentful of Esme's untimely interruption.

That night, I dreamed of strong arms around me and tender touches; caresses on my face and my hair that were gentle and soft and wrapped in love.

I woke early the next morning, confused for a moment before I realized where I was. It was still dark in the bedroom as the fireplace no longer held its soft glow or gave off its much welcomed warmth. My nose was cold, yet underneath the covers, I was snug and cozy, almost too warm. I sat up, pulling my hair into a ponytail and checking the time on my phone. It was 5:17. As I lay the phone back down on the night table, I reached my hand to smooth out the rumpled bedspread beside me.

I wrinkled my nose in confusion, because not only had I no recollection whatsoever of putting on Edward's sweatshirt in the middle of the night, but I was pretty certain I slept soundly on the right side of the bed. It made no sense at all that the spot on the left was… warm.

And then I smiled, knowing that maybe I hadn't slept alone after all.

**~%~**


	17. Chapter 17 Self Appointed Hero

**Thank you to Becca for speedy proofing and to Suzy for all that you do. ILY BB.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 17~ Self Appointed Hero**

**I'm so ****high, I could hear heaven  
oh but heaven no heaven don't hear me  
and they say that a hero could save us **

**I'm not gonna stand here and wait **

**oh hold on to the wings of a hero watches the hope fly away  
someone told me love would all save us  
but how can that be look what love gave us  
a world full of killing and blood spilling  
that world never cant  
and now that the world isn't ending  
its love that im sending to you**

**Nickleback~ Hero**

**~ Edward ~**

"Something is wrong, Dude. I know it," I said adamantly, jumping from the tree house steps.

_I feel it._

"So go, you paranoid freak. I'll wait here for the pizza, just call me when you find her." Jasper hopped out behind me. I waved, sprinting off down the path toward my car. After quickly grabbing a flashlight from my trunk, I heading down the street to Bella's house.

Once inside, Bella's house was fucking cold as ice and I was seriously trembling as I repeatedly called out her name. I was hoping to God she wasn't like, in the bathroom or the shower...okay well, if I had to be completely honest, a big part of me kind of hoped she was is the shower because I was a sick fucker like that. I felt like I was making an asshole out of myself for climbing through her goddamn window, after I made no progress in finding another way inside.

I continued to frantically search for her, going from room to room and finding nothing. I was high and my mind was slightly fuzzy. Panic had set in when she failed to answer any of the numerous times I called or return any of my texts. Jazz made me feel like a psycho stalker boyfriend, and for a moment, I thought maybe he was right. After all, I had called and texted her 10 times in the span of 17 minutes. Desperate much? I felt it in my bones that something was wrong though….like a sixth sense or some shit.

But as I called out in vain, I heard no response, and I grew more fearful. Then I heard her cry out, her voice laced with… I don't know…fear, relief, frustration?

I crouched holding the light up to see her tear stained face. Bella... my trembling girl...with her hair all wet sitting on the cold cement floor in nothing but a thin white bathrobe. Her knees were pulled up to her chin and she looked so small and frail, like a little girl. Not the sexy, beautiful creature I saw in my dreams. I set her free and had no choice but to pick her up and carry her to safety. Though…really, who was I trying to kid here? I most certainly did have a choice. I could have easily chosen to go get her shoes and let her walk up the stairs with no assistance from me except for the single beam of light guiding our way. However, that was not an option. I chose her safety as my priority and it was rationale enough for me to break the rules for just a few minutes until she was out of danger.

I had to touch her. And I didn't want to let her go. Ever.

But she was trembling, her skin covered with goose bumps, her eyes reflecting the trauma of being stuck in her basement in a storm. I wanted to slide into her warm bed and wrap my body around her soft flesh and hold her until she was calm and felt safe but I knew I could not. And it fucking sucked like a nasty motherfucker.

I watched her reflection shamelessly through her mirror while she dressed and I felt like a dumb shit when she caught me gaping. I didn't care…I got a pair of underwear out of it. Hopefully the first of many, because…everyone should have a hobby. I was curious to see what she wore, if not to add to my file of fantasies, but to see what I could buy her. The idea of purchasing her lingerie had my head spinning. What would I like to personally see covering her perfect little ass? Yeah, um…nothing. If I had my way... she would be naked 24/7.

I noticed she had mostly thongs, a few lacy items and lots of plain boyshorts, but nothing I would classify as special or exceptionally sexy. I had full intentions of amending that promptly. I wondered briefly if she would prefer something from Victoria's Secret...or La Perla.

What I also had allocated myself was the appointed task of changing the fact that she had never experienced an orgasm. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I mean, she told me she touched herself all the time, but she never came? How is that possible?

Orgasms and underwear…that should keep me occupied for a while.

Once we had finished pizza, I kicked everyone's asses at Operation, thank you very much Junior Dr. Cullen MD. Bella watched me change with her lip caught between her teeth, her eyes wide and full of lust. I wanted nothing more than to slide onto her little body, slip my dick inside of her and relish in the sound of her screaming my name repeatedly. But sadly, we just brushed our teeth together like we were seventy five fucking years old and getting ready to watch Wheel of Fortune before bed.

As I hid away the mass of pillows and lit the fireplace in the guest suite, I began to think deeply regarding the situation in front of me. It occurred to me that I wasn't permitted to touch my own girlfriend, whether it be remotely innocent or overtly sexual or anywhere in between. However, in the circumstance where she or any other female minor as labeled by the court, would be in danger, how was I to turn a blind eye to a necessary act? What kind of person would do that? Esme, in fact, had raised a gentleman.

I began to toy around with the idea of heroism and the rationale that a simple act of bravery could be considered an exception to the rule. Surely, no judge would convict me on a charge of breaking the restraining order when there was an act of valor involved. It in fact, could quite possibly negate the whole damn document. Even judges could appreciate a genuinely heroic effort.

So, as I contemplated this idea, rolling it around in my head, I concocted up ways to "save" her. The idea of somehow knocking her off the bed intrigued me. Working some mathematical calculations in my head, I tried to decipher if I could reasonably push her off the bed and get around the other side fast enough to catch her before she made contact with the ground. I narrowed my eyes in thought…

_Okay, okay, so if the bed is roughly 36 inches high give or take a few inches for fluff factor and she's what…115, maybe 120 lbs, five foot two inches and it takes her say…1.2 seconds to fall from the surface to the carpet, I could reasonably get from this side of the bed to her in 3.1 seconds, which is pointless because I forgot to factor in weight versus mass. No…the force of gravity and inertia of the earth would effect that too. Unless…I roll over the surface of the bed after her…but that would have to be a quick fucking roll…though I could feasibly lunge over the bed and catch her that way…_ _oh but wait…the comforter is silk or some shit, so that will add to the slide factor, because if it was cotton I would go slower…OR…if I was already at the bottom waiting for her, then she could land directly on top of me…and that would be just perfection. _

_Shit,I would need to have like super vampire speed. Why__ the fuck did I get high?_

_But then of course, I would have to touch her to knock her off the damn bed in the first place, so that sort of negates the whole fucking idea._

_So scratch that._

_How about…if I accidentally on purpose set her on fire? I could pat her down, heave a nice big bucket of water on her…maybe she'd be conveniently wearing a white tee shirt at the time? No, that's way too fucked up. How about if I throw her down the stairs and try to catch her before she crashes to the bottom? Trip her? Save her from an out of control car about to hit her__? Throw her off a cliff so I could dive down after her? Maybe, drown her and bring her back to life with CPR…_

_Dude, you have a problem._

I sighed, laying down in the bed next to her noticing how her nipples suddenly popped through her shirt. They oddly reminded me of that little timer thing from the turkey that popped out when it was done. For the first time since I had met her she wore no make up on her face. Her hair was not styled and she was dressed in the comfortable, causal clothes she wore to bed. I almost completely fucked up in my admission of recognizing her sleeping attire at her house, but I hoped it would go right over her head. Still, without any of the usual feminine pretenses or extras, I was for the first time able to see her natural beauty; her true fair yet creamy skin tone, her lips devoid of gloss, her lashes bare of makeup. Natural, comfortable Bella was stunning.

I was fascinated with the sight of her brushing her hair. Such a simple non-sexual activity but it did things to me that I couldn't explain. Things that made me want to pamper her and take care of her…and oh hell…fuck her. Yeah, I'm not_ that_ valiant. I hovered behind her for ten minutes with a ridiculous hard on, as I blew on her neck and her back. I watched how her skin responded to my breath. How she would sigh and slightly shiver. I ran the brush over her shoulder not realizing that she was hurt. Jr. Doctor Cullen was in the house and I just wanted to see the bruise on her shoulder better. I may be a sick demented perverted hero but I didn't have ex-ray vision or super powers.

I swear it didn't even occur to me that she would be naked until she actually was. Once free from the fabric of her top she begged me not to stop. At that moment, I would have happily agreed to jump off the fucking roof if she had asked me to. I sat straddling her, stroking her naked upped body with a fucking hairbrush. Her moans and whimpers went straight to my cock, hardening up that sucker until it was literally aching in my pajama pants. I rearranged it, but I didn't touch it or anything while I did my thing on Bella. I wanted to give her the experience without distractions, free of her mind wandering anywhere else but on the sensations of the brush against her skin. And she was so responsive to the touch, I was in awe at what she would be like when I could do real shit to her with my finger and my tongue and teeth and…my dick.

She was about to get off, she was about to have her very first orgasm just as my mother called me. Nothing deflated a hard on quicker than the sound of your mother's voice. Where is the justice in this world? What the fuck have I done to deserve the steaming pile of shit cards dealt to me?

I hustled out of that bedroom, with my heart in my underwear, knowing that if my mom heard Bella's little moans, she would think we were fucking doing forbidden shit. She was standing in the corner of the hall, holding a candle which illuminated her face. She looked tired…and pissed.

"What's up, Ma?" I asked, closing the door behind me.

"Honey, it's late. What are you doing in there?"

"We're talking." I shifted my eyes to the candle.

"Mmm. Make sure she calls her father. The last thing you need is the town's ex police chief finding out his sixteen year old daughter spent the night in a house with three horny teenage boys." She pursed her lips and cocked her head to the side expectantly. And there it was...the Mom-brow. How the fuck she could do that shit was beyond me. Her eyebrow rose in a silent "I'm not fooling around," mom mode. It was like some secret Mom code or shit. Like Mom truth serum.

_She fucking heard Bella._

"Alright."

"Say goodnight, Edward. Before this gets…complicated." She waved her hand between me and the bedroom door before she shot me a stern and disapproving look. I just rolled my eyes at her, completely annoyed. It was for my own good, but it was fucked up just the same.

After I entrusted my hoodie to her, I left Bella, heading to my own room, where I stripped naked. I was yanking my pants down so fast I almost tripped over them as my foot got stuck in one leg.

I flopped down on my bed and shut my eyes tightly, but the flame of the candle light was casting shadows over my eyelids, distracting the effort. I blew it out and stroked my dick in my hand, not using lotion or lube, just the abundance of stuff leaking out the top that was now all over me. It took about a minute of my hand wrapped around my shaft, making quick pulsing motions as my thumb tightened around the head. My thoughts focused on Bella's tit's and her neck and the soft curves of her shoulders. She was perfect and I couldn't wait to just feel her against me- heat and skin and smells of heaven…soft flesh and hair and hot breath against my mouth. It was over before it began. I stifled a cry into my fist, whimpering as the tension released from me in angry spurts. After I washed off and slipped back into my pajama pants, I lay in bed for a while, not finding comfort or solace in the darkness.

Because I needed her.

The house was black and still as it was after midnight. Using my cell phone as a source of light, I made my way back to the door at the end of the hallway, cringing as the floor underneath my feet creaked and groaned with each step. The fireplace was still going, not as strong, but the room was warm. Bella was snuggled under the covers, cuddling my sweatshirt underneath her face. The sight of her moved me. Her lids closed; peaceful, beautiful, glowing in the soft light. I debated whether to stand there and watch her sleep or join her, and after a few seconds the latter won.

"Bella…" I whispered, testing her alertness. She didn't respond or stir minutely. Slowly, I rounded the bed, crawling onto it on all fours. I slipped under the blankets with her, soaking in the warmth that her body was emitting. She looked really tiny, fragile, so unassuming and innocent.

I fucking loved it.

With great caution, I inched my body toward her, spooning her silhouette without actually touching her. I nuzzled my nose into her hair, all mocha in my face and her skin was clean and fresh like soap and powder. She wasn't wearing perfume tonight, but it didn't matter because my dick recognized her scent anywhere. I was instantly hard again, feeling like a depraved little shit for doing this to her.

But again, in my head, I validated the action by telling myself that I hadn't watched her through her window in over a week. Like I should be rewarded for good behavior or something. It was an ongoing internal struggle I had been having- morality over sexuality- Angel versus Devil. She was my girl and if things were different she would willingly let me touch her…well, I was betting she'd let me do any fucking thing I wanted to her. But I was watching her in private moments and that was just wrong. I also quarreled internally with myself as to whether to tell her or not, but I hadn't come to a founded decision as of yet. I was waiting for one last night before I gave it up all together…cold turkey.

Part of the allure of the whole thing was her innocence, and the fact that she was unaware of what I was doing- that was the biggest turn on of all. She was so sexy and inherently beautiful, and she had absolutely no idea.

Her bruised shoulder was peeking out of the neckline of her shirt. I inched further, finally making contact with the curves of her body…mine molding to her exact shape behind her. My fingertips grazed her shoulder so gently, almost ghosting over the skin. She didn't rouse or sigh so I knew she was in a deep sleep already and I was silently thanking God for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Prozac was my fucking savior.

I moved a few strands of hair from her face, running my knuckles along her cheek. Her skin was incredibly soft and silky under my fingers. I leaned forward, pressing small kisses onto her neck, her shoulder and her arm… feeling her, tasting her, savoring in the warmth.

It was motherfucking divine.

My dick definitely liked the idea of getting some friction. It was cradled in the small of her back, just above the crack of her ass cheeks. I shifted forward gently, feeling the contrast between the slightly scratchy fabric of the inside of the flannel, and the outside barrier of her tail bone against my hard on.

I imagined just carefully pulling down her stretchy pants and cupping as ass cheek, before slipping inside of her, pushing forward gently, slowly, breathing and moving as one. Of course, I wouldn't dare. I didn't have the fucking balls for that. Besides the fact that she would definitely wake up…but something told me she wouldn't have minded.

I was practically panting into her neck, feeling the tension rising and the ache procuring in my balls as I rubbed against her. I felt like a horny fucking dog, shameful and unrelenting, but not able to find the will to stop. I finally came again, stifling my groans into her hair and the pillow underneath us. My pants were just a little wet, as the second time around didn't really emit as much quantity as the first.

I felt disgusting lying there still against her, with cum in my pants that would eventually soak into the outside, transferring onto her back. But I decided it didn't fucking matter because I was so goddamn tired. Plus the fact that cleaning up would require moving away from her and that was an option I wasn't willing to explore. Quickly, I set my phone to vibrate at five am. I fell asleep with my arms around her, holding her tightly to my chest. I soaked it up…the feeling of embracing her, protecting her, keeping her warm and safe.

At some point, she nuzzled back into me, sighing sweetly. Her fingers laced through mine, squeezing as she sighed again, softer. I thought maybe she was dreaming, and I hoped I had a starring role in that dream. I was a light sleeper…I could sometimes hear my dad taking a piss across the house in his bathroom and it would wake me up. But having my hand in hers for the first time was just, sadly monumental for me. I had never felt this close to anyone before, in both the figurative and literal sense. Even the temporary pleasure of sex that I felt when I was with Tanya couldn't hold a candle to how I felt just simply holding Bella's hand. It made me want to cry at the beauty and the unfairness of it all.

By five, I had gotten a decent mount of rest when my vibrating cell alarm woke me. The room was cold, as the fireplace flames had gone out. Before I left, I pulled my hoodie from her grip, and slipped it over Bella's head, knowing she would miss the warmth cast off from my body when I was gone. It wasn't easy, but I managed to shimmy her arms into the sleeves with out her even stirring. She was practically comatose. It was no short of amazing how out she really was…and that was scary. Part of me actually wondered what would happen if I attempted to fuck her… would she even wake up?

I wasn't willing to test the theory out though. Not this morning, anyway. I slipped off the bed, kissing her forehead and then her lips gently before I left the room. Peeling off my now crunchy pants, I showered, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved blue tee shirt. I watched the clock, doing my hair quicker and with much less attention to detail than usual, and finally headed back up to the bedroom where Bella was.

I knocked softly before pushing open the door. She was sitting on the chest at the foot of the made bed, holding a framed photo of my brothers and me and my grandparents at their lake house. She glanced up when she heard me enter the room, smiling widely, her sleepy eyes sparkling. It made my entire goddamn morning.

"Hi," I said softly, sitting down next to her.

"Morning," she said back. She angled the picture toward me and I laughed, shaking my head. Me, Em, and Jazz dressed in little black tuxedos, with my gran and gramps trying to restrain us from getting dirty before the ceremony. "You are so adorable!" she squealed. "Was this taken at your parents wedding?"

"Yeah, my grandparents have a house on Lake Michigan. It's beautiful there. Mom and dad got married right on the lake at sunset." She nodded, smiling as she pointed to some of the white bows that were in the background from the ceremony. "Some day I'll take you there."

"I look forward to it. Are they coming for Christmas?"

"Uh, I think the plan is to go there this year, but…" I shrugged my shoulders knowing that if I had my way, I wouldn't be going anywhere near Chicago without Bella. "It's still in debate."

Bella nodded, looking a little sad. "Hey, did you come back last night? I woke up with your sweatshirt on and the bed was warm." She smirked, expecting me to admit that I slept with her.

I shrugged my shoulders innocently. "I know nothing. It was probably Emmett. He sleepwalks."

I rose, taking the picture from her as she mumbled, "Hmmmm, sure he does." I set the frame on the fireplace mantle with a chuckle. I suppose I didn't give her enough credit for being able to piece it together. Either that or my slick maneuvers were just sloppy.

She passed on breakfast when she saw my mom in the kitchen, waving quickly as she bolted out of the house and down the block. Jasper was eating a bowl of cereal at the kitchen island, talking with his mouth full.

"Alice said she'd go tomorrow, but only if Bella and Rose were going."

"Oh cool. So she doesn't hate your guts, then?" I asked, pouring myself a bowl of Organic Penguin Puffs, which was like shredded wheat and little fiber sticks with petrified raisins mixed in for color. "What the fuck is this shit?"

"Watch your mouth so early in the morning, Edward. I'm in no mood today." I cringed as my mother spoke icily from across the room. She was still dressed in her purple bathrobe, her hair was everywhere and she was obviously tired and in full on bitch mode.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "No, she definitely hates my guts, but she said she's willing to let me earn her forgiveness. I don't have a goddamn clue as to how I'm supposed to do that, but if she thinks I'm gonna fucking jump through hoops or something to get on her good side, she's in for a real goddamn shock. Jasper Cullen does hoops for no one."

"Buy her some flowers, and tell here she's pretty. That's a start." Esmom nodded into her coffee mug. "And stop cursing so much. You two sound like street trash."

We both rolled our eyes muttering apologies as we finished up breakfast and headed off to school. I aced my French, Calculus and History quizzes, and then met Bella at her Geometry class to walk her to English. When she walked out of class, I was sort of taken back by the sight of her. Her hair was down in big curls all soft and framing her face. She was wearing this outfit, that made her look like she was at least twenty five years old, and it didn't escape my notice that every guy was ogling her as she walked past. The top was the color of vanilla ice cream and was long and hung off one shoulder. She had matching leggings with knee high brown spiked heeled boots and this belt…it was beaded and sat on her hips with a long strand that fell between her legs.

She looked goddamn stunning.

"What's wrong?" she asked as I pushed off the wall to walk by her side. She noticed my expression, which I am pretty sure was half amused, half lust crazed.

"Nothing…you look fucking hot…I mean more so than usual." I licked my bottom lip unconsciously and her cheeks flushed pink.

"Don't do that."

"What?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Lick your lips. Your tongue…makes me …crazy." She breathed a heavy sigh, taking her seat in English. We spent the next three periods with me staring at her and deliberately licking my lips, and Bella, shaking her head and dropping her forehead in her palm out of frustration.

_Time for you to escape to the bathroom little girl. Two can play at this game. _

I had been so high strung the whole day, thinking about her naked breasts and the moans she was making the night before. Her words about not ever having an orgasm were repeating relentlessly in my head, and it bothered me. I had conflicting thoughts. First off, I felt sorry for her...then I felt sorry for _us_ knowing that it would be two fucking years before we would experience that together, the way it was meant to be shared. Then the panic set in. What if she didn't want to wait? What if she wanted to feel that with someone else?

I quickly put those thought out of my head and went back to my memories of her from the night before. I think I had officially found my "Happy Place."

Once we were alone in study hall, I hitched the heel of my shoe on the bottom rung of her chair and pulled her into my knees that I had spread open. Her eyes darted directly to my crotch, which by that point, my jeans were pretty much bulging. She looked up at me through her lashes so shy, yet so seductive, and scooted her ass to the edge of the chair, spreading her legs between mine. The tassel end of the beaded belt hung directly down her stomach between her thighs.

I leaned close to her, whispering, "You are so fucking beautiful, do you know that?" I began playing with the hanging beads twisting them into a braid. She gasped and I knew damn well that they were passing right along her pussy, exactly where her clit was.

"Stop E." She breathed heavily, as her eyes gently pleaded with me. She was turned on.

"I want to make you come," I whispered, my gaze burning directly into hers.

Bella's eyes fluttered shut, as her fingers gripped the sides of the chair.

"Not here, please…not here." I dragged the belt to the right and she whimpered. "E…no…"

"No, not here, Beautiful. I wouldn't do that to you, because you can't scream my name in here, and that's something I'm not planning to miss. But I can't wait to taste your…" As I was about to say, pussy, two Freshman computer nerds came noisily charging in, claiming the table next to us. Bella breathed a sigh of relief, while I gave them a dark stare.

"That table is taken," I said sternly.

The one with the serious case of acne whined, "But there's no one…"

"I _said _the fucking table is taken. Find somewhere else to sit." Bella covered her mouth with her hand as the two kids tore ass out of the alcove, shaking in their shoes. I looked back at her. "Where were we?"

"You were about to tell me you couldn't wait to taste my… something." Bella leaned closer to me, gripping the chair, one hand either side of her spread legs.

"Pussy. I want to taste your pussy. I bet it tastes like warm apple pie with vanilla icecream." Her breath caught and she whimpered again, shutting her eyes. I have no fucking clue as to where that came from, but I imagined that that's what she would taste like, nevertheless.

"Edward …what the hell are you doing to me?" she groaned, licking her lips.

"I want to prepare you for what's to come." I snickered at the double entendre, not really knowing specifically how I was going to help get her off, just that I was goddamn determined to do so. My fingers tugged on the belt again. Her body tensed up as the beads swept across the thin fabric of her pants. I slumped in my chair, shamelessly peering at her open legs.

"Are you wearing panties?" I asked. She exhaled a long shaky breath.

"Of course, why? Do you want them?" She gave me a wry smile, biting her lip shyly as she tossed her hair back over her shoulder. I nodded my head slowly. "Well, these are just a little bit…wet," she whispered. My cock stiffened and I groaned aloud, shoving my hand in my pocket to make a slight adjustment.

"Fuck."

The bell rang, forcing us to discontinue the playful teasing, but leaving us both flushed and frustrated. As I changed for gym with my hard on unrelenting, I hoped no one noticed. That was all I would need… rumors of me with a ginormous boner in the guys locker room. I seriously considered rubbing one out in the bathroom, because I was so wired and turned on it wasn't funny. Bella just kept giving me these shy glances while watching me taking my sexual frustration out on an innocent volleyball, and the guys on my team were pumped because I was kicking ass. I guess built up semen and lack of pussy in general was a healthy alternative to taking steroids.

Unfortunately, Bella announced that she was spending the remainder of the afternoon and evening with her father who insisted on helping her clean the mess in the basement. He also unexpectedly invited her to dinner with a few friends of his. She felt obligated to go, seeing as how she rarely spent time with him these days, and I was unfuckingbelievably disappointed because I really, really was looking forward to seeing her get off.

**~%~**

With boots in my hand, I sat out on the front steps, lighting a cigarette. It was a perfect fall day; the air was crisp and on the cooler side, but the sun was shining golden and the woodsy scent of a nearby roaring fireplace filled the air. I usually despised this time of year for some reason. It could be that my father insisted on having us spend an entire day raking up the fallen leaves, even though we had gardeners who could do that perfectly well and in much less time with those big leaf blowers they carried. Every year he gave the same speech...something about manual labor building character and work ethic and that it would make us better men…or some happy horseshit along those lines.

I think I disliked the fall so much because it was a sign that baseball season was coming to a close. The final professional teams are in playoff mode with the World Series only a few weeks away. When I was younger, I centered my life around the sport, hating fall and winter, and finding myself entirely too anxious for the first signs of spring. It was definitely different now. Now they had indoor facilities to take the edge off of players with the itch. I knew the itch. I understood the itch. Some days I still had that itch…and it was fucking bad.

It could have also been the fact that the girls started wearing much less clothing in the spring…so yeah, that was a big part of it too.

But today, as I puffed on my smoke, tugging at the laces on my boots, I watched Bella, Rose and Alice emerge from Bella's house. The three of them were dressed similarly, in flat heeled boots and heavy sweaters, carrying their coats over their arms. Bella waved at me, walking between her girls, her smile ear to ear. They were whispering something and giggling as they approached.

"Hey Edward," Rose and Alice called out.

"What's up girls?" I replied, squinting up to Bella as she hovered over me. "Hey, Beautiful." I tugged playfully on a long curl that had blown into her face.

"Hi Hotness, how are you? Can I have a drag of that?" Bella asked before she plopped down next to me on the step. I held the cigarette to her lips, feeling the warmth radiating from her skin on my fingers, wanting desperately to give her a kiss and taste her mouth. I sighed sadly, as she pulled away to blow the smoke out of her mouth.

The front door opened behind us, with Jasper and Emmett emerging. Greetings were made, and Bella and I watched amusedly as Alice pressed her lips tightly together, giving Jasper a brief and very curt wave, feigning indifference. "She's being aloof…and trying not to talk…she's nervous," Bella whispered. I nodded in understanding.

_Girls._

Jasper approached Alice looking like he wanted to kiss her cheek or something but he sort of moved around her as she skirted away from him. It was a very awkward exchange, as he sighed and nodded, looking for somewhere to put his hands.

"Hey does everyone have gloves? It's supposed to get down in the thirties later on." Emmett announced as he opened the trunk of his Rover, removing his football equipment piece by piece. Apparently, everyone had brought gloves except Bella, who was about to run back home for them. I smirked, whispering for her that I would be right back as I put out the cigarette on the brick. When I came back down, I handed her the glove and hat set I bought her that day at the mall. She recognized it immediately, her smile almost forlorn as she slipped on the hat.

"Thank you so much…this is so sweet, E."

I shrugged. "It's just a hat and gloves. But…I wanted you to have them, so…" She rocked forward on the balls of her feet suddenly throwing her arms up. I took a quick step back instinctively before she froze, her fingers covering her mouth as she gasped in realization of what she was about to do. And I knew right there is where she would have wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me.

She whispered, "Oh Edward. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I just shook my head and smiled, trying not to get upset about it and just blow it off, because that was the exact reason why I couldn't have her touching me in private. Some habits were just too hard to break.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Rose watching us. She seemed to have caught the whole thing and her eyes narrowed questioningly at the odd scene between Bella and me.

"Let's go guys," Emmett ordered, holding the truck door open. I looked at him incredulously, because how the fuck was I supposed to sit in the back seat of his car and keep to the fucking restrictions I had?

He covered immediately. "Uh…hey, I think I feel like relaxing a bit today. Edward, why don't you drive my car? Bella can sit up front with you." I nodded, silently thanking him, as I hopped in the driver's seat. Everyone piled into the back seat, Alice squealing and Rose complaining about being squished by Emmett's long legs. She clearly wasn't happy about the situation, and she continued to shoot me dirty looks when I caught a few glimpses of her in the rearview mirror. I just smiled at Bella, who sat back and enjoyed the sun in her face, while I played with the end of the silky scarf that was around her neck.

"What is this, anyway? Are you trying to hide a hickey or something?" I asked playfully, tugging on the end of the pretty fabric.

"Yeah sure…if I could give myself a hickey on my own neck I could join the circus." She smirked and swatted my face with the other loose end. It was so soft against my skin and it smelled like flowers. I imagined slipping it off her neck to tie around her eyes as I went down on her, cutting off her senses to heighten the experience. Not that I personally had any experience in that department, but I had seen enough porn to know that would be motherfucking hot. The thought of being between my beautiful girl's legs made me hard and I awkwardly shifted in my seat to get more comfortable.

After a very scenic and traffic filled hour long ride, we spotted signs for apple picking, pumpkins, hayrides and a haunted asylum attraction. I pulled the truck into a spot on the side of the road, and jumped out as everyone followed. We headed along the grass walk, to the entrance to the orchard, chatting noisily. I was really glad I wore my black boots, because the ground was muddy and I knew damn well I would have spent the day obsessing over my Nike's getting filthy. Not that it fucking mattered, cause I owned thirty five pairs of fucking shoes, but whatever, I hated being dirty.

We walked into the farm market to get our supplies for apple picking. It was pretty cool and smelled delicious, though it was a little hokey for my taste, but whatever. They were popping kettle corn and making homemade cider in one corner. A couple of rowdy kids were dipping apples into caramel in the other corner. And their poor parents were pulling their hair out in the middle. What possessed people into thinking having children was a good idea was beyond me.

I actually imagined trying to figure out how to spike the apple juice to get the kids to calm the fuck down for a second. I think we were the only six people under the age of twenty here unaccompanied by their parents. Shit… We were all either completely lame or completely pussy whipped. Wasn't all that difficult to figure out which.

Bella held onto the basket, walking ahead with Alice. The two of them began to skip arm in arm, and sing happily as Emmett pulled an apple off a nearby tree and tossed it Jasper's head. Not soon after, we were pretty deep into the orchard, the trees brimming with softball sized red apples. My brothers unleashed an all out war on each other, pegging heads with apples while the girls ducked and screamed. Which is why I was now beginning to understand the necessity of the big ass sign at the entrance that read, "All children must be accompanied by an adult."

I, of course, refused to participate in anything having to do with throwing round objects. Bella seemed to sense that I was feeling uncomfortable, hanging back with me. We walked side by side making fun of how immature they were and hoping that we wouldn't get kicked out. Fuckers. Bella and I could just act like we didn't know them. Besides, I still had the keys to Em's truck in my pocket and if we got kicked out, I was leaving their sorry asses there.

Bella was telling me about dinner with her dad, as she walked backward. Occasionally, I would pick an apple and toss it into her basket which she insisted on carrying, even though I offered. Secretly, I was glad, because holding a wicker basket filled with apples was just about the least manly thing I could be doing.

The arsenal of apples returned with a vengeance. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the apples flying toward us and I was able to duck just in time for one to nearly miss my head. Out of sheer instinct, I put my arm up to catch the orb hurling toward Bella's head at a pretty decent speed and knocked into her, sending her flying on her ass. All of the apples in her basket spilled out, as she lay prone on the wet grass underneath her.

"Shit, B. Are you okay?" I asked, kneeling down next to her. The horrified expression on her face quickly faded and she started to giggle. Knowing I really couldn't help her up, she sat up on her own and I began to fill the basket back up with the rogue apples. Emmett and Jasper approached from around the corner, yelling obscenities.

"You immature shit heads see what you did? Can you knock it the fuck off now?" I seethed, as Bella laughed again, muttering she was fine. Emmett held his hand out to her, assisting Bella off the ground. I looked down, feeling like such an asshole because I couldn't even help my girlfriend off the fucking floor after I had knocked her on her ass. Rose gave me another annoyed look before glancing away, which I replied with a small smirk. She ignored me.

With my brothers now calm, the six of us walked along together, Rose and Emmett hand in hand ahead of us. Jasper inched closer to Alice, talking sweetly to her as she played indifferent. It was really funny how she was able to keep the act going so long, because I would catch her giving Bella glances that clearly said she was about to fucking lose her mind with happiness regardless of how she was behaving to Jasper.

Rose and Emmett ducked behind a row of trees where they began to indiscreetly maul each other, complete with wet kissing sounds and moans. His hand was on her ass and her hands were tangled in his hair. Bella looked away, and I wasn't sure if it was because she was uncomfortable watching them or if she felt like shit because she was stuck in this fucked up situation with me.

Just as Jasper playfully slipped his arm around Alice's shoulder, I leaned over to her and whispered, "I'm sorry."

She knew immediately what I was apologizing for, responding, "It's not your fault. Don't apologize, E. I'm fine, really." But it was bullshit, and I knew she wasn't fine.

"Ooh there's some green ones!" Bella yelled excitedly, effectively redirecting the topic. They were up pretty high. She walked ahead, dropping the basket on the ground as she made a beeline for a nearby ladder. Just as she was about to carelessly walk under it, I snatched her jacket from behind, pulling her back. She turned to me, completely surprised and a little put off.

"Walking under a ladder, Bella…really? You don't think our luck is bad enough?" I explained my actions with a knowing nod.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Jeez E. I hadn't pegged you for the superstitious type." I shrugged, as I lifted the ladder up, carrying it back to where the apples were.

"Oh yeah, Edward is very superstitious. Especially when it comes to baseball," Jasper added. "This one time, he…" I glared evilly at his face which immediately caused him to pause and retract. "Never mind…stupid story. Come on, Al, I have something for you," he said, tugging on Alice's red sweater. He pulled out his silver flask and ducked between some trees.

_That's it Jazz…get her drunk and then she'll be nice to you._

Cringing, I watched Bella begin to climb the ladder. "Hey, Beautiful? Do you think that's such a good idea? Maybe you should let me get them?" My fingers wrapped around the metal frame as I watched Bella ascend up the rungs giving me an outstanding view of her fucking perfect ass all wrapped snugly in her skintight jeans. "Uh, scratch that…you keep climbing. I'll be down here, steadying the ladder," I snickered. She turned around, rolling her eyes and shaking her ass suggestively. I would have given my fucking right arm for a squeeze…or a bite.

As she stood on her tip toes, balancing on the metal step, my thoughts traveled back to the demented idea of putting her in danger in order to keep her safe. It was like a fucked up version of Munchausen's By Proxy Syndrome, only I wasn't making her sick for attention, I was intentionally putting her in harm's way so I could save her whereby inevitably having to touch her.

_What the fuck?_

However, irrational it was, I was fucking desperate, and it wasn't actually that bad of an idea…in my head. I tapped my fingers on the supports, debating whether or not I had the balls to go through with the world's worst plan and should just shake the damn ladder. When she turned around to smile at me, my eyes met hers and I playfully rocked the metal frame…just a little.

"Edward stop…I'm going to fall!" she squealed, not seeming genuinely scared though she was gripping the sides of the ladder for dear life. I continued to shake it, harder this time, until she began screaming and pegging my head with apples in retaliation. I stood at the bottom, rubbing my forehead as the apples rained down on me while she slowly descended the ladder, defeated. When Bella turned, her mouth was only inches from mine. We both sighed.

"Why did you do that?" she asked smirking.

"Cause if you fell, I could catch you," I replied, completely honest. She nodded, biting her lip.

I exhaled in her face. She brought a big fat green apple up to her lips and bit into it, the juice running down her chin. I snickered at the sight of her…it was like watching G rated porn. It crossed my mind to just bite the bullet and fucking kiss her, right there on the bottom rung of the apple picking ladder in the middle of the Sequim orchard. Who the fuck was going to see, or care, or…

But it would just open a can of worms that neither of us was prepared to handle. That was obvious by her untamed display of affection over the hat and gloves this afternoon. If she had a difficult time restraining herself from something like that, I couldn't imagine what kind of wild animal would bring out in her if we were to be intimate even in the most minute way.

"Bella, if I wasn't completely obsessing over the fact that you just bit into an unwashed apple full of pesticides and God knows what else, I would actually be really turned on right now," I whispered. It was a half lie, because despite the fact that I was most certainly obsessing, I was definitely aroused. She laughed, forcing the apple into my mouth. I bit into it regardless of its uncleanliness, smirking as I chewed and relishing in the idea that her saliva was all over it. Normally that would have grossed me the fuck out, as I never shared food, but not with Bella. I would fucking lick the inside of her mouth if I could.

She took another bite, resting her ass on the ladder step, as she opened her legs wide to accommodate me. I stood in the center of her, our crotches so close, I could actually feel the warmth of her body heat through my pants which were now completely bulging.

"Are you turned on?" she asked softly, batting her eyelashes. I simply nodded, taking another bit of the apple she offered. Bella whimpered a little, looking out ward.

"Come on down, I want to have a cigarette." I took the basket from her hand, watching to make sure she was okay on the last few steps. We walked and I lit a cigarette, giving Bella drags while we rounded up the rest of the fools.

I took the time to appreciate my surroundings- the rich colors of the changing leaves, the pale blue sky dotted with huge fluffy clouds, and the girl beside me that made everything fucking perfect…or as close to it as I was going to get. She looked at me and my heart stuttered.

Apparently, Alice was taking time to appreciate her surroundings too because she bent to pick up an acorn and sang, "I love the fall. All the little acorns look like tiny baby peen heads." The girls groaned covering their eyes, while Alice mused unaffected.

Jasper mouthed, "God, I love her."

"You got her drunk," I said flatly. "Nice first date, Jazz."

"No, she's always like this," Bella corrected. Rosalie nodded in agreement.

"What the fuck are we going to do with all these apples, anyway?" Jasper asked, swinging the overflowing basket in his hand.

Bella answered matter of factly, "I'm going to make pie."

"Oh are you, now?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Emmett cheered and did his famed apple pie dance, which was just a really lame attempt at the running man while he chanted, "Apple pie, apple pie…" I shook my head at his stupidity.

"Yup. Edward said he's been dying to taste my apple pie." She announced proudly with a smug grin. I stared back at her incredulously.

_Fuck._

After paying for the apples, we eventually made our way to the pumpkin patch across the lot. Each of us picked out a pumpkin, while Emmett was forced to drag the wagon, pissing and moaning about it the whole damn time. The sun was setting and even though we were all hungry, we decided that braving the haunted asylum thing before any of us had a large meal in them was the best choice.

We opted for hot apple cider and cinnamon donuts, enough sustenance to hold us over until we could get a real meal. The hot cups were welcomed warmth for our icy hands as the sun slowly slipped beyond the black tree lined horizon.

Bella and I fed each other our messy sugar coated donuts, earning dirty looks and irritated eye rolls from Rose. She was definitely pissing me off with her unnecessarily bad attitude, and I was going to make a point of either confronting her or Emmett to see what the fuck was up with that shit.

The haunted attractions were just a short walk down the road. After deciding we all would rather be high for the experience, the six of us ducked behind a tall row of cornstalks where I sparked up a joint that I had stashed in my cigarette pack. Everyone smoked up except Alice, who was convinced by Jasper that she would likely be paranoid and nauseous the first time she smoked, and those were not things any of us really had a desire to deal with. He whipped out his silver flask again with a smirk, holding it to Alice's lips and tilting to let her drink.

They seemed to be getting along a lot better as the night wore on. Alice softened her resolve a bit as Jasper showed her he could in fact, not be such a douche.

I sniffed the opening of the flask, recognizing it to be my mother's favorite spiced Caribbean rum. I put it to Bella's lips before I took a huge swig myself, trying to ignore that the opening had been on so many mouths prior to mine. The joint passed in one direction as the flask went around the other to meet in the middle of our formed circle. Once everyone was high, or sufficiently inebriated to whatever degree, we followed the eerie music and the canned screams toward the asylum.

Now, I wasn't one to be spooked or scared, and I enjoyed an occasional horror movie with the best of them, but this shit was freaky. The condemned hospital was surrounded by thick forest on three sides, fenced in by a black iron gate. The building itself was erected on a hill, lit from the inside with lightening and strobe effects along with haunting music that set the mood effectively. A few zombie looking characters were running around in straight jackets, one wielding a very fucking realistic chainsaw. The girls all shivered and giggled, while the guys feigned indifference.

Once we waited in line and paid the ridiculously overpriced entrance fee, we opted for the hayride toward the hospital as opposed to the long walk up the hill. We were all fucking stoned and useless by that point and just flat out lazy motherfuckers. We recognized a few familiar faces from Forks, as Tyler and Connor stopped to talk with Jasper. A very drunk and obnoxious Jessica, Lauren and Makenna were following behind them, stumbling and laughing in their annoying cackles. I didn't even make eye contact with any of them, just brushed past with indifference.

I noticed that Jess and Lauren were eyeing Bella up and down in their typical bitchiness, so I motioned for her to walk ahead with me, knowing that I didn't want her to be in their company after the library thing anyway. Alice came along as well, because I think the whole thing with Jasper and Makenna was just fucking awkward for her. Thankfully, they were on their way out and didn't keep the conversation up too long.

We boarded the tractor-pulled wagon one at a time. I made sure I was behind Bella, so that there wouldn't be an issue of me not offering her my hand when she hoisted herself up. Thankfully, Emmett took it upon himself to do that for all the ladies. Bella and I were the last ones on, forced to sit across from one another, which was ideal for me because I enjoyed the view immensely.

The tractor motor roared to life and we were on our way up through the dirt road through the woods. After a minute or so, the driver pulled out his mic and in an eerie voice, he narrated the tale of the haunted asylum.

"In the Winter of 1922, the old Hillside Sanitarium for the Criminally Insane was set for demolition. The facility, located on the little used Sequim Hill, which housed some of the state's most deranged and dangerously psychotic patients was being condemned and many in Sequim were very glad to see it gone. There were reports of hazardous, unfit conditions, unexplained deaths, and mysterious disappearances among the doctors and staff. The few who visited referred to the Sanitarium as the Devil's Dungeon.

"A transport bus carrying thirty-five of the most violently unstable patients to newer and more secure mental institutions never arrived at its first destination. A county wide search ensued and panic brewed in many neighborhoods for among the missing inmates were serial killer and arsonist Laurent Dread, and dangerous psychopath, James "The Ripper" Winters. Also mysteriously lost was the little girl, Cynthia Benson who experienced frightening visions and claimed that she could mysteriously foresee the future."

The driver's voice was convincingly terrifying. Bella giggled, while the other girls snuggled closer to their mates. It pissed me off to not be there for her like a normal fucking boyfriend would. She offered me a meek smile, and I knew she was feeling the same longing for my proximity.

"After a three month investigation several officers and blood hounds went missing. Finally, the local police found the transport bus, empty and severely burned, in the middle of Sequim Forest. The driver's body was found lashed to a tree. His head was found in another tree. The remains of four transport guards were discovered in an abandoned picnic area. Their bodies were hacked and slashed apart and arranged to spell the phrase "No One Gets Out." But none of the escaped patients were ever located.

"However, every now and then… one of the locals has reported sightings of a tiny dark haired girl wearing a straight jacket…haunting the woods." At that very moment, up on the hill lightening sounded and I swear a little girl with cropped hair in a straight jacket ran across the path giggling.

Rosalie and Bella both screamed. "Holy fuck, you guys saw that shit, right?" Emmett said looking completely freaked out. Alice ducked into Jasper's armpit, which for me, was the last fucking place I would go to find safe haven, but to each her own I suppose.

"Locals never venture into the area - never mention the place for fear of what may hear… and emerge. What really lurks among the trees and in looming shadows of Sequim Forest ? Could there truly be Evil In The Woods? And will you survive when you learn the truth? Do you dare enter or should you heed the maniacs bloody message… No One Gets Out!" The driver turned to look at us with an undead expression as he threw his head back and cackled ominously.

"Why does that sound so familiar? I think I'm having a weird deja vu!" Alice said softly as she peeked out from underneath Jasper's arm convincingly frightened. I watched Bella shiver in her seat, rubbing her gloved hands together. It fucking pissed me off, because even Jasper had his arm around Alice, keeping her snug in his embrace. And of course, Rose was back to shooting daggers at my skull with her creepy blue eyes, likely because of all the couples on the ride, I was the only one seemingly not comforting my girl, which ultimately made me a dick.

One of the couples, clearly having enough fright for the evening, jumped off the moving tractor and sprinted down the dirt path back to the entrance. As everyone shifted closer, effectively closing in the empty spaces, I was about to move next to Bella. Out of fucking thin air, a dead guy emerged from the woods, hopped onto the side of the wagon, grabbing Bella's shoulders from behind and holding his realistic, but artificial knife to her throat.

She screamed, shrill and terrified and I instinctively lunged toward the guy, not really knowing what the fuck else to do. Even though he was a prop, and his fake assault was supposed to be entertaining, Bella was ghostly white and shaking as the guy sadistically sneered at her.

At the same time I lunged, Emmett who was sitting right next to Bella, pulled his fist back and whopped the guy in the nose, causing him to fall off the side onto the ground. The pretend dead guy curled into a writhing ball yelling about his broken nose as the driver laughed and said, "Don't worry about it, it happens all the time!"

It was sort of chaotic from there on. Rose looked up at him with narrowed eyes filled with what seemed like anger as he ignored her and began to proudly dance around the wagon and belt out the theme song to Rocky. Another couple jumped off the back of the tractor, afraid of Emmett now, as opposed to the zombies. Alice was chatting nervously and Bella was just sort of stunned with her hands frozen around her throat.

"What the fuck, Emmett? I can take care of my girl goddamn it…" I sneered, sitting next to Bella who was still visibly shaken. "Are you okay?' I asked. Emmett and Rosalie began to argue quietly. He shot me an apologetic look as I gave him one back. I didn't mean to snap, but there were things I was still able to do and I resented the fact that he stepped in. I was the fucking hero tonight, not him..

Bella's head was down as she whispered, "I'm fine...just freaked out." Nevertheless, I could tell by the broken, breathy words and a cursory glance at her glossy eyes, that she was not fine at all.

I moved closer to her, whispering, "B…are you having an panic attack?" She shook her head vehemently with her hands covering her face.

"Oh God…yeah."

_Fuck._

I scooted into the corner of the wagon, leaning up the jutted sides. I grabbed the back of her coat, tugging her toward me and angling her so that she was sitting between my legs, not touching her of course. "Bella, listen to me, okay? You are fine. Take a deep breath through your nose and breathe out your mouth," I instructed. She did as I asked, but I could see it wasn't helping her. She glanced up at the rest of the crew who weren't paying much attention to us. I knew she didn't want to do this in front of everyone. It was embarrassing enough.

I needed to find a way for her to calm down and distract her from the anxiety. Since I couldn't touch her, rubbing her back was out of the question, which was what worked for me. I racked my brain as I watched her breathe quietly but erratically. She looked back at me with so much fear and shame in her eyes that it broke my fucking heart.

I leaned close to her ear, knowing she could feel my breath graze her skin. "Bella listen, keep breathing… I want to tell you something. Are you listening?"

She nodded meekly, her mouth open and gasping for air. She was getting worse and I couldn't allow that to happen. "Fuck…put your hand behind your back," I commanded. Bella wrapped her left hand around her back, where I slipped my right hand into her fingers grasping tightly. Her eyes closed as her grip tightened. My fingers found their way inside her glove where I pulled back the knit fabric and began to massage her palm. Bella turned her face toward me again, looking even more panicked.

"No one can see, Beautiful, don't worry," I whispered as she nodded. "I need you to listen to me, okay? Just focus on my voice. I wanted to tell you that um…"

Okay, so what I really wanted to say was that I was fucking in love with her. However, I hastily rethought that statement, knowing that having a fucking panic attack on a stupid haunted hayride was not the memory I wanted her to have of the first time I said those words to her. Therefore, I went another direction.

I asked, "What kind of injuries do ghosts get?" She shook her head, not really understanding that I was attempting a joke. "Boo boo's."

Bella continued to breathe in quick shallow gasps, not responding. Okay, so that wasn't working either.

"Uh…I didn't eat anything red until I was twelve."

Her eyebrows furrowed as she took another deep breath, quietly whispering, "Okay."

I continued to rub soothing circles in her palm with my thumb. Her skin was so warm and soft against my fingers. "And, um…I never ever take out library books because they have too many germs on them. You never know who's sneezed on one." In between breathing in through her nose and out of her mouth she chuckled.

My mouth was millimeters from her ear, and I could smell her all around me. It was sort of distracting, but I kept to the task at hand. "If there are two chairs next to one another, I have to sit in the left one…I don't know why, but I _have_ to."

"You are such a freak," she whispered, still breathing heavily. I could tell what I was doing was definitely distracting her though because she was speaking in full sentences and her breaths were less shallow.

"Yeah, I know it," I responded honestly because I was well aware of my many idiosyncrasies and truthfully, Bella was the only person I wasn't ashamed to tell those things to. "I uh…have a box of stuff in my closet that reminds me of you." I said that one quickly, not knowing how she would react to it.

"What's in it?" she asked as my circles continued in her palm. "That feels so good by the way," she breathed softly. Even though there was plenty of stuff going on around us…zombies and screaming and Emmett and Rose still arguing, frightened hayride passengers and the fact that we would be arriving at the haunted building in like two minutes… Bella and I were in our own world.

"Um…the wand and the empty bag of candy and the matches from the Indian restaurant in Port Angeles, um…your underwear…"

She gasped lightly. "You kept all that stuff?"

I nodded. "Is that stupid?"

"No, it's so sweet, E. I mean…I kept all that stuff too, but I didn't think you did too." Her face broke into a huge grin as she took another huge breath, and relief took over the terror on her face. It was working. "Keep going…"

I tucked a curl behind her ear and whispered, "The first time I met you I thought you were shallow and materialistic and totally not who you really are. I didn't like you at all." Her mouth hung open. "But I also thought you were really fucking hot and I couldn't stop staring at your ass." I shrugged at my admission while chuckling at the memory.

"I thought you were a spoiled bad boy with a shitty attitude and I didn't like you either," she whispered. I laughed aloud, which caused her to laugh lightly too. "But I thought you were so beautiful and I kind of wanted to lick your face." Bella shrugged then doubled over with laughter at my facial expression.

"You wanted to….lick my fucking face? And you call me a freak? What the hell B?" I pretend to be disgusted as I laughed with her. The color had returned to her face, giving her that beautiful pink hue that I loved. She was breathing normally. "Are you better now?"

"Yeah…it passed. Thank you so much." Bella took one last full gulp of cleansing air letting relief wash over her face. She looked at me and bit her lip. In our quiet corner the world was ours. It was another perfect yet wasted moment for me to have kissed her, as our faces were still so close.

"Do you want to know the real reason I call you B?" I whispered. I hadn't realized that my fingers were no longer rubbing circles in her palm, they were tracing hearts. "It's for Bee…utiful." I smiled shyly, as her hand flew to her mouth and she laughed sweetly. I wanted to fucking kiss her so badly, it physically hurt.

The tractor came to a full stop at the top of the hill were we were greeted by zombies and deranged dead doctors in lab coats all screaming their heads off and daring us to enter. Bella looked at me with panic and dread in her eyes. Hesitantly, I removed my hand from hers, standing.

"Guys, we're not going in, okay? We'll meet you down at the entrance." They looked at me questioningly, but said no more. Emmett and Rose walked on ahead, clearly in discord with each other. As Bella departed the wagon, Jasper held his hand out to her, helping her down after Alice. I just shook my head, disgusted with myself.

I lit a cigarette as Bella and I walked down the back way, away from zombies or dead doctors or creepy little girls. She was quiet, holding her arms crossed in front of her as if she were giving herself a hug. Just looking at her like that, drained of energy, still high and a little drunk, made me feel like complete shit.

We made our way down the path to Emmett's truck, where I started it up, clicking the heat on full blast. Bella still hadn't said a word since we departed the hayride, and I was wondering what was wrong. She just gazed out the window in silence.

I pulled up near the entrance, parking on the lawn between other cars and letting the engine idle. Leaning forward, I asked, "Bella, are you okay?" She shook her head, not looking at me. "Bella…B…what's wrong? Tell me."

Her voice cracked as she looked down into her lap, wringing her hands. "I just…feel so fucking stupid and …" She wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Shit." I reached over into the glove compartment looking for tissues. Emmett was a fucking slob. He had a slew of condoms, and like, seventeen packs of Sweet and Low in there, suddenly making him resemble my grandma. I don't think I had ever even seen him use the damn things in his coffee, ever. I finally found an old napkin, inspecting it for…whatever, and hoped it hadn't been used for anything disgusting. She blew her nose in it after wiping her face.

I shook my head in resignation. Leaning over to her, I whispered, "B, don't feel stupid. It happens, it's not a big deal and no one even knew." I brushed a lock of hair away from her face. She looked up at me, black eye makeup smeared all over her cheeks.

"This is so fucking hard, E." She waved her hand back and forth between us as a fat tear rolled down her cheek. "Cause most of the time, I think I can handle it, and then something like this happens and I just need to… _feel you_…"

The words sliced through me. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around her and crushed her to my chest, holding her as tightly to me as I possibly could. I hid my face in the top of her head and repeatedly kissed her hair. Her arms circled my waist tightly and I could hear her breathe in deeply, before sobbing softly into my chest. My fingers stroked her hair gently while I rubbed her back along the way down to the ends. It didn't even bother me that she was getting makeup all over my shirt. Hugging her was just…stupid, wrong…perfect, heaven.

_And, it was necessary._

She was hurting and I needed to comfort her. Though I knew I had just opened a metaphorical flood gate by doing this, what she was going through was shitty and she need to feel safe and loved. If I couldn't do that for her, what the fuck was my purpose?

"Edward…I'm sorry," she mumbled, her face still buried in my chest. "I shouldn't be pressuring you into touching me or making you feel guilty for not doing it, I just…" I shushed her and ran the pad of my thumb down her cheek. She looked up at me again without letting her embrace loosen.

"Bella, don't worry yourself over it. It's okay …" I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. It wasn't as though I had made a conscious choice to stay away from her, it was out of necessity to the restrictions I had placed on me. I fucking knew it was hard, I was feeling it every second that I was with her. "I know it's hard, but I have no choice. I don't want it to be like this but it has to be." She nodded against my shirt, hesitantly pulling away from me. My arms felt barren at her departure.

"I know," she sniffed, pulling away from me to blow her nose again. "It just really, really sucks."

"Bella, you do know that I'm not forcibly keeping you here. If you want to go pursue a normal relationship, then you are free to go at any time." I stupidly said out of sheer frustration. Before I realized it, I spoke the words without thinking of the consequences of the statement. But I meant it simply as a reminder that she had other options if she wanted them, if being with me- or not being with me was too much to handle emotionally.

She looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Do you really think it's that easy for me to just walk away and find someone else to pleasure me? God, Edward I had no idea you had the capacity to be such an asshole." She sat back in the seat with a huff.

"Bella, I didn't fucking mean it like that. I just know this is really hard and if you don't think you can handle it then you have an out, that's all. You aren't the one stuck in this fucked up situation, but I am."

"I'm not going anywhere," she said curtly, gazing out the window. "Not unless you want me to."

I stared at her for a while, cursing internally at myself for ruining the day with her. I was a fool to think she would just walk away because we couldn't be intimate, because I hadn't realized that she probably felt close or maybe even the same as what I felt for her.

"I'm sorry," was all I could muster up. "I don't want you to go…ever." She nodded, still turned away from me. Some fucking hero I turned out to be.

A sudden knock on the drivers side window made us both jump. The four of them climbed into the back, yelling about how great and how terrifying it was and how Alice smacked one of the patients in the face when he grabbed her.

Rosalie noticed that Bella was quiet, and when she began to fix her makeup in the dim lighted visor mirror she said, "Bella, why the fuck were you crying?"

Bella sighed, closing her compact. "I wasn't Rose, I'm fine. Just got something in my eye." But from the exaggerated huff that Rosalie gave as she sat back in the seat, and then the subsequent evil stares directed toward me, I knew she was going to say something to me about it. I just had no idea what the fuck to say back.

I pulled into a local chain restaurant and once we were all seated, the mood was just completely awkward. Bella was practically silent the whole meal, and Alice didn't shut the fuck up. She was high on rum and adrenaline, which Jasper seemed to feed off of. Rose and Emmett snapped at each other, clearly irritated at one another and me.

When I couldn't stomach the awkward tension anymore, I pushed my plate away throwing a few twenties on the table. "I'll meet you guys at the car."

I stepped outside to have a cigarette, stupidly expecting Bella to follow me out, but she didn't. I had just basically told her to get the fuck out if she couldn't handle the conditions and she was really hurt by it. What a fucking prick move.

When I was done smoking, I hit the bathroom, washing my hands before taking a good look in the mirror. I hardly recognized the person staring back at me. Who the fuck was I anymore?

Part of me thought that what I was doing with Bella was plain stupid. I mean, did I really think I could expect her to hold off on touching for two whole years? Was it even fair to her to ask a sixteen year old girl to remain abstinent and touch free for the best years of her life? Did I even think I was able to continue with my forced abstinence for half as long? No, no and fuck no.

We were together only a few weeks and already I had carried her up two flights of stairs, held her hand and hugged her. Not to mention the fact that I fucking used her as a humping post while she slept innocently and then lied to her about doing it. This plan of mine was not working. At all.

But at the same time, we both knew there was no way walking away would be at all easy for either of us at this point. Fuck...it was just an emotional day, and tomorrow would be better, right? It would get easier as time wore on. We would just need time to grow accustomed to the challenges this situation brought us, that's all. At least that's what I was trying to convince myself of and… failing quite fucking miserably at it.

I passed through the restaurant noticing that our table was now empty. With my hands in my pockets, I jingled Em's car keys heading toward his Range Rover. I heard voices…arguing voices…Bella's voice strong and defiant…but couldn't see bodies as I approached. They were gathered on the other side of the truck.

"Rose, it's not like that. He's… Just drop it, okay?" Bella said softly but with irritation.

Rose's voice was hushed but loud enough to hear clearly. "Bella, aside from the obvious of the way he looks, I don't get what you see in him. I mean, he's too fucking special to sit in the back seat so he has to drive Emmett's car? Bella went to hug him at the house and he steps away from her? No offense guys, I know he's your brother and all but he couldn't even fucking help Bella up into or out of the wagon and he never …touches her. Not even a fucking kiss. Is he ashamed of her or something? Cause this supposed abstinence bullshit is ridiculous."

"Rose, stop being such a bitch," Alice said quietly, her words slightly slurred.

"Oh shut it, Al. You know you have an opinion on this just as much as I do." Rosalie seethed, while Alice suddenly recoiled.

I leaned against the truck to listen to Bella's response only it was Emmett that spoke. "Rosalie, just cut it out okay? You don't know what you're talking about, so drop it." He was pissed. I took a deep breath and waited, not giving a shit that I was eavesdropping.

"No, I will not drop it. You've been coming to her rescue all day, being noble to Bella and I want to know why her boyfriend isn't doing that shit when mine is?" Rosalie spat.

"She's my brother's girlfriend; I can't be nice to her? Are you that insecure?" Emmett raised his voice.

"Oh, is that what Bella is to him…his girlfriend? Because he sure doesn't act like it. Bella, I know you moved here because you were hurt by a guy back home, and I don't want to see you go through anything like that here too. I'm not jealous at all, I just don't want to watch you get treated like shit, no matter who it's by."

"Rose, you should just stop talking now, seriously." Jasper huffed.

Rose was relentless. "Why am I the only one with issues with this the way he treats her…can't anyone see the he's a selfish asshole? He made Bella cry tonight!"

"Rose! He's not selfish at all…just stop please," Bella begged. I could her it in her voice that she was welling up with tears again.

By this point, I had had enough. I had completely come down off the weed and rum, and I was just feeling really shitty physically and emotionally. I rounded the corner of the truck, purposely looking like I had been standing there to witness the entirety of the conversation. Alice spotted me first coughing to alert the group of my presence. I hit the remote, beeping the doors open as everyone looked up at once. Faces fell, and Bella just looked away.

"Rose, there are three things holding me back from slapping you right now. One, is that I don't hit girls, two, is that you're my brother's girl and that shit isn't gonna fly with him, and three… knowing the real shit that Bella has been through in the last year, I have to say that I appreciate the fact that you are so protective of her. She deserves to have friends like you. But you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about as far as I am concerned." I brushed past them, climbing into the driver's seat, and turned on the engine. Everyone filed inside the truck after me in complete silence.

As I pulled out onto the highway, my fingers tapping agitatedly on the steering wheel were the only sound in the otherwise silent car.

"This is such bullshit," Rose muttered again after a few minutes. Everyone sighed. I took a deep breath, and prepared myself once again to tell the truth. It was the only way at this point. This time, it was easier because I didn't have to look anyone in the eyes.

"Hey Rose, you want to know what the real bullshit is?" I said curtly, glancing up at her through the mirror. Her head snapped up to meet my glare. "You want to know the reason you get to sit in the back seat of this car and I get to drive? It's because a year ago, when we were living in Chicago, I was falsely accused of date rape by a girl who was one of my best friends. I was given a restraining order that legally prevents me from any contact with females. Which is why I don't fucking date and everyone assumes I am gay…including you. So the reason why I don't offer my hand to Bella, or kiss her or touch her or do any of the things that I should be doing, shit that I fucking _want_ to do so badly it isn't even funny…and the reason why my brothers step in and do it in place of me is because if I do any of it, I'll go to fucking jail."

Alice gasped, muttering, "Oh no!" Jasper quieted her, whispering something incoherent.

"And yeah, I am abstinent. Not because I fucking want to be… because believe me there's nothing in this entire goddamn world that I would love to experience more than being with Bella, but because I have no choice in the matter. And the truth? The truth is that Bella is more than I deserve and I fucking know I am so fucking fortunate to have this girl who patiently deals with all my shit when she could have anyone she fucking wants but she chooses to be with me…the shitty boyfriend that I am. So there…there's your bullshit. Just do me one favor and keep it to yourselves, because I am already the school freak and I don't think I can handle anymore shit on top of what I am already dealing with, okay? Thanks."

I looked straight ahead as the car continued to remain silent. In my periphery, I could see Bella gaping at me incredulously, but I momentarily disregarded her so I could calm down and get my bearings.

"Is he fucking serious?" Rose asked softly.

"Yeah, he is," said a chorus of three.

"Shit. I'm…sorry Edward. I had no idea." I could hear the genuine remorse in Rose's voice.

"Apologize to Bella…she's the one you've hurt," I snapped

"Bella…" Rose started, gently leaning forward to touch her arm. Bella turned and laced her fingers in Rose's, immediately accepting her apology.

Emmett consoled Rose quietly as I put my hand on the center console tapping my fingers absently on the plastic and metal. I felt Bella's soft scarf brush my hand and I grabbed the end loosely in my fingertips, connecting us once again. I gave Bella a smile, telling her silently that I was okay because by the look on her face I knew she was concerned. My sweet girl…

The rest of the ride home was silent save for the music from the radio. I looked up once and through the rearview, I could see Emmett hugging Rosalie because she was crying softly. I wondered if it was because she felt bad about what she said, or if it was because she felt sorry for Bella having to endure this shit with me as the person she chose to be with. Alice had fallen asleep in Jasper's arms and for the first time in a long while, he looked content.

The second half of the day was a fucking mess. All I wanted to do was climb into bed and sleep the fucker away. I just hoped it was something that could be remedied and moved past and that Bella was the type of person that was forgiving.

It was late when we got back to Forks. We emerged from the car, loading the pumpkins and apples into the garage. Rosalie didn't speak to me again nor could she look me directly in the eyes, so Em just drove her home, while Jasper and I walked Bella and Alice down the street to their respective houses. Jasper and Alice talked for a while out front before she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. Bella and I didn't say too much to each other, just shared a cigarette and some shy, tired smiles.

When I got home, I showered and got into bed exhausted, turning on the television. Shortly after, my phone buzzed with a text from Bella.

_**Thank you for today. That was the best hug I have ever had. Sweet dreams. B.**_

I sent one back._** Thank you for letting me take care of you. I am so fucking lucky. E.**_

And I knew that we would be okay for a little while longer.

**~%~**


	18. Chapter 18 Everything

**Thanks to the usual suspects, Becca and Suzy, kisses ladies, and to the girls on the thread and to all of you reading and reviewing. ****no further plot progression. **

**Bella's 'vintage' shirt is on my profile.**

~**High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 18~ Everything**

Find Me Here, Speak To Me  
I want to feel you, I need to hear you  
You are the light that's leading me  
To the place where I find peace again.  
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.  
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.  
You are the light to my soul.

You are my purpose...you're everything.  
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.  
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.  
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.  
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

Everything~ Lifehouse

**~Bella~**

When I finally came in that night, I showered and changed into my pajamas. I sat on my bed with my legs crossed just…thinking… contemplating…obsessing. This day was so fucking weird. Over and over I played the events of the day through my mind, picturing the day through visions as if I were viewing a film.

I saw myself receiving the very sweet gift from Edward of the hat and gloves and making a disastrous mistake of attempting a hug without thinking… and his face…slightly horrified with a touch of disapproval. I reminisced about picking apples and making overt sexual innuendos on the ladder, while laughing and having an almost flawlessly wonderful day until the goddamn zombie dude had to fake knife me and set off a panic attack…and then how Edward brought me down from it so easily with admissions of his secrets and idiosyncrasies… hot breath and sweet words in my ear with warm fingers tracing shapes on my palm…

And to my complete astonishment and delight, he secretly held my hand through it all and then furnished me with the best hug known to any woman in the history of unallowable embraces. It was so beautiful and sweet and wonderfully poignant for us both.

But then he had to ruin the whole fucking thing by being an asshole. I rolled my eyes at the admission. Imagine that…a guy being an asshole...

I suppose I was a bit harsh in my instant accusation upon hearing the words he spoke with such nonchalance. But I was insulted and hurt to say the least, at his seemingly thoughtless statement. Did he not realize the lengths I would go in order be his? Did I not make my intentions perfectly clear? I was prepared to withstand normal relationship parameters for two whole years just to be by his side, and he thought that I would simply walk away because I needed to get felt up?

_Stupid boy.__ Stupid fucking boy._

My first reaction was utter hurt when he said the words because I thought maybe to him, the depths of what he felt for me were shallow at best. He clarified his statement by saying he was simply reminding me that he was the only person in our relationship forced to abide by the rules of non- permissible contact, and that I was free to live a life within typical teenage norms- making out, dry humping, gratuitous breast gropes and non self inflicted orgasms. Free to live a life without him.

However, those things… things I desired in a capacity that was incomprehensible… I wanted them with Edward, and Edward only. The thought of having another boy 's hands on me was repulsive, and I would contentedly wait two years until it was Edward Cullen's fingers and mouth and boy parts inside of me, filling me, satisfying me, causing me to scream his name aloud until my toes curled.

Because I loved him, truly and deeply. And I would wait…because he was worth it.

I was put off by the whole end of the night, just pissed and irritable. However, right before I shut the lights I texted Edward remembering how his face was so sad, and he was chewing on the inside of his mouth absently, obviously feeling shitty for hurting my feelings and ruining our moment. I needed him to know that I appreciated what he did for me, even though what he said afterward upset me.

And his reply made me feel a million times better. _**Thank you for letting me take care of you. I am so fucking lucky. E.**_

So I snuggled into my covers, as per my usual routine.

_Dear God, _

_If the story at the hayride held even a shred of truth, please let those ghosts and lost spirits find their way back home to wherever they belong…especially the little girl. She freaked me the hell out. Ooops sorry. Um…please watch over my family and my friends and please help Jasper and Alice's relationship along. They seem to be doing okay, but they might need a little divine intervention, if you know what I mean. Also, please help Edward to forgive Rosalie. I know she can come off harsh sometimes, but she was just trying to be a good friend. And thank you for letting Edward give me that hug today. I really needed it, more than I can even explain. Kiss him goodnight for me and fill his dreams with happiness and love._

_Amen._

I refrained from having any fantasies and I slept like shit that night.

When Rosalie's phone number popped up in the identification screen on my cell the next morning, I almost didn't answer it. I knew she was probably still feeling shitty about what happened, but in truth, I wasn't mad. It was Edward's words that made me realize that I did have true, good friends in both Rosalie and Alice; friends who would be so protective of my happiness and well being that they would voice their unwelcomed opinions to a person they considered unstable and…hostile. I knew they were both admittedly afraid of Edward, which was highly absurd from my point of view, but not as ridiculous from a person that didn't know him as well. He could come off as very intimidating.

"What kind of cigarettes does Edward smoke?" she asked curtly.

I furrowed my eyebrows at her odd question as I lay back down onto my pillows. "Huh? Oh, hey Rose," I replied with morning scratchiness in my voice. My alarm clock read 9:17 in the morning. Doesn't anyone sleep in anymore? I cleared my throat. "Why do you ask?"

Rosalie sighed. "Well, because if _he_ had gone and insulted _me_ yesterday, I would expect flowers from him or something as an apologetic gesture. But since I can't see Edward finding much appreciation in a bouquet of roses, I want to give him something that shows my remorse or whatever for judging him. And I'll be damned if I buy him something designer from Sak's before I buy myself something from there…that boy has some expensive fucking taste!"

"Well, Rose, nothing says I'm sorry like a box of Marlboro Lights. It's very thoughtful of you, but I don't think it's necessary. I'm sure he's already over it." I wasn't sure at all, but I wanted her to feel better nonetheless. "He does like M&M's."

"Yeah, well, Emmett's not over it. And since we're all going over there tonight to carve the stupid pumpkins or whatever, I need this shit to be squashed. I think also, that it took a lot for him to admit that stuff to us last night. I'm really sort of stunned by it because, this has to be so fucking hard for you….for the both of you. Why didn't you say anything to us before, Bella?"

"Rose, I couldn't betray his confidence and…you guys had already formed so many opinions on him and whether or not he was gay and dangerous that I don't know…Edward is who he is and I think he's great, so the fact that he has a situation is kind of…well, it sort of doesn't even matter to me all that much," I responded in part truth.

"How the hell can it not matter to you? Your own boyfriend can't kiss you. How can that not bother you?" Her voice screeched. I held the phone away from my ear protectively, wincing at her sharp octave.

"I didn't say it doesn't bother me, it fucking sucks monkey balls to tell the truth but it's just that…I don't have much of a choice now. The way I feel about him… I'll take whatever I can get from him."

Rosalie gasped. "You love him, don't you? I mean love him love him!"

I giggled and rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I think I do Rose… I think I really do love him. But we haven't said that to one another yet, and honestly, I have no idea if he feels that way about me so don't go running your big fat mouth to Emmett."

"Well, let him say it first. You hold out for it, okay? Promise me!"

"I promise, Rose. Why am I the only one promising things here? You promise not to say a word…to anyone. Has Emmett said it to you yet?"

"Okay, okay, I promise. Not yet, sometimes I feel like he wants to but he just doesn't. I think he's waiting until we _do it_ to say it."

"You guys haven't _done it_?" Now I was the one screeching.

"Nope, and not for lack of me trying. He wants it to be all special, not like, in the back of his car or anything. We're waiting for the right moment or location or whatever."

"That's actually really sweet, Rose. Em is a good guy, such a gentleman. I bet his mother is very proud."

"Yeah, I guess. Em is very thoughtful with me. I'm lucky." I nodded silently, knowing that she really was blessed in all aspects and that she would probably never truly appreciate that. But who was I to judge?

As we continued to talk, Rose admitted that she thought we were having a fight on the hayride, when in reality it was the exact opposite. She sounded genuinely remorseful for passing judgment on Edward and I thought it was really mature of her to want to make sure that there was no animosity between them.

We talked some more about my situation and some of the things Edward and I did in place of touching, though as of yet, there wasn't a great deal to discuss. Her astonished reaction sort of made me feel like the star in a freak show, or some weird charity case, but I knew it wasn't intentional. That was just Rosalie... she saw things as very black and white whereas I was all about exploring the many shades of gray areas.

But she did clue me in on the fact that dirty talk was key to a man's loyalty, as was sex, though we agreed in my case it would have to be mutual masturbation with some creativity in that department. She was all too wiling to school me in the finer ways of the art of seduction, and truthfully, I was grateful for the extra help. I mean, I was fully aware that could navigate the ways to Edward's crotch pretty easily, because he was sixteen and a boy and compulsory abstinent, and I don't think he was all that discriminating when it came to fulfilling his urges.

_Let's face the facts…the boy was gonna get it however he could._

However, I wanted to make certain that since we couldn't touch, I could keep him satisfied in that way. I knew teenage boys were fickle with short attention spans, and it terrified me that Edward would grow bored of two years of nothing but talking. Not that I thought he would attempt to find it elsewhere, because the same result would follow him to whomever he chose to "be with." He couldn't "be with" anyone, really.

The thing that loomed darkly in the depths of my mind was the fact that he wasn't permitted to be with a female minor…_minor_ being the choice word there. He could easily find some eighteen year old to be with in a heartbeat…and that fucking petrified me.

As I expressed my fears about the situation to her, I found that I was legitimately shocked that she would be supportive and sympathetic. She promised to make sure I kept Edward happy but she reminded me that it was my responsibility to make sure I was happy as well and that I shouldn't compromise my needs or wants for him or because our relationship was so confined.

All of my needs and wants included Edward and no one but, so it didn't even occur to me that I would be compromising…just waiting until he was able. Besides, I really wanted to be with him physically, so it wasn't as though by trying to "please" him, I was doing something I was uncomfortable with just to hold onto him. This was my choice as well as my desire.

I looked at it this way- if I wanted to remain a virgin until I was eighteen or whatever age, then I would expect that he would respect my conditions as well. It was the same thing, only slightly more restrictive.

I hung up with her an hour later, somewhat exhausted but relieved at the help and support I had from her. After I showered, I dressed in yoga pants and a long sleeved tee shirt before heading downstairs. I ate the delicious chicken Caesar salad that Maggie made for us while trying my best not to get pissed that it was almost noon and Edward hadn't called yet.

I so did not want to be one of _those _girls that played head games and acted all self righteous and stupid when it came to boys…but I couldn't help it. Our relationship was still so fragile and new and undefined, and my insecurities and fears escalated all the unknown. It made me tired and anxious to think about it.

While I ate and made small talk with dad and Maggie, I was trying not to feel weird that Maggie had not only made me lunch, but had slept over again. Eating her lunch made me feel a little like I was betraying my mother, especially since nothing she ever cooked was half as good as the salad.

I mean, I was fully aware of what my dad and Maggie did in his bedroom and while I was glad he had his own life it was all just so …scratch my eyes out- douse my brain in bleach -ewwww.

Besides, I was little annoyed at Charlie on top of it. He insisted on helping me clean up the mess in the basement on Friday, even though I told him I was perfectly capable of doing it myself. It was actually kind of nice, being able to hang out with him while doing something productive. It was rare that I didn't have to fumble and rack my brain for things to talk about with him. I didn't fish, nor did I follow sports, and he wasn't into shopping or Edward Cullen, so other than the weather, we were at a loss as to amiable conversation.

He always seemed so strange around me, almost as though he felt weighted with guilty feelings or something. I didn't quite get that, but did my best to ignore it anyway and just try to have a decent relationship with him, free of typical teenage daughter/ overprotective father weirdness.

After the mess of glass was thoroughly cleaned and the contents of the fallen shelf back in their respective places, I finally found the old family picture I had been searching fruitlessly for in the storm. When Charlie took a look at it, the expression on his face made my heart lurch.

"That was a nice day," was all he had said about it. I nodded, not remembering the specifics of that day, but feeling sad at the little spark of nostalgia that flickered in his eyes.

Amongst the many boxes of crap, I found some treasures. Amid the riches was a great black leather picture frame, perfect for the picture of Edward I had. I also found a bag of my mom's old clothes, in which this fantastic purple shirt that apparently was like a good twenty years old was hidden in.

When I picked it up, I gasped aloud, turning the shirt toward my father's direction so he could see the silver writing on the front. He laughed, explaining the entire story behind the phrase, while singing a verse from the song lyrics that it apparently derived from. I laughed my ass off at him while he did the dance that accompanied said song, not realizing that not only did my father was a gifted rapper, but could bust out some old style dance moves.

He must have been fun in high school. I think I saw a little glimpse of what my mother saw back then, and what Maggie saw now.

I asked him about the unopened paint cans in the corner of the basement. He informed me that the six cans of Pepto Bismol pink paint were intended for the tree house when it was first built, but that he never seemed to get a day without rain to actually carry out the task. While I wondered if the boys would have inhabited the house had it been pink, my father mumbled something about getting rid of the damn thing all together. I gasped aloud, protesting vehemently, to which he held his hands up in defense and dropped the subject. The tree house was all I had left of my childhood, and it held too many memories of my short return back in Forks with Edward.

Anyway, later on that night, he conned me into going out to dinner with him and Maggie and a few of their friends. I never, ever would have agreed to it, had I known I was going to be used as a sacrificial virgin offered up to the highest bidder. As it turned out, Charlie was trying to work out a business deal with this man Mr. Uley, who was not only a friend of his, but also owned a great building in a prime Seattle location in which Charlie wanted to rent space from. The space was being bid on by several interested parties, and Charlie obviously thought wining and dining the guy would help seal the deal. Oh, and using me to entertain his stupid kid like some kind of deranged matchmaking scheme.

Mr. Uley brought his wife and fourteen year old son to dinner, and I was stuck making small talk with the stupid kid who couldn't make eye contact with me, smelled like meatballs and patchouli and talked about nothing but The Harry Potter franchise all night. I found myself mesmerized by the bits of food stuck in his braces and the way he had no idea that it was completely disgusting to talk with his mouth full. Needless to say, it wasn't pleasurable. At all.

So I was sort of pissed at Charlie for omitting the fact that I would be forced to be the stupid kid's entertainment for the evening, though he swore he had no idea the stupid kid was even coming. I was surrounded by deceit and lies…

So in light of that, apparently Maggie felt badly that I had been duped and prepared lunch, which was damn good. I asked her if she had a quality recipe for apple pie and she promised to email me her grandmother's secret recipe. I left after that, heading to Port Angeles for a party. Though it was a bit chilly, the sky was an unbelievably clear shade of blue, seeming even brighter and more vibrant by the wash of deep reds and oranges of the changing leaves against the horizon. Two gorgeous days in a row…unfathomable.

On the way, Edward called, still sounding sleepy and warm in his bed with the covers wrapped all around his beautiful half naked body. Just the thought of him in a state of undress made feel tingly and stupid and all smiley.

"Hey, Beautiful," he said groggily. "How are you feeling? Why didn't you call me before you left?"

"I am feeling fine and I was waiting for you to call me first."

"Well, I was fucking sleeping so how could I call you?" He sounded a little irritated. "Don't play that game with me, B. If you want to call then just call. I was all sad that I didn't have a message from you when I woke up."

I smiled, silently "aawwwing" to myself. "Are you naked right now?" I asked, trying my best to sound sexy, but I don't think it was at all effective.

He laughed, his voice suddenly bright and cheery. "Um, no but I will be in two minutes when I get into the shower. Wow, someone's horny this morning." In the background, I could hear the sound of water as it gushed through the spray of the shower head.

_I'm horny all the time, Edward. You're just noticing this now?_

Things stirred down below. A lot. I may have even checked down below to make sure my cootch hadn't spontaneously combust into flames. "Ummmm…I can picture you right now…all naked and sleepy with your hair a crazy mess. Tell me what you're doing right now."

His breath caught and instantly, Edward purred for me... a low growl emanating from his chest. The change in his voice was just like it was when he almost made me explode in the library, silky smooth and seductive, low and deep; a killer seducing its prey. "Mmmm, I just took off my pajama pants and now I'm leaning my forearm arm on the glass shower door…"

_God help me._

_He's leaning…naked._

"Oh, your naked and leaning…I love when you lean on stuff," I breathed cringing, because while it was true that I did cherish a good lean, it was a weird thing to admit.

He chuckled again, sighing. "Yeah? God, you're strange. I'll have to remember that."

"Are you going to…you know….in the shower?" I asked softly, making the turn onto Main Street.

"Yup," he responded definitively. "Why do you ask?"

"Um…cause I can't wait to watch you again," I responded softly. Now, where I got that from, I don't know, but it was as if my cootch was on autopilot and some sort of alien had taken over my speech functions. Edward naked did that to me, I had no excuses.

"Fuck, Bella," he breathed, with a smooth hissing sound. I could almost feel his hot breath wash over me. "I want to watch _you_…fuck…I want to do more than watch…I want to _make_ you come and hear you moan and…fuck." I could hear his breathing change into staggered little puffs as if he were suddenly engaging in some sort of physical activity. Then I realized that he had a little problem and he was… taking care of it right then.

"Are you touching yourself?" I asked, with slight disbelief, yet I knew the obvious answer.

"Uh, yeah."

"Do you want me to let you go?" I asked, slightly irritated. The heat and ache in my girlie parts was increasing steadily.

"Yeah…no…stay…talk to me."

As I drove past Billy's store front, the spaces along the street were all taken up, with what I assumed was Halloween shopping traffic. "Okay, hold on a sec, I'm pulling into the parking lot."

I pulled around back, sliding into the lot near Jacob's deserted shop, where I turned the engine off. I had ten minutes until I was due to arrive at work, and I thought whimsically that I might as well make use of my time.

"Okay, I'm parked. What do you want me to say?" Edward's breathing was definitely labored, small barely audible grunts and whimpers coming from the other end of the phone.

"I don't know…are you alone? Can you…touch yourself too?"

I looked around cautiously. The lot was desolate save for a few expensive cars, empty of drivers. I assumed because of the high end models, they were cars that needed to be worked on and whatnot, and not simply parked there while their owner's shopped. I slumped down in my seat, cradling the phone to my left ear, while slipping my hand into my pants. I was really wet, and Edward's little noises on the other side of the phone were the reason.

A brief but random thought ran through my head about getting electrocuted while on the phone and having my hand in wetness, because with my luck I would be the first person to have that happen to, and just the though of having to explain to Charlie why I was all charred made me shudder.

_Note to self: get a Bluetooth and tinted windows... _

"Mmmmm…" I breathed, hitting my spot just so. I made small passes back and forth with my middle finger, as I threw my head back, my whole body tensing with the euphoric pleasure.

"Fuck…are you seriously touching yourself right now, Beautiful?" Edward's voice was deeper than usual, but smooth as silk.

"Yes," I whispered with one eye open. As excited and turned on as I was, I couldn't help but feel dirty and depraved and a little bit skanky for masturbating in an auto garage parking lot minutes before I had to go perform Sesame Street songs to a million little kids in a fucking Elmo costume. God, I hoped there weren't cameras back there.

"Oh God, that's so fucking hot," Edward moaned. "Are you wet?"

I stifled a giggle. It wasn't humorous at all, but I was still really amateur at this. "Very, very wet. I'm imagining it's your fingers, E. And your mouth and…"

"Baby, I can't wait to fucking go down on you and taste you on my tongue. I'm gonna suck on your nipples, and lick them and bite them until you moan and scream…" By the sound of the broken pants that accompanied his speech I could tell that Edward was getting pretty busy back home. He was close.

_Note to self: get E a Bluetooth too._

I sped up my strokes, bringing my knee up so that my foot was on the seat, to gain better access to the area. It felt really, really good, much better and more intense than normal. My eyes were shut, imagining Edward doing the things he was narrating to me while I was naked underneath him and watching his tongue swirling around my nipples as he kissed lower and lower…

"Fuck...I'm gonna cum," he said with urgency.

"That's it Hotness…come hard for me." I cringed stifling a laugh, while feeling completely stupid about the dirty talk, as I didn't know if what I was saying was any good. But Edward grunted and cursed, and I assumed I did well regardless. While he finished, I continued to touch myself in vain. Though it felt so damn good, I would need a lot longer than three minutes to find an orgasm.

Edward was quiet on the other end except for breathy pants, and I was listening to him, trying to picture his face all blushed and covered in sweat. God, I wanted him…

Lost in my fantasies, I thought I heard a familiar voice in the distance and peeked up through the windshield. "Oh shit! I gotta go!" I clicked the phone shut tossing it on the seat while I ducked lower, pulling my hand out of my pants in haste as the voice outside grew louder.

_Fucking Jacob!_

Jacob was walking toward my car, dressed in normal guy clothes with his cell phone in hand chatting away. My fingers were sort of…sticky…and I looked around frantically for something clean to wipe them on. In the back seat was Edward's sweatshirt, freshly washed and folded, waiting its proper return to him. Cringing and shaking my head, I wiped off my hand on the sweatshirt, feeling completely disgusting about the whole thing, and not able to find much humor in the situation.

Jacob rapped his hand against my window three times, smiling his big toothy grin at me. I pushed open the door and hopped out, hoping he wouldn't be able to recognize the scent of recent teenage lust activities of dirty talk and front seat masturbation.

"Hey, what's going on, Bella? Were you taking a little nap there?" He nodded to the front seat chuckling as I fidgeted nervously.

"Um, hi Jake." I stepped forward to meet his awaiting hug. "I was just talking to my boyfriend." My phone rang inside the car. I grabbed the phone off the front seat knowing it was Edward before it even rang.

I could hear his voice, irritated and worried on the other end as I picked up. "I'll call you back in ten minutes," I said quickly to him, before snapping the phone closed. Something deep down in the pit of my stomach gave me the distinct feeling that he would be pissed about me hanging up on him while he was having an orgasm to talk to another guy. Not going to be happy about it…at all.

"Boyfriend, huh? Would I know him?" he asked with a skeptical eyebrow raised.

"Uh, no, probably not. He's my age and his family only moved here less than a year ago. So, what are you doing here on a Sunday? I thought your shop was closed?" I asked, clicking the alarm remote and walking toward Billy's while Jacob strode alongside. I had forgotten how tall he was- taller than Edward even.

"Came to look for a costume for Saturday," he said with an air of impatience. "I have a party to go to and I can't find shit to wear. My friends are all going as fucking werewolves…" he shook his head and rolled his eyes.

I chuckled. "Creative," I joked. "I still have to find a costume myself."

We entered through the back entrance together, Jake holding the door open while I slipped under his arm. I waved to Billy, grabbing the clipboard off the wall with the party information and scowling. _First birthday party at the Port Angeles Knights of Columbus Hall._

It _was_ Elmo…dammit.

I still had some time, as the event location was literally five minutes away, so Jacob and I looked through the costumes together. He put on this great black hairy gorilla mask and jumped out from behind one of the aisles as I was inspecting a hideously tacky blue stewardess costume. I screamed and moved to slug him in the arm but flinched back before I could make contact. Then he attacked me from behind tickling me until I was in a little ball on the floor begging him to stop.

And that was weird.

For one, I already had begun to condition myself against the necessary precautions and restrictions Edward's situation required. After his reaction when I moved to hug him involuntarily on Saturday, I told myself over and over that I had to be more cautious and discriminating with my sudden movements, affectionate or otherwise. While I was somewhat oddly proud of myself for automatically showing restraint with Jacob, I felt really disheartened at the same time. And this thing with Jacob tickling me… while completely innocent and genuinely brotherly in nature, made me feel like I was cheating on Edward. It felt so wrong.

_I let another guy touch me._

_That shouldn't be an issue, should it?_

He noticed my sudden discomfort, and moved away back to the masks, while I searched the more expensive section of the racks for something else. The cheaper, traditional costumes were slim pickings and I was growing weary that we would never find anything. Then, shiny black satin trimmed in rich red speckled with black dots caught my eye. It was shoved back in between some other dresses thankfully, so no one had snatched it up. I pulled the little dress off the metal rack to examine it closer. Though the flouncy little skirt with layers of black netting was quite wrinkled, and one of the wings was bent, the outfit was absolutely adorable…and expensive, but sweet nevertheless.

Jacob came back a few minutes later holding up a white cotton jumpsuit against his chest while poking me in the thigh with a long plastic tube.

"This is cool, right?"

I looked at the costume still on its plastic hanger while gasping aloud, and I knew instantly that it was perfect.

"No…it's perfect. Give me that!" I snatched it away from him to gape at the costume, while I ran my fingers over the lettering printed on the front. I whipped my phone out and made Jacob hold the costume up against him so I could take a picture. He protested with a scowl, but I ignored him. I sent the picture to Edward (sans Jacob's head) with a text:

_**Sorry about before. Would you wear this?**_

Two minutes later he responded**, **_**Depends on what R U wearing**_

I handed Jake my phone instructing him how to take a photo. Pulling down my shirt to reveal a little cleavage as required by the cut of the dress, I held the dress to my body, letting the rich satin corset form around my boobs. Jake's eyes almost popped out of his head.

"Shut it, perv and just take the damn picture." He took it, I sent it.

Two minutes later, Edward replied with a text:

_**Shit that's fucking hot. Happy Halloween B.**_

I paid for the costumes using my generous employee discount, smiling at the thought of how sweet we would look.

Jacob was a little miffed about me stealing his costume, and then resigned to just being "a stupid fucking werewolf like the rest of the douches." I shrugged my shoulders, not caring about any of that, just pleased about my own finds.

Jake helped me to the car with my bags and the horrendous, stinky red Elmo costume. He asked me to dinner again, which after reminding him like seventeen times that I had a boyfriend, I politely declined. I had the feeling, however, that it wouldn't be the last of his efforts to take me out. I shook my head thinking that I was fucking sixteen years old and he was a hot, successful twenty three year old guy who could get any girl that he wanted. Why on earth would he want to have dinner with me?

A few minutes later, I was lifting on the enormous red head of the costume, and making my way out to the ballroom floor to entertain thirty whining one year olds and a couple of random older kids, completely annoyed to be there. It was sheer mayhem, no joke. Little kids, dressed in little party dresses and mini sweater vests were running all over the place, being chased by their nicely dressed yet amazingly bedraggled parents.

The whole place was decorated in thousands of red balloons, red flowers and red streamers, while dripping with Sesame Street paraphernalia. Even through the mildew odor of the stinky costume, I detected the faint hint of sugary cupcake frosting, urine and poo.

Remembering Sasha's words of wisdom upon my orientation at Billy's I hammed it up, dancing and waving for the kids in over exaggerated movements to corny kids party music. It was really difficult to see through the face part and I had absolutely no peripheral vision, so I was deathly afraid of squishing one of the babies. But all went well regardless, and there was no carnage left in my wake. Though I was sweating like a filthy animal in the horrific suit, and obsessing that I wouldn't be able to pee if I needed to, I actually had a lot of fun. I actually could have just peed in the damn suit and it wouldn't have smelled any worse, to tell the truth.

Then little Henry showed up. Well, Henry introduced himself to me, shaking my hand and eyeing my nasty red fur up and down skeptically. I could tell he was somewhat older than the rest of the kids, like maybe six or seven. Before I could even gather my thoughts, little Henry was screaming and pointing.

"There's a man inside Elmo! There's a man inside Elmo! He's a fake. See…you can see his hair!" Some of the other little kids looked horrified and began to cry. I sort of stood there, feeling like I had done something wrong when all the moms came to pick their teary babies up off the dance floor.

_Shit…someone shut this kid up._

_Man? Man? Do these look like they belong on a man, kid?_

I squeezed my boobs in protest through the suit in extreme irritation, though no one could tell what the hell I was doing. Henry proceeded to run around me in circles, pointing and accusing me of being a man. Since I had no peripheral vision I would lose the little fucker every time he ran behind me. I would feel him poke my butt area, then before I could turn around he'd be screaming again. Why was this little shit invited to the party and where in the hell were this monster's parents?

I turned quickly in attempt to see where he was but the little fucker was way too fast for me. I was getting dizzy going around in circles and then I figured if I just walked away, he would leave me alone. Since I couldn't see him, as I stepped to walk off in the opposite direction, I may or may not have put my foot out in his path.

Then I felt his feet against mine before I heard him go down with a rough thud. Inwardly, I gave myself a high five.

_Tickle that, Henry. _

He started screaming. "Elmo tripped me! Elmo tripped me!"

His mother came barreling toward us all frantic and worried about her evil demon. Bout time she decided to get off her ass to come over. Where was she before Henry outed me?

Henry pouted and put on the fakest cry I had ever heard. I rolled my eyes inside the suit, but knelt to rub his leg nonetheless, hoping his mother would at least fork over a decent tip for having to endure her pain in the ass, dork of a kid. I could see it now…Henry...future president of the A/V, Chess and I'm Not Getting Any Clubs. Though, that was not really fair, cause I wasn't getting any either.

_Ohh…don't feel bad Henry, its not that terrible..._

Once each and every child sat on my lap for a professional photo, I hugged the birthday boy goodbye, collected my salary and tips, and managed to swipe two unlabeled goodie bags off the table unnoticed. Sasha was right. I had made over three hundred dollars in just over an hour.

I swung by Billy's again to unload Elmo. Once I arrived home, I immediately headed for the shower, washing off the scum left by the little ones and the grunge that rubbed off from the costume.

I was anxious to get to Edward's, so I didn't bother with styling my hair. Instead, I just put it up into to a messy knot on my head and dressed in jeans and the purple shirt from the basement which I pulled out of the dryer. Clutching my goodie bags, and the shopping bag with Edward's costume, I threw on my jacket and skipped down the path toward the tree house.

I heard them arguing before I even got near there. "She's not going to go for it." Edward was adamant about something.

Jasper countered, "She will if I ask her to. Trust me. In fact, I am so sure, I'll bet you a hundred bucks that she will."

Edward replied, "You're on…we'll ask Bella when she gets here…she'll know."

I tossed the bags onto the floor as I popped my head up into the house. "Hey." Edward's face brightened into a huge smile. I mirrored his expression, climbing into the house and settling onto the blanket that was neatly spread out on the floor. In lieu of a kiss, Edward leaned over to finger the fur trimmed hood of my casual jacket.

"Hi. You look cute," he remarked as his eyes fixated on my mouth. His mere presence made me feel warm and squishy inside.

"What are we arguing about?" I asked, stealing one of Edward's cigarettes from the pack lying on the blanket. He leaned over to light it for me without being asked.

"Jasper thinks Alice will be okay with Jasper going to Tyler's as Hugh Hefner. He wants her to be a bunny." Edward shook his head in annoyance.

"What's wrong with that? I think it's actually cute," I replied. Alice would look amazing in one of those sexy little outfits.

Jasper cocked an eyebrow as if to say, _see told you so, douche._

"No," Edward clarified. "A fucking…like big furry pink rabbit suit, not an actual Playboy Bunny."

Wrinkling my nose in distaste, I said, "No, no, why? Why would you do that to her? Her body is too cute to hide in a giant bunny suit."

Jasper huffed and rolled his eyes. "Yeah I know that, but I want to be comfortable, and wearing pajamas is about the most comfortable thing I can think of, but I don't want my girl parading around half naked wearing a puffy bunny tail on her ass so that douche Alec can go grabbing on her. Besides, she's gonna fucking freeze." He practically spat out the word _Alec._ I pressed my lips together and met Edward's eyes in quiet recognition that Jasper was jealous of him.

"Oh, so she's your girl now, huh?" I teased. Jasper held up his hands in a gesture that said, _yeah, I guess._ I smiled in response. "Well, I think you should ask her what she wants, and not make decisions or assumptions for her. There's not a chance in hell she's gonna be a big fuzzy bunny though, I can tell you right now."

Edward cackled triumphantly and held out his hand expectantly, while Jasper dug in his pockets for the cash. As soon as he placed the bill into Edward's palm, Edward transferred it to my jacket pocket, explaining that it was for the costume purchase. I tried to reject it, but he wouldn't allow it.

"So how was work?" he asked, promptly lighting up the joint. He took a deep drag, squinting his eyes from the smoke that was billowing up from the end.

"Good…noisy and hot and definitely stinky, some little kid tried to out me." I shook my head remembering Henry's keen observations. "Don't ask…but I made three hundred dollars, so… not bad for an honest days work, right?"

I pushed the shopping bag with the costume toward Edward. He peered inside, rifling around a bit, with a very blasé expression on his face.

"You don't like it? There's no hat, no tights, it's definitely comfortable and it won't make you look gay." Jasper snatched the bag, looking inside and laughing.

He shrugged indifferently giving me a smirk. "It's fine. I can't wait to see you in your little get -up though."

He pushed the bag aside, lighting the joint. Instead of handing it to me, Edward turned it in his fingers, holding the end out for me to take in my mouth. It was very romantic in a fucked up way. I took the drag, staring into his luscious yet rapidly becoming bloodshot green eyes. He smirked, Jasper groaned. After Jasper took a huge hit, he excused himself saying he needed to take a piss and left us to eyefuck each other in private.

Edward called out, "Walk at least fifty feet north bro…I don't feel like smelling your piss for the next hour."

He took another hit, holding the smoke inside his lungs with a smirk on his mouth. I was already feeling very high and exhilarated from the parking lot non sex as well as the Elmo workout. When he gave me another drag, I pressed my palms onto the floor, crawling on my hands and knees toward him. He gaped at me in disbelief with wide blinking eyes, but he did not withdraw, almost as if he was meeting my challenge.

_You gonna kiss me?_

I smirked and opened my mouth slightly, letting a small amount of the smoke escape. He immediately understood what I was attempting, opening his mouth enough to accommodate me. In a rush of air, with my lips parted millimeters from his, I exhaled the smoke while he inhaled. As gross as it sounds, it was so fucking sexy and… tempting. His mouth was just…guh, and his smells overwhelmed me; freshly washed clothes and skin bathed in pot smoke and a hint of Edward's cologne that reminded me of the way it smelled just after it had rained.

I opened my eyes to see him smirk and exhale out of the side of his mouth, before I crawled back into my spot. His eyes almost sparkled.

"Fuck...that was the hottest thing I have ever seen but…you shouldn't do that again, B."

"Too tempting?" I asked, with a scowl. He nodded his head a few times and exhaled a shaky breath.

"Maybe when we get better at this, you can do that again, but…fuck, I want to kiss you so badly right now." Edward's voice was pained. His hands clenched at his thighs.

"So do I," I said quietly pulling my knees up to my chest. In an attempt to change the subject, I added as I peered up at the walls of the house, "Hey, you know my dad mentioned this house was supposed to be painted bright pink?"

"That's great to know, Bella," Edward said sarcastically. "Listen…today, before when we were on the phone you know…that was…" I laughed at his awkward attempt to thank me for phone sex.

"We can do that again," I said, batting my lashes flirtatiously. Edward bit his lip and nodded vehemently. God, I loved him. Maybe my fears about rejection were just stupid, because he seemed awfully easy to please.

Jasper returned shortly after, climbing back into the tree house and extending his long legs next to me. "So who were you today?"

I tossed an Elmo shaped bag at him.

"Take a guess."

Edward cringed and said, "Elmo…really?" as though it pained him to visualize me dressed in red matted, stinkified fur.

Jasper asked, "What the fuck is Elmo anyway? Is he like...a bear or something?" as he began inspecting the goodie bag. I looked inside one of the bags, pulling out a container of bubbles, a candy necklace, a chocolate lollipop, and some character stickers.

"Um…I don't know. I think he's just like a monster," I answered, deep in thought about it. Edward took the chocolate immediately, biting into it and then offering me some, which I accepted. I knew he was into extreme cleanliness and had like, some sort of bizarre personal vendetta against germs and bacteria, so I was somewhat honored that he gave no hesitation about sharing any of his food with me.

"A monster?" Jasper asked, looking up at me with his lids all hooded and tired looking from the weed. "That makes no fucking sense. There's like a big ass bird, then those two guys that are always in bed together…"

I opened the candy necklace wrapper, slipping the little sugary beads over my head. "Ernie and Bert? Yeah they are supposedly the token gays on the show," I remarked shrugging my shoulders. Edward pumped his fist in the air in support of the gays.

"Yeah them, and then there's like the dirty green dude in the fucking…garbage can….Oscar, right? And that Goober guy…"

"Grover."

"Yeah, whatever, and um… fucking Kermit the frog…"

"No, Kermit isn't from Sesame Street…he's a fucking Muppet. Whole different show, dude," Edward interjected.

"Oh…whatever," Jasper said annoyed as he leaned on his elbow in deep thought. "Then there's big blue guy who's always shoving his fucking face with cookies and the magician guy and …"

Edward and I looked at each other perplexed. "What magician guy?" he asked Jasper.

"The guy that's always counting shit…"

"You mean…The Count?" I said incredulously with a laugh. "Jasper, he's not a magician, he's a vampire."

"Vampire? No he's not…he's a magician."

"No, he's a vampire…he has a cape and fangs and there's always bats flying around him. He's a vampire from Transylvania…trust me, I was an avid Sesame Street fan. I know this as fact," I said.

We were quiet for a while, as Jasper continued to obsess and contemplate this newfound information.

He suddenly blurted out, "What the fuck kind of neighborhood is that for kids, with giant birds, fucking…monsters running amuck …and vampires? No wonder these little kids today are all fucked up." Jasper's expression was so serious, Edward and I couldn't help but laugh at him…hard.

The weed had kicked in to its full effect, and I was beginning to feel antsy, and cooped up. "Hey, can we go outside? It's nice out and I want to blow some bubbles."

Edward tucked the blanket under his arm, jumping down out of the house. Even in his stoned state, Edward remembered to help me down, by nudging Jasper in the arm to give me his hand. I hated that and I could see on his face so did Edward, but it was something that needed adjusting to.

"I'm fine, thanks," I replied, politely dismissing Jasper's awaiting hand. We walked down by the narrow river in the Cullen's yard, over the little wooden bridge to the other side, where there was a large expanse of lush grassy yard. I tripped over a knot of tree roots, catching myself before I fell face first into a swell of wet leaves. Edward sighed shaking his head. I wasn't quite sure if he was irritated with my ineptness or if he was frustrated with his inability to help me.

Edward spread the blanket out seamlessly under a tree; the three of us laid on our backs facing the sky. It was robin's egg blue, smattered with thick puffy clouds that moved ever so slightly creating twisting shapes and forms.

"Look…it's a dragon wearing high heels," I said. The boys mumbled in agreement, as we marveled at the beautiful dragon in his lovely pumps.

The wind shifted slightly. "Aw, now he looks like he has fire shooting out of his butt."

"Hey… there's an old man's face," Jasper said, pointing. We all turned our heads sideways to make out what Jasper was seeing, but Edward and I couldn't seem to see what Jasper did. "Wait…it's a dolphin now."

"That one looks like a metronome," Edward said brightly as he pointed to a triangular shaped cloud.

"Huh?" Jasper and I said harmoniously, having no idea what a metronome was.

Edward rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers trying to find the words to explain. "You know…the fucking…pyramid shaped counter thing on my piano."

"Oh…like we are supposed to know what shit is called," Jasper snapped. "You could have said, pyramid, or triangle, but metrodome? Why do always have to show off, smart-ass? Why can't you just be fucking normal?"

"It's metro_nome_," Edward corrected haughtily. "And… fuck you."

Edward sat up and punched Jasper in the arm hard, which then escalated into a playful wrestling match between the two of them. Edward asked if I wanted to join in on torturing Jasper, because clearly he had the upper hand, but I declined, sprawling out on the blanket instead. Eventually they got bored of physically tormenting each other.

I pulled out the bubble wand from its plastic jar, dipping it into the solution. I blew softly and hundreds of tiny bubbles floated all around us bobbing and swirling in the breeze. Edward and Jasper squinted their eyes as they caught the bubbles in their hands until the solution eventually ran out and I laid back down again.

We were all quiet for a while, enjoying the weather and the sky. At one point, Edward's hand brushed against mine ever so gently. Instinctively I pulled away, but he stilled the movement with his hand. He stroked my pinkie with his, his touch feather light and incredibly sensual. I closed my eyes to shut down one of my heightened senses so that I could appreciate the touching more. It was little tiny things like that which made my whole world come to a standstill.

Jasper's phone rang, startling us all. He answered it, disrupting our hand touching and I was disappointed, but I understood that it eventually did have to come to an end. Remembering I had on the necklace, I stretched out the elastic to bite into one of the candies. Edward watched my mouth, licking his own lips. Watching his tongue do stuff made the swirlies happen deep inside my belly, and I pulled my knees up so that my feet were flat on the ground.

I held the stretched out necklace to Edward. "Want some?" He looked at me with so much contempt, yet his hooded eyes practically sparkled with mischief and want. While we ignored Jasper's disruptive conversation, Edward and I entered into our own world again, where the two of us existed and nothing else mattered. He leaned forward hesitantly, opening his mouth slightly as his teeth closed down noisily on the candy. My breath hitched, because he was so close to me now, so close he could lick me or kiss me and it was horrifically tempting. It seemed as though I had a gift for putting us in ridiculously enticing yet compromising situations. And as badly as I felt about that, part of me… the evil, sex starved part that lived deep in my poor, barren cootch couldn't find it in me to care.

"Mom just called. She needs help bringing the groceries," Jasper announced.

"Fuck…come on," Edward whined, sitting up. He huffed, pulling out his little Visine bottle and passed it around so that we were visually presentable to his parents. I still felt awkward about coming face to face with Esme after she may or may not have heard me about to orgasm in the same bed where her in-laws slept when they came to visit. Edward assured me that it was no big deal and to not let it upset me. If she did have issues with our scandalous behavior, then she was indeed over it, because she welcomed me inside with open arms.

Emmett and Rosalie came in together hand in hand looking as if they were happy and joyous in love. She let go of Emmett's hand when she spotted me, shooting an apologetic glance my way. I rolled my eyes to tell her to stop feeling pity for me.

As the boys helped haul in the bags, Rose and I assisted Esme in unloading them onto the countertops. I had completely forgotten about my shirt when Edward took my coat to go hang it in the front closet. The shirt was hanging down off one shoulder and he reached out to gently slide the fabric back up when he saw what it said.

Edward raised an eyebrow, squinting one eye and said flatly, "That's fucked up, B. _Can't touch this?_ I'm supposed to find that to be funny, right?"

"What…it isn't just a little funny?" I asked, smiling shyly. "It's vintage…from the nineties. Some rapper dude had a big hit and there's even an official dance to go to the song." Edward was not the least bit amused. "Oh, lighten up, will ya?"

Emmett and Rosalie took one look and stifled laughs, while Esme bit her bottom lip to keep from snickering as well. She shimmied her shoulders while doing the same dance my father did in the basement and began to sing the song while we all gaped at her. I held my hand out expectantly.

_See? A song and dance._

"Oh, screw all of you!" Edward yelled in mock anger. "You guys all suck…especially you." He pointed to me as he unsuccessfully forced back a smirk.

"Oh, you love the shirt and you know it." Edward mumbled something completely incoherent as Rosalie pulled a wrapped box from her bag and asked to speak with Edward alone.

In the living room, I could see Rosalie pull out a long rectangular box which I knew contained an entire carton of cigarettes in it. Edward opened it skeptically, laughing when he unearthed the wrap. They talked for a few minutes more, Edward's face remaining somewhat stoic and serous, while Rose's was garnished with a rare moment of apology. They reentered the kitchen, smiling as if they had been old friends reunited.

We ate an informal meal of Esme's homemade chicken salad wraps and potato salad that was actually really good, though I was afraid to ask what was really in it. Once Alice arrived with Jasper, Edward and Emmett disappeared into the garage to retrieve the pumpkins so that we could get carving. Emmett reemerged carrying four of the enormous pumpkins in his big, muscular arms while Edward carried just two. I noticed Edward had grasped the immaculately clean ones, while the ones Emmett carried inside left dark dirt smudges on his tight shirt. Emmett dumped all four pumpkins on the huge kitchen table, flexing his biceps animatedly while the pumpkins rolled around aimlessly.

In a horribly stereotypical Brooklyn accent, Emmett said, "Does anyone have a piece of tape? Cause I… am… ripped." He paused a moment, flexing again with his fists clenched, to show off his broad chest. "Any of you guys know a good veterinarian? Cause my pythons… are sick." And then he proceeded to kiss each bicep.

Rose and I rolled our eyes, Jasper and Alice laughed and I am pretty certain Edward threw up in his mouth a little.

I hadn't carved a pumpkin in years, so I was pretty excited to get started. Esme had bought us a bunch of stencil kits with little tiny saws and a bag of battery operated tea lights to go inside the jack-o-lanterns when we were through. We all chose unique designs and started cutting.

We chatted happily like a bunch of excited little kids while we sawed and de seeded. Edward adamantly refused to stick his hand inside his pumpkin, claiming his head would implode if he did, so I rolled up my sleeves and cleaned his out while he looked on appreciatively. I shot him an evil glare when he assumed I would like it if he dictated how the de-gutting should be done. I really wanted to throw the guts at him, but I refrained.

In the midst of it all, arms deep in slimy pumpkin guts and chunks of pumpkin stuck to my clothing, I looked around at the people surrounding me. I took a minute to smile at Rose and Emmett's unabashed lust for one another while they argued softly, Alice and Jasper's sweet and innocent glances and Edward's beautiful and serious face while he examined his work.

Edward looked up at me and smiled. I returned his smile, feeling such overwhelming love in my heart. I knew at that moment that no matter what happened, no matter what the future had in store for us, I knew that these people would be by my side through it all. My friends…my family. And I really was so grateful for all of them…even Jasper.

"What's the matter, B?" Edward asked softy, cocking his head to the side. Rose and Alice looked up, making eye contact with me as they paused their cutting.

"Nothing…I just…I … I love all you guys." I shrugged, embarrassed by my admission as they all chorused, "Awwwww." Rose and Alice gave me tight girl hugs while Jasper chuckled and muttered, "Stoner," under his breath. Edward just gaped at me oddly before looking away.

But as he started working on his pumpkin again, I saw the faintest glimpse of a smile play at the corners of his mouth. He turned the pumpkin slightly so that I was able to get a glimpse at the design he was working so diligently on. He had etched out a very fancy detailed heart, with the letters, E & B embedded inside. He tapped his lips gently with his fingers, and while I was fully aware that I was still a little high and I could have very well been hallucinating… I swear I saw him mouth, "I love you too."

**~%~**


	19. Chapter 19 I Am Loved

**A huge thanks to Becca for proofing even when your life is a complete mess and to Suzy for dropping everything in your crazy life to do the rest. Xoxoxo.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 19~**** I Am Loved**

**My hands shake clasped with fear, as you come near.  
To say goodnight, just like a dove, a peaceful sign.  
To help us by, as you come in, let this begin.  
Stars fall like dust, our lips will touch, we speak too much.**

Did you know, that I love you?  
Come and lay with me, I love you.  
And on this day, I will love you.  
You make me feel alive, and I'll love you,  
until the end of time.

**Angels and Airways ~Breathe**

**~Edward~**

A half a can of spray starch and forty minutes ironing the shit out of the stupid thing and it still looked utterly and completely ridiculous. On anyone else, it could have passed as clever or comical even, but on me…it just looked fucking wrong.

I turned to the right, then to the left, then around in a full turn, catching a glimpse of my ass, which was completely non-distinct in this dumb non- ass outfit. I sighed aloud, trying to remember if I had been drunk or high when I agreed to wear this get up. Oh…wait, yes, she swindled me into it by flaunting her fuckawesome cleavage and I got all distracted and entranced by her knockers.

But seriously, what the hell was she thinking when she fucking picked this? Maybe she was hoping no one of the female persuasion would check me once this was on. Shit, no one of _any_ persuasion would be looking at me tonight.

It wasn't so much as I looked like a fucking Ghostbuster, but the fact that the jumpsuit thing was an eerie replica of the attire worn by inmates was what bothered me the most. All it needed was stripes and a number across my chest...though then, I'd be willing to bet my entire fucking bank account that Bubba the butt-pirate in Cell Block number 10 would notice me .I shuddered to think about the harsh reality of that… so not cool.

I took one last look in the mirror and scowled. At least my hair had turned out nothing short of fucking awesome tonight. Not that anyone would even be bothering to glimpse at me with Bella aside me in her little outfit, but still, I always like to look my very best…even while wearing faux exterminator garb.

Rolling my eyes, I tossed the strap of the shiny silver plastic "pesticide" container over my shoulder and held the stiff wand attached by a tube out toward the mirror.

"Take that you fucking bad ass roaches," I said to my reflection. "You never even had a chance against the Cullenator."

_You are such a fucking dork._

My thoughts immediately went to what I could do to Bella with the wand.

_I mean, if the hairbrush almost worked..._

After I stuffed a pack of cigarettes courtesy of Rosalie Hale and her big judgmental mouth into my pocket, I slipped in two freshly rolled joints and my lighter beside them. I opened the cap on a bottle of Grey Goose and dumped the contents into a metal thermos, which then was stuck inside the cleverly disguised pesticide container. That gave a whole new meaning to the saying, "choose your poison."

"Yo, E. Bella's here," Emmett yelled, banging on my bedroom door. I opened it, took one look at him all shiny and bare chested and busted out laughing in his face.

He narrowed his eyes. "Uh…who ya gonna call, Buddy?" he snickered pointedly as he made reference to my being a Ghostbuster, even though the writing on the front of my snazzy suit clearly read, "_Got Bugs?"_

"Tink has got you by the fucking balls getting you to wear this shit, you whipped son of a bitch." He stood back a few feet gaping at me while shaking his head in disbelief.

"Oh, and you look so goddamn masculine in your shiny shorts and matching robe that Rosalie had no influence in choosing. Fuck off," I snapped, playfully punching him in the chest. I shot him an evil glare then stared at my knuckles covered in body oil.

Actually, he looked really good, if I were to admit that aloud. I mean, he had the physique for it, and he definitely wasn't shy or modest about showing off his body to the whole fucking world. He stood proudly, with his gloved hands on his hips, puffing out his chest exaggeratedly. His fucking shiny blue satin robe hung open revealing his oiled up chest and the glittering gold championship belt around his waist. The fake black eye was the icing on the cake. Yeah, maybe I'd feel a little threatened if I got into a ring with him.

"Mom's got the video camera _and_ her digital out, just warning ya," he said, throwing his arm around my shoulder as we descended the stairs together. "What the fuck do you have in here?" He rattled the pesticide container, letting the liquor slosh around loudly.

"Vodka," I replied with a smirk, just as my mother appeared at the bottom of the staircase snapping the flash off like she was the goddamn paparazzi at a red carpet event for Raid. After she successfully blinded us for half a minute straight, I blinked the white spots away in order to work Bella into focus. She was standing in the kitchen archway with Rosalie, both of them donning huge smiles on their faces.

Bella's hair was down around her shoulders in loose spirally curls and she had these sparkly black balls on bouncy wires attached to her headband that were supposed to resemble antennae. I could see her dotted skirt poking out of her coat but what I noticed before anything else was that she was wearing the boots…the red come fuck me boots.

_Fuck me. It was going to be a long night._

"Don't you dare laugh at me, Ladybug," I said, with mock warning in my tone while pointing my pesticide wand at her. "I'll spray the shit out of you until you're on your back flailing your legs around, and then I'll spray you some more after you've died just to be sadistic." I winked at Rosalie who just smirked at me in her overtly sexy ring girl outfit.

"Your hair looks outstanding tonight, Edward," Rosalie said, with a rare, but genuine inflection to her tone. I just smiled and winked, knowing she was correct.

"Wow, you look great, E," Bella said, still wearing a smirk as her eyes bore into me.

_Even attractive whilst killing bugs… nice._

I rolled my eyes in disagreement. "So lemme see you." I slid the black wool belt of her coat in between my fingers, eager to see what was waiting underneath. Her eyes darted to my mother, and then she bit her lip nervously. I believe I had specifically requested nothing too sexy as far as the costume choices were concerned, but I couldn't help but concede when I saw the way her tits looked in this the day she sent me the pic of her. Fucking perfection.

"That bad, huh? Am I going to get pissed, or…" She rolled her eyes, opening the belt and sliding her coat off. My dick stiffened immediately, and I was silently thanking God I was wearing jeans under the stupid thin coveralls so as not to reveal my obvious arousal. After I wiped the drool off my gaping mouth, I took a few seconds to absorb all that was Bella in a sexy ladybug costume; while my mother squealed at how adorable she looked. Only, adorable was not the word I would have chosen, personally.

I would have gone more in the realm of smoking fucking hot- cream in my pants at the sight of her- gorgeous. She was wearing on this skin tight, black strapless corset thing with red ribbons that crisscrossed up the front and tied in a bow at her tits. The little red and black polka dotted skirt flared out around her, and I noticed immediately how short it was, making a mental note to check what kind of panties she had on underneath. But her tits…her tits were all high up and pushed together and they looked so fucking delicious and lickable and just…I don't know, juicy maybe?

I scowled using my stupid fucking pesticide wand to draw an imaginary circle over her antennae while she twirled around in a little mini fashion show. She curtsied and smiled as her sparkly antennae balls bounced on top of her head. My mother began snapping pictures like a lunatic, at the same time my father entered the room and muttered, "Jesus, I never thought I'd see that day where you would be dressed as a blue collar worker. This is a Kodak moment for sure." I rolled my eyes at him, even though he was totally fucking precise about that fact. He caught one look at Bella and then glanced at Rose. I swear to God his eyes almost popped out of his head as he mumbled something under his breath and quickly left the room.

I turned back to Bella, licking my lips and shaking my head at her. Her skin was actually glowing, likely from the facial she had earlier that day at the spa with the girls. I noticed her nails were freshly painted a bright red shade and her eyebrows had a higher arch than normal. _Yes, I fucking noticed that shit._ She looked up at me with her eyes framed in long fake eyelashes as she pursed her shiny, blood red lips. God, she was beautiful.

"You look…" I fumbled for the words unsuccessfully. Leaning into her ear, I whispered, "My dick is so hard it's gonna bust through my fucking zipper. I don't know if I can handle you in this." I fingered the ribbon that was tied at her top. She gaped at me, trying to read if my tone was mad or serious or what. I wasn't angry at her at all, just simply giving her a warning that I might be a bit irritable walking around with a raging boner all night and no way to relieve it. "You look amazing and if anyone even thinks of eye fucking you, I'm gonna fucking lose it. Then I'm going to poke their eyes out with my stupid pesticide wand..."

Rosalie patted Bella on the back, whispering, "Good luck with that," and moved toward Emmett clearly wanting to give us some space.

Bella just smiled. With an overly sardonic tone she said, "I can go home and change. I think there might be an old nun costume in the basement."

"Don't you dare. Just make sure you fit into this in two years, okay?" I said, smirking. "I want to see this on my floor in a little pile while I fuck you from be..."

The doorbell rang, cutting me off in mid romantic sentiment. Jasper tore ass down the stairs wearing a burgundy robe over his black silk pajamas and slippers, while he was trying to tie a black ascot around his neck. He slid across the tiled floor whipping open the door to find a handful of trick or treaters gathered with their bags held forward waiting for their loot. He grumbled as he threw treats into each of their bags, obviously disappointed that it wasn't Alice ringing the bell.

"Ma…seriously…organic fruit snacks?" Jasper sneered as the kids all left with dissatisfied expressions. "I hope you like scraping egg and shaving cream off the front door, cause I sure as shit am not doing it tomorrow." My mother glared at Jasper and I swear I saw her middle finger twitch. I made a mental note to put my car in the garage when we got home tonight just in case Jasper was right about the revengeful tweens.

"I told her the same thing about the fruit snacks," I said, laughing. "One day a year you can't hand out M&M's? They're not your kids...what the hell do you care what they eat?" It was sadly unfortunate, because despite the fact that the long block had only three houses, all the neighborhood kids would make the trek down this way simply because they thought the rich family in the big ass house would give out the best candy. I suppose it was a harsh yet necessary lesson in making assumptions as well as having overly high expectations in life.

"Hey, at least it's not raisins," Rose laughed, sliding her arm around Emmett and then muttering, "Ewww," when she realized that he was greasy.

Esmom pointed her finger scornfully at us. "You can all go eat shit…Organic shit!" She huffed indignantly, turning on her heel and exiting the room. From the doorway, my father covered his mouth trying to hide his laughter, but we all knew it was fucking funny. She reappeared a few minutes later to snap away when Alice arrived in full on Playboy bunny attire, complete with ears and fluffy tail on her barely covered ass.

She squealed and exclaimed, "Oooh! Fruit snacks!" when she saw the bowl by the front door. Jasper fucking growled at the sight of her, and I had to admit, for the first time, I saw her as a beautiful young woman and not the little annoying girl that lived down the block. My mother made the three girls pose together while Jasper, Emmett and I looked on, all silently admitting the same thing. We were lucky fucking bastards. Something told me that my father agreed with that as well.

My mom kissed us all goodbye, stealthily shoving little bags of fruit snacks into mine and Jasper's pockets while we were caught in her embrace.

I pulled down the block to Tyler's house, parking in a spot about a half block away from where the strobe lights were flashing. Both sides of the street were lined bumper to bumper with cars and I groaned knowing that it would not be an easy night for me trying to navigate in and out of so many fucking skimpily dressed females, aside from the half naked ones I came with.

"I thought this was invite only?" I asked Jasper, as he emerged from his car parked behind mine. He shrugged his shoulders obviously thinking the same thing as I did. Semi annoyed, I lit up a joint, passing it around before doing the same with the Grey Goose stashed in my stupid fucking pesticide container. From our spot at the cars, we could hear the thump of techno music against eerie Halloween music. Tyler's brother was obviously deejaying tonight. The girls were already dancing in the street.

After shedding our coats and locking the car up, Bella asked Alice to help her clip on her wings. A stupid, irrational part of me was jealous that Alice had her hands down the back of Bella's dress, touching her soft skin. I wanted to be the one helping her and it fucking sucked that I couldn't even do something as insignificant as attach fake wings to my girlfriend.

"What do you have on underneath there?" I asked, leaning to whisper in her ear as we walked up the overly decorated lawn.

"If you're a good boy, maybe I'll show you later." She flicked her hair over her shoulder and winked.

_Fuck._

_Me._

The whole fucking yard was crazy insane with Halloween shit - Spider webs surrounding giant black widows, coffins with vampires and mummies hanging out of them, fog hovering above the grass and even pairs of glowing yellow eyes in the bushes. The inside was even worse.

Brimming with spooky paraphernalia and hollow laughter through heavy bass beats, the main living area of the house was dark and smoky and so fucking loud, crowded wall to wall with people dressed in weird ass costumes. I was actually glad that I was coerced into the exterminator costume, because at least I wouldn't give a shit when it was destroyed with beer and cigarette burns as the night wore on.

Emmett took Rose's hand, leading her through the crowd as Bella and I followed behind with Jazz and Alice in tow. It was definitely not invitation only seeing as the entire junior and senior class was here as well as a few vaguely familiar faces I recognized as last years seniors. No doubt, friends of Tyler's older brother.

At some point, Bella spotted Angela and Ben with Tyler and some redheaded chick I didn't recognize in a slutty nurses uniform. We settled ourselves in the empty corner of the living room, while Emmett and Jasper left to get beer for everyone. It was things like that that just made me feel so fucking stupid….like a giant loser who couldn't get his own girlfriend a beer...or kiss her or put on her goddamn bug wings for that matter.

For whatever reason, maybe it was because I was sufficiently soused on vodka, beer and weed, I began to obsess about my situation a little too much. Bella noticed I wasn't in the best frame of mind and I was sort of glad when she and the girls went off to dance. I watched her being all happy and carefree, her arms waving in the air as she shimmied her hips and giggled with her girls.

It wasn't the first time I felt envious of her ability to live that way, and not just for her lack of restrictions but the fact that it was an innate part of her. Bella was a naturally happy-go-lucky person, and she looked at her life as a glass half-full whereas I looked at fucking everything as a glass completely empty with no sight of any sort of refill in the near future. If I wasn't drowning I was begging for a drink. I just couldn't catch a fucking break.

I shook my head, chugging the rest of my piss warm beer while scowling inwardly and not hearing a word Ben was saying to me. Em noticed that I was a little out of it too. He put on his big brother hat, giving me a pep talk, which definitely helped some but not entirely.

Things grew progressively worse when Mike fucking Newton Douchebag extraordinaire dressed in a ninja costume attempted to dance with Bella yet again. My body went rigid when he touched her bare shoulder and I felt my jaw clench involuntarily as the pad of his thumb rubbed over the surface of her skin. I was quite fucking sure that on his end it was a completely innocent gesture, but from my slightly skewed point of view, he was practically fucking her. The thing that boiled my blood was that in three seconds, Newton had been more intimate with her than I had in a month and a half. And I was the one in love with her.

The douche just did not get the hint, even when he knew damn well that she was my girl.

My fists clenched at my side when Emmett asked me if I wanted another drink, and I didn't answer him...couldn't answer him. I was too fucking focused and seething to speak. He saw what I was glaring at…Bella trying to shrug off Newton's grip, and Em's big fucking forearm crossed over my chest from behind effectively holding me back from beating the piss out of the punk touching my girl.

"Not here, Bro. You don't want to start this shit here at Tyler's house. Have a word with Newton in private later on, but don't do this. And Bella is doing just fine on her own...look she's on her way back now." He squeezed my shoulder a couple of times after he let go, as I took a few calming breaths in vain. Part of me just wanted to leave, the other part wanted to hit something and the other part wanted to shove Bella up against the fucking wall and take her innocence right in front of the whole damn party so that they would all know she was mine.

_I wouldn't even dare._

I was still pissy when Bella and the girls finally came back, breathless and covered in a light sheen of sweat from dancing. I glared at Rosalie when she grabbed Emmett by the back of the neck and wrapped her leg around his thigh, further exacerbating my ire. Alice and Jasper disappeared through the crowd and Ben and Angela were arguing in the corner over something, leaving just Bella and I.

Bella looked up at me bobbing her head to the music and smiling. I gave her a weak assed grin before I mumbled that I had to take a piss. I turned to leave, watching her expression fall, confused and hurt as she tried unsuccessfully to conceal it. It killed me.

"It's nothing you did, Beautiful, I just…I'm having a bad night," I explained softly, wanting to touch her cheek to confirm my affection for her. Her big brown eyes were so full of devotion to me that it physically hurt not to be able to assure her of my adoration with a simple physical gesture.

She stood on her tiptoes reaching up to whisper in my ear. "I know what will make you feel better. Wanna see my undies?" I smirked, immediately feeling a million times better as her brilliant smile overshadowed al the feelings of glum I wasn't currently capable of camouflaging.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do," I said, gesturing for her to walk ahead of me. Not only did I want to see her panties, but I didn't want to leave her alone. It hadn't escaped my notice that half the fucking football team was ogling her while she was dancing. _Motherfuckers._

I held onto her mangled wings, trying to straighten the crooked wire form out as we headed to the bathroom. There was a line of waiting people down the hallway, so I craned my neck to see if I could find Tyler to ask him if there was another bathroom we could use. My fucking bladder was about to explode. Eventually, I spotted him, and he led us through the crowd down a hallway to what appeared to be a den. Before he opened the door, he warned us that his brother's friends were hanging out in the room and then he asked us to please be discreet about what we saw. I didn't fully understand what he meant, though a for a fraction of a second I considered that maybe there would be some hot girls making out or something, which I wouldn't have minded. But aside from that, I didn't really care because I just wanted to piss.

The small den had a handful of people in it, a few girls, a few guys; all of them older than us. They all looked up briefly muttering greetings toward Bella and I while she moved toward the bathroom door on the other side of the small room. I however, stood gaping at the coffee table like a fucking idiot.

Swallowed thickly, trying to coat the dry, tightening in my throat, I wiped my hand against the back of my mouth. Seeing the drug paraphernalia, the little hills and lines of coke on the table signaled an immediate craving, almost as if I was insanely thirsty and I could feel my throat pleading for something cold and wet…immediate relief from the scorching burn.

I licked my lips, feeling Bella's eyes on me, but not physically able to break my gaze away from the blonde who was hunched and leaning into the surface to snort the powder up her nose. My skin prickled with goosbumps as I could feel the anticipation of what she was feeling at the very moment, the rush, the high, the insane amount of pure adrenaline pumping through her blood.

_Thud, thud, thud_…my heartbeat was drowning out any other sound in the room, even louder than the pulsating music just down the hall.

I fucking _wanted_ it.

"Hey …did you want some?" One of the girls asked, I guess when she began to feel uncomfortable with my blatant staring. Either that, or she recognized and related to my physiological reaction to just witnessing someone using. I exhaled through my mouth finally looking away, ashamed at how I felt, and feeling guilty for the fact that if Bella weren't there I would have probably said yes. Instead, I shook my head no, swallowing again, gulping down the immense craving, the passionate desire, and the urge to feel like a fucking king for thirty very short minutes.

"E?" Bella tugged on my sleeve. "What are you doing?" she whispered. The whole duration of the scene was probably less than ten seconds long, but it was as though I had been standing there for hours.

I shook my head, as if to bring myself back into reality. "Um…yeah…bathroom." We crossed the room, standing in a small dark hallway waiting for the bathroom door to open, as there were obvious sounds of someone flushing the toilet inside. I leaned against the wall, in an attempt to gain my bearings and to understand what had happened.

It had been less than a year the last time I had done coke. Only once since then did I have the urge and that was when I was having a bad fucking day dealing with my shit and Bella and everything else. I realized that it was the first time I had been exposed to the stuff, and witnessed someone else using it.

It scared the fuck out of me, because if my body reacted to just the sight of it, I knew if I touched the shit again, I would probably want it all the time. My hand scrubbed over my face in realization of that fact. I was too buzzed at the moment to be thinking rationally or clearly, and I just wanted to take a piss and get another drink.

"Edward…are you okay?" Bella asked, again on her tiptoes, trying to my attention by getting in my face.

"Yeah, I'm fine, B…I'm fine." I couldn't help but notice once again how her tits were looking so sumptuous tonight.

"Did you want to…" she asked quietly, gesturing to the drug littered coffee table. She leaned back against the wall, pushing her chest out further emphasizing her gorgeous endowment.

I exhaled through my mouth and shrugged, realizing that it was useless to lie to her. But I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss the long term ramifications of my using cocaine, or the reasons why I should or should not indulge in a dabble of it now, or any other time… I just wanted to touch Bella. The urge was so fucking strong, stronger than the urge to do the coke was…

I needed a distraction… quickly. "If I remember correctly, you told me I could see your underwear."

She bit her lip and batted her crazy long lashes. "Have you been a good boy tonight?" she asked playfully, completely dismissing the whole coke situation.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I have," I smirked. She giggled and turned, lifting the ruffles up on her dress, essentially mooning me. Her underwear were those little boy short things; black with little red ladybugs all over them. Her ass cheeks were peeking out the bottom, and they were fucking perfect ass cheeks, round and…just bitable.

"Those undies are mine before we go home tonight, Ladybug," I hissed. The hand that was in my front pocket had been fiddling with the wand from my stupid pesticide thing. I pulled out the long black stick, moving closer to her. I could hear her breathing increase slightly as I closed in the gap between us, feeling the heat roll off her body. Her mouth hung open, and then her lips pressed together as she watched the wand trail up from her navel to the top of her dress, across her collarbone and down her arm. She shivered, pressing her body back into the wall with a sigh.

I traced the edge of her top, just along the fabric over the mound of her breasts resting where her cleavage met. _Beautiful._

"What would happen if I pulled on this?" I asked, fingering one of the ends of the ribbon that crossed up her dress.

She gasped lightly before a wry smile spread over her face. "The front of the dress loosens up. My boobs will fall out."

My dick hardened at the very thought of that.

"Are you wearing a bra underneath this?" She shook her head no at the same time I pulled on it, opening the front of her dress slightly. Her hands flew to her chest holding the fabric back just as the bathroom door opened finally, and a guy in poncho with a sombrero on his head slipped out. He was wasted and gripped his hands against the doorframe to balance himself while giving Bella a nod and a big flirtatious grin while he stared unashamedly at her tits. I quirked an eyebrow at him in warning before moving to protectively step in front of Bella, but he quickly got the hint, holding his hands up in defense.

"Ladybug," he said, tipping his sombrero.

"Señor," Bella replied politely.

"Bug Dude," he nodded at me.

"Asshole."

Bella cringed and slipped inside the bathroom. Without even asking for her permission, I went inside with her, locking the door behind us. I wasn't about to leave her out there alone with ogling guys and a table full of coke, and truthfully, I didn't know if I trusted myself to be unsupervised for that matter.

Bella was drunk. Not fall down stupid drunk, but feeling numb and happy and very smiley. Which is why she was easily distracted away from launching a virtual Spanish Inquisition regarding my salivating at the drugs on the table.

"Are you gonna go?" she asked, pointing to the toilet.

"Uh…not this second…I uh…need a minute."

"I thought you said you had to go," she replied.

"I do but I sort of have a… oookaaaaay," I turned around awkwardly trying to find an appropriate place to focus on as Bella pulled down her panties and squatted on the toilet looking up and smiling at me.

"So, I guess we're peeing in front of each other now?" I asked rhetorically. Her little skirt was blocking any sort of view anyhow, but I wasn't exactly a hundred percent comfortable with gaping at her on the toilet. The front of her top was open now, exposing her cleavage, though she didn't seem to care.

"I have peed in front of every single one of my girlfriends and you are my boyfriend and when you gotta go, you gotta go, right? I am not shy and you shouldn't be either. And peeing feels so good doesn't it? I love to pee. Ahhhhhhhh…" She finished up, still grinning stupidly at me.

_And there goes my erection._

I chuckled. "You're drunk."

"Yes, I am. So what? Why can't you pee, Edward?"

"I can't go when I'm um…hard."

Her eyes grew huge. "You're hard? Lemme see it! Come on lemme see!" she squealed, clapping as she popped herself on the vanity counter, ready to view the show.

"Well, I'm not hard anymore," I said, laughing at her enthusiasm and her peculiar fascination with my dick's inherent states of erectness. Her face fell in pure disappointment while she tucked her hands under her thighs, swinging her legs out. I loved that she was so fucking sexy and confident while at the same time so childlike and naive.

She leaned over, fingering the zipper on the coveralls before she pulled it down to the end. I unzipped my jeans by myself, snickering while Bella's gaze stayed fixated on my crotch. She watched intently as the metal prongs slowly released from each other with eyes wide and her mouth forming a little O.

"I really need to pee, Bella," I explained. "He's a little shy." She blinked and then nodded, turning around toward the mirror as she fumbled in her purse to reapply lip gloss. The uh…flow took about a minute to get started as I wasn't used to having a female audience while I peed. In the large vanity mirror, I could see her eyes dart to my crotch and then back to her lips, and back to my crotch again.

"Whoa…it's really little now," she remarked in awe pressing her red lips together.

"Well thank you, Sweetheart…and your tits look like they are a little saggy tonight," I replied sarcastically, rolling my eyes at her.

Her face scrunched up as she looked down at her perfectly perky, non saggy chest. Bella clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth in annoyance and stuck her tongue out at me. "No, I mean…is it always that small when you're not hard? Cause when you're hard…it's like…huge! But now it's so small and cute."

"Cute? Fucking cute? It's not cute," I snapped. _Puppies and kittens are cute...deadly pythons were not fucking cute..._

"Move your hand…lemme see," she commanded. I huffed, conceding to her request, as my limp dick dangled softly in her view. "Awww see, it_ is_ cute." She cocked her head to the side as I rolled my eyes again, not believing that I was allowing her to see it in this embarrassingly flaccid state. I realized that she was not making fun of me, but she found genuinely interest in the assorted functions of my penis.

"Actually, it's kind of ugly when it's all squishy like that. Make it big…I wanna see it big!"

"I can't just make it big! Jesus Bella, how much did you drink?" I asked, shaking my head. She shrugged her shoulders laughing.

"Come on…Ooh, I know how I can make it big." Bella leaned back into the vanity mirror, her wings bowing against the surface. Her eyes narrowed, lowering her lids as she pursed her lips seductively. Her hands ran across her chest; cheery red painted nails dotted against creamy pale skin, swirling… touching… mesmerizing my gaze. Her thumbs hooked into the top of the corset or bustier or whatever the fuck you call it, and pulled it down, not only exposing her entire chest to me, but effectively restoring my hard on. Her smile grew huge across her face as she watched my expression, and she knew…the innocent little virgin knew how to work me like a pro.

_Instant boner...just add tits!_

"Fuck…are you kidding me right now?" I asked, stroking myself involuntarily. I was fully erect, hard as a rock, and throbbing in two seconds, watching the fucking bizarre erotica play out before me. Bella's hands were all over her tits, cupping them in her hands and massaging, as she watched my face and then her eyes darted to my hand over my dick. Her nipples… they were…fucking so hard and pert. I could see that her whole stature went from playful and teasing to infinitely turned on.

She whimpered softly, breathing heavy, as my eyes burned into hers. I wanted to grab her hair in my hands and fucking kiss the shit of her then move my way down to her tits and suck until she was leaving indentations in the granite countertop with her fingernails. But I knew if I started it, I wouldn't be able to stop and this wasn't how I wanted Bella...not in a bathroom, not on a fucking sink with people doing lines of coke just outside the door. But I could watch her finger herself…that would be okay, right?

I turned, opening the door a crack as I peered outside to see if anyone was waiting. I could still hear voices in the room, but no one was waiting to use the bathroom. I clicked the door shut, locking it again before I made my way back over to Bella and her beautiful fucking tits.

My heart was beating so rapidly in anticipation I could barely catch my breath…and the sight of her, still leaning slumped against the mirror, one red boot up on the countertop, and the other lag dangling down. "You are so fucking beautiful," I whispered.

"Edward…" she breathed, clawing her fingers up her thigh while the other hand caressed her breast. Her lids fluttered shut and I knew she wanted it desperately…she needed to feel me, whether it was my fingers or my mouth or my cock…and have her orgasm.

But none of that was going to happen, so I stood against the counter, between her legs and said softly, "You need to touch yourself, baby. Go ahead…make yourself feel good for me." And her hand tentatively drew up her thigh as her gaze burned into mine unrelenting. Her breath hitched as I gripped my cock in my hand, visibly stroking it, at the same time her fingers dipped into the waistband of her panties. Bella gasped at the contact, gritting her teeth while her fingers moved inside the black stretch fabric to touch her clit.

_Un fucking acceptable._

"Take them off," I whispered, stroking myself harder just hearing the words fall off my lips. Without hesitation, her hands slipped under her ass, her hips rose and the panties were sliding down her legs. I pulled them off her once they passed her knees, holding the damp little things tightly in my hand before dropping them on the counter. Her hand slipped right back to its position between her legs, but the stupid netting on the skirt was blocking my view and though I knew what she was doing, and I could hear her little moans and her breathing all ragged...I wanted to _see_ Bella touch herself.

And then the fucking sexual light bulb went off in my head.

"Beautiful…turn around," I said softly. She looked at me quizzically, turning toward the mirror suddenly realizing why I wanted her to do that. The mirror was huge, fitted into the countertop and expanding all the way up to the ceiling. She turned fully around, making eye contact with me through the reflection and biting her lip, because I was guessing she was a bit inhibited about exposing herself fully to me. In that moment she looked so fucking hot and naughty, with just a tiny bit of timid innocence.

Bella slowly uncrossed her legs, scooting her ass back to the edge of the counter to make room for her legs. My heart was beating so fucking erratically and I noticed I had begun to sweat.

"You don't have to Baby, I just wanted to see you better…" I whispered, still stroking myself brazenly.

And then like an angel spreading its feathered wings, Bella opened her legs, drawing her knees up. She was there…in the mirror, all of her, her pussy, open and glistening wet, fucking perfect as any pussy could ever be in the history of pussies.

I was fucking stunned, because though I had been sexually active, I had never seen a pussy this way before other than in porn. The sight of her exposed so fully sent shooting heat through my whole body…like I was given an injection of ecstasy in my dick.

She wasn't shy now, as I moved closer to her, her wings brushing along my shoulder. Stepping slightly to the left of her, I could see myself perfectly in the mirror, as could she.

Bella licked her lips as our eyes met in the reflection once again, burning and intense, brown searing into green. She slipped her hand back into her center, her palm grazing over the soft mound of trimmed curls and settling right on her clit.

"Holy fuck, Bella," I hissed, watching her through the mirror as her middle finger slipped furiously over her swollen clit, rubbing and circling the little rosebud. I jerked myself faster, using all the leaking precum coming out of the slit as lubricant because though I needed some moisture on it, I wasn't about to go looking through Tyler's medicine cabinet for his mom's lotion.

Bella's face contorted as she continued to rub, her breathing had evolved into panting, and little moaning sounds came from her mouth every so often.

"God, that's beautiful…put your fingers inside," I whispered. I took a small step forward pressing my chest into her back. I wasn't even touching her, only her mesh wings were flush against me. Then to my surprise, she leaned her head back onto my chest as her finger slid down her slit and then found its way inside. Her eyes were completely shut now, just her face on my chest and her warm breath and her fucking delicious smell enveloping everything around me. I could have leaned down and kissed her, and I probably should have, but I was fucking scared to.

"Holy fuck...that is the hottest thing I have ever fucking seen, Bella," I spewed in an exhale of one long breath. Bella's jaw clenched tightly, as she pumped one, then two fingers inside of her. I watched her fingers grip the end of the countertop, her knuckles white with the tension.

"Let me taste you...please," I begged. I lowered my head meeting her fingers as she slipped them inside my mouth, letting me feast on her sweet juices. I swirled my tongue around her two fingers, sucking and licking until the heat in my balls intensified as the tightening finally increased to the point where I knew I was done for. It wasn't exactly apple pie, but she was absolutely delicious regardless. I could drizzle her pussy juice on my fucking salad every night. I let go of her fingers so she could put them back where they belonged.

Bella's fingers disappeared inside of her again and after about thirty seconds her breathing changed again to a much shallower cadence. I had no idea if she was close or not, since I had never seen her come, but she looked like she was about to claw her way into the countertop.

"Bella fuck, I want you so bad…I want to taste you with my tongue…I want to be inside of you and I want to feel you all around my cock…baby…" All the tension that had been gradually building came crashing down, sending ripples of sheer ecstasy through my whole body as I came into my hand spurting all over the fucking place uncontrollably. Bella growled, bringing her fingers back to her clit and then her head began to thrash from side to side.

"Oh my God, oh my God…oh my fucking God!"

_She was coming too._

"Baby don't stop…" I said, trying to encourage her do that she wouldn't lose it now that I was done. "Your pussy is so fucking perfect and your tits… I want to taste them and feel you nipples against my tongue and…"

Bella's heels dug into the mirror in front of us as she pushed her back into my chest with force. I could feel her whole body shaking against my torso, while I witnessed the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced in my entire life unfold directly in front of me.

"Shit, shit, shit…holy shit…" she whispered still breathless with her chest heaving, as she finally began coming down. Her hand stilled between her legs and she made eye contact with me in the mirror.

Her chest heaved up and down while her breathing eventually slowed back to a normal rhythm. I smiled at her somewhat hesitantly, gauging her reaction. She threw the hand that was gripping the counter over her eyes in embarrassment as she giggled, trying to hide herself from me. Honestly, seeing Bella bathed in the glorious afterglow of her very first orgasm…well, I had never seen her look more utterly fucking amazing.

She lifted her other hand away from her center and held it out wrinkling her nose, as she was somewhat sticky. I quickly washed my jizzed up hands off in the sink before grabbing one of the obviously unused fancy guest towels off the nearby rack, wetting a corner, and handing it to her. She whispered her gratitude, wiped her hands and before she could blot her wetness, I took the towel from her grip. I placed it under the warm water, wrung it out, and then gently wiped her down. She sighed in pleasure as I drew the warm cloth up each of her thighs and then swiping her pussy until she was clean. When I was done, she spun around on the counter, letting me put her panties back on over her boots and sliding them up to her knees before she jumped down to finish pulling them up all the way.

Her legs buckled when she hit the floor, wobbling on her heels. I caught her by the shoulders, gripping her warm, soft skin in my fingers until I knew she was okay to stand on her own. My thumbs rubbed circles on her skin, as her lids shut reverently, almost as though she just took whatever she could get from me and savored every morsel of it. And that was funny, because I was doing the very same thing.

I smiled at her, tying up the front of her dress again, deliberately grazing my knuckles on the swell of her breasts while I looped the ribbon into a bow. We looked at each other with such longing…such heartbreak, as the awareness that this was the extent to which our intimacies would be restricted to struck us both hard.

It wasn't so bad, really.

I had never been so intimate with anyone before and the fact that I knew Bella hadn't either made it so much better. It was also by far the best orgasm I had ever experienced, even better than while in the actual act of sex, because this was a result of pleasure with someone I truly loved.

And I just really needed to tell her that. Many times, I wanted to desperately, but I thought it would seem shitty to say those words, words I had never spoken to anyone other than members of my family, in a fucking bathroom while drunk, after I made her come on a countertop. That wasn't a memory I thought she would want to savor her whole life. So I waited...again.

I did say the words aloud the night we'd carved pumpkins and she declared her love for us all. I didn't even realize I had spoken the words, until I saw her gaping at me in my periphery. But I phased her out, knowing that she was still a little high and would have likely thought she was imagining things. I was so off my game with this girl, it wasn't even funny. I had always been so controlled and calculated, always two steps ahead of everything…but with Bella, she made me do spontaneous shit, making spur of the moment decisions to perform things usually against my initial better judgment.

It didn't matter. I would change every single rigid, over planned, Type A part of myself for her if it meant that I could see her happy.

I led her out of the bathroom telling her to move quickly to the door out to the rest of the house, as to evade the cokeheads in the den as well as avoid their glances because I was pretty fucking sure that they knew Bella and I were doing something sexual behind the bathroom door. As soon as we walked past the group, the blond girl snickered and said, "Have a nice night you two." Bella threw her hand up in a curt wave and we slipped out the door laughing.

In the dark hallway leading to the kitchen, Hugh Heffner was molesting his Playboy Bunny. Alice had her leg wrapped around the back of Jasper's knee while they made out, groping and clawing at each other. His fingers were inside the hem of her little pink bodysuit thing, just at the curve of her ass cheek, and she kept swatting his hand away.

I shook my head at him when we passed and he grabbed my arm yanking me back toward him, momentarily releasing Alice's mouth from his own. Her whole face was swollen and red from Jasper's barely visible blonde scruff.

"Ooooh, you look prettier somehow…" Alice remarked, cocking her head to the side with narrowed eyes as she examined Bella and her fucking neon afterglow. Bella mumbled a shy thanks as I chuckled under my breath.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Jasper demanded.

"In the bathroom," I said brusquely, moving to walk away.

"Together?" they asked in unison.

"Yeah, why?"

Alice gasped as her hand flew to cover her mouth. She dragged Bella off into the kitchen obviously knowing in that weird alien like sixth sense that girls had about shit like orgasms and cheating boyfriends and sales on designer shoes. I rubbed my forehead as I watched Bella dart her eyes back and forth to me and then Alice while she tried to contain her excitement, which I assumed was for my benefit.

"You can tell her, B. I don't care," I yelled down the hall. She smiled, grabbing Alice closer and whispering in her ear whereby Alice jumped up and down clapping and apparently doing an, "I'm so fucking happy you had your first orgasm," dance in Tyler's mom's kitchen.

"Don't even tell me you two fucked, bro," Jasper said, slapping me on the back, in an exaggerated brotherly gesture.

"I fucking wish," I mumbled incoherently. "No…just having a little non- touching fun."

Bella yelled that she and Alice were going to dance. I waved, walking into the kitchen to see if I could find some water while Jasper followed after the girls. He was so pussy whipped on Alice it wasn't even funny.

I crouched, rooting around the fridge, finally finding two unopened bottles of water, in which I downed a whole one before I even had the door shut. My throat was so fucking tight and dry still, and I wanted to sober up some before we had to leave. As I stood from my crouch, I almost dropped the bottles when Makenna stood hovering over me, effectively scaring the shit out of me.

"Hi Edward," she said softly. "I like your Ghostbuster outfit." Her speech was slightly slurred, so I knew she was definitely drunk.

"Uh, I'm actually an exterminator, but…" I stood, shutting the fridge with my foot. Makenna was wearing a slutty tiger outfit.

"I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry about um…that day…in the library…calling you gay…it was shitty and I have felt bad ever since."

I shrugged, moving a few feet back from her. "It's no big deal, Makenna. I honestly don't give a fuck what people think of me, so…"

"Oh…that's good. I wish I could be like that…" she covered her eyes with her hand momentarily. "I just wanted you to know that I was real sorry."

"Okay…thanks." I gave her a small smile, turning to leave. I could have been more appreciative for the apology, but I didn't have the energy to put forth the effort. Plus, I didn't give a shit.

"Edward? Are you and Bella…together…like boyfriend girlfriend?"

Stopping in my tracks, I answered, "Uh…yeah, why?"

"Well, Jess…thinks Mike likes Bella and I just wanted to tell Jess she had nothing to worry about. No one's ever seen you and Bella kiss or anything so, we thought maybe you were just friends or…whatever." Makenna fidgeted with her tail as she leaned back against the kitchen counter.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Bella and I are most definitely together. Fucking nosey bitches," I mumbled under my breath. "Tell Jessica that Mike is all hers. Have a good night, Makenna," I snapped, walking back into the living room. That was just what I needed- as if it wasn't bad enough they were fueling the gay rumors about me, they now added in critical scrutiny on the lack of physical contact regarding my relationship with Bella. Fucking great.

Bella, Rose, Angela, and Alice were dancing together with a bunch of other girls in the center of the large living room. Tyler's brother was on fire tonight with the music selection, and I would have enjoyed it more had I not been in such a depressed and pissy mood.

It was late and the crowded living room was scattered with mostly couples now, sucking each other's faces, some gratuitously groping simply to get their last kicks in for the night. I found an empty seat on a couch nearby, and just watched Bella move her body rhythmically and seductively to the pulsing beats of the music. Those girls were fucking nuts…any time they heard dance music they went all bat shit. But looking at her…she was laughing and giggling with her girls…she was so happy.

In the opposite corner of the living room, I noticed Mike and Alec staring at the girls with their heads together as if they were sharing big secrets or some shit. It fucking pissed me off and I was through for the night. I was fucking starving, my buzz had disappeared completely, I felt tired and shitty, and all I really wanted was to lay down with Bella and sleep until I felt decent again. I pulled out the stupid fruit snacks from my pocket and emptied half the bag into my mouth at once.

Bella spotted me, smiled, and made her way through the crowd. I handed Bella her water, which she gulped down in a mere second, ending with an audible "Ahhhh." She sat on the arm of the couch next to me covering her mouth as she yawned.

"You tired?" Bella nodded, yawning again. "Do you want to go?" She nodded again. Not being able to hold her hand as we made our rounds to say goodbye just pissed me off further and once we got into the car, I wanted to hit something. Bella shivered as she slipped into the seat, feeling the leather drench her bare skin in the cool night air. I draped her coat over her shoulders, not able to take the wings off to put the coat on properly. That just exacerbated my irritation, and I shook my head in disgust. My emotions were on a fucking seriously steep rollercoaster tonight and I just wanted it to be over with.

I turned up the heat all the way, letting the warmth soak in before I took off. She leaned her head back into the seat closing her eyes. Her skin was still flushed pink and glowing in the soft wash of the streetlights.

"Baby, are you okay?" _This is where I would have held her hand._

"Um hmm…I'm just wiped out. Are you okay? You seem pissed off." She turned to look at me. I shook my head and sighed.

"It's the usual shit, B. I'm just frustrated, it's no big deal. Hey…did you enjoy that tonight…in the bathroom?" I smirked glancing at her sideways, not wanting to bring her down from her high with my brooding_. This is where I would have run my hand up her thigh._

She bit her bottom lip, slouching into the seat. "Um, yeah? It felt weird, you know…like, so dirty but hot at the same time. And I had an actual orgasm so…now I get it. I get what the big deal about them is and... they are all right, it is amazing!"

"Is that something you would want to do again? You know…me, you, together but separate." _Please God, please say yes…_

"Yes," she answered without hesitation. I chuckled softly, turning onto our block. I pulled in front of her house and put the car in park, letting it idle. If Charlie's car hadn't been in the driveway, I would have brought her inside and asked to lay beside her. It was just one of those nights that I really needed some physical contact.

"I'll call you when I wake up?" I said, touching some curls that were hanging against her cheek. Bella had the weekend off work, so we planned to spend Sunday together since she had been gone all day Saturday at the spa.

"Good night, E," she said softly. "I… thank you for my…_or-gasm_." She laughed proudly, pronouncing the word as if she had won a prize. With that, she shimmied out of her underwear and shoved them into my coat pocket.

"Bella…"

_I love you and want to kiss the shit out of you and have you fall asleep in my arms._

I sighed. "Sweet Dreams."

Later, after I changed, tucked the undies into my Box-O- Bella and scoffed down some organic toaster pastries, or shitty imitation Pop Tarts as I preferred to call them. A light was on in the den, I found my mother engrossed in a novel while curled under a blanket on the couch. I stood in the doorway for a minute, not saying anything to her, just watching her read. She looked up, smiled at me, and patted the couch next to her, just knowing in that magic way that mom's do that her son craved some love.

And I went because I wasn't too proud or too old to admit that I really needed my mom at that moment. Suddenly I was five years old again, cuddling on the couch with my head in her lap as she ran her fingers through my hair until I fell asleep to the story she was reading to me.

Only this time, she didn't read aloud…she stayed quiet, simply letting me cry silent tears of frustration and pain soaking her pajama pants.

**~%~**

I woke up the next day just after ten with a raging headache to match my raging morning wood. I couldn't even manage to relieve myself because my grandma called, and as usual, she had me on the phone for a good hour telling me of the parties at the country club and the insane gossip that circled around their social group. She could talk forever and I would find endless amusement in everything she had to say, regardless of the fact that I was horny, hungry and in desperate need of some aspirin.

My grandparents weren't the real elderly kind that played bingo and argued with each other about what day of the fucking week it was. They were young and cool and I missed them both. Gram was so excited when I told her all about Bella and she was more than a little curious to know how that was working out without being able to touch each other. I left out the sordid details, but gave her the general idea of what we did together, and she seemed genuinely happy for me. I promised to email her the Halloween pictures and she said she was looking forward to seeing all of us at Christmas.

Bella beeped in, informing me that since it was so shitty outside and cold, she was planning on making apple pie and dinner with her dad's girlfriend. Though I wasn't at all domesticated or interested in culinary arts in the least, I accepted the invitation and headed over there after I worked out, showered and ate a late lunch.

Maggie answered the door, looking at me with a very odd expression. She had this huge ass smile on her face and she hugged me tightly, startling me, but making me feel welcome nonetheless. I assumed Bella told her about me, but I could have been wrong. Maybe she was just really friendly. Either way, I accepted the hug gratefully, asking where Bella was.

After following Maggie into the kitchen, Bella whispered a shy hello and continued to peel and core the apples we had picked. She gave me small assignments, asking me to cut up small pats of butter and mix or measure out this and that and I found that it was really fun. It didn't seem to matter what we did together; Bella and I enjoyed each other's company in just about any situation.

However, to my complete and utter surprise, watching Bella cook was a major turn on. I loved the way she moved around so self assuredly and even when she had half of the bag of flour covering her face, she was still beautiful. I knew that the end of the semester was shortly after Thanksgiving and we would need to find an elective to replace study hall. I had never considered taking home economics because it was what the girls all went for, but since I was already lumped in with the girlie/ gay crowd, then why not?

After all, Bella did marvel at how perfect my apple slices were and how well I took direction considering I was a control freak and hated being instructed. I explained that was only the case when I knew I was not only capable of something but also good at it, and when I was new to something, I was always willing to learn. And then I helped prepare dinner as well, peeling potatoes and carrots for beef stew, which after four hours in a pressure cooker or some shit, was fucking mouthwatering delicious. I have to say, I was proud of myself, as was I of Bella.

We ate one of the amazing pies we made for dessert, topped with drizzled caramel and vanilla ice cream, and though I tried to help clean up, I was escorted into the den to accompany Charlie in watching the baseball game.

I think Bella coerced Maggie into doing that to either have girl talk or to get me to spend time with her father alone, which I didn't particularly enjoy to be truthful. He intimidated me to a certain extent and I hated feeling edgy and nervous around anyone. It never occurred to me that Bella would have shoved me in front of a baseball game to try and rouse me into playing again.

Maggie and Charlie left, heading back to Seattle for the next few days, before Bella and I slipped upstairs to her bedroom. She changed into her pajamas, pink flannel button down with cows printed on them, and came in to lay with me on her bed. We shared a pillow, a very Bella scented pillow, being about as close as we could be without actually having physical contact. Her breath was caramel scented and warm on my face and all I wanted to do was kiss her sweet lips.

I turned on my side to face her, twirling a strand of hair around my finger tightly, watching the tip of my skin gradually turn white from the interrupted circulation. I knew she had something on her mind by the way she kept opening her mouth to say something and then closing it as she chickened out. I didn't press her, I simply stayed quiet in the dim light of her room, taking in the moment.

"Can we talk about last night?" she finally asked softly.

"The orgasm?" I replied brightly, still playing with her hair and resisting the strong pull to kiss her lips.

"The coke."

I groaned. "Oh that," I said, with a sigh.

"You wanted to do it, didn't you?" Her soft tone wasn't accusatory, just questioning.

I darted my eyes away from hers in shame. "Yes." I couldn't lie to her or avoid the question again. It would have been wrong and completely pointless because she knew the answer prior to asking the question.

"So why didn't you?"

"I don't know," I said, darting my eyes away from hers again.

_Coward._

"E, please talk to me," Bella's huge brown eyes begged as well.

I sighed and after about a minute, I responded, "Well, because you were there and the last thing I need is to do that shit. It's not like I get regular cravings for it…I was just in a crappy frame of mind and seeing it just made me feel like I wanted to do it. I don't really know."

"What's it like?" she said, tracing circles on the bedspread between us.

"What, Coke?" She nodded. "Um…it's crazy, really. Your heart races out of your chest and you have so much energy and it's sort of scary but at the same time it's so fucking amazing. It's this huge surge of adrenaline…like a rush to your head and in that second it hits your brain or whatever, you feel like a fucking god… a king… like you are invincible. Any shitty feelings are instantly erased and time speeds up infinitely. So for the thirty minutes it lasts, life is great. But then you don't want that feeling to stop so you keep doing it until you can't function anymore. Coming down is the worst…it's a few days of being depressed and sick."

"That sounds fun," she said rolling her eyes. "I guess I get the appeal but…"

I swallowed and exhaled. "How would you feel if I did it?" I asked, out of sheer curiosity.

"Um…Edward, I don't want to tell you what to do, but it would make me very unhappy if you did. And if you ever do it, I never want to witness you do it and I don't want to be around you when you're high on coke. Please, don't do it…please?"

"I won't, don't worry," I smiled, brushing the end of her nose with a lock of her hair.

Bella's chin lifted up indignantly. "What would you say if I wanted to try it?"

As soon as the words left her mouth, I clenched my teeth and my fists simultaneously. "Bella…don't you dare even think about it. That shit is so dangerous and addictive and I …"

_Love you too much to ever see you get involved with anything that disgusting._

She abruptly cut me off, "E relax…I have no desire to do it, I just wanted to see what you would say. I can't even take cold medicine without having my heart palpitate, so don't worry." I nodded, closing my eyes in relief.

We were still for a while after that; the only sounds in the room our breathing or the occasional rustle of the bed linens underneath us. Staring into her eyes, I could see her warmth and her kindness and the depth of her emotions. But also, if I looked hard enough, I was able to see what the brown reflected…it was me, Edward Anthony Cullen…little boy lost.

Bella was like this angel, this beautiful saintly creature that wandered aimlessly into my life, making me feel alive for the first time in a long time, making me feel like wanting to live for something other that simply existing. She gave me something I never thought I would see again. She gave me hope.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked softly.

"How unfair life is," I answered quietly, releasing my lower lip from my teeth. "How sometimes I used to think that I must have been a serial murderer or something awfully evil in another life to deserve the shitty deal I've been given in this one. And then you came along and I know for sure I must be in hell because what could I possibly have done that was so horrific that the devil would dangle you in front of my face and won't let me have you?" Overcome with emotion as the words left my mouth, my eyes pricked with tears for the second day in a row. I couldn't stop them from falling and it was futile to hide it from Bella.

Bella's eyes clouded over with sadness, tears brimming along the surface. "I'm so sorry," she whispered as little trails of tears slid down her cheeks onto the bedspread. She reached out and grazed her fingers along mine. Her hand was trembling.

I allowed a tear to fall down my temple before I wiped it with the back of my hand. My voice cracked as I looked down at our connected hands.

"But then I think that maybe…maybe you were sent to me because I am good and I do deserve a person like you in my life." I sniffed, coughing back a full blown sob. I could feel my bottom lip quivering like a baby's, but I didn't care, because Bella's silent tears were mirroring my own. I felt her pain, I felt her sadness…they were all mine.

"Do you think that's maybe the case, Bella? Do you think that I am good enough inside to deserve you? Do you think that you could possibly ever love me the way I love you?" I shut my eyes, gasping back the choked breaths that accompanied the quiet sobs. Bella's fingers laced through mine, tightening around my palm. She leaned over, placing a small kiss on my thumb. I could feel warm wetness where her tears splashed on my skin.

"Edward," she sniffed, inching her face closer to mine. "You are sweet and good and wonderful and I love you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes, so don't you ever…ever doubt who you are. This isn't your fault and I don't know why it happened, but it doesn't matter because I would still love you without question, no matter what. I'll love you forever and ever, E. I promise."

And before either of us knew it, our noses touched just the tiniest bit before Bella's lips brushed gently against mine. It was but a feather blowing in the wind…soft, almost non existent…but there, present and tenderly defined. And though the kiss didn't last more than a fraction of a second, it was real.

Bella, my sweet beautiful Bella, who was my angel and my reason to wake up in the morning, loved me. And a huge piece of the ginormous black hole that was gaping in my life closed up in that very moment. Because I knew no matter what ugliness had stained my past, my future was with Bella, bright and beautiful and full of hope just like her.

Because I was loved, whether I deserved it or not.

**~%~**


	20. Chapter 20 Broken Angels

**Thank you as always to Becca for proofing and to Suzy who…well you know what you do BB. TY. Thanks and blushes to everyone who is reading the story and feeling E & B's pain. **

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 20~** **Broken Angels**

**We're just two tarnished hearts,  
But in each other's arms  
We become saints and angels  
I love your imperfections  
I love your everything  
Your broken heart, your broken wings  
I love you when you hold me  
And when you turn away,  
I love you still, and I'm not afraid  
Cause I know you feel the same way  
And you'll stay**

**Sara Evans~ Saints and Angels**

**~Bella~**

Edward said, "I love you,"…_out loud._

At the time, I didn't know exactly what to make of it because it wasn't even remotely close to how I expected it to happen, how I had anticipated hearing those three words…from Edward…for the first time.

I had thought about it a great deal. Probably too much if I was being honest. And the fact that I watched, (though sporadically) these ridiculously far fetched teen dramas with these boys making grand gestures with their professions of undying love…well, that I suppose, is what I was expecting Edward to do, if and when he ever said it to me. I was expecting something huge and emphatic and theatrical, sandwiched between smiles and laughter. Something very ostentatious like Edward himself.

No…not the way he said it.

If I thought about it hard enough, it was sort of like I got the Walmart version when I was expecting the Nordstrom's…but I hadn't realized how much more I liked the discount edition. Was I disappointed? Hell no, because what I failed to realize when I woke the next morning under the warmth of my covers and Edward gone from my bed, was that in his own way, it was the grandest, most impressive admission of all. His_ I love you_- soft spoken and gentile, masked inside the quiet, hidden proclamation of his feelings inserted between tears and pain and most of all, self loathing.

Edward Cullen, the beautiful boy who seemed to have everything- looks, money, intelligence, charm and a wonderful family- felt he deserved none of it. He didn't feel as though he deserved anything good in his life because he was so bad. He didn't think that he deserved me- me…the messed up girl who ran away from her shame and pain only to fall hard and fast for the one boy in the whole world she couldn't physically be with. I tried my very best to make him understand that he was loved back and that he wasn't ever to think such lowly thoughts of himself because none of his situation was his fault, but he didn't believe me, I could tell. His beautiful beach glass eyes gave him away. They were sad and angry at the same time. The hurt was plain as day and I would do anything to take it away.

He put me on this pedestal…referring to me as his angel that saved him. The thoughts I had of him were far less than angelic…if he only knew...

How this thought process worked, I couldn't possibly understand, because I didn't think I did anything but cause him more angst.

My very presence was a constant reminder of what he had been accused of and what he couldn't have. Even by association- my step father being a baseball player and Edward giving that up, and Charlie being a an ex-cop, current Private investigator, and Edward obviously feeling intimidated and uncomfortable in his company. I don't think it was simple teenage boy fear that plagued him. It was fear- fear that Charlie would somehow, with his deft investigative prowess or some sort of internal perv detector… just _know._

I couldn't imagine having to live like that, always fearful of things that weren't even in your control. Just touching me or any other female accidentally had him shaking in his ridiculously overpriced shoes. At the Halloween party, Edward didn't even make an attempt to get me a drink, because the rooms were all so crowded and he knew it was inevitable that he would touch someone. Not that anyone there was watching him...well, watching him for that specific reason. It didn't escape my notice that Makenna, Jessica and Lauren had her eyes planted on Edward and I almost the whole night.

I said nothing to him, because he was having a shitty night to begin with and the last thing I wanted to do was to aggravate his anxiety and pissy mood, but those girls watching him creeped me out. I was just going to assume that they were ogling him and leave it at that. That didn't stop my thoughts of wanting to claw their eyes out of their heads with my freshly painted finger nails. I guess the OPI nail polish name "Blood Thirsty" had different meanings depending on the wearer.

The fact that Mike was being overly flirtatious with me while I was dancing bothered me too. Though I told him flat out that I was with Edward, Mike said, "So, I'm here with Jessica and even if I am here talking or dancing with another girl she'll still be on her knees blowing me afterward. So relax." I should have slapped him across his smug face and immediately warned Jess, but I owed her nothing and quite frankly, I didn't give a shit about her and I was trying to stop being the nice girl all the time. Mike was scum and I decided there and then I had no respect for him. As far as I was concerned, they deserved each other.

And then there was the issue of the cocaine. Edward practically salivated over it, staring at it as if it was fresh water in the middle of a dessert. I knew he wanted to do it, and that scared the living shit out of me.

Drugs petrified me. Yeah, call me a big fat hypocrite because since moving to Forks, I smoked pot nearly every day. I really didn't consider marijuana a hardcore drug. I had never heard of anyone dying from an overdose from pot and it was a natural herb, (sort of) and wasn't so addicting like meth or heroin that people robbed banks and stuff because they were under the influence. Well, aside from the occasional convenience store theft when an occasional penniless pothead got overzealous for some Cheetos and Little Debbie's cupcakes.

Cocaine was different. In California, the people I hung with did coke all the time. Rich kids had access to so many drugs it was frightening and for whatever reason, coke was the sin of choice. I guess it was because though it made you high, it still allowed you to be in complete control. I had asked Edward what it was like, even though I already knew from what Bree had told me. I wanted to know his personal experience with it and it scared me to listen him talk about how it affected him because his tone was almost alight with recollection at the excitement of it. He said he wouldn't do it again and I believed him. Therefore, I left it at that, hoping that Edward would be good to his word and would respect my wishes.

On Monday at school, I was nervous to see him after the previous night, not knowing where this had left us. I dressed extra carefully, wearing the white blouse with the fluttery sleeves because I knew he liked that top. I wondered how he would behave with me now…if he would be sweet and loving, or back to his usual hardened, brooding, mysterious boy façade. Jekyll and Hyde had nothing on my beautiful boy.

Edward had cried in front of me, told me he loved me and then admitted he thought he wasn't good enough to be with me. That had to mean there would be a definite adjustment in our relationship. Oh yeah, and also the fact that he saw my entire cootch spread eagle while I masturbated and helped me to reach a fucktastic orgasm. That too.

But Edward didn't meet me after second period like he usually did. I texted him, wondering where the hell he could possibly be but received no reply. It terrified me that he had run away or thought he had made some colossal mistake or something in admitting his feelings. In bed that previous night I had held his hand and sort of kissed him, because I was so moved by his words that preceded his tears…was he embarrassed, was he angry that I touched him? How he could be angry…it was the sweetest, most heartfelt moment of my entire life and he was running away from that?

I waited anxiously for a reply chewing my nails down to nothing and obsessing over his absence. In third period, Rosalie practically assaulted me with questions knowing that something was wrong. I felt as if I was completely betraying Edward's trust by exposing his truth and vulnerability but I was such a frigging wreck about it, I had to divulge something to someone.

Therefore, I wrote her a note describing everything that had happened, emphasizing the fact that Edward wasn't around today. She passed one back telling me to not worry and that his 'sort of' I love you, was a _definite_ I love you and not just some tear filled rambling. In her opinion, she felt that he was not the kind of guy that gave those word or feelings out frequently or freely and that was his way of showing me or telling me his feelings in one big snot filled mess. She put my mind at ease for the time being and then finally at lunch, Jasper told me Edward had woken that morning very sick with a terrible sore throat and fever. I felt stupid for even thinking anything negative of him, and then questioned the reasons for my unfounded insecurity.

I debated whether or not I should attempt to see him after school, but Jasper said I probably should and not to worry about his failure to reply to my text, because Edward was likely sleeping. Apparently, he got sick like this every year and it was bad. Needless to say I was so relieved. Then I felt shitty, because I realized that I would prefer him sick and in pain as opposed to leaving me. Yeah, some angel I was.

After Bio, I called Charlie, prepared to tell him an elaborate lie about how I got my period and it seeped through my white pants (as if I would be caught dead wearing white pants in November) and I needed to go home because I was dying of embarrassment. But as soon as I mentioned the word period, Charlie emphatically ordered me to stop talking. The man would sign over the deed to his house and the title to his brand new truck without batting an eye in order to avoid any kind of conversation on the topic of his daughter's menstrual cycle.

_Good to know for the future._

That being said, I signed out after sixth period, hit the grocery story for the ingredients for chicken soup, while I picked up some popsicles and a big bag of M&M's. I bought some lozenges and a handful of instant scratch off lottery tickets that I flirted with the guy behind the counter to let me purchase despite the fact that I was not eighteen. I loved having boobs…they were better than an Amex card.

Oh, and I promised to share my winnings with the dude…as if that was ever going to happen. _Sucker_.

If I won big, well, I don't know the first thing I would buy, because the one thing I wanted right now couldn't be purchased with money. Edwards happiness was absolutely priceless and unfortunately, not for sale.

At home, I made the soup quickly, anxious to get over to see Edward, but terribly nervous at the same time. Esme's Jag was in the driveway and I was hoping I could bypass her because I thought perhaps she might be insulted that I was cooking for her son. But when she opened the door for me, her face brightened.

"Bella! Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Are you staying for a bit, because I'd like to run out for a few hours and I don't want to leave him alone? Edward is a gigantic baby when he's sick, just so you know." Esme rolled her eyes and smiled, ushering me inside. She was talking a mile a minute, sounding like the crazed mothers I use to baby sit for that were dying to make a quick escape while their kids were watching "Dora the Explorer" DVD's.

"Sure, go ahead," I laughed. "Is he okay?" Esme craned her neck as she peeked in the bag. "It's chicken soup with tortellini. I hope it's alright that I cooked for him," I explained while smiling sheepishly.

"Of course! He hates my cooking and I haven't been able to get him to eat anything at all today. Carlisle did a culture on him this morning and he has Strep, so don't share a spoon with him or you'll get it too." Esme slipped on her coat and slung her pocketbook over her shoulder. "I'll be back in a few. He has my cell number if you need anything. Oh and there's a bottle of antibiotics on his nightstand. If he eats, make sure he takes one at four." The door shut and she was out like a flash down the driveway. No wonder she liked Alice. I had never realized how similar they were in this moment...in a frantic sort of way. Edward being sick must have been really trying on Esme.

I went into the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and a spoon and put the box of popsicles in the freezer. I headed upstairs to Edward's room knocking on his door lightly, but when there was no answer, I slipped inside quietly shutting the door behind me. He was lying on his stomach, shirtless, one arm curled under his pillow and the other hand by his mouth. I could see a faint sheen of dark stubble along his jaw…a first. The hair at his neck was matted and damp and he looked so sexy, yet so vulnerable. I think I even spotted a tiny glint of drool coming from his mouth.

_Awww...so cute and so gross at the same time._

On his nightstand was a closed prescription bottle and a container of Advil sitting next to a half empty glass of water. There was one of those ear thermometers and some throat spray, all organized neatly. I smiled thinking that even when he was sick he was tidy.

After I put the soup on the nightstand, I sat on the couch across from his bed for a while watching him sleep. He was by far the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. So peaceful, so lovely, even for a boy. Just the way his dark lashes feathered over his cheeks, the way the smoothness of his pale skin rippled over his muscles when he breathed, his chest rising and falling minutely. I could have watched him sleep all day, though…the urge to touch him was overwhelming, as was the urge to lick the little matching dimples that punctuated the base of his spine. I thought that maybe if I did it lightly, he wouldn't ever know. It was bad and wrong, but I understood why he didn't want to make a habit of touching in private.

Touching him was like an addiction. I needed it…I craved the feel of his skin warming my fingers and the way it felt being so close to him, absorbing his smell and his _everything_. Tentatively, I moved over from the couch to the edge of the bed, just where I had sat the day he let me watch him taking care of himself. It took a few minutes of staring before I reached my hand out ghosting my fingers along his spine. His skin was burning hot from the fever. He sighed and I immediately withdrew my hand, fearful that he would be angry if he woke and found me sneaking contact.

But like the skin addict I was swiftly becoming, I waited a few minutes before I reached out to run the tip of my finger over the crescent of his ear, through the damp hair at the nape of his neck, down his shoulder and to his bicep, stopping at his inked arm. The skin was raised in certain areas where the ink was, and I found the intricate tribal pattern wrapped around curving muscle to be fascinating.

Edward sighed again, this time mashing his face into the pillow underneath him. He moaned softly, clearly a sound of pain. His lashes fluttered open and he stared at his nightstand, furrowing his eyebrows at the bag I had brought. He hadn't noticed I was there.

"Hey," I said softly, as he jumped, covering his face and then moaning again.

"Hi B." His voice was barely audible, scratchy and gravelly. He swiped his hand across his mouth, effectively wiping away his drool.

"How do you feel?" I almost thought I should probably sit on my hands because the desire to caress his cheek was overpowering. Edward reached for the glass of water, took a sip, and winced.

"Fuck," he breathed as he swallowed hard. "I feel like shit. I think I might die. You're not sick too?"

I shook my head no, as he rolled over, pulling the covers up to his chest. "I was worried when you didn't meet me today. I thought maybe you were avoiding me cause you were weirded out by last night," I said quietly. He smiled, looking down, obviously a little embarrassed. He looked different with the stubble… older even. Though still damp, his shiny, unstyled hair was in an unusual state of un-gel. It was beautiful and so soft looking. I could swear I heard it call my name_...Bella, Bella touch me..._

"If I had my way I would have spent the night with you, but my mom called at like two am wondering where the hell I was. I felt like shit, so I came home. I wish I could have woken up with you, though," he whispered roughly.

"Me too. I…" I wanted to say something about his opening up to me and saying those words, but I chickened out. "I brought you some soup. It's tortellini in chicken broth. Are you hungry?"

He nodded his head while his eyes lit up, giving me a surge of pride that my cooking could elicit such a reaction from a dying man. While he sat up, I helped him adjust the pillows behind his back when my hand accidentally on purpose... may or may not have touched his back dimples.

I carefully poured some of the soup into a bowl and held it out for him, knowing that even in his state of suffering, he was watching me nervously thinking that I would inevitably spill something.

"Do you want me to feed you?" I chuckled.

He smirked lightly, bringing the spoon to his lips. "Thanks, I can manage." He took a few sips, wincing everytime he swallowed, followed by a colorful expletive to explain the pain it caused. His hair kept falling in his face, annoying him, so I pulled out a little claw clip from my hair and raked back his hair before clipping it in place.

He looked at me with disbelief, complaining, "Bella, don't fuck with me when I'm sick." But I left it in, laughing lightly at him with my clip in his hair, effectively keeping the wayward lock from annoying him. He didn't remove the clip, he just continued to eat. I liked that he was partially submissive when he was sick.

"I need a haircut," he said flatly. I smiled and covered my mouth because of what Maggie had said while we were cleaning up dinner. She saw Edward when he first came in and got all weird on me.

Later, she was sort of dumbfounded at how it was such a small world, explaining that…well, I think her exact words were, "Your boyfriend is a regular customer in my salon and all the girls there nicknamed him "Catnip" because he attracts all the wealthy cougars. They literally drool uncontrollably over his hot man- boy bod and chiseled features and his just after sex hair…God, that hair! How do you stand it, Bella? You two must be all over each other when your dad's not here, huh?" She was fanning herself animatedly.

If she only knew the immeasurable amount of restraint it took to do that, considering I had so very little parental supervision. I had rolled my eyes at the cougar comment, but in all honesty, it was to be expected. He was gorgeous.

She told me that E got manicures and pedicures and also got his eyebrows waxed, but she was supposed to keep all that confidential. I knew about doctor/ patient confidentiality, but I had no idea that cosmetologist/customer confidentiality existed as well. Edward getting professionally manscaped did not surprise me at all, but I thought it was sort of comical and so perfectly _him_.

He ate more soup than I expected him to because it was so painful for him to swallow, but I found that it was so satisfying to take care of him. Eventually, I took the bowl away from him, setting it on the nightstand, as he patted the bed next to him.

While I kicked off my shoes, I climbed in beside Edward, smiling as I imagined us as old people, eating soup together as we took out our dentures and laid them next to each other on the nightstand. He would wrap my shoulders in one of the four hundred ugly afghans that I had knitted, and I would hold his hand all liver spotted and wrinkly, but still beautiful. And I would say, "I love you," and he would say "I love you more," and then we would argue about who had the most love. It would be funny and sweet and it made me a little sad to think of us that way. I would always see Edward as beautiful, no matter what he looked like, because truly he was, inside and out.

I gave him his pill as Esme requested, feeling oddly motherly, but liking it just the same. He slunk back down into the covers, smooshing one of his pillows against his body. It served as a boundary between us, while we lay face to face again. His pillow case smelled like him and made my whole body fill with comfort and lust. I made a mental note to steal one once he had recovered.

"Maggie knows you from her salon," I said smirking.

He blinked rapidly. "E-Clips is her place? That's why she was looking at me funny yesterday! I couldn't figure out why she was eyeing me like that. I knew I recognized her from somewhere. Oh shit, she didn't tell you…" Edward winced partially from the pain after talking so much and I think maybe even from the idea of me knowing he received regular pampering treatments.

I chuckled. "The eyebrows…yeah, that's sort of obvious, but mannies and peddies? Really?" I said, wrinkling my nose teasingly.

He laughed and sighed. "In my defense," he said roughly, "I'm half Italian and if I don't do my eyebrows I look like a fucking yeti. And the other shit well…I don't get them entirely because of the outcome, though that is a bonus. It just…feels really good." He shrugged his shoulders, wincing as he swallowed again. "Jasper and Em get them too, so go laugh at those girlie motherfuckers cause they have no excuse."

I nodded. "Oh…oooohhh," I said, as the proverbial light bulb went off. He got them simply because he liked the physical contact. And if that wasn't one of the saddest things I had ever heard, I didn't know what was.

"Sometimes I get massages there too. They are amazing. Have you ever had one?" I shook my head no, creeping my fingers closer to his. "Well, I have to go into Seattle on Saturday to take care of some legal shit, and I want to get a haircut while I'm there. If you want to come, I'll make an appointment for a massage for you and then we can go somewhere nice for lunch. I should be better by the end of the week." His voice was absolutely raw and some of the words came out almost inaudibly.

I smiled brightly, nodding in excitement. "That sounds great, but don't talk anymore, okay? It's making me hurt listening to you." Edward just nodded. I smiled at his hair because he was still wearing my clip unknowingly.

At the same time out of pure habit, he reached his hand up to run his fingers through his hair. When he hit the clip, I could see the mischievous gleam in his eyes. He unclasped it and as he pulled out he whispered playfully, "You are pure evil to tease a dying man and I hate you immensely."

I clicked my tongue against the roof of my mouth rolling my eyes. "Oh, you_ love_ me immensely and you know it." Stunned immediately afterward, I though maybe perhaps I had replied too quickly.

His hand reached out to put the clip back in my hair and he whispered, "Yes, I do…_immensely_." And then I melted into a gooey puddle of love struck ooze right there on his bed. It was strange to hear him say such things to me but amazing at the same time. It made me feel woozy and high.

The back of his pinkie brushed against my forehead as his eyes struggled to stay open. Edward whispered, "Thank you, Beautiful," and then just a few minutes later, he drifted off to sleep. I couldn't help but observe the way it seemed more than a simple thank you for the soup…it gave the impression of maybe a whisper of gratitude for listening to him and being there for him, and maybe even… for loving him back.

I watched him sleep peacefully, until I heard Esme come in the house again. I whispered, "I love you. Feel better," to Edward while I kissed his head softly. I collected up the soup paraphernalia bringing everything downstairs. She smirked at the empty soup bowl and I just muttered that he was really hungry.

Esme had a ton of groceries, which I helped her unpack while we chatted. She asked me to stay for dinner, but I declined, knowing I had English homework and I wanted to repolish my nails since I had slaughtered my fresh manicure with my Edward anxiety.

I left the remaining soup in the fridge with a note reading "_Edward's- eat and die a slow horrible death,_" knowing that both his brothers and maybe even his father would fight to the death to eat something non- organic with preservatives and salt and actual flavor in it.

As I was about to leave, I pursed my lips debating whether or not to ask Esme a question. Her head was buried in the freezer and I wasn't even sure she would hear me. "Esme? Is there something I can do for him? I mean to make this easier?" I bit my lip feeling needlessly uncomfortable with the topic.

"Oh, well… he'll be out of school until Friday I am sure so if you want to grab his books and homework assignments that would be helpful, and of course you can bring more food." She winked at me while holding up the box of popsicles I had brought. I laughed lightly shaking my head.

"Of course…but no, I meant, can I do something to help his…_situation_? He seems so frustrated all the time and I can't help feeling that I am making it worse by just being around reminding him of what he can't do." My feet shifted from one to the other while I awaited her answer.

She sighed, smoothing her hair back. "I think that the situation is what it is and Edward has to deal with it in whatever way works for him. It has to run its course. You have made things so much better for him, and I can truly understand your feeling like the opposite. He cares for you very much, Bella. He smiles now and he laughs like he hasn't in a very long time. You are a good influence on Edward. Carlisle and I both appreciate that, as well as your acceptance of him and…" she paused before she finished her sentence, "not many girls your age would."

I nodded, smiling. "He's worth the wait."

She walked toward me and to my absolute surprise, she placed a kiss on the top of my head. "Thank you."

I waved good bye, and just as I was about to shut the front door, she called, "Bella?" I turned, making eye contact with her. "Get him to play baseball again. That …that would help tremendously."

I left, pondering that thought. Baseball was something he loved, excelled at, and was proud of. If he could get that part of himself back, it would probably help his self esteem or whatever enormously. I didn't know how to do that because it was a sensitive subject with him, and any time I broached it, he would shut down. Perhaps a little phone call to Phil was in order. Maybe Charlie wasn't the only one in the family with stealthy police like skills...

**~%~**

The next afternoon, I made some more soup for Edward, tomato this time, and brought it over after school. He still was in bed, still groggy and in pain and not feeling any better. I brought his books and assignments in which I gave him all the answers for. Not that he needed my help, but he didn't feel like thinking in his state.

I did the same thing all week listening to him piss and moan about being so close to the loss of his mortality as he knew it. It was no wonder women gave birth. I rolled my eyes..._again_, as he related his near death experience...all the while watching him gradually progress back to health. Esme was so right about him being a big fat baby when he was sick.

On Wednesday, he was lying on his bed with his tongue hanging out of his mouth while clutching a hand written copy of his will. Basically, it said that all of his worldly possessions should be divided up between Jasper and Emmett, Alice was to have his car, Rose got his left toenail from his big toe, his bank account should go to a local homeless shelter and as for me…well, I got his heart. Literally- he wanted his heart to be put into a fancy jar of formaldehyde so I could keep it on my nightstand to remember him forever.

He was a sick fuck, but I loved him anyway.

On Thursday he dragged me outside to keep him company as he had cigarette and while I complained of the rain and cold, he whined that he hadn't smoked in four days and he was about to die a cold hard death from withdrawal.

By Friday afternoon, he was much better, actually wearing clothing and sitting at the kitchen table sucking on a cherry popsicle while waiting eagerly for me to bring his food. He had asked for pizza, which I happily brought and shared with Jasper and Emmett. Later, Alice and Rose came over and we all played Cranium and snuck beers from the bar in the basement acting like normal teenagers. I scolded E, telling him not to mix alcohol with antibiotics. He glared at me and reminded me that antibiotics thing only counted if the person was on birth control.

Quietly I said to him, "You _are_ on birth control...just not Doctor prescribed."

He raised his eyebrow and quickly flipped me off. I heard Em in the background yell, "Hey Tink...Eddie thinks your number one!"

Edward leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Beautiful, you are my number one. The one that holds my heart."

"Yeah, in a jar on my nightstand," I scowled, even though the words melted me all over, I would have punched him for the cheesiness if I had been permitted to.

Saturday morning, Edward and I headed out to Seattle around seven am to make his ten thirty appointment with his truant officer. He was wearing flat front beige pants, a pale blue button down shirt and brown dress shoes with a matching belt. He even had on a frigging navy blue tie!

Edward's hair was styled really different as well, much neater and almost parted to the side all nerdish and so not the trendy way he usually had it. I raised an eyebrow at his completely un-Edward outfit, but he just explained that his attorney advised him to play the part of a "good boy" when he made his appointments. Apparently in his attorney's eyes, good boy equaled "preppy nerd" or "geek chic," but who was I to make that assumption.

He was quiet in the car on the way there, just nodding and listening to me ramble nervously, though I don't know how much of what I said he actually absorbed. I tried to take his mind off things by telling him stories about the past week at school and all the teenage trauma and drama contained in the walls of Forks High School.

We listened to his iPod and I found I really liked this new band that he had playing- some up and coming indie rock group called New Moon. Occasionally, he would bite his fingernails and give me a meek smile, so I knew he was anxious. I was feeding off his nerves, feeling jumpy and awkward.

I asked him what actually happened at his appointments, and he just said that he had to answer a bunch of mundane routine questions about school and how he spent his free time and then it was over. He said the shittiest part was that they usually made him wait almost an hour to see the guy, which he felt was deliberate, just to prove how much control he didn't have and how he was just a lowly piece of shit who deserved to be treated as such. I could clearly see evidence in his diminutive posture and his demeanor that this whole thing defeated him.

Though Edward said he very much wanted my company while he waited inside the Juvenile Court building, he didn't want to be seen with me, for obvious reasons. I waited in his car while he was inside, texting back and forth to kill time and hoping to uplift his spirits. An hour and a half later, he came striding out, grinning and cheerful.

He pulled around the back of a nearby building where in the front seat, he changed into another shirt and jeans. It was a much more Edward-ish outfit and he smirked as I licked my lips when his pants disappeared, revealing his gray boxer briefs…tight gray boxer briefs that outlined every curve and…bulge…of his beautiful body. God bless Calvin Klein and his miraculous undergarments. Boxer briefs were indeed a gift to the females of this world.

I wanted him. I needed to see it, touch it, taste it, smell it, rub it on my cheek…

We hadn't done anything sexual in nature since Halloween and it sort of concerned me that I was so anxious and eager to get more of that when I knew I shouldn't be pushing any of it.

I was a skin addict. A full on hardcore Edward Cullen skin addict. I wondered if there was a specific type of therapy or like, a 12 step program for that.

_Hi, I'm Isabella, and I am addicted to my boyfriend's skin. I am seven days clean._

However, as badly as I wanted him, I did nothing to initiate another round of masturbation and neither did he.

After shedding the super straight-laced outfit, he pulled out a travel size bottle of hair stuff, squirted a small circle on his palm and proceeded to eliminate the preppy nerd and resurrect the crazy yet artfully controlled hair of the boy I was enamored with. It was fascinating watching him coif himself in the mirror making sure every hair was perfectly messy even though we were on our way to the salon. I mentioned this and he simply shrugged his shoulders.

With his change in appearance and the departure of the court building behind us, Edward was a new man. He was smiling and unusually happy, and I was so relieved that he was back.

Eventually, we found a really nice steak house downtown to eat lunch at and though the hostess eyefucked Edward, I was glad to get a male waiter that blatantly eyefucked me. Edward was overly difficult with him, asking for things like the mashed potatoes to be specifically put in a red dish to the left of his plate, and requesting that I only wanted to have my sparkling water to be refilled when it was exactly one third empty.

He of course, did this deliberately and I told him I was going to be pissed if I found a pubic hair or a glob of spit on my seared tuna steak. Edward reassured me that they would never do such a thing in an upscale place such as we were eating in, and that I should trust him. I still inspected my food in a way only the daughter of a private investigator/ex-police chief could, wishing I had accepted that junior forensics kit Charlie wanted to get me for my fourteenth birthday.

Then, Edward left like a fifty dollar tip on a one hundred dollar meal just because I made him feel bad for torturing the waiter. He simply but sarcastically answered me, "Yes dear. What ever you say dear," rolled his eyes and threw the money on the table. I picked it up and secured it under the saltshaker like it was a high end security devise.

After we finished eating, we walked down to the Pacific Plaza where I swear Edward's eyes twinkled and shone a brightness that I had yet to see in him. I realized that the center was filled with all the high end stores that weren't to be found anywhere near Port Angeles. He had found his promise land and it opened its arms to welcome home its prodigal son…and his American Express Platinum card.

He bought about four thousand dollars worth of clothes in Barney's, including a three hundred dollar sweater for me that I didn't even say I liked, (though I did very much), but since he liked it, he bought it for me regardless. After that, I made sure to not even give a cursory glance at anything else because the mere suggestion that I fancied something made Edward shop happy.

If I were to be entirely honest there was a beautiful little pair of Christian Dior boots that I would have given up my virginity for, but they were almost a thousand dollars and I couldn't ask Edward to buy them for me, even though it wouldn't have made a dent in his wallet.

I loved gifts, don't get me wrong, but he wasn't even looking at price tags- just giving things quick glances and asking me if I like them. If I said yes, then the shirt or coat or jeans were thrown over his arm or mine and it was done. Credit card slapped on the counter one second, armloads of bags the next.

We went into Cartier, where Edward dropped six grand on a watch. I had never even seen him wear a watch before and when I asked him about it, he said it was because the one he had, he didn't like to wear for a reason he declined to divulge. I asked him what time it was and he proudly and exuberantly threw his wrist out and told me, "2:17."

I laughed made the same grand gesture and said, "Why look at that… mine says the exact same thing and it was only fifty-six bucks at my moms store." He mumbled something under his breath to the tune of, "Beautiful smart ass."

The lady behind the counter eyed us warily, asking for his ID along with his credit card when she totaled his order. Sixteen year olds didn't usually make such expensive purchases and Edward whispered to me that she thought the card was stolen. Apparently, this happened to him quite often.

It was odd, this spending spree, almost… manic. When I asked about it and he noticed my concern about his parents getting pissed about him spending all their money, he explained that the money was his from the child support payments sent by Edward Masen.

He explained that he would go on shopping sprees to buy himself frivolous items whenever he had to do these court things. Almost as though he was rewarding himself for another six weeks of successful non- touching and exceptional behavior. Or for celebrating the fact that it was six weeks closer to the end of his personal nightmare. Whatever it was, I was afraid he was using this as an excuse to be able to control something...anything...in his life. I had heard of women who shopped to an extent to hide from someone or something in their lives. I began to wonder if it could apply to men too.

We passed a kiosk that had more trendy jewelry where I saw they had navel rings. I saw this really cute white gold piece that you could dangle your initial from. I asked the sales lady to see it and when she told me the B was on backorder, Edward chimed in, telling her it was okay because I wanted an E instead.

"You're mine, Beautiful," he whispered, hot breath pouring over my ear.

I shivered because I most certainly was his and I loved hearing him say that aloud. I watched him smirk in satisfaction, as the lady handed him the little E for inspection and then offered to change it for me behind the counter. He leaned on the case with his chin in his hand, gaping at me holding my shirt up, while deliberately licking his lips to get me riled up. "I hate you," I mouthed.

"I love you," he mouthed back with a smile. I looked down and grinned, happier than I had ever been in a long, long time. My heart was soaring and it was a feeling that I never wanted to lose or forget as long as I lived.

Of course, he would not let me pay, simply saying, "_My_ initial, _my_ money."

Once my E was in place and glittering perfectly over the top of my jeans, we were about to head off to Maggie's salon when Edward pointed to the glass display case tapping his finger on the surface.

"B, look at this," he said. Without having us request, the lady slid out a tray of silver rings, laying the velvet case on the glass.

He put the little double ring on the tip of his finger showing it to me.

"These are purity rings, aren't they pretty?" she said.

"Purity rings?" Edward and I both asked simultaneously, questioning her, though the sentiment made total sense when she explained. It was actually two rings interlinked into each other. One was black, the other silver. Inscribed into the surface were the words, True Love Will Wait.

"Well, sometimes they're referred to as Abstinence Rings. It's a token of promise to one another that you'll wait until you get married to um…have relations." She whispered the word like it was illegal. "They are also used as commitment rings for before you get engaged, but…" She raised an eyebrow at us, sort of insinuating that neither the waiting for the sex nor the impending engagement were something that we would be interested in. I thought to myself just because he looks like sex on legs doesn't mean anything, lady. Remember the old, 'don't judge a book by its cover', bullshit? Well, that was my life. My boyfriend looked like the Kamasutra on the outside but read like The Velveteen Rabbit on the inside.

Clearing her throat she added, "Even comes with a purity pledge certificate." She placed this ornate ecru sheet of paper that resembled a diploma, only it had religious sentiments and a promise to wait until God said it was time and some other dribble.

Edward took one look at it, dismissively sliding it back toward her mumbling, "Yeah, we're not going to need that. I've got enough paperwork with my promise to abstain, I don't need this religious shit too." He looked at me softly as he fingered the ring, the metal links clinking together.

"What do you think?" he said softly, as the lady took the hint to give us some privacy and busied herself with something behind the counter. "It has an entirely different meaning for us, but it might help keep the nosy fuckers at school from asking why we don't kiss and shit. Plus…I like knowing that we have something that represents… our feelings." He smiled sweetly while shrugging his shoulders.

"I love it," I said truthfully, wanting very much to wear Edward's ring. He tried one on his left hand holding it out to inspect. I did the same with mine wishing my nails had looked less ragged. We removed the rings to pay and let the lady clean them at her insistence. Once that was taken care of, she wrapped the rings up in a pretty box and told us that the ritual was to place them on one another's fingers to seal the promise.

Only a few minutes later, we were at E-Clips, hugging Maggie and being loudly introduced to her staff. Edward was doing an excellent job earning his nickname, as the entire salon personnel smirked and blushed in his presence. I rolled my eyes at Maggie, proudly shaking my head.

_Yes, bitches he's mine. Claws off._

I think I may have made a cat growling sound to myself, or maybe it was a hiss. Whatever. It may have been slightly louder than I thought.

Edward turned and smirked at me. "Have them trim your claws while you're here, Beautiful." Then he winked. He had to that stop winking shit…too damn sexy.

While Edward had his hair washed and cut, I got another manicure, and then I was whisked away to the back where there was a whole area for massages and facials. I met with Siobhan, a very petite Irish looking girl who escorted me through doors where I was instructed to disrobe and lay on the padded table.

She came in shortly after, turning on some new age music with a waterfall in the background that made me want to pee. Siobhan was very gentile and soft with her hands, and though I enjoyed the treatment very much, all I could think about was having to use the bathroom. When I was finally done and feeling absolutely lovely and like jelly, I used the bathroom and was then moved to the aesthetician's room where I received a facial that was absolutely divine.

I tried to tip her but she declined saying it was already taken care of by Mr. Cullen. _Ha, Mr. Cullen_…that shit cracked me up. I found Edward in one of the private rooms in the back with his jeans rolled up to his knees and his feet soaking in a tub. Leaning against the doorframe, I observed for a minute watching as he sunk back into the vibrating seat, eyes closed while the girl massaged the balls of his feet up to his calves. Every now and then, he would hiss or emit a little moan in pleasure.

I probably should have been weirded out by all of it- jealous of the touching that gave way to moans that weren't a result of anything I had personally done as well as the all beautification rituals that were not exactly masculine, but this was Edward- take it or leave it. He liked things neat and perfect and that included his appearance. However if he asked to go to Victoria's Secret specifically so that _he_ could try on undergarments, well, _that_ I would have a problem with.

I cleared my throat. He opened one eye at the sound and he half smirked, half scowled, rolled his eyes and shook his head all at once. His haircut looked awesome though the skin around his eyebrows was bright red, as he had obviously had them waxed. They weren't perfect though, which I liked- just trimmed enough to look natural and not overly done.

I just jumped into the seat next to him, sprawling out to emphasize how relaxed and loose I was. He laughed at me while his nail technician instructed him to put his feet in and out of the tub when she needed him to. While Edward quietly obeyed, I witched rapt in fascination. She mentioned to him how nice his feet were, and I agreed aloud.

He had perfect feet. I mean, literally perfect feet. They were man feet, long toes and weird tendons and stuff, but his toenails were perfect and he didn't have calluses or yellow toenails or anything gross covering his feet. I shouldn't have expected anything less than perfection from him, anyway.

I asked him to hold out his hands and he smirked again while I fussed over his perfect manicure wanting to hold them in my own. He asked to see mine and as I held my hand out next to his, I noticed how small mine were next to his. No wonder I felt so protected in the rare moments that he had held my hand.

He finished up, declining the clear polish that was offered to him to go au naturale. "I swear to God, Bella if you tell anyone about this, I will break into your house and throw out all your shoes," was all he said.

"You wouldn't dare!" I screeched in mock horror throwing my hand over my heart. "You have an awful lot of secrets to keep, E. It's getting to be a bit much to remember what I can and can't say," I joked, though it was partially true.

"Yeah, try being me," he mumbled, effectively shutting me up.

Once we got in the car, he took the rings from their adjoined box, dropping his in the palm of my open hand while he held mine in his pretty fingers. Under the dim yellow lights of the parking lot, Edward quietly slipped the small ring onto my finger before placing a very sweet, very gentile almost non existent kiss over it. My stomach fluttered at the contact, and my mind spun at the idea of the silent commitment we were making to each other. We weren't promising marriage or lifelong devotion to each other, just a promise to wait for each other until he became free to do otherwise. I slid Edward's ring on his long beautiful finger, giving him the same kiss on his jewelry. No words or elaborate declarations were needed.

And then, we sort of stared at each other reverently for a minute or so, before Edward traced his thumb around the outline of my lips. They parted almost involuntarily as the softness of his fingertip against my lips and the proximity of his own mouth mixed with the scent of his cologne entirely overwhelming all of my senses. I felt that coiling gush in my belly, wanting his hands on me and his tongue in my mouth so desperately it was painful.

He sighed a very shaky breath, whispering, "So beautiful," and then suddenly our lips were so close…

"Edward…" I whispered, my heart racing in my chest and my stomach flip flopping, knowing that he was going to kiss me. As soon as his lips met mine, my hand touched the side of his face, softly brushing his skin in trails down his jaw. I reined in the sudden, primal desire to pull him to me, to devour his face in wet hard kisses.

Edward's fingers laced in my hair, cradling the back of my head as his thumb rubbed gently over my cheekbone. He placed two soft, slow chaste kisses on my lips before his mouth opened slightly, moving with mine. My tongue swept his bottom lip, which was an invitation for him to gently suck my bottom lip into his mouth while I took his top lip in mine. Edward's breathing sped up. He moaned into my mouth, pushing his tongue slightly into my mouth at the same time as his palm firmed on my head. And then before it could intensify, Edward closed his eyes, pulling away from me. He placed his hand over his mouth, almost as if he was surprised at himself.

Then he shook his head, starting the ignition of the car and backed out of the spot. He didn't look at me while he drove, just staring straight ahead. I was kind of hurt by his sudden chill after the warmth of our ring exchange and our first real kiss. To my surprise, he fished in his pocket, finding his cigarette pack and pulling one out. He offered it to me but I declined with my eyebrows furrowed. Edward never, ever smoked in his car…ever.

I finally worked up the nerve to ask him, "E…are you okay?"

"We shouldn't have done that…the kiss I mean." He shook his head, pinching his bottom lip in between his fingers. "I… fuck!" he slammed his fist against the steering wheel, making me jump in my seat. Some of the ash on the end of his cigarette spilled onto the center console, but I had it cleaned up before he even noticed.

I looked up at him, seething in his seat. The whole day filled with rapid mood swings left me feeling exhausted and afraid. "What's wrong, Edward?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said softly, giving me a pleading glance. He reached his hand out to me tentatively but then brought his hand back to the steering wheel.

"Edward? Please talk to me. You're scaring me."

He bit his lip absently, turning onto the highway. "Bella… I feel like I'm losing my mind here. All I want to do is _be_ with you, in every sense of the word and knowing that touching you is wrong when it isn't anything but _right_ is so fucked. I need to fucking kiss you and hold you in my arms for real, Bella. Not this half- assed shit, not this sweet barely caressing shit that fucking ten year olds do. I want to _love _you. I want to make love to you and show you how much you mean to me." He was so upset now that his hand was shaking. Edward's jaw was tight and his chin was quivering. I thought he might cry again.

"I… I fucking hate Charlotte for this." His sweet voice became strangely dark with an eerie undertone. "There are days when I want to rip that bitch's throat out for doing this to me and I wish horrible things on her and then I feel like shit because who the hell knows if she's even okay. I don't even know if she's okay," he repeated softly, his voice trailing off.

I didn't speak a word because I knew there was nothing I could possibly say or do to alleviate what he was feeling. I just needed to be there and listen to him, while allowing him to vent, even if it was freaking me the hell out the way he was doing it. I found it odd that he had any kind of concern for Charlotte after what she had done, and then I realized that this was a true testament to Edward's character. She ruined his life, but the part of him that didn't die with Eddie Masen still cared that Charlotte was being abused by her boyfriend and he worried about her safety.

I, on the other hand felt no compassion for her…none…zero.

After Edward had calmed down, things were quietly awkward and the air was charged with a weird static. Edward turned on his iPod and we listened to music for a little while before he suddenly turned the music off and said completely out of nowhere, "I have another secret, B, that no one…I mean _no one_ knows." He looked at me briefly as the highway lights pulsed flickers of illumination into the car.

He turned his face back to the road and in a very soft voice, he said, "I have…a sister."

"What? You have a sister?" I asked in disbelief, thinking I may have misinterpreted what he said.

He nodded. "Remember how I told you I got involved with drugs once I started that stupid boy's academy? Well, one day before school a bunch of got really high. I was just having a bad fucking week and I don't know why, but I went kind of nuts and I _borrowed_ my dad's car…"

"Borrowed?" I asked.

"I fucking stole that shit right out of the garage and he was pissed."

"His Mercedes?" I asked, as if it mattered what car he stole.

"Uh…no, the Porsche." My eyes widened in understanding as to why no one was allowed to use the car. Edward had mentioned that his dad owned one, but it was off limits to the boys.

"I started to drive, having no idea where the fuck I was going…I just drove for hours and hours until I was in near New York, only stopping to piss and do another bump. And then, still being high and shit, I headed into Manhattan." Edward glanced at me occasionally, seeming much more relaxed while telling the story than he had been most of the day.

"Wow," I responded, gaping at him. "You drove into Manhattan in a Porsche...high on coke? Are you fucking insane?" I screeched, realizing that he may have been just that.

"Yeah, I didn't say it was the smartest thing I had ever done. But, I uh…knew where my biological father's work address was from the return address on the child support checks. So I fucking…went inside his building and asked to see him. I had no idea what the hell I was even going to say to him, and before that I had no actual desire to meet him really, but…"

My attention was captivated with Edward's words. I tried to visualize the whole thing in my head as he told it, not quite able to form the imagery of him being strung out on drugs.

"Do you know I waited eight hours…eight fucking hours in the lobby and the bastard wouldn't come down? The receptionist kept making excuses that he was involved in important meetings and shit, but I knew it was just because he wanted nothing to do with me. Finally, I had enough of waiting and I left and when I got back to the car, I realized that I had left my phone in the lobby. So when I went back, I saw him leaving the building. I knew it was him, cause it was like…looking in a fucking mirror twenty years from now. Oh, and just so you know, he's damn good looking too. This… woman met him out front. I assume she was his wife because she was with this little girl, maybe like, two years old went running up to him and called him 'Daddy.' She looked just like him...just like mewhen I was little, only she had these little…" Edward made circles by his ears with his fingers.

"Pigtails?"

"Yeah, pigtails. She was so fucking cute and little, you know? The way she giggled…" he smiled at the memory.

I gasped loudly. Edward had a blood sibling that he told no one about. "Not even your mom knows?"

"Hell no! Especially not her. I think it would fucking kill her to know that he had a family after completely rejecting her and me. I've been keeping it a secret."

"Edward, do you think maybe you would want to like, contact her someday when she's older?" I imagined Edward pushing a little girl on the swing set and sitting in our tree house with a little tea set.

"Yeah, I mean… I would love to, but who knows if he'll even let her see me. I bet his wife or whatever that chick is to him doesn't even know I exist. She was really young too, like maybe early twenties…and hot. Definitely a trophy wife." He snickered shaking his head. "I just think it's shitty that if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me that's one thing, but her…she's my blood. She should have that option, you know?"

I nodded. "Well, maybe when she's older, you can find her."

"Yeah, well even if I was to meet her now, I couldn't even give her a fucking hug," he said softly. "So, maybe it's better off." Edward looked at me with a small smile. "I just wanted you to know."

I nodded again, still flustered and overwhelmed and confused by the entire day. Seriously, could this boy's life get any more complicated?

**~%~**

By Monday, Edward's behavior and mood swings had leveled off back to normal, if one could consider his usual state of brooding as typical. I wondered if it had to do with the fact that he hadn't smoked cigarettes or pot, or had any alcohol all week because he had been sick and that maybe the withdrawal was messing with his moods. It had to be something because that shit was just weird.

He met me after second period, walking me to Spanish, where Emmett playfully jumped on his back and tried to give him a purple nurple. Edward hissed as Em twisted his nipple in his fingers, and then Edward grabbed Emmett in a choke hold, hiking up his underwear. I rolled my eyes at them and snuck into the classroom before Senorita Carmen shooed Edward away.

Once in class, Señorita Carmen in her lovely floral tent, turned to us and said, "Necesito que los estudiantes por favor se hagan en parejas y traduzcan las conversaciones que están en sus libros."

Emmett leaned over to me and whispered, "The fuck did she just say?" Somehow, from my first day to the current, Emmett had migrated over to my side  
of the room, ending up right in the desk next to me.

"She said to find a partner and translate the conversation in our book, "I replied, shimmying my desk so that it was facing Emmett's. "Em, you are  
so smart, why are you like a total spaz with foreign language?" I asked brazenly.

"I have no fucking clue, Tink. I am in advanced calculus but I'm the only fucking senior in this stupid class. And it's the second time I'm taking it," he scowled.

Señorita Carmen gave us an evil glare cuing us to open our  
books.

He smiled brightly. In an over enunciated Latin accent he trilled, "Libra."

"Virgo?" I responded, having no idea what the hell he was referring to.

He rolled his eyes tapping his text. "No el booko…esta libra!" he beamed proudly.

"Libro, Emmett," I corrected with a sad smile, patting the top of his hand patronizing him. He pouted.

"Listen, I have a question, Em." Ity was the second time I was revealing information to someone about Edward without his knowledge. It felt like such a  
betrayal, but I had to know for his own good. "Has Edward ever…been moody and like…erratic?"

"Tink, my baby bro is always moody. But erratic? How so?"

Senorita Carmen passed our desks. ""Me gusta comer pollo en la cena," I said aloud, telling him I liked to eat chicken for dinner.

Emmett replied, "Si."

In a whisper, I explained about the day in Seattle and the strange spending, the weird way he was with the waiter, how quiet he was and then how vastly  
different his personality was after he came out of the court. The only thing I didn't reveal was the thing about him seeing his father. Emmett looked perplexed.

Señorita Carmen passed our desks again and I said loudly, "Las cebollas con pollo son realmente deliciosas," telling him the onions on the chicken were delicious.

Emmett responded ,"Si…uh los burros son muy sabrosos con queso."

Señorita Carmen rolled her eyes at Emmett and shook her head as she walked away.

"What's her problem?" he asked furrowing his eyebrows.

"You just said, 'Yes, the donkeys are tasty with cheese.'"

Emmett shrugged as he leaned close to me whispering, "The last time he was like that was when he was using. You think he was high?" His eyes definitely  
held concern for his brother.

"No, he was definitely not high…just off. It made me a little nervous to be truthful. But I feel like I am betraying him by mentioning this to you, but  
it's just because I am worried."

"I don't know, Tink. Maybe this shit has finally made him crack, you know? Maybe he's losing it. I should say something to my dad, right?"

As Señorita Carmen made her circuit back our way, I said, "Después de que comamos, debemos ir al cine. No, don't do that…he'll know I said  
something. He'll feel like he can't trust me and right now, I need him to trust me."

Emmett nodded, smiling at Señorita Carmen. "Me gustan mis burros calientes y húmedos." Emmett sounded like the guy from the Scarface movie. She looked  
at me and then tapped her finger irritatedly on Emmett's book, practically growling.

"Señor Cullen, tú necesitas estudiar, por el amor de dios!" She yelled, telling him he needed to study, for the love of god.

"What?" Emmett whined.

"You like your donkey's hot and wet?" I raised my eyebrow at him. "I am sooo telling Rose."

"I have a lot of Spanish porn. I don't know. Well, let me know if he gets weird again, I'll talk to him."

But fortunately, Edward didn't have a relapse of his odd behavior. Another week passed uneventfully, with only one brief incident of touching between he and I, and it was a complete accident. All the mutual masturbation had stopped, all the little brushes and sneaks of caresses had halted completely, to my sheer and utter dismay. I missed it terribly but I didn't ask about it, hoping it was just Edward being overly cautious after his little episode in the car. I thought maybe the brief moments were too tempting and it was easier for him to hold back completely. Either way, I understood to some degree, but I hated it just the same.

I lived each day petrified that for whatever his reasoning, Edward would change his mind about the way he felt about me, even though he told me and showed me quite thoroughly in every way he could. I hated feeling so insecure, but not having the physical part of our relationship sometimes made us seem like nothing more than very close friends. And that's not what I wanted from him. I wanted to be friends yes, but first and foremost, I wanted him to keep loving me and sometimes…a lot of the time…it was extremely difficult to feel like we were a couple because of the lack of physical intimacy.

Our friends were considerate, keeping their hands to themselves while they were around us, as to not cause unnecessary envy or discomfort for Edward and I. But as Emmett and Rosalie's relationship was finally consummated (they fucked like rabbits) and with Alice and Jasper constantly making out (Alice's face was in a constant state of red and raw from Jasper's stubble), I couldn't help but feel even more jealous and disconsolate than ever. I honestly didn't know how I would be able to hold on for another twenty two months without touching or being touched by Edward. It was excruciating, but bearable for the time being.

Every single night when I said my prayers, I asked God for a miracle to help Edward, but nothing came. We wore our rings, and wrote love notes back and forth about what we wanted to do to each other both sexually and non- sexually, and we spent every waking moment with each other. But… sometimes it felt as though it wasn't quite enough for me, that it might just be too hard, harder than I was able to handle, and I hated that because that was the ultimate betrayal to Edward and the promise that I had made.

I wouldn't ever cheat on him, I just didn't know if my heart and my body could take the absence of what I physically needed. So I continued to hold on… to everything _but_ Edwards' hand.

One afternoon, a week before Thanksgiving, the boys and I had gotten high freezing our asses off out by the river, because the tree house was too small for us all to fit in comfortably. Overcome with the munchies, we went into the Cullen's to look for some snacks, though no one expected to find anything of quality in that house. While we scoured the pantry for something not entirely disgusting to eat, Emmett let out this gut wrenching cry as he stood staring at his mother's abandoned laptop screen sitting at the kitchen table.

Emmett turned to us with tears in his eyes. "Nooooooooo!" he yelled, growling from deep inside his preservative free belly.

"Is she fucking serious?" Edward asked, in complete disbelief. "This is a joke…it's got to be a joke."

Jasper slammed his fist on the counter. "No way, man…this is just wrong. We should call Child Protective Services on her because this is just cruel treatment and downright neglect! I need my fucking Thanksgiving turkey!"

Hovering warily over Emmett's shoulder, we all looked at what he was looking at on the laptop screen... just a simple picture of a cooked turkey surrounded by potatoes and carrots, tastefully arranged on a platter. However, upon further inspection at the recipe site, it wasn't an actual turkey, but a Tofurkey.

A giant turkey shaped- turkey flavored turkey made entirely out of molded tofu.

The boys were suddenly so forlorn and angry, I slipped out of the room, to call my father while they ranted and Emmett sobbed. I knew I couldn't allow them to be tortured like this…especially Edward who had so few real pleasures in his life. It was a sin to deny him a simple thing like a proper turkey.

We hadn't discussed any plans because he and my mom and I usually went out to eat on Thanksgiving when we lived here, so I assumed it would be the same this year. Upon confirmation that Charlie was planning to go to a restaurant, I asked him if he would mind having dinner at our house instead. He quickly conferred with Maggie, which I thought it was odd that he was on a scout and she was with him in his car, but she agreed to make the turkey and I would attempt the rest.

So when I announced that they could all come to my house this year, Edward gave me the warmest smile I had ever seen grace his face, and Emmett literally sunk down to the floor praising baby Jesus at my feet for saving Thanksgiving from the evil Esmom. Shortly after, she and Carlisle arrived home and the boys bombarded her with the fact that they were coming to my house whether she liked it or not. I stood in the corner of the room wincing as the yelling commenced, while Carlisle looked as if he could hardly contain himself.

Finally, Esme relented, smirking at me as the three boys and one fully grown man whooped and danced around the kitchen as though they had won a trip to the moon.

"Fine, but you'll let me help with dessert?" She stated, rather than asked. I nodded, smiling away at the happiness I had created for my other family- the brothers I had always wanted.

I couldn't give Edward much, but the little things- the important things I could do for him, I would carry out with as much enthusiasm and effort as I could manage. And so it was, that I was having my first holiday with the Cullen's, my first holiday with Edward…

And I was nervous because I had no fucking idea what the hell I was doing regarding cooking an enormous dinner for eight people… or anything else in my life for that matter.

**~%~**


	21. Chapter 21 Thankful For Happiness

**Thank you so much to Becca for your quick beta'ing skills, and to Suzy for your genius and your humor. I miss you!**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 21~ Thankful for Happiness**

**I can't stand by the side  
And watch this life pass me by  
So unhappy  
But safe as could be  
So what if it hurts me?  
So what it I break down?  
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,  
My feet run out of ground  
I gotta find my place  
I wanna hear my sound  
Don't care about all the pain in front of me  
I just trying to be happy  
I just wanna be happy  
****Leona Lewis~ Happy**

**~Edward~**

Tuesday.

Dr. Kate greeted me with the standard, "Good afternoon, Edward. How are things going?" to which I replied my usual, "Fine thanks, and you?" I smiled meekly, placating her enough that maybe I could get by without having to reveal anything deep within my mess of a fucking head... or at least stall for a few more seconds.

But who was I kidding there? I wasn't fine…things _weren't_ going fine. Nothing was fucking _fine._

Three days prior to the session I felt like I was losing my mind, and I was since putting on quite the theatrics for Bella's sake, because I knew I scared the shit out of her. However, I was falling apart on the inside. The mood swings, the persistent anxiety that refused to culminate into an actual panic attack, but just linger enough to be a constant presence, the feelings of sadness and then sudden elation...

I was fucking scared.

Sometimes I could feel my heart suddenly begin to race and my palms sweating for no reason, which I knew was simple anxiety. But it was the irritability and the mood swings that were taking a toll on everyone. And the …melancholy … the feeling glum and shitty all the time. The only time I smiled or laughed was when I was in Bella's presence- and even then, just the sight of her made my heart hurt infinitely more because it was like rubbing it in my face that I couldn't fucking have her.

It was exhausting to be _me_ some days.

It was the moment that I'd kissed Bella after we exchanged rings…short and sweet and insanely beautiful… that I realized something was truly wrong. I guess you could call it my Aaa-haa moment.

God, it felt so damn good to have my mouth on hers…just the minimal and brief contact between us was better than anything I had ever felt before. But I was stupid, driven by my hormones and my immense affection for her, and getting careless… kissing Bella in a parking lot where there were an abundance of surveillance cameras and plenty of people walking by who could have easily witnessed the seemingly innocent exchange.

The worst part was that when I kissed her, feelings that I had never had before came bursting to the surface, making me feel as though I had been slapped in the face with lust and desire and …so much fucking love I didn't know what to do with it. It was akin to something primal…as though I needed to grab her and devour her right there in order to breathe, to survive. And with that came the regret and fear and total and complete despair barreling down at me full speed.

She flinched when I freaked out on her. Actually flinched as though I would ever… in any circumstance, hurt her.. Well, physically, that is. There was no doubt that this was taking a toll on her emotionally, whether I chose to admit it or not. It was inevitable that she would be feeling confused and overwrought with physical ache for something she was forbidden to attain. Something so close, yet so far and I was fucking teasing her with it, dangling it in her face, taunting her.

_Jesus Christ… I fucking scared her._

If I wasn't getting help for my sake then it had to be for hers. I couldn't live my life thinking that she was ever afraid of me. Not only was that completely unacceptable, but simply not an option that I could fathom.

It was then that I decided what I was doing to her was completely unfair. By giving Bella little bits of access to the physical side of our relationship, innocent little tastes of affection, I was essentially teasing her. What little that I could offer, she would take it hungrily, greedily almost- no matter what it was. I was no better than a neighborhood dealer giving out free weed samples to entice the next person to buy it. I was her dealer and she was my junkie. Or maybe it was the other way around. Bella offered me something I couldn't buy no matter how much money I had and I was using her kindness and innocence like an ATM machine with no transaction fees.

Even at the Halloween party, she faced herself legs open and naked into a mirror, allowing me visual access to a part of her that should probably have been kept private …for when she was really ready to expose herself that way to me. Not that I was saying I forced her or anything, because she was more than willing, but the fact that I had asked, and she didn't bat an eyelash to please me or oblige my request, made me feel like shit in hindsight. She was trying to give me whatever she could as well, and maybe that wasn't right at all. The only thing that came to mind was an amusing thought about her sacrificing herself at the alter of The Church of Latter-day Fucked-up-ness.

But it was the phone call I had made Sunday night that forced the reality of my past upon me, and the stark realism of my present.

The band we were listening to in the car, New Moon, was going to be playing in a club in Seattle in a few weeks. Bella really liked them so I wanted to get us tickets to the concert. The problem was that because of the venue, ID for twenty-one was required. So, I called an old friend from the Caius School for Wealthy Delinquent and Incredibly Naughty Boys, knowing he had expertise in fake ID's.

I cringed when I greeted him, "Hey Seth, it's um…Eddie Masen," because he wouldn't know me by any other name. The greetings were the usual when dealing with an old acquaintance: "Hey man, what's going on? How's everything going? What have you been up to? And the replies were just the same: "Same shit, everything is okay, been up to the same old stuff."

What I really felt like saying was, "Same shit just a bigger dog," but really didn't feel like getting into the particular shittiness with him.

And so when the formalities were over, Seth asked what he could do for me, obviously knowing my call wasn't one of simple catching up. With his expertise being in forgery, I told him I needed an ID for a friend. I emailed over a copy of Bella's driver's license, which I swiped from her purse that evening unbeknownst to her.

When he opened the document, his first reaction was to tell me emphatically that she was fucking hot, and then to ask if she was she my girl. I just laughed and replied that she was just a friend. I didn't need him spreading the word that he had touched base with the elusive Eddie Masen who disappeared out of sight from Chicago with not one departing greeting to a fucking soul and I was hooking up, or even associated with a fuckhot girl in my new residence across country.

Not a good idea at all.

Not that it was intelligent for me to have been procuring a fake ID for my pseudo girlfriend…but, fuck, I mean, what was even left?

But it was then that he said, "Hey dude, did you hear about Liam Randall?" Liam Randall was one of the other two guys who had gotten a similar sentence to mine. Only in Liam's case, when he was sixteen, was caught with a thirteen year old girl and even though it was consensual, it was considered statutory rape in which he received a no- contact order as well.

"Liam was caught with that girl he got the no- contact order because of…and he was sentenced to two years house arrest. Didn't even fuck her...just kissed her and her parents called the fucking police and now the poor shit is only allowed to leave the house to go to school. Some fucking life that is. But it's better than jail, right?"

I swallowed hard and muttered, "Uh yeah…right."

"Oh, and his girl…she got like fifty hours of community service slapped on her for aiding and abetting or some shit. Hope that fucker was worth it."

I slipped two carefully wrapped one hundred dollar bills in an envelope addressed to Seth for the ID. The fucker actually accepted PayPal, but I didn't want a paper trail leading me to the purchase.

Then the harshness of the words sunk in deeply and I knew what he had told me was the nail in the coffin.

Not only could touching Bella incriminate me, but her as well, and I was not having her involved or punished as a result of the complications of my shit. Therefore, I decided that minute, I had to cease all contact cold turkey. And little did I know at the time, but it was similar to going through a form of withdrawal. The ache, the longing, the constant unrelenting thoughts that invaded my brain about how easily it would be to just pull her into my bed and take whatever it was we both needed to get a fix… a kiss, a hug…anything. But I stopped it. Though to be fair I probably should have told her why, that it wasn't anything she did or that it wasn't any lacking in desire for her…it was that I was scared shitless for the both of our futures.

It had only been two days, and I was missing her so much, even while she was right next to me the whole time.

So it was, that I found myself seated in the left chair in front of Dr. Kate's desk, wondering how I could explain all of this to her without having to reveal anything sordid. My thumb slid over the indentations in the inscription of the ring absently, thinking about Bella's kiss, which reminded me that my lips had been so chapped probably from the weather, and I made a mental note to buy chapstick.

I took a deep breath, exhaling it out slowly, while I watched Dr. Kate prop her pad on her lap in anticipation of me offering her the goods. "I've been feeling kind of ..._off_, for lack of a better term." I was nervous in admitting this to her, hoping that she wasn't going to interpret this confession as me admitting to the traits of a psycho serial killer. I was putting blind faith into this affirmation, not really knowing where else to turn.

"Off? How so?" she asked with curiosity as she cocked her head to one side, examining me.

I shook my head. "I've been having these…mood swings, and a lot of irritability…like everything pisses me off …even stupid stuff that shouldn't. And I feel like…_down_ a lot too."

"Well, that's certainly understandable, considering all of the stress you are under because of your circumstances. Let me ask you…do you feel anxious at all?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I do. I haven't had an actual panic attack, but I am really jittery and like…edgy a lot more than usual." A spot on the desk that had obviously been scuffed by the frequency of shoes scraping against it caught my gaze. I had the sudden urge to buff out the scuff marks.

"And you said you feel sadness on top of all these symptoms as well?" she asked, shifting her legs to the side.

"Yeah, sometimes."

She scribbled in her pad furiously. Without looking up, as asked, "What triggers the sadness? Is it something specific or do you feel that the occasions are random?"

"It's mostly being around Bella, which ironically is one of the few things that truly brings me happiness. It's like a weird catch-22, you know? I can't wait to be with her, but not being able to …_be_ with her just reminds me of how shitty things are."

Dr. Kate pursed her lips. "When was the last time you felt _off_?"

"Um, Saturday was like…the worst it's ever been. I was really high one minute and then very down and anxious the next. It was confusing, really."

She nodded, biting her lip. "Was there any particular event Saturday that generated these elevated feelings?"

"Uh, well I had to see my truancy officer, so I was really nervous about that. It's stupid, I know, because he always asks me the same things and its not a big deal, but I think maybe being in the court building makes me kind of…freaked out."

"So that went well, I take it?"

"Uh, yeah. Like I said, it was the same thing as always. He asked me how school was and what I did outside of school," I responded, to which at the time when the truancy officer asked, I completely lied out of my ass. "And the principal of my school gives him a report of my grades and attendance and general stuff. I found out I was ranked third in my class," I said, shrugging, knowing that if I actually made some genuine effort, I could be first.

"That's impressive, Edward. So then what happened?"

"Well, Bella was waiting in the car for me, and we went to eat and then did some shopping and then we…"

"Shopping?" she asked looking up from her pad perplexed as she interrupted. "What did you buy if you don't mind my asking?"

"Um, well clothes, a watch, some jewelry for Bella…nothing special," I replied, knowing that too was a lie. The rings were very special, but I didn't feel the need to share that with Dr. Kate. That moment was private and beautiful even though I went and royally fucked it up.

"So no excessive spending then?"

"Uh…" I cringed, wanting to be honest, but entirely fearful of my reply, because I knew what she was after. "I spent like…um, ten thousand dollars and then another two on the internet when I got home." I admitted this hesitantly, recalling that when I got home, I bought Bella the boots she was desperately trying to not look at with twinkles in her eyes. I purchased her a matching purse too figuring Christmas was just around the corner and I wouldn't have to stress over her gift.

Dr. Kate's eyes practically popped out of her head. "Twelve thousand dollars? Edward, is that normal for you to spend so much in one excursion?"

"Well, no, not usually. I do shop a lot, clothes especially, but after I get out of court I usually treat myself to something big, because…I don't know, it's like a reward or something. It makes me feel better, I guess. Why? Is that a big deal?" It was no secret that I shopped a lot. I liked clothes and material possessions gave me the feeling of self worth. On top of that, it was something I was able to control, and with what little I was able to control in my life, I took it and ran with it.

"Well to be honest, I am concerned about what you are telling me. It sounds to me that you are exhibiting all the general signs of depression and anxiety." Dr. Kate's eyes met mine, and they softened, almost as if she felt guilt for diagnosing me with something I already knew I had to some extent. It wasn't a big fucking surprise to me or anything. I had looked it up on the internet and I thought the same thing.

I just nodded my head minutely, torn between the relief that came with conceding to the facts and not wanting to appear excessively vulnerable in front of her any more than I had to already. "Well, I'm not suicidal or anything, but yeah, I would say that I am depressed sometimes and well, you knew I had anxiety already." God, I hated saying that. It made me feel weak and small and very insignificant, almost as though I was handing her all of my control and my power on a silver platter.

She sighed, placing her hand over her mouth in thought.

"I'm not like…bipolar or anything, am I?"

"No, I don't think that you are bipolar. The shopping is excessive, but you don't appear to be manic, just…acquisitive." Her lips feathered with a slight smirk. "However, I don't think you should ignore this, Edward, or put it off. Your legal situation definitely exacerbates these feelings and emotions, and while therapy can certainly help, it is my opinion that you should being a medication regimen, at least for a little while. You can start you out on the Zoloft again, if you feel that worked for you last time." She began to thrum through her file, probably to look up what I had said about being on the meds when I first began seeing her.

"I need something different because the Zoloft didn't do much for the sadness, just the anxiety. I just want to feel …better…normal." I fidgeted with my hands a little, as I responded quietly.

She said softly, "I'm sure you do." It was almost motherly in tone, and as much as I felt a certain degree of animosity towards her simply for what she represented, it was the first time I felt any kind of comfort or relief from her presence. She pulled out a list of psychologists, leaning forward and handing it to me. "Here's a list of doctors that you can go see for a prescription."

"Oh, uh, can't my dad just give me a new script?" The very last thing I wanted to do was see another fucking doctor.

"Yes, sure, but I think that you should be monitored closely."

I shrugged, not really seeing the point, but I folded up the paper and shoved it in my pocket nonetheless.

I left the office after she reminded me that it was her responsibility to inform my parents of the recommended prescription change and the diagnosis she issued. She also reminded me that the pills wouldn't likely take effect for approximately two weeks and that if I needed to talk to her, I should call without hesitation. With that statement, she handed me a business card with her cell phone number handwritten on it, which I thought was very kind but really fucking odd. I considered for a moment that she really must give a shit about me to give me her cell. In a weird way, I was touched.

I shut the door behind me, heading straight for the drug store to buy cigarettes and chapstick. I had about ten minutes to kill, so I perused the aisles of the drug store aimlessly, until I unknowingly found myself in front of a condom display. What a fucking joke. I shook my head, disgusted with the fact that I wouldn't be needing one of those for some time, and thinking about the last time I had even used one.

My first real sexual experience was memorable, however, less than perfect. We had been all sunburned from the beach and after Jazz and I showered, we were laying around the state room shirtless and bored. Tanya and Irina stopped by unexpectedly, and the next thing I knew, we were beyond shit faced and Tanya was in my lap with my mouth all over her tits. I barely knew what I was doing, just concentrating on listening to her moan for cues to continue. She basically coached me the whole time, whispering softly what she liked and telling me what to do next because I was so inexperienced with anything but kissing. Kissing I was good at, but the other stuff…well, for a ball player, I was embarrassingly green at the bases.

Once my shorts were on the floor, faster than I could even think, she had my dick in her mouth sucking and moving her hand and lips in sync with each other…and she really fucking knew what she was doing. She was like a porn queen and I wondered when and how she became so...educated at sixteen.

Then the feeling of slipping inside of her for the first time and fuck… it was warm and wet and crazy, while I came after about two seconds. I finally understood why that dude fucked the apple pie in that movie…it made total sense now.

I chuckled at how inexperienced I was and how Tanya was so sweet about the whole thing, making sure the next few times we were together that she gave me a full education…and extended release condoms.

And she schooled me well. By the time that trip ended, I knew pretty much everything there was to know about sex…except for going down on her. That was something I couldn't bring myself to do. Though, had I known then I would have the privilege of using my newly acquired bedroom skills abruptly taken away from me, I might have been more enthusiastic of a student…and taken advantage of the opportunity for intimacy with fervor.

I hadn't thought about being with Tanya since before I had met Bella. Since she was my first, she was the only real life sexual experience that I had, so I had used her in my jerking off fantasies.

That is until the day I saw my beautiful girl, Bella, and now Tanya no longer had any appearances in my nightly self love.

Tanya had been such a good friend of mine- before the shit happened and currently, but having sex with her was probably not the best idea, considering my parents regarded her family as our own. She was more like a cousin than just some random girl I had sex with a couple of times….which if I put enough thought into the idea, was sort of fucking weird. I shuddered to think about all the Redneck/ incest jokes my sexual past could develop.

After that trip, Jasper developed some intimate feelings for Irina, but with us living so far away from one another and because of the fact that we were trying to hide our sexual escapades from our respective parents, a romance was not reasonable. I had never felt anything for Tanya except friendship, and then a shit load of lust while I was fucking her...or while she was fucking me depending on how you looked at it. I made a mental note to drop her an email when I got in, just to see how she was doing. It had been a while, and if I was correct, she was the last to initiate communication with me.

When I got home, I ate dinner with my family and then afterward, my father asked to speak to me. Expecting to be summoned to his office where all official business was normally conducted, I was surprised when he asked me to follow him and mom into the den. I sat down, feeling very odd with the two of them giving me these looks of pity.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked, wondering what the big fucking deal was.

"No, Edward, Dr. Kate called. She let us know what you discussed today. Are you… okay with this?" Dad asked, sitting across from me on the couch. My mom had sat next to me, gingerly placing a hand on my knee while offering a small sympathetic smile. She was concerned.

"She said I was depressed," I shrugged. "I need dad to write out a prescription for an antidepressant. Dr. Kate wants me to see a psychiatrist or whatever, but I don't see the point. It's not a big deal," I replied quietly, hating the way my mom's hand was patting my knee. Normally I would like that, but this was about sheer pity and not affection. My thoughts turned to Bella, wondering what she was doing at that moment. I missed her.

"I'm so proud of you," Mom said, her voice cracking as her eyes welled up with tears. I bit my top lip and stared at her with an eyebrow cocked.

"Uh…why?"

"Because Dr. Kate said you accepted her opinion and her diagnosis, as well as her suggestion to go on the medication without incident. She said you didn't put up a fight nor were you hostile. And you were…open, Edward…_talking_ to her. That's a big accomplishment." My father had a gleam in his eyes reserved for only the most auspicious occasions.

"Am I hostile? I wasn't aware I was hostile," I muttered, shaking my head in disbelief.

"This shows remarkable growth, Edward. It shows great maturity and the obvious acceptance of your emotions is a big step toward healing." I stared at my father, slightly irritated at his over exaggeration of the situation. Healing? I didn't even know I was ill. They were making such a big deal out of it, and it did nothing but annoy me. "I'll write a script for Lexapro tomorrow."

"Thanks, I uh…just want to not feel like shit all the time, that's all." My gaze passed between their dejected expressions. "Can I go now? I have homework." They looked at each other incredulously, clearly surprised that I wasn't more enthusiastic and moved over their nonsensical admiration.

The truth was, being the center of attention did nothing but make me feel stupid. The only time I could really handle being in the spotlight was when I played baseball, because I knew it was something I was not only successful at, but earned. But this…this condescending praise and gushing over my "accomplishments" just made me want to hit them both- especially my mother with her unnecessary pity tears.

Fucking pity. That was one thing I could definitely do without in my life. Since when was being depressed an accomplishment?

"Edward…" My mother reached for my arm as I stood to answer my phone. It was Bella and I was more than done with the conversation with my parents. I shot her a look that I'm sure she truly didn't deserve as I shrugged her off to answer the phone, while heading to my room and leaving them both open mouthed in my wake.

I debated whether to tell Bella about what the shrink said about actually having an official label for my questionable behavior, and the fact that I would be taking antidepressants regularly, but I was sort of ashamed about it. Even though she was taking them, I felt emasculated admitting I was in need of help. So, I left that part out for the time being, hoping they would eventually just take effect and then I could explain simply why my demeanor had improved.

For the next few weeks, I refrained from any kind of touching with Bella. She didn't ask about the sudden loss of the gradual contact, and though I felt bad about doing it without a clarification, I was relieved that I didn't have to explain. She accepted it for what it was, unfair or not. I was really trying to come to terms with everything that had happened, and what could happen if what we were doing had continued. I was also adjusting to the meds kicking in and thankfully, I felt a definite shift about two and a half weeks into taking the prescription.

I woke up happier in the mornings and felt myself less moody in general. A few times, Bella made subtle comments on my sudden cheerful demeanor, and though I was feeling a million times better, I was still wary about letting her in on my reason why.

Because of the medication, I began to have these ultra vivid, wildly animated dreams that sometimes would morph into sexual fantasies in which all my depraved desires were filled. A few times I even woke up sweaty and… sticky…necessitating a midnight change of clothes. I wasn't complaining, because at least I was getting laid in my sleep.

One of the side effects of the antidepressants was a lessening in sexual appetite, but mine continued to be ravenous regardless. I found that rather ironic: taking anti depressants in order to make me feel better for not being able to have sex...then the drugs make it so you can't get hard…only mine made me more of a horny mother fucker. That shit was fucked up.

A few times, I even resorted to going back to a nightly ritual of watching Bella undress, knowing that even if she did find out, she would probably find it somewhat humorous. And yes, I should have told her about that at some point as well, I just …didn't want her to think less of me for doing it, just in case she did not infact, find my voyeurism at all amusing.

I was treading on thin water, just trying to make it past the rough tide.

**~%~**

The day before Thanksgiving, Bella was a nervous wreck. She was trying to hide it all day at school, but I knew she was anxious even though she declined my offer to help her with the grocery shopping which was not one of my favorite things to do. Later on, she sent me a text asking if Jasper and I could help her with a few things. Unfortunately, when we showed up, I hadn't considered the fact that she would actually be making us…._do_ shit.

"E… can you peel those potatoes on the table, and Jasper, I need you to please chop the carrots and celery for the stuffing. Here…knives….cutting boards…Go!" she yelled, handing us the appropriate equipment and ordering us to get moving while we just stood there gaping at her. She was the sexiest little drill sergeant I had ever seen.

"What…you two can't cut?" she asked, looking between the two of us. Her eyes narrowed. "Oh no…No no no! You're high? Oh God!" Bella buried her face in her hands in complete despair. "You two are completely useless now…shit E. Come on, I really needed your help with this." Bella threw her towel on the counter and pouted almost at the point of tears. "I don't know what the hell I am doing and I called my mom but she's no help and Maggie's working and your mom is…"

"Hey…we can still help," I said softly, walking toward her. I wanted to give her a reassuring hug, but instead I lifted my hand to tug on a lose hair, but recanted before I touched her. "Why are you getting all worked up over this? It's just my family and we're so happy we're not eating Tofurkey that we'd settle for dog shit on a skewer."

"I know, I know, but I've never done this before and I want it to be nice, E…I want it to be special. It's our first holiday together." She shook her head, looking like she was going to cry.

Jasper had started rigorously peeling carrots at the table, so lost in concentration that his tongue was lolling out of his mouth. He paused the motion to stare at us and then held up the overly shaved carrot that was now mangled beyond repair. It wouldn't have even been recognizable if it wasn't orange.

"Look...I'm helping!" he exclaimed. I would have smacked him in the back of the head had he not been really fucking proud of his accomplishment. To Jasper, opening a jar of pickles was the extent of his culinary expertise, so this was extraordinary in all respects.

Bella chuckled lightly, walking over to Jasper to affectionately pat him on the head in gratitude and reassurance. I swear if he was a cat I think he would have meowed. Instead of normally making me jealous and pissed off, I was actually surprised at how sweet I found the exchange to be. Either I was getting soft or the meds were working.

While Bella worked at the counter, Jasper and I helped as much as we could, mangling and deforming enough vegetables to choke a horse. Nevertheless, Bella said we were indeed helpful.

At one point, I had lost my grip on one of the potatoes I was peeling, which by the way, looked like a big bowl of rocks by the time I had finished. It slipped out of my hand and across the floor skidding to its final destination under the stove. I shrugged my shoulders knowing that I would have to pull out the stove later on to retrieve the little rogue potato. A few minutes later, we watched Jasper's deformed carrot fly across the room, and roll to meet his friend the potato under the stove as well. Jazz and I just looked at each other not really knowing what to do so still being quite fucking high… we lost it.

He began a verse of, "On top of spaghetti…all covered with cheese…"

And I chimed in with, "I lost my potato when somebody sneezed…"

We finished out the song we hadn't sang since Kindergarten with unbridled enthusiasm. Bella's back had been turned so she just turned and glared at us evilly while mumbling to her giant kitchen knife.

Though she was frenzied, scanning the screen of her laptop placed on the counter for recipes, and occasionally knocking something over, she was working well and getting a lot done with our help. I was proud of her for not freaking out too badly, even when she burned a batch of sautéing onions. I just stood, took the pan from her and dumped it in the garbage, pulling out another onion and began to mince or whatever the fuck you call it, while she just stood there gaping at me.

When my eyes started tearing up from the onion vapors, Jasper came over and gave me this big shitty hug, patting my back like a douche telling me everything would be okay. And then I hugged him back, pretending to cry and declaring, "I love you man!" to him because it was funny and Bella needed to laugh…which she did. Then I promptly chucked an onion at his head.

Jasper asked for some "mood music" and no sooner than the potatoes were cooked and mashed, were we all feeling more relaxed. Bella served us both juice boxes to drink and those stupid goldfish crackers in a little bowl like we were fucking five years old, explaining that Charlie had done some shopping that week. He apparently thought his drop dead gorgeous daughter who wore stilettos and fingered herself in front of me took a goddamn Hello Kitty lunch box to third grade everyday.

Eventually, Jasper sobered up by eating half of Bella's pantry, and then left to get Alice from work. Bella went upstairs to shower, while I cleaned the kitchen, including removing the little kamikaze veggies from under the stove. When she came back down, she was dressed in sweats and my Gap sweatshirt, with wet hair tied into two long braids on either side of her head and no makeup. I loved her like that, with all her freckles on her nose visible and looking far less tempting to molest than I would have under any other circumstances liked.

We went back to my house, where she smoked a little to calm her frazzled nerves, even though she said something about needing to be on her A- game for the morning. Girls were fucking weird, but me being the perfectionist that I was, understood her need to want to get it right. I just wanted to help her ease the stress, because it was a holiday and it shouldn't have been so angst ridden for her.

She was lying on my bed singing to music when I plopped down next to her leaning my chin on my hand.

"I have a present for you," I said grinning.

She smiled, bolted upright and squealed, "What is it?"

I shrugged my shoulders to tease her, which elicited a high pitched shriek that made me cringe as it pierced my ears. She then stood on the bed and began to jump on it, yelling, "Tell me! Tell me what it is!" Her braids bounced up and down as she did and I couldn't help but laugh at her. I honestly had never seen her so utterly childlike and joyous before. She was breathtaking.

But in that enjoyment of seeing her so happy, I refused, so she took it up on herself to run around the room, opening drawers and doors in search of said gift. She was so fucking cute that I felt compelled to draw it out to see if she would actually come close to finding the tickets. She uncovered my stash of Playboy's and Penthouse's in the bottom nightstand drawer, giving me a questioning glance. I gingerly took the small stack from her from her without a word, placing it neatly back in its proper spot and shutting the drawer without any additional discussion.

_I love you, but_ _leave my damn porn alone._

Bella continued on to the desk, picking up random items that had nothing to do with her surprise, but that she found interesting. A tiny snow globe with snowman parts floating in glittery water from New York, an old first place ribbon from a spelling bee that I had won in sixth grade (do not laugh at me fuckers…I was Illinois State champion and damn proud of it too) a two dollar bill from my grandfather, and a pewter figurine of a sword and a shield. She held that up with her eyebrows furrowed.

"It's a symbol of strength. Em gave it to me after…" I answered waving my hand dismissively, laying back down on the bed without explaining further.

She put it back on the shelf and moved across the room to the closet, in which she whipped the door open with an exaggerated, "Ah ha!"

"Holy shit." Bella stood in the doorway and turned to me. "Holy shit! Are you kidding me with this? My mom and I lived in smaller apartments than this closet." I sat up on my elbows watching her with amusement as she perused the walls lined in all my color coordinated shirts, and the endless row of jeans and pants. One entire wall was just shoes, neatly arranged in little cubicles. Another wall was just tee shirts and casual clothes, which normal people would have simply folded in a drawer or something, but because I hated wrinkled clothing, I hung everything up. She spent some time in there looking at everything with awe. I always kept the door shut to prevent dust settlement, so even after two months of being together she still hadn't been inside the closet.

"Wow…you are so unbelievably anal….it's actually frightening. I could move in here, you know. Put a little fridge and some snacks in the corner and I'm all good."

I chuckled at the thought of Bella actually taking up residence in my walk in. "Though I would fucking kill to see you in one of my shirts and nothing else, there's no chance in hell you're living in my closet. You'll get Goldfish cracker deposits on all of my clothes. Then I'd have to dismember you." She turned around, scowling and shutting the door after she found no treasure. Bella dropped to her knees to peer under the bed.

_God Damn. Bella on her knees...in front of my bed..._

"Not even a frigging dust bunny," she mumbled.

And then she skulked toward the bed slowly, took one of my pillows in her hands and lunged onto the bed on all fours hovering over me breathless with wide eyes. The sight of her, panting practically on top of me, had me suddenly very aroused. She grinned and, throwing her head back in evil laughter, smothered my face with the pillow.

"Bella, I can't breathe," I said muffled, rolling my eyes under the darkness of the pillowcase. She lifted up one end of the pillow, peeking to check on me.

"Come on, E. Tell me where my present is...please?" She sat back on her heels, pouting a bit before pulling the sweatshirt off.

"What are you doing?" I asked in disbelief. She had on a thin white tee-shirt underneath, which rode up enough that I could see all of her stomach and part of her pink bra. The little E on her belly ring glinted at me, and I smiled proud of the claim I had staked on her.

"I'm seducing you into telling me," she whispered, giving me an overtly sultry look that I would savor until the end of time. Then she rolled her eyes. "Relax…I'm just sweaty from the scavenger hunt." I had the fireplace going on full blast when we came in, so the room was definitely toasty now.

"Oh," I replied dumbly. "Um…here." Lifting my hips up off the bed, I pulled an envelope from my back pocket handing it to her, as I took the offensive pillow and tucked it under my head. She opened the envelope and looked at me with a huge smile.

"Oh my God, Yes! This is so cool! When are we going?" Bella flipped the concert tickets in her hand looking for the date of the show.

"December 5th, it's a Saturday. But listen, it's in Seattle and we're not going to make it back until really late, so either we stay in a hotel there, or we drive back afterward. You might want to take the next day off of work though, and think of an excuse to tell Charlie."

She nodded still grinning widely. "Thank you so much, E... I can't wait."

"Oh here, I almost forgot…you're going to need this too." Slipping my hand in my back pocket again, I pulled out her new driver's license and smirked.

"No fucking way! I am twenty one? I'm twenty one!" she clapped her hands in excitement before crashing down next to me. "This is so awesome. Is it an early Christmas present? Because I don't have anything to give you yet."

"No, no. This is just because I want to see New Moon play live and there's no one else I would rather go with. I already got your Christmas present though," I said smirking. But I held my hand up just as she started clapping and squealing again, ready to launch herself on another gift finding mission. "It's not here yet, so don't even bother looking, you little freak."

She scowled and grumbled as she lay down next to me again. After a minute or so, Bella sighed softly, taking her lip in between her teeth. "I've missed you," she said quietly, brushing the silky tail of her braid on my nose. I wrinkled my nose at the tickle.

"What do you mean you missed me? I've been right here, baby." I hooked my thumbs around the loops of my belt, to keep my fingers restrained. It was far too tempting to be this close to her and not touch or kiss her again, because it was all I had wanted to do since we had kissed in my car. If I concentrated hard enough I could still feel her lips against mine, her breath and the sweetness of her scent all around me as if it were yesterday.

"You suddenly stopped…touching me," she explained, running her pointer finger absently over the words of her promise ring. "I was sort of wondering why." Her eyes met mine and I offered her a small smile.

"I shouldn't have done it in the first place," I replied softly, gauging her reaction. "If we get caught touching, Bella…I can't think about the consequences without wanting to hurl."

She nodded minutely. "Do you regret it? Kissing me?"

I thought about it for a moment before I answered, "Yes…and no." Bella's expression crumpled into a dejected scowl. Before she could get emotional, I clarified, "Yes, because now I know what it's like and it's all I want and it fucking sucks to not be able to satisfy that incessant urge…to just_ be_ with you the way we want. And no, because it was so goddamn amazing and it was just a tiny taste of what we will be able to do. It's something to look forward to…one of many things." I raised my eyebrows suggestively, hoping that my answers would mollify her enough to get her not to be so upset.

Bella's smile returned, and even though it was only gone a few minutes I had missed it immensely. "Okay, just as long as it wasn't something I had done. This is all new to me and you should sort of tell me what's going on in your head, because I was stressing out over it, thinking you regretted the rings and your feelings. I'm not a mind reader, after all." "

"Baby, I…love you, and I'm sorry if I scared you." I thought it would be a good time to segue into telling her about what Seth had told me and about the fact that I was taking antidepressants, but I got distracted when she rolled onto her stomach, scooting closer to me.

A mischievous light danced in Bella's eyes…a light that I recognized.

_She wanted to play_.

Bella licked her lips and brushed the tail end of her long braid back and forth against my closed mouth, the warmth of her breath washing over my face. She was closer than I was entirely comfortable with, because it was so easy to just lean forward minutely to kiss her like this.

She batted her long dark eyelashes like the little innocent vixen that she was. "So I guess that means we can't even…fool around, without touching? Not even just a little bitty bit?"

_And… there goes my dick._

"Bella…"

"Yes?"

I groaned as she trailed the end of her braid across my forehead, down the bridge of my nose to my mouth again. Then through her lashes, she gazed up at me with this half devilish, half demure expression, trailing the braid down my chin to my neck toward the front of my v -neck shirt. The strands of soft hair against my skin felt so good, so I closed my eyes allowing her to make circles on the skin revealed by the small opening in the fabric.

"Do you like this?" she asked softly. I was already hard, wondering why she even bothered asking. I mean, she could clearly see because of the rock hard lump in my sweats that I did indeed like it.

A lot.

"Mmmm," I responded with my eyes still closed. "You are such a bad influence."

She chuckled darkly then sighed. "Take off your shirt."

My lids flew open at the forcefulness of her demanding tone. It was so unlike Bella. However…this was different.

This was more about control and the fact that she wanted some. And not the kind of control where she's clad in a patent leather corset and seven inch heels wielding a flogger demanding that I call her Mistress…not that that image of her was a bad one by any means, but I digress.

I think it was just her attempt at regaining some semblance of control over the relationship, because I had taken all of it away from her when I stopped the touching without explanation.

"Please?" she whispered with all the forcefulness departed from her tone, as she sensed my trepidation. "I won't touch you skin to skin, and you can say no, I promise I will understand. I just want to make you feel good, okay? And I really just…I just want to feel close to you again…" her voice trailed off, almost giving way to an air of sadness.

I exhaled, internally groaning as I contemplated this offer for a brief moment. It was a fair assumption to say that she was feeling insecure about us. That was the last thing I wanted.

The idea of the intensity of my feelings for Bella waning minutely was absolutely ridiculous to me, but the fact that I was the only one that was privy to the reasons for my less than convincing behavior…she couldn't possibly understand from my perspective, and doubt on her behalf was certainly to be expected. And Bella, my beautiful girl never asked me for a fucking thing except maybe cutting a few potatoes, so I felt compelled to appease her. Because after all, it would be outright rude to decline her request to make me feel good.

_Fuck it. Rules are meant to be broken…even the ones I enforce myself._

"Lock the door."

_I am so fucked._

Bella smiled, boisterously jumping off the bed to click the lock closed. As I watched her practically bounce across the room, I thought that any girl who felt that much excitement just at the idea of pleasing me, would either have to be nuts about me or just plain insane. Obviously, Bella was kinda sorta both. And I loved her for that.

I sat up, pulling off my dark green tee shirt and tossed it on the couch. Bella's eyes were wide, as they traveled the length of my torso, watching the shirt disappear. Her gaze settled on my nipple ring, as she licked her lips.

"I wanna suck on that so damn badly," she whispered. My dick twitched, sending a spiral of heat into my groin.

_Yeah, well apparently my dick has other plans for your sucking. _

I tugged on the ring a little, teasing her before I laced my fingers behind my head. I was trying to relax as much as possible, but kicking myself for feeling the slightest sense of regret for allowing this to start again. Making a silent promise to myself, I swore that if we made any skin to skin contact I would stop her…or at least I would try my best.

Bella sat on her knees as close as possible to my ribcage without actually making contact with my body. She hovered, leaving a few inches between our bodies while bracing her arm on the other side of my ribs. I loved and hated that she was so damn close to me and that her little form wasn't writhing on top of me, moaning and whimpering my name.

Bella took the long tail end of the braid, sweeping it ever so lightly across my collarbone into the hollow at the base of my throat. She shifted slightly, so that she could sweep the hair down to my nipples, where she spent a decent amount of time focusing on the piercing. She let out a sweet frustrated little whimper, sending ripples of desire through me.

"You are so beautiful…it almost hurts to look at you," she whispered. I smirked, feeling embarrassed but flattered at the same time, as my ears reddened with flushed heat. And then…she fucking smirked at me…lowering her head toward my chest…and with her motherfucking talented tongue, lifted up the silver loop and tugged on it in her teeth.

I let out a hiss as my whole body went into a mini spasm. My cock was so unbelievably hard and aching to be touched and relieved of the tension that was slowly building deep inside, begging to be set free. Bella tugged harder on the ring, making me whimper audibly. I thought for a second that if she could make my body respond this way without even touching me…what the fuck would happen when she could?

I swallowed, looking down to watch her. Bella's braids were coiled beneath her, resting on my chest while she moved the ring back and forth with her teeth. I had really sensitive nipples, so this was…fucking awesome. If I had ever considered any type of regret for getting the piercing, I took every ounce of it back for this one moment alone.

For a second I stared at her incredulously, teasing me with her gifted tongue and her equally exceptional teeth, wondering how a girl that had barely been kissed was able to excite me like this with absolutely no contact.

Because, not once did she touch my skin.

The mounting pressure in my cock was beginning to become too much. "Beautiful…I have to do something here. Do you mind if I…" I pleaded in a whimper, hoping she wouldn't require any more clarification.

"Of course. Go ahead," she said licking her lips in anticipation. Without any sort of indignity or awkwardness, I lifted my hips off the bed, tugging my sweats down, letting my hard on spring forth. Bella sighed heavily as she stared, closer to my dick than reasonably possible as I felt the warmth of her breath spread over me. I gripped my cock in my hand, wrapping my fingers around the shaft to stroke it.

"Beautiful…can you do me a favor? Can you grab the lotion and turn off the light please."

She crawled across the bed to the nightstand, pulling out her lotion and clicking off the light. The fireplace left a warm glow which much more comforting than the table lamp...and less of a fucking spotlight for me to jerk off in.

With the tube of lotion still in her hand, she situated herself back in the spot beside me. She leaned forward, bending inches away from my dick…then centimeters. I stared at her in disbelief thinking she was going to lick it or something but instead she blew a warm stream of air along the length. I swear my cock did an actual happy dance in anticipation and then glared at her for the ultimate let down. I gasped loudly while convulsing slightly as the sensation ripped though me and caused my shoulders to lift off the bed.

"Oh fuck. Do that again," I begged. It felt so fucking good, so erotic, and innocent at the same time. Without hesitation, Bella pursed her lips and blew another stream on my dick, this time moving her face rapidly, so that the air made a twisted ribbon of warmth along my skin. I groaned aloud in sheer pleasure, not having anything near my poor neglected dick but my own fucking hand in like…forever.

She continued the blowing of air, as she added the soft brushing of the end of her braid to the mix. The sensation of the silky strands against my overly sensitive skin was too much. This was a whole other version of "blowjob."

"Bella…shit…"

With one eye open, I watched Bella's rapt fascination at being in such close proximity to my dick. Her eyes were alight with concentration, clearly wanting to make this pleasurable for me. I wondered if she had either read about this technique in one of her girlie magazines or if Rose told her to do it because it didn't seem like something she would just come up with out of the blue.

Bella sighed as she took the brush of hair, swiping it along my wet slit. I didn't realize what she was doing until she put the strands to her tongue and smirked.

She was _tasting_ me.

Bella licked her lips without making eye contact with me, doing the same motion over the slit, and tasting me again. It was the hottest fucking thing I had ever seen.

"Bella, baby…" I moaned, urgently needing the release, even though what she was doing was too good to spoil it with the use of my own hand.

She took the hint, squirting the lotion in a thin line over the length of my cock. I held my palm out to her, silently asking for a little more. Bella sat back on her heels as I stroked, rubbing the lotion around the base and the swollen head adding a few quick strokes in for good measure.

"You have the most beautiful fingers, Edward. I can't wait until they are inside me," she whispered, so softly, that I almost hard a difficult time hearing her over the noise from the fireplace. On the other hand, maybe it was my heavy breathing...maybe...but let me just blame the fireplace.

"Fuck…me too." My hand moved furiously over the skin on my cock, taking in her words and her voice and the scent of the lotion that was all Bella. My eyes were shut as I worked it out, trying to match her words with dirty images of her so that I didn't have to prolong the release. I mean, she was right there, but I was jerking off and it wasn't something I was particularly proud of or fond of doing right in front of her.

I whimpered as I felt her body heat suddenly on my cheek. Bella was so close to my ear, all I needed to do was move slightly and she would be kissing my cheekbone.

"I can't wait to feel you in my mouth Edward. I dream about sucking you off and tasting your cum in my mouth and…"

_And I'm done._

Her dirty talking words fueled the looming heat in my groin, forcing the orgasm threefold. As I spurted my junk all over my palm, cursing and groaning while I emptied out, Bella remained close to my ear, whispering, "You are so hot when you come and I fucking love you so much it's disgusting."

As the last of it released, Bella hopped up off the bed, returning from the bathroom with a wet and dry towel. I took the dry one from her gratefully, wiping my hand and the spots on my thighs that bore bits of spillage. She took the other towel, wet and warm, dragging it up my inner thighs to the shaft of my cock, which was now beginning to deflate. Bella gently wiped all the traces of foreign moisture away as I watched in fascination…utterly thankful, completely spent and absolutely fucking starving.

"Baby, where'd that dirty girl come from?" I asked, staring at her incredulously.

"You didn't like it? Rose and Angela said that guys love dirty talk."

"Uh, fuck yeah I liked it, you couldn't tell by how fast I came? It was so fucking hot, Baby. Thank you."

"You are very welcome."

She smirked, lying back down on the bed next to me with her eyes shut. She never actually touched my skin, but I could clearly see how pleased she was with herself, that she successfully got me off without breaking a single one of the rules.

_This just might work after all._

**~%~**

That next morning, my mother gathered us all in the kitchen over our organic spelt pancakes covered in honey, granola, and an abundance of strawberries.

Emmett had exclaimed, "Why the fuck can't we just have maple syrup? I mean seriously? Is it going to kill us? Is it?" My mother smacked him in the back of the head so hard that Emmett sat there stunned in silence as we all just gaped at him.

"Do you want me to call Bella and cancel, because I can do that? Don't think that for a second that I won't." She shook her finger at us while she seethed furiously and threatening us through her gritted teeth. Esmom could be really fucking scary when she wanted to be. Who would think that a 5 foot 2...125 pound woman could bring my monster of a brother to his knees?

Ignoring our frightened stares and Emmett's pleads, she then informed us all that we would not only be dressing up to go to Bella's this afternoon, but we would be grounded if any of us so much as whispered a word of profanity aloud.

None of argued, but as we left to head upstairs to shower, Em let his displeasure known. "Awww man…if I dress up then I can't wear my Thanksgiving pants. Stupid fucking dress pants don't expand. She better be sending home leftovers."

Jasper whined, "It's only Bella's house. I don't know what the fucking big deal is."

I huffed. "The fucking big deal is that she worked damn hard on this thing and you could demonstrate a little gratitude and respect for her efforts by showing that you give a shit enough to look decent."

They both snickered. "Edward, you are so fucking pussy whipped it's actually embarrassing."

"Jasper," I said dryly, "pussy whipped is a term for guys who are getting some actual pussy. I am getting nothing, so shut the fuck up."

I took a courteously short shower, knowing that there were four other people who needed hot water and I didn't feel like hearing them bitch at me. I dressed in dark gray cashmere pants, and a black v-neck sweater layered over a light gray collared shirt. It was dressy enough without screaming "pussy whipped."

I did the messy faux hawk thing with my hair, because Bella liked it, and because it toned down the ultra conservativeness of the outfit making me appear rebellious yet respectful. I knew how much effort she had expended for this dinner, so I thought it was only proper that I extend the same courtesy. I also knew that Bella hadn't yet engaged in a discussion with her father about us having a relationship but it was inevitable, so I needed Charlie to see that his daughter was dating a good guy…despite the rape accusations…car theft…drug and alcohol use…mutual masturbation…voyeurism…acquisition of fake identification…

_Yeah, I was a father's fucking nightmare._

While I lit a cigarette outside, I called Bella to see if she needed me to come early to help her, but she said that Maggie had gotten there early and they were done except for setting the table. Bella sounded much more relaxed and actually chipper, which was a big relief for me. I realized that I was stressing out over her stressing out.

Promptly at 2:17, my brothers and I stood in line at in the front hallway, waiting for dress inspection. Each of us was given a once over, and then upon approval, my mom's eyes welled up with tears as she muttered how beautiful and handsome we all were and then something about us having grown into men so quickly or some shit like that. We all looked at each other and then my dad, who just shrugged his shoulders and smirked.

When she got herself under control, Esmom handed us each some sort of fancy glass dish containing a dessert and we walked down the block to Bella's. We rang the bell, standing like idiots with huge corny smiles waiting to be invited in.

As Bella opened the door, the delicious mix of cooking turkey combined with the scent of cinnamon wafted out toward us. She beamed at all of us, bouncing up on her brown stiletto heels as she energetically wished my family a happy thanksgiving. I could see her gigantic smile from the bottom step of the porch….she was fucking lit.

Jasper walked in first, hugging Bella and handing her a pie. Em slipped in next, kissing her on the cheek, while placing what Mom had earlier called a trifle bowl in Bella's other hand. My mom kissed Bella's cheek and hugged her, complementing her tight fitting, off -white sweater dress which she looked fucking edible in. My father stood before her with a shopping bag, opening it up so Bella could take a peek inside.

"Tupperware?" she questioned with a smile.

"Shhhh…it's for leftovers," he whispered inconspicuously, evidently trying not to set my mother off. "I'll return it to you after it's all empty and clean." He winked and added, "Everything smells delicious."

Bella winked back animatedly whispering, "Gotcha."

The exchange was really fucking adorable.

I smiled, approaching her slowly, as she stood there with her hands completely full. I was grateful because her father was behind her shaking hands with my family and I didn't want it to seem weird that I didn't kiss Bella or hug her when everyone else did.

"God, you look so handsome…and hot." She said licking her lips while overly pronouncing the t at the end of hot.

"You look fucking delicious yourself, Beautiful," I whispered into her ear. She let out a tiny whimper from her glossy pink lips, looking down at the floor. "I see you're feeling hell of a lot more relaxed today too."

"Yeah, well um…Maggie sort of spiked the hot apple cider with some spiced rum. I've been drinking it since ten A.M., so yeah…I'm a lot relaxed," she whispered giving me a knowing look. I snickered, taking both of the dishes from her hands as I followed her to the kitchen for some of that cider.

Bella said to Maggie, "This is Emmett and Jasper, and you already know my Edward." I hugged Maggie, smiling at Bella's introduction. I then downed three glasses of cider in about ten minutes, feeling much more tranquil and on the precipice of horny. I knew I shouldn't be drinking while on the meds, but I wasn't driving and if I fell asleep or something, I could always blame it on the Tryptophan in the turkey.

While Em and Jazz and my father stuffed their faces on appetizers, my mom and Charlie discussed some landscaping ideas, while I talked with Maggie and Bella about how my fucking eyebrows looked so natural even after waxing.

While the group chatted and ate cheerfully, Bella fed me stuffed mushrooms while Charlie eyed us rather contemptuously.

"B…what's up with your dad?" I asked, chewing on a mushroom.

"Maggie asked about the hardware right in front of him," she said, pointing to her promise ring. "So I had to tell them that we were dating. She didn't know that he didn't know, though part of him had to know…cause it's not like he's stupid or naive. But since he's never seen us like, touch or anything, I think the _dad_ in him was hoping that we were only friends or really hoping that you were just gay. He wasn't thrilled but he said you were a nice kid and I could do a hell of a lot worse," she whispered.

I chuckled, relieved. "Did he have the sex talk with you yet?"

She shuddered. "Oh God, he tried in his own sad, pathetic, bumbling way, but I told him about the real meaning of the rings and it made him shut the hell up, thank God. If he only knew _our_ meanings…"

"Yeah, he'd fucking cut my dick off if he knew."

A few people had noticed my ring since I had gotten it. My parents thought it was a genius way to keep prying eyes off of us and my brothers thought it was completely gay that we were wearing matching rings. Everyone else thought it was cool but judging by their reactions, they were sort of surprised, because it was rare that teenagers remained abstinent until marriage. Apparently we were setting a good example, or some shit, but the real meaning behind the rings was less than admirable.

While Bella went off the help with the rest of dinner with the females in the kitchen, the males gravitated to the Cowboys and Redskins game in the den while I found myself in the dining room staring at the set table.

On each of the plates was a little tent card bearing a first name written in Bella's girlie cursive. I noticed that while the table looked really pretty as a whole, all the individual settings were uneven. I glanced to see if anyone was paying attention, while I circled the large rectangular table aligning the silverware perfectly to the bottoms of the plates, and turning all of the knife blades inward. Placing my fingertips on the wine glasses gingerly by the base, I inconspicuously slid them into a perfect 45 degree angle from the right of the plate and then I moved all the spoons to the outer side of the knives.

As Jasper passed by on his way to the bathroom, he leaned over and muttered, "Want me to ask Charlie if he has a level in the garage?" I scowled at him, slipped him my middle finger and continued perfecting the table.

Bella must have folded the linen napkins while she was drunk, because none of the edges were aligned.

I took the linen napkin in front of Bella's plate and folded it into a perfect swan, placing it atop her plate. Then, because I was sort of drunk and bored and completely OCD-ing over the fact that if one plate had a swan then they all should have swans…so an entire goddamn flock of birds was created in ten minutes.

Not only was I ridiculously anal, but I had suddenly channeled the Thanksgiving spirit of Martha fucking Stewart.

My mother glided into the dining room holding a platter of spiraled ham. She hovered the dish under my nose before she set the plate down in the center of the table. It smelled amazing, and my mouth actually watered.

"Sweetie, did you make the napkin turkeys?" she asked with awe, holding her hand over her heart.

"Um...they're swans, but yeah. I was kind of bored."

I swear to God, she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me like I was going off to war.

"Mom...are you okay? You seem a little off today," I asked quietly, as Maggie brought out a casserole dish with stuffing placing it on the table and then beamed over the fucking napkin turkeys.

"The turkeys are so great Edward! Who knew you had such hidden talents?"

"Thanks, but they're supposed to be swans," I replied flatly. Bella brought out a dish with green beans in one hand and a pitcher of gravy in the other, which I took from her, placing them both on the table.

She started laughing uncontrollably as she picked up a swan and made it kiss my face. Well, it was more like incessant pecking, until I had to finally pull the napkin out of her hand and beat her into submission with it, before folding the fabric back into a bird and placing him in his rightful place.

Maggie announced that dinner was ready, sending my family into the dining room like a goddamn herd of cattle.

Em and Jasper remarked about the swans, beginning to recall the tale of how I learned to make them while on the cruise to Hawaii. I gave them both warning glances to shut the fuck up, because Tanya's name was bound to come up and I didn't want her mentioned in Bella's presence. Of course it did, as they were laughing about how I was so anal with getting the stupid napkin creatures perfect. And even after everyone gave up because it was stupid, I persisted because I wanted to impress Tanya, which was not the case actually. Bella smiled at me, looking away, and I whispered apologies to her while muttering to my brother's that they were idiots for bringing that up.

I walked into the kitchen and at Maggie's request, brought the huge turkey platter into the dining room where everyone was seated. After setting it on the table in front of Charlie, I sat in my assigned seat next to Bella, smiling at her. Everyone remarked how great the food looked and smelled and Emmett whipped his swan napkin out with a snap, tucking it into his shirt like a bib while rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

Just when we were expecting to start serving ourselves, Maggie raised her hands upward. "Is everyone okay with saying Grace?"

While Charlie casually slipped his hand into hers, my family sort of froze…four sets of eyes staring between Bella and I. I panicked, my heart suddenly racing and I felt an uncomfortable wash of heat come over me.

As she raised her hands up, my mother said cheerily, "Of course not…boys?" My father inhaled before he nodded minutely, subtly granting me permission to hold Bella's hand. She smiled sheepishly, raising her palms up on either side of her, slipping one tiny hand into Charlie's and the other into mine. I laced my fingers with hers, taking in the warmth and the feeling of her fingernails digging slightly into my palm.

It was fucking heaven.

I smirked and squeezed her hand a little, ignoring the snickers coming from my douchebag brothers and the look of nostalgia that crossed my mother's teary eyed glance. What the fuck was with her and the tears lately?

"Bella, would you do the honors?" Charlie asked, glancing her way.

"Uh…okay." She bowed her head, closing her eyes as the rest of the table followed suit. "Um… dear God, we thank you for all of your many blessings, for this delicious feast, for our heath, for our families and for our wonderful friends...oh, and for hand holding and designer boots and concert tickets and fake…" I squeezed her hand tightly before she blurted out incriminating words in a mildly drunken rant.

She cleared her throat, continuing, "Fake um…fur. Thank you for laughter, and smiles and happiness….and apple cider." She looked at Maggie and winked.

"Please provide good food to all of the starving people out there, and make those who have no one to hug them today feel loved. Thank you for…everything. Amen."

"Amen," we all chimed after her.

"Wait! Can I add something?" Emmett asked excitedly. "I'd like to say thanks to God for real USDA turkey and I also want to say a prayer for Tom Gobbler for sacrificing his life and leaving behind his wife and little gobbler kids to give us this fine feast of deliciousness. May he rest in…pieces."

A huge grin spread over his face, as everyone laughed, adding another, "Amen."

"Um…I just want to say thank you to Bella and Maggie for cooking all of this amazing food and for Charlie for welcoming us into his beautiful home," my mother said, snickering slightly, at the last part because she infact, decorated his beautiful home. "And I want to say how thankful I am for all of my children, and for the girls in their lives that make them better men and…for little miracles…" she cleared her throat to cover up the cracking in her voice. Jasper and I gave each other a glance that said a silent, _What the fuck?_ My father slipped his hand into hers on top of the table, comforting my mom as she whispered apologies, wiping away more tears.

"Okay, soooo…anyone else?" Charlie asked breaking the uncomfortable silence, poised over the turkey with a huge knife and fork. When no one objected, Charlie began to slice the turkey, while the side dishes were passed around the table. With all that was going on, no one had noticed that after everyone unclasped his or her hands after the Amen was spoken, Bella and I had not. Her warm little hand sat, wrapped entirely in mine, resting on my thigh.

Neither of us had stopped smiling. I leaned over to her, whispering in her ear, "I am so thankful for you, Beautiful. And I'm fucking thankful that you can cook."

She giggled, mouthing the words, "I love you." I caught my mother staring at us, and furrowed my eyebrows at her. She shook her head, smiling to herself as she began to eat. Bella served the food into our plates as inconspicuously as possible, while still keeping our hands interlinked.

The food was incredible, considering it came entirely from a sixteen year old girl and her stoned friends who really had no idea what the hell they were doing. I ate the entire meal with my left hand, awkward and weird, but not wanting to let go of Bella's. We were given permission, and though I didn't think it was meant to last throughout dinner, I wasn't about to let the opportunity slip away.

Everyone was quiet, except for the clinking of silverware and glasses, and an occasional hum of approval for the food. My mother then, breaking the silence, suddenly began to moan in pleasure.

"Oh, my God…this turkey is just…oh my God!" Everyone looked at her and then each other, and then at my poor father who was nodding red-faced as he continued to eat in mortification. "This ham…it's like heaven...wow…mmmmm…"

I couldn't figure out if her embarrassing semi- orgasmic reaction was because she hadn't ingested real meat in ages or if she was going through some weird hormonal shift with all of her crying and mood swings. It was almost like PMS or maybe even…

"Mom?" Next to me, Jasper's fork clinked down onto his plate with a jarring clatter as he asked quietly, "Are you… are you pregnant?" My mother and father looked at each other with loving adoration as my mom's eyes welled up with tears yet again. Emmett choked on his food, spewing out bits of it all over the table.

"We're due in July. See…you make fun of my stupid food, but I think that's the reason I was having difficulty conceiving!"

"Oh my God, Mom," I said in disbelief, letting go of Bella's hand as I stood up to hug her and my dad. It was complete bullshit in my opinion that the organic food helped her conceive, but whatever she needed to believe get her through the day.

"So does that mean we can eat normal food now?" Emmett asked hopefully. Mom shook her head no, but she seemed a bit less adamant about it now.

It was weird…everyone getting up to hug and kiss my parents for being pregnant. I knew they probably didn't want to tell anyone for at least another month or so, considering my mother's history with losing her pregnancies, but her odd behavior was just too telling.

After that, Charlie raised his glass in toast to the new addition, and dinner resumed on a much more cheerful note while Maggie and mom discussed turning her office into a nursery and the fact that Emmett would be going off to college one month after the baby was born. The idea hit her at the same time as Maggie. Maybe instead of the office being turned into a nursery, Em's room would be a much better choice. For the second time during dinner by brother choked on his food.

Bella and I slipped our hands back inside each other's, continuing to enjoy the food and the great news and our temporary pass to touch.

I was going to be a big brother.

My mom and dad were so fucking happy.

Things were looking up…definitely.

Later on, Rose and Alice showed up for dessert, making the dining room a lot more crowded, but much more complete. We stuffed our faces with amazing pies and the damn good brownie trifle, all made with non- organic ingredients, despite my mother's usual propensity to use such gross stuff in her cooking.

After dessert was cleaned up, we played charades, laughing our asses off at Emmett pretending to do the famous potato scene from Gone With the Wind. That was a fucking sight if I ever saw one.

Later on, everyone left Bella's armed with plenty of leftovers and then she and I watched a little television alone. It was late and when she started to yawn, I told her I should probably get going. She insisted on walking me halfway home, so we stopped midway to say our goodbyes.

"I like seeing you so happy," she said, tentatively running her fingers along the lapel of my wool coat.

"It's because I'm with you," I replied smiling. "And uh…I sort of started taking antidepressants a few weeks ago, so maybe that's a little bit why too." I looked down at the ground, fearful of her reaction.

"Why didn't you tell me, E?" She looked up at me with her expression so dejected and forlorn.

"Because I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. My parents looked at me with such…fucking pity and I couldn't stand it if you looked at me like that too. My shrink said I was depressed, and that's why I was so moody and shit all the time. It's better now, right?"

"Yeah, it's a lot better. I'm glad you told me, though I could very well have gone on happily thinking I was the sole reason you were suddenly smiling so much." She tugged at the coat playfully, smirking and looking at the ground.

"You have no idea how much I love you Bella, and how happy you do make me. But I guess I just needed a little extra help. Thank you for being so patient with me. I um…I appreciate it."

"Edward, I would do absolutely anything for you, I swear to God I would."

"I know that Beautiful, and the same goes for me."

Pressing my fingers to my lips, I blew her a kiss whispering, "Good Night," and motioned for her to head back home. Once her front door shut behind her, I headed home, up the balcony stairs to smoke a cigarette, and maybe catch a glimpse of my beautiful girl in a state of undress.

I sat against the house enjoying my full belly and the cool night air, the deep draw of the cigarette and the amazing view of my girl all the while thinking about the idea that we were going to have a little baby in our house soon.

And before I snuffed out my smoke, I said a silent prayer in thanks for all of the blessings I was given, which I so often left unappreciated because I couldn't see past all the shit in my life.

Because tonight, for the first time in a very long time I was honestly and truly thankful for all of the great things that I had in my life and especially for all of the wonderful things to come.

**~%~**

**Happy Thanksgiving to my American girls. And Happy Thursday to everyone else.**

**xoxox**

**EBT**


	22. Chapter 22 A Little Jealousy

**Thank you to Becca for the red penning and to Suzy for your above and beyond bata'ing without internet connection. **

*****Alice's and Bella's outfits are on my profile page.*** **

**~High Anxiety ~**

**Chapter 22~ A Little Jealousy**

**Ohhh I got your crazy  
I'm going out of my mind  
I think I'm crazy  
I think I'm going out of my mind  
You call me crazy  
I thought I saw you touching my guy  
Are you crazy?  
Maybe I should take you outside  
And show you crazy  
Ohhh I got your crazy**

**Touch my man again and imma fuck you up, and imma fuck you up**

**Kaci Battaglia ~Crazy Possessive **

**~Bella~**

"Wait, wait… what about this one?" I asked Alice, holding up a little black halter dress that I had pulled from my overflowing closet. My mother had sent three more boxes loaded with outfits from her store and even Edward the Clothes Whore had mentioned that the exorbitant amount of outfits I had to choose from was absurd if not completely insane.

Yeah, that's right…he had been nosing around in my closet. We were hanging out one afternoon, and I went to the bathroom for like two seconds. When I came back I swear he had half of my stuff color coordinated and all of my shoes paired and neatly organized.

_Freak. _

_But he was my freak. _

Alice groaned, flopping onto the chair in the corner of my room. "I like that too, Bella. Okay stop, there's too much to choose from now, my head is spinning and I want to wear it all." My bed was literally covered headboard to footboard in possible outfits for Alice to spend her first night with Jasper in…

_They were gonna do it._

Alice was twitchy and nervous, and of course, she just wanted to look perfect for him. She settled on a very tight strapless denim dress that had swatches of sparkly grays and blues sewn into the fabric paired with my gray ankle boots that were too big for her but she insisted that she would wear thick socks with them regardless.

Alice and Jasper had held off a bit, wanting to wait at least six weeks from their first kiss until they had sex. According to Alice, they had done everything but the actual dirty deed, and surprisingly, Jasper was taking some advice from his brothers, going out of his way to make the event special for her. Alice said he had made reservations at a nice restaurant, and then he had alluded to the idea of them going up to the Space Needle before returning to the hotel to…well…fuck, I guess.

It worked out well for Edward and I, because they would be accompanying us to Seattle. While we went to the concert, they would be wining and dining and sexing it up back at the hotel. Edward didn't want his parents aware that he and I were going to spend the night together sleeping in the same room…they would never approve because of the restraining order. Jazz and Edward told them that the girls were rooming together because my father wouldn't allow anything otherwise, however, my father had no idea the boys were even coming along. He would ground me until I was eligible for Social Security benefits, for certain. As far as he knew, I was driving with Rose, Alice and Angela.

Clever but simple strategies were contrived, lies were concocted, and the plans for our respective evenings were set in motion. We just had to pray we didn't get caught. When it came to horny teenagers trying to hide a weekend get away with their respective significant others, the CIA, FBI and Secret Service had nothing on us.

The four of us hit the road mid morning while Carlisle and Esme were out to breakfast, and by the time we reached Seattle, it was early afternoon. Alice did not shut up the whole way there, a clear indicator that she was a ball of nerves. Edward rolled his eyes a few times, giving me smirks while he turned up the music to drown out her incessant yapping. One could only tolerate so much Alice About To Get Laid. It was finally when my own tolerance met its limit that I begged Jasper to make out with her just she would shut the fuck up for a goddamn second. I was definitely kicking myself for second-guessing the idea of slipping a Xanax into her coffee this morning.

Was I bitter at all? Envious possibly? Nooooooooo…not me. Not. At. All.

We checked into our hotel rooms; one under my name and another under Edward's, which thankfully were down the hall and not next to one another, because... the very last thing E and I wanted was to hear the strangled cries of my best friend and his brother in the throes of lovemaking. Edward made sure to get a room with two queen beds, just in case, while Jasper's room was one big king. Really, I think that Edward's main concern and priority was that the room had a goddamn iron in it. Everything else was just an afterthought.

It was very strange taking the elevator up to the tenth floor of the hotel…all four of us uncomfortably silent, as we all knew what Jasper and Alice were going to do later on that night, and what Edward and I …weren't.

At all.

In any case, I was excited and a little nervous, having this my first overnight excursion with Edward, hopefully the first of many. It was also a little weird, because I suddenly felt as though we were doing something very grown up. Renting a hotel room and seeing a rock concert with Edward made me a strange sense of maturity that I had yet to feel in my sixteen years. I quite liked the idea of playing house with Edward. A lot.

However, with all the lies we told to our parents, it had me feeling a huge bout of guilt even though what we were doing was completely innocent…except for the part about the fake ID's.

I wasn't sure what his intentions for sleeping were when I first saw the two queen beds, but I was silently hoping for a little snuggling after the concert. However, with him pulling away those last few weeks unexpectedly, I wasn't about to ask him for anything that would make us touch, fearful of a reprise.

Even though we 'fooled around' the night before Thanksgiving without touching, Edward hadn't initiated anything further in the weeks since and I was too afraid to be the aggressor, so I left it alone, hoping he would make the first move.

He hadn't.

I was okay with that, regardless. I actually felt ashamed of myself for even wanting it, knowing how much trouble it would cause him, literally and emotionally. He had enough going on in his head with the new meds and the fact that his mom and dad were expecting a baby, that he didn't need me egging on the situation with my neediness.

But I knew Edward and his moods well enough to determine that there was something he wasn't telling me…something besides the depression diagnosis and the meds he was taking that had him weirded out suddenly. I made attempts to ask a couple of times but lost my nerve, just thinking I should leave it alone until he was ready.

I felt like all I did was wait and then complain about all the waiting. Hurry up and wait. It was a vicious cycle.

After we dropped off our bags, the four of us went to lunch at a little Thai restaurant, and then walked around the city shopping, peering in extravagantly decorated holiday windows, and meandering in random stores. I wanted to buy this adorable little yellow stuffed duck for the baby, but Jasper mentioned that his mom was totally superstitious and would be sort of freaked out by any gifts until after the six month mark, when she was less likely to miscarry.

I knew they were silently on edge about her losing this baby, but Esme seemed so positive and sure that this pregnancy was going to fruition. I made sure to say extra prayers for her at night…just in case God happened to be paying attention because he certainly wasn't listening to me while I was asking for a miracle for Edward.

Edward didn't talk about it much, though on one occasion, he did say that he was thrilled for his parents, and totally excited about having a little one in the house. I found that odd, but pleasantly surprising considering the last thing I expected him to look forward to was a little person that spit up, peed, pooped, and cried uncontrollably at all hours of the night. I don't know if he even understood how messy and noisy babies were. I suppose he was just focusing on how beautiful and special they were, and that sort of made me love him even more.

I thought maybe the idea of an infant in the house would be weird for three teenage boys, but even so, I knew Edward was mostly uneasy about what it meant if the baby was a girl. It went without question that he was terrified, but he never said it out loud…we all just knew.

Carlisle called Edward's attorney a few days after they announced the pregnancy to find out about the legal impact it would have on him. Edward's lawyer stated that the no- contact order was exempt for family members, because it was literally impossible to live with someone, particularly a child, and not touch them. Also, Edward not being able to touch the baby would have severe emotional impact on him or her as well. Therefore, he was immensely relieved at that knowledge, as were his parents, who I don't think had even considered the possibility of having a touching issue before they had conceived.

I knew, without Edward having to say anything further, what that also meant for his half sister in New York. There was a definite possibility that he could meet her without concern of contact now, but the odds of his biological father allowing the meeting were slim to none. I assumed he had to let the notion go, like many other things in his life. And hell if that didn't make me so fucking sad.

But through the few weeks of uncertainty, Edward remained uncharacteristically upbeat and cheerful, the antidepressants obviously working well to help balance whatever private turmoil was working inside of him. It made me so pleased to see him like that, but I was ashamed to say that sometimes I missed that brooding part of him that was suddenly nowhere to be found.

Because brooding and mysterious Edward was so fucking sexy.

While walking around Seattle, Alice decided she wanted some lingerie. When we found an adult shop, she and I slipped inside, shooing the boys off to the other side of the store. They of course, ended up near the pornos and the wide assortment of sex toys, while we were knee deep in leather, satin and lace.

Alice must have touched, moved and unfolded every single pair of size small panties in the store, to the utmost irritation of the snippety, albeit slutty salesgirls dressed in way too tight, way too revealing outfits, that our boys couldn't seem to stop stealing glances at.

_Yes girls, extreme camel toe is totally the way to grab a man's attention. Your father's must be extraordinarily proud._

Finally, Alice settled on black lace, with a strapless push up bra to match, while I bought a red lace thong and a matching strapless bra just for the hell of it. Not like anyone would see it but me. I saw a ton of things that I liked, and would love to wear for Edward, but given our situation, I just didn't think it would be fair to flaunt anything overtly sexy in front of him.

While we shopped, we noticed that the boys had made purchases at the cash register, much to the curiosity of Alice and I. Jasper and Edward left their credit cards at the register for the sales girl to ring up our respective purchases on, which I thought was not only very thoughtful, but romantic as well. Once we paid for our undies, it occurred to me if Esmom opened and paid their bills and if she would question the charges. Hopefully she wouldn't think they were into cross dressing.

We grabbed our bags and found the boys by the porn again.

"Hairy Porker and the Order of the Penis?" I asked, curiously peeping over Edward's shoulder at the DVD title in his hand. He chuckled, placing it back on the shelf next to Horny Pooter and the Chamber of Secretions. "Classy. I don't even want to know where he sticks his wand," I remarked, rolling my eyes at the massive wall covered in plastic cases with giant breasts on the covers.

Edward gave me a pointed look and then smirked. "Hey, it's better than Cum Guzzling Sorority Sisters 3."

"Well, I assume it wouldn't make much sense if you hadn't seen Cum Guzzling Sorority Sisters 1 and 2," I replied sarcastically. "Do you really like this stuff?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders shyly, pulling out a DVD of IndieAnal Boner and the Temple of Poon. "I don't know, I mean… it serves its purpose, I guess." He fidgeted with his shopping bag a bit and then asked, "Have you ever watched any of this stuff?"

"Um… I've only seen bits of what's on late night cable and well once…" I turned away from Edward completely embarrassed and just a little turned on.

"Once what, B? Tell me," he whispered with a slight chuckle into my ear from behind.

I whimpered a little at the feeling of the warmth of his breath on my neck and what that did to my insides. "Um, well…a few weeks ago, Rose and I watched this video on the internet…" I shook my head at the memory of the girl getting a string of these big black beads shoved up her butt after she had been fucked in every orifice in her body. "It was really graphic and sort of weird and well, I think Rose was sort of using it as um… research."

Edward's eyes widened. "Okay, stop talking… I do not want to know." He muttered something about his fucking nasty ass brother being a closet perv.

"Sorry," I chuckled softly. "So what did you buy?" I asked, craning my neck to peer into his bag.

He shoved the sides together, effectively shutting me out of view. "None of your business, nosey girl."

"Everything you do is my business, Edward. Is it a DVD, dirty pigboy?"

A smirk feathered at the corner of his mouth. "Nope, and I'm not a pigboy, just a man with needs," he retorted holding his head up proudly.

Jasper snickered from across the room, obviously having heard our conversation. "Yeah, a man who needs to get laid by something other than his own hand."

"Shut the fuck up dickhead," Edward called back, rolling his eyes.

"Fine, be that way. I'll just have to show you what I bought, which by the way…you won't ever see me wearing…" And I dropped my bag on the floor, crouching as I pulled out the red lace thong displaying it in my hands with a snarky grin. It had satin little bows on each of the hips…sooo pretty. What a waste.

Edward hissed through his teeth, crouching beside me.

He whispered, "I bought a vibrator, okay?" His green eyes met mine, mischievous and smoldering.

"Ewwww, for you?"

He clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth. "No, it's for you, baby."

_For me? For me? For Me!_

"Really?" I asked aghast. I lowered my voice to a low whisper. "Wait…is it a… dildo? Because, I don't think…"

"No, it's not a dil…here look," he said, pulling the package out of the bag to show me. "I was going to surprise you later, but…" The clear package contained a little purple plastic vibrator that resembled the shape of a finger. It came with five different accessory heads, and one of them looked like a bunny. It even had a remote control.

_It was a vibrator…that Edward was planning to surprise me with…later._

"It slips over my finger and you put on whatever attachment you want. I think each one has a different purpose, but we can try them all out to see what you like best, and…if you wear the red thong for me then… what, no good?" he asked, looking dejected. "I thought you would like this."

_Waaaaaaaaaaiiittttt just a second…Holy fucking shit...he wants to use it on me!_

I almost mounted him right there in the store, like a Schnauzer in heat. "Oh...I do…totally. I just…I'm surprised that you…want to do that...to me." I stumbled over the words because the idea of Edward doing anything remotely sexual to me was muddling all cohesive thoughts around my brain.

I smiled sheepishly. "Maybe we won't even make it to the show."

He smirked, tossing the vibrator back inside his bag. "Uh, no, we're going to the show…those tickets were nearly impossible to get and I spent a fucking fortune on the table. But we have the whole night afterward and hotel checkout isn't until eleven so…" I felt myself blush and my girlie bits seep in warmth at the thought of another orgasm, this time by Edward's own fingers…sort of. He smirked, knowing exactly what he had done to me, while motioning for us to continue walking. We strolled along the store, stopping in front of The Wall Of Artificial Poonany.

"I feel like we should get you something too," I said, pointing to one of the many assorted rubber vaginas. "How bout a pocket pussy?" I tucked my chin into my neck, as I held onto my bag laughing my ass off at the disgusting imitation twats that were created for the sole purpose of getting off sans female partner.

Edward stifled a snort and then busted out laughing. "Jasper said the same fucking thing. I just can't imagine putting my dick into a silicone pussy, it's just so…desperate. I'm not quite there yet, thank you."

"Oooh, there's even one that's just a mouth." I cocked my head to the side admiring the realistic lips and the little tongue that protruded out of the sleeve. "Do they really fit in your pocket? And do dudes just walk around with them and whip them out when they get randy?" I asked, half serious.

"Okay, let's go," Edward huffed, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Why? I'm having fun," I said, protesting our departure. "What…you don't like plastic bacon caves? Rubber bologna drapes? Pink velvet sausage wallets?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, pointing to the door with great force. I giggled, turning to leave when I realized he wasn't behind me.

"B? You wouldn't want to try one of these?" he asked softly, nodding his head to the many packages of penis shaped dildos. His expression was a mix of curious and hopeful.

I walked back over cocking my head to the side. It was amazing to me that there were so many varieties. I mean, simply giving a cursory glance, I could estimate at least a few hundred different styles, sizes and colors and shapes…and that wasn't even counting the ones that were specifically designed for anal play.

"Honestly? I've thought about it, but only recently because…well, because I'm so horny all the time and I can't…_do_ anything about it. Rose said I should get one and that it would completely change my life, but…" I stopped, feeling suddenly very vulnerable and incredibly virginal.

He quirked his head trying to meet my gaze. His nose almost touched mine. "But what, Love?"

My breath hitched a bit and after I picked my gooey self off the floor, I replied, "Well, I sort of want the first _thing_ inside of me…to be you." My eyes darted away from his, pausing momentarily on his denim covered crotch and then back to his eyes.

Edward reached his hand out tentatively, fingering one of the buttons on my coat. "I love you," he whispered reverently, his voice soft and almost nostalgic.

"I love you too, E. I really, really do."

We browsed the store a bit more, talking and laughing until we came upon something that would just possibly change my life as Rosalie had assured. After agreeing on the purchase, Edward and I quietly argued over who would bring it up to the register. Finally, I manned up, taking the package from him along with his credit card because he insisted on paying for the item, and was surprisingly impressed at the cashier's ability to hold a straight face. I suppose in that line of work, if you were to see this crazy stuff everyday, it was bound to become awfully mundane. Even the weird shit.

**~%~**

The four of us walked back to the hotel, Alice and Jasper in front of us, hand in hand while giving each other frequent adoring gazes and nose nuzzles and groping hugs at every damn intersection. As annoying as they were, it really was endearing to witness how much Jasper obviously cared for her. Just a little over a month ago, he was calling her names and getting annoyed at her, and now he looked at her as if she was the only woman on earth. Overall, he seemed nicer, less of a douche and not as antagonistic with Edward as he usually was.

Love fucks you up, I guess…and makes you better in some cases.

"Ugh, promise me, we won't be like them," I groaned, as Jasper laced his fingers with hers, kissing the back of her hand.

Edward chuckled. "B…if I have my way then we're gonna be ten times worse, so you might want to learn to deal with it now."

Edward and I ran into a cute little gourmet sandwich shop, grabbing grilled panini's and chips to bring upstairs. We only had a few hours to shower and head over to the club before the show started, so an elaborate dinner wasn't really reasonable. As we departed the elevator with all of our purchases from the day in hand, we said our goodbyes to Alice and Jasper at their door.

I hugged her tightly and whispered for her to text me when she could to see how things were going...or how they went. Edward and Jasper did that half hug half back pat thing as they departed, and Jasper whispered something into Edward's ear which made him actually smirk and blush.

He and I ate our sandwiches in front of the television, and then we smoked cigarettes on the tiny balcony. It was unbearably cold outside tonight for whatever reason, though the sky was clear and we could see a smattering of stars peppered in the blackness.

Seattle's skyline was absolutely beautiful. We could see the Space Needle and all of the tremendous office buildings still lit up, along with the bustle of the streets below. I began to wonder about all the people walking the sidewalks down below us…where were they going and what they were doing and if any of them were dealing with non- touching restraining orders, because I would very much like to have a conversation with someone who had some experience in that area.

Edward blew a smoke ring up into the air, the extension of his neck and tautness of his jaw sending shockwaves through my crotch. Then his eyes suddenly drifted down, fixating on my chest. Apparently, my nipples were hard from the outdoor chill, appearing pert and obvious through my thin pink top. I crossed my arms, hiding my erect nips with a smirk, much to Edward's dismay.

"Oh, why'd you do that? Lemme see. They're so pretty, and they are standing up saying hello to me...Hello Edward...Hello Edward..." he said with a chuckle, repeatedly pressing his pointer fingers and thumbs together in a pinching gesture.

I scowled, uncrossing my arms and playfully pushed out my chest. Edward smirked happily, taking another drag of his cigarette. "Better?"

"Much," he snickered. "You have great tits, B. And they are so… friendly," he smirked, waggling his eyebrows.

"Thanks, man. They really are such funny little things, aren't they?" I asked, gazing down at my chest. Edward's breath hitched and he sighed softly, never breaking his eye contact with my tits. "All you need is some cold air…or a light touch… a simple word, and they respond so nicely." I ran my thumbs over the bumps teasing him relentlessly. One peek at growing bulge in his crotch and I knew he was aroused.

So predictable. His traitorous man muscle was making this too easy.

"B…stop, please. We really don't have time for this," he pleaded. "Why don't you go shower first, because something tells me by the extraordinary amount of clothes you brought for an overnight trip, that we might be here for a while."

I shrugged my shoulders, snuffing my cigarette out on the concrete, knowing he was absolutely right about that. I had six outfit choices for tonight, and not a clue as to which one I would wear. After shampooing, showering and shaving everything important, I brushed my teeth and then wrapped myself in a towel while letting the steam escape from the bathroom. Edward was lying on the bed with his long legs crossed in front of him, the television on low as he napped.

I loved watching him sleep. He always looked so sweet and little boyish. As I crossed the room toward my overnight bag, I detected the faint scent of my perfume in the air before I noticed the tube of my lotion on the bed next to him. It occurred to me that he had taken care of himself while I was in the shower. I narrowed my eyes at my sleeping beauty. Selfish fucker...he could have at least let me watch...

"Edward!"

He jumped up startled, wiping a hand over his face and blinking his eyes. "Fuck…what's the matter, baby?"

"How often do you masturbate?" I asked, sitting on the bed next to him.

He rubbed his eyes, and laid back down into the pillows chuckling. "At least once a day, but usually twice. Sometimes even three, depending on what you are wearing that day, if it's provocative."

"Three times a day, Jesus. Do you think when we start…_doing it_, we'll do it three times a day?"

Edward grinned, folding his hands behind his head. "God, I hope so. That's if you can take all of me that many times. You might have trouble walking the next day."

I smacked his arm with my hairbrush and muttered, "Pig." However, in reality, I was in total agreement with him. And I knew damn well I wouldn't mind being carried around until I could walk on my own again. I might have to invest in a wheelchair or a walker maybe. Hell, even a cane would suffice…

Edward asked what time it was, sitting up and sliding off the bed. He pulled out a few shirts and some jeans from the closet which I hadn't even noticed he'd hung up when we arrived. Of course, they were wrinkled from being in his bag and that was entirely unacceptable.

Still on the bed in my towel, I brushed my hair, watching with enjoyment as he hauled out the huge ironing board and preheated the hotel iron. He smirked at me, ignoring my amused expression at his domesticity/ OCD while I rubbed my lotion on my legs.

Once he began to iron, I laughed and said, "You are so manly, E." God, he was sexy. Now I understood when my mom meant when she said nothing was sexier than a man doing housework...

He flexed the bicep of the arm that was pressing the iron into his jeans, giving me a masculine grunt for effect. So fucking cute. I put on makeup and blow-dried my hair while he finished de-wrinkling two pairs of jeans and three shirts.

Once Edward got into the shower, I dressed in outfit option number one, sauntering into the bathroom announcing, "Fashion show!"

He slid open the curtain enough to peek his head out to see what the hell I was talking about. He smiled as I turned around. "Burn it into your brain, cause there five more and I don't want to have to retry on each one. This is important, so pay attention." Edward saluted me with his hand to his temple before I left for outfit number two.

As I strolled in wearing outfit number four, Edward pulled back the curtain again, revealing a good portion of his wet ass. I stared at his beautiful buns, perfect and squeezable and just yum…for longer than I should have as he cleared his throat. It tickled me that he didn't get annoyed with my girlie habits as was the fact that he was cooperative and actually enthusiastic while giving me creative criticism as I paraded around in my choices. I knew by then according to his various expressions what he liked best, but I really enjoyed getting glances of a wet and naked Edward.

He chose sparkly silver off the shoulder top number four paired with dark skinny jeans from number two, complimented by gray suede ankle boots from bathroom runway number three. He said it was sexy yet classy while making me look the age that my fake license said I was.

And I wondered why people thought he was gay. My boyfriend loved to shop, ironed like June Cleaver on meth and steroids, manscaped like a drag queen, dressed me without complaint and knew exactly who Jimmy Choo and Manolo Blahnick were. All the reasons why I loved him.

By the time he emerged from the bathroom clad in only in a tiny towel, I was ready to go, laying back on the bed playing with my new vibrator.

_Not literally._

He dropped his towel right in front of me, exposing his perfect bitable ass again on purpose, and then casually dressed in jeans as though he had done nothing to rile me up. He slid his fitted black tee over his wet head and I watched in sadness as the dark fabric patterned with swirlie, almost tattoo- like designs covered up his perfect torso.

My body was on overload, feeling every ounce of estrogen surge straight to my girlie region. I didn't think it was wise to continue like this… him dressing in front of me and precariously tempting my libido into acting on its natural desires. I sucked it up, smoked another cigarette on the balcony while he fiddled with his hair for like an hour. Finally, we grabbed a cab heading toward the club.

I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea what would happen if they were to deem my ID a fake and then having to endure the immense humiliation of being laughed at and consequently tossed out onto the street because I was just a kid. It would be too much embarrassment to bear.

The immense building was glowing in white, edged with artificial palm trees and chrome accents that made me think of Miami. I could hear the bass thumping from the inside, giving the brick and mortar building almost its own heartbeat. The line of scantily dressed people waiting in the cold to get inside was literally down the block and I shivered at the thought of having to stand out there, yet thankful it wasn't raining.

Edward made his way around and opened the cab door for me. "Just follow me, Beautiful, okay?" he whispered, as his long legs made a beeline straight for the bouncer at the door. Trailing closely behind, I watched in awe at his audacity, but he simply said his name and the man flipped through some papers on his clipboard, nodding for us to head on in. Edward stepped aside and let me go in first. Always the gentleman. Needless to say, I was thoroughly impressed.

Another man with huge arms and a barrel for a chest checked both of our licenses under an infrared scanner while I needlessly fidgeted with the contents inside my sparkly purse and quietly trembled in fear. I was afraid to make eye contact with him for fear he oust me, but he just smiled, muttering something to Edward that I couldn't hear.

Edward chuckled softly, uttering, "Thanks, man."

"What was that about?" I asked, slipping off my coat, and handing it to Edward's waiting hand.

"He said something um…very complimentary about you. If he wasn't so big I would have fucking punched him, but he was right so I let it go…"

We checked our coats and then, as if I weren't stunned enough, a tiny girl in a tight black dress with hair cropped in a really cute angled bob that I thought Alice would look great in, took our tickets motioning for us to follow her. She escorted us through the club up a small flight of stairs to a sort of balcony dotted with couches and small cocktail tables. She pulled the _Reserved for the Cullen_ _party_ sign off the table,slid the lit candle into the center, and motioned for us to be seated.

"Do you mind if I keep that?" he asked the girl, motioning for her to give the little reserved sign. I gave him a questioning glance, while he slipped the paper into his back pocket.

Edward chuckled and smiled sheepishly, while I just blinked at him. "I'll have a Johnny Walker Black and Seven with a twist and… a chocolate martini?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow at me. I nodded emphatically, while the girl smiled and disappeared into the crowd. The whole thing, from exiting the cab to the drink orders was handled by a completely smooth, confident and skilled Edward that I had yet to meet. I was so turned on and impressed I could barely contain my pussy. I imagine if I had unzipped my pants and let it loose… it would resemble that thing from the movie, Alien, clinging on to Edward's face with a vengeance, unwilling to let go.

I leaned forward placing my palms on the table. "When the fuck did you become a thirty year old man? Seriously, E...how did you know how to do all this? You walked in here like you've done it a million times. You're like…suave."

Edward sat back into his chair, puffing his chest out as he gave me a knowing look. "I'm more skilled than I let anyone see," he said confidently.

"Apparently. I feel like I don't even know who you are right now."

He scowled, leaning his hands on the table. "Bella, I was raised in Chicago…I have been on vacation to exotic places since I was five years old. Believe it or not, my dad is pretty smooth. He taught me how to slip a bill into a maitre d's hand to get a good table when I was seven. I have been in casinos and bars and top of the line restaurants since my mom married Carlisle. I'm telling you, I pay attention to this shit. There is life outside of Forks, you know. My mom says she sees a lot of Edward's charm or whatever in me too, which I kind of resent, but if that's what I inherited from him, then I can't really complain about it." He fiddled with the glass candle holder for a minute before looking up at me.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" he said, leaning forward while resting his elbows on the table. "The bouncer was right… I am a lucky mother fucker."

I felt my ears grow hot, as I blushed a bit, smiling at him shyly. Before I could utter a word of gratitude, the waitress brought our drinks, placing them on the table while Edward slipped two twenties on her tray and thanked her with a warm smile. The club down below was packed wall to wall with people, leaving absolutely no room to move. Up in the VIP section, the crowd was relaxing comfortably in their seats, enjoying their overly priced drinks and equally expensive reserved tables.

I had to admit, that I liked being treated like this. It made me feel special and important, and what was even better was that since the female crowd was over twenty one, the table wasn't attained because of his restrictions, it was done entirely to impress me. He did this for us, simply so we could enjoy the concert together without the hassles of anyone bothering us.

I took a sip of my drink, wincing as the high alcohol content burned my throat, but licking my lips at the delicious taste. I had never had a martini before, never mind a chocolate one, and I discovered that it was damn good. It also made me feel sophisticated and glamorous, not like the sixteen year old from a shitty little logging town in Washington that I actually was.

I leaned over the table, bringing the glass to Edward's lips. He took a sip, hummed that it was good, and offered me a sip of his scotch concoction which I almost choked on as it went down. Awful stuff. How the hell he enjoyed this was beyond me.

A few minutes later, the lights dimmed as the wailing guitar chords of the band shrieked behind a dark stage curtain. With a loud introduction, a tall girl with crazy red waves on her head and a purple cat suit came on stage screaming, "The moment you've all been waiting for has come. Ladies and gentlemen…New Moon!" We abruptly stood from our seats, leaning against the railing as the curtain opened and the band jammed out their first tune.

As the night wore on, and my second martini went down much smoother than the first. With so much love and admiration, I watched Edward next to me. He was bobbing his head to the music, tapping his fingers on the railing in tune with the piano, which I thought was very cool. Every now and then, he'd look over at me to flash a brilliant smile that he knew damn well was making my knees buckle every time.

At one point, he came behind me, placing his hands on the rail on either side of my own…whispering, "You are so fucking beautiful and I love watching the way your body moves."

_Holy fucking shit._

Two more drinks came and I was definitely feeling warm and fuzzy and slightly unsteady on my three inch heels. By the end of the song, the lead singer announced the band would be taking a short break. Strobe lights made their way onto the dance floor brightening up the atmosphere, while some crazy techno music blared out from the DJ booth. If I didn't have to pee so damn badly, I would have been down there dancing.

Edward was practically in tears when I told him I was going to the bathroom. He hated the idea of me having to make my way through the crowd unescorted, but I couldn't possibly even ask him to attempt the trek just to wait with me on the ridiculously long line. I brought my phone and said I would call him if I got into any trouble. _Silly boy._

I started down the stairs, muttering, "excuse me," every four seconds until I decided that being polite would get me absolutely nowhere. Then I started to just push my way through the mass of people, my bladder ready to explode. While waiting a good fifteen minutes in line, I leaned against the wall, staring up at Edward across the club, watching him as he played with the candle, fiddled with his phone, and then got bored all together just looking around. I saw him stand and lean over the railing, appearing as though he was yelling at someone, but the ladies room line surged forward, blocking him from view.

I used the toilet quickly, reapplying some lip gloss and fluffing out my hair before I picked up my phone thinking it was Edward. I smiled when I saw it was from Alice.

_**OMG OMG OMG! It was fucking A-MA-ZING! Hope U R having fun C U 2 Morrow-Ali**_

As I navigated my way through the crowd once again, I caught a glimpse of Edward, still up at the table. I froze dead in my spot, getting bumped and yelled at by the people behind me having halted their movement. But I couldn't really hear anything over the cacophony of music and voices and the hollow numbness that was whooshing behind my ears. And I didn't fucking care because my focus was entirely elsewhere. It was on Edward, who was no longer alone, but surrounded by two blondes and a brunette.

_And they were fucking touching him._

One of the blondes had her arms thrown around his neck and it looked as though she was whispering something to him. Edward's hands had been placed on her waist gently, before he pulled away to kiss the other blonde on the cheek. The brunette reached out her hand to him which he shook in his own, flashing her his panty melting smile. And my stomach churned with vile acid, chocolate martini and jealous rage at the sight of the whole thing. Those three girls had been more intimate with Edward in two seconds than I had been in three months…and it was fucked up that Edward was allowing this to occur.

I literally felt bile rise up in my throat, seeing him interact with these girls, that not only did he obviously know, but by the way he had touched them without hesitation, there were not minors. It occurred to me that my heart was beating so rapidly, that I hadn't taken a breath or moved an inch since I had spotted him engaged with the girls. It certainly wasn't like me to be jealous before, but I think the feelings of possession were mainly due to the fact that I couldn't touch my own fucking boyfriend, but whoever the hell these girls were obviously could, because Edward was smiling and laughing and he was doing not a thing to stop them. I was literally stunned by all of this…the way Edward was with them…chatting and laughing, calm, confident, controlled.

Who the fuck was he all of a sudden? Where did my boyfriend go? I may have like the earlier confident Edward…but this one? Hell no, I didn't like this one at fucking all.

He leaned against the railing, with one foot hitched up behind him, his hand gripping his refreshed drink, and his other hand wrapped around the banister. I finally found my bearings, forcing my way through the dance floor to the stairs in a heated fury. I knew I shouldn't be acting this way, that I had no right, but I couldn't control the irritation I felt at seeing him with these girls. It was just so fucking unfair.

I leaned against a huge white column at the top of the stairs, a decent distance away from them, just trying to calm down a bit before I approached. One of the blondes held her phone out, and Edward leaned his head against hers while she shot a picture of the two of them …as if they were a fucking cozy little couple or something.

I saw Edward turn outward toward the dance floor, shielding his eyes from the strobes. He was looking for me. When he turned around, he slipped out his phone, the blue light of the screen illuminating his face and a few seconds later, I felt my cell vibrate in my purse.

_**Where R U?**_

I wrote back:

_**Watching you get molested by 3 whores.**_

His face fell as he looked up, immediately meeting my gaze. He said something to the girls as he brushed past them, walking down the aisle toward me. I pushed off the column with my foot, slowly strolling toward Edward and our now extremely overcrowded table.

I was buzzed, highly irritated and didn't really have a clue as to what to do, and pissed at myself and at Edward because it was my fucking table and I suddenly felt as though I was intruding on a private party. I stood there, both hands in my back pockets with my hip jutted to the side awkwardly waiting for Edward to reach me.

"What's going on, Baby?" he said, slightly slurred. His hands fidgeted at his sides, and he shoved them in his pockets to keep them under control. I knew he wanted to touch me.

I nodded to the table. "Who are they?" I asked, grimacing at the way my voice cracked on the verge of tears. The air felt as though it was as thick as oil in my lungs as they burned with ferocity.

"Um…that's um…Irina and Tanya and um…Tia, I think she said her name was, I can't remember. You know, my parents friends…daughters." Edward smiled timidly, pressing his lip together. His eyes were glassy and slightly bloodshot, indicating that he was well on his way to being drunk.

"Come on…I'll introduce you," he said, waving his hand for me to follow him.

I inhaled deeply, feeling my blood boil under my skin. I knew exactly who the fuck they were.

"Tanya…the girl you lost your virginity to? No thanks, I'd rather not_." I would like to however, gut her like a fucking fish._

His eyebrows knitted together, all puzzled and confused as to why I wouldn't want to be formerly introduced to the girl he stuck his dick inside of. Was he fucking kidding?

"What's the problem? Oh come on, Beautiful, don't be like that. They're just friends…please, come meet them." His eyes pleaded with me and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't tell him no. Reluctantly, I followed Edward back to our table, where both blondes were sitting comfortably in our seats. I quickly noticed that someone had pushed my half full Martini glass towards the edge of our table in almost a silent cue to the waitress that it wouldn't be needed anymore this evening.

Glancing at the three gorgeous, totally put together girls, I silently was immeasurably grateful that I had put on lip-gloss and bothered making sure I looked decent while I was in the bathroom, because the least thing I wanted to do was meet the ex when I looked like shit.

"This is my girlfriend, Bella," he said cheerfully, as all eyes turned to me. "Love, this is Tanya," he pointed to one of the blondes, who with a quick glance, was obviously a twin to the other blonde. I had to say…they were both drop dead gorgeous and it pissed me off. She extended her hand to me as she stood, giving me the dead fish handshake...just barely touching my fingers, as she towered over me in her black stiletto boots.

"Hi, it's nice to finally meet you," I said warmly, for Edward's sake. She didn't respond.

Edward continued, "This is Irina, and …"

"Tia," the brunette clarified, reaching her hand out to meet mine. Irina did the same, and then she stood, sort of wedging herself between Edward and I as the waitress came over with a tray full of drinks. I noticed there wasn't a replacement for mine as the waitress picked up my half empty glass carrying it off with her.

"So I guess they're sitting with us now, and I'm done with my drink apparently," I mumbled to no one, completely annoyed. I tried to make conversation with Irina, while Tanya talked with Edward, but she pulled out her phone in the middle of my sex shop story, seeming to not care one damn bit. I stood there waiting for her to finish texting on her phone, but grew tired of her rudeness. Edward's attention was completely enraptured by whatever the hell Tanya and Tia were saying to him. I tried to join the conversation, edging my way inside their gathering, but it was if they were deliberately trying to exclude me. A few times I tried to chime into the discussion but it was ineffective. None of them made any attempt to make conversation with me or even take an interest.

I felt stupid, and young and completely out of my element.

Feeling wholly unwelcome in their circle, or quad as it may have been, I moved over to the railing, watching the chaotic mess of a dance floor pump and throb underneath me, wishing I was down there instead of up here with the whores. I turned around briefly, spying Edward throw more cash on the server's tray for yet another round of drinks and then turned back around to the dance floor rolling my eyes.

A minute later, the strobe lights ceased as did the music and once the huge room was dark, New Moon came back on to the stage. Edward moved next to me, with Tanya and the other girls following on her side. They whistled and screamed for the band, making a scene and embarrassing me.

Edward handed me a fresh martini from the table, whispering, "I love you," in my ear. I smiled meekly, whispering it back, before I turned to the show again, taking a huge gulp of my drink. By the end of the next song, the martini glass was empty, my head was spinning, and my legs were swaying underneath me. Every so often, Tanya would lean up to whisper something in his ear, while her hand grazed his shoulder, or she would playfully squeeze his arm in excitement. One time, Tanya's fingernails massaged the hair at the nape of his neck…the fucking audacity of that bitch.

Edward would just laugh at Tanya or occasionally offer her a genuine smile. I glared at her, narrowing my eyes as she leaned forward against the rail, making eye contact with me. Maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that my head was gearing up to unleash a jealous fit of rage on the bitch, but I swear that she smirked at me.

It was pissing me the fuck off and I had endured enough.

I slid my hand along the silver railing, walking my fingers over to the top of his hand where I laced my fingers with his. Edward pulled his hand away abruptly, looking at me like I was fucking insane for even attempting such a thing, while shaking his head at me disapprovingly.

I stood up on the balls of my feet, whispering in Edward's ear. "Hey E?" I said, feeling my words slurring slightly, but not having the control to fix it or the propensity enough to give a shit. "If she fucking touches you again, I am going to punch her in her fucking ugly cock sucking mouth."

I regretted the incensed words a smidgen the instant they came rolling off my tongue and Edward's eyes grew wide with I don't know what.

"Uh…maybe you should call it a night, Baby. You are definitely drunk and more than a little hostile and as much as I might enjoy it, I don't feel like breaking up a cat fight right now."

His harsh actions and his subsequent wounding words cut me deep….a knife twisting and turning through my heart severing all that was left of my temper and my pride.

"If that's what makes you happy, E…I'll go," I replied, forcing back tears that were just waiting to emerge. "You can stay here with your harem of whores and let them caress you all over. I don't want to ruin that experience for you, being underage and all." I spun around, grabbing my purse off the table, muttering, "Bye girls…lovely meeting you," as I sauntered my way to the stair case. No one responded or payed attention to my departure for that matter.

My fingers gripped the railing as my feet scrambled underneath me, buckling under my drunkenness and shoes that were way too high for a tiny drunk girl to walk reasonably straight in. A guy passing me on the stairs caught my waist, helping me up. I regained my balance, charging forward through the crowd like an angry bull, never once looking behind me for Edward, who I assumed hadn't bothered to follow me.

Once I got outside, I was disoriented and feeling queasy from the adrenaline rush and the sudden burst of cold air on my heated skin. I looked for a cab, but my vision was blurry and I couldn't focus well on anything particular. Three guys standing outside of the club said something lewd to me, remarking on my ass, but I ignored their comments and tried not to cry as the realization of the situation hit me. I was alone and drunk and cold and alone…and alone.

"Are you okay?" Some older girls asked me genuinely concerned, as I curled my arms around my knees on the steps of a nearby apartment building. I nodded my head, asking to bum a cigarette. They handed me one already lit and I took a drag feeling so much better but not better at all. My hand shook as I smoked the cigarette, while anxiety churned below the surface... heart beats erratic and rapid in my chest, throat tight and God, not now…

I wiped a tear from my cheek with the back of my hand, feeling stupid and angry and jealous and then furious at Edward.

How could he let her touch him like that in front of me, knowing how I felt? It was blatant disregard for my feelings, and part of me wondered if he enjoyed the way she had her hands on him. Not that it was sexual in any way that I saw, but I thought that considering I couldn't hold my own boyfriend's hand, that she should have been a little less obvious about the fact that she could. Then I wondered if Tanya was the type of girl that got off on making another man's girl jealous.

I was so fucking cold…shaking on the steps, waiting for the first sign of a cab to pull up. I thought for a second about calling Alice but I didn't want to interrupt her and Jasper. In the distance, the faint sound of my name being called offered me comfort and irritation, as I wanted Edward to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything was okay…but at the same time I just wanted to be left the hell alone. With my head down between my knees and shaking, I suddenly felt my coat being draped over my shoulders, still warm from being inside the steamy club. I looked up to see Edward's bloodshot eyes staring at me.

"Jesus fuck, Bella! What the hell is wrong with you?" Edward's tone was laced simultaneously with relief and utter frustration. Taking another drag of the cigarette, I felt my body rock a little against the freezing cement underneath me. He crouched down to my eye level, placing his hands on the stairs next to my legs. I looked away from him, not able to stand the sight of his face.

"Just leave me alone, Edward. Go back inside to Tanya. You were having such a good time with them…I can't bear to see your night ruined because of me."

"You are insane, you know that?" he said with disbelief. "Bella, she means nothing to me. Those girls are just old friends…why are you being like this?" he said practically begging for an explanation. The thing that killed me was that he really had no idea…he didn't even know what his actions, or the fact that he allowed _her_ to touch him had done to me.

I stood up, tossing the cigarette on the ground, snaking my arms through the sleeves of my coat. "I understand that she is 18 and she can hug and kiss you but, really…do you have to have to rub my face in it? Do you have any idea how shitty that made me feel to see those girls all over you…especially Tanya, a girl who you fucked…and then when I went to touch your hand, you pulled away? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" My fist swiped away dark mascara laden rogue tears that completely making me resemble a crack whore.

"Christ, Bella, no… I didn't. I'm sorry. I pulled away not because I didn't want you to hold my hand… because I don't want to go to jail, okay? God…" he paced the sidewalk, gripping his forehead in his hand. "The reason…" Edward lowered his voice to a smidge above a whisper and turned to face me.

"The reason I stopped touching you these last few weeks, is because when I got your ID from my buddy in Chicago, he told me one of the guys who had a sentence similar to mine was forced to serve house arrest for two fucking years, just for kissing his girl- and the girl… she had to do like 50 fucking hours of community service for willingly allowing it. Is that what you want?"

"Yes, Edward…that's what I want," I snapped, my tone seeping with sarcasm. "I would love all of that to happen. In would love you to go to jail for kissing me." I rolled my eyes, stepping down to the sidewalk. Even in my heels, Edward towered over me. "It's not the point."

"What the fuck is the point then?"

I huffed, sniffing. "The point is that she was all over you and you didn't stop it. You didn't for one second stop to think about _my_ fucking feelings while her fingers were massaging the back of your head, or her hand was squeezing your arm… and you didn't even flinch away from her once. You are always flinching away from me, E…always."

That's when the tone of the conversation shifted from me being the victim, to Edward being furious with me.

"Well fuck…I'm sorry if I was being a little inconsiderate of your feelings, Bella but did you ever think that for ten fucking minutes inside that club, I was able to feel like a normal guy without having to flinch or push anyone away? They are over eighteen, legally…I don't have to stay away from them."

_Really? Fucking Really?_

With my jaw clenched I spat, "Is that what you need to feel normal? Sluts hanging all over you?" Digging into my little purse, I whipped out my fake license and flicked it at his head. He blinked and ducked before it hit him, obviously proving his stealthy reflexes against me were still as astute when he had been drinking.

"This says I'm fucking twenty one, Edward. But it didn't seem to make a fucking difference to you tonight, did it?" He bent down to the sidewalk, stuffing the ID into his back pocket with an agitated huff. I shook my head at him, seething as I walked away.

He followed, gritting his teeth. "You know it doesn't work like that, Bella."

Stopping short in my tracks, I hissed, "So maybe this doesn't work…" I passed my hand between our bodies. "Maybe _we_ don't work. Maybe it's time that you get yourself an older girlfriend that you can touch and fuck and kiss in public when ever you want to. I'm sure Tanya would be happy to fill that position and she definitely she looks like she's pretty experienced with positions…Because it seems as though I do nothing but drag you down and hinder...your…your free spirit." I flailed my hand in the air imitating a flying bird, because at the time it seemed appropriate.

He made a face that showed he was completely at wits end with me. "Just stop it. You know I don't think of you that way. I love you and…"

I rolled my eyes at the words scowling at him. "You love me? Really? That's such bullshit, because it certainly didn't seem that way tonight, Edward. How would you like it if I went and…" Before I could get out the rest of my rant, Edward's hands were on either side of my face, pushing me back into the wall with the force of his body. I felt him pressed against me, his solid weight and the warmth seeping through his shirt and the smell of his cologne and scotch drowning me.

His thumbs splayed against my jaw while his mouth crashed into mine, nipping and biting roughly at my lips. It took me by such surprise that I didn't have a clue as to how to react properly because all the pent up anger and fear and repressed lust overshadowed everything else.

Our teeth clanked together nosily as Edward devoured my mouth in his and I couldn't focus on one particular thing as I was completely overwhelmed by the contact and my drunkenness and the adrenaline still charging every cell of my skin….and his tongue…warm and wet in my mouth.

It was a myriad of scents and emotions and sounds and touches…touches that accompanied our labored breathing and the sound of panting and wet sloppy smacking noises and car horns in traffic and people passing by… and someone muttered for us to get a room and …then the feel of his hardness against my stomach, and then his fingers wrapped around my knee, grunting as he hitched my leg up to his hip as he rubbed his dick into my crotch with force creating this beautiful friction that I didn't even think existed. I moaned and gasped at the same time, my fingers tangled in his hair and on his face and then under his shirt trailing up the silky skin of his bare back and across the planes of his abs… just a little lower and I would touch _him._

"Is this what you want?" he asked through angry gritted teeth panting the words, as his mouth moved to my neck, kissing and sucking and biting me there and it hurt some but it felt so damn good and then I whispered, "Yes," and the vibrations of his moan against my lips made me wet.

"I want you so fucking bad, so fucking bad," he said in a pained voice, almost angrily, with a carnal hunger and a ferocity that I had yet to experience from him or anyone else for that matter.

Then his fingers… his long beautiful fingers were under my shirt and slipping inside the lacy fabric of my new bra and his thumb fanned against my taut nipple and I arched my back into him, smacking my head on the brick wall behind me and I said, "Oh God, Edward, I want you too…"

_Please don't ever stop…_

Edward's face was buried in my neck, teeth pinching skin and wet and heat and then a few staring faces as they passed us and it hit me as though I had walked head on into a brick wall.

"Edward, stop…stop…we can't do this here…" I begged, pushing him off me, not because I wanted him to discontinue ravaging me at all, but because the repercussions of doing this in a public place were too terrifying for me to comprehend dealing with if we got caught.

Edward staggered back a foot or so, wiping the moisture away from his mouth with the back of his hand, and glared at me. His chest heaved through his open coat and I could see a vein in his neck throbbing with his quickened pulse.

"Do you want to know how much I fucking love you? I'd go to jail for you, Bella. That's how much." _He was angry with me…so angry._

I stood shaking with fear and excitement and overwhelming lust as the memory of his warm fingertips trailed over my skin and his mouth on my neck and then I realized that it was true- that Edward would risk going to jail for me, to give me a simple kiss.

"No…no, I don't want that…"

The mere thought of that commitment made me double over and heave until I was vomiting all over the sidewalk. Edward crouched next to me, trying to shield the disgusting and embarrassing display from view, but it didn't even matter at that point.

He whistled for a cab as one finally passed by, and he held the door as I scooted into the open car leaning my head against the cool windshield, silent tears leaking from my eyes. Edward told the driver where to go and then asked him if he had a clean napkin or something. He handed me a tissue that I wiped my mouth with, humiliated, hurt and terribly confused.

The back and forth, the touching and the not touching, the promise of the sexual experiences awaiting in the hotel room and tawdry kissing and rubbing up against the wall was undoubtedly getting to me. It was so confusing, and in my inebriated state, I just needed a reprieve from all of it.

The silence on the ride back to the hotel was deafening.

I got out without waiting for him to open the door for me, walking ahead into the hotel lobby where I pressed the arrow up button. I held the door for Edward as he strolled inside, leaning against the wall glaring at me, while I looked away.

More silence.

When Edward opened our door, I unzipped my boots, threw them into the corner of the room and climbed into the unused bed. I don't remember anything after that or even falling asleep, just feeling the room spinning and the vile taste in my mouth. When I woke up later to pee and puke again, I was dressed in sweats and a tee shirt and my hair was pulled up in a very messy ponytail. Edward was in the other bed, curled in a ball on his side.

The bathroom mirror reflected back an ugly, pale face that had been wiped clean of the dark trickles of running mascara and stains of tears. After brushing and rinsing my mouth, I climbed back into bed by myself, never feeling more alone as I did at that moment.

The smell of coffee and gray dullness peeking through curtains greeted my splitting headache when I woke again. It took a few minutes to adjust my bearings, and clear the grogginess from my head. I heard Edward's voice. It wasn't evident who he was talking to but the words were all jumbled through the glass where he was using the phone outside on the balcony. I strained to hear the conversation, but grew tired of the difficult chore, rolling over onto my stomach. My whole body stiffened when the door slid open and then clicked shut. I thought about pretending to be asleep, but really, what good would that do?

Quietly, he moved around the room a bit and when the bed beside me dipped, and I knew he knew I was awake. Conceding, I rolled over to face him not quite able to make eye contact.

"I got you coffee," he said softly, "and some Advil."

"Thank you," I whispered; my voice scratchy and barely audible. He handed me a bottled water, placing two pills on the bed.

We were back to not touching again.

"Jasper and Alice want to meet for breakfast after we check out. I told them I would let them know once you got up, cause…I didn't know if you would want to be around anyone." Edward was dressed in jeans and a blue long sleeved shirt, his hair perfect as usual. Obviously he had showered while I was still passed out.

"That's fine."

Edward rubbed his temple, shutting his eyes. "Bella…if you need to take a break from this…from us…from _me_, then I understand. I really fucked up last night, but I didn't know I was doing anything wrong and I'm really fucking sorry I ruined everything for you."

I exhaled. "Is that what you want? A break from me?"

"No…I don't. But I know I keep giving you these mixed messages and you're probably getting tried of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. I know I am."

I felt my eyes tear up. "What do we do? How do we keep going like this?" Hot, salty tears trickled down my face onto the pillow beneath me. I just wanted to feel normal…_be _normal with him…no restrictions, no boundaries…no rules, no pain and no goddamn jealously.

"I don't know, baby. I don't fucking know." He played with his sleeve, avoiding my eyes. "This wasn't how this weekend was supposed to go, you know."

I sniffed, nodding my head. "I'm trying so hard, Edward, I really am. I'm trying to be strong for you and just deal with what's been given to us."

"I know, baby, I know you are. But Bella, that's what I've been trying to tell you…you have the option to not have to live like this. You can go and have a normal relationship and do things without having to feel confusion and fuckedupness all the time."

I sat up, wiping the tears away with the sheet. "Awww, this shit again? I told you already…I only want you. No one else. I would rather be completely alone than with anyone else but you. I just need you to know that what happened last night hurt me. But I understand why you let it happen. If it gave you a few minutes of feeling like a normal guy then it was worth it, right?"

"Nothing is ever worth seeing you cry, Beautiful…nothing."

"I really, really love you, Edward. I may have overreacted a little bit last night."

"I love you too, Bella, and yeah maybe you overreacted a little bit, but I get it and I am sorry." He leaned forward and placed the tiniest kiss on the tip of my nose. I heard him inhale before he pulled away with a sad smile. "Why don't you get ready to go and I'll pack up. I'm sure you're hungry. Oh…and you might want to wear something that covers up your neck, okay?

_Huh?_

I crawled off the bed, grabbing a pair of very wrinkled jeans and an equally crumpled top from by bag. "Can you iron these for me?"

Edward smiled. "With pleasure."

I ran the water in the tub, waiting until it was nice and hot as I checked out my neck. There were little red speckles just under the skin, where Edward's mouth had been last night. I traced my finger over the marks, a heated rush between my legs as the memory of his roughness and his desire and his cock rubbing against me flooded back into my mind.

He had marked me and I liked it. I found an immense amount of pleasure and satisfaction in feeling as if I had been claimed.

_Edward was mine._

And I would be damned if anyone ever thought otherwise.

I poked my head out the door, spying the back of Edward's head as he stood ironing my clothes.

Leaning against the door jam I said in a very calm voice, "E…just so you know, I am not normally so possessive, but I honestly think she was provoking me by touching you so much and that just isn't cool at all. I understand why you allowed Tanya to touch you like that last night, but you need to understand that if I ever see her near you again, I will hurt her… and you and I …are done."

The arch of his spine straightened. He said nothing, but nodded his head twice, and turned back to ironing.

**~%~**

Once I packed the last of my toiletries in my bag, and sadly tucked the unused vibrator away, Edward took my duffle from me and we headed to the lobby of the hotel. Things between us were a little strained, but I was so hungover that even if we hadn't had the mess happening from last night, I would have still likely have been in a somber mood. I groaned aloud as the elevator doors slid opened seeing Alice and Jasper waiting in the lobby…all post coital glowing and disgustingly in love.

Edward groaned aloud, muttering, "This is going to be a fun drive home."

Alice hugged me, dragging me off to the couches in the lobby while the boys checked out. She offered me a few details of their romantic dinner and then their trip to the Space Needle, where Jasper said, "I love you," to her for the first time and Alice said she cried. Apparently the sex was mind blowing as was the foreplay and cuddling afterward. It was at that point that I decided to just revel in her happiness instead of wallowing in my own messed up debacle of a relationship.

Like a true friend, I gave her all the details about the concert, including the marks on my neck now covered by a long striped scarf, and of course, the shit with Tanya and Irina, to which she narrowed her eyes and said, "I fucking hate those whores. Irina calls Jazz all the time and she just is a slob." I agreed wholeheartedly, but we dropped the subject when the boys approached us wanting to grab breakfast before we hit the road back to Forks.

Halfway through the ride home, my phone rang, waking me up. It was my mother, rambling on about Phil and the inventory in the new store and then finally about getting me plane tickets to Vermont for Christmas.

"Mom, I am absolutely _not_ going to Vermont this year again. I got stuck babysitting for Phil's nieces and nephews last year and trust me, that was not my idea of fun. I'm staying with daddy at home."

"Sweetie, your dad told me he's going to Colorado to see what's her name's family. He just assumed you would want to be with me and Phil for the holidays."

"Why doesn't anyone ask me before they make decisions that affect me?" I grumbled. "Mom, I'm not going to Vermont, and I'm not going to Colorado. I'm staying home." She argued loudly on the other line, while I pulled the phone away from my ear to avoid a relapse on my now waning headache.

Edward held his hand out for my phone. I huffed, placing it in his palm. "Mrs. Dwyer? This is Edward. Yes, well…she's told me so much about you too." He laughed, putting on a thick layer of charm. They spoke a few minutes, laughing and almost flirting, which I rolled my eyes at irritatedly. Not for Edward's sake but for my mom's. She had no shame.

Finally, Edward said, "Well, my family is going to Chicago this year and we would love to have Bella come along. You can speak to my parents about the details if you'd like." After a continued conversation, my mother actually consented to letting me go. My mom was always pretty liberal about things and she trusted me. She said to leave it to her as far as convincing Charlie, that it would be a piece of cake.

Alice grumbled in the back seat about wanting to come along as well, but that she was stuck with her mom and grandparents in Spokane for a week. Jasper consoled her by feeling her up.

The rest of the drive home, I gave Edward wordless glances, thanking him and telling him that I loved him. I was more than elated to not only get to see where Edward and his brothers grew up, but meet his grandparents, and spend Christmas with him. I was so excited, that for a little while, the elation superseded the glum feeling of the prior evening.

I was deep in thought as we drove, trying to reconcile my future with Edward and how we were going to get through the next few months, never mind the next two years. Then it hit me. I knew the only thing I could possibly do for Edward that would make a difference. It might make us or break us, but even if Edward and my relationship couldn't survive, then I could at least do this one thing for him. Because I was willing to risk it all for his happiness.

Charlie's car was in the driveway when we pulled into the block, so we said our goodbyes and Edward dropped Alice and I off so we could walk the rest of the way without looking suspicious. Once I got inside, I threw my bags in my room, said hello to Charlie and Maggie before embarking on a huge conversation about Christmas. I did the best that I could to state my case and reasons for going to Chicago. It helped very much that Maggie was there to back me up and act as a sort of character witness for Edward. I loved her for that.

To my utter surprise, he agreed, having spoken with Carlisle, Esme and my mother, with a guarantee that I would be spending the week in my own room away from the boys at night and supervised at all times.

What a joke. Like I needed a trip to Chicago to have sex…so ridiculous. If it were only that easy.

_But…maybe it is that easy._

Once I hugged Charlie and thanked him, I called Edward to tell him the news. After I hung up with him, I sat with my phone in my palm contemplating my next move. I knew exactly what I wanted to do…what I _needed_ to do, but I was nervous about actually carrying out the task. Finally, I just said, _fuck it._

"Jasper?"

"Hey, what's up Bella?" His mouth was full of food.

"Listen….I need a big favor and I need you to not ask any questions, or tell anyone we spoke of this, okay?"

"Um…okay," he said hesitantly. "You're kind of freaking me out right now. What exactly do you need?"

I exhaled, shutting my eyes, determined not to back down.

"I need Charlotte's last name."

**~%~**


	23. Chapter 23 Making Amends

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**Thank you as always to Becca for speedy proofing and to Suzy for letting me hassle the shit out of you in the midst of unpacking and waffle cooking with no electric. Girls on the thread, I love all your passion and heart for the story. It makes me smile.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 23~ Making Amends**

**Yeah, it's plain to see  
that baby you're beautiful  
And there's nothing wrong with you**

It's me, I'm a freak  
but thanks for lovin' me  
Cause you're doing it perfectly

There might have been a time  
When I would let you step away  
I wouldn't even try  
But I think you could save my life

Just don't give up I'm working' it out  
Please don't give in, I won't let you down  
It messed me up, need a second to breathe  
Just keep coming around  
Hey, what do you want from me

**What Do You Want From Me~ Adam Lambert**

**~Edward~**

The only thing good about watching my girl walking away from me was the sight of her perfect little ass in those practically painted on jeans. The bouncer at the door had made a pretty fucked up comment about that ass, and something about me being a lucky motherfucker for getting to tap that. If he only fucking knew.

Eventually, my crass friend, eventually.

I smirked as I watched Bella roughly navigate her way through the mass of people toward the bathroom. Once I knew she arrived safely, without being groped or hurting herself or any innocent bystanders in the process of her journey, I sat back down and played with the candle on the table. Thoughts of what I was planning to do to her back at the hotel made me smile and shift in my seat, because I knew she was excited about the vibrator, and I also knew she had on the little red thong. I didn't understand why girls wore them because they seemed so god damn uncomfortable...but I was on my knees thanking God they did, nevertheless.

Though I was feeling pretty much like a million fucking bucks tonight, I was a little self conscious sitting at the table by myself. I was getting these weird looks from a group of girls on the sofa in the section behind our table, and I realized that they were talking about me to one another. It made me feel as though I was on display. I wanted to turn around and yell, "Take a picture bitches, it lasts longer!" but I kept my composure and restrained myself, keeping myself occupied. Pulling out my phone, I checked for messages, cleaned out the folders, and put it away again.

I was really sort of pathetic. Bella was gone for what…ten minutes, and I really fucking missed her.

I tried to take another inconspicuous glance by the bathroom to check on Bella, when my phone buzzed. I was really fucking surprised to see that it was a text message from Tanya….she usually called or emailed; she never texted me.

_**How the hell did U get in here?**_

What the fuck? I looked around puzzled when the phone buzzed again.

_**At the bar**_

Sure enough, Tanya, her sister Irina, and a tiny brunette chick were leaning against the bar toasting me with their drinks. I stood, leaning against the railing to wave them over. I hadn't seen either of them since the cruise, which was over a year and a half ago and just from a distance, I could see that Tanya and Irina had definitely grown into women since. They both looked more like models than college freshmen.

They made their way through the crowd, and Tanya held her arms out to me pulling me into a tight embrace. In the back of my mind, I knew it was okay...they were eighteen and it was completely legal, but I stiffened anyway at the unfamiliar contact, wishing it was Bella in my arms and not Tanya. Instinctively, I put my hands on her waist to steady her, as she was leaning in a little too wobbly, obviously having one too many cocktails.

She pulled back gasping, covering her mouth with her hand. "Oh shit, Eddie, is it okay that I hugged you?"

I chuckled at her concern, feeling slightly embarrassed about it. "You're okay...it's minors I have to worry about." I was sort of yelling, as the music was really fucking loud and totally not conducive to any sort of private conversation. "And Tanya…call me Edward, please."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay, sorry. God, it's good to see you. You're like…an actual man now!" Tanya remarked, with a playful smile as she waved her hand in front of me. The last time I saw her I was fourteen and barely had a chest hair. I had matured physically quite a bit in the last eighteen months, as had she.

Irina, Tanya's fraternal twin, pushed her sister aside playfully to kiss me on the cheek. "Hi sweetie, you look awesome as usual. Is Jasper here with you?" she asked all wide-eyed and hopeful.

I shook my head. "Thanks, you look great yourself. Jazz is in Seattle with me, but he's back at the hotel with his girl."

Irina smirked and nodded. "The Playboy Bunny? She's a cutie." I quirked a questioning eyebrow. "Your mom sent my mom pics from Halloween," she clarified.

I noticed the brunette standing awkwardly behind the girls. "Is she eighteen?" I asked Tanya discreetly. She nodded, looking embarrassed that she forgot to introduce her friend in the excitement of our surprise reunion.

'This is our friend from school, Tia," she said. Tia offered her hand to me mechanically, obviously not having a clue as to my deal.

"Hey…I'm Edward." I extended my hand out to hers, feeling a distinct feeling of power and pride…and a tremendous amount of fucking normalcy. I actually shook a girl's hand for the first time in a year and a half. It made me smile like a fucking teenage girl at a shoe sale.

"So where's your ladybug? You two make a very cute couple by the way," Tanya remarked, sipping her drink.

"Thanks, I agree. She's in the bathroom. Actually…she's been there for a while,"I said, craning my neck to see if I could spot her. It was too dark to really see anything after the strobe lights passed.

"So are you two like…serious?" Irina asked, moving her eyebrows up and down indicating that she meant if we were intimate. They of course, knew about my situation when it all happened.

I chuckled. "We love each other but…unfortunately, no. We're not intimate. I'm playing by the rules." I cringed, not knowing if that was okay to be revealing that type of thing to them.

"Awww, such a good boy," Tanya said sweetly, patting my face. Irina and Tia rolled their eyes and turned away to that dance floor as they began to chat about another topic entirely, while Tanya and I continued to discuss my relationship with Bella.

Tanya downed her drink in a swift gulp. "How does that work, anyway?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, taking a sip of my own drink.

"Having a girlfriend that you can't like…be with," she clarified.

"Honestly, it fucking sucks, but Bella's an angel and she puts up with more shit than I'm worth. Sometimes I don't even know what the hell she sees in me. I have nothing to offer her but material things, and I know she'd much rather have a fucking hug than a new purse," I answered honestly. "Well, she likes shoes a hell of a lot, so maybe she'd prefer a new pair boots over a hug from me, I don't know," I chuckled, completely kidding. I knew exactly where Bella stood and I was definitely a lucky motherfucker for her patience as well as her presence in my life.

"I like her already," Tanya said with a grin. "I should take her out with us…show her college life, and the real way to party in college!" Tia and Irina must have heard that part because they clinked their glasses with some unitary girl power shit before cheering with Tanya.

"She'll never want to come back home to that shitty little Bumfuck Nowhere town you live in." I rolled my eyes, even though she was probably right. I bet once Bella got a taste of life outside of Forks again, she wouldn't want to stick around too long. That thought, for a moment… scared the fuck out of me.

"Oh, hell no you don't. Bella's a good girl…she doesn't need to be corrupted with sordid tales of your sorority orgies," I laughed. I must have hit the nail on the head, because the girls squealed and clinked their glasses again in agreement. "Seriously, behave around her, she's a sweetheart and you're going to scare her," I warned with a pointed glance, making sure none of them frightened her off. Bella could be tough when she needed to be, but she was still really naïve to some extent, and truthfully, I rather liked the idea that she was so inexperienced in a lot of areas. It would be both my honor and pleasure to be the one to experience those things with her or to her which ever the case may be.

I took a few steps back toward the railing when I felt the liquor really hit me. My hands and lips were almost numb and it felt really fucking good and relaxing just listening to the music and hanging with old friends a lot like I used to. It had been so long since I had witnessed a glimpse of this person…Eddie Masen. I thought the popular, social, fun kid who drew a crowd and was at ease with everyone had died back in Chicago. But just for tonight, a little bit of that guy seemed to have been resurrected…and I had no intention of putting him back into his grave just yet.

Irina struck up a conversation, asking about Jasper and Emmett and my parents, and what our plans for Christmas were. I asked about her parents, and about college life in general. They seemed like they were doing a hell of a lot more partying than studying.

"Oh hey…let me get a picture of you for my phone ID," Tanya said, snapping a photo of me with a shit-eating grin on my face. Then she leaned against me as she extended her hand out to take one of us together. She stumbled on her heel, shoving against the table a little, causing Bella's drink to splash. It was almost empty, so I slid it to the end of the table as a signal for the waitress to bring another.

I slid my hand over my eyes, turning outward looking for Bella again. When I pulled out my phone to see what time it was, I realized she'd been gone for almost a half an hour and I was definitely getting worried. I sent her a text:

_**Where R U?**_

Her reply:

_**Watching you get molested by 3 whores.**_

Molested? What the hell? I looked up, quickly meeting her gaze. She was standing against a column at the top of the stairs, just watching me, all of the silver sparkles in her top reflecting the multicolored strobe lights from the ceiling. It was rather fucked up really, but then by the tone of her reply text, she evidently had no idea why these random girls were at our table all of sudden. I could only imagine what that looked like to her.

As I strolled over, I could see by her posture, her glassy eyes and her expression that she was not only drunk, but extremely pissed. I had a feeling that this was going to be a conversation I should probably have with my hands covering my balls.

I took a few steps closer to her. "What's going on, Baby?" I asked, wishing I could grab her around her waist and kiss her with everything I had. Liquor only exacerbated the intense physical need I had for her. I wanted desperately to feel her against me…her body and her mouth and her tits under my fingers… I fucking missed her. Instead, I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep them from accidentally roaming in my inebriated state.

She nodded toward the table, her attitude blatantly evident.

_Fuck._

I had never seen her like this before, though something told me as sweet as Bella was, she had a ferocious side to her. "Who are they?" she asked, her voice sounding tired and rough.

"Um…that's um…Irina and Tanya and um…Tia, I think she said her name was, I can't remember. You know, my parents friends…daughters."

_Did that come out right? Is that even that girl's name? Fuck…I should really be more observant. _

"Come on…I'll introduce you," I said, waving my hand for her to follow me. I felt like such a douche for not being able to hold her hand or drape my arm around her waist.

She huffed irritatedly crossing her arms across her chest. "Tanya…the girl you lost your virginity to? No thanks, I'd rather not._"_

Fuck…I suppose I was stupid and naïve enough to think that Bella would be cool meeting them. I honestly didn't think this would have been a problem. I mean, I had no feelings other than friendship for the girl. Yeah, I slept with her a year and a half ago, but it wasn't like we made love or anything. If I were sober I would probably have thought it out more thoroughly, but I was fucked up and feeling so good that I didn't really take Bella's apprehensive feelings about meeting Tanya into concern. I considered Tanya a long time friend, so it didn't really occur to me that Bella would think of her as anything other than that.

_Shit…what was I supposed to do now? They are at our table, making themselves comfortable. I should just ask them to go. God, that's so rude. _

_Fuck what do I do, what do I do? Why is this even a problem? She's just a fucking friend whom I've known since I was five years old…_

"What's the problem? Oh come on, Beautiful, don't be like that. They're just friends…please, come meet them."I smiled at her warmly, watching as she nervously ran her fingers over the strap of her purse while hoping she would just concede and come with me. I decided I would hint around for the girls to leave after a few minutes, once Bella was introduced. I thought it would be good for her to at least be introduced to Tanya and Irina, because they were bound to have to interact at some family function in the future.

To my relief, she eventually nodded and followed behind me. I was so proud to introduce her to them. I mean, the girl was not only fucking beautiful, but she was mine and it just made me feel like such a man for once being able to show her off.

"This is my girlfriend, Bella," I said, my voice embarrassingly brimming with pride. "Love, this is Tanya," I said, pointing to Tanya. Tanya stood, towering over my little Bella, as they shook hands and exchanged pleasantries.

I introduced Irina first and then Tia, and like a dumbass, I stumbled over her name.

"Oh good, she found us!" Irina exclaimed before saying excuse me as she slipped her body cautiously between Bella and I to grab her drink off the tray that the waitress had been carrying. Evidently, the waitress had been searching by the bar for them when they disappeared up to the VIP section.

I ordered another round, adding additional drinks for Bella and myself as well, while I paid for the girls drinks. I probably should have been running a tab, but I wasn't exactly sure how that worked and it was probably a dumbass idea to call my dad to ask him.

"She's gorgeous," Tanya whispered.

"Yes, she is," I laughed, narrowing my eyes. "Don't even think of hitting on her," I teased, only half kidding. I knew Tanya was into some funky shit by the stories she told, as well as by the 'colorful' pictures she had posted on her Facebook page. That…was why I didn't want her influencing Bella. Not that the thought of Bella being into girls didn't cross my mind a few hundred times. I mean, she could get her release… and I could watch…

"I wouldn't dare, Jackass! I am afraid to even talk to her now that you've got me all scared that I am going to damage her with my depraved lifestyle," she winked, playfully swatting me on the arm. Bella did that when I first met her. I wondered what was up with chicks and hitting guys on the arm. If I ever swatted a girl, I would probably get arrested for assault and battery.

Bella began chatting with Irina at the table while Tanya mentioned how excited she was about my mom having another baby. Evidently, Tia's mom had had another baby a few years ago and she was telling me about how the baby was diagnosed with a heart defect and he had to see special doctors for a heart transplant. I was mesmerized by the way she spoke of her brother, almost teary eyed. She obviously felt a lot of fucking love for him. I knew that I would feel the same when my brother or sister was born, and I couldn't wait.

I was impressed how easily Bella seemed to fit in, and I loved that she was able to easily make conversation with Irina. They did have a certain amount in common, what being into fashion and girlie shit. I didn't blame her for not making an attempt to engage in a conversation with Tanya just yet. It was probably a little awkward, at least for Bella. Tanya, I am sure, had no qualms about it.

Bella came over by us after a while, seeming completely bored with our conversation. Every now and then, she would comment on something, but I thought that she seemed tired and irritable, which was odd, but likely because of the alcohol. Then it occurred to me that I hadn't really seen her drink that much hard liquor before, as she was usually a beer drinker. I had no idea what the effects of the antidepressants and vodka were going to do to her. If anything happened to her, it would be entirely my fucking fault.

Jesus Christ… another thing on my shoulders.

Showing obvious disinterest, Bella walked over to the railing and began dancing to the music blaring out of the speakers below. Irina was rattling on about something having to do with her car, but I was bored with the topic and really wanted to be alone with Bella. I was about to hint around that Bella and I were on a date and that they should go, but the waitress came with a fresh round of drinks and I just felt awkward and shitty about asking them to leave. My mother would be horrified by my impoliteness.

Before I could even say anything, the lights dimmed and New Moon came back on to the stage. I quickly moved next to Bella, as Tanya and the girls stood to the side of me.

I gave Bella her drink leaning in to whisper "I love you," in her ear. She smiled sweetly, whispering it back then turned to the show again. She seemed so out of it, donning droopy lids over tired, glassy eyes, and she just looked incredibly annoyed. Maybe she was getting her period? I had no fucking idea. But I did notice that Bella's martini glass was empty and I was officially cutting her off.

Tanya leaned up to whisper in my ear, "Is Bella okay? She's really quiet, huh? Oops, whoa…" Her hand gripped my shoulder steadying herself. She was slurring and swaying.

"You are leaded," I said, chuckling at her. "I think she's just really tired. It was a long drive."

"Are you okay, Love?" I asked. Bella nodded without looking at me. She just bobbed her head to the music and moved her feet along with the beat. This girl was so fucking beautiful, I couldn't wait to get her alone…though I was glad she was having a good time.

Tanya squeezed my arm, squealing, "Aren't you so glad I turned you onto New Moon? They are so fucking awesome!" I responded by laughing at her enthusiasm, and her drunkenness. She leaned over, rubbing the surface of my ring.

"Lemme see." Moving my hand into the light, she gasped and snickered, "Please tell me this isn't an Abstinence ring! I thought that was only for virgins."

Shrugging my shoulders and leaning in to her ear as to not announce it to the whole club, I responded, "It is a way to throw everyone off as to why we never touch. Believe me, that last thing we would be practicing is abstinence if things were different." Tanya smirked giving me a little wink.

Bella continued gazing straight ahead, grooving to the music and clapping after each song. I wanted so badly to hold her waist and kiss her, but I was so fucking afraid to in this big of a place. Obviously, with running into Tanya and her sister, I could never truly be prepared for who was lurking just around the corner.

Tanya leaned in, holding onto my shoulder for support. "Hey, what are you guys doing after this? We were going to head to a club downtown. You guys should totally come with."

"Yeah, thanks, but we have other plans," I said, smirking a little too hard as the image of Bella's little red panties and the vibrator came into my mind. The sounds she would make as I made her come made me hard just thinking about it.

"Yeah, yeah I get it," she said with a knowing smile, scratching the back of my head. It was an odd gesture, but Tanya was an affectionate person in general, and apparently even more so when she was drunk. Tanya leaned over the railing at Bella. She smiled at her and whispered into my ear again, "I don't think you're getting lucky tonight, Eddie. She looks like she's gonna pass out any second. Oh, shit… did you two want some privacy? We just totally crashed your date!"

"Don't worry about it. I don't think we're staying much longer anyway." Bella didn't seem to mind, and though yeah, they did crash the date, I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

I was just about to ask Bella if she wanted to get going, but suddenly her hand was on top of mine. The gesture was slow and deliberate as she curled her tiny fingers over the top of my hand. I withdrew mechanically, because I was on autopilot when it came to Bella. Now that we were always together, it was a little obvious that were more than friends and I was overly concerned at how that appeared to anyone on the outside. I'd be damned if I was going to get pinned for a sexual encounter when I hadn't done a damn thing to earn it.

It was weird, because I had to be two people in that moment. I was restraining Order Edward with Bella on my left and Normal Eddie with Tanya on my right. It was confusing and a little more than fucked up.

As I snapped back my hand abruptly, I looked at her with disbelief. In three months, Bella had never once purposely touched me in public. I was feeling the urgent need to be intimate with her as well, but I had enough restraint to wait until we got back to the hotel. She was definitely drunk and done for the night.

She stood up on her tip toes, leaning to whisper in my ear. I bend down slightly to meet her height, taking in her perfume and chocolate martini and God she smelled fucking great. She slurred, "Hey E? If she fucking touches you again, I am going to punch her in her fucking ugly cock sucking mouth."

_Whoa…And we're officially done for the evening._

If I were more responsible, I would have stopped her alcohol consumption back at number two, because this was obviously dangerous. The alcohol seemed to have had created a Bella that was antagonistic with a little touch of crazy. I was kind of scared, actually. I figured we'd say good night, head back to the hotel, and if she hadn't fallen asleep on the way, I could make her feel good once we got back. Hell, hearing her scream my name was better than any fucking concert.

"Uh…maybe you should call it a night, Baby. You are definitely drunk and more than a little hostile and as much as I might enjoy it, I don't feel like breaking up a cat fight right now." I snickered, because that really would be sort of fun…though I knew Emmett would be very sad to have missed it. He was always up for a good girl fight.

Her face fell instantly, to my utter disappointment. Perhaps I was mistaken, but I thought she was looking forward to being with me and the little purple vibe.

"If that's what makes you happy, E…I'll go," she said, her voice cracking with the onslaught of tears. "You can stay here with your harem of whores and let them caress you all over. I don't want to ruin that experience for you, being underage and all." She turned grabbing her purse off the table and mumbled something I didn't understand as she flew down the aisle toward the stairs.

I had no idea what the fuck had just happened.

"Bella?" She slipped on the stairs and some guy helped right her. "Fuck…Uh, I… gotta go!" I said to the girls with a wave as I bolted down the stairs after her. "Bella…Bella!" I called as loud as I could, but between the band's lead singer screaming and the wailing guitar, she couldn't hear me. And for a tiny drunk chick in high heels, she was fucking fast. I completely lost her in the crowd, trying to make my way to the front of the club.

I slipped my hand in my back pocket, pulling out the coat check ticket, because I knew it was fucking cold out there and Bella only had on a thin top. Besides, our hotel key was in my inside pocket and we wouldn't be able to get in past the lobby without it.

Slapping the ticket and a twenty on the counter, I yelled, "Hurry please!" While the startled girl retrieved our coats, I ran outside the front entrance frantically looking for Bella, hoping she wasn't able to catch a cab. I saw her stumble into a nearby apartment building stairwell and I assumed she sat down. After running back inside and quickly grabbing our coats, I shrugged my arms into the sleeves, heading down the block to the staircase. I could see her little gray boots peeking out from behind the wall.

The second I saw her, I felt my whole body shift out of the panic and the guilt that I had been feeling for letting her get so ahead of me. Her cheek was resting on her knees as the smoke from the cigarette she was taking a drag of wafted above her head. I draped her coat over her shoulders and then she gazed yup at me, her face tearstained and sullen. Upon seeing her crying, alone on that pavement, so unnecessarily…it was just so fucking reckless of her to walk out on me like that. I couldn't hold back the anger that exploded to the surface.

"Jesus fuck, Bella! What the hell is wrong with you?" I yelled, not able to control the onslaught of emotions that were overwhelming me. God knows what the hell could have happened to her. In her state she could have been fucking assaulted or something.

I crouched down trying to make eye contact with her, hopefully to find out what the hell she was so upset about.

"Just leave me alone, Edward. Go back inside to Tanya. You were having such a good time with them…I can't bear to see your night ruined because of me."

What. The. Hell? I suddenly felt as though I was on the verge of insanity, trapped in a parallel universe or something.

Shit… I wished I hadn't been so fucked up at that moment. It was difficult to focus, never mind steady myself in a crouching position. This was completely fucked up, because she seemed fine the whole time and then she appeared just kind of tired up until the outburst concerning Tanya.

"You are insane, you know that?" I seethed in complete disbelief. Was she seriously jealous? "Bella, she means nothing to me. Those girls are just old friends…why are you being like this?"

As she stood, putting on her coat, I unfurled from my wobbly crouch to stand as well. She was on the second step so Bella and I were actually at eye level. The tears that were streaming from her face were killing me. I couldn't understand why she was hurting or what I had done to make her feel like that. I wasn't insinuating that she leave by herself…just that she was drunk and that we should go home…together.

Through angry tears, Bella spat, "I understand that she is 18 and she can hug and kiss you but, really…do you have to have to rub my face in it? Do you have any idea how shitty that made me feel to see those girls all over you…especially Tanya, a girl who you fucked…and then when I went to touch your hand, you pulled away? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" Her face was streaming with black tears, and I wished I had a tissue to wipe them away for her. It fucking gutted me to see her cry, especially knowing that I was the one inflicting her pain.

The second she said the words out loud, I realized what her earlier rant had actually meant. She was pissed that Tanya had been touching me. It hadn't even for a second occurred to me. I thought of Tanya as I had thought of my mom or Maggie or a teacher at school… someone harmless, permissible and totally benign.

But to Bella…Tanya was a threat…competition...the enemy. It hadn't even occurred to me that she would be pissed about Tanya being able to touch me. But it made no sense to me. Bella knew how much I loved her. Didn't she? It was at that point that I began to second guess myself. I thought I had tried to show her how much she meant to me in every way possible that I could. I couldn't understand why the hell she was so insecure about the intensity of what I felt for her…the lengths I would go to make her happy.

I apologized immediately, feeling so fucking lame and shitty for not realizing it before. Spewing out the story of the why I was holding back from her, I knew I should have told her the truth sooner, but I didn't want to freak her out. But she couldn't possibly be pissed at me because I pulled away from her. She knew what the ramifications of touching me would do. And honestly, she was pissed that Tanya and the girls who were of age could touch me? Like that was anything I could control? So basically, she was alluding to the fact that if she couldn't touch me than no one could. Did she not want my mom or my grandmother to hug or kiss me either?

Who was this girl sitting here in front of me? Not my Bella. My Bella wanted me to be happy and loved. This Bella… well, she was being a bit of a selfish bitch. I honestly had no idea she had it in her.

Then… I got pissed, because she was bitching to me about something I had no control over. And that for once in a fucking year I was able to react like a normal person with old friends of mine that I hadn't seen in ages. It was so fucking unfair and a little selfish of her I had to think.

"Well fuck…I'm sorry if I was being a little inconsiderate of your feelings, Bella but did you ever think that for ten fucking minutes inside that club, I was able to feel like a normal guy without having to flinch or push anyone away? They are over eighteen, legally…I don't have to stay away from them." I thought that explaining it to her aloud would aid the situation…but of course, I was dead wrong.

And that was the last thing I should have said, because to her I was just an insensitive asshole. But to me, yeah, it was a shitty defense, but it was honest. I hadn't felt that normal, being around a group of people and being able to be completely myself in so long. I may have taken advantage of the opportunity subconsciously. It wasn't as though I had any experience with this shit. I had no fucking clue what I was doing and I lived on a day-to-day basis with whatever was handed to me. I felt goddamn good for a change so I took advantage of it. Fucking sue me.

I mean, it was an opportunity for me to show Bella that I didn't always have to be this enormous freak- that I could go out in public and act like a normal person without having to hide in a fucking corner cowering in fear all night. Part of me wanted her to see that if she chose to be with me then eventually life would be normal, and I could be around her friends without feeling constant discomfort.

All I wanted was to feel normal…and for one fucking night… I actually did.

She went on and on, yelling and ranting about how I was an inconsiderate bastard and I should have been more aware of her feelings. And fuck if she wasn't right about that. But I was so clueless that I didn't even see it. I was ashamed that I couldn't even determine my own girlfriends moods and I felt like such a dick for it. And at that point I couldn't help it…she was telling me how I should go find someone else that I could actually be with, alluding to the fact that I didn't want her enough.

And then I fucking lost it, because I never ever wanted her to feel that I didn't want her enough. She was all I fucking wanted.

I attacked Bella with my mouth and my hands, not giving a fuck about who saw. I needed her to know that I was willing to give up everything- my fucking freedom and fucking civil rights to let her know for absolute certain that I loved her with all my heart. Again, another asshole move, because Bella would get into trouble as well and that wasn't something I thought of at the time.

Bella did things to me that I couldn't explain or rationalize. She brought out these carnal, raw feelings and emotions that were undiscovered and novel and begging to be explored. I couldn't hold back…the need to have her …to make her understand how much I fucking loved her…was crippling.

"I want you so fucking bad, so fucking bad," I breathed as I sucked on her neck, rubbing my cock against her pussy. I was in heaven and hell simultaneously because in the back of my mind I couldn't really enjoy the divine experience knowing that if I got caught we were both severely fucked.

I told her I loved her and that I would go to jail for her. Because it was fucking true. I would do it in a heartbeat, if that's what she needed to feel my love for her wholly.

But that reality hit her hard as she puked up her fear onto the sidewalk. And then I felt impossibly worse because not only had I fucking scared her, but I made her feel threatened by a girl who meant nothing to me, attacked her, and basically ruined her whole damn night. I just felt like a royal fuck up and I hated myself for not being able to determine that she was upset…needlessly as it may have been.

I wanted to hold her in the cab and tell her everything would be okay, but I didn't know if that was even remotely true, so it felt worse creating a lie just to console her. I paid the cabby and then we made our way to the 10th floor with as much grace as the situation would allow. I helped her as much as I legally could, though it wasn't a great deal. And I was so fucking thrown off kilter because not ten minutes prior, I was mauling the girl up against a wall, and now I was back to remaining a foot away from her at all times.

She couldn't even fucking make eye contact with me, she was so pissed off.

These moments...these stupid moments were the hardest on me. I could control my sexual thoughts and actions but I had a really hard fucking time reining in my protectiveness over her. I wanted to pick her up and carry her to our room, cradled in the shield of my arms. After all, it was my responsibility to take care of her. Drunk or not...she was mine and I needed to protect her, even if it was from herself.

After she passed out on the bed, I took a warm facecloth, slowly and carefully wiping away the messy tears that resulted because of me.

I whispered, "I'm so sorry my sweet girl," before I changed her clothes and made sure she was on her stomach so she wouldn't choke if she threw up again. I thought how ironic it was that the first time I undressed her she was unconscious. As for her little red thong, well… I swear I heard it laugh at me and call me a loser. I was fucking losing my mind.

I changed into sweats and passed out on the other bed, not knowing if she was even able to stand the sight of me after making her feel unwanted. It was stupid, because what I should have done was snuggle her up in my arms and hold her until she woke up, so that she knew she was the only person I wanted to be near.

I slept like shit, tossing and turning all night, waking from vivid dreams of Bella leaving me and telling me that I ruined her life. I woke to my phone buzzing with message alerts. One was a text from Jasper asking to join him and Alice for breakfast before checkout. Even in his text he sounded happy. I was honestly glad for them both, though I was hoping that they would be able to contain their excitement until the car ride was done, for Bella's sake. It would hurt her to hear Alice and Jasper so happy discussing their night out when we couldn't even go on a normal date without me fucking it up.

The other text was from Tanya. I didn't even look at it until after I had showered and dressed and came back from the lobby with coffee and Advil.

The text just said she was worried after I left abruptly last night. I slipped outside to smoke a cigarette and quickly text her back, but the phone rang before I could type anything in.

Honestly, this was fucking hard. I was nervous about even talking to her like that because I felt as though it was a kind of betrayal against Bella after last night. We hadn't talked things over and I had no idea if she would still even want to continue this…whatever it was that we had.

I tried keeping my voice hushed, as I felt like shit almost sneaking to talk to Tanya, at the same time, I felt even shittier because upon giving Bella the courtesy she deserved, it looked as though I was trying to hide talking to her to begin with…which I wasn't. I was so fucking confused. Again… paying for a sin I hadn't actually committed.

Tanya expressed her concern and I thanked her for it, explaining that Bella was just really upset about the fact that Tanya was able to touch me. Tanya was legitimately taken back by this, considering any time she had touched me was completely innocent because we were totally just friends and nothing more. She thought it was a definite overreaction on Bella's part but she did understand where Bella was coming from to a certain extent, as did I. She offered to talk to her, to set the record straight, but at this moment I didn't feel that was the best plan.

Tanya apologized asking me to please let Bella know that she was very sorry for making her uncomfortable. I didn't know if I should relay the message to Bella, because I thought that just mentioning her name would only aggravate the problem. She would realize that I had talked with her and again in some sort of parallel universe betrayed her trust. However, I didn't even know if she would even be speaking to me once she woke.

When I went back inside, Bella was awake and looking like she was hit by a bus, yet she was still fucking beautiful. We talked things out a bit, expressing our love for one another, but neither of us still not having a fucking clue as to what to do with any of the shit that was constantly thrown our way. The both of us were so damn new at relationships in general, never mind one with such repressive restrictions attached to it. When I started this with Bella, I knew damn well it wouldn't be without its difficulties, but this was becoming harder than I ever thought possible. And it was only just the beginning.

Needless to say, the relief I felt at hearing Bella adamant about wanting to continue to love me was enough to rock my world, because the reality of losing her was decimating to me.

Regardless of my actions, Bella forgave me of my stupidity, and I absolved her for jumping to conclusions and making false assumptions. And while I had a hard time completely comprehending her severe reaction, I did understand how I felt when Jasper kissed her and Newton's slimy hands were on her at Halloween. I fucking got it. The only difference was that I knew Tanya wasn't anything more than a friend to me, despite the fact that we had history. Jasper and Mike, well…they had ulterior motives that I knew were not of a friendly nature.

I was still a little annoyed that she would think I would purposely flaunt Tanya's ability to touch me in front of her. Truly, I didn't really appreciate being doubted, because I felt as though I was extending every effort to show Bella love and affection in the best way I could. Nevertheless, I could see how she felt from her perspective, and I suppose my hurting her unknowingly was just another fucking life lesson to be learned. I don't think I could have really stood by and watched some guy I didn't know paw at Bella. I was a protective stingy motherfucker that way.

So, I suppose it was true what they said about walking in someone else's shoes. I knew damn straight that I could even stand in Bella's heels let alone walk in them.

I was a smart guy, I knew that. But when it came to relationships and women as a whole…I was a complete and utter fucking moron.

**~%~**

As much as the aftermath of that was awkward, uncomfortable, and unresolved, Bella and I found ourselves able to forgive our fatuous actions and push things aside for the time being. As I drove toward Forks, I relished in the quiet that was an obviously very satiated and exhausted Alice, thanks to Jasper's "good lovin" (or as he so eloquently phrased it- fucking her into a silent stupor).

My thoughts drifted away to images that led to smirks and smiles, followed by the intense heated swirl in my groin that accompanied my never ceasing hard on. Every few minutes or so, lascivious thoughts of me pushing Bella against that wall invaded whatever I was doing at the particular moment…the sounds she made as my mouth assaulted hers, and the way the heat of her pussy felt as it rubbed along my cock. That feeling….the way her heat made me shake and the way her scent filled my brain and how the softness of her skin met the roughness of my forceful nips and bites…I will never forget that as long as I live.

Insanely stupid as it was, I couldn't bring myself to regret my actions in attacking her, because for one, I desperately needed her to see what she meant to me, and two…I loved this girl more than the air I breathed and the fact that I couldn't be physically inside her was crippling at times. At least I knew…_she_ knew… that when we were finally able to be together, skin on skin and wet heat mixed with raw desire and intense emotion, that it would be worth every minute that we withstood being intimate. Because wouldn't that be so fucked up if we waited two years only to discover that there was no sexual chemistry or compatibility between us?

Yeah…that would so fucking suck.

After the stressed out drive home, Bella and I went our own ways, silently agreeing to a reprieve from one another, though it wasn't what I wanted at all. She made up some excuse about having Spanish and math homework, but when I mentioned it to Em and Rose, they both admitted that there was no assignment for either class, so I knew Bella was lying to me. As much as I wanted to, I didn't question her actions because if she didn't want to hurt my feelings by needing to be alone, then I would have to respect that.

After school the next day, Bella and I had talked everything out, rehashing both of our sides to one another. I truly had no idea that she had felt excluded, and then I felt like shit, because I knew the girls probably had left her out of the conversation, not wanting to offend or corrupt her as I had warned them. The whole fucking thing was my entire fault, and I truly wish I had never even invited them up to the table.

Even though things did get a bit heated, we both amicably decided that in our own rights we were justifiable in our actions regarding the night of the club. I made her promise me that in the future when I did something that made her uncomfortable or pissed off that she would never lie or omit to me again. Bella said that her ultimatum regarding Tanya still stood, regardless if she was obligated to be at a family event with me. It seemed that Bella wasn't opposed to me having a friendship or whatever with Tanya by phone or internet, but she "didn't want that bitch_ touching_ me if _she_ couldn't."

I suppose that was fair.

But that night I called her to tell her good night and she got all weird and quiet. Bella was generally chatty and rarely at a loss for conversation, so like a naughty toddler having gone quiet, I knew that her silence could only lead to no good.

"E…I need you to tell me about you and Tanya," she finally said quietly.

I huffed exaggeratedly, quite fucking irritated to say the least because by that point it was all overly redundant and truly getting annoying. "Beautiful, we've been through this before I told you they came up and they …"

"No, no," she cut me off with a click of her tongue to the roof of her mouth. "I mean on the cruise. Tell me what happened between you two."

I hesitated, trying to absorb what she was really asking me. After questioning her motives, she explained that she fucking wanted details…a play by play of my first sexual experience with Tanya.

_Kill me right fucking now._

I argued, insisting that she did not want to hear the details, because it would be hurtful to hear and quite fucking frankly...embarrassing to me. But she was relentless in her quest, because she thought it was somehow cathartic to hear me recant the scene so that she could get a visual. Personally, I thought that she was completely fucking masochistic and enjoyed torturing the both of us…me in particular as punishment for fucking up her weekend.

Huffing again, I started, "Well, Jasper and I were bored, and just hanging around. Tanya and Irina came by, bearing a huge bottle of Absolute. We got drunk, and Jasper and Irina started kissing. And I don't know…I think by that point me and Tanya just started kissing too, and then…"

"Wait. So watching Jasper and Irina kissing turned you on?"

I practically stuttered. "Uh….I don't fucking know, I guess. I was drunk and I don't remember."

"Bullshit. You remember fine. Did it turn you on?" she repeated sternly.

I exhaled, muttering softly, "Yes."

Silence.

"So watching other people kiss and stuff gets you going. Humph. Okay so then what?" It was more like she was repeating it as confirmation to herself, not necessarily as a question to me.

"Well, we were kind of kissing and she was like…straddling me on the chair and so I think…" I honestly tried to remember what happened next. "I think I took off her dress and then I am pretty sure she slid onto the floor and started…um…giving me a um…"

"Blowjob?" she asked.

_Yes, a fucking blowjob. And I sucked on her tits before she slid off of me and I fucking loved the feeling of pert nipples in my mouth and the sound of a whimper caused by something I had done and the power I had over her as she pushed her tits forward for more. _

I hated this.

Because honestly, I would give anything for it to have been Bella as my first. I would give anything to go back and have that memory as one shared by the girl that I was in love with, not with…whatever the fuck Tanya was to me.

"Bella what the fuck do you want to know this shit for? I mean seriously? I was fourteen and fucking horny," I snapped.

"Because… I want to know what the hell to do when our time comes, Edward. I don't want you to look at me like this virginal, inexperienced pathetic little girl who doesn't have a clue. So at least if I can figure out what you like and how to do stuff, you won't be bored or …disappointed with me in two years once our time finally comes."

"Bella, that is so ridiculous. You know what I like. Everything you do makes me feel good. It's not like I have had so much sex that I can say what I am into and what I'm not. I have done it four times, and one of them I was completely unconscious. The other three, I came so fucking fast I couldn't even enjoy it really. Just stop torturing yourself with this. When our time comes it will be amazing, I promise."

She groaned, obviously annoyed and impatient with my lack of cooperation and insolence. "Fine. Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"I love you, Beautiful. And just for the record…one of the things I love about you is that you are untouched. I love knowing that no one has had what I will, and that you are all mine."

When she sighed, I could hear the smile in it. "I love you too. Night."

**~%~**

It was midweek and we were in study hall. We had been instructed by our guidance counselors to choose an elective to take when the semester ended after Christmas break, which by the way her parents had given her permission to spend with me in Chicago and I was fucking psyched for lack of a better word.

Truth be told, aside from seeing Gran and Gramps, I wasn't thrilled about going back there. It was extremely unlikely that I would even run into anyone that I had associated with prior to relocating, but while I would do my damnedest to avoid it, it was still a possibility. I was nervous as fuck about it and thanking god I wasn't going to be spending any of the holiday break without Bella.

"So art is out then?" she asked, crossing a line through one of the choices on the list she was holding.

"Yeah, my stick figures are pretty shitty, so no art." I slid my notebook across the table to show her the two stick people I had drawn holding hands.

"Are they throwing up?" she asked, squinting to get a better look.

"No, that's a floating heart indicating that they are in love. It's me and you," I explained softly adding a cheesy grin.

She squinted again. "That's a heart? It looks like vomit."

I rolled my eyes crumpling up the paper, which she pulled out if my hand to smooth over. "What else?" I asked tapping my pencil repeatedly on the table surface. She grabbed the pencil away from me, angrily tossing it into the corner of the library. I looked at her with mock horror.

"You are annoying the shit out of me with that thing. Anyway…wood shop?" Bella rolled her eyes and snickered at the mere mention.

"Keep going," I said with a scowl. As if I would ever voluntarily use shop tools. I was lucky I could use a fucking can opener without shuddering. Though seeing Bella in little denim shorts and work boots would be too cute. Discreetly, I pulled a pen out of my bag.

No…no wood shop.

"So I suppose auto mechanics is out as well," she huffed scratching that off the list.

I scoffed. "Oh, like you would ever willingly choose to be underneath a car."

"True. The only thing I want to be underneath is you. That leaves sewing and international cooking."

"Yeah?" I asked, playfully caressing her hand with the end of my pen. "You want me to give you a lube job?" I waggled my eyebrows as she snorted and gave me a wry smile. I chuckled, "Let's do the cooking class, I guess."

"Okay cool," she responded, closing her notebook shut while giving me a hesitant yet shy smirk.. "So, uh… speaking of cooking…have you…looked at the directions yet?"

I gave her a puzzled look before a smirk spread across my face upon realization of what she was referring to. "Uh… yeah. Utterly fucking humiliating. But not actually hard… oh and speaking of hard, I'm gonna need you be present to, uh…keep things…statuesque?" I fumbled for the correct word, laughing silently at the image of me holding my dick… Jesus.

She clapped her hands, bouncing in her seat like a little kid. "Ooh! I get to watch? Yes! Can we do it today maybe?"

"Yeah, if you want. But I'm getting high first. Oh, and stop home and get your red boots." The bell rang and we stood, gathering up our bags.

"And a short skirt," I said, motioning for her to her walk ahead of me.

As we passed out the double doors into the hallway, I leaned into her ear whispering, "And your red lace thong."

She shuddered and let out a tiny moan and that was how we found ourselves in my bathroom later that afternoon with my man zone completely bald and a Create A Mate kit in our possession.

Yeah, as fervently suggested by the instructions, I had to shave the family jewels. I looked in the mirror to see two bald beauties staring back at me. My boys looked rather fucking cold at the moment. All I could think about was how they were going to itch like a motherfucker when the hair started to grow back in. I had always kept the area neatly manscaped, but I had never actually ventured into a full on shave.

And I did it high nonetheless.

Bella and I smoked up first because I didn't think I could carry out the most humiliating task I would ever attempt to accomplish in my whole life straight. She was sitting on the lid of my toilet in her red boots, legs bare and pale in a short as sin denim skirt, deliberately flashing me her red panties while I reread the directions for the fifth goddamn time. She kept bursting out laughing, making me laugh and while it was funny as fuck, I didn't want to mess it up because it only came with enough for two molds and I really, really wanted to get it right the first time.

I had all the equipment laid out neatly and in order of its necessity on the vanity including the vile of pink glitter that she planned to add to the model mix at the end, because she was Bella and she thought a pink sparkly replica of my cock would be a hell of a lot better than one that didn't sparkle. "Come on, B stop laughing. I am trying to create a masterpiece here," I said almost whining through chuckles. "Be serious." She covered her mouth ineffectively, only to giggle some more. "Okay, are you ready or what?" I asked throwing my hands up in defeat. "Fine, fine. Just tell me what to do and when you need me," she said waggling her eyebrows while she suggestively pulled up her skirt a little. "Not yet, Eager Beaver. He he.. get it…Eager Beaver," I repeated, laughing at my own joke. I shuddered thinking that I had spent too much time with Emmett growing up watching Beavis and Butthead on MTV.

I sighed, picking up the directions again, stifling another laugh as to not get her riled up again. "_Mix powder and water from the Create A Mate Kit_," I mumbled, pouring the white powder into the little dish. "_Water should be 75 degrees Fahrenheit_." Bella enthusiastically stuck the thermometer into the measuring cup proving she was an excellent assistant. Once the water cooled to the correct temperature, I added it to the powder while Bella mixed.

Reading the directions aloud, I continued, "_Keep an eye on the mixture and make sure it doesn't get too hard before you insert your penis_." Good God. I sighed, shaking my head. Where the fuck did my dignity go? Oh yes, I remember...it went down the drain with my pubes...

"_Insert your penis after 2-3 minutes. Just be sure the mixture is not too hard_."

"Jesus…" I mumbled, completely fucking humiliated as Bella deliberately scooted to the edge of the seat to show me more panty. "You're gonna slip off the toilet seat."

Bella grinned at me with this cheesy ass smile. She banged her knees together repeatedly while humming, "The things we do for love," and then suddenly slipped off the toilet seat onto the floor laughing in a heap.

"Ow. Hey….it's a mock cock!" she exclaimed proudly.

I quirked an eyebrow, watching as she rubbed her elbow and righted herself back on the seat. "That's very clever, Honey," I said patronizing her as I rolled my eyes. "You okay?"

She nodded, and I mumbled, "Spazz._While the mixture gets the right consistency, it is time for you to get erect. It might be a good idea to get some help. A magazine, girl- or boyfriend might be helpful here_. Okay baby your up," I said biting my lip. This was so fucked up.

"Okay so…do you maybe want a little strip tease?" she asked, standing up and lifting off her shirt seductively to reveal a red lace bra. "Or, should I just show you the goods right off?"

"Strip," I commanded with a smirk, as I sat on the edge of the tub. She looked amazing topless and in that short skirt and I could feel myself growing hard as I sat there. Bella bit her lip, turning around so that her back was facing me. She undid the buttons and zipper on her skirt, slowly shimmying out of it. I watched enraptured as the fabric slid down her pale legs onto the floor, revealing her sweet little ass covered in only the red lace that disappeared in between her cheeks.

"Fuck…" I groaned, feeling my cock harden into an impossible state of rigidity at the sight of her in that state of undress. She was goddamn amazing...all soft curves and creamy ivory skin against blood red lace. While it wasn't the first time I had seen her in a thong, it was a new experience for me to see her undressing seductively…and not from a fucking distance while having to peek through the goddamn trees. She was right in front of me and here I was celebrating the occasion by sticking my dick in goo.

_Do I know how to throw a party or what?_

I reached inside my bathrobe to stroke it a bit. As I did, I rubbed the leaking fluid into the head, swirling it around with the pad of my thumb. Bella gave me a little over the shoulder glance before her hands moved to unclasp her bra.

"No wait!" I yelled, forgetting completely about the next step and the whole fucking point of this ridiculousness. I slid to the sink, pouring the mixture into the cylinder, staring at it in disgust as if it had wronged me somehow.

"Come on E, just stick it in before it gets too hard," she urged with a snicker. That was something I never _ever _thought I would hear fall from her lips. I had a feeling she was enjoying this way too much.

I groaned. "Okay, okay. Once it's in, time it for one minute, Beautiful, okay?"

Bella nodded, grabbing the timer. Her job in this was basically to keep me hard while the mold solidified around me. I sat back on the edge of the tub, untying the belt on my robe. The fuzzy black fabric fell around my thighs, exposing my hardness to my half naked, slightly nutty audience of one, while I stroked myself a few times in my palm. I wasn't getting any stiffer than this.

Bella's pretty brown eyes widened, and she whimpered, "So big," taking a few steps toward me. I snickered at her amazement.

"Here goes," I muttered slipping my dick into the cylinder, feeling the gooey medium squish around my hardened, aroused dick. It was cooler and funkier than I had expected, sort of like silly putty that had been left out in the cold. Kind of fucked up, but whatever. Part of me had been excited because I was hoping it would sort of resemble being inside an actual pussy but….uh no, it didn't feel like that at fucking all.

"Does that feel good?" she asked with an honest curiosity in her voice. I heard the timer gears grind before it began to tick away.

"Nope. Feels really fucked up."

"Oh." Bella's face fell disappointed, as I assumed she was hoping it would be pleasurable for me as well. How fucking sweet was that in a totally fucked up and demented way?

At the sex shop, Bella had said she wanted the first thing that was inside her to be me. Therefore, we were going to attempt the next best thing…a vibrating rubber replica of me. Oh wait, excuse me…a _sparkly,_ vibrating rubber replica of me. I didn't think she would even follow through once it was done, and of course, that was fine with me if she backed out. But besides the intimacy reasons, it would also serve its purpose as sort of a preparation for the real thing.

She figured since from what she had heard from her girlfriends, a girl's first sexual experience was often just painful, uncomfortable and awkward. Therefore, she thought that "breaking herself in," would make our first time together more romantic. It sounded good in theory.

We both had wondered if it was considered officially losing one's virginity if it wasn't a real peen inside there. Admittedly, we Googled it, but came up dry. I thought about asking my dad, but that conversation was just too fucking weird.

God help me if anyone ever got a hold of the history on my laptop or my Amex bill. Thank God, I paid it myself.

"Come here," I said softly, giving her a smile. I leaned back into the tiled wall still perched in the edge of my never used Whirlpool tub with the cylinder of magic goo engulfing my supposed manhood. Bella walked forward only a foot or so away from me, slowly kneeling down on the nubby throw rug. She smiled, stifling a full blown laugh as her eyes darted to my putty covered crotch and then back to my eyes. Then she cocked her head to the side, waiting on her next cue. I rolled my eyes, nodding toward her bra which she then unhooked, letting the straps fall onto her shoulders. With my free hand I reached out, gently pulling the lace away from her skin.

"God, you are so fucking perfect," I hissed, feeling heat and tingles in my dick that I sincerely hoped was just a sexually fueled response to Bella's tits and not an allergic reaction the molding compound. A little whimper escaped her lips as she drew her hands up her thighs, grazing her fingertips over the ridges of her pelvic bones.

"Go ahead, touch them," I breathed, feeling distinctively deprived by this point. In spite of the fact that my cock was surrounded completely by something other than my fucking hand for once, I felt no relief against the aching need to have it stroked or licked or something. Bella brought her delicate little hands up to her breasts, cupping each of them and lightly massaging.

"Like this?" she asked softly. I moaned as I felt waves of lustful heat pierce through my cock and groin, proving that her innocence and her inexperience was quite far the biggest fucking turn on for me. Not that I was some fucking expert player or whatever, but the idea of telling her what to do strongly appealed to the control freak part of my personality.

"Yes, just like that, Beautiful. God, you are so fucking amazing. Pinch your nipples…" Bella did as I asked, biting her lip seductively while her thumbs circled each perfectly pert nipple. When she pinched down on them, she whimpered, throwing her head back in pleasure. One hand moved to graze her thigh while the other fondled her breast.

"Fuck, baby…touch yourself now…" I instructed, feeling the torturous constraint on my cock utterly fucking maddening. She sat up on her knees, slowly moving her panties down, until they were completely off. And just as her hand moved to her center, the timer went off.

"Shit!" Tugging lightly on the cylinder, the mold released pretty easily, setting my fully erect cock free. I stood the container right side up on the vanity as per the instructions, grabbing a wet towel off the sink while muttering, "Keep going, baby," to Bella.

She started touching herself while I quickly wiped my dick clean of any residue from the molding compound. With my palm closed tight around the hardened shaft, I stroked it a bit, feeling absolute relief at the contact before falling to my knees in front of her. Bella moved backward to lean against the tub while I moved forward, inches away from her naked body.

With a loud smack of skin on ceramic tile, I splayed my palm against the wall behind Bella, hovering over her while she spread open her legs and touched herself. I stroked my cock in the other hand, tugging aggressively in need of reprieve from the tension.

I growled in the ecstasy of seeing her like so vulnerable and willing. "That's it, baby touch your clit."

The feeling was predatory and feral and so fucking powerful as I dominated her tiny form while she curled herself submissively underneath me, obeying my every command. She looked up at me with wide innocent eyes and I loved her so much in that moment, for being my girl and putting up with my shit and being such a fucking trooper…and for making my body feel things that no one could even get close to how she made me fucking feel.

While I continued to fondle myself rapidly, I could see from where I was that her pussy was very wet and that turned me on impossibly more, causing my dick to swell almost to the pint of being painful. Little whimpers escaped her lips, light and breathy; obviously showing that she was heavily aroused. My robe fell to the floor around me, while I stroked harder and faster feeling the impending release ready to burst. I knew Bella wasn't even close, but I also knew that I would help her get off after I came.

When she looked up again, I leaned my face into hers, millimeters from her lips, feeling the warmth of her breath brush over my mouth.

"I fucking love you," I said through gritted teeth, trying to explain to her that she was everything to me. Part of me wanted to just say fuck it, and give in to both of our desires and touch her and please her and make her come with my own fucking fingers. But I was so goddamn scared. I needed to kiss that mouth and feel her tongue inside of me, mingling with my own, but I knew there would be no fucking way I could stop myself or Bella for that matter because she was proving to need it and crave it just as much as I did, and I couldn't…I just couldn't…

The red polish on her nails circling her clit had me entranced, my eyes following her every move. The two of us were breathing heavily, panting and whimpering with our respective strokes and passes along swollen wet skin and wanting so much more than we were allowed to give.

Once the crimson tip of her nail disappeared inside of her flesh, her shoulders lumped forward and she moaned as she fingered herself in rapid movements. The sight of that was enough to make whatever bit of restraint or composure I had left go to complete shit.

"Fuck…I'm gonna…cum…" I let out a strained scream, relishing in the surge of complete depletion of the pressure that had been caged inside of me. My chest heaved, still hovering over her, as I panted out the last of my release.

As hard as I tried to contain the emerging streams, I had my eyes closed shut while I came. I realized that the liquid dripped from my hand all over Bella's breasts and stomach. I was fucking appalled that I jizzed all over my sweet girl.

"Shit, Love, I'm sorry…" I moved the sink, washing my hands as quickly as possible while warming the water over a facecloth. When I brought it back to her, to clean Bella's skin, she was flushed and still had her fingers inside of her, though her hand was stilled. As I carefully wiped off her skin muttering my most sincere apologies, she swiped a finger over the last creamy wet spot on the swell of her breast and put it into her mouth to taste. When she smiled, I sat back on my heels, taking her in enraptured and in awe of her. She was fucking amazing.

"E?" she said softly. "I brought the um…purple vibrator with me. It's in my bag. Do you think maybe we could…" she didn't even have to say another word and my ass was hauled across the bathroom into my bedroom, rummaging through her wasteland of a purse for the damn vibrator. She had it in a satin drawstring storage bag which I didn't realize had probably come with it.

I threw on a pair of boxer briefs because I didn't particularly enjoy walking around with my bald and flaccid cock just swinging all over the place. Once I retrieved the little tool, I placed one of the accessory heads on it, turned the power switch on and then off again before slipping it over my pointer finger.

While leaning against the bathroom doorway, I suggestively beckoned her to come to me with the little rabbit head atop my finger. Bella's face spread into a wry grin, as she picked herself off the floor and brushed past me to flop on her back on my bed. I unzipped her boots, carefully peeling off her black and white striped Wicked Witch of the West or whatever the fuck direction that bitch flew socks, and watched as she drew her legs up, placing her bare feet flat on the bedspread with her knees pressed together. Her eyes were alight with anticipation while at the same time, I though I may have seen a slight indication of consternation flicker through them.

"Are you ready to feel fucking awesome, Baby?" I said, trying to reassure her while not allowing her reason to back down. I was selfish in that I wanted her to feel amazing, for her just as much as for myself. Personally, I needed to know that this shit would work, and that I could somehow please her and keep her satisfied while adhering to the rules of my fucking restraining order. I needed to know, that as a man, I would be able to make Bella happy and that this would finally offer me a slight reprieve from the perpetual state of uselessness and inadequacy I felt being called her boyfriend.

As I flicked the switch on, sitting comfortably between Bella's wide spread legs, I moaned at the sight of her like this. Her hands rested lazily on her stomach, and I knew it would be a better experience for her if they were in a different position.

"Put your hands up over your head, Beautiful," I instructed. Without batting an eye, she did as I asked without question, completely trusting me. I fucking loved it. I may not have entirely deserved her trust, but she gave it to me nevertheless.

My tongue darted out against my lips as I placed the gently buzzing vibrator along her inner thigh, dragging it slowly…achingly slowly to her center as I glanced between her bare breasts and her eyes. Bella's eyes grew wide while her lips parted into a little o, her eyes lids fluttering shut as the vibrator got closer to her wetness. I touched the bunny ear to her swollen clit and her body jerked as a gasp left her mouth.

Bella's eyes were intense and smoldering, telling me without words that she wanted more. And so I gave her more, pressing the vibe to her clit again but making small circles against her skin.

"Fuck…fuck…shit…" Bella grunted and gasped as the vibrator brought her to orgasm in like three seconds. The line of her neck as her head arched back into the bed…open and exposed, left me wanting to suck on it ravenously as I had done after the concert. The feel of her heated skin on my tongue and pierced between my teeth had left me craving more of her, wanting desperately and hungrily to claim her body as my own. She still had faint reddened tracks left from where my teeth sucked her skin, marking her as mine.

_Mine._

Bella's clenched hands balled up the comforter above her head and I tried not to obsess over the two fist sized wrinkled spots that would be left as evidence of her pleasure…the pleasure that I gave her. It was then that I decided that she could wrinkle the shit out of anything she fucking wanted if it meant she would get off.

She continued to curse and thrash around underneath my finger that was barely touching her. I pulled it away temporarily so that she could get some respite for the intensity. Eventually, it subsided, and her breathing returned to normal. She licked her lips and met my gaze. I smiled at her, ignoring my raging hard on that was practically burning in my underwear…this was about her…all about her.

"Do you want more?" I asked, raising the bunny up enticingly.

She nodded her head vehemently. "Edward…can you…put it inside?"

I felt my body almost collapse inward on itself at her words as my cock twitched and I felt moisture from my slit leaking onto my underwear. Quickly, I removed the bunny head to reveal the plain, rounded tip. I clicked the vibrating motions off, knowing that she would probably need this to be done slowly, considering that she had never had anything in there before besides her own little finger. She was wet enough that I wasn't concerned about lubricant, as all the vibrator packages warned about using. She sucked in a breath and I brushed it between her glistening lips, grazing the length of her opening before sliding the tip inside of her an inch or so.

"Wow…" she gasped. I pushed it inside her a little more, feeling her tightness clench around the plastic surrounding my finger. She was more than fucking tight…she was hermetically fucking sealed for freshness or some shit.

"Baby, relax…take deep breaths and let yourself go. If it gets uncomfortable, I'll stop. Just think of it like my finger inside of you and let me make you feel good, okay?" She nodded, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. I felt her insides unclench and relax, allowing my finger to inch forward a little more. Once I was as far as it would let me go, I pulled out a little and then pushed back in, just as I would have been doing if it was my bare finger. She gasped and moaned, bucking her hips up off the bed.

"You like this?" I asked, my eyes boring into hers with intensity unmatched and my libido was about to shatter. "You like when I fuck you like this? Just wait baby, wait until it's my fingers inside of you. I am so looking forward to feeling you come around me…"

She moaned long and breathy, pulsing her hips upward trying to push against the vibrator inside of her. "Oh God, it feel so good, go faster...please, E."

Moving closer to her, I angled my finger so that it pointed upward, hoping to hit her g-spot. She yelped, fisting the comforter again and then, as she began to orgasm, I turned the vibrating mechanism on.

The second the tremors hit her insides, she exploded, thrashing and screaming like a wild banshee. Her hair was in long tangles around her face and her skin was flushed pink, a thin sheen of sweat glistening between her breasts. She begged me to stop, and I didn't want to because I loved having the power to make her feel good. When I pulled the vibrator out of her, she rolled onto her side, curling her body into a ball and her chest heaved in throaty raspy breaths. I pulled the covers over her, saddened by the visual loss of her perfection, but not quite sure if she needed time alone afterward.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, tentatively. She shook her head yes and began to giggle. Relief washed over me, taunting me to playfully smack her ass for making me worried.

"I. Am. Fucking. Amazing."

"Good," I said, sliding off the bed. "It means everything to me to know that I can make you feel that way, even if it isn't really me doing it, you know?"

"I love you, Edward," she said softly.

"I love you, Baby. Okay, I'm going to go make my mock cock, now. If that's the reaction you have with a stupid vibrator, just wait until you have _me _inside of you. Your head is gonna explode." I snickered, and walked into the bathroom with a cocky smile.

Just twenty four hours later, I pulled out the vibrating rubber dildo from the mold, flesh colored and sparkly… an otherwise perfect replica of me down to the fucking veins in the shaft and the slit in the swollen head. I examined it carefully, holding it up comparatively against the real thing. Admittedly, I was genuinely impressed by the remarkable authenticity that the package promised.

Bella took one look at it, all wide eyed and filled with the wonderment a young virgin feels upon seeing her boyfriend's penis perfectly preserved in a silicone replica to last until the end of time. She rubbed it against her cheek as though it were a kitten or some shit, and whispered, "Thank you, Edward."

"My pleasure, Love." It was the least I could do. I couldn't give her much, but if that was what she wanted than that was what she got.

Proud and smug as a fucking bastard, I silently wondered if Judge Aro ever thought in a million years that I, Edward Anthony Masen, "piece of shit –spoiled rich kid -date rapist extraordinaire," would have found a way around his shitty unfucking fair bullshit regulations. He may have tried to take away my life but in actuality, he inadvertently gave me the best thing I could have asked for. A sweet, beautiful, amazing girl that loved me fiercely regardless of my many shortcomings.

_Fuck you Aro._

My girl's gonna get off on my cock…and I'll never even have to fucking touch her.

_Judge that, you prick motherfucker._

**~%~**

**Have we found some forgiveness for our beloved E? **

**BTW, the Create A Mate Kit is real. For just $59.99 you can get yourself a Mock Cock, or a Mock Twat (yes there's one for the ladies too!) **


	24. Chapter 24 My Christmas Wish

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **** Thanks to Becca for proofing and to Suzy for your brilliance and your loveliness. **

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 24~ My Christmas Wish**

**I've been good as I could be  
Hope that Santa does agree  
I'd be happy if he grants my list  
You are my Christmas wish**

What my heart wants can't be bought  
'Cause you are my only thought  
You will know when you hear this  
You are my Christmas wish

**Brenda Terzian~ My Christmas Wish**

**~Bella~**

The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I shivered in the expectancy of his sudden close proximity. My body physiologically reacted to him in that way, and I wondered if it was just because we hardly ever touched. His warm breath tickled my earlobe as he whispered, "What are you smiling at?"

Edward leaned over toward me just as Mr. Banner turned his back to the classroom, intent on further exacerbating his student's carpal tunnel symptoms. I wiped the smirk off my face shaking my head, copying down endless notes on a subject that would never be used beyond the doors of the classroom and forgotten from our memories the minute the chapter advanced. Mitochondria…like we gave a fuck.

Edward rummaged through my back pack, obviously looking for my hamburger pad so he could slip me a note. Once he found it, he scrawled his pen over the surface and slid it toward me.

_My peen?_

I wrote back, _Don't flatter yourself there, Stud. I was smiling about your Christmas present._

He slipped the paper toward me again after he read it.

_You got my peen a Christmas present? Damn... he didn't get you anything. _

_Yes, he did…he gave me the gift of cloned perfection…but no, I wasn't thinking about the peen…sorry, baby._

His face fell and he scowled, dutifully going back to his notes. It was a downright lie. I was actually thinking about the kiss up against the wall the night of the club, which whenever my mind began to wander, I found myself there, being rubbed up against and groped and loving it, and regretting making him stop, because that is all I wanted these days…the ability and the freedom to do whatever the hell we wanted, whenever the hell we wanted to do it.

_The boy has mad skills when it comes to rubbing up against me in a fit of torrid lust just to make a point._

That being said, the business card had sat on my desk for more than a week until I had scrounged up enough nerve to call the number. He remembered who I was immediately, which made me feel kind of dirty, but flattered in a demented way. As I explained what I needed to Old Pervy Attorney Grandpa Frank from the Snow White party, he questioned my supposed hypothetical situation, but answered me with what I needed in legal layman's terms and what I was undoubtedly hoping to hear- I would not get into trouble for making contact with Charlotte, unless I repeatedly harassed her, threatened her or harmed her in any way. I had no intention of doing any of those. I just wanted to talk to her.

_Score one for the pervy lawyer. He actually put my mind at ease, if only for a little while._ It turned out he was actually very helpful and knowledgeable and thankfully, he didn't ask too many questions as to why I needed this sort of info. He asked me again if I wanted to date a sexy grandpa and I reminded him that he was indeed on a telephone with a minor. He chuckled and told me to call anytime I needed any help.

Jasper gave me Charlotte's last name all too willingly when I told him I just wanted to see what she looked like. It wasn't a complete untruth, I was curious about her physical aspects, but what I really wanted to do was look her up to see how I could find her once I got to Chicago. I hit up her Facebook page, which I was very surprised was made public. I couldn't be a hundred percent sure that it was_ the_ Charlotte Harris that ruined Edward's life, but she was the right age, and she was blonde and well, I fucking hated her.

I Googled her too, but there wasn't much but some newspaper article about her winning some citizen's award at school, which I had to scoff at simply because of the nature of the situation. I was determined to find this girl, whether I had to deal with her in person, or by written word…_something _had to be done. Truthfully, I was scared as fuck to confront her, but there was really no other option. What I was most fearful of happening, was that inadvertently, it would get Edward into trouble, and he would hate me for it. But it was a chance I felt was necessary to take, because Edward deserved a life more than what he had. The idea of speaking to her in person made me physically ill, so I tried not to think about it.

On the day the two week holiday break from school started, Edward was headed to Port Angeles for some last minute shopping with Em and Jasper. He and I had done most of our shopping online and on a day trip to Seattle, but he said he needed to pick something up in town. Since we were all flying out the following morning, Charlie thought it would be a good idea if I had dinner with him and Maggie, and the Cullens could pick me up at her place on their way to the airport. I felt guilty protesting the idea, because I would be spending a whole week with E, but I hated being without him, even for a day.

Because I didn't want to put a dent in my savings with the expense of Christmas gifts, I had been working both days of the weekend up until we left. Billy assigned me double holiday parties dressed as a semi- sexy Mrs. Claus, an elf, and once even Frosty the Snowman, which if I thought about the smell of the inside costume, I would become nauseous beyond comprehension. It was evident, that the last person to use it had been tipping back the egg nog while on the job, and the faint smell of previous Holiday party vomit was vile beyond imagination.

_Frosty the Snowman was a very happy soul, indeed._

Billy had been so over booked, that when he asked me if I had a friend that would like a part time gig, I immediately offered up Alice. She was so at home at the parties and such a natural with the kids, that she was requested for like ten future birthday parties. Billy added her to the payroll, and Alice quit her diner job all together. She was happier than a pig in shit and making triple in two days what she was making in five. Jasper was elated because he didn't have to wait around for her shifts to end during the week, any more, though her weekends were pretty much shot.

He understood that the job took a lot of pressure off Alice and her mom and that made her happier so Jasper was happier. He tried..._a lot_...to help her financially by offering to pay for things she was savings towards...a new purse or her car insurance and stuff, but Mary Alice Brandon was a proud independent woman. At least that was the message she attempted to convey before she jammed her tongue down his throat.

Being around Santa Claus so much, I sort of made it habit to pop a squat on his lap and silently make a wish for the one and only thing I wanted for Christmas this year…and it was not the boots, though I really did want them, but not nearly as much as I wanted Edward.

I kept asking God for some kind of divine intervention, but he was obviously reluctant to assist, so I moved on to Santa. Since I had known about Edward's situation, I had made it a habit of throwing coins in fountains and wishing wells, and once on a shooting star and sometimes when the digital clock read three of the same digits and when we drove over railroad tracks... It didn't matter, really. Edward and I even pulled apart the wish bone from Thanksgiving, both wishing for the same thing, though we argued about canceling each other out, but it was always the same wish…hope for Edward's freedom. I was desperate.

I figured that if I spoke my wish aloud..."Dear Santa...all I want for Christmas is for my boyfriend to be able to feel me up"...that it might bring on more questions and raise a few more red flags than I was able to handle. So I kept my list short, simple and silent. Plus, most of the Santa's I ran across were either half doused on Egg nog or just too frigging old to give a shit...so it served both our purposes. Me-I got a Christmas wish and them, well… they got a cute little elf on their lap. It was a win -win situation.

When we got to my house after a complete waste of a school day due to the complete shut down of the students anticipating break, Charlie was there, packing up some high tech equipment into a duffle bag at the kitchen table. He greeted us unusually coolly, still brooding over my impending trip to Chicago, and evidently over the fact that two huge boxes from my mother had arrived earlier.

Clapping and squealing in excitement, I lunged at them with a knife, knowing that they were bound to be filled with new clothes and shoes, in which box number one certainly was. The other box, to my surprise, contained nothing but Dodgers memorabilia. I rummaged through the contents wide eyed, not letting Edward see, though he was very curious. With a smirk, I held up a little pink baseball tee shirt with the number seventeen emblazoned on the front of it, whose obvious intent was for me. There was one for Rose and Alice as well.

Edward's smile faded into something akin to trepidation, once he realized that the box was brimming with baseball stuff. My father peered into the box, grumbling in protest about that shit being in his house and mumbling something about the Dodgers sucking ass, particularly their catcher.

Edward rolled his eyes playfully as he looked inside, visibly taking a deep breath before he pulled out the signed team ball encased in collector's glass. He said nothing at all, and barely touched any of the items inside, seeming fearful that they would spark some sort of bad memory or something, I couldn't quite tell. But as I walked away to go change, I watched him pull out a ball with a team logo printed on it, and the smirk that feathered at his lips when he squeezed it in his palm made my heart shudder.

He did this cool maneuver where he literally popped the baseball off his forearm then caught it in his hand. It was so God damn sexy I almost lost it. I watched as he shut his eyes shut for just a brief second while he palmed the baseball before he placed the ball back in the box, carefully shutting the lid.

_So much for that inspirational idea. It was worth a shot._

Edward helped me drag my suitcase down the stairs and haul it into Charlie's SUV.

"Here," I said when we went back inside, pushing a box out from under the dilapidated Charlie Brown one branched tree my father had set up in the den. "Here's an early present. It was too big to bring on the plane." Edward's eyes grew wide as he slid his fingers under the festive wrapping. When the first glimpse of the writing on the box caught his eye, he broke into laughter, shaking his head.

"You know me so fucking well, B," he beamed with a huge smile. _He liked it. "_I actually was going to buy one, but I never got around to it. Thank you so much."

"It's a professional one and it heats up in fifteen seconds and doesn't leave those shiny marks when you press too hard. I mean, it's not the most romantic gift, but I thought you would like it since ironing gives you some weird satisfaction."

"I love it and I want to kiss you right now," he said softly, meeting my eyes.

"Next year…or the year after, rather," I said with a sad smile. Attempting to shift the focus, I handed him a piece of paper with Maggie's address on it, so he would know where to get me in the morning. We said our quiet goodbyes in the chill of the front porch, and I watched Edward's beautiful form disappear through his front door with his brand new garment steamer in hand.

I drove with Charlie to Seattle that afternoon, dealing with his grunts and irritated silence on the subject of Phil and his blasphemous baseball paraphernalia, and the fact that I would spending a week with my boyfriend. Maggie had prepared an elaborate dinner for us, which I devoured gratefully, not having a home cooked meal by anyone other than myself in a long time. After dessert, we exchanged gifts under her Christmas tree, listening to holiday songs and laughing about the fact that Maggie returned everything my father got for me and exchanged it with much cooler items. I was truly appreciative of that, and even though I really liked Maggie, I missed my mom terribly.

When the doorbell rang at seven am, I jumped up eagerly off my place on the couch, ready and waiting for Edward. My father kissed my forehead and embraced me in a hug as though he was sending me off to get married or something. Edward shook Charlie's hand wishing him a Merry Christmas and thanking him for letting me accompany him to Chicago. It was sweet.

I smiled as the driver of the black stretch limo took the huge suitcase from Edward, loading it into the trunk with the rest of the family's luggage. Once we boarded the plane, seated comfortably in First Class, Edward pulled out his lap top so we could watch a movie. It wasn't long into the flight when we hit some turbulence and Emmett turned around in the seat in front of us, begging his father to switch with him. Carlisle huffed, removed his seatbelt, and crossed the aisle so that Emmett could sit next to Esme…_because he was scared. _

I smirked, trying hard not to let him see, because it was so damn amusing watching this big jockey guy holding his mother's hand and wincing every time there was the slightest knock in the air. I did have a lot of nerve because I was afraid of thunderstorms, after all, but still…it was damn funny.

When the captain announced that we would be landing in about thirty minutes, I heard Edward inhale and exhale, giving me a meek smile, which was obviously nothing but an attempt to placate me. I could feel the tension and anxiety rolling off him in waves. He was doing that thing where he was rubbing circles in his palms, so I knew he was trying no to lose it.

I asked him if he was okay and he just nodded, leaning over the seat in front of him, whispering something to his father. As Carlisle discreetly handed him a pill, Edward whined, "Half? Dad come on…"

When his father refused to give him the full pill, Edward irritatedly took a long swing of water to swallow the half of the Xanax he was allotted, sitting back in the seat with a pout. He played with the hem of his shirt, looking sad and anxious and forlorn even. "Being back here is weird…I'm trying to keep it together. I'm sorry…"

I nodded. "Don't apologize…It's going to be okay, you'll see."

He smiled, meeting my gaze with sad eyes. "I'm so glad you're here with me, B."

So was I.

I could tell he desperately needed a hug, but instead I just whispered that I loved him. He reached out and grabbed the scarf I had on, winding it through his fingers and that seemed to make things temporarily better.

We drove to Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's lake front home in another stretch limo, this one being gray. Edward fell asleep on the way there, presumably because the pill had kicked in, or it could have been that he was pretending so that he didn't have to see the city once we passed through. Obviously, it was traumatic for him to be home.

They greeted us warmly at the door, holding each other's hands. They were both such good looking people in their early sixties, young and vibrant…not like the stereotypical images of grandparents I had in my head. They were both graying slightly, but life had treated them well, as neither of them wore hardly a wrinkle or any apparent sign of old age.

Edward's grandmother hugged each of the boys, but she held Edward the longest, holding him tightly, as he placed his cheek endearingly at the top of her head. I could immediately that he was more relaxed and less edgy by this point, and I wondered if it was the meds, his grandma's hug or both. She gave me one glance, and insisted I call her Gran when I reached out my hand to her. Instead, she hugged me too and welcomed me into her home.

The house was gorgeous…warm and bright and cheery with accents of lit Christmas decorations filling the large open rooms. Straight through to the sunken living room, the large patio overlooking the lake was visible, making mornings here likely to be breathtaking. I was looking forward to that very much.

Emmett, Jasper, and Edward barely had themselves inside the door when they were yelling and shoving each other out of the way to get to the staircase. In the scuttle, Jasper tumbled down a few stairs, only to yell, "Do not take the fire truck, fuckers…it's mine!"

Esme yelled, "Language!" They had been warned several times on the way over to keep their behavior respectable and their language clean. I suppose some habits were hard to break.

A fading but genuine, "Sorry Mom," came from Jasper as he disappeared up the stair case.

Gramps muttered, "Jesus Christ," with an amused chuckle. "Are they ever going to grow up?"

Esme laughed, nodding for me to go on ahead upstairs. Though the house was huge, the boys weren't difficult to find, as all I had to do was follow the noise. Making my way down the long hall, I paused inside the doorway of a large bedroom where I found Emmett laying with his hands behind his head lazily on an adult sized police car bed, and Jasper doing the same next to him on his fire truck shaped bed. Edward was on his side, head propped up on his elbow lying in a giant red Ferrari. The entire room was custom decorated for oversized five year olds, and by the unashamed, yet satisfied looks on their faces, they loved it.

Before anyone could stop me, I pulled out my phone, snapped a pic of the three of them in their childhood bliss, and sent the pics to Rose and Alice. Em and Jasper got immediate calls from their respective girlfriends, scolding them for not calling once they landed. I felt bad, because they should have been here too.

Once I got settled into my room and unpacked, I brought all the wrapped gifts downstairs to put under the tree as instructed by Edward. He showed me the rest of the house, the yard and the gardens, and the den with the ping pong table that he assured me he would kick my ass at eventually. I had no doubt of that, but it would still be amusing to watch him do something athletic, if you could even call ping pong a sport.

We walked down to the lake, shivering as the icy wind bit our faces while watching the few ducks frolicking in the water who had forgotten to fly south. We discreetly smoked cigarettes at the shoreline, burying the butts in the mud and talked about how anxious it made Edward feel to be back home. He said being at his grandparent's house was comforting though and he promised not to ruin the trip with his bullshit. I thought the statement was ridiculous, but since the night after the concert, Edward had been overly cautious with his words around me and a little self deprecating.

I thought it was his way of repenting for his sins against me…and it was so unnecessary. Though I appreciated him trying to make up for being an inconsiderate douche, it was getting to the point where it was on the verge of annoying me. I had made it clear that I had forgiven him, but I thought that maybe his behavior proved that he had not yet forgiven himself.

I didn't sleep well that night, being in an unfamiliar place with a big king sized bed and fluffy down linens swarming around me. There were so many noises and peculiar sounds coming from the water outside, it kept me up and awake for hours until I finally got out of bed, threw on Edward's blue hoodie that I had stolen earlier and went down to the kitchen to get some water. As I padded through the kitchen on tip toe, the wood floors were cold even through my socks, making me wish I had brought my ugly pink slippers. I was too embarrassed to wear them in public, especially to Edward's grandparent's house.

My mother had given them to me when we left Charlie, because she didn't want me to walk around barefoot on the hotel floors. I had kept them as a reminder that things could change at any moment, turning a perfectly content life upside down at a moments notice. They were worn and sort of dirty even though I washed them all the time, and they were about two sizes too small. But they represented the time in my life when I was faced with a reality that I didn't want to deal with, and by all rights, shouldn't have had to at such a young age. Leaving my father and my friends and my home and my school…sacrificing all of what I had to fulfill someone else's dreams and not being given a choice about it. I suppose I was still somewhat bitter and maybe even a little resentful of that.

The only lights on in the house were coming from the softly illuminated Christmas tree in the den. The huge tree was the kind that they would set up in the department stores- perfectly designed and uniform, with a theme and a color scheme, beads and ribbons and bows and non- blinking white lights all underneath a sparkly gold star. I stood at the top of the stairs for a moment, feeling strange and small in this big unfamiliar house, and sad at the same time, not really knowing why.

"Hey."

"Jesus Christ!" I said, throwing my hand over my mouth, as to not wake up the whole house. "You scared me!" In the reflection of the glass doors, I could see Edward curled up on the couch that had its back facing me. He sat up, pulling a Christmassy plaid flannel blanket over him.

Sitting on the opposite side of the couch from him, I drew my knees up to my chin, taking an end of the blanket with me, tenting it over our bodies. It was so warm under the blanket and it smelled like Edward's fabric softener, making me feel the instant comfort of home.

"Dude, your hair is completely insane right now," I laughed, pointing to the poufy, disheveled madness that was sitting on top of his head. He ran a hand through it, shrugging his shoulders in acquiescence.

"Does it make me look less sexy?" He pursed his lips giving me an arched eyebrow for effect.

"Um…it makes you look like a deranged serial killer."

Edward squinted as he examined himself in the reflection of the glass combing through the pouf.

"Fuck… I look a little like Charles Manson," he mumbled.

"I told you. Just forget about it…it's hopeless." I myself, had swirled my own hair into a bun to trap it and keep the giganticness at bay. Edward, on the other hand...not so much.

He shrugged, chuckling to himself. "Rapist, murderer…should I go steal Jasper's weed and add thief to the list?"

"That's so not funny, E," I scolded tersely, wanting to smack him for the remark.

"I thought it was funny."

I shook my head, biting the inside of my cheek.

"So…couldn't sleep, huh?" he said, leaning back into the arm of the couch.

I nodded. "Weird sounds outside. Plus, I was a little anxious."

"Oh yeah, what about?" he asked softly, cocking his head to the side.

"Well to be honest, I think it was your anxiety that was making me edgy. It's almost as if I take on your stress and your moods sometimes."

He looked genuinely surprised. "Wow, really? That happens a lot to me with you too. I wonder if all couples do that, or if we're special."

I shrugged my shoulders, smiling. "Probably all couples do that in some form, but I'd like to think we're special anyway. Like you know if you cut off one sense and another becomes heightened? Well, maybe we can feel each other's emotions better because we don't have the physical part."

Edward looked at me curiously, nodding his head. "Smart and beautiful. How did I get so fucking lucky?"

"Smart, beautiful and…you forgot to mention my great rack," I said, jutting out my chest.

"How could I forget?" Edward smirked, smacking himself on the forehead. "It is a fucking great rack." He made squeezing motions with his hands while he stared at my breasts. "Hey…you didn't happen to bring _it_ with you?"

"What?" I asked, "Your Mini Me?" I giggled, thinking about the Clone a Bone we had made. "No, I wasn't about to let you deflower me at your grandparents house."

"Mini Me?" he questioned with a quirked eyebrow. "There's nothing _mini_ about me, thank you very much. Why don't you uh…let me take a peek at one of those bad boys? Or both…" He nodded to my chest.

"No way!" I whispered. "What if your grandpa came out and saw my boobs? Then what?"

Edward smirked quirking a very cocky eyebrow at me. "He would say I have great taste, that's what. Come on, baby…it's Christmas!" He did that pouty lip thing which was my ultimate kryptonite.

_Must resist…_

I clicked my tongue on the roof of my mouth and rolled my eyes. "You are such a boy."

"Come on, please? I'll give you an early present if you give me a sneak peek." He smirked, knowing that he had me. Damn him!

Placing my finger to my chin in thought, I contemplated this for a moment., before I said, "Deal."

_I am a gift whore, I can not lie._

I fingered the hem of the sweatshirt tentatively. "Wait...go get the present first."

Edward huffed, as he slunk off the couch to the tree, rummaging around underneath until he pulled out my gift. He moved the box toward me before snatching it back. "One boob, then the gift."

Rolling my eyes and huffing, I lifted the blue fleece of my shirt, to reveal one bare breast. Edward's eyes widened as he stared, licking his lips as my nipple perked up from the sudden loss of warmth under its cozy fleece home. "Oh dear sweet Lord…that is beautiful. You could have just stuck a bow on that, and it would have been the perfect Christmas gift."

He placed the box gently in my lap as I righted my shirt. "_Now_ you tell me, after I lugged around that stupid four hundred pound steamer all over the mall," I teased, sliding my fingers under the perfectly creased paper. "How long did this take to wrap?"

Edward chuckled, running his hands through his chaotic hair again. "Seriously? Like a fucking hour and an entire roll of paper. My mom was pissed. This OCD shit is ridiculous I know, but I just couldn't leave it messy. I kept trying to get the designs to line up over the crease and there was this stupid grid on the back of the paper that kept fucking me up and...well, I took so much time with the inside so…" his voice trailed off, as the paper fell into my lap.

_He was nervous and rambling…_

I opened the paper outer carton, pulling out a jewelry box of some sort. It was black and shiny, shaped like a treasure chest, adorned with pink crystals in swirly patterns. It was so beautiful and very _me_.

"Um…it's an antique. The lady in the shop said it was from the nineteen thirties. One of the stones in missing in the back, but you can't see it unless you are looking for it. Open it up."

"Edward…it's so pretty," I said in awe. When I lifted the lid, honestly, I was expecting jewelry or something of that nature. What I got was a million billion times better. I gazed at him questioningly as I picked up one of the perfectly cut strips of pink paper, with phrases written on them in Edward's girlie cursive.

_The way your smile lights up a room…_

I picked up another.

_The butterflies I get in my stomach when I see you first thing in the morning…_

"It's all the things I treasure about you. I know it's corny, but… my mom said there are three kinds of girls in the world…ones who want the biggest bouquet of red roses from the best florist, ones who want wildflowers picked from the side of the road, and ones prefer a rose made from a twisted tissue because they would just rather have something that took some effort. You are a little of all three, and the other stuff I got you is just like…material stuff, so I wanted to give you something…I don't know…from my heart... I guess?" Edward smiled shyly, seeming a little embarrassed. "It's fucking corny, I know," he mumbled under his breath.

It was the best gift I had ever gotten- ever.

_The way you never hide your intelligence or deliberately play dumb…_

_The fact that you aren't afraid to eat like a pig in front of me…_

_The way you take care of me…_

I was so moved by the gesture and the fact that he made this from pure love, it was more than overwhelming and I couldn't find the words that expressed how much it meant to me. The time it took to not only cut the papers perfectly, but the thought he put into each sentiment was so sweet and thoroughly genuine. I suppose I could have been somewhat insulted by the flower analogy, but it was entirely true, so I had to give Edward credit for really knowing me.

"E? Can… I…hug you?" I asked softly, hoping that he wouldn't reject my advance. His teeth raked over his bottom lip slowly. When he nodded and smiled, I sat up and launched myself into his lap; arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder. His skin was warm and soft and he smelled all soapy with the faint scent of his cologne and powdery fabric softener and it was heaven. I nuzzled my nose into his neck placing a tiny kiss under his ear. He sighed into my forehead as his arms tightened around my waist.

I drew in a deep breath, whispering, "I love you," against his skin. Edward leaned his head into mine, kissing my hair and running his hands up my back. It was so little yet so much. He signed, holding on tightly. It was a happy sigh for sure.

He kissed my head again, whispering, "I love you too, baby. Now show me the other boob."

I don't remember anything after that, just waking up in my bed to the smell of French toast and cooking bacon flooding the sun drenched room. I showered quickly and dressed, putting on a little makeup and engaging in a full on battle with my hairdryer and brush. My hair was completely out of control. It was huge and so full of body, that I had to wrangle it up into a ponytail and even then, it was a giant mass of curly poof.

When I emerged from the bathroom, Edward was lying on my bed looking all hot-boy sexy in a fitted navy thermal and jeans. He was wearing a White Sox baseball hat with the brim tipped down almost covering his face. He lifted the brim and smirked.

"Don't make fun of my hair, please. It's out of control, and I don't know why," I whined, pulling on my black Ugg boots that Edward hated.

He sat up on his elbows. "It's the water here. It will calm down in a few days." He lifted his hat off to show me his own giant poufy hair surprisingly undisturbed under the weight of his cap. I doubled over in laughter as he slid the hat back on, rolling his eyes and chuckling. "Come on, Gran made breakfast, and I am dying to eat real bacon not made from tofu."

Breakfast was what you would expect a family of eight to be like…loud, obnoxious and so full of love and laughter, I could hardly contain my emotions. I was the only child of two only children. I had no aunts or uncles, brothers or sisters, cousins, or even grandparents. Dinners, special occasions and holidays consisted of my mother and myself and Phil, or me and Charlie at some lame restaurant.

This was a tremendous deal for me to be a part of. It was also for the fact, that when we were around people in big gatherings like this, I felt some sense of normalcy with Edward, like I really was his girlfriend in every way. We wouldn't normally be demonstrating any public displays of affection, so it made me feel less pressured to do so.

Surprisingly, the boys were all able to contain their behavior as well as their foul language for the duration of the meal.

Immediately after breakfast, I went down into the den to take a look outside. The sun was glinting off the water, creating a sparkling effect that was just beautiful. I imagined what it would be like to sip a cup of coffee out there, curled in a chair enjoying in the warm summer air, before the world woke up. Edward stood by my side taking in the scenery with me seeming to relish in it as much as I did.

As we settled in front of the television, we both heard Jasper ask if he could borrow someone's car to go visit some friends. Gramps tossed him the keys to Gran's Lexus, reminding him that he was under no circumstances to go near the south side of Chicago due to heightened gang activity and he was entirely responsible for the car should something detrimental happen. He and Edward exchanged some words discreetly, and then Jasper and Emmett left together.

I knew instinctively that the nature of their dialogue and Jasper's supposed intent was definitely secretive and downright shady. When I asked where Jasper was really going, Edward was reluctant to answer. With great consternation Edward said, "They are going to get weed, and then…they're meeting some people at our old hangout."

I quirked an eyebrow, obviously knowing that there was more to it. "So what's he being all secretive about?"

He sighed, giving me a small smile. "Emily's probably going to be there. Jasper's concerned that he might…I don't know…still have some feelings for her when he sees her." My heart sank with dread at that thought. It hurt me to know he would do anything malicious to Alice, particularly after proclaiming that he loved her. It was incredibly shitty on Jasper's part and the whole thing soured my mood for the rest of the day. Edward reassured me that Jasper wasn't going to do anything with Emily, because she had cut him from her life, and almost assuredly moved on. And, Jasper was head over heels for Alice.

Still…I was experiencing some definite aggravation over the whole ex thing…it rang an unpleasant bell with me.

Edward and I watched a Christmas movie with the grownups, discussing baby names afterward when Esme mentioned that she liked the name Victoria. Personally, I hated the name, and I couldn't exactly pinpoint why… However, when she mentioned Jessica as a possibility Edward and I both adamantly vetoed it.

Jasper returned several hours later giving Edward a nod, to which he got off the couch motioning for me to follow him. We sat on the racecar bed, which by the way, was fucking awesome…while Jasper told us how he saw Emily at the arcade, and he absolutely felt nothing romantic for her whatsoever. The fact that he was so excited about the revelation made me wonder if it was something he had been stressing over, and that troubled me.

But Emily was his first love and from what I hear, you never really get over your first love. I told him it was a good thing, because I would have kicked his bony ass if he came home feeling otherwise. He called Alice right after that, walking out of the room for privacy, but we could hear him gushing over her when she answered, proving that Jasper Cullen did indeed have a heart after all.

Emmett was pretty excited about seeing some of his old friends, though he did say that the two guys that he really wanted to meet up with had gone away with their families. I asked Edward if he wanted to see anyone in particular, and he just looked forlorn, telling me, "No one gives a shit about me, B. When I left, I doubt anyone even noticed." He did add that the ones he really would have liked to see…his teammates that were older than him and sort of mentors; had since graduated and moved on.

That response killed me making me sorry I had asked in the first place.

Later that afternoon, the four of us were in the boy's room lying on their transportation themed beds listening to music and bored out of our fucking minds. I drove the fire truck for like a minute, ringing the bell and then played with the lights on Em's police car, but it lost its novelty within a few seconds simply because I was after all, the daughter of an ex cop- so it was sort of a been there done that situation.

We made a unanimous decision to go bowling after dinner, sans grownups, because we were all jonsing for the weed Jasper was holding. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I was resigned to the fact that I would most certainly be made fun of once they saw my horrific lack of bowling skills. I knew Edward was uneasy with going out especially with me in tow, but he was desperate for a change of scenery as well as wanting to get high.

Edward and I both showered again after an awesome dinner of Chicago deep dish pizza, mainly for something to do as well as because of our respective hair situations. I got mine to tame significantly after straightening it with a half of a tube of glossing lotion, but then it just looked greasy, so it went back into a ponytail in the end. Edward's hair was perfectly coiffed just like at home and it made me jealous. But I was willing to bet my shoes that since he now had roommates, Edward used the alone time opportunity to jerk off.

On the ride through town, the boys argued where the best location to go would be, taking into consideration Edward's circumstances. He was adamant about not wanting to be anywhere there would be kids from their old school, but Jasper disputed that it would be inevitable no matter where we went. We pulled into the lot, finding a cozy place between two buildings to smoke up before we went inside.

Edward was freaking me the fuck out the way he was fidgety and nervous before he would take a hit with his back turned, like he was committing the ultimate crime. He obviously was paranoid. But once the weed kicked in and we were inside the warmth of the bowling alley, he calmed down to the point of actually being able to don a smile.

The palace was pretty empty except for a few older league players on the opposite side of the room all serious and excited as they bowled perfect strikes. They annoyed me with their matching satiny shirts and their custom engraved balls and all their seriousness. I mean, it was fucking_ bowling_ for god sakes!

We exchanged our shoes at the counter, paying in advance for two games on two lanes. Edward reached behind the counter when the guy wasn't looking, spraying the shit out of the shoes with Lysol like he was trying to kill a legion of inexorable roaches or something. He did mine too, but I was gasping and spitting out half the can before the guy got pissed and made Edward give the Lysol back. Edward then produced two pairs of his socks that he'd stashed in my purse, which I hadn't even been aware had been there, layering them on over the socks already on his feet, before he slipped on the rental shoes with a revolted scowl on his face.

"So the disgustingness doesn't seep into my skin and give me diseases."

_Okay, ya freak with your three pairs of socks._

Once we settled ourselves at the last row of lanes all the way in the back, Edward chose a marbleized cobalt and silver ball, wiping it clean with an entire pack of sanitary cloths he retrieved from his coat pocket. I must say, I enjoyed the irony of him wiping his smooth blue balls clean.

I shook my head laughing at him but he ignored me, way too engrossed in choosing the right ball. It took me like fifteen minutes, but the ball I found was pink, sparkly, and excessively heavy for me, but I refused to give it up. Besides, on its glittery surface was engraved the name, "Chesty La Rue," and well, how does one pass up the opportunity to walk in Chesty's shoes, or in her balls for that matter?

Of course, once the game started, the boys absofreakinglutely annihilated me. The three of them were like fucking champion bowlers, all perfect form and squinty eyed as they approached the lane with determination and confidence…almost as though they had a goddamn bowling lane in their basement or something.

Edward was like a cougar…he moved sleekly and quietly, glowering at the ball in front of him until he threw his arm back with tremendous force and then did this leg bendy thing that was sort of hot and made his ass look amazing. He got a strike on the first try, did a little happy- success dance and returned to his seat with a smug arrogance. It gave me a little thrill to see him in action, and I wondered that if he could make me this wet with bowling, what he would do to me when he was in those tight little uniform pants on a pitcher's mound.

Jasper was all legs, doing these stupid twists and spins, while still managing to get the ball perfectly in the center, and knocking all ten pins down. And Emmett, well, Em was like a damn powerhouse. He took three mighty steps on the wood floor, shooting the ball into the lane so that it flew down the length like a Mac truck into the pins. I swear I saw sparks flying and little pleas of mercy coming from the pins. That may also have been the weed, because it was good shit.

And then it was my turn.

And I just sucked.

I kept throwing gutter balls every time I went up followed by stupid dances to celebrate it, making fun of the pro players. Once the ball even slipped from my hand, sending it into the seats behind me, forcing the boys to duck and cover their heads protectively. Even though he was laughing with me (or at me, I couldn't quite tell,) Edward was growing increasingly frustrated with me. Though he tried to show me the correct way to hold the ball like fifty times, it was uncomfortable and felt really awkward. And the fact of the matter was, I didn't give a shit. I just wanted to have fun, and in the stupid way I was playing, I was having a ball. He was losing his patience with me, which made the whole thing even funnier.

"B…Don't you want to learn how to play the right way?" His expression was so solemn; I had to giggle at him. It was as if he couldn't bear for me to not want to educate myself on the fundamentals of the game or better myself to perfect my non existent skills.

"Nope."

"But Beautiful, you should always want to… I don't know…strive for excellence? I want to see you do well." His eyes pleaded with me. He sounded like a fucking self-help tape and I laughed in his face, which made him roll his eyes and chuckle.

"Strive for excellence? Yeah…I don't think so. I like to strive for suckage. Go Chesty!" I threw the ball once again through my legs with an exaggerated oomph. It kind of lolled down the lane, veering to the right before settling into the gutter with a little shimmy. I jumped and cheered obnoxiously further emphasizing my point.

Emmett yelled from his seat, "Chesty rules!"

I curtsied in gratitude, giving Emmett a high five. Edward palmed his face in embarrassment, trying to cover his smile.

On Edward's turn he threw a perfect strike, just as the lights went out and the disco music came on, complete with strobe lights and announcements over the loudspeaker claiming there would be prizes every time a person bowled two strikes in a row. I believe they called this Midnight Madness, but this was perplexing to me because it wasn't even ten o'clock yet. I guessed it was midnight somewhere in the world.

"Prizes?" I squealed. "Like as in presents?" I jumped up and down, clapping and screaming while telling them that they had to fork over all their winnings just because I said so. No one disagreed, probably because the "prizes" were like the worst crap imaginable. Edward won a blow up guitar, a Transformers wallet and a plastic key chain with the bowling alley logo emblazoned on it. Emmett handed over a pink stuffed iguana and Japer won a policeman kit with fake badge and handcuffs but refused to fork it over muttering something about Alice and bed posts…

The four of us were really having such a good time. I mean yeah, we were high on quality Chicago weed so hanging out in a morgue would likely have been a riot, but nevertheless…

Emmett and I were dancing like idiots between our turns, while Jasper played the plastic guitar. Edward sat back, refusing to join in the mayhem, but the smile that stayed steadfast across his face told me that he was enjoying the night more than he let on. The bowling alley had started to fill up once Nine Fifty Seven Madness began, but since the mean age of the crowd was around forty or so, therefore no major concerns were to be had.

Edward rose off his chair, pouring a little hand sanitizer in his palms. "I'm going to the snack bar. Anyone want something?"

Emmett and Jasper put in their requests, and had it not been my turn to bowl, I would have accompanied him. "Fries with cheese…and bacon...and extra cheese and ketchup…and a coke...no a cherry slushy. And like a whole lot of napkins. Thanks, E."

Edward had been gone a while when Jasper craned his neck waving to someone across the large room. How he could see anyone in the disco vomit that was going on around us was beyond me, but nevertheless, a few minutes later, there was a small crowd of people in our lane and I was being introduced to them simply as Bella. Emmett walked over to a few boys who, by their large stature, were obviously part of some football team somewhere. I was guessing by the way they did that stupid half hug -half high five grunting caveman greeting that they were former teammates of Em's.

Edward finally came back carrying a tray filled to the brim with food which he set down on the little table near the lanes. I sat with him, as he eyed his former classmates wearily, occasionally returning a curt wave or a clipped nod. He huffed as he ate his fries with a fork, keeping a good amount of distance between us, and I didn't know if that was on purpose for simple precautions. He leaned forward meeting my gaze as he swallowed.

"Pink hoodie, long blonde hair…Em lost his virginity to her...her name's Leah." He bit his lip, squinting his eyes. "That dude…green shirt…pissed his pants in the middle of a pep rally once…it was fucking horrible."

I laughed uncomfortably, feeling solace in our close proximity. I stuffed another cheese coated fry into my mouth, forking a few into Edward's which he took without looking at me. Someone waved to him. He nodded and smiled, muttering, "Renata Crane…nice girl, but a complete slut."

A few more people entered the building. At that point, it seemed as though everyone was gathering around Emmett and Jasper with cheerful greetings as they were reunited, while carefully avoiding Edward, only giving him the courtesy of nothing but waves and nods. It was outright pitiful…all these people knew him and looked as though they were debating whether to dare walk toward him to make conversation, but no one would attempt the feat.

It saddened me while making me feel complete disgust for these people who had the privilege of knowing Edward all his life and abandoned him when he was at his lowest point. They all wanted to be his friend when he was the star of the baseball team though. Even though he never went to trial, it was evident that he was convicted by a jury of his peers and found guilty beyond reasonable doubt in their stupid judgmental eyes. It was a travesty and I felt so fucking bad for him at that moment, knowing he had no one when he went through what he did.

I could tell that he was growing completely uncomfortable, because he kept his head down and would only glance up through his lashes, as though he was hiding.

I leaned forward. "E, do you want to get out of here? Are you okay?"

Edward nodded, taking a bite of one of the burgers. He chewed slowly, wiping his mouth with a napkin, before looking straight at me. He smiled, took a sip of his soda, and when his gaze shifted back to the crowd, his face fell as he swallowed hard. Edward's posture went rigid while his fingers tapped persistently in the table top. I could feel the blatant stares and hear the hushed mummers, which made me so anxious. Everyone had come to witness the return of Edward and the Cullen boys. It was like being in a fish tank at an aquarium…people staring while we had to keep going about our business as though they weren't there.

"Fuck…black coat, long brown hair…with the hat…"

"Wait…red boots?" I asked, trying to decipher who in the crowd he was referring to.

"No…stupid brown Uggs…that's Emily." His voice was almost detached. I nodded, noticing how indisputably pretty she was with her long brown hair and eyes so blue I could see their intensity from where we sat. She had a vague familiarity about her, and I realized that I recognized her from the Facebook page that I had been perusing.

_Fuck…_

"She's really pretty," I said, casually, feeling in my bones that something wasn't right. Edward nodded despondently, not even really hearing what I said. His eyes were glued to the front entrance, narrowing slightly as his tongue passed over his lips. It was then that I heard Edward choke at the exact same time I saw her blonde hair. It was the color of corn silk and swished around her shoulders as her head turned from side to side…looking…searching…

It was Charlotte and she fucking knew Edward was here.

Her jaw hung slack the second she spotted Edward. His eyes were wide when he looked at me, panicked, and completely terrified.

"We have to go…now! Fuck, fuck, fuck…" Edward's chair flew out from under him, as we abandoned the food, his drink spilling over when the jarring motion shook the table. He was gone like a flash, out toward the back exit. With my heart pounding in my throat, I grabbed our coats and my purse off the backs of the chairs, chasing after him. Emmett called after me, but I fled through the crowd toward the back exit, fearful for him.

When I pushed open the heavy door, he was there in the dark parking lot, holding his head and pacing… frantic…and completely unhinged. His breathing was heavy and erratic imminently leading into an aggressive panic attack.

"I fucking knew it! I knew we would run into her tonight! I fucking felt it in my skin…Fuck!" he continued to pace until finally he placed his hands on his knees like he had just ruin a marathon and he gasped for breath, cursing and muttering obscenities. His voice grew squeakier and tighter at the seconds flew by. I had no idea what to do for him.

I held out the black wool toward him. "Edward, put on your coat."

_Good thinking, Bella. That will solve everything._

"Did you see her? She was fucking _looking_ for me B…"

"I know Edward I saw her…its okay, she won't find you. I'll go get the car and we can get out of here." I really wanted to go back inside and see if I could talk to her but I knew it wasn't the appropriate occasion, and I couldn't leave him here by himself. He was so scared. But part of me was chastising myself for losing probably the one opportunity to speak to her. However, not that it was confirmed who she was, I realized that from the Facebook pictures labeled, "Staff Christmas Party," I knew where she worked. I could easily make a phone call, provided she was on her shift at some point.

"No! No don't leave me, please," he begged. He pressed his forehead into the brick wall, gasping for air and cursing. Edward slid down into a crouch against the wall, holding his head in his hands with his knees up to his chest. I squatted beside him, reminding him to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth, but he was shaking his head fighting for a full breath of air.

The door opened a crack. The both of us looked up to see Emmett standing there, fear and confusion clouding his face.

"Bro, you okay?" He knelt down next to us, rubbing Edward's back, looking to me for some sort of explanation or response on Edward's behalf.

"Em, Charlotte's here and he freaked out," I said panicked.

"I know…I saw that bitch walk in, the fucking nerve of her. You guys bolted before I could warn you. Jasper's getting the car, okay? I'm gonna go back inside and grab our shoes." I slipped mine off handing them to Emmett. He pulled off Edward's tucking them under his arm. He leaned into Edward's face, catching his attention. "I'll be right back. Don't fucking go anywhere."

I thanked him, feeling immediate relief. I was shaking, knowing that it was only a panic attack, but he was such a wreck I had to help him somehow. I knew what to do, as I had experienced these shitty fucking attacks too many times to even count, but it was an entirely different situation trying to help someone else. And I absolutely hated seeing him so broken like this.

Calming thoughts…beach, snow… baseball.

"E...look at me. Put yourself on that stupid hill the pitchers stand on…the grass is green and there's sun shining above you and if you look up it feels so warm on your face and it hurts your eyes, but you have a hat on so it's not too bad. And then you feel the ball and you squeeze it and your glove…" As my words rambled on, Edward was finally able to take a full breath. Though he looked as though he was on the verge of tears, he hadn't taken his eyes off of me for a second. It was dark back there, and the only light was coming from an almost dead street lamp that buzzed annoyingly, but I could see the whites of his eyes and the fear and conflict in the green and the pain that twisted on his sweet face.

_Fuck…what about a glove? It smells good, and it's soft…_

"Um…and then you throw the ball and you can hear the sound of it crack against the bat and you watch as it flies over your head and…" He was breathing a little more regularly now, controlled and methodic, probably internally counting how many beats per second his heart rate was up to.

"Just feel the ball in your hand...the stitching, the way it's so smooth and round…" I was at a loss…I had nothing left. I never had wished before that moment that I would have paid more attention to the details of the stupid game. But Edward seemed to be much better, though he was still rocking and holding on to his knees. It was so fucking frustrating not being able to comfort him the way he needed. I was wiling to bet that he just really needed a hug or to have his hand held tightly. It took all I had to not leave him right there and stalk inside to beat the piss out of that vile, horrid bitch.

"E, are you feeling a little better now?"

Edward nodded his head whispering, "Thank you. I'm so fucking sorry, baby." He still looked like he was going to cry and his hands were shaking a little, but he was better. Headlights wrapped around the building. I recognized the car and stood, waiting for Edward to rise off the cement. His ass had to be freezing. Jasper pulled to a stop, getting out to open the back door for us. We both slid in and once we were on the highway toward home, Emmett handed us our shoes.

Edward gazed out the window, chewing his lip absently, his head resting on the glass. "Did you call Dad?" he asked softly, without moving. Emmett nodded.

"Yeah, he said to come right home and you could call together."

"Call who?" I asked looking between them.

"I have to call my truancy officer immediately, or that bitch can claim that I was deliberately there to see her….as fucking _if._" Edward's voice was detached and raspy, filled with sorrow and a tinge of anger. He took a deep breath, shaky and chopped, wrapping his coat around himself tighter. I couldn't stand to see him dealing with this anguish, so I reached for his hand without thinking. Edward flinched, pulling back out of habit but then he wrapped his fingers around my palm so tightly, I could just about feel his pain through the contact. His trembling hands were like ice.

"You think she'd call her attorney? I mean, you were there first. There's got to be security cameras to prove it and you hauled ass out of there as soon as you saw her enter the building."

"I don't know, Em," Edward replied softly. "I don't fucking know."

Obviously, there was more to this encounter than they were revealing. I would ask Edward or Emmett at another time, but I knew by the way he fled the bowling alley, that there was a definite reason for it.

Jasper met my gaze through the rearview mirror. "I wouldn't put it past her. It's a good thing you bolted out the back, because fucking douchebag Peter was in front with his boys. He wanted to know where the fuck you were and I'm pretty sure they were looking for a fight."

Edward just sighed. "Please just get me the fuck home, okay?"

It was quiet in the car until Emmett turned on the radio. Edward still had my hand but he wouldn't look at me. Without meeting my eyes he said softy, "I'm sorry, Baby. I ruined another night for you."

I tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but he didn't seem to hear me as he was off in another world somewhere, wallowing in his own sorrow or something.

The four of us departed the car in awkward silence, quietly entering the house. Somewhere there was a television on and most of the lights were out except for the Christmas tree and the hallway. Esme met us at the door with a bottled water in her hand, pulling Edward to her. He buried his head in her shoulder, swallowing a pill and I am pretty sure he was crying because Esme held him and moved them into another room away from us.

Heartbroken with Edward's anguish, I went to my room to change, waiting for Edward to come to me, but he didn't. I was aware that he had to call his parole officer or whatever, but I was hoping he would find his way back to me.

Esme and Carlisle were sitting at the kitchen table talking quietly. It felt so intrusive, making me feel completely uninvited but Carlisle smiled at me and I felt better about walking in on them. He asked if I was all right. I nodded, trying to hold back my tears. Esme's eyes were bloodshot and her skin was blotchy, telling signs that she was crying. "He's outside sweetie," she said sniffling.

I found him on an Adirondack chair, curled up under a blanket with a cigarette hanging carelessly between two fingers. He wasn't looking at anything particular, just gazing out into the black night without purpose. I sat in the chair next to him, whispering, "Hi." I shivered, and he gave me half of his blanket.

He smiled softly, giving me the best placating expression he could handle at the moment. He was completely wrecked and it was fucking killing me.

"Did you call your truancy officer? Is everything okay?"

He nodded, muttering. "Yeah…" But he was despondent and disengaged, either deep in thought or floating on his Xanax high, probably a little of both. Neither of us spoke for a while. I was freezing and really wanted to go back inside to the warmth, but I couldn't leave him out there alone. I didn't know if he would even follow me back in and I would find him frozen to death in the morning. Every so often a shudder would rip through him, but it didn't seem to faze him or give him the motivation to move toward warmth.

He inhaled, breaking the long silence. In a very quiet voice, that was almost eerie and singsongy, Edward said, "You know…I once watched this documentary, about this study that they did in um...I think it was Lithuania, during World War two. There were all these little babies in an orphanage, and they weren't sick or anything but… their physical needs were being taken care of but no one was allowed to touch them. At that time, it was thought that cuddling infants would spread infections and make children morally weak or some stupid shit like that. No one ever held them or touched them unless it was to change their diapers. They never were hugged or kissed or spoken to. And they fucking cried and cried, begging to be held but they were too little to talk so they couldn't even like…ask to be loved…they were just ignored. Isn't that just the saddest fucking thing you've ever heard?"

Edward's gaze still remained focused on the water, his words detached and sleepy and edged in raw pain and utter defeat. My own lids were burning as the bliss of sleep and solace of a warm bed called to me sweetly, but I wouldn't dare leave him.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, shivering. My teeth clattered together as I asked, "What happened to them, Edward?"

He looked over at me briefly, his lids hooding over exhausted eyes. He leaned his head back against the wooden slats of the chair.

"The babies? They um…they all died."

**~%~**


	25. Chapter 25 Christmas Balls

**Sm Owns it**

**Very special thanks to Songster for the truancy officer info…you are awesome, hon. Thanks to Becca as usual for proofing this beast.**

**And Suzy, this baseball stuff is all yours. I love you.**

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 25~ Christmas Balls**

**Jingle balls**

**Jingle balls,**

**Jingle all the way, **

**Oh what fun it is to chafe **

**Edwards balls today. **

**~Edward~**

It was extremely difficult to focus on anything particular under the haze my whole body felt that next morning. Xanax, along with the emotional hangover of a panic attack, made me feel like I was hit by a Mac truck and then run over by a bus before getting crapped on by a pack of stray dogs. To put it mildly… yeah, I felt like shit. When I finally got my wits about me, I realized that I was in Bella's room at my grandparent's house, wrapped in her sheets, surrounded by her scent. How the fuck did I get here and where's B?

I thought back to the previous night then realized that at some point my body knew what my head was too fucked up to comprehend. She calmed me. Just being close to her eased my subconscious mind and my horny as fuck body.

_God, please don't tell me I dry humped her leg again…romantic fucker that I am._

And last night…God…what a fucking nightmare. Honestly, had I known what was about to happen in that bowling alley, I would never had left the house. I felt like shit for reacting on impulse the way I did, all panicky and fearful, and completely ruining Bella's and my brother's night out. Mostly, I hated that Bella had to witness how utterly undone I had become because of it. It was completely emasculating- not that I was the most macho guy in the first place, but having my girlfriend watching me absolutely fall apart made me feel ridiculously useless.

But with the legal consequences of my presence in the same location as Charlotte having severe legal repercussions, I fucking freaked out. No one was supposed to be there and it pissed me the hell off that anyone had been at that bowling alley the first place. According to Jasper, everyone was supposed to be hanging out at the arcade. I figured what had happened was that once the inevitable word spread that we were all in town, agenda's were changed accordingly, and parties were moved to the Sunset Lanes simply to get reacquainted with Em and Jazz and hopefully, to get a good glance at the freak. It kind of pissed me off too, knowing that one of my brothers inadvertently let someone know we were going to be there, not thinking of the ultimate consequences.

I know, I know…it isn't always about me.

Fucking Charlotte. At some point she must have forgotten that we were best friends. I knew her mannerisms as much as my own. She was nervous, I could tell by her actions. I hated her fake surprised face and her nonchalant hair flip behind her shoulder…hated that she received the reward she blatantly sought to get- the ultimate satisfaction of me having to flee like a fucking fugitive out the back door. And Peter…seriously? He was there to kick my ass?

_My ass?_

As if that would ever happen in a million fucking years. Between myself, Jazz and Emmett, we would obliterate him and his douche friends. They were baseball players, for fuck's sake, not the fucking starting lineup for the Chicago Bears. It wasn't as though they weren't tough or remotely menacing by any means, I just knew that between the three of us we could take them. After all, I had so much pent up anger inside of me that was just itching to be released. A part of me almost wished I had been in a more appropriate frame of mind because the satisfaction I would feel from making that fucker bleed would be sort of like the equivalent to an orgasm not achieved by my own goddamn hand.

I couldn't figure out why the fuck she would even go there- I mean, she knew damn well I wasn't allowed in the same vicinity as her, so the only conclusion I could come to was that she deliberately went there to chase me away or to make me look like a fucking fool. Maybe she was just a sadistic bitch and needed to remind me of the control she continued to have over my life. My father suggested that perhaps Charlotte wanted to see me again not for malicious reasons and that maybe she was even there to warn me about Peter. But while that was a possibility, it was certainty a remote one. However, at this point, anything was possible.

After all, the girl told me she was in love with me and basically raped me while I was passed out. Then she showed up the next day...brandishing bruises I knew I had nothing to do with claiming that it was me that did those horrible things to her. Personally, I thought that she was the one who should have been in mandatory therapy for psychosis and on serious meds in order to combat her actions from further destroying innocent lives in the future. But as hard as it was to admit, the worst part of the whole fucked up circumstance when it had initially happened, was the fact that after all she had said and done, and all the shit I had been through as a consequence of her lies- I had missed her friendship…severely.

Charlotte had been one of my closest friends since the fifth grade. She made me laugh with her sarcasm and her self-deprecating sense of humor. Since she was a little OCD herself, she got my neatness issues and my quirks at always trying to achieve a certain level of perfection at everything. She was an awesome person, that is, until she started seeing Peter. He took this pretty, perfectly independent, self assured girl and cut her down until she felt like complete shit about herself. She was a curvy girl, always had been sensitive about her weight, and Peter was constantly on her about it.

I had always told her I thought she was perfect just the way she was and I had sincerely meant it too. If I had to admit it to myself ... she was soft and hot, with beautiful curves in all the right places. I remember how she would smile and blush whenever I complimented her and I was too self absorbed to realize that she was crushing on me then. I just never saw her like that. She was attractive and I suppose I could say I had even been somewhat attracted to her at some point, but I never felt that intense physical chemistry between us…even when she was on top of me…it just felt _off_.

Sometimes I thought that if I had returned her affection, I would have a fucking sex life right now and I'd still be playing baseball and …well, let's just say that everything would be so goddamn different.

But then again, the sex wouldn't be with the girl I loved to pieces, so in that same respect, I think in a very fucked up way I had Charlotte to thank for giving me the most messed up opportunity in the world to meet the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was without a doubt a Mamma's Boy if anyone ever was one, but seeing the piteous look on my mother's face when we got home last night made me lose it completely. With the weight of the bowling alley debacle and her erratic hormones spurring her emotions, Esmom appeared destroyed, simply because she was extremely diffident upon coming to Chicago in the first place. At the time, I had insisted that it would be fine, not entirely confident in that declaration but knowing that regardless, I would be damned if I was going to ruin everyone's Christmas by forcing us to stay in Forks.

Gramps was on call at the hospital, so that was the only reason my grandparents didn't make it to Washington instead. He had taken two weeks off last year when we had just moved into the house, making a vacation this year impossible with his schedule at the hospital. Besides that, I knew my brothers were looking forward to reuniting with their old friends, just as my parents were.

My mom hugged me at the door, dragging my teary eyed ass into Gramp's office for privacy so she could dispense my anti-anxiety meds out of the scrutinizing and pity filled eyes of my brothers and girlfriend. My father then called my truancy officer, who was obviously in the middle of a fucking holiday party or some shit, and was less than thrilled with the interruption. I had to answer a hundred bullshit questions- where exactly in this place did this happen… who was present… the names and ages of witnesses to verify story because he really was hoping for a reliable adult to have been there to vouch… approximately how long the unintentional contact lasted… what my response was and also, if I had knowledge of security cameras at the establishment.

All that because that lying backstabbing bitch fucking showed up where I was with my family on a random Wednesday night.

Since the court order had been technically violated but did not result in a new offense, my truancy officer had to make the decision of whether or not he felt the incident was intentional and aggravated on my part. He then had to base that conclusion on what he knew of me, of the circumstances involving said incident and anything he might learn from any supplementary investigation. He then was obligated either to send a progress report indicating an unintentional violation had taken place and how it was handled or to simply handle the entire issue informally.

Here was where the major issue lied. What I was deathly afraid of was that Charlotte would run to the States Attorney to report that she had been traumatized yet again by either my presence in general, or by the fact that she could lie yet again and say that I harassed her. That was precisely why I bolted out of the goddamn building like my ass was on fucking fire. If that were to happen, I had to prepare myself for the possibility of a court hearing to review the incident, which because of that, my father had to inform my attorney last night as well. My attorney Jason, told me until we heard otherwise, that I was to behave as if I were Mother Fucking Theresa on Sunday…in a church…with children and nuns watching…

This alone was why I was admittedly thankful for karma or angels or just the basic simplicity of foresight to know when to say no. When we first arrived in Chicago, Jasper asked me to take a ride with him to pick up the weed from one of his old friends. I initially said no fucking way, because I didn't want to put Bella in that position under any circumstances. But at the same time, I knew that the shit I did in Forks…using weed and supplying it to my underage girlfriend, consuming and buying liquor with a fake ID…using said ID to get into clubs and bringing Bella with me…were things that I could probably get into a certain amount of trouble for, but definitely not land my ass in jail as a direct result. Here in Chicago though, where my family and I were known throughout the community, as well as the fact that my predicament wasn't exactly a secret, getting involved in the purchase of an illegal substance was just asking for another problem that I didn't fucking need.

After all of that, my mother flipped out on us, insisting that we pack our shit and leave immediately. Of course, my father wasn't necessarily in agreement with that hastiness, but ready and willing to comply with whatever was best for his family. But I knew that if I ran back home to Forks, it was as good as admitting I was fucking guilty. I was forced to flee last time without a choice, and I would be damned if they got me to do it again. The truth was, I was entirely too fucking tired of running and admitting defeat against a punishment that I didn't earn in the first place.

Still wrapped in the warmth of Bella's sheets, I scrubbed a hand over my face, wrinkling my nose at the tickling sensation that swept my skin. Upon further inspection of my hands, I painstakingly unwrapped several strands of Bella's long hair from around my fingers. There were more loose strands on her pillow case and in the sheets as well as on my shirt.

I took a piss in her bathroom, and when I washed my hands and face afterward, I couldn't help but notice the massive amounts of hair on the vanity top, coiled in the bristles of her hairbrush and the little piles of it swept into the corners of the tile floor. It puzzled me, because I had never noticed it before and I hoped she wasn't having some kind of early onset of alopecia or something. It also grossed me out a little, so I got on my hands and knees, wiping up the floor and then the vanity top, cleaning up all traces of her evident shedding.

_And that was precisely why we didn't have a dog…_

Her shit was all over the counter…toothbrush, makeup, little travel sized bottles of creams and hair shit and a whole pile of brown hair elastics and clips and girlie stuff. I neatly arranged it in a manner that wouldn't offend her, but would actually make her routine of getting ready much more efficient. With a quick glance in the mirror, I rolled my eyes at myself and my compulsory habits that worsened when I was under stress.

In my own bathroom, I brushed my teeth, and swallowed my pill, entirely grateful to have that extra help.

I trudged my way into the kitchen where I had heard the distinct sound of Bella's sweet laugh and a television playing in the den. I knew my mom would undoubtedly have something to say about me sleeping in B's bed, but I was hoping that since she was aware that I was in a highly fucked up state from the previous night, she would just let it go. Not that she really had ever let anything go, but I wasn't in the mood to argue about it or to admit to the fact that I was having some serious nightmares and didn't want to sleep alone.

It was all starting to come back to me now...the other reason I went to Bella's room. One of those nasty fuckers I was obligated to call my brother must have had some small animal crawl up their ass and die last night, because this morning the room still smelled so intensely fucking vile with the stench of rancid fart that I wanted to vomit. It took every ounce of courage I had to reenter this morning to brush my teeth. They were both curled up tight, wrapped comfortably in the stench. One was farting…the other snoring like a chainsaw. I had to get the fuck out of there and come up with a plan to preserve and fumigate my clothes.

"Hey," I mumbled shyly to my mom, grandmother, and Bella, who were sitting at the kitchen table amidst half empty coffee cups and a variety of craft supplies. The shit was all over the table and though it was organized in neat piles, it almost made me shudder.

I sat at the empty seat next to Bella as her face brightened when we made eye contact. She put down her project, rising to get me a cup of coffee, which honestly, I fucking loved her for doing without my even having to ask. As she placed the mug on the table in front of me whispering a sweet, "Good morning," my mom and grandmother exchanged a glance between them that made me roll my eyes. My mom reached over to ruffle my already insane hair.

In this almost pained little voice, edged with caution my grandmother asked, "How are you feeling, Sweetie?" I nodded reassuringly, taking a sip of coffee simply to avoid talking about it and the sheer emasculating embarrassment that accompanied the morning after.

My thoughts suddenly shifted to the gas station in Port Angeles that I often bought my cigarettes and gas, where on the counter there was one of those cans connected by a short security chain. Affixed to the can was a picture of a mangy dog with one eye, three legs and no tail. When you looked at the picture of the pathetic, mangled dog you couldn't not put your lose change into the slit in the can, because the sight was horribly fucking heartbreaking and even if you didn't believe in God or Satan or any sort of divine otherworldly being, you surely would go to Hell if you simply walked away sans contribution.

On the morning after a particularly bad panic attack, that was precisely how I felt- like that three legged, one eyed, no tailed pooch that everyone felt intense pity for. My family looked at me as though I was pathetic and weak, hardly making eye contact, yet too afraid to not look at me. Voices were hushed and words carefully chosen, waiting for something to set me off into a fucking tirade or god forbid, another attack. All I needed was a goddamn can and some spare coins.

But today, I wasn't too concerned with any of that. And I didn't feel irritable or edgy or any of the usual residual feelings that accompanied the dreaded morning after. I was calm and serene and though a definite groggy feeling was in place over most of my body, I felt almost…good?

_Ahhh…antidepressants._

Bella had sat back down, continuing to work on the project in front of her. "How cute are these?" she asked, holding up a candy cane artfully created to resemble a reindeer. They had little googlie eyes and red pom pom noses with twisted brown pipe cleaner antlers wrapped atop their candy cane heads.

I took another sip of coffee, reveling in the sweetness and warmth that was spreading through my innards. Bella had put some cinnamon flavored creamer in the mug and it was fucking heaven. I picked one up, examining it. "They are kind of cute. What are they for?"

"Grampa is playing Santa this afternoon in the children's ward of the hospital. You and Bella should go," Gran said, her face brightening as she smiled at the idea.

I shook my head, examining the little reindeer again. His eyes were uneven and it annoyed me thoroughly… so much that I readjusted their positioning.

"I can't go to a place like that, Gran…too many little girls. Besides…all those sick kids…it's so fucking depressing," I looked up at my mother's audible tsk and her disapproving glare as my inappropriate language. "Oh, sorry."

"So ridiculous," Gran muttered angrily under her breath, presumably directed toward the absurdity of my situation. I sighed, turning to Bella.

"You can go if you want to." The last thing I wanted to do was keep her bound to the house just because I chose to be.

"No, that's alright. I'd rather stay here with you, if that's okay." Bella offered me a small smile, making me love her for the way she just accepted and understood.

I couldn't imagine a girl like Jessica Stanley or even Rosalie Hale being so accommodating and understanding as to be in a huge city during Christmas break and being okay with staying inside a house the whole time and not sightseeing or shopping or whatever the fuck girls liked to do. Even last night…she had been fucking amazing with talking me down from the panic attack and just 'getting' that I couldn't bring myself to discuss the situation with her or anyone else while I was kind of regrouping outside on the back patio after I made the harrowing phone calls to the necessary parties.

The fact was that most of the time, I didn't feel as though I had done anything to truly deserve her, and I was just waiting with baited breath for the day that she would come to realize that, and then I would be so fucked because I didn't think I could live without her at this point. She was more than my air now.

"Where's dinner tonight, anyway?" I asked, wondering if I would be forced to flee a public place yet again. I knew from past Christmases that Charlotte's family did a big family thing at her aunt's house in Indiana, so hopefully, there wouldn't be any more run- ins with her. Gran said we were going to try a little Italian place this year as opposed to the traditional steak house we usually went to on Christmas Eve.

Pulling a little puff from Bella's pile, I used a glue thing to adhere it to the candy cane. Before I even knew it, I had made my own substantial reindeer pile, and I felt unusually relaxed, my mind clear and focused. It provided a catharsis that I didn't realize doing such a mundane thing could do. It was similar to how I felt when I organized things properly.

I looked around at the three women at the table, contentedly working and chatting about baby stuff and movies they had recently seen. I was honestly just happy to be in their presence.

"Hey there, ladies. So, you're uh… you're making crafts now, E? Really?" Emmett stood hovering above me with his hands on his hips, smiling down like a big fat jerk off.

I snickered, ignoring his chastising. "Yeah, well, it's actually quite relaxing and it's not like the lovely company I keep isn't fully aware that I am somewhat of a pansy already."

"I think you're very manly… in a girlie sort of way," Bella offered with a smile. I smirked at her teasing, mouthing "thank you".

"He's not a pansy…he's just sensitive," my grandmother beamed, squeezing my hand across the table affectionately. As I squeezed back, the softness of her hand on mine felt really fucking good and kind of made me sad when she removed it.

"Yeah, that's Grandma talk for _my grandson is a frigging fairy_," Emmett chuckled. "You gonna start knitting baby booties too now?"

I took a sip from my mug, using my free hand to give him the finger. My grandmother mimicked the gesture to Emmett, giving us all a good laugh. She was the wife of a highly respected surgeon and led everyone to believe that she was infallible, but we knew the real side of her...the side that cursed when appropriate and flipped the bird to her insolent, highly flatulent elder grandson on behalf of her youngest's defense. Gran was fucking awesome.

He slipped his arm around my neck in a headlock, playfully giving me a noogie on the top of my head before he kissed it and walked off muttering, "Fruitcake."

I grew bored of reindeer making after a while and went to lay down in Bella's room where her bed was more comfortable and smelled like her. She came in a little while later chatting on the phone, presumably with her mother, lying next to me on her stomach while she talked. Her shirt had risen up to her waist, revealing an inch or two of creamy white flesh and the most perfect outline of a disappearing thong underneath stretchy gray yoga pants. Her ass was like a delicious spring peach; ripe and squeezable and I couldn't take my eyes off of the soft curves of it trapped under her snug pants.

Staring at her gave me unbelievable wood and I had to swallow back the desire to touch her and bite her ass. She raised an eyebrow at my fidgetiness and once she got rid of her mom, she turned on her side propping her head up in her hand.

"What's up, Handsome?"

"Your ass is amazing," I whispered, unabashedly attempting to peer over at said beautiful ass which was now sadly out of view.

She smirked, giving me a little seductive, shy smile. "Awww, thank you, baby. I've been doing special ass exercises." She flexed her butt cheeks playfully.

I narrowed my eyes at her skeptically. "No you have not. Have you?"

Bella rolled her eyes as if to say, _obviously not, stupid._ "I'm going to go take a shower now so…do you uh…want to see it?" she asked, rising to her knees on the bed.

"Fuck yes," I said without hesitation, my heart thumping loudly in my chest as the anticipation grew steadily. She slipped her shirt off, tossing it to the side and then unclasped her bra at the back. I groaned at the sight of her tits all bare and pert and erect nipples mocking me for not being able to touch them. Though her skin was creamy ivory, she still had traces of old tan lines in the shape of a teeny, tiny triangular top bikini and even smaller barely there bottoms.

With a fervent exhale, I palmed my erection through the flannel of my pajama pants, not particularly caring that it was crude. Her lips feathered with a smug smile and her eyes smoldered with intensity as her gaze darted to my hand, as though she was proud of herself for getting me hot and bothered.

I mumbled, "God, you're beautiful," as Bella slid off the bed, pulling the elastic out of her hair to let her tresses fall in soft waves around her shoulders. I watched in rapt awe as her thumbs disappeared into the waist of her pants and then she turned, letting me view the sight of her ass in nothing but a thong. It was those goddamn lower back dimples that did me in. She turned her head to look over her shoulder, unintentionally seductively, or maybe it was intentional, who the fuck even knows? Bella seemed to be fearless these days when it came to being naked in front of me, and lord knows I wasn't complaining.

She bent over to pick up her pants, giving me an obscene view of her ass, which was then suddenly rudely obstructed by the pants being tossed right into my face. Bella giggled, running into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her. I bolted off the bed following her nakedness into the bathroom, where I gaped at her adjusting the water temperature to her liking. Continuing on my not giving a shit about etiquette path, I reached into my pants to pull out my dick just as she stepped under the spray, leaving the shower curtain open deliberately…and the fucking sight of her with all that water running down her hair and onto her tits was enough to make me cum in my pants without further stimulation.

"Bella…you have no fucking idea what you look like right now," I groaned, leaning against the wall with my dick in my hand as I watched her soap up one of those loofah sponge mitt things, rubbing it all over her shoulders and her tits. I stroked myself a few times, before she looked down at the mitt covering her hand and her eyes widened.

"Oh my God, E…" She smiled mischievously with a grin that spread ear to ear then opened the curtain a little wider and whispered, "Come in here with me." In that second I knew exactly what she was thinking, my smile mirroring hers. And so I stripped down to nothing, shaking in anticipation while watching amusedly as Bella's eyes widened even bigger.

Then, with a smirk on my face and my hands trembling with expectation, I stepped inside with her under the warm spray, amassing every shred of self control I had within me to not touch her. She inhaled deeply, moving over to share the water with me. We were but a few inches apart and God, did I fucking want to hold her and feel that warm, slick, soapy skin against my body.

"Is this…okay?" she asked softly, moving the mitt across my chest. I nodded, not really able to form basic or cohesive words to say even a simple yes. I was so fucking hard, I was almost afraid it would graze her belly if she moved a tiny bit closer. Not that either of us would have minded one bit. And her touch…slightly rough but smooth with soap at the same time.

She drew her covered hand across my shoulder and down my arm leaving a trail of girlie smelling suds, her eyes darting occasionally from my gaze to my chest and back again. I could hear her breathing change as she grew excited. Bella's nipples were erect, despite the warmth of the water cascading down her front. She was so fucking beautiful.

"I want to try that," I said looking down at the sudsy glove. While I was thoroughly enjoying what she was doing to me, I felt unbelievably compelled to touch her as well.

"You have to wait your turn," she said coyly, looking up at me under dark, wet lashes as the sponge mitt swept over my hip, circling down over my ass cheek. I smirked when she squeezed it. Damn that felt good. I couldn't remember if anyone had ever had that done to me before; I was pretty certain it was a first. Tentatively, and achingly slow, she brought her hand back across my abs and down the trail of fine hair leading to my dick.

"Fuck…" I hissed, looking down at her adoringly when her covered hand slid up the front of my shaft. The material was a coarse weave, intended to slough, so it wasn't exactly soft. "Baby…" I was shaking with excitement knowing that she was about to jerk me off. Bella's fingers closed around the length and she squeezed…hard gasping audibly. I hissed through my teeth at the sensation. It didn't hurt or anything, I just thought that maybe she was anxious or eager to feel it in her hands, though the material on the mitt was pretty thick.

"Stroke upwards," I instructed, planting my palm against the tile wall to brace myself. She stood underneath me, tiny as ever and all wet and barefoot, as I looked down to watch. Her hand gripped tightly pulling in long upward strokes. Bella didn't look at me once. Her eyes were completely fixated on what she was doing to me and the moans I was producing involuntarily.

"It that good?" she asked innocently, finally looking up at me. I smiled, nodding and biting my lip. She did things to me that I could not explain. My most basic instincts were ignited with just a cursory glance at her sweet face.

It seemed as though she was really trying hard to get me off. I knew she had never done anything like this before either, so it was probably so intriguing and novel to her if not somewhat intimidating.

"It's fucking great. Not so tightly though. Go a little faster," I whispered panting, feeling that familiar tightening heat coiling in my groin.

"Oh God, Baby, that feels so goddamn good." I could almost hear her smile proudly. Her speed intensified as I instructed, sending chills up my spine and fuck that felt amazing. But as her grip loosened slightly, even with the slick soap lubricating against the friction, the material of the mitt was grating against the sensitive skin, probably because it had no fucking hair protecting the outlying area and I already had some razor burn from the day before.

Since shaving my goods for the Create A Mate endeavor, when the hair had begun to grow back it was itchy like a motherfucker. Kinda like jock itch without the actual jock. I couldn't tolerate the sensation, plus I hated having to scratch in public as though I was battling some kind of fucking venereal disease…which sadly, I might almost even welcome at this point. So to avoid the growback stage, I had continued to shave everything in my crotch area. I rather liked the smooth way it felt, but I wasn't so sure how I looked all bald and naked. Bella said it was hot, so that was what really mattered to me. Not that she had anything to compare it to, but whatever. The girl liked what she liked. Who was I to judge, because yeah…a shaved pussy was fucking hot.

I thought I could probably stand the loofah rubbing against me for a few more seconds until I came, because I was almost fucking there, but then suddenly a harsh, piercing, burning sensation spread over the entire surface of my dick.

I yelled out, "Oh God… fuck that burns!" She withdrew her hand as if it had caught on fire, stepping away from me in shock.

"What did I do?" her voice cracked as she looked up at me panicked, her gaze flickering between my eyes and my chafed up dick. With dick in hand, I let the water run over the surface, washing away the suds to I could assess the damage while I hissed through my teeth. The skin was bright pink and slightly swollen in areas, mostly at the mid part of the shaft. She literally loofahed the top layer of skin off my dick. The water burned like a motherfucker and as eager as I was to touch her, I had to get the fuck out.

"I'm so sorry, E." Her eyes gave away that she felt so fucking bad.

I smiled tentatively, wincing as the steady pain continued. "Love, it's fine…I'll be okay," I said shakily stepping out of the shower stall. Grabbing a towel, I gingerly patted myself dry, sitting on the toilet seat.

"Do you have any Neosporin or something?" I asked, knowing I hadn't seen anything of that sort when I cleaned up her shit. She told me she had a tube in her makeup case, and once I retrieved it, I rubbed a thick layer all over my dick, finally feeling some relief, wondering how the fuck I was going to wear clothes comfortably.

Holding my head in one hand, and my dick in the other, I laughed out loud at the fucking pathetic scene before me. I was bald, chafed, once again covered in goo, completely humiliated, and entirely disappointed that I didn't even get my turn to touch. Never mind the fact that not only did I not get off, but I was so beaten up that I wouldn't be able to jerk off for like a fucking week at least.

Oh, fuck my life.

**~%~**

"Aww fuck. Church…seriously?" Jasper groaned, throwing himself back on his fire truck bed with entirely too much dramatic flair after my grandmother informed us that we would be attending the five o'clock mass at her church before dinner. No one was exceptionally pleased about that, but Bella on the other hand, didn't seem so ruffled. She said she had wished to speak with the Big Guy up close and personal anyway, whatever the fuck that meant.

I finished up with my hair in Bella's bathroom so the rest of the fuckers could get ready in the one in our still toxic room. I fucking hated sharing that bathroom, and the whole damn bedroom for that matter, but there was something about my racecar bed that I couldn't resist. It made me feel like a kid again, giving me a part of my youth and quite frankly, my innocence that I would never get back.

Bella was in the kitchen, helping my grandmother pack the Rudolf candy canes away safely. Gran asked me to get the mail outside, so I grabbed a cigarette and headed out front down the long driveway to the mailbox. Even in my loosest boxer briefs and a pair of my most baggy jeans, I was still so sensitive. While cringing a bit, I moved painstakingly slow as to not aggravate the area. I pulled out what looked like a million Christmas cards and a few bills, tucking them under my arm as I made my way back up the driveway toward the house. I didn't bother with my coat and I was regretting it because it was fucking freezing.

In fact, they were calling for some serious snow later on tonight. I couldn't remember the last official white Christmas we'd had, but I remembered Bella telling me that she hadn't ever experienced one, so aside from the annoyance of having to shovel the shit up, I was glad to at least give her that.

However, that driveway was fucking long, and there had better be at least three shovels in that garage, plus a snow blower, dammit. I had my own personal theory on snow removal…"God put it there…God shall take it away". Or better yet my personal favorite, "Why do it yourself when you can pay someone else to take care of it?" However, it seemed my grandfather had more practical views considering he was like...an important doctor and shit that needed to get to work to save lives, but whatever.

I leaned inconspicuously against the back bumper of Gramp's SUV, smoking my cigarette as I wrapped my arms around myself. They hated that I smoked, so I tried not to flaunt it in front of them and avoid another monotonous lecture if I could help it. The sound of a car coming down the road perked up my ears, but when it turned into the driveway, I automatically tensed up at the sight of the unfamiliar black Mercedes sedan. Dark tinted windows and shit...looked like the fucking Chicago Mafia was paying a little house call or something.

I had heard about these guys but I never thought it was actually true. I couldn't see beyond the windshield because the sun glare was so intense on the glass. I honestly had no idea what the fuck I was expecting but Peter and his buddies sliding from inside wielding baseball bats may have crossed my mind. The irony in that would be fucking poetic.

Peter scorned was one thing…but Peter scorned with an aluminum bat while I was utterly defenseless was an entirely different story.

But as the car halted to a stop just a few feet away from me, idling while the door opened, I took another tentative drag of the cigarette before putting it out on the pavement and tossing the butt into the grass. An audible chuckle came out of my mouth, relieved and chastising myself for being such a Mary Fucking Sue. This little tiny old lady, probably about a hundred and eighty five years old or some shit, swimming in a mink coat with a matching hat covering her silver birds nest of hair, walked toward me.

Okay well, walked was sort of an incorrect euphemism for what she was actually doing. With her back hunched and her orthopedic shoes scraping along the pavement, it took her like a good five minutes to cross the six foot distance, scuffling her feet along the way. I was willing to bet good money that there were a few telephone books propping her ass up so she could see over the steering wheel. She kind of reminded me of crazy Aunt Bethany from that Christmas Vacation movie…the one that wrapped up her fucking cat.

I met her half way, taking tentative steps though I knew even if she was the head of some geriatric female organized crime ring, she couldn't possibly have an Uzi stashed in that giant purse of hers. Even if she did, judging by the amount of time it took her to make it from point A to point B, I would have my ass safely inside positioned behind Emmett before she could even get it out of the bag.

Because I always thought Em would make an awesome human shield.

Okay, well, maybe I wasn't one to talk about moving slow with the damaged man goods and all.

I approached her, giving her a warm smile while muttering a very polite, "Happy Holidays," because that's what the adults all did and I assumed she was here for my grandma. Without a reply or any sort of eye contact even, she simply reached into her giant bag with wrinkled spotty hands, pulling out a bottle of liquor and handed it to me.

I took a quick look at the label… Remy Martin VSOP, and I got a little giddy. The old lady had good taste. I was tempted to stash it inside my pants for a later date as I knew this was a really good bottle of brandy, but that would sooo fucking hurt so I repealed the idea. Before I could even thank her, she had pulled out a shiny red rectangular brick from her purse waiting expectantly for me to take it from her.

Tucking the bottle under one arm, while I still had the stack of mail under the other, I accepted the package wrapped in ribbon that looked like a fucking two year old had wrapped it…or a one hundred and eighty five year old lady with severe arthritis and cataracts. Forgive me.

I swear to God, whatever the fuck it was weighed about fifteen pounds and smelled like a cross between dog food and cupcakes…and it was so unbelievable fucking greasy. It was completely disgusting and I fought to not wrinkle my nose in distaste boorishly in front of her.

Then without uttering a single word, she turned and waddled back to the car, shutting the door behind her. She backed out of the driveway like a woman possessed...running over my Gran's landscaping and barely missing the mailbox. Thank fucking God I wasn't standing there when she pulled in, or I'd be limbless right now. Dear Lord, today of all days...I prayed for all the drivers of the greater Chicago area. This woman was on a mission to destroy Christmases everywhere with her poor driving skills and her wordless gifting of meatcake.

"Um…thanks… I think?"

The car reversed down the driveway and I stood gaping and gagging with brandy and mail under my arms and some kind of disturbing meat/cake based product literally dripping in my hands wondering what the fuck had just happened. I mean seriously…I looked around the yard for fucking cameras cause I swore that I was being Punked or on Candid Camera or some shit.

"Uh…someone…anyone? Answer the door." I called for assistance, kicking the gold plate at the bottom of the front door, unable to use the goddamn bell. I was overly cautious as to how I stood, because I had on two hundred dollar shoes upon which the leather was most certainly not conducive to dripping meatcake grease. I continued to yell exasperatedly until finally Jasper opened the door for me, allowing me inside.

"Hey, whatcha got, Bro?" he asked, sliding the bottle from under my arm with raised eyebrows.

"Some old lady dropped this shit off," I replied, gesturing to the meatcake while urging him to take it from me.

He leaned over to sniff it, recoiling with a scowl. "That smells fucking nasty."

"Yeah, no shit. Can you take it?" It was now dripping grease through my fingers and onto the tile entryway. Jasper shook his head no, the fucker, while my grandfather came in, dressed in full Santa Claus garb clutching his belly.

He sighed, glaring at the shiny dripping package. "Edna was here, I see." I shrugged, having no fucking clue as to who the hell Edna was, but she certainly looked like an Edna…or a Marge. "About ninety years old…lots of fur…didn't say a word to you?" he clarified. I nodded and scowled. _Edna._

Gramps took the bottle from Jasper, inspected the label and opened it. He shrugged, taking a huge swig from the bottle, passing it to Jasper. Jasper took a swig, and then my father emerged from the kitchen when he heard the noise, grabbing the bottle so he could drink it as well.

"Dad, can you bring this in the kitchen for me?" Dad leaned over in the same manner Jasper had and wrinkled his nose. Like father like fucking son.

"Don't let that anywhere near your mom. She'll puke all over the place," he said pointing to the offensive mound in my outstretched hands. By this point, I was so irritated and uncomfortable with this thick oily shit oozing through my fingers and the vile smell making my stomach queasy.

Em bounded down the steps skipping the last few just to land in the grease dripping on the floor. He slipped a little, grabbing the railing to catch himself before falling flat on his ass.

"Jesus what the fuck smells like shit?" he asked with a wretched scowl on his face as he tried to get up.

This coming from the brother, who I assumed single handedly, made me evacuate my bedroom due to the inhuman stench caused by his gastric distress. He looked at me as he realized the odor was emitting from the shiny brick -o- disgustingness. I sighed exasperatedly while he began laughing at me and pointing at the bottle of booze now making its third round between the men of my family.

"Hey now...don't be jonesing the Brandy. Help a brother out."

"Can someone take this?" I begged. No one moved…they just kept drinking from the bottle until Bella and my grandmother rounded the corner. Gran began to laugh while covering her mouth. She declined the bottle pass, finally confiscating it only to turn around where she thought no one could see and took a sip while quietly handing it to Bella.

She sniffed the meatcake, her face suddenly crestfallen. "Oh, sweet dear Edna…she must have combined the meatloaf and fruitcake recipes, poor thing," Gran remarked, shaking her head.

"Ya think?" I replied sarcastically.

Bella took one look at me and laughed hysterically with a hand over her mouth, silently backing up as she retreated into the kitchen. _Traitor._

"Will someone fucking take this shit from me now!" I growled, bearing my teeth in frustration and irritation at my whole useless family.

My mother yelled from the kitchen, "Edward...language! Where are your manners?"

I huffed. "Oh… my… god…Will someone _please_ take this shit from me now!" _There they are, mom._

Finally, Bella came back with her hands full of paper towels and took the brick from me. I thanked her, following her into the kitchen to wash up as she muttered, "This could only happen to you, Edward."

The whole thing grossed me out and I swear the shit had imbedded itself into my sinuses. I headed back to the bathroom to shower the meatcake debacle of '09 stink off of my hands, hoping to God I never was in possession of a bomb that required defusing because my family would just stand around and drink brandy until it fucking exploded.

**~%~**

Church.

I hated the damn place, seriously I did. I didn't understand the bulk of what was said, nor did I feel the compulsion to even listen to it, and couldn't comprehend how people could put so much faith into an idea that wasn't even proven. The off key singing irritated me to no end, the Communion bread tasted like ass and the fact that they kept asking for money annoyed the shit out of me. The only thing that made it worth the trip was the wine and the fact that the pastor absolved us of our sins right at the beginning of the service.

Needless to say, I was not a religious person by any means.

However, we were forced to attend once a year, so my brothers and I sucked it up and dealt with forty five minutes of incessant droning by the pastor. It was a small neighborhood Lutheran church, definitely old but not without a certain charm and character. It was beautifully decorated in Christmas stuff with tons of crimson poinsettias and that made it feel warm and inviting. I thought to myself that it should feel sort of odd to decorate a Church for Christmas. I mean, shouldn't they just put up a big ass Happy Birthday banner and hand out like, party hats or some shit?

I chose not to sit next to Bella for obvious reasons, but she and I stole some glances at each other during the sermon, and that was enough to get me by.

Before Communion was offered, the pastor asked for everyone to proceed in exchanging of the peace or some shit, whereby everyone had to shake hands and hug and stuff. I huffed, as I hugged each member of my family and shook hands with a ton of fucking germy strangers, but the whole time shaking my head at the fact that the one person I really wanted to have my arms around I simply couldn't.

I heard Emmett whisper to Bella, "This is from Edward," and he hugged her hard. She wrapped her hands underneath his arms, returning the gesture while giving me the saddest look over his shoulder. It fucking broke me a little.

I whispered, "Merry Christmas, Baby, I love you," to her and she blew me a kiss and mouthed the same back.

Em leaned back over to me smiling and said, "I can squeeze her ass for you too, if you want."

I just rolled my eyes muttering, "Dick," but grateful at the same time for his thoughtfulness, as weird as that may have been. After the Communion, the choir sang Ave Maria and it was moving and beautiful and made my Mom close her eyes and rub her nonexistent belly. Bella said this long ass silent prayer as she knelt, and I couldn't help but wonder if the length of the prayer had anything to do with my situation. If that was the case I figured I had may as well get comfortable in my hard ass wooden pew because it was going to be a long night.

After dinner, we headed on home, opting out on the walk around town which was our usual routine because it had already begun to snow and…for other reasons. Bella was enamored with the falling flakes, and I knew she didn't want to go inside right away. So when we arrived back at the house, I took her outside so she could enjoy the view of the lake while I smoked a cigarette. Gran brought us steaming mugs of cocoa brimming with marshmallows and it reminded us both of when we sat on Bella's porch the night of our first date.

She looked so beautiful. She even had on the hat and glove set I got her. The snow was collecting in the long curls that fell across her back and shoulders. She was sticking out her tongue to catch the falling flakes and giggled when one actually made it into her mouth. I told her how much I loved her and how glad I was that she was here with me. I don't think she had any idea how much I truly meant that.

When we went inside thoroughly chilled and covered in wet snow, my father coerced me into playing the piano along side him, something we had done since I was little. I was the only one who had shown any talent or interest as a child, and the piano seemed to have been the thing that had bonded us together. The family stood around the baby grand singing Christmas carols while we played, like some corny fucked up disturbed version of a Norman Rockwell painting. But it was really nice nevertheless.

Then Gran requested for me to play O Holy Night whereby my dad removed himself from the seat beside me. As I played solo putting my heart and soul into the piece, the snow fell softly outside, while inside, silent tears streamed down cheeks of the three women I loved most in the world.

I slept beside Bella that night, not giving a shit if anyone knew or felt it was inappropriate to do so. It was Christmas and the only thing I had wanted or even asked for was to be close to her, so I figured if they had the nerve to bitch about it than they would simply be informed that they were ruining my life with their bullshit.

No one said a damn word.

That morning we trudged into the den still sleepy but excited, sitting under the tree to open gifts as per tradition. Gran and Gramps got us all Nintendo Wii game systems and a bunch of games. Of course, they gave me Major League Baseball 2K9 and I didn't know how to feel about their nonchalance so I glared at them scornfully for a while as they ignored me. I even fucking sighed animatedly...and they still ignored me. My Grandparents were good at that. The "gift and ignore" game. I believe they both thought that if they shoved baseball paraphernalia towards me that I would give in and play again. If it were only that simple.

Come to think of it, Bella had even tried that shit on me too with the stuff Phil had sent from California. It was a goddamn conspiracy, I tell you. The truth was, that I was itching to get my hands on that game, but I couldn't let anyone know that little fact.

There were also a shit load of boxes filled with some designer clothes and these really cool baseball hats for each of us, embroidered with the family crest on the front. They even gave Bella a pink one which she wore all morning. I loved that they thought of her as part of our family.

When Bella opened her purse and then the boots, I swear I thought she was going to have a fucking seizure or something. Her hands flailed all over the place and she couldn't speak any other words but endless, "Oh my God's," punctuated by a bunch of "The boots! The boots!"

Then my grandfather said, "Oh just hug the girl for God's sakes"…so I did…for a long time…

She sank into my waiting arms while we leaned against the arm of the couch. We hugged and swayed back and forth until it got awkward in the room and my family began to clear their throats and shit. Bella moved from my lap but continued to sit next to me. Every so often our knees would bump and she would turn and smile at me.

She whispered in my ear, "Just think of it as a kiss." I looked over to her at one point...she had on her pink baseball hat with like 3 bows stuck to the top, ribbons thrown around her neck like some sort of dime store Mardi Gras necklace and had her Christmas Plaid flannel pajama pants tucked into her thousand dollar Christian Dior boots. Nothing Vogue worthy but to me she looked like a million bucks simply because she was smiling and obviously fucking happier than I had seen her in a while.

Bella gave my mom and dad this huge cream leather-bound journal thing that was sort of an heirloom family tree book. The idea was that we could all write in it before the baby was born, because everything was going to change and she thought things should be documented and remembered how it was now. My mom loved it and honestly, it was a very thoughtful gift. It was one of the many reasons I loved Bella so much.

She gave me this funky leather cuff bracelet that I loved and a pale green cashmere sweater that looked entirely too expensive for Bella's budget. To be honest, I wasn't too confident about the color but once I tried it on, it made my eyes look fucking cool so I wore it all day. She also gave me a huge bag of Hershey's Kisses and Hugs whispering that they for all the times when she couldn't give me the real thing. I had to look away so that she couldn't see the pain on my face at those words.

My parents got Bella, Rose and Alice gift certificates at some swanky high end lingerie store in Seattle which I thought was pretty thoughtful considering they knew the purchases would likely be used while having sex with at least two of their children.

They got the three of us helmets, which when we opened them, we instantly thought we were getting motorcycles. Instead, dad handed us pictures of ATV's which was just as cool. He figured that since we lived in such a remote wooded area, we should make use of the acreage. My mother was obviously pissed about the whole idea of us on Quads, until she opened the box with the keys to her brand new Mercedes seven passenger SUV in it, and then all was forgotten and forgiven for the time being.

All of the guys, including my grandfather got little remote control helicopters from Bella that seriously, were the best gifts ever. The five of us battled it out like little kids, smashing into each other's aircrafts until Emmett's blade fell off and he almost cried. Gramps was called in for emergency surgery right after breakfast, which sucked, temporarily ending our helicopter war.

The rest of the day was spent playing video games and eating Christmas cookies and pulverizing the shit out of Bella in ping pong. Seriously, the girl sucked at any type of sport and was actually damn proud of it. At least unlike with her blatant disregard for any type of strategy in bowling, she put some genuine effort into her swings…but she still sucked regardless.

By the time Gran had the lobster tails on the table, Gramps was back from the hospital, exhausted and covered in snow. Jasper the smart-assed fucker he is, challenged me to make reindeer out of the dinner napkins, as if that were even possible. I mean, come on… how would I make the fucking antlers? I refused to indulge in his stupidity, so instead I made flowers and stuck them in the wine goblets. Emmett shook his head at me, completely disgusted with my domesticity.

We ate like slobs licking the butter off our fingers and talking with our mouths full. We had homemade cherry pie topped with ice cream and then watched "It's A Wonderful Life" until everyone was passed out. I loved that movie, and had a weird fondness for Mary for some unknown reason.

The next day we were pretty much snowed in because the plow service was delayed indefinitely. The hospital paid for it because if they needed my grandfather in an emergency the last thing they wanted to hear was that he couldn't get out of his drive. We spent the entire fucking day shoveling the huge ass driveway and using the stupid snow blower which completely sucked and made me smell like gasoline and made my hands and arms vibrate even after I turned the fucker off.

Then Bella came out and decided to make a snow angel in the middle of the lawn. I hit her smack-dab in the middle of her ass with a snowball, told her it was a love tap and smirked, while shrugging my shoulders innocently.

Apparently, that was the only way I was ever going to tap that ass…

At least I still had good aim with a ball. She winked at me, picked up some snow and attempted to make a snow ball. She took a while to line up her shot and made some grand gesture to throw it at me. It sailed over my head by a mile and smacked my dad right in the back of his head.

And with that she said, "Oh shit," and ran back into the house. That was the best part of the day.

By Monday morning we were all kind of stir crazy and cabin fevered, but I was really afraid to go anywhere local. Em and Jazz wanted to check out this all inclusive sports arena thing that had opened in the neighborhood. I asked Bella if she wanted to go and she politely declined saying that she would prefer to keep the public humiliation of her lack of athletic skills limited to my grandparents rec room and Forks high school gymnasium, and then added that she would rather have her toenails ripped out one by one than to be subjected to the torture of being forced to participate in anything having to do with sports.

Sometimes I wished she would tell me how she really felt.

My mom and grandmother invited her shopping with them, making both of us elated that she was able to get out of the house to do something she liked. I couldn't help but smirk when I overheard her ask if there was a Victoria's secret in the vicinity, and then quickly cover it up by saying she left her black bra at home, which I knew was bullshit, because I had seen her black bra hanging in the bathroom. In fact, I think I may have even felt it up a time or two. Yeah… I was that fucking desperate.

As she went off to shower, I did the same, alone this time… nursing and caring for my poor, chafed peen delicately with an ultra soft washcloth. It reminded me of bald little old man, chaffed and wind burned, sitting between two giant boulders. All alone, with no one to love.

_Jesus Christ, I am a fucking pansy. Most guys think of their dicks as Anacondas or Generals or Transformers...mine looks like the guy from Laugh In that can't get on the park bench with out being beat up by the pigeon lady. First Candid Camera, now Laugh In. Maybe I should call Aro the Fucker and see if he would like to make a deal. I'll give you what ever is behind curtain number two if you give me my fucking life back._

_I really needed to stop watching that 70's shit on late night TV. _

After washing and shaving my sensitive parts thoroughly with extreme care and caution, I poured some shampoo into my palm, massaging my scalp as I washed, wondering what it would feel like when Bella ran her hands through my hair. I was suddenly disturbed from my musings by Emmett, who without even knocking, barged in, on the phone with Rosalie to take a piss. It was unlike me to forget to lock the door.

"Bro, don't you fucking knock?" I chided, shaking my head. He ignored me, continuing to argue as he relieved himself… while on the phone…with his girlfriend. I wondered if she could hear him and if it grossed her out.

_It would serve him right if he dropped his fucking phone right into the toilet._

"Em, don't flush, okay," I implored, reminding him about the fact that despite the new façade of my grandparents house, the bones of the place were fucking old and couldn't handle continuity in the water temperature once a toilet was flushed. He ignored me, pleading with Rose to listen to him. He was so fucking pussy whipped.

_Yeah, I know…I'm one to talk._

I rinsed the soap from my hair, shutting my eyes tightly. I heard the noisy stream of his piss hitting the water ease up, and I repeated to him again, "Em…don't fucking flush, okay?"

No answer. Motherfucker…

Still bantering back and forth on the phone, he zipped up his pants. "Emmett…don't flush the fucking toi…"

And mid sentence, he flushed the goddamn toilet, causing the nice, warm water to instantly replace with a boiling hot stream. It hit my dick first…my poor, battered, chafed up, bald dick was now completely scalded.

I screamed like a fucking girl, throwing open the glass door not giving a fuck that it slammed against the vanity top. Emmett held the phone away from his ear as his eyes widened in fear.

"Ooohhhfuck…call you back." As his phone snapped shut he tore ass out of the bathroom, barely making it to the bedroom door before I lunged onto his back, taking him down with a heavy thud on the carpet. I grabbed his head, smashing it repeatedly into the floor, half playfully, half-serious, completely disregarding that I was freezing, fucking sopping wet and stark naked practically mounting my brother.

Jasper, who was lying leisurely on his fire truck bed perusing through a porn magazine, peered up and casually remarked, "I am now going to have to burn my eyes out with bleach, thank you for that, fuckers."

Ignoring him, I continued my assault on Emmett until he managed to wriggle out of my hold to turn himself on his back. At some point, he tossed me across the room with one giant shove, the both of us laughing as we wrestled.

Suddenly, completely out of breath and with great surprise, Emmett said, "E…what the fuck is up with your dick? You jerked the skin right off it! And you mowed the lawn right down to the goddamn dirt!"

I looked down realizing that I was indeed in a sad state, just hanging my head in embarrassment. The little old dude hung his head too.

Emmett gasped with a snicker. "Holy fuck it is true what they say…you play with it long enough it will shrivel up and fall off! Jesus, E. Are you going blind too?

E ..can you see me? E talk to me buddy. I'm right here." He waved his hands in front of my face.

"It's your big brother. How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked sarcastically, as he flipped me off and I held back a smirk. "Aww fuck, Jazz, he's blind too." I smacked his hands away huffing and calling him an asshole.

"Seriously, what's wrong down there?" He made a circle with his hand in front of my naked crotch, his voice cracking with sincere concern.

Jasper gasped in realization of why I was shaven, sitting up. "Holy fuck! You did it didn't you? The Clone A Bone thing from the porn shop! Did it work? Did you use it?"

I buried my face in my hands, before grabbing a shirt that was lying errantly on the floor to cover myself.

_Jesus fucking Christ…as if my sex life wasn't embarrassing enough._

I sighed, bursting into laughter that I couldn't help. "Yes, yes and fucking no." Emmett demanded an explanation of what Jasper was speaking of, the three of us getting a good laugh out of it. I made them promise not to say anything to Bella, because I didn't want her to be embarrassed, or to think that I deliberately told them. Emmett practically congratulated me for my resourcefulness with both the sparklepeen and the inventiveness of the mitt, though ill resulting as it may have been.

But the fucker just couldn't leave well enough alone, because I could hear him singing, "Jingle balls, Jingle balls, Eddie's got no pubes…" as he walked out the door.

Once we arrived at the SportsPlex later that afternoon, everyone spilt up to go their own ways, except for my dad and I. While we checked out the various options together, he gave me this weird look, wrapping his arm over my shoulder. He swatted at the brim of my new baseball hat emblazoned with the Cullen family crest. Not only did I feel wholly privileged to wear it, but I got the distinct feeling that it made Carlisle proud to see me in it.

"This looks good on you," he said, almost beaming. "How you doing, kiddo?"

I shrugged. "Not bad. If it weren't for the antidepressants, though, I'd probably be a mess right now."

He nodded in agreement, exhaling. "I admire your strength. I am proud of you, and I know you don't like hearing that but it's true and I feel it's important to let you know that."

I smiled a little. "Thanks, Dad. I uh…I appreciate that. Hey listen, I have a question for you."

We turned the corner, nearing some batting cages. Just the sight of them made my heart race a little. I couldn't quite make the distinction between the feeling coming from anxiety, pent up fear or complete exhilaration. My gaze was fixated on this little kid, maybe ten years old or so, alone in a cage. His swing was off and I was itching to correct him. My father cleared his throat smiling a bit seeing right through me. It was if he could read my mind or some shit. Weird.

"You wanted to ask me something?"

"Oh…yeah. Um, I noticed that Bella's hair is falling out like… a lot. What's up with that?"

He cocked his head to the side with his eyebrows furrowed. "Is the hair loss so significant that she's balding in spots, or is it just excessive sporadic strands?" All I could picture in my mind was Bella sitting between my legs on the floor and me picking through her hair like some sort of fucking monkey.

"Um, no, she's definitely not balding…I don't think…but there's like hair all over the floor, on her pillowcase and in the drain and it's never been like that before. I would have noticed something like that. It sort of grosses me out."

"Well, everyone loses hair Edward, it's natural. But significant hair loss like that is often caused by a hormonal shift such as menopause or pregnancy..." He quirked his eyebrow at me expectantly.

I held my hands up in defense. "Well, it's not my kid, that's for sure. No dad, she's still uh… not…um…there's no way she's pregnant." I felt ashamed for telling my father such personal things about Bella. Surely, she wouldn't appreciate my dad knowing about her intact virginity. It was kind of ironic how something 50 years ago made a woman feel proud…now it just embarrassed her.

He chuckled, seemingly relieved. "Well, that's good then. It can also be caused by stress. Do you think it's possible that she's under stress? I am aware that she has anxiety and takes medication for it, so that's a likely contributor."

"Yeah…she has anxiety, but stress, really?" I honestly could only remember seeing her stressed out the day before Thanksgiving, and well, a few times when I had undergone some of my shit. "I wonder…I mean, the only thing that could possibly stress her out is…me."

Carlisle nodded. "That's not uncommon in relationships, Edward. She's likely taking on your anxiety as well as her own. You should speak to her about it. Maybe she could benefit from some therapy as well." His phone rang before I could reply. As he removed it from his pocket, he glanced at the screen and muttered, "Shit, it's the office, excuse me."

I stood for a moment amidst the startling sound of individual baseballs being catapulted out of pitching machines at a steady, rhythmic pace. I had been inside of batting cages practically all of my life, readying myself as I gripped the bat in proper form, anticipating the next pitch…preparing to swing, hitting that motherfucker into the back of the cage. It had been my favorite thing to do with my hands until I discovered the fine art of masturbation. At that point, I realized I was quite skilled with my hands in many diverse areas.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of the kid in the cage. I looked around to see if he was with an adult, but I saw no one waiting with him. He was obviously struggling with the bat, showing clear evidence that he was putting some genuine effort into what he was trying to do. But his whole demeanor was kind of melancholy and beleaguered.

It was so frustrating watching this kid. First of all, the bat he was using was the wrong damn size. Where the hell were his parents? He was in a Little League rated cage using a Pony rated bat. No wonder he couldn't hit the damn ball. He couldn't have been more than ten years old or so and should have been in a Bambino cage supplied with the correct equipment before he got injured. Did anyone even work in this fucking joint that knew what the hell they were doing?

He had a decent swing but with his bat being too big and the weight drop being off it was no wonder he couldn't get it around in time. Not to mention the machine was whizzing fastballs past his head. I could see he had some definite potential. His stance was okay but everything was working against him. His fucking elbow was constantly dropping which was frustrating to watch and I'm sure it was discouraging for him since he never connected with the ball. He obviously had no guidance and apparently once the jack offs here got your money they no longer gave two shits.

As I watched him, all these memories flooded my mind. It was so weird….like a fucking slide show presentation. All my years of watching and learning and repeating came back to me. Feet apart…Shoulders square….Heel up… Point and swing… Feet apart… Shoulders square… Heel up… Point and swing. I could still hear my coaches drilling that incessantly into my head. It was a basic rule learned the first day of Little League. And it was funny because after all these years it still ran through my head everytime I took the plate. Well, everytime I used to take the plate.

I repeated the mantra several times to myself as it was ingrained in my brain. Drawn like a moth to a flame, I slowly inched closer to the cage, latching my fingers through the holes in the fence and eventually positioning myself behind the little boy. Every time my mouth opened to speak, I closed it before I allowed words to escape. Fuck…was it my place? Who said he even wanted unsolicited advice from a has–been fuck up?

I surely couldn't get into trouble for harmlessly talking to a ten year old kid in a public place. What sucked the most was that I was fucking afraid to give him pointers thinking that someone looking on would think I was a pervert or something.

God…what the hell have they done to me?

I shook my head internally berating myself for the hesitation.

_Oh, man the fuck up already, Masen._

_Shit… I mean Cullen_.

"Hey Buddy…" The kid turned around timidly.

Releasing one hand from the bat, he pointed to his chest, "Me?"

I nodded, adding softly, "Can you press the red button there? I don't want the ball to come out when you aren't ready. Do you know you are in the wrong cage? This one is rated for Little League and up. How old are you?" I kept my tone soft and steady.

With big blue wide eyes, he replied, "I'm 10. Well, almost…I'll be 10 next month."

Definitely in the wrong place. "Why don't you come over here to this cage. The balls are slower and the distance is better." I used my head to point in the direction of the proper cage.

"But I still have 2 tokens in this machine," he said pointing.

"That's okay, I can cover you. Who are you here with?" I looked around again and still no parental units.

"Oh, um… my sister works here and my mom dropped me off so I can get a ride with her when she's done with work. She gives me tokens and I just wait for her until she's done." Well that explained a whole hell of a lot. This poor kid likely had no male role models in his life. It was an arrogant assumption to think that I had any right to think that just because he had poor batting skills.

"Let me see that bat. Can I show you something?" I quirked an eyebrow at him and kneeled down so we that were eye level. I remembered when I was little I hated to look up at people who were talking to me. "See right here, on the side of the bat. It tells you what division the bat is good for and the drop weight. Do you know what that is?" He looked at me all big eyed and curious shaking his head no.

"The drop is the weight difference between how long the bat is and how heavy it is. This bat is 32 inches long and weighs 29 ounces. I showed him the numbers on the butt of the handle. It's a negative 3 drop. See here, look." I showed him the big 3 with the minus sign in front of it. When I leaned the bat against him, it came about 4 inches above his waist.

"See how high this is against you? This bat is way too big and heavy that's one of the reasons you are struggling to hit."

"Oh," he said. "I picked it because it had flames on it."

I tried not to roll my eyes, knowing that at ten years old flames were a good enough reason to choose a bat. "Well I can understand that. It is cool looking but it's not the right size. Try this one." I put a few tokens in the correct machine, put his batting helmet back on him and sent him into the cage.

"Now listen… keep your shoulders up, feet apart. Pivot your right foot so your heel is up." He followed my directions to the letter. "Good. Good. Now keep your bat level and swing through the ball. Don't let your elbow drop. Keep it up like a triangle."

His elbow raised so that it was parallel to the floor. "Like this?" he asked apprehensively.

"Perfect. Now spread your legs apart a little wider." He did as he was told, shifting on the balls of his sneakers until he seemed comfortable with the stance.

"Good, now swing," I said, gesturing to the machine in front of us about to release a ball. It catapulted another ball over to him at which point the kid swung his bat in a near perfect arc smashing the ball into the net behind the device. He turned back toward me beaming.

"That was great, buddy. Try it again." I could see him going through the mantra in his head...feet apart… shoulders square…heel up… point and swing. He prepared himself to go again, this time definitely swinging for the fences. I could plainly see from his posture and overall heightened appearance that he was proud of himself. He finished out the tokens grinning widely.

I was about to walk off to find my father, who had yet to return, but the kid motioned with his hand for me to approach him. He opened the cage and I stood at the doorway.

"Thank you for your help. It worked, what you said!" He was so fucking happy it made my heart swell for him.

"Good, I'm glad to help," I replied.

"My name's Ethan, but my friends call me E sometimes," he said, proudly holding his hand out for me to shake.

I held my hand out to him in response, smirking at the little man in front of me. "I'm Edward, and my friends call me E too."

He grinned at that. "It's your turn now." He handed me the bat with the flames on it. One almost identical to the one in my equipment bag stuffed into the back of the garage.

I stood gaping at the bat he was generously holding out toward me, a shred of panic rising in my throat. Could I do this? What was the fucking big deal anyway…it was just a bat. But a part of me was just afraid to feel the aluminum in my hands again, knowing that once it was in my grip, and hearing the ping as the ball hit the sweet spot it would ignite that passion once again. Could I even fucking handle that?

Taking a deep breath, I took the bat from Little Man E and stepped back taking a few practice swings. The bat was a little off balance I was sure due to the amount of abuse it took here from all the know-nothing fuckers. It was pretty beat up, but then again, so was I. We matched in a fucked up kind of way. The paint was worn away where at one time colorful flames had been thoughtfully painted. The irony did not escape me.

E smiled up at me and handed me the helmet he had on and along with a token that I had placed on the bench in front of the cage.

"Go on in E," he said cheerfully. "I wanna see how a pro does it."

With a sigh and a meek almost apologetic smile, I replied, "I'm no pro, buddy."

"You are the closest thing I have ever been to one. Please, can I watch you? My sister doesn't get off work for another…" He glanced up at the large wall clock... "half hour. She gets off at three and I'm all out of tokens."

I immediately felt bad knowing that I had been the reason he wasted the rest of his tokens when I pulled him from the improper cage. I took the batters helmet from him, turned my baseball hat around and slipped it over my head. The weight and constriction of it around my head was so familiar it actually scared me a little. I adjusted it so the holes were over my ears and stepped into the cage. I then set the ball speed and tapped the painted faux home plate in front of me to make sure I was the correct distance away.

Then it happened.

THONK!

The ball escaped the machine and whizzed right by my head. I hadn't even seen it coming. I stepped back and shook my head. Replays of the day I lost my best friend and teammates played in my mind.

Standing in the judge's chamber.

The appalled look on my Mom's face.

The shitty grins of Charlotte's parents.

THONK!

Another ball right by me. I stepped back again, my heart racing and the beating pulsing thickly in my ears.

Ethan walked over to the fence. "You ok, Dude? You have to pay attention man…that ball almost clocked ya."

I looked up to see his concerned face. I could only imagine what he was thinking.

I nodded to him to let him know I had heard him before walking up to the plate. Seriously, I felt like I was fucking four years old again...scared, clueless, thrilled. I grinned slightly, remembering what the coach would tell me when I was little. "Don't let the balls just go by ya, Eddie. At least try to swing. Always go down swinging. At least you'll know you tried."

So the ball came again…feet apart…. shoulders straight… heel up…

And this time I fucking swung hitting right through the mother fucking ball. Right through all my hurt and pain and shame. Right through the antidepressants and the fucking panic attacks. Swung right through a year of faking my life and lies and fucking probation officers. Hit right through court imposed therapy and bullshit restraining orders. And I hit again and again and again until my wrists were killing me and my hands stung so bad they burned like they were on fire.

I looked over to Ethan. He was right there hanging on the fence the same position I was in not too long ago. Except this time, he was helping _me._ He offered me a huge smile, dimples big as the fucking Grand Canyon.

"That was awesome, Edward. I have to go, my sister just called me. Thanks again for your help. It was great meeting you." He waved as he turned to leave.

I called after him, "Hey Ethan? It was great meeting you too, buddy. Don't forget what I taught you, okay?" He walked away grinning.

Exhaling a huge exhausted, emotionally battered breath, I stepped out of the cage, leaned the bat against it and sat down my helmet. Picking up my tokens from their place on the bench, I walked away from the cage, my mind going a million directions.

Across the dome, I heard Em's hearty laugh as he, Jazz and dad hit a bucket of balls into a golf swing simulator. I stood back and watched as they joked with each other and tried to get one another to screw up. I glanced around the new facility. Foosball and pool tables over to the right. A pro shop to the left. A restaurant and a bar. This place was laid out. Too bad Forks didn't have something like this.

Then I saw it…a virtual pitching simulator. Shaking off the chills that crept down my spine, I walked towards it looking back to make sure they guys were still occupied. The tokens cupped in my hand suddenly felt like a thousand fucking pounds.

I read the directions, which seemed relatively simple: Throw the ball and a speed gun recorded how fast the ball was going when it hit the backdrop. Extra points for speed and accuracy if you hit the target. There was an outline of a batter painted on the screen with a target painted behind him.

An older gentleman walked over to me and sat down bucket of balls, handing me a pitchers mitt. I turned and looked at him quizzically.

"On the house," he said. "Thanks for taking the time with Ethan this afternoon. He needed someone to help him and I just don't have the time. You play?" He looked at me expectantly for a response.

"Used to." I answered him flatly.

"Well, for someone who 'used to' you are pretty damn good." As he turned and walked away, I mumbled my thanks to him not knowing if he heard or not.

With a tremendous amount of apprehension, I picked up the top ball. It was worn and scratched and really dirty, making me scrunch my nose at the thought of how many filthy hands had been sweating on it. Regardless, for some reason I felt the compulsion to sniff it. The leather aroma and the rough feel of it in my hand as I rand my thumb over the surface made my chest feel suddenly tight. I threw it up and caught it in the same hand over and over and over.

Again, the fucking power point display of "This is Your Life" flashed in my head.

My father signing the papers at the court house.

Going away to school.

My first line of coke.

Packing up my house.

Jazz saying goodbye to Emily.

My grandmother's tears when we stopped by that afternoon to tell her what happened.

Without even realizing it, the ball left my hand and soared towards the target. 74 mph the speed flashed. Fucking ball. The game taunted me by flashing the words _Little League Loser_ across the screen.

I picked up another ball and another and another. 78…78…80 mph.

I was starting to sweat. My hand hurt like a bitch from batting without a glove but I didn't give a fuck anymore. 82 mph..._High School Heartthrob_ ran across the screen. _Yeah, that's me_…

I hated this fucking game. Suddenly a voice came into my ear from behind me.

"You shaved your balls and now you throw like a girl." I turned to sneer. Fucking Emmett.

I knew he would never let me live it down. I threw again. 82 mph...82...84 ...85. _Joe Cool College_ flashed as the game continued to fuck with me.

"Jingle ball.. Jingle ball... Jingle ball...no cock," Em sang. I was beginning to hate him as much as this fucking machine. I turned to glare at him once again, seething. From my periphery, I saw Jazz and Dad standing quietly to the side. Seemed Em was the only one stupid enough to come near me.

Lifting my hand to the brim of my hat, I turned it backwards. The Cullen Crest was now covered with the sweat that had soaked through the cotton. I loathed sweaty hats.

I picked up another ball, this time with no fucking hesitation.

Fucking Peter and his fucking lies wanting to kick my ass.

Hurting Charlotte.

Having to run from a bowling ally like a fucking pussy.

My girl. Everything she was giving up to be with me. No hugs. No dances. No kissing. No sex.

Fuck this shit.

89 mph..90...

Emmett's even voice again, "I figured your balls would be faster…you know…since they are all smooth and all aerodynamic and shit. No wind resistance."

91 ...91...92 mph..._Sexy Semi-Pro_ flashed on the screen.

"Ed's nuts roasting on an open fire. Bella's bra glistening in the snow." Emmett was going to get his ass kicked.

93 mph...94...95...95...95...

With a grunt and an extension of my leg stretching over the mound, I let the last ball go with everything that was fucking burning inside me. My shoulder was screaming... my heart was about to jump out of my chest.

101 mph. _High Score_ flashed. Fireworks exploded on the screen in huge simulated bursts. Exhausted, and utterly fucking spent emotionally and physically, I sank down onto the mound…a broken train wreck. My knees automatically pulled up to my chest with my head hanging between, the sweat pouring off my forehead. The mitt hung loose in my burning hands with an empty bucket at my side.

Em's voice was again in my ear, only now I didn't have the resolve to challenge him. "How's it feel to throw them instead of stroke them for a change?" He extended his hand to pull me upright and then typed my name into the high score listing with a proud nod.

"Let's get you out of here and ice that shoulder. I knew you had it in you."

I was a sweating, shaking mess. My arm felt like a wet noodle, my hand was covered in blisters, my tee shirt was drenched in sweat. And my mind…well my mind was racing with a cacophony of scattered emotions that I couldn't quite grasp or even fathom that I would ever feel again.

Despite the looks I was receiving from the small crowd that had gathered, as well as the bewildered expressions on my dad and Jazz, I smirked outwardly.

I had finally mustered up the fucking balls to proudly take back what was mine leaving me to actually feel some semblance of what I had thought I would never get back…

The feeling of being worthy.

The feeling of being whole.

**~%~**


	26. Chapter 26 On Thin Ice

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 26~ On Thin Ice**

**Cause you're everything I want  
Baby, you're everything I need inside of me  
And you're everything I love  
And I just want to be with you  
It's true  
I fell in love with you  
I know  
I will never be alone**

I just want to find  
A way to make you mine

**First Glance~ Stephen Speaks**

**~Bella~**

I once had heard somewhere that you don't really know a person until you live with them.

The opportunity to live in a home with three teenage boys was a unique experience I would never forget, and as much as I had longed for siblings, I had since developed a sincere appreciation for being an only child. This trip allowed me to view Edward and his family in a whole new light. The boys had initially gone from being their polite, gentlemanly, on their very best behaviored selves, to just downright crass and disgusting and ugh… male.

Just walking past the bedroom the three of them shared was an act of assault and battery on my olfactory senses. The stink burned all my nose hairs off…and maybe even some of the ones on my head.

I suppose I was glad and should feel some sort of honor that they thought of me as one of their family, but the farting, burping, snot rockets, random wedgies and general gross boy behavior was going to take some getting used to.

Esme deserved a medal…a big gold one.

On the other hand, for two people that had been married for over ten years, Esme and Carlisle were for lack of a more appropriate term…horny. I caught them twice copping feels on each other and making out under the mistletoe….like hardcore porn making out. I mean it was sweet and stuff to some extent, but kind of gross at the same time because that was like, Edward's parents and the thought of them having sex was just…ewww. _And since she was pregnant, unless the baby was the result of the second Immaculate Conception, Edward must have realized that he was, indeed, the __only__ Cullen man not getting laid._

I didn't even mention it to him because he was going through enough and I didn't want to add upsetting visuals to the rest of his shit. I knew that personally witnessing Charlie and Maggie rubbing up against each other might send me over the edge. _It was a wonder why schools just didn't show pictures of parents having sex because __that__ would be a great form of birth control._

Because of the pretty severe setback from the bowling alley night, Edward was understandably displaying a little more OCD tendencies than usual, causing me to worry a bit. He had rearranged all the stuff in my bathroom and I'd watched him one afternoon tweaking all the photo frames set along the wooden fireplace mantle, so that they were just right. He even reorganized the ornaments on the Christmas tree so that they were completely symmetric. When he was shoveling the snow after Christmas, I watched him work in perfect consecutive paths, as opposed to the haphazard lines Em and Jasper created.

Even on Christmas morning as we were opening gifts, he would tear off the wrapping paper ever so carefully, fold it in half and then immediately deposit it into the trash bag before he progressed to open the gift. He had always been overly meticulous at home too, but I noticed it was growing progressively worse here. He wouldn't begin eating until his silverware was lined up, his water glass was full, and his food was neatly on his plate, none of it touching. By the time he put the first forkful into his mouth I wondered if it was even still warm. In the mean time, Em and Jazz were on their second helpings...calling him a fucking weirdo, effectively making it worse for him.

It was so bizarre, even more so than usual.

I totally got that he had some idiosyncrasies and quirks, and I loved him all the more for possessing them because they made Edward the beautiful freak that he was, but it seemed that being in Chicago was intensifying his eccentric behaviors. On top of it, he was having awful nightmares always about being chased or persecuted. He would end up in my room only to wake me up with his moaning and sleep talking that was clearly indicative of a nightmare.

Antidepressants were known for producing beautifully wild, vivid, realistic dreams that often left a person wondering if it was indeed dream at all, but unfortunately, as intense as the good dreams were, the bad ones held the same magnitude on the opposite spectrum. I would ask him about the dreams afterward, but he said he couldn't remember them at all. His eyes told me differently. I wasn't stupid enough to know they were Charlotte related and maybe even sexual in nature, and Edward was likely protecting me by not telling me the sordid details.

On his laptop, I looked up OCD and what I discovered was at least a bit of relief. It was common for a person that had overly neat tendencies to have those behaviors exacerbated by stress or anxiety. The situation with Charlotte at the bowling alley complied with the general overwhelming sense of angst with being back in the source of where it all had happened was bringing out Edward's deepest insecurities. He was afraid to leave the house, for fear of running onto Charlotte again and having irrational fears of being persecuted by old ladies wielding stinky meatloaf and quality liquor. And all the neatness stuff, well, it was apparent that essentially, Edward was over- controlling all of the things he could.

Though I wanted to, I never said anything to him. I just remained supportive and loving even though I was really worried. I wasn't like Freud or anything so I was basically going off of the textbook articles that Google was giving me, and honestly, I felt like if I went to Carlisle with my concerns, I was afraid Edward would feel as though I was betraying him…again. I really didn't know how to help him and that was very frustrating. I began to wonder if I left things messy purposely it would give him something to do...something to control. I could be a complete slob and then he could travel behind me like Mr. Clean. I bet he would still look hot if he were bald with an earring.

Since running into Charlotte at the bowling alley, I had sincerely given up on the idea that I could confront her, or talk some sense into her or smack the bitch upside the head…whatever the case may have allowed. Personally, I would have liked to get into a lying whore smack down as opposed to a civilized girl chat, but somehow I felt that would get Edward into some serious trouble and that was the last thing I had wanted. Honestly, when I stuck the heel of my new fuckawesome boots up her ass, I shuddered to think of that damage that would be done…to the boots of course.

Fuck that dumb bitch. And suddenly my life was the Forks version of the Jerry Springer show. All I needed was a baby daddy and fewer teeth.

Even so, I knew where she worked from the pictures she had made public on her Facebook account and I had been going through a myriad of ways in my mind to get there inconspicuously. One of the pictures had her holding up a certificate for her one year anniversary at the store, so I assumed that none of the Cullen's were aware that she worked there. So when Edward asked if I wanted to join him at some stupid sports arena, though I was saddened by the idea of spending the day without him, I accepted the invitation to go shopping, knowing it would be my only viable opportunity to do what I needed to do.

However the more preferable of the two options, the idea of shopping with Gran and Esme had me extremely nervous. I mean, not only for the reason that I was seeking out Edward's lying whore of an ex friend, but also for the skeptical way Esme had glared at me when I mentioned I wanted to swing by a Victoria's Secret. I had to lie about forgetting my bra, hoping that would placate her. But even if the glare wasn't because she suspected me of hunting down Charlotte, I knew that she would have found a way to stop me. And because she and Carlisle had given me and the girls certificates to an upscale lingerie store for Christmas, it didn't make sense that she would be mad about going to a lingerie store in Chicago.

I chalked it up to erratic pregnancy hormones…who knew?

Even though I had spent numerous family dinners and plenty of quality time conversing with Esme on social and personal levels, I still found it difficult to look her in the eye. There was an underlying tone of hers that indicated she knew her son and I were up to no good when we were alone. I wasn't quite sure if the subtle malevolence was because Edward could get into trouble with the law because of our illicit canoodling, or if it was just the mere fact that her baby boy was deflowering the girl next door with a sparkly replica of his penis. I mean she did "catch" us in the act sort of, that time in her guest suite, and she knew damn well that Edward had slept in my bed a few times here. My best guess was that she was under the assumption we were actually getting one another off in the traditional sense behind closed doors and lying our asses off about it. If that were only true.

I mean, if we were going to be blamed for something, we might as well have been guilty for actually doing it.

Regardless, every now and then I could feel her looking at me in this odd way, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. However, once we were knee high in after Christmas sales, we were actually having a very nice time. I got the distinct feeling that both Gran and Esme were enjoying the girlie bonding and the sense of normalcy I was providing them with even though I was a constant reminder to them about what Edward couldn't do.

I finally came to the realization somewhere between Nordstrom's sale racks and the vacant Santa display that Charlotte had not only ruined E's life but she had also single handedly ruined the lives of those he loved. I watched the interaction between Gran and Esme and realized that he was not the only one who lost a part of himself in this mess. They had all lost the Edward they knew and loved as well.

As we passed the popular lingerie store, with my heart thumping and palms sweating, I casually peered in to see if I could spot her. The shop was pretty crowded in the midst of their semi annual buy one get one half off or some shit, so I couldn't see much beyond the scantily clad size negative four mannequins in desperate need of a steak and a big ol' slab of cheesecake. My stomach was in knots and I was definitely undergoing an outer body experience thing because every time I thought of what I was planning on doing, I sent myself into the onset of a panic attack.

Who the hell was I kidding trying to attempt this? She would probably kick my ass right between the giant sparkly angel wings and the push up bras. But if it helped Edward, then I had to attempt to try. I owed him that much. At the very least, I would come home with a pair of black lace boy shorts for him to ogle my ass in. The other night, he had mumbled something about them in his sleep and then moaned. And lets face it… when my boy moaned I was putty in his capable not -able- to- touch- me -with- hands.

After two hours of perusing high-end stores and pushing our way in and out of sporadic crowds, Esme decided that it was time to eat because the baby was hungry. I was starving as well, but too nervous to really eat anything substantial. We ordered lunch at the food court, I took a few bites of my salad while they chatted and then I casually excused myself to go "buy my bra."

Like the chicken shit that I was, it took some time for me to actually enter the store. I paced outside the doors getting strange looks from the rent-a cops hired apparently to secure the rowdy bra buying crowd. My heart was beating particularly fast, and though I had no idea if she was even working, I was terrified by the thought of confrontation. But I gave myself a silent pep talk which included cringe worthy visuals of Edward's broken peen courtesy of me and my shitty hand job with that damn loofah mitt, took a deep cleansing breath, and finally stepped forward.

This was for E. Because no one other than his family stood up for him. No one believed in him and I had to right that wrong.

It took me like a good five minutes to even cross the threshold, all shaking and sweating and on the verge of vomiting into the c cups. I had the feeling that if I took a cursory glance in one of the many mirrors around the mall, my skin would be sporting a lovely green hue. Once I finally made it inside the lingerie store, I nodded to the skinny greeter chick at the entrance who cheerfully informed me of the half price sale that she apparently thought I was too incompetent to see the gigantic signage for, and made my way around the first table of panties. Craning my neck inconspicuously, I looked around for blonde hair, but found a plethora of too- skinny brunettes.

When the second pain in my ass salesgirl asked if I wanted help, I swallowed my fear. Without making eye contact I said in a very quiet voice, "Um…is Charlotte working today?" Half of me was ashamed because I really, really wanted to her to say no, so I could just get the hell out of there unscathed and untramatized. The other half…the bad ass bitch who was desperate to give her boyfriend back his life while at the same time wanted to lose her virginity half…said, "Bring it the fuck on."

But I reminded myself that I was here for a definite purpose, when she replied, "Oh yeah, she's on the fitting rooms today. Would you like me to get her for you?"

I almost threw up. I mean seriously, like… puked amongst the panties. "Um…no thank you, I'll find her," I replied in a tiny, very pathetic voice while swallowing past the gargantuan lump that had formed in my throat. She smiled, quickly fixed the mess that I had made of the panties in front of her and turned on her heel to harass someone else. Momentarily, my thoughts shifted to Edward, who would have a frigging field day amongst the neatly layered, color coordinated undies. He could cop a feel and colorize all at the same time. It would be like fucking Christmas and his birthday in one shot.

Because I couldn't just verbally accost the girl, I knew that I needed to devise some sort of surreptitious plan. I grabbed a few cute nightgowns on satin hangers, and made my way ever so slowly to the dressing room area praying that Charlotte didn't instantaneously recognize me from the bowling alley and freak. One of my wayward curls had popped into my line of vision, reminding me that I had worn my hair slicked back in a pony tail that night. But today, it was down in big poufy curls, because I had let it air dry, not wanting to lose any more hair than I had already been. We had been there for about three seconds before I jumped up to followed Edward in his abrupt escape, so I seriously doubted that she would have even been able to see anything but the back of me fleeing.

I stood at the entrance to the dressing room near the rack teeming with discarded clothes, throat dry and heart racing. My stomach lurched when I saw wisps of corn silk blonde hair lying against a black sweater. She was rehanging a pink nightgown onto clips of the satin hanger they had been removed from. I wasn't sure what I expected to see. Horns maybe peeking through her blonde locks…a pitchfork…fangs perhaps? But I took a good look at her before she was able to realize that I wasn't just another customer waiting to get her attention.

Charlotte was pretty. She had the silkiest blonde hair that fell just past her shoulders, big blue eyes and thick lashes framing them. She wore too much makeup in my opinion, and the shade of pink lipstick was much too insipid for her pale skin, but her simple diamond stud earrings and the platinum heart shaped ring on her third finger told me that she came from money. Her tailored black pants and simple sweater were elegant and clearly expensive, flattering her voluptuous curves. She definitely wasn't one of those waify brunette girls the store employed. I wondered why a girl with wealthy parents would even need to work at all.

In the seconds before her eyes met mine, I evaluated this girl standing to the left of me, so seemingly innocent and likeable. She knew what it felt like to hug Edward and to have her mouth on his, to be wrapped in his scent and she knew what it felt like to have him inside of her, to hear him moan because she was able to make him feel good, regardless if he was barely coherent at the time. She knew Edward before he was angry and bitter and broken. She was privileged enough to watch him grow from a boy to a young man, to witness the successes he achieved in sports and in school, to watch him able to be social with his large group of friends. She knew him when he smiled freely and when he was fun to be around, during a time he had absolute control of his life and his destiny until she took it away from him.

And as much as I wanted to run back to the safety of the food court, I knew I needed to do my very best to take that control back from her.

I watched her hands… freshly manicured nails with elegant white tips flutter over the fabric of the nightgown she was smoothing out. I imagined those hands on Edward…skimming his face, tangled in his hair. Maybe when she ran those nails down his chest, she touched his new piercing, causing him to hiss in pain…or maybe he didn't even feel it at all because he was so heavily medicated and inebriated. Maybe before he realized what was even happening, he enjoyed feeling her on top of him, being inside of her…

_Ugh…_

What she took from him so offhandedly, was so very, very precious to me. At the precise moment, I realized that not only did I absolutely loathe her for what she had done but I was also jealous of her for being able to do it. I never dawned on me how closely those two emotions ran until I looked at her hands.

_Dear God, _

_Please let this go well. Please give me the courage to actually speak to her and please, I beg you please make her listen. I know that I ask a lot from you but it all relates to the same thing and I would sacrifice anything I have if you could just…_

"Can I help you?" Her gleaming white smile was half-genuine, imposed simply because her position required her to be friendly and courteous. And though it was a monotonous question for her that she asked a million times a day, it was undoubtedly nothing but poignant for me.

"Yes, you can help me," I replied in a quick rush of breath, not really able to feel my voice or my hands and feet for that matter. She furrowed her blonde perfectly arched eyebrows at me, likely thinking about how weird I was, before taking the items from me to hang on the peg in the closest empty fitting room. Her hand brushed mine, warm and soft… hands that had been all over Edward when he wanted them and when he didn't.

Just as she turned to leave me, she said casually, "My name is Charlotte and I'll be right outside if you need anything." I almost hurled on her expensive black shoes.

Before she could leave, in a moment of instinctive self preservation that launched my innermost basic fight or flight response, I grabbed her hand in mine, stopping her.

_Stay strong, Bella. Edward needs you to do this._

"Charlotte…" I pressed my lips together, blinking at her blankly, still with her hand enclosed in mine. The irony of the fact that I was holding the hand of the girl who had prevented me from holding the hand of the boy I loved was not absent. Her smile faltered a bit as she studied my face in confusion. Her blue gaze skimmed down the length of my body quickly, assessing my clothes before resting at the top of my head and then back to my eyes.

She gasped, backing up a step. Her free hand covered her mouth and the pointed at me. "I _know_ you…you're were with Ed…you were at the bowling alley!"

_The bitch couldn't even say his name._

I nodded, confirming her observation. It dawned on me that she recognized me, which made me wonder just how long she had been hiding in the shadows at the bowling alley spying on us before she made her presence known.

"I need you to listen to me, please…" I begged. The stern, determined tone of voice that I had planned to use was lost in the anxiety of the confrontation. What was left was that of a little girl, begging to be heard, pleading to help the only person she had ever loved.

"I can't talk to you," she snapped, shaking her head back and forth, trying to pull her hand away from mine. I remained steadfast, scrutinizing her wavering tone. Her throat bobbed as she swallowed and her eyes blinked back tears.

_Fear?_

I knew getting to the point was crucial, as I did not have a lot of time before she bolted. "He told me what happened that night. He told me the truth. You don't understand what this has done to him, Charlotte. He's so…broken and damaged…and he's hurting so bad. What happened between the two of you changed everything for him…"

Her hand remained in mine, softening, as her shoulders slumped forward slightly.

_Guilt?_

Charlotte's voice softened to a whisper. "I can't talk to you…I'm not supposed to talk to anyone associated with him…"

"I know that and I'm sorry, but I didn't know what else to do. I am just asking you to listen, okay? And to just …please, please tell the truth. I am begging you to do the right thing." She shook her head vehemently, mashing her lips into a tight line, insistent that she needed to leave. In a last ditch effort to make the endeavor worth anything, I spilled forth Edwards's darkest secrets to his greatest enemy in the ultimate betrayal of trust.

"Charlotte, please…his court mandated therapy isn't working at all and he has to take medication just to function…he's having terrible nightmares and his OCD is so bad now…and he does destructive things to himself," I added, leaving out specifics, because I did not want to reveal that he was drinking and smoking weed and self medicating. Maybe she would take it as he was cutting or something…it wasn't true, but it could only help the situation further for her to think even worse things. Her eyes shut momentarily as she took in what I was telling her.

_Please sink in, please understand._

"He doesn't have any friends other than his brothers and…he refuses to even touch a baseball. His whole life is gone because of this. I didn't know him before, but the boy that you knew…the boy that you _loved_…is gone now. I need you to help me get him back. Please…please Charlotte." My knees buckled and tears sprang to my eyes as I implored her to tell the truth. "You were friends…you loved him…"

She covered her mouth to strangle a sob or a gasp, I couldn't quite tell. "He doesn't play ball anymore?" she asked, her eyes drenched in an emotion that appeared to be sorrow or maybe guilt or pity even. "I didn't know…I…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She shook her head, staring at one of the corners of the fitting room, suddenly detached… repeating, "I'm sorry."

"I love him so very, very much…and I can't even hold his hand," I whispered. Two fat tears rolled down her cheeks, which she swatted away quickly with the sleeve of her sweater. Whether it an admission of her untruths or just the fact that she felt badly about what she had done to him, I couldn't determine readily... but it felt as though I had made some progress.

_I had reached her._

However, as the sleeve rode up on her wrist, I noticed a thick purple line across the skin. It only took a second to see that it was obviously a print from a thumb being pressed aggressively against her wrist.

Before I could even think about the consequences, I spoke again. Like a metaphorical knight slaying the dragon directly through his heart, I targeted her weak spot.

"I know Peter still hurts you, Charlotte. I saw the bruise. Are you going to keep letting him hurt you? Who are you going to blame it on this time?" Charlotte's crushed demeanor quickly shifted as she wriggled her hand away from mine to wrap her arms around herself defensively. She glared at me.

Her eyes hardened and narrowed. "You don't know anything," she snapped. Someone called out her name behind the fitting room door. "I have to go now, I have customers."

I nodded, knowing I had completely blown it by bringing up Peter. "Thank you for listening," I added softly as she disappeared through the doorway, not looking back.

_I had lost her._

As quickly as she exited, I did the same, disregarding the items hanging on the peg and the cheerful, "Have a good day!" called out by the salesgirl as I fled the store. Pushing my way through the crowds, I arrived back at the food court just in time to see Esme and Gran tossing their leftovers in the trash.

"Oh good you're back, we were just coming to find you," Esme smiled. She reached out to smooth a curl away from my face. The gesture was so affectionate, so motherly and loving, that it made me long for my own mother's hand. "Are you okay, Sweetie? You look as though you've been crying."

I shook my head, fighting the urge to let the obviously waiting tears go. "I just don't feel well. Do you mind if we go?" I asked, failing to control the tremors in both my voice and my hands. They both nodded, looking at each other in motherly concern.

The drive home was quiet. I sat in the back contemplative and sulking, feeling guilty about my intentions of not telling Edward about what I had done. I knew it was wrong to lie, or in this case omit, but my talk with Charlotte didn't seem to do anything but agitate her in the end. And now I just had to hope and pray that she wouldn't "tell on me."

_All I did was fucking pray these days. My knees were getting sore._

By the time we pulled in the driveway, the sun had set and Gran had called home for someone to defrost a tray of lasagna from the freezer. I was still starving with a dull hunger headache biting over my eyes, but had no actual appetite. I had convinced myself that I had done the right thing by talking to Charlotte, and that to tell Edward about it would be for naught. He didn't need the extra stress.

My objective was to grab some Advil and lie down, but when I saw Edward straddling the back of a kitchen chair shirtless, it shocked me so much that I stood frozen in the doorway. Good God he was beautiful. Emmett was behind him with a Ziploc full of ice, pressing one hand into Edward's shoulder, and the bag of ice just underneath. Edward's beautiful handsome face twisted into an obviously pained expression as the cold hit his bare flesh, an aching groan coming from his mouth as his head lolled forward. It's funny how a moan from his mouth went directly to my lady bits.

"My God, what happened?" Esme screeched, dropping her shopping bags as she darted to her son's side.

Edward looked up, met my gaze and this crazy half crooked smile/ half smirk thing lit up the soft lines of his face. I had never seen this grin before…it was entirely new. Ignoring his mother's panic, he whispered, "Hey Beautiful."

"Hi Handsome, are you okay?" I whispered, stopping inches from his chair to squat down in front of him. The brim of his baseball hat was low on his forehead, so I had to lift it off to see his eyes. He ran a hand through his sweaty matted hair apologetically.

"Sorry, I'm sweaty mess. But I'm…I'm good." He smirked again, looking down and hissing when Emmett kneaded his shoulder deeper. "Em…easy, Bro."

"My boy Eddie here found himself a virtual pitching machine. Fucking kid threw a fastball at 101 miles an hour." Emmett beamed proudly shooting his gaze toward me. Esme gasped, exchanging a glance with Emmett and then me.

"I assume that's good?" I asked innocently, wishing I knew more about the sport.

Edward shrugged his shoulders wincing with the action and muttering "Ow. Fuck," under his breath.

"Are you kidding? It's amazing!" Emmett replied.

"The world record is 103," Carlisle responded with proud fatherly enthusiasm, walking in from the den. He kissed Esme on the lips hard, making all of us snort and look away uncomfortably, before ruffling Edward's hair and ducking into the fridge for a beer.

"I'm telling you, the monitor was wrong. There's no way Edward would be able to throw a ball that fast with his arm being out of shape for so long. It's like physically impossible. Pros on their best day don't throw that fast." Jasper shoveled a heaping handful of Cheese Doodles into his mouth. He tilted the bag toward me, and I stuck my hand inside greedily. Without a sound, Edward opened his mouth expecting me to feed him, which I gladly did.

"Come on…you saw it Jazz. E threw that ball at 101," Emmett argued. His family talked over each other excitedly arguing about whether it was possible, and then arguing about why they were even arguing in the first place, none of them really aware of the big picture…that Edward had picked up the fucking ball in the first place.

On both the inside and outside I was beaming for him with elation, entirely overshadowing my angst from the mall. It was a huge step for him, and Edward's overall demeanor showed that he was not only proud of himself, but unquestionably exuberant. His eyes were alight and almost sparkly.

Emmett pursed his lips defiantly. "Well if that's the case then, maybe it was even faster. I mean, who's to say he couldn't throw that ball at like…one hundred and six miles per hour?"

Edward rolled his eyes dramatically, obviously growing annoyed and uncomfortable at the attention. "Em…anything over one hundred and three is practically impossible. It's a simple law of physics. There is a definite limit to how much torque a human can produce." He turned to me explaining, "Torque is the angular force that causes a change in rotation."

"Sure, of course," I mumbled rolling my eyes as if I understood any of that. I had been completely distracted because I couldn't stop staring at his nipples through the open slats of the chair back.

"The reason that pitchers struggle to throw a ball faster than one hundred and three miles per hour is because once you get to that speed, if a person were to put any more torque on their elbow, it would probably snap. It's um…I think…80 Newton-meters of torque on a pitchers elbow when he throws it at 100 mph, which is about all the human body can take. That's why pitchers can't to go past that point." He shrugged as everyone stared at him incredulously. I loved that he was so smart.

_Who knew science could be so panty dampening? Edward should teach Biology naked. All the girls would get A's._

"Besides, Em. Jazz is right. The fastest they ever clocked me during the All Stars practices was at 97 miles per hour and that was on my best day when I was in prime form. It's just stupid sports arena game. I can't put too much weight on that score. Still…it felt fucking good." He smiled again to himself, hissing once more at Emmett's fingers digging into his shoulder.

"Here, Tink you take over. I gotta take a piss." Emmett thrust the bag of ice at me, scooped a handful of Cheese Doodles into his mouth and walked off chomping. Esme tisked as she swiped the bag off the table before her children could be further enticed by the magical powers of powdered artificial cheesy goodness.

I moved to stand behind Edward, placing the bag of ice on his reddened shoulder blade where Emmett had positioned it prior. My eyes followed the line of his spine as it disappeared into his sweats…his little ass dimples prominent and so annoyingly inviting. And then, because I was so unbelievably proud and happy for him, and sort of worked up over him being half naked in front of me, I placed the briefest of kisses on the nape of his neck just under his damp hair. He sighed almost inaudibly as a visible shiver ran through him. While Gran and Esme had their backs turned as they busied themselves preparing dinner, I leaned down and whispered into his ear.

"How's your peen?"

He snickered, whispering back, "It's much better, why?"

"The idea of you playing baseball again makes me so fucking hot I want to touch myself." Edward looked at me over his shoulder, through his lashes, and bit down on his lip…hard. He stood abruptly, took the ice from me, tossed the bag into the sink and told his mother he was going to shower. Fifteen minutes later, slightly damp and smelling of soap and a hint of cologne, he found his way to my bedroom. Though disappointed that I had come home without any new panties, he watched me bring myself to orgasm while he gave himself a gentle rubbing with extra lube until he came panting and cursing in his own hand.

Afterward with our post masturbatory glows lingering, we stretched out on the bed together, face to face as he told me about the little boy he helped and the way pitching into that simulator made him feel a distinct sense of control. His eyes held so many different emotions…complex yet unguarded. In the four months I had known and loved him, I hadn't had the opportunity or the privilege to have experienced half of those emotions yet…those emotions evoked by something I could never fully understand. I was abundantly aware that baseball held an immense passion for him, but until I listened intently to him describe the way the ball felt in his sweaty palm and the smile on little Ethan's face when the boy hit the ball, I hadn't realized just how much of Eddie Masen had been left behind in Chicago.

And though I was unbelievably and genuinely happy for him and the remarkable gains he had made in one afternoon, a very small part of me, a very scared and selfish part, was afraid that once he recovered that person he had lost, Eddie Masen wouldn't have room in his life for Bella Swan. The two people, two markedly different people with equally diverse personalities were merging together.

I just hoped that Eddie Masen and Edward Cullen could learn to cohabit amicably amongst one another and that I would be able to handle them both.

_That would be the weirdest menage e trois ever_. _It would also be totally fucking hot._

I'd woken that next morning earlier than anyone in the house. The silence was nearly deafening but very much welcomed in a home with three raucous teenage boys and four always- chattering adults. After making a huge pot of coffee, I stood with my steaming mug at the door to watch the sun rise as it glistened over the lake.

In that moment, I said a silent prayer to God thanking him for allowing Edward to experience what he did at the sports place, bust selfishly, I asked that he still continue to grant the big miracle that we needed. I felt it was a lot to ask, and maybe the baseball thing was all we were going to get. Still, I held the hope that Edward's life would return to normal somehow, even if I had nothing, something or everything to do with it.

**~%~**

After I showered and dressed, I followed the delicious smell to the kitchen like some kind of trendy bloodhound. My mouth watered as I leaned against the door frame, watching with the sort of feeling that made me want to say, "Awwww" and call Alice and Rose because my boyfriend was so fucking cute. Gran was teaching him how to cook French toast.

"Like this?" he asked, looking to her for approval as he cracked an egg into a bowl. She showed him how to get the bit of shell out and then she instructed him on how much milk and vanilla to add. Gran gave his back a little affectionate pat. While he whisked the mixture with a little hiss from the still aching shoulder, I watched the muscles in his back flex through his fitted thermal shirt, and my gaze may have settled on his denim covered ass a little too long. But who says anyone has a specific measure of time appropriate to ogle their boyfriend's ass anyway?

I waited a few more minutes before interrupting, because not only did I like the view, I wanted to give E the time to spend with his grandmother.

"Morning," I said finally.

Edward turned around smiling brightly. "Hey Beautiful. Are you hungry?" He was actually _chipper. _

_Edward was never chipper._

I set the table for eight, as the family slowly filed in and sat in their seats. I swear to God it was the best damn French toast I had ever eaten in my life and I think Esme wholeheartedly agreed because she ate six pieces…one more than Emmett. Edward was actually blushing with all the compliments and he finally had to threaten to never make it again if everyone didn't shut up about it. It was stupid…but I couldn't have been more proud of him.

Esme and Carlisle announced that that they were planning to have lunch with friends of theirs in Milwaukee. They asked Edward and I if we wanted to come along, but he declined with a scowl, remarking, "No offense, but I don't want to get out of the house that badly to tag along with a bunch of uh…old people."

Carlisle explained with a very comical eye roll that was frighteningly reminiscent of Emmett, that Milwaukee had a bunch of things Edward and I could do without having to worry about immediate contact with unsavory persons. Hearing that, he and I both agreed that it was a great idea after all. I was excited to spend the day alone with him and semi- free of fear.

As the four of us drove down I-94 from downtown Chicago toward downtown Milwaukee, we passed through Gurnee, where there was a Six Flags on one side of the highway and an Outlet Mall on the other. Edward and I looked at each other coyly when we spotted the outlet mall because it went without saying that we could have easily spent the day shopping and have been happier than two pigs in shit. But that was something we could do in Seattle, so we decided that we would prefer something more adventurous while on our only day out.

"Hey look Dad, they put in a water park at Six Flags." Edward remarked about the closed for the season theme park, sounding like a little boy.

"Maybe we'll come back in the summer," Carlisle said, peering at him through the rearview mirror. Edward smiled at me, mouthing the word _bathing suit_ while licking his lips suggestively.

Edward's eyes widened. He chuckled as he turned toward me. "Hey…this one time when we were on vacation in Cancun my dad…"

"Edward, come on…" Carlisle whined, clearly not happy with his telling the story.

"No, tell her, tell her!" Esme said laughing.

Edward continued. "So the hotel we were staying at had this like giant water park thing. And we're all having a great time you know? My dad's like swimming around in the wave pool and he sees my mom on a float with her sunglasses on and a drink in her hand. So my dad…thinking he's all stealth like and shit, sneaks underneath the raft and flips her over. Only…it's not my mom…it's some other lady who has on a similar bathing suit," he laughed.

"She was so pissed, she almost called security," Esme added with a giggle from the front seat.

"So then the next day, we're at the regular pool, and my dad goes to pinch my mom's ass under water…"

"Oh no! Don't tell me it was the same woman?" I asked gasping.

They all burst out laughing, even Carlisle. "Oh, her husband was ready to kill me," Carlisle added. "I promised never to take off my glasses in the pool again."

"Every young brunette woman at the hotel knew to watch out for the Poolside Perv after that."

Carlisle chuckled. "Yeah, that's Doctor Poolside Perv, thank you very much."

"That is too funny," I remarked, still giggling though I wondered if Tanya and her family were there too. I didn't ask.

I couldn't help but notice that Edward seemed so uncharacteristically relaxed and at ease. I actually asked him if he took a Xanax before we left the house. He shook his head no, just smiling and playing with the ends of my scarf. He seemed to like the soft fringe on the ends and the way it felt as he ran it through his fingers.

Edward's face lit up as he pointed to what he told me was Miller Park – home of the Milwaukee Brewers baseball team. He told me all about the All-Star game Carlisle brought the boys to see when they were younger and I listened not necessarily spellbound by what he was saying, but by how excited he was to tell me. He and Carlisle began to talk about the statistics and boring parts of baseball again, and as much as I wanted to love it too, I felt my thoughts glaze over with visions of designer boots and pink sparkly things. I wasn't intentionally trying to be selfish, it was that I just didn't get it completely. It wasn't my fault that I was born lacking a sports gene.

Eventually, we pulled into a spot in downtown Milwaukee and Esme asked us for like the fourth time if we wanted to have lunch with them at the Pfister Hotel. It was old and elegant and definitely seemed too grown up for us. Sensing the same thing, Edward assured her we would be fine on our own before we bid them farewell agreeing to meet them back at the car in three hours. Edward lit two cigarettes for us as we walked, talking about nothing and everything, looking into shop windows along the way. It was nice just to not have any pressure to do or be anywhere specific.

And then as we strolled along I stopped short. It took but a minute for me to see the large outdoor skating rink lined with colorfully lit Christmas trees to know that I absolutely wanted to ice-skate.

"Seriously?" he said quirking an eyebrow. "You are going to break your arm or something. I won't even be able to pick you up if you fall," he said, shaking his head no.

"I'll be fine. Come on, I wanna skate. Pleeeeeaaaassse?" I bounced up on my heels trying to convince him that I wouldn't get hurt, though I didn't blame him one bit for being overly cautious considering the number of times my face had kissed the ground unintentionally.

"B…" he wined. "We're going to have to rent skanky skates and I'm only wearing one pair of socks." I rolled my eyes at him, grabbing the ends of his gray wool scarf that Esme insisted he wear. "Let's go shopping…or look…" he pointed to the glass building across from the rink. "There's a show at the performing Arts Center. Ooooh…The Nutcracker. You like nuts right?"

_Why yes…yes I do._

"Stop trying to stall and come you big baby. When we get home I'll clean your feet with a Clorox wet wipe then for good measure give you a Lysol spray down," I said, pulling him by the leash I had created. He threw back his head in defeat and sighed.

"Fine. But if I get foot fungus I'll never speak to you again. And if you break your arm I'm gonna laugh at you when you cry."

"No you won't. You love me."

We crossed the street, waited on a short line to rent the skates, and hit the ice. Now, I had to say that pretty much anything physical that I had seen Edward attempt he was exceptionally good at.

But ice skating…not so much.

It was then I understood why he was so reluctant to try. He was scared. The rink had only about ten people or so skating the perimeter, most of them little kids with their parents. I stepped on the ice, gliding out a few feet before I stopped and turned in a circle. It was a bit shaky as it had been at least five years since I had been skating, but it wasn't half bad considering he was expecting me to fall on my face. Edward gasped, holding onto the railing. His eyes narrowed into tiny slits.

"You're good at this." It was more of a question than an observation.

I nodded cockily. "Yup. When we first moved, my mom didn't like leaving me home alone after school, so I took lessons at the Y. It took me three times as long as the other girls in my group to get the basics, but eventually I got the gist." I spun around in a circle again, all the little tricks coming back into memory. "Okay listen. Bend your knees and like…march a little."

Edward made a face, bowing his head. "You're seriously going to make me do this? Can't I just stay here and watch you. You're so pretty to look at with the winter wind blowing through your hair and your cheeks all glowing rosy and stuff… you look like a beautiful angel in the snow." He sort of sang the last part, trying to entice me into letting him off the hook by distracting me with sweet talk.

"Flattery will get you nowhere buddy. Come…" I said, gesturing with my hand for him to move outward away from the wooden perimeter. Edward took a tentative step forward, letting his skate slide on the ice. I coaxed him with my hands as he took another step forward. I skated backwards while he moved toward me. He was shaky and definitely scared but he was trying and that was cool with me.

"Good, see that wasn't so har…" and before I could finish the word, without warning his feet flailed underneath him sending him smacking to the ground flat on his back. He groaned about his shoulder as he lay unmoving on the ice. The whine in his voice told me he was fine, so I showed him how to get up, because I couldn't extend my hand to him. Eventually he rose, trying again.

"B, I swear to God, if tomorrow I have bruises on my ass I am going to make you suffer," he kidded. I leaned over to whisper that I would kiss them if I could. As he moved forward again, I skated around him in a swizzle, moving my skates inward and outward like an hourglass to the music pouring from the speakers.

Edward muttered, "Show off." I smiled at him, ignoring his jealous ramblings and really taking enjoyment from being able to do something better than him.

"Oh shit!" he yelled right before he face planted into the ice. I skated right in front of him, kneeling to put my face right into his.

"Are you okay, baby?"

"Just great, Honey," he replied with a generous amount of sarcasm. "I'm having such a good time." He said it through gritted teeth, but I could tell he was joking. Edward finally righted himself, brushing the ice off his black wool coat. He stepped forward, braving the ice again. We were in the way of the other skaters who were cautiously swerving around us, so I coaxed him into the center where he was less likely to be run over.

"Don't you want to strive for excellence, Edward? Don't you want to be the very best you can be?" I repeated his words from the bowling alley, taunting him.

He sneered at me, before he shook his head and laughed out loud. "No. I don't. I am perfectly content with sucking at this."

Once in the center of the ice, Edward stood there unmoving, glaring at me while I skated around him in circles. My off-white coat flared out at the hemline when I did, and I imagined being a little girl again twirling in a frilly party dress.

He was so serious, all wrapped up in his scarf and gloves that his mom made him wear, and even though he was insanely hot, I just found it hysterical. So I whipped out my camera from my coat pocket and snapped a picture. Edward was pissed.

"Aww come on," he said throwing his hands up in the air like a petulant child. "You're documenting my humiliation! Gimme that camera."

"No way. Say cheese." The flash made him blink rapidly. It was terribly mean, because I knew damn well he wouldn't dare try to snatch it from me.

"B…stop…come on baby." He was so cute when he whined. "Fine…whatever. Take emasculating pictures of me in crappy rented skates. You broke my dick, I have bald balls… so what does it even matter?" He was chuckling, but I could tell he was serious too. I skated around him taunting him with my lip posed outward in a pout. He began to just ignore me then, shutting his eyes.

"What are you doing?" I skidded to a stop in front of him, making the ice snowplow under my skate.

"Pretending I am home, warm in my racecar bed, not wearing these fungus infested skates," he deadpanned.

I made a figure eight. "Am I there with you?"

"Nope. Just me and my hand."

"That's sad. I could be there with you, you know." I pulled my long striped scarf off, draping it around his neck.

"No, you're here, making fun of me. You can't be in two places at once."

"How are you there and here too then?" I grabbed one end and began to skate around him. The scarf wrapped around his neck and chin. He stayed unmoving, eyes closed.

"Cause it's my fantasy and I can do whatever I want." He stuck his tongue out at me.

"I'm usually naked in your fantasies," I said matter of factly, grabbing the other end of the scarf to head the opposite direction.

"Not this one. Just me and Rosey Palmer. Now be quiet, your ruing my date." I heard him try to stifle a chuckle.

"Who the hell is Rosey Palmer?" _Does she go to Forks High? _

Edward smirked and wiggled his fingers, indicating the Rosey Palmer was his hand. _Ewwwww_.

I rolled my eyes, clicking my tongue on the roof of my mouth in annoyance. "When you graduate the third grade, call me okay?"

"Yeah… I'll be sure to do that. I'm hungry. And cold. And I want a cigarette." His words were muffled by the crazy striped scarf that was now wound around his neck, chin and most of his cheeks. He was just green eyes, perfectly coiffed brows and forehead. Oh and mop of windblown, crazy, beautiful hair.

I huffed. Edward just stood there wrapped in my scarf looking completely ludicrous and he knew it. "You look ridiculous right now," I laughed, snapping another picture. He thrusted his gloved hand out and I placed the camera in his palm.

"I don't care. I'll never see these people again, what do I give a shit what they think?" Again, the words garbled by the scarf covering his face. It was basically just eyes peeking out of the top.

"Really? You're not embarrassed?" I questioned with my hands placed on my hips.

"Nope. Not at all."

Thanking the good lord for some perfect timing, I shook my fists in the air waggling my ass to the corny sounds of an old Marky Mark song playing on the speakers.

And because I was feeling provocative, I challenged him. "How 'bout now?"

"Don't care."

Rose, Alice, Jessica and Lauren and I had done a routine to this song in fourth grade talent show. We rocked the motherfucking gymnasium. The dance steps came flooding back to me as though it was yesterday, but it was a lot harder to bust the moves on skates. I did some gyrations and spins completely embarrassing myself as a few people off to the side began to laugh at my antics.

"Feel the vibrations!" I sang animatedly jutting my elbows out to either of my sides. Edward hadn't moved and was still wrapped in my scarf emotionless in the center of the ice. I skated around him still dancing and trying to recreate the moves from back in the day. I so wished the girls could be there to see my outstanding tribute. "The rhythm and the rhyme!" I yelled. It was completely over the top, but I didn't care, because like he said earlier, we would never see any of these people again.

Edward's hand moved to his face. Pulling the striped scarf down past his mouth. "You are fabulous. Can we go now?"

I shook my head no, spanking my ass. That particular move wasn't in the original choreography, but I was at a loss to put in there. "Vibrations good like Sunkist. Many wanna know who done this. Marky Mark and I'm here to move you."

"Oh, I see you're rapping now. Excellent." His eyes rolled. He checked his watch.

I thrust my hips at him animatedly. "It's such a good vibration. Come on come on come on. It's such a sweet sensation. Feel it feel it."

"Oh, I feel it."

With a flourish, I bowed at the piano solo at the end, completing my routine. He held up the camera, which I was not aware was even on video mode the whole time and said, "This is going on Youtube."

After unwrapping my scarf from his face, he hooked it around my neck, using it as reins in which he allowed me to pull him along the ice to the exit. I let him go, and while he retrieved our shoes, I slid back onto the ice. I was pretty cold by that point, but I guess I had been feeling a little suffocated by everything that had been going on emotionally and physically. I took a few long strides across the ice, picking up some momentum, one foot crossing the other as I gained decent speed. My hair flew behind me and the chilled wind ravaged my face, but the velocity and the freedom of flying was liberating.

When I slowed down I tried to attempt a spiral, which wasn't half bad considering I had never been all that good at them. But then my half assed lutz jump almost landed me on my face, even though I recovered from it looking as though it was done purposely. Before I could really embarrass myself or send myself to the emergency room, I decided to retire my skates for another season. Edward had observed for a good ten minutes or so until I got the angst out of my system, skidding to a complete stop at the exit off the ice.

"You are really amazing to watch, you know that?" he said quietly. "You're just …beautiful." The way he looked at me then made my insides warm. I felt his intense love so much in that moment. "I think I may even be kind of hard over that," he pointed to his crotch, promptly dissolving the intense love into hormonal teenage boy stupidity.

As soon as his skates had been removed and Edward had found hand sanitizer, he was instantly back to his former good mood. Now that the sun had set, we walked briskly together back toward the old hotel where his parents were dining. In the warmth of the lobby, Edward put his name on a short waiting list to eat at one of the trendy restaurants there. We sat on one of the couches warming our hands by the roaring fireplace under the glow of Christmas greenery still decorated with white lights.

The hotel was grand and beautiful, so much that I could imagine having an elegant wedding in a place like this, which I absently said aloud once we were seated inside the Mason Street Grill.

"Yeah…you want a big wedding?" he asked, with genuine interest as he peeked over his menu.

I shrugged. "Not like…tomorrow or anything, but yeah. I think I would like to have some sort of celebration. It wouldn't have to be ridiculously elaborate or expensive or anything, just…I don't know…something special. My parents got married at City Hall and my mom always said she regretted it. When she married Phil, it was this huge deal and a little over the top for a second wedding, but she said it was her dream wedding. It was a lot of fun actually."

The waiter arrived to take our order. He placed two sodas down on the table and left with our menus in hand.

Edward smiled. "My parents had a small wedding …you saw the pictures from my grandparents back yard. I only remember having to stand completely still for like an hour before they started pictures so that we wouldn't get dirty. Not that I would have gotten dirty, but…put a five year old in a rented tux on the edge of a lake and your asking for trouble." He chuckled. "My mom…looked so pretty. And she was so happy that day. I mean, happier than I had ever seen her before."

"Yeah well, she's lucky. Your parents are obviously really in love still. I don't think that happens too much anymore."

"I know. Of all my old friends, they were one of the few that weren't divorced." He looked away uncomfortably. "Hey…do you think that we'll have a big wedding someday?"

I gasped holding my hand over my heart in mock surprise. "Why, Edward Cullen… are you proposing?"

_And suddenly I am Scarlett OHara…_

He rolled his eyes. "No, if I were to propose you wouldn't be fucking asking…you would know."

I quirked an eyebrow. "By the giant cushion cut diamond Tiffany ring with baguettes running on either side?"

He bowed his head with a glare. "You have your engagement ring picked out already?"

I laughed, taking a sip of Pepsi. "Since fifth grade. Rose and Alice and I all picked out our rings from the Tiffany catalogue. We have dresses picked out too." I looked away embarrassed.

He choked on his soda. "Seriously?" Wow."

"Oh, now don't read too much into it, E. Girls do that stuff. We're sort of conditioned to want that from the time we can walk. The baby dolls and the kitchen sets. When we were in kindergarten we would put curtains on our heads to pretend they were bridal veils. Only, since there were no boys to wed, we all looked like nuns, but whatever."

"That's funny. So is that what you want though… for the future? A husband and kids?" He eyed me from across the table, while he played with his straw wrapper. This was the first time we had ever talked about the future. We were so occupied with just making it through the present most of the time.

"Of course. I mean, after I get my degree and stuff."

"So…you've thought about getting married…to me?"

_Uh yeah._

"Um…I don't know…I mean, yeah…sort of." I cringed, knowing that the topic of marriage and commitment was the key ingredient to sending a man running for the hills…or so my mother had always warned me. The truth was that I had thought about it in depth, always with the notion that marriage was the one loophole Edward had mentioned that could set him free. "I love you." I shrugged my shoulders feeling a little awkward. Edward smiled repeating the sentiment.

"Don't be embarrassed…I think about it too sometimes."

_What?_

Before I could investigate that further, the waiter arrived, setting the steaming plates in front of us. Edward's fries were on a separate dish, quarantined from his burger as he has requested. I stole the pickle off the plate because I knew that it would irritate him if it touched the burger and he always gave it to me anyway.

"Can I ask you something?" I said, swirling my fork around the angel hair pasta that came with the chicken. Edward nodded.

"What's with the cooking class with Gran this morning?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "She was making it and I asked if I could help. I used to spend a lot of time with her before we moved, and I've really missed her. Besides, since we made the apple pie, I have a sudden interest in cooking. It's very…methodical, you know? Relaxing even. The measuring and the order the ingredients go in…and..." he trailed off there, looking down at his plate while he pushed some fries around with his fork.

"And what?" I asked softly, wiping my mouth clean of mushroom sauce.

"I don't like not being good at something. We have that elective class starting next week and I just don't want to look…stupid. People think I'm a freak already. I don't want to set the building on fire or something and be known as a Pyromaniac too. Besides, I really like cooking with you and I uh…want to cook you dinner…eventually. I want to be able to do stuff for you that doesn't require my credit card, so I thought if I learned how to cook something simple like breakfast, it would be a start."

_Could I love him any more?_

"Edward, that's so sweet. I know I made a big deal out of the boots and purse, but to be very honest, it was more the fact that you noticed that I liked them, than the actual stuff itself. You paid attention and that says more than anything does. But…the treasure box was the best gift I've ever gotten in my whole life. It meant so much to me that you took the time to do that and the things you wrote were so beautiful. I think you are truly an amazing person. More than I can ever tell you."

Edward blushed, smiling bashfully. "I'm glad you liked it. I meant every word of what I wrote, B. I just…" He looked up as though he were trying to find the words in the air above him. "I want you to feel like being with me and enduring all the shit you have to deal with because of me and all the sacrifices you have to make… will be worth it in the end. I don't want to fail you… ever."

I gasped with the notion he really thought that was possible. "Edward…you could _never_ fail me." Being the naïve and wide eyed little girl that I was, I said those words genuinely believing that Edward couldn't and wouldn't ever fail me. How little I knew about real life and inevitability.

"I'm trying very hard not to. I know that being in my life is stressful, and I want to do stuff that takes away some of that, if I can." He continued to push his food around on his plate with his fork. When he looked up at me, his eyes were impossibly sad.

"I'm not stressed," I lied.

"Yes you are," he said softly." My dad said that your hair was falling out because of stress." He looked down at his plate, as though he felt guilty.

I had no idea that he'd even noticed that. Patting my hair down absently, I replied, "Well don't worry about it. It's got nothing to do with you. And I have more hair than I know what to do with so…"

But in truth, I knew as well as he did that it had everything to do with him. Edward was my whole world. What he felt, I felt. Happiness, pain, frustration…it was ours to share. What he didn't know was that I had been stressed and anxious over the confrontation with Charlotte for the last few weeks, and now that it was over, I was still stressed about the repercussions of it. And now feeling guilty as well. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him, but I was afraid he would be furious with me, so I tucked it away again.

"Oh!" he said, smiling brightly with those damn perfect white teeth that had never required braces. "I forgot to tell you. Jasper's birthday is on the first, so Mom and Dad are letting him have a New Year's Eve party at the house."

I clapped my hands together excitedly. "Oooh excellent! What should I get him?"

He shot me a coy smile. "Well, I already got him tickets to the Kings of Leon concert in February. So they can be from the two of us. I uh…got us tickets too." I couldn't contain the excitement of the news, because I was for lack of a better word... fucking_ stoked_ to go. But then I realized something important.

"Just please tell me that we won't be running into any of your old girlfriends there too. I'm getting a little tired of that, you know."

Edward sighed. "Me too, baby. Me too."

**~%~**

Edward hugged his grandmother for a very, very long time. They were behaving as though it would be their last time seeing one another, even though Gran and Gramps promised to come visit Forks in June for Emmett's graduation. Before Edward got into the car, Gram whispered something in his ear that made him smile.

The flight home was uneventful and once we pulled into the Cullen's driveway to an awaiting Rose and Alice, there was massive amounts of kissing and rubbing…so much that Edward and I both shuddered and hid in the house while his brothers made up for lost time with my friends.

Later on inside, we exchanged Christmas gifts belatedly. The girls loved the purses I got them and when they opened their very own Create A Mate kits simultaneously screaming for joy, Edward presented Emmett and Jasper each with disposable razors and shaving cream, telling them to, "Have a ball, fuckers."

The next day, we spent the majority of the day getting ready for Jasper's party. He was having about twenty people or so in the basement, so Rose and Alice and I decorated with balloons and stuff, shopping for hats and noisemakers for midnight. Jasper and Emmett played on their new Quads while Edward was gone most of the afternoon, having gone to a makeup session of therapy, then the liquor store and a desperately needed weed run.

After I showered and dressed in a very sparkly black top that looked amazing with my boots, I ate a quick bite and listened to Charlie on the phone apologize for not meeting me at home upon my arrival back in town. He had to work a stakeout all day for someone who was paying him a great deal of money to follow his adulterous wife. Though I did miss him, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I would much prefer to be spending the New Year with my boyfriend than my father.

I called my mom as well to wish her a Happy New Year, and she kept me on the phone for a good hour practically crying because she missed me so much. By then Edward was texting me to get the hell over there because they were going to smoke up before everyone arrived. I told him to start without me. I wasn't in the mood to get high anyhow.

Unfortunately, what I didn't realize was that Esme and Carlisle had decided to throw their own gathering upstairs. As I entered the fully decorated house, Esme and Carlisle felt it necessary to introduce me to their oldest friends, Garret and Katrina Denali. It took like three seconds to place their faces as Tanya's parents. The very first thing I thought of was that she was there, and it made my skin crawl, but they mentioned that she and her friends were at some party in Seattle.

They were tipsy, thrilled to finally meet me, chatting incessantly about how cute Edward was as a child and how the boys and their daughters used to take baths together. As if I had any desire to hear that or any portion of me that would find a story like that amusing at all. By the looks on their faces, no one had a goddamn clue that their daughters were whores and had sexual relationships with their best friend's sons. It was repulsive and made me really angry.

The deep blue of Edward's button down shirt caught my eye as he appeared from the basement stairs looking absolutely gorgeous, even more so than usual. His smile was huge when he saw me, but then quickly faded when he spotted my company. Once I was rescued, he apologized profusely, begging me to not let that ruin my night. I promised him that I wasn't mad, but it was a lie. It wasn't his fault, but I couldn't shake the conversation from my bones. It was yet another thing to add to the growing list of crap I was trying to shove away into the back of my mind.

Edward went back upstairs to help his mom with something, which he was completely annoyed with, because he was high and couldn't function properly. After hugging Jasper and wishing him a Happy Birthday, I headed to the bar. There was a bunch of kids from school there already, including Tyler, Eric, Connor and Ben and Angela, already half in the bag.

"I need a drink," I said to Emmett, who was playing bartender and wearing a purple top hat. He slid over three shots of something clear, a little bowl of what he said was sugar, and some sliced lemon. Rose and Alice, decked out in tiara's joined me in the lemon drop shot, which was actually pretty tasty. After the third one in fifteen minutes, I felt my skin start to tingle with that delicious buzz.

Without having to say a word, the girls both sensed that I was agitated, and proceeded to badger me until I told them what was bothering me. After Emmett opened beer bottles for each of us, I quietly told them everything that had happened over the trip…the bowling alley, my hair loss, confronting Charlotte… everything. I made them swear on their designer purses that the Charlotte thing would go to the grave with them. I wouldn't have told them had I not had complete faith that they would keep the secret. I was also drunk, so my judgment was kind of impaired.

"And to top it all off, I just met Edward's ex's parents upstairs. They told me a lovely story about E taking a fucking bath with their slut daughter. Who tells stories like that?"

Rose pointed to herself and Alice as she took back a swig of beer. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, our gynecologist is upstairs getting drunk with Carlisle right now."

"And?" I asked.

"So, when I went upstairs he kept looking at me like he knew me from somewhere. I felt like I should clear off the coffee and table spread my legs to flash him my cootch so he would recognize me," Rose said, laughing at herself. She was totally shitfaced as was Alice …and I was well on my way.

"To small town life," I said raising my beer bottle to clink against theirs. One fucking gyno, dentist and general practitioner in a sixty mile radius was ridiculous.

Edward came from behind me slipping a pink tiara on my head. It wasn't the shitty crepe paper kind either. It had rhinestones and stuff on it and I knew he had bought it especially for me. His breath was hot on my ear when he whispered that I smelled amazing and I craned my neck involuntarily to let him in further. I need to feel his skin on mine so damn badly, that it hurt.

_Just for a second…just for tonight. Just let me feel good._

The girls excused themselves giggling as they walked away from the sexual tension thickening in the air around us.

"Hey, beautiful girl…can we fool around later? We still have your vibrator here," he reminded me in a voice that made my panties practically explode. I could smell tangerines on his breath with a hint of smoke, so I knew he was feeling pretty good by then. It crossed my mind to let him take me upstairs and fuck my brains out, because I needed him so badly. "You brought your stuff to spend the night, right?"

I nodded. "I'll only stay if I can sleep in your bed with you and not in the guestroom." Between the way his voice moved through me, the smell of him and the fuzzy numbness that was covering my body like a creeping vine, I was so fucking turned on. And desperately depressed that I could do nothing about it.

"Of course, baby. You'll touch your beautiful pussy for me?"

_Fuck yes…_

I shut my eyes. "Edward stop…please. It's too much," I whined with a giggle, closing my legs together like I had to pee. He smiled, stepping away from me as he stared at my crotch.

He leaned over again, his lids almost closed. He spoke apologetically. "But you know what you do to me…you know how bad I want you. I can't fucking help it." His lips accidentally brushed against my earlobe when I swayed forward. I felt a shiver slink down my spine settling between my legs, where I knew the alcohol and the fact that I was premenstrual, was fueling my incredibly deprived libido. We both gasped at the brief contact, and Edward pulled back muttering, "Fuck."

He left to go grab another drink while I went to the bathroom. My vision was slightly blurry, and I had stumbled once on my heels, using the door way for support while I waited. I knew I could have gone upstairs to one of the other five bathrooms in the house, but the boys didn't want anyone up there because the grown ups would know we were drinking. I swear, for two educated adults, Esme and Carlisle were pretty fucking clueless sometimes.

I shut the door to the bathroom, took care of business and tried not to think of the shitstorm that was brewing up in my head. I did my best to tuck it all back in the slimy gray matter that was my brain, willing myself to hold on just a little longer. I just needed to make it to midnight and then I could pass out and start fresh the next day.

I knew I wouldn't be getting a midnight kiss.

When I emerged from the bathroom, in the corner I noticed that Mike Newton had arrived with Jessica. Lauren was standing comfortably at the bar with Makenna and Tyler, all of them wearing New Years crowns as though they had been personally invited, which I knew most certainly they were not. They smirked at me and waved, and I wanted to ignore them or give them the finger, but I took the high road and smirked back.

_My tiara is prettier than yours, Skanks._

Jasper and Alice were in a dark corner, with his hand not so discreetly under her shirt. Something told me that she didn't mind being molested in public because she let him do it so often. I would be lying if I said I wasn't the least bit jealous of them.

Rose pulled on my arm, dragging me toward the makeshift dance floor they had created by pushing the foosball table into the workout area. Someone had hooked up a colored disco ball to the ceiling. It was mesmerizing and made me dizzy to look at.

I danced with Rose and Angela, temporarily forgetting the building stuff in my brain until I had beads of sweat running down my chest. I used an abandoned party hat as a fan, cooling myself down as I caught Edward's gaze. He was across the room staring at me intently, leaning back against the wall next to Tyler.

He smiled when he spied me looking and mouthed, "I love you."

I mouthed it back, feeling even warmer from the words, and then he blew me a quick discreet kiss with a smirk. I caught it, rubbing it all over my ass animatedly.

I watched him disappear into the closet laughing at me, pulling out bottles of champagne from shelves there. He set them on the bar, while Emmett lined up plastic champagne glasses, ready to pour. It was almost midnight.

I peed again, did another lemon drop shot with Alice, who had finally been released from Jasper's relentless groping. Jasper was smiling like a great big idiot, stumbling around singing happy birthday to himself. She kissed my cheek and left to help him sober up.

Then instead of watching everyone on the dance floor grinding on each other, I swiped one of Edward's cigarette's from behind the bar and snuck out the back door, up the basement steps outside. It was fucking freezing out there, the icy air filled with the scent of a burning fireplace and sweet cigar smoke.

Once the cigarette was lit, I took a deep pull, wishing I had brought a coat because my ass was frozen through my jeans as I sat on the back porch steps. The night sky was pitch black, with swirls of stars peppering the darkness. Somewhere in the distance, beyond the music coming from inside, was the sound of fireworks.

I let my face fall into my hand before the tears fell. I was trying so hard to hold it together, I really, really was. My insides ached terribly, and I completely regretted doing that last shot, because I was utterly fucked up.

On the expel of smoke, I heard myself sob, cringing at the echo it created in the cavernous back yard.

It was everything. All of the last four months, the past week, the admission of meeting Charlotte to my friends and keeping it a secret from Edward, the anxiety I had been feeling through his own fears, the ache and the loneliness I felt every time he moved away from me and said no with his eyes.

I knew damn well I shouldn't have been doing this. I should be dancing and hanging out with my friends and being there for Edward and behaving maturely about the situation and remaining strong…

I needed to find strength for him, because how could I fall to pieces knowing that he was probably feeling ten times worse off than I was? I just couldn't watch everyone kissing at midnight and pretend I was all happy and cheerful because I fucking wasn't.

"Hey honey…are you okay?"

The voice startled me. I jumped, dropping my cigarette on the ground. I hadn't noticed Carlisle sitting in one of the chairs in the dark. In his hand, I could see the burning embers of a fat cigar between his fingers. I was fucking mortified.

I just wiped away more tears, trying not to smear my makeup, which I knew by that point was beyond destroyed. I didn't really give a shit though.

"Rough night?" he asked, moving to sit next to me on the stairs. He shrugged out of his jacket, draping it generously over my shoulders. It smelled like dad cologne and Band-Aids and comfort.

Picking up the cigarette off of the ground, I chuckled through a sniff. "You have no idea."

"New Year's Eve is always hard," he said softly. I sensed a distinct air of sadness in his tone which perplexed me. "My first wife…Jasper and Emmett's mom… hated New Years Eve. She couldn't decide whether it was a celebration for the conclusion of an old year or for the beginning of a new one. We used to have fights about that," he chuckled.

"It's kind of like the chicken and the egg thing. It's neither and both," I said, looking up to the sky with a sniff.

"That's what I always said!" he laughed. "Now for me it's simply another year to celebrate the great things I have in my life."

"That's a nice way to look at it." I couldn't decide if it was rude to continue to smoke in front of him, so I ashed the cigarette but didn't put it to my lips.

"The point is, if I have learned anything, is that life is very short and we don't know when it will all suddenly end for us. I make it a point to never waste an opportunity, because I know that I may not have it again."

I sighed.

"Did that just make you even more depressed?" he laughed bumping my shoulder playfully with his.

I giggled at him. "No…I get what you're saying completely. I just don't know what to do or how to feel or what the hell is going on most of the time… It's all so confusing."

"I know, Bella. But just hold on. It will get easier. Edward relies on you more than you know."

We both turned as Edward called my name, climbing up from the basement stairs. "Hey Baby, I've been looking for you all over. What are you doing out here? Oh hey, Dad." He stood a few feet away holding two plastic glasses of champagne in his hands. From the little bit of light that was peeking through the doors from the house, I could see on his face that he was confused, relieved and tipsy.

"Champagne, Edward?" Carlisle chastised.

"Oh come on Dad, it's New Year's. Besides, does Mom know you're out here with a cigar?" Edward quirked an eyebrow.

Carlisle sighed with a chuckle. "Touché, you big pain in my ass." He glanced at his watch. "It's five minutes to midnight. Your mom's probably looking for me now so I think I'll give you two some privacy. Have a good night, Bella." Carlisle squeezed my shoulder as he rose to get up. "Night son."

"Night Dad."

I whispered, "Thank you," to Carlisle as Edward sat in his place on the stair next to me. From my periphery, I could see Carlisle shut the door behind him and move the curtains so that we were in complete seclusion.

"Hi."

"Shit, you're crying. Did I do something wrong? I know I haven't spent the whole night with you but Jasper's really wasted and I needed to make sure that nothing got broken and…you left me…" he said, pouting his lip out. He reached out his hand tentatively, using his thumb to wipe away my tears. The action was so natural, his ever present restraint temporarily removed at the sight of my tears. His hand was so warm against my skin and I shut my eyes taking the rare occasion in. My heart ached when he pulled it away.

But I smiled, wiping my nose with my hand. "You didn't do anything wrong, E. I'm feeling a little… off, you know? I just came to get some air." He pushed some hair out of my face, nonchalantly tucking it behind my ear. He was uncharacteristically touchy feely tonight.

He handed me a plastic glass of champagne. I clinked it together with his, stoically whispering, "Cheers."

We were quiet for a minute or so, gazing out at the night sky. "E…do you ever think about God and what's out there?"

He sighed. "I don't know, sometimes. I used to believe in something divine but lately…I've kind of lost my faith with everything, you know? I'm kind of pissed at God right now."

"I guess don't blame you. You should know that I pray for you every day… for your health and your happiness and for some kind of miracle to help you... and I thank God that you are in my life and that you love me, but... he doesn't seem to be listening to what I'm saying."

He cleared his throat. "Maybe he doesn't want to hear you for some reason. Maybe I haven't earned it yet or something. "

That was entirely confusing and cryptic to me. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Edward shifted, taking a sip of his champagne. "Nothing. Forget it. You uh...you definitely think God is a man?" Edward pursed his lips in contemplation.

"Oh yeah. If God was a woman, boys wouldn't be such jerks, and men would have the babies and get their periods and stuff. He is definitely a dude." I giggled, letting him know I was joking for the most part.

Edward chuckled. "If you could meet him right now what would you talk to him about?"

I exhaled, resting my cheek on my knee. "I guess I would talk to him about you and how unfair your life is and ask him why he was doing this to you...to us."

Edward nodded, downing the rest of his glass. "I'd like to know the answer to that too."

"Can I ask you something?" Without waiting for a response I said, "What did Gran say to you before you got into the car?"

Edward's smile lit up his face. "She said that kissing the person you loved at midnight on the New Year was good luck."

I smiled in response. "Do you think that's true?"

"I fucking hope so," he whispered. "God knows we need it." As he licked his lips, Edward's hand moved tentatively toward my face. "Come here, Beautiful…" My breath caught in my throat and my mouth hung slack at the thought that he was actually going to kiss me…

His thumb traced my jaw while his hand slid toward my ear, his fingers curling around the back of my head. My breath hitched again when he leaned in, his nose rubbing gently against mine. I let out a little whimper at the sweetness of it and the anticipation…God the anticipation…

Worry that he might change his mind, coupled with Carlisle's words echoing in my head that the opportunity was definitely once in a lifetime, I scooted myself right next to him, my thigh flush against his. He reached out and laced his long fingers with mine, bringing my cold hand and his warm ones up to his chest where he laid my palm over his heart. For the first time, I could feel it beating through his shirt...strong and quick and full of love for me. It was an intensity that mirrored my own, but at the time I couldn't have comprehended the intensity of his emotions.

The moment he tilted his head just before his lips met mine, he smiled that panty exploding grin that kept me his. Edward placed the softest kiss on my lips, barely brushing against them. He drew back, still smiling, only to meet my lips again adding a few more soft, chaste kisses on the edge of my open mouth. It was so innocent, but still sent waves of delicious tingles between my legs. Then unexpectedly, his teeth nipped my bottom lip, tugging gently and I whimpered slightly at the feel of it. I could hear his breathing change too, more ragged and heavy now. I had to keep my eyes open otherwise the patio would begin to spin and the last thing I wanted to do was throw up.

Taking everything I could get…greedily...hungrily…without permission, I cupped my free hand against his soft cheek, then into the back of his hair near the nape of his neck. It was a tad crunchy from his generous hair gel, but I was surprised at how supple and thick it was. He moaned when I ran my fingers through it and dragged my nails against his scalp. I was quite sure anything I did would have felt amazing, having gone so long without any kind of stimulation.

Inside we could hear a chorus of voices counting down from ten… whereas earlier my stomach should have turned at the sound, it now rejoiced in conjunction with my cootch.

He pulled my bottom lip between his teeth adding little pecks here and there, and then did the same with my top lip. I followed his lead timidly, because this was new to me and I wasn't entirely sure what to do. I had kissed a few boys, but never like this…never with so much emotion and desire and expectation… and I knew damn well that Edward had a lot more experience with this than I did.

Obviously, Edward was a great fucking kisser. I mean, it wasn't awkward or forced and he was just soft yet commanding and his hands…he knew just where to put them…

Edward let out a little whimper, pulling me closer with his hand suddenly creeping underneath his father's jacket and at the small of my back. I shivered at his touch and I couldn't ignore the fact that my nipples went hard at that very moment. His tongue entered into my mouth, soft and slow, darting against my own tongue twirling and playing and tasting gently. He was warm and wet and tasted of marijuana and oranges and champagne and…Edward. I could have savored that flavor forever.

Though I wanted him desperately in the most primal of ways, I knew it wouldn't go any further than just kissing. While his tongue twisted languorously with mine, and the sweetness of our lips pressing together inundated my thoughts and senses, a part of me could not forget that it would have to end all too soon, and that made me so terribly sad.

Inside, the celebration exploded with horns and whistles and cheers as the New Year rang in.

"I love you so much," he whispered into my mouth softly, pressing his forehead against mine. His lids shut, as though he was taking in the moment, linking his hand with mine once again, twisting it so that it lay on his heart once again. I never wanted him to let go.

"I love you, Edward. Happy New Year.

Outside, it was just the stillness of the night, Edward and me and all of our secrets and hopes and dreams for what the New Year could bring to us both.

It fucking terrified me.

**~%~**

**Because you are so insistent on giving me word limit angst, and making me feel inadequate and old, I am now EdwardsBloodTpe on Twitter (no y in type) . And because some of you had asked, the closest description of the HA Bella in my head is Emmanuelle Chriqui who plays Sloane in Entourage. Maybe not as tan. Edward is definitely Rob, but a much younger baby faced clean shaven version of the GQ pics or maybe Rob from Harry Potter. IDK.**

**I wanted to mention this to all of you in case you didn't know already. Initially, I made the Non Specific Restraining Order up- I thought it was complete nonsense and created a very cool and unique story line essentially posing a challenge to myself as a writer. I wanted to see if I could maintain interest to the readers without predictable, gratuitous smut in every chapter. However, since writing this story I have learned that the situation I have put Edward in is actually real, though highly uncommon. I have heard from many reviewers that they know someone who is under a no contact order. The thing is, that I have taken a great deal of creative license with the details surrounding his sentence. The way I have this set up with the lack of concrete evidence as well as the omission of a trial, is completely unconstitutional and unlawful in the US. So asking if he ever appealed it is futile because if he did, there wouldn't be a story. Keep in mind that this is a work of fiction and I am not an attorney or a judge or a parole officer and I am just having fun with this. **

**Thank you to everyone who is reading. **

**Xoxox **

**EBT**


	27. Chapter 27 Rebellious

**Thank you to Becca for proofing this, and to Suzy for adding your sparkle. Hugs and kisses to the Twitter girls, the girls on the forum, everyone who is reading and reviewing. You are all amazing.**

**There are pics from the last couple of chapters on my profile page.**

* * *

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 27~ Rebellious**

**Rise up and take the power back, it's time that  
The fat cats had a heart attack, you know that  
Their time is coming to an end  
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend**

**They will not force us  
They will stop degrading us  
They will not control us  
We will be victorious**

**Muse~ Uprising**

**~Edward~**

My head whipped to the side like the little puking chick from the Exorcist and I smacked my hand down on the armrest of the couch. With all of the self-discipline I had, I concealed a smirk. I was annoyed and pissed, but not as much as I played it off as. Essentially, I wanted to see how much shit I could pull with my parents.

_I was just in that mood.__Must be all the pent up unresolved sexual tension._

"This is fucking bullshit, Mom!"

"Watch the way you speak to your mother, Edward. Your language and your tone are disrespectful, and I expect more from you." Carlisle glared pointedly at me as he leaned in my doorway, looking as though he would rather be doing a hundred other things than reprimanding me for sleeping with my girlfriend.

_Yeah…as if._

I glared at him while huffing back into the leather couch in my room. Bella was sitting on top of my bed with her legs crossed in front of her, one hand in her mouth chewing on her thumbnail the other pulling at her pajama pants. At some point, she'd released the elastic band thing from her hair so that it fell down in front of her face to hide behind. She was obviously uncomfortable; she couldn't even look up.

"I'm gonna go now…" she said quietly, slowly scooting toward the edge of the bed.

"No! Don't you dare leave," I yelled at her, throwing my arms up for emphasis. Bella jumped back a little cringing, as the volume of my voice startled her. She stared at me with eyes so wide they reminded me of the characters in those stupid Japanese anime cartoons. It couldn't have been helping her massive hangover. "Come on… this is a steaming pile of crap and you know it!"

"Edward, we allowed it in Chicago because of what happened, and you were sort of…in a fragile state. But we're home now and we have to enforce some rules here. It's for your own good."

"Oh pleeeeaaase, Mom," I rolled my eyes drawing out the word emphatically. "Bella and I didn't do shit. I don't even fucking touch her. Jasper and Emmett on the other hand, had their girlfriends sleep here last night and trust me… none of them were sleeping. In fact, Jasper got his birthday present… three fucking times. Sweet little Alice is evidently a screamer and the walls are_ really_ goddamn thin up here!" I threw my hand back, knocking on the wall behind me muttering, "Stupid piece of shit crappy house." My mother cringed and my father scrubbed his hand over his face groaning in disgust.

"If I had to listen to him scream, "Alice in Wonderland" one more time I was going to strangle him." I raged as I found socks in my bureau drawer and tossed them on the bed.

It was fucking gross but entirely true. Alice and Jasper were banging the shit out of each other last night. They were both so wrecked, I don't know how the hell Jasper managed to get it up three times after all the shit he drank. Color me fucking lucky to have the room next to his. Between the banging and the moaning and the giggling, I had to keep the TV on all night to drown them out. Fucking horrible. Like pigs mating or some shit.

_I wonder if my father realized he was raising animals. The Cullen Farm: Where you can get the milk for free. _

"Look, I understand that you want to be together, but Edward, what if someone is watching? What if they do random checks and they see Bella here in the morning? How does that look?"

"Please," I said again with a hefty eye roll that I though I may have possibly even strained an ocular muscle on the way around. I never did the angsty teenage rebellion- yelling at my unfair parents I hate you for existing I wish I was never born- thing. Japer was known around the house for being the pouty, argumentative, juvenile one, but my parents simply chalked it up to middle child syndrome. I had always abided by their rules and listened to their directives obediently, taking their advice and well…behaving. Even when I started doing drugs and shit, I still managed to conduct myself in an exemplary manner aside from being high whilst stealing a Porsche and well, the whole date rape accusation. So the acting out thing… well, it was sort of fun. And it felt good to yell.

"Would you put it past that girl to have you watched? Are you willing to take that chance?" My mother stepped forward into the room with her arms crossed. She was trying to maintain evenness in her voice, but I knew she might crack any second because of her erratic pregnancy hormones. I didn't want to see her cry though.

Bella mumbled something incoherent to herself, again, attempting to slink off the bed.

I turned to Bella. "Do you have food at your house?" She nodded quickly. "Good. Let's go there."

My mother clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Edward, you are behaving really immaturely about this."

"Really, Mom? See, I don't think I am. I don't ask for much, you know? I have very few things in this life that I desire. I don't bother anyone, I do my homework, I get good grades. Why can you not trust me enough to sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend, and not touch her?"

"That's neither her nor there, Edward," she replied with a frown.

"Then where the fuck is it, Mom? Please enlighten me as to where it is if it's neither here nor there. S'gotta be _somewhere_!" I had to admit I was actually enjoying this. It was very freeing.

She sighed rolling her head back in agitation. "Sweetie, we already went through the reasons why."

"Oh yeah, I'm being watched, I forgot. Do you honestly think there's surveillance on me? I mean, does no one have anything better to do than to watch me? Cause I am so fucking interesting, right? Can they see through walls now too, Mom? Because if they can they got quite a show here last night. You should have sold tickets." I hopped off the couch, gathering clothes from the closet and tossing them on the bed. My shirt landed on Bella's lap and she immediately picked it up to smooth it out before it wrinkled. I was going to marry this girl for sure.

It was so stupid for me to argue this whole issue, because this was my exact reason for not touching Bella. I had just kind of hit my breaking point with all of this shit, and I was done hiding and denying myself what I needed.

"At this rate, anything is possible. Is it worth the risk?" She turned to Bella. "Bella, honey, do you understand what we're saying? It has nothing to do with you per say."

"Mom just stop," I cut in acidly. " It has everything to do with her. You come barging in here uninvited and whether you believe it or not… when you accuse me of sleeping with Bella you are accusing her, too."

_Yeah, you can feel guilty now, Mom._

"Um…I guess," Bella mumbled. Her voice was scratchy and thick with sleep and embarrassment.

"Don't agree with her B. We did nothing wrong. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about." My mom hadn't even give her a chance to wake up before she had come barging in and giving Bella the third degree about what had been going on. I was in the shower while Bella was still asleep in my bed wearing one of my tee shirts, because evidently when she threw up she soiled her shirt and was too fucked up to give a shit and she ended up with the first thing she could find in my drawer. What it looked like to my parents, was most certainly not what had happened. However, that was the reason I was so pissed.

I mean really, where was she when Alice and Rose took the walk of shame? That is, if either one of them could still walk.

In all honesty, Bella and I could have fooled around last night after the kiss. I mean, _really _fooled around with like…fingers and saliva and actual skin on skin full bodily contact. I was fucking turned on enough that it had been extraordinarily difficult not to have taken her upstairs and just do what we both needed to do.

And let me just say my girl, for having little experience, was a fucking awesome kisser. I had to instill a tremendous of restraint to not maul her or at least cop a feel in the darkness of the backyard. I mean, I could practically hear my dick begging me for a file to bust its way through the zipper of my jeans to get to her pussy. But the fact was that we were both drunk, and I didn't want to take it any further than the kiss, because I wouldn't have stopped myself. And the last thing I wanted to do was take her virginity while she was unable to make a coherent decision.

After the kiss, I had Bella wrapped in my arms with her head against my chest for a while in the dark, listening to everyone celebrating inside. I was fucking freezing so eventually, we went back down stairs where the music changed to some slow shit and everyone was making out in the dimly lit basement. Neither of us were able to stomach that crap, particularly watching Jessica Stanley sloppily dry humping Mike Newton on my pool table. Bella was feeling shitty anyway with a crying induced migraine, so I brought her upstairs and we just fell asleep. Well, I_ tried_ to sleep, but Alice and Jasper were being fucking loud and disgusting.

Granted, she was nestled in my arms for most of the night, but it was New Years and I had to at some point say, "Fuck it." It was completely innocent, and she didn't even get to make good on her promise to me regarding the touching. Bella woke up at some point during the night to throw up and the next thing I knew it was morning and my mom was banging on the fucking door.

My father trudged off, muttering something about coffee, obviously losing interest in the conversation. I shrugged off my robe, hanging it on the back of the bathroom door then running a hand through my wet hair. My mother gave me an agitated glare because I was now standing in the middle of my room shirtless and just in boxer briefs. Without even looking at her, I could feel Bella shrink back into the bed behind me, mortified. I was so pissed that it really didn't dawn on me that I was half naked and trying to deny that Bella and I had seen each other unclothed, in assorted compromising positions before.

"You know what? Yeah… it is worth the risk. It was New Years Eve and Bella didn't want to be alone. So I let her stay with me in my bed where she fucking belongs. We don't even fucking touch each other, Mom. I am the only kid in Forks that never gets laid, and the only one getting in trouble for having a girl in his bed. Something is really fucking wrong here."

Esmom sighed. And then it occurred to me. "Ohhhh, wait…I get it," I said sardonically as the realization snapped in my brain. I held out an accusatory finger. "You don't believe that we don't touch each other, do you?"

_Okay, so maybe we touched a little, but fuck…_

Her gaze shifted downward. "I honestly don't know, Edward. You're standing here in the middle of your bedroom in just your underwear and it doesn't even seem to faze you or Bella, for that matter. I know you two aren't as innocent as you pretend to be. I really don't want to know the particulars, but just know that if you get caught, your whole future will be compromised. I can't in good conscience allow you to knowingly destroy your future."

"Look at her, Mom. Does she look unfazed? She's as red as a fucking tomato." If Bella could have blended in with the comforter, she would have tried.

_She doesn't have to know that Bella blushed when she got turned on, too. Don't_ _worry Baby. That's our little secret_.

"She's seen me in a bathing suit before. What's the difference?" Shaking my head, I pulled on my jeans then, just as Emmett called from the hallway that my mom had a delivery. She was expecting the arrival of her new family friendly SUV, so disappointment passed across her faced when he handed her a courier envelope, which she furrowed her brows at questioningly. Emmett crossed the room, waved to Bella, and made himself at home on my couch, kicking his feet up lazily. I glared at him, but he smiled smugly ignoring me while he and Bella chatted.

_Yeah look at that fucker, mom. He looks relaxed. That's cause HE GOT LAID._

Obviously, the discussion was far from over, but my mother seemed to have given the exchange a temporary reprieve while she examined the contents of the package. She shook the large envelope and then held it open to peer inside.

Her lips were pursed in contemplation when I looked up at her after slipping on my socks. "What's the matter, Mom?" Emmett asked.

She shook her head silently while she held out a plain white letter sized envelope toward me motioning to take it. When I opened it up, I stared at the cream colored check blankly. My heart started pounding at the sight before me.

"Ma? What the hell…?" The check was handwritten to me for one hundred thousand dollars. It was my annual lump sum child support payment from Dear Old Dad, Edward Stay Out of My Life Cause I Hate My Illegitimate Kid Masen. "This is double what he normally sends…and I just assumed since he signed the adoption papers, he wouldn't be sending checks anymore. But double...what the fuck?"

"I assumed the same thing. Money was never discussed when the adoption went forward…" She sighed. "There's no note or explanation. Maybe his secretary sent it by mistake or something. I'll have to contact him to find out." she mumbled.

I looked at her incredulously. "You_ talk_ to him, Mom?" This was fucking news to me. As far as I knew, she maintained that he was an arrogant asshole who had no interest in me whatsoever. That was obvious when I tried to see him last year in New York. I was surprised to know that she had any kind of contact with him. I knew they handled the adoption stuff through the attorneys, so I didn't even think she had even spoken to him in a while.

_She was certainly full of surprises today._

"Well, not on a regular basis, no, but I do know his contact information, so... Don't deposit that until I tell you to." She seemed very distracted and a little forlorn even. Rubbing her flat stomach, she nodded at Bella and said, "The two of you be back here at six for dinner and cake for Jasper, okay?"

_And that apparently ended that._

"Hey Ma, how much of it can I have?" I asked, because he usually sent fifty thousand and my mom allowed me to take fifteen of it for whatever I wanted. The other thirty five went into an account that I couldn't touch until I was eighteen.

"I don't know, Edward. Let me think about it." She turned and walked out without further a word.

"Dude…double?" Emmett said skeptically. "A hundred grand from an absentee asshole of a father you've never even fucking met? Shit…"

Bella's eyes widened momentarily, before she flopped back on the bed, covering herself with my comforter muttering, "I want an absentee asshole daddy too."

"Hell, so do I." Emmett chuckled.

Not knowing how to feel about the money or even what to say or think about it, I tucked the check neatly into my top drawer until I had permission to cash it. Then I crossed the room, pulling the covers off Bella as she shrieked. I flopped on the bed next to her, barely an inch away from her nose. "What do you want to do today?"

"You." She pursed her lips batting her eyelashes at me.

My eyebrow quirked. Fuck, she was beautiful.

_And…I'm hard._

"Mmm…yeah?"

"Um hum…" she fingered the collar of my shirt. After last night's fucktabulous New Year's kiss, I knew it was going to be an issue with Bella once the theoretical seal was broken. She wouldn't ask me for more simply because she had no idea of the boundaries she was able to cross, but it was obvious by the way she looked at me just then that she wanted more of me and my mouth.

While I lay awake last night with Bella sleeping snugly in my arms, I decided that even though I shouldn't have been entertaining the idea of further physical instances with my own girlfriend who loved me unconditionally, I couldn't further deny myself what was rightfully mine. Kissing Bella was one of the best fucking experiences in my life, and I would be damned if I couldn't have that feeling of her mouth on mine more often.

The only choice I had was to delegate any further heavy kissing to special occasions. Again, it was stupid to have even broached the subject and even dumber to have put the actual kissing into motion, but now that I did and we had, it was too late to turn back. I needed this girl like air and water and food.

_Speaking of food…I was fucking starving._

Bella turned when Emmett cleared his throat. "You know…you two are like some G -rated porn or something. Like Disney porn. It's freaky and sexy at the same time. I think it's even turning me on a little. Fuck, I need to call Rose."

**~%~**

Bella and I smoked up in the tree house really quickly before heading to her house. She decided that she wanted to be relaxed for the afternoon's activities, and well, I was nervous as fuck, so the weed sounded like a good plan to me.

It was barely eleven in the morning, but she cooked up some angel hair pasta with a lemon butter sauce that was so fucking amazing I had three helpings. I would have made my amazing French toast, but she was out of eggs. While she showered, I washed the dishes and cleaned up, needing a way to burn off some of the nervous energy I was feeling. Plus I just knew I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything if I knew the mess was there.

Even though it was her idea, and I was enthusiastic about doing anything with her or _to_ her that would give her some pleasure, it still felt kind of wrong…sort of like cheating. And by that I meant, not cheating on the rules, because fuck the restraining order and double fuck Judge Aro... but cheating nature.

Well then again, if I thought about it hard enough, it was more like…fuck _me _because as tough and as defiant as I thought I was being- the prick still had me by the balls, because if that weren't true than I would be fucking her with my own cock and not a goddamn sparkly replica of it. I digress.

The guilt was about her virginity and the fact that the first thing inside of her would be a piece of rubber. Her virginity was sacred and should be treasured...yeah, I sounded like a massive fucking fruit cake for that but it was entirely true. I was nervous about the whole thing because there were things that I had no idea how to handle…like popping her cherry and the blood and…the pain. I just thought that it would be weird, sticking this thing inside of her and causing her pain while I was just sitting there looking on. I didn't fucking know. I had wanted to talk to Em about it, but I never got a chance. Besides, how do you even broach that subject?

_Hey Bro, I want to fuck my virgin girlfriend with a rubber replica of my cock and I need some pointers._

Ugh.

I headed up to her room to wait, thinking that maybe I could Google the losing of virginity thing to kill time. We had tried once before, but we were kind of high and got side tracked. When I powered up her laptop, the screen flashed a slideshow of all these pictures of us from Halloween and Christmas, most of them I had seen on Bella's little pink digital camera display at some point, but hadn't bothered to notice the details in them. Aside from the pictures of me on the skating rink, which I was determined to have destroyed, in a few of the pictures Bella was captured gazing at me with such fucking awe in her expression, in her smile…there was so much love and compassion for me that it took my breath away.

I heard the shower turn off across the hall, shut down the computer, and lay back on Bella's bed taking a very deep breath. I deliberately held it in for a while before letting go, because I was high and I was nervous and fucking excited mixed with a bit of impatience, to be honest. Resting with my hands laced behind my head, my lids shut and I imagined Bella's beautiful smile. And maybe her tits too.

I opened one eye to see her appear in her doorway, wearing a blue towel wrapped around her body and another twisted atop her head in a turban. She sat on the bed next to me, her shoulders still glistening with beads of water. I took the hairbrush from her hand, offering her a smile, which she returned with a blush to her cheeks.

She was nervous. And maybe a little turned on.

"Come here, Beautiful."

Bella scooted backward, and flipped off the towel on her head, letting her wet hair tumble around her shoulders and down her back. Starting at the ends, I ran the brush through the strands, until Bella's head was lolling forward and she was giggling and moaning with delight.

"Mmmm…that feels so good."

Her little sounds shot straight to my crotch. I shifted behind her to make things a little more comfortable and when I was finished brushing she peered over her shoulder at me. Her lashes fluttered against the peak of her cheeks, innocent…seductive.

I realized that the enigma she presented was that of a little girl just on the precipice of becoming a woman. It made me feel weird and sort of pervy that I was turned on by this. Bella reached into her nightstand drawer, setting her bottle of lotion on the surface and then pulled a rectangular pink shoebox from underneath her bed which she handed to me.

Lifting the lid, I took a peek inside, already knowing that the Mega Me was in there, resting snugly amongst a bed of tissue paper patterned with pink hearts. I felt like it should be sanitized before we used it, so I hopped off the bed heading to the bathroom. After lathering it with soap and rinsing it thoroughly, I kind of glared at it with a bit of scorn and some definite malice, knowing that it would have the privilege of being inside of her and not me.

_Lucky fucker._

Then I laughed aloud, realizing that I was jealous of my own Mock Cock.

After rinsing away my pasta breath with some mouthwash, I came back onto the room, thoroughly rubbing the plastic down with a clean hand towel. While I was busy being distracted with the fake peen, Bella smoothed lotion delicately on her pale arms and legs. _My lotion._

As soon as the all too familiar scent wafted toward me, sparks flew into my crotch in a heated coiling wave. I grunted all caveman like before I practically came in my pants in a fucked up Pavlovian response or some shit. God I fucking wanted her.

My mouth went dry and I found myself exhaling shakily, knowing that just under the softness of the towel Bella had wrapped around her body, was the silkiness of her naked skin, still damp and smelling like fucking heaven. I stared at her, holding the rubber penis in my hand like some kind of deranged virginity stealing teenage voyeur waiting for Bella to give me a signal that she was ready.

"You sure you want to do this? We don't have to, you know that right?"

Without responding verbally, Bella laid down on the bed with a smile, resting her hand underneath her cheek. Clambering onto the bed beside her, I lay back onto the pillows as well, scooting myself up until we were nose to nose. My heart thudded in my chest being so close to her, remembering the way she tasted.

"I'm ready," she whispered softly. Nodding hesitantly, I swallowed around the nervous lump in my throat and exhaled.

"I love you." I whispered into her mouth as I brought my lips to hers. Her mouth opened slightly when she whispered the words back to me in a slow breath. Hearing her say that to me made me feel woozy and fucked up and horny as a motherfucker. I wasn't sure what to do with my hands, because I was still insistent on the no touching thing, with the exception of our mouths. I didn't know what the fucking difference would even be if we just had actual sex, but I figured it would have been like throwing in the towel after abstaining so long.

It was the most stupid rationale in the history of fucked up justifications ever…but I was at the point that I almost needed to see how long I could actually hold out before the bullshit NSRO was invalidated. A personal challenge, if you will.

Letting my tongue dart out against her lips, I scraped my teeth over her bottom lip, while she sucked on my top, like we had done the night before. I felt the slight vibration of a whimper and then her smile against my mouth. My instinctive reaction was to return it.

"What's so funny?" I asked pulling back slightly, still smiling.

"Nothing's funny. I just really love kissing you. It makes me feel warm and mmmm… tingly and stuff in my girlie parts." I was so fucking hard, it was beginning to throb. Snaking my hand between our bodies, I palmed my dick through my jeans, annoyed that they were the obstructive button fly kind and not the zipper fly. I wanted to unbutton them, to relieve some of the pressure. Well, what I really fucking wanted was for her to blow me, but…

"Yeah? You do the same thing for me, Beautiful." My hips thrusted involuntarily towards her. Her lip caught between her teeth as she looked down between our bodies sheepishly. Immediately understanding what she wanted, I rolled my eyes, pulling up my shirt so she could see my erection for herself. She was a kinky little thing and enjoyed seeing the product of her efforts.

"I love doing that to you," she breathed.

_Fuck. I love it too, baby._

"Can you do something else for me?" I asked. She nodded eagerly. "Put your fingers between your legs. I need to check if you're wet enough for the uh…sparkle thingy." I knew she didn't have proper lube in her possession and I really didn't want to have to sprint back home to get mine in the middle of this fucked up erotic adventure. Her hand moved gently to her thigh, sweeping inward until it was nestled between her legs.

For a few seconds, my thumb and forefinger rubbed against the soft corner of the towel before tugging the terrycloth out of the tuck, so that I could see her naked with her fingers disappearing inside of her pussy. The towel fell away, revealing her body in all of its natural beauty.

_Holy mother fucking crap that shit is hot._

Bella pulled her fingers out, holding them between our faces to inspect. They fucking glistened. A wry smile crept over her face along with a deep rose blush against her cheeks.

"I'm very wet. We're good to go."

All of the breath escaped my lungs in one giant swoop. "Oh God…" I whimpered with my face pressed flat into the bedspread, because I fucking couldn't stand the sensation of my cock suffocating in my pants. "I have to get…fucking free," I growled through clenched teeth, struggling to unbutton my ridiculously tight jeans. For all the money I dropped on those damn things, you'd think they would include a goddamn stretch panel insert for unexpected rampant hard ons or something. My fingers ripped at the buttons, struggling to get myself out of the fucking denim prison.

_Prison? Jail?…Maybe penal complex is a more appropriate word._

_I fucking kill myself._

Once the last button was unfastened, and the pressure ceased a bit, I exhaled in relief. Succumbing to an intrinsic reaction, my palm cupped over my dick, stroking the shaft through my boxer briefs. It felt so fucking good, I closed my eyes for a second, just to absorb the sensation. Just under the waistband of the fabric, was a small wet spot from leaking precum. I really, really fucking wanted to get naked with her, but I knew that if I did the only dick in the room getting wet would be the one attached to my groin.

"Alright…lay on your back," I instructed, sitting up. I reached for the Mega Me on her nightstand tentatively with a shaking hand. Bella rolled onto her back, flattening the pillows underneath her head until she was comfortable.

"Are you cold?" I asked. stalling as my eyes raked over her naked body. I really was concerned that she was cold, but I was shitting myself with this too. She shook her head no.

Exhaling slowly, I took the dildo in my hand, eying it one last time before I inserted it inside of her. It was long yeah, but had some pretty decent girth to it as well and I wondered if we should have opted for a smaller, plain type vibrator to start off with.

I raised my eyebrows at her in a final warning. "This thing is fucking huge."

She giggled and rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Yeah, and so's your big ego. Get on with it."

"That's not what I meant…although… I am well hung," I stated with a haughty head bobble. When she scowled, I added, "Okay, okay fine. I'll shut up."

Bella drew her knees up, so that her feet were flat on the bed and then very slowly, her eyes closed and her knees parted simultaneously. She was just…perfect. I licked my lips at the sight of her knowing that if I really wanted to fuck things up and add more confusion to the mix, I could just make love to her like a normal fucking person. However, this relationship was anything but normal.

She lifted up her hips, so that I could adjust the towel underneath her, if she should bleed.

_This is so fucked up._

Situating myself between her parted legs and gripping the sparklepeen in my palm, I pressed the rubber head gently onto her slit. Bella gasped, tensing her leg and abdominal muscles, lifting her hips off the bed. Her eyes were squeezed shut tightly, as though she was waiting for the pain. Tentatively, and as slowly as I could, I passed the head up and down her slit, coating it with wetness before I attempted to slip it inside of her. She moaned, allowing her body to relax a bit. I sighed a breath of relief that she was at least enjoying this a little.

"Okay…" I whispered, letting her know that I was going to insert it inside of her. I pushed the head inside of her about an inch and she tensed up again, her fists curling into balls. Her insides were clenched tighter than Fort Fucking Knox.

I sighed. "Bella, baby you need to relax. I can't do this if you tense up."

"Sorry," she replied, visibly calming as her eyes fluttered open in apology. I shook my head, because she felt the need to fucking apologize for being nervous about this shit. Gripping the sparklepeen in my hand, I pushed it inside of her again, feeling a definite resistance from her inner walls as she clenched down.

I sat back on my heels, pulling it out of her again. "B…we can stop. You don't seem to be enjoying this at all."

"No, no! I'm just…afraid its gonna hurt. I'll try to relax."

"Okay, listen, Beautiful. Open your eyes and look at me," I instructed softly. I slid the vibrator button to on, pressing it against my palm. I smirked at the fact that it was wet with her arousal and that it was on my hand and I wasn't even grossed out. Pressing the tip gently into her again, she gasped and moaned. I slid it upward, circling her clit.

"Oh shit…" she breathed, the corners of her mouth turning up into a smile. "That feels so… amazing." And God if she didn't look like a fucking virginal porn star with her hair all fanned around her face and my mock cock causing her to writhe. I felt the wet spot on my underwear warm, and I knew I was fucking leaking shit again. I wanted to palm my dick, but I really wasn't all that ambidextrous, and this was about her.

"Bella, Love…touch your tits for me,' I whispered.

So okay, maybe this was about me a little bit too.

Bella's nails dragged up her torso to her breasts where she cupped them both in her hands and rubbed her thumbs over her hardened nipples. She threw her head back and moaned loudly.

"Pinch them."

She did as I asked, pinching her nipples between her thumb and forefinger. Bella's hips pressed upward, rising and circling as though she were being fucked. I was damn near explosion. Biting my bottom lip in frustration, I switched the dildo into my left hand, returning it to her clit. Then I reached inside my underwear and gripped my cock in my right hand. I was fucking drenched, and had I not been conscious and aware of the fact that I did not have a fucking orgasm, I might have thought I'd already came by the amount of wetness soaking around my cock.

Bella's hands were fisting the comforter, her heels digging into the bed. Her eyes were shut and her jaw was clenched…obviously she was almost there. Rubbing the wetness over my slit, I lubed up my thumb and circled the head of my cock, before I slid my hand down and stroked. Three fucking seconds of rubbing and I was screaming and cursing as I came all over Bella's stomach. It couldn't be helped...I had only one free hand.

Her eyes flashed toward my cock and her lips parted. "Fuck…E…I'm …gonna…come…" And she screamed, and thrashed around like a fucking banshee until she smacked the vibrator away and rolled onto her side, panting and whimpering.

I used the corner of the towel to wipe off her stomach and her jizzed up legs. She giggled, clearly finding the fact that I came all over her a turn on. Who the fuck knew she had a kinky side?

_I liked it._

Once her breathing was no longer labored, she peeked up at me through her still damp hair.

I held up the dildo, with an eyebrow cocked. "Should we continue or are you spent?"

Bella's eyes narrowed as she licked her lips. I watched as her thighs rubbed together and she inhaled, steadying herself.

"I want you inside me, E."

I swallowed hard, my deflated dick standing to attention again at the sound of her breathy words. Bella rolled onto her back once again, spreading her legs wide. I would never, ever get tired of seeing her like that.

I put the tip at her entrance, passing it up and down as I had done before, only now her sensitivity had been heightened and she was relaxed. I knew it would be a better experience for her if she felt like it was something that we were both experiencing simultaneously. I straddled her thigh, sitting up on my knees without touching her, placing my left hand near her face so that I was hovering over her, as though I was going to really put myself inside of her. Her eyes locked with mine.

"Don't take your eyes off of mine," I told her, pushing the tip in an inch. She held her gaze affixed to my eyes. "Exhale."

Bella's sweet lips pursed she let out a long, slow breath. I pushed the dildo inside of her another inch, and then another, watching in awe as her mouth opened and she whimpered.

"If you want me to stop, just say so baby, okay?"

She nodded, whispering, "No…keep going."

Meeting no resistance, I slid it in further, painfully slow, watching her eyes widen and then flicker shut. She was so fucking tight it was unreal. My cock twitched and I swear I heard it high five my balls knowing that eventually it would be inside of her, feeling that tautness itself.

I couldn't help but kiss her. My lips met hers and she licked my mouth, pushing her tongue inside of me, twisting and playing. I moaned against her mouth, feeling heated sparks in my cock at the way it felt as her hand wrapped around my head and her fingers raked through the back of my scalp.

I gave her a few chaste pecks smiling at her beautiful face, all the innocence and wonder evident, yet so muddled with sexiness. She hissed as I neared the end, very surprised that it had not yet hit anything. I was holding my breath because I was fucking scared and didn't want her to feel pain. Once I reached the end, I stilled.

Cringing with one eye open, I asked, "How does that feel?"

She wrinkled her nose in thought. "Um...weird. Burns a little, but it doesn't really hurt."

I nodded. "I don't think you have a um…" I waved my hand back and forth over her stomach hoping she would understand that to mean _hymen_. Despite the fact that I had desires to be a doctor at some point in the future, I hated clinical words. They just had an uncanny way of ruining the moment. And the phrase "popping a cherry" was fucking disrespectful or some shit. Like saying a girl was "on the rag"…they didn't like that at all.

"Ready?" She nodded, giving me a small smile. I pulled it out slowly, almost to the end. She hissed through her teeth, cringing. Before she could protest, I slid it back inside of her, feeling the resistance again. She was uncomfortable.

I sighed. "Okay, I think that's it for today." Bella nodded apologetically. "We can try again whenever you want, alright?"

"Kay."

It wasn't nearly as horrible as I had imagined, and I was especially fucking delighted that there had been no blood and almost no pain. Once we used it a few more times, hopefully when we could make love for real, things would go smoothly. I knew when the time came that I wanted it to be special for her, and well…for me too. My first time was less than memorable, being drunk and with someone I had no feelings for. Being with Bella intimately and making sure the night was perfect for her was my ultimate life goal at this point. Unfortunately, it still seemed so fucking far away.

**~%~**

When school started up on Monday morning, I was actually sort of excited to be back. Though I couldn't say that I liked the tedious monotony of the teacher's lectures, I had missed the routine of classes as well as the way it provided a constructive use of time. It had become entirely too grating on my nerves being at home with my family for so long with nothing to do. I needed a break from that.

Besides, I was really looking forward to starting our cooking class. I said a silent prayer of thanks that I wasn't the only guy in the class. Ben Cheney and Angela Weber were also in our class, as was some douchey senior from Em's football team that was obviously there because he thought it was an easy A. The first week was just learning basics- general terms, how to properly measure, identifying different types of utensils and things like cleanliness which was my favorite part, I might add. I had no idea that you shouldn't touch raw meat before handling food, or eat raw eggs in cake mix and stuff. It was very enlightening.

We started on Romeo and Juliet in English, which Bella was ecstatic about. She hadn't actually read the play before, but she loved the film remake with Leonardo DiCaprio and remarked about how hot it was that they were always wet. I hadn't read the play either and from what I knew about the story in general, I was expecting it to be this shitty sappy overly romantic piece of fluff that I'd be bored to death with in five seconds. However, I was surprised at how passionate Romeo and Juliet were for each other despite their young age and the odds that were against them. They were willing to die for one another, going against their parents wishes, and I thought the depth of their love was beyond impressive. I could relate to that infatuation wholeheartedly.

The week went by quickly, leading into the weekend, where Bella and I spent most of it high, sating our munchies and sexual cravings. We played with the little purple vibrator again, and I actually was able to jerk off, watching while she used it on herself.

_Seriously, it was fuckhot and made me come buckets._

There was no doubt in my mind that once things were normal between us, our sex life would be fucking kinky as hell. My beautiful girl liked the weird stuff, not that I minded a bit, but I was wondering if by the time I got to stick my actual dick in her, if that would even be satisfying for her.

The kissing, though we had agreed to consign to special occasions, got a little out of control. We had gone into Port Angeles over the weekend for dinner and a movie with my brothers and their respective horny as fuck girlfriends. Watching them make out obviously was a major turn on for Bella, because she kept looking at me with these fucking bedroom eyes that lured me into submission. I had her tongue down my throat in the car on the way there, then again in some back alleyway next to the theater, and then when I dropped her off that night we spent a good half hour sucking face in my car. So much for special occasions.

I couldn't help it…the girl fucking owned me. We never touched each other anywhere, other than occasionally holding hands. It was all so innocent and sweet and entirely fucking frustrating really, because I always went home with a massive chubby and frequently had to pull a double wank session in order to feel any type of relief. I knew Bella was using her Mega Me frequently too, so I felt a little better knowing that she was able to get off as well.

On Tuesday afternoon, I said goodbye to Bella in the school parking lot, agreeing to meet her at her house after therapy. She was going to show me how to make chicken parmesan and I was really looking forward to it.

Therapy went well, and though I wanted to talk to Dr. Kate about playing baseball again I refrained, opting to discuss just about anything but. Dr. Kate was pushing me to talk about the night with Charlotte, but I couldn't bring myself to do it...not yet. It had been bad enough rehashing those memories when I told Bella, but I was still having some nightmares and I didn't thing bringing it up would help them any.

After the session, I headed down to Starbucks, grabbed myself two Caramel Macchiato's to go, and checked my phone messages.

"_Hey E. Listen, my dad just called and he's sort of freaking the fuck out over something. I don't know what the hell is going on, but he won't say anything over the phone and it's making me nervous. I think he's in trouble or something… I'm not really sure. He told me to pack some clothes, so I think I might have to stay with him in Seattle for a few days. I have a feeling it involves a case of his…maybe a pissed off husband is after him or something and he's just taking precautions. You know, once a cop always a cop, right? I don't really know, but I'm sure he's overreacting. Shit, my cell battery is about to die, so once I get to Maggie's I'll call you and let you know the deal. I love you."_

Her call had come in about an hour prior, right after I had shut the ringer off while walking into my scheduled session. I was honestly worried about what she had said, though Bella didn't seem too bothered by the situation. I didn't like the idea of her having to stay in Seattle for a few days as she had indicated Charlie wanted her to and it pissed me off that she would be involved in anything pertaining to Charlie's cases. Who the fuck knew what these people were capable of?

I handed the coffee I had bought for Bella to a homeless guy on the corner, along with a twenty dollar bill and got in my car anxiously starting it up. Once I got home, I worked out with Emmett for a good hour and a half, and then hit the hot tub because my shoulder was sore again from playing the Wii.

Since the afternoon I had helped Little Ethan inside the batting cage and used the virtual pitching machine in Chicago, my mind had been on baseball. And though it had sucked ass having to deal with the aftermath of the acute pain that accompanied overexerting myself, I couldn't stop the itch. It started small…deep within, somewhere inside me that I had hidden a while back. I tried to ignore it, pretending that I didn't care while attempting to block out how fucking alive and in control it made me feel.

But the video baseball game sitting on my dresser unopened had taunted me for days, until I finally surrendered to its siren call and set up the damn game system in my bedroom. And then I couldn't stop. Sometimes Emmett would come in at night after Rose had left to play alongside of me. He fucking got off on taunting me until I got pissed and really gave it my all, just like at the pitching machine that day. I though he would be a fuckawesome coach someday.

I had asked my gym coach when baseball tryouts for the Forks High team started, but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to play on the team. I had heard they sucked last year, and to be perfectly honest, regardless of the fact that I hadn't played in so long and was entirely out of shape, I didn't know if I could play for a team that was bad. It wasn't that I was arrogant or being pretentious about it, but I had been on elite teams for so long that I was pretty sure I lacked the patience for anything less than players who were superior and made winning the game their priority. That was just my Type A shit, though.

I was still on the fence and had looked into recreational teams, but they aged out at sixteen, so I wasn't even sure if I qualified as I would turn seventeen mid season. Bottom line was, that I wasn't sure I was even still as good as I had been before I quit playing. I figured I would just have to wait and see once I played an actual game. But in the meantime, I knew that as soon as the weather warmed up a bit, I would start running in the morning before school to get back some of my stamina. I was actually looking forward to the burn of the drive and the discipline and routine that accompanied Spring Training, even if I didn't ever make it onto an organized team.

Before I hit the shower, I checked my phone again, disheartened that I still hadn't heard from Bella. It was now beginning to piss me off. But knowing her, she probably didn't bring her charger with her, so she was more than likely still sitting with a dead cell.

I tried her phone again, but it went straight to voicemail, indicating it had been turned off or that most likely, the battery was still dead. Either way it was fucking frustrating. Tapping my fingers on the table nervously, I scrolled through my cell phone to find the number to E-clips, hoping I could get in touch with Maggie. When I asked for her and the receptionist said Maggie had left for the day, I groaned and cursed at her, quickly apologizing for my brusqueness. The receptionist got all nosey then, when I inquired about Maggie's last name, consequently having to explain that I was Charlie's daughter's boyfriend and that I was worried about Bella. She wouldn't give out any personal information, but said she would try to contact Maggie and relay the message. Somehow I had the feeling that Maggie would never get that message.

_Midnight._

Five long ass hours and almost a half pack of cigarettes later, Bella's whereabouts were still unknown. There was a twisting feeling…an aching in my chest gnawing at me knowing instinctively that something was definitely wrong. I thought it was called _woman's_ intuition, but at this point I had it and it was fucking bad. And I was at a complete loss, because I couldn't for the life of me remember where the fuck Maggie lived, as I hadn't paid any attention when we picked her up on the way to the airport, and I didn't have Charlie's cell number either.

After grabbing a bottled water from the kitchen, I went back upstairs to my room, powering up my laptop to see if there was anything on the salon website that had something I could go on. There was nothing. No emails from Bella either. And it was that point that I wanted to fucking cry out of desperation. What the fuck would I do if she had been hurt? Who even knew if she made it to Seattle in one piece?

The hours of uncertainty and anxiety pounded through me, leaving me tense and irritable. I considered taking a Xanax or an Ambien, but dismissed those options, because I wanted to be in a sober state if I needed to drive somewhere unexpectedly. Sleep evaded me, and the little that I did get was filled with a tormenting dream of Bella hanging over a cliff, her hands grasping to rocks at the gravelly edge, just within my reach… only I couldn't fucking touch her. Every time I reached for her, her hand would slip through mine like a ghostly mirage.

I woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed, breathing hard. Slumping out of my bed, I took a piss, checked my phone and walked around the side of the house to see if maybe there was a car in B's driveway. There was nothing, just darkness. Not even the light over the garage was on. The house looked completely deserted.

The sound of my alarm clock buzzing startled me out of a deep sleep that my body had eventually submitted to, though I had been resistant. I was exhausted, but there was no way I could go back to sleep knowing that Bella's whereabouts were still unknown. School was going to be a major inconvenience.

I shaved quickly, luckily not cutting the hell out of myself since my hands were trembling, and then jumped in the shower, leaving the cell on the bathroom vanity because I didn't want to miss her call. As the spray hit my face, I let the warm water rinse away the bad dreams and some of the anxiety that I was feeling. I stepped out of the enclosure rubbing a towel over my sopping wet hair, and the phone finally rang. For some reason my heart sunk straight to my feet.

Bella's name on the display screen sent an electric shockwave through my heart, awakening all of my exhausted senses. I could barely hear her over the thud of my heartbeat.

"Oh thank Fucking God! Baby, what the fuck? Where are you? I have been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday." My voice was a mixture of relief and anger.

"Edddddward… I'm at Mmmmaggie's." Bella's voice was hoarse and frantic. She had obviously been crying as her voice was edged with this indescribable shakiness and exhaustion that told me she had probably undergone a panic attack at some point in the recent hours. My whole body tensed, and my heart raced impossibly fast as I sat on the closed toilet seat listening to my poor sweet girl while she brought to light the last fifteen hours in one long, somewhat incoherent sentence. Between her sobs and sniffles, it was incredibly difficult to understand her spewing out details of what had transpired. I had to ask her to calm down and breathe before she should repeat what she had said. Frustration, desperation, and fear were evident in her voice and in the tears that I was not able to wipe away from her cheeks.

She was on the verge of hysteria, weeping helplessly, coming completely undone. I could practically feel her shaking through the phone. I was so fucking worried about her that my chest hurt with the incapacitating need to hold her in my arms and assure her that everything was going to be okay…even though after what she had told me…I knew damn well that it wouldn't be okay.

Nothing was okay now.

After promising that I would come get her, I did my best to calm her to the point that her tears had reduced to just sniffles and hiccups. It took her a while to figure out Maggie's address, as she couldn't find any unopened mail or utility bills lying round. I finally told her to go outside and look on the façade of the apartment building. I stayed on the phone with her while she looked, hastily pulling on dark jeans and a thermal shirt.

What she told me had devastated her…and in the few minutes that I paced the room, my mind racing furiously with a reasonable and effective solution to this very cumbersome problem, I could only think of one sure way to fix this….to fucking fix everything.

As neatly as I possibly could within the time constraints, I packed a bag of clothes and necessary toiletries, remembering to pack my prescriptions as well. I took my bank book and my debit card, slipping it in my wallet. My laptop slid inside its padded case with an extra battery and my wireless internet connector and then I dumped out my backpack to make room for my iPod, phone charger, the manila envelope that I kept in my desk drawer and two packs of cigarettes. It was going to be a long fucking ride.

The only thing I left in the bag was my copy of Romeo and Juliet. I liked the irony of having it with me.

I had to pause a minute to manage my thoughts, making sure I had everything I needed. And then I remembered the key to this whole idea…the business card with the pretentious font and the burgundy raised type… was tucked in an old unused wallet at the back of my third drawer where my mother, if she should be inclined to snoop, would be unlikely to find it.

Quickly, I pulled from the closet and unzipped the garment bag a few inches to make sure the contents were what I had expected and then, without leaving a note or even a clue that I had left in a hurry, I exited the house through the back staircase so that no one would even know I was absent.

I set my laptop in the front passenger seat where I had easy access to it. While I loaded my trunk with my stuff, I remembered something Bella had said a while back, so I pulled in her drive way and left the motor running. After searching for a minute, I found the extra key under the flowerpot on the back porch that Charlie wasn't aware Bella had hidden there, and quietly let myself inside. My hand was shaking so badly I could barely manage to fit the key inside the hole. I found what I needed hoping it was the right shit and then I turned out of our block and onto the cross street, having made it away from both houses undetected.

My nerves were frayed to the point of disrepair with this shit and I needed a fucking smoke badly. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it with shaking hand, using the lighter Bella had gotten me months prior. I knew I loved her then… I wondered idly if she had any idea she loved me too.

My foot pressed down on the accelerator allowing me to gun it once I got to the highway leading out of Forks and into Seattle. I had promised Bella I would be there in under three hours, knowing I had a full tank of gas and a fuckload of determination to get to her before anyone could stop me. Just had to hope no cops were lurking in any inconspicuous clearings waiting to give me a speeding ticket or slow me down.

Keeping one eye on the road and one on my laptop screen, I typed in the search bar, eventually pulling up what I needed. A few phone calls, a couple of white lies and some extensive note taking later, I pretty much had everything I needed. Well, except for the one necessary phone call I fucking dreaded as well as a major accessory, but because I was pressed for time, we would have to concern ourselves about that afterwards.

_Priorities you know?_

Yeah, this was fucking stupid and impulsive and borderline ridiculous and probably going to get us both into a shit heap of trouble. I knew it and I didn't give a flying fuck. I loved Bella and she loved me and it was bad enough we couldn't even touch…or sleep in the same bed, but there was no fucking way in hell that _anyone_ was going to stop me from seeing her. That shit was unfucking acceptable.

And though I knew there was a fairly decent chance that this plan of mine wasn't necessarily going to be warmly accepted by Bella, I had to make the attempt, because I loved her desperately, and she was my fucking lifeline. I couldn't fathom an existence without her in it…it would devastate me.

As I exhaled a gust of gray smoke out the open window, I allowed myself a smirk thinking of my intentions…and hopefully, the eventual outcome.

Because I had come to realize, that regardless of the fact that it was fucking insane, it was the only way we could be together.

**~%~**


	28. Chapter 28 Loophole

**Chapter 28~ Loophole**

**Check yes Juliet**  
**I'll be waiting, wishing, wanting**  
**Yours for the taking.**  
**Just sneak out**  
**And don't tell a soul goodbye.**  
**Run baby run**  
**Don't ever look back**  
**They'll tear us apart if you give them the chance**  
**Don't sell your heart, don't say we're not meant to be**  
**Run baby run, forever will be**  
**You and me**

**Check Yes Juliet~ We the Kings  
**

**~Bella~**

Edward was absolutely, one hundred and ten percent right.

I finally understood why he hadn't ever kissed me in secret and why he was so adamant about keeping our relationship so virtuous. It was immensely addicting and though I loved, loved, loved kissing him more than anything else in the world (more than new designer boots and pink sparkly things,) I wanted more from him. I felt terrible to begin with, giving him my _I want to be kissed right now face,_ because though he tried his very best to resist, my seductive female powers were too overwhelming for him. I secretly relished in the knowledge that I had the ability to make him crumble at my feet.

I did, however feel a tremendous amount of guilt for toying with his weak teenage boy hormones and broke his "only on special occasions" rule more than a few times. I always made sure it was in places we were practically guaranteed to be unseen and if he really wanted to say no, he did, and I made a point of not letting him feel badly about rejecting me.

We had been getting closer and closer physically and emotionally, experimenting with our sexual limitations and getting around the no touching thing pretty resourcefully. We tried the sparklepeen and it was okay…not as bad as I had expected once it was inside, but not exactly earth shattering as I would have expected. But when he had it on the outside, it was motherfucking uh-ma-zing! I tried it by myself a few times, but it wasn't the same without Edward there, touching himself. I rather enjoyed his presence and his dirty mouth coaxing me to come.

I think it was entirely possible that I had some repressed deviant sexual desires or maybe I was even like a kinky sex slave in a past life, because I liked the weird shit…dildos and vibrators and porn and watching Edward jerk off and even…yeah even when he accidentally spilled some of his jizz on me…it was hot.

But the kissing thing…it was hard to stop myself when it felt so natural to do it. Particularly upon saying hello and goodbye. It was Tuesday and we were in the school parking lot. He lit a cigarette, bringing it to my lips, which gave me tingles and I absolutely loved the intimacy of the gesture. He had asked if I wanted to shop in Port Angeles while he was at his session, but I declined because I had a butt load of Spanish homework, and I knew Emmett would be calling me for the answers at some point.

I'd been having this insane craving for chicken parm, so I told Edward I would get the ingredients in town while he was at the therapist and then I'd teach him how to make it once he got back home. It swear it was like Christmas day for him. His eyes lit up and he had the sweetest smile on his face. It was sort of sad as well, because the simplest things made him happy.

With the radio on and the grocery store behind me, I was ripping off the end of a fresh loaf of Italian bread when my father called.

"Bells? Where are you?" He sounded harried.

I took a bite of the bread, stuffing my mouth full. "I'm on my way home from the grothery thore. Are you coming home for dinner? Edward and I are making chicken parmethan." Little bits of crust flew from my mouth, landing on the steering wheel. Thank God Edward wasn't there. He'd have a frigging seizure and whip out his mini Dustbuster. Seriously...he kept one in his car that plugged into his cigarette lighter.

Charlie made a sound that resembled a hiss. "Are you with him right now?"

"No," I replied skeptically, turning the radio off and swallowing my bread. "He's at an appointment. Why?" _What the hell?_

He sighed. "Listen to me very carefully. Please don't ask questions. I promise I will explain this in detail once you get here, but honey I want you to go home, pack a bag with enough clothes for a week and bring your birth certificate. You know where that is right?"

"Yeah Dad, it's in my desk drawer." I had needed it to register for school, and kept it in an envelope with other important papers in my desk. "What the heck is going on? You're scaring me."

There was the distinct sound of papers rustling in the background. He was probably in his car. "It's nothing to be alarmed over. I just have an intense case that I am working on and I need you here with me where I know you're safe."

"Safe? Dad, I can go to Edward's house. I'm safe there with four men…"

"Bella!" he snapped, startling me. "Can you please just do what I ask without giving me a hard time about it? Damn it!"

"Jeez, Dad. Fine. I'll be there in like, four hours or so."

"Bella, no. I want you here in three and a half tops. Get your stuff together and leave immediately, do you understand?"

"Yeah. I understand." The phone went dead. I turned the radio back up, wondering what the hell that was all about. He actually had me scared shitless. My father never got frazzled like that, even when he was on really difficult cases when working at the precinct, and he never yelled or snapped at me. A couple of times I remember hearing him yell at my mom heatedly through the phone after we left Forks, but this was so out of character for him. The only thing I could think of was that maybe there was maybe a scorned husband getting revenge on my dad for outing his affair and he made threats against his life or something… the thought was no short of terrifying.

I pulled into my driveway and pressed the speed dial number one. During the message I had left Edward telling him the deal with my father's strange call, my low battery indicator signaled. After hastily putting the groceries away, I took a peek out my front window looking for shady cars lurking on the block, but there was nothing out of the ordinary.

In a record ten minutes my pink duffle was packed with like three weeks of clothes, shoes and undergarments, just in case, and my makeup and all that other crap was secure in another smaller bag. I had no idea what the hell was going on, but I hated being unprepared. I locked up the house, pulled up Maggie's saved address from the GPS and headed to Seattle.

I'd made it in three hours, twenty one minutes, sort of proud of myself and my lead foot. Charlie met me outside Maggie's apartment to help with my bags. He looked older somehow, worry lines marring his face.

"Dad...please tell me what's going on…I'm scared."

He sighed with definite distress while leading me up the stairs. I dropped my bags into the guestroom, plugging my phone into the charger and then taking a seat at the edge of the couch where he asked me to wait. He disappeared into the master bedroom while I fidgeted nervously in anticipation. When he returned my eyes shot straight to the edge of the gold envelope that was jutting out from under his arm.

He placed the manila envelope gently on the coffee table in front of me, giving me a cautious nod, which I took to understand that I should open it. With a heavy heart and the strangest sense of impending doom, I slid out the contents slowly, altogether apprehensive about what I might see. Quickly, I thumbed through a bulky stack of eight by ten glossy photos and several photocopied documents that sat beneath them. I swallowed, turning the first photo horizontally so I could see the subject better.

My breath caught and I gasped loudly, slapping my hand over my mouth. It was Esme, in her cream wool coat crossing the street while talking on her cell phone. I looked up at my father questioningly as it dawned on me.

_Oh my fucking God!_

My heart began to race. "Dad? Is Esme having an affair?" _Holy shit...was the baby even Carlisle's? Oh, God this is going to kill him and the boys!_

He sighed heavily, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. "Honey...I have an old friend, Max. He used to work at the precinct with me years ago…big guy…mustache…" He looked at me expectantly, as though I should know this Max guy. "We went to his house a lot when you were little, they had a pool…" I flipped through another picture…Esme at her small design shop in Port Angeles.

"Yeah, I remember," I lied, gesturing with my hand for him to get on with it.

"Well," he continued, "he has a pretty lucrative business here in Seattle as a PI… he's actually the guy who trained me. Anyhow," he shook his head knowing he could no longer stall. "Two weeks ago, he was contacted by a woman from Manhattan who needed him to do surveillance on a woman who worked in Port Angeles but lived in Forks. This woman… is obviously Esme Cullen."

I was entirely confused by who would be trailing Esme and what this had to do with me. "Huh? I don't get it…" I muttered, flipping the page again… Esme getting into her Jaguar… Esme having lunch with Carlisle at a café.

His eyebrows furrowed as he scratched his chin in thought. "Does the name Gianna Masen sound familiar to you?"

I looked up, meeting his eyes. Swallowing against the newly formed lump in my throat, I exhaled slowly, trying to maintain my breathing. Fuck.

"Noooo," I lied again. Though I didn't exactly know who Gianna Masen was, I did know who Edward Masen was and I assumed they were connected somehow.

"Well, apparently Mrs. Masen's husband wrote out a very large check to Esme Cullen, and Mrs. Masen, having never heard of this woman before, was highly suspicious of it. So she hired Max to investigate. In the memo of the check in question were the words, 'For Edward.' So, Max also went ahead and did some surveillance on Edward Cullen as well." My father's lips were pursed, calm cool and collected.

My vision suddenly went blurry, as I listened to my father's words and flipped the pictures…Edward in the school parking lot…Edward leaving the therapist's building…Edward buying cigarettes at the gas station…All of us outside of the movie theater with Edward holding a cigarette to my lips…Edward and me making out in that dark alleyway next to the Port Angeles movie theater.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

The pictures slid to the floor accidentally, as my trembling hand and knee shook them off my lap. I bent to pick them up, but my father reached for them first, placing them on to the coffee table.

With his concerned dad voice, he calmly asked, "Your relationship with Edward. Is it sexual?"

_Get right to the point, why don't you?_

My heart thumped in my ears while I rubbed my perspiring palms on my jeans. "Dad, no, we're not… we don't… No, it's not like that."

_Not really._

He cleared his throat. "Has Edward ever…done something to you that you didn't want him to?"

"Uh…noooo…"

_Oh, God he fucking knows._

"Never." I was going to ask why, but in my aching heart, I already knew why he was inquiring.

"Bella, Max did some digging on the Cullens. Honey…I don't know how to tell you this, but Edward has a very shady past. He has a history with drugs and violence and well…" He sighed loudly, rubbing his forehead. I could feel my lip quivering at thought that my father had stumbled upon this information so readily; that Edward's secrets were not so private even with a different last name. I could hear him keeping his voice calm and measured, despite the capacity of what he was saying…likely the result of all those years of having to tell people their loved ones were dead in a shallow grave somewhere.

"He was accused of raping a girl in Chicago when he was fifteen. He actually has a restraining order against him. He isn't allowed to touch female minors. Bella…he's obviously been violating the order with you and you need to tell me if he has done anything else to you. Has he touched you anywhere inappropriate? I need you to be honest, Bella."

Tears sprang to my eyes, pooling heavily at the surface. "Dad, please tell me you kept the pictures to yourself. Please tell me that neither of you have gone to the authorities…"

"I haven't told anyone but you, Bella. It's not Max's job to do anything further than what he's paid to do. But when he saw the photos, he recognized your face from a recent picture he has seen in my office and with the information about the rape, Bella… I'm so sorry, but you have to understand that Edward is a criminal. He's dangerous."

I shook my head vehemently. "He's not, Dad. He's wonderful. This is all crap," I spat, pointing to the messy stack of incriminating photos before me. It hit me like a wave, crashing over me in a violent sudden storm. He _knew_…he knew and he had photos, actual photos of Edward touching me, blatantly violating the restraining order. Photos of him kissing me when _I_ provoked it…_I_ was the one who enticed him into kissing in public. The bitter taste of bile that came up my throat burned, making me nauseous and on the verge of a full on panic attack. I inhaled deeply, doing my very best to remain calm.

"I know it's hard to take in...believe me, I am furious about it. That family has been deceiving us this whole time! I let Esme talk me into redoing my house and you know, in hindsight I'm thinking it was a way of her trying to make up for the loss of property value with a convicted sex offender living on the block." He blinked rapidly, upon realization. "You spent an entire week with them out of state! Holy shit!"

_Yeah, as though they were a family of murdering rapists who kept teenage girls as sex prisoners over Christmas vacation._

I stood abruptly, my knees jerking the table forward. The stack of photos and papers slid all the way to the other side, scattering onto the floor. Charlie bent forward, replacing the stack on the table, with the one picture of us kissing happening to land right on top.

"Dad, stop it! He's not a convicted sex offender. There was never even a trial. The judge slapped this on him, because the stupid girl's parents were influential and…she lied about it. Her boyfriend hits her and she had sex with Edward and blamed him for raping her so the boyfriend wouldn't get into trouble. It's all a lie! And the Cullens are amazing people. Don't you dare say a thing about any of them!" My voice screeched as I felt the tug of anxiety tighten around my chest. The lump in my throat began to burn, making me acutely aware of the hot tears that were now rolling down my face.

My father's mouth fell open. His eyes hardened into slits and never left mine as he rose, jabbing a finger at me. I could almost feel the room shake with the rumble in his chest…like an oncoming freight train.

"Wait a fucking minute…" Charlie's teeth bared through his lips in an angry snarl. I watched the purple vein in his temple pulse as it appeared prominently under the surface of his skin.

"You KNEW about this? And you still chose to keep company with this piece of garbage? Oh my God…What the hell were you thinking? Oh shit, this is entirely my fault… What the hell do I expect? I'm never around, and you're off running amuck with the neighborhood rapist!" He grabbed his forehead groaning audibly, pacing the room.

"How dare you say that about him! You don't even know him!" I threw my fists up, stamping my foot on the ground in a mini tantrum. It couldn't be helped...I was fucking pissed.

"Oh, I know enough, and you are a naïve, way too trusting little sixteen year old girl who Cullen's convinced that he's innocent of a crime after he is convicted of it! That little piece of shit has some set of balls coming into my house and seducing my daughter. I bet it was fun for him to deceive a cop. Maybe even a challenge?" He continued mumbling and cursing to himself.

_Okay, now he is completely talking shit and losing it._

"I am _not_ naive, Dad. How can you say that about me? You don't even know me well enough to make a statement like that." I looked away, instantly feeling bad about saying such a hurtful thing to him, even though it was entirely true. I'd been there four months and we'd had like a total of five conversations.

Charlie snorted. "Yeah. Well it seems that your judgment and character assessment is really shitty. Look at what happened with that_ friend_ of yours in California. You trusted her and look what she did."

This had gone too far and I needed to nip it in the bud before it snowballed to the point of no return. I stepped forward, grabbing my father's arm at the elbow, halting his pacing.

"Dad, please listen to me. Edward told me the whole story as soon as he knew he had feelings for me. He never once lied about it or pretended he was someone he wasn't. But I know him. I know what a sweet, kind person he is. And I believe with all of my heart that he is innocent. He could never hurt a girl like that. He would never ever hurt me like that. Just please trust me on this."

My father's face brightened and for a second, as the corners of his lips turned into slight smile, I thought I saw a glimpse of acquiescence.

"Your having sex with him, aren't you?"

"No! We don't even touch." _Hardly ever. _"He's a perfect gentleman," I defended, because he was, and I couldn't stand my father accusing him of such terribly heinous things.

"Really, Bella? Because this looks like touching to me," he hissed scathingly, picking up the picture of Edward and I kissing and shoving it in my face. It was clearly evident from the shot that Edward's hands were pressed to the wall behind me, not touching me at all. Even amongst the chaos and heated emotion of the current situation, just a simple glimpse of the picture brought an inappropriate tingle to my lower belly in memory.

"Dad, it was just that one time," I lied. Technically it was only like six times, but really…six times in four months? Come on…

"Bullshit," he seethed through angry, gritted teeth. "This ends now. You are not to speak to him or see him again. Is that understood? No daughter of mine will be associated with a rapist, not now, not ever!" He rattled the photo in front of my face for emphasis. I had never, ever in my life seen him this angry before. It was frightening, in both the respects that the intensity was so fervent as well as the fact that he was so adamant about his malevolent feelings for Edward. My whole body shook with emotion and fear and anger- the desire to punch him in the face besieged me.

"You are completely insane if you think you can stop me from seeing him, Dad. We have almost all our classes together. He lives down the block for God's sake. What am I supposed to do...keep my eyes closed all the time?" I snickered acidly, wiping tears away from my face with the back of my hand. He couldn't keep us apart no matter what he said. Everyone and everything was trying to stand in our way, but no one could break us up, I was certain of that.

"Well, we're registering you for school here in Seattle tomorrow, which is exactly why I had you bring your birth certificate. I was thinking about putting up the house for sale anyway, so it seems as though now would be the perfect time."

It felt like I had been slapped across the face and punched in the stomach and then while I was down, spit on repeatedly. With a shaky breath, I gritted my teeth and spoke very slowly.

"I. Am. Not. Leaving. Forks."

"Oh, yes you are," he replied acidly, with a dark chuckle.

"No… I'm not," I shrugged my shoulders indifferently, chin held high while trying to get back some of the control.

"It's either Seattle, or back with your mother in California. Those are your choices, Bella. And the discussion is over."

"It's over? It's fucking over? That's right it's over! There's no way this is fucking happening!" My chest heaved with fury and anxiety as I stormed off to the guest bedroom, pulling my phone off the nightstand.

He called after me. "Isabella, you watch that language, do you understand? You are not too old to put over my knee!"

_Oh, fuck that shit._

Little silver sparks peppered my vision, like confetti. I pressed the power button on my cell, waiting impatiently for it to start up.

"You're actually calling him?" From behind, my father snatched the phone right out of my hands. "I don't think so, Bella. Nice try."

I whipped around grabbing for the phone blindly through tears as he popped the battery case off and shoved the battery in his back pocket. I stared at him incredulously, wanting to rip his fucking throat out with a goddamn fork. When he reached for my car keys, I lunged for them, but he snatched them up quicker than I could. I am pretty sure I gauged a nice chunk of skin off his hand in the process.

_Good, fucker. Hope it gets infected and you die a slow agonizing death._

"I am dead serious about this, Bella. You will _not_ see him again. Keep in mind that I can make sure that happens." He shot me a pointed glance, before turning to leave.

It took a second for what he had said to register. If he was thinking what I was thinking…In order to ensure my compliance, all he had to do was threaten to call the authorities with that picture and Edward would be in jail.

"You can't fucking do this, Dad! It's wrong. _You're_ wrong!" He walked out of the room shutting the door behind him. It almost surprised me that I didn't hear the door lock from the outside, trapping me in, I mean, the fucker had taken away everything else. I had never ever cursed in front of my father, never mind directly to him in a heated fit. I had to blame Edward and his brothers with their filthy mouths easily influencing me. I couldn't hold my tongue, because I was so angry at him. I looked around for something to throw, but the only thing I could find that wasn't breakable was a shoe at the top of my bag. I tossed it angrily at the door, leaving a nice, black mark in its wake and then gave him double middle fingers to solidify my point.

_Bet Maggie makes you paint that tomorrow. I know how you love to paint. Fucker._

As my blood pumped through my veins I could almost feel it boiling beneath the surface. My hands shook and my body wracked with a sob. I needed to get back to Edward. Needed to at least speak to him, to tell him what was going on. He was probably worried by now that he hadn't heard from me, and especially that my phone was dead.

Whipping the door back open, I spotted my father on his cell standing near the small kitchen island and began screaming in a fit of rage. My voice was hoarse and raspy, tears screaming down my face, but I screamed at him at the top of my burning lungs. "Give me my goddamn keys, Dad!" I scanned the room searching for my keychain. I couldn't see it anywhere.

He muttered into his phone, hitting the end button. "Bella, I already warned you to not speak to me that way," he replied calmly. "This is for your benefit. You are too young to make educated decisions on a person's character."

"Oh really? And you are too busy playing cop to see the truth. Do you think I could fall in love with a dangerous person that would hurt me?"

"Excuse me? You _love_ him?" he said seething, spitting out the words as if they were seeping with venom. "My God, Bella!" he shook his head in disbelief. "This is just fucking perfect. My teenage daughter is in love with the town derelict…a goddamn violent sex offender with a restraining order against him. Unbelievable." He leaned back against the counter top. "Don't you understand? I am not doing this to hurt you. This is to protect you. All the years I spent on the force, Bella I know criminal behavior. Once a rapist has a taste, they always want it. It's the same with murderers and thieves."

It was obvious that I wasn't getting anywhere with him at this point. I was so defeated and exhausted, I could barely breathe.

"You don't know how he is with me. He's so sweet and loving and protective…he would never let anyone hurt me, least of all himself. Please. Let me at least call him to tell him I am safe. I know he's worried about me."

"I see what a good influence he is on you too…fucking holding a cigarette to your lips. Don't think that's gone unnoticed. Bella, I am telling you for the last time. There will be no contact with Edward again. If I find out you even so much as email him, I will take the photos to the police and have him charged with violating the restraining order. And that will guarantee he'll be staying away from you."

"I fucking hate you," I spat, lip trembling right along with my hands. I remembered what Edward had told me about that boy who had received the same sentence he had, and the results of violating the restraining order. "You know what, Dad? If you turn him in, I get into trouble too. Is that what you want? Oh wait… I bet it is…so that I would learn my lesson, right?" Heading back toward the table, I snatched up the stack of papers and photos.

"That's okay, Honey. I don't expect you to like me very much right now. Your mother sent you here so that you would be taken care of properly, and as your father, I can not allow this relationship to continue, bottom line. I am a man of my word Bella, in all respects." He gave me another point glance obvious to remind me of the threats he made regarding Edward earlier.

"Do you realize what you're doing to me?" I screamed, tears streaming down my cheeks as I clutched the 8 x 10's in my fist. "I love him and he loves me and while everyone we know is screwing their brains out, we're the only ones doing the right thing. Why can't I get any credit for that?" I took the pictures between my fingers, in an attempt to tear the stack in half. It was too thick to cause any damage.

"Bella, don't bother…Max has the originals…" I shut my eyes, dropping my hands in defeat.

_Of course, he has the originals._

"You know what? This came at a perfect time. Time to stop this before it was too late, before you could go and get yourself knocked up, leaving me responsible for another kid that I don't…" his voice trailed off as he shook his head, his eyes shifting away from mine.

"What Dad? Another kid that you don't _want_?" My voice cracked with the betrayal I felt at the statement. I knew my mom had a hard time dealing with her teen pregnancy, but I had always assumed my father had been the one to convince her that they could make it work.

"No Bella. That's not what I meant. Shit…I meant that at sixteen, you can't even imagine the responsibility of taking care of a child and the problems having one causes."

"So I am a problem, am I? I can not begin to imagine how I am even the slightest burden to you! I shop for myself, cook for myself, I never ask for money or rides, or…_anything_, but I am this huge problem all of a sudden, right? You're never around, you have no idea what I do or don't do, and it was plainly obvious that you weren't exactly receptive of me cramping your bachelor lifestyle. Stop the doting father act. No one's buying it. I swear to God, I just…I just fucking hate you right now." I felt my shoulders slumping forward with the sobs that shook my body as I cried into my hand.

My father stepped closer, wrapping his arms around me but I pushed him away angrily, pressing my empty palm to his chest. He staggered back a foot or so stunned, as though he was seriously offended by my denunciation of his affection.

"You have just destroyed my entire life. I hope that you are happy," I said despondently, walking off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. The vibrations actually caused one of the framed photos on the wall to fall and shatter. I heard my father on the other side of the wall curse as he cleaned up the broken glass, while I crawled onto the bed, curled into a ball and sobbed. The incriminating picture stayed next to me, clutched in my hand, keeping me anchored as my entire world fell apart around me.

I watched dusk turn into darkness outside the window, barely noticing the time, or that I was cold and starved and uncomfortable in my clothing. Beyond my bedroom door, the apartment stayed quiet, save for an occasional dull indecipherable murmur of my father's voce on the phone, or the rustling of papers. At one point, he poked his head in the door, asking if I wanted dinner. I ignored him completely, staring into the spot on the wall that my gaze had been fixed on for the past several hours. My entire body felt like a numb, empty shell, and all of my thoughts were of Edward.

I tried to picture his beautiful face and the way the little lines gathered at the corners of his eyes when he smiled at me. Through my memories, my eyes traveled his jaw line and his cheekbones and his sideburns…how I loved those sideburns so much. I thought about how his fingers looked when he played the piano, long and lithe, how his eyes would shut in reverence, his body swaying to the cadence of the notes. I allowed his voice to wrap itself around me, warming me in place of the arms that couldn't offer an embrace. My eyes burned from the relentless tears that continued to fall, and the stinging grew worse when I tried to shut them. Once the tears had dried out, I laid there immobile and deadened, and filled with sadness and disbelief.

I was forbidden to see or speak or have any correspondence to the person I loved most in the world. It wasn't something I had ever considered happening, nor was it something that I could have planned for, to take the harshness away. My father was a man of his word…if I disobeyed him, there would be consequences.

In that moment, I wanted to die.

_Dear God,_

_Total fail, Dude. I can't even believe you right now._

_Amen._

_P.S. If you can be bothered to do anything for me right now, just give Edward some peace of mind that I am okay. _

_Amen again._

It was late when I heard the door to the apartment close, obviously being Maggie returning from the salon. Her and my father's voices were muddled with what I only assumed was an explanation of what had happened.

A knock on the door barley registered, as I was lost in thoughts of Edward and how the hell I was going to escape this bullshit. Light filtered into the blackened bedroom, as the softness of her voice filled the air.

"Bella? Are you awake? Do you want to talk, Honey?" Maggie asked sweetly. When I didn't respond, she moved to the side of the bed, crouching so that she was eye level with me.

"Can I get you something to eat?" Her hand caressed the side of my cheek, spreading warmth and her sweet perfumed scent about me. I didn't know why, but the affectionate touch and the caliber of her genuine concern brought the emotions back to the surface again. A lone tear to slipped down my nose, dripping onto the hand cradled underneath my face. I shook my head no, not able to make eye contact with her when the light shifted, alerting me to my father's presence at the doorway. Maggie looked up, kissed my head caressing my hair again, and walked out shutting the door.

Their voices were hushed, but clear enough that I knew they were just outside the door. "She's been in there for three hours staring at the wall, and hasn't moved," my father said.

"Well, what do you expect? You just took hr entire life away without warning. She's sixteen, Charlie. You're not even going to allow her to call, him?"

"Hell no. I plan to tell that little shit myself. After I am done with that case tomorrow afternoon, I'm driving back to Forks to have a word with him. Don't expect me home until Thursday. Oh, and do you know of a good realtor?"

"Charlie, I think you should let her talk to him herself. She needs to say goodbye." Their voices grew more difficult to hear, as they walked off down the hall.

I couldn't hear my father's response.

**~%~**

The morning light filtering through the sheer cream curtains actually made my eyes burn deeper than they already had been. They felt as though they were swollen shut, and I knew that I was going to be one hell of a wicked sight to look at. I took a peek at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It was just after six in the morning. Edward would be showering right about then, no doubt worried that I hadn't called after I told him I would. I hoped he had slept well regardless, but I doubted his sleep was any restful than mine was.

My plan was to wait until Maggie and my dad were gone for the day, to see if I could get on to Maggie's computer. If I could send Edward an email, that would work, though I knew he wouldn't check it until after school. I needed to warn him that my father was planning on unleashing his wrath on him. I had to pee so badly though, it couldn't wait.

I could hear the shower running in Maggie's bathroom down the long hall. Quickly peeking out the living room window, I looked for my father's truck, which was no where to be found, so I assumed he had left for work already. After I peed, I crept into Maggie's bedroom to scope out her laptop when I spotted her cell in the front pocket of her purse.

Not having any idea how long Maggie would be occupied in the bathroom, I pulled out the phone, flipped open the familiar screen and stared at the keys blankly.

I had no clue what Edward's number was.

Or Alice's' or Rose's…or anyone's for that matter…they were all on speed dial on my phone, so I never actually saw the number, just their name when I called. Suddenly, the knowledge that I was trapped like a prisoner here, with no way to communicate to the outside world, and no way to get to Edward consumed me. And this thought, conjuring up awful memories of the prior night, as well as the hollow ache that bore Edward's absence, brought the tears back.

It was the feeling of being so helpless, so not in control of anything in my life. My chest hurt terribly and my eyes stung with burning tears of defeat. Sinking down onto the floor next to the bed, I held my hands in my face and sobbed. It was just too much. Everything that had happened over the last four months, all of the frustration and want, anticipation and anxiety had finally come to a head. I had known ultimately, it was only a matter of time that I would completely unravel, as I had felt it looming in the air or something, like an apparition haunting me.

The anxiety slapped me in the face, its long fingers closing around my neck constricting my airway. I struggled to breathe, fighting off the disconnection that I felt when I went through an attack. It was like falling through thin ice on a pond and being trapped underneath …I could see the light, but the current took me away from the only means of getting to the surface. During these attacks, it was terribly difficult to remember the rules…how to breathe, focusing on something tangible, counting breaths, reminding myself that I was not dying. But I tried to think of things that calmed me, however Edward was the only thing that came to mind and it just made things more difficult to focus on. I pictured his face just before he kissed me, smirking and soft, eyes gently fluttering shut, his long lashes fanning out on his cheeks.…and I was finally able to get myself to the point that I was back in the present, breathing normally once again.

At that point, I didn't even care if Maggie caught me. I was certain, even after her display of caring concern for me last night, her loyalty would remain with Charlie. I didn't even bother to wipe away the tears that stained my puffy, reddened face, because it was pointless. A few tears splashed errantly onto Maggie's red cell phone, and when I tried to wipe them on the jeans I had slept in last night, I accidentally popped that battery cover off.

Staring incredulously at the little disconnected battery for what felt like hours, I narrowed my eyes at it scornfully. The idea hit me instantly and I lunged off the floor sprinting to my room and picking my cell phone off the floor where I had thrown it in anger last night. I had no idea if it would work, but I knew I needed to try. Our cell phones were identical, except for the color, so when I popped the battery in my phone and the black screen beamed to life, I felt my body buckle to the floor in relief.

Edward answered on the second ring, his voice a mixture of relief, frustration and anger. I could barely form a coherent sentence but I tried my best to relay the information through sniffs and sobs and overwhelming joy that I felt upon reaching Edward. Several times he asked me to repeat myself, but I didn't have a lot of time to talk, because Maggie was sure to get out of the shower any minute. When he said he was coming to get me I panicked. It wasn't the best idea, as my father would be furious, and I was terrified that he would make good on his threats to forward those incriminating pictures of Edward to the authorities. But Edward said he had an idea, and something made me trust him that we would be okay.

After I ran outside looking for the address, I quickly said good bye to him, popping the borrowed battery out of my phone, heading to restore it back in Maggie's. The shower was no longer running, but was replaced with the drone of a hairdryer. I set the phone back in her bag exactly as I had found it and crept quietly back to my room.

Maggie peeked her head in before she left for work, but I pretended to still be asleep. She left without incident, save for leaving a note telling me to make myself at home, eat whatever I wanted and that "Nexxus" was the password to access her laptop if I should need it. I smiled, knowing that it was her way of telling me I could contact Edward. Admittedly it was a relief to know that I had some camaraderie in this with her. I ate some cereal after destroying the note, because I didn't want this to cause a rift between her and Charlie. Maggie was really good to me, and I owed that much to her.

I had been dressed for three hours, anxiously waiting on the edge of the couch for Edward to rescue me. Even though I had put ice on my eyes, I had to use an overwhelming amount of under eye concealer to hide the puffiness and bags. Edward knew how upset I had been, but I didn't want him to have to look at my face and be reminded every ten seconds of the situation. I began a semi- irate silent prayer to God again, but was interrupted by the door bell.

With my heart racing wildly and stomach fluttering up a storm, I flew down the stairs, flinging open the door to the landing. The sight of him standing there brought tears to my eyes. It was similar to putting on a sweatshirt fresh out of the dryer on a really cold night- it just warmed me, wrapping me in comfort and love and security. It was the first time I realized that oddly, despite all his issues, insecurities and limitations, Edward made me feel safe.

He smiled at me sadly, fidgeting in the doorway as he looked side to side, clearly paranoid about being watched or followed. I noticed he'd left the BMW idling right out front next to the curb. I wanted to throw my arms around him in desperation and bury my face in his neck, but I was scared and mistrustful as well.

He stepped tentatively in the foyer cocking his head to the side. "Hi, Baby."

I couldn't even respond to him, I was so choked up. He looked around again, green eyes darting erratically about before stepping toward me. His hands cradled my face gently, rubbing his thumbs along my jaw as he pressed his forehead to mine breathing in.

He placed a soft kiss just at my hairline, whispering, "Don't cry. We're going figure this out together, okay. Please don't cry. I'm going to fix this, I promise."

I nodded, taking him in… the softness of his pea coat, the tiny blood spot from a shaving nick on his neck, the way she smelled of cologne and powder and cigarettes, the latter a tell tale sign that he was stressed because he had been smoking in his car again. With a sob that caught in my throat, I felt my knees collapse under the weight and the enormity of everything that had happened between yesterday and the very present, and from the moment I laid eyes on him and the last four months. It was too much for me to ingest all at once and my physiological reaction to Edward's mere presence solidified that I had been brought to the brink.

Edward's arms caught me at my lower back, cradling me gently as we sunk to the floor together.

"He's going to turn you in, Edward… he's going to tell on you if I have any contact with you." I sobbed quietly, burying my face in his neck. He was so warm and soft and the feeling of his fingers stroking my hair and his palm flattened against my back was incredibly soothing.

I was afraid. Afraid of what we had done, afraid for our future, if we even had one together.

"Shhhh, Beautiful. I have an idea, okay? Do you trust me?" he asked softly, swiping a strand of hair away from my face. I nodded, because I truly did trust him implicitly. "Okay, then we have to get going now. Can you get your things, or do you need help?" I shook my head no, rising off the floor and brushing off my jeans.

Gripping the railing, I turned asking, "Did you bring my Xanax and my spare car keys?"

"Yeah, but can you wait to take the Xanax for a few minutes, until we get on the road?"

I nodded. "Where are we going?"

Edward pressed his lips together, responding evasively, "I'll tell you soon, Love. Hurry before someone comes home," he smiled, talking to me in a manner that one would address a three year old with. I gathered my things quickly, handing my heaviest bag to Edward who was waiting on the top of the stairs for me, not actually entering inside the apartment. He transferred my bags into his trunk, where I noticed he had a few bags, as well as a few garment bags hanging from the hooks in his rear seat. I didn't have enough energy to acknowledge it aloud.

I had contemplated leaving a note, but truthfully, I was so angry at my father's unwillingness to listen to me as well as his ignorance regarding the situation, that I didn't feel I owed him the courtesy. Without a doubt in my mind, my sudden disappearance from Charlie's imposed lockdown would enrage him, sparking an onset of occurrences. He'd likely contact the Cullen's first, then my mom, and maybe even the police, considering he was so convinced that Edward was a dangerous criminal. But I couldn't allow him to control me and take away my choices and everything that even meant a damn to me, when he was barely a figure in my daily life.

Once in the car, Edward seemed terribly preoccupied and anxious, but with good reason. I leaned back against the seat, enjoying the brief moment of peace as he stroked my hand, while the sunshine streamed in from the open sunroof. Every so often he would glance away from the road to give me a small smile. I knew when he was anxious like that, not to push his buttons or ask too many questions, because it interrupted his thoughts.

At a stoplight, Edward briefly touched his fingers to my cheek, whispering, "You look so tired. You didn't sleep well last night." I shook my head, staring at the darkened hollows underneath his own eyes as he added, "Me neither."

Edward hung a left, heading into the marina. There were very few boats in the water, off season as it was, but the scenery was still enjoyable.

"Would you wait on the bench for me? I'll be right there," he asked with a smile, as he opened my door. After making my way onto the pier alone, I sat on the wooden bench overlooking the water quietly taking reverence in the moment. It seemed to be the first calm that I had felt in nearly twenty four hours, and it felt good, though my anxiety level was still high with the idea of Charlie ruining our lives at any given moment.

It was really quite chilly on the water, but the sunshine had kept it bearable. Wrapping my arms around my torso, I hugged myself, wishing I had gloves with me. From my periphery, I watched Edward glide into my line of vision. Clutching a small bouquet of pale pink tea roses wrapped in silk ribbon, he suddenly knelt before me, placing one hand on the bench beside my thigh. I gasped at the flowers, because he had never given me any before. It didn't occur to me what he was actually doing until I leaned in to smell them, noticing how his hands were trembling. And then his eyes suddenly met mine, warm and terrified.

_Holy shit._

"Bella…Love…um… this isn't at all how I imagined doing this, but …I…" he exhaled, letting a smile flicker at the corner of his lips.

_Holy shit._

"I don't have a ring, because what you mentioned was _very specific_…" he rolled his eyes with a smirk, "and it would have to be custom made and we just don't have that kind of time, but I promise to get you whatever you want after…but…"

_Holy shit._

"This is the only way we can get out of this…its the only plausible solution and I know it's completely crazy and stupid, but I want you to know that I love you…" He looked down shaking his head, "I fucking love you so much and…I want you to be my wife. Would you be my wife, Bella? Will you marry me?" His smiled faded as he blinked rapidly, anticipating my answer. I couldn't feel my fingers or my toes, and I think my tongue went numb about the same time too.

_Holy shit._

So I nodded. A lot. And I smiled a big cheesy grin and Edward just blinked questioningly until I blurted out, "Yes!" And then when we got in the car, we hunched down low and kissed for a little while, lacing our fingers together and laughing and smiling at the joy and relief we both felt.

And then it hit me. I pulled away from his open, wet mouth, wiping my lips of his warmth. "Edward? How are we going to get married? We're only sixteen and don't we need like, our parents to consent to this?"

He sat up in his seat, rubbing imaginary wrinkles from his coat. "Well, yeah. Okay so…I did like a ridiculous amount of research and here's the deal. If we go to Vegas, we can get married with our ID and birth certificates. You have yours, right?" I nodded, vaguely remembering that in my hysterical ramblings, I had told him about Charlie making me bring my birth certificate to Seattle to register for school. I had never removed it from my duffle bag.

"All we need is one parent's consent. Once we get the consent, it takes fifteen minutes to file the paperwork…no blood tests or anything are necessary, and then they will marry us. The thing is, we can't go to one of those little wedding chapels because we're underage and all underage marriages have to be preformed at the um…" He twisted, reaching to pull out a small spiral notebook from the stack on the floor of his back seat. He flipped it open, thumbing through a few pages before finding the location.

"Regional Justice Center. But you don't want to get married by a cheesy Elvis Presley impersonator, do you?" I shook my head no. "Good, me neither. Okay, so the flight to Vegas is two hours and twenty two minutes and I checked…there's a flight at 1:05, so we would arrive around three thirty and by the time we get to our hotel and get ready, it will be like, five I guess, and then…once they do the ceremony or whatever…Viola! We're married." He said with a flourish, then shrugged his shoulders innocently with a bright smile. I knew what that was alluding to…the honeymoon and the sex that accompanied that.

My mouth hung open, and I think some drool even spilled onto my coat.

"I would have to fax over the paperwork to my attorney so he can file it with the court and I am guessing that the restraining order is lifted immediately, but I am not positive about that. I was too nervous to call and find out, so I figured we'd wait until the ceremony was official and then I would start figuring out what to do on the legal end. I don't even know if because the pictures were taken before the marriage, if I can still get into trouble for it." He licked his lips, sighing. Obviously, this was extremely trying on Edward and I was wondering how he was handling all of this without falling apart at the seams.

"I uh…stole some dresses from your closet. They were the only white ones I could find, and I got some shoes too. Your closet is a fucking mess and I really had to try hard not to organize that shit and I would have if I wasn't pressed for time…so… but it's like in the high seventies in Vegas, so you're going to have to buy some clothes when we get there. We can stay there and um…honeymoon or whatever, or we can go somewhere else if you want. Are you going to speak at all any time soon or did you have a stroke?" A grin spread across his face that eventually shrunk into a smirk.

_White dresses? Oh for the love of God, your timing sucks balls. With all the praying I do, you'd think you would at least cut me a break!_

"Um…E?" I cringed. "I got my period this morning."

Edward shut his eyes, pressing his forehead against the steering wheel, banging it twice. He let out a low chuckle. "Of course you did. God is totally fucking with us Bella. I am certain he's up three laughing his balls off at me right now. The night I can rightfully be with the girl I love and he starts her menstrual cycle three days early."

Then he looked up to the ceiling shaking his head, as though he were asking God WTF? The last thing I wanted to do was spend my wedding night consummating my marriage with my period, particularly knowing that Edward, anal and meticulous as he was, was completely grossed out whenever I mentioned that I had my period. I knew he would likely have strong objections to messy period sex. Or maybe he would even be able to put his qualms aside for the occasion- after all, he _was_ the horniest person I had ever met.

"Menstrual cycle? Call it a period, okay? Ant Flo, monthly friend, on the rag…anything but menstrual cycle."

Edward shuddered, muttering, "Fucking gross."

I sat back appalled. "You're going to be a doctor, Edward! You'll have to deal with this stuff all the time."

"I'm going into sports medicine, not gynecology. Just stop talking about it, okay?" He shuddered again, reiterating my point about being squeamish regarding my monthly cycle.

"So…your mom and dad gave us permission to get married?" I asked smiling at the thought that we had Carlisle and Esme's blessing, while tying to change the subject.

Edward pursed his lips. "Uh, no…not exactly. They don't know I'm even gone. I mean they will, when the school calls and then again when Charlie shows up to kick my ass for running away with his daughter," he mused. I looked at him expectantly.

"E, my mom is not going to grant consent for us to get married…that's the last thing she would allow considering her issues with marrying my dad so young!" I huffed, sitting back in my seat utterly disappointed. I mean yeah, it was nuts to run off and get married at sixteen, but E was right. It really was the only way we could do this. They literally left us no choice.

"I'm going to call Edward," he said simply, cupping his cheek in his palm. "I mean, that's if he even answers the damn phone." I inhaled with a nod, knowing how hard this would be for him to do.

"Are you sure about this E? I mean what if there's another way? I was thinking about if I got emancipated, then I wouldn't have to follow my father's rules and…"

"You need steady income and a place to live to become emancipated, Love. That isn't an option. Look, it's fine. I'll call him…it's okay." He handed me a business card tucked into the pocket of the notebook. I stared at it for a minute or so, running my thumb over the raised lettering.

"He's in real estate?" My voice raised an octave.

Edward nodded absently. "He only sells Manhattan's exclusive properties. You should see the website. His office building is…insane, so he's gotta be making crazy money doing that stuff." He chewed on the inside of his mouth.

"Are you going to call him now?"

"Yeah, I guess now's as good of a time as any."

Edward looked like he was going to shit himself, as I handed back the card. I clasped his hand in mine, bringing it to my lips. "You're very brave."

"I wouldn't exactly say that," he mumbled, pulling his phone from his coat pocket. I saw a cell phone store just down the block when we had passed, figuring I could go replace the battery while he took care of the call. I thought maybe I should give him some privacy, but then I didn't know if he needed some moral support or something. He pressed the numbers into the keypad and took a long, shaky inhale of breath. Clearing his throat, Edward gave me a tiny smile before he began to gnaw on his lip nervously.

"I feel like I'm gonna fucking puke right now." I rubbed his hand gently with my thumb to soothe him. He cringed.

"Edward Masen please. Um…yes…this is…his son."

**~%~**

Once we got to Sea –Tac and bought our tickets for the flight to Vegas, Edward and I nervously sat amongst the other passengers waiting to board. The conversation with his father, for lack of another appropriate title, went both good and bad. Apparently, Esme had been lying to Edward all these years maintaining that Edward Sr. was a deceitful manwhore who wanted nothing to do with his illegitimate son. However, according to Edward Sr. this was not actually the case. E was disturbed by this revelation and needless to say, he had been quiet and brooding since the call. He fidgeted with the buttons on his coat sleeves, alternately pursing his lips in contemplation and absently biting the inside of his cheek while smiling at me meekly every so often. It was unnerving, because I wasn't sure if he was beginning to regret this whole thing. I'd asked him like nine times if he wanted to back out and on the last time, he snapped at me irritatedly with a definite no.

The good news was that Edward Sr. decided to grant us permission to marry, by faxing something notarized over to the courthouse. Edward had all the necessary documents in place, which by the way was a total pain in the ass. Because he was adopted by Carlisle and had a different last name than the consenting parent, he needed proof for this, and proof for that and it was all kind of annoying, but he seemed to know what he was doing, even considering he had taken extensive notes while driving.

Before we checked our luggage, I looked inside the garment bag he'd stolen from my room, hoping he took the right dress, as I had a few stored in various closets. I signed in relief, smiling as I saw right on top, was the gorgeous white strapless dress my mom and I bought on a trip to San Francisco, thinking it would have been perfect for the Sweet Sixteen party I didn't end up having. I loved the dress and thought it ironic that I was using it to get married in instead.

Edward decided to finally answer one of the many calls from Emmett, to at least let him know he was okay. Unfortunately, while he was trying to be vague and distract Em from the real situation, there was a loud boarding call announcement that cued Emmett as to our whereabouts. He immediately thought Edward was on his way to New York to see Edward Sr., but then guessed in disbelief that we were indeed on our way to Vegas. Edward left out the details as to how we ended up in this circumstance, but made Emmett promise to not say anything until we called after the ceremony was complete. Emmett gave us his blessing and his congratulations.

"I guarantee that Rose and Alice know within the hour," I snickered.

"Fifteen minutes," Edward replied with a chuckle.

Edward and I split a Xanax once we boarded the plane, settling into the spacious seats in first class. He wanted me to wait until after he proposed for me to take it, so that I would be in my right mind when making that decision. I thought that was pretty considerate of him, even if it was partially in attempt to cover his own ass. But he was so silly about it. He obviously had no concept of how deeply I loved him. I would run away with him, marry him, let him sell me to a band of gypsies if he wanted me to.

Right before I dozed off, a thought occurred to me, evidence that I really hadn't thought this thing through. I turned to look at Edward, now seemingly calm as he thumbed through a GQ magazine.

"E? Where are we going to live?"

I wasn't even sure if he would want to live together and have a real marriage. Maybe he thought just the marriage certificate would be enough to resolve the legal issues as well as the shit with my father, and then we would go on living exactly as we were, respectively in our own homes.

He blinked a few times, pursing his lips. "I'm not exactly sure. I thought that if my parents were cool with this, then maybe we could stay upstairs in the guest suite and they could turn my bedroom into the guest room. Or…I do have that money from uh …Edward, so I was thinking about maybe buying a small house. Your dad said he was selling right? You think he would give us a fair price?" Edward snickered as I rolled my eyes, finally shutting them as a relieved, peaceful sleep took over my emotionally ravaged body.

I imagined us living in our own house, cooking meals together, making love every night after we did our homework, waking up in his arms every morning, maybe showering together without the use of horribly chafing loofahs as we got ready for homeroom….

Yeah, this was definitely going to be weird.

Edward woke me up when we were on the descent. We de boarded the plane quickly, grabbing our luggage and a cab to the Four Seasons. Edward thought that since it was one of the few hotels that didn't have a casino, it was still elegant and well…it had a bed and a bathroom which was all either of us was really concerned with. He said that if I wanted, we could head over to the Venetian after the ceremony and ride a gondola, pretending we were honeymooning in Italy. To be truthful, I didn't care about the lack of an engagement ring, or the dress, or the honeymoon…I just wanted to be with Edward, and I wanted him safe.

He had received several text messages from both Emmett and Jasper asking where the hell he was, but Edward chose not to respond to them. He said he would call everyone back when it was official.

Las Vegas was completely overwhelming. There was so much going on, I didn't know where to look first. Edward looked out the window of the car with the same astonishment I was feeling, occasionally pointing to something that caught his eye. The hotels were mostly garish, tacky buildings, which would no doubt be even worse at night when they were lit up. We marveled at the street performers and the prostitutes, or girls that simply looked like them, until we finally pulled up to the hotel.

Edward checked in, using his fake ID, and they graciously upgraded our room to a suite because he mentioned he we were getting married. I bought a camera in the gift shop and then we made dinner reservations at their best restaurant, hoping that afterward, we would have a quiet night alone as a legally married couple, doing what married couples did. I was so nervous and anxious and unbelievable excited that even the Xanax, which still hadn't worn off completely, couldn't stop me from bouncing on my toes. Edward just laughed at me, seeming much less pissed off over the phone conversation and the whole situation in general.

I showered first, shaving my legs thoroughly. Of course, while I was showering, Edward shaved his face again while simultaneously organizing my crap on the bathroom counter until it was neatly arranged to his liking.

Once he was inside the shower enclosure, I took a couple of peeks at him while his eyes were closed, hair and hands full of suds as they scrubbed his scalp. Edward was just…beautiful. I swear, I could stare at his ass all day without ever getting bored. I thought about touching it, being able to finally caress him, feel his skin and the way he would be pressed warmly against my naked body, holding me, kissing me, inside of me….

I was so ready to be Mrs. Edward Cullen.

Mostly.

The bouquet of flowers Edward had given me earlier were still fresh, and perfect for a bouquet. I cut some of the stems down, rewrapping the silk bow around a smaller bunch of the roses.

I slipped on my dress, smoothing out the front, thanking God that it still fit perfectly. (Okay well, I didn't actually thank_ Him_, because I was pissed at the guy quite frankly, but I was grateful to any deity that would listen.)

The dress was simple, white with a slight pale pink hue, sweetheart top and a billowy skirt that hit just below my knee. A ribbon sash adorned with a large silk flower sat at the waist. It was a great dress, simple and classic, yet really feminine. I didn't have a veil or anything, but I'd left my hair down in big loose curls, because Edward liked it that way and I just wanted to look pretty for him. I tucked one of the tiny roses into my hair, checking in the mirror to see if it looked stupid.

After slipping on my shoes, I sat at the edge of the bed fidgeting impatiently, waiting for Edward to finish getting dressed. I thought about taking another Xanax to calm my nerves, but I really wanted to be alert for the night and at the same time, I didn't want to become dependent on the drugs to keep me sane.

Eventually, when I got bored, I grabbed my camera, taking a few pictures of the sunset and then a few of myself with the timer before eventually knocking on the bathroom door.

"E, the groom isn't supposed to take longer than the bride to get ready. Something is very wrong here!"

"Go away. You're not supposed to see the groom before the wedding. It's bad luck!" he laughed, his words muffled by the closed door between us.

I clicked my tongue rolling my eyes. "That's only for the bride… and I can't imagine us having any worse luck then we already have."

"True, true. Come in if you must," he joked. I opened the door, my mouth dropping in awe as he worked on the knot on his dark tie. His face was tilted up toward the mirror, lips pursed in concentration. He was just…beautiful.

I gasped at the perfectly slim cut black suit that fit him like it was made for him, which in all probability, it was.

"You should wear a suit every single day," I marveled in awe. Edward smirked, finally getting his tie the way he needed it. When he caught a glimpse of me in the mirror, he smiled, pausing his hands at his throat.

"Love…look at you." He turned, meeting my gaze with soft, smiling eyes. With a feather light touch, Edward swept his fingertips across my shoulder, trailing them down my arm and clasping my hand in his so naturally, as though he had been doing such things for months. He brought my hand to his mouth, reverently kissing it.

"You are so...beautiful." He made a coiling motion above my head for me to spin. I giggled, feeling light and beautiful and safe as I twirled about for him, the flouncy hem of my dress lifting in the air.

"Look at how happy you are. I hope you'll always smile like this for me," Edward said softly, cocking his head to the side.

"You make me happy Edward. Despite everything…you make me happy and I love you."

"You know, obviously neither of us is truly ready for this, and I am not an idiot thinking it's all going to me like, rainbows and fucking sunshine when all is said and done, but thank you. Just…thank you for putting up with me and for sacrificing so much to be with me. I don't deserve you, but I am glad your crazy enough to stick with me." He kissed my lips softly, evidently, trying not to smear my lipstick. "And no offense but your father can kiss my fuckawesomely fine ass if he thinks he's keeping me out of your life."

Once Edward had finished primping, and the hotel concierge insisted on taking some photos of us in their gazebo, we climbed into a black limo, courtesy of the hotel, headed to the Clark County Court building. The charge in the car was palpable with nervous energy and excitement. People stared at us as we emerged from the vehicle, smiling warily when they noticed that we were obviously young.

Edward took one look at the building and turned pale as a ghost.

I stopped short at the steps. "E, we don't have to go through with this. I won't be upset." That was a half lie. I mean, of course I would be upset, but I understood wholly if he wanted to back out.

"No, I'm fine it's just…the court building. It makes me kind of nauseas." Unfortunately, being in public, particularly in front of a place of law or whatever, Edward would not come within a foot of me, so I couldn't even hold his hand to soothe him.

It took a while to find the proper place, but after a few tries we ended up in the Regional Justice Center, and began to fill out paperwork in order to get married. Edward explained his end of the papers, with the faxed consent from his biological father whose name was different from his own, and his adoption papers and birth certificate all confusing enough but simply explained. Once we handed in the forms, we were told to wait a few minutes while the documents were processed.

He and I sat outside on a bench in the hallway, fidgeting and nervous like teenagers about to get married. It seemed like an eternity that we sat there, both releasing shaking breaths and laughing at each other. Admittedly, I was feeling guilty about not having my mother here to witness this. Not that she would approve or be at all happy about her daughter's underage nuptials, but friends and family should rightfully attend my wedding. I hoped that maybe one day, when this was all behind us and our families and friends had accepted our marriage, that we could have a real ceremony and reception to celebrate.

The big wooden door swung open, and the nice lady who took our paperwork stepped out, her heels clicking on the tile.

"Mr. Cullen, Ms. Swan," she called authoritatively, not smiling when she made eye contact with us. Edward gave me a smirk as we stood up together, crossing the hallway and disappearing inside the room.

He leaned in whispering, "I love you," as the lady motioned for us to follow her behind yet another set of doors. In her office, she asked us to sit in cushy chairs across from her desk. With bright red fingernails tapping the edges of a stack of paperwork, apparently all of ours, she sighed with a condescending smile. Her gaze focused on Edward.

"Unfortunately, we have a bit of a discrepancy here. Your mother called."

**~%~**


	29. Chapter 29 Disappointment

**This gets really, really angsty. Angsty to the point where you may not want to read anymore. And that's perfectly fine, but I am warning you, for some readers, the future chapters will be painful to read. **

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 29~ Disappointment**

**Caught in the confines of the simple life  
And I am...  
Holding my head high in the rising tide  
And I can't win  
And I can't fight  
I keep holding on too tight  
Running away from the world outside**

**Now I am calling**  
**Hoping you'll hear me**  
**We all need somebody**  
**To believe in something**  
**And I won't fear this**  
**When I am falling**  
**We all need somebody**  
**That can mend... These broken bones**  
**Rev Theory~ Broken Bones**

**~Edward~**

"Edward Masen please. Yeah, um…this is his son." My hand shook slightly as it held the phone to my ear. I wanted to throw up. But I was in my car and I wasn't about to damage the leather upholstery with the greasy burger I downed at a fast food joint on the way over.

"O-oh…just a m-mo moment, please." Yeah, she was stuttering. His secretary obviously wasn't aware he had an illegitimate teenage kid either. I sort of felt bad about outing him at his place of business, but desperate times called for desperate measures. And if you looked up desperate on Wikipedia, you would get a pic of my face. Or my dick. Either or.

"Edward Masen speaking," he said clipped, but professional. His voice was deeper than I imagined it. My heart pulsed wildly in my throat, I felt really thirsty and I had to switch the phone to my other ear because I was sweating so much.

"Uh, hello. This is uh…Edward." I glanced at Bella who was staring at me intently; her hand stilled on one of the pages of my notebook of random spontaneous teenage wedding in Vegas notes.

_Silence._

"Hello?" I asked, thinking either he'd had a heart attack or he was trying to find a quick escape route.

"Y-yes, hello…Edward." Really long pause. Like uncomfortably long. "Sorry. How are you?" I could almost hear his heart beat through the phone…the faltering in his voice proved that he was just as nervous as I was.

"I'm okay. I'm sorry to bother you, but I sort of have a favor to ask and I was wondering if you could help me." I cringed, thinking that this guy just sent me a hundred grand and now I was asking for more from him, when clearly he didn't want to be bothered with me.

"Did you have a problem cashing the check I sent? Of course… if you need more money, that isn't an issue…" Oh...he thought I wanted more money.

"No, no. Thank you by the way. It was very generous of you." What the fuck else was I going to say?

"Well, I've had quite a good year, despite the lagging economy, and well, I know you'll be going off to college next year, so I wanted to uh…contribute." He fished for that last word. I wondered why.

"Well thank you, it's great and I really appreciate it, but um…no. I actually need a favor. Your wife is uh…Gianna?" I looked to Bella, confirming that was the correct name because when she told me she was hysterical. Bella nodded in agreement. This was so fucking awkward ratting out this guy's wife.

His tone changed. "Yes? What about her?"

"Well, she actually hired a private detective to trail my mom and I … I think she was suspicious of the check or whatever and …"

"Fuck," he whispered. I swallowed. He intimidated me. I had never even met the man, and I honestly didn't understand why he unsettled me. "I'm sorry," he apologized, though I wasn't sure if it was for his foul language, or for the fact that his own wife had no idea I existed. "I can't believe she would do this," he mumbled. It sounded like a fist slamming on a desk or something. I didn't know whether to elaborate, or apologize again, but I was still feeling like a dumbass.

"So um…it's kind of a long story that I really don't have time to go into at length but see, your wife's investigation included me…and some pictures turned up of me kissing my girlfriend, Bella…" I smiled meekly at her next to me. "I have sort of a legal issue that could get me into some serious trouble for kissing her…and well, to make a long story short, we want to get married and we need one parent's consent. I was hoping you could help us out with that."

_Way to sound verbose there, E. _

"You're sixteen. You want to get married?" He paused. "Oh…she's pregnant." He sighed audibly, likely thinking that I had inherited his "knocking up the girlfriend gene."

"No, actually she's not. We're just in a predicament and well, we love each other, and…would…would you help me?" I fucking squeaked at the end there.

"Edward, I don't know. It's not that I don't want to. But I have no legal rights over you and the agreement Esme and I have…I don't think I can do that."

_Excuse me?_ "What agreement is that?"

"Well, I agreed that if you had ever tried to contact me I would notify her. That's why when you came to New York last year…I couldn't…I wanted to see you, but I wasn't able to get in touch with Esme right away. When I finally got her on her cell, she asked me not to meet with you because you were involved in…well, in that _legal situation…_and she thought you were too emotionally unstable to be dealing with meeting me at the time. I'm sorry, I thought you knew about this."

My heart began to pound harder than it had before. "No. I didn't know. So then you know about my restraining order?" Yeah that wasn't embarrassing or anything. He must be so proud. No wonder why he didn't tell his own wife about his kid. And my mother? Emotionally unstable? Way to be supportive, mom.

"Yes, I am so sorry you have to go through something like this. I offered to help out any way I could, but she declined."

"So you talk to my mother on a regular basis?"

"Well, she emails me every few months and on occasion, we do speak directly on the phone. Edward, your mom has been sending me pictures and updates on you since you were two...since the paternity tests proved that you were my child. Honestly, at first I really tried to not concern myself with them, but…not that it's an excuse, but I was a very different person back then. I was twenty, selfish and I was a year away from graduating Princeton and…I met your mom on a weekend trip to the coast. I didn't know her, she didn't know me, we just…fooled around and then next thing I know it's the fall, and she's tracking me down trying to pin her pregnancy on me.

"Edward, forgive me, but…when you come from wealth such as my family does, and well, your mom comes from a working class family…it's hard to decipher who is genuine and who isn't just latching on to the cash. I assumed she was using me as her ticket out of the small town life, and I was mistrustful of her intentions. Plus…I had a girlfriend that I had cheated on with your mom. God, I sound like such a letch…"

Stunned, I simply said, "Go on." Bella gazed at me quizzically. I shook my head, indicating that I would tell her in a minute.

"After I received my MBA and got a job…I think you were around seven years old then; I began to make my own money, and I had grown up so much and well, I reevaluated my priorities. I contacted Esme to ask if I could see you, and she said no, that it wasn't a good idea. She said that you had your life intact with your step-father and step-brothers, not knowing anything other than them, and she didn't want to disrupt your childhood or cause you emotional trauma. I could have fought it in court, fought for rights and custody, but truthfully…I knew she was right. I didn't trust myself at twenty to be a parent and I certainly didn't trust your mother's intentions at the time either. But as I matured, I knew that your mom knew what was best for you. It was then that I realized how much I had lost by intentionally removing myself from your life, and when I was ready to behave like a father, it was simply too late. I asked her to continue to send pictures and to keep me in…"

There was an interruption in the background. His secretary was quietly telling him that his clients were waiting. Edward told her he would be only a minute or so.

"Edward…I'm so sorry. I have clients waiting and…Can I please call you back? Is this your cell number? I'd really like to continue this conversation."

"Uh, yeah sure, but I am really pressed for time though. We have a flight to catch in an hour and then well…a wedding to be at. Do you think that you could fax something notarized over…?"

"Yes, of course. Give me the information." I took the notebook from Bella, giving him the details of the necessary paperwork and the phone and fax numbers of the courthouse. He told me that he would call me next week and then apologized about a hundred more times for having to cut me off.

Bella grinned brightly, upon realization that we got the necessary permission. She really was excited about this and well, I was glad because I knew she was expecting a lot more when it came to her wedding day—not a crappy proposal and a rushed ceremony, with period sex, and no honeymoon or proper ring.

"Thank you," I said into the phone, utterly dumbfounded by what he had told me, and grateful at the same time that he consented to the marriage.

"Your welcome, Edward. Congratulations, by the way. Your Mom sent pictures of you from Christmas and your fiancée is beautiful. It was great finally speaking to you. I wish you two the best of luck." He sounded really sincere about it.

I thanked him again and hung up, rehashing all the details to Bella. "My mom is totally fucked up, B. She's been telling me what a selfish jerk he is all these years, and meanwhile, he actually wanted to get to know me and be a part of my life. I don't understand why she wouldn't let him if he took genuine interest. I mean…not that I think I would even have wanted to meet him, but still. Don't you think she should have given me the option?" I asked irritatedly as I pulled out on the main road toward the airport.

Bella shrugged her shoulders. "I'm sure she had a good reason. I mean…you were what? Seven? You can't really make a decision like that so young."

"True," I conceded. "But still. Carlisle will always be my father and I can understand her reasoning when I was little...but as I got older I should have at least been given the option, or told the truth.

"I agree. But do you think he could be full of shit? Is he like…nice?"

"Yeah I guess he could be lying, but I didn't get the feeling that he was. He seems nice. He wants to call me back to talk some more."

"Really? Wow, that's cool. You know, it seems to be the theme of the day...our perfect parents being assholes and the people we thought would be the last to stand by us doing exactly that."

I nodded and smiled at her, lost in thought.

**~%~**

We split a Xanax upon takeoff, and then once Bella fell asleep, I took another half of a pill. Cause yeah… I was fucking getting married today.

I probably should have been shitting my pants over it, but honestly, I was more anxious about getting to the court before Charlie found Bella was MIA and put out an APB on her ass. And regardless of the fact that we had nowhere to live, and would be the only couple at Forks High taking the SAT's at the same time we were filing joint taxes at the end of the fiscal year, I really was prepared to be a good husband to Bella.

Okay… maybe_ prepared_ wasn't the most appropriate word, because I was anything but _prepared_, but I was willing? Enthusiastic? Eager even? To do right by her. It was fucked up, because it felt so much like I was using her in the same manner an illegal alien would marry an American to stay in the country. Only, I was marring Bella to not only get her father off our backs (which I had a distinct feeling was going to do the exact opposite), but to get me out of going to jail or whatever legal ramifications resulted from the scandalous photos of my indiscretions. Oh yeah, and for the fact that our nuptials would allow me freedom…sweet, sweet freedom.

Bottom line was that I loved her with my entire heart and soul, and that I had full intentions of being a good and worthy husband to her…even if I had no idea what that job entailed.

When I stood beside my beautiful girl all done up in her sweet pinkish white dress, thinking about what the fuck we were actually doing, it didn't even make me anxious. I realized that even though I was a kid, with no job, no steady means of providing for her, no place to live…I _wanted _this. I wanted to wake up next to her every day, my morning wood poking into her back, and I wanted to do like, house work and shit with her…. I pictured us folding laundry together and of course, when she was done, I'd go and refold all the stuff she did, but still…. We'd cook meals together, laughing and flirting, and we'd even have parties at our house or apartment or whatever and I don't know…maybe I was just dreaming about this shit because I was growing a mangina not having gotten laid in so long.

Oh and speaking of…the day I can legally be intimate with my girlfriend, she gets her period. I mean what the fuck is that?

Bella once told me that her Italian neighbor when she lived in New York, was like a witch woman. People who had really unfortunate spells of luck would come to her so that she could remove the curse, or the evil eye, or whatever the fuck they labeled it. She would put drops of olive oil in water and then say some magic words and the evil curse went away. B said I should go see one of those women, because she thought for sure I had a _Mal Occhio_ on me. I laughed at her at the time, but I was honestly starting to believe that someone out there had like an Edward Cullen Voodoo doll and was fucking with my Karma, sticking needles in me at every turn. If all it would take was some oil and water, well, damn…I'd find the closest salad bar and start pouring the shit all over me if I thought it would help any. But knowing my dumb luck, someone would slip and fall and sue the fuck out of me.

It just didn't make any sense that I would be subjected to all this shit. Bella thought that I was getting all my bad experiences out in the beginning of life as opposed to having it spread around like a normal person. I didn't believe that either, because the shit I was facing was goddamn excessive.

When the courthouse lady called us into her office, honestly, I thought she was just going to have us sign some more papers or something and then take us to the person that was going to perform the ceremony. But no…my fucking _mother_ called.

_Worst cockblock in the history of cockblocks._

Apparently, she had ratted us out in that Edward Masen…my biological father, the one consenting adult in this whole scam was not a custodial parent, therefore negating the necessary approval which she and Bella's dad absolutely did not consent to. _Motherfuckers._

Insert needle into the Voodoo Edward doll…right in the mother fucking heart. However, I never thought my own mom would be the pin pusher.

After a string of colorful expletives and a small tantrum on my part, Bella and I found ourselves sitting on the courthouse stairs staring despondently at the swirling pink and orange hues of the sunset battling with the twinkling lights of the Vegas strip. With her bouquet still clutched in her hand, she picked at the petals of the flowers, slowly pulling them off the buds one by one and flicking them onto the sidewalk. I was so fucking pissed, I couldn't speak. I was so fucking ashamed and defeated, I couldn't look at her. She said nothing to me, because really, what could she even say at that point?

I smoked a cigarette while intermittently biting my nails ragged. I knew I was fucked royally. Not only did I fail at marrying Bella, my one way out of this fuckery, but her father was going to fry my fucking ass the second I got off that airplane. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a throng of uniformed officers waiting for me.

Silence and defeat hung heavily in the air around us as we knew that tonight was likely the last time we saw each other. Either she was going back to her mother's in California, or I was going away to Juvie…maybe even real jail. I couldn't even bring myself to think about that. I had already been holding back tears of disappointment and emotional exhaustion, the mass in my throat prominent.

"We're in a shitload of trouble, aren't we?" she asked, in a very small voice, looking terribly young and tiny in her dress spread around her.

I nodded, blowing a puff of smoke over Bella's head. She took the cigarette from me.

"Honest?" I asked, wanting to know if she really wanted to hear the truth or a watered down version, which I would have been happy to have given.

"Always."

"Yeah, we're fucked. Right about now, you are considered officially kidnapped."

She nodded, pursing her lips and exhaling a very shaky breath of gray smoke. "We should call someone just so that they know we're okay."

"Who?" I snickered darkly, staring at my phone. I had shut it off inside the courthouse, finding thirteen missed calls and another thirty or so missed texts when I turned it back on afterward. Most of them were from my mom, which started out worried and then ended up screaming and furious.

Edward Sr. had also left a message telling me my mother called him when Charlie apparently came raging into the house, after no one could find either Bella or me for hours, and that he was obligated to tell her the truth of our conversation and our whereabouts. She initially called him, thinking that maybe we ran away to New York or something, which was funny, because for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why she would think I would seek refuge with a man who she had repeatedly painted as the asshole. But maybe it was because I went there last time…but that was an entirely different situation, and I wasn't exactly _emotionally stable_ as she so delicately phrased it, nor was the trip at all intentional.

I was certain it was Em or Jasper who had outed us, but I didn't hold a grudge against Edward Sr. for being honest with my mom. I suppose that showed his character wasn't nearly flawed as much as she made it out to be.

I felt like we had no allies in this except for my brothers and their girlfriends, and they were of no help to us. But I knew Bella wanted to call someone.

Handing the phone to her, I said, "Do you want to call your mom?"

She shook her head yes, whispering, "Later. Can we just go now?"

With useless paperwork in hand, a plucked over bouquet and very heavy hearts, we took a cab back to the hotel. The staff greeted us cheerfully as we passed the reception area, but they quickly adjusted their expressions upon understanding our despondence. Neither of us was up for an elaborate celebratory dinner at that point, obviously having nothing to commemorate but the inordinate amount of disappointment that accompanied knowing me.

After I quietly cancelled the dinner reservations we had made earlier, we headed up to our room avoiding curious glances from well-wishers wanting to congratulate the oh so unhappy couple. The anxious look on Bella's face proved that she would rather have slithered into the fucking floorboards than have to endure the scrutinizing stares of nosey strangers. In the endlessly long elevator trip up, I watched as she pulled the pink rose from her hair, crushing it in her palm, as though the removal of it would make her look less obviously like a bride. A few people congratulated us, and not knowing how else to respond I simply replied in thanks. It was wholly embarrassing, and did nothing but make me want to hit a cheerful motherfucker.

Once back in our room, Bella rooted through her bag before disappearing inside the bathroom. I hung my suit jacket in the closet, removing my tie and white dress shirt, wishing I had a big fat joint and a bottle of anything that burned on the way down…anything to numb the pain and ease the anxiety of not knowing what the return to Forks would bring. Anything to just sate the nagging wretched feeling in my gut that would ultimately tear Bella and I away from each other. God, I was fucked and I knew it, and I couldn't do a goddamn thing about it. I sent Emmett a text, knowing I could trust him to relay the info to my mom and dad…and subsequently Charlie.

_**Tell them we'll be home 2 morrow night. Still single.**_

He responded quickly:

_**Fuck dude, you are in some deep shit. Sorry about the wedding.**_

_**Yeah, no shit. Not as sorry as I am.**_

I turned off my phone again, not wanting to talk to anyone or face reality. I did know, that I wasn't about to speak to Charlie if he called looking for Bella, that was for fucking certain. My palm scrubbed over my face in sheer dejection and disappointment. I honestly don't think I had ever felt so hopeless and afraid in my life. The morning that I sat in the judge's chambers and left with a restraining order came close, but this time, I had dragged Bella along with me, and I knew damn well she was feeling just as glum and frightened as I was. Having her feel that because of me exacerbated the situation to a million times worse.

"Baby, do you want dinner?" I asked, knocking softly on the bathroom door. She opened it, nodding minutely with her bottom lip caught between her teeth, which I knew then she was holding back tears. I wanted to tell her to just fucking cry already, but I didn't dare. I wanted her to know it was okay to cry over it, that she could be angry and blame me for the shitstorm I caused her life to be. Because she would never blame me for any of it.

Bella stepped out in shorts and a snug tee shirt, her beautiful curls all smooshed up on top of her head, makeup thoroughly washed off…a testament that our wedding had been officially terminated.

"You okay?" I asked tentatively, completely afraid of the answer she might give. She nodded, offering me a watery smile. She hadn't said a fucking word to me since we got back to the room, and though I understood why, it frustrated me because she definitely seemed like she needed to talk to someone. I guess that someone wasn't me.

"Baby, if you want to talk to Alice or Rose, you know you can use my phone, right?" I asked.

She nodded, whispering, "I know, thanks. I'm just not really in the mood to talk right now."

As she hung her dress in the closet, I felt her sadness emanating through her slow, deliberate motions, through her sulking posture. She brushed the wrinkles from the skirt of her dress almost as if she were wiping away her disappointment. I knew she had wanted this too. I knew she was looking forward to finding a solution to the shit we were going through and I fucking knew that I promised her I would fix it….

But there was nothing I could do to make this better…nothing I could to take her sadness away. And that, out of all the things that had happened over the last day…the betrayal from my mother, Charlie finding about my history, the cockblocked wedding, talking to my biological father for the first time, kidnapping Bella…knowing that I was responsible for yet another round of sadness for Bella was the very worst part.

It was breaking me inside.

We ordered room service and turned on the television, though neither of us was entirely hungry or interested in watching anything. The noise was better than the silence that weighed like a giant fucking elephant in the room. I felt like at any moment she was going to crack and lose it, and then I in turn wouldn't be far behind. I just wished I knew what the fuck to say to her.

We ate in silence at our little table, the only sounds were the occasional clinking of silverware and the muffled murmur of the TV. I pushed the food around on my plate, feeling nauseated, watching Bella as she basically did the same thing. I wanted to shove the shit aside and take her into my arms and promise her that it would be okay, but that would be bullshit and we both knew it. I couldn't...wouldn't lie to her.

We both looked up at the door when a quick knock and then subsequent handle jiggle startled us. I stood, striding to the door, only remembering the provisions I had ordered when the porter stood before me apologizing. He pushed the small cart that held a bottle of ridiculously expensive champagne and two glasses, a large plate of chocolate dipped strawberries and a huge crystal bowl of blood red rose petals, in which I had arranged for them to be strewn over the bed in anticipation of our wedding night while we were at dinner. Stupidly, I had cancelled our reservations, but not this service.

I had seen the rose petal on the bed thing done in a movie once and thought it would be romantic. It did nothing but make the situation a thousand times worse.

After handing the guy a twenty, he seemed to sense my ire and hurriedly strode off apologetically while I shut the door staring at the cart. It was a good thing he hauled ass out of there because the urge to fucking hit something or someone was forefront in my mind.

"Edward…" she said softly from across the room. I broke my gaze away from the four hundred dollar bottle of **Dom Pérignon **we were supposed to be drinking, **and **the mammoth strawberries I was supposed to be sensually feeding her, and the fucking rose petals that were supposed to be sprinkled underneath our naked bodies…and my eyes met hers—infuriated green burning into frightened brown. The sight of her sitting at the table, on our theoretical wedding night, looking the opposite of how she'd looked just hours prior…hands wringing in her lap, lip stuck between her teeth fucking incensed me.

This was not the way it was supposed to happen.

This was not supposed to be my fucking life.

My fingers gripped the edge of the heavy crystal bowl and without thinking of the immediate or the long term consequences, I screamed, "Motherfucking fuck!" and I hurled it against the wall opposite the bed with the force of the pitcher I once was. The glass shattered in an astonishing manner, blood red petals littering the furniture and floor. A gaping hole in the sheetrock remained where the glass collided with it, and I didn't give a second though to the monetary charges that would incur as a result of my temper.

Bella jumped and screamed, clapping her hand over her mouth, completely astounded. I was pretty fucking shocked too and ashamed…so ashamed of my inability to just fucking hold it together for longer than Bella. What was left of my quickly waning masculinity, needed Bella to lose it first so I could be the one to comfort her.

Quickly, I crossed the room barely making it to the balcony with weakened knees, shaking hands unlocking the latch. Bella shouldn't have seen me this way.

Outside, the air was warm and thick with humidity, and it should have offered comfort from the chilled atmosphere of the room, but it didn't. My back pressed flush against the stucco wall, I slid down to the warm tile floor, feeling the sting of the textured surface burn my skin as it scraped beneath the under shirt that had ridden up. I brought my knees to my chest and buried my face in my hands, letting long awaited tears to expel. And I sobbed like a fucking girl, embarrassed that Bella could hear me. I didn't want her to know how weak all of this had made me…how pathetic I had become.

I hadn't even realized I was doing it, but the involuntary rocking motion was sort of soothing. Bella was then crouched before me, prying my hands from my face, frantic to get me to look at her. I couldn't look in her eyes, because I knew behind them would be tears that mirrored my own, tears that I had caused and pain that I wouldn't be able to mend.

She clambered onto my lap, straddling me as her arms wrapped around my torso. I clung to her as though my life depended on it. In a lot of ways...it actually did.

"Edward…shhh," she whispered, rocking with me, arms so tight around me they were almost suffocating. Her face was hot and wet and her voice shook with the rasp of emotional exhaustion. I could smell her perfume and shampoo and a slight hint of the rose she had tucked in her hair earlier.

"Baby…I'm so fucking scared. And I love you so fucking much. And I'm so …fucking…sorry." Her skin was warm and soft as it brushed against my cheek.

"I love you Edward…I'm scared too."

I was glad she didn't tell me it would be okay when she knew it wouldn't, just as I wouldn't do that to her. A false sense of security or hope were the last things either of us needed at the moment. We stayed like that for a while, locked in a rocking tearful embrace, until her thumb traced the line of my jaw and I had to close my eyes as the feeling of it stirred things inappropriately. Her lips met the apple of my cheek, then the other and repeated the kiss gently over each closed eyelid. Ever so softly, she kissed my forehead and the tip of my nose, my chin, and lastly my lips. I tasted the salt of my own tears on her mouth, and I was disgusted.

"I love you," she whispered, sniffling.

"I love you beautiful girl," I managed to whisper back through a choked sob. Bella's fingers ran through my hair as I settled my cheek on her shoulder, holding her waist in my hands. I breathed her in deeply, trying to make sure to remember the little things like the way she smelled and the way her skin felt as I traced circles under her shirt. Bella shifted forward in an attempt to move the foot that was stuck underneath her, causing a severe effect on my groin. Even through the dismay and anguish we were both experiencing, my dick managed to find a way to get out from under the darkness finding sunshine in the form of Bella's unassuming crotch.

I hardened quickly from the heat and friction from her unintentional rubbing. Bella gasped lightly when she realized what her actions had done. Her mouth hung open, mirroring mine, both of our eyes wide in surprise. We had never been this close before…this intimate, even though we had been completely naked with each other, the touching, the caressing made all the difference. I could feel the thumping in my chest quicken and my breath catch when she purposely ground her hips down on me again…hard.

She whispered, "Oooh," breathily against my mouth.

Fuck. Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk.

I breathed out in a heated whoosh, my face still damp with tears. Her tongue lingered at my lips, asking permission to enter, which I gladly gave by touching her tongue with mine. Our mouths collided, warm and wet and she tasted like lemons and she was fucking delicious. Bella pressed against me again, and the heat from her pussy concentrated on my dick was fucking extraordinary. I cupped her ass cheeks in both of my hands, greedy and wanton, squeezing them both and assisting her movement when her hips pushed forth once again.

The paranoia left from the date rape accusation made me feel like I should say something to her…ask her if she was sure this was okay, but who the fuck was I kidding? I knew she wanted it as badly as I did. It was obvious.

Bella whimpered softly against my mouth as her hands made their way under my shirt sliding up the planes of my stomach to my nipples. I gasped and grunted when her thumbs fanned over them and she tugged on the ring. I hissed at the sensation, sensitive skin sparking sensations in my cock that I hadn't ever experienced before. If I hadn't undergone such a traumatic night, I probably would have blown my load right there. She tugged my shirt off, tossing it aside, then ran her hands up the sides of my arms to my shoulders.

Bella's mouth moved with mine, tongues twisting and tasting, hands groping and caressing and finally fucking _feeling_. My fingers felt like they were brand new…experiencing the touch of a woman for the first time. Bella's skin was warm and soft and fucking perfect in every way imaginable.

I slid my fingers tentatively under Bella's shirt, making my way up her stomach, over the slight ridges of her ribs finally cupping her bare breasts. I was amazed how fucking soft they were and how they perfectly fit in my hand. She pulled away from me, gasping with wide eyes. I questioned her response with a lick of my lips, but whimpered when she pulled her top off all together, her tits staring me right in the face. I bucked my hips into her this time, meeting her weight as she bore down.

God, I wanted to scream and cry and cum my fucking face off she felt so good.

My hands skimmed her neck and shoulders and then her nipple was in my mouth and her head was thrown back giving me access to her neck which I devoured between licks and sucks of her breasts. And she was moaning and panting and shaking and fucking _grinding…_and her whole body was tense and her fingernails dug into my biceps as she came…loudly.

Bella rested her head on my shoulder as she came down, quietly slowing her breathing. I kissed her generously, on her face and in her hair, holding her to me, warm bare breasts to my naked torso, savoring the moment and feeling her skin and heat and the way she felt sitting directly on my throbbing cock.

Eventually, she pulled away from me, climbing off with a hiss, as her legs must have been aching underneath her. She stood, picking up our cast away shirts and offered me both of her hands. I looked up at her questioningly, my dick still uncomfortably hard.

"Edward…I want to make you feel good…."

Not knowing what specifically she meant by that, but entirely eager to find out, I reached out accepting her hands in mine, allowing her to help me up. I trailed behind her as she led me to the bed, gently pushing me on it. I felt myself trembling with anticipation while I scooted back toward the pillows. Watching intently as she moved about the room, topless and graceful, Bella clicked all the lights off, but the lamp on the desk across the room which left a soft glow. And then she slid onto the bed with me, shimmying herself so that her body was flush with mine as we lay on our sides facing each other.

I traced her lips with my thumb. She whispered, "I love you," against my finger. Kissing her mouth passionately, I cradled her head gently in my hand, running my fingers down her spine, dipping them into the back of her shorts. She moaned and pushed into me again, and then she gasped as I lifted her knee over my hip, grinding into her again. She was hot down there, I mean really hot…and for a moment I wondered if it was okay, considering her womanly physical state or whatever.

But those thoughts were immediately sidetracked when she lifted her face, burying it in my neck and then her teeth…her teeth skimmed my jaw and nipped my chin and moved to my earlobe where she just fucking licked, and sucked, and dragged her teeth over the skin. I had never felt such pleasure before, honest, raw pleasure and all of it…the grinding and the licking and the way her breasts felt, nipples taught and erect as they mashed against my chest was motherfucking divine.

But then…with her tongue back in my mouth, her hands slowly trailed down my stomach and she palmed my dick though my pants. I moaned into her mouth, breaking away from the kiss because she began to unfasten the button on my pants. I was dying to feel her hands on my cock so badly, that I was practically shaking with fucking glee. Once she got them open, she pulled them down, pulling my dick out of my boxer briefs. I had so much precum leaking from the head that I was sure it looked like I pissed myself. Bella gripped it tightly in her hands, stroking upwards against her belly. I was so fucking hard it was painful and I really, really needed to come. She squeezed a bit too hard in her enthusiasm and I flinched, but still finding pleasure in the pain. I wondered if that was even normal.

My eyes shut on their own volition as I rolled onto my back and let her do whatever the fuck she wanted to do to me. I must have sounded like I was in pain, because I moaned non stop at her firm touch and the feeling of something other than my own hand. My dick definitely recognized that it wasn't my own. I swear if he had known he might have put on a bow tie for the occasion.

She got up on her knees, slipping her hands into the waist band of my underwear, pulling them down slowly. Shivering slightly, I sat up a bit staring as she slid them off. I gaped at her, all wide eyed and shit, wondering exactly what the fuck she was doing and then had my question promptly answered as she lowered her mouth to my belly button. She kissed me softly; trailing kisses down my stomach, painfully slow and soft and unnng fuck…until she reached the head of my dick.

_Please…oh pretty, pretty please…with sugar on top and a fucking cherry…maybe some Cool-whip…._

When her tongue met the base of my cock I jumped. Propped up on my elbows, I watched in awe as she trailed a long wet line from the base to tip and then she kissed it gently. Her tongue darted out, pink and perfect, swirling around the swollen head.

_Oh God…maybe you don't fucking hate me…._

And then…I stilled, gripping the bedspread in anticipation just as Bella met my gaze. She glanced at my dick, then back at me and she gave me a tiny smirk...the first glimpse of a smile I had seen from her in fucking four hours. As she licked her lips, she lowered her head down and took me inside of her mouth.

"Arrrrrhhhhhgggggg…Oh my fucking God!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry…the sensation was fucking magnificent. It was hot and wet and suction and pleasure… Her hands moved in perfect synch with her mouth, creating a rhythm of gentle pumping and sucking. I wanted to tell her to curl her lips inward and suck a little harder, but who the fuck was I to complain? She was doing a fucktastic job. At some point, she even cupped my balls in her little hand, rolling the shit around and I narrowed my eyes at her, wondering where she had learned that technique knowing she had very little experience with guys. The thought quickly faded when she grazed the head with her teeth on the way up and glanced at me for a reaction.

_Yes, that's fucking amazing. More please._

And here's the thing. I wanted to be all chivalrous and gentlemanly and tell her to stop immediately. I wanted to gently push her away because I didn't feel that she should be doing something so depraved, particularly when I couldn't reciprocate. I wanted to tell her to wait until it was legally allowable so she wouldn't feel guilty.

Only I didn't fucking _want_ her to stop. I shut my fucking mouth and let her suck me off, because she was my girl and she loved me, and I fucking loved her, and it was right and it was beautiful, and it was _supposed_ to be our fucking wedding night, and I _needed _this so badly…and mother fucking fuck…I was a selfish bastard.

A heated coil of pleasure vibrated through my groin straight to my balls and then spread quickly through the shaft and I was done for.

"I'm gonna come…right now baby," I spat, my shoulders rising off the bed in anticipation of having to catch my shit when she pulled off me. But she continued to suck and move faster with her hand which I understood as her silently telling me she wasn't going anywhere. And as I came into her mouth in three thick spurts and a long groan, my back arched off the bed and tears of relief and utter ecstasy rolled from the corner of my eyes.

_She fucking swallowed._

_God loves me after all._

When she pulled off me, I covered my tearful eyes with my arm, once again shielding the embarrassing emotional mess that I was from her. She crawled next to me concerned, but I whispered reassurance that I was fine...just completely fucking overwhelmed by everything and I thanked her wholeheartedly for all that she had done for me. For the pleasure, for the trust, for the faith in me and for the love she gave me...though at the moment, I felt as though I deserved none of it.

I held her in my arms, under the safety of the covers, kissing intermittently with gentle touching and exploring, sweet whispers of love and adoration and promises we knew neither of us had any right to make. I took every minute of that night to hold her, feel her, love her until sleep eventually claimed us both…and I savored every goddamn minute of that shit because I had no idea if or when we would ever get the opportunity to do so again, and that terrified the crap out of me.

**~%~**

We left Las Vegas that afternoon, neither of us saying much other than whispered I love you's. We took every single opportunity in that hotel room to touch and kiss and _feel_ and _be_, while still keeping Bella's virginity intact. Once we closed the door, we knew we would have to face the consequences of what we had done. It was too much to bear for the both of us, knowing that once we got off the plane, we would most likely be separated indefinitely. The weight amongst us was palpable and depressing…and my head hurt like a motherfucker as I hadn't cried so much in my entire fucking life. I was just spent. Emotionally and physically exhausted, torn apart by love and cruel twists of fate and unfair fuckery.

Oh, let's not forget about the pin filled voodoo doll. Yeah, that fucker was just about full.

We sat down in our first class seats with all the other people fleeing Vegas. There were a few business men, a couple of would-be showgirls and a loud and irritating hungover bachelor party. One of the bachelor party dudes spoke up and looked right at me when he said, "Looks like you two lost the shirts off your backs? Don't you guys know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em?"

I sighed, knowing that he thought he was being funny. "My buddy Kevin here, is getting married next week. What a crazy couple of days...booze...strippers. Man, I don't even remember going back to the hotel room last night."

Apparently he thought I gave a fuck.

He introduced himself as Cory. Cory here seemed to believe I wanted to have a conversation with him recalling everything he and his still drunk buddies did over the last forty eight hours. He proceeded to tell me how "fucked up this was" and how "fucked up that was." I tried my hardest to tune him out but he was a persistent fucker. As hard as I tried to look disinterested, he didn't get the fucking point.

He shook my arm. "Dude! Isn't that fucked up shit right there? Did you hear what I said, man?" Since I really hadn't heard what he had said nor did I give a fuck, I turned to him and spoke softly and slowly.

"No…Corey, is it? I didn't hear a word of it. I'm sorry. Do you want to know what my definition of fucked up is? Would you like to hear _my_ story? Well you see, it goes like this. See this beautiful girl sitting next to me? Well she's my girlfriend, fiancée…what ever the fuck you want to call it. We ran away to Vegas to get married so I could get out of a fucked up restraining order that my best friend slapped on me a year ago. I had to call my father whom I haven't spoken to in sixteen years to ask permission. Then my mother, whom I found out has been lying to me for most of my life, stopped the wedding because she likes to see me miserable, I guess. So now we are returning home to meet up with a group of pissed off parents, police escorts and oh…jail time. You see she's only sixteen and I have now, in the eyes of her ex- police chief father, kidnapped her. So your stories of beer bongs, blackjack, and lap dances, though very entertaining...really don't interest me right now."

"Sorry, Dude." I heard his quiet apology as he mumbled to himself that it was indeed fucked up.

The rest of the flight went rather smoothly. Bella dozed while I found myself lost in my own mind most of the time trying to remember the good parts of the last two days, the fucktastic blowjob being one of them. I had a feeling that those memories were going to have to get me through however long I would have to endure being without Bella.

There was a thought that kept entering and exiting my consciousness. If I wasn't in Bella's life, she wouldn't have these problems. She could stay in school in Forks with her friends, keep her relationship with her father civil, and be in a normal relationship with a normal guy doing normal things like kissing and holding hands in public and just fucking..._being normal._ Obviously getting married wasn't the solution, but maybe doing the exact opposite of that was. Maybe if I removed myself from her life completely….

"Hey, what are you thinking about," she said sleepily, rubbing her eyes as she sat up and stretched.

I sighed heavily. "Honestly? Thinking about going away…maybe stay with some relatives or something until I turn eighteen," I replied, looking up at her sheepishly, fearful of her reaction.

Her teeth gritted and she spat, "Don't you dare even think about that, Edward. I swear to God I will fucking…."

"Okay, okay, it was just a stupid thought," I huffed, holding my hands up in acquiescence. Who was I kidding anyway? It wasn't as though I really had anywhere to go. My grandparents resided right in the middle of Hell, and having no other relatives except my biological father who is embarrassed to let his own wife know I existed..the only other place I could go would be to the Denali's. Yeah...that would be well received.

As the captain came on and announced our impending landing, I watched Bella reach over and open the slider over our shared window. I reached out and stopped her. Not ready to yet face what was waiting for us when we exited the plane, I simply smiled at her and grabbed her hand, kissing her palm and held it over my heart as the plane taxied to a stop. The flight attendant announced that first class had been okayed to exit but we both sat, still and quiet. The remainder of the passengers exited while we waited. It was inevitable what was ahead of us, and I was fucking scared shitless of facing that.

With a deep breath and my head held high I grabbed Bella's hand, laid a passionate kiss on her lips and we stood simultaneously. She looked up at me and simply whispered, "Together," and we walked towards the terminal.

We were both shocked as shit to not find anyone waiting at the airport for us. I swore that Charlie would be there with his gun in one hand, handcuffs in another and an arrest warrant tucked under his arm, but there was no one to greet us. While that immediately came with immense relief, it also brought about more fear, not knowing what was inevitably waiting for us and when.

We made a quick stop at the store to get Bella a new cell battery, because she was afraid Charlie would hold the old one hostage or something, and she wanted to at least be able to text me. I ended up buying her two, just in case she needed a backup if her dad should take it again. It gave me some peace of mind, if nothing else.

I slipped my car into a spot in front of Maggie's building nervously, expecting to drop Bella off and say my final goodbye to her, but Charlie's truck and her Audi were nowhere to be found. Not having a key to the apartment, she rang the bell repeatedly, but when no one answered, I called Emmett.

"Hey Bro, you guys okay?" He was genuinely concerned and surprised to hear from me. Rosalie was in the background asking to speak to Bella.

I sighed. "Been better. Hey listen, can you do me a favor…are you home? Can you check out front to see if Charlie's truck is in his driveway?"

"Yeah, sure. You in Seattle?"

"Yeah, we're on our way home now."

"You have no fucking idea what went down here yesterday, E. Charlie was here for like four fucking hours. They were all fighting and shit, and then me and Jasper got involved because we couldn't stand for them to be talking shit about you, and then they all took a break and had dinner…and then the fighting started again. Let me tell you something about Charlie, Bro…that dude is one stubborn motherfucker, and he does not like you at all," he said, as his breathing grew heavy indicating that he was going down the stairs. "Uh…yeah, Charlie's truck and Bella's car are in the driveway. I'd be careful when you pass the house though. The fucker's probably gonna go all sniper on you and shit."

"Great, thanks," I replied sarcastically. I needed to hear that. "It was bad, huh?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah, you can't even imagine... Your ass is so grounded by the way. I heard mom and dad talking, and they are so fucking pissed. Charlie was threatening to have you arrested and they made some sort of arrangement that if the wedding was stopped, then Charlie would have the original pictures destroyed...nice going there, Bro. The picture of you and Tink was hot. You should frame that shit."

"Yeah, I'll do that," I snapped.

"Maggie got here later on and tried to convince Charlie that he should listen to all of us and I really think he was starting to come around you know? She's fucking hot by the way. You ever notice her tits? Me and Jazz were trying to figure out if they are real or not but I'm going with real because they fucking bounced…owww, shit." I heard a smack, which I assumed to have been Rosalie's hand across one of Emmett's body parts.

I rolled my eyes at my brother's inability to keep to the topic, extremely relieved that Charlie was going to have the pictures destroyed. "Em...fucking focus, man. He showed the pictures to Mom and Dad?" Bella glanced at me warily.

"Yeah, he had all sorts of shit on you. Mom and Dad are fucking furious that all that information on you was so easy to get and…well, lets just say this whole thing is a fucking mess and I wish you both a whole lotta luck. I am sorry that you didn't get married though. You really need to get laid."

"All right, thanks Em. Be home in a few hours. Let them know, okay?"

I sighed, letting Bella know what Em told me. The drive home was long and quiet save for the music coming from my iPod. We stopped in Sequim for something to eat, taking our time…stalling as neither of us had a clue when we would be able to eat out with each other again. I braced myself for the worse, yet hoped for the best, all the while remembering my shit luck and praying there was no room to stick any more pins in my fucking Voodoo doll. I couldn't stand the uncertainty of all of this.

Before the turnoff to our street, I pulled over to the side of the road and let the car idle in park. Bella turned in her seat to face me, as I did the same. I took her hand in mine, turning it, examining it, saying nothing. And then I kissed her, long and hard then soft and sweet and then I pulled away reluctantly, knowing that we were already later than we should have been. They were expecting us.

I took a deep breath, turned the corner, and pulled against the curb in front of Bella's house, too chicken shit to even park in the driveway. After I opened the trunk release, I got out, lifting her bags from the compartment and handing them to her gently. I was about to walk her to the front door, literally shaking in my shoes, when the door opened and Charlie stood in the entryway with his hands crossed over his chest indignantly.

_Please don't have a gun…_

Bella glanced at her father than at me and said, "I love you," sadly.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" I asked skeptically.

_Please say no, please say no…_

She snorted, replying, "I prefer my boyfriends not dead. I'll call you later if I can." With her head high, she made her way up to the front door, holding her bags and the wilting bouquet that served as a reminder of the wedding we never had. I knew for sure, Bella bringing the little souvenir home would be a thorn in Charlie's side, and truthfully, I was fucking glad. Charlie glared at me scornfully, but I just looked away, got back in the car and drove home, praying that Bella would be okay, regardless of where she was forced to spend the night...or the rest of her nights until she was eighteen.

I was surprised and relieved to find the house quiet when I walked through the front door, despite the fact that all of my family's cars were in the driveway. I don't know why the fuck I didn't just go up the back to the balcony, but I wasn't exactly in the best frame of mind, lost in thought over the past day, and Bella, and the fact that I was not dead or in jail…yet.

With my bags hung over my shoulder and my suit draped over my forearm. I clicked the front door shut with a cringe and started up the stairs. I had only made it up a few stairs when my mother's voice startled me.

"Edward?"

Frozen with my hand on the banister, I turned my head to acknowledge her, but didn't give her the courtesy of making eye contact.

"What?" I replied curtly.

"After you put your things away, would you come into the den? We need to talk about this."

"I'm really not in the mood for a big discussion, okay? You're actually the last person I want to talk to right now."

"Oh really? And why is…" Without even looking at her, I knew damn well she had her hands on her hips and her foot tapping on the floor.

I cut her off abruptly, turning to face her. "Why couldn't you have just let it go, Mom? Why did you have to call the fucking court? Everything would be perfect right now if you hadn't just kept your mouth shut. And on top of that...you've been lying to me all this time about Edward? What the hell, Ma?"

From the corner of my eye, I saw my father float into the room, leaning on the doorframe. My mother moved to the stair, gripping the railing so hard that I could see the tendons straining in her knuckles.

"Your father and I spent four goddamn hours defending you and our parenting skills to Charlie, just to get him to understand that you are not a criminal, and that you are actually safe for Bella to be around. We told him how Bella basically gave you your life back and how great she is for you and what a good influence you are on each other and then you disappear with no note or phone call, only to have gone to Vegas to get _married_?" Her voice lifted about ten octaves. I swear I could hear little dogs and like, chipmunks screeching in the woods.

"Edward...are you insane? What the hell were you thinking running off with a cop's daughter like that? Not only did you completely discredit yourself and us to him, but you are so lucky he didn't press charges against you!"

"Yeah, well it's his fucking fault that we had to run in the first place. He said she couldn't see me any more and that she had to move to Seattle or he was going to take the pictures to the police. I had no choice!" I yelled, using my free hand for emphasis. "If he would have just listened to his daughter and let her explain, maybe we wouldn't have had to go to such extreme measures."

"Well, you're grounded for taking off without telling anyone where you were going. I thought you'd at least learned your lesson when you stole the Porsche and drove to Manhattan, but I suppose not." She huffed, crossing her arms against her middle and narrowing her eyes at me. I chanced a glance at Carlisle who was still listening and leaning, but had his gaze averted to the floor.

"Speaking of Manhattan, you fucking lied to me about him, didn't you?" I shook my head in disdain. "You made him out to be this asshole that wanted nothing to do with me all these years when he really did want to be a part of my life. How could you lie to me like that, mom? I can't believe you betrayed me…I trust very few people in this world and I can't see how…" I looked away from her, shifting on my feet. She looked utterly taken back at my accusation. Carlisle glanced up at me and quietly turned, leaving the room. I wonder if it had hurt him knowing I was angry about being denied a relationship with my biological father. At that point, it didn't even matter, because he was just another person to add to my list of people that I'd wronged.

My mother's voice grew quiet. "Edward, he wanted nothing to do with you for seven years. I sent him pictures and updates on you regardless, just because he was your blood and I thought it was the right thing to do. When he finally asked me to let you be a part of his life, I just…I didn't trust him. I knew with all the money and power that his family had, I was scared to death that he would try to take you away from us. And those people were poison, and I didn't want you exposed to that world, sweetie. You were just a little boy, who knew nothing of this man or his life and neither did I. Was I supposed to send you to Manhattan to stay with a stranger? I couldn't do that to my baby. I told him that once you were of age that it would be your decision to form a relationship or not. I did what I thought was best for you at the time. You had a family with Carlisle and your brothers and that was all you needed."

"You lied." I turned curtly, taking the carpeted stairs up two at a time. Regardless of the fact that her reasoning seemed legit, I was still pissed at her for making me feel unwanted by him.

"Oh, _I_ lied?" she snapped, her tone stopping me at the top stair. "You're the ones going around professing your innocence and 'We don't touch each other Mom, and everyone is fucking but us, Mom,'" she mimicked me…quite poorly, I might add. "And now Charlie has pictures to prove it. You clearly have no sense of self preservation, Edward."

I shook my head, walking to my room, knowing she was fucking right and hating it.

"You're still grounded," she called after me. "Three weeks…you come home straight after school and your weekends are spent_ in_."

I suppressed the urge to give her the finger. Not that it even mattered, because without having Bella to hang with I didn't even have the desire to go out without her. I slammed the door, locking it behind me and threw my shit on the couch. I rifled through my bag, searching for the envelope of paperwork that needed to go back to their proper places in my drawer.

As I filed away the documents, I came across the picture of Bella and I kissing, and the sight of us together took my breath away. Em was right...it was a fucking hot picture and I should definitely have it framed. Though, it would have to wait until the sentence had run its course, because this photo was the key to me going away to jail.

With a click of the lock opening, I slid it into the back of my files, praying that the originals had been destroyed. I took the bottle of champagne that I'd taken from the hotel room, stashing it in the bottom of my closet, hoping that we would eventually be able to use it to celebrate something good, even if it wasn't our wedding night.

I was dying for a shower, but too exhausted and emotionally spent to even bother. I threw on sweats, curled underneath my covers and tried to sleep cuddled with Bella's tee shirt that I had swiped from the hotel room. It was covered in her scents and offered a small amount of comfort. If I closed my eyes, I could almost feel her next to me…almost.

God, Dr. Kate was going to have a fucking field day with this shit…I bet she'd have a big old seizure right at her desk with information overload.

I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable in my bed, to no avail. As always, my thoughts eventually trailed off to Bella, wondering what was going on between her and Charlie at the moment, and if she was okay and if we would ever be allowed to be together again.

It had been a few hours since we had gotten home, and the sky had darkened considerably with the gloom of the falling rain. Only once did anyone disturb me, but it was Jasper asking if I was coming down to dinner. I didn't answer him.

I had sent Bella a text which I was anxiously waiting reply to. I just wanted to know if she would be in school in Forks or Seattle tomorrow. Too anxious and fidgety to do anything else, I grabbed a cigarette and a lighter, heading outside. Bella's bedroom light was on, soft shadows moving across the window. She was putting her clothes away.

An involuntary smile feathered at the corners of my lips as I inhaled, thinking about the last few days… the crying and fear, my shitty proposal, Bella in her dress, the mind blowing oral sex…all the touching … God, the touching…

Four months ago, when I had sat in this very same spot watching this girl undress, this girl who had no identity other then _Charlie's daughter; _it had never even occurred to me that not only would I fall in love with her, but attempt to make her my wife at sixteen years old. It fucking amazed me that in such a short time, so much had happened.

Through the window, I watched as she hung the garment bag in her closet. An image of her in her sweet dress smiling at me at the courthouse flickered in my mind.

At that moment, I made a promise to myself that the next time she was wearing a white dress with flowers in her hair, it wouldn't be at some stupid Vegas courthouse. She would have the ring she deserved, the wedding she always wanted with bridesmaids and flowers and all that girly shit and when the ceremony was officially complete, she would be leaving as Mrs. Edward Cullen.

And no one…I mean fucking _no one_ would be stopping us.

**~%~**

**Thank you for reading.**


	30. Chapter 30 Resentment

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 30~ Resentment**

**Everything's so blurry  
And everyone's so fake  
And everybody's so empty  
And everything is so messed up  
Pre-occupied without you  
I cannot live at all  
My whole world surrounds you  
****I stumble then I crawl**

**You could be my someone**  
**You could be my scene**  
**You know that Ill protect you**  
**From all of the obscene**  
**I wonder what your doing**  
**Imagine where you are**  
**There's oceans in between us**  
**But that's not very far**

**Puddle of Mud~ Blurry**

**~Bella~**

I felt like I was being led into a firing squad.

Charlie held the door open for me with his forearm splayed against the glass. I ducked underneath with only an icy glare as an acknowledgement, brushing past him, careful to avoid hitting him with my mangled bouquet keepsake. He let out a little huff, staring at the flowers with an intensity that made me feel like he could set fire to them telepathically if he tried. I headed toward the staircase, not really even knowing what I should be doing or where I should be going or if I was even staying in Forks. However, at that point, I knew I needed to surrender my indignance to him, or he would be certain to make my life a living hell…even more so than it currently was.

Maggie gave me a warm smile from her seat on the couch, remote stilled in her hand with the volume of the television muted. I managed a small smile in return.

Charlie sighed, "Bella, sit please." He gestured to the dining room table. Inside, I wanted to protest, but I didn't have any fight left in me, so I threw my things down haphazardly and sat, dragging the chair loudly against the newly refurbished floors in the only immature act of defiance I could get away with. Maggie rose, pulling on her coat, mumbling something about running into town to get dinner for us. I knew she was using it as an excuse to give us privacy. She kissed us both on our foreheads, and left in Charlie's truck. I wished she had stayed, only because I knew how much of a buffer she was for Charlie and that her presence was simply a calming factor for him.

He was quiet for a moment, tapping his fingers on the table while I stared at my hands. I was expecting fury and steam to emit from his ears, but there was nothing...just a serene, yet slightly nervous façade. He gazed up at me, studying me for a long minute with his eyes narrowed, as though he were inspecting me for some sort of change.

_I'm still a virgin, Dad. Edward was the only one who got a Happy Ending last night._

He puffed up his cheeks with a great big inhaled breath and when he exhaled, his lips pursed.

"Your mother asked me for a divorce when you were eight. I convinced her to stay until you were older, so that you could understand better, and so that we wouldn't be entirely responsible for screwing up your childhood with our mess. She lasted another two miserable years, begged me to let her go, and then finally she handed me divorce papers and _told_ me she was leaving with you. I had to let her go, Bella, and you too, because as much as I wanted you to live here with me, I didn't know how to raise you on my own. Renee had done everything with you…_for_ you." He huffed slightly, evidently annoyed at the thought. Maybe he was regretful that he wasn't more hands on with me. I had never minded simply because I knew nothing else.

"My hours were erratic and once I had gotten promoted, I was always on call and I knew I couldn't leave an eleven year old unaccompanied in the house…so I let her take you with her. Bella, I never expected you to come back permanently. And with a just weeks notice, suddenly you were here…my little girl turned into this…woman…and I thought, from what your mom said, that you would be okay being alone so much. I have a thriving business that I couldn't just abandon and Renee assured me that you would be fine mostly on your own."

I glared at him with gritted teeth clenching my fists under the table. "I_ am_ fine. I've been fine since I was eleven making myself three meals a day and making sure I got myself to school on time and that the groceries were picked up and the laundry was folded and the toilets were scrubbed and my homework was done," I snapped.

"There were times when mom was working three jobs just to pay the rent and to make ends meet, so that I could take stupid gymnastics and ballet and skating lessons, because she refused to ask you or anyone else for help and she didn't dare deny me the things I would have had if we were still living here, even though I strongly protested. I haven't had anyone tell me what to do in like five years, Dad. Mom and I are more friends than mother and daughter, and I've been taking care of myself for years. Not once did anyone ask me what I wanted to do when you got divorced. No one even took into consideration where I wanted to live and what I wanted to do. And every time mom was done with her current boyfriend of the month, and every time she got bored with her job, we'd pack up and move onto something "bigger and better." I made air quotes for that statement, because it was never bigger or better. Same shit, different state.

The mention of my mother's incorrigible variety of boyfriends during the years that we were gone unnerved him. Part of me was glad it struck a cord, the other part felt guilty for confirming aloud what he had always denied.

"I had to leave so much behind just because of her flightiness and endless desire to go fulfill her dreams." I rolled my eyes, because my mother literally changed careers and said dreams once every few weeks. Sometimes it felt as though I had more sense in junior high than she had when she was thirty years old.

"I never complained. I said goodbye to the friends I had made and the pets I couldn't take with me…and I never said a word, because she had it hard enough. And then I come here, and for the first time in five years I feel safe and secure because this is my home even though you changed every single part of what made it that. And… you basically ignore me for four months, which…I get, Dad. I totally understand that your job is in Seattle and so is Maggie and that's fine, I swear to you, I am fine with that and I never expected you to drop everything to be here for me when your life is somewhere else. But you expect me to just willingly abandon my only friends, and my boyfriend to go live in another city when I clearly belong right here. You can't all of a sudden decide to be my father and take away all my rights and all my decisions just because you believe that you know what's best for me. Trust me. You _don't_." I glared at him scornfully before looking away.

His gaze darted down uncomfortably before lifting right into my own, his eyes softening considerably. "You're right. I don't really know how to do this, Bella. Everyone is telling me I am wrong for how I handled this situation, jumping the gun and not letting you explain fully. I may have overreacted in judging him, but it's the cop and the father in me battling to do the right thing by you. I understand that you are scared and that you think you love him, but…"

_Oh, fuck you._

I chuckled darkly. "No…I _know_ I love him. There is no doubt in my mind, and don't you dare chalk this up to our ages and being so young. What I feel is…so immense and genuine, and absolutely terrifying but beautiful at the same time. And you are such a hypocrite saying that to me when you were in the same position I was at the same age with Mom."

His eyes narrowed at me as his head cocked to the side with a mocking smile on his mouth. "Yeah, and look at how great that turned out. She resented me because I tied her down in a small town with a small town life and all her dreams were shattered. I had dreams too, Bella. I had to turn down my acceptance into law school and take the next best thing- a goddamn low paying shit gig as a small town cop. You have no idea how much we struggled to make things work and I lived with the fact that nothing I did was ever enough for your mother. And don't get me wrong, we both loved you and _wanted _you but having you so young was hard. I can't allow you to be in that situation and I can not watch you struggle and lose your future for a _boy,_ regardless of the fact that he has a serious history. Bella… Didn't you think you should have told me about Edward's situation? I mean, did you both think I wouldn't find out?"

"Honestly? No, we didn't think you'd ever find out and I never thought it was necessary to inform you, simply because he's innocent. Besides, look at how you reacted. If I had told you upfront, you would have done the same thing." I raised a knowing eyebrow. I never had even considered telling him to tell the truth. I wondered briefly if the Esme and Carlisle had thought about it divulging the information to him at some point.

"And Dad…this losing my future for a boy nonsense? I'm not having sex with him, so the chance of me getting pregnant is like, slim to none. And I wouldn't be that stupid to get pregnant at sixteen even if we were doing…_it_." My cheeks were flushed with heat.

He let out this like, sort of huffing growly sound at the mention of me having sex with Edward. "Well, bottom line is this…You are smoking cigarettes, and breaking the law by violating Edward's restraining order. You disobeyed me, and you left the state without leaving any kind of note as to where you were going. I was frantic about that looking for you. If Esme hadn't gotten in touch with Edward's biological father… "

I rolled my eyes and muttered quietly, "You took my cell battery, Dad. It's not like I could call you."

My father shook his head and sighed, scratching his chin in annoyance. "I can't allow any of that to go unpunished. You have no rules, no restrictions, no curfew, no supervision. That ends now. I haven't been parenting you properly, and you clearly are on the path to being out of control. And I refuse to allow you to go there."

Once again, I rolled my eyes. Was he fucking kidding me?

"Dad, I am not out of control. So I smoke a cigarette once in a while. It's not a crime."

He cocked a holier than thou eyebrow. "It is if you are under eighteen. I am curious as to how you are acquiring the cigarettes in the first place. And it's a proven fact that smoking leads to drinking and marijuana use and then eventually to hard drugs. This is not the path you are going to take under my care, you hear me? And well, since Edward has a history with street drugs, I am very hesitant to…"

_Oh for the love of God…how the hell did he even find that out?_

I cut him off with a smack of my hand on the table. "Dad, he doesn't do street drugs, okay?" I snapped, wondering idly if weed was considered a street drug. If my father even knew I was smoking pot he'd send me straight to St. Mary's convent in Spokane. "Just lay off the kid…jeez. Will you please cut to the chase here? Are you forcing me to move to Seattle or what?"

I was semi impressed at how he was able to keep his voice so even when I was ready to hit him. "I may have jumped the gun a bit on moving you to Seattle immediately. I have been considering selling the house and making a permanent residence in the city for some time… but with the real estate market the way it is…as of right now, you can stay here until the house sells. You are grounded though. You have to come home straight after school, you'll use your car to get to and from school and work only. And weekends… you'll come to Seattle with me and Maggie. I am going to take some time off of work to be here at home with you…"

I shook my head, infuriated, but too stupid to realize that this was so much better than what had transpired the other day. "This is such bullshit. How long is this ridiculous punishment going to last?"

"Indefinitely. And watch your language. I won't tolerate that from you, you hear me?"

_Fuck you._

"Am I still banned from seeing Edward?" I cringed without him seeing, bracing myself for his answer.

"I can't control what you do in school, but like I said, after school and weekends are spent in this house and with me. You can drive yourself to school from now on too. Though Esme and Carlisle did a pretty good job defending that kid and it's really unfortunate what happened to him, to be very honest, I don't trust him. Not after he convinced you to run away with him to get married, who knows what else he'll do. And don't push the issue, because you're lucky you're getting this much from me. Keep in mind I can monitor your emails and your texts too."

_Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you._

I sighed, sitting up from the slump in my chair, muttering what a dickhead for a father I had and how unfucking fair this shit was. The fact that he did not answer my question directly did not go unnoticed. He hadn't actually said I couldn't see Edward, nor did he apologize for saying those terrible things about him. But since he was keeping me imprisoned, that effectively prevented me for having any excessive recreational contact with my boyfriend.

Nice loophole, Dad.

"Are we done?" I glared at him scornfully with narrowed eyes. Before he could answer, I grabbed my stuff and made my way up the stairs. I paused, turning, noticing that he was still in the same spot at the table, only he had his head in his hand.

"What about the pictures?"

"Oh, uh…I asked Max to destroy the originals and any copies that were made before he sent them back to the client. That was a favor to Esme and Carlisle. Don't let there be any more incidences of violating the restraining order Bella because if I find out…"

_Oh, Fuck you sideways and upside down with an ice pick up your ass._

Wholly relieved yet irritated beyond comprehension, I rolled my eyes at his threats and turned, sprinting up the stairs before he could sprout into another fucking useless lecture about what I already knew. My intention was to call Edward just to let him know that I wasn't being forced to move to Seattle and that the pictures would be destroyed, because I knew he would be stressing over that big time. He was probably locked inside his mother's kitchen pantry organizing soup cans alphabetically at the moment, just to calm himself down.

After about ten minutes of throwing the contents of my bag around the room haphazardly, I gave up looking for the phone that was likely in E's car. I took a long shower, futilely trying to wash the day off of me while resisting the urge to bawl my eyes out over the stupid punishments I was getting. The only time I could see Edward was in school and my weekends would be spent under house arrest in Seattle. Nice social life there, Bells.

However, that outcome was a hell of a lot better than moving to Seattle and never speaking to him again, so I suppose I should have been grateful.

_Fuck you very much, Dad._

**~%~**

That next morning was sheer agony waiting to see Edward. Since Christmas break, Jasper had been driving Alice in the mornings, and Edward had taken to picking me up a little early each day. Usually we would go get breakfast at the coffee house before homeroom, just to spend a little bit of extra time together. But since that had been abruptly ended for us, I drove myself alone, feeling anxious and somber and worn out between the past few days and the exhausting, emotionally charged two hour phone call to my mom the night before. It had been pouring all morning, the sky dark gray as my mood, which forced everyone to head straight to homeroom instead of loitering out in the parking lot.

Edward met me outside after second period Spanish, immediately handing me my phone. I actually got teary eyed when he smiled at me so sadly, pulling his hand back and tucking it into his pocket as to not reach out to me. The urge to hug him was completely and absolutely crushing. I just wanted to feel him next to me and his mouth on mine and his arms wrapping my body in the strength and warmth of his embrace. His expression, pained and solemn, told me he clearly felt the same. In the hallway, Edward and Emmett bumped fists which I thought was so cute and Em gave my shoulder an affectionate squeeze as he departed to his next class. I wished he was my brother sometimes…well, without all the farting and stuff.

E and I had chatted online for a while last night, going through the run down of our respective groundings and post non- wedding in Vegas conversations with our parents. As shitty and selfish as it was, I felt a little better knowing that Edward was in the same boat as me as far as the punishment went. It wasn't that I wanted him to be in trouble, but it was nice to know he would be in on the weekends too, and that at least we could text or instant message each other or whatever. I think he felt some relief in that as well, knowing he wasn't alone. However, he only had three weeks, whereas Charlie dubbed my sentence as indefinite.

_Prick._

We did celebrate the fact that Charlie seemed much more accepting of Edward due to his family's convincing, and that I was able to stay in Forks for at least until the house was sold. I had been busy concocting plans to thwart that from ever happening, though.

We said goodbye at my class, with Edward having only a minute to get across the building in time for his own class, and he was all stressed and anal about being late. His internal struggle was evident as his body jerked forward slightly, almost having to force himself back from kissing me. I sighed, giving him a very sad smile, anticipating seeing him in English and then to actually be near him in lunch.

The day dragged immensely. Rose, Alice and Angela practically assaulted me at our lunch table while the boys were off getting food. I thought Alice's head was going to implode when I informed her that I had actual pictures of the almost wedding. They all wanted to know if we had sex, but when I told them I had my period, thinking that would instantly halt the topic to a standstill, the three of them stated unanimously, "Uh so? A little blood never stopped Emmett/ Jasper /Ben." I rolled my eyes at them. They obviously had no idea what Edward was like. The boy couldn't eve say the word, never mind touch me down there with it.

Regardless of my reluctance to kiss and tell, the barrage of questions kept coming. Rose had just asked, "Well okay, so no sex but did you at least give the boy a blowjob?" But before I could answer, Angela gave us the _Oh my god, shut up they're coming_ eyes then they finally quit talking, not wanting to continue in front of Edward. I had to ask them to turn it down repeatedly, because I didn't want anyone else to know we had tried to get married at sixteen...I mean, Edward was getting enough shit from his peers, he didn't need this on top of the other rumors. Those idiots would probably all think I was pregnant and though there were worse rumors that could be floating around about me, getting knocked up by Edward Cullen was something that could land him into a shitheap of legal trouble.

Edward and I faced each other while we ate, whispering soft words, effectively shutting out the world and our chatty friends while we stayed safe in our little bubble for thirty minutes. I craved his touch and often found my fingers twitching to just clasp his hand or run my thumb along his cheekbone affectionately. It was harder than I had imagined now that we had been so free with each other, to go back to absolute nothing. He was having just as hard of a time with it. He had his hands clenched tightly into fists as a reminder of sorts to keep them to himself. I could hear the want and ache in his in his words and in the sad gleam in his eyes and see it in his irritability and lack of appetite. He had hardly touched a thing on his tray.

We walked to Bio together, and once seated in class, we spent the period writing stupid notes back and forth on my hamburger pad trying to not get caught. After what we had been through, the whole thing seemed so very juvenile yet both of us tried our best to mask our irritation and frustration with our circumstances now worsened by the addition of our parents' control.

Our cooking class was our saving grace, though. Mrs. Miller used the first ten minutes to give instructions and a brief lecture and then the rest of the period was spent in our kitchen stations. Edward would set everything up quickly before he would allow us to begin cooking and I found it adorable that he was so willing and eager to learn. He asked constant questions about how to do things, his vulnerability shining through. I couldn't lie…I loved teaching him and I relished in the fact that I was good at something he wasn't and that when we cooked together, I was the dominant one in the relationship. It seemed to equal the score a bit on the grand scale of things, and my irrational insecurities needed that. However, I knew just from Edward's personality, and what I understood of him from before the incident with Charlotte, that if he set out to be great in the kitchen or anywhere else, he most certainly would be. And that was what I loved about him.

After cooking, we headed down to the gym together, parting sadly at the locker room doors. Since the new semester had started, the gym teachers made us play basketball, which wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't so short, unatheletic and actually gave a shit. Edward was very focused, almost as though he was able to get lost inside the game for forty minutes.

I watched him reverently from across the gymnasium, his reflection gleaming in the shiny floors. He was aggressive and cursing, playing rougher than one generally should during Phys Ed. He and Mike Newton at one point, were in each other's faces swearing and yelling at each other, causing the whole gym to stop what they were doing to watch the almost fist fight. The coach blew his whistle, pointing for Edward to sit out before it came to blows. He moped off to the bleachers, slumping over with his hands clasped between his bouncing knee.

When I met his gaze from across the gym, he just looked away, scrubbing the back of his neck tensely. Then he got up and disappeared through the locker room doors, smacking the door loudly as he walked through.

Once the period was through, I met him outside by his car, where he was smoking a cigarette while leaning against his trunk. His hair was damp and wiry from the locker room shower and his expression reeked of annoyance. Jasper was walking away muttering, as evidently the two of them had just finished arguing. Edward gave Jasper the finger and yelled, "Oh fuck off!"

He was just…angry at the world and not hiding it. Edward apologized to me, though I questioned why because he didn't offend me personally. He said that during the basketball game, Mike called him "a pussy who couldn't get laid" and it rubbed him the wrong way. I calmed him down with soothing, reassuring words, and promises to do ridiculously depraved things to his peen in the not so near future. He closed his eyes with a groan, throwing his head back as he faced the sky in frustration. When he looked back at me, his eyes gleamed with want. I had effectively made things worse for him.

And then as the parking lot cleared out leaving us virtually alone, we both knew we had to say our goodbyes before our parents sent out search parties for us.

With gritted teeth, Edward whispered, "I love you so fucking much, it hurts." He touched his hand to his heart and seethed, "This is fucking killing me." Then he got into his car, slamming the door and peeled off as I stood watching the rear lights fade onto the highway.

The weekend was going to be long.

When I got home, I deliberately slammed the front door as I walked past Charlie, completely ignoring him. He told me he wanted to get on the road by three, which gave me fifteen minutes to pack a bag. I threw some clothes into my duffel at random, not giving a shit really, and followed him to Seattle at the goddamn speed limit which annoyed the piss out of me so much I wanted to put my fist through the windshield. It was then I understood Edward's hostility during gym and his departure from the lot. Everything in our lives was being micromanaged to the point of suffocation and it sucked.

I spent the weekend holed up in Maggie's guest bedroom, only emerging for sustenance and to use the bathroom, effectively ignoring my father when he was around …which was very little because he was catching up on the work he missed while hovering over me in Forks. Maggie kept trying to get me to hang out with her, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk about my father and his well meaning intentions, knowing the topic was guaranteed to arise at some point.

So I studied, immersed myself in Romeo and Juliet, and surfed aimlessly on the internet while Edward had gone out with his family to dinner and wasn't around to Instant Message. I uploaded our "wedding" pics into my laptop, playing around with some graphics programs until it made me too depressed to look at them anymore. I was bored out of my fucking gourd.

I tried to remember back to what I had done when I was living in California during my banishment from high school society. I had spent a lot of time with my mom, doing outdoorsy things like going to the beach, shopping trips on the pier, and swimming in our pool. Somehow, it didn't seem so lonely as it was currently. And I suppose the biggest factor in the feeling of solitude was that I didn't have my Edward or anything close to an Alice or Rose or Angela, or even Jasper or Emmett while I lived there. These people were my friends and I missed them.

On Sunday, I packed up my stuff and left at noon, heading to Port Angeles to work. I was surprised, and a little excited to see that Jacob was there, just helping Billy out at the store. His smile was infectious, and it felt good to give a genuine grin after what seemed like so long. As nice as it was to have his company for a brief minute, it was temporary and fleeting.

For once, I was thankful for the giant smelly costume head that would mask my angst and ire. I put on a good show, hamming it up while grumbling how much I hated those kids under my disguise. I walked out of there with over two hundred dollars in my hand and a stolen goodie bag to boot, so all in all it hadn't been a waste of a day. I just missed Edward's company so much and not for a second did my thoughts deter from him.

When I got home, Charlie was already there with Maggie cooking something Italian in the kitchen. It smelled amazing and I was completely starved, but in an attempt to exclaim my defiance towards my parental figures in my life, I refused dinner and remained in my room hungry for the rest of the night. Only later, when they had locked themselves in my father's bedroom to do God (ewww) knows what, did I come out, grab a quick and cold bite of leftovers. Maggie's cooking was awesome, and it made me sad and guilty that I was eating and really enjoying her food. Even cold, it was better than anything my mother could make.

I missed my mom. She was desperate for me to come home to visit her. Regardless of my constant reassurance that I was staying in Forks, she was pretty convinced that I was coming home to live with her for the summer. With Edward here, that was not going to happen. Surprisingly, she had been very supportive of my relationship with Edward, and she over looked and listened to my side of the story with Edward's legal situation, offering legitimate sympathy for him and me as well. That was one of the many things that made my parent's marriage fail. They were such passionately different people.

That aside, she was not at all thrilled about the idea of me being married to him, particularly when I hadn't yet slept with him.

My mother, having had all of her wild oat sewing opportunities retracted from her because of her high school pregnancy, felt that I should have as many experiences as possible... that included sexual experiences. She once told me that she wanted me to live with a man for at least two years before I even considered becoming engaged, and that I should have lots of sex with different people because as a woman, I had the right and responsibility to myself to explore my body and the things my body needed sexually. And she also said, "Bella, men think with their dicks, " and "use a condom no matter what the guy tries to tell you."

That was pretty much the extent of my birds and the bees talk at eleven years old. It was astounding that I had managed to remain a virgin this long.

**~%~**

The following week was pretty much the same as was the week after that. Tuesdays were the worst though for Edward. He was more fidgety and irritable than usual, a reaction to having to go to therapy. He apologized constantly for snapping at me, but the dark circles under his eyes, and constant yawning told me his tetchiness was a direct result of lack of sleep. I asked him why he was having such a hard time sleeping at night, and he said simply that he woke up often, not from nightmares or anything. This whole situation with me and the pictures and not touching again had him so anxious that by the time he fell asleep, it was past midnight and he often woke several times a night for no reason, before having to wake up at six am for school. When I asked why he wasn't taking a Xanax before bed, he said that he was, and it wasn't helping at all. I wondered if his body had become immune to their effects.

I felt so completely helpless not having a clue what to do for him and not knowing the words that would soothe him.

"I love you," just didn't seem to cut it.

Often when I found him staring off into space, daydreaming about nothing, I wondered if he was still contemplating leaving me. I knew it was a solution that would hurt us both terribly, but Edward seemed so disconnected from everything lately, that I thought maybe I would wake up and find him gone with no explanation. The thought haunted me.

About three weeks into my indefinite grounding, I came home to find Charlie outside standing on the lawn with a blonde lady dressed in business clothes. He was assisting her with pounding a wooden frame into the ground for a fucking for sale sign. As I stepped out of the car tossing my bag over my shoulder, I gave my father, the offending sign and the real estate agent along hard stare dripping with malice.

He was really fucking doing this. He hadn't listened to a word I had said about this being the only place I called home and anything I said about having to make friends over and over or about having all of the decisions made for me by my parents. If I had thought I could hate him anymore, it just turned tenfold. My father waved, as though I should skip right over to him with a fucking red balloon in my hand or something and beam at the sign.

Unfortunately, they both walked over to me before I could duck out. "Lucy, this is my daughter, Bella. She'll be here most of the time, so you'll probably be speaking to her when you need to show the house."

With narrowed eyes, I glared at her open mouthed as she held her hand out to me. Bitch.

The thought briefly flickered in my mind to spit in her proffered hand, or to take it and do some cool karate jujitsu tsunami move that would twist her up and land her on her back like a fucked up bug, rendering any future showings of the house strictly from her wheel chair. And since the house had several staircases that would be near impossible….

But Charlie glowered at me in a clear warning to be polite, so I held out my hand, giving her a wet noodle handshake before looking away petulantly.

"I'll be showing the house sometimes at a moment's notice, so it would be helpful if it was tidy and your room was clean at any given time. The market isn't great right now, so any prospective buyers are to be taken seriously and accommodated immediately." She flashed a huge, winning smile at me. I wanted to punch her in the jugular.

_Yeah, go fuck yourself sales bitch. Because my house is a fucking sty?_

"Oh and we'll be having an open house this Saturday, so you may want to make yourself scarce. Buyers don't generally appreciate the homeowners being present. It makes them a bit uncomfortable."

"So I can't even stay in my own home for this thing? Well, since I'm grounded until I am eligible for Social Security, unfortunately, I'll be here. Unless… I could always go to Edward's." I chanced a glance at my father who was scowling and shaking his head, admonishing my request. I replied coldly, "I have a ton of homework." I didn't wait for permission to be excused before I walked off without any exiting words to either of them.

"I'll look forward to speaking with you!" she called out in her fake voice.

_Yeah, look forward to having a fucking heart to heart with my voicemail, bitch._

That Friday night, having nothing else to do with my time, I straightened up the already immaculate house, and set out to make dinner for the first time in weeks. Since I had so much free time, I had been watching the most ridiculous television shows just for some company as I still hadn't said a word to Charlie in three weeks save for the night I had come home from Vegas and we had the big talk. I was quite proud of myself for being able to last so long. As I was skipping through the channels, I came upon a the Home and Garden Network that happened to be giving tips on how to sell your house in a shitty market. I took those tips and used them to my advantage.

So putting my plan into action, I purposely chose flounder, which had been wrapped up in the freezer, having been caught by my father sometime in the fall. Remembering from when I was a kid, flounder had a distinctly potent fishy odor when fried, so I cooked that bad boy up and threw on a big old pot steamed broccoli for added offense. Later on, I made sure I plugged in some super stinky floral air fresheners into the sockets, creating a muddle of disgustingness for the olfactory senses. It may not have been the best plan, but it was what I could come up with on such short notice and with what I had on hand.

Before heading up to bed, I replied to a text from Edward telling me he was going to go all fifth wheel and hang out with his brothers and their girls even though the idea of it made him want to vomit. It made me sad and definitely a little jealous, but I had encouraged him to get out, go get high or drunk, or whatever, just so that he would feel a little better. It didn't seem like he wanted to go at all, but I knew he needed to enjoy some freedom he had just gotten back. Whatever helped... I would deal with it.

Okay, so not really. As the night wore on, I grew increasingly angry at my father who was downstairs on the couch with Maggie laughing his ass off as they watched _The Hangover _all snuggly and shit on the couch. Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore and the resentment got to be too much, I stormed down the stairs yelling with my hands on my hips.

"You know, you keep me locked up in this shitty house for almost a month, my friends are all out having a great time and you two sit here and rub the fact that I am not allowed to see my boyfriend right in my face?"

They both just looked at me blankly.

"Dad, can I please go out for like…an hour. Just to get some fresh air or something?"

He looked at Maggie who smiled encouragingly.

"No."

"No?" I asked incredulously. Maggie scowled.

"No."

I stomped up the stairs petulantly, yelling, "I_ hate_ you!"

He responded quietly, "I know you do, Bella."

That next morning, after I showered and dressed, the doorbell rang. It was that stupid Lucy real estate bitch from hell with her arms filled with a tray of pretentiously wrapped sandwiches and brightly colored balloons for the dumb sidewalk sign. I gave her a big fake smile and then dirty look as I turned away, quietly letting her into the foyer as she wrinkled up her nose in disgust. Yes, it was very, very stinky at the Swans.

She ignored my contemptuous glares, placing the tray of food on the dining room table along with paper goods alongside a whole bunch of glossy brochures highlighting the features of my house. I looked it over laughing aloud as I read the overly emphasizing wording.

_**Quaint completely updated four bedroom, three bath home on lush property overlooking natural woodland preserve. Priced to sell!**_

_Fuck you._

She skirted around the house, making sure everything was to her satisfaction before her throngs of guests arrived. Once she left the room in search of some heavy duty air freshener, (which I had stealthily hidden in the basement) I eyed the sandwich tray. When the front door shut as the stupid lady went outside with her stupid balloon, I swiped a wrap, sneaking upstairs. I returned later after my father came home to grab some water from the fridge, promptly reminded that the sandwiches were for the buyers.

_Fuck you bitch._

Edward called just after noon, sounding tired and massively hungover. They had planned to go see a movie last night, but ended up changing plans at the last minute when they got word one of the football players was throwing an impromptu party. The feelings of anger and jealously roiled inside of me, but I masked it simply by asking if he had a good time. He said it was okay and that he had missed me terribly, which I knew to be true. I quickly changed the subject, still fuming at my father's injustice.

I could hear the people chattering downstairs, footsteps heavy on the wooden floors and stupid real estate bitch's bitchy voice bellowing throughout the first floor. The house still stunk like a hot unwashed butt, though my nose had become oddly accustomed to it. The prospective homebuyers, however, were repulsed.

I smiled inwardly, leaning against the wall, being very not "scarce" as stupid lady had requested. Grabbing a black Sharpie and the stack of brochures, I skillfully added some curves to the three in the asking price, making it appear as though we were asking $850.000, which was grossly overpriced. I heard a few people actually turn away without looking when they saw that. I mentally patted myself on the back for the idea.

When the family with the young, impressionable teenage daughter came in all excited about the house, I casually made mention of the places of interest in the neighborhood.

"There are three hot sixteen and seventeen year old boys just down the house there." I pointed to the Cullen's. "They are incredibly horny, but so much fun." The girl's face lit up. Her parents couldn't get out of the house faster.

Then there was the young couple, ready to start a family. So I made mention of the hot doctor that lived in the Cullen's house, and the portly, insecure husband suddenly lost all interest in looking any further than the living room window which faced said doctor's house.

I was at a loss as to what to say when the family with the little girl came in eagerly scanning the rooms with their hopeful eyes. Honestly, it was a great place to raise a family and a great house with great land and great tree house out back. So I lied.

"There's a teenage girl named Alice across the street who is great with kids. I'm sure she'd love to baby sit. She likes to shoplift and has a small problem with foul language, but other than that, she's awesome." I don't know how much of a deterrent that was, but I had to give myself credit for the effort.

Eventually, I grew bored and went outside for some fresh air and a possible glimpse of Edward. A little boy, with wild red hair and a very toothless grin told me he liked my bunnies. I cocked my head to the side, wondering what the hell he was talking about, when he pointed to the lattice under the front porch. Soon, he and I were on our knees, peering through the wooden slats. Sure enough there was a family of rabbits inhabiting the space, soft brown and very tiny. They were newborns; four of them that I could see.

I brought out some carrots and let the red headed kid feed the bunnies by tossing the pieces through the slats. The bunnies scampered to the very back where it was dark, and the little boy was disappointed when he could no longer see them. So was I.

One of the babies suddenly shot out from the other side, staring straight at us. He wiggled his little nose, as redheaded kid and I froze in a giggle fit, stuck in our crouching positions, waiting for the bunny to make his next move. As sad as it was, it had been the most exciting thing that happened in weeks, and it was the first time I had felt an actual smile on my face. I caught myself and promptly stopped, fearing that my father would somehow hear my small taste of joy and rush to stop it from happening again.

It made me infinitely sadder that it hadn't been Edward that had put the smile there.

By the end of the day, the stupid real estate lady said that there was only one solid offer on the house but it was substantially lower than what was being asked. My father was adamant about sticking to the asking price, which for once, I was glad he was such a rigid hard ass.

**~%~**

The following week was tougher than normal. It was Valentine's Day that Sunday, and the school was having a fundraiser dance on the Friday evening before. Angela had mentioned helping her sell tickets and something about an upcoming bake sale and a talent show or some shit that I didn't pay much attention to, but that I hadn't realized that I agreed to assist with just to shut her the hell up.

Edward, even though he had been released from his grounding and was essentially free, was so forlorn and dismal, there was nothing I could do or say to get him out of his funk. It crossed my mind to sneak out to his car to make out or give him another blow job or whatever I could do to make him happy, but I knew he wouldn't take up my offer, for fear of getting caught. Every time I asked him to talk to me about it, he just told me that he was depressed.

Evidently, in addition to not sleeping or eating well, he wasn't speaking to his mom which had his parents in discord. His biological father had called twice urging him to come to New York to meet his half sister, Kimberly. On top of it all, he said that Jazz and Em always had Rose and Alice over the house, so it made it difficult to leave his room without having unwanted displays of affection thrown in his face all the time. He was also struggling with the idea of playing baseball for the Forks high team, even though he had begun running with Emmett in the afternoons as a distraction and possible training should he decide to join the team.

"And… all I want to do is touch you, beautiful. I fucking miss you so much," he said, immense pain in his words and behind his eyes. I almost thought I could see them tear up. It was obvious that he was losing his resolve to stay strong. I didn't know how to help him get any of that strength back, or how to help him hold onto whatever little he had left.

Thursday of that week, I got home from Yearbook late, happy when I found an empty house. Charlie had been leaving for Seattle late in the evenings after he knew I was in bed, and coming home within an hour or so after I got home from school. The trips were wearing on him and I was truly hoping it wouldn't last too much longer. He had to be losing money. I actually overheard him on the phone one day regretfully turning down a lucrative referral knowing he wouldn't be able to take the client while he was babysitting me in Forks.

At that point, I could have been a really good daughter and just caved, hauling my shit to Seattle so that my dad could have his life back. But I was sixteen, and I felt that I should never have been put into this situation to begin with. There was no way that I should have been expected to be made to feel guilty for not wanting to accommodate him after he fucked up my life.

I changed into comfy clothing and began to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup, but it made me so sad because I knew Edward loved it and it was what I made the first time I saw his peen. It struck me as odd, the things I remembered in conjunction with Edward's nakedness.

I groaned and cursed under my breath when I heard Charlie's car pull into the driveway, because pissed off or not, I would be obligated to offer him some food, which I most certainly did not want to make for him. I didn't feel like being around him either. Over the crackling butter in the grill pan, I heard Charlie unloading stuff from his truck onto the front porch. I took a quick glance out the window, hoping to get the cheese melted and my ass upstairs into hiding before he finished unloading when I saw Edward walking down the street. He hand his hands stuffed into his navy pea coat pockets, looking all sheepish and hot as hell. I was horrified. What the fuck was he doing?

I sent him a frantic text message:

_**What the hell R U doing?**_

Peeking outside again, I watched E pull his phone from his rear jean pocket, shake his head at the screen with a tiny twitch of a smile and shove it back there without a reply. He walked right up to my dad, and held out his hand.

I gasped.

My father stared at his proffered hand a minute, completely disregarding the peace offering to turn back to his truck, which I thought was terribly hurtful and rude. Between the crackling pan and the way my heart was pounding unbelievably loudly in my ears, I couldn't hear what he was saying to Charlie. My boy had some set of balls that was for sure. I didn't know whether to be proud and pat him on the back, or just smack him for being so stupid. After moving the pan off the burner, as discreetly as I could, I pressed my ear to the window, wanting to hear the conversation that was underway. However, I couldn't decipher a word of what they were saying.

Edward looked completely dejected, but awkwardly retracted his hand, running it through his hair. He was clearly terrified, because he wouldn't risk ruining that perfect coif unless he was a nervous mess.

Biting my nails with anxiety, I watched them talk for a minute, Edward keeping his hands stuffed in his coat pockets. He looked pale and tired, more so than I had ever seen him. Charlie finally paused to look at Edward's face, but he was facing away from me so I wasn't able to see his expression. I couldn't imagine it was a smile. Then, I heard Charlie's voice raise in anger which caused Edward to flinch. I moved to the front door, opening it with force. Edward's eyes met mine briefly, but did not linger. He nodded solemnly, walking off with his head hung in dejection.

Charlie came in just after, not making eye contact with me, as he placed his surveillance equipment in the foyer.

"What was that about?"

"Oh, so you're speaking to me now?" he asked with an amused chuckle, placing his bag on the floor.

"No," I replied acidly, turning with a huff toward the kitchen and inwardly cursing myself for the lack of impulse control regarding anything having to do with Edward Cullen..

"He asked my permission to take you out on Friday for some Valentine's Day dance and then dinner or something afterward," he mumbled. I froze in place, my heart thumping madly. I had no idea Edward wanted to take me to the dance. It was beyond sweet.

In a barely audible whisper I asked, "And?"

"I told him _no_, that you are still grounded," he said casually, as though Edward had simply asked him for the time.

"Thanks a lot, Dad," I said in a choked whisper. Hearing the word _no_ hurt like hell. I mean, you would have thought that since Edward had the gumption and the courtesy to come over and ask his permission, that my father would relent just a little. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and quickly fell. I took my sandwich from the kitchen, passing my father just before I climbed the stairs to hide in my room. I had never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day before, and though I was trying to ignore all the hype and consumerism and fucking Alice screeching about it twenty five times a day, it hurt knowing that I couldn't celebrate the occasion with the boy I was madly in love with.

I called Edward later on, and he gave me a basic rundown on what had happened. He asked, my father said no, and Edward said something regarding the fact that I hadn't smiled in weeks, but Charlie didn't give a shit. I spent the rest of the evening sulking while making Edward a card and wrapping the shirt and bottle of cologne I had purchased online.

The next day in English while we assigned quiet reading time, Edward suddenly rose with his bag over his arm and handed the teacher a pink early dismissal pass. I looked up at him, wondering what that was about and a little perturbed at the same time that he wouldn't tell me where he was off to or up to or whatever. As he passed my desk, he discreetly dropped a little envelope into my open purse. When I knew the teacher was occupied elsewhere, I opened the beige envelope, hiding it under my desk. Inside was a plain beige folded card with just the word, _**Beautiful**_ written in Edward's script on the front. On the inside read:

_**You are cordially invited to a Valentine's Day luncheon**_

_**Friday, February 12, 2010**_

_**Fifth period**_

_**Room 210**_

_**~Edward**_

The smirk on my face was uncontainable. The pad of my thumb ran over the words reverently, as I waited patiently for the period to end. As soon and the bell rang, I bolted out the door, heading straight for my locker to grab Edward's gifts. Room 210 was actually our cooking class. The door was closed, and I didn't know whether to knock or just enter. I hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath before finally turning the knob. The classroom was dark.

"Hello," I called softly. "Edward?"

He poked his head out from behind the kitchen station we used during class. I chuckled at his big cheesy smile, the first genuine grin I had seen in a while. When I walked around the corner, the sight before me had me frozen in my spot. He had the table covered in a red tablecloth with white linen napkins folded into hearts. Plastic champagne flutes were set to the right of the plates, and two of those battery operated candles that looked like real flickering flames set in the center of the table. Next to my plate was a small square white box tied with red ribbon.

"Happy early Valentine's Day, Beautiful," he said quietly. Open mouthed, I placed the gift bag on the floor and sat as he motioned for me to do so with his hand. From the counter, he took a plate of cheese and crackers, placing it in front of me.

"Hors D 'Oeuvres," he chuckled as he sat down at the table, holding his chin in hand with a Cheshire grin.

"Edward this is so sweet. You did all this?" There were at least four different kinds of cheeses cut into little X's stacked alternately with the round crackers, effectively making little X's and O's, or hugs and kisses. _So damn cute_. Edward nodded proudly.

"Mrs. Miller told me I could use the room as long as I cleaned up. She gave me the tablecloth and the napkins, but I did the rest. Oh, and my mom helped a little with dessert."

"So you're talking to her again?" I asked, taking a bite of cheese on a cracker.

"Eh, not really, but she saw that I was having some difficulty and she offered her help. I think she was just after the chocolate chips. You should see her, B. She's got like…an actual baby in her belly. She popped all of a sudden, And she's so happy." Edward shrugged, taking a small bite of a cracker as he held it over his plate. I saw him cringe at the shower of crumbs it produced, but he tried hard to not obsess over it. We ate a few more crackers with cheese and chatted about nothing of real importance. But I took in every second of his company, not even realizing the intensity of the cravings I had for him just to be near me.

"You ready for the main course?" he asked brightly. I nodded eagerly, wondering what he had made.

He pulled two plates from the counter hidden under a white paper napkin. "Don't laugh, okay?" He placed the pates on the table, pulling off the napkin to reveal two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut into perfect hearts. I took one look at them and burst into tears.

Edwards's hands flailed in a panic, trying not to touch me but clearly finding it extraordinarily difficult not to comfort my unexpected sadness.

He stammered, "No, don't cry, I know it's not gourmet or anything but it was all I could do with my lack of cooking skills…Beautiful...what did I do?" I just shook my head, embarrassed at my reaction to his sweet gesture and saddened that he thought I was upset over his beautiful lunch.

"I'm sorry. No one's ever done anything like this for me before and…Edward... I love it…all of it. Thank you so much." I was ashamed for feeling so sad when he had gone through so much trouble to arrange all of this just for me.

"You're welcome. This isn't how I wanted to do this by any means, but…if I could have, I would have taken you to that stupid dance on Friday and then Saturday, we would have maybe gotten a hotel room and taken a like…a bubble bath or something romantic like that." Edward bit his lip shyly. "And then on Sunday, I would have taken you to a really nice restaurant. But… this has to do for now. But I promise to make it up to you, okay?"

"Baby, this is the best thing you could have ever given me, I mean it. I love the thought you put into everything." Edward carefully dried my tears with a napkin, his eyes soft and sympathetic. Thankfully, he understood why I was emotional and it didn't ruin the moment. We devoured our sandwiches, toasting and then taking sips from the sparkling cider filled flutes.

"Here, open this," he said, pushing the gift box toward me. Smirking at him, I picked it up, pulling the red ribbon off with a smile. "I saw this and I couldn't resist."

I lifted the lid and started to cry again when I saw what it was. Edward just rolled his eyes, shaking his head with a small smile. He took the box from me, pulling the heart shaped necklace from the backing. It was asymmetrical, one side smattered with small diamonds with a larger diamond trapped between the dip in the center. "It's called Love's Embrace. I thought it was cool, because…well, I can't exactly hug you so…"

He sighed, rising from his seat to stand behind me. I lifted my hair, baring my neck as he slid the necklace on and clasped it. When he was done, the chain tickled my neck as the weight of the charm pulled it down. Before I released my hair, Edward placed a tiny, quick as lightening kiss on my neck and whispered, "I love you," into my ear. I shivered as the warmth of his breath caressed my skin, aching for so much more than he could give me, yet wholly satisfied with what he could.

I was so fucking tired of feeling like this all the time. I just wanted things to be normal. Would things ever be normal for us?

Edward opened his gifts happily. He loved the shirt, as I knew he would, and he sprayed some of the cologne on his chest waving his hand out to let me smell. I already knew it was something he wanted, from trip to the mall not too long ago. He loved the card, and I was glad because that took the most time and effort. I had even used the utmost restraint to curb the pink glitter on the front, because I knew it would make him crazy to have it all over him.

Inside were really just words telling him how much he meant to me and how I truly couldn't live without him in my life. Edward got teary eyed over that and could barely speak when he offered up dessert. We ate the chocolate chip cookies, laughing as he told me how he mangled the first batch, not expecting the chocolate heart centers to melt into a puddle of goo in the oven. His mother had intercepted at that point, explaining that the chocolate candy hearts should go on the centers of the cookies once they were removed from the oven in order to maintain their shape.

I was happy that he was at least acknowledging his mother. I knew what an intense strain it had to have been on him, seeing as they were so close, and he probably really needed her to talk to at the moment. It occurred to me that this must have been awfully hard for Esme as well, trying to do the best job possible as a parent and having to make decisions that your child later resented you for. It made me understand Charlie a little better though, I couldn't find it in myself to grant him any forgiveness.

Without words, we both realized that the period was coming to a close. With heavy hearts and meek smiles, we gathered up the table contents, washing off plates and putting them away. Edward left a note for Mrs. Miller, kindly thanking her for her generosity.

Edward's temporary good mood quickly soured into his usual melancholy by the time gym rolled around. He contained his temper, even after Mike elbowed him on a shoot, knowing full well that the last thing he needed was to get suspended for fighting.

Saying goodbye to him that afternoon was by far the hardest, with our omitted Valentine's Day passing, in addition to having Monday off for President's Day. He leaned against his car, smoking his cigarette as usual, just staring at me in silence. It seemed that while the world around us moved on with their lives happily, we were stuck in one aimless perpetual circle that went nowhere.

As the drops began to fall in thick plops, he reached into his car, and grabbed a folded up tee shirt that I recognized as the one he had on under his button up earlier. I took it from him with a quirked eyebrow, immediately bringing it up to my face to sniff. Weird, yes, but Edward's scent was comforting. _He'd remembered. _During one of our phone conversations, I remarked at how I wanted one of his worn shorts to sleep with.

As the drops fell harder, Edward and I said goodbye with our eyes, and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest as I got into my car leaving him standing out in the rain by himself.

By the time I got to Seattle that night, it was late and traffic was slow moving because of the torrential downpour and partial road flooding along the highway. Charlie actually had the audacity to imply that I was late because I was hanging out with Edward. I wanted to fucking maim him.

Billy had called to let me know that the party Alice and I were scheduled for Sunday had been postponed, effectively giving us the weekend off, which sucked for me not having nothing to break up the monotony. Alice, on the other hand was ecstatic about the news. Apparently, one of Carlisle's friends had been killed in an accident and he and Esme were off to a funeral in Portland for the weekend. Emmett and Jasper already had a keg lined up for the party they were throwing. I was beyond pissed that I was missing it.

Together, Alice and I tried to come up with any excuse we could to get me back home to Forks, but I realized in the end it was futile and not worth digging myself in deeper. So I just pouted and tossed things around in my room angrily until Maggie came in wondering what the hell was going on. We ended up having a long talk about everything that had happened. I realized then, that she was the main reason my father had allowed me to stay in school in Forks. I also realized that I loved her like a big sister.

Charlie was gone all day Saturday as was Maggie. Once he got home, he basically demanded that I accompany him to dinner which I wholly resented, but I felt I had to relent once he said he had something important to talk to me about. I followed him down to the end of the block to a local pizza place, eagerly anticipating him telling me anything that would put a smile on my face. However, deep down there was a part of me that was shitting bricks in fear that he had sold the house.

He made small talk while I looked over the menu ignoring him out of principle because Edward had called earlier, on his way home from Sea-Tac airport after he dropped his parents off. It made me furious that he was so close and we couldn't even see each other briefly.

"Is that new?" he asked, gesturing to my necklace.

"Valentine's Day gift from Edward," I replied coolly, bringing my fingers up to touch the heart with reverence. It really was beautiful.

"That was very generous of him," he said politely.

"Yeah well, I think maybe he just felt badly about not being able to take me to the dance and dinner like a _normal _person does with their girlfriend, so he felt obligated to make it up to me. It's basically what you when you love someone...you give them affection and _respect._" I gave him a sardonic little smirk, smacking my menu down as the waiter approached with our drinks. The last comment had nothing to do with Edward, but was directed toward my father and how he treated me. Charlie just nodded quietly, offering no response. I looked away then, staring out the window into the busy street.

Once the waiter left with our dinner orders, Charlie placed a shopping bag on the table.

"I uh...asked you here tonight because I have some news I want to share." Slowly, he removed two heart shaped boxes of chocolates, one wrapped and the other still covered in cellophane.

"This one is for you," he said, as his finger dipped into the plastic, shaking slightly. "This one is for Maggie. Open it." I eyed him suspiciously, as I lifted off the top of the box. In the center, was a missing chocolate, replaced with a simple diamond engagement ring. "I'm proposing tomorrow," he said quietly, always the reluctant romantic.

I had to contain the urge to jump for joy. I wanted to throw my arms around him and hug him and celebrate with him, but I just couldn't. I couldn't help but sorely resent the fact that he was able to have joy with the love of his life and that he was the sole reason that I was completely prevented from doing do with mine.

"So what do you think?"

I replaced the top looking completely unaffected by the news. "About what?" I asked, taking sip of my soda. I relished in the grimace that proved my supposed indifference was pissing him off.

He huffed and then his fingers curled around his beer bottle tightly. "About the ring. About the proposal. About the fact that I am going to marry Maggie. You don't have an opinion on that?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

I gritted my teeth in anger. "Because Dad, does it really matter what I think at this point? Does it matter what my opinion is? You're going to do what you want anyway so why bother even asking me? You do whatever it takes to make yourself happy, and you don't need to worry about my opinion, because you've shown that it means nothing."

"Bella..."

I asked with wide eyes, "Am I wrong?"

"Yes."

I huffed exaggeratedly, shaking my head.

"I'm so sick of this shit." He placed Maggie's box back in the bag and set it on the chair next to him.

"Excuse me?" I replied to his unexpected comment. If anyone was sick of any kind of shit it was _me_.

"You heard me. I am so sick of this. I am trying to do the best I can with you, Bella. I am trying to prevent you from making stupid mistakes that will forever alter your life and I am trying to give you guidance and structure and...rules. But you resent me for it and...your mother and Maggie both think I am wrong. So if you want to go...then go," he said gesturing to the door.

"Dad?" I hedged, skeptically, totally unsure of what was happening.

"I said, go."

When I stupidly didn't make a move he explained, "Look. I took the wrong approach with this. It was all or nothing and I realized that the solution isn't that easy. Your punishment is over, but I expect you to adhere to some rules. You'll have a strict curfew and I am having an alarm system installed which will text me when it gets set at night so that I know you are actually in the house. Other than that, as long as your grades remain where they are and you continue to show me that you are responsible, you can have things back to the way they were...for the most part. And don't let me catch you smoking again."

My mouth hung open in shock and I felt as though my body was washed with relief and joy. I was so afraid to ask about Edward, but I desperately needed to know. Before I could even say anything, he said quietly, "As long as you don't break the restrictions of his restraining order, you can see him."

I flew at him across the table with uncontrollable speed, knocking over his beer in the process. He chuckled and I squealed, showering him with kisses while eliciting stares and whispers from the other patrons, but I couldn't have cared less. Charlie had given me my life back.

"Dad, thank you!" I sat back down on my chair, wiping up the beer from the table. When it was cleaned up, I folded my hands in front of me. Charlie quirked an eyebrow.

"What?" I asked grinning like a fool. My knee was shaking under the table in a giddy sort of frenzy. I needed to call Edward immediately.

"Why are you still here? I said go!" he chuckled pointing to the door. "Go celebrate Valentine's Day with your..." his hand flailed in the air aimlessly as he fumbled for the word, "boyfriend."

"What about dinner?"

"It's my last night as a single man, Bella. I'll eat dinner and go meet some buddies at the bar. Don't worry about me," he smiled, genuine and bright. He was happy.

"Congratulations, Dad. I really am happy for you. Honestly, I love Maggie and I know you guys will be happy." I hugged him as tightly as I could, kissed him on the cheek and grabbed my candy.

"Call me when you get to Forks and be back in your bedroom by one AM..._alone_. And don't speed, Bella!" he yelled after me as I bolted out of the restaurant. It took me but a few minutes to run down the block, grab my stuff at the house and get on the road to Forks. I would get there with two full hours before I had to be back home...it was enough and I was not complaining.

Edward had sent a text saying that he was going to chill in his room because he wasn't in the mood for a party without me and he would call me in the morning. I called him right back, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Quickly, I sent him a reply text to let him know I was on my way to see him...and so fucking excited about it.

I was practically bursting inside, even though we couldn't hug or kiss, I would be able to spend the remainder of the weekend with Edward, and that was the best gift that my father could have given me.

It was the gift of his trust and his respect and his love.

~%~


	31. Chapter 31 Escape

**This chapter has **_**graphic drug use**_**, underage alcohol consumption and sex. **

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 31~ Escape**

**It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone**

**It's easier to run  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would**

**Retrace every wrong move that I made  
It's easier to go**

**Linkin Park ~Easier to Run**

**~Edward~**

_The room spins like mad every time I close my eyes, and I feel like I'm on a fucking merry-go-round that just won't stop. It's dark except for the light coming through the seams of the door and I want to sleep so badly but I can't. I think I may puke if I lay here any longer. I have to get up. For some reason my legs aren't listening to my brain. _

_The incessant thumping vibrating through the floors and walls all around me from downstairs is goddamn rap music…. I hate rap music and it's annoying the shit out of me, and I wish I was home in the warmth and security of my own bed. Something tells me I'm not sure I could even remember how to get home right now even if my life depended on it and I know my house is just around the block. Well, it used to be…._

_I am really fucked up…._

_She's here again...I wish she would just leave me alone. I can fucking smell her perfume or shampoo or whatever, and the sweetness of it is turning my stomach. Fucking strawberries that make me want to gag. But I am out of it and I am just feeling so fucking numb and good, but bad and nauseous all at the same time. I feel the bed dip beside me as she sits down next to my stomach, the coarse fabric of her jeans brushing against bare skin where my shirt has ridden up. Her hands are cold and I flinch when she fingers the hemline of my shirt, raking meticulously manicured nails over my stomach and eventually drawing them up my chest ever so fucking slowly...like torture. She barely touches my nipple, swollen and tender from the new piercing before I can even warn her to not touch it and I yelp. But I have no voice. I try to speak but my mouth moves and there are no words forming, no sound emitting. There is nothing but her breathing and mine...heavy, labored, excited…scared…._

_No. This is wrong._

_I want to protest, but I am too groggy and what she's doing to me is causing me to go rock hard, involuntarily. Her lips meet mine and I am not sure if I should reciprocate because I don't want her to get the wrong idea, but I can't be sure if this is right either. It's not. So I don't kiss her back because I don't feel that way about her and in the morning she will be hurt...I don't want to hurt her. She's whispering shit into my ear, telling me how much she wants me and that she's loved me for so long and, "Please, Eddie, take the pain away, you can make it go away."_

_The sound of her voice rips a shiver through me. I don't recognize her voice like this...she sounds scared._ _Take what pain away...what the fuck? I want to help her but I don't know how and I can't speak or even move…. Then my shirt is pulled over my head and she gently touches the Saran wrap covering the fresh ink on my bicep and I feel a twinge of a burn, but the Percocets and liquor are keeping me numb, and her mouth is suddenly all over my shoulders and my chest...and I can't decide if it feels good or not. Yes, it feels good but…._

_No._

_But then my pants are undone and she's struggling to pull them down over my hips...and they are wrapped around my ankles keeping me immobile, not that I can seem to make myself move anyway. I am shy and I feel so cold in my stark nakedness but then warm, so warm, as her mouth is on me...but her hands are like fucking ice. And it's been a while since my dick has seen any kind of female action down there, so it's hard as fuck and it is betraying my emotions by being so eager when I don't want this._

_I don't want this._

_And then she slides herself onto me and it feels...fucked up, because I want her off of me but my body wants more and it's wrong._ _I can feel the weight of her body on me, her hands are on my chest and then her hair brushes my face and she's whispering, "Please tell me you love me too, Eddie, tell me please…." She is crying hot tears. Some of them fall erratically on my face. I can not move to wipe them away._

_No. I say nothing._

_I open my eyes because the sweet is gone, replaced by the scent of suntan lotion and ocean air. Crimson lips smile down at me, red painted_ _fingers weave in my hair and I want to speak but I am silenced by the red lips and soft, taught skin in my face...breasts... I know these breasts..._

_Her body pushes forward on top of mine while I am inside her and she pulls herself up and then down, circling, gyrating, moving like she's done this countless times. Moaning and whimpering she leans forward, blonde curls brush over my face, but I shut my eyes because I don't want to see anymore because this is still so terribly fucking wrong._

_And then at last, there is the scent that brings me comfort and solace and fills me with love... Heaven and chocolate and so much love and she's here and I smile because I am so fucking happy. My body feels the sudden tightness as her slick heat surrounds my cock and the softness of her touch as she cups my face in her hands but I still can't move or speak and I want to... I want to tell her how much I need her and how much she makes me feel alive and whole, and how fucking inherently beautiful she is as she hovers over me and smiles...but I still have no voice. Suddenly she's grinding harder and it's so goddamn good and I am exploding inside of her and I have to scream but my mouth opens and I am stilled by her breathy words on my lips..._

"_Don't worry, Baby. It will all be over soon."_

**~%~**

Fucking goddamn cryptic dreams. They were always the same...always starting with Charlotte who morphed into Tanya and then eventually into Bella and just as I was about to come, she would say something entirely fucked up and I would wake up sweaty and shaking and covered in my own jizz. I really needed to get a hold of a fucking dream book to figure some of this shit out.

It had been three weeks. Three of the longest weeks of my entire existence and I felt like all of the life that had been vivified in me when I met Bella, was being slowly drained from me every second we were away from each other. We saw one another at school, but we were never alone, never intimate, never touching. The fucked up thing was, that before all this happened, we were so bent about the restrictions placed upon us, it never fucking occurred to me to be grateful for the little we had, not having the hindsight to know that it would be almost completely gone.

I lived my life in a constant state of paranoia, mixed with frustration, anger, fear and self loathing...then throw in my steadily increasing OCD habits and a fuck load of sexual tension and I was just done. I found myself falling into a very deep depression, this time, one that was easily recognizable as depression. I wasn't sleeping or eating, I didn't feel like doing anything but lying in my bed thinking morose thoughts and being pissed at the world. I had been taking Xanax by the handful practically and it was not helping at all. I lied to Bella, telling her I was just restless at night, but the dreams were fucking driving me insane. Perpetually reliving that night with Charlotte was frustrating as hell, but I almost wanted to have the damn dreams just to get to the last part where Bella was the one on top of me and it finally felt good and right...until she said whatever fucked up thing it was that she was going to say.

My parents were acutely aware of the change and diligent about being on my fucking case about taking my meds, which I was taking without question. As my father doled out the newly increased dosage of my antidepressants with a forlorn expression, he said with a condescending brow furrow, "Drugs aren't necessarily the cure-all, Edward. Sometimes only time and patience can work out what pills can't."

I loved him, but his philosophy bullshit made me want to punch him in his smart mouth. "Yeah, yeah, just gimme the goddamn meds, Dad. I need to feel better now. I need to feel _something_..."

It turned out that even with the amped up dosage, nothing had really improved, except the dreams had gotten progressively more vivid. Lucky me.

My spirits were only temporarily lifted in Bella's company. Other than that, my mood was in a constant abysmal state and I couldn't seem to shake the gloom no matter what I did. After school and on weekends when we chatted or texted each other, I tried to keep up the facade that I was only mildly glum, but Bella saw right through it. She knew me, my moods, and my issues as if they were her own, so it was fucking difficult and fruitless to pretend otherwise. She was just as somber. I hadn't seen a genuine smile from her in weeks and since her laughter was generally absent, as of late, the one time I had heard her giggle was like fucking angels singing or some cheesy shit like that. I mean...I hadn't realized how much I had missed the sound and it practically crushed me knowing that _I_ did this to her.

_I_ was the reason she was so fucking sad and I didn't know how to fix it, or make it better. I was just stuck in this place with no answers, and no hope of anything ever changing.

Besides seeing Bella any chance I could, the only activity I found myself looking forward to while finding a small amount of enjoyment in were my afternoon runs with Emmett. I craved a distraction from the sudden dissipation of the routine with Bella after school, as well as that fact that since I was grounded, I wasn't drinking or smoking weed and that too required a distraction. The running helped focus my thoughts, blow off steam and release some (very, very little) of the sexual tension through the endorphins.

Emmett pushed me hard. He was convinced that I needed training if I wanted to play ball in a few weeks when the season started. I was still undecided about paying baseball; however, spending the time with Emmett was something to look forward to when it seemed that I had nothing else to give a shit about.

Running also took care of a lot of the pent up aggression that I was experiencing and taking out on Mike Douchebag Newton during gym. I couldn't figure out why he was being so antagonistic towards me suddenly, until I heard from Ben that it was common knowledge that I was considering going out for the baseball team. And apparently, Mike was the best pitcher the school had, so it had obviously become a pissing contest for him. I laughed to myself because I knew damn well that I could piss further and faster...a hundred and one miles per hour faster, to be exact.

I didn't know if I was up for the challenge...but I really fucking wanted to be, if not for anything than just to piss the fucker off. Come to think of it, I'd never liked him. Bring it on motherfucker.

On top of it all, my relationship with both of my parents was strained because of the situation, and though I kept my interactions with my mother to a minimum, I had a nagging sense of guilt that my silent treatment was causing her undue stress, which was not at all good for the baby. And if anything were to happen to it...God, I couldn't even fucking think about the ramifications.

Carlisle was conflicted in his role. What I didn't realize off the bat was that he was probably hurt by my anger, simply because he was and always would be my father, and knowing I was frustrated about being in the dark about my biological father bothered him to an extent. He had approached me a few times, defending and explaining my mother's actions and choices, and while I understood and appreciated what she had been trying to do, it didn't erase the fact that she painted my birth father in a highly negative light. It didn't negate the fact that she lied to me, knowing that I had questions about him that went unanswered. She chose to insinuate that he didn't want me, when all these years she had been letting him know me through pictures she sent...but never allowing me to know him in the same way. She never afforded me the choice and I felt cheated in a way.

What bothered me on top of all of this was that Edward had offered help with my legal situation, having the means and connections that he did, but she declined, with the justification that it wasn't his place to get involved. It pained me to think he might have been able to get the appeal sooner. Her pride took precedence over my freedom.

He had called to talk to me several times since our initial conversation. I found out that I did indeed have a sister named Kimberly, and she was four and she was really into Disney Princesses. He emailed photos of him and her, and his wife who looked like she walked off the pages of the sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazine. Kimberly looked exactly like her father, which because I did as well, was odd to look at. I was kind of weirded out by that in a way, knowing there was a little person out there that was related to me, looked like me and I had never even met her. I wanted to know her.

Edward's honesty definitely hurt a bit when he admitted that he never told his wife about me because he was ashamed of his past indiscretions and she came from a wealthy, well bred family that would look down upon him for having a child out of wedlock. He insisted that he wasn't ashamed of me...just what he had done to conceive me and the deliberate lack of involvement in my life. I couldn't understand how a man could legally bind himself with a woman and withhold such a huge secret like that for so long, but I supposed Edward had his reasons. I honestly didn't know how to feel about any of that.

But in the mental state I was in, I actually couldn't find it in me to be angry. I really couldn't find it in me to give a fuck, really.

He said it caused some serious problems in his marriage, which was sort of like a _yeah, duh,_ moment to me. I just couldn't help but dwell on the fact that I had fucked up yet another person's life...albeit inadvertently. Edward asked if I would come to see him in New York, that he was anxious to finally meet me in person, particularly after we had spoken so much. I was wary about it, to be truthful, and I was not sure precisely why. A part of me felt like it was a betrayal to Carlisle and everything he represented to me.

I did know that if I were to take the trip, Bella was coming with me. There was no way in hell I could meet him without her supporting me because I would probably be a fucking mess without her. Knowing the situation we were in at the moment, I explained that it would be at least a year and a half until she was eighteen and free from her father's draconian supervision. That of course, was if we made it that far, which I didn't know would even happen at this rate. I wasn't sure if the love we felt for one another was strong enough to endure the massive amount of shit we had to go through. I mean our love was strong and pure, but realistically, we were inexperienced teenagers handling more than our share of bad shit and having no idea how to cope, with very little guidance or support. We were both so fucking lost.

I just...sometimes I just felt like there was no point.

Edward understood my fears completely, and was regretful of that, yet he gave no guilt or pressure on the subject. He seemed to actually be a nice person.

The worst part of this whole thing was that I recognized that I really needed someone impartial to talk to. Emmett was always there to shoot the shit, but he was so impulsive and unemotional that his advice was actually really shitty most of the time. I never told him that though. I was honestly just glad he was there.

Jasper would on occasion sit and listen, but I felt like he couldn't relate to a thing I said, and I often wondered if deep down he was feeling a little bit of vindication with all of this. During one of my morning OCD fits where I got pissed off that he left a mess of fucking crumbs on the counter, he later accused me of having PMS in gym when I had the near scuffle with Mike. He didn't get me at all; and the fact that we hardly saw each other anymore due to my being grounded and Alice's constant presence in his life bothered me...evidently more so than it bothered him. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive. I mean, it wasn't like Jasper had ever been the warm and cuddly type, but I missed him regardless.

My mom was probably the best person to go to but I was still too upset with her to trust her like that for the time being. And truth be told, I really missed her too, fucking mama's boy that I was.

And Bella, well, she was my best fucking friend but I couldn't add to her emotional burden, though I knew damn well she would have taken all of my shit onto her shoulders without question, just to give me one moment of peace. She was so much stronger than I was.

So therapy was my only option. I mean, after all, that was the intended purpose of having a shrink, right? When Dr. Kate questioned me about what was going on, I was longing to tell her everything but I was still reluctant to trust her implicitly. She could see by the circles under my eyes and my overall demeanor that I was going through deeper shit than normal.

It was only after she admitted that my parents had called to let her know what had happened with the events leading up to the wedding, including contacting my biological father, that I felt moderately comfortable talking to her about it. I wasn't mad at them for telling her so much, though I probably should have been. They knew that I would not talk to her unless I was forced to, so I suppose I should have been thankful for the push. Regardless of what I felt about the truth about my biological father's intentions having been withheld, it was obvious that my mom and dad loved me very much and I wasn't that self absorbed in my anger to recognize that the gesture was of concern for my well being.

The fifty minute sessions flew by faster than I could get everything out, so she had asked if I minded doing doubles for a while until my issues were at least partially resolved, or until I felt some semblance of normalcy return. I agreed to it, but I still didn't trust her completely, even though she repeatedly reminded me that she was sworn to doctor patient confidentiality. It was fucking hard to remember what to omit, and there were just some things I had to white lie around because I refused to admit that Bella and I had been intimate. It was stupid to even put forth that much effort in hiding the fact, because she already fucking knew. And if she didn't she was a lousy therapist.

So we did that for three weeks straight, me giving her what I could and her writing furiously in her legal pad, occasionally throwing out questions and whatnot until I couldn't take anymore and I was a fucking crying mess. None of it made me feel remotely better. Talking about it actually exacerbated my ire and frustration and I would leave with more anxiety than I came with and an equally shittier mood.

It was when I waited for Charlie to get home that afternoon when I felt the most broken, the reality of the situation coming to a peak. I'd picked up a necklace for Bella, so excited to give it to her, and my intention was to take her to this little fondue restaurant in the back roads of Port Angeles that was like the town's hidden secret. I had made reservations right after New Years, knowing that they would be booked solid for Valentine's Day, never foreseeing what was to come. I had never been there, but I knew from the description and what I heard from my parents' experience that Bella would love it.

I had rehearsed what I was going to say, and made sure I was dressed in my least delinquent looking coat, just for visual effect, hoping Charlie would see _pre date rape accusation Eddie Masen,_ instead of _post I stole you daughter away to Vegas to get hitched Edward Cullen. _It was a long shot, hoping something as benign as a coat would soften his maleficent opinion of me.

My hands trembled like I was experiencing early onset of Parkinson's and the urge to take a piss was overwhelming, though I knew I didn't have to go. I was _that_ nervous. But as I walked down the block with my head held high, my sweaty palms at my side, my brothers watched through the bay window at home as though they were viewing a dog fight or something equally as interesting. It was fucking comical how they were always able to make lemonade out of my life's lemons. I received encouraging pats on the back from the both of them and sarcastic wishes hoping Charlie wasn't wielding any heavy artillery.

It felt so unnatural to ignore Bella's text when she spotted me approaching her father, but I had to let it go or I would have chickened out for sure. Knowing she was witnessing the exchange actually provided an odd comfort though. I was doing this for her...for us. I could be strong for her...even if it was a huge fucking lie and it proved again to me how much more resilient of a person she was.

I can honestly say that in my life I had never felt so rejected as when I held my hand out to Charlie and he stared blankly at it, making no move to reciprocate the motion. Dejected, I stuck my hands in my pea coat pockets and then did that stupid nervous running my hand through my hair thing that my mother said she remembered Edward occasionally doing as well. I felt the lighter Bella had given me in the pocket and held onto it like it was some magical stone. My thumb nervously rubbed over the smooth plastic, searching for something to give me the drive to do what I had come here to do.

My voice shook with a high squeak and I cleared my throat feeling like my balls were going to shrivel up and fall off.

"Mr. Swan," I said nervously. He went back to pulling his shit out of his truck, ignoring my presence. "I uh...I wanted to see if it was at all possible to ask if you would allow Bella a pardon...from her punishment?" He quirked an eyebrow probably at my choice of words..._pardon_...like she was in jail.

"And why the hell would I do that?" he snapped.

"Uh, well because Sunday is Valentine's Day, and the girls have all been talking about going out to this dance at school and then out to dinner and uh...that stuff is really important to girls, you know? And I want to make it special for Bella." I scratched the back of my neck just for some place to put my hand.

Through gritted teeth he spat, "Yeah, well, she's grounded, no thanks to you."

I swallowed thickly, steeling my resolve. "I realize that you don't like me very much at the moment and you certainly don't owe me any favors, but Bella has been so unhappy lately, and after being stuck in the house for weeks I think she really needs a night out to just have..."—

"Let me stop you right there, Edward," he said loudly, clearly not appreciative of the way this conversation was headed. "Don't presume that I don't know what emotional state my own daughter has been in and don't you dare tell me what _you _think she _needs_. Maybe if you weren't so keen on convincing her to run off to Vegas to get _married _at sixteen, she wouldn't be in this situation in the first place."

"Sir...with all due respect, at the time, we felt we had no other options. Bella was hysterical and I ..."

He cut me off abruptly. "The answer is no. Bella is grounded. Period. Is there anything else you wanted?" He was clearly pissed. The vein in his forehead was sticking out like it was ready to burst.

I sighed, feeling the sadness that Bella would feel when she found out I couldn't do anything special for her, when everyone around us was making a big fucking deal out of the day. It was just another thing I fucking failed her with.

I cleared my throat, speaking quietly. "Just that I wanted to extend my apologies for not being more forthcoming with my legal situation and for taking matters to the extent that we did. I am regretful of that." I made brief eye contact with him for effect so that he could see that I amassed some shred of integrity at least, but I didn't regret trying to marry Bella. I would do that again in a fucking heartbeat. My eyes met hers as she stood panicked at the front door. The sight of her made my pulse quicken. She was so beautiful standing there. It killed me knowing that her heart was going to break again...over me.

He nodded, promptly dismissing me without words, as he brought his stuff to the front porch. For a minute it occurred to me that I could give him a hand, but I was too pissed to offer him any assistance after his blatant rejection of my proposal.

I mumbled, "Thanks for your time," and gave Bella a small wave as I headed back toward home feeling like complete and utter shit.

My mom had apparently witnessed the whole thing along side my brothers through the front window. It was clear by my solemn expression that I didn't get what I went for and even more obvious from the piteous look on her face that she had been filled in on the details of the attempt.

"How'd it go, Bro?" Em asked, cringing I shook my head and started up the stairs.

"Edward...maybe you could set up a picnic at school or something like that instead?" My mom called softly, as she gripped the railing at the bottom of the staircase giving me an odd sense of _déjà vu_**. **I stilled and turned toward her pursing my lips in thought. Her eyes were pained, and I knew this strain between us was killing her inside. I just nodded with a small smile as I began heading to my room.

It took but a few minutes of sulking in contemplation until I realized that my mom had a good idea. It was weird how I found grocery shopping to be therapeutic, and as I perused the aisles all neatly stocked with box fronts and can labels facing outward, I wondered if other people felt that way. It took me like two hours to get everything I needed because I didn't know where the hell anything was, and I was sort of stalling anyway, because I liked it in there. It was comforting.

I had no fucking idea what to make Bella which wouldn't need heating up or refrigeration or massive amounts of preparation, because the period was only forty five minutes long and I wanted to spend the majority of the time with _her_. I settled on something simple, that I knew she liked...and though it was lame, I knew Bella would see the effort behind it and not focus on the actual food. And if not, well, I had a fucking diamond necklace with a sappy, but appropriately sentimental meaning attached to it to make up for the lack of elegance in the meal, just in case.

It took an entire loaf of bread for me to get the peanut butter and jelly sandwich hearts just right. I had the deformed ones stacked on a plate for when Emmett sniffed out food from across the house, so he wouldn't bother me. That kid had an innate sense of smell for anything food related, like a fucking hound dog or some shit.

It took a while to do the cheese X's too, but I knew the time spent on perfecting the detail would be worth it. I mentally chastised myself for being such a pussy with all this shit. Heart shaped sandwiches, hug and kiss shaped appetizers...where the fuck I came up with this shit I will never know. It didn't matter though, I just wanted Bella to be happy, and if seeing a smile on her face for like a millisecond would be the end result, then I would happily put what was left of my masculinity on the line.

And it was funny because I finally got why Bella had been all nervous when she made the Thanksgiving meal. Getting it right was important. The thing was, I _needed _to get this right. I needed for something to go right so that Bella wouldn't constantly look at me as this major fuck up, reliably providing endless disappointment.

When it came time for the cookies, I had gone the easy route and bought that premade stuff in the roll because I was afraid I would fuck up the dough from scratch. I had seen my mom make them with a chocolate Kiss in the center, so I figured it would work the same with the chocolate hearts. It didn't. They melted all over the cookies, and by that point, Em and Jasper were hovering in the kitchen like fucking buzzards on a week old carcass.

Jasper threw his arm around my shoulders playfully jabbing me in the ribs. "Hey pretty boy, where's your apron?"

"Shut the fuck up, asshole. This is the best I can do, okay? Leave me the fuck alone. I don't see either of you doing shit for your girls." I stood staring at the blobs on the tray, wondering where the hell I went wrong. I had no idea what I was doing, though the directions on the package were simple enough, the shit wasn't working. Yeah, I was officially a pussy. I needed my mommy.

"Can we eat those if they're all fucked up?" Emmett pointed to the tray in my oven-mitted hand. It was covered in a pattern of pink hearts and I felt like a total girl wearing it.

I tossed the scorching cookie sheet on the stove with a clatter. "Yeah, go ahead. I can't give them to Bella like this."

"E...you okay?" Em asked, popping a cookie off the tray. He screamed like a girl and muttered, "Fuck these are hot."

"I'm fine," I lied, rubbing a hand over my face. "I have to get this right; I have to make this good for her..." God, I was gonna fucking lose it any second.

"Sweetie?" We all turned when my mom appeared in the doorway. Her belly was getting so big. It was weird to see her like that, always rubbing it unconsciously, but kind of beautiful at the same time. "You need to put the candy on after you take the tray out of the oven. It's too hot otherwise and they'll melt. Do you want some help?"

I shrugged my shoulders, wanting some assistance, but too proud to ask for it. Once the deformed cookies were removed and consequently hoarded by my brothers, they left us alone which I was entirely annoyed with. This would mean actually conversing with my mother, which up until that point I was undeniably trying to avoid.

But we didn't talk about anything of consequence, and she simply stated that she thought this was a perfect idea and that Bella would love it. I was itching to show her the necklace I got too, but I thought that would be too much of a proverbial olive branch and I wasn't quite ready for that just yet. I casually asked her how she was feeling and she beamed while talking about the baby...like actually fucking glowed. They were going to find out the sex in a few weeks and she was so excited to be able to start buying clothes and stuff. Truly, I was happy for them and for us as a family. It had been too long since something good had happened to any of us.

Once we were all cleaned up, and I had everything packed up and ready for the next day, I hesitated at the awkwardness, not knowing what to do or say to her. So I just said, "Thanks Ma," and as I started up the stairs, she grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me toward her, locking me in an embrace. She hugged me so tightly, that I felt her sorrow and her regret. She whispered, "I love you so very, very much and I am sorry for deceiving you."

"I love you too, Mom," was all that I could manage to reply.

And that was that.

That night, after saying a proper goodnight to Bella on the phone, I headed out to the balcony to say goodnight to my girl in the way I had been doing for months unbeknownst to her. At that point, it was just absurd that I hadn't told her yet. While it still felt undeniably wrong, watching her through her window at night was one of the few things that I had for myself, which no one knew about, that no one could steal away from me. I smoked...she got naked…and all was good for those three minutes when everything in the world was right and balanced and mine alone. And then the lights would go off and everything went to shit again.

But this night, as she started to undress I leaned over toward the railing, eventually propping myself up on all fours and craning my neck to get a better angle as she disappeared into her bedroom and out of view. When she appeared again, she was just pulling her top off when I was startled by a gasp.

_Rosalie._

"Oh shit!" she exclaimed with a hand over her heart. "You scared the crap outta me!" I hadn't even heard Em's door open or shut.

I mumbled, "Sorry," slipping back against the wall of the house, pulling my knees up to my chin so that she could pass. I could no longer see Bella, and I was instantly irritated that I would miss her beautiful boobies.

"Whatcha doin', Edward?" she hedged, eyebrow quirked and bag slung over her shoulder.

"Oh uh...thought I saw an owl," I replied quickly, taking a long drag of my practically non- existent cigarette, and pointing to a tree where I most certainly had not seen any owl.

"Your bird watching?" she asked skeptically, shifting from one foot to another. Her gaze shifted briefly to the trees and then back to me.

_Yeah...swans._

I snorted at myself internally for that thought. Rose's hair was a frightful mess, and in the dim light of the moon, her lips were all red...both telling signs that my brother had just gotten laid or fellated at the very least. She knew I knew and she was clearly embarrassed, and thank God she had that to distract her, because the last thing I needed was Rosalie fucking Hale privy to the knowledge that I was a pervy teenage voyeur to my own girlfriend.

"I'm just smoking, Rose. Thought I saw something in the trees," I added nonchalantly, aptly hiding the shaking in my voice.

"Oh, well...sorry to disturb you," she said softly, turning so that she could squeeze by to get to the stairs. She seemed so timid around me, as though I frightened her or something, and Rose did not strike me as the kind of girl that was easily intimidated by anyone, particularly males. With my dark funk lately, it wouldn't surprise me if that was indeed the case.

"You weren't disturbing me at all." I gave her a small smile, because she and I hadn't really ever been what I would categorize as overtly friendly toward one another. But the fact that she was both my brother's girl and my girl's best friend, I though maybe I should at least not be an asshole toward her, despite my foul mood.

She started down the stairs, mumbling, "See ya," with a wave. But then she stopped, turning as I put the butt out on the wood.

"Edward?" I looked up to see her biting her lip. "I'm uh...sorry about the wedding and everything. I can't imagine what you're going through right now and..." she shook her head as her words disintegrated into the night air.

I nodded, surprised by her heartfelt words and embarrassed at the same time. "Thanks, Rose." Pulling myself up to a stand, I nodded and turned, flicking on the light that I normally kept turned off, so that she could see her way down the stairs. "Be careful," I whispered, and went into the house.

That next day was almost exhilarating for me. Once everything was set up, seeing Bella's face was the highlight of my whole fucking month. And then of course her bursting into tears made me feel like shit, because I knew it was likely that I had done something to fuck it up. But I was right...it was the gesture that moved her to tears, not the stupid menu.

Her gifts were fucking perfect...the shirt was cool as hell and I totally wanted the cologne. It was sort of touching that she remembered it from a trip to the mall so long ago. Her handmade card made me all fucking misty because it mirrored my feelings for her perfectly, and even though the pink glitter was all over the place I couldn't even let myself be annoyed about it. But in all the preparation, I hadn't remembered to get her a card, so I felt kind of shitty about that, but I didn't let it ruin my demeanor.

But as the day progressed, I couldn't hold on to the good mood I had been in and by dismissal I was spent. All I wanted to do was smoke and sleep the weekend away, killing the hours, minutes, seconds until I was with Bella again. Unfortunately, I had my scheduled truancy officer visit the next day, which I failed to admit to Bella after the last time hadn't gone so well. I didn't want her to worry unnecessarily, with all the shit she was currently dealing with all on her own.

Later that night at dinner, when my parents announced that they were leaving for the weekend for a funeral, I groaned inwardly as Em and Jazz's eyes were suddenly alight with the twinkle that only an impromptu party could create. Just the thought of the mess the next day made my stomach roll and my fingers twitch, because as much as I always insisted I would not get involved, somehow the after party disarray called me like a siren's song and I was compelled to help clean. Besides the fact that I was in no mood to socialize with the people that thought I was a freak, particularly if Bella couldn't be there with me.

But Em and Jazz were usually diligent about throwing parties. No one was allowed anywhere but the kitchen and main living area which was a sufficient enough space for a large gathering. They would move all the furniture into other rooms, lock the doors to all the rooms, and prep the carpet cleaning machine. The only thing that was any kind of issue was my piano, but they would cover it with a plastic sheet and throw my mom's stupid artificial six foot tall potted trees in front of it, as though they would be enough of a deterrent. To me personally, it was much more of a hassle than it was worth.

~%~

The Saturday morning drive to Seattle was long and tense. I was immensely tired and irritable due to lack of sleep and another fucked up sex dream. Since I had to go into the city anyway, my parents asked if I wouldn't mind driving with them so I could take the SUV back home, as it was brand new and they didn't want to leave it in long term airport parking.

I drove in so my father could spend the time texting and making arrangements with friends on his phone for when they arrived in Portland. My mom sat in the back seat ticking away on her laptop, not offering much in the way of conversation, except for an occasional plea to drive slower. As usual, I was a nervous fucking mess, dressed in my conservative clothing and hair all neatly parted to the side reserved for those rare occasions where I was forced to portray someone I was not.

They waited with me in the lobby of the courthouse, awkward, silent and just...the last place any of us wanted to be. Luckily, it went as it always did; quick, painless, with the same standard questions issued and all the unnecessary anxiety that accompanied the task. I was relieved beyond comprehension, because in the back of my mind, I almost was preparing myself to walk in that office and see the pictures of me and Bella on his desk. But there was nothing of the sort, and it was over and done with in record time.

Afterward, I had a late lunch with my parents in the airport, only because I had nothing better to do, and I was not looking forward to going home. Carlisle decided to have a few drinks, and ended up talking nostalgically about his friend who had been killed in a car accident, leaving his three kids fatherless. This of course, made the mood even more somber and depressing and caused me to think about what life would be like if I had lost my own father.

They brought up Edward and what I was planning to do regarding a visit, but I remained ambiguous about the whole idea, because the thought worsened my anxiety. The whole uncomfortable conversation made me want to crawl out of my skin and go smoke up until I couldn't remember my own goddamn name. I had been itching for some weed for the last month, but apparently, JB was having some trouble with his suppliers who were experiencing some sort of dry spell. He'd offered me plenty of other things...coke, meth, heroin, ecstasy...but I declined, asking him to let me know immediately when he replenished his weed supply.

On the way home, I spoke to Bella briefly, promising that we would spend all day Sunday on the phone pretending that we were together. If we couldn't do the real thing, then we'd have to accept the next best. Like a fucking girl, I had done a drive-by past Maggie's apartment, just because I needed to feel close to Bella and I fucking missed her so goddamn much. It was stupid and totally out of the way, but again, I was all for killing time.

The thought occurred to me to grab a hotel room in the city just to avoid the situation at home, but I figured with it being Valentine's weekend, there wouldn't be any rooms available anyway. Besides the fact that the last time I had been in a hotel was for an entirely different reason, which ultimately led to a fuckawesome blowjob, lots of tears and a seven hundred dollar repair bill for the wall and crystal bowl I destroyed.

Em called three times asking me to pick up shit for him on my way home and after the fourth time his name popped up on the screen, I shut the phone off, tossing it into the passenger seat. Sometimes being the only person with ID over twenty one in the town the size of a fucking pea was a curse, not a blessing, and thank god only a handful of people knew, otherwise I'd be a fucking liquor gopher every weekend. It was the last thing I should have been doing, with the recent trailing and photos of me surfacing, but I figured, what were the chances of it happening again, right?

After I stopped at the liquor store for the stuff Em and Jazz requested, I bought a pack of cigarettes, refilled the tank with gas, and headed back home with extreme dread.

If I didn't have the alcohol to deliver, I would have gone straight up the back way to my room, simply to avoid having to deal with any bullshit. But instead, I entered the house, already filled to the fucking brim with sloppy drunks, and techno music coming from a makeshift set of turntables. The overhead lights were dimmed but on the floor was a rotating colored disco ball spinning a rainbow of spots onto the ceilings and walls.

Heads turned and people stared at me a few seconds too long before going back to their warm cups of keg beer and lame conversation. I'd forgotten what I looked like today...all preppy and shit, so I wondered if anyone even recognized me at all. A cheerful wave from Makenna and perplexed stares from Jessica and Lauren told me I was indeed distinguishable even from across the darkened room.

I put my coat away in the front closet, idly noticing that there were a ton of faces I was unfamiliar with, figuring they had to be from PA or Sequim because they were way too pale to be from the Rez. Not that I even gave a fuck, but whatever.

I cringed when I spotted Jasper in the center of the room with Alice's leg draped over his hip grinding into her forcefully to the beat of the music. The two of them were in constant heat and it was distressing how voracious their libidos were.

Oh, fuck that. I would be doing the same thing if I could.

Carefully navigating my way to the kitchen with the bag of bottles in one hand and the other gripping a case of imported beer, I found Emmett around the center island with Rose on his lap, surrounded by a good portion of the football team waiting patiently for their liquor. They had empty shot glasses in front of them, yelling my name loudly when I arrived, reminiscent of Norm from Cheers, but oddly, the boisterous welcome didn't improve my shitty mood.

Once Emmett got the bottle opened, he slammed a shot glass down in front of me with the bottle ready to pour. I snatched it up quickly, cleaning it with the edge of my shirt before placing it back down on the granite. I threw my shot back with vigor, not waiting for the rest of the group to have their glasses filled. They wanted to do some toast but I wasn't in any mood for some sappy shit about friends and good times.

In my periphery, three girls who were apparently not from Forks, stood and watched, one in particular, made continuous eye contact with me. If it weren't for her resemblance to Bella, I wouldn't have even bothered to look, but she had the same soft brown curls that reminded me how much I missed the girl that was not here. She would smile and I would look away emotionless, trying not to give her the impression that I cared or had any desire to interact with her.

Two more shots later, my throat burning and feeling the first onset on the delicious numbness that only hard liquor could provide, I decided that I needed to change out of my nerd wear and hit the shower. I grabbed a beer off the counter, realizing I was lacking a bottle opener, and of course, the staring girl was blocking the drawer that housed the utensils. I motioned to the drawer, as I approached timidly. "Excuse me; I need to get in there."

She moved aside apologetically, about to say something but I pointed to the case of beer I had left on the counter. "Help yourselves." With that, I cracked open the top of the beer, nodding as I held the steel and wood opener out to her and headed upstairs.

As I pushed open my bedroom door, the scent of Bella was everywhere, practically assaulting me. My dick, which seemed to be directly linked up with my olfactory senses, responded instinctively, knowing Bella was in the vicinity. My heart started to race and I felt my hand shake slightly, as I took another swig of beer, poking my head curiously inside while at the same time, now shifting my raging boner. Despite my sudden arousal, my first instinct was to be fucking pissed that anyone was in my room, and left it in this state of careless usage.

The first thing I noticed was the black bra hanging carelessly off the wooden foot board of my bed, and instantly, I tensed thinking that if someone was screwing in my room there would be bloodshed. The lights were on, annoying techno pop music was floating from somewhere and my normally pristine comforter was wrinkled as though someone had been sitting on my bed.

I spotted black boots and a pair of colorful socks near the bed. It was warm and damp in the room, clearly indicative of the steam coming from my shower. I noticed Bella's bottle of lotion sitting upright on my nightstand and an involuntary smile crept over my face as I put two and two together and realized that she was in all probably naked behind my bathroom door, instantly forgiving her for making a mess of my room.

What the fuck was she even doing here?

"Beautiful?" I called out, rapping my knuckles on the bathroom door. My tongue and lips were beginning to feel numb and I liked the sensation of the haze that made the edginess and irritability soften. The knob turned from the other side and when the bathroom door swung open, I staggered back a foot when it was not Bella, but fucking _Tanya_ staring back at me.

The disappointment was crippling. Besides the fact that I was so not in the mood for her at the moment.

_Note to self: beat the fuck out of Emmett for not warning me._

Her smile was huge, and she puckered freshly painted red lips teasingly. "Hey, Handsome!" She moved to hug me but I blanched, pulling away from her. She had her hair wrapped in a towel, wearing jeans and the black button down shirt that Bella had just given me, with the shirttails tied in a knot in front. I had hung it on the closet doorknob as a reminder to iron it before putting it away.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I spat, pissed that she had the audacity to come and use my room like a fucking hotel, but to wear the shirt that still had tags on it, until she obviously pulled them off.

"Is that how you greet me? Shit, you're in a mood." She leaned into the bathroom mirror, fringing her lashes with mascara. "Some douchebag was grinding all up in my shit downstairs and he spilled his beer in my hair and all over my shirt. I went looking for your mom's room for something to change into, but all the doors were locked except this one." She furrowed her eyebrows and smirked, pointing to my clothes. "What's this about?"

I scowled, rolling my eyes. "I had an appointment earlier. Had to look like an upstanding citizen."

She laughed in understanding. "Yeah well...the hair does not work on you...at all. Who died, by the way?"

"My dad's roommate from college," I replied dismissively. "Why exactly are you here in Forks?" I leaned back against the door jam, agitatedly drinking my beer.

She huffed, tossing her makeup into her purse and gave me an irritated stare. "Irina met some guy from Port Angeles in some chat room or whatever, and I wasn't about to let her hook up with a stranger, so I tagged along on her little date. But then she was like...clearly into him and after I felt like a total third wheel I came here to see your mom, but obviously she's not here, so...I um...hope you don't mind that I borrowed the shirt. It's not like you don't have three million others in that closet. It's bigger than my whole frigging dorm room." Tanya pulled the towel off her head, running a brush through her wet hair. "I stole a wife beater too... my bra is kind of soaked."

The thought of her perusing my drawers pissed me off to no end. I ignored her last statements still obsessing over the shirt. If Bella fucking knew..."Actually, I've never even worn that shirt, and it was a Valentine's gift...from Bella," I said, glaring at her.

"Oh right...Bella." Tanya rolled her eyes sticking out her tongue. "How's that going?"

"Don't ask," I said, not in the mood to rehash the situation. She tied her hair back in a ponytail and shut the light. I stepped back to let her pass, when she grabbed my beer, taking a generous helping for herself, before handing it back to me. I glared at the bottle, and then at her, because there were now her lovely germs on my bottle and I was suddenly no longer thirsty.

"Yeah...heard you tried to get married? Uh...really? It never ceases to amaze me the lengths a guy will go to get some pussy," she chuckled, shaking her head as she crossed the room.

I huffed, suppressing the urge to punch her. "It had nothing to do with sex. It's complicated and I don't feel like fucking talking about it."

"Oookay, then." She dropped her purse onto the floor beside her boots. "What the hell is wrong with you? There's a party going on downstairs. Why aren't you having fun with your friends?" she asked, plopping herself on the couch like she was my goddamn roommate or something.

"I'm not in the mood to socialize. Besides, I don't have any friends," I added with a mumble. The only important person to me wasn't here. I debated whether to sit down on the couch or just head into the shower and tell her to leave, but she pulled something from her purse and held it up to the light as she squinted at it with one eye.

My heart began to race and my mouth literally pooled with saliva. I swallowed it down thickly, sipping the beer as I stared with disbelief and longing at the tiny blue vial of cocaine in her fingers.

"You want some candy?" she asked casually, as though she were simply asking me if I wanted a handful of M&M's.

I exhaled, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, almost giddy at the sight of it, but mentally chastising myself for getting so worked up over it.

"No thanks," I responded coolly, my jaw tight and teeth grinding together in anticipation.

_Liar._

She shrugged, screwing the cap off the top and tapping a little white bump onto the juncture between her thumb and forefinger. She brought it to her face plugging one nostril with a finger from the other hand as she inhaled audibly. The sound alone made me hiss.

Tanya sniffed a few times, letting out a little pleasurable moan and she shivered as the coke instantly hit her system. Her eyes fluttered shut and she began humming and moving her shoulders to the music not having a care in the world. She was fucking content and happy and feeling phenomenal.

I wanted that feeling.

I _needed _that feeling.

Standing frozen in the middle of my bedroom, I blatantly gaped at her, my conscience having a mental showdown with Good and Evil. Angelward and Devilward...

_Angelward: If you did just a little you would only feel like this temporarily and then when you come down you'll feel ten times worse. Plus you told Bella..._

Devilward cut off Angelward abruptly.

_Devilward: If you did just a little, you would feel so much better and just experience some happiness and solitude for a change. And since coke makes you feel a sense of superiority, and you're always feeling like you're the lowest of the low, it can only help. You deserve it. You've been through so much...just a little bit can't hurt. No one will even know._

It was a no brainer...Devilward won.

Without bothering to find a coaster, I set the beer on the side table and said, "Gimme." I sat next to her on the couch a good two feet away, holding out my hand expectantly. She dropped the cobalt vial into my palm drawing her bare feet up to her chest. Bella did that a lot. Her movement distracted me momentarily, until I took the already open vial, tapping the powder onto my hand, mimicking Tanya's previous actions. Just before I brought my hand to my face, I had a moment of clarity through my alcohol induced fog.

Guilt.

I felt an immense amount of guilt.

Guilt for betraying Bella and my family and myself...

But you know what? _Fuck _guilt. Because all I ever did was feel like shit, and I was riddled with shame and plagued with a fuck load of bullshit garbage that I didn't deserve; and why the fuck my life was like this I would never know, because I was a good fucking person and this shit wasn't fair and all I wanted was to feel good for two fucking seconds so why...why couldn't I just have that and not feel bad or guilty for wanting some instant gratification?

So I inhaled.

My back arched off the couch with the beautiful burn and I clenched my fists and threw my head back against the leather as the adrenaline rush pounded through my veins making everything clearer, fresher, less fucked up. I turned and smiled at Tanya who was grinning at me while bobbing her head to the music. It only took a few seconds to fully absorb the effects and I wanted to dance and climb the fucking walls and yell at the top of my lungs because I hadn't felt this good since...probably Bella's blow job.

My heart was thumping hard and if I concentrated hard enough I could actually see the blood pulsing in the little blue lines under the thin skin in my wrists, which was freaky, but it made me feel so fucking..._alive._

Things got really speedy, but the good kind of speedy, making our conversation erratic and fractured, but I don't think either of us even gave a shit or noticed really, because we were both so high. I had this sudden unrelenting urge to clean and organize shit, and if Tanya hadn't been there I would have gone to town. The wrinkles in the bed were aggravating the shit out of me, but I knew if I fixed them I would end up changing the sheets and getting all anal over it, so I left it alone.

Tanya didn't shut the fuck up for a goddamn second. Every now and then I had to put my finger to my lips in a silent plea for her to stop talking. We both had the crazy grinding jaw thing going on and the sound of her laughter and her teeth smacking together was annoying the shit out me. I had forgotten how much blow made me intolerant of minor, insignificant details that would grate on my nerves.

Tanya's eyes were bugging me the fuck out. They were so dilated that there was barely a sliver of her typically icy blue showing. I could only imagine what mine looked like. So I bolted off the couch and checked them in the mirror. They were fucking huge! Just big black balls rimmed with pale gray. It was utterly fascinating for about ten seconds and then the bottle of lotion on the nightstand diverted my attention. I placed it back in the drawer, neatly next to the lube and porn.

My fingers drummed to the beat of the music on my bouncing knee, no longer plagued with thoughts of guilt or demise or anything really. I was numb from head to toe and it was motherfucking beautiful.

I felt like I could breathe, despite the fact that my heart was racing out of my chest and I felt like my jaw was going to unhinge.

After a while, I got up abruptly grabbing another shirt out of my closet and handing it to her, because the sight of her was pissing me off and ruining my good mood. She unknotted the front, tossing it on the bed and for just a second, I glanced at her tits, because they were covered in nothing but my practically transparent white wife beater and it was really hard not to stare. Plus the coke was making me fucking horny as hell, so I sat back down on the couch shifting my semi erection and retraining my thoughts to my girlfriend's tits which were much nicer.

Some time passed, quickly, because everything flew by on a coke high and she did another bump and so did I and soon we were dancing in the middle of my bedroom. Not like slow dancing or anything...like fucking jumping around to some crazy techno shit she had on her iPod and getting all crazy. I hadn't done that in forever and it felt so good to release the tension and just...be. It was so fucking nice to just be free of the burdens and the drama of what my life had become…I needed this more that I even realized. And I wished I was doing this with my girl and not the one that was currently here.

Eventually, I was sweaty and winded and feeling disgusting when the song ended, so I politely excused myself to the bathroom to shower. Before I went in I said, "Hey listen, you can go downstairs and have fun. Don't let me keep you here." She rolled her eyes and just made herself comfortable as she stretched on the couch. It was a hint for her to get the fuck out, but I knew it would be rude to give her the boot when she just provided me with copious amounts of fuckawesome mood altering substance, so I didn't push it. I hadn't touched her once and she was completely respectful of that, keeping her distance. I huffed shaking my head.

"Do you want me to go?" she sat back up, looking so terribly rejected.

I shrugged. "I am kind of tired." The truth was I wanted to spend the remainder of the night reorganizing my closet, knowing she'd been in there and likely messed shit up.

"Oh bullshit, you just did two bumps of blow there's no fucking way you're tired. Whatever, I'll go mingle with the toddlers."

I smirked at her, giving her a wave and muttering, "See ya later," as I closed the door behind me and stripped.

The hot water felt fucking amazing as did my fingers in my scalp and I couldn't help but rub one out thinking about Bella on her knees sucking me off. But I couldn't come...as hard as I tried, I couldn't get there and I knew enough that it was the drugs in my system preventing the release. It was fucked up, really. The thing that made me rampantly horny, and gave me concrete erections prevented me from coming. Cruel, cruel world.

When I got out, completely frustrated and wary of the impending blue balls I was sure to be dealing with later, I dried off and realized that I was coming down rapidly and it didn't feel very good. I was fucking loving the rare wave of euphoria and wasn't quite ready to let it go. Wrapping a towel loosely around my waist, I stepped out into the room, freezing when I saw Tanya still on my fucking couch, chattering away on her phone.

The only part of me that was glad that she was still there was the part that wanted more coke. The door was open half way, and there were two fresh beer bottles on the side table, so I assumed she had gone downstairs and then returned.

The sight of her phone reminded me that mine was still on my passenger seat in the car. Fuck. I needed to text Bella before it got too late.

Her eyes widened as I stepped into the room tightening my towel. She licked her lips suggestively holding the phone away from her ear and breathing, "Yum." I rolled my eyes, dismissing the playful comment as I grabbed a pair of black pajama bottoms off the shelf. I slipped them on inside of the privacy of my closet, while at the same time taking a cursory glance to inventory the damage Tanya had inflicted on it. As I thought, she'd made a mess out of things.

"I thought you were going downstairs to babysit," I chuckled, resuming my spot on the couch. The leather felt so good on the bare skin of my back, but I couldn't fully appreciate it because I was itching for another bump. _Aching_ was more like it.

She ignored me while she continued to talk on the phone.

"Gimme another bump," I said wiping my mouth with the back of my twitching hand. She shook her head no dismissively, continuing with her conversation. I huffed in irritation.

"Please?"

She covered the phone with her hand, slicing her other hand across her neck. "No. You've had enough."

"What the fuck, _Mom_? Gimme another bump. Come on." I grabbed her purse off the floor, unzipping it. She pulled it out of my hand, tossing it back on the carpet while smacking my arm. I huffed, scrubbing my hand over my face in annoyance. I was losing my fuckawesome euphoria and the tingles in my spine were just about gone completely. "Tanya, come on...please."

I hated that I was fucking begging. She finally hung up the phone, tossing it inside her bag and turned to me. "I thought you were tired?"

"Yeah, I changed my mind. Why did you come back upstairs?" I grabbed her purse by the strap, pulling it up and into her lap with a plop.

"Because there's this guy down there who was rubbing all over me and he's like... twelve and fucking gross." She threw her bag on the floor again. God she was fucking irritating.

I growled, grabbing the purse again. "Tanya! Can you just fucking give me another bump...please? Jesus." She shook her head no with a cocky smirk, deliberately trying to piss me off. By this point the fantastic high was gone leaving just a fucking miserable irritated shadow in its place. I knew coming down was inevitable, but I just wanted it to last a tiny bit longer...

"Fuck this," I spat, opening her purse and rifling through it while trying to hold it away from her, because now she was just being a bitch, and antagonizing me. It was pretty tough to navigate blindly in a purse full of assorted girl shit while she was lunging at me trying to retrieve the damn bag. I normally would never go in a chick's bag, simply out of respect for her personal property as well as fear of what I would find in there that would set off my OCD shit, but the commandeering of her purse right now was entirely necessary.

It had the key to my fucking happiness inside it.

"Give it back to me right now!"

"No." I nudged her away playfully with my elbow.

"I'm fucking serious, Edward!"

"Yeah well, tough shit...ah-ha!" I held up the vial victoriously while Tanya reached for it in vain. I smirked at her sneer, trying to screw the lid off one handed while she lunged for it.

"Come on...there's not much left and I need it to last the weekend!" she whined, sitting up on her knees pouting while I held it over my head snickering at her. My borrowed shirt that she had on was all disheveled, hanging off of her elbows and making it really hard not to notice that she still hadn't put on her fucking bra.

"I'll get you more, you pain in my ass." I finally got the lid screwed off just as she hooked her leg around me, straddling my lap and her tits were all up in my face as she struggled to reach the container above my head. I brought it down for a second hovering over her shoulder, while keeping her in a headlock just so I could tap it into my hand but as she struggled like the pain in my ass that she was, she jarred my arm, spilling the powder over the top of shoulder onto her collarbone.

"Fuck," I groaned. "You see what you did, goddammit? Now get the hell off me!"

I sighed in a resigned whimper about to push her the fuck off of me when she whined, "Well, don't fucking waste it now!" She began to brush the scattered powder into a little lump in the dip of her collarbone. The mound was substantially bigger than the ones we had been doing, but I thought, _fuck it,_ it would last longer.

She craned her neck allowing me access to the shit, while I bent down, bringing my nose to the juncture between her neck and collarbone and fuck, did she smell like Bella. In that fucking inconvenient Pavlovian response thing, I felt my dick go hard in an instant from just a mere whiff of her scent as I inhaled the powder mixed with the essence of Bella.

"Oh, that's so fucking good," I practically cooed in pleasure, throwing my head back against the couch as let the shit hit my system, shutting my eyes, relishing in the instant buzz it gave.

_Fuck that feels so fucking good...That's all I wanted…_

My heart was thumping unbelievably loudly in my chest as it directly competed with the music coming from downstairs while completely distracting me from even noticing or giving a shit about the weight on my lap.

But then I heard her let out a little moan as she ground herself into me and leaned forward nuzzling her face into my neck...I was so fucking focused on enjoying my high, that it didn't immediately register what she was doing or that she had clearly misunderstood my physical reaction underneath her. She had one arm snaked around my neck and the other running her hand down my abs.

The fucking awesome and desperately awaited sensation of the coke blasting through my system had taken precedence over the dry hump.

"Tanya stop…" I hissed sharply, suddenly realizing what she was doing because she obviously had misread my body language.

I opened my eyes and gasped.

_No, no, no._

"You don't want me to stop and you know it," she whispered breathily into my ear. Her hand jabbed inside the waistband of my pants, gripping my erection.

"Tanya, get the fuck off me!" I said in a growl, standing abruptly while throwing her to the floor with adrenaline-induced force. She screeched as she hit the carpet with a thud.

She punched me in the leg hard. "Edward, what the fuck did you do that for?"

Her question was immediately answered when her gaze shifted to the bedroom door, finally seeing what I was…

_Fuck, fuck, fuck..._

Bella's horrified brown eyes staring right the fuck back at us. And if looks could kill, I would have been a fucking dead man.

"Bella please wait…"

**~%~**


	32. Chapter 32 Letting Go

**Twilight belongs to SM.**

**Thank you so much to everyone who has Pm'd me, reviewed, sent kind words or encouragement supporting the story and the choices I have made concerning the characters and the storyline.**

**Thank you to Erika for proofing, and to Suzy for everything. You did great with the fallout, bb.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 32~** **Letting Go**

**Baby I was naive,**  
**Got lost in your eyes**  
**And never really had a chance**  
**I had so many dreams**  
**About you and me**  
**Happy endings**  
**Now I know**

**I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale**  
**I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,**  
**Lead her up the stairwell**  
**This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,**  
**I was a dreamer before you went and let me down**  
**Now it's too late for you**  
**And your white horse, to come around**

**White Horse ~Taylor Swift**

**~Bella~**

I made it to Forks in just under three hours, only because I was doing around ninety and the road was surprisingly devoid of traffic. No one was answering their phones tonight, except Alice, but it was too loud to hear anything, so I just sent her a text telling her I was on my way and to let Edward know.

When I turned into the block, I pulled in my driveway, quickly swiping a fresh coat of lip gloss on, fluffing my hair and popping in a mint on my tongue. Not that I had expected I would be doing any kissing tonight, but I always liked to be prepared, because with Edward, things were often unpredictable.

After excitedly sprinting down the block in heels, I managed to get to the Cullen's gasping for breath but in one piece. The party was in full swing, so I let myself in and I hung my gray peacoat in the foyer closet, right next to Edward's. A smirk spread over my mouth at how cute they looked next to one another all matchy- matchy and then I rolled my eyes at what an idiot I was for thinking such a dumb thing. Hey, at least our coats could touch.

Pushing my way through the very drunk crowd, and cringing at the sticky floors and red plastic cups littering the normally pristine rooms, I said quick hellos to some of the kids from school while I scanned the living room looking for Edward. I was hoping he hadn't seen this, because it would have certainly pushed him right over the proverbial OCD ledge. I couldn't find him anywhere, so I settled for the next best thing…Jasper, who was suctioned to Alice by the lips.

Alice threw herself at me, screaming exuberantly about how excited she was that I was on the lam. They were both pretty wrecked, but from what I was able to make out of their drunkenly garbled words, was that Edward hadn't been seen for a while, and was probably in his room. She sheepishly told me that she forgot to tell him that I was coming…she was too busy getting wasted and felt up by her boyfriend. Lucky, lucky girl.

Half of me hoped Edward was still up, eagerly anticipating the look on his face when I surprised him. The other half, wanted to crawl into bed and watch him sleep peacefully, touching his face reverently while he slumbered and wouldn't know that I took advantage of him in the most innocent of ways.

I spotted Rose and Emmett, engrossed in some sort of rowdy drinking game that elicited a whole lot of yelling, but chose to bypass them just to get upstairs. Rose waved like a lunatic and Emmett raised his glass to me in acknowledgement, while screaming, "Tink!" at the top of his lungs.

As I made my way down the hall, I approached Edward's half open door tentatively, my ears perking up at the distinct sound of arguing…two voices, Edward…and a girl.

A fucking girl?

My heart felt as though it abruptly and violently plummeted into my spleen, wherever the hell that was, sickening me instantly. I felt my ears grow hot as I approached the door hesitantly, wondering who in God's name he could possibly be arguing with and for what reason. Honestly, my first thought was that it was maybe one of the Skank Squad who had wandered carelessly into his room, and I totally was not in the mood for a beat down at the moment.

I never in a million years expected to see _her._

**~%~**

I fled.

Like the coward I was, in every difficult situation that I had ever been faced with, I ran away from it, unable to deal with the immediate confrontation, unable to handle the emotional turmoil within.

I knew what I saw…it made me nauseous and weakened, trying to wrap my head around the visual as I descended the stairs in a flurry of tears, fury, frustration and immense sadness.

I needed to get away from him. Edward was following me, calling my name as he flew down the stairs in my shadow. I only turned once, catching enough of a glance to see Edward's half naked body chasing closely behind, while Tanya, that fucking slut, stood at the top of the stairs, adjusting her shirt for all of Forks High school to witness. I knew what it appeared to look like from the outside…Edward had cheated.

But even through the agony of what I witnessed in that bedroom, and through the rage and humiliation, I knew by the tone of his voice when he spoke to her, by his body language and his reaction that he didn't _want_ her on top of him…he didn't _want_ her hands down his pants…but they _were._ And yet again, in true Edward Anthony Masen Cullen masochistic fashion, he had put himself in a position that was completely reckless and destructive to everyone around him, especially himself.

I pushed my way angrily through the crowded living room, having a déjà vu from the night at the concert, all the while chastising myself for being such a fucking coward and not dealing with the situation immediately inside. I heard someone call out my name… Angela I think, but at that moment I really didn't care.

Time practically stopped in the few seconds it took to make it from the stair landing to the door as every head turned and every set of eyes burned into me. I didn't have to look to know that they were probably more focused on Edward and his half naked body chasing after me. At least now the rumors were not going to revolve around him being gay. Good for him. He went from homosexual to ladies man in one fucking moment.

What I really wanted to do was turn back around and beat the piss out of that whore.

And kick Edward in his junk…with my pointy toed boots.

The heat of the tears stinging my eyes and the icy cold rain prickling my face felt so appropriate to the chaos of what I was feeling in my head. The pulsing ache in my chest was unbearable and though I wanted to keep running home, to the safety and comfort of my cute little house just a few hundred feet away, I couldn't make it. My physical body over ruled my mind and I doubled over, hands on my knees, heaving and trying to catch my breath, but failing and unable to feel anything except Edward's ice cold hands around my waist and his agonized words, "Baby please…."

Uncurling myself from my hunched position, wriggling out of his clutch, I whipped around and spoke the four words that I never thought would escape my lips.

"Don't…fucking…_touch_ me!"

His eyes went wide with hurt.

My palms flat to his chest, I pushed Edward away with all my anger as the driving force, causing him to stumble backward into a car parked in the driveway, not giving a fuck who saw, or what the repercussions would be from touching him…or in this case, manhandling him. He faltered, almost falling to the ground, but was able to catch and right himself avoiding further humiliation. The look on his face was a laughable mix of hurt, fear, incredulity…and shame.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Edward?" Without thinking, I stepped forward, pushing through my panic attack, pushing through the disturbing visuals of what I had just seen and pushing through the knowledge that my boyfriend had been doing coke with his virginity stealing whore in my absence. I smashed my palms into his bare chest repeatedly until he was backed against Em's Range Rover, having nowhere else to go. I was done running and apparently now so was he.

He didn't defend himself.

I had expected him to try to at least explain, try to tell me it wasn't what I thought it was, that I had inconveniently walked in on the wrong thing, but he didn't. He didn't offer an explanation; he didn't attempt to justify what he had done.

Stepping back from him, I caught a glimpse of his face in the streetlights. The pupils in his eyes were unbelievably huge and darting everywhere, unable to focus on me. Edward's jaw was tense and moving rapidly from side to side as he ground his teeth together audibly. He ran his hands through his rain soaked hair repeatedly, in that nervous way he did when he was stressed, only where I used to find it upsetting, I now found that it annoyed me in the most infuriating manner.

I was pretty certain that the audience we had captured in the living room was standing slack jawed texting like crazy about the scene before them. Just no pictures…I was sick of dealing with fucking pictures.

The residue of white powder that had been on his nose had now been washed away, the only trace of his sins remained in his huge eyes, his trembling limbs and his inability to say anything that would get him out of the mess he'd made. He looked so crazed, so desperate…just like a fucking cokehead looked when he'd been caught. I was repulsed by the sight of him…trembling and soaked, pants sticking to him and completely unable to make eye contact with me, all of his beauty and the unrestrained want I felt for him was lost in that moment.

"What?" I seethed. "You're not even going to say anything? God, you fucking disgust me!" My words carried surprisingly far through the noise of the downpour. Beads of water ran down my face, splashing into my mouth and then outward as I screamed at him on his driveway. "I have absolutely no respect for you after this. You are such a fucking disappointment. I couldn't wait to get here to surprise you and this is what I come home to? You with that fucking whore on your lap doing coke together? Who the fuck are you Edward? Who is this person I am looking at right now?"

His mouth opened and closed a few times, before his eyes darted briefly to mine and then he shut them tightly, turning away.

"I don't…I can't…fuck…I don't know…" he said, in a whisper, the words detached and ghostly.

But the faraway look that had been in his eyes, his lack of coherent verbalization and his emotionally void expression told me something was not exactly right.

"Bella…I'm not…" he shook his head, the trembling in his body increasing as he dropped to his knees, holding onto the truck tire next to him for support. "Oh fuck…." His head was ducked under him, but I could still hear the sharp intake of breath, which sounded like he had been underwater for too long and was gasping for air at the surface.

_Panic…._

I stared at him in disgust, not willing to offer him comfort or coddling when he needed it most, because he had just violated all of the trust I had in him. He didn't deserve the sympathy I had once held for him.

"You fucking lied to me! How could you? How could you do this to me? I've only ever asked you for two things Edward...stay away from her and don't do coke. You managed to destroy all of my trust in one fucking night!"

He shook his head rapidly, erratically heaving breaths and arched back pulsing as his hands supported his weight. His fingers ground into the gravel, the muscles in his forearms contracting as his arms trembled beneath him.

I sunk to the ground on my knees, ignoring his guilt and shame induced panic attack and put my face alarmingly close to his. So close my nose was within millimeters of his ear. He smelled of booze and...me? My lotion. The bitch had put on my lotion.

I sneered, "Was it worth it Edward? Was she fucking worth losing me over? Was the coke worth all of the fucking tears I've cried over you? You claim you love me...you don't do these things to the person you love!" He just shook his head rapidly, water dripping off of his hair, taking choked, gasping breaths.

I leaned in close again, speaking loud enough that he could clearly hear my words over the extraneous noises. It frightened me how angry I was, how I barely even recognized the person I had become, feeling as though a demon had possessed my soul, blackening it…saying these hurtful, horribly demeaning things to the boy I loved…to the boy that betrayed me.

"I…fucking…hate…you."

It was the most venomous chain of words I had ever said to another human before. I loathed myself for saying it to him, regardless of what he had done or how he had made me feel. But in that moment, I meant it. I hated him for what he had put me through, for how careless he was with my feelings...for what he had done to himself.

"I c-c-can't b-b-r-r-e-eathe," he cried, sounding more desperate than I had ever heard him.

It frightened me to the point that I shuddered.

Swallowing thickly, I sat back on my heels, wiping the water and gravel off my hands, staring him down, watching as he heaved and shook…feeling so fucking torn between what felt natural and what my head was prompting me to do. The pull to help him was crippling, drawing me to him because he needed me, but the anger at the betrayal I felt was holding me back at knifepoint, threatening to cut me if I dared help him. I didn't know what to do.

I learned that very moment that there was a fine line between love and hate. And love was stronger.

The immense love I felt for this broken boy superseded the anger that ate away at my insides, pride fully reminding me of what he had put me through. I ignored it.

"Bell-l-aaaaa…p-p-l-lllleeeease. Oh God…." The words slipped shakily off his tongue just before he twisted to the side, vomiting violently onto the driveway. Without further hesitation, my steely resolve melted away with his words. I held his trembling shoulders as he continued to vomit repeatedly, choking on his own emissions.

"Edward…is this…normal? How much did you do? How much did you drink?" I asked softly, knowing that vomiting after doing drugs wasn't typical unless he had taken an inordinate amount. I tried to keep the panic out of my voice as to not scare him, though I was shaking in fear myself.

"N-n-not that much," he replied in a raspy voice, still hunched over and heaving deeply. "Some s-s-s-hots and a b-e-e-er." He was shaking so badly that I couldn't still him with my hands.

_Were these signs of an overdose? God, why did I stop watching Grey's Anatomy?_

"How much coke, Edward? How much coke did you do?"

He muttered," I don't k-k-know…enough."

In sheer desperation and panic, I grabbed my purse, rifling through it for my phone.

"I'm calling an ambulance." As I began to dial, he grabbed my wrist turning slowly to look at me, the first time he made steady eye contact. His eyes were terrified.

"N-nooo, p-p-please. It's just a p-p-p-anic attack. No hospitals please." It went against my better judgment, because he was the last person I was about to trust. But he was shivering, out in the freezing cold and I couldn't tell what was environmental or internal.

"I'm c-c-c-old…s-s-s-o fucking cold."

"Shit." I huffed, not thinking clearly, as I hooked my arms underneath his, lifting him up to stand. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I hurried him through the pelting rain, not even daring to go back the way we came. Though for a very brief dark moment, part of me wanted to parade his pathetic, drowned rat ass in front of the school like a living breathing (or in this case labored breathing) PSA on drug abuse.

_Look at Edward Cullen, kids…drugs are bad. Just say no._

Instead, I ushered his still trembling body up the back staircase supporting his massive weight, trying not to gag at the rancid stench of vomit on him. I knew I should have gotten him medical attention, but I honestly don't know why I didn't insist on it. I was scared, I guess, and stupid...very fucking stupid.

"She better be the fuck out of your room or I'm gonna put her ugly face through the goddamn door," I mumbled. Edward groaned in response while I grabbed my keys from my purse, jingling them to locate the one he'd given me to his back slider.

"Why the hell isn't the light going on?" I mumbled, wondering why the motion sensor light wasn't illuminating the balcony like usual. Edward braced himself against the house, sagging a bit with his eyes tightly shut as I struggled to open the door. Once we were inside, he collapsed to the floor, leaning with his back against the bed, shaking harder than ever. My mind went blank, first in relief that there was no longer any trace of the virginity –stealing whore, and then clearing any thoughts but the ones that persevered to help Edward get through this…whatever the fuck he was dealing with. I still had a nagging feeling that I should have thrown him into my car and driven him to the hospital regardless of what the repercussions were, but I just didn't want to make a huge case out of this, if it was nothing but a panic attack. But, God if something else should happen…I could never forgive myself.

I flicked on the switch to his fireplace, feeling the immediate heat as it roared to life, while I went to the bathroom to retrieve dry towels and a wet, soapy washcloth to wipe the vomit off of his skin. I almost slipped on the tiled floor in my haste, so once I draped a towel over his head rubbing gently to dry his dripping hair, I pulled off my destroyed boots and tossed them in front of the fire to dry. He was shaking so badly, holding his arms tightly and rocking. Edward's teeth chattered audibly along with breathy gasping sounds. I cringed when I noticed his lips held a slightly purple tinge to them.

I searched the closet for his pajama pants and a thermal shirt, thinking that would be the warmest option. I grabbed a shirt for myself, and my yoga pants from his tee shirt drawer that I remembered I had left here a while back. My eyes darted for a moment to his couch, instantly igniting the rage again, but I chose to snuff it back down until I could properly face it at a more appropriate time. Just as I was about to put his shirt over his head, he covered his mouth, scrambling to the bathroom making it to the toilet in the nick of time.

I draped the fallen towel over his shoulders again to retain the warmth while he clutched onto the toilet, hurling in rough, painful sounding spurts. I was at a loss, not knowing what I should do, just trying to remember what my mom did when I got sick.

When Edward seemed done, I wiped his mouth and face down, kneeling beside him. I gave him some mouth wash which he used generously and then spit into the toilet. He still couldn't look at me, but as I tenderly dragged the warm rag down his neck and chest he whimpered a soft, almost inaudible, "Thank you." Somehow, I knew it was meant for a lot more than cleaning him off.

Edward managed to get himself back into the bedroom on his own, while I gathered his dry clothes, sitting in front of him. It was so weird having my body on autopilot, as I touched him everywhere necessary without hesitation or thought or fear of consequence. This was for necessity, not pleasure.

And for the few seconds that he was completely naked after I pulled off his soaking wet pants, I didn't even think dirty or inappropriate thoughts at the sight of his peen or his ridiculously glorious body that called to me. His skin was so blisteringly cold that he didn't flinch when my freezing hands slid up his thighs and around his butt as I pulled up his flannel pants and tied the drawstring. As soon as he was dressed, I changed into dry clothes and tugged him onto the bed wrapping us both in his comforter.

Edward immediately curled into my side, laying his head just over my breast, wrapping his legs in between mine, and clutching the hem of my shirt in his tightly clenched fist. He continued to tremble, even as I rubbed his back, and slid my fingers through his damp hair trying to be as soothing as I possibly could. He smelled like soap and shampoo and my lotion, a heavenly combination, if only for another reason.

Every so often, I would ask him if he was warm enough or thirsty or generally okay, and he would shake his head yes or no, not answering me with words. I asked him if he wanted me to put on music to drown out the garbled shit that was seeping through the walls from downstairs, but he shook his head, quietly whispering, "Please don't leave me."

It broke my heart.

It was only when we could hear the distinct sound of piano tinkling over the thumping of the music that Edward stiffened, and pressed his face into my chest with a groan while tightening his grip on my shirt. The tinkering with his piano stopped as quickly as it started and Edward relaxed again.

I wanted so much to talk to him, to ask him all of the questions that were floating aimlessly around my head, but I knew he wasn't capable of answering. And while I was cuddling with him and stroking his hair and face tenderly out of sheer necessity, I couldn't shake the anger that I had set aside. It was still there, still festering in my brain, lashing at me for even giving him this much of myself, after he took everything away from me.

A few hours passed and Edward's shaking subsided substantially, but his hand continued to fist around my shirt and he sniffed like every thirty seconds, a clear side effect from the drugs. I tried to not allow it to annoy me, but for that relentless thirty-second cycle, it was another reminder of the reason why he was doing that. Occasionally I would look down at him thinking he had fallen asleep, but he was still wide eyed, staring at nothing in particular, saying nothing to me.

I wondered what was going through his mind. I wondered if he even had a clue as to how what he had done would affect his life, if he felt guilt or shame, or even remorse, and I wondered why he allowed himself to succumb to the allure of it. I remembered how he looked at the Halloween party when it was offered to him, and then later how he admitted that he wanted it badly. I suppose it never went away, the craving and the desire to let it take you from wherever bad place you are. I understood that, though I couldn't fathom being so attracted to something that would cause me to do such reckless and stupid things.

Well, maybe I should reconsider that statement. Because certainly I knew what it was like to be so attracted, so inherently enamored, engrossed and encompassed by something that I'd been willing to cast everything aside for…only my drug was another human being, and the addiction was my love for him.

I spoke aloud before even realizing I was doing it. "Edward? Did you buy the drugs?"

He shook his head no, closing his eyes.

"Did Tanya give them to you?"

He shook his head yes and I stiffened.

_That fucking cunt._

"Did you ask her to bring it, or did she just have it?" I had no idea why the fuck she was even here. I mean, Edward could have asked her to come to the party. He was in Seattle earlier that evening. I wondered if he picked her up, if she intended to stay the night…if it was planned or spontaneous. My thoughts were assaulting my mind with questions and scenarios, trying to brain wash it into thinking terrible malicious thoughts.

His voice almost startled me. It was inaudibly low and raspy…sad. "She had it and asked me if I wanted some. I told her no at first, but then…I was so fucking depressed, I thought it would… help…." he shook his head. We were both quiet for a while again, when I asked him how he was feeling. He whispered that he was thirsty and he needed to pee.

With my phone in hand and a promise to return immediately, I headed down the back staircase that led to the kitchen, stopping half way down to dial Charlie's number. I wasn't about to blow my curfew or his trust on the first night that I was free, so I felt obligated to call him, praying that he wouldn't be an asshole about me staying out for the night.

I explained what was mostly true…that I was at a party, the only person sober, and my friend was sick, so I was spending the night to make sure nothing happened. He asked no further questions, but I could tell in his wavering tone that he was slightly suspicious. Before he hung up, he told me he loved me and that he trusted me. It cut me a little knowing he said those things when I had omitted some very key elements, but really, I couldn't have left Edward by himself here in his shattered state with no one sober to watch over him. That would have been reprehensible on my part, regardless of what he had done to me.

That was what I kept telling myself, anyway.

At the end of the stairs, I came to a dead halt when I realized that I wasn't going to be getting in and out of the rowdy, crowded disaster of a kitchen easily. Rose and Alice assaulted me with questions, because obviously the rumor was that Edward had chased me outside half naked and we were fighting, but it seemed that Tanya's involvement hadn't really been noticed.

I brushed their inquisitions off as I made my way to the fridge to grab a large bottled water, knowing the story was too long to tell and I was certain that Edward didn't want everyone to know what he had done. I promised I would talk to them later the next day, because I needed to get back upstairs to Edward, just telling them that he was sick and leaving it at that. But as they were giving me drunken girl hugs and professing their undying love and devotion to me, it was then that I saw _her_... leaning up unassumingly against the sink talking to Mike Newton.

My throat suddenly went dry and I shrugged the girls away, shoving the water into Alice's hands as I stalked forward with a motherfucking vengeance.

I honestly didn't know I had it in me, though I could definitely identify where it came from. I mean, I had never been in a fight, and had always looked at those girls who tore out hair and scratched faces while screaming profanities as…well, classless, embarrassing and shameful. A _lady_ would never do such a thing.

However, as I got closer to Tanya, she raised an expectant eyebrow…fucking challenging me. And the cracking sound of my hand colliding with her face was surprisingly satisfying. So much that, in an attempt to satiate my thirst for vindication, I hit the other side of her face knocking her drink all over her…all over Edward's shirt. I watched with a grin as the two red handprints slowly crept over her cheeks while her face twisted in horror.

Now_ that_ was fucking fulfilling.

I wasn't astute enough to avoid her retaliation, as her hand came up and shoved me angrily as she screamed, "Who the fuck do you think you are hitting me?"

I pushed her right back, proudly standing my ground, but unfortunately, Emmett had scooped me up into his arms, while Rosalie, caught Tanya around the neck, gripping her ponytail so that her face was titled upright. She whispered something in Tanya's ear as she struggled under her vice-like grip. Rose was such a badass. I was kind of jealous for a second…if not a whole hell of a lot grateful.

"How dare you?" I screamed, not allowing her to scare me, especially taking advantage of the fact that she was being held down. "How fucking dare you give that shit to him when you know he had a problem?" My teeth were gritted and I felt beads of sweat gather on my brow. All the movement and activity in the kitchen had come to a complete halt, all eyes turned on me. I felt the panic begin to choke my chest and throat, but once again, I stuffed it back down not allowing it to suffocate me. My heart was pounding, my whole body was electrically charged with adrenaline.

"You are such a naïve little girl. Edward's a big boy now. He can handle himself. What are you trying to do…be his mommy?" She smirked, wincing and cursing when Rose snapped her ponytail back.

"Fuck you, you stupid whore. Do you give a shit at all about him, or do you just want to get him high and fuck him?" Audible gasps could be heard for miles.

"Oh please. You have no idea what you are even talking about. I love him like a little brother. I'd do anything for him, and he feels the same way about me." She sneered, obviously thinking she had the upper hand here.

"Really? You'd give coke to your little brother when you known he has a drug problem, and while he's been drinking and on prescription medication? You are a real doll, Tanya."

"Oh fuck you!"

"What the fuck Tanya...you gave him coke? Is he okay?" Emmett asked as he turned to me in a panic.

"No, he's completely fucked up. And it's completely her fault." I pointed my finger at her accusingly, while Jasper shared a quick glance with Emmett and bolted up the stairs. Then everyone was yelling at Tanya, calling her an asshole and other lovely derogatory names. I felt terrible for outing Edward so publicly, but I wasn't thinking straight at the time.

While she was being verbally flogged, Emmett pulled me aside, asking me what had happened. I gave him the abridged version of the story as I walked in front of him up the stairs. We found Jasper and Edward on the bed both sitting cross legged. Edward was hunched over, with his face in his hands, while Jasper rubbed his back affectionately. E's eyes lit up when he saw the water, his hand reaching out as I handed it to him. In several audible gulps, he drank almost the whole bottle while we watched in awe.

Then, while his brothers talked quietly to him for a bit, I gathered all the wet clothes, putting them into the bathroom hamper, and straightening the bathroom just to keep busy as well as to keep him from obsessing over it. I hung up the shirt I had given him for Valentine's Day, which was lying on the bed, wondering why it smelled of my lotion. When I realized that she had likely been wearing it, I kicked it under the bed angrily and resumed cleaning up, tossing shit around, dumping the full beer bottles into the sink. Edward's eyes never left me.

When I had finished reconstructing the room, I scrubbed a hand over my face, wanting to sleep as the waning adrenaline eventually tapered off.

Jasper and Emmett stood then, giving Edward man hugs and ruffling his hear playfully. Before they left, Jasper paused asking, "Do you want us to stay?"

I smiled meekly, sighing. "No thanks, I uh…I have to do this myself." They both thanked me as I shut and locked the door behind them.

I clambered onto the bed, ducking under the covers, as Edward immediately assumed his former position at my side again. He was no longer shaking, but he looked like pure shit…pale, tired, drawn…spent. As pissed as I was at him, I still devoured the feeling of him molded into my side, his legs and feet entangled with mine, his hand now tracing patterns on my stomach where the shirt had ridden up. I could have stopped him because it was a very intimate moment, but I didn't want to because, not only did I love the way it felt, but I knew that it was going to end eventually.

We didn't speak a word to each other. I had the feeling that Edward wanted to say something to me, but couldn't find the words or maybe it was that he was too exhausted to explain, and it went without saying that I was too emotionally drained to listen. I thought our remaining time was better spent silent anyway.

I wanted to treasure the moment despite the fact that it was so severely tarnished. It was only when I felt my shirt suddenly warm that I looked down, and noticed that there was a large wet spot on the fabric underneath his face. I thought he had fallen asleep and snotted or drooled on me, but when I realized it was in fact tears, I felt compelled to do something. It was in my nature to offer him comfort when he was sad. I couldn't deny this to him or myself one last time.

I slid down so that we were face to face, our noses barely touching, much like we had done on the night we shared our first, "I love you's", the night we were to be married. I let my fingers trace the trail of his tears down his cheeks, over his closed lids, over the bridge of his nose, against his quivering lips and chin.

I tried to remember all of the many beautiful moments of the past six months, not the one night that ruined it all.

With closed eyes, he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry," and I just nodded, pressing my forehead into his. I brushed my lips against his ever so softly, so barely touching…so intimate. But the act this time as I pressed my lips to his, tasting slightly salty from the tears, it was entirely different for me.

This time, I was saying good-bye.

I watched as the tears tapered off, and his lids shut, eventually allowing sleep to take him. I snuggled into him linking his fingers with my own, intertwining them for the last time.

When I woke the next morning, the reality of what had happened sunk in quickly and I knew if I didn't leave immediately, I would probably never have the courage to go. I placed a reverent kiss on his temple, slunk out of bed and gathered my things without looking back. I was almost in the clear when I heard the sheets rustle and Edward's raspy, sleep wracked voice.

"You're leaving?"

I bit my lip, looking away from him and nodded minutely.

His voice grew an octave higher. "Are you coming back?"

I shook my head no, casting my eyes toward the floor. I couldn't look at his face.

"Bella?" His voice was high pitched squeak. I realized that he thought since I had stayed last night, that he assumed he was forgiven.

"I need to go, Edward.

"Please, please don't leave." He was sitting up, grabbing a fistful of hair.

In an act of closure, I slid off my ring and placed it on his dresser top. It made a tinny sound when the two silver bands clinked together.

True Love Will Wait.

Did it really? Did it really wait?

Edward got off the bed, stumbling toward me, his eyes so full of pain that it made my heart hurt. "No, no please…put it back on, Baby, put it back on."

I swallowed thickly, holding back the tears that had been begging to come since last night.

"I can't. I... have to go."

Then I shut the door, leaving him standing in the middle of his room alone.

**~%~**

The tears poured out of me like an open faucet as I loped home through the misty morning air. I discarded my clothes, letting the warmth of the shower soothe and comfort my body temporarily. After I dressed in comfortable clothing, I sent a text to Emmett and Jasper, telling them that I left and that they should keep watch on Edward for the day. Valentine's Day. Ironic that I would be spending it alone after all.

Then I popped a Xanax and a Zoloft, shut off my phone and slept.

I dreamed of trying to dial a phone that was missing keys, frantically pressing buttons but never getting through. I woke up frustrated and irritable, knowing that there was a very deep meaning behind the seemingly random dream.

I slept so long that when I woke up it was dark outside and I was ravenous, but had no appetite. I had several missed calls, mostly from Rose and Alice, one from Charlie telling me that he was checking that I got home okay, and that Maggie said "Yes." I smiled a little, but couldn't bear to call him back. Rose and Alice were hounding me to let them come over to talk. I sent them both texts saying that they could come over after their dinner plans or whatever they had going on for Valentine's Day. I didn't want them to have their nights ruined because of my sadness.

Edward hadn't called and I was glad.

They showed up around nine, with an ugly stuffed monkey clutching a heart and lots of hugs for me. Rose stood in my bedroom doorway shaking her head.

"Al, she's listening to Taylor Swift surrounded by a million candy wrappers. It's worse than we thought." Though she was joking, the sight of them dressed up so pretty and smiling sparked up the tears again. They both laid in bed with me, as I cried, listening to the whole story rehashed, even though they had heard it from Em and Jasper after Edward had already told them everything.

It hurt to talk about, especially since I wasn't certain what had happened between Edward and Tanya. I was still holding onto the piece of me that believed it was just playfulness that had gotten out of hand. The question wasn't whether he loved me. It was whether he loved me enough…and I was terrified of the answer to that.

"Em said Edward was in his room all day, sleeping. They checked in on him every few hours and then he eventually came down just as we were leaving to dinner. I think he thought we'd already left because I know he wouldn't have wanted anyone to see him like that. Bella…he's so fucking broken. He couldn't even look at us. He sat at the table and pushed a spoon around in a bowl of cereal with tears in his eyes. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen. I mean, I am so pissed at him for being such a jackass but still…." Rose, stroked my hair. I didn't know how to respond to it.

Alice added softly, "Just for the record, Jasper said that Edward insisted that he didn't cheat on you. He said that Tanya thought he was all hot for her, when he just wasn't. I kind of believe him, Bella. I've seen how Edward looks at you. I don't think he would ever cheat on you, especially with that twatwaffle."

I sighed a small breath of relief hearing that, though it wasn't nearly enough to placate me. I had thoroughly convinced myself that he didn't cheat, that his blatant display of displeasure with her on his lap was enough for me to see that what he had done wasn't to deliberately hurt me. I was still so angry at him.

"Speaking of twatwaffles…" Rose's voice beamed. I wiped my nose with a tissue and looked up at them both grinning.

"What?"

"After you went back upstairs, Alice here, went all fucking Tasmanian Devil-Mighty Mouse on the bitch's ass. I mean like full on hair puling, scratching, name calling cat fight. It was fucking epic!" Rose giggled, giving Alice a high five, while Alice just beamed. She blew on her manicured fingernails rubbing them on her dress nonchalantly.

"My first girl fight…didn't leave with so much as a scratch. The Skank however…is gonna need some Band-Aids. Oh and maybe some Rogaine. So sad."

I laughed for the first time in what seemed like forever and God did it feel good. The laughter turned into guffaws and then hysterics as Alice described in detail the events of the Skankorific beat down. But it didn't last.

They left, and shortly after, my phone rang with Alicia Key's Love Is My Disease…Edward's ringtone. As I silenced the ring with a very heavy heart, I thought about how I needed to replace the song immediately.

I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't bear to hear him apologize one more time, and I couldn't handle the shaking in his voice when I knew he had been crying. I needed time.

I spent the next day thwarting phone calls from Edward. At one point, he even came knocking at my door, begging through the other side to let him in. My knees buckled and my heart sank wanting to open the door and let him back in my life…not that he had ever left it. But I stood my ground, swiping tears away from my face on the other side, sliding down the door until I knew he was gone.

After that he sent multiple texts.

**I love you.**

**I miss you.**

**Please talk to me.**

**I can't take this anymore. Please. Please call me.**

Knowing I needed some strong advice, I took a deep breath. Not knowing where else to turn, I called my old therapist in California. My experience with Dr. Greene was cut short when I moved, but I trusted her and I knew she would keep whatever I told her confidential.

So I told her everything.

And while she remained for the most part impartial, and kept her voice even toned and professional, she had a daughter my age and I just knew that my story hit home emotionally. She gave me a great deal of excellent advice, most of it I didn't particularly want to hear, but needed to regardless. The stuff about how I had been enabling him and influencing his inability to touch me by encouraging it, kind of pissed me off, even though she was right. But the one piece that stuck with me was that Edward needed time to heal…alone. She said he never should have had a girlfriend in the traditional sense, knowing it would be so difficult for the both of us to deal with abiding by the restrictions. And I already knew that fact a long time ago. I suppose he did as well, considering he was always so eager to remind me that I could go at anytime.

And so now, after all the times he told me that I didn't have to be in this relationship, that I wasn't the one stuck in the shitty situation and he was…I was the one to leave in the end anyway. Because as much hell as this was for him, it was for me as well. Having Edward as a part of my life, as the biggest, most intense part of my life was taking its toll on my mental health and well being, particularly my rise in anxiety. I knew for a while that what we were doing wasn't healthy, but I chose to ignore it because of how much I needed him and how much I thought I was helping him cope. God was I wrong.

He told me repeatedly that I was the only thing in his life that made him happy, yet my presence in his life was the one main thing that was making his anxiety and depression worsen. And knowing this, knowing how much being together was hurting both of us, I had no choice but to let go. I had to let him go.

I knew I would have to face him eventually and that my ignoring him was probably killing him, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words in person because I was so afraid to back out. One look in those mesmerizing green eyes and I was his. But I was scared to let go…scared to live a life without him in it. And I was too fucking scared to see his face when I told him that it was over, and equally as afraid when I had to face another day without him.

Back at school on Tuesday, terribly depressed and edgy, I was petrified having to face Edward after I'd been so childishly avoiding him. But after his absence in fourth period, I felt immense relief in knowing that he had stayed home. And then guilt, because I was most likely the reason he didn't show. But the most fitting description was that I felt disappointed, because as much as I had wanted to prolong the inevitable, I still longed to see his face. There wasn't a second that went by where I wasn't thinking about him, wishing he were here, and then thankful that he wasn't. But bottom line was that I missed him, and I knew that would never change.

But at lunch, Jasper just told me that he was really down and not feeling well enough to come to school. It wasn't hard to figure out that he not only didn't want to face me, but all of the people gaping at him from the party as well. I didn't blame him for not coming to school, as I wouldn't have wanted to come either.

Angela asked if I wanted to help her with the bake sale that afternoon, and I agreed almost eagerly, knowing that anything was better than being by myself, having to deal with Edward's absence. The day dragged on, and finally, after gym, she and I drove to the supermarket to pick up baking supplies needed to make a million frigging chocolate chip cookies. The thought of the cookies made me tear up; reminding me of Edward's sweet lunch, but Angela cleverly distracted me, changing the subject every time. She told me that since she and Ben had been together they had broken up three times, once for about three months and she was miserable. She was teaching me how to cope, and I whole heartedly appreciated it.

My mind had been occupied temporarily with a story that Angela was telling so emphatically, so much that I didn't even see Esme approach. She hugged me beaming, and I couldn't help but reach out and touch her protruding belly. She was huge compared to the last time I saw her. It occurred to me by her nonchalant behavior that she had no idea what had happened.

"Edward's here somewhere," she said, waving her hand casually and looking around.

_He was here?_ _In Ron's Food Mart?_ _With his mom?_

I swallowed, looking at Angela for help, when out of nowhere; Edward rounded the corner, slowly pushing a grocery cart. He froze when he saw me, his eyes widening and his mouth opening a little. He adjusted the brim on his baseball hat, obviously uncomfortable in awkwardness of the situation. My heart went wild, thumping hard in my chest, thankful for Angela's presence.

I was sort of stunned at his appearance…he was dressed in sweats and a gray hoodie I had never seen before under his open coat. Edward _never_ left the house in sweats, even to run to get cigarettes. By the look of the thick blondish tinged stubble on his face, I was guessing he hadn't shaved since Saturday, and his eyes were puffy with prominent dark circles underneath.

"Hi," I said first.

He shuffled his feet before he responded simply, "Hey."

It was so awkward.

Esme promptly said goodbye, excusing herself to finish the shopping, leaving the three of us standing there in this weird alternate 'Edward wearing sweats in the grocery store with his mother and not having shaved' universe.

"I'm gonna grab the eggs, Bella. I'll meet you back here?" she hedged, wanting to give me time alone with him. I grabbed her arm roughly, forcing her to stay and support me.

"Are you going home after this? Can we talk?" he asked quietly, his voice almost pleading with me. God, his eyes were so sad and marble gray like my dismal mood. "Please?" he whispered.

"I have to do this bake sale stuff with Angela now, but…I'll be home around eight or so. I'll call you, okay?"

He nodded tentatively with a small smile. Hope? Had I just given him false hope. This was killing me slowly.

Angela and I waved goodbye, paid for the cookie ingredients and then I cried all the way to her house while she gave me encouraging words of advice. I dreaded this with all that I had.

When I pulled into my empty driveway at five minutes after eight, I wasn't all that surprised to see him sitting on my front porch swing with a cigarette in his hand. He wasn't allowing me to back out of this or extend it any more. He had changed into jeans and a shirt, but he still wore the baseball hat on his head and the skin on his face was now smooth. I noticed that he was wearing a necklace tucked under his shirt…it was just a thin black leather cord, but I had never seen it before. His eyes were red and puffy…he'd been crying. My baby had been crying.

_Keep your resolve, Bella. Be strong._

He stood when I approached, wordlessly following me into the house.

I sighed, talking a seat on the couch, drawing my knees up to my chin. He sat on the opposite end of the couch, leaning forward on his elbows.

"How do you feel?"

"Honestly, like shit," he sniffed. "My parents found out what happened tonight. My father laid into me…and my mom…." he trailed off, shaking his head and licking his lips.

"They want me to see a drug counselor or some shit."

I inhaled and let out a long breath.

"I think that might be a good idea," I said, cringing. He snorted, rubbing his hand over his eyes.

"Whatever. I don't have a drug problem, okay? I was feeling like shit and I missed you so goddamn much so I did it to feel not so fucking depressed and it was fucking stupid. It won't happen again. Ever."

"That's good to hear." I didn't entirely believe it though. "I didn't mean what I said the other night."

"About what specifically, Bella? You said quite a lot of things." He turned to me, clearly confused.

"I don't hate you. I was really angry with you, but I don't hate you."

"Why did you stay with me Saturday night?" he asked, staring at me with confusion. His voice had a hard edge to it, like he was angry.

"Because…I couldn't leave you there alone like that. You needed a friend, so I took care of you."

"A friend?" he scoffed. "Is that what you are now…a friend?" He looked away shaking his head. "Well, if I didn't tell you before…thank you." He sighed. "Listen, I know you probably won't believe this, but the thing with Tanya…nothing happened, I swear to God on my life. She climbed on my lap trying to get the shit from me and I don't know, she thought I was like, coming on to her or whatever, but I fucking wasn't in any way. And then you walked in…it just looks so bad. I would never cheat on you, Bella. I love you…so fucking much," his voice broke at the end. "I would never hurt you like that."

_You already did._

I steeled myself for the hurt that was about to come. "Edward, aside from what happened Saturday, I think we just need to take some time away from each other. I think that us being together, or trying to be together because we can't is just too much for us right now. I went through an entire bottle of Xanax in a month when it usually takes me six months to get a refill. It's just…red flags, you know? I feel like the universe has been telling us this is wrong from the very beginning, and now, I think I believe it."

He slid down closer to me, grabbing my hands in both of his…desperate, so desperate.

"Bella, this isn't wrong…we can fix this. We've been through so much together and I know we can do this. We can go to counseling or something."

I looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious? You want to go to couples counseling? We're sixteen…dating six months and we haven't even had sex yet. If we need couples counseling, don't you think that says something is very wrong here?"

"I think we have a fucked up relationship, because we're in a fucked up situation. I'm dealing with it the best I can. Okay, maybe Saturday night wasn't the best way, but I want to fix it, Baby, I need to fix this. I know I can somehow, just please let me try…." He brought my hand up to his mouth and kissed it.

"I don't think anything can be fixed right now. On the night that you told me you loved me, you made a promise to me Edward, that you wouldn't do coke and you broke it. I can't…I can't forgive you for that betrayal. Not right now."

He looked at me from under his lashes. "Bella…. I never promised you anything. I said I wouldn't do it, but I never _promised_."

I pulled my hands away from his grasp and gritted my teeth. "So, what? I am supposed to let this go on a technicality? You should be forgiven because of semantics? Edward, are you serious?"

"Fuck, Bella…I know I was wrong, okay? Tanya shouldn't have been in my room. I told her to leave and she did, but then she came back. I don't know how to fix this. Fuck, I don't know how to do anything right. I feel like I just keep fucking up over and over and disappointing everyone that loves me, and I can't stand the thought of you not trusting me."

"Well, I don't," I whispered. "She touched you. Her hand was in your pants, Edward." I looked away, disgusted at the instant visual it gave me. It would take years to burn that image form my memory.

"Please, Bella. I know what I did was really fucking wrong, but I have to find a way to make it up to you. Please let me make it up to you. Please?"

"Edward…I don't even think it's about that anymore. You need to be by yourself right now…figure out this stuff on your own without having a relationship to complicate what you're going through. Having me in your life is making you so depressed that you are doing reckless things just to cope, and I can't sit by and watch you do things like this, knowing I have contributed to it. I just can't." I tear slid down my cheek. Without hesitation, Edward wiped it away with his thumb.

"So, you're breaking up with me for my own good, is that it?" he asked with furrowed eyebrows. His voice cracked with disbelief.

I shrugged. "And mine. This is too much for me to handle right now. I feel more anxious and frustrated than I did back in California, and I came here to get away from that. The bottom line is that I have happily and willingly given up so much to be with you, and you disregarded my feelings to satisfy your own immediate wants and needs. But we're kids, Edward. And I don't think a relationship should be this much work. It should be fun…and I'm not…having fun."

He held his forehead in his palm, suddenly snapping his head up. "Who have you been talking to?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, taken aback by the brusqueness of his tone.

"A therapist? _My_ therapist? I know you didn't come up with that yourself. That's what a fucking shrink would say!" He snapped at me. I knew from what I read on the internet medical site that moodiness was one of the side effects of coming down from a binge.

"Are you saying that I'm too stupid to figure that out by myself?" I asked angrily.

"God…fuck, Bella… no…I'm sorry. I'm just edgy, and that totally sounds like something Dr. Kate said to me a while back."

"See? She agrees with that too." He scowled at me. "I spoke to Dr. Greene back home." Edward's eyes widened in fear. "I didn't tell her your name or anything and I trust her to not report you or anything, so don't worry. I just needed someone professional to talk to, and she thinks we should take a break. She says this isn't healthy for us, to be torturing ourselves like this."

His eyes narrowed. "So that's it? We're done?" I watched his throat bob as he swallowed, tears welling up in his eyes.

I exhaled, looking away. A fat tear streamed down my cheek, landing onto my shirt with a splash.

_Oh God, oh God…just say it._

I took a deep breath and released it slowly as another tear streamed down my cheek.

"Yes."

Edward gasped. "Bella, please don't do this. I love you so fucking much and I don't know how to _be_…without you." A choked sob came from his throat. He looked at me with such desperation, just trying to hold onto whatever he could. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. I never thought it would be like this. I never imagined the pain would hurt so much.

He sobbed into my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him so tightly. "Edward, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you." For a second, I thought that maybe, just maybe we could do this. Maybe I could forgive him and we could work this out, but then the image of Tanya on his lap flashed through my mind and I knew it was the best thing. Edward needed to get his shit together before I could even think of trusting him again…if I ever could.

"I hurt you…I'm always hurting you. I thought over the last few days that you just needed time. I wasn't prepared for you to leave me like this. I can't imagine that tomorrow I'll wake up and you won't be my girl." I pulled his hat off, laying it on the couch beside me, so I could run my fingers through the back of his soft, messy hair. He nuzzled my neck, leaving hot tears on my skin and quiet sobs that I would never ever forget the sound of for the rest of my life.

It was a long time before he pulled away. I didn't let go and he didn't retreat, the both of us afraid to lose that last physical treasured connection that tied us together. It didn't escape me that the most we'd ever touched in six months was over the past two days…when we were breaking up. That was really rather fucked up.

Edward finally did pull away, wiping his hands over his face and putting his hat back on.

He stood up, putting his hands awkwardly in his pockets.

"I don't know what to say right now, Beautiful," he whispered in a shaking breath. My heart ached at the use of my nickname. "I don't want to go… I don't want to leave you…."

I stood, not really wanting him to go either. All of my hopes and dreams and my love was walking out that door with him, and I wanted to drag him upstairs and snuggle with him forever until we were old and gray.

"You know I love you, right?" I said looking up at his broken expression.

He nodded, quietly adding, "I'm so sorry for disappointing you."

That was the last thing he said before he left.

I shut off the lights in the living room and watched Edward slowly walk home through the front window. Once he was out of sight, I changed into pajamas, washed off my face and got into bed, cradling the framed photo of Edward that was on my nightstand. I kissed the picture, and then slid it to the back of the drawer, unable to look at it any longer.

_Dear God,_

_Please watch over Edward and give him whatever he needs to heal. _

_Please…give me the strength to get through this._

_Amen._

That was the last night I spoke to God.

**~%~**

* * *

**I know you all probably think that Bella let him off too easily, but this is her nature. There was no way she could have left him on his driveway like that, no matter what he did. And the breakup was just hurting her too much to continue being angry with him. She had to make peace with it, before she could let him walk away. **

**I promise you there will be an HEA.**

**Xoxoxo **

**EBT**


	33. Chapter 33 Alone

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**High Anxiety **

**Chapter 33~ Alone**

**I wish I can hear your voice  
And so leave me alone in this bed  
I wish I could touch you once more  
And so leave me alone in this bed  
Not tonight, not tomorrow**

**I've got the feeling that this will never seize**  
**Living in these pictures**  
**It never comes with ease**  
**I swear that if I could make this right**  
**You'd be back by now**

**Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars**  
**He knows he owes me a favor**  
**It doesn't matter where you are**  
**You'll be mine again**  
**Framing Hanley~ Alone In This Bed**

**~Edward~**

Darkness.

The darkness following the days after my coke binge was fucking monumental. I honestly didn't know how I would get out of its clutches, or if I even had the ability to do it on my own. I stopped taking my antidepressants, because I knew it took a few days for the coke to deplete from my system and after what had happened Saturday night, I was fucking scared to death of what could happen to me if I continued to take them. Because, I never, ever want to go through that shit again…ever.

I was perfectly content sleeping the demons away, biding my time wrapped in my tangled bedding that was bathed in Bella's scent which I couldn't get enough of. I was just numb with disengaged thoughts that I never imagined my brain could conjure up. Every single part of my body hurt, as my system recovered from the damage I had done to it and from the severity of the panic attack that left me out of commission for days. I was fucking starving, but I had no appetite. Not that I could even keep any solid food down or quench my insatiable thirst because the anxiety that was wracking my body was debilitating.

It was what I imagined Hell being like only with less expensive sheets.

I had been in bed for three days, only getting up to eat sporadically, take a piss and shower once. Yeah, I was not only wallowing in my own pool of self pity and depression, but my own filth as well. Obsessing over not showering and specifically, not shaving, gave my brain a deterrent, a distraction from thoughts of Bella and why she refused to talk to me. My stomach twisted in knots, gnawing at me incessantly, not knowing what was going on with us or where I stood after what had happened. My phone lay in my bed next to me, as I waited anxiously for it to ring. It never fucking did. Sometimes I would check to see if I accidentally turned the ringer off, but I knew better. She said she fucking hated me.

Bella left the ring. The symbolism of her leaving that on my dresser as she walked out was crippling.

I rolled her ring up the length of my pinkie, spinning it, feeling the deep engravings of the words embedded in the metal surface, trying to decipher the meaning of it all. It clinked against my own ring, the sound soothing and constant- two of the things that she represented for me now gone with her. I kept the box of her crap beside me, touching each memento, trying to relive each memory in my mind and in my heart. I tried to remember how the soft curves of her body felt the few times I had touched her, the way her skin tasted when I kissed her, the scent of her hair in my face, how beautiful her laugh sounded when I said something funny.

She stayed Saturday night with me but then she left first thing the next morning… Did she just need time to herself to understand? But she took care of me…she loved me. She loved me still, right? Could you love someone and hate them at the same time? Could she still love me after what I had done? Did she understand what had really happened?

These were the thoughts that rolled in my brain, over and over and over again...never letting me rest, never allowing me a moments peace. Though I supposed I deserved the torture.

I remembered her distinctly telling me that if Tanya ever touched me again that we were done, and I took it seriously, which is why when I was with Tanya in my room, I made a careful, conscious effort to stay away from her. Bella never forbade my friendship with Tanya; she just didn't like the idea of Tanya having any kind of physical connection with me when she couldn't. And I got that, I truly did. But when Bella said we were done, essentially ending what we shared for my own fucking good, I couldn't help but dwell on the fact that she left me in my darkest hour, rather than focusing on the big picture of _why_ she did it.

I couldn't stop the thoughts…like a cancer eating away at my lifeline…at my soul. I couldn't stop obsessing over her.

It wasn't until Tuesday afternoon when my parents had gotten back from their trip, that Esmom came barging in my room, complaining that it smelled like shit in there and checking my forehead to see if I had a fever. After she Fabreezed the shit out of me, and the then she found no fever, she insisted in irritation that I shower immediately and help her with the grocery shopping because she couldn't push the cart packed full of groceries for a family of five. I strongly protested this of course, but her fucking guilt trip and persistence won out and I couldn't take her nagging anymore. Besides, I really did need a shower.

Of course, because of my fantastic fucking luck, we ran into Bella… standing there looking at me like I had ten goddamn heads as I stood awkwardly gaping back at her. My heart lurched. I needed to hold her, I needed to feel her around me arms and her warmth against my face. I felt this unrelenting magnetic pull toward her, my body desperate and craving hers, the love I felt for her stronger than ever. And the shame was…crushing. I was so ashamed that I hurt and betrayed my sweet girl. My chest hurt and my stomach rolled angrily at the thought of it.

She couldn't even look at me.

A week ago, she couldn't take her eyes off me.

When she agreed to talk to me later that night I was so relieved that we could finally resolve this, yet I was so fucking anxious to know how it was going to play out. I was too scared to take anything to relax my frayed nerves so I just stuck it out medication free …and I was fucking miserable. My hands were shaking and I was sweating like I had just run a mile. I couldn't figure out if it was just nerves or the drugs working their way out of my system.

My mom badgered me all the way home from the grocery store, asking what was going on with me and Bella, wanting to know way I hadn't shaved, because I never went a day without a clean face. I denied anything was wrong, just telling her I didn't want to discuss it with her at the moment. But she was my mom, and she knew something was wrong, because I never kept shit from her. Plus she had that goddamn sixth sense mom radar thing going on. I usually gave her watered down, edited versions of the truth, but I really never hid my problems from her. How the fuck was I supposed to talk to her about this?

I helped her bring the shit inside, trying to do it as fast as I could, just to get the fuck out of the kitchen to avoid the tension that she was unknowingly causing. Just when I thought I could escape, Em and Jasper came casually strolling in and my mother took the immediate opportunity to pounce on them.

"Can one of you please tell me what's going on with your brother?" she asked, as if I weren't in the room. I gave them both looks that warned them to keep their fucking mouths shut.

They both shrugged their shoulders and ransacked the full grocery bags. She snatched the food away from them insisting they needed to tell her immediately. She stood there with her hands on her hips threatening to ground everyone until graduation. This five foot four pregnant woman needed a job with the FBI, because let me tell you, she could break the most hardened criminal with her Super Mom powers. I wonder where she kept her cape?

"Edward and Bella broke up," Jasper said simply, with a mouthful of food.

_Motherfucking Traitor._

"Yeah, I got that. What happened? Bella couldn't even look at Edward in the store. What did she do to you, baby?" My mom looked at me with such pity.

After removing my baseball hat, I sat down at the kitchen table laying my head on my arm in defeat and cowardice. I had no shot in keeping this to myself, and it was just a matter of time that it got back to her somehow or another, especially with her super powers and all. I was surprised Tanya's mom hadn't called her yet to bitch about the fact that her daughter had bald spots on her head from what I had heard Alice had done to her. I was actually sort of proud of Bella for slapping her. I mean, Bella was mostly passive, so I assumed she must have been really pissed to actually assault another person.

"Just tell her," I mumbled in resignation, steeling myself for the wrath to come. "I can't do it."

"Really, E?" Jasper asked skeptically. In nodded into the table bracing myself.

He huffed, leaning against the kitchen counter while my mother's ears perked up in interest. Em kept his head down, preparing for the fallout.

"Bella walked in on Edward and Tanya doing coke together. Tanya was like, sitting on E's lap and she stuck her hand down his pants and shit. Bella saw the whole thing and then E had this big ol' panic attack on the driveway and the next morning Bella broke up with him. There's puke in the shrubs." He said it so fast I could barely understand him and I was fucking _there._

It was insanely quiet for a minute, so I took a quick peek out of the corner of my eye. My mother's face was blank. Then she frowned cocking her head to the side, as she resumed pulling out items from the bags. "Fine, don't tell me. Just keep me in the dark and I'll leave you alone…"

"Ma, he's serious," Emmett chimed in softly, looking up through his eyelashes.

My mother stopped what she was doing and stared at me.

"Edward?" Her voice shook. "Is all of that true?"

I buried my face in the crook of my arm, feeling the cool wood of the table surface against my nose. "Uh huh."

She took five really slow steps forward, her heels clicking on the tile floor and then she leaned over and braced herself on the table.

Her eyes bugged the fuck out of her head. "Excuse me? What did he say? WHAT DID HE SAY, EDWARD? What the hell are you thinking?" Her hand was suddenly in my hair ripping my head off the table. "Look at me!"

"Ow…fuck ma," I whined as she had the top portion of my hair in her death grip.

"You're doing cocaine again? Edward Cullen how _dare _you? How could you do this to yourself? After everything you've been through. After what the family has been through you go and do this again? With that slut?" I stared at her in disbelief. My mother never said bad shit about anyone, particularly her best friend's daughter. She was fucking pissed.

"Are you sleeping with Tanya? How could you cheat on Bella, Edward? She's been so good to you and god knows she's been patient and…and Jesus Christ you ran away to marry her a month ago and now you are doing coke with Tanya? How could you do any of this?" The shrillness of her voice shuddered through me as I cringed at her words. "I am so disappointed in you…more than I ever have been in your sixteen years."

My chest tightened at her words. I didn't respond with anything other than a sigh.

The sudden addition of my father's voice startled me. "Hey, hey, hey…What's all the yelling about?"

Fuck my life. I didn't even know he was home.

"What's going on guys?" he asked expectantly, as he kissed my mom on the cheek and patted her belly before bending down to kiss it too. If I wasn't so fucking miserable I would have thought the gesture was sweet, but at the moment it was too fucking Leave It To Beaver for my liking.

In that angry, shrill mom screech, my mother repeated everything to my father. I stayed still waiting for whatever was to come. I was betting on at least a month's worth of grounding and possibly taking my car away, worse case. I had no desire to leave the house anyway, so it didn't even concern me.

My father approached the table quietly. "Edward look at me right now."

I pulled my face from my hiding place and met his eyes. They were dark and angry. "Did you…" His fists clenched and he paced, searching for the appropriate words. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I startled at his reaction. My dad didn't curse often, but when he did, we knew it was because he was livid over something.

"Cocaine mixed with antidepressants can cause a stroke, Edward. A fucking stroke… Did you ever even think of that?"

"He was drinking too," Jasper added casually, like the fucking douchebag that he was. I glared at him. "What?" he shrugged. "You were."

"So were you, dickhead. Or did you forget that?" I shook my head, playing with my hoodie sleeve as I turned back to my dad. "Honestly, I didn't think of anything that night but wanting to not feel so depressed."

Carlisle sighed angrily as he paced in front of the kitchen table. "So then you were all drunk? And there were a houseful of underage kids here?" He nodded his head in affirmation, ready to fucking explode. "Godammit…what the fuck are you jackasses thinking? All it takes is one person to get in an accident on their way home from my house and who do you think gets sued? _Me_. So everything I have worked for, to give the three of you good lives will be gone in the blink of an eye. Unfucking believable." He continued to pace back and forth muttering incoherently as we all kind of glanced at one another with questioning eyes. How the hell he knew there had been a party was beyond me, because I knew damn well that the place was fucking spotless. Maybe dads had a sixth sense too.

My father pulled the chair out next to me and sat with his elbows on the table stewing in his anger. Then his voice softened considerably. "Edward…I know what you've been going through is extraordinary, and I can't imagine what you are feeling right now but these are things you have to think about before you act! Do you want to end up in a wheel chair at sixteen years old, having your diaper changed because you can't control your own bodily functions? Because that's what can happen with a drug induced stroke, I've seen it before. You are an intelligent young man, why…why would you do something so reckless?"

"I told you. I knew it would make me feel good. I'm fucking tired of feeling like shit all the time."

"I want you to stop taking the Lexipro immediately. You need to go on something else, because that was probably causing an adverse effect. Why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this?"

"I don't know, Dad," I whispered, looking away from him. "I don't fucking know anything anymore. I haven't taken the meds since Saturday. I was afraid to."

He shook his head again. "You just stopped taking the pills? You have to wean off of them, Edward… you can't just stop…" he growled, rubbing his temples.

My mother came and sat next to him with her hand over her mouth. "Have you been sleeping with Tanya?" She spat out her name like venom.

"No, ma. She and I…have a sort of…history and she came here to see you guys, but we were just hanging out upstairs. She thought I wanted to fool around and…God I fucking hate talking about this!" I slammed my hand on the table, causing them both to jump. Things had been so intense that I hadn't even noticed that Em and Jasper had left the kitchen.

"A history? Have you had sex with her?" My father asked softly. I nodded shamefully. "More than once?"

"A couple of times on the Hawaii cruise." I cringed, embarrassed at having to talk about my sex life yet again. The last time I had to rehash the gory details was the night after the Charlotte incident and that was fucking horrible.

My parents exchanged a glance and my father muttered, "I knew it. I fucking…knew it! Tanya is very promiscuous._ Please_ tell me you used protection."

Rolling my eyes and rubbing my forehead, I muttered, "Of course, Dad. I'm not that stupid."

"Edward you were fourteen on that trip. _Fourteen._ Jesus Christ! You guys were still watching Sponge Bob cartoons in the mornings in our state rooms. Was that your first time…with a girl?"

I looked up to the ceiling and scratched my chin. This fucking sucked balls.

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah," I groaned. "Jasper was with Irina too."

_Fuck him…_

Both my parents gasped and my mother rambled on about them being older and so slutty that they would take advantage of young boys. I left out the part about us being drunk, not wanting to give her an aneurism… not the best thing for a pregnant lady.

Things got even more awkward and quiet for a while, and I just really wanted to get the fuck upstairs to shave and shower again, before I went to see Bella. My stomach was in knots.

"Here's what's going to happen. We'll start you on another antidepressant in a few days once your system is clear of any substances. Then, you are going to see a drug counselor."

"Dad, no. Come on," I whined. "I don't have a drug problem. I did it because it was there and I felt like shit and for two hours I felt great, okay? It won't happen again. Bella won't speak to me because of it, and the massive shitty hangover I have had for three days is punishment enough. I will never touch it again. I promise." I truly, truly meant it this time.

"I don't give a shit what you promise, Edward. This is the second time in eighteen months. I will not allow you will not destroy yourself with this, you will not destroy this family with this bullshit. Do you understand? Don't think I don't know about the pot you've been smoking too. I'm not fucking stupid. I chose to ignore it, because you're a good kid, and I think there are worse things you could be doing, and now you have clearly crossed the line. You have too much potential to be getting dragged down by this shit. Besides the fact we have a baby coming in four months and I can't be worried about you being a bad influence, or even worse having to worry about you doing something to harm yourself."

He put his hand up. "And before you say anything, I am well aware that your brothers aren't innocent either. Mary Brandon told me there was a party here Saturday night. Were you involved at all with that?" There was no way in hell I was telling him that I purchased the booze. Hopefully, my big mouthed brothers wouldn't mention that.

I shook my head no. "Well, your brothers will be punished for thinking they could get away with it. They will be lucky if they see daylight anytime soon." He looked at my mom and shook his head. She was crying silent tears.

"Me-Me… what do you think we should do?" he looked at me intensely. "Short of grounding you to keep you in the house where you can be supervised, I am at a loss here. Do we have to give you weekly drug tests?"

"No, Dad." I scrubbed my hand over my face. "I swear to you that it was a onetime thing. I haven't smoked pot in over a month and Saturday was the first time I drank anything in a while either. Trust me on this…I am done…I'll never touch coke again."

"I don't know, Carlisle. I think Edward needs another therapist. Dr, Kate is obviously not doing anything for him."

"No!" I protested adamantly. "I'm not going through the fucking story all over again, please don't make me have to start over. Please?" I had tears in my eyes again. They came so easily now, taking almost nothing to set them loose and I couldn't hold them back anymore. I hated not having control of that emotion. It was terribly fucking emasculating.

My mother slid off her chair and knelt in front of me, pulling both of my hands into hers. "Edward this isn't a punishment. You are so depressed and just….not yourself. I can't watch you disintegrate like this again."

"Mom…" I didn't even know what to say to her because I wanted to feel better soon too. I couldn't take much more of the darkness.

Carlisle spoke then. "I want you to see a drug counselor. They can help you understand how to stop the urge before you get too far in. It's not an option here, Edward. I think this is more than situational depression, I think it's clinical and I don't have the expertise to diagnose that, but I think you should be seeing a psychiatrist."

"But Dr. Kate…"

My father interjected. "No, she's a social worker, Edward. She can't prescribe meds or officially diagnose medical conditions. This isn't going away. Obviously."

_Why the fuck am I calling her Dr. Kate then?_

I shook my head, because as much as I didn't want to see anymore shrinks, I needed more significant help and I knew it. I knew I needed to get better. I wanted to stop feeling like shit all the time and I was at the point that I would do anything to not feel like I did when we moved here.

"Just tell me where to go," I said. "I'll do whatever you want."

My father leaned over and hugged me tightly as my mom laid her head on my lap. It was the first time I had seen him cry in years and it crushed me that my situation had brought him to tears yet again. Though my mom was clearly disappointed by my actions, she still was capable of showing me unconditional love. I need that so much at that moment.

"We love you very much Edward and all we want is for you to feel good again."

"I know that," I said pulling away from their embraces. "I…I'm going over to Bella's in a little while to talk to her. Is it okay if I go change?" They nodded, and I got up, wiping away my eyes. Halfway up the stairs I heard my mom sob loudly.

"I don't know what to do for him. I don't know how to help him get better," she cried. "I don't know how to take all his sadness away."

"I don't know either, Love."

That there, gave me very little hope.

**~%~**

It was after three am and I still hadn't been able to fall asleep. My head was splitting at the seams, the massively painful migraine caused by stress, anxiety and crying for the last three hours. I had my phone beside me again, waiting for Bella to call with an epiphany that she was wrong and she wanted me back. But I knew that she was serious. She loved me, but she wanted me to get better on my own, so she fucking abandoned me when I needed her the most. I had never in my life felt so lost and alone, filled with shame and regret and just wishing I could start over. I just knew that this was rock bottom and hoped to God I could only get better from that point.

Not knowing where to turn, or how to soothe myself, I did the only thing I knew was not going to hurt me or anyone else. I prayed.

_Dear Jesus, or God…whichever one of you is listening. I'm not sure who's in charge of prayers, so I'll address both of you._

_I know I don't do this often, well… ever, but I am kind of at a loss here. Bella does this, and she seems to find peace with talking to you, so I thought I would maybe see if you could help me out. I'm not asking for any special favors or like, a big miracle or anything because I know I don't deserve it right now but all I am asking for is some help here. A little something to just help me cope for a while. I understand if you can't, I honestly do. But in the meantime, could you keep an eye on my family, especially my mom and the baby, and please make sure Bella is safe now that she doesn't want me to protect her anymore and please make sure that she knows how much I love her, and how much I will always love her no matter what._

_Thanks. Oh, um Amen._

If the depression didn't kill me the migraine would first. I was incredibly nauseous and dizzy when I rose off the bed, my vision was splattered with silver speckles. Finally, not being able to take the pain anymore, I went down to my parent's bedroom for some relief. I knocked softly, hoping they wouldn't get pissed for waking them both and asked my dad for something for my headache. I felt really bad for waking them up, but I had no choice.

While my father groggily retrieved some painkillers from his locked cabinet, my mom told me to lay down with her so she could rub my temples. I happily crawled into bed with her, feeling so small and safe with her as I soaked up her affection and love which, as the shitty son I was, didn't deserve. I couldn't think of anything but the pain in my head and the persistent ache in my heart and I probably would have cried some more if I hadn't been completely dried out. After I took the pill, my dad fell asleep on the couch in their sitting room while I occupied his spot on their huge bed.

"I am afraid to ask what happened with Bella tonight," she said softly.

I shook my head, trying to dispel the lump in my throat as I played with Bella's ring that now hung from a leather cord around my neck, close to my heart.

"She's done. She needs me to get better or whatever by myself."

"Oh sweetie…" she crooned softly, stroking my hair.

"She left me, Mom."

"I'm so sorry. I know this doesn't help at all, but I honestly think it's for the best. It's one less thing you have to worry about now, and maybe without always having her to remind you of what you can't have, you can work on dealing with the emotions you're experiencing. I know it's shitty, hon."

My mother continued to rub, the action highly soothing and beginning to abate the migraine, though none of the blinding pain took away the reality of what I was facing. My chest was so tight with grief, it hurt to breathe. I didn't know what to do, or how to feel other than acute sadness. How could Bella do this? I wasn't disputing that I totally deserved it, but I never thought she would leave me…we were too halves of a whole and without her, I felt like I didn't even know who the fuck I was.

"You know," she said softly, rubbing her fingers in circles around my temples and then pressing her thumbs firmly into my jaw line. "When you were little, you hardly ever cried. Even as a baby, you were always so happy and content. And as you got older, you would fall off your bike, or your brothers would lock you in the hamper or something and you never shed a tear. You were always so controlled even back then, always so strong."

"You trying to say I'm a big fucking baby now?"

"No, I'm trying to tell you that it's okay to cry. I believe it takes strength to show your true emotions, and what you are going through has to be …incomprehensible. It's okay to cry, baby. It's okay to show that you're sad. Things will get better soon, I promise. I promise…"

**~%~**

I didn't go to school for the rest of the week, knowing I just couldn't handle being around people or scrutinizing eyes for a little while. Jasper got all my assignments, which weren't much, but I asked that I just be given this time to get my shit together. I knew if I saw Bella I would probably lose it, and I couldn't been seen crying in school. It was all I fucking did lately- cry the shit out of myself. Since I had met her, it seemed that all I did was shed an inordinate amount of tears. My emotions were so fucked up all the time with just trying to figure out what to do with the situation and how to handle everyday tasks without falling to pieces.

I hated the fact that I couldn't hold it together, and that it just made me feel weak and useless and much less of a man. That's why when my father brought home a schedule of local youth drug counseling sessions, I teared up, begging him to forgo this stupid idea. He was adamant about me participating for a few weeks, at least until the new meds kicked in and he could see if they were working. He was afraid of a relapse, regardless of the fact that I gave him my word there wouldn't be one.

He now saw me as a drug addict, someone who he looked down upon and couldn't trust. It fucking killed me.

And of course, Bella never called. Not even a text.

Jasper said the she asked Alice to ask him about me when I didn't show up at school. It pissed me off that she couldn't just ask me herself, but deep down it also thrilled me that she still cared about me to want to know if I was alright. At least, when I felt I had nothing else, I had that…anything at all to hold onto was better than nothing. Hope suddenly had become my favorite word.

My brothers had received three weeks grounding each, a ton of extra household chores and had to spend time volunteering at the hospital. However, they were given a temporary reprieve to go to the Kings of Leon concert, because my father hated the idea of the wasted money on those tickets. They were acting like little bitches about their punishment, instead of accepting it like men. It was pretty funny that on Friday night the three of us were forced to sit at the kitchen table after dinner for Cullen Family Game night. We did it as kids, but once we hit our teens, it had stopped because our social lives took priority over our quality family time. My mother felt we had grown apart in the recent months and wanted her family to be closer.

Honestly, I wouldn't admit it out loud, but I liked it a lot. It kept my mind occupied from wondering what Bella was doing and who she was doing it with. My biggest fear in her leaving me, was that she would inevitably find someone else to be with that could give her a normal, healthy relationship- one that I couldn't provide, one that she truly deserved. Watching her with someone else would surely be the end of me then, and I couldn't even entertain the idea of it, without my thoughts turning to a place that was very, very dark.

Much to my consternation, I ended up taking the group session that was held on early Saturday mornings, as a suggestion from my father. Afternoon sessions would interfere with baseball practice which was starting in a few weeks. I still hadn't made a commitment to it as of yet, but I thought that if I were to start getting my life back under my control, that playing ball again was a damn good way to help make that happen. And maybe if Bella could see that I was trying, she'd be more apt to want to reconsider her decision. I was holding on to threads here, grasping at anything I could. I knew it was pathetic, but there was no other way for me to handle it differently. I wanted her in my life, and I was fucking pissed that she had no desire to be.

Saturday morning, I headed into Port Angeles to the address on the confirmation sheet, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I was really nervous for some reason, and I didn't want to be there at all, but I figured if it appeased my father than I would just suck it up. Hell, it actually may have even helped some. My mind wandered restlessly back and forth thinking about what Bella might have been doing. Her car wasn't in the driveway when I left this morning and the thought of her getting drunk and being with another guy enraged me. Again, I had slept with the phone placed on my pillow, like I always did just in case she should call or need something from me in the middle of the night. She didn't.

It was basically how you see the shit in movies, like when a character goes to AA or whatever…big open room, folding chairs set around in a circle and a table off to the side spread with donuts and coffee, as if that was supposed to be helpful in any way.

The door was open, and I entered the room hesitantly, not entirely knowing what to expect. There was only an older guy about my dad's age, rifling through some papers on a table. He looked up with a genuine smile, then narrowing his eyes through his glasses as he tried to distinguish my face. The chairs were empty and a quick glance at my watch told me I was as always, exactly on time.

"Edward, right? Randall." He held out his hand for me to shake. I took it automatically, politely shook it once and grimaced awkwardly. He gestured to the empty chairs. "This group tends to be a little...unenthusiastic about getting here on time." He shrugged his shoulders with a small apologetic smile. "You can sit anywhere you like. Help yourself to coffee or whatever,"

I muttered, "Thanks," and sat tentatively in one of the nine metal seats choosing one that faced the door. I didn't like the idea of having my back exposed, but at the same time, I didn't want to sit right across from Randall because that would give him direct access to my eyes, and if I had to make eye contact, I would have to talk. I learned that immediately when I was in that stupid fucking boys school in Chicago. They made us do these group sessions to talk about our_ issues_ and _feelings_ and _emotions_. I hated every fucking second of it. Oddly enough, my _feelings_ had not changed a bit since then.

By ten after eight, the rest of the group filtered in, looking stereotypically degenerate with their obvious hangovers and red, tired eyes. I wondered if any of them had even bothered to shower, and then I felt completely overdressed in designer jeans and a gray button down over a tee shirt, because most of them were in wrinkled, grungy clothes that I was betting were either slept in or picked up right off the floor. The room suddenly reeked of stale cigarette smoke with a faint hint of musty vagina.

I chastised myself for being such a fucking snob, realizing that whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was here for the same reason as they were, which regardless of their outward appearances, did not make me any more or less than any of them. Apparently, cocaine wasn't a picky drug. It didn't care if it was snorted through a one dollar bill or a hundred.

Randall greeted everyone, asking each of them to introduce themselves to the newest member of the group. I refused to make eye contact with any of them as they stared me down in obviously scrutiny. I nodded curtly, "Hey, I'm Edward," and let Randall do his thing.

The guys in the group were generally between fifteen and eighteen, all of them with attitudes that screamed, I don't give a fuck, and appearances to match. I didn't say a word, other than to introduce myself, but I listened to these guys instead. We played some stupid, unnecessary breaking the ice game, solely for my benefit. Then they all proceeded to tell stories of what they had done, and what they wanted to do and a how a few of them got blown out the previous night and felt no shame about admitting that to the group. The only requirements that Randall had was that everyone be respectful of one another, everyone was to allow someone else to talk on their turn and that we try not to showboat or glamorize the drug related issues that we were having.

I hated every minute of the shit and I knew immediately that I was not at all like them. I was not fiending for drugs every minute of the day, I did not wake and bake, I did not get so drugged out at parties, that I couldn't remember how I got home. I wasn't one of them, and I resented being there amongst these guys who lived their lives to get high.

I lived my life to just feel fucking normal, as though I even knew what that meant anymore.

When the session ended ten minutes early, we all walked outside the building together in a cluster, every one of us pulling out a pack of smokes. A few of the guys left with either a curt nod or wave and the rest of them hung out front, presumably waiting for their rides. I lit my cigarette as I crossed the street, thinking about Bella again. I realized when I pulled away that they had all been staring at me, and the first thing that went through my mind was that they were all eyeing my car as potential drug money, should they ever need to break in and steal my shit, or the car itself. I could almost hear the remarks about the "poor little rich boy."

Fuck them all.

I spent the rest of the weekend holed up in my room, playing video games, fucking around on my guitar and waiting for the phone to ring, like an idiot. It wasn't until later on, when I knew she would be changing that I headed outside, shutting the motion sensor light off and resuming my seat against the house. I was out there a while before I saw any movement, growing increasingly irritated and anxious. I knew she was home alone, so where the fuck was she? All I wanted was a little glimpse of her…not necessarily naked, just anything I could get. I missed her so fucking much that I would have done anything just to be close to her.

"Come on, B…where are you?" I whined, craning my neck in vain.

"Bird watching again, Edward?"

The words startled me, so much that I actually jumped and threw my hand over my racing heart as my head hit the siding. "Jesus fuck Rosalie! What the hell?"

"Sorry. Maybe I should make my footsteps louder next time, so I can warn you when I'm coming as to not disturb your _bird watching_." Her sarcastic intonation of the words and narrowed eyes, immediately cued me in to the fact that she knew...she fucking knew exactly what I was doing out there.

"Yeah, that would be good, thanks," I snapped, as she passed me. What the fuck was she even doing here? Em was grounded. I loved the strict enforcement my parents put on their kids. No wonder we were all fucked up.

"Fucking perv," she muttered under her breath. That was the moment I knew I was fucked, but wouldn't understand the full extent of said fuckery until later on.

**~%~**

When Monday morning arrived, I was a nervous wreck, almost nauseous with anticipation and anxiety of seeing Bella for the first time in six days…a fucking lifetime. I paid extra attention to my hair, and wore the cologne she had gotten me for Valentine's Day, dressing in her favorite outfit. I slipped on the hunter green tee shirt over a thermal, pulled on dark jeans and black boots. She loved the color on me and told me that it made my eyes look crazy green. I needed her to be reminded of what she once saw in my eyes… intensely full of love for her.

I honestly didn't know what I was thinking, that dressing, smelling and looking a certain way would entice her to forgive me and change her mind, but I had nothing to lose. It was more or less the powerful need for her to have constant reminders of me as I was a firm believer of "Out of sight out of mind," as opposed to those that held onto the "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," theory. I was determined to not allow her to forget me for a fucking second.

However, on first glimpse of her that morning, standing in the parking lot with her back to me, I could see by the new boots she was wearing and the brand new purse slung over her shoulder, that she was blatantly trying to send me a message. Not only did she not want me, but none of the gifts I had given her were welcome in her life either. She was going out of her way to forget me. What a fucking slap in the face that was.

I parked my car, glancing in the mirror, feeling my stomach turn when she doubled over in laughter as she continued to converse with Angela. She seemed fucking fine. She looked beautiful as always; hair perfect, flawless makeup on her face, new boots and purse to compliment her outfit. She didn't look tired, or as though she had been crying or sad or even moved at all by the departure of me from her life. I couldn't fathom why not. I mean, was it so fucking easy for her to move on? Why was I wallowing in all of her memories when she was completely fucking fine forgetting all about mine?

Maybe I should have been happy for her, that she wasn't enduring the same caliber of misery that I was, but under the circumstances, I couldn't bring myself to feel anything other than anger.

I shut the car, glaring at her back, as I slung my bag over my shoulder. Before I even took a step, Jasper had slipped in between my car and the one parked next to it, putting a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from passing.

"What's up?"

"Listen, Bro. I uh … I heard some shit about Bella that I thought you might want to know about first hand instead of hearing about through someone else." I gritted my teeth, bracing myself for whatever the fuck it was that he had to say about her. As if I needed this shit.

"What Jazz, spit it out."

"I heard that she was at the movies last night…with a guy. No one knows who he was, but he was older for sure."

I shook my head, trying to swallow back the giant lump in my throat. "That's fucking great." Another fucking guy? I felt like I was going to be sick.

"I'm sorry Edward."

"Yeah…thanks." Instead of hanging around to let the news of Bella's dating rankle my stomach any further, I pushed past him, stalking in Bella's direction. Angela quietly alerted my presence to Bella as I approached, but as she turned to make eye contact with me, I brushed past her without so much as a glance in her way.

I heard Bella yell my name loud and clear, but chose not to acknowledge her, all of the anger in me too overwhelming to address what I had just heard and seen. I was so pissed at her, but more than anything, I was so fucking hurt.

She called my name again, her heels clicking on the pavement as she jogged to catch up with me. I walked faster.

"Edward, stop please!" she breathed, finally giving up the chase.

With my teeth gritted, I turned and growled, "What?"

Her mouth hung open as I snapped at her. I couldn't even look at her long enough to meet her eyes, which I knew damn well were hurt by my brusque tone. Fuck her.

"How…how are you?" she asked quietly.

I stared at her incredulously. "Really? How am I?" I snapped sardonically, seething at her audacity. "I'm fucking amazing, how are you?"

"I'm…"

Before she could even get the words out, I cut her off.

"You're perfect as usual, I see. Nice fucking boots by the way." I turned, stalking toward the school.

She began the chase again. "Edward…will you wait a frigging second!"

"What do you want Bella?"

"I want to know if you are okay. You were out the whole week and I was worried about you…"

I fought back the churning in my stomach and the bile rapidly rising in my throat. "Do you want to know how I couldn't get out of fucking bed this week because the thought of facing the reality of a day without you crippled me? Do you want to know how I spent my Saturday in drug counseling with fucking losers and degenerates only to realize that I am just as low class as they are? Do you want to know that I miss you so fucking much that I spend every night with my phone by my pillow, hoping that you'll call telling me that you can't live without me? Is that what you want? Will it make you feel better when you're rejecting the gifts I gave you and going to the movies with another guy…what, a whole fucking week after we break up?"

Her mouth opened and closed as a single tear streamed down her cheek. She swiped it away with her sleeve and I couldn't feel any remorse for my words. She could have fucking gutted me with a knife and it would have hurt less. I knew I was wrong, but I just couldn't admit it to myself.

She tried to explain, but I put my hand up muttering, "Save it. I don't want to hear it. Just go about your life as though I was never a part of it, like I never even existed. Whatever works for you, Bella." Once again, I walked toward the front entrance, now crowded with students as the first bell was about to ring.

She closed her eyes, shaking her head. "I can't believe this. After what you did, you're pissed at me...at _me_?"

I ignored her, shoving my way inside, very carefully avoiding any of the female population. That was not at all how I envisioned the day starting off. By fourth period, my ire hadn't waned a bit, and I was still stewing in my own pot of fury.

Fourth period English was relatively easy. I kept my gaze locked on the blackboard, and when we read from Romeo and Juliet, I kept my eyes on the book. In my periphery, I could see her glancing at me periodically, but I did my best to ignore her. As the bell rang, I had my shit packed up and I was out of the classroom like lightening, knowing that we always walked to class together. I couldn't deal with not being by her side. Instead of going straight to the cafeteria, I slipped out to the handball courts, directly across from the cafeteria doors, to smoke a cigarette. It calmed my nerves a bit before I headed inside only to see that Bella and Rose had switched seats, so that I no longer sat next to Bella at our round table.

_Must have forgotten to use my cootie spray this morning._

I chuckled darkly paying for my lunch which I was in no fucking the mood to eat and headed to the table. Without so much as a glance at any of them, I tossed my tray on the table, only acknowledging Jasper and Ben's greetings. The girls stopped talking momentarily to stare at me, when I forcefully thrust my chair out with a scrape, plopping down angrily. Bella pushed her chair back with a sigh, putting one leg up onto the chair while giving Alice one of those looks in code that only females had the ability to crack.

The tension at the table was palpable. Conversation died down to a dull murmur until all the girls stood up in a huff, packing their shit up and storming out the doors.

I watched Bella retreat with a faint sense of remorse at driving her away. Our lives were so intertwined with her best friends being my brother's girls that our encounters were inevitable, and likely going to be frequent as much as we would try to avoid each other. It was only day one and already I was pretty much done.

In Bio, Dr. Banner gave us a quick demonstration of the DNA lab and then had us get to work. Instead of partnering up like usual, we did our work separately, not uttering so much as a cough to one another. She made her DNA model in solitude, jotting down notes as she went along. I noticed that she had one of the stupid K-nex toys that we were using positioned in the wrong way, but I made no effort to help her. If she wanted to be alone, then I was leaving her the fuck alone.

Instead, Dr. Banner pointed out her mistake, and simply acknowledged my model as perfect. I gloated silently smirking in satisfaction when she glared and huffed at me.

When the bell rang, I let her go first, so that she could walk on her own to cooking. I now had completely regretted joining this with her and wondered if I could get transferred out into wood shop or something. We moved to our kitchen stations without a word, and when Bella began to toss shit around, I walked over to Mrs. Miller, asking her for the bathroom pass. I then spent the rest of the period in Jasper's study hall, bitching to him about what was going on. I made it back with ten minutes to the bell, leaning against the counter with the cool indifference of James Dean after smoking a joint.

Bella glared at me, tossing the plate of what looked like crepes onto the counter in annoyance. "Thanks for helping," she snapped.

"Yeah well, I'm just not in the mood for this shit today, okay?" I looked away, staring at Ben and Angela laughing and flirting as they fed each other their creation.

_Fuck them and their perfect relationship._

She shuffled her feet in front of her, wringing her hands, a clear indication that she was nervous. In a very small voice she said timidly, "I went to the mall after work yesterday because I was feeling really shitty and shopping usually makes me feel better. I didn't mean to hurt you by getting the boots and the bag, it wasn't meant to insult you. And then I ran into Billy's son as I was getting into my car, and he asked me to join him at the movies. I didn't want to go home to an empty house, so… I went."

_Aaaaand I'm a huge fucking douche._

"Did it make you feel better? The shopping?"

She closed her eyes, shook her head, and took a ragged breath. "No."

"Good," I snapped. I grabbed my stuff of the table just as the bell rang, and stalked to gym feeling like a huge asshole for treating her that way.

I knew damn well it was shitty to do that to her, but it was a hell of a lot easier to be mad at her than to be falling at her feet begging for her forgiveness, as I had been the night she told me it was over. And right then, I needed something…anything that was just fucking uncomplicated. My love for her was the only thing left that was simple and pure and she didn't fucking want it.

The next day, I continued to ignore her, as she did the same thing to me. We didn't look at each other, we spoke no words to one another and lunch and cooking class were highly fucking uncomfortable, but we survived. It was hard as hell. I could tell though, just by the way Bella held her chin up indignantly and the way her bottom lip quivered, that this was extremely hard for her. She didn't want it to be this way. I think she genuinely thought we could be friends, and pretend that there had been nothing between us. As if I would ever allow her to fucking forget that. I didn't understand how you could love someone one day and not the next.

I was torn between feeling guilty as fuck for doing this to her, while making her feel any kind of additional sadness and between feeling wholly satisfied that she was experiencing the same pain that I was. However, I was never actually pleased with causing her undue pain. It hurt me to hurt her, but it was easier than letting her inside where it ached the most.

That afternoon, I went straight from school to Port Angeles and decided that I needed to take the step that I had been so afraid to take. I knew I was at the point where I just needed to have a little faith, because honestly, I had nothing else to lose.

So, putting my complete trust into the fact that Dr. Kate assured me she wouldn't tell anyone my secrets, I spilled everything to her. I cried, I got angry, I threw stuff…I told her about the coke and the breakup…I admitted that Bella and I were intimate, that we touched, we kissed, that she gave me oral sex once. I even confessed that initially we kept our intimacies restricted to masturbating in front of one another, which was fucking mortifying to say out loud, but Dr. Kate seemed completely at ease with my admissions. She even put down her pen and pad, choosing not to document anything I told her, which I had to admit was a definite help in allowing me to trust her. The session went on so long that she cancelled her other scheduled appointments so that I could continue.

I left her office feeling emotionally worn, ravaged and weak, but lighter somehow. I had purged all of my secrets and confessed all my lies to the person I trusted the least, and it actually felt damn good. I had started on a new antidepressant, and that combined with feeling a little less burdened was almost euphoric, giving me a temporary reprieve from the constant darkness. It was best during the day when I was busy and my mind was occupied, but at night it got bad. So bad, that on several occasions I had to talk myself down from calling Bella in tears and once I even got as far as walking to her driveway, but turned back, wanting to retain my last shred of dignity.

But then I would wake up in the morning, feeling slightly less weighed down with my life than I had the day prior… ready to face another day head on. Well, maybe not so much head on as sort of sideways, but still I was making an effort. It was as though little bits of sunshine were peeking their way through the darkness of my life. It was hope.

The feeling pretty much lasted that way for almost a week and a half after that, and I actually even smiled at Bella once unconsciously.

As pissed as I was at her for leaving me at my lowest point, I still couldn't take my eyes off her whenever she was near. And I had developed this sort of radar that alerted me to her presence...like my body could just tell that she was close by. It was fucking weird.

Over the noise of the cafeteria, I struggled to listen to every word she said in my proximity, just to get a glimpse of what her life was like without me in it. In English I craned my neck to see her test grade, just to make sure she was keeping up with her studies and not slacking because of the situation I put her in. In cooking class, I often brushed past her with a false air of indifference just to get a whiff of her hair. I knew I was fucking pathetic, but I was still holding on to my lifeline with everything I had.

It wasn't until I had put the Kings of Leon concert tickets into an envelope with great sadness, with the intention of giving them both to Bella, that things between us began to shift. I didn't want to go without her, and I didn't think it was right that she have to miss out because of me. I stuffed the envelope in her backpack while she was at the bathroom one afternoon, and I was genuinely surprised that it hadn't been mentioned at all in the days after.

Three days later, when Jasper and Emmett came home from the concert, they mentioned that Ben and Angela had gone. Bella had obviously given the tickets to them instead of going herself. I don't know why exactly, but this made me so sad, so much that I felt compelled to apologize to her for being such a douchebag and buy her flowers or something just so she would know I was a dumbass and I truly regretted being angry with her for something that was entirely my own fault. I knew that the way I behaved toward her was wrong and that I had no one to blame for her leaving but myself and my stupid, self gratifying impulsive actions.

I had full intentions of rectifying my ill behavior toward her, but I never got the chance.

That very next day, as I smoked a cigarette in the parking lot after school with a bouquet of flowers sitting on my passenger seat and a long ass apology note that I wrote, she approached me with gritted teeth and clenched fists, looking fiercely angry. I couldn't imagine what she could possibly be so irate with me over.

"How long have you been watching me through my window, Edward?" she seethed, her nostrils flaring. I stared at her, absolutely stunned by her accusation. _Fucking big mouth Rosalie_.

Knowing that I was flat out busted and undeniably a complete shit for doing what I did in the first place, I decided that continuing on the path of honesty was the best approach, because maybe she wouldn't see it as a bad thing. Maybe she would even understand that I watched her to feel close to her.

I looked down at the ground in avoidance and said quietly, "Since the night before I met you."

She gasped audibly as her mouth dropped open in shock. She took a step closer, titling her head. "You watch me get undressed every night?"

Sighing and closing my eyes briefly, I whispered, "Sometimes, yes. But sometimes I just watch you move about the room…just so I can see you before I go to bed." Even before we broke up, I loved watching her every move when she didn't know I was looking. She was so beautiful and natural and just _Bella_.

"You are a filthy fucking piece of shit pervert, you know that? God…" she stormed away without letting me explain. Not that there was anything more to clarify, but still. I had officially gone from "I fucking hate you" to "fucking piece of shit pervert." I wasn't sure if that was a promotion or demotion.

"Beautiful…I'm sorry," I called after her, but she was too far gone to hear me. "I love you."

Stupidly, I thought that eventually in time she would get over it and think that maybe it was even amusing. However, I fully deserved her reaction and wasn't dense enough to think otherwise.

Later that night with my cigarette in hand, I went outside with such apprehension, not entirely knowing what to expect. For the first time in six months, Bella's blinds were closed tightly, effectively shutting me out of the last bit of intimacy that I had with her. I sighed sadly, knowing that her preventative actions against my lurking were completely warranted. And then I really, really felt alone.

That next morning, I woke up to find a wrapped box sitting on the hood of my car. Eyeing it warily, I opened it up with extreme trepidation, having no idea what could possibly be inside. But as I lifted the top of the box, seeing the wrinkled heart patterned tissue paper it was nestled in, I knew in an instant what it was. Bella had returned the sparkle peen. She had officially removed all traces of my presence from her life.

Three simple words were written on a pink Post-It Note in Bella's handwriting.

_**Go fuck yourself.**_

**~%~**


	34. Chapter 34 Scars That Wont Heal

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**Thank you to Erika for your awesome skills, and to Suzy as always for everything. Love you bb.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 34** ~**Scars that Won't Heal**

**When you're gone it feels like, **  
**My whole worlds gone with you**  
**I thought love would be my cure**  
**But now it's my disease**  
**I try to act mature**  
**But I'm a baby when you leave**  
**How can I ever get used to being without you**

**Am I addicted**  
**When I need you here all the time**  
**And I'm not sure if this is healthy**  
**Is it a sickness**  
**Cos I feel like I'm losing my mind**

**Alicia Keys~ Love Is My Disease**

**~Bella~**

_Edward, I miss you._

_I knew I would, but this is just…unbearable._

_I cry a lot._

_A lot._

_I just want you to know that I am so sorry for leaving you._

_I'm sorry._

_I'm so, so sorry._

After abandoning my nightly prayers, I took up talking to Edward instead. I knew he couldn't hear me, but somehow, I hoped he could _feel_ me still loving him. I hoped he still knew I meant the words that I could no longer speak aloud to him.

**~%~**

My therapist told me that people who go through breakups often experience the same emotions of grief similar to when someone dies. She also mentioned that there were five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Edward seemed to have found himself a nice little niche right between the anger and depression phases and settled there quite contentedly.

It was maddening.

When Dr. Greene called to follow up on me, after I failed to contact her when she'd asked, she told me that Edward likely needed to feel anger toward me in order to cope with the situation and loss of control over it. I hadn't realized that in our relationship, he held all of the control, and it was sort of enlightening to have this brought to the surface. He was always the one to dictate what we could and couldn't do, and when I left him, he likely didn't know how to handle not having the upper hand. In a very fucked up way I actually felt sorry for taking that away from him, the one little bit of control over his free will that he did have.

But as far as I was concerned, he had a lot of fucking nerve being mad at me, when he was the one who was in the wrong here. Granted, I understood how he could be upset about thinking that I wrote him off by not wearing his gifts, which by the way I loved, and had no intention of giving them back, even if his lawyer showed up at my door to sequester them for evidence or something. Those Dior boots were going to the grave with me, and if Edward wanted them back, he'd have to pry them off my cold, dead, probably still virginal body.

It wasn't the fact that they were, indeed, Dior, it was that he had paid enough attention to me to notice when I admired them...found them out on the net and somehow managed to get them in the right size. They say it's the thought that counts and he had definitely put a lot of thought into them. That was what counted most to me.

But he immediately jumped to conclusions upon hearing a rumor that I was at the movies with Jake—fucking big mouth Lauren and her stupid sister who pretended to be all nice and friendly to me only to talk shit the very next day—and truth be told, I understood that too. None of it was intentional to hurt Edward. In fact, the only reason I even went shopping was because I was so depressed over the loss of his presence in my life, on top of the guilt of leaving him when I knew he needed me the most, that I had to do something to take my mind off of him. Shopping almost always made me feel better, and for about half an hour, it did just that. But then as I was leaving the mall, I realized that I had to go home to a cold, empty house and eat frozen mac & cheese by myself, when normally I'd be at the Cullen's eating something tofu based for dinner and it made me want to bawl…and call Edward in a fit of tears. I was totally trying to avoid that.

When I ran into Jake, he said the girl he was supposed to be hanging out with had cancelled their date and he suggested we grab a pizza and a movie. I was utterly relieved, to be truthful. Feeling as forlorn as I was, I couldn't say no to his company, but I made sure he knew that it wasn't a date. Jake looked at me like I was crazy, reminding me that because of our age difference he could get arrested for even thinking such a thing. Then I felt completely stupid for thinking that he would think it was a date, but he was totally cool and teased me about it for the rest of the night.

The whole thing was completely harmless, and he actually made me laugh quite a few times, which was something I really hadn't done in a while. It was fun to just be friends with a guy without all those underlying expectations. It was also nice to be able to talk to someone who didn't know Edward or his situation and wasn't biased one way or another. Rose and Alice had been outstanding as far as keeping me sane, but it was hard for them to be entirely objective when they were in love with and sleeping with my ex's brothers.

Ex…God, I hated that word. It sounded so final.

The biggest thing for me was the fact that I loved Edward to death and I didn't want to let him go, but had to. Did I regret it? Hell yeah, every second, to the point that I held my phone in my hand at night, struggling with my very stubborn and depressed subconscious to not call him. I saw him pop online a few times too, and I just wanted to IM him to see how he was doing, but really, what the hell was I going to say?

"How is your heart doing after I've crushed it with the nine hundred dollar boots you bought me for Christmas?"

What do you say to the person you love, but can't be with for their own good? All for the sake of doing something right for him.

I was at a complete loss as to what to do, and though my friends were amazingly supportive, they weren't much help in the boyfriend advice department, considering they were both as new as I was with relationships. Alice was adamant about me standing my ground, because she knew as we all did, the second I heard his voice I would cave and that wouldn't do either of us any good. Rose surprisingly, wanted to see me try to maintain some sort of friendship with Edward, considering all that we had been through. I think her opinion was swayed greatly by Emmett's influence. He knew Edward was hurting and I'm pretty sure he just wanted his brother's suffering to be lessened. I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want to be without him. I just knew it was the right thing for now. If I kept enabling Edward, he wouldn't ever take the initiative to get stronger.

Things with my dad got remarkably better. Since he had the security alarm installed, he knew my comings and goings (not that I had much of a social life) and he usually called twice a day to check in on the days that he remained in Seattle held up at work. The over-protectiveness was annoying at first, but then most of the time, we would talk for a little while and it actually became kind of nice. He was also home a lot more, and we often ate dinner together before he would head back to the city. I actually started to miss him when he was gone. But not _too _much.

The wooden frame of the "for sale" sign was still mounted out on the front lawn; however, the actual sign with all the info had mysteriously disappeared. And when the stupid bossy real-estate lady replaced it…twice, it somehow kept going missing. I was just hoping that I didn't get a flat tire, and need access to my spare, because there would be three heavy metal signs blocking the way.

I didn't tell my dad or Maggie the specifics of what happened with Edward and I. I mentioned that we got into a disagreement, and that we were taking a break for a while, because it wasn't a lie, and the last person I wanted to know the truth of what had really happened was my dad. I wasn't about to douse his misgivings about my boyfriend with proverbial lighter fluid to fan the flame any more than necessary. Because, I was still hoping that we would find our way back to each other, and I didn't want his view to be tainted anymore that it already was. I learned from my mother's many past indiscretions, that when she bad-mouthed the boyfriend, and then took him back, she expected me to forgive him the same way she did, only I always seemed unable to let go of those ill feelings toward him.

Things with Edward and I were weird, at best. He ignored me, I ignored him… and we gave each other a respectful distance. Okay, so I may have only been pretending to ignore him, but really what I was doing was looking at him any time I knew he wouldn't catch me, and I skillfully learned how to carry on a conversation over the noise of the cafeteria, while still being able to pin point his voice over the clamor.

I also enlisted Alice, Rose and even Angela to make sure I was kept informed of anything major or minor going on in his life, because I was not ready or really willing to entirely let him go. I suppose knowing that he couldn't be with anyone else, and the fact that he was so emotionally fucked up, kind of gave me a sense of security that I wouldn't have to deal with him finding comfort in another girl's arms….unless she was over eighteen….and that was the part that I kept in denial, choosing to ignore that the option was available to him. That was also what I had always feared the most.

But through all of this, Edward remained genuinely angry at me, and it was so hurtful. I did try to nonchalantly talk to him on a few occasions, but he just snapped at me and it really hurt my feelings so I stopped trying and gave him space. I was so, so sad about the loss of him in my life.

He sat a foot away from me in lunch and bio, but didn't utter a word during our labs which we worked independently on while the rest of the class collaborated. We made entire meals in cooking, only speaking to each other when absolutely necessary, and "Please pass the measuring cup," did not qualify as conversation in my book.

I felt so stupid, because I honestly thought that we could try to go back to being friends like we did in the beginning. I mean, it would have been pretty unproblematic because it wasn't as though we had to deal with the awkwardness of not hugging or kissing and general intimacy stuff. But I was mad…mad that he was mad, when I was the one that was betrayed and hurt by his careless and reckless actions, and I was even more pissed that he had to take control of the situation, turn it around so he be the predominantly mad one! How unfair was that? The nerve…

It wasn't until one afternoon stuck on the bleachers during gym that I was frustrated and yammering on incessantly about how I thought maybe he didn't love me as much as I thought, because if he did, he would at least want to be friends or whatever, and not cut me completely out of his life. Rose and Alice exchanged weird glances and I knew they knew something I didn't. Rose was extremely reluctant, but felt she had the obligation to let me know that she had caught Edward twice, trying to sneak a peek into my window at night. He was most certainly not cutting me out of his life, but keeping a very private and personal part of me all to himself.

Though her intention in telling me was not meant to anger me, or to get Edward in trouble, simply to prove that he still cared, in actuality it worked the opposite.

Like a light slowly being switched on, I began to realize that on a few occasions, he had made questionable comments about what I was wearing or something to that effect, that he could only have known by watching me through the window. I could only assume he did it often, and he'd been doing it for a while. I was absolutely appalled and infuriated that he had kept this from me, considering it was a blatant disregard and invasion of my privacy. It wasn't about the fact that he did it, because quite honestly if I'd known he could see me through the trees, I would have taken advantage of it and given him a little show. But we were together six months, we'd been through so much together in such a short time and we were even about to get married and he couldn't divulge this information to me? What if Jasper or Emmet had gone out there to smoke up or something and saw me? Or God forbid Carlisle?

Appalled and hurt, I confronted him at school, while fuming and seething and wanting to punch him in his stupid, beautiful, broken face. When he told me he'd been watching me before we had even met, I freaked out at the little smirk that feathered at the corners of hips. To an outsider, they probably wouldn't have noticed, but for me…the person that knew all of his facial expressions like my heartbeat… knew that trace of a smirk meant he thought it was amusing. Fucking amusing?

After what I had been through in California, with my privacy intruded upon and my whole life being viewed by creepy teenager voyeurs, I couldn't believe he had the audacity to think that this was at all entertaining. Edward's nonchalance about the whole thing enraged me… like he expected me to think it was okay or something simply because he was my boyfriend doing it and he'd seen me naked before. Well, it fucking wasn't okay, especially since he openly admitted that he'd been doing it even before he knew my fucking name. As a woman, thoroughly scorned, I sent him a clear message that what he did was very wrong.

Only, a few days after I dropped off the box containing the sparklepeen on his car, I thoroughly regretted giving it back. In my mind, I remembered how we laughed so hard when we made it, and how he was so proud of himself that he created it to perfection on the first try. I remembered the way we both got off and God, did I miss that. I missed _him_. I could just imagine the hurt look on his face at having returned the thing that was so much a part of us. But I couldn't allow him to know this. I refused to let him take advantage of me or let him think he could walk all over me. I needed to get some of the control back.

And so we continued to be angry with each other, ignoring and avoiding. I gave him scornful glances and an effective stink eye every so often just to make a point. Sometimes I reminded myself that he was hurting badly at the moment, but I just couldn't get past another betrayal from him.

About a week after I'd returned the sparklepeen, I'd woken up to blaring light streaming through my windows and the sound of voices yelling and metal scraping violently on pavement. As I rose out of bed, groggy and pissed off at being woken up so early on a Saturday, I peered out the window, wiping the sleep from my eyes.

Everything was covered with a fluffy blanket of white snow, so stark against the black bark of the trees. There was something having to do with the elevation, why this part of Washington didn't get snow, but every now and then, it slipped through. There was a good eight inches on the ground with puffy flakes still falling and it reminded me of Christmas in Chicago, instantly making me smile at the memory.

I sort of stood there staring blankly down at Jasper, Emmett and Edward, dressed to the nines in ski jackets and snow boots, shoveling the snow off my walkway. I could see that they had done Alice's house across the street and I was willing to bet Esme had something to do with the neighborly gesture.

I was so busy staring at Edward in his black knit hat that I was startled when Jasper threw a snowball at my window, splattering white on the glass. He was yelling something but it was muffled, so I opened the window, letting little piles of freshly fallen snow gather on the sill.

"What are you doing?" I yelled, leaning out on the sill. The air was absolutely frigid. I pulled back instinctively to wrap my arms around myself, remembering that I had on only a white shirt with no bra and flannel pajama pants.

Jasper yelled up, "Painting the fucking Sistine Chapel, what's it look like?" I rolled my eyes, dodging another snowball thrown by Emmett. Edward continued to shovel, giving me a quick, expressionless glance. His cheeks were rosy and he looked really cold. I knew how he hated manual labor and I imagined how he had probably exhausted every curse word in his vocabulary while he was doing his neighborly duty.

"You don't have to do that," I yelled, sounding totally ungrateful, but not meaning to.

Emmett chuckled. "Oh, like you're gonna get your lazy ass out here to do it yourself?'

I shrugged with a giggle as I motioned with my hand. "Okay, carry on then."

"Hey, toss me your car keys so we can do the driveway." I gave Jasper my index finger indicating to wait one minute.

I shut the window, throwing on a sweatshirt and slippers, heading downstairs. After I tossed my keys to Jasper, I made four mugs of hot chocolate, put three of them on a tray and set it down on the freshly cleared front porch. Again, Edward took a brief moment to make eye contact with me, and then continued to shovel.

Peeking my head out the front door I called out, "Hey, you guys want breakfast?" After seeing them working so hard they looked like they could use a break. "I can make pancakes or something."

Emmett responded with an enthusiastic, "Hell yeah!"

I began on the pancakes, setting another pan out to fry up some bacon. I knew I would likely go through the whole box of mix and an entire bottle of syrup, but it didn't matter much, I was just glad I could repay them somehow. Truth was, I didn't even know if we owned a snow shovel and I wasn't ashamed to admit that I really didn't have much experience with outdoor maintenance type stuff.

When I had a pancake stack about a foot high, I set the table with four places, nervous about what to do with Edward. This undoubtedly would be totally weird and I wasn't at all prepared for the awkwardness of it. I opened the door to call them inside, and frowned when I noticed that the tray had two empty mugs and one still full, no traces of it having been sipped from. Emmett and Jasper came in, nosily kicking their boots in the front hallway, removing their outerwear and rubbing their hands together to warm up. I took a peek outside, to see Edward sitting on the front porch alone, smoking a cigarette.

I motioned for the boys to sit down, and they didn't bother waiting for me to invite them to help themselves before half the food was devoured, amidst forks clinking and appreciative yummy sounds. I made a plate for myself and one for Edward setting his in the place across from mine. As I drank from my orange juice glass, I heard the shovel scraping the sidewalk again.

"He's not coming in?" I asked softly, with a disappointed sigh.

They both shrugged apologetically. I pushed my chair out with a scrape, and opened the front door. Edward looked up, and then away, shaking his head slightly, as if he were grumbling something to himself.

"You can come in you know. You're invited to eat too." I was a little snippier than I should have been, and I wasn't exactly sure why. I guess it just irritated me that he would think he wasn't included…unless he didn't even want to be in my presence.

He shook his head without looking at me, continuing to shovel.

I gritted my teeth exhaling a steady breath. Maybe if I tried a different approach?

"I made you a plate. Pancakes…bacon…OJ…." I wasn't really certain why I was so insulted and hurt that he didn't want to join us, but I was. And I couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why it was so important for me to have him come in.

Yeah, so I was totally kidding myself. I knew exactly why it was so important to me. I needed to be in his presence...needed to feel him close to me...to see him...hear him breathe...smell his cologne. I needed these things to be refilled in my senses as they were slowly losing their potency.

I huffed in agitation. "I promise I didn't poison it or anything. Please?" I asked, softly.

Edward stopped shoveling, visibly torn by the decision to come inside or not. Eventually he nodded, leaning his shovel up against the porch rails, and quietly followed me inside. He had taken off everything except his hat, which I had a feeling was because he didn't want me to see him with his hair all matted and sweaty.

The dark black of the hat and the rosy pink flushed over his cheeks made his eyes look crystal green. I missed those eyes. He also had on the Gap hoodie that we bought in what seemed like a lifetime ago. I almost wanted to ask him to leave it with me so I could smell it and cuddle with it before bedtime…completely lose myself in it.

Edward ate in silence, while his brothers talked boisterously amongst themselves, quickly dissipating most of the awkward haze in the air. Edward remained resolute, keeping his face emotionless and stoic while he devoured his breakfast in silence.

When they were finished eating, Edward was the last to stand, and the only one of the boys to pick up his plate. On his example they did the same, depositing them carefully into the sink, thanking me before heading back out to finish. Edward loitered in the kitchen a minute, obviously wanting to say something to me without an audience.

I leaned against the counter, my hands fidgeting nervously with my sweatshirt sleeves, waiting with baited breath for him to say something…anything. A burp would even suffice.

He opened his mouth, and then closed it, shaking his head. Instead, he just whispered, "Thank you for breakfast," and walked off leaving me with my mouth open in disappointment. He looked so broken…and I knew that I did that to him. I felt my heart fall into my stomach which was fighting to hold onto the breakfast I had just eaten.

It was at that point, that I started to reconsider the whole thing, thinking that I should have been sticking by him, regardless of what he had done. But there was so much resentment festering amongst my desire to be with him, that I couldn't determine which one would be the dominant, and what I was afraid of, was that our past baggage would spoil our future. I couldn't allow that to happen, so I continued to stand my ground, giving him the time he needed alone, and hating every fucking second that we were apart.

I went upstairs, watching from my window as the three boys, dragged their shovels down the block toward their home, my driveway and walkway clear of snow. Edward lagged behind, his head down and the sight of him so forlorn looking made me tear up. He glanced quickly back at the house, and then kept walking solemnly. I crawled back into bed, hugging my pillow, wishing he was beside me, or that I at least had his sweatshirt to keep me company.

As the weeks dragged on, the days got slightly warmer with the looming promise of spring. I bought a plane ticket to California, excited to see my mom over spring break, but other than that, things continued as they were, both of our worlds full of ignoring and feigned indifference. Only I was sort of dying inside while pretending to be fine. However, Edward…seemed to be doing the exact opposite.

I noticed a distinct difference in him about four weeks after our breakup. To anyone else it was subtle, because the girls thought I was crazy, and saw no perceptible changes, but I could tell. Edward was…different, brighter somehow, as though a little of his pain had lifted. He had begun to volunteer answers in class, whereas before, he never spoke unless he was called upon by the teacher. His clothes changed slightly, not the style necessarily, but the colors were brighter, more vivid, less black and gray and more blues and greens.

Once, he even wore red. And then he smiled…a lot more than he ever had before. He had actual conversations with Ben, Tyler and Jasper in the cafeteria, and sometimes when Emmett came to lunch, he joined in as well. Before, Edward peppered his thoughts in a conversation with snarky retorts or disgruntled mumbles, but now, he was actually…I don't know…making an effort?

It was during lunch when I learned that he had plans to try out for the baseball team. I was trying, as I always did, to listen to Alice with one ear, while the other filtered out extraneous noise, with one ear focused so I could listen to Edward. Upon hearing this, I was ecstatic and doing internal back flips for his progress. However, I just gave him a small knowing smirk which he returned with a subtle eye roll and nothing further was said about it. But we both knew that it was a big deal. My heart melted at our brief connection.

That afternoon, I snuck up to the cooking classroom once the final bell let out, because I knew I would be able to see the baseball field from there undetected by him. I watched in rapt fascination as he whipped the ball at the batter, gaining a whole lot of impressed teammates, with the exception of Mike Newton, who Edward had effectively replaced as pitcher. Because of course, he made the team. I beamed with pride at his courage and at his skill, hoping that whatever had made him finally commit to this was something that was permanent.

And yes…I was well aware that watching him unbeknownst to him, made me a huge fucking hypocrite. Oh well. He wasn't naked (though I wouldn't have minded) and that was the difference.

I spent the week of Easter vacation with my mom and Phil, drenched in the warmth of the sun and the scent of chlorine and salt water, loving the way the fine blades of freshly cut grass felt on my bare feet. I was wary about going back there, mostly because I didn't want to run into Bree, who was inconveniently located right across the street from my mom's house, so a run in was almost inevitable.

But the bad memories of what had happened to me there had been strongly outweighed with the knowledge that karma could be a cruel hearted bitch. Bree had apparently gotten knocked up by none other than Reilly, who was now a high school dropout and working in Mc Donald's to support his illegitimate child. So, so sad.

For that week, my mom left her boutiques to her managers while we spent long days by the pool, drinking daiquiris—I was adding rum in mine when she wasn't looking—and gorging ourselves on junk food then shopping at the outdoor flea markets. I bought a ton of cute sundresses and sandals, thinking that I was probably going to spend part of the summer in California instead of Forks. I needed a break from seeing Edward everyday and not being able to love him the way I wanted to. My mom listened eagerly to every word I said, whether it was about school or work, the girls, or my dad and Maggie, or about Edward.

It was mostly about Edward.

And when it was time to leave, I cried my heart out, knowing I would be missing my mom the second I stepped on that plane. I promised her I would be back for a few weeks during the summer, truly looking forward to it.

On our first day back to school, I felt ridiculously bronze against my pale classmates, trying to ignore all their jealous glares. I was having some pretty bad period cramps and kind of groaned my way through the morning. Once I got into Bio, they had progressed to the next level, and I was about to high tale it out of there when Edward took his seat next to me and just stared.

Ignoring his blazing eyes on me, I laid my head down on the table, feeling the cool black surface against my cheek.

He quirked an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

I almost startled when he spoke to me, considering we hadn't said a word to each other in weeks.

"Ugh, bad cramps. You wouldn't happen to have any Midol on you?" Obviously, I knew he didn't but he always kept some kind of painkiller in his bag for his headaches or random attempts at disassociating himself with reality.

"Uh, no I don't keep anything on me anymore." He turned around in his seat, laying his forearms on the lab table behind him. "Hey, Jen…"

Jennifer Miller, the blonde haired, big boobed, stereotypically beautiful Cheerleader /Homecoming Queen/all around perfect girl that most likely had something really fucked up going on at home—because those types of girls always did— gave Edward a huge smile and replied cheerfully, "Hey Edward, what's up?" as if they were old friends or something.

I stiffened, looking up at him incredulously. Since when did he associate with her? Or anyone for that matter?

He played absently with the strap of her bag. "You wouldn't happen to have any Midol on you?" His voice was so smooth it sent tingles to my lady parts. I don't think he was intentionally flirting with her, but he was definitely doing something manipulative. If I hadn't been completely in love with him already, I would have been after that display.

Edward smirked, adding. "Not for me…for Bella."

"Of course," she smiled at me kindly. "Ummm, no Midol, but I think I have some Advil." She fished for it in her bag and then held the bottle out to Edward with a bright smile. We both thanked her before turning around in our seats. Edward popped the cap open, placing two blue pills on my open notebook. Then he unscrewed the cap to his Snapple, and slid that over across the desk top. I stared at it warily, because Edward hadn't even thought twice about allowing me to contaminate his drink even after a month and a half of not talking and general hostility toward one another.

"Thanks," I whispered eyeing him cautiously, taking the pills and a generous swallow of iced tea. "Since when are you so buddy- buddy with her?" I whispered.

"Who, Jen?" he chuckled lightly. "Her boyfriend Brian is on the baseball team with me. And she's also a Stat Girl. We all know her."

I nodded, totally taken back by the comfortable exchange of pleasantries between them. It made me sort of happy for him that he could do that now, but entirely weirded out just the same. He wasn't ever that nice to anyone really, except for me, and that may have struck a sour note with me.

Edward looked down, spinning his pen on his book. "You know, birth control pills are supposed to help with cramps."

I just gave him a face that pretty much said, _um…what?_

He shrugged his shoulders. "I knew a girl in Chicago who got terrible cramps all the time and then when she went on the pill they stopped. Just saying."

"I'll keep that in mind." I turned around and gave Jen her pills back with a smile.

Edward began to doodle aimlessly on his paper bag book cover. He was the only person in the entire school that refreshed his once a month like clockwork, so they were always new. Everyone else's were practically hanging off by threads.

"So, um…did you have a nice time at your mom's?" I never told him I was going to my mother's over the break, because we hadn't spoken, but I assumed because of my newly bronze skin color and probably my girlfriends chatty mouths, that he knew. I was almost alarmed at his attempt at conversation.

"Um…yeah, it was great, actually. I really missed her and Phil…and the sun," I chuckled. "What did you do, anything?"

He shook his head pursing his lips. "Just baseball practice."

"How's that going?" I asked as though I hadn't watched him almost every day and knew it was going really well. At least from an outsider's perspective it appeared that way. I kind of paused sadly, lamenting at that thought, because really, that was what I was now to him…just an outsider.

"Good, good. It's…really nice to play again," he sighed, scratching the back of his neck.

"Bella…I uh…." Banner interrupted us then with the lab assignment and we promptly got to work, which effectively ended our conversation. "Never mind," he whispered softly. At least he was no longer antagonistic. That was something, right?

But after that, things remained the same, just the two of us being very cordial to one another, almost to the point that we were distant acquaintances, as opposed to ex boyfriend/girlfriend. It was so weird. Our gang was very accommodating throughout the whole thing. The girls hung out with me on Friday nights, while the boys hung out separately, doing whatever it was that boys did.

On Saturdays, they hung out as couples and sometimes I would occupy myself with a movie and takeout food, feeling sad and sorry for my lonesome self. They always invited me to go out with them, but since I knew Edward was also invited, I declined. Besides, the last thing I wanted was to be a fifth wheel or an uncomfortable sixth if Edward was to go, but Alice said Edward rarely hung out with them anyway. Other times, I would go to Seattle to spent time with my dad and Maggie or on occasion, they would come to Forks for the weekend.

To say I was lonely was a vast understatement.

I hung out with Angela a lot after school because she was fun and sweet and very unbiased. She made me join the Leader's Club with her, which was a stupid name for a club that basically only did fundraisers and volunteer stuff for the sake of school spirit.

We were currently working on prom bullshit, carwashes, the Senior picnic and the talent show; which from what I had heard, was a huge event at Forks High School and one of their big money makers of the year. Between that and Yearbook, it kept me busy yet still gave me ample time to watch Edward practice, so it was a win-win for me.

Without even thinking about it, I went to every single one of Edward's baseball games, unbeknownst to anyone. His whole family was there in the stands cheering him on, including my girlfriends, so it was too weird for me to be there and not _be _there with him or for him. I knew they all went out afterward to get ice cream or whatever, and it hurt me so much knowing that I wasn't a part of their lives…and that it had been my choice.

Well, it was never really my choice, because what I would have chosen, given the opportunity, would be for me and Edward to be together without restraining orders, ex girlfriends, drugs, over protective fathers or basic bullshit in general involved. As if that would ever happen.

It was also hard, because there was a sudden influx of girls that began to regularly attend the games, and I am pretty sure it was because they went to ogle Edward's ass. God did his ass look amazing in those tight baseball pants. Sometimes I would get lost in that ass, as its perfection hypnotized me. Can't say I blamed their ogling one bit.

During the away games, I would purposely arrive a little late, and I'd sit in my car with a cup of Starbucks and watch inconspicuously from there. For the home games, I would sneak into the open school under the guise of needing to use the bathroom and then find my way upstairs, so that I could get a bird's eye view of the field. I always had to hide my car on a residential side street, because I didn't want to get caught. My dad's spy skills were definitely inherited and he'd likely be proud of me.

Edward on a baseball field…was nothing short of astounding. He was a totally different person out there. He demanded attention and he got it. He sort of sauntered out onto the mound with this distinct air of confidence about him…one that I had never seen before. Edward looked totally relaxed and completely sure of himself as he took his practice throws.

The catcher and coach would run out to him on the mound before the game started. He would listen intensely for a few minutes before he threw his head back and laughed like someone had told him the funniest joke ever told. The coach would either fist bumped him or clap his shoulder and shake him affectionately, and the catcher always smacked his ass with his glove, which I thought was kind of odd, but I think it was tradition or something.

Edward's rituals were always the same. He would look down and rub his foot into the dirt making a divot for his foot to rest. He then swirled his arm in a windmill fashion, grabbing his elbow and stretching it across his chest. Then he would reach into his shirt, pull out the black leather necklace he'd always had on and brought whatever was hanging from it up to his lips. He actually looked like he kissed it before returning it to the safety of his jersey. I was assuming that it was his good luck charm.

The royal blue "Spartan" script ran proudly across his chest and I could see a hint of a blue t-shirt tucked into his pinstriped pants. His high royal blue socks showed off his long legs as he walked off the mound to take his last calming breaths. He returned to the mound, tipped his hat to the catcher and the game started. He absolutely amazed me with the grace he possessed on the pitcher's mound. The way he threw the ball, like captured lightening, was breathtaking to say the least. There was no question that he had found his home, his niche in the world, his happy place. I was thrilled for him. And apparently, so was the rest of the school, because the winning streak that the Forks high baseball team was on was apparently attributed to their new pitcher and the fact that his pitches were so fast, the batters on the other team didn't have a chance in hell.

However, he seemed completely disinterested in me. Sometimes I would try to make conversation with him in class, and he would be nice, and talk to me about nothing in particular for a few minutes, but he'd always be the one to end the conversation, leaving me thinking that he didn't want to be bothered to have it in the first place. It stayed that way for a while and I began to give up hope that he and I would never find our way back to one another.

I mean, obviously, whatever he was doing was making a dramatic impact on his life. Whether it was the new meds he was on, or the counseling, the fact that he wasn't smoking cigarettes or weed anymore (which I had heard through the not so quiet grapevine) or because he was playing baseball, I couldn't be certain, but it was working. Edward was a new man.

What I feared the most, was that maybe it was all those things combined, or maybe it was just the fact that I wasn't in his life anymore and causing him all that angst, that was making him healthy. Maybe what I had wanted for him so badly had actually come to fruition—that the possibility of him healing and getting better without me in his life was working and that he was in fact, better off without me.

And so March turned to April, and April turned to May and the weather began to grow warmer and there were more bouts of sun. There was incessant talk about the Prom and prom dresses and prom music and prom blah, blah, blah, all of which kind of made me sick to think about, because I wasn't going. I really, really wanted to go, but only with Edward and obviously that wasn't happening because he didn't go to dances. Oh yeah, and because we weren't speaking.

However, mostly everything else in my life remained stagnant with a few minor changes. After Edward's random birth control suggestion, and another month of having severe cramps, my gyno put me on the pill. No more cramps and three day periods that I barely noticed, _thank you very much, Edward._ I was also thankful that I was still under my mom's insurance, because if my father knew I was on the pill, he'd have a chastity belt installed.

And on another light note, I did also learn through a very excited Alice, that Esme was having a little girl. I was thrilled for all of them and bought the baby a tiny pink pair of sparkly slippers no bigger than the size of my pointer finger. I sent them over with little ruffled socks and tiny hair bows in a gift bag, left on their doorstep.

Oh, and while getting a trim, Maggie talked me into getting caramel highlights in my hair. Edward, who hadn't acknowledged me in weeks, turned to me in Bio one afternoon, picking up a lock of hair to inspect it. He then promptly let me know that he hated it and it made me look "fake."

I gave him the finger, told him it wasn't his business anymore and then because I still had the innate desire to please him, had it changed back to my natural color the following weekend.

However, that was the weekend that changed everything. Because that was the weekend I met Jamie.

I was doing a party in Port Angeles, for little five year old Katie's Cinderella themed birthday, and the dress and wig were so frigging itchy I couldn't stand one more second in it. After my hour of enchantment and magic was up, I changed in the hostess's bathroom, and when no one was looking, I swiped an unassigned goodie bag off the gift table and stuffed it under the poufy dress hanging over my arm. (There was a candy necklace in there and I really wanted it. I may have also wanted the stupid ginormous sparkly fake pink diamond ring too. It took very little to please me these days.) Only, after swiping it, I hadn't realized that Katie's ridiculously cute older brother, was lurking around the corner, waiting for me to get out of the bathroom, which he later admitted.

He caught me, and when I slyly tried to slip the bag back onto the table, he wagged his finger at me, smiling. "Too late. You got caught red handed. I might have to tell my mom that Cinderella is a thief." He smirked, leaning against the wall. Oh, he was so totally flirting with me.

I was embarrassed to say the least, but I feigned remorse and shame, thinking I too could flirt my way out of the humiliation. Gasping, I threw my hand over my heart and whispered, "You wouldn't dare do that to a poor, orphaned fairly tale character."

He chuckled lightly, his bright blue eyes sparkling. "I'm no Prince Charming…but I'll tell you what. You give me that pack of Twizzlers in there, and we'll pretend this never happened." I quirked an eyebrow at him, narrowing my eyes. He had this shaggy blonde hair and he was baby faced, wearing a tee shirt and jeans with one of those shell necklaces. All American surfer boy next door. He was adorable, even if he did threaten to tell his mom on me.

"Deal."

We spent the next half hour on his back steps, bullshitting and chomping on chocolate Twizzlers. I told him that I was going through a recent breakup, and he admitted that he was as well. Though our respective relationship issues were worlds apart, I think we could relate to one another in only that way the mutually broken hearted could.

Before leaving, when he asked for my number I hesitantly gave him my email address instead, thinking that it would be nice to have someone my own age, particularly a male to talk to that wasn't a Cullen, or friends with a Cullen. I wasn't in any mindset to get involved with anyone else and I thought that by giving him something as impersonal as my email made that clear.

Much to my surprise, Jamie sent me an email that night and we ended up talking for a long time through our IM functions. He was funny and very sweet, in a sort of geeky kind of way. He asked me if I wanted to go with him to this carnival fundraiser thing his school was having the following weekend, and knowing I would be sitting home by my lonesome again on Saturday night, I gladly accepted. It didn't feel remotely weird or bad or wrong at the time.

That Saturday was unusually warm, sunny, and in the high sixties. Edward had a morning game in Hoquiam that I didn't make because I had overslept. Instead, I spent the day outside in the yard, weeding and planting pink Impatiens (that I bought at the school flower sale, after being bullied by Angela to contribute to the cause) in the flower beds, and enjoying the rare bit of sun, hoping it would supplement my mostly faded suntan.

I noticed that the cat family that had been living under my front porch had relocated, probably to live somewhere less depressing.

Around five, I headed inside to shower, not really knowing what to wear, because I didn't want to seem too eager, and I definitely didn't want to give Jamie the wrong message. He knew that I wasn't entirely capable of much more than friendship with him and he seemed fine with that.

We had met in PA earlier that week to grab some pizza, and though it was weird at first, it was really fun hanging out with him. But this was a nighttime thing, totally different from hanging out after school and I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

I finished blow drying my hair and applied some mascara when the doorbell rang. Alice was in full theatric make up, her hair back in a ponytail, obviously having come straight from a gig.

"What are you guys up to later?" I asked, as she followed me up the stairs back to my room. I was going to invite them to the carnival thing but I thought better of it, feeling that there was enough weirdness between Edward and me, to not draw lines between friends.

She sighed, flopping down in my rocker. "Same old shit, you know? I think there's supposed to be a bonfire next weekend, but we'll probably just end up parking around the block, getting drunk in Jasper's car and then fooling around until we're sober." Alice rolled her eyes expressing the boredom of that idea. "Oh…sorry," she cringed, realizing she was being insensitive, which she sort of was, but it truly didn't bother me.

"Sounds fun," I chuckled.

"Where are you off to tonight, Missy?"

I shrugged. "Hanging out with a friend." I hadn't told her or Rose about my newly formed friendship with Jamie, simply because they had big mouths and their boyfriends knew everything in ten seconds flat. It wasn't a secret by any means, but I didn't want it to get to Edward and have him assume the wrong idea, like he did when he found out I went to the movies with Jake that one time. That was assuming he even still gave a shit.

"A friend?" she narrowed her eyes playfully at me. "What friend is this?"

"Just someone I met at a gig. We're going to a school carnival," I mumbled, as I swiped pink gloss over my lips.

"Someone? A _boy_ someone? Cause, you don't wear your favorite ass hugging jeans for a _girl _someone…unless, Edward turned you on to the other team?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not like that Al. He's just a friend. We've been talking on the computer and he's cool, you know? He just went through a break up too, so he gets it."

"So then this is a date? Well, good for you then, I guess. It's about time you shit or got off the pot."

I stopped to look at her through the reflection in the mirror. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"This thing with you and Edward…it's like, pathetic. He's obviously doing whatever he's doing to move on and you're just still sitting here all sad and shit. I think it's good that you're going out on a date."

My stomach turned. "It's _not _a date." _He's moving on? Really?_

"Yeah, well maybe Edward should think it is. Maybe that would give him some incentive to at least…I don't know…make an effort to be like…nice to you or whatever. You guys don't even talk anymore. You used to be friends but now, he doesn't even talk to you…."

"It's because I don't think he wants to be with me anymore, Al." I shrugged my shoulders sadly. "He seems so disinterested, preoccupied with other things. You know that saying, be careful what you wish for? I wanted him to get better without me…well, I think I got my wish."

She looked down at her hands. "Jasper says he's doing awesome. He's been going to counseling and therapy and just...almost back to the person he was before that stupid girl ruined his life." I smiled inwardly, so happy to hear that, yet so sad. I wanted to know this person, this version of Edward. I was suddenly jealous of his family and my friends for having the opportunity to know the new and improved E.

Alice cleared her throat as she changed the topic. "So…he's picking you up?"

"Yeah, which is so stupid because we're just going right back to PA so I don't know why he would even bother, but Jamie insisted, so…."

"What time is he supposed to be here?"

"Six thirty." I leaned over to look at the time on my alarm clock. It was twenty five after.

"Can you please check outside to see if he's here?"

Alice got up, peering out the window, while I grabbed my small purse, shoving basic necessities inside. "Uh…he's not here, but…the boys are playing basketball in front of their house," she said cringing.

"And?" I asked in confusion before it actually hit me. "Edward too? Shit Al, go get them to go inside!" I pushed her out of my bedroom, pulling out my phone so that I could stall Jamie. The last thing I needed was for Edward to see me go on what he would quite obviously perceive as a date. I was so fucked.

Alice had barely made it out the front door, when Jamie's truck pulled in my driveway, perfectly on time. I sighed, cringing. "If they ask who it was say…say…" I fumbled for a decent alibi, but had nothing. "Just make something up, okay?"

Jamie got out of his car, dressed in a dark polo shirt, and tan khaki's…so opposite of what I was used to seeing on Edward. Jamie smiled when he saw me on the porch, waving slightly as I intercepted him halfway to the house. I did not want him to come get me at the door, because that would have just drawn more attention to us. However, at that point, from the sudden lack of movement and ceased rhythmic thwap-thwap of the ball hitting the pavement, I knew it was futile.

After quick introductions between Jamie and Alice, she whispered to call her if he tried anything less than friendly and waved before she sprinted down the street to her waiting boyfriend. I got in Jamie's car, trying not to look down the block while pretending I was three years old again and using the "If I can't see you then you can't see me," theory. But as Jamie pulled away, in his side mirror, I chanced a glimpse. And I cringed as I viewed all five boys that had been playing in the street, were stopped in their tracks.

Edward stood in the middle of them, with a halo of gold capping his hair from the setting sun. He was shirtless and holding the ball to his hip, just staring at the rear lights as we drove off.

_He saw._

I was instantly nauseas and feeling terrible. I closed my eyes, making small talk with Jamie, knowing there wasn't much I could do about it at that point. It took a while to put that aside and try to have a good time regardless of the anxiety and guilt I was feeling, though the ache stuck with me the whole night. I was hoping that Alice had come up with something plausible, at least until I could fully explain to Edward myself. I didn't want to keep repeatedly hurting him, but it seemed that we were stuck inside this vicious cycle and it wouldn't stop. I didn't know how to prevent causing him inevitable pain while trying to move on with my life.

_But was that what I was even doing? Moving on with my life?_

I reminded myself that Edward had chosen to ignore me for the last three months, so it wasn't even productive to stress over it. He probably didn't even care.

Aside from that, Jamie was actually a really nice guy. We went to this carnival thing, I met some of his friends, who were really great and he won me a stuffed chicken, with a big purple bow on it neck…which was one of the oddest carnie prizes ever, and let me just say, there was some weird shit to be used as accolades. We shared a funnel cake and went on a bunch of rides, and I realized that for the first time in months, I was actually able to enjoy myself without obsessing over Edward…much.

Jamie was just…very cool and sweet and he was such a gentleman. He didn't curse or use the lord's good name in vain, he was overly polite, and laughed at all of my jokes, or lame attempts at them, anyway. He was for lack of a better word, a temporary panacea…or extremely fake...I had yet to figure that out.

At one point in the night, I decided I wanted to play the game where you shoot the rifle into targets that were planted into random items in an old western scene. Every time I hit a target, the item moved whimsically, or played crazy piano music, and I was having such a good time that I didn't realize Jamie had his hands on either side of my hips and his chin on my shoulder as I obliterated my targets. I sort of stiffened, not knowing whether or not to be uncomfortable by this affectionate gesture, and unfamiliar with having such close proximity to another person…a _male_ person. It wasn't as though I had anything to compare it to. I mean, Edward never did anything like that, simply because he couldn't, and God, how I longed for it….

The problem was, that it would be over a year until he could—_if _he still even wanted to, and that was such a long way off.

I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out if I should shrug him away. And then when I decided that it didn't bother me so much, I put the rifle down and let him walk with his arm around my waist as I smiled up at him. It wasn't until we reached the top of the Ferris wheel and the ride abruptly stopped to let other passengers on that I sort of freaked out. I wasn't a big fan of heights or of Ferris wheels, but Jamie convinced me that it would be fun, and he hadn't done me wrong as of yet.

He chuckled, sliding his hand over my knee to lace his fingers in mine. Jamie's warm hand squeezed a little, telling me to close my eyes as the machine began to rotate again. His mouth was close to my ear, and suddenly he was whispering, "I really want to kiss you, Bella."

I opened my eyes, to see him dart his tongue out onto his lips and at that moment, the butterflies fluttered in my belly and I leaned forward, brushing my lips across his just a bit.

_Just a little couldn't hurt right?_

I gave in a little more when he asked through his body language and the hand that was now tangled in my hair. As my eyes shut on their own volition, I felt his tongue sweep over my lip gently beseeching entrance and I opened hesitantly, letting him inside.

It would all have been so _easy_… just easy to let him take me to a place that I so desperately needed to go, far away from Edward and the Cullen's and the shit that had built up along the way, shit that had left me scared and lonely and cynical and wondering if I would ever, _could _ever move on from him.

_Easy_, because Jamie was smart and sweet and fun and thoughtful and nothing like Edward. He was the All-American jock, Abercrombie wearing, good boy next door who didn't smoke or curse or have any mental issues or stupid restraining orders, or daddy abandonment concerns or out of control OCD tendencies or ex-virginity stealing "cousins" who liked to touch him and give him drugs, or any of that horrific baggage that was unfathomable for a sixteen year old. He was new and unrestricted and he could be everything that I wanted and needed and desired so much. He could fix it all and take the sadness away and make me feel loved again. _Easy_ because he just was Jamie.

But Jamie was not Edward.

And it _wasn't_ easy, because I would never feel for Jamie, a morsel of the intensity that I felt for Edward. And so I pulled away, covering my mouth with my hand, as my stomach turned ferociously with the queasy feeling of being high up on a Ferris wheel, and betraying my feelings for Edward for a quick Band-Aid to put on the gaping hole of hurt he caused.

"Jamie, I can't do this. I'm not …" _What am I not?_ "I'm not ready…" _I will never be ready._

"I'm sorry Bella, I didn't mean to…I just…it doesn't have to be a big deal, you know? We can hang out and kiss and stuff, without having to label it. I like you a lot and I thought you liked me too, but…." he bit his lip, clearly hurt, despite all of the forewarnings I had given him over the last week about my inability to move past things with Edward.

"I do like you very much, Jamie, but I'm just not in the same place as you, I guess. I thought I could do this, but the timing is really wrong, you know? I'm just not there. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey, don't worry about it. I'm sorry if you felt pressured. I just thought, I don't know...there was something more there. I guess I'm gonna have to work on my Rebel Without a Cause thing if I want to impress Bella Swan," he chuckled, bumping my shoulder playfully with his.

If only it were that simple.

As much as Jamie was a great guy, and would probably be a great guy for me, had I never met Edward, we'd probably get along famously. But the fact was, he just wasn't Edward. He never would be, and in my heart I knew that nothing and no one could ever come close to the way I felt about him. I was ruined forever, doomed to a lifetime of longing for a broken boy that anyone else would pale in comparison to.

I couldn't fault Jamie for trying, though. I did give him mixed signals, allowing him to hold my hand and whatnot. He was nothing but understanding, even joking about having an inferiority complex while letting the awkwardness quickly dissipate as the ride came to a stop.

We met his friends down near the Tilt-A-Whirl when I realized I had a text from Alice that she had sent much earlier in the evening.

**E's really upset. I told him that Jamie was a friend from work, but he's crushed. Sorry, I really tried. Call me later–** **Al**

And that effectively ruined my night for good, because aside from the shitty feelings I was already having because of all this fun non-couple stuff I was doing with this boy, I really wanted to be doing it with Edward.

We all ended grabbing something to eat at a late night diner, and though I was exhausted and ready to end the "date," I went along simply so that I could avoid going home. At the end of the night on the drive back to Forks, I was quiet and forlorn, obsessing about our kiss and feeling terribly guilty over it while at the same time dreading having to deal with another crushing blow to Edward. How much could this boy take before he was completely destroyed?

"So this was fun," Jamie said, as he playfully strangled the chicken in my hands. Looking down the block, all of the Cullen's cars were in the driveway but only the foyer light was illuminated in their house.

I chuckled lightly, followed with a scowl. "Sorry, I know I haven't been the greatest company tonight. There's a lot going on right now, you know?"

"I know, trust me. You've been perfect company and again, I'm sorry if I pushed things too soon." He leaned toward me, gently moving a strand of hair out of my face. The gesture was so tender, it made my heart ache because I wanted it to be Edward sitting next to me.

"I hate to see you so sad though." He reached out, unsnapping his seatbelt so that he could lean forward. His hands snaked around my back, pulling me tightly into him in this really awkward, rather unexpected hug. I stiffened, not entirely at ease. Jamie didn't freak me out or anything, and I trusted him mostly, but it just didn't feel right. _He_ didn't feel right. When I pulled out of the hug, our cheeks brushed against each other.

"Well, uh…thanks for tonight," I said softly, wriggling the stuffed chicken at him, before I opened the car door. He waved, waiting for me to get inside the house before he drove off. I couldn't get inside quick enough.

After tossing my jacket on a chair, I threw the chicken carelessly onto the couch and headed upstairs. It was late and I was tired, and disappointed because Jamie wasn't the cure-all I initially thought him to be.

At that moment, I was missing Edward more than I ever imagined I could. My heart actually ached for him to be near me, and I wanted to call him so badly, just to hear his voice. I held my phone in my palm, my finger pressed to his speed dial.

_Caller ID_ _be damned to Hell!_

If only I could just listen to his message to get a quick fix.

Regardless of my initial intention of the evening, Edward knew I went out with another guy, and I couldn't blame him for being angry. For that reason, I also couldn't dial the phone to tell him why I was hurting so much tonight. I couldn't tell him that I had kissed another boy and I felt awful about it, and sad, and that it was making my chest hurt that it wasn't him. So I sent a text that conveyed the only thing I _could_ tell him, and turned the lights off.

**I miss you.**

Alone in the darkness, I waited for a response, holding my breath while listening for the sound of a familiar car to come down the street. After two hours when I didn't hear any cars, or get a text reply, I pulled the comforter to my chin and let the guilt and sadness pull me down to sleep.

**~%~**

The next morning, Alice and I drove into work together. I gave her all the details about my night with Jamie and after her initial gasps about the fact that there was a kiss, she gave me her moral support and words of wisdom before she yet again reiterated how defeated Edward was after seeing me leave. I couldn't bear to hear it anymore, and I begged her to just stop talking about it.

We were scheduled to do a party for a boy and girl set of twins that were into the Power Rangers. I called dibs on the pink one and Alice ended up in the blue suit, which the birthday boy complained about because in all rights, the blue Power Ranger was supposed to be a dude and not have boobs. Did the breast obsession really start that young?

When you're dressed head to boot in glimmering camel -toe highlighting spandex and have a glorious mask to hide behind and a best friend to pretend to beat the shit out of, you're talking major props with the five year old crowd. We were about as animated as we could possibly be, doing over- exaggerated lunges and mid air kicks that were utterly ridiculous and hilarious. Needless to say, my mood had been temporarily elevated.

The thing about having Alice Brandon for a best friend was that her constant state of exuberance was infectious, so even if one was in the very worst of moods, she could single handedly erase the melancholy. We made out like queens in tips, and went shoe shopping afterward, spending most of the money we made in like twenty minutes. I stopped Alice from trying on this hideous yellow cocktail dress, promising her that I would accompany her on a day trip to Seattle for some real prom dress shopping in some decent stores. Even though dress shopping for a dance that I wanted to go to, but couldn't, was the last thing I wanted to do…but I would do it for her.

I was modeling a great pair of wedge sandals, when Alice groaned, slapping her head with her palm. "Oh my God, I can't stand it anymore!"

I blanched at her sudden outburst. "Why? Do these make my toes look weird? They do, don't they?" I angled my foot in the mirror.

"No, they're fine, you have great toes. So listen, I'm so not supposed to be telling you this, because I promised him I wouldn't tell you but you're my best friend and my loyalty lies with you obviously, but I_ have_ to tell you…unless of course you don't want to know, but I totally know you do."

I stared at her incredulously. "You promised _Him_ who? Edward?" Alice nodded vehemently. "Uh, yeah. I wanna know right now," I said, as I sat down on the chair next to her, pushing the box of sandals on the floor to focus all of my attention on her words.

"Well okay, so you must have gotten in really late last night because I was sleeping and sorta drunk and stuff and so then I wake up 'cause I hear yelling outside my window. I get up thinking it's Jasper wanting a booty call or something, but it's not…it's _Edward_."

My eyes were wide with anticipation. For someone who talked a mile a minute, she couldn't seem to get to the point any slower. "Outside your window?" I asked slowly, wondering why the hell he would be there.

She shook her head. "No…he was actually outside _your _window."

I gasped my hand flying over my mouth. "What? Noooooo!"

_Yes!_

_Wait…why?_

"What happened?"

"Oh…well, he was like, 'Bellllllllaaaaaa, Belllllllaaaaaaaaaa!' and all loud and obnoxious and yelling for you and shit. My mom was home and she went to the door and told him to go find his shoes and go the hell home or she was gonna call the police."

"No way! He didn't have shoes on?"

"Yeah, I don't know, he was barefoot and he stubbed his toe and he was like, rubbing it and cursing. He said he gave them away to like, a homeless dude which I have to say is a pretty nice thing to do, because in these poor economic times…."

_He gave his shoes to a homeless guy? What the…_

"Alice!" I clapped my hands I front of her face. "Focus!"

"Sorry, sorry, jeez."

"So what he'd do then?"

"He laughed at my mom and he was like stumbling and slurring his words…he was totally shitfaced. So, I went outside and talked to him so my mom wouldn't call the cops, you know?"

"What did he say? What did you say? What happened. Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"

She drew her head back moving away from my excited impatience. "Chill, please." Alice huffed, straightening her shirt, deliberately making me wait a minute before she launched into her next segment of the story. I growled at her and gave her my best stink eye.

"Okay, well so I totally promised him I that wouldn't tell you, but he asked me to help him with something and as your best friend, I am not going to tell you what it is, and you can't make me. I just don't want you to think that if we like, whisper to each other or tell secrets or whatever, that we're like, doing something shady, because it's totally not a bad thing."

"What? That's not fair. So you two have conspiratorially plotted against me and you're taking his side with this whole thing?'

She shook her head vehemently. "Nope, totally on your side." I went to protest, but she stuck her hand up to stop me. "Trust me, this benefits you, so don't ask any more questions cause I'm not telling you but I'm still gonna help him regardless, cause it benefits him too and I gotta be honest, Bella. I like him. He's fucked up and he does some stupid shit but that boy...he loves you." I smirked at her words. "Oh and uh… Edward's really cute by the way…like _really_ frigging cute." She crinkled up her nose and gave me this weird look like she knew something I didn't, which obviously was the case since she wasn't telling me shit.

I knew she meant cute like as in sweet, not cute as in hot/good looking, though we all knew that was the case too, but that's not what she meant in this particular context. I was actually very disappointed that I hadn't come home earlier. I would have liked very much to have seen him drunk and calling my name, and now I was dying to know what was up between the two of them. I would have pressed further, but I just didn't have the energy to fight her, and there was no way she was backing down on this, I could tell. I would just have to wait and see what the hell the big secret was.

Later that night, I set my phone on the nightstand, still not having received a text reply from Edward. I was deliberating about calling him, when the phone rang. For like a split second I got excited, thinking that perhaps Edward had some sort of freaky ability to read my mind or some kind of sixth sense that he should call me. When I saw that it was Jamie, I let it go to voicemail, just not in the mood to talk to him. I called my dad to say goodnight, set the alarm, and went to bed incredibly sad again, not even bothering to figure out what I was going to wear the next day.

I was torn from a dream as the loudest, most disturbing thunderous boom cracked through the night, echoing against the nearby mountainside and bouncing between the trees. I bolted upright with a scream, my heart racing and pumping as I tried to catch my breath. Rain pounded the windows in sheets, and as I rose from the bed to look outside, there was nothing but the blackest of nights. The storm had knocked the power out.

Suddenly, I realized I was terrified... all of those old memories flooding back to me. I didn't know what to do. Frantically, I rummaged through my desk drawer for a lighter I had stashed there, flicking it on to guide my way around the room. Flashes of lightening illuminated the darkness, followed by the roll of thunder making me jump. I groaned and muttered curse words, as I placed the flame to a pretty little candle that my mom had sent to match my room.

Then I snuggled back under my blanket, holding it to my chin while trying not to quake. I chanted, _be brave, be brave, be brave…you're an idiot, you're an idiot, you're an idiot. _And I yelped and cursed when my phone chimed.

**R U OK?**

It was from Edward. The thunder must have woken him as well. My insides soared, as just the sight of his words granted me instant comfort and blanketed me in warmth and safety.

Quickly, I wrote back.

**Yeah but I'm kinda scared.**

I waited impatiently for a reply, which felt like ages. It was just nice to talk to him. He made me feel so safe.

**U want me to come over?**

I gasped and tensed in surprise, because not only was I not expecting that but I really didn't know how to answer it.

My heart was yelling _Fuck yes, get your ass here now, boy!_

But my head was saying, _No you stupid girl. This will undo everything_.

My heart was thrumming again, with a thrill of nervousness and delight. I bit my fingernail contemplating his offer. I absolutely did not want to be alone, however, when I texted him the previous night that I missed him and he didn't reply, I assumed that he did in fact, did not return the sentiment. So I sent back my answer.

**No**

Another jolt of thunder crashed into the sky with fury and I jumped again biting my lip. Shiiiiiiitttttt. Shit, shit, shit!

**Yes**

He immediately wrote back.

**Gimme 5, K?**

Oh God, oh God, oh God…

**K**

I grabbed my candle and my phone, and flew to the bathroom to brush my teeth, not even giving a shit about the superbly creepy shadows the candle flickering was casting on the walls. I couldn't see what I looked like, but then again he wouldn't be able to either, so I figured it didn't matter too much. I was wearing leggings and a really tight tee shirt that was probably inappropriate, but in the half second that I cared, I thought that the guy had been watching me undress for six months, not to mention that he'd seen me naked on many occasion, so it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I bolted down the stairs, motioning to punch the numbers in the alarm keypad, but remembered since the electric was out that it wouldn't be necessary. Opening the front door a crack, I pressed my nose against the glass storm door, nervously waiting for a sign of him.

Then, splashy footsteps pounding the wet pavement…and there was Edward on my front porch, illuminated in ghostly light by the storm flashes. He was soaked and panting, and as he came through the door I held open for him, he whispered a breathy, "Hey." It reminded me so much of _that _night and a shiver ran through me at the memory of him shaking and sick.

"Oh, you're soaked…" I said gaping at him stupidly, as though I expected him to be dry in a torrential rainstorm.

He lifted up a knotted plastic bag that dripped water on the throw rug in the entryway. "I brought dry pajamas with me."

"Oh…good thinking." Actually, it would have been really nice if he hadn't brought anything dry so that he could prance around in his undies.

_Yeah,_ _soooo this is awkward._ "Um…so do you want to change… or…some…thing…"

"Oh, uh…yeah." He kicked his waterlogged Nike's off by the door and hung his jacket up on the wooden coat tree thing. He hesitated to remove his baseball hat, but he just kind of cringed and took it off, running his hand through his wild bed head.

I motioned for him to go ahead of me, but since I had the candle it made more sense for me to lead, and then I slipped around him, almost making him trip, causing myself to stumble lightly in the process. "Sorry," I muttered shaking my head at my clumsiness.

He changed out of his clothes quickly in the bathroom, using his phone for light, as I slipped into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin again. He came into the room, in dry flannel pants and a tight white tee shirt, looking delicious and beautiful and tugging at the hem of his shirt because he didn't know where to go. In one swift move, I slid over to the left side of the bed, giving him the right, which was his usual side. Without words, he lifted the covers, climbed in and turned on his side. I heard the faint sound of tinkling, like metal or something as he settled himself in the bed and ran his hand underneath one of my many pillows.

The candle flickered softly on the nightstand giving the room a warm glow, scenting my bedroom with a faint hint of calming lavender. Edward was about a foot away from me, and I could smell him, his cologne and his soap and it was so familiar and it felt so comfortable and…_right._

Outside it thundered fiercely again and I jumped, muttering to inanely to myself. Edward and I both chuckled at my own expense. I sighed, thinking it was a good of a time as any to break the awkward tension.

"When I was five, my dad brought home a puppy. I had been asking for one for the longest time and my father finally caved. My mom was so mad, because she didn't want the hassle of something else to take care of, and I was little you know, so I couldn't exactly be responsible for it. There was this big storm just after Christmas. The puppy was going nuts because he didn't like the thunder and stuff, and when I opened the door to let him out to pee, he got spooked and bolted. I ran after him…and I got so lost in the woods. I couldn't believe how far I had gone….

"It was hours before they found me. I remember it was so dark outside and the thunder…" I shuddered recalling the feeling of being so frightened, like it was yesterday. "I was so scared and cold…my toes were like…icicles. But they got me warmed up and there wasn't any permanent damage, but all I could think about was Patsy…out there, scared and cold and alone."

"So that's why you're afraid of storms," he whispered.

"Yeah. They um…they found him a few days later. He'd been hit by a car on the highway and he died." I teared up at the memory, quickly brushing the moisture off my cheek. "We never got another animal after that. Not even a fish."

"I'm so sorry," he said softy.

I rolled over onto my side, with my back facing away from Edward. I didn't reply. After a long time of quiet, I thought he had fallen asleep, so when he cleared his throat and spoke, he startled me.

"What's his name?"

"The dog?" I asked, confused knowing I already mentioned this. "His name was Patsy."

I could almost hear Edward roll his eyes. "No...the dude you went out with last night. What's his name?"

My whole body stiffened at his brusque tone. His words were clipped, clearly he was hurt or mad just mentioning the name.

I shut my eyes and whispered, "Jamie." He repeated the name softly almost like as though he was trying to reinforce it in his mind. I also thought I heard him mutter in a whisper, "Douchey name," but it could have been the thunder playing tricks on my ears.

I rolled over to face him. Even in the flickering candlelight, I could see that Edward's eyes were sad.

His jaw was set tight, as he ran his fingers over the ruffled edge of my pillowcase, his eyes flickering to mine. "So you like him? Is he a good kisser?"

I frowned. "E it's not really like that. We're friends but…"

He hissed through his teeth in obvious disgust. "Yeah, Alice mentioned that several times," he scowled. "So you didn't kiss him then?"

I closed my lids, not wanting to see the hurt reflected in his eyes when I told him the truth. "Edward…please don't…it was nothing…I couldn't..."

He gasped lightly. "So that means yes." His voice cracked, as he ran a hand roughly through his chaotic hair.

My eyes locked with his. His pupils were dark and stirring, a cloudless sky of anger. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Edward mulled over this with his jaw clenched. He sighed, taking a long pause and then eventually whispering, "Don't be. I kissed someone too…last night."

I sat up on my elbow abruptly. "What? Who?" My stomach rolled with the thought of him being with someone else, someone else's hands on him and tongue in his mouth and fingers weaving in his hair. _Oh God, please no!_

I swallowed thickly, holding my lip from trembling. "Edward, please, please tell me it wasn't _her_." My voice was so small, I didn't think he could have even heard me.

He said nothing, but continued to stare. "Edward?"

"Tanya? Fuck no, it wasn't her. I …I saw you leave with that guy last night and…I was just so fucking pissed so I went to this party and I don't know…."

"And what? You kissed some random chick to get back at me before you even knew I did anything with Jamie?" I gasped, sitting up rigidly. I knew I had no right to be mad.

We weren't together when I had gone out with another guy and I knew he saw me leave with him…I would expect that he would be hurt, maybe even devastated. I should be glad that he still gave a shit, not that any of my actions were meant to intentionally hurt him. I scrambled over to the edge of the bed shaking in anger that I had no right to feel.

He lunged forward, pulling my back tightly into his chest. "Bella, stop…stop…" he whispered in my ear, dragging us back to the spot we were in previously. I struggled against him, but he stilled me with his firm hold. Edward's hands locked mine to my sternum, cradling them against one another. God, he was so close...the hardness of his upper body molding perfectly into the curve of my back. He smelled so familiar and comforting and...arousing. It had been ages since I had felt him against me like this and I missed it so fucking much.

"I kissed her because I was mad at you and…I fucking…God, I want you…I want to be with you, only you but you won't _let_ me." I could feel his heart racing, vibrating at my back as his words whispered in my ear. "I love you…_only you_, Beautiful."

"How?" I asked hastily, my voice shaking. "Who is she? Did you sleep with her?" I croaked, pushing his beautiful words to the back of my mind. All this time how I longed to hear them but I couldn't get the image of him with his mouth on someone else's, even though I had done the same thing. I also knew that I had no right to be mad. I broke up with him and he had every right to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. I waived that privilege when I let him walk out my front door the night I told him to be on his own.

"How? She's eighteen, and it doesn't matter who she is because she doesn't mean a thing to me. And no, I did not sleep with her."

I looked over my shoulder, hurt and repulsed. "Then why did you tell me about her at all? Just to hurt me?"

His hot breath moved over my skin like a silk ribbon. In a whisper, he answered the words that explained everything.

"Because I fucking missed the hell out of you, and because you hurt me, Bella. And…I needed to be honest with you. I felt really shitty about it, and I guess knowing that you did the same thing, it was…I don't know, easier to live with…and I don't want any secrets between us, anything that could come back to bite us later."

"Do you like her? Do you want to be with her again?" I whispered in a shaking voice.

"I already told you what I want."

I used my shoulder to wipe away tears…tears of joy and of sorrow, knowing that Edward still wanted to be with me, even though he had been with someone else. He pressed his face into my hair, kissing my head softly.

"Do you want me to leave?" he whispered. I could feel his body tense up behind me.

I swallowed back the lump in my throat knowing the answer immediately, but giving the reply a pregnant pause.

"No."

He repeatedly stroked my hair from my temple to the curve behind my ear, softly, reverently…lovingly, until the tears were gone and the world faded to blackness.

**~%~**

**Suzy did an outtake of Tanya's POV from the party. It's on my profile under Outtakes, Chapter 4 Just A Bitch. **

**Another outtake will come up pretty soon from Alice's POV about the night Edward gets drunk and yells outside her window. It's kind of pivotal to the storyline, though it isn't necessary to read it, but you should, cause it's drunk, cute Edward and what's better than that? Maybe drunk, cute, **_**naked**_** Edward?**

**Add me to Author Alerts and you'll get future outtakes directly.**

**Rec:**

**The Unaccompanied Soul**** by JMCullen09- **Bella finds Edward in an old abandoned hospital. He's been abused and abandoned there since he was a child…really well written and very touching**.**


	35. Chapter 35 The Reason Is You

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**Thank you to Erika, for her wonderfully thorough proofing skills and to Suzy who is the chocolate in my peanut butter bunny egg and who makes this story good.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 35~ The Reason is You**

**I'm not a perfect person**  
**There's many things I wish I didn't do**  
**But I continue learning**  
**I never meant to do those things to you**  
**And so I have to say before I go**  
**That I just want you to know**

**I've found a reason for me**  
**To change who I used to be**  
**A reason to start over new**  
**And the reason is you**

**I'm sorry that I hurt you**  
**It's something I must live with every day**  
**And all the pain I put you through**  
**I wish that I could take it all away**  
**And be the one who catches all your tears**  
**That's why I need you to hear**

**Hoobastank~ The Reason**

**~Edward~ **

I can't quite recall the exact day when it happened, but I remember the moment when I actually noticed it. It was the same day everyone else noticed too…the day I woke up and felt some semblance of normalcy. It was a Friday in late March, nothing remarkable about the day, nothing remotely significant, except that it was poignant for me.

I just remember waking up feeling this distinct lightness in my chest that held a vague familiarity; enough to be recognizable, yet still so foreign. I'd stepped into the shower with this song stuck in my head and kind of hum-singing the words absently, as I got ready for school.

"You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, hum hum hum hum, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night…."

Bella loved that song and sometimes to deliberately be annoying she would crank it up in her car and sing as loudly as she possibly could. It was one of those feel-good songs, that no matter how bad of a mood you were in, it just made you crack a smile…or in my case, a smirk.

Her singing voice was generally awful, but I never really heard the off key notes, just choosing to focus on the carefree joy that she had when she sang her heart out with reckless abandon. I realized that the feeling of carefree joy was something that I _knew_…I had once experienced it on a daily basis with no appreciation whatsoever of its existence. I could certainly recognize it…I could understand what it was…but I hadn't really comprehended the idea that I would ever be able to feel it again. Until that morning.

There I was, on just a regular morning, the smell of banana pancakes and turkey bacon wafting up the back staircase from the kitchen causing me to smile instinctively at a memory of shoveling snow. I bounded down the stairs with more energy and enthusiasm then I normally displayed, not really even able to help it. It was just there, and there wasn't a single part of me that repressed the urge to fight it back because I rather liked the sudden buoyancy in my step.

I planted a big ol' sloppy kiss on my mom's puffy cheek and patted her growing belly. She'd put on a substantial amount of weight in the last few weeks and we'd all been gently teasing her about it. Needless to say we had discovered that she was hoarding this enormous stash of non-organic junk food in her bedroom closet and when she came out with Twinkie crumbs on her face she was caught unapologetically, blaming the baby for her cheating. And she was adamant about not sharing.

Since we found out that the baby was a little girl, she'd been walking on air, buying tiny pink dresses and little pink shoes and just…pink shit. A fuck load of pink shit.

She giggled, eyeing me curiously as I continued to hum the happy tune while pouring myself a glass of orange juice. Jasper, Emmett and Dad were already scarfing down their portions as I joined them at the table. I helped myself, pouring a festive swirl of all natural no sugar syrup onto my stack. I stabbed my fork into the fluffy pile and brought it to my lips, pausing when I realized their chewing had slowly come to a halt and all three of them were staring at me.

"What's up?" I said, popping the pancakes in my mouth.

Em cocked an eyebrow. "Uh…what's up with _you_?"

I shrugged my shoulders, continuing to eat.

Jasper leaned in, whispering, "You get laid or something? Maybe got yourself some hooker stashed up there in your room?"

I chuckled lightly in amusement. "Yeah, you caught me. You know how I like my whores." I shook my head in disgust.

Em and Jasper looked at each other questioningly, chancing a glance at my father who wore a small smirk on his face.

Jasper leaned forward whispering, "You _on _something?" I gave them both a pointed look narrowing my eyes.

"Absolutely not, and quite frankly, I resent the insinuation, fuckers," I hissed, pointing my pancake loaded fork at them.

"Language, Edward."

My father hedged, "Something happen with Bella?"

"No," I responded a little sadly, wishing terribly that it had. "I just feel…good?"

The three of them shrugged their shoulders, resuming their eating, but my dad continued to smile into his panncakes, and my mother, still across the kitchen, took up where I had left off humming.

**~%~**

Despite the unrelenting cravings I had for Bella's company and the perpetual sadness that accompanied having her not directly in my life, I made substantial progress emotionally and mentally. I assumed it was a combination of the intense therapy sessions and the new antidepressants, which motherfucking rocked by the way, but particularly baseball. And maybe even perhaps I owed some credit to the drug counseling…I hated every minute of it and resented being there, but it was helpful to be able to see how to handle life without the assistance of psychotropic substances to mask my issues, as well as having the knowledge that I wasn't alone in needing the pain to go away. And that it was okay to feel that way, just not to _act_ on it.

But playing baseball again gave me an outlet to focus my excess negative energy on, while taking me back to a familiar place in my life that I never thought I would find again. The endorphins released during the exercise had effectively killed my last lingering bits of depression, finally giving me a few long lasting moments of clarity. And I loved it all; the hard work, the satisfying burn of physical exhaustion, the repetitiveness of the pitching, the fact that I was kept busy every single day, the persistence and encouragement from my coaches and even the teamwork and the camaraderie I'd found in my teammates. And I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I didn't fucking love winning every single game I played.

I'd started to hang out with Connor, Eric and Tyler more, realizing that they were pretty cool guys. They didn't smoke cigarettes or weed on a regular basis, so it was nice to be able to hang with them socially and not have the temptation or the pressure to do anything destructive; besides the fact that my brothers were never around on Saturday nights, always with their girls. I never took up their invitations to join them because hanging out with them served as a constant reminder of not having Bella there, and obsessing over what she was doing.

At one point, I toyed with telling them about Charlotte and my situation, but as much as I liked them, I still was wary about trusting anyone new with this. It would likely ruin my reputation- not that I gave a shit what anyone outside of my team thought of me, but I didn't want to chance it. I was the reason the Forks High School baseball team was on its first winning streak in fifteen years and I enjoyed being associated with _that_, not with the fact that I was accused of raping a girl.

The guys only asked about the Bella situation once, and only because they were trying to find out for some senior chick if I was single and open to dating. She was hot and everything, so I was most definitely flattered but I wasn't remotely interested. I was still trying to come to grips with what was happening with Bella and me, the fucking mess I made still always there, like a giant sparkly pink elephant in the room.

My ignoring her was an attempt at letting her go.

Dr. Kate had asked me one day, on a particularly Bella-centric session, what I wanted for her. I told Dr. Kate that I wanted Bella to be happy, and that was the simplest truth. There wasn't much I could do to control the situation as it was, except to allow Bella the opportunity to get herself into another relationship; one where she could experience what normal dating was like, with things like hand holding in public, and kissing like typical teenagers. Yeah, the thought fucking sickened me, but I figured with all the shit I had dragged her through over the last eight months, I owed her.

I suppose a part of me knew she still cared deeply for me, and that it would take some time for her to begin dating again, if ever. There wasn't a single part of me that truly wanted her to move on, but since I couldn't give her when she deserved, then my only option was to let someone else provide it for her.

Once the initial anger subsided, I just pretended to be indifferent, only speaking to her when absolutely necessary, but holding my tongue from screaming that I fucking loved her. It killed me every day to see her so solemn all the time, wondering if I had everything to do with it, yet knowing in my heart that I did. She never really seemed happy like she had been when we were together, and it made me so fucking sad to know that it was _me_, who was now letting _her_ go emotionally, for _her _benefit, just as she had done similarly for me, only in the physical sense.

I don't know how I never got caught as I was always staring at her, watching her every move. We only saw each other at school, so my daily doses of Bella were limited to fourth through eighth periods.

During cooking class especially, I took advantage of her proximity, making small talk but ending the conversations abruptly before the glimmer in her eye could escalate. I loathed hurting her when all I really wanted to do was drag her into the fucking pantry and kiss her senseless.

And even though I had noticed that her bedroom blinds had been reopened again, I never went to that side of the balcony. I mean, I didn't smoke any more anyway, but I kept myself away from there to give her the respect and privacy she deserved.

I thought I was doing the right thing for her, being able to give her what I couldn't by letting her think I didn't care. Dr. Kate mentioned that in her opinion, it wasn't right to lead Bella in the other direction even if it was for her benefit, simply because it was dishonest.

She also said it was somewhat noble in theory, but the look she gave me when I told her about what I was doing, said she didn't believe for a second that I would be able to handle Bella dating when and if it came to fruition.

And she was fucking right, because the night that guy pulled up in front of her house, and she emerged looking fucking ridiculous, I lost it. I stood there in the middle of the street feeling as though I had been sucker punched in the gut, all of the wind leaving my lungs in a quick gush as she drove away with him...this _him_, that I had been aiming so hard for her to have. I had to sit on the curb with my head between my legs just to catch my breath just to ward off a panic attack or a shit fit…whichever came first.

The silence that followed was unbearable. The guys looked at me with pity and embarrassment, as I had pretended not to give a shit about her all this time and practically disintegrated as we all watched her leave with another guy. Alice rushed over, in Bella's obvious attempt at damage control, insisting that this guy was just a friend. But her slightly mocking tone as she explained alluded to something else…that maybe Bella was bullshitting her with the friendship crap, or that maybe Alice herself was omitting the truth to spare my obviously damaged feelings.

I didn't stick around long enough to get any pity or unsolicited advice; instead I threw the basketball violently at the tree closest to me and made my way back inside the house cursing loudly, not giving a fuck who heard or really, what anyone thought. It didn't take a genius to realize that I loved Bella and that her actions stung regardless of what I had been pretending to do all this time.

I sat brooding and angry, dripping water from the shower on my couch, scrolling through missed calls. It was the first time I had felt this way in months, and I didn't miss the hollow, festering anger in the least. I tried to think of positive, happy shit that would divert my thoughts, I even considered calling Dr. Kate, but it was Saturday night and I didn't want to be the asshole patient who interrupted her dinner on a weekend with my girlfriend problems.

And so when I got the message from Tyler that there was a party in Port Angeles, I decided without hesitation that I was in, because I sure as hell was in no mood to hang out with Jazz and Alice or Em and Rose watching them have what I couldn't.

They picked me up around nine, and we swung into town before hitting the party to grab some beer from the convenience store. Tyler used his brother's license for once, letting me off the hook, while I waited in the car with the guys. Although I was hesitant about it, we made a last minute run to JB's place, because Eric had wanted some weed. I was in and out of there without small talk or bullshitting of any kind, simply because the company he had over made me highly uncomfortable. There were a bunch of people sitting around doing coke and I was completely disgusted when it was causally offered to me. There was no part of me that salivated over it, or found any desire to have that in my system, even though I was in a shitty mood and I knew that it would definitely make me feel a fuckload better for a bit.

I left his house, so fucking proud of myself not only for rejecting it outwardly, but for not physically needing or wanting it. I decided that would get through this shitty night on my own.

However, that theory was all well and good until my fourth beer sat happily in my stomach and the buzz started to kick in. I hadn't eaten since breakfast before my drug counseling session, and the alcohol was absorbing pretty quickly.

We were at this party for some girl who Eric and Tyler hung out with, and by all of the festive signage that was hung announcing "Happy 18th Birthday Tori", I assumed the pretty girl in the sparkly tiara was indeed Tori. From what I was told, this girl was like the head cheerleader and Homecoming queen and was like a big deal or something.

By the copious amount of alcohol that was being consumed by the obviously underage crowd, it was clear that the party was unsupervised. With the amount of people outwardly inebriated, it was safe to assume that the party had been swinging for at least a few hours.

Being that drunk people were entertaining to watch, upon my suggestion, I steered them to a table outside where the crowd was diluted.

I cringed as a group of girls flocked immediately toward us, hugging my friends enthusiastically with squeals of happiness that they had finally arrived. One of them, a staggering busty blonde with a ridiculously short skirt, jammed her tongue down Eric's throat before he could even say hello to her.

They all looked kind of familiar and I figured out that I recognized them from some of the ball games they had come to. I thought it was funny that these guys who were just average nobody's at Forks, were like celebrities with the PA crowd. Funny how that worked.

I was introduced to the girls, deliberately double fisting bottles of Bud so that I could avoid handshakes if they were offered. It worked effectively and didn't make me look rude, just eager to get drunk. The one girl, Tori, kept looking at me funny while she made small talk with the guys. It only took a few minutes for me to remember where I knew her from-she was at my house _that night_, and she had been standing in front of my appliance drawer. I had handed her the can opener after I opened my beer, thinking that she reminded me of Bella… a lot.

I wished her a happy birthday just to be nice.

"It's Edward, right? You look so familiar. Where do I know you from?" She popped herself onto the table beside me, crossing her long legs.

I was so unbelievably tempted to reply, "In your dreams," but I could never be that cheesy motherfucker, even when the inspiration hit. It had been a while since I had pulled out my suave card, so I just shrugged, wondering if she would ever get the joke. She was quicker than I expected, though.

"Oh, you were at that party at that huge house in Forks, right? There was a crazy girl fight that night!" Her friends whooped excitedly in recollection.

"Yeah, I was there. That's actually my house." I took a sip of beer, forcing a smiling at her, trying to push away the memories of that night. If I just would have stayed the fuck downstairs….

"Oh, no kidding! You gave me a can opener." Her eyes narrowed in scrutiny. "You look so different."

It took a few seconds until I remembered that night I had returned from my truancy officer in conservative or what Bella refereed to as my nerd clothes, with my hair parted to the side.

Having had a few drinks in me, I simply stated, "Yeah, I had to see my parole officer that day. You know… make a show of appearing to look like an upstanding citizen." I had expected her to laugh, thinking it was a joke, or slink off the table and run for her life. Instead her eyes widened, and she licked her lips…intrigued. Her eyes scanned the length of my body, trying to assess whether by my clothes or whatever, if I was lying or not.

"Really? What did you do…to get yourself a parole officer?" she asked sheepishly, biting her lip and…yeah, she was totally batting her eyelashes at me. She liked Bad Boys. I was willing to be this girl only dated the Quarterback of the football team because it was what was expected of her, all the while really wanting to get banged from behind by a criminal.

"Might have stolen a car…or something." I shrugged indifferently, not really giving a fuck. It wasn't an actual lie. I mean I did steal a car at one point. The attention had drifted away from us anyway and was focused on Eric's hand groping the blonde's ass, so no one was even listening to me but Tori.

"Really?" she asked wide eyed. I swore I could hear her panties dampen.

"No, not really," I chuckled, grabbing another beer off the table behind me. She smacked my arm playfully as I handed the beer to her, before turning around again to get myself another. I didn't even cringe at the contact, however, I sort of stared blankly where she'd hit me, remembering how often Bella had made the same playful motion before she knew my situation.

"I got into some trouble a while ago. You know…he said, she said bullshit. It's not really a big deal." That was the most underplayed explanation I could ever imagine coming from my mouth.

Inwardly, I laughed thinking that it defined my whole fucking life but it wasn't a _big deal?_

But at that moment, it really wasn't. Because sitting there with this gorgeous girl, who was fascinated by my every word, I realized that I could touch her, and she could reciprocate, there by making my current plight _not_ a fucking big deal.

She stayed there for a while, bullshitting with me about college and music and whatever came up at the moment. She was a little ditzy, but I couldn't decide if it was because she was drinking or because she was just an airhead. Every so often, I would glance at the back gate, thinking that Bella would walk through at any moment, considering her "friend" was from Port Angeles, as Alice had mentioned. I wondered what she was doing at that moment and took another sip of beer, wishing I had a cigarette. When one of the girls lit one up, I bit my tongue, before finally giving in to the temptation and asking her for one. It made me choke and burned my throat, so I tossed it.

Someone brought out a cake blazing with candles and Tori jumped off the table to go make a wish or whatever. Her friends followed, while I stayed put just drinking my beer and enjoying the buzz. The guys stayed behind as well, telling me how bad this girl fucking wanted me and how lucky I was, because Tori was very selective.

If I heard, "It's Tori fucking Hunter and she wants your shit, man! Oh man, if you fuck her, I want details," one more time from Eric I was going to beat his ass.

Eric openly admitted he'd been trying for a shot with her for like two years, and Eric was pretty decent looking and got his fair share of girls in Forks. All that did was make me roll my eyes. This girl was pretty, but I wasn't particularly impressed by anything else. Maybe because I was fucking obsessed with someone entirely different.

Tori returned later with two slices of cake on a plate and bottle of Smirnoff raspberry twist vodka. I had no desire to touch the cake, but I was definitely down for a shot. Her girlfriend poured a row of shots, and once the last glass was filled we raised them in a toast to being eighteen. As I clinked my glass with the others, I wondered if Bella was drunk somewhere with her new boyfriend.

After questioning why some of Tori's guests were wearing Mardi Gras beads and carrying stuffed chickens, I learned that there was some school run carnival that night. I was willing to bet that Bella and her boy were there and that the douchebag was winning her prizes and treating her to ice cream and cotton candy and probably whispering sweet fucking nothings into her ear as he held her goddamn hand.

"Edward? Did you hear me?" Tori giggled, abruptly bringing me out of my thoughts.

Tori turned my face toward hers with her finger gently on my cheek. "I'm sorry, whuh?" I responded, hearing myself slurring my words. My lids were heavy and aside from the internal struggle I was having with Bella out on a date, I felt fucking good. Numb, but good.

In a very sing-song drunk voice, she said, "Come on, I want to show you my car. My parents got it for me for my birf day, because they looooove me." She stood up, pulling my hand and forcing me to slide off the table. I followed her without protest, trying to make my way across the yard, with her leading me all shitfaced. Every few steps we took someone hugged her or wished her a happy birthday and it should have been annoying but I was too far gone to care. I liked the way her hand felt in mine.

She guided me out to the driveway, where a brand new convertible Volkswagen Something sat. She petted it like it was a cat and cooed, "Isn't it so pretty?"

It was red like Bella's car. I nodded enthusiastically, trying not to stumble.

In my inebriated brilliance I commented, "It's shiny." When a look of disappointment passed over her face, I added just to make her not feel badly, "And awwwwwwesome."

"I think _you're_ pretty awesome." She cocked her head to the side, slowly walking forward with my hands clasped in hers until I was backed against the garage door.

"Why thank you," was about all I could respond with because I was seeing double and now there were two girls that looked a lot like my Bella. When she was just inches from me, she started rambling on and on about something having to do with the car, that I couldn't quite understand and then she stumbled on her heel. I reached out to catch her at her waist, pulling her into me. I moved backward with my hands around her waist, until I was at a three foot high brick retainer wall around her front shrubs, and sat, with Tori positioned between my legs.

How fucking odd.

We stayed there for a while, just looking at each other. I more or less looked through her, because since there were two I couldn't decide which girl to focus on, and trying to think about it made me nauseous. I leaned my forehead against her stomach, breathing in and out slowly, trying to find my bearings. I hadn't realized that my hands were around her waist still and hers had begun to travel up my arms curling around my biceps. When she leaned in, I didn't move away. I don't know why, I just sort of wanted to see what would happen, like a science experiment of sorts. It was more out of the idea that I _could,_ rather than whether I really wanted to.

My thumb slid along the waistband of her jeans, gliding over the skin at her hip. She was warm and smooth and the action made her hum. She leaned down and her lips brushed along my neck to my ear, where she whispered, "It's my birthday…can I have a kiss?"

My breath hitched, catching in my throat. I didn't know if I wanted this. It was just a fucking kiss, not a big deal, really. Before I could even think about saying no, she was sucking on my ear lobe. I moaned a little, just from the surprise of it, not expecting to be so intimate with this girl whom I'd just met. It just…honestly, it felt good. I closed my eyes and let her continue, not really giving a shit about anything but the pleasure I hadn't felt in so fucking long. My hand slid almost involuntarily down her ass to the back of her thigh, and quickly back up to her waist again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tyler walk past us in the driveway heading toward his car while on his cell. I nodded to him and he nodded back in response.

Tori turned, briefly distracted by his presence. But then her lips dragged against my jaw line and then she was pressing little kisses to the corner of my mouth. I indulged her, giving her a few chaste pecks in return, before she pulled back and stared at me with blazing eyes. Her fingers caught the leather cord around my neck, pulling it from its hiding place under my shirt and tickling my neck.

"What's this?" she asked as the rings jingled in her palm. I snatched it from her gently before she could see what it was, dropping the rings back into the collar of my shirt.

"Don't worry about that. It's nothing," I snapped, effectively ending any and all discussion there.

Because it was fucking _everything_.

Though she had no idea, I detested the fact that she had her hands on something so sacred to me, so private. Her eyes narrowed a bit, as she stared me down, almost looking like she was pissed off. And then out of nowhere, she came in like a hunter stalking its prey and attacked my mouth, her fingers gripping the back of my head, running through the hair at the nape of my neck roughly, tugging and pulling. Her kisses were fast and furious, almost angry and as much as I liked a little hair pulling, she was really hurting me. Then she bit my bottom lip, hard and I immediately tasted blood. What the fuck? Yeah, I was pissed.

I pulled away from her, wiping my mouth with my hand, glaring at her in disbelief. On the back of my hand was a streak of blood from my lip.

"Owwww…fuck that hurt. I'm bleeding!" _Crazy bitch._

She pouted. "Ohhh, I'm sorry." Her lips touched mine softly this time, and I flinched when she made contact realizing that I didn't feel like doing this with her anymore. I felt nothing, no tingles, no passion…I didn't even have a semi. And it wasn't for lack of being attractive-I mean the girl had a smoking body and she looked so much like Bella, with long dark hair and big brown eyes, but that was just it. She wasn't fucking Bella. Even though I was a dumbass for not going forward with this, being a single teenage guy that was usually horny as fuck and extremely deprived as far as sexual stimulation went, I just wasn't into this. I tried for a second to block memories and images of Bella out, screaming for her to leave me the fuck alone in my head, but it didn't work.

I missed my girl.

I wasn't turned on by Tori and I knew then that I didn't want to continue this. My stomach rolled with a wave of nausea as she tugged on my hands pulling me up from the brick wall to stand.

"Come on, let's go to my room," she whispered with a wry smile, batting bedroom eyes.

"Yeah, uh… I'm not feeling so great," I said, truthfully. She looked so dejected, but I couldn't find it in me to feel bad. "Look, I'm sorry, but…" I scrubbed a hand over my face, really wanting to go back and hang out with the guys, anywhere but there. "I can't do this…I'm sorry." I gave her an apologetic smile before I walked toward the gate back inside the yard to the party.

I realized then, that hanging out with Tori, trying to put a Band-Aid on my hurt ego and shattered heart, was no better than indulging in cocaine when I was feeling like shit. It was a temporary fix…and I didn't want it. I would rather feel the pain than mask it.

It felt damn good to walk away on my own accord.

She stood there with her mouth hanging open, calling after me, "You're serious? But it's my birthday!" I swear to God, she stamped her foot on the driveway in a tantrum.

The guys were still in the same spot that I had left them, drinking and finishing of the cake that neither Tori nor I had touched. Only Tori's friends had left them. I slid back onto the wooden picnic tabletop, noticing Eric was leaning down behind Tyler, trying to inconspicuously smoke a joint. He gestured it to me, but I shook my head, thinking how stupid he was.

Our coach gave us regular threats of random drug testing, so that was one of the main reasons I stayed away from the weed. The other reason was that I was making a genuine effort to clean myself up. Tonight had been the first night I had drank alcohol in almost a month in a half. The last time was when I had two beers while we watched a fight at one of Emmett's friend's house. Before then was _that night._

Though I had to admit, I missed getting high, particularly with Bella. She was funny as hell when she was stoned. I wondered if she had smoked without me since we'd broken up. Who would she smoke with though? Not Angela…maybe Alice? There was no way Jasper would smoke with her and not tell me but….

"I'm fucking bored," Connor said slurring. "And hungry."

"Diner?" Tyler perked up with his eye brow quirked. He was our designated driver for the night, and entirely enthusiastic about leaving.

"I could eat," I replied cheerfully, eager to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. I didn't say good-bye to Tori and I didn't even feel bad about it.

We ended up at the diner in Port Angeles, stuffing our faces with fries and burgers. The three of us had been working our asses off with baseball, and at the coaches insistence, he had put us all on this high protein-low carb food regimen, which none of us were too thrilled about. It wasn't so bad for me because I'd already gotten used to eating like a fucking tree hugger, but these guys weren't. They sucked down their food noisily, which made me sick to watch, while I picked at my cheeseburger, not really having much of an appetite. I just wanted to go home.

As soon as we paid the bill and headed back to Tyler's car, Eric covered his mouth with his hand and puked the entire contents of his previously eaten meal next to a dumpster. Some poor homeless guy, who we hadn't even seen sleeping nearby, got up and started screaming that Eric blew chunks all over his only pair of shoes. He was dressed in a green army jacket over several layers and was filthy, but through his thick beard and the dirt, it was evident that the guy wasn't some crazy person…he was just displaced. He picked the boots up to show us, dripping and splattering bits of Eric's regurgitated meal onto the pavement.

I felt so bad for the guy, that I was about to offer him money, but I knew no store would let him inside to buy another pair of boots. I mean he was standing eight feet away and I could smell his foulness from where I stood. It made me shudder. Without over thinking it, I kicked off my Nike's, picking them up off the ground and walked over slowly, avoiding vomit splatters, offering them to him. I assumed he wouldn't be too particular about the size, given his limited alternatives.

He just looked at me in disbelief as I nudged him with the sneakers.

"Here, just take them. I have another pair." I had like fifty pairs, so yeah, it was no hardship. The guy took them from me as he gazed down at my socks longingly.

"You want the socks too?" He didn't say anything, but one look at his gnarly toes poking out of the shredded holes in his own socks, and I knew I had to give mine to him as well. I was still drunk and not giving a fuck, so I sat on the curb, ignoring the wide eyed stares of the guys while I pulled off my white socks and handed them to the homeless dude along with whatever cash I had on me.

_What? My feet were perfectly clean and had no stinkage whatsoever._

He looked at me with such gratitude; it made my heart ache a little. "God bless you, boy."

"God bless you too…take care, okay?" I nodded and followed the guys to Tyler's car, grimacing as my bare feet touched the cool, rocky pavement. I prayed to God that there was no E-Coli or Ebola or anything else beginning with the letter E, particularly Ejaculate or any type of bodily Emissions. Fucking gross.

I had already likely been given some saliva borne disease from a chick I didn't even know, so I guessed by that point, preventative measures were futile.

By the time we got back to Forks, the drunken discussion regarding the pros and cons of real tits versus fake had taken a nasty turn into specific vagina smells, all in effort to egg on Eric's looming nausea. I learned way more than I would ever prefer to know about pussy, specifically that Jessica Stanley had CheezeDoodle snatch and that Kristie Taylor's poon smelled like vinegar proving that she was either big on using feminine douche products or that she had a serious ph imbalance.

"I didn't need to know this shit, guys," I said groaning, leaning my forehead against the window. God, the whole car was still fucking spinning.

"Hey Cullen, stop being such a pussy!" Eric yelled from the back seat, laughing.

I snorted, "What, I'm a pussy because I don't like to hear about stinky poonanny?"

"Leave him alone, Dude." Tyler laughed as he pulled down my block. Bella's car was in the driveway, her bedroom light off. I breathed out, hoping she was home and asleep already and not still out with that truck driving, preppy, PA mother fucker, doing God knows what.

"So speaking of stinky poonanny…what happened with you and Tori tonight, huh?" Connor was hugging the seat in front of him, his face uncomfortably close to mine.

"Nothing that would allow me to get a whiff of her crotch, that's for sure. The bitch bit me, man. She bit me."

Eric shoved Connor out of the way, poking his head between the seats. "So you just made out with her? Any tit grabs? You cop a feel?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and I smacked him on the forehead. It actually felt good to hit something.

"Jesus Eric. You're worse than a fucking girl!"

"Nah, there was no groping," I responded with a chuckle. "Well…maybe a slide and feel. Could that be considered a grope? But I was seeing two of her, so I wasn't even sure which one I was touching."

"Slide and feel is definitely a grope."

"No way man, slide and feel is exactly that. A slide….and then a feel as the slide uh…slides. A grope would constitute some sort of squeezing. Was there squeezing, Bro?"

I shook my head. "Nope, definitely no squeezing. Just sliding."

"Was it on purpose, or accidental?"

"Of course it was on purpose. It was Tori fucking Hunter!"

"Uh, I don't know. It wasn't really either. I was drunk. My hand just was there and then it wasn't." Honestly, I really had no idea. I barely remembered the details proving that I didn't really care one way or another.

After some further deliberation, it was unanimous. A slide and fee was definitely_ not_ a grope.

"Okay then you're in the clear."

"Dude, you get a chance at a piece of Tori's ass and you don't fucking take advantage of the goods? That's just sad. Like a crime against humanity." Eric huffed as he pouted in the backseat.

"Yeah well, even if I did take advantage, which I did not, I wouldn't be rehashing the details to you fucking perverts to go whack off to. I've heard you in the locker room."

"Cullen doesn't kiss and tell."

I rolled my eyes because there was really nothing to tell anyway. I didn't know exactly how much Tyler saw on the driveway, but for the sake of prevention, I added, "Yeah uh…speaking of not kissing and telling, can you guys please do me a favor and keep quiet about tonight? I don't want Bella to hear about this from anyone but me. It would fucking hurt her and…she doesn't need to get hurt any more by me."

"Edward, Bella got picked up by a guy tonight and drove off with him right in front of you, and you're worried about _her _fucking feelings? You're a better man than me. Fuck her, I say," Connor added as we idled in front of my house.

I shrugged, the alcohol still running through my system causing me to feel particularly open this evening, though these guys were pretty much strangers to me.

"You've never been in love before have you?" I asked, turning around to face Connor.

"Nah. But I did fall in love with a great set of tits once. I think I even asked them to marry me. I don't even remember who they were attached to, but man they were prettttyyyy... all round and perky and pink. Can't remember her name, but man, I remember the tits."

"You my friend, are an asshole," I laughed. "Have you ever loved anything but a set of rocking tits?" I smirked shaking my head. "Let me tell you a little something about when you meet a set oftits that are attached to a girl so amazing you don't even fucking notice anything else. When you're in love…_real_ love, and you feel like your whole world revolves around her every move and you feel like when she enters a room you can't fucking breathe because her laugh captivates you or the way she just like…looks at you… and you _know_… that she could make every mundane moment spectacular just by being there…and your heart races at the mention of her name…there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for her…fucking nothing."

The four of us sighed reverently, Tyler adding, "That was so fucking beautiful E…I think I'm gonna cry, man!" And then we all burst into laughter at the corniness of my drunken words.

"It sounds fucking cheesy, but it's all true," I admitted shyly, sort of embarrassed, but still not sobered up enough to give a fuck.

"So…why did you and Bella break up again?" Connor asked seriously.

I sighed. "Cause I fucked up and I'm an asshole and…she called me out on it."

Eric beamed, "The blonde chick at your party, right? I knew it. Now_ she_ had a great set of tits. Newton talked about her for like a fucking week afterward."

"Woah, you fucked her?" Connor asked all joking gone from his tone.

"Who Tanya? I …well, yeah we… but a long time ago, and then…not that night, but she sorta thought I did but there was other stuff that happened and … I would never do that to Bella."

How the fuck did I even begin to explain that?

I shuddered visibly. The thought of being with Tanya actually repulsed me. I think it was the coke association coupled with the way I felt upon seeing Bella's face that made me sick to my stomach every time Tanya popped into my head. Since that night, I hadn't even bothered return her many, many calls or emails. I just wanted the girl out of my life permanently. She was like a disease.

"I just…." I struggled for a way to explain it without having to get to the gritty details. If I was going to be friends with these guys, real friends, than I figured they needed to know a little about me, as unpleasant as it was to get so personal. They just gaped at me as though I had a set of tits dick growing from my forehead…confused and bewildered.

"Our whole relationship was just messed up from the start and I did some shit that well…betrayed her trust. I'm not getting into the details because, I just don't fucking feel like talking about it to be honest, but…yeah, I hurt her, and she doesn't deserve that."

"So you want Bella back?" Eric asked.

I huffed, leaning back into the seat wiping a hand over my eyes. "More than you can imagine."

"Then dude, you gotta go get her back." Connor said, poking his pointer finger into my shoulder. "You gotta get her back before she falls for that preppy fucker."

I groaned. "No, but see, that's what I wanted was for her to meet someone else, so that she could like...I don't know...experience life and shit. And now that she has moved on, I can't just go and take it all away from her."

I suddenly realized my toes were fucking numb. "Jesus fucking Christ, I gave my shoes and socks to a homeless guy, didn't I?"

"Yeah, cause I puked on the poor guy's boots. That was cool of you, by the way." Eric patted and squeezed my shoulder. These guys were very touchy feely. It was weirding me the fuck out.

Connor poked his head between the front seats once again. "Look, I don't know what's up with you two, but you love her. You think she still loves you?"

"I have no fucking clue to be honest. You think she could?" I asked, suddenly filled with hope.

Tyler looked at me dead seriously. "There's only one way to find out, right? You gotta ask her."

Connor, in all his drunken vigor yelled with a fist pump, "No, no, you gotta tell her that you love her, man. Go tell her right now! Go stand outside of her window with a CD player and declare your undying devotion!"

I scratched my head, sitting up straight as the enthusiasm suddenly hit me. There was no way in hell I was reenacting a cheesy eighties movie.

"Should I call her? Text her maybe?" I asked. But what if she was still with that guy, she wouldn't even answer her phone probably. He wasn't at her house, I knew that much. Maybe they were right. Maybe I needed to tell her that I wanted her back.

"No, go over to her house! Go tell her you love her and then go kiss the shit out of her…and then maybe you'll even get laid. Here, have some condoms," Eric said, tossing a row at my head. I squished one between my finger absently before I realized I was practically molesting a packet of rubbers.

"Eric...really? Glow in the dark variety pack? When the fuck do you use these ...when the circus comes to town?" I tossed them into the back seat.

"Yeah, I like the bearded lady."

"Ok, I'll go," I said enthusiastically. "I'll tell her right now."

"Go for it dude. Let us know how it turns out."

I thanked them for the ride and sort of stood on my driveway in the chilled air fucking barefoot and jacketless as I waved them off. I knew I needed to tell her. I had to let her know that my ignoring her had all been a ploy for her to move on, but what if it was too late? What if….

"Fuck it," I said to myself, sprinting down the street until I was in the yard below Bella's window yelling her name.

**~%~**

"Fucking hell," I groaned, looking at the clock. It was after two in the afternoon and I was hung-over like a motherfucker. My mom had been banging on my door yelling for me to get my ass up or she was going to break down the door. There wasn't a part of me that didn't believe she had the hormonal equivalent of a pro wrestler coursing through her body at the moment, so I conceded, trudging to the door. I was in nothing but my underwear and I didn't give a fuck.

"Why are you still sleeping at two in the afternoon?" she demanded with her hands on her hips.

"Cause I'm hungover, ma. I drank too much last night and I feel like shit," I said, turning around to make my way back to the bed. My voice was gravelly and hoarse, and my tongue felt like a tiny shag throw rug.

"And before you begin lecturing me, this was the first time I drank in a very long time, I wasn't driving and I didn't do any drugs. Kay?" I pulled the covers over my head tightly effectively shutting her out. She would have none of that though, and proceeded to go into full Mom mode, ripping the covers off me in one swift motion.

"Alcohol is a drug, Edward. Please tell me you aren't going back down that road…"

"God, no ma! I just…ugh." I sighed in extreme irritation, snatching my comforter from her clutches covering my head again.

"Everything okay?" she asked a few seconds later, softening her tone as she sat down beside me.

"Everything is fine."

She was quiet for a minute or so and I thought she had left. Well, I'd hoped anyway.

"Jasper told me about Bella," she said softly.

I threw the covers off my head. "Of course he did. Douchebag. He teases me about being a mama's boy but he's always the first to tattle on anyone. What a fucker."

She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth in disapproval. "Please watch your mouth Edward. If your sister's first word is _Fuck_, so help me God I'm gonna strangle the three of you!" She huffed and sort of growled. "Jasper told me because he was worried about how you would handle it. And obviously…." The mom brow went up and her hand passed over me like Vanna Fucking White unearthing a vowel, scolding me for drinking.

"Yeah…I was upset last night. I kissed a girl…_she was eighteen_…don't get all crazy on me, ma."

She just sighed loudly expressing her disapproval. "Are you going to see her again?"

"No, I don't like her. But I'm gonna talk to Bella. I have to let her know how I feel before…well, maybe it's too late already, but Alice is gonna help me try to get her back."

She sighed again, loudly. "Sweetie, do you really think that's a good idea? You are doing so well and I don't want to see you relapse because you're back together dealing with all the same issues again. You know I love her and I want you to be healthy and happy, but…."

"It will be different this time. We'll take it slow…play by the rules…." I ran my hands through my hair. "That's even if she wants to, Mom. Right now, I just don't know if she feels the same. I pushed her away for so long and…maybe she likes this guy, maybe she's already…_fuck."_ I rolled over, smashing my face into my pillow in frustration with a groan. There was a distinct possibility that Bella could like this guy a lot. From what Alice told me, they had been talking almost every day and they had even met for lunch once. The truth hurt a whole fucking lot.

I was admittedly jealous of this guy simply because he could take Bella on a regular date and fucking hold her hand and make her feel normal. Like I said, it was what I wanted for her. I wanted only good things for her. But the circumstances had changed slightly. I was better, stronger and more resilient. I knew I had made mistakes, with the drugs and Tanya and I was determined to never allow that to happen again. I would do everything in what little power I had to make sure I made this right.

I was torn between giving Bella a chance for some happiness with him, and fighting for her happiness with me, not even knowing if I could provide it. But I decided at that moment that I would tell her how I felt, that I loved her beyond words and that if she wanted me to let her go, I would.

But I was going to fight like hell first.

"Oh!" she suddenly gasped. "Sweetie, give me your hand!" My mom said it with such urgency that she ripped me from my musings. She had been trying to let me feel that baby kick for months and every time I put my hand on her, the kicking would stop. I sat up quickly letting her take my hand as she pressed it against her belly, which felt so frigging weird the way it was taut but squishy at the same time. I felt a tiny thud against my palm and gasped, pulling away.

I put it back with a chuckle, and another little thud vibrated against my palm and then another and we laughed until she stopped kicking my hand.

"Are you scared?' I asked her.

"Of what? Having a baby?" I nodded. "No, it hurts for a little bit but then you get this amazing prize afterward." She ran her hands through my hair affectionately. It felt better than anything.

"I am...scared. I want to be a good big brother. I hope I don't disappoint you or her," I said quietly.

"You will be a wonderful brother. Just so you know sweetie, you make me proud every day and you are by far my very best accomplishment." My mom leaned over, kissing my forehead before she rose off the bed. "Let me know if I can help you with anything regarding the Bella plan, okay? Now get your ass out of this bed and bring me your dirty clothes. I have this necessary feeling that I need to wash today...strip your bed too." She suddenly stopped barking orders at me and cocked her head to the side.

"Edward? Why the hell are your feet so filthy?"

It took me a second to recall exactly why they were, bringing back a flood of memories from the previous night. "Oh that…well it's a long story. Let's just say I did a good deed." She made a harrumph sound before she headed out.

"Hey Ma?" I called, before she could escape. "Is there any pink paint leftover from the baby's room?"

"There's quite a bit, actually. I think there's some yellow too. You thinking of redecorating?" Her eyebrows rose as she scanned my room warily.

I rolled my eyes and smirked. "Yeah, actually, I am. I love you, Ma…both of you."

**~%~**

Instead of lounging around all day nursing my hangover, I brought down my laundry, scrubbed my feet raw in the shower, and got to work planning my strategy.

I knew Alice was working most of the day and she wouldn't be able to help me as she had promised, but I began to gather together everything I thought I would need to get this done. I mean, maybe it was lame or stupid or maybe the end result would be completely humiliating to me and nothing short of disastrous, but I knew I fucked up this whole thing with Bella. I knew what I felt in my heart and in my head wasn't going to go away any time soon, no matter how hard I tried to push her away. And regardless of the fact that she was probably better off without me, I knew damn well that I had to act quickly before things progressed with the preppy fucker.

I figured that if she wanted him, then there was nothing I could do to sway her feelings; and that if it was meant to be that way, then I would accept it and let her go. But if Bella and I were meant to be together, I would do whatever it took to show her how much she meant to me and how far I was willing to go to keep her in my life. There was just no other option.

And this time, I was prepared to make it work, even if it killed me.

**~%~**

It wasn't until a crash of lightening startled me from my sleep that night, that I noticed Bella's text.

_She missed me._ She went out on a date with another guy and she fucking missed _me._

_Ha! Take that you preppy, truck driving, PA motherfucker._

And I knew then, that there was only one thing I could possibly do at that moment, knowing she was alone and likely scared of being in the storm. I had to go and protect her, take her fears away and show her how much she meant to me. I had to use the opportunity to give her my heart again.

Hopefully this time, she would keep it.

**~%~**

**The song that Edward is humming is Smile, by Uncle Kracker- great song.**


	36. Chapter 36 Grand Gestures

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. .**

**As always, kisses to Erika for proofing this beast…you are awesome bb, and to Suzy for the countless hours of listening to me ramble about this shit and your valued input. ILY.**

**Special thanks to Mel, who took the time out of her very busy life to help with Edward's case. I know, you would prefer sexual favors from him as opposed to monetary payment. I'm working on it.**

**Thank you to everyone who is reading…still.**

* * *

**Listening to this will enhance your reading experience greatly. Trust me, you'll swoon. Close the spaces between the dots.**

**http : /www . Youtube .** **com/watch?v=M3uoKsCZ0RU**

* * *

**~High Anxiety ~**

**Chapter 36~ Grand Gestures**

**I've been beaten down **

**I've been kicked around**  
**But she takes it all for me**  
**And I lost my faith**  
**In my darkest days**  
**But she makes me want to believe**

**They call her love, love, love, love, love**  
**They call her love, love, love, love, love**  
**She is love**  
**And she is all I need**  
**She's all I need**

**Well I had my ways**  
**And they were all in vain**  
**And she waited patiently**  
**It was all the same **  
**All my pride and shame,**  
**But she put me on my feet**

**She Is Love~ Parachute**

**~Bella~**

Edward must have woken up as soon as his phone alarm vibrated in his back pocket. His arms were still around me, hugging my back to his chest in a snug embrace but I still felt the vibrations of the phone. He slowly uncurled himself from our spoon, nuzzling his nose through my hair andkissing my temple softly before he rose from the bed. I was barely coherent and still quite groggy and mentally exhausted from the previous night's events… his admission of still loving me, and of kissing another girl….

I had been too upset to respond to his words, even though they meant everything to me.

He didn't stay for pleasantries, only whispering softly, "Em's waiting for me to go running. I'll see you later." I turned toward him, wanting to speak, to say something, _anything_…but instead watched in the darkness as he retreated out of my bedroom door with a haste that concerned me.

I had no frigging clue what to make of it, what had happened between us, what was even going on. I wanted to tell him his feelings were more than reciprocated, but he didn't afford me the chance. I wondered if he left so quickly because he thought my lack of acknowledgement at his admissions the previous night were because I didn't feel the same about him; when in fact it was because I loved him so much that I was unable to express my feelings.

I rolled back over, burying my face into the pillow as my eyes shut on their own accord,as I heard the soft click from the front door lock. The next thing I knew, my alarm clock was flashing twelve o'clock, and it was after nine in the morning; well into second period. With the power restored, I showered and dressed as quickly as possible, heading to school before my father received a call from the office that I was absent. I made a quick call to Charlie anyhow, just to tell him that I was running late because the power outage caused me to oversleep.

Edward wasn't in fourth period English. I had convinced myself that he ditched because he was avoiding me. He probably felt as though by not saying anything, I had hurt him again, and my stomach turned with the thought of him in any more senseless pain because of me.

But then there he was, sitting at our lunch table, munching on what looked like chicken salad. As I sat down in the chair across from him, he gave me a quick smile, said hello and went back to eating.

While everyone around us talked excitedly about the prom—which, by all the obnoxious glittery signage told us that it was only four weeks away, subtly threatening that we'd better get our stupid tickets quickly or they would be sold out, which was complete bullshit, because there was no way they would have limited seats to the frigging prom, and trust me I knew, because Angela made me join that committee too—Edward and I were just sort of exchanging awkward glances, neither of us really knowing what the hell was going on between us. We needed to talk, desperately.

Out of nowhere, Tyler came bounding into the cafeteria, pulling a chair from a neighboring table, spinning it backwards and abruptly sitting down. He had this big shit eating grin on his face as everyone looked at him expectantly.

With his hands braced on the table for effect he said, "Okay so…it took a shit load of begging and pleading, and I swore to them anything broken would be replaced, but…we got the house."

Everyone at the table erupted into cheers, except me of course, because this was nothing to celebrate. However, I offered a little smile, while I swirled my baby carrots in ranch dip with unnecessary hostility, as to not to be the downer that would spoil their seemingly good news. It did not escape my attention, that Edward was pretty excited about "getting the house" too, which immediately incensed me, because was he planning to go to the prom? By himself? Or with….

While listening sporadically to bits and pieces of the past few months conversations, from what I understood, Tyler's family had this big mountain house somewhere between Forks and Sequim. They were all waiting with baited breath to hear from his parents if they could all occupy the house prom weekend. Apparently, his parents were feeling generous.

I bit the inside of my mouth, trying to dispel the massive dry lump sitting in my throat. Tyler rattled off some stuff about how much each couple was supposed to contribute towards alcohol and food as I grew more agitated by the second. While they all chatted excitedly about more after-prom details, I suddenly had the urge to leave the room because I hadn't felt this outcast since California. Not that it was any of their faults, mind you.

"You're coming too, right Bella?" Tyler asked me, as I slid my chair back from the table, wrapping my lunch up to throw it away. I narrowed my eyes at him. He was friends with Edward. He had to know I wasn't going.

"Um, no. I wasn't…I don't have a date…or a dress," I muttered, giving him the evil eye.

Everyone's conversations had suddenly quieted down so they could openly gape at me.

Across the table, Edward let out a sardonic, "Pffft," under his breath. Ten heads snapped to stare Edward.

"You have a shitload of dresses," he said assuredly. "I know for a fact that there are five white ones in your closet."

Ten heads focused back on me. I scowled at Edward. "True, but I still don't have a date."

Connor piped in, "If you had someone to go with would you go?"

"Why?" I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Are you asking me?"

"Uh no, but Ed…."

Edward's head dropped into his palm in defeat. "Very subtle guys," he muttered. "Thank you."

"Oh shit, sorry bro." Conner and Tyler both cringed, giving me apologetic looks. From the corner of my eye, I saw Alice give Edward a stern nod…of encouragement.

_Ohhhhhhh._

And then I understood what was happening. My face was suddenly stuck in a perma- grin, but I quickly pulled my mouth into a tight line as to not look overly eager. I was bursting inside. I decided to play along.

"Yeah, I suppose I'd go if I had someone to take me, but seeing as how I don't…."

The corners of Edward's mouth curled into a smile that he too tried to suppress, but failed. He leaned back into his chair, giving me a full self-satisfied grin. He sighed exaggeratedly cocking his head to the side.

"Bella? Would you like to accompany me to the prom?"

Mimicking his position in the chair, I leaned back too, eyeing him down with a smirk…a challenge. All of a sudden I felt like one of those old west gun slingers...waiting for the ominous oooh e oooh sound and a ball of tumbleweed to pass by.

"Eh, I don't know…I was kind of holding out for Mike to ask me first."

Edward rolled his eyes and angrily muttered, "Newton," under his breath. It was mean but I loved when he got all flustered.

"Mike's going with Jessica," Alice added with a shrug, as if I had ever really considered in this lifetime attending the prom with Mike Newton.

I turned to Tyler, teasing. "Well, in that case…I guess I'm stuck with Edward after all."

Edward made that "pfffft" sound again while shaking his head. I wanted to lick that self assured smirk off his face. I decided that I liked cocky Edward…a lot.

The girls exploded into fits of joy, bombarding me with prom talk that I had pretended to block out for the last three months. While they assaulted me with plans to go dress shopping and what kind of shoes were in style, and detailed descriptions of the stupid boat that the actual prom was to be held on, Edward and I just smiled at each other. Without words, we both knew that this was a very good thing. I was elated beyond comprehension to actually attend the dance with my friends and equally as excited to see Edward in a tux.

_I was going to the prom...with Edward Cullen. _

However, as always in my life, when a happy sunny day peeks through the clouds, there was always a thunderstorm looming on the horizon. My main concern was getting Charlie to agree to let me stay in an unsupervised house full of teenagers for a weekend. It would be a feat in itself, and it seemed as though it would be yet another big thing that I would miss out on. I chose not to think about it.

Edward and I discussed a few minor prom details in Bio, but Banner effectively shut us up by busying us with final reviews which were still three weeks away. Other than that, nothing further was said regarding the status of our relationship, not that either of us knew anyway. It was weird…and wonderful at the same time.

That afternoon, I watched him practice from my spot on the second floor, trying to decide if since I was in fact going to the prom with him I could probably go to his practices and games without having to be all incognito. Maybe I could even be welcome to join the gang for ice cream afterward.

The next day, right before English, I went to my locker to retrieve my stuff for class and found a lovely bouquet of wildflowers accompanied by an envelope placed gingerly on top of my books. I went straight to class, noticing that Edward's seat was empty and he was MIA again.

While the teacher went over our final essay topics, I inconspicuously opened the flap, while carefully avoiding giving myself a paper cut, and realized that it was a letter. After excusing myself to the bathroom with the letter shoved in my purse, I perched myself on the bathroom windowsill, pulling my legs up off the floor.

_**Dear Beautiful,**_

_**I wrote a different version of this letter a while back, just before you found out about the window thing. I had to rewrite it, because so much has changed since then, yet so much has stayed constant, which is equally comforting and frustrating.**_

_**The very first time I saw you walking down the street, I thought you were absolutely stunningly beautiful. Okay, well…it was more like "fucking hot," but I'm sixteen, and my mind is usually located somewhere near the gutter. I watched you walk into a big old two by four, lose you footing and still thought you were gorgeous. Do you remember that day?**_

_**And then that night, before I even knew your name, I saw you through the window undressing. I knew it was wrong and I sort of felt like shit about it, but you captivated me with your beauty and your body and the way you moved … and I just couldn't get enough of you.**_

_**Then when we met, and I got to know and love your inner beauty, I knew you had a hold of me by the balls. I couldn't stop watching you then, because I had nothing to offer you in the form of a normal relationship, so it was the one connection I had with you that I could indulge in. It was very, very wrong, and I am truly sorry for insulting you and violating your trust as well as your privacy. I should have told you a long time ago, but I was afraid you would hate me. Or close your blinds, which in the end…you did both.**_

_**Before last night, it had been seventy-nine days since I had held you, felt your skin on mine, smelled your scent all around me, heard the words, "I love you" whispered from your lips.**_

_**Seventy-nine of the most agonizing days of my whole life because they were spent without you.**_

_**I do not, in any way, deny that what I did the night of the party was terribly wrong. I admit that I have many issues that have yet to be resolved. But I have been working very hard at acknowledging my demons and accepting full responsibility for my actions, past and present. I have done a great deal of healing— mentally, emotionally and even spiritually, if you can believe that. I have come to a point where I no longer need you in my life to make me a complete person, to make me feel worthy. I have accomplished a pretty good sense of self confidence entirely on my own, and realized that I don't need anyone to make me feel like a good person but myself.**_

_**The difference now is that I want you in my life because you make me feel that way. **_

_**You aren't a crutch for me any more. I can stand on my own, and make it through the day without you. Only I don't want to, not for one second longer. **_

_**I am asking for this opportunity to prove to you not only exactly how much you mean to me, but how much I have changed because you leaving me pushed me to that point. I owe you more than you could ever possibly know.**_

_**I understand that you are at the point where you should be moving on from the bullshit I have created for you. I guess the little shred of maturity in me applauds you for going out there and getting on with your life, for being able to be strong and grow without anyone but yourself to take credit for that. **_

_**But the sixteen year old punk kid that loves you to death is pissed off and I am putting on my gloves now, because I will not go down with out a fight. And it is at this point where I have to stop pretending to be angry with you, and stop ignoring you because I wanted you to have a life without me in a normal relationship. I can't do it anymore, Beautiful. I want you to be happy, but I simply can not watch you move on without me because I know in every part of my heart and soul that we are meant for each other.**_

_**This is the most selfish thing I will ever do in my whole life, because right now, I should be letting you go. I should be telling you to move on, giving you my blessing to be with that guy who can hold your hand and kiss you, and treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated as. **_

_**But I need you to see that we belong together. I need you to understand that I love you more than anything in this world and I will do whatever it takes to make you believe that is true regardless of what we have been through. I know we can get through this together. You have to trust me. I know that is a hell of a lot to ask, considering my track record, but do you think you can trust me?**_

_**And just so you know, this isn't about fear, or desperation or not wanting to be alone. This is purely about love. Strong, beautiful, real love that doesn't happen every day. It's not perfect and it's not fairytale love with a big bright happy ending, because we both know I am in no position to make promise about giving you a present or future with any of that.**_

_**All I am asking is for the chance, and if you don't want me in your life anymore, than I will accept that and I will let you go. **_

_**Okay not really, but I'll try.**_

_**Because I love you whether you want me or not.**_

_**~E**_

_**Oh, by the way, having you accompany me to the prom has made me the luckiest guy alive. I am so proud to have you by my side, even if we can't dance together or anything. I owe you one.**_

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry tears of frustration or joy, so I just read the letter over and over, hearing his sweet voice clearer each time. I didn't even care that the whole class would probably think I was inflicted with some sort of horrific diarrhea related episode having been gone for thirty five minutes of the period.

Quite frankly, I was torn between being pissed and elated. He had been ignoring me the whole time because he wanted me to think he didn't want me anymore so that I would move on? Who the hell told him that was a good idea? _Dumb ass boy._

But I decided that it was unimportant, and the words he wrote said everything that he didn't articulate while he was allowing me to move on. _Dumb ass._ I was soaring, fully understanding and making use of the phrase, "walking on cloud nine."

When I went back to English, twenty-one sets of eyes stared up at me, but the only pair I wanted to see were the most perfect shade of green and were not there. My stupid teacher, obviously having noticed that I was absent most of the period, said aloud, "Bella, is everything okay?"

I muttered with a smirk, "Everything is fine. Perfect, actually." For clarification, I really wanted to add that I did not in fact have the squirts, but I refrained.

I was dying to see him, but of course, Angela and I had a talent show meeting during the first half of lunch, leaving only a few minutes left of the period. I hadn't paid attention to a damn word of what was said because I was still flying high on my love letter. She would fill me in later anyhow.

When I walked into the cafeteria, Connor immediately moved over a seat, graciously offering me his chair. I sat down next to Edward leaning in, taking an inconspicuous whiff of his yumminess. There were no longer the once familiar traces of soap and cologne and the cigarette smoke of Au de Derelict. Now it was just good, clean boy.

"Thank you so much for the flowers. They're beautiful. And the letter…."

"You're welcome, but…can we talk about that later?" he replied softly, his eyes shifting to our crowded table before landing back on mine. I knew Edward was a very private person, so I understood him wanting to keep this just between us. He leaned back in his seat, sliding his arm along the back of my chair. It was the equivalent of hand holding in our world.

I was disappointed, but I changed the subject quickly. "You ditched English again," I said matter-of-factly, as though he wasn't aware of it already.

Jasper snickered, knocking Edward in the ribs with his elbow before commenting, "Yeah, he had some notes to take care of." I had no idea what that meant, but obviously Edward did, because he chuckled and then shook his head, taking a bite of his sandwich from home that I was betting was filled with Tofurkey. He offered me his un-eaten diagonally sliced half, but I politely declined. I had missed dinners at the Cullen's for the company…_not_ the cuisine.

Once we got into cooking class, I used the opportunity to openly acknowledge the letter while making chocolate crêpes together.

I told Edward that everything he said in the letter was extraordinary and so beautiful, but proving himself to me was totally unnecessary. Basically, the fact that he was now happy (mostly) and healthy was enough; he had put forth more than enough effort for me to accept that he was trying to right his wrongs with wholehearted genuineness. And this wasn't about me at all…it was about _him _getting better, which he did...and amazingly, I might add.

Besides, he made me sound like I was completely innocent in this, and I was able to recognize and outwardly admit that I had made my share of mistakes as well. We were two completely inexperienced sixteen year olds with none of the answers and more questions and adult responsibilities than we should be handling.

But this…_us_…could we do this again? Or would another attempt at a relationship under extraordinary circumstances prove futile, only to hurt us both again?

It had been three months; three very long and agonizing months apart, but not really a long amount of time in the grand scheme of things. I wasn't sure if starting over was the right thing to do for us. As much as I wanted to be with Edward in any sense of the word, I wasn't certain if both of us were ready to revisit the torture of being in a non-touching relationship when there was clearly a physical want and need from both parties, coupled with a shit load of sexual tension to boot. And I wasn't sure if either of us would even be able to make it the thirteen months until Edward's eighteenth birthday. But I figured that the original twenty-two months had dwindled down to thirteen and it didn't seem like such a daunting task after all. Could we do this now that we knew what to expect?

All of this, I had no answers to. But what I did know was that it felt _right_. More right than anything had felt in ages.

In my heart, it felt like a good thing for us. And with all the positive changes Edward had made, I simply had to give us the opportunity to try after how hard he worked trying to get his shit together. It was what I had asked for, the whole reason I left him on his own to begin with. How could I possibly deny this to him? To us?

Besides, who was I trying to kid? I wanted this more than anything. I wanted _him_.

It was not without reservations though. What I was worried most about, was that he would relapse into his depressive state because of the non-touching thing, once things got heated up, which I was certain at some point they would. And I told him that if anything like that were to happen, then all bets were off. I needed him to be well first and foremost, and that if he started showing signs of depression again, it was a deal breaker. It wasn't completely selfless though. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear knowing I was the one to bring him down again after he had worked so hard to keep himself afloat.

Sometimes, I scoffed at my own maturity. All this I expressed as I licked the chocolate batter from the bowl with my finger and feed it to Edward off my spatula. He was in complete agreement, and I wasn't sure if his chocolate high had put him into an amiable mood or if he truly meant it. I was hoping and praying it was the latter.

And though it went without saying, I had to make this clear to him in plain English— Cocaine and Tanya, whether apart or separate, were not only a deal breaker, but I would fucking rip his balls off and proudly hang them from my rear view mirror like fuzzy fucking dice.

**~%~**

As much as I protested the idea that Edward needed to prove himself to me in any way, he insisted that I let him do this without hassling him. He had a plan…and he wanted to see it fully played out…something about closure and completing a goal or whatever. I wasn't sure if it was a counseling thing or an OCD thing, so I let him run with it, honestly eager and excited to see what he was going to do.

The first act of "Unnecessarily proving myself to Bella," (as we had come to labeling the events), were the flowers and the amazing letter. The second, was definitely more original, and after the initial shock wore off, not exactly what I would call practical, but the originality and thought was definitely there. Sort of.

Jasper had something to do after class, so Alice asked if I could give her a lift home. We walked outside to the parking lot after gym side by side, chatting carelessly, while nonchalantly noticing the crowd of people that gathered. Neither of us realized until we inched closer, that that the crowed was actually around _my_ car. When we finally got to see what they were all looking at, I was kind of speechless. Alice and I sort of cocked our heads to the side trying to figure out what the hell to make of it. It was just…weird.

My pretty little car was adorned with about a million hot pink Post-it notes stuck to every single available space on the automobile. But since only the top half inch of each of the papers was actually affixed to the surface, the papers fluttered in the breeze creating this bizarre sort of flickering wave effect. It took on almost a breathing motion…sort of reminded me of those anemone thingies that that fish….

_What the hell was his name?_

_Nemo._

Yeah…the kind that Nemo lived in.

It was actually really cool to look at, almost like an abstract moving art installment, but I knew neither Alice nor I would be caught dead driving around with the car festooned like that. Besides, not only did the pink and red clash horribly, but I wouldn't even be able to see out my windshield. We gaped at it in silence for a while with furrowed brows trying to appreciate it for the effort that it took, as well as for the sentiment, which I couldn't quite figure out was actually supposed to convey.

Alice snapped a few pictures for posterity before we got to work pulling off the notes. As some of my classmates strolled by, I could hear their chuckles as they pulled out their phones to take pics as well...

As I pulled off note after note, I honestly thought it was a practical joke until I put two and two together. Obviously that was where Edward was during fourth period, with his "taking care of notes" or whatever Jasper had implied.

And then I realized that the Post-it directly on the center of my driver's side window read,

_**You make my heart flutter. ~E**_

It was about as corny as one could get, but I loved it, and it was enough to elicit an exaggerated, "Awww," from Alice. I glared at her with narrowed eyes.

She held up her hands, which were full of Post-it notes, and said, "I had nothing to do with this, I swear. Prom on the other hand…." she tried to look all innocent but it wasn't working. And I was nothing but grateful for her interference, because I was totally going to the freaking prom…with Edward.

A quick glance at the emptying lot and I noticed that Edward's car was all the way on the other side of the main building, but I knew he never parked over there. I had the distinct feeling that was done purposely so that I wouldn't recycle the papers onto his car. As I tediously pulled off the millionth one I reminded myself that while the sentiment was sweet, the clean up was annoying, but it was the thought that was important. And that I loved him.

I kept the Post-it that he had written on, and as soon as I got into the car I pasted it to the center console right above my radio so I could look at it and remember the boy who loved me.

Later on, he told me that it wasn't so much an act of love as it was subtle revenge for returning the sparklepeen. I got it, truly I did.

_Point taken. Well done. Touché._

_Now give me my sparklepeen back._

_Dumb ass._

That very first week, as much as we flirted at school, we tried diligently to keep the new relationship progression very slow. Edward was busy with practice until five or so, and once he ate dinner, did homework and showered, it was too late to hang out afterward. I wanted to spend time with him pretty badly, but in the end, it was probably best that we didn't.

One night when Charlie was home, Edward came and sat outside on the porch swing in his pajamas with me just for a few minutes while we looked at stars and talked. It was one of the best nights ever simply because it was so honest and uncomplicated. And it also gave him the chance to say hello to my dad after not seeing him for a while. The tension between the two of them had lifted substantially. It wasn't totally gone, but it was significantly better than it was. I was able to breathe a little easier knowing that it wasn't going to be a fight with Charlie to welcome Edward back into out home.

Edward held back with the phone calls too, only calling me at bedtime to say goodnight. We probably could have talked for hours, but instead he kept it to a minimum, wanting to keep a respectful distance. I was pretty sure since he was up so early to run every morning and his daily workouts on the practice field probably kicked his ass that he was just really tired too.

And then there was Jamie. He called a couple of times, and after avoiding him for a few days, I finally came clean and told him that Edward and I were trying to work things out.

Jamie said that Edward was a lucky guy. It was nice to still be able to consider him a friend; though I knew Edward would have a hard time if we ever hung out, so that was out of the question. There was no way in hell I was going to sit back and allow Edward to hang out with that Tori home wrecker girl, so I gave Edward the same respect.

Jamie was actually pretty great about the whole thing, wishing us both luck and didn't call anymore after that. Every now and then I would get an email from him, but that was the extent of it.

Edward nodded solemnly when I told him this, as though he felt a brief hint of remorse or sadness over the loss of my friend. But I knew better of him, shaking my head as I caught a brief glimpse of a satisfied smirk on his smug face, clearly proud that he had won.

_As if it was ever a competition._

However, even though he was well aware that he was my heart and soul, he was far from done with his master plan to prove himself to me.

My friends, who had been avoiding Angela's constant reminders and pleas to attend the talent show for months, suddenly had this genuine interest in coming. After her persistent badgering, I had agreed to work the concession stand with Angela in the high school lobby before the show and during intermission. It made sense to do it because I had accepted the assignment to take pictures for yearbook as well, killing two birds with one stone and whatnot.

There was supposed to be a bonfire that weekend too, so I was assuming everyone would be going there after the show. I was looking forward to dancing and getting a little drunk to be very honest, because it had been a while since I had hung out with everyone and I was missing them something fierce.

However, I had no idea what Edward's plans were. He was really vague, telling me that he was probably going to the show and then to the beach afterward with everyone else. That made me happy, but his distant sort of standoffishness felt wholly unnecessary to me at that point. I gave Edward his space, knowing that he had his quirky ways and if he needed to keep things casual for a while than I had no choice but to comply. Honestly, I was just so happy to not be ignored by him that I was willing to take what I could get.

And so when that Friday night came, I got ready early, trying to look especially pretty, knowing that I might kinda sorta be hanging out with Edward afterward. Angela was already at the high school setting up the rows of chips, candy and sodas in coolers on the long table in front of the trophy case. She kept smirking to herself, and acting all nervous and weird, but when I asked what was up she shrugged her shoulders and gave me another assignment to do. She was very bossy when she was nervous.

Around a quarter to the hour, the building began filling up with people, walking noisily in droves to the auditorium. It struck me as odd when from the corner of my eye I saw Carlisle and Esme with her huge belly come in behind the girls and Jasper and Em. They all came over to say hello, and of course, I nonchalantly asked if Edward was there with them. Esme said he left something in the car and he'd be in soon. Knowing that he was there made my heart race and my palms sweat. I made small talk with them, marveling at the size of Esme's growing middle, warily touching it when she offered.

Weirdest experience ever, by the way.

But she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her, obviously proving that pregnancy agreed with her.

A few minutes later, Edward showed up looking nervous and fidgety, but as always, so frigging handsome I wanted to attach myself to his leg so I could hump it raw. His gorgeous smile effectively made important stuff tingle and he didn't even have to touch me to do it.

Edward asked if I would be at the beach after the show, and even though he had already asked me that afternoon, I reassured him again that I would. He was acting really weird too. What the hell? It must have been a full moon.

Once the lobby had cleared and the performances began, Angela and I watched from the back of the auditorium, not wanting to leave the snacks unmanned. Some of the acts were surprisingly good and others not so much. I took a million pictures with my super awesome zoom lens that Charlie let me borrow. As I eyed the telescopic lens, I laughed to myself thinking that Edward probably would have liked to have borrowed this a few months back.

I suppose it was good that I could laugh about it now. I had opened my blinds again just to let Edward know that I was no longer miffed about the whole thing, but he never said anything about it. I didn't know if it was because he genuinely didn't see because he hadn't been peeking, or if he did notice and just didn't want to get caught again. Alice insisted that I should be installing a pole and giving him pornographic strip shows or some shit. That girl was such a hooker, God bless her slutty little heart. Thank God Jasper couldn't see in her window, they would never leave the house.

On stage Jessica, Makenna and Lauren danced to a slutastically fabulous version of a Lady Gaga medley. They were so inappropriately raunchy for a high school talent contest that it was actually borderline comical and definitely cringe worthy, but Angela had a point when she said they would all make excellent strippers or prostitutes some day. At least they would have gainful employment prospects and something to look forward to. Who would have guessed that Forks would be the launching pad for some serious adult entertainment beginnings….

Intermission came and went in a flurry of money and bags of chips, cold sodas and candy bars. We sold out of everything, down to the last Snickers bar, which I bought myself because I was starving. I didn't even get a chance to see or talk to Edward, we were so damn busy.

After Angela and I cleaned up the table and gave the proceeds to Mrs. Miller, we went back inside the auditorium to watch the rest of the show. The sudden urge to go to the bathroom hit me and I leaned over to her whispering. "I'm gonna go pee, be right back."

"No!" she yelled, causing a bunch of heads in the back row to turn and glare at us as we disrupted some freshman's violin solo. "Just wait a minute, okay?"

"Why, Ang…I gotta pee." I noticed where my friends were sitting there was a seat empty and Edward was gone…and Alice was turning her head around looking for me.

"Just wait, okay? Cross your legs or something." She latched her arm through mine, successfully preventing me from moving. After the violinist took her bow and her round of applause finished, the red velvet curtains closed and the lights dimmed to black.

My heart began thumping erratically because then, I had a vague idea of what was coming. I assumed that if Edward would ever venture to do something like this, he would be playing a piano piece because he was so confident with the instrument.

But when the spotlight illuminated him sitting on a stool at the center of the stage holding his guitar in position, my mouth hung open in shock. I might have even drooled a little.

Amongst the packed auditorium, his whole family screeched and whistled and the scattered members of the baseball team whooped and hollered proudly yelling, "Go Cullen!" and "Edward, you sexy bitch!" which made his shoulders shake with laugher as rolled his eyes.

I stood there completely stunned, not even realizing that Angela had been slowly dragging me down the center aisle with her. My breath caught in my throat, and Angela squeezed my arm tightly, as Edward smiled.

I _knew_ there had to be a reason he was so nervous when he first came in, which also explained Esme and Carlisle's random attendance of the show as well as my friends' sudden interest in coming to something which was deemed lame not too long ago.

Edward gripped the lowered mic stand tightly in his hand, a slightly visible tremor to it, and cleared his throat.

"Hi, um…this song is called _She is Love by Parachute_ and uh…it's for my girl."

His fingers strummed the first cord before his green eyes scanned the crowd. When they found mine, he smiled widely, all the nervousness seeming to dissipate in an instant.

As soon as that first line of the song poured from his mouth, I was moved beyond words. I held onto one of the seat backs, gripping it so that my knees wouldn't buckle. This was the ultimate grand gesture and it took so much courage for Edward to put himself out there, in front of an entire auditorium of people watching him. I mean he was always in the spotlight when he played baseball, but this was entirely different.

The audience was hushed into an awed silence as he sang, words smooth as silk, flowing off his lips. It made me feel like a princess or something, so special to have this done for me. Someone in the audience whispered, "Oh he is so hot," and I rolled my eyes and giggled, because yeah, he most certainly was.

_And he was so good._

Every so often, he would stare right at me, smiling as he sang in a perfect serenade. I almost wished we were alone, instead of in an auditorium filled to capacity. But I suppose if we were, then I would probably try to jump his beautiful, talented bones and that would be counterproductive. I didn't even realize that Angela had swiped my camera from me and was taking pictures while I was busy swooning over my boy.

When he was finished with the piece, the crowd erupted into applause and whistles as he stood, nodded modestly and walked off clutching his guitar. His face was red with embarrassment, or relief, I couldn't quite tell. When I was suddenly aware that Angela had finally let me free from her death grip, I bolted out of the auditorium as fast as my heels would take me, around the back of the wood shop wing where the stage doors were. I saw him standing there, leaning against the wall with his head down still holding the neck of his guitar.

"Edward!" His head snapped up when I called him and I stopped short before I collided with him. "That was…oh my God, that was amazing!"

His face lit up a million watts, the smile bashful, yet proud. "Yeah? I've been practicing that for a while and everyone convinced me to do this. I thought it was kinda stupid, but Alice said you would love it, so…I'm glad you liked it. God, I feel like I'm gonna hurl right now," he chuckled, doubling over to catch a breath.

"No, don't puke! You were so good, Edward…so good. And Connor is right. You _are_ one sexy bitch." Edward and I both giggled. It was so hard not to throw my arms around him and embrace his delicious body, but I restrained my impulses, sliding down the wall to sit by his side. The ache to hold hands was almost palpable.

"See this is…" he whispered, looking wistfully at me. "This is where it gets really hard. Loving you is so fucking easy, but then this..."

He didn't need to finish his sentence for me to know exactly what he meant by that. The compulsion to hold back everything that felt right and natural for us was so crippling and frustrating and unfair. He worked so hard at getting himself better, but this one moment defined everything for us. We loved each other but we couldn't touch one another. It was that simple and that difficult. Still. Nothing had really changed, except us.

This was our life together. We chose it, and we made the conscious decision to deal with what it was.

And so we did.

We didn't hang out at the bonfire for long. We made an appearance, long enough for Edward to receive multiple accolades on his performance, have a beer and then split, just to hang in Edward's car alone. We talked for hours about everything we had missed, finally feeling free to divulge all of the missing time. I told him details about Jamie and when morbid curiosity got to me, I asked him to he tell me things about "Tori" and he did, and I cried. It wasn't a big deal, because they didn't do anything but kiss, but it was just painful to hear about, even though I had asked. I figured in the end, it was better to be honest than to have any kind of secrets.

It never even occurred to me that I still harbored a secret from Edward, probably the biggest one of them all. I had put it so far back in my mind that it didn't even register that it was the perfect opportunity to come clean about meeting Charlotte over Christmas.

Before we said goodnight, Edward rung his hands together nervously and asked, "So listen. I uh, I have a home game tomorrow at the high school and I was wondering if you maybe would want to come…to the game…to see me play. You don't have to, but I thought…Jesus, why am I so nervous about this?" He chuckled, making the awkwardness so unnecessary.

I sighed. "I would love to come. But, I have a confession to make." I cringed. "I've watched all of your practices and I've…been to every game except one because I overslept." I shrugged hoping he wouldn't find that weird, because it was weird.

"You've been there? Why didn't I know this?"

"I thought it would be strange, so I went, but I sort of stayed out of sight. I don't know, I didn't know how you would feel about me being there and I guess I felt hypocritical breaking up with you, but still wanting to be a part of your life when you clearly didn't want me in it."

"Oh Bella…" he said sadly. "I'm so sorry."

"No, don't apologize. I'm glad I went because I wouldn't have missed you playing for the world. You are so hot on that field. And I am so proud of you for everything you've accomplished. I am amazed at your ability to overcome this."

Even in the dim lighting in the car, Edward's face was beat red with embarrassment. I changed the subject to spare him any more pain, but when I left at the end of the night, he whispered, "Thank you for being there…."

That next afternoon, I went with Alice and Jasper to Edward's game, proudly sitting in the stands with his family, screaming his name. Edward winked at me before he ritualistically pulled out the necklace and kissed it.

Edward was a sight to see. I mean, now that I had a close up view, he was just absolutely incredible to watch. The power and skill behind his pitch was impressive to say the least. But the confidence he exuded showed even in his walk. He sort of strutted onto the field. Edward was a different person out there on the mound, he _owned_ it. He was home.

_And don't even get me started on the ass on that boy._

They won the game, of course, and we headed to Friendly's in town for ice cream. I sat there with the family that had become mine again, as they treated me as though I had never even been gone but was missed nonetheless. It was awesome. And Edward, though slightly sweaty and refusing to remove his hat, was glowing with pride.

Later that night, Edward and I went into Port Angeles with everyone to see a movie and grab something to eat afterward. It felt so nice being back with the crowd, almost as though nothing had changed…except for Edward. He was so different. He smiled and laughed and just exuded happiness. I knew it wasn't entirely a result of my presence, because he was displaying those positive changes before we started hanging out again. But still, I felt lighter than air, and happier than I had been in a very, very long time.

Could it possibly work? Could we possibly be together without being together and still make it to Edward's birthday intact?

Before we parted that night, Edward told me he had another surprise for me, but I would have to wait until the next day for it. I spent all of Sunday anxious and giddy, rushing through my party waiting to find out what he had planned. When I got home, I found a note on my front door that read: _**Follow the fruit.**_

I looked around noticing that a trail of Froot Loops cereal had been scattered from the front porch all the way to the fence that lead to the yard. It continued down the tree lined path toward the Cullen's property, a path that had been left untraveled for three months. I saw it from a distance through the trees, a sight that just couldn't be overlooked. I smiled so big my cheeks hurt as I neared the tree house, now freshly painted with a bright coat of Pepto Bismol pink paint. The little flower boxes were painted white, nailed back into their proper places and filled with fake daisies. The ladder and rock wall were painted bright, cheery green to match the slide, and over the arched door was my name printed in fancy lettering. I ran my fingers lightly over the wood on the side of the house, tracing the hand drawn heart with the letters E&B written inside.

It was beautiful. I climbed inside where the walls were now a happy yellow with furry pastel pillows scattered on the floor.

As if the house itself weren't enough, there were three new Barbie dolls still sealed in their boxes, along the far wall. Lying on the floor was a large pink photo album. I sat cross legged, pulling the album into my lap. Inside were pictures upon pictures of my mom and dad and I, Rose and Alice when we were little up until recently, and pictures of Edward and I apple picking, from Halloween and Christmas. There were pictures from various places we visited in Chicago, the skating rink, the Pfister Hotel and our Vegas trip. And then there were a bunch of random candid pictures that I had no idea had been taken, likely by someone on the yearbook staff. It was my whole life all in one place.

As I wiped the tears from my eyes I jumped when I noticed Edward perched in one of the doorways watching me. He had his chin resting on folded arms and wisps of pink paint in his wet hair, obviously not having been able to remove it even after showering. Edward wore a smile a mile wide though his eyes looked glazed over and tired.

"Do you like it? Alice and Rose helped me with it." He pointed to the book on my lap adding, "And that too."

"Edward, I love it, it's amazing, all of it…but you have to stop doing all this stuff now. You proved yourself a long time ago. I don't need anything from you except…you."

"Yeah well, I'm out of ideas at this point anyway," he chuckled. "So…are we…" he broke off hesitantly, his eyes pleading as he waited for me to confirm if we were officially back together.

I raked my teeth shyly over my bottom lip. "Yeah, of course we are."

He shut his eyes for a moment before he scrambled up the ladder to get inside the house as fast as he could. Before I knew it, he was sitting before me on his knees, sending me scooting backward into the wall. I hoped the paint was dry, because I really liked my jeans.

"You'll be my girl again?"

"I've always been your girl, Edward."

His smile was huge. "God, I love you."

"I love you too. Thank you for everything."

"It was my pleasure. I really want to kiss you right now," he said sadly. It was a statement, not a request.

"I want to kiss you too…." I leaned forward. Staring at his lips, his soapy clean smell with his close proximity sort of caught me off guard and I felt like I was stuck in some Edward Cullen mind fucking vortex. I literally had to shake my head to pull myself from the trance he created.

Pulling back abruptly I yelled, "But no! We said we were going to be good and play by the rules. We can do this, but we have to be good. We have to do this right, Edward. Otherwise this is torture and we'll end up right back where we were, and I can't do that."

He nodded, sufficiently chastised. "You're right. I'll behave. Sorry." He sat back, picking up the book and thumbing through it. He had included the pictures of skating, where I snapped him bundled in my silly striped scarf. We laughed together, talking about each of the pictures pasted into the book. I told him about some funny moments with my parents and with the girls and he listened intently, laughing with me.

It was the best sound I had ever heard.

I turned to him smiling. "Hey, can I have my ring back?"

"To wear?" he asked.

"No, to hang off my nipples. Of course to wear."

Edward smirked, pulling on the leather cord around his neck. As soon as I heard the tinkling sound I knew, and couldn't figure out why it didn't dawn on me sooner that he was wearing the rings around his neck.

"What am I going to kiss for luck before my games?" his mouth curved into a smirk.

I was stuck in the vortex again, so I whispered, "Me."

Edward's eyes widened with amusement. "I thought you just said we had to be good?"

"Shit, you're right. Your smile puts me in a trance. It's totally distracting and evil."

"Oh, is that right?"

I nodded dumbly.

He raked his teeth over his bottom lip and smirked like the smug bastard he was. "So I can pretty much get you to do anything I want just with…just a mere smile?"

"Stop it," I warned, pointing a finger at him.

He smiled again, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Stop it!" I squealed, swatting him with the album until he backed off.

He chuckled softly, rubbing his arm. "Of course you can have your ring back, but you're gonna have to wait until baseball season is over. I don't want to jinx the team."

"You'll wear yours too?"

He nodded. "It would be my honor."

We climbed out of the tree house, walking toward the Cullen's. I asked, motioning to the tree house, "Has Jasper seen it yet?"

Edward snorted. "Uh, no. He's gonna be so pissed though. It may actually be the reason he stops getting high."

Somehow I doubted that.

I would have liked to say that things with us returned to normal, but since our relationship could never actually be classified as normal, that would be a poor choice of words. We managed. Edward and I didn't spend nearly the same amount of time together that we once did, simply because our schedules were so busy now.

But that was good, because on the weekends, we were always together, hanging out with our group, sometimes with Carlisle and Esme, sometimes alone. We took walks in the woods, and had lunches in Port Angeles, watched movies…talked. Edward stayed away from the weed, as did I out of courtesy, and our friends were pretty considerate with curbing the PDA and smoking up in front of us. It wasn't as though Edward couldn't smoke, he just chose not to. Honestly, I missed it a little. High Edward was a fun Edward.

In the four weeks that had passed, things shifted with us once again. We were friends…best friends, and even though the kissing and touching part was always there, as was the blatant sexual frustration, we managed to gently acknowledge it, and then push it away. There was nothing we could do, so why dwell upon something that was out of our control? We were coping, and doing a pretty fucking great job, I might add.

I lieu of physical affection**, **we spent a lot of time writing notes to each other with things like, "I would so be kissing you right now," or Edward would whisper sweet things in my ear. He was constantly telling me how pretty I was and how happy I made him. We reverted back to some of our old ways of getting around the rules by feeding each other food and stuff. We talked constantly and we were honestly closer than we had ever been. All the while following the rules like good a little boy and girl.

Though, at night, it would be safe to say that I had never masturbated so much in my life. And since Edward had run out of lotion twice during that time, it was going to venture to guess that he was experiencing the same issues as I was.

It was a week until prom and the weekend after that was graduation, and then it was Edward's seventeenth birthday. Because of finals, Juniors and Seniors had half days, which was nice, because after school let out, we would head down to the beach on nice days and just hang out. Sometimes we would just sit in someone's car and listen to music and bullshit about nothing. Jasper had been boycotting the tree house, sighting that he was way too masculine to smoke up in a tree house painted the color of 'fucking chapped pussy lips.'

**~%~**

I had managed to confide in Maggie everything that had been going on over the last few months, leaving out details like the peeping tom stuff and Edward's drug counseling. She was amazingly supportive, like a big sister would be and I was truly lucky to have her to talk to.

Out at dinner with her and Charlie one night, I had mentioned the prom, preparing to gently try to convince my dad that allowing his sixteen year old daughter to stay for three days in an unsupervised home was a good idea. As I was giving him my responsibility and chastity speech with my "You're too overprotective and I am a good kid and still a virgin with out any promise of a status change in sight" last resort back up plan ready to go, he cut in telling me that Maggie had already worked him over.

As long as I promised to abide by the law and not indulge in alcohol and illegal substances or sleep in the same bed as Edward, he was okay with it because he trusted me.

_Yeah, way to make me feel guilty, Dad._

I sat there in disbelief, realizing that we had the weekend to be together, and realizing that there was no way in hell I would be sleeping in a different bed than my boyfriend and damn straight I would be getting drunk on prom night as would Edward. I mean really, we couldn't kiss or dance with each other… how much pleasure could we realistically be denied here? But daddy dearest didn't need to know any of that.

Then Maggie changed the subject with pictures of bridesmaid dresses and an announcement that they were going to be married in the fall in a small but lavish wedding. My dad rolled his eyes and downed his beer, drowning out our girlie conversation in his hops and barley.

So, all in all, things were looking up considerably. The black cloud that was once perpetually following over Edward seemed to have dissipated for the most part. Waking up each day gave me something to look forward to. I had bounce in my step and always had a smile on my face. I was even thinking about going off the meds, because I hadn't had a panic attack in months.

And Edward…my sweet beautiful Edward. I loved who he was now—this happy and secure boy with a tinge of cocky self-assuredness. He was actually funny too, which kind of surprised me because his dry sense of humor was always kind of dampened before.

But there was this lightness around him, which was so unbelievably nice to see.

And things with us were great, they really were. We laughed and hung out like friends, just happy to be in each other's presence, dealing with our relationship one day at a time and doing a great job of it. We were so happy and more in love than ever.

And then, because I spoke too soon or maybe it was because I had a felt a real tinge of hope for the first time in a long time, or maybe it was even because the universe hated me…just like that…it all came to an abrupt stop.

The music was blaring as Edward sped down the one-oh-one toward home. Alice and I had our prom dresses lying carefully in the trunk, fresh from the seamstress, along with our shoes and accessories that we had just picked up at a boutique in Port Angeles. The boys had just gotten measured for their tuxes and of course, Edward declined renting one, so he had his custom made, the spoiled brat that he was. He absolutely refused to wear anything "That some strange dude's sweaty ball sack rubbed against." When he put it like that, I didn't blame him one bit.

We'd eaten lunch and had a really nice day together, despite the fact that the boys were being argumentative with each other.

Carlisle had been feeling uncharacteristically charitable and was allowing one of the boys to take the Porsche to the prom. Since Em was a senior and going in a limo with the rest of the prom court, Edward and Jasper had been fighting it out amongst themselves in a heated debate of sorts. They had both presented pretty good arguments as to why they should each be entitled to get the car for the night. Edward was winning, as he pulled out the 'not being able to have sex in it' card, making everyone feel sorry for him...and of course, poor epically virginal me. But Jasper argued that he used his turn when he stole it for his trip to New York. I disputed this idea in that Edward wasn't in his right mind at the time and since he could technically plead temporary insanity, his turn was therefore null and void.

Edward beamed at me, saying I would make a great lawyer some day. Yes, I was awesome.

When Edward's phone rang, he turned down the music, pointing to his phone with a cheeky grin.

"See it's Dad right now, telling me the Porsche is mine. Well, hello Daddy," he said chuckling as he answered. His smile fell immediately.

"We're right around the block. We'll be home in like, two minutes, why…what's up?" There was a short pause leaving the car in an echoing silence as he spoke. "Dad, what's wrong? Is it the baby? Is it mom…Emmett?" Another pause. Edward glanced at me, worry marring his face. "Okay, okay, see you in a minute." He hung up looking just as confused as we were listening to his panicked voice.

"What's wrong?" Three voices asked in unison.

Edward shook his head in confusion. "Dad told me to get home immediately. Everyone is fine…something's up but he wouldn't say what."

We all shrugged our shoulders around the sudden nervous tension, giving each other wary glances. It was when we turned the corner to our block that Edward came to a slow stop in the middle of the road. He slowly turned his head toward mine, his mouth agape.

"What the fuck?" Jasper leaned into the front seat to get a closer look.

"Shit," I swallowed, my throat suddenly becoming very dry, as we all caught sight of the police car sitting in the Cullen's driveway. The words Clallam County Sheriff was written in green letters along side of the car. Someone was in deep shit, and it didn't take a genius to figure out that Carlisle hadn't called Edward just for the fuck of it. He was fucked and we all knew it.

"Fuck me…fucking fuck…." Edward brought a fist to his mouth looking at me nervously. I could see the panic settling in his features, his eyes pleading with me to help him. I had never felt so utterly useless before.

After a few silent minutes, he let his foot off the brake slowly, continuing down the road at a snails pace until we reached the driveway. None of us knew what to say so we remained silent. Eventually we exited Edward's car as though we were heading to an execution. I was petrified.

Esme met us at the door, with wide eyes that looked like they were about spill over tears any second.

Jasper whispered, "Mom, what the hell is going on?" but Esme shook her head and made eye contact with Edward who was the last to file in.

Her voice cracked as she said, "Edward, the Sheriff is here to see you." She placed a hand on her son's shoulder to comfort him. I could see that he was shaking in terror already.

"Why?" he asked warily, shutting the door behind him. Carlisle stood in the living room still in his dress shirt and tie from the office. Next to him was the Sheriff in full uniform, holding a manila envelope in his hand.

Fucking manila envelopes. They were the bane of my existence. It was amazing to me how something so ordinary and functional could contain life altering contents. Again.

The sheriff addressed Edward formally. He did not offer his hand or a smile for that matter, so we all immediately knew that this was not a social call, nor was it good news.

"Are you Edward Anthony Cullen formerly known as Edward Anthony Masen?"

"Yes sir," Edward replied. His voice trembled slightly.

The officer held out the envelope. "You are hereby served with a summons from the Court of Cook County in the State of Illinois."

Edward's mouth opened and closed. He took the envelope from the officer with a guarded, shaking hand while looking toward his father. Carlisle gestured with a nod and whispered warily, "Open it, son."

We could all see Edward's throat bob as he swallowed. I swore I could hear his breath tremble as he unsealed the envelope with clumsy, shaking hands. The six of us stood scattered about the room still as statues, each of us wearing a terrified expression, even the cop. I had tears in my eyes, just watching Edward knowing he was so frightened and knowing I couldn't do a fucking thing to comfort him but watch whatever was about to happen unfold right before my eyes, and ultimately watching Edward crumble in the process.

He pulled the documents from the envelope scanning them quickly, his mouth moved as he mumbled words aloud in scattered phrases. Carlisle and Esme moved closer to get a look at the documents.

As they leaned over each shoulder Edward blinked rapidly and quickly read aloud, "_COMES NOW, Petitioner Charlotte Harris, by and through her attorneys, Afton and Vascilii LLC, and for her Motion to Modify the terms of the restraining order against one Edward A. Cullen, formally known as Edward A. Masen states as follows:_

_1. New information has come to the attention of Petitioner that directly impacts the terms of the restraining order._

_2. It is in the best interest of justice for all parties involved that the Court be made aware of these new details and their effects on the terms of the restraining order._

_WHEREFORE, Petitioner prays that this Court will grant Petitioner's Motion to Modify and enter an order amending the terms of the restraining order consistent with the new information discovered and for whatever further relief the court deems necessary under the circumstances_."

All of us tried to make out the legal jargon that Edward had just read.

"What…what is this?" he asked looking around, settling his eyes on the officer. The officer held up his hands in surrender, obviously having no information regarding the contents as he was just ordered to issue the summons. Edward freaked.

His eyes widened, absolutely terrified. "WHAT IS THIS?" he screamed. "WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?"

Esme immediately scooted off toward the kitchen to grab her cell, mumbling that she was calling their lawyer. Carlisle took the papers from Edward's hand apparently to try to make sense of them, as Edward paced, grabbing furiously at locks of his hair.

"It says you are expected to appear in court on June ninth? That's two fucking days from now! Jesus, you'd think they would give us a little more notice to prepare. It doesn't say here specifically what this is about, only that there's a hearing to modify the restraining order. What more can they possibly do to you?" Carlisle kept reading, shaking his head as his eyes scanned the various pages of the documents.

Edward looked at me, covering his mouth. "Oh my fucking God," he said softly, though his eyes were screaming.

The officer then gave a nod, said a quiet, "Good night folks," and left the Cullen home. Jasper stepped in front of Edward griping his fingers around Edward's biceps, effectively halting his movement.

"E… bro, calm down. Let them figure out what the fuck this is about before you rip out all of your hair. You're gonna be okay. Let mom call Jason, okay? Let them figure out what this is about. You gotta calm down...breathe buddy, breathe..."

Edward's head was bowed. He nodded quickly, placating Jasper for the moment. Jasper's hands on his arms seemed to compose Edward a bit, but we could all still hear his rapid breaths as he tried to prevent and control an oncoming panic attack.

I had no idea what to think or feel or do. I felt so useless and helpless and I just wanted to hug my boyfriend and offer him comfort. It broke my heart knowing that this girl who was miles away, a ghost of his past was still causing Edward heartache.

In the midst of the mess we were standing in, I was suddenly so proud of Jasper for coming to his brother's side without being asked. I didn't even realize that I was crying until Alice wiped tears from her own face and moved next to me, hugging me to her side.

Edward finally sat down on the couch, his knee bouncing furiously as he rested his head in his hands. I knelt in front of him, willing him to look at me. When his eyes flashed at mine he panicked again.

"The fucking pictures…what if Charlotte got a hold of the pictures of us? They show me buying beer and cigarettes. Isn't that a felony or a misdemeanor or something? Oh God, Dr. Kate! What if she told…what if…fuck…I told her everything…fucking _everything_!"

Carlisle swiftly came to sit down on the arm of the couch next to Edward, reassuring him that he did not think Dr. Kate had anything to do with this, considering only a few months ago, she contacted Esme and Carlisle telling him that she had sent a letter to Judge Aro. In the letter it stated that she thought the sentence was causing Edward "undue mental anguish" resulting in mental illness (severe anxiety and depression) that had not been previously diagnosed before the accusation. It turned out that there was no response or acknowledgement of the letter by that asshole judge or any other legal party in Chicago, so no one had thought Edward should be made aware of it as it might have upset him.

Carlisle shook his head. "According to the paperwork, this is entirely Charlotte's motion."

"Why won't she just leave me the fuck alone? I haven't bothered her, I…why is she doing this to me, Dad?"

It was then that I knew I had no choice but to confess.

"Edward…."

He looked at me with such sad eyes. He was trying so hard not to cry. I continued, "During Christmas, when we were in Chicago…I um…." I looked away, scared to death of his reaction. His eyes widened.

"What, Bella? Tell me."

I sighed, whispering, "Oh God. I saw Charlotte. I mean I went to see her at her job and I begged her to confess because you were suffering so badly and I knew I shouldn't have gone there but I had to do something and it was the only thing I could do to help you. I didn't harass her or do anything that would affect the restraining order…I checked with an attorney first, but…she seemed remorseful and she kept saying she was sorry, but then she got pissed when I saw the bruises on her arm and mentioned Peter. I'm so sorry…I was just trying to help." I felt the tears fall onto my cheeks, and I wiped them away as quickly as they had fallen. Even if she wasn't pressing charges or whatever because of my visit, I still felt partially responsible for this. I helped Edward break the restraining order. I was as guilty as he was.

Edward's mouth opened completely stunned as he looked to Carlisle and then back at me. Esme shot me a knowing look that said without words, _so that's where you were! _I felt horrible for deceiving all of them, even though it was with good intentions and entirely for Edward's benefit.

Before Edward could even say anything, Esme handed the phone to Carlisle, letting him know that it was Jason on the phone. As they talked Edward leaned forward whispering softly, "Don't cry baby, it's okay. I know you did it to help me. We don't even know if that has anything to do with this." And of course I felt like shit because he was consoling me when I should have been consoling him. And he wasn't mad, but totally had the right to be.

"I need you to come with me, Bella. Can you come to Chicago with me? Please? I need you to be there."

I nodded, knowing that I would do anything, anything to help him through this.

Carlisle interjected, ending his call. "I don't think that's a good idea at all. I know you want Bella's support, but having your girlfriend accompany you does not help your case. Listen, Jason is going to find out what he can, but it seems that this is a very tight case. In the meantime, I am going to book a flight for the morning and call Grandma and Grandpa to tell them we'll be staying with them for a few days. You'll need to pack your black suit and a plain tie."

Edward nodded despondently. We all sat there for a while trying to console him, but no one could offer anything that really gave him any security. He was terrified. Jason had called later on to check in, telling us that there case was closed tight and there was no information being offered because they were minors and that's the way the confidentiality laws worked. He discussed the options and the outcomes, which were not good. House arrest would be the main punishment for violating the restraining order, which wasn't so horrible but we all knew that meant he wouldn't be able to play ball if that was the outcome. But because of the possible misdemeanor charges regarding the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes as a minor, it was possible that that he could end up in a juvenile detention center. Edward was petrified.

Even so, Edward had rejected the offer of taking a Xanax to calm his nerves. I was proud that he did, but worried just the same because I was so afraid he would fall completely apart without a little help.

He didn't.

We all ate dinner together and for the first time that I had experienced since Thanksgiving, we all clasped hands at the table and prayed. Carlisle led his family in a prayer to God asking Him to watch over Edward and keep him safe. He also asked for a miracle.

I cried again, blaming PMS on my emotions, but I was fooling no one. But Esme, Rose and Alice were teary eyed too, so I didn't feel so bad. Of course by then Emmett and Rose had been filled in as to what was going on, and after dinner Emmett and Edward left for a while to talk. Edward came back looking like he felt a little better. I thanked Em later for the little hope that had given his brother, fleeting as it was.

After he got back, I helped Edward pack. It was probably the most morose experience I have ever had, watching the boy I loved carefully stuff his personal items in a small suitcase, as though he was going off to war. He was so quiet, completely withdrawn and I hated seeing him like this again. I didn't want to push, but I also didn't want to have him hold it in, so I crossed the room and hugged him. I hugged Edward in my arms, tightly as I could and he held me as though his life depended on it. It was the first time we had touched since we had gotten back together and it sucked that it was under these circumstances.

When we finally broke apart, Edward sighed and continued to pack. He placed a brown leather bound notebook in one of the zippered pockets of the suitcase.

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's a journal. Dr. Kate said it would help if I wrote stuff down."

"Does it help?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. It will be fucked up to go back and read about all the shit I went through in twenty years. Hopefully I'll be in a good place then."

"You will. I know you will." He nodded his head solemnly, clearly not believing it. If I had access to Charlotte right then I would have broken her fucking neck for what she did. She brought him back to the hollow shell of a person he was before and I fucking hated her ugly guts for it. Charlotte was like a plague.

That night I prayed for the first time in months. I begged God to please not let anything bad happen to Edward. He didn't deserve it and it would be incredibly wrong for Him to do anything that would cause Edward further pain. I asked God to give me whatever he was planning for Edward instead, because I would take his share knowing I couldn't bear to watch my beautiful boy fall apart again.

The next morning, after not sleeping a wink, I got up early, got ready and met Edward in his driveway. He came out of the house holding a garment bag over his arm hauling his suitcase behind him. He gave me a meek smile and a quiet, "Hey Beautiful," as he placed his luggage in the truck of his father's car. He looked exhausted and he had definitely been crying.

When Esme followed Carlisle outside, she said a quick hello and I could see that her eyes were rimmed in red as well. She was too far in to her pregnancy to fly, and I was betting it was killing her to watch her baby boy go off into the unknown and not be able to physically be there for him. I knew this, because I felt the same way. All I wanted to do was protect him and I wasn't fucking allowed to.

Carlisle nodded a warm greeting to me, before letting Edward know that they had to leave to catch their plane. Jasper and Emmett, still in their pajamas came out, each of them giving Edward a supportive and loving hug, along with whispered encouragement.

Then Edward looked at me, his green eyes brimming with tears. I wiped my own away, covering my hand with my mouth to hold back the sob that was stuck in my throat.

"Call me when you land," I whispered. Edward nodded wiping a tear off his cheek. We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes not knowing what to do.

But then Edward shook his had and said, "Fuck this, I'm in trouble anyway." Then his hands were cupping my face, pulling me to him as our mouths collided in a kiss that rocked me to the core. When his lips met mine there was fear and passion and so much love all rolled into one kiss…I would never forget it as long as I lived. His hands were gripping the back of my head so fiercely that it hurt, but I couldn't pull away. He was so scared and this was all I could do to keep him comforted.

We made out on his driveway for a good three minutes or so until Carlisle cleared his throat apologetically, forcing us to break us apart. He held my hand in his, rubbing circles into my knuckles, not able to tear himself away just yet. Edward kissed me again and again, small chaste kisses, stalling…so scared to get into that car and drive away, so scared of not knowing if he was coming home to me. None of us would admit it aloud, but we all feared the same thing.

I whispered, "I love you so much," and he pressed his forehead to mine and he whispered it back with such intensity it broke me. And then with one final press of his lips to mine, he moved slowly away, giving his mother a solid hug as I watched in tears. She whispered for him to remember to part his hair neatly to the side and be respectful and not curse at all while he was in court. They exchanged, "I love you's," and then once the door was closed to the car, Carlisle drove down the driveway slowly giving us a sad wave. I will never, for as long as I live forget the destroyed look in Edward's eyes as he drove away.

Esme came to my side pulling me into a hug while we both cried the tears we didn't want Edward to see because we needed him to know that we had faith. We had to believe that he would come home to us, that there was a rainbow at the end of this horrific storm he was going through.

Little did any of us know the extent of just how much Edward's life was actually about to change.

**~%~**


	37. Chapter 37 Faith

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**Thank you to Erika who makes my words pretty, to Mel who literally gave me the words of her expertise, (you have no idea how much I appreciate that, you are my legal hero) and to Suzy who brings all the words to life. You make HA sparkle like a big shiny peen.**

**I just want to reiterate once again that the legal matters in this story are incorrect and unconstitutional according to US law. Though the stuff in this chapter is pretty accurate, for the most part I have taken liberties to keep the storyline as I see it. I mean, no one gets upset when SM writes about fangless, sparkling vegetarian vampires, so I thought you wouldn't mind if I tweaked the law a bit.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 37~ Faith**

**I hurt myself today**  
**To see if I still feel**  
**I focus on the pain**  
**The only thing that's real**  
**The needle tears a hole**  
**The old familiar sting**  
**Try to kill it all away**  
**But I remember everything**

**What have I become?**  
**My sweetest friend**

**I wear this crown of shit**  
**Upon my liar's chair**  
**Full of broken thoughts**  
**I cannot repair**  
**Beneath the stains of time**  
**The feelings disappear**  
**You are someone else**  
**I am still right here**

**Hurt~ Nine Inch Nails**

**~Edward~**

I suppose I should have been angry. I had every right to be, of course. I mean, who wouldn't be pissed?

I probably should have punched the fucking wall or thrown something valuable, or at least done something completely reckless in light of the situation. I had fucking had it with this bullshit; and I was so goddamn tired of getting the crap kicked out of me being used as Charlotte's punching bag. But I couldn't see the point in getting mad. I don't know if it was the meds, or what, but I was resigned to take whatever it was like a man and deal with the consequences as such. I didn't really see that I had another choice.

I really hated being mature.

The drive to Sea-Tac was fucking long. I slept for only one out of the three and a half hour trip, the long stretch of highway just about barren at the early morning hour. About halfway there, I found the soft hum of the engine and the vast green foliage blurring past soothing, forcing my tired eyes closed regardless of how keyed up I was.

I thought about Bella and the kiss on my driveway, which put a momentary smile on my lips. I could still smell the residuals of her perfume on my hands and shirt. My sweet girl had shed an inordinate amount of tears for me and I was done allowing her to feel pity for me any longer. God, I fucking loved her.

It seemed that the very last pin in the Edward Cullen Voodoo doll had been pushed into the heart and there was nothing I could do but accept my fate. Was this defeat or resignation? I couldn't be sure. I wasn't even certain if I could distinguish the difference between the two.

I threw up twice on the plane—once because I was a nervous fucking wreck and the other because of that combined with severe turbulence, which I needed like a fucking hole in my head.

My father had been trying to keep me calm and positive by using carefully chosen words which only denoted a positive connotation. It was a tactic that he utilized when he had to give an unfortunate prognosis to a patient. I think he learned the method just through the years in his practice, finding that it was more helpful to the demeanor of the patient to add fluff around the issue than to highlight the negativity. I recognized what he was doing, and as much as I appreciated it, I didn't know if it was strictly for me or if it was a little for him too.

The best possible scenario was never discussed. There had been discussion of the restraining order being modified minutely, but it really didn't seem as though there were any available options of the order left to revise. We spoke about the worst that could happen, house arrest, and jail time of course, but the fact that Charlotte may have actually come to her senses was never mentioned.

The flight attendant handed me a Coke and I swear she jutted out her chest toward my father in a flirtatious offering. He appeared impervious.

My fingers followed the leather cord, eventually leading to the rings beneath my shirt. With my thumb and forefinger, I rubbed the two pieces of conjoined metal together, making a tiny clicking sound.

"Dad, do you think I'm being naïve to think that maybe the restraining order will just be tweaked a bit and there won't be punishment resulting from it? I'm so scared of what's going to happen to me, but maybe nothing will happen, right?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off abruptly with my nervous banter. "Or…maybe…she's finally coming clean? I mean, no one's even entertained the idea that this could actually have a positive outcome. Maybe what Bella said actually got to her and maybe she's feeling guilty? Do you think it's at all possible?"

He looked at me with a small smile. "Mom and I were discussing that likelihood last night. That's obviously what we're hoping and praying for, Edward. But to be very honest, Charlotte coming clean wasn't an option we wanted to address, because neither of us wanted to get your hopes up. The let down would be devastating for you. I'm sorry. But yes, it is certainly a possibility that you won't receive further punishment or tighter restrictions and I don't think we should rule that out. I think at this stage of the game, it wouldn't hurt if we…well, if _you_ especially, had some faith."

I nodded in response as a small amount of relief coursed through me, his fatherly assurances briefly soothed my frayed nerves while I considered how he and my mother had tried to protect me, even in my final hour. In relief of his confirmation of the possible outcomes, I nodded, understanding my parents wanting to protect me, as it was all they could do now. But the word faith sort of jarred me a little; and I found myself wanting to believe the best, but because of all of the letdowns I had experienced, having faith in anything these days was setting me up for yet another huge disappointment. I almost thought if I was audacious enough to actually have a little faith, it would laugh in my fucking face before it spit on my shoes and then took a giant dump on my dashboard.

If Karma was a bitch…then Faith was one big, huge, stinky bastard.

"But how can I, Dad? I mean, with all of the things that keep constantly coming at me…what's the point, really?"

My father chuckled softly. "How much could a little positivity hurt, Edward? You have your innocence and you've maintained it all along. The only thing you can do now is believe that things turn out okay."

There was no way I could be certain if he was full of shit or not, but I took his sentiment with a grain of salt, wanting to believe, but not really knowing how to do that.

With the layover, we didn't land in Chicago until around six at night, and by the time we got our luggage and met my grandparents at the baggage claim all I wanted to do was sleep so I get this the fuck over with already. But that wasn't going to happen, because Jason would be on his way over to prepare statements or whatever the fuck legal crap he had to do.

The air in the car toward my grandparents' house was so thick with tension it made my chest hurt. It wasn't until my Grandmother turned around in her seat and asked in her sweet voice, "So how are things with you and Bella?" that I realized I had forgotten to call her when we landed. My mind was a million miles away, lost in thought, swarming with the unknown and the fear of an outcome I could not envisage. For me, as a person with meticulous habits and need for routine, structure and predictability, this could potentially rip me apart.

It would have been so damn easy to pop a few Xanax and sleep it away, but knowing it would still be there in the morning loud and clear made the ache worse.

And I was determined that I going to get through this like a fucking man, not a sniveling little boy. A year and a half ago, Eddie Masen cried like a baby at the hearing. However, tomorrow, Edward Cullen would not shed one fucking tear because of that girl.

I sent Bella a quick text telling her we had landed safely, that I loved her and I would call before bed.

Jason was sitting inside his gunmetal gray Mercedes in my grandparents' driveway waiting for us to arrive. He stepped out, first offering me his hand, and then made the same gesture toward my father and grandfather, before he was ushered inside. My grandmother offered us drinks, and then she and gramps disappeared, giving us privacy.

We sat at the large dining room table, where Jason informed us that he had been in contact with Charlotte's attorneys but they were completely uncooperative, refusing to offer any information regarding the case. Jason made threats to take them to court for sanctions of not divulging the information, but they still wouldn't budge. Technically he had no standing to threaten sanctions, since Charlotte's council was not violating any orders by not providing the information, but he thought it was worth a try. He also mentioned that because the case involved a supposed sexual assault as well as a No Contact Order, plaintiffs were given more latitude to be vague, whatever the fuck that meant. None of this surprised me really, because as far as I was concerned the Illinois Justice System was run by completely corrupt motherfuckers.

He ran a hand through the side of his dark hair, all of my previous court documents spread out on the table before him. "So Edward, basically since we're going in there blind, I need you to tell me everything and anything that you have done since December, which would give her ammunition against you. I need you to tell me the whole truth and don't leave anything out, because we don't know what they will come up with and I don't want to be blindsided." With an extra pointed glance toward my father and then directly at me, he continued, "If you are caught in a lie or a lack of disclosure then you are going to discredit yourself and that's much harder to overcome than the truth. No one wants to be labeled as a liar."

With an unaffected expression, my father handed Jason an envelope, which contained the illicit photos of Bella and I kissing, and the ones of me purchasing liquor and cigarettes.

One glance at the photos and Jason groaned lightly, shutting his eyes and rubbing his forehead in frustration. "How…why…Jesus, Edward. Please tell me these are the only copies?"

I cringed, explaining the whole situation with Charlie's friend, and my biological father's snooping shrew of a wife, and all the bullshit that went down on that end. I honestly didn't know if the original pictures had been destroyed or erased from a hard drive or whatever, but according to Charlie, they had been taken care of.

"Okay, what else, Edward?"

I sighed, leaning back into the chair giving Jason a pointed glance that indicated my not wanting to reveal all of this in front of my father.

"Carlisle, I think Edward would prefer some privacy," Jason said.

My father cocked his head to the side, folding his arms over his chest. "Oh, like hell you're kicking me out of this discussion. If it's all going to come out in court, I would rather know ahead of time."

I sighed, unyielding. My father added, "Edward, I won't hold it against you, I promise."

It was pointless to hide it from him, so I didn't.

"Okay, well, you see…."

So then I told them everything, just as I had told Dr. Kate. Every single sordid detail of the weed, the coke, the alcohol, the touching, kissing and groping, fake ID's (mine and Bella's), the club, the rings, our trip to Vegas, the wedding, oral sex, and looking in Bella's window and getting caught, (which was of no real consequence to the situation, but I figured full disclosure and everything.) The whole time I spoke, Jason jotted down the details as I rattled them off, occasionally alternating between a groan, a shake of his head or a disapproving tisking sound.

My father kept shaking his head mumbling, "Oh God," with an occasional, "Jesus Christ," under his breath, while he sat with his hand covering his eyes, trying his best not to scold me after each admitted offense. I was doing my best to recall each and every incident, feeling more and more like shit as the list grew longer. Eventually when I had exhausted every one of my possible transgressions, Jason sat back and gave me a rundown of what each of the things could mean. Needless to say, it did not look good. No matter which scenario played out, I was fucked without ever actually being fucked. That was of course, unless Charlotte came to her senses.

I knew all of the things I'd done to violate the restraining order and the law in general had made my case a great deal more difficult for him, but honestly? I thought my violations were mild considering how much fucking restraint I actually had displayed.

I did, however, choose to omit the mutual masturbation stuff and the sparklepeen, figuring it wasn't anything that anyone could have ever challenged us on, since there were never any witnesses to it. In addition to keeping Bella's privacy, I thought it would have been highly disturbing for my dad to have to face Bella and ever look at her as a respectable girl again having known what depraved pervy things she did with me, or that I stuck my dick in goo to make her a sparkly replica of my manhood. I made a mental note to remember to tell Bella where I had stashed it, just in case I didn't come home. The last thing I needed was my mom to find it while cleaning my room. She'd be scarred for life.

Eventually my dad excused himself to get a glass of scotch. I wouldn't have been surprised if he came back into the room with a nipple attached to the bottle. From the other room, my father asked Jason if he wanted a glass, to which Jason replied, "Yes, a double, please."

"I'll take one too," I added, thinking it was worth a shot.

The response was, "Like hell you will", but my father returned with three glasses, despite his better judgment. Two of the glasses were filled to the brim and the other, mine, held maybe a shot's worth of liquor in it.

Jason held up his glass and said, "To the best possible outcome."

As I clinked my glass with theirs, my father added, "To having some faith." I repeated the sentiment, throwing back the entire contents of the glass loving and hating the burn in my throat and the warmth that radiated through my chest.

After dinner, which I had absolutely no appetite for but forced a meager amount down at my father's insistence, I took a quick shower and headed into the guest room. As I pressed Bella's speed dial, I curled into a ball under the covers, waiting anxiously for her to answer.

The sound of her sweet voice, brought relief and with it, tears to my eyes, which I swiped away quickly, not wanting her to know I was emotional. I shouldn't have been feeling sorry for myself; I just couldn't help feeling sorry for Bella—for putting her through yet another one of my shitstorms.

"Hi Baby. How are you doing?" she asked softly, not masking the concern in her voice.

I swallowed, inhaling and then exhaling a long, shaking breath. The sound of her voice wrapped me in the comfort and solace I had desperately been seeking all day. I relaxed into the bed whispering, "I miss you."

"I miss you too...so much." I could hear the change in her voice as she began to tear up. She cleared her throat before speaking again, not allowing me to avoid her question again. "How are you holding up?"

"I've been better, but…I'm okay, you know? I think…no matter what, I have to get through this, whatever the fuck it is, deal with it and accept the consequences."

"I'm so proud of how far you've come. You're so strong, Edward."

"Yeah, well, I don't have much of a choice. And if I get a sentence...then it's going to make me stronger or fucking break me, so I rather be resilient then fall the fuck apart. But…I can take whatever I am going to get. I…just…I'm so fucking tired of this girl having all this control over my fucking life. I just want to know when it's going to end."

I sighed heavily blowing air noisily through my lips. I had wanted to say this to her the night before, but I didn't want to scare her or make her cry anymore than she already had been. "Beautiful, listen…if for whatever reason I don't come home, I want you to go to the prom and I want you to—"

"Shut up, Edward, just shut up! Don't you dare do that to me. Don't tell me to go on while you're locked up, because it will never happen. I will wait for you for as long as it takes, do you hear me? Don't ever say that shit again!"

My mouth opened and closed, but instead of speaking, I shut my eyes and shrunk back into my pillows, wishing she was there with me. I didn't have the strength to argue with her, so I just whispered, "I love you."

When her breathing returned to normal and she seemed calmer, she asked, "Did you find my present yet?

"No, what present?"

"Go look in the top zippered pocket of your suitcase."

I rose off the bed, crouching to open the case. I smiled as soon as the lacy edge of her pillowcase came into view. Immediately, I brought it to my face, taking a long whiff and brushing the soft fabric along my cheek. _Home._ "Fuck, I miss you. Thank you for this."

"So, are you driving your racecar bed right now?"

It was the first time I had laughed in two days. "Bella, I don't actually drive it, you know, I'm not five. I'm in the guest room." I shrugged, clambering back onto the bed and under the covers again. "It's where you slept when you were here. I feel like I'm closer to you in this room."

And that made her cry again. She said she was premenstrual, but if I was remembering correctly, she had just had it so I knew she was downplaying her emotions, trying stay strong… or hide her emotions from me.

We talked for hours that night, Bella's voice and her sweet laughter keeping my head occupied and my thoughts temporarily focused off the hearing. We tried to keep things light, because neither of us wanted to broach the topic again, both of us too afraid to say goodnight or really, goodbye. It was about three in the morning Chicago time when we both settled down, allowing sleep to consume us, still with our cells cradled to our ears.

I woke up a few short hours later confused as hell, taking a moment to remember where I was and why…as if I could ever really forget. My phone had been placed on the center of the nightstand. I couldn't remember saying goodnight to Bella, so I assumed whoever came in to check on me ended the call and moved it. After I showered, I began to dress in my designer suit, which I now fucking hated and would never wear again. I made a promise to myself to donate the thing to charity as soon as I could, not ever wanting to be reminded of this day.

My grandmother knocked softly, asking if I had found my phone, then urged me to come to breakfast. She didn't push when I told her I couldn't eat. Her soft pink suit made her gray hair look startlingly silver, but she was still so beautiful, proving that the Cullen's had some good fucking genes, the lucky bastards. She hugged me hard and tight, standing on her tip toes to kiss me twice on the forehead before she left without words. I missed my mom.

My mom called as we were leaving the house. She was a fucking mess and kept apologizing that she couldn't be there. I assured her that I understood why and that it was alright. As much as I would have liked her physical support, I didn't think she could have handled it if she had to watch me sentenced to jail or juvie or whatever that bitch had in store for me. I promised not to curse and I told her that my hair was parted to the side like a good boy. I reassured her that I would be okay, because I knew somehow, I would regardless of the outcome.

It was a thinly veiled attempt at having some faith.

Emmett and Jasper each got on the phone, wishing me good luck or whatever. Em got completely weepy telling me how much he loved me and shit, and then Jasper pulled the phone out of his hand to tell me that I could have the Porsche for Prom, because I deserved it and because he was sure I would be coming home.

Oddly enough, Jasper was the last person I ever expected to have faith.

When the four of us pulled up to the familiar façade of the courthouse, my hands were shaking so badly that I had to wedge them between my thighs to still them. Unfortunately, they were sweaty too, so then my pants were damp but honestly, I didn't even fucking notice. My throat was so dry I couldn't swallow and my heart was about to beat the fuck out of my chest.

My father's phone rang. With a heavy sigh he said, "It's Jason. We need to go in." I nodded absently with a long exhale. Just as we departed the car, I said a silent prayer to God or Buddha or Santa Claus because I was really fucking desperate and not in a position to worry about the technicality as to who was granting wishes on that particular day. I asked whomever was listening to just give me the strength to get through this in one piece, because really, that was the very least I could ask for. If someone had been feeling generous at the moment, well then I may have gotten lucky. I was interrupted when my phone vibrated.

**I love you more than life. Be brave. See you soon. ~B**

I smiled at her text, the words of encouragement just enough to get my ass moving inside to face this. After shutting the ringer off, I gave a pensive nod and we walked forward in silence.

If the interior of the courthouse had changed at all, I wouldn't have noticed. I was petrified the last time I had been there and I was equally as scared, though more prepared now, with a hint of maturity and resolve, and maybe, just maybe I was armed with the smallest bit of faith.

Jason approached, extending his hand to all four of us with warm greetings. He put his arm around me, asking how I was doing with a genuineness in his voice that made me question the validity of all those malicious lawyer jokes. I was honest in telling him that I was scared, but just wanted to get this over with. He informed us that Charlotte and her legal team were already waiting in the courtroom.

Jason motioned for my father and me to come close to him. "So here's what I've been able to find out. I did some research late last night after I left your house." I swallowed hard, trying to desperately dispel the nausea that was churning in my stomach. "Charlotte was admitted to Pembroke Pines in February."

"The loony bin? Shit…" I said quietly, hushing my voice in disbelief. It was a known fact in Chicago that anyone who was admitted to or spent any reasonable amount of time at Pembroke Pines was a certifiable nut.

"Psychiatric hospital," my father corrected with a pointed glance.

"Apparently, she's made two suicide attempts in six months. Unfortunately for her, this is good for us. It questions her metal stability as well as discredits her testimony as being reliable."

_Charlotte had tried to commit suicide? Twice? Holy fucking shit._

The court bailiff held open the door for us while we filed inside the large courtroom. Jason explained beforehand that ours was the only case on the docket that morning. And because of the nature of the case and the fact that we were minors, it was done to prevent the likelihood that someone could come into the court room during the hearing. The last thing I needed was a room full of my old classmates and their scrutinizing stares.

The room was empty except for the court reporter on one side, the clerk on the other and Charlotte's two attorneys and her parents. I was expecting and obviously dreading seeing Peter there, but he was absent. Idly, I wondered if he hadn't been allowed to come in, or if he wasn't invited.

And of course, there was Charlotte.

I gasped aloud when I saw her. I honestly wouldn't have recognized her if I hadn't known in advance that it was in fact her. Charlotte had always been a very pretty girl; creamy skin, flawless features, natural shiny, blonde hair that swung around her shoulders. Typical, properly bred rich girl.

Now, here she was sitting in the courtroom with her head bowed and her hands wringing nervously in her lap, not even a trace of her former self. Under the harsh fluorescent lights, the pallor of her skin was tinged an odd shade of gray, as though she were battling some debilitating disease eating away at her insides. Her fine hair had been pulled back in a ratty ponytail; not a trace of makeup on her face. The pink blouse she was wearing hung off her shoulders, obviously much too large for her now diminutive frame.

I was absolutely stunned by the significant amount of weight she had lost. Since I had known her, even when we were kids, she had always been self-conscious about her weight. Her mom was always encouraging her to try the newest diet fad in order to fit in with the skinny girls that seemed to be a prevalent physical attribute in our social circle. However, it was clear that Charlotte was never meant to be a thin girl because skinny was simply not attractive on her. She looked sick.

Well honestly, without being intentionally mean…she looked fucking gross.

The fucked up thing is that I was sort of hoping to see some visible bruises on her, which would mean that Peter hit her again and consequently, she was forced to blame him, which would in effect prove my innocence. What kind of fucked up thing is that to wish someone to get beaten in order to provide your own freedom? The irony was that just a little over a year and a half ago I had beat the shit out of him for hurting her and now…I was hoping for it.

As we sat in our respective seats, with my grandparents directly behind us, the attorneys from Charlotte's team nodded and greeted us quietly. Her parents made brief eye contact with me, before quickly looking away seemingly unfazed by my presence. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Charlotte.

"Dad, doesn't she look sick to you?" I whispered as I leaned close to him.

"Yes. She doesn't look well at all. I suppose that's a good thing," he replied in a returned whisper. "The boyfriend's not here," he added with a nod of his head in her direction.

While Jason stacked his paperwork and notes in an orderly fashion on the table, the door to the back of the chambers opened and a bailiff emerged. My stomach rolled at the sight of him, signaling the start of the proceedings.

He said, "All rise, court is now in session the Honorable Judge Aro presiding."

As we stood with obligatory respect, my father mumbled, "Honorable my ass." I would have snickered in agreement, only I was too nervous.

My hands clenched into fists involuntarily at my side as Judge Aro donning his long black judge robe emerged, taking his seat at the bench.

With an audible sigh, he said casually, **"**Please be seated. So counselors what case are we here on today?" He seemed almost bored by the fact that he had to be there, as though this were taking up way too much of his precious time.

_Prick bastard._

One of Charlotte's attorneys stood. "We are here on the case of Harris v. Edward Anthony Cullen, formally known as Edward Anthony Masen." I cringed upon hearing my old name spoken aloud. He apparently recognized the name as well, raising an eyebrow at the mention and then staring straight at me in acknowledgement. I started back cold and hard.

_Gimme whatever you got motherfucker._

He looked away quickly, then once again, with a condescending tone to his voice, Aro asked, "So why are we here on this case today?"

"We are here on Petitioner's motion to modify the terms of the restraining order. New information has come to light that we feel the court should know and we think it is in the best interest of justice to modify it."

I exhaled.

_Fuck, here we go_.

"Alright. Where is Ms. Harris?" Judge Aro asked passively.

Charlotte stood. God, she looked like shit. "Here your Honor." Her voice was so small, we could barely hear her.

Judge Aro replied, "You may approach the bench." Charlotte rose from her seat, standing next to the witness chair. "I am assuming that you want this on the record?" Aro asked in the direction of her attorneys.

They both replied, "Yes your honor."

The Court Reporter, who looked like she was older than fucking dirt, stood and faced Charlotte. "Please raise your right hand." Charlotte raised her right hand while placing her left tentatively on the bible. I'd always wondered why that was done, because if you were Agnostic or Atheist or whatever, how would that even count? "Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?"

"Yes."

_Yeah, bull fucking shit, I've heard that before._

Charlotte sat as directed, keeping her head bowed. Her attorney approached the bench "Ms. Harris, we are here today about the restraining order you have against Mr. Cullen?"

"Yes." It was a whisper.

"You have a restraining order against Mr. Cullen because you alleged that he raped you?"

"Yes." Barely audible that time.

"However, you now have some new information you would like to share with the court about this situation?"

"Yes." Her mouth moved but nothing perceptible came out. She was asked to repeat it.

"Please tell the court what that information is."

_Oh God…._

I had been gripping my father's forearm and didn't even notice until he hissed, "Ow."

Charlotte's eyes met mine for about two seconds. Instinctively, I narrowed my own eyes at her with my jaw clenched, daring her.

_Lie again, bitch. I swear to fucking God…._

Her mouth contorted and she clapped her hand over her mouth to hush a choked sob. "Um…."

She was given a box of tissues, as we all waited with baited breath for her to regain composure.

With her eyes closed she whispered, "Eddie…didn't rape me." Even from the distance of my seat from the witness stand, I could see the tears streaming down her cheeks.

_Hallefuckinglujah!_

Behind us, my grandparents gasped. Across the room, Charlotte's mom let out a sob which mirrored her daughter's. An overwhelming amount of relief washed over me and I felt like the weight of all of my burdens had been lifted with those four simple yet so undeniably complex words. With my own eyes closed, I looked up to the ceiling, in a brief but genuine thank you to whomever it was that had finally answered my many, many prayers. And Bella's too.

_Thank you._

_Fucking thank you from the bottom of my heart._

"Would you please elaborate on that statement, Miss Harris?"

She sighed, wiping her eyes with a tissue and spoke softly. "Should I start from the beginning? Um, well, the night everything happened, was the same night the All Stars won the championship. Eddie had been…flirting with me earlier that day…or so I thought," she added quietly.

I whispered, "I did not flirt with her."

_Fuck…did I? Is that what she's thought all this time?_

"He was so happy that they won, I guess, and I mistook his excitement for…something else. I…followed him upstairs that night because I wanted to make sure he was okay. I knew he was really wrecked, I mean he could barely stand, and I thought…." She sobbed again, shaking her head. "He was being so sweet to me. He was always sweet, but I guess because I…wanted to be with him so much, I was grasping at straws or whatever."

Charlotte kept wiping her nose, occasionally blowing it noisily. She only looked at her attorney, never at me. It was as though I wasn't even in the room with her. As her sleeve rode up, I could see thick white bandages around her wrists.

_Did she try to slit them? Was she cutting herself? Fuck…._

"What happened after you went upstairs?"

"I…I was…_with_ him, you know…and he seemed to be enjoying it too except then he said 'no,' he didn't want to do this and…I just wanted to…." She covered her face in her hands. "God, I just wanted him to feel the same way about me, but I was so hurt and embarrassed that even when I was naked and giving him all of me with no strings attached, he was barely conscious…and he knew even in that state that he didn't want to be with me. So I got dressed and I left. My heart was so…broken." She shut her eyes as streams of tears poured down her cheeks. Up until that point, I honestly couldn't distinguish if her dramatics were a ploy to gain sympathy from the judge or me, or whoever. But this…this, without a doubt, was genuine.

I knew she liked me back then, but I had no idea that her feelings were so intense. How much more oblivious could I have been. She had been with Peter for like, two years or something so I just assumed it was a crush.

"Peter, my boyfriend…or my ex rather—we had broken up only the day before—had been looking for me."

"What prompted the break up between you and Peter?"

Jason leaned over whispering, "She's been well coached. This line of questioning has been entirely rehearsed. However, the tears seem legitimate." He scowled, shaking his head.

"Peter was physically and emotionally abusive. At that point, I had had enough of his crap. I just wanted out, but my parents thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew if I ended it with him they would be disappointed. He put on this act for everyone that he was so perfect, but he was just horrible to me."

The attorney said, "But you did end it." Charlotte nodded, answering, "Yes."

"What happened after you left the bedroom?"

"As I was walking out of the bedroom, Peter was trying to get inside to see what I was doing and…he shoved me aside, but I was able to reach around and lock the door because I knew that if Peter knew Eddie was in there he would kill him. He's always been resentful and jealous of Eddie especially since he had made the All Stars team and Peter didn't. But he knew anyway…I don't know how he knew I was with Eddie, but he did. And he said, 'You smell like him. Did you really think he would want a fat cow like you? You're fucking useless and ugly and no one wants you.'"

As she sobbed, I covered my mouth with my hand to disguise my horror. I never knew he was _that_ cruel to her. I mean, I knew he was rough with her, but any time we tried to talk to her about it , she would close herself off. I never knew he was that horrible to her , and maybe it was fucked up, but I was feeling overwhelmingly guilty for not paying enough attention to notice how bad it truly was for her. I could have done something to stop him…I fucking should have paid more attention to her. And where the fuck were her parents when all this was going on? Didn't they notice?

"He threatened to break both of Eddie's arms if I didn't take him back. You don't know Peter. He…I think he has like mental problems and serious anger issues. He can be very intense and scary. So I said I would take him back just out of fear, and that night he beat the shit out of me for having sex with Eddie. I basically took his beating for him. The next day, he had me so scared for both Eddie's and my own safety that I was willing to do whatever he asked. He told me to say that Eddie raped me and…I did."

Then, her eyes met mine, crystal blue pleading with me silently for forgiveness. She was speaking directly to me then. "Honest to God, I had no idea it would ever get that bad. I thought it would blow over and I thought that even if it ever became anything, your family had money…they could hire lawyers to prove your innocence or something. I never expected this to happen. I never thought it would ruin your life."

I looked away. Her attorney told her not to speak directly to me.

"Peter was being sweet to me, and my parents were finally proud that I stood up for myself and…they seemed to be paying more attention to me, you know? When I realized that the whole thing had gotten bad, I was so far in that I couldn't take it back. I was trying to help him…not hurt him…I never wanted to hurt Eddie...ever." Her voice trailed off despondently. There was along pause.

Aro cleared his throat after a minute or so and addressed her in irritation, "Miss Harris?"

She was a million miles away somewhere. When she snapped out of her reverie, she responded as though she never had stopped speaking. "He didn't come back to school. We didn't know what was going on really. But then the whole family moved out of state a few months later and no one had heard from them again. I thought he was okay…I guess I was stupid to think that he was okay wherever he was, but I just wanted this to go away…for him and for me.

"I thought once he was gone that it would all be erased, that everything would go back to normal for him but…then he came back to Chicago at Christmas, and it was all anyone was talking about for days. One night, we found out through the grapevine that they were all at the bowling alley we hung out at. Peter was ready to kill him. It was as if he had convinced himself that Eddie really did do this to me and Peter was completely innocent. I went there to warn him, not to cause him further harm but as soon as he saw me he ran.

"Peter told me, 'See Charlotte? Look at the girl he was with…. That's the kind of girl he likes...she's fucking perfect. Not like you. As if you ever had a shot with him.'" She mimicked his voice, laced with venom and hatred for him.

It made me sick to hear what he did to her. I hoped he was rotting somewhere, miserable as fuck.

"And then a few days later, his girlfriend came to see me at work."

My ears perked up at the mention of Bella. I had never asked her what was said when she went to see Charlotte, I was too consumed by everything else.

"Can you tell the court about that visit?"

"I was at work when this girl came in and she…she said she was Eddie's girlfriend. I had caught a quick glimpse of her at the bowling alley and so I recognized her. She was so pretty and…She was crying and she told me…." Charlotte coughed back a sob before shaking her head to continue. "She said Eddie was not doing well. That this whole thing was making him crazy and depressed, and he was on medication, and he had stopped playing baseball…." I palmed a hand over my eyes in embarrassment. I hated that everyone in that courtroom knew that she had gotten the better of me, especially Aro. "I didn't know…I didn't know…." she said, again trailing off.

"Miss Harris, do you need a break?"

She shook her head no. "After that I wanted to come forward, knowing that Eddie was still suffering, but when Peter found out, he was furious. He threatened to kill me if I told anyone. He told me that no one would ever believe me because I was a liar and a whore. No one would ever love me because I was fat and useless and ugly. I couldn't live with the lies, knowing that Eddie was in so much pain."

"Miss Harris, is it true that you were admitted to Pembroke Pines Psychiatric Facility in February of this year?" The lawyer asked calmly, obviously another rehearsed line of questioning.

She shook her head whispering, "Yes."

"Can you tell the court why you were admitted into Pembroke Pines Psychiatric Facility?"

She looked down, obvious shame crossing her features. She responded quietly, "My parents think it's the best place for me right now. I can't hurt myself there."

"Were you admitted into Pembroke Pines Psychiatric Facility because you attempted to take your own life?"

She shook her head and said softly, "Yes."

"What treatment do they provide you at that facility?"

"I get a lot of counseling and therapy, and they make me write a lot...in a journal. It's not a bad place. It's better than school though." She sounded so disconnected. "They encouraged me to come forward. They said it would help me heal and I can't take back what I said before, but I can fix it. I just want to make this right. I want Eddie to have his life back."

My heart was thumping so loudly that I could barely hear another word spoken in the courtroom. I didn't realize my hands were shaking again until my dad wrapped his fingers around my forearm with a gentle squeeze, trying to still the vibrating movements. He smirked at me. Jason was smiling but he kept his gaze straightforward.

With a gentle voice, her attorney addressed her softly. "So Ms. Harris, are you acknowledging that you did not provide completely accurate testimony at the last hearing?"

She nodded meekly. "Yes, I am." She wiped tears off her cheeks with a crumpled tissue. Her eyes met mine again. "I'm so sorry."

"Ms. Harris, you are telling the court, contrary to your previous testimony, that Mr. Cullen did not rape you?"

Charlotte replied, "Yes, he did not rape me."

"Did you tell the court that he raped you because you were afraid that your boyfriend, at the time, Peter, would harm Mr. Cullen or yourself if you admitted that you had sexual relations that evening?"

"Yes, I was so afraid that he would hurt Eddie, and I just wanted to protect him from harm. I loved him. I've always loved him."

I almost threw up hearing those words spoken aloud. _Those were Bella's words._

Though this was terribly painful to witness, it broke my heart that I never knew the extent of her feelings. Not that I had ever felt any reciprocation of her affection in that way, but maybe it wouldn't have come to this if I had just acknowledged them.

"So what are you asking the court to do about the Civil No Contact Order?"

"I want you to take the restraining order away." She looked at me then with almost a smile on her face. _Redemption._

_Oh my fucking God…thank you._

"You want the court to file an order vacating the terms of the restraining order against Mr. Cullen?"

"Yes, sir."

"I have no further questions." The attorney returned to his seat. In my own seat, I was bouncing internally like a five year old jacked up on pixie stix. I wondered idly if I could text blindly with the phone in my pocket, or if under the circumstances it would be inappropriate to whip it out and just make a call to Bella right there and then.

Judge Aro leaned forward in his chair, causally resting his hands under his chin. "Counselor do you have any questions of the witness?"

"No, your Honor."

"So can both parties agree that they want the restraining order lifted?"

"Yes, your Honor," both sides answered in unison. I wanted to pump my fist in the air but I kept myself appropriately restrained.

Judge Aro said nonchalantly, "Well then draw up an order to that effect and I will sign it." Attorneys moved about the room in hushed tones while I sat there stunned and overwhelmed, itching to tell Bella the news. Actually, I was itching to get home so I could fucking kiss her right and proper, and maybe even cop a feel in public. My father hugged me to him tightly.

The attorney's wrote out an order form saying that the restraining order had been vacated and was no longer in effect. Once Judge Aro signed the order the attorneys thanked him before returning to their seats. _They fucking thanked him._ I shook my head at the irony of thanking a man who put this bullshit into effect in the first place.

"You'll need to show this to your school." Jason handed me a copy of the document that gave me my freedom and I cradled it to my chest like my first born child. I would probably frame that shit and hang it over my bed so that every time I held Bella in my arms, as we basked in the glow of our post coital bliss, I could look at it and be reminded of how fucking sweet freedom really was.

My father leaned over in front of me to confer with Jason. "What happens to her now?"

_Shit, what _would_ happen to her now?_

_Why the fuck do I care?_

Jason responded in a whisper, "Well, the State's attorney could open a criminal case against her for perjury for lying under oath at the last hearing. However, given the abusive nature of her relationship with Peter at the time of the incident, plus her suicide attempt, it's probably unlikely. It would look like the prosecutor was victimizing her again. Therefore, they are unlikely to pursue those charges. They could also charge her with filing a false police report. She might have to pay a fine or do some community service along with being put on probation. However she is unlikely to spend a day in jail regardless of what the prosecution decides to do."

"So…right now, she just goes free? After she put Edward through hell? There's nothing that we can do? What about Peter? Nothing happens to him?" my father was beside himself.

"The prosecution would decide to charge Peter with assault and battery for beating up Charlotte. She would have to go to them and present her case. Then they would have to decide if it's worth it. It is possible they could charge him with conspiracy for having Charlotte lie but again that would require the prosecution to decide to press these charges if there is enough evidence. Both of these would have to rely on Charlotte's credibility which is about nil at this point. We could also try to sue her for slander but…."

As my dad and Jason quietly discussed the various ways to gain vengeance against Charlotte, my head swam with thoughts of what this meant. My life would return to normal and I wouldn't have to fucking watch every move I made around my girlfriend. We could quit constantly looking over our shoulders. I could be with her in every sense of the word, and love her the right way, the way she and I both deserved. Everything would eventually be fine for me.

I would stop therapy and drug counseling and my truancy officer visits would come to an abrupt end. Maybe I would even get to a point where I would be able to come off the antidepressants. But Charlotte had to live with this forever. She had to be reminded of what she did every single day by the scars marring her skin and the guilt that would haunt her dreams forever.

The fact was that I could easily pursue a punishment for Charlotte, in an attempt at vindication or retribution just to even the score. But it seemed to me, looking at that broken mess of a girl, with the bandages on her arms and her sickly appearance that she was suffering in her own way. She probably always would in some form. The thing was that she had finally confessed. I mean, it took a year and a half, but she didn't have to do this. She didn't have to put herself on the stand and tell everyone she lied and tried to kill herself. She could have let the sentence ride out another year and no one would have known the real truth but me.

And to be honest, I was afraid to think what would have happened between Peter and I had this not happened. Who knew if he would have broken both my arms or worse? Who knew if Charlotte's punishment from him wouldn't have killed her?

As much as I hated her for ruining my life, I wasn't so jaded that I couldn't see that this ruined her life as well. And that in her mind, mostly, she did this to protect me because she cared about me. Only now, I got to go live and she was stuck in her own personal hell. The bottom line was this…all of this, all of my suffering and everything I went through had ultimately led me to Bella. Without any of this occurring, I would never have met her, so in actuality, I had Charlotte to thank.

_God that's fucked up on so many levels it isn't funny. _

I cut in before any more could be spoken.

"I'm done, Dad. She's not free. She's going back to a psych hospital." I shook my head at the thought. Regardless of what she did to me, I still felt compassion toward her, for some unknown reason. "She's obviously suffering and I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to think about any of it, just want to put this behind me and move on with my life. I never want to see the inside of a courtroom again."

They both regarded me with shocked wide eyes. "You're sure, Edward?"

"Positive. I don't ever want to come back to Chicago except to visit Gran and Gramps."

We rose when the bailiff requested. "The court has ended session." Without further acknowledgement, Judge Aro disappeared behind the door into his chambers as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, and this was just a routine fucking part of his monotonous day.

"Now him, on the other hand," I said, nodding to the door with my teeth gritted. "I'd like to see him fucking hung by his balls."

"You're not the only one."

In a rush, Charlotte was ushered out by her parents, her head hung, still crying silent tears. She took one remorseful glance at me. I had this strange urge to wave goodbye to her, but I just stared instead. I wished her no malevolence and I hoped she knew that.

Her attorney approached Jason, handing him a letter sized envelope addressed to me in Charlotte's handwriting. In the right hand corner was an address stamp from Pembroke Pines in blue printed ink. I took it from him warily, knowing it was most likely an apology letter. I was torn as to whether I really wanted to know what she had to say, but if it made her feel better then I understood why she had to write it. It was the same reason I wrote in the journal; for catharsis.

If she needed to make apologies to me to help herself heal then I should in all fairness take the time to read it, because maybe it would bring me some sort of peace or closure to the friendship we once had. I decided to wait until I was alone to open it.

As we left the courtroom, filtering out into the vast waiting area, I noticed that Charlotte and her parents were long gone and I was glad to not have to face her again. The only face I wanted to see was my girl's.

I pulled my phone from my pocket, smiling as I walked over to a quiet corner of the waiting area. In my periphery, I noticed my dad doing the same, no doubt calling my mom with the news.

It was a little surreal to dial her number, knowing that in seconds I would hear her voice on the other end. I figured since it was a little past eleven thirty that she was in lunch. My whole body was floating with excitement, hardly able to control myself I wanted to run a marathon or repeatedly pitch fastballs at a target.

_Ha! Where was Peter when I finally needed him?_

I had been so exhausted from lack of sleep and the mental anguish of not knowing what the outcome of the day would be, but I was suddenly bursting at the seams with energy.

She answered on the first ring. "Edward?"

"Hi Baby," I said with a smile in my voice and joy in my heart. My balls may have been a bit tingly with excitement too, knowing they were free.

"I'm coming home…."

Needless to say, her squeals were deafening and quite literally the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

**~%~**

My grandmother's arms encircled me as her lips met my forehead. "Edward! We need to celebrate! What do you say to dinner at The Signature Room?" she asked brightly, suggesting that we commemorate the occasion at one of the finest and most expensive restaurants in Chicago. As much as I wanted to, I really, really needed to be somewhere else.

"Actually," I replied sheepishly. "Would you guys be offended if I just went straight to the airport? I need to see Bella."

Since my grandparents would be coming in to Forks for Emmett's graduation the following weekend, I didn't really feel that guilty for wanting to leave so abruptly. They of course, understood completely, sending me off with their congratulations.

We swung by the house to grab our things before heading to the airport. My dad and I were fortunate enough to make a flight out on standby. I couldn't sleep, though I needed to desperately, but I was way too keyed up. Once we got to our connecting flight in Phoenix there was only one seat on the plane to Sea-Tac available, which he happily and graciously let me have.

Before I boarded the flight he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Be safe, son."

I chuckled at him. "Dad, it's a three hour flight, how much trouble can I possibly get in?" Well, with my luck the way it had been, the plane would probably crash and incinerate my newly freed ass in a matter of seconds. Maybe it was better that we were taking separate flights after all.

He threw his head back in laughter. "I mean _be safe_ as in use a condom…or five. I'm too young and good looking to be a grandfather." I rolled my eyes at him with a blush, a little embarrassed at the notion that it was so obvious what was going to happen.

"You worry too much. Have some faith," I smirked back, using his words from the flight over, only now, in an entirely different context. I hugged him again, full of gratitude, knowing how fortunate I was to have him. As I pulled away I whispered, "I love you, Dad."

He replied with the same sentiment and gave a wave before I went through the boarding area alone. Thankfully, my suitcase was small enough that I didn't have to check it, saving a step. I checked once again that the paperwork was secure, before stowing it carefully in the overhead compartment.

Then I called Emmett, just to make sure he could pick me up at the airport. I knew school was officially finished for him so missing class wouldn't be an issue. I could have called Bella, but as much as I was dying to put my arms around her as soon as humanly possible, I didn't want her driving into Seattle that late at night since my flight arrived in the middle of the night. It just wasn't safe. I asked her to meet me at my house the next afternoon once class let out.

Once the flight was underway, I opened Charlotte's letter.

Through her words I realized how much she had been suffering. Not nearly as long as I had been, and not in the same capacity, but she had accepted her mistake and owned up to it.

By accepting her heartfelt apology, I found a sense of closure. It also gave me the assurance that I was doing the right thing by not pursuing and course of action against her false testimony. I was very sad for her, and I truly wished her no harm. If anything, this ordeal taught me that I needed to pay attention to my surroundings, and not be so self absorbed all the time.

When Emmett met me at the airport, he surrounded me with a hug that practically squeezed all the air from my lungs. He was armed with a brown bag containing a full assortment of condoms and a shit eating grin.

I found it highly entertaining that everyone assumed the first thing Bella and I were going to do was have sex. When in reality, all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms. Okay well, maybe I wanted to have sex too, but not immediately or anything.

By the time we got home, it was around eight in the morning. I spent a few minutes with my mom before heading upstairs to lie down. Her excitement was adorable, and I swore that her belly had gotten even bigger overnight.

The car ride home with Emmett and his noisy fucking chatter had not allowed me sleep and my eyes were burning from sheer exhaustion. My body was finally coming down from the adrenaline high, hitting me hard. I took a shower to keep myself awake, because I knew with the half days that the Juniors had, that Bella would be home in a few hours and I didn't want to waste a second of my time with her asleep.

I dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, unpacked my suitcase, hung my (now lucky) suit in the closet, wrote in my journal, stuffed Charlotte's letter in my drawer, and framed the photo of me and Bella kissing because it was too hot to keep hidden. Eventually, I was too antsy to do anything but go to her. My mother absolutely would not allow me to drive with my eyes hooded as they were, so I had Emmett drop me off at the high school, with the intention of having Bella drive me home. It was almost noon, minutes until the Juniors were released…mere minutes until Bella was in my arms.

I waited outside in the parking lot, leaning against the trunk of her car with the paperwork that was intended for my file in the main office clutched in my hand. I tilted my face to the sun, reveling in the warmth of it on my cheeks, thinking...just thinking about how good it was to be home.

Every now and then, through my smiles and smirks of the newfound freedom I had regained, gray tinted visions of Charlotte in the courtroom flitted into my consciousness. I decided that I would write a letter back to her, telling her that she was forgiven. Even though it was difficult to accept that what she had done was to protect me, it was the only way I could remedy the conflicting emotions in my heart and in my head, and hopefully she would be able to find peace as well.

_Oh man…I sound just like Dr. Kate. She would be so proud._

When the double doors leading outside opened loudly, I focused my attention toward the bodies filtering out, bustling with excitement of the Prom, end of a new year and the beginning of a long lazy summer.

For me, it was the start of a whole new life.

As soon as I saw her face, my mouth exploded into a smile so wide it reached my ears. Her hand flitted to her mouth to cover a yawn as she walked alongside Angela, Alice and Rose who were engrossed in conversation. Bella was shrugging off a little denim jacket as she walked, revealing a flowery sundress underneath. My fingers twitched knowing in seconds I would be able to touch the skin on her shoulders, caresses her face…run my hands through her long hair. She looked fucking amazing.

I stepped forward a foot, shortening the distance between us, as she still hadn't seen me waiting there. Then Alice caught sight of me offering a cheerful wave as she alerted Bella to my presence. All four girls paused in their tracks.

Bella's jacket and purse slipped carelessly to the pavement, as she stood stunned, frozen in place with her mouth open. Then she screamed and ran forward, as fast as her flip flops could take her. I stumbled back laughing when she launched herself onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist as I found purchase against her car again. Bella buried her face in my neck and I held her so tight, pressing her body to mine as though my life depended on it. I couldn't tell if she was laughing or crying. I was doing both.

In that moment, the moment that I had waited so long for, I lost myself in her…in her scent, in the distinct feeling of her softness, in her hair, in her skin.

"My beautiful girl…I missed you so fucking much," I whispered reverently. I knew I had missed her, but I had no idea how very much so.

She pulled away from my neck, cradling my cheeks in her hands, smiling with tears in her eyes. She looked so tired, maybe even more than I did and regardless of how much I didn't want to waste time napping, I knew it was unavoidable that we both got some much needed sleep…together.

I turned her so that her ass was on the trunk of her car and I was standing between her legs still embracing her. She showered my face with kisses and giggles and heartfelt yet excited, 'I love you's.' I rested my forehead against hers, breathing in deeply, so fucking happy to be home, so fucking happy to have her in my arms. I brushed my lips against hers, softly passing them back and forth, ignoring our classmates as we engaged in this open display of affection.

I kissed her softly, our mouths forming to one another's, our tongues gently playing and teasing in the sweetest of all kisses. There was no urgency to be had, no one to hide from, nothing to be afraid of. Nothing. We had all the time in the world.

It was pure fucking bliss.

"You look so tired. My poor baby," she said, tracing her fingers over my cheek.

"You have no idea."

"Actually, I think I do," she laughed. I leaned forward giving her a tiny kiss on her lips, which turned into two kisses and then four and before I knew it my tongue was back in her mouth.

We were forced apart when Alice approached with Jasper's arm around her shoulders. My brother hugged me with an added fist bump and after Alice handed Bella her jacket and purse, she hugged me too. It was so nice, to be honest. It felt…natural.

They hung out for a few minutes while I gave a quick run through of the details of court. Before they left us to resume our sweet reunion, Jasper leaned in letting me know he had a shitload of condoms in his top dresser drawer.

_Jesus, people with the rubbers already._

My fingers pressed into Bella's bare skin, feeling her, taking her in, making up for all the moments we couldn't take advantage of before. Without hesitation, I righted the strap that had fallen from her shoulder, placing a kiss on her skin. She giggled and hummed a bit with this fire in her eyes, that even through her exhaustion, burned and smoldered.

She was so fucking happy. I don't think I had ever been this joyous myself… so full of love and filled with a beautiful inner peace.

"Hey," I said, pulling the necklace with our rings out from inside my shirt. I unclasped the catch letting both rings drop in my palm. "I don't think I need this for luck anymore. The black cloud has lifted. The voodoo doll is dead."

Bella laughed as she held out her hand allowing me to slip the ring on her third finger. I kissed it softly before sliding my ring on my own hand. She admired hers for a minute, turning it one her finger as the sunlight caught the metal.

"Edward…I don't want to wait though," she said shyly, with her bottom lip caught between her teeth. "I want to _be_ with you."

My heart fluttered and my pants tightened against the hard strain in my pants. I smirked, leaning forward to trap her sentiment between a kiss. "Me too. So fucking much." She sighed against me, trailing soft fingertips on my arms. Nothing had ever felt better.

A heavy wave of exhaustion swept over me again, making me yawn. "I know it's probably the last thing you want to do right now, but do you think maybe we could just go back to my house and take a nap? We can go out tonight to celebrate, if you want."

"As long as I get to hold you in my arms, I'll do whatever you like," she smiled, covering her own yawn.

I snatched up the envelope, helping her down from the trunk of the car. Bella slipped her arm around my waist grinning brightly. I pulled her close, kissing the top of her head not wanting to put an inch of space between us. I loved this feeling and I wished to God it would never end.

"What's that?" she asked nodding to the envelope in my grasp.

"Permission to touch you," I smirked knowing for once it did not contain the key to my fucking demise, but quite the opposite. I slipped my hand down her back, cupping one of her ass cheeks gently in my hand. "Come with me to the main office, then we'll go home and snuggle…and stuff."

Her eyes twinkled. "I like the 'and stuff' part."

_Me too, baby, me too._

The two of us were smiling fools, giddy in our love as we gazed at each other dumbly, laughing and shaking our heads at the silliness. I held my palm up, an offer for her to take my hand. Bella's grin was huge as she slid her palm gently into mine, squeezing tightly, never wavering. I reveled in the warmth and the softness of her skin, the feeling of completeness as her fingers meshed with my own. It was odd, yet surprisingly beautiful how intimate such an innocent gesture seemed all of a sudden.

And then as we started toward the main door of the school, I smiled with a slight air of cockiness, thinking that for the first time that I was holding Bella's hand…in public…proudly…with permission….

Like a normal fucking boyfriend.

**~%~**


	38. Chapter 38 So Close

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**As always, kisses to Erika for her outstanding proofing skills and to Suzy, who even though she abandoned me for Hershey Park in the middle of my writer's block crisis, she is forgiven, because well, she bought me some damn chocolate!**

**Girls' Prom outfits are on my profile. There are none for the boys because a tux is a tux is a tux.**

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 38~ So Close**

**I'm gonna stand on a rooftop **  
**Climb up a mountaintop **  
**Baby, scream and shout **  
**I wanna sing it on the radio **  
**Show it on a video **  
**Baby, leave no doubt **  
**I want the whole world to know **  
**Just what I'm all about **  
**I love to love you out loud **

**You keep bringing out the free in me **  
**What you do to my heart **  
**Just makes me melt **  
**And I don't think I can resist **  
**But I've never been one to kiss and tell **  
**A love this true can't be subdued **  
**So I'm gonna let out a yell **

**Love You Outloud~ Rascall Flatts**

**~Bella~**

With his fingers laced tightly through mine, Edward was asleep before I even pulled the gearshift into reverse. The smile on his face was peaceful, contented…so, so happy, and knowing that my confrontation with Charlotte was the catalyst for his freedom made me soar. That, and the fact that he could touch me now…and _had_… a lot.

We weren't able to walk two feet on our journey to the principal's office without kissing or hugging or Edward pinning me to the brick wall with my hands trapped in his, above my head in some sexy, domineering pose as I wrapped my leg around his ass to pull him closer so that I could feel the erection he told me he was sporting because, "My tits looked fuckawesome in my dress and he could only imagine touching what was underneath the skirt."

And yes, with only the gauzy fabric of the sundress and a pair of plain white cotton bikini undies on beneath, I could feel him…_all_ of him and it was unadulterated bliss in its most perfect form. You know that old saying, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Well if that was the case, Edward would have been a motherfucking millionaire!

And yeah, since I never use the word _motherfucking_…you know it was damn good.

While stopped at a traffic light, I rubbed his knee just under the hem of his khaki shorts, loving the feel of his furry boy legs, and marveling at how light his hair actually was. He had such great legs, and it was funny because I never noticed them before. Probably because I'd never really seen him in shorts. My guess was that this was going to be a really fun summer for the both of us.

Once I pulled into Edward's empty driveway, I latched the convertible top back in place and peppered Edward's face with soft kisses to wake him up. He was groggy and incoherent when he finally came to, managing to give me a lazy smile with very hooded lids, but we made it up the balcony staircase together without incident. The last time I had been up there, guiding Edward on the ascent of the stairs was _that night._ I shuddered reminiscing about it. I actually found myself chanting, "New memories, new memories," just to help dissolve the horrific images.

He belly flopped on the bed with his legs dangling off the side while I went about the room closing blinds to allow for as much darkness as I could get at one in the afternoon on a rare but bright and sunny day. I pulled off each of Edward's Nikes, placing them neatly on the floor next to the couch. When a muffled, "Socks, please," came from the bedding, I peeled those off too, tossing them into the hamper. He crawled up the bed on all fours, throwing the covers over himself as he lay into the pillows, again with that beautiful, contented smile. His eyes were shut seconds later.

Edward had mentioned earlier that his mom was planning to have a celebration dinner for him, so I slipped my dress over my head, draping it over his desk chair, to avoid having looked like I slept in it. Underneath were only my undies and a little white tank top with one of those built in bra thingies, which I didn't think Edward would mind finding me in once he woke up. As a precaution, I locked the door and climbed into bed with Edward, thankful that I had shaved my legs that morning.

For a few beautiful minutes, I watched him sleep with utmost reverence, taking every inch of him in. As always, my fingers ached to touch his skin, to feel the softness along his jaw, to graze the plump pout of his lips. I watched his chest rise and fall, listened to the sweet sighs he made while dreams slowly made their way into his mind. And when I brushed my nails through his sideburns and then down the side of his cheek, tears sprung to my eyes at how genuinely lovely he was. And that finally, finally we were able to act normal and express embarrassing public displays of affection while copping inappropriate feels like typical teenagers.

His hand moved upward, searching blindly as it made its way through the sheets to find my own. Once his fingers were meshed with mine, I snuggled into his chest whispering, "I love you." He responded only with a soft hum in my hair and then I had no choice but to surrender to my exhaustion.

**~%~**

I slept so well that afternoon. It was peaceful and deep, filled with vivid dreams of smiling, happy Edward. When I finally felt my eyes flutter open hours later, I remembered that I was in Edward's bed and that the fingertips trailing from my knee upwards on my bare thigh were in fact, his. I was snuggled against him in a spoon; my back arched against the crescent curve of Edward's chest. I felt his lips in my hair, brushing back and forth, occasionally pressing a kiss to my head as his fingers danced over my leg.

Still groggy with sleep, the distinct flutter of delicious ache in my lower belly surfaced as Edward's thumb hooked into the elastic waist of my panties, sliding back and forth and barely there, but _definitely_ there. He moved the cotton down on my hip, not quite off, just down…rubbing his thumb lower and lower into the juncture of where my thigh met my hip. He was so close, edging closer and closer….

I moaned softly, completely on instinct, because the tender motion felt so good, so perfect… not quite a tickle but so much more….

Edward took my sounds as a wordless cue to explore further, which I was glad because I didn't want my sour sleep breath to spoil our moment by having to speak. His fingertips moved ever so slowly from my underwear upward, snaking underneath the stretchy fabric of my tank top. They left a trail of warmth behind, so lovely against my neglected skin.

He traced lazy, almost tentative figure eights on the skin just under my breasts until I pressed his hand under mine urging him to move upward because I needed more. I had waited long enough and I wanted his hands all over me, _on_ me, _in_ me….

The torturous waiting, when I knew we no longer had to, was excruciating.

"My beautiful girl," he whispered into my hair, just as he palmed a breast, massaging it tenderly. I moaned again and Edward's hips pushed into my backside, revealing to me that he was definitely, definitely turned on.

My fingernails dug into the sheets while I caught my breath. I could feel my own arousal between my legs already soaking my underwear right through. Pressing my thighs together seemed to help quell the ache temporarily, but not nearly enough to keep the intense longing at bay.

"Mmmm…E…that feels so good." A thumb and forefinger closed over my nipple and squeezed, gently tugging until I was writhing against his erection and he was pushing his hips into me just to get some resistance. It was just…it was so…oh God….

I reached behind me, sliding my hand between our bodies so that I could hold him in my palm because I wanted him closer to me. I wanted him under my skin, inside of me, on top of me…everywhere. Edward hissed and moaned as I gripped him tightly through his shorts, thinking about how unbelievably hard he was and if it physically hurt for boys to get to that state.

"Baby, can I…is it okay if…fuck…do you mind if I unzip my pants?" He could barely get the words out between clenched teeth and panting breaths. I had my hand working to open the button and zipper before he could even move his hips back away from my ass. He lifted his hips up, to slide his shorts and boxer briefs off, tossing them to the edge of the bed. Then his Polo shirt went too, leaving him stark naked in all his beautiful glory.

He had waited so long…he had earned this. _We_ had earned this.

"Oh, Jesus," he moaned as I wrapped my hand around him, marveling in awe at how hard and thick it was, yet how velvety soft the skin encasing the shaft was. I was about to ask him if he used some sort of specially formulated peen lotion on it, and then I chuckled to myself realizing that of course his skin would be soft...he went through like, four tubes of my lotion in the nine months that I had known him. That was more than I used every day on my entire body in the same time span.

As Edward gyrated gently into my lower back, he slipped his arm underneath my ribs to palm my breast, which allowed the other hand freedom to roam.

_Downward._

_Yes. Praise the lord, yes!_

"Oh…shit," I whimpered meekly, knowing exactly where his fingers were headed. And by all rights, I should have been nervous or something, because technically it was the first time I had ever had boy fingers diddle my girlie parts. But maybe it was the fact that I was still half asleep, or possibly it was the surrealness of Edward's sentence suddenly being revoked, I wasn't quite certain what it was that was easing my anxiety. But I think for the most part, it was that the anticipation and the waiting that had finally come to an end and I was just so ready to be with him.

"Fuck," he whispered, nibbling at my jaw while making his way up to my earlobe. "Should I stop? Is it too much?"

_Oh, stupid, stupid question._

I nodded no emphatically as his fingers continued their painfully slow journey south. Or east rather, because technically I was horizontal. I turned my face toward him, still unwilling to actually make contact with my mouth.

One hand pulled at my nipple, the other trailed gingerly down my stomach, through soft hair and then he was there….

My entire body tensed when he made contact with my love nub.

_Yeah, I said love nub, so shut it. The word __**clit**__ grosses me out._

"Oh. My. God. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!"

"Shhh, baby, there's people downstairs," he said in a whisper into my hair. I cringed when remembering where we were, but so spellbound by what he was doing to me, I couldn't quite care.

Through the slick wetness, he rubbed small, tight circles with his middle finger pressing gently, panting in my ear. Little jolts of sensation pulsed through me every time he circled and pressed inward. I felt the prickle in my scalp and in my toes and it was sheer and utter craziness. It had only ever been my own fingers there and of course a vibrator or two, but this was _Edward_. This was love and lust and release and joy and fuck…and his goddamn abnormally long fingers diddling me!

_Hey Diddle Diddle, the cock and the…what is that rhyme? Damn…I can't remember it. I am lucky I can remember my name right now…Oh, yeah...Bella. Bella, that's me. At least that's what he's whispering in my ear…._

My hands balled into fists, releasing his peen from my grip, because I could no longer concentrate on anything other then the feeling of his fingers on me. His generous act of pleasure made me shamefully selfish.

_So much for multitasking._

"Edward…."

"I love you," he whispered in response. His hot breath caressed my ear; sweet endearments dancing over my face. "I fucking love you."

His long slender finger slipped along the length of my opening before gently pushing inside of me. I heard him whimper at the same time I did, so I knew that this was as pleasurable to give as it was to receive. First one finger pushed inside, then another…pulsing in and out of me…slowly, slowly and then faster. I moaned and writhed against his grip, which was holding me to his chest so tightly, as though he wanted to be as close as humanly possible.

He angled his fingers upward hitting the elusive G- spot which I honestly thought was a myth to give dissatisfied women a false sense of hope, while at the same time rubbing my clit with his thumb. And he was moaning while sucking on my neck, and rolling my nipple with his thumb and forefinger. So much pleasure, everywhere.

And then I was done.

_Thank God Edward could multi task._

The last nine months flashed before my eyes and everything that had been pent up inside of me for as long flooded out in ripples of shaking legs and hips arching off the bed surface and white spots behind my eyes and "I love you's," and various forms of "Fucks," and "Oh Gods," spewed out intermittently from both of our mouths, with Edward's fingers still feverishly working inside of me.

I screamed into his pillows while he cooed, "That's right baby, let it go." I could tell by the distinct air of cockiness in his voice that he was pretty satisfied with himself at the moment, as he should have been.

I, however, couldn't see or speak or think and my teeth and my toes felt like they were vibrating with the intensity of the orgasm he'd given me. I had never had one so powerful before. It made me nervous a little, because half way through the intensity was too much and I almost needed him to stop to give me a break, but I was afraid it would go away all together and I was not about to lose the opportunity…_any_ opportunity with him.

My body wasn't used to such concentrated forms of stimulation in all those spots at one time, despite the fact that I masturbated to the point of needing carpal tunnel surgery. This was entirely different. This was Edward and he was everywhere and…he knew what he was doing. I suppose all the porn he watched actually sufficed as a teaching aid. Either that or Edward was a natural born poonanny diddler.

_I suppose Tanya is responsible in part for that. Whore._

_I should send her a video of Edward making me come to thank her. I'm sure Edward wants to express his appreciation as well._

I collapsed against his chest as complete relaxation overcame my body and my breathing regulated back to normal.

But then once his fingers slid out of me, I was left feeling hollow and vacant, and I wanted more. _Needed_ more.

Turning on my side to face him, I ran one hand through his sideburn and the other downward through his magical treasure trail, down, down, down until I was gripping him firmly in my palm and squeezing gently just like he had showed me in Vegas. Only I had to work to stop gritting my teeth and crushing him in my fist because I wanted him so badly. Edward was still hard as a rock, obviously in much need of a release, as he groaned when I ran my thumb over the slick wetness at the head.

"Edward...I want you inside of me, I want you to make love with me…please." I couldn't think about anything else but him fucking me. Actually, I was sort of obsessing about grabbing some mouthwash, but other than that I couldn't focus on anything but giving myself to him. And I didn't really care if we made love, or if we had sex, or if we fucked, because I just wanted it any way I could get it. _Now._

His green eyes were pleading with me. "Bella…I want it too, so fucking bad, I have never wanted anything more but…." He shook his head.

_But? _

_Seriously? _

"But what?" I asked, not making the slightest attempt to mask the hurt in my voice. My hand had ceased the stroking.

"I…I want it to be nice. I want your first time to be really special," he replied, kissing my forehead. He stroked his knuckles along my cheek with such affection in his eyes it made my chest hurt a little.

"This _is_ nice. This _is_ special," I said breathlessly, as I attacked his neck with open mouthed kisses without really thinking the words through. I had been so caught up in the moment that I was blinded by lust or whatever the hell was taking my brain over. "We're celebrating. Let's just do it now. I want you so much...please." Without waiting for a reply, I shifted my body up so that I could angle myself enough to open for him. I pressed the head of his dick against my opening, spreading my thigh wide and hitching it around his hip in one swift move.

_Shameless._

Edward trapped my wrists in his hands, halting my efforts. His tone changed to something much more serious. "Bella…come on, baby. What's your rush?"

With disbelief and great disappointment, trying to hold back tears, I whispered, "Why are you stalling?"

He looked at me incredulously. "I'm not stalling, it's just…."

"Edward…I would think that you would want to take advantage of your newfound freedom." I may have huffed and pouted a little. I was really beginning to get a complex.

_Do I smell bad or something? I took a shower...I shaved my legs…._

He mumbled, "Maybe I am just trying to savor and appreciate the fact that I actually have an option now. I mean, I think about it everyday…being with you. But I think about holding you and loving you and being quiet with you like this more, because as much as we wanted it, our relationship was never based on sex and I don't want to start this new phase of our lives making that the sole focus either."

His eyes met mine, so pale and beautiful. How on earth did someone get to be that beautiful? And so damn philosophical?

"But Edward, we've been together nine months and we're finally allowed to be intimate and now you're telling me you don't want to take advantage of it? I don't understand." Edward had been rubbing my palms with his thumbs I guess in an effort to calm me down.

"Bella, I don't…" he huffed in agitation. "You think I don't want this? God, it's all I fucking think about twenty-four-seven, but…you can't…you can't get back your first time. Trust me, I know. I'd give fucking anything to have had it been with you and not drunk with…" He bit his bottom lip, looking ashamed "_Her_."

Despite the fact that he brought that dirty skank up in the middle of our very important discussion about making love, I was thankful that he couldn't bring himself to say her name out loud in my presence.

"Listen, it may be your first time, but it's also _our _first time…my first time with you…and I want it to be really meaningful, you know? After all the shit we went through, I want to look back twenty years from now and have nothing but great memories of us, not regrets. All of the memories I have given you are tainted somehow and I want this to be perfect." He looked down, obviously feeling shitty about the things in his past that he couldn't control. It took me a minute to realize that now that he had some control back in his life, now that he was able to make choices, I was persistently trying to make them for him.

"Oh, Edward no," I said touching his cheek. "I don't think all of our memories are tainted." I really didn't. Even the stuff that had been bad was overshadowed by all the good memories. Mostly.

"Yeah, right. Thanksgiving? Christmas? Valentine's Day? The concert? All fucking ruined." With sad eyes, he licked his lips and began, "Baby, I have this vision of how it is going to be…and this here… in my bed, with this nasty taste in my mouth and my family downstairs is not the way I wanted it to happen. Please…can you give me that? Can we just wait a bit?"

I immediately felt terrible and selfish for pressuring him into having sex with me, assuming that because he wasn't a virgin and that he'd been so cockblocked for the last year and a half that he'd automatically want to get busy right away. All he wanted was to make this perfect for the both of us, because his prior sexual experiences had sucked.

I nodded my head in agreement, whispering an apology that he told me was unnecessary. Totally disregarding our yucky breath, Edward kissed me softly and stroked one of my nipples with his thumb and forefinger. It puckered under the warmth of his touch and my entire body tingled with that simple motion.

God, I was so fucking horny.

"This weekend then?" I asked with renewed hope encouraging my overzealous sex drive.

He shut his eyes and laughed at my desperation. "You want to lose your virginity on prom night? Isn't that a little cliché?"

I groaned unabashedly with frustration. "Yeah, but honestly…I don't care what it is, I just want to be with you, Edward."

_I'll get on my goddamn knees and beg if I have to. Oh, and while I am down there…._

"Bellaaaaa," he whined. "We're going to be in a house full of drunken shitheads this weekend. I'll tell you what…I'll make reservations at a hotel in Seattle for next weekend. We'll have dinner and we'll spend the night. And then…it'll be nice." He smiled that beautiful smirk of his that enraptured me every time.

"Next weekend is graduation and your grandparents are coming," I reminded him dejectedly.

Edward scratched his head and said, "Okay, then the weekend after?"

"Fine," I conceded with a defeated exhale, thinking that he was probably right, but I was not at all happy about it. Looking at the bright side, I figured it gave me enough time to go buy something pretty in the underwear department for the occasion and maybe get some candles and whatever it is that makes for a romantic evening. Edward said he had this particular vision conjured up in his head, so I thought it would be nice if I could help make his fantasy come true. I just hoped that it wasn't a disappointment for him, just as much as he wanted it to be special for me.

He kissed the inside of my wrist as I brought it up to caress his face and then wove his fingers with mine, slowly guiding our linked hands downward between our bodies. Edward's hips shifted forward, pressing into my hand. _Ohhhhhhhh…thaaaaaaaat…._

"But in the meantime…if it's not too much to ask…I'd reeeeeally like to come," he said with a devilish smirk. I smirked back, happily obliging as I stroked his peen, while completely enjoying the way his eyes sparkled when I made him feel good. Hastily throwing the covers aside, I kissed my way down Edward's chest and stomach at a torturously slow pace, pushing him on his back, relishing in the anticipatory moan he made just knowing he was going to get a blow job.

God, _it_ was perfect.

I mean as far as peens go, that is. In all honesty, they were ugly, odd looking things and since I had never seen another in person, I had nothing to compare it too. But something about Edward's fantastic peen and the noises he made when I touched it, or even when I _mentioned_ touching it, made me want to suck on it all day and night with no lunch or pee breaks.

"Ahh, I missed you, my old friend," I said, giggling at his crotch, while making a mental note that _it_ needed a name. I placed a soft kiss on the top of his peen, before darting my tongue out to taste the salty wetness there.

Edward groaned and whispered, "He missed you too. You have no idea…." He smoothed back my hair with his hand, moving the long strands aside. I realized it was so that he could clear his unobstructed view.

_He liked to watch…._

_Oh, like that's a big secret._

_Perv._

Knowing he was attentively gaping at me, with uninhibited effort, I licked my way up and down the thick shaft, slowly swirling my tongue around the leaking head before engulfing him in my mouth, sucking and stroking him rhythmically with my hand. He raised his hips to meet my strokes, almost as if he had no control over the movement and it was instinctive. When I chanced a quick peek at him, he had one arm behind his head, propping it up so that he could watch me with wide eyes and his lower lip caught in his teeth.

Oh my God, he was so fucking hot, all naked and with his dick in my mouth, watching and moaning and telling me how good it felt.

Sliding his hand from my hair, he placed one of his hands atop my own, moving them down off his thigh and I knew then that he wanted me to use my hand to cup his balls. I didn't mind doing that, but it felt really weird—all soft and jubbly. I loved that he wasn't afraid to tell me what he liked, and that my inexperience wasn't an issue for him.

With him still in my mouth, I sucked upward and gave him a shy smile. He returned the smile telling me that I was beautiful and that it felt fucking amazing and he was almost there. Knowing that, I sped up the pace, stroking and sucking simultaneously, every so often glancing at him. Edward's head was thrown back and his lids squeezed shut, fist now balled at his side gripping the sheets.

What was truly beautiful, was the expression on his face while he came in my mouth…so intense and contorted with pleasure and satisfaction and gratitude.

_For my efforts._

_And mah mad oral skillz_.

And, it also didn't hurt that I swallowed.

Afterward, I lay my head on his bare chest while he stroked my hair and we talked about our plans for the summer so naturally, as though we had done this a million times before. He mentioned that Edward Sr. had asked about him coming to New York for a week or so. Edward was on the fence, because as much as he wanted to meet his biological father in person, he was still kind of unsure how to feel about him and the situation in general. Edward said the only way he would go is if I accompanied him.

I didn't know if Charlie would be too thrilled with that, but I was at the point that I didn't feel as though he really could do anything to stop me now. Besides, I had plans to see my mom again over the summer as well. I thought that possibly if we could plan the trips back to back, Edward could come with me to California to meet my mom and Phil right after we went to New York, and Charlie wouldn't really have a say that way. However, we decided that the trip would have to wait until after the baby was born, because Edward didn't want to be away for his sister's birth.

It seemed as though everything was finally coming together.

Edward reached over to his nightstand when his phone rang. He laughed and rolled his eyes, muttering, "Jesus Christ, Ma. Yeah, okay. We'll be down in a few minutes." I unwrapped myself from him to sit up, and straighten out my tank top that had gone askew.

Raking a hand through my matted post-fellatio hair, I asked, "What's the matter, E?"

"That was my mom…dinner's almost ready and she didn't want to come up and knock 'cause she didn't want to _disturb_ us."

"Oh," I laughed, feeling embarrassed but entirely grateful that I had makeup and a hairbrush in my purse and a toothbrush in E's bathroom medicine cabinet. That last thing I wanted was to look like I had been fucked when I hadn't been.

"I swear it's a conspiracy. My whole family is dying for me to get laid. Have I been that uptight?" he asked seriously, as he sat upright in bed.

"What do you mean?"

Edward leaned over to pull out a brown paper bag from his nightstand. One quick peek inside showed a vast array of condoms. "Courtesy of Emmett. My dad and Jasper also enthusiastically encouraged the use of condoms too. Apparently my family is big on safe sex." He ran a hand through his hair shaking his head.

"I guess you are the only one who isn't in a rush for us to do it," I added with sarcasm. "It's really a shame to waste these though. Maybe we can donate them to Planned Parenthood or something," I said, closing the bag before handing it back to him.

"What are you taking about?" Edward asked as he stood to slip his boxers and shorts on. God, he was hot. My eyes traveled the length of his naked body, tracing perfect muscular lines with my eyes and wishing it was my tongue.

"Huh? Oh um…the condoms. It's really a shame to waste them." I shrugged nonchalantly, getting off the bed.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Bella, why wouldn't we use them?"

"Cause…I'm on the pill. Didn't I tell you that?"

His face lit up. "What? Are you kidding me right now?"

"Nope." I laughed at his elated reaction. "I went on them after you suggested them as a cure for my cramps. It worked by the way."

He strode over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, the fly on his shorts not yet done. "I get to feel you? I mean, really feel you?" He was in awe. I nodded enthusiastically. "Shit…touching is one thing, but…skin to skin…_inside_ you…"

I laughed as he pressed his hips into me, proving that in order for Edward to get a raging hard on immediately after receiving a blow job, was the mere mention of birth control and lack of the need for a rubber barrier between us.

"Yeah, and I can really _feel you_ right now. We still have a few minutes till dinner," I teased. "You sure you want to wait until it's all _special_?"

He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, trailing his fingertips up the back of my thigh to cup one of my ass cheeks. "Mmmm, I think _special_ might just be overrated," he whispered breathily in my ear. I smacked at him playfully.

"Dinner is waiting," I reminded him. It was too late now. I wanted the special moment just as much as he did. Mostly. Sort of.

He hummed in response. "You're still hungry? I hear jizz is high in protein. You should be full for a while."

I groaned and rolled my eyes in repulsion, pulling my dress over my head. "Oh, you are so disgusting."

In conjunction with Edward's revoked sentence, apparently the silly, perverted sixteen year old boy that had always been kind of lying dormant inside Edward had been freed as well. It was going to be very interesting getting to know this new, uninhibited Edward. Very interesting indeed.

**~%~**

At the same time we made our way downstairs hand in hand, Carlisle was coming through the door clutching his suitcase looking travel worn and weary, but happy to be home. When Emmett and Rose came in shortly after, Rose stopped in front of Edward looking strangely apprehensive. But then she suddenly threw her arms around his waist, locking him in a tight embrace. He sort of looked around stunned and bewildered, but then he smiled, and slowly wrapped his arms around her back, returning the affectionate gesture. It was truly a sweet moment. Odd yes…but very sweet nonetheless.

She whispered something in his ear and then winked at me. Whatever she said made him laugh and blush, which had me intrigued. And, hey as long as she didn't grab his ass or try to cop a feel or something, I was more than happy to allow my best friend some physical time with my boyfriend.

Dinner was awesome. Esme made a huge deal out of it, getting balloons and streamers and a cake to enhance the celebration. E said he was actually surprised there weren't condom balloons tied to all of the chairs, which I thought would have actually been pretty funny. Carlisle had this sort of wistful expression on his face as he made a short speech about having faith or something to that effect. The spiritual reference was a little obscure to the rest of us, but I think it made sense to Edward, because he just nodded to his father and slid his hand over my knee. Then, after we cut the cake, Edward kind of swished his slice around with his fork, mashing it into neatly organized clumps.

"What's the matter?" I asked quietly, placing my hand on his. He smiled, bringing my hand up to kiss it.

With a shake of his head, he said, "Nothing. Nothing at all." He looked around at his family, who were nosily chattering about the prom. He cleared his throat grabbing the attention of the seven people at the table. "I uh…just…I just want to say thank you to everyone…for your support. I know I haven't been easy to deal with most of the time, and…thanks for putting up with me." He looked down with reddened cheeks, still squishing the cake under the prongs of his fork.

No one really said anything in response to his gratitude, but when Emmett got up to put his cake plate in the sink, he came over and ruffled Edward's hair, which cause Edward to elbow Emmett in the ribs. He planted a huge, sloppy kiss on Edward's cheek, before holding him in a headlock that Edward did not fight against. Brotherly love was so weird. I was actually kind of jealous.

Around eleven, Edward walked me home, for the first time while holding my hand. We swung them playfully between us as we walked, feeling light and free and really young. It was such a great moment for the two of us; this immense burden finally subsiding, allowing us to just _be_.

Charlie's truck was in the driveway and the living room light was on. I knew he'd be coming home for the weekend to see me before the prom and because Maggie was going to do all of the girls hair in the afternoon. I hadn't told anyone about what happened with Edward's hearing, or that he'd even had one. I had been too preoccupied with kissing him. Really, I didn't want to say it out loud to Edward, inevitably quashing his happy moment, but I was really fearful of Charlie having a shit fit about me going away for the weekend with Edward now that we could _do stuff._ Because it was pretty obvious that we wouldn't be spending three days just holding hands.

Once we got to my front porch, he gestured to the swing, where we both sat down.

"The night of our first date, I told you that I couldn't be with you until your eighteenth birthday. Do you remember that?"

I nodded, watching his hand caress my knee. "I asked you to kiss me here on the swing." I smirked, knowing exactly what he was doing. "I guess my birthday came early this year?"

He replied by leaning over and brushing his lips gently against mine. I caught his bottom lip in my teeth and sucked, while his tongue darted out and made its way into my mouth, the sweet taste of chocolate frosting still lingering on his tongue. I would never, ever get tired of the kissing. Edward's hand slid up my back, underneath the jacket I had been wearing, his thumb skimming the inside of the dress. And I would never, ever, ever get tired of the touching.

I moaned into his mouth, giggling when I felt him smile in the middle of our kiss. "I love kissing you," he said.

"Meeee toooooo," I replied lost in his lips.

We both gasped when the porch light went and the front door swiftly opened. I think out of instinct and habit, and probably a little fear of Charlie finding him with his tongue shoved in my mouth, Edward drew back putting at least two feet of space between our heated bodies. Maggie stood at the door with her hand over her heart.

"Oh shit, sorry guys. I _knew_ I heard someone out here. Your dad said I was hearing things." Edward waved with a polite greeting in which she returned. Maggie craned her body inside calling to my dad, "It's Bella and Edward. You suck ass as a detective!" She snickered at whatever snarky response my father gave.

Edward sighed as he relaxed and slid his hand across the space between us until it found mine. Maggie's eyes widened as they stayed focused on our clasped hands.

"What's going on?" She stepped out into the porch, closing the door softly behind her. We both sort of beamed as I told her that the girl who accused Edward came forward and that his sentence had been revoked. Maggie hugged Edward excitedly, and drew back covering her mouth.

"So you're actually going to get to dance together tomorrow then!"

Edward smiled and nodded shyly. "Yeah, I guess so," I replied, warily. I hadn't even thought about it to be honest, and I wasn't sure if Edward even danced.

"I'm guessing Charlie doesn't know about this yet," she stated flatly passing her finger back and forth between us. I shook my head no and told her that I hadn't had a chance to say anything to anyone. I knew why she was asking.

"Well, congrats Edward and…good luck…with Charlie." I gave her a pleading look, hoping that she would maybe try to persuade him to be kind about this. "Oh, no. You are all on your own with this, Sweetie. Sorry. This is for you guys to work out."

Edward gave me one last long sweet kiss before I went inside, completely dreading the talk with Charlie about the change in the situation. However, I had totally chickened out. I figured if maybe I didn't say anything at all, maybe Charlie wouldn't even notice. I was considering the option of convincing Edward to resume our previous non touching status, but I didn't think that was really fair to him after all he'd been through. And I really didn't want to lie to my father when it was unnecessary. I was after all, trying to keep his trust.

So as a last resort, I called my mom and told her everything in like ten minutes without so much as taking a breath. She was ecstatic for us both, and as liberal as she was, my mom thought that after nine months of chaste courting, that it was only natural for our relationship to progress to the next step, albeit one of a sexual nature.

So when she insisted on calling Charlie the next day about the situation, I didn't dare argue. In the morning, I showered as quickly as humanly possible, throwing my hair up in a damp, messy bun, before Alice and I sprinted through the heavy rain down to the boy's house. I conveniently managed to avoid Charlie altogether, not wanting to spoil my day or Edward's with whatever he had to say about the situation. I suppose it was easier to remain optimistic when the pessimist wasn't right in my face carrying a gun and a chastity belt.

All that aside, it was so unbelievably nice to finally be able to sit in the back seat of Em's Rover with Edward squished against me. Finally able to rub his knee and hold his hand, and kiss him as we took the drive into Port Angeles. We received a lot of complaints when we started making out and Edward's hand ended up under my t-shirt halfway there, but he told everyone to, 'Shut the fuck up and deal with it, because we had to spend the last nine months watching them maul each other and payback was a cruel, black hearted bitch.'

And right then, I kinda loved that cold black hearted bitch. She was just fuckawesome.

Half of Forks High School was at the nail salon. It was pretty frigging funny to watch the three boys walk through the crowded, predominantly female occupied salon toward the back for their prom pedicures. Jasper hung his head in shame, Emmett sneered and asked what the fuck everyone was looking at, but Edward…Edward just smiled holding his head high as he sat in one of the cushy vibrating chairs and stuck his feet in the warm, soapy bath. Nothing was going to bring him down. Besides, I thought he was having way too much fun in the vibrating chair.

After all six of our hands and feet were primped and pampered and shined up beyond recognition, the boys picked up our corsages at the florist while we went into Victoria's Secret. We only had a few minutes, so I found the first cute sheer nightie and a matching bra and panty set that I thought Edward would like and brought it to the register. While I was paying, Rose and Alice were at one of the perfume displays giggling it up. Rose discreetly held up what looked like a flask adorned with pink crystals, but it was really a perfume container. We bought three of them, with a promise from Rosalie that she would get a hold of the bottle of vodka in her parents stash and bring them with her tonight filled.

I had found in that few minutes apart, I was extremely anxious to get back to Edward, so much so that it was on the verge of discomfort. Once we were reunited, he told me basically that he felt the same way—the loss of my physical presence made him anxious and irritable.

How odd.

How lovely.

The whole afternoon experience was weird and wonderful at the same time. To be honest, aside from the physical addition…the kissing and occasional hand on my back or my knee; nothing had changed between us relationship-wise. We still laughed and flirted. We shared food and teased each other. Only now, it seemed more real, more authentic. There was this undeniable physical connection between us, that wasn't there before. Or maybe it was, but we could never act upon it freely, so it was yet to be developed. Edward and I _needed_ to be touching each other at all times. Almost like it was painful not to, sort of a blissful ache.

While we all ate lunch at the pizza place, I excused myself from the table to use the bathroom. On the way back out, I stopped, leaning against the wall to admire Edward. He was laughing hard; shoulders shaking, as he bowed his head at whatever had our whole table in stitches. Even though I was sorry that I missed out on the joke, my whole heart soared with glee at the sight of him so happy, behaving so uninhibited and "normal." And when I sat down next to him, he pulled me close, told me he missed me and kissed my temple reverently, as though he truly, honestly missed me for the whole three minutes that I was gone.

What was interesting was that Alice had told me recently that she was somewhat envious of Edward and me, because we didn't have sex getting in the way of the natural progression of our bond. It was only the important, meaningful things we were able to utilize because of the forbidden nature of our relationship. She said that Edward was constantly doing things for me to make up for the lack of physical connection, and that Jasper hardly ever did things like that for her...simple things just to show how much he cared. And even though Emmett adored Rose, I knew for a fact that he wasn't exactly giving in the romance department either.

At the time I agreed with her ideology, but I was not entirely amenable about doing so because I was jaded and resentful of our imposed limitations. I also thought she was just bullshitting me as her sweet way to make me feel less sour about the circumstances. But in hindsight, she was absolutely right. I realized that what Edward and I had was so much more because of the fact that we couldn't touch. We were able to establish a strong friendship first and foremost. And our love...the strength we drew from one another and the happiness we had found beside each other…maybe wouldn't have been as solid nor as genuine had we been able to have sex right away.

I had been so resigned this whole time thinking that it was such a curse, when in reality, the whole thing was actually a blessing in disguise. It reminded me of the saying, "When God closes one door, He opens a window." Maybe the window was actually our miracle all along.

**~%~**

"So uh…your mom called this morning while you were gone," Maggie said casually, as she unraveled the curling iron from my hair. I cringed, having repressed the whole thing in my Edward touching and kissing me induced state of euphoria. I hadn't heard from my mom to find out the conclusion of the conversation.

"Oh?" I hedged.

She smirked, trying to hold it back. "Oh, your dad is pretty pissed." I sighed, knowing that would likely have been the outcome. Edward had asked what was on my mind earlier, noticing I was in deep thought over something. When I expressed my concerns about Charlie's disapproval, Edward said if my father objected to our overnight weekend stay at the house, then we would just drive there together in the morning and spend the day with our friends, which was as good of an alternative as I could imagine.

"Yeah, I wasn't counting on him being too understanding," I shrugged, not hiding my disappointment. But I got to be with Edward and that's all I really cared about.

"Your mom is pretty special, Bella," she said. I just looked at her questioningly waiting for her to clarify the statement. "I don't know how the hell she did it, but you get to stay out allllllll weekend!"

I squealed and clapped, hugging her enthusiastically, not really realizing how much I did want to go after all. In the process, she still had the curling iron attached to me, and accidentally burned my earlobe. I hissed with the brief pain, but it wasn't that bad. I was focused on more important things.

I was just so excited with being able to sleep in the same bed as Edward without having to hide or feel anxious of getting caught. Being able to feel his arms around me and his warmth and his kisses, and getting to watch him dream beside me was all I could think about. And maybe, just maybe, it was the idea of having him touch me all over, in places that were aching to be touched, in the middle of the night, or at the first sign of dawn, with nothing between us…nothing to stop us…no one telling what we could or couldn't do.

"Just do me a favor and…try to be understanding, Bella." She smiled warmly, pressing a cool cloth to my ear. "Charlie feels like he's losing his little girl and this is really hard for him. And don't be surprised if he isn't exactly warm with Edward. He's not stupid. He knows there's going to be more than he can even fathom happening with you two now that Edward's restraining order is gone."

"Sure, I get it. Of course." I nodded, truly understanding his fears, because I knew damn well that if I had my way, it was only a matter of days until I was no longer his "little girl."

"But at least he can now acknowledge the fact that Edward isn't a rapist and that he is a great kid and a perfect gentleman. I wanted to have sex last night but Edward wants to wait until the time is just right. He has a lot more respect for me than anyone gives him credit for, you know?"

Maggie nodded as she fluffed around the back of my hair, tugging gently at a curl before she gathered up the spirals in her hand, piling them on top of my head. "Oh boy," she said with a tisking sound. In the reflection of my bedroom mirror, I could see that Maggie was shaking her head, holding back a smirk.

"That boy wastes no time I see. I guess we'll be leaving your hair down tonight."

She turned me so that I could see the purple mark on my neck, obviously not a curling iron burn. "Huh," I remarked flatly, standing to get a closer look. It was totally inappropriate, but I couldn't help but smile at the unintentional hickey Edward had left. It was sorta cool. At least I _thought_ it was unplanned, because I was pretty certain that he would have said something if he was aware of it. It didn't matter. It was kind of weird, but I was proud to wear his branding. Not that I would ever flaunt it, cause that would be tacky and low class, but it was only mine to see and only mine to know that it was there. And once I showed Edward what he'd done, it would be our little secret. I smiled again at the thought.

After Maggie finished with my hair and makeup, creating this flawlessly lovely girl that I didn't even recognize in the mirror, I called my mother to thank her. She got weepy, telling me to take a million pictures and to be careful and use my discretion, which was a tasteful alternative for the word _contraception_. My mom was all about fulfilling important rights of passage, but she was adamant about not becoming a grandmother at thirty-five years old.

While Alice and Rose were coiffed and painted to perfection, I packed my pink duffle bag full of clothes, carefully tucking my new sexy nightie at the bottom. Just in case.

Maggie was really a gifted artist. Rose, who never wore her hair up, had it twisted into an intricate loopy chignon that was fascinating to look at, and she made up her face in light, shimmery colors that offset the bright turquoise of her gown. Alice, who was keeping with the period style of her dress, styled her dark hair into pin curls that framed her face, while the length was tucked under to look like a bob from the twenties. With blood red lipstick and dark eyes, she looked like an old fashioned pinup girl.

When they had gone home to get dressed, I slipped on my shoes, and cuffed the rhinestone bracelet around my wrist, clasped Edward's Valentine heart necklace around my neck, and slid on my ring. Then finally, I stepped into my dress, smoothing out the burgundy taffeta fabric hugging my hips and waist. I twirled a little, letting the full skirt fly around my legs. I loved this dress; it made me feel really beautiful.

Taking a peek in the mirror, I smiled at the way the strapless top made my boobs look huge, which my father would certainly hate, but Edward would undoubtedly love. Maggie knocked then, poking her head in my door to ask if I needed assistance with the zipper.

She gasped and got teary eyed and said, "Edward isn't going to be able to keep his hands off of you tonight."

I smiled coyly. "That's' the idea."

She smirked and shook her head disapprovingly, but we both knew she was definitely on my side. I thought she was probably just as excited for me to lose the V-card as I was. Even though it was a total betrayal to my mother, I absolutely loved having Maggie in my life. She could never replace my mom, but she was the next best thing, pretty much acting as the big sister I never had. And who knew my twenty-nine year old almost step mother would be such a valuable ally in the war between Charlie's overprotective nature and my eager desire to lose my virginity?

After Maggie grabbed my duffle and my backpack stuffed with my iPod and all my toiletries, I followed her down the stairs to wait for Edward to pick me up…and to face my father. He was sitting on the couch watching a game, grumbling at the screen in ire. I cleared my throat, awkwardly waiting for him to turn around, and anxious as hell about it. I kind of arched my back inward in order to minimize my bustiness.

_Don't notice my boobs, don't notice my boobs._

My father's eyes went wide as saucers. _Ewww, he noticed._

"Oh wow, Bells, you look…so grown up. You're just…beautiful." He was trying to be mad at me but he simply couldn't. Maggie cleared her throat conspicuously. "Oh yeah," he added with an overstated eye roll. "And your hair looks amazing."

He stood, walking closer to me, pointing at the window. The setting sun was blazing through the curtains, leaving the room bathed in a golden glow. "So uh… you guys got a good night after all. The weather is supposed to be nice until Sunday." My father nodded, awkwardly trying to make conversation. He was so handsome. And he was so nervous…I couldn't recall him ever being this out of sorts before. Well, there was that one time that he tried to talk to me about my first period. _That was fun._

"I know. Whoever thought that having a prom on a boat in Washington was a good idea was obviously a big gambler," I said, ringing my hands.

My father cupped his fingers around his chin, scratching his stubble in contemplation and said, "So uh…your mom and I talked today. She seems to think that letting you go this weekend despite the _changes_ is a good thing. I have to tell you, I completely disagree with her, but…." He scrubbed a frustrated hand over his face. "She trusts you, and she says you trust him…and...I can't stop you from growing up, even though I really want to. I guess…Edward's a good kid. Make sure he takes care of you, Bella." He finished with a stern glance that clearly said, _I'm not fucking around here. If you come home with so much as a scratch he's gonna have hell to pay._

I reached out to hug him gingerly, to avoid wrinkling the front of my gown, but inevitably squishing my boobs in the motion. "I love you dad. Thank you for not giving me a hard time about this." He hugged me harder than he'd ever done before and I almost lost it then.

Charlie narrowed his eyes. "Just so you know, if you get pregnant…he's a dead man." _See? What did I say?_

As I pulled away from Charlie's embrace, I rolled my eyes and chuckled at my father's seriousness. Oh, and he was _dead _serious.

"Oooh, that is one good looking dead man," Maggie joked, right before she opened the door for Edward.

I gasped and covered my mouth as he stepped through the door. Amazing did not even come close to accurately describing him. The smile on my face mirrored Edward's and actually hurt, it was so wide because…well, _wow._ I had seen him in a suit when we went to Vegas, but this…him in a tux was just…UNG.

Edward strode toward me, completely disregarding Maggie or my dad, seemingly mesmerized. He placed his hand on my waist and kissed my forehead whispering, "You are stunning. God, you look more beautiful than I ever imagined…."

While sucked deeply in the mind numbing vortex of Edward touching me while in a tux, I fingered his lapel barely remembering that we weren't alone in the room. Edward was on the same distracted track that I was when he shook his head as if to clear his mind, and reached out his hand to Charlie and then said an apologetic hello to Maggie. I swore that Charlie grunted, but Maggie covered it up quickly with an over exaggerated cough.

Edward stepped back slightly, opening the plastic box with a click before slipping out the corsage adorned with burgundy ribbon and three tiny white orchids. Maggie snapped pictures while he slid it on my wrist, and then more, as I fumbled with pinning his matching orchid to his lapel. It was sort of surreal to be acting completely natural and not having to use carefully orchestrated movements to avoid bodily contact. Though, at that point, Edward and I could have done the exchange evading contact with our eyes closed while balancing on one foot.

"Oh shit!" I muttered with a hiss, after I jabbed the pin straight through my pointer finger.

_Okay, so maybe I had spoken too soon about pinning him blind._

Without even thinking, Edward took my hand in his to inspect the wound, bringing my finger to his mouth to suck the little bubble of blood that had formed. It was strangely erotic and the action made all my girlie parts vibrate. My father looked disgusted and muttered that he needed a beer swiftly leaving the room at the same time we both realized how overtly sexual it appeared. Edward dropped my hand like it was on fire, very thankful when Maggie brought me a Band-Aid.

It wasn't going to get more awkward than that.

After tons more pictures, some including my dad and I, we were ready to go on our merry way. Like a good, over protective, ex-police chief father, Charlie asked if I had my phone and money and pepper spray, and if not, would I be upset if he used it on Edward himself.

After I rolled my eyes and reassured my dad that I had everything I needed, and that no, under no circumstances was he to pepper spray my prom date, Edward and Charlie shook hands again. I smiled when I heard Charlie mutter to Edward a disgruntled, "Congratulations," as though that single word gave permission for Edward to defile me in the best ways. Which if I thought about it hard enough, it totally did!

I sort of expected him to threaten Edward or to show him the pistol hidden in his waistband as a not so subtle warning, but he didn't. Instead, when Edward had his back turned Charlie mimed his hands over his belly to represent a pregnancy, then sliced his finger across his neck mouthing, "Dead Man."

Edward took my bags, and I kissed Maggie and hugged my father again, before we headed out the door and down the street. I may have skipped.

After about a million pictures of all of us at the Cullen's, including ones with a bunch of the senior football team that were sharing Em's limo with him, we finally said our goodbyes. The infamous Porsche was sitting in the driveway, ready and waiting, all washed and shiny and ready to be defiled. Because if I had my way, there would be some sort of groping or rubbing happening in that vehicle at some point during the weekend.

Edward put our things in the trunk along with a neatly folded bed comforter and then opened the door for me, carefully helping me inside. I fluffed the flouncy skirt of my gown so that it wouldn't wrinkle and then with a wave to a very emotional Esme, and a stern but loving warning from Carlisle, we were finally off.

It was the closest I would ever get to being inside my very own fairytale…my knight in shining Armani in a white Porsche escorting me to the ball. All I needed were some chatty little mice and a glass slipper.

I honestly felt like a real live princess with a real live prince and I never wanted the feeling to end.

Once we got to the pier, the nervous excitement was so abundant that we could almost feel it thicken the air. Driving up in the Porsche earned awed stares and hushed whispers, but none of it fazed me. I was floating on air.

The boat the actual dance was being held on was this really cool old fashioned paddleboat that had a turning water wheel in the back. It was decorated with a bazillion white twinkle lights and balloons in the school colors. Normally it was used as a gambling casino, so the prom theme was Luck on the Sea. We were given engraved glass mugs filled to the brim with coins, that we later realized were actually foiled covered chocolate.

"Don't you think this is totally inappropriate for a high school prom theme? I mean, it's promoting underage gambling," I muttered.

"Aren't you on the prom committee?" Edward asked skeptically.

"Yeah, but no one listens to the juniors. I voted for the masquerade theme. Obviously not this ridiculousness…."

"Awww, then maybe next year we'll be here in masks," he said with a glimmer in his eye. I was willing to bet the he was hard again at the thought of me in a mask. And it kind of tickled me because he was thinking that far ahead without so much as blinking at the idea of us still together then.

Even though it was nearing twilight, the photographer took pictures of each couple outside on the deck of the boat, with the sunset in the background. Edward held me close while we smiled for the cameras, and as we made our way inside to find our friends, he walked beside me telling me how lucky he was. Only it was me that was the lucky one. Trust me, not a single girl in that room neglected to check him out. And for once, I was able to publicly stake a claim, by making out with him right in front of the Skank Squad, grab his ass while the cheerleaders outwardly ogled him and even coaxed him to grope my own ass in front of Ms. Miller, who I was willing to bet my boots on, had a cougar crush on my hot boy.

Once we were inside, he turned to me, brushing a stiff curl from my face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I replied with furrowed eyebrows.

"I don't know if being here was going to bring back bad memories or something," he explained, with a sad smile.

"Honestly, I hadn't even thought about it until you mentioned it. No," I smiled widely. "I am absolutely fine." Edward hugged me tightly and I felt like skipping and maybe even texting a picture of me and Edward to Bree, with something very unladylike in the caption.

The night went by in a blur of shimmery taffeta and satin, big hair and overdone makeup, discrete sips from pink sparkly flasks and a lovely buzz that followed, music and dancing, and kissing…lots and lots of kissing. I danced with the girls while the boys watched from the side, until they decided to just suck it up and join us. Even Edward, who continued to surprise me with the person he had kept hidden for so long behind a brooding and angry façade. He was having such a good time, despite the fact that he hadn't had a sip of alcohol due to the fact that he was driving.

We slow danced, and kissed, and then when the music sped up, he danced behind me, grinding his hips into my ass ever so suggestively. Of course, that was until Ms. Miller tisked disapprovingly and asked us to kindly curb our overt PDA. But then she winked apologetically before she whispered that it was great to see us together.

Great? Hell no, it was greater than great! And because I was getting wrecked on the vodka that was spiking my punch, everything was blurry and tingly and wonderful. And of course I was hornier than hell. However, this time I could act upon it, and just the idea of the freedom that I had was divine.

At one point, after we ate dinner at the buffet, Edward disappeared. After asking around, I found him on the outside deck, alone, holding onto the railing. His face was angled up toward the sky, his silhouette illuminated in blue by the partial moon.

I wasn't sure if I should approach him then, as he seemed lost in thought, so I stood behind him and watched until I couldn't tolerate the distance between us.

"The moon looks like a toenail clipping." I cringed a little at the grossness of the statement, but then said '_fuck it,'_ 'cause I was drunk.

"Hey you," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Whatcha doing out here?" I asked with slight slur, standing on my tiptoes to brush my lips against his. I stumbled forward a bit and Edward laughed, muttering that I was a lush. He took my drink from me and downed the rest of it, which wasn't much.

"I was just enjoying the quiet for a minute. It's a little overwhelming in there. The strobe lights and the stupid disco ball are giving me vertigo." I laughed and nodded in understanding. "Hey Bella?"

"Hmmm?" I asked, my voice vibrating against his skin as I nuzzled and kissed his neck. He hummed softly, his hands tightening around my hips, pressing me into him so that I was flush with his body.

"Hey…I uh…I wanted to tell you…well, I wanted to say that…shit." He huffed and sighed, obviously not able to organize whatever thoughts he was having—probably because he was impossibly hard, that and I was rubbing up against him while sucking on his neck.

I pulled away from him, cocking my head to the side while he gained his bearings. He looked forlorn.

"Hey wait, are you gonna get all emo on me right now? Cause if you are you have to save it for later. I'm waaaaaaay too happy for anything sad right now. Please?" I felt a twinge of guilt for quashing his thoughts, but I knew if he started getting all serious, then the night would take a sour note, and I needed to keep him on track. It was for his own good, as well as mine.

He chuckled, whispering, "Yeah, of course…sorry." He flashed this half smirk-half smile that made his teeth look like pearls in the moonlight. "Wanna dance with me, pretty girl?"

"I wanna do more than dance, handsome boy," I replied, running my tongue suggestively over my bottom lip. He threw his head back in resignation, laughing a little and then he stepped forward to pull me tightly to him once again. One hand caught my wrist, the other slid to the small of my back and then he slipped his knee between my legs, turning us in a waltz or some kind of elegant dance move. My girlie parts tingled with the proximity of his leg sandwiched there.

_Come on…just a little higher…._

"I didn't know you could dance like this!" I gasped. He dipped me backward, brushing his lips along mine, and then trailed his kisses down my extended neck to my cleavage. Upside down like that, the boat deck was spinning, but it was still fun. He whispered something decadent to me in French and at that moment, he took on the persona of a suave, sexy twenty-five year old man, not a silly, perverted, sixteen year old boy. I suppose his past had aged him considerably, but this was such a turn on. Even though he could have said, "Your breath smells like dog poo," it was sexy as hell, and I didn't care to know the translation.

"I went to a snooty private school. Ballroom dancing was mandatory," he said, swooping me back upright with another swift turn.

"You went to an all-boys school. Don't tell me you did the tango with a dude!" I cackled annoyingly in my drunken stupor.

He narrowed his eyes at me, backing me against the railing, his green eyes blazing as he licked his lips ever so seductively. "No, I did not dance with a dude. It was at the school before that one." Warm fingertips traced down the side of my cheek. "You are so…fucking…beautiful."

_Take me…take me now!_

The hand that was on his back slid slowly down to his ass, where I cupped his cheek in my palm and squeezed firm flesh. Hips met hips, with his hardness sandwiched between, desire smoldered in the air, in our skin, in our breath. The hollow of his throat pulsed with a thick swallow and an intake of air that made every inch of me tingle.

"I want to touch you inappropriately," he said breathlessly, dragging his hands up the sides of my dress, around the outer curve of my breasts. He dipped his thumb in the crest of where my cleavage was peeking out of the burgundy top.

"Please…." I begged, looking down to watch him snake his whole hand inside the bustier of my gown.

"No bra?" Edward looked genuinely intrigued. His hips pushed into mine again, his erection a prominent figure between, and he swept his fingers around my ass. I wanted to grab his peen in my hand and then drop to my knees to pleasure him. "Shit…no panties either?"

"Just a thong," I breathed. Edward groaned, palming my ass harder. My head lolled back as he bent to nip and suck the skin on my chest.

"God, I can't keep my hands off of you," he said, pulling away panting. His eyes were ablaze, and for a moment I wondered if it was even feasible for us to have sex in the Porsche, considering Edward's long legs and the size of the car.

We heard an announcement for all for the seniors to gather on the dance floor, because it was time to announce the king and queen. Edward didn't care at all, but I knew Emmett would if we missed it. Not that he was going to win. It was a well known fact that the Homecoming king or queen never got to win the Prom title too, out of fairness. We went inside anyway, but weren't surprised when the winners were announced and it wasn't Em who was given the honor.

Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie strode over to us giggling and completely shit faced. Honestly, practically everyone at the prom was drunk, even Angela, who I had seen puking in the ladies room earlier. Em clapped Edward on the shoulder nodding for him to follow them upstairs for a game of poker.

When the boys sat down at a table already occupied by Ben, Connor, Mike Newton and some senior dude that I didn't know, we stood behind to watch…and ogle. Because honestly, it was ridiculous how grown up, good looking and sexy the Cullen boys were in their tuxes. Emmett had his jacket off with the top buttons undone and his tie hanging loosely around his neck. Jasper's shirtsleeves were rolled up to his elbows as though he meant serious business and was determined to come home with a stack of chocolate coins. Only Edward was still in the same meticulous form that he had arrived in, obviously preferring style over comfort.

"God, he's so hot," Rose said, shifting her legs, and not hiding the fact that Emmett playing poker was turning her on.

"Oh, I know…look at them all, like hotter than movie stars," Alice added as the dealer shuffled the cards and dealt them out to the boys.

With a slur and wide eyes, Rose asked me, "Hey, are you guys gonna do it tonight?"

"Mmmm, sadly…no. Edward wants to wait until the moment is special," I said with a scowl and a miffed eye roll while air quoting the word "special."

Alice said, "Oh, that's sweet. He's sweet."

"Yeah, yeah, plllifffft." I stuck out my tongue.

Alice sighed, touching my forearm affectionately. "No seriously, that's really nice of him cause…he could like, just fuck you to get it over with and…that's all your remember about your first time."

Rose fluffed my long curls endearingly. "I totally agree. It should be nice. If I could have waited until I found Em, then I would have. My first time was in the back seat of a fucking Volvo." She shuddered.

A chorus of, "Ewwwww," erupted from all of us, as though losing one's virginity in the back of an old man car was the worst possible way to give it up.

Angela joined us then, adding, "I lost mine with Ben, and it was amazing. I'll always remember how romantic it was. It should be like that, Bella…sweet and romantic and…." She sighed, looking toward Ben with a wistful expression.

"Oh, whatever. I am so frigging horny and I just want to do it already!" I yelled a little too loudly in my inebriated state, throwing up my hands in exasperation. The boys at the table looked up at me in surprise, and Edward gave me a questioning glance before he covered his mouth in embarrassment. Bowing my head with a mortified blush, I hurriedly dragged the girls off to dance before I humiliated myself further. I wasn't going to win.

On the way down the narrow staircase, Angela lost her footing behind me, which caused me to smash down hard and subsequently slip down three steps. This also caused Rose to trip down three steps in a ripple effect. Alice was the only woman left standing intact, laughing her ass off at the three of us. I had been gripping the railing, but had I not been holding it so tightly, it would have been a nightmare. And had we not all been wrecked, it probably wouldn't have happened in the first place.

_Aww fuck it. It's prom._

In the process of the fall and slide, I had definitely bruised my tailbone or something in the general vicinity, as well as broken the heel of my shoe, which was a terrible disappointment, but not the end of the world. What was pretty horrifying, was that not three minutes later, I wiped out on a slippery spot of the dance floor, taking Alice down with me. We laughed hysterically, and in trying to right ourselves, we smashed our foreheads together really frigging hard. I thanked god that we were headed straight to the mountain house, because I knew between my burned ear, my poor throbbing pointy finger swathed in a Hello Kitty Bad-Aid, my bruised ass, and the giant knot on my forehead, my father was going to have an aneurism if Edward brought me home this worn and battered.

By the time the boys made it back downstairs from their game, the whole place was spinning. We were having such a ball dancing and being silly, and using the stupid props that the DJ was tossing out to the crowd, that we didn't even care that our raucous behavior was earning a lot of dirty looks from some of the senior girls who were too prissy to enjoy themselves.

Admittedly, I was a complete mess. A complete mess wearing a sailor hat, a neon necklace and a bright green plastic Hawaiian lei. I may have even been wielding maracas and a tambourine at one point. Alice and I had destroyed our dresses pretty much with the fall, and Rose looked like she had been fucked hard from behind. Angela had disappeared, probably to puke again. It was so, so great. And what was even better was Edward, dancing with me nose to nose, shaking a maraca in my ear and telling me how much he couldn't wait to get me naked.

_Right back at ya there handsome boy._

It wasn't long before the crowd on the boat began to thin out, as the night came to a close. The funny thing was that there were smears of brown all over everything…tablecloths, door handles, the walls. It honestly looked like poop. Edward was totally grossed out by the "unsanitaryness" of it, which I then insisted was not an actual word. It turned out that it was melted chocolate from the coins they had given us to gamble with. I was willing to bet that the company who owned the boat was never having a high school casino themed prom here again.

We all walked out to the valet together, or stumbled, rather. Thankfully, Jasper was responsible enough to have only had a few spiked drinks early in the evening, so he was okay to drive. The boys confirmed the directions to the mountain house, while we said good-bye to Rose and Emmett who were on their way to a hotel in Seattle and would be spending the after party with the seniors.

I was busy waving goodbye to Alice while Edward helped me into the Porsche. And because the seating was so low, coupled with the fact that I was loaded and totally not paying attention, I smacked my head on the doorframe. Hard.

Edward rubbed the fresh bump on my head. "Jesus, Bella. That's it; you are not drinking anymore for the rest of the night!" I gaped at him, still wearing the captain's hat I had put on his head earlier. I had learned that by rubbing up on Edward's crotch, I could distract him into doing silly things without him realizing it.

"Aye aye captain sir!" I saluted, turning up the volume on Edward's iPod. He tried to take the hat off, but I stopped him. "No, leave it on. You look like a sexy beast." He scowled, and turned onto the highway, hat still intact on his gorgeous head.

"Here, do you think you can read this for me?" He handed me the paper with the directions to the house written on it. It was nothing but an indecipherable bouncing blur of black on white.

"Uh…negative sir. Co-pilot is currently incapacitated."

He glared at me. "Why are you talking like that?"

"Cause you're the captain." I patted the brim of his hat. "Duh."

"Well stop calling me sir. It makes me feel like one of those S&M freaks with the whips and shit."

"I think they prefer to be called Master. Can I call you Master? I'll get down on me knees and be your slave. You can whip me and cuff me…" I gave him a suggestive lip lick. "How bout Big Daddy? I can call you Big Daddy and you can spank me when I've been a bad, bad girl."

He rolled his eyes at me and replied, "When the hell did you get so kinky? Fuck, the image of that is so fucking…" He shook his head and focused on the road. "Where do we turn?"

"Left."

"Left where?"

"I dunno," I said, slumping in my seat. "I bet there's a left somewhere. Ooh! McDonalds! Ooooh Happy Meals!"

Edward huffed, as he snatched the paper from me. "You are never drinking again. Do you want me to stop for food?"

"Um, no thank you. Oooh Taco Bell! Yo quiero Taco Bell. Aye aye papi!"

"Wow, I never noticed what an irritating drunk you are," he said flatly, though he was smirking.

"I'm only annoying you 'cause you aren't drunk. If you were drunker, then I would be fun," I pointed out. It was true because he shrugged and nodded in admittance. "Hey, when did they put an Arby's here?" Edward shrugged again, sort of ignoring me as he tried to read the directions, with zero assistance or cooperation from moi.

I cocked my head to the side in thought. "Hey, what's a pirate's favorite restaurant?" I asked.

Edward was squinting in the dim light of the overhead lamp trying to read the paper. "What? Uh, I don't know. I think we missed the turn. Oh wait, no, it's there, up ahead."

"ARRRRRby's," I answered, in my best pirate voice, totally disregarding the fact that he had no interest in knowing the answer.

"You have brain damage." He turned on the highway, and picked up major speed. How sexy was he in this ride?

"What is a pirate's favorite board game?" I asked smiling at him like an idiot. He just shook his head.

"MonARRRRpoly!"

"Oh, dear God. Please stop," he muttered.

I could not stop. "Where does a pirate go to sign up for his college courses in scallywaggery?"

"Uh, you've got me on that one," he answered with a shrug while crinkling his nose. He seemed like he was making a genuine attempt at thinking of the answer.

"The registraRRRRRRRRGH!" I yelled with utmost enthusiasm. He sputtered and threw his head back as he laughed finally at my pirate joke. I was pleased as punch, clapping with glee.

"One more, kay?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "If you must."

"What's a pirate's favorite letter?"

His face brightened up and he bounced in his seat a little. "Oh, oh…I know this! It's…it's…it's…ARRRRRRR!"

The moment he looked at me for recognition, with his face bright and wide with the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, I fell in love a million times over. "Awwww, E…I love you so much."

Edward chuckled, brushing his knuckles along my cheek with such affection it made my heart ache. "I love _you_. But if you really love me, then you'll stop with the pirate jokes."

"Okay. Hey, you want a post prom blowjob?"

Edward's eyes widened and his mouth turned to a smirk. "Yeah, okay. If you want…."

_I want._

Unbuckling my seatbelt, I sat up on my knees and started molesting him. "Jesus, I'm so fucking hard right now." He inhaled and gave me a smile and those gorgeous bedroom eyes that I swore he used mascara on, because it was completely not normal for a boy to have such gorgeous lashes. Trying to be coy and sexy, I reached underneath my dress and pulled off my thong, but instead of being hot it was a mess of a move because Porches were really fucking small.

And to be fair, it wasn't my idea…Rose told me to do it. She said if I did kinky shit then Edward would cave.

"What the hell are you doing?" he screeched. I waved the slightly damp burgundy panties in front of his face then hung them proudly from the rearview mirror. I swore I saw him take a sniff.

I began to undo his pants and when I got the zipper open, I pulled him out and held him in my hand like a baby bunny. "So cute."

He clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth in ire. "Excuse me, but my dick is not fucking cute. It's huge and…stellar."

I rolled my eyes at his arrogance. "Yes, _stellar_. That's the exact word I was looking for." I stroked him a little, feeling him harden even more under my touch.

"I think he needs a name," I said with an affirmative nod. Gaining inspiration from Edward's dapper hat, I added, "I shall call you El Capitaaaaaan!" Leaning down, I licked the wet head, enjoying the saltiness before letting his length slide down my throat like a pro.

"You are so goddamn weird," Edward muttered, as he pulled his hand out from under my ribcage to place it back onto the gearshift. It was probably the most uncomfortable I had ever been in my life and I made a mental note to contact Porsche informing them that their little car was not conducive to comfortable blowjob giving. "But, damn, you give good head." I smiled, ignoring the way the center console was piercing my spleen.

_Yeah, that's right._

Edward moaned, running his hand through my hair. His fingers caught in the overly sprayed locks, snagging and pulling. I let out a yelp as he untangled himself, but continued to suck him off, feeling fortunate for him that I didn't chomp down when he pulled my hair unexpectedly.

"Oh, fuck…Bella, you…God, you are so good at this," he cooed sweetly. I felt the car swerve a little and then Edward muttered, "Shit."

I hummed in response which caused vibrations on his peen, and Edward hissed, letting out a guttural moan. "Fuck!"

"Mmmm," I replied still sucking.

_I am goooooood._

"No, fuck!" he yelled, gently pushing me back in my seat as he tried to stick his giant chubby back inside his pants. "There's a fucking cop pulling us over!"

I sat upright, turning the music down. Sure enough, the intense glare of a police car's multicolored lights were flashing behind us and the faint sound of a siren grew louder as the car approached. Edward ripped my dangling underwear off the mirror, tossing them on my lap and ordered me, in his nervous frenzy to put them on. I tried to get them back on, but I smacked my head on the dash board and couldn't find the leg holes because there was so much of my gown in the way.

As Edward pulled over to the side of the road in a panic, he shoved the underwear inside the glove compartment and told me to pretend I was sleeping.

Our perfect night was about to get a wee bit more interesting.

**~%~**


	39. Chapter 39 Everything I Want

**As always, Kisses to Erika for proofing this monstrosity and to Suzy for your additions. **

**Also thank you to Edwardsfavoritebrunette for the French and Nickkaayy95 for the song rec.**

**And thank you to everyone who is still reading. **

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 39~ Everything I Want**

**Fallin' asleep  
To the sound of stars  
Shooting 'round the moon  
But I can't watch them fly tonight, baby  
I'm too busy watchin' you.  
And there's nothing under these bright stars  
That could bring this night to ruin  
So hold on tightly to me baby  
Because tonight's gonna end too soon  
I'm holding so tightly, baby  
I won't let you go.**

**Matt Wertz ~ Sweetness In Starlight**

**~Edward~**

I suppose no matter how life changes for the better, old habits die hard.

Irrational fears of persecution and intentional malice were an intrinsic part of me, ingrained in my psyche as a result of what I had endured over the last twenty two months. And when a cop attempted to pull me over for speeding (so I had hoped was the reason), with my panti-less, drunk, underage girlfriend giving me road head, I panicked.

"Just fucking pretend you're sleeping or something!" I screeched at her, hastily shoving her little thong into the glove box. I honestly didn't know what to do, but at that point, I was desperate. She said if she closed her eyes she would puke, which was obviously unacceptable.

I probably wouldn't have even thought twice about her incredibly annoying, yet adorably endearing behavior, had I been drinking too. So, I suppose it was a good thing that I was driving. Besides the fact, that I had a really good time without alcohol or weed to enhance or alter the experience. That was kind of a pleasant surprise, to not really need anything illicit to in order to have a good time, or as a way to forget what my limitations were. I mean, anything mind altering other than Bella, because I swear I was high on the surge of hormones and the simple power of touch…and that was all I needed.

However, if we made it away from this cop intact, the second I walked into that mountain house, I was getting fucking loaded.

She still had that stupid sailor hat on and I swore she had at the very least a mild concussion, because she had hit her head multiple times that night and she was behaving like a lunatic. I felt really badly for not being there to protect her or to prevent her falls, as well as for letting her drink so much. I mean, not that I had any intention of being some kind of protective father figure for her now, I just didn't have a clue as to exactly how much she was taking from that sparkly flask of hers because I was sort of floating in another universe.

The whole night in general was kind of overwhelming to me. It was a lot to take in, a lot to adjust to. Between not being able to keep my eyes off Bella and her boobs looking stunning in her gown, and the fact that I was now free to move about the crowded rooms without carefully constructed maneuvering, it was a remarkably emotional experience. Though initially it felt awkward and weird to take advantage of it, instead of just throwing myself into functioning society with reckless abandon, I kind of had to ease my way back in.

Because, for the first time in almost two years, I was able to stand in line at the buffet without having to worry who was going to suddenly cut in front of me for the roll they had forgotten and who was going to get shoved into me on the dance floor that I could now actually be moving _on_, instead of hanging back against the wall watching in envy. And…I was able to dance with my girl. That was probably the best part of the night, dancing with her under the toenail clipping of a moon while I held her close to me and whispered corny shit to her in French. Four fucking years of French and that was the first time I had ever used it outside of the classroom.

It had made her knees weak and she had no idea what I had even said to her.

And let me just state for the record, I was no fucking saint. This whole waiting for the special moment thing was fucking killing me. I mean as gallant as it appeared, particularly to my parents when I finally told them to mind their own business about the subject of me and Bella having sex because we were waiting, it wasn't about chivalry or preserving Bella's virtue or any of that. Because we had been together for nine months give or take a few for the breakup, and done pretty much everything sexually that we could legally get away with.

We were ready. There was no fucking questioning that. My restraint was based simply on the idea that no matter how much I loved and wanted Bella, my memories of my first time would always be tainted with alcohol, Tanya, and the mere fact that I fucked her just to get it over with. Not because I was in love, not because I wanted to feel connected to her on a more meaningful level; just because I was fourteen and curious and fucking horny.

And apart from ever entering that bedroom the night everything had happened with Charlotte, having sex with Tanya for the hell of it was my biggest regret. Actually, no…doing coke with Tanya in my bedroom was my biggest regret but losing my virginity to her was a close second. Aww hell, anything associated with that girl was just bad.

What I wanted with Bella was so much more than just to fuck her and call it a day. I wanted to make certain she had memories that would make her smile until she was old and gray, even if at that point I was no longer in her life for whatever reason. And I knew it was cheesy, but I had the notion that our first time should be incredibly romantic with roses and candles and a roaring fireplace or some shit. I mean, that was what I had planned, what I had seen in my head, because it was supposed to be how things went. I didn't want to take her virginity in the backseat of a car or in some stranger's bed simply because it was empty and available.

I had fucked up with Bella in the past so many times, for so many stupid reasons. And I was determined that _this_ situation…this choice, that I had complete control of…would be carried out the right way, carefully orchestrated, leaving neither of us with regrets.

Because this, I _had_ to make right. I could not, _would_ _not, _fail her on this.

But the underlying factor here was that it wasn't going to be nearly as good her first time as it would be for me, simply for biological and experience related reasons. It was immensely important for me to give her this perfect and ideal manifestation of an evening that she would remember forever in a positive light.

My insistence on wanting to wait for the right opportunity was definitely an act of penance for the shit I had put her through while I couldn't touch her. The thing was she was insulted by it. If she had her way, she would have mounted my dick on her running lunge at me in the high school parking lot after I'd arrived home from the hearing. She really had no concept of how important this was, for her _and_ for me. It might have been selfish, but I needed this for me as much as I wanted her to have it. I needed the new memories with Bella, the girl I loved, to wash away what I experienced my first time with Tanya, the girl that I wanted to forget was ever in my life in the first place.

But I knew I wouldn't be able to hold out too much longer. Bella was suddenly the horniest girl in Forks and trying everything in her power to get me to cave, as if it was even a difficult task to do so. I wanted this so fucking much I could practically feel myself inside her, taste her skin on my lips, feel my hands cupping her perfect breasts as I sunk inside her, taking all she could give, and giving her all that I had, all that I was.

Needless to say, it took a hell of a lot more restraint to not touch her when I was allowed to, than when I wasn't and I was beginning to feel the pressure, literally…everywhere. And I also knew that once we broke the proverbial seal, the floodgates would open full force and there would be no way in hell that I could stop myself from having sex with her all the time._ All_ the time. Like bunnies. But better.

"Why are you freaking out, E? We didn't do anything wrong!" She was turned in the seat in such a way that her boobs were dangerously close to falling out. They were fucking huge tonight and I was really looking forward to playing with them at some point. And of course, now my dick was so hard I swore it was going to get stuck like that and crack off without ever having felt the inside of my girl's sweet pussy. At that point, it was actually pushing against the zipper of my pants and I was thankful that I still had on the tux jacket to disguise it behind.

"I swear to God, if my dad had us followed, I am totally breaking all his fishing poles in half and burying them in the backyard."

"We were doing eighty five in a fifty five mile per hour zone," I muttered, taking a deep breath trying to calm myself. I signaled and pulled to the side of the road cutting the engine. After a few long ass minutes, I took a peek in the rearview mirror. The officer was just getting out of his car to approach mine. I idly wondered why they always seemed to walk in slow motion when they get out of the car. All the sudden they became like, Clint Eastwood or John Wayne or some shit.

"Baby, just don't _say_ anything okay? Let me talk…because we don't want him to know you're drunk, okay?" I felt like I was talking to a two year old. A really fucking beautiful two year old with a giant knot on her forehead and fuckawesome set of tits.

"Kay," she said quietly, sitting back against the seat. "Hey, look at these flowers. Don't they look like little tiny vaginas?" She pointed to each of the three orchids in her corsage and said, "It's a like a lesbian threesome. Pussy, pussy, pussy." And then she poked the one on my lapel adding a final, "Pussy!"

I chuckled and scrubbed a hand over my face, muttering, "Oh my God, shhhhhh." But I had to admit, when I picked up the flowers that morning, the first thing that struck me was that they did indeed look like little vaginas. I just thought I was stuck in some perverse hallucination because of my sudden testosterone influx, with being able to touch Bella and the notion of eventual sex looming on the horizon. It was oddly comforting to know that I was not the only pervert in the relationship.

I let down my window as the officer approached. "License and registration, please." He was a young guy, no older than maybe twenty one, if that much. Maybe he would feel sympathetic or something. Yeah like that was going to happen with my luck. It was probably his first official night on the job and he was going to remember me always as his "first one." Why the fuck was I suddenly surrounded by overzealous virgins?

"Yes sir," I replied respectfully, pulling my wallet out to grab my license.

From her seat, Bella whispered, "RegistrAAARRRRRR…tion."

I hissed, "Shhhh!" and then froze when I realized that Bella's underwear were in the glove box with the registration papers. With careful maneuvering, thanks to my freakishly long but skilled fingers, I managed to retrieve the paperwork out without incident.

He flashed his stupid fucking light at us and stated the obvious. "You guys coming from the prom or something?"

I nodded politely while Bella whispered, "Duh." Even though I was thinking the same fucking sentiment, I managed to keep the snarkasm limited to my inner musings. However, I was two seconds away from gagging her with her own thong. She'd probably find that to be a turn on though. Then again, so would I.

"And where are you headed to tonight…Captain?" The officer tried to suppress a smirk.

I shut my eyes in embarrassment, as I quickly pulled off the hat that was on my head, tossing it into Bella's lap. "My friend's parent's cabin. It's off of Beavercreek Drive, I think?"

Bella snickered, "Beaver."

Completely disregarding Bella's inappropriate ramblings, he nodded, as though he knew the area. "Who is Carlisle Cullen?" he asked with furrowed brows, inspecting the paperwork in his hand.

"My father."

"Docta C," Bella muttered in her best gangster voice. So help me God, I was going to kill her. Which, seriously would be a tragedy, because after everything that we had gone through, to not even get to feel what it was like inside her would be unbelievably devastating not to mention horribly tragic.

I think I would like that Robert Patsington dude or whatever the fuck his name was, to play me in the Lifetime movie of the week. Though they would definitely need to tame that kid's hair. Oh, and maybe wash it.

The officer quirked an eyebrow at Bella, but continued, "Does he know you are driving his vehicle this evening?"

I exhaled, "Yes sir, I have his permission. Um…could you possibly tell me why you pulled us over?"

"Well, you were doing eighty in a fifty five for starters."

"Eighty five." Of course, Bella had to correct him. I glared at her with scorn. She mumbled, "Sorry," looking down in shame last lasted all of two fucking seconds. God, she was cute. Inches away from being strangled, but cute nonetheless.

"And it's not too often we see this kind of car in this area so when you swerved into the yellow divider line, I thought I should check the situation out," he informed me with condescendence. "Oh, and uh…it seemed as though there was no passenger earlier, and now suddenly…there are _two people_ occupying the vehicle." He gave me a pointed look as though I should feel the slightest bit guilty for getting a blowjob while in a moving vehicle.

_I didn't._

"Oh, she lost her earring and was trying to get it before it got crushed under my foot," I said quickly, hoping he would buy it. "I must have swerved when she leaned…over."

"Earring…yeah," he said casually, not believing a goddamn word. He shined his flashlight, scanning it over Bella. "Guess you found it. Have you been drinking tonight?" The question was directed back at me.

"No sir, absolutely not," I replied, thanking God that I didn't have anything more than that meager sip from Bella's cup, which was mostly backwash. Come to think about it, it was pretty fucking gross but at this point I suppose it was preparation at swallowing _other _of her bodily fluids.

And with that thought I was hard again…in front of a man with a gun, who possible knew by girlfriend's father, who also had a gun...bigger than the dude's in front of me...

"And you, Miss?"

_Don't tell him, don't tell him…._

She pinched her thumb and forefinger together, squinting one eye and said, "Just a teeny weeny tiny little bitty bit."

_Excellent. Liquor is apparently equivalent to truth serum for Bella._

He just sighed exaggeratedly, tisking and shaking his head, as though not too long ago he was the most perfect law abiding teenager in the history of the fucking world. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was teetering on the verge of a panic attack. It would have been my shit luck to have been released from a restraining order, only to land in jail two days later. Though, I didn't do anything wrong to cause me to be locked up, so it wasn't like he could arrest me for no reason. However, if Bella didn't keep her mouth shut, there could be serious problems.

What I was more worried about was this getting back to Charlie and having all my trust and privileges regarding her revoked because he had left his daughter in my care and I allowed her get battered and shitfaced while driving way over the speed limit as she gave me a blowjob in a fucking Porsche. And also, the fact that my father had so graciously allowed me take said prized possession was a true testament to his trust in me…which I could squash into nothing by bringing home a speeding ticket. Or a moving violation ticket. Was there even a law against sexual activities in a moving vehicle? I'd have to Google that.

Regardless, I had been trying so hard to make them proud of me after all of the disappointments I'd provided them with and this would just make all my efforts go right in the shitter.

Bella leaned over practically sprawling herself in my lap to address the cop, giving him an eyeful. For one small, very shameful fraction of a second, I thought it might be a good thing for the cop to get a peek at her goods, so that maybe it would distract him from giving us a ticket. She was a ridiculous mess, but she was still so fucking beautiful, and God, her tits looked so fucking amazing, they were like two lovely snow globes of pure, unadulterated magnificence!

Holy shit. I was two seconds away from pimping out my girlfriend's tits. I'd have to look that up on Google too…I was pretty sure that was all sorts of illegal.

I regained my bearings and quickly covered her up protectively with my tux jacket before he could actually see either of Bella's magnificence.

"Hey, wanna hear a joke?" she beamed.

"Baby, no more jokes," I chastised, taking her shoulders in my hands and gently moving her back into her seat. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there intact.

Relentless fucking drunkard that she was, Bella came right back over and yelled at the cop, "What's a pirate's favorite instrument?" Before he could even respond, she grinned and yelled, "A guitAAAARRRRRRRRRR!"

_Oh my fucking God, why?_

Though the cop laughed a little, I banged my forehead against the steering wheel several times in resignation_. _And of course, Bella took the opportunity to put the stupid fucking captain's hat back on my head. I rolled down her window and tossed the damn thing out onto the side of the road, cringing as it flew out with the realization that he could easily issue me a citation for littering.

"Hey!" Bella leaned over my lap yet again and pointed accusingly at the officer. "I know you! Your name's Embry, right?" She was fucking yelling at the top of her lungs at this cop.

"Baby, stop yelling at the nice officer," I said through gritted teeth, smoothing her hair away from her face. Bella's eye makeup was shot, smeared all around her pretty brown eyes.

"Do I know you?" he asked with a curious squint, leaning down into the window to get a better view of her. She snapped on the overhead light for him. The bump on her center of her forehead had now turned into a prominent, purplish red bruise. She looked like she'd been ravaged and not in a good way.

"It's Bella Swan! My dad's Charlie…Charlie Swan!" she beamed excitedly. I tensed in my seat, dread coursing through me as I realized this was a definitely not good thing that he knew her father. He was so finding out about this and we were so fucking fucked.

"Holy crap! How've you been Little Bells?" he chuckled, shaking his head as he crouched to lean his arms on the door, completely leaving his formal cop persona behind.

"I am faaaaantastic! You?" Her face was all hooded lids and drunken smiles as she grabbed my hand and squeezed. As much as I wanted to toss her out into the grass, I still loved the fuck out of her. I smiled and squeezed back thinking it was the last time I would ever see her again because Charlie was going to lock her in her room till she was thirty five and bury me alive under the tree by her window so that she would have to look at my shallow grave every day. He had a lot of fucking shovels in his garage…it wasn't that far fetched.

"I'm good, I'm good. Wow, I can't believe what a beautiful woman you've grown into!" His eyes widened sort of unintentionally scanning her body. I narrowed my eyes at him for the subtly suggestive comment. If he weren't a cop, I would have growled at him and punched him in his fucking face for eye fucking my girlfriend's magnificent tits.

"Pffft…_woman_? Yeah, I wouldn't go that far, no thanks to this guy," she said dryly, pointing her thumb at me with a scowl. My face burned even hotter than it already had been. Thank God he didn't seem to get the virginity reference. "Oh, this is my boyfriend, Edward!" she said, her smile beaming brighter than the sun.

"We've met," we both said at the same time sort of chuckling awkwardly afterward.

I held out my hand politely, adding "Nice to meet you, man."

_Don't tell her dad on me, kay?_

He muttered, "Likewise."

As I sat and watched, they exchanged pleasantries and caught up on the last five years or so since they had last seen each other. Apparently, Officer Call's father and Charlie were partners at one point. Police picnics and Christmas parties were all the riot back in the day when Officer Swan was still an active member of the Forks police department. And…awwww, how fucking cute…Officer Embry and Little Bella used to play together. Another form of proof that Forks was the smallest goddamn town in America.

"Hey, do you still hang out with Jake?" she asked.

"Um, no. Jake and I have…different lifestyle choices, so yeah…we don't hang any more."

Bella gasped. "You're gay? I wouldn't have guessed."

"No," he chuckled. "I'm not gay. Actually I'm getting married in the fall…to a real live girl. Uh…Jake's moral fiber is woven a little different from mine, that's all. We have differing opinions on the law and whatnot…." His police radio chirped with a voice that gave out some code sounding quite urgent. He responded into the radio thing, "Copy that." Then he turned his attention back to us. "I'm gonna let you guys get to where you need to go."

I relaxed minutely in my seat, praying that call was urgent enough for him to not have time to write out a ticket.

Officer Call handed me back my stuff and he said quietly, "Listen. I'm obviously not going to issue a ticket, because well, it's your prom and it would totally suck to have to go home to dad with a ticket. But I'll be honest. I think that waking up to _her_ tomorrow morning will be enough of a punishment for the both of you. She's gonna have one hell of a hangover, and you're gonna have to deal with her," he laughed, shaking his head. "I feel bad for you, Buddy." Bella just rolled her eyes.

"Hey Embry…please don't tell my dad, okay? He can be such a hardass and I don't want to get grounded again."

He winked. "You got it, kiddo. Drive carefully…and," he shifted his focus back to me, "don't let her have anything else to drink. Great seeing you again, Bella!" He gave a wave and a nod, turning to jog back to the cruiser. Bella jumped out of my car, grabbed the discarded hat in the bushes and got back in with a smug grin.

After silently thanking God, and a quick shift of the pathetic flaccidness in my pants, I got back onto the highway, making sure that I signaled out and drove the speed limit for the remainder of the drive. By then my hard on had completely diminished, the blissful thought of releasing into my girl's mouth long gone.

She'd asked me if I was mad, and I assured her that I wasn't. I also apologized for being so harsh with her, but she had to realize that just because she was a cop's kid, didn't mean she was above the law, or that she could be disrespectful to a uniformed officer. Bella held my hand, placing kisses on my fingers helping to get my anxiety level back down to a somewhat normal level. Clearly, I didn't do well under pressure.

We stopped at a convenience store for water and a large cup of decaf coffee for Bella, grabbing some snacks and Tylenol while we were in there, just in case there was no food at the house. I knew that Bella would be starving in the morning and I didn't want her whole day to be ruined with the horrible hangover that was inevitable. The rest of the ride up to the house was basically Bella dancing in her seat to annoying techno music and me silently praying simultaneously that at least one boob would pop out of her dress and that she didn't throw up on the dashboard of my father's car.

Occasionally, I would take a glance at her and laugh. She was having a grand old time in her own little world, and part of me really wished my state of awareness was on par with hers. There was just something about this girl that made me feel this inexplicable draw to her…like I couldn't be away from her for too long or it would be emotionally and physically painful. It had always been like that to a certain degree, but now the feeling had been enhanced tenfold, probably because we were making up for lost time, or missed opportunities rather. I wanted her…needed her like fucking air and antibacterial hand sanitizer.

The private road down to the house was long, winding, and paved with nothing but dirt. Not exactly the best option for a car that only sits three inches off the ground. Through the dense forest surrounding the property, we could see the house lit up and hear the pumping bass of music, and loud voices intermixed with squeals and laughter. I pulled into a spot next to Jasper's haphazardly parked car, realizing that there were a hell of a lot more people there than the six couples that were invited.

Grabbing our bags from the trunk, Bella and I headed inside. I froze in the doorway when the rank smell hit me like a ton of musty bricks. Visions of the Boy Scout camping trip from Hell attacked my mind, bringing back memories that the part of my brain which housed my OCD tendencies and proclivity for cleanliness had sufficiently repressed. It was like a jock strap, an old shoe, and a towel that had been sitting wet in the washing machine for a week.

Aside from that, the place was really big, and roomy, with high ceilings festooned with thick wooden beams running down the length and an old sooty brick fireplace in the center of the great room. But everything in it was run down and dated, looking as though the house was furnished with random yard sale finds and decade's worth of the Crowley's old, discarded furniture.

"Wow…this place is a dump," I whispered into Bella's hair, as I nodded with a cheerful smile to Tyler and Conner, who were already pretty wasted.

"We can go get a room at the Four Seasons, you snob. But if we go to a hotel…you're gonna have to give me what I want." She swatted my ass playfully batting her eyelashes.

_Relentless._

_Suddenly the swap of sex for cleanliness didn't seem so bad... Maybe I should just forgo all those stupid career tests they give at school because obviously I'm destined to be a pimp._

As persistent as she was regarding the idea of us finally having sex, I knew she was only fucking with me and she too wanted to wait until the time was perfect. However, as much as it was important for me to hold my ground and wait for just the right time, driving another hour and forty minutes to Seattle sounded like a great fucking idea at the moment. I might have to stick my head out the window like a dog to get rid of the stench now permanently affixed to my nostrils.

After greetings from the crowd, and multiple hugs from Jazz and Alice, Tyler escorted us to our room up on the second floor. It was again, run down and out-of-date; the queen sized bed looking like it would crash to the floor with any motion that required more than breathing. The upside was that we had our own private bathroom and it was surprisingly clean. The downside was that we had to hold the toilet handle down to flush and there was absolutely no water pressure in the shower. Oh, and there was a giant window on the wall of the tub with no blinds or curtain, essentially giving the entire forest a show while I scrubbed my nutties.

_I wonder if the squirrels will want a piece too?_

One look at my sweet girl and I decided that I would survive the ill décor and the foul stink of a closed up cabin and just endure the weekend. I had what was really important standing right next to me, and if it meant spending the night in a fucking replica of the Bates Motel but still being able to embrace her while she slept, then I would happily sacrifice the comforts of home for her. Besides, I had been really happy the whole night up until we had gotten pulled over, and that kind of soured my giddy mood. I was tying to get back there.

As soon as Tyler went on his way, I whipped out the clean sheets and pillowcases from my overstuffed duffle and made Bella help me change the bedding. Still in her wrecked dress, Bella flopped onto the comforter and sprawled out; giving me bedroom eyes that made my cock ache. She rolled on her side, reaching down as she rifled through her bag. With a Cheshire grin, she pulled something out of her pink duffle, concealing it in her hand. I had the distinct feeling it was a condom or ten. I narrowed my eyes at her, as she scooted back on the bed farther away from me.

Removing my suit jacket and hanging it over a chair, I asked, "Whatcha hiding there, baby?" I untied my bow tie, leaving it hanging loosely around my neck before moving closer to the bed, and kneeling on the edge. She scooted back further, until she was leaning back against the headboard.

"Nothing," she replied coyly, biting her lip. I wanted to taste her mouth. And her fucking magnificent nipples.

"Yeah?" I crawled to her, sidling up next to her legs, smirking to myself that I could do this without a second fucking thought. I hoped Judge Aro's dick twitched every time I touched my girl. "Lemme see."

"No!" she giggled, playfully kicking at me.

"Let me see!" I demanded with a chuckle, trying unsuccessfully to grab her flailing hand. "You are such a fucking tease." As I said the words, my cock grew rigid. I knew if I played dirty, I could get her to reveal whatever it was in her hand, not that I even cared all that much, but the chase was a hell of a lot of fun. And she had sobered up considerably, so she was looking a little tired. I gripped my hands on her waist and roughly pulled her down so that I could climb on top of her and place my hands on either side of her head. She squealed and tried to wriggle out of my clutch, but I held onto her wrist and reached for the hand that was extended, concealing her hidden treasure.

With a swipe of my tongue over my mouth I said, "Show me." I dipped down and caught her bottom lip in my teeth, gently sucking…feeling the kiss throughout my entire body. God, the shit she did to me without even trying.

Bella's eyes lit up, widening and then narrowing. She smirked and batted her lashes shyly at me. Then with a flourish and a big ass smug smile, she presented the contents of her hand to me…at least a hundred little yellow squares of paper, all with the letters I.O.U. written on them in my handwriting. I shook my head and laughed, knowing exactly what she had in mind.

"I want to redeem them right now…." The papers scattered all over us as she dropped them to move her hand between our bodies. She gripped my pants covered dick and squeezed, before opening the top button and zipper faster than lightening. And fuck me if she didn't have skilled fingers.

"All of them?" I asked in surprise, a slight shrillness to my voice. "Oh, so you figured that all of these sexual favors add up to one night of sex?" I quirked an eyebrow before I added teasingly, "It doesn't matter how many sexual favors I owe you, it's not gonna happen till I say it's gonna happen." Leaning down again to press a kiss on her lips, I said, "Nice try, though. You should consider going into law…seriously."

She clicked her tongue on the roof of her mouth in irritation. "Fine, whatever…I'm blaming you when my ovaries explode and my vagina seals itself up from lack of use."

"I will take full responsibility for any catastrophic events that should occur to your female anatomy." I pressed a kiss on her nose and pulled off her, heading to the bathroom while holding up my pants.

"Where are you going? Don't you want me to finish what I started before?"

"Yeah of course, but I really gotta pee." I had planned as some point during the weekend to go down on her, though admittedly, I was nervous about it. I had never done it before and I was hoping there wasn't a technique or something that I wasn't aware of. If she was still a little drunk, she wouldn't know the difference.

The party was still loud and going strong downstairs, and I didn't want Bella to miss out on it, while trying to entice me into having sex with her once again.

"Do you want to go downstairs to the party…after?"

Bella nodded, "Yeah sure…after." She smiled, sitting up on the edge of the bed, running fingers through her knotted hair. "Wash your peen off before you come back out here, please."

I rolled my eyes and laughed at her, as if my penile cleanliness was ever an issue. However, because I was still me and anal as fuck, I took my time washing up then unpacked my small bag of toiletries neatly onto the vanity, before washing my face and brushing my teeth. I had thought that Bella would have changed or at least knocked on the door wanting to get in to use the mirror or whatever by then. It occurred to me that maybe she had just gone ahead downstairs without me, so I opened the door with trepidation.

Bella was curled in a ball, still in her dress, passed out with the little yellow notes littered around her on the bed. I laughed at the sight of her; my beautiful sexy girl looking so small and sweet as she slept her drunk off. After I took a couple of pictures of her, I rifled through her bag to get her something more comfortable for her to wear. It wasn't the first time that I had done it, and I had to admit, I rather enjoyed taking care of her.

I found a tee shirt and a pair of cotton striped pajama pants as well as a pair of underwear, remembering that hers were still in the car and she didn't like wearing thongs to sleep anyway. As I felt around for socks, I found something very interesting at the bottom of her bag. With a smirk and an instant tingle in my dick, I lifted up the little black sheer nightie, shaking my head at her cuteness for wanting to look sexy for me while imagining her wearing it. It was wrinkled a bit, so I hung it by the thin, lacy straps from one of the dresser knobs and then crawled on the bed to change her clothes.

Regardless of my wanting to wait for the right moment to have actual penetration occur, I was determined to see that little nightie in a heap on the floor before the weekend was up.

She moaned softly as I unzipped her gown, the sound shooting straight to my dick. I swore to God that this girl could fart and it would turn me on. Okay, maybe not, but….

After I sufficiently dressed her and tucked her in under the covers, I found a hair band thing and attempted to pull her hair back. I kind of cocked my head to the side and said, "Huh," noticing the distinct mark of a hickey on the back of her neck that I wasn't aware I had created. I had never done that before, and I made a mental note to be more aware of my acute sucking power in the future. I had also noticed the huge red bruise forming on her right ass cheek and another thin, horizontal one on her back, probably from the edge of the stair. She was definitely going to feel that in the morning. I set out the bottle of Tylenol and an unopened water on the nightstand for when she woke.

I wanted to be with her for a little while in the quiet, so I took off my shirt and socks, laying down beside her. I stroked her hair, and kissed her forehead as she snuggled next to me sighing every now and then. But clearly, at one point I was annoying her, because she rolled over about as far away from me as she could get and began to snore.

With the noise going on downstairs and Bella's chain sawing, there was no way I was getting to sleep any time soon. I changed into jeans and a tee shirt, and left the bathroom light on with the door open slightly, so that if Bella woke up, she wouldn't be disoriented. I also turned over one of the IOU's, wrote a quick note telling her to call me in case she woke up, and placed it next to her phone on the pillow beside her, even though I knew damn well she was out for the night.

I headed downstairs, immediately taking the beer that was offered to me by Connor, and situated myself on the arm of the ugly ass couch that faced the door of our room. I was really hesitant about leaving her alone up there in an unlocked bedroom passed out; unfortunately knowing first hand what could happen to her in her altered state. It was a sad fact, but this shit happened every fucking day, and there was no way in hell I would ever live to deal with the aftermath of my girl being sexually assaulted. I knew every person in the room, and I didn't have one bit of trust for any of them once alcohol and drugs were added to the mix.

Not even my own fucking brother.

I stayed down there for a little over two hours, just hanging out with the guys and Alice, not taking my eyes off that door for more than a few minutes. Jessica Stanley was there with Newton, and as much as I couldn't stand the girl, I felt really bad for her in that moment because she was sitting alone, looking fucking miserable, while Mike flirted unabashedly with one of the random sophomore girls that was there. It seemed that Jessica was much less fierce without her entourage.

None of the other girls at the house were friends with her, and even though Alice was probably the most social person I knew, she was adamant about not associating with Jessica. Angela too, was out of the question for companionship as she had apparently been asleep since the drive up.

Knowing first hand what it was like to be an outcast, I sucked it up, fully aware that she was an instigator in the rumors that went around about me. I invited her over to join in the game of Quarters that was beginning simply because I could not stand to look at her pining over Mike Douchebag Newton while he was all over another girl. She looked almost as though she was about to cry out of sheer joy when I asked her, just so she didn't have to sit alone anymore.

I absolutely hated that particular drinking game, because I loathed the idea of sharing the quarter that had been on an entire table's worth of sweaty noses. However, I was not about to pull out my own new shiny quarter…everyone already thought I was a freak and I didn't want to add to that. I did have to admit though, since I had joined the baseball team and started hanging with the guys, my classmates seemed warmer toward me and the idea that maybe I wasn't such a freak after all.

The game went on for a while, quarter aiming skill waning severely and the decibel level in the room increasing as the cups emptied. After about three full cups of beer, I grew kind of bored and missed Bella, so I said goodnight to everyone to head upstairs. Bella was still asleep in the same position that I had left her in, burrowed into the covers and dreaming peacefully. I slipped on a pair of sweats, removed my shirt and snuggled in next to her, gently stroking the skin on her arms and kissing her, loving that I could feel her whenever I wanted to now. The beer buzz had kicked in, and between the relaxation that overcame my body and the beautiful girl next to me, it was pure fucking Heaven.

That next morning, I woke up pretty late, showered and shaved while Bella continued to sleep soundly. The house was remarkably quiet, which I assumed was the result of everyone nursing hangovers and taking advantage of the lack of parental annoyance. Despite the weather reports telling us that the weekend would be full of sun, the sky was overcast and its usual dull gray, which was disappointing, because I was looking forward to getting out to the swimming hole that Tyler said we had to try out. Besides the fact that I wanted to enjoy the beginning of the summer with a swim, I hadn't yet seen Bella in a bathing suit and I was reeeeallly looking forward to that.

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard a soft knock at the bedroom door. Assuming it was Jasper, I opened it up wide only to caught by a very surprised faced Angela.

"Oh, hey Edward, I um…." She had a pad and a pen in her hand and her eyes were trained right on my piercing, like a fucking laser.

"Bella's still sleeping," I said in a whisper, trying to dispel the awkwardness that was me in nothing but a towel and Angela Webber openly gawking at my chest. I moved back inside the doorway trying to conceal myself a bit more, but it was futile.

"Oh yeah, no…that's…I…wow." She thrust the pad at me, eyes everywhere but my face. "This is a list of the food we're going to get today…at the store. Uh…I have everything grouped into nipples…shit, I mean meals and I figured we could all…uh…take turns cooking…so…."

I laughed at her stammering, replying, "Okay, yeah, that sounds good."

Angela covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry. I just…Bella never mentioned that you were so um…" She swirled her hand around my upper body. "Decorated."

"Oh, yeah," I responded, looking down and having no fucking clue how to respond to that.

"It's so fancy." She said in almost awe and I chuckled again out of pure awkwardness. "Oh, um…here…write down anything else you want and we'll get it…at the store. Did you want to take a ride with us? Since the weather is so crappy, we're all gonna go."

"Yeah, thanks but, Bella is going to be hungover so…we'll pass." I took the pad from her, jotted down a few things that I thought Bella and I would like and handed it back.

"Okay, then. See you in a few hours." She waved as she headed down the stairs muttering to herself something about being a fucking idiot. I sincerely hoped she wasn't referring to me.

By the time I had dressed and eaten a nutritious breakfast consisting of a Twinkie and a can of warm Dr. Pepper, Bella had begun to stir. I don't know why, maybe it was the sugar high that I was on, but I was in such a good mood, that I thought it would be fun to play with Bella a bit.

I crawled on the bed next to her as she groaned, rubbing her face with her palms. I stroked her cheek and the side of her face tenderly. When her eyes opened, she smiled momentarily as I gave her a sweet, "Hello," and then she groaned again.

In a raspy, hoarse voice, that I was willing to bet burned her throat she said, "Oh God, I feel like shhhhhiiiitttt." I had honestly never seen her look so…bad. I mean, she was still gorgeous, but for Bella, this was rock bottom.

"Well, you look absolutely beautiful," I replied, bringing her hand to my lips to kiss her fingertips. "You are positively radiant. Your skin is just…glowing."

She quirked an eyebrow at me. "Yeah, well I think there must have been radioactive particles in the vodka or something because I am willing to bet I look like death on a bad day."

I chuckled, still caressing her face and hair with as much softness and reverence that I could possibly find within me. "You're silly. Are you sore at all?" I asked, kissing her hand again.

She scrunched up her nose as she thought. "My butt hurts a little I guess, and my head is throbbing, obviously…but otherwise, I feel okay."

I trailed my index finger down the front of her body until I was nearing the juncture of where her thigh met her hip. I grazed my finger over her clit faster than she could possibly get turned on by the motion. "Not here?"

She shook her head no. "What…? Why? Huh?"

"Last night?" I hedged. "I tried to be gentle."

A mask of horror shifted over her face. "Gentle?"

"Bella, don't tell me you don't remember," I said, with mock dismay. "It was the most beautiful night of my life. You were so amazing. We…were so amazing…together." The look on her face was priceless. She had no clue I was fucking with her. And I was so going to Hell for this, but whatever.

"Edward, what the hell are you talking about?" she asked in a panic as she sat up. The sheet fell away from her, revealing pert nipples under the tight white tee shirt that I had put her in. "Did we…Edward, did we _do it_ last night?"

"Baby, you honestly don't remember?" I said with a gasp, sitting upright as I threw my hand over my heart with theatrical flair. Someone give me a fucking award or something!

"You wore your little nightie for me," I said shyly, pointing to the garment hanging off the dresser knob. "And you had the loveliest blush on your face when you came…."

_Loveliest blush? Aaaaaand the Oscar goes to…_

It was so fucking dramatic; I couldn't see how she wasn't able to tell I was messing with her. Though to her credit, she was hungover as hell and just waking up.

Then, just to add insult to injury, I said with such heartfelt reverence, "It was the most beautiful, most amazing night of my life and I can't believe you don't even remember it." I bit my lip as I shook my head, feigning hurt.

_And the Emmy is presented to…._

"Edward…I don't remember it…at all." She was starting to get upset, and I couldn't discern if it was because I was upset about her not remembering such a poignant moment for us, or if it was because she had missed out on the experience all together by being drunk. I couldn't handle her getting distressed over it, so I took her hands and pressed my lips together, casting my eyes downward. Then I laughed.

"Oh…you're messing with me," she gasped in relief. Then when the reality of it hit her, she was pissed. "You're lying! You little shit! How could you do that to me!" she grabbed a pillow and smacked me with it repeatedly until she was chasing me around the room with it and I was dodging her scornful blows. Using my hands to shield my face, I finally grabbed the pillow from her and twisted her body so that her back was pressed to my chest.

.

"That's for all the pirate jokes, and the insolence with the cop last night," I said into her ear. "And for falling asleep on me. I had to resort to hanging out with Jessica Stanley last night."

"Um…what?" she turned so fast I swore she was a just blur.

I wrapped my arms around her tightly while she struggled against my hold. "Oh, I'm kidding. I'm sorry, but it was really kinda funny."

"I'm cutting you off. No more peen action...ever again." She retorted with the cutest little defiant grunt.

Shrugging my shoulders, I replied, "And all good things must come to an end." I faked an exasperated sigh and plopped on the bed.

Leaning over toward the nightstand, I pulled a package of coffee cake and an apple juice into my lap, opening the wrapper. "Here, have some breakfast in bed. I cooked."

"Oooh gourmet," she giggled as she settled on the mattress across from me. "You are too good to me."

I joked, "You are my queen and you shall be treated as such."

After she ate begrudgingly as slow as fuck and I made several apologies, I noticed that the sun had come out in full force.

"Do you want to go for a walk or something? It's nice out and Tyler said we have to check out the swimming hole." Bella nodded and smiled widely, sloppily wiping crumbs off her mouth with the back of her hand. I glared at them as they fell on the comforter between her legs, and chuckled as she rolled her eyes before corralling them into a neat pile.

She took forever and a day in the shower, while I literally twiddled my thumbs impatiently as I lay on the bed in navy board shorts. I didn't understand why she needed a fucking shower if she was just going to get wet anyway, but I assumed she had to wash all that shit out of her hair. Finally, she emerged from the bathroom in a white bikini, her hair pulled back into a damp ponytail and no makeup on her face. She actually looked a hell of a lot better than she did when she woke; the sallowness now replaced with a rosy, fresh complexion and a smile to match.

And fuck me if she didn't look ten times hotter in that tiny white bikini than she ever did in my fantasies. _Special _might just have to come very soon.

Pun fucking intended.

**~%~**

Bella's pink backpack loaded full of towels and snacks was slung over my shoulder in the most unmasculine way. I promptly informed her if we were going to have a traditional relationship where I held doors open for her and carried her heavy bags and shit, she would have to invest in some less emasculating gear, because pink was not my fucking color. I made the exception this time, simply because I was in such a great mood, happy to be alive, ecstatic to be free, holding my girl's hand and not giving a shit who saw me wearing my girlie pink backpack.

The sun was shining, and I was proudly walking next to my gorgeous fucking girl who despite the mother of a hangover she was enduring, was clad in nothing but a fuckhot bikini and a tiny denim skirt. And she was in complete denial about spewing any pirate jokes the previous night, insisting that she didn't even know one joke…which meant that there would be no more horrifically executed comic relief for the remainder of the weekend. Unless of course she got drunk again.

Life did not get any better than that.

As we crossed the dirt driveway hand in hand, Bella and I tried to ignore the uncomfortable bickering that was coming from Mike and Jessica as they got into his car. Obviously they were in the middle of a break up, because Jess was slamming things around and Mike was calling her a jealous pain in the ass. She looked at me sadly, and with a wave said, "Bye Edward." Almost as an afterthought, she added, "Bye Bella. Have a good weekend, guys."

With a curt wave, I responded, "Later Jess. Careful getting home," while inwardly cringing at the friendly use of her shortened name. When the fuck had Jessica Stanley and I become friends?

Obviously Bella and Newton were wondering the same fucking thing.

"Exactly when did you and _Jess_ become friends?" she asked, waving her hand in front of her face to dispel the puff of dry dirt Mike's car left behind. Bella didn't really seem upset about it, nor did there seem to be any hint of jealousy in her tone that I could make out, though I had been known to be shitty at interpreting that stuff before. It was more that I even acknowledged Jessica after the shit she pulled earlier this year. I guess I was more about forgiveness these days than holding grudges.

I explained what had happened last night, how I felt bad for her and invited her to play the drinking game with us. It wasn't a big deal at all and it was dropped almost immediately after Bella said it was nice of me to do that, and the fact that I did sweet stuff like that was why she loved me.

Still hand in hand, we headed down the dirt path that apparently lead somewhere important, enjoying the eerie echo of the bird calls that bounced off the mountain. It sounded like an owl to me, but Bella said it was a pair of doves, probably mating. I thought that was pretty fucking cool and kind of appropriate symbolism for us.

The trees made an arcing canopy overhead, emitting little bits of sparkling sunlight through the lush foliage that cover provided. I had to deliberately slow my pace to walk in stride with Bella's little legs, not wanting her to trip and fall, injuring herself more than she already was. Besides, we were in no great rush to get anywhere particular, just enjoying the scenery and one another's company. I was actually kind of savoring the way her hand felt in mine, so natural and fitting.

In the distance we could hear the sound of rushing water, splashing, and a squeal that was unmistakably Alice's. Bella smiled immediately, squeezing my hand at the thought of her friend's happy peals of laughter. We came out of the tree lined path, the swimming hole before us, absolutely magnificent in its natural beauty. Since I was born and raised in Chicago, Bella liked to make fun of my preference for clean, dry land whenever we made some half assed attempt to venture outside, as I did not like the outdoors unless it was me on a baseball diamond with a ball in my hand. Or of course, some exotic beach locale, but even then I fucking loathed the sand.

But this was insane how beautiful it was. Everything there was completely made by nature, all of the elements of a small gushing waterfall, and the large bolder lined pool of crystal clear water beneath it. Ferns and lush vegetation grew in haphazard rows, peppered with wild flowers that were teeming with the flutter of bright orange butterflies. It seemed surreal, that a place so mystical such as this could exist beyond a contrived movie set. It actually reminded me of that old movie, _Legend_ only without with Tom Cruise, the unicorn and all those annoying floating puffs.

Bella's little hand squeezed mine again, as my brother came swinging out from the trees on a long knotted rope, yodeling like Tarzan before he plunged into the water below with a splash. When he came up to the surface he yelled to me that the water was fucking cold but it was awesome.

I was _so_ not doing that.

Bella took the bag from me, pulling out our towels to lay in a sunny spot next to Jasper and Alice's towels. I watched as she shed her shorts and tank top, a little too seductively for the environment we were in, and discreetly adjusted my boner while she walked toward her best friend and my brother. And then, like it was nothing, she hooked her legs around the giant knot of the rope and ran outward leaping off the cliff with a shrill scream before plummeting into the freezing cold water.

When her head popped out of the water, she gasped and laughed, splashing me with her hand as I stood off to the side. I was in absolute awe of her… her natural beauty, her fearlessness, and the way she was so uninhibited in the outdoors. With the way she typically looked, Bella could easily be taken for a prissy little materialistic chick who refused to get her hair wet or ruin her manicure. But I suppose because she spent the majority of her life living amongst this environment, deep down she had a little bit of earth loving outdoorsy tom boy in her.

_And if she didn't stop trying to fucking seduce me, she was going to get a lotta of Eddie Boy in her. Or shall I'll say, El Capitaaaaaan?_

She playfully taunted me one too many times, calling me, "Pansy Little City Boy," while Alice and Jasper joined in. Finally, I succumbed to their stupid peer pressure and found myself in water so fucking cold it felt like it would keep my dick in a perpetual state of shrinkage until I was one hundred and eight years old.

_In fact I think it has frostbite…it was a frozen dick pop. I bet it will even sparkle in the sun it is so frozen...a dickcicle...that may come in handy later._

After a while, the water warmed up, or at least, my body adjusted to the chill, and it became pretty comfortable. The four of us hung out on a large bolder just aside the waterfall, talking and laughing, making fun of Bella's and Alice's matching head contusions. I kind of felt badly that the rest of the group was inside a supermarket while we were enjoying the sunshine.

Then, once Alice and Jasper said they were going for a walk down stream, I leaned over, trailing my fingers across the bare skin of her shoulders, watching as goosebumps popped up where I had touched her. She shivered, leaning back on her elbows, with a very sexy smirk that I had to kiss right off her face. I pulled away, only to dive back in for more, sucking in her bottom lip between my teeth before I let my tongue explore her mouth and my fingers gently skim underneath the straps of her tiny bikini top. Her skin was warm from the sun, but parts of her, the ones under the wet fabric of her bathing suit were cool to the touch. Bella's fingers knitted in my damp hair pulling me down almost on top of her.

I bent toward her chest, peppering her warm skin with tender kisses, and little licks and nips, just savoring and loving our nearness, not deliberately trying to turn her on or give her any thoughts. Her mouth went straight for my ear, sucking on the lobe and whispering a breathy, "I want you," as her hand snaked around to play with my piercing. And fuck if that wasn't going to make me come in my shorts right there and then.

Her brown eyes held a hint of gold around the iris, the slightly green flecks so prominent and beautiful in the afternoon sunlight. I could see them wild and smoldering and while it was sexy as hell, it was not good. Both of our breathing had increased noticeably, and the sexual energy that charged between us was thick and palpable and fucking raging.

Again, as much as I was sporting a raging boner for her, it was my ultimate goal to keep it mostly chaste. I didn't want every second we touched to be about being horny and getting off, and she knew that, as I had explained my reasoning to her many times. I just wanted to be close to her and enjoy the time we had. Bella, apparently had other ideas.

To give the sexual charge a break and let my hard on subside, I pulled away from her with a departing kiss, rolling onto my back, resting my head on my hands behind me. She obviously took it as an invitation to take advantage of me because she quickly turned onto her side, her fingers trailing faintly down my chest to my stomach. With my eyes closed to the intense glare of the sunshine, I felt her dip her fingers into the low waistband of my bathing suit and at the same time, her mouth pressed to my navel, as she began to lick a path downward.

The warmth and wetness combined with the softness of her lips and tongue caused my hard on to remain stiff because of the intention of what was to come. But at the same time, I was oddly alarmed that she was attempting to give me yet another blow job…the fourth time in forty-eight hours. I had this nagging feeling that there was definitely something deeper to this other than her desire to fine tune her sexual prowess, or simply to please herself or me. I mean, I knew she was really horny, but she was hungover and…I didn't know exactly what it was, but I had this weird feeling.

I stilled her hand, pulling it out of my shorts before she wrapped it around my cock and made me lose all sense of thought and purpose. She looked up at me, entirely dejected when instead of letting her go down on me, I let our fingers mesh together, resting our hands on my stomach. "Bella, what are you doing?"

"I want to make you feel good," she said softly, using her free hand to trail back in the direction of my dick again.

"Baby, stop. Jasper and Alice are right over there and…I don't need your mouth on me to make me feel good. I feel fucking great just hanging out like this with you." I stoked her cheek affectionately, my chest tightening as she bit her lower lip trying to hold back tears. When she sat up, she turned away from me, her shoulders slumping as she sighed. Immediately I sat upright, wrapping my arms around her back to stroke her arms that had moved to hug herself.

"What's going on with you?" I asked softly, turning her face toward mine. I heard her swallow hard, knowing that she was fighting back tears. "Bella, please talk to me." We had always been forthright with each other once we knew about our respective past situations. And I would be damned now that the touching thing was no longer standing in our way, that communication would be the element that we would find a struggle with.

She sighed. "It's stupid."

"Nothing you say is stupid. Except maybe your pirate jokes," I added, just to lighten up the suddenly sullen mood and maybe make her smile. "Tell me, please."

She sighed audibly shaking her head. It took her a few minutes to finally speak, so I knew she was either working up to it, or trying to compose herself enough to not cry when she spoke. I ran my knuckles down the side of her face while I waited for words, hoping that it would comfort her enough to feel secure with me, because whatever was going on seemed like an insecurity thing to me.

"It's just…I feel like before…it was just you and me on the same side. Me with my inexperience and you not being able to do anything about it. I felt like we were a team…us against everyone else. But now…it's just me." She said the last part so softly, I could barely hear her over the water in the background and Alice's shrieks.

"Baby, it's never just you. I am always on the same side as you. There's no other place I _could_ be." Every word of that was the truth.

She shook her head in protest. "No, I mean…I feel like now, you guys all have this private joke and I am the only one not in on the punch line. It feels really…lonely. After I moved away from Forks, I spent so much of my life feeling like I was on the outside looking in, and then I was shoved completely out in California. When I came here, I reunited with Rose and Alice and of course, I met you and I felt like I really belonged again, you know? But now…it somehow feels like I'm the fifth wheel or something. I don't really know how to explain it so that you can understand." I could see her frustration just in her lagging posture and the way she rung her hands together.

"Bella, if anyone can emphasize about being left out of stuff it's me. But it still doesn't explain why you are so eager to constantly go down on me. I mean I get that it's new and exciting to be able to touch in public, but it feels almost weird…like it's forced."

I could feel the thrum of her heart beat rapidly against my arm that had been wrapped around her as she sat in my lap. It increased when I asked her the question, even though I had been trying to soothe her. "Do you promise that you won't get mad?"

"I promise."

She swallowed again, this time hard. "Now that you have a choice, I want to make sure that it's me…that I am your _only_ choice."

"What?" I asked incredulously as my voice hitched up an octave or five. "I fucking love you, B. You are the only person that I want, that I'll ever want…."

"Edward don't you think I see the way all these girls look at you? You are so gorgeous and hot and talented and smart and...fucking perfect. How do you think it makes me feel when you are out there pitching and I can hear your freshmen groupies swoon every time you so much as blink. Even our teachers lust after you. I know that's not your fault, but I can't help but feel a little insecure now that you can literally have any one you want and there's nothing in the way of that but…me. What if what you want now isn't me…what if you want to explore other options? Maybe subconsciously, you are saying that you want to wait for the right time, but really it's avoidance so that if we don't have sex, it will hurt me less when you move on."

"Bella, are you serious with this shit?" I swore to God that if my saying goodbye to Jessica had anything to do with this, I was going to bash Newton's fucking face in for being such a douche as to leave his girl alone after prom forcing me to fucking feel sympathy for her.

Bella's voice stayed soft as she wrung her hands in her lap. "You're different now, whether you realize it or not. You don't exude that standoffishness that you did before; you're a lot more relaxed around people. And I just fear that you might be here with me under obligation, simply because I waited for you and went through a lot of shit with you…_for_ you, so now I don't want you to feel like you're obligated to stay with me or something. I mean, people don't always stay in love forever and…."

My mouth literally hung open as I swung her around in my lap to face me. She couldn't even make eye contact, so I lifted her chin up with my fingers, forcing her to look in my eyes. I wasn't exactly super gentle either.

"So let me get this straight…by giving me blow jobs, you're, what? Marking your territory? Making sure I don't stray?"

She shrugged, looking down at her lap. I was fuming, but not necessarily at her, just at the fucked up notion of what love and devotion meant to her, and if I were to be honest, how little she thought of my affection for her.

"Isabella…don't you ever, for a fucking second think that I don't want you. You are _it_. There's no one else…fucking _no one_, got it?" I was harsher that I should have been, but honestly, this shit pissed me the fuck off because I had always been so fucking concerned with my own state of being all this time that I hadn't really given consideration to Bella's. I had just assumed she would just go with whatever happened.

I had never realized how insecure she was underneath her confident façade, regardless of how many times I tried to tell her or show her how much she meant to me. But here and now, this perfect, sexy girl who could make me hard with just a look, was a complete and utter self-doubting mess.

It didn't take a genius to realize that the designer clothes and the perfect hair and makeup had essentially allowed her to wear a suit of armor that protected her from having to be vulnerable, giving her a confident, secure, self assured appearance. Underneath it all, she was just a scared little girl. It was the same fucking reason I was so meticulous about my own outward appearance. It was easier that letting anyone see the real person I was trying to hide. We really were so much alike and neither of us had truly realized it.

That being said, I wondered if maybe the shit she dealt with in California had left her with deeper emotional scars that even she was even aware of. Like, maybe she had endured some kind of post traumatic stress disorder or something as a result, and not just the anxiety attacks. I thought I might have to ask my father about that.

And I wasn't so arrogant or in denial that I thought whatever had transpired between Tanya and I, past and present, had to have had a direct implication on how she viewed the way I was with other women. I mean, I knew she had trust issues with girls, but this seemed to run way deeper than anything I could really help her overcome just by reassuring her of my faithfulness and desire to be with her long term.

She nodded, giving me a small smile and what seemed like a very relived breath. "I'm sorry. I honestly don't know where all this coming from. I love you and I guess I'm anxious about the sex thing. I keep trying and you keep rejecting me and even though I know why you're doing it, I know I shouldn't be weirded out by all of this but…I'm just scared of the change, Edward. I'm sorry that I ruined our afternoon."

"You didn't ruin anything, B. Your feelings aren't stupid, even if they are completely illogical and distorted," I said giving her a pointed look with a smirk, reiterating my own feelings for her. I stood, tugging her up by the hand.

"I am glad that you told me though. Look Beautiful, I love you more than anything, and I am _not_ rejecting you in any way, believe me I cannot fucking _wait_ to be with you like that. But if you really want to go have sex right now, we can go. It will be quick and painful and on a smelly bed that is two seconds from falling apart and it will probably suck. Or we can wait a few more days or whatever until it feels right. It's your choice."

"I want to wait."

I smirked. "You're sure? Cause I have a raging hard on right now and the walk back to the house is pretty short…."

"I'm sure," she said nodding with a small smile. I brushed a stray hair off her face, kissing her mouth softly while I ran my fingertips down her arms.

"I think I know how to get rid of that boner you've got there," she said, a smirk playing on her lips. I quirked an eyebrow at her. Was she fucking serious? I mean, I was all for oral sex, don't get me wrong, but had she not heard anything we had just spoken about? But before I could even get pissed and utter another word, she had her hands gripped firmly around my biceps moving me back off the edge of the rock toward the water with the most devious look gleaming in her eyes. Because I was taken off guard and maybe even because Bella had summoned up some freakish form of super strength, she gave one good shove and I was falling over the side into the freezing cold water.

Only, I was still holding on to her. And she was right, my boner had been effectively taken care of.

**~%~**

We'd spent the remainder of the day swimming and laying out under the sun, no more talk of sex and no further attempts at seduction. We did, however, kiss and touch in a normal way a lot and I thought that perhaps our conversation had sufficiently laid her fears to rest. By late afternoon, the rest of the guys joined us out in the water, and by sunset everyone was fucking starving. We all headed back inside for hot dogs and hamburgers, which were actually pretty good, even though the meal was cooked by two sixteen year olds who had no fucking idea what they were doing. And no one thought to buy ketchup or mustard, but whatever.

Someone cracked open another case of beer, and the partying started shortly after the dishes had been cleaned up. Since it was only eleven of us, (Connor's date was a freshman and wasn't allowed to stay overnight) it was kind of lame. Bella and Alice found a never been used Life board game in a closet, which somehow got converted into a drinking game. Bella and I had become millionaires, even though I was a hairstylist and she was a veterinarian, we had four kids and lived happily ever after in our little pink convertible. It was a happy life.

After that grew old, Bella and I hung out on the couch just talking and holding hands and being normal without any pressure to do anything else but _be_. It was really fucking nice. However, the day had wiped us both out and we were asleep in each other's arms by midnight.

The next day rained. Everyone was kind of bummed about it, so we all vegged out on the couch watching movies and keeping it really low key. Bella and I both called our parents as requested, and started on dinner. It had been the first time we had cooked together since we could touch.

Bella was a complete control freak in the kitchen. She definitely wore the pants in this part of our relationship, and I was more than happy to give that role to her as long as I didn't feel emasculated. I mean, I was in no way going to wear some frilly fucking apron or anything stupid like that, but I would more than willingly chop, sauté and even bake fucking cookies.

I set all the shit up in proper order, read the recipe out to her while she moved about the kitchen with ease and grace, ordering me around. She wasn't a bitch about it, but she gave firm instructions and she liked things done her way. I understood and respected that. Along the way, she would show me little tips and techniques, like how soaking the breadcrumbs in milk for a few minutes before adding it to the chop meat mixture made the meatballs really moist, or adding a dash of cumin in the bowl gave them just a little something extra.

Yeah, I know. They had fucking _cumin_ but no _ketchup._ I couldn't really place all the blame on Angela for that seeing as how I did distract her with all my _fancy decorations_.

But I loved how confident and assured Bella was in the kitchen. And it was so fucking sexy to help my girl cook a meal for eleven. I imagined us hosting dinner parties when we were older and owned a house, preparing the meal together and fucking like animals on the counter while the shit cooked. And I would totally get her to do it in nothing but an apron and maybe a chef's hat. Fuck, the thought of that made me raging hard.

After we ate, Bella and I washed dishes together and cleaned up. I imagine that other teenagers wouldn't have had their prom weekend in an unsupervised cabin so neat and methodically organized. But given that Angela, who was a natural nurturer and closet control freak was in charge, things went relatively smooth. Just the way I liked it. But it wasn't as though we ate around a linen cloth covered dining room table toasting our start to the summer with crystal goblets and shit while the girls all wore their pearls and the guys had on smoking jackets, chatting about the economy. I mean, it was paper plates and mismatched silverware that there wasn't enough of, while we sat on the couches in the living room watching Sponge Bob on the battered old TV.

As we were drying and putting away the last of the pots and pans, I moved to Bella, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my chin on her shoulder. Our proximity made me feel so fucking good, yet so very ordinary. Even as people filed in and out of the kitchen, no one really noticed us being together, probably because they had never noticed that we weren't before. Well, except for Jasper and Alice. Every now and then they would nudge each other and get all stupid and smiley when we did something "normal" like hug or kiss. Bella said she felt like we were fucking monkeys at the zoo.

"The food was amazing, baby," I said, rocking her in my arms. "I'd like to cook dinner for you sometime."

She giggled and probably rolled her eyes. "I haven't had peanut butter and jelly hearts in a while. I could go for that."

"No, I mean a real dinner. Like romantic with candles and stuff. I can probably make something chicken related." That seemed the easiest of all the meats.

"Chicken sounds good. Romantic, with candles sounds amazing, but peanut butter and jelly hearts will always be my favorite." she added quietly, snuggling back into my embrace. Her ass brushed against my groin, and I didn't think it was on purpose, but at that point Bella's raging hormones and her innate need to lose her virginity were causing her body to act on its own volition.

"Mmmm, I'll feed you chocolate covered strawberries for dessert," I said, swiping my thumb over her bottom lip. She let out a hissing breath as she bit down gently on the pad of my thumb, sucking it into her mouth. Oh my God, that was so fucking hot.

"Fuck." I felt my hips buck into her ass ever so slightly, again, of their own will. It was as though our bodies were trying to break our minds of the chastity imposition I had placed on them. She pulled my arm tighter around her, allowing my hand to roam down the front of her tank top, settling on her stomach. I really wanted to feel her tits, but it was inappropriate to be doing that in the kitchen, so I settled for letting my thumb rub underneath the hem of her top.

She moaned slightly, craning her neck to the side, and laying her head back on my shoulder, revealing the hickey I had given her. I bushed my lips over the mark as her eyes closed and another moan escaped her mouth, causing me to go completely hard against her back.

"I think it's my turn to make you feel good. Do you want to go upstairs?" I asked in a whisper stupidly, knowing the obvious answer already. Bella bobbed her head in a daze. I took her hand, tugging her across the kitchen and up to the bedroom, all the while ignoring the immature taunts and catcalls by our friends as we ascended the stairs in haste. Before I shut the door, I leaned out and gave everyone the finger with a smirk on my face. Fuck them.

I grabbed her firmly by the waist walking her backwards to the bed while I smirked with cockiness. She liked when I was like that on the baseball field, so I was pretty sure that she would find it hot in the bedroom as well. The room was stifling and muggy at that point but I was too focused on Bella's eyes, all dazzled and smoldering, to really care. However, I had already begun to sweat so I practically ripped off my tee shirt, throwing it in a ball in the corner of the room, at which Bella looked at with wide eyes. Not even my OCD was going to fuck with me tonight.

I gave her little kisses on the corner of her mouth until she bit and sucked on my bottom lip and we went crashing down on the bed together, with me on top of her. It was a miracle that the mattress didn't fall straight through the wood to the first floor. Then my tongue was in her mouth twisting and tasting hers and it was fucking amazing.

Bella's legs instinctively wrapped around my waist, and I ground myself into her warmth, causing her to moan long and breathy. My heart was pounding out of my chest with the anticipation of feeling her pussy on my fingers and the taste of it on my tongue. I was so unbelievably turned on.

Fuck, she felt so goddamn good, even through the thick denim of both our jeans. She arched her back off the bed with a whimper, letting her neck elongate. My tongue darted out to lick the line of her jaw before nipping it gently with my teeth. I was not going to make any marks on her this time.

We hadn't really ever done this before. I mean, even that night in Vegas, we kind of kept things limited to soft and languorous kissing and gentile caressing because we had been in a solemn, reverent frame of mind then. It didn't make sense to have any urgency as we knew we only had that one night and we needed to savor it.

But this was different. This was filled with want and need and primal desperation, and fuck I was hard and she was so goddamn warm, and I was going to come in my fucking pants when she rubbed up on me again.

I wanted to feel her flesh against my own. Hooking my thumbs onto the hem of her tank top, I brought it up, kissing her stomach and breasts over her bra, not feeling it necessary to ask for permission because I already knew she wanted it. Once the top was off her head, I kissed each breast, cupping one then the other in my hand, needing desperately to feel the silkiness of her bare skin underneath my fingertips.

I moved to slip my hands underneath her back to unclasp her bra, but Bella whispered a raspy, "In the front…the clasp…."

It was one of these sliver twist and slide contraptions that I had no idea how to work. Honestly, who the hell thought this shit up ? I mean come on… a child proof bra clasp? I don't know why, but I kind of felt stupid because it just proved how inexperienced I was. Someone that had more skill in the bedroom would have known the difference between a front opening bra and a back. But before I could get all emo and even dwell on that, Bella said sweetly, "Here, like this," showing me how to unclasp it. The satiny pinks cups moved away from her skin and low and behold, there before me were the most beautiful, perfectly fucking magnificent specimens of mammalian treasures that I had ever had the privilege to feast my eyes upon! My mouth pooled with water, literally salivating for them.

I sort of stared at them blankly for a few seconds, lost in a haze of erect nipples and the freckled skin on her heaving chest until she arched herself upward drawing my attention back to the fact that she was waiting for me to actually do something with her breasts.

"Bella, you are so…fucking, just…ungh." I was at a complete loss for words.

I brought my hand up over her ribcage, cupping her breast in my hand, feeling the weight and the full firmness of it. Her skin was like warm silk and velvet and I was fucking giddy inside just to be able to describe the way it _felt_ under my fingers, not just what it looked like. I was touching her with my own two hands and it was beautiful and magical and goddamn _everything_ and I wanted to cry out with unabashed fucking glee.

Bella's hands threaded through my hair and I didn't even give a fuck that she was messing it all up; her nails scraping my scalp and the light tugging felt so amazingly fucking good. My thumb fanned over her hardened nipple, circling the outside and then over the top and I was so fucking turned on that I pushed myself into her again. When I dipped my head lower, kissing her mouth and then her chin, making my way downward, I finally stopped and let my tongue dart out to taste her, and it was fucking glorious.

I licked circles around both nipples while Bella gasped and tugged harder on my hair. I wanted more, so much more, and I knew that I had to stop or it would go too far, but I wanted to please her. I wanted to show her that she didn't have to be afraid, that I loved her and wanted her and only her. When she came, calling my name, I would answer her with all of my heart.

I sucked and played, flicking my tongue out, taking her in and feeling her, smiling at the sounds that came tumbling from her lips because I was making her feel that way. When Bella's hands pushed my head down into her breasts, and she squeezed her thighs against me I knew she was aching for me to take care of her in other places. So I headed downward, kissing my way toward the sweet, sweet mother land.

"Oh, Edward, yes," she cried, stroking my cheek with her fingers as I opened the button of her jeans and unzipped them. Her hips lifted from the bed, as I pulled them off her, taking her pink panties with them.

I gasped in awe. "When did you do this?" I traced my fingers in a swirl over her bare pussy, feeling how baby soft her skin was. I fucking loved the way she looked. Yeah, I was so totally going to jizz my pants.

"Yesterday," she panted and spluttered throwing her head back. "I had on that white bikini…you can see through it…so I shaved. Do you like it? I thought you would like it."

"I fucking love it. God, you are so hot," I hissed, running a hand slowly up her thigh. When I got to her center, I drew my thumb down her slit, smirking at how wet she was. Bella pressed her heels into the bed, moaning and practically came right then.

I couldn't bear to draw it out, though it would have been highly enjoyable to watch her endure the sweet torture. So I pushed two fingers inside of her and cringed as the hold on my hair became unbearable. "Edward, oh my God! That feels…it feels…."

My fingers weren't even inside her for but a minute and she was shuddering and arching off the bed, digging her heels in the mattress. I was so fucking turned on that I didn't even let her finish riding out her orgasm before I was on my knees at the foot of the bed, shoving my face between her legs.

I took my time, licking and sucking and tasting, letting her feel me as I felt her pleasure. I devoured it all…all of her sweetness, and her innocence and her love, every bit of what she had and I gave…I gave so fucking much and when she came again, screaming my name I whispered that I loved her. And I did, so fucking much it hurt but it was such a good kind of pain. The kind that made you feel alive and happy to be breathing, and lucky…lucky to just _be_.

I moved to lay next to her, not bothering to wipe my face or wash away any of the traces of her arousal, because it was for me and I would have been damn stupid to not revel in whatever she gave me. And the truth was, I wanted to see what she said when she tasted herself on my mouth. So I kissed her, long and hard and then slow and sweet.

Moving a lock of damp hair off her forehead as she breathed hard, I took a peek at the way she looked, all naked and flushed, and so damn beautiful.

"E…that was…that was…Oh God, I am so hot, can you please open a window or something?" I laughed at her inability to function as I rose off the bed, wanting to please her in any way I could.

It took a minute to shimmy the sill up, but the second it was opened the room filled with a cool breeze. There was no screen on the decrepit, rotting wood, and I would be damned if I was eaten alive by bloodsucking mosquitoes all night. I noticed immediately that there was a platform out there. It was partially made of wooden slats like a deck, but looked as though it was an unfinished project that had been abandoned. I swung my leg over the sill, pulling myself through the open window to stand on the other side.

The sky was black, speckled with bright white stars. There was no toenail clipping of a moon, just white against black and it was extraordinary. My body relaxed as the breeze cooled down my damp skin. I leaned back inside.

"Hey, come out here." She sat up, not bothering to cover herself. "Bring the blanket."

I helped Bella over, wrapping her in the blanket once she was standing, but she let it fall around her feet as she gazed up at the stars in awe.

"Wow…it's so beautiful." She was standing there, looking so innocent and pure, but at the same time, so fucking sexy and just lovely, all naked and bare, long hair falling around her shoulders and down her back and…I was so fucking in love with her.

"You…are beautiful." I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around her, loving that she didn't feel the need to cover herself up. I mean, it was only us, and the roof was high enough that even if anyone had been outside, they couldn't see us from the ground. My erection had subsided earlier, but was back now at the sight of her. Tonight was about Bella though, and how much I needed her to know that I would do anything for her. She lay her head on my bare chest, as we rocked slowly back and forth, dancing to silent music. She kissed my chest softly, ghosting her fingertips along my collarbone and then down to play with my piercing.

After a minute or so, Bella looked up at me with a soft smile. "Hey, what did you say to me in French the other night?"

I sighed, answering, _"Tu es la raison pour laquelle je souris et respire. Ma jolie fille. Mon amour." _I kissed her forehead. "You are the reason I smile, the reason I breathe. My beautiful girl, my love. It's a literal translation, though so don't go checking on my French."

She chuckled, "I won't. That's so sexy."

"Sorry, that's all the romantic stuff that I know. I mean, I can ask where the library is and what time it is, but…."

"It's okay, you can just make it up. I'll never know the difference." So I rattled off a bunch of French words in a really good accent that made absolutely no sense but it truly did sound like I was giving her the world with my words.

We stayed quiet for a while then, kissing slowly and just enjoying one another's presence and the warmth our bodies gave off as they pressed against each other. It was too nice to go back inside, so I laid the blanket down and took a corner to wrap over Bella's naked bottom. She snuggled into my side, hitching her knee over my legs while I ran my hand down her back and her ass, gently touching her wherever I could.

"Did you want to tell me what you were going to say on the deck of the boat? I interrupted you."

I sighed, smiling at her. When she looked up at me, her eyes were so full of love and trust my heart clenched. "I was going to say thank you."

She rested her chin on my chest, playing with the four measly hairs that I had let grow in. "For what?"

"For being there. For waiting. For…your patience and understanding and just…I can't thank you enough for all you did for me in the last nine months. All the tears you let me shed, all the times I was an asshole and couldn't handle the frustration, all the times you listened to me rant about how fucking unfair my life was…the waiting…the sexual frustration. And, I know it must have taken so much courage to see Charlotte, and…if you hadn't done that…." I shook my head, pulling her hand up to place over my heart. "I just guess what I am trying to say is thank you for not giving up on me." I traced my thumb across her cheek, wiping away the tear that fell. "Don't cry." Fuck, I didn't want this night to be about me.

She licked her lips looking straight into my eyes. "I would have waited forever for you, Edward. You are everything to me. _Everything_."

My breath caught in my throat at her words, so real and uncontrived and honest. My mouth met hers, slowly capturing her lips and tongue, savoring, tasting, feeling her. I let my fingertips glide down the slight grooves of her spine ever so gently, almost not there, eventually dipping into the spot just above her backside. I could feel her breasts on my chest and her stomach flush with mine. There was nothing overtly sexual about the contact yet we were so aware of each other and our emotions. Everything was so heightened and sort of charged, lingering in unspoken words and floating in the air between us just waiting….

"I love you so very much, Edward." She kissed my chin and pulled back to smile, another tear threatening to fall.

She meant it. With every ounce of her being she meant it and it was at that moment that I realized what was really, truly important. I had been so hung up on the logistics and the inconsequential details of our first time, that I had lost sight of what was really meaningful. Why I wanted to wait in the first place. This was what was special, what was important...the way we felt about each other, the lengths we would go to prove that to one another and the intensity of what we had, knowing that it was precious and pure. We didn't need a stupid hotel room or superfluous décor to make the moment perfect, because it already was.

Here and now, under the stars, wrapped in love and everything that truly mattered…it was perfect.

"Bella, I love you too. More than I could ever really make you understand." I kissed her mouth softly again, taking a deep breath as I pulled away, then rolling us over so that I was on top of her naked body. Resting the majority of my weight on my forearm, I hovered over her. Bella's eyes grew wide.

"Did you…" I paused, because my throat had gone dry. Suddenly I was very nervous. "Did you take your pill this morning?" My fingers stroked her face, moving to her lips. She kissed the pad of my thumb as her features scrunched up while she tried to process my words.

She asked in a voice higher than usual, "What, my birth control?" I nodded. "Yeah, of course. You…do you want to?" she asked, her incredulous smile making her look more beautiful than I had ever seen her. "But what about all that other stuff you wanted?"

I knew she meant the hotel room and the stupid candles and her nightgown. All the bullshit that didn't mean a thing in hindsight.

"This is so much better, don't you think?"

She ran her fingers down my straining biceps and answered, "Yes."

Bella undid the button and zipper on my jeans, pushing them down as far as she could get them before I had to do the rest. Then I laid aside her, one leg over her thighs and my hands everywhere, caressing and savoring her skin, inhaling her soapy girl scent. I knew she could feel the magnitude of what she did to me against her leg, and I had to work to keep it under control until she was ready.

We kissed. Long and slow, mouths molding together and sweet, sweet words whispered in between. I kissed every inch of her torso; her breasts, her stomach, the little silver E that dangled from her navel, needing to go slow. As much as I knew she was entirely too eager to do this, I also knew she was equally as scared.

Bella took me in her hand, stroking gently, eyes wide with anticipation and excitement. I had to shut my eyes and bite my lip to stave off the feeling that I would come at the moment her hand made contact with my dick. It just felt so ridiculously fucking good, that I kind of wanted to cry, knowing I was going to be inside of her and how much better that would feel. It was almost scary. I mean, I had…_we_ had waited for this moment for so long and it was actually here.

I slid my hand down to her bare pussy, circling her clit with my index finger. She writhed against me, moaning softly as I slipped one and then two fingers within her again. She was so wet and warm and I knew by the way she felt on my fingers how unbelievably tight she would be when I was inside of her.

"E…."

"Baby?"

She squeezed my arms, drawing me to her. "Come here," she said softly, letting me know she had enough of foreplay and that she was ready. I pulled my fingers from her, saddened by the cool air that engulfed the warmth. My hands were suddenly shaking, as I slid on top of her body, holding myself up. I kissed her softly again, reaching my hand between our bodies to grab my cock. Bella took a deep breath at the same time I did.

"I'll go slow, okay? It might hurt. So try to relax, Baby." She nodded, smiling with a trace of trepidation and a whole lot of love on her face. I situated myself at her entrance, scared as hell that I was going to hurt her. I wanted this to be so beautiful for her, but it was inevitable that there would be some amount of discomfort.

At the same time I lowered my body down, I slid inside of her slowly bringing my hand to thread with hers. I struggled to keep my eyes open so I could look into hers, because the feeling of her surrounding my cock, the warmth of her body heat combining with mine and her sweet breath on my face was too much.

And oh God, she was tight. Tighter than I had ever imagined I would be able to feel, velvet skin gliding across silk and her slick moisture coating me as I slid as far in as would allow. When Bella gasped, I continued to kiss her softly, trying to channel any of her fears into the action of the kiss, rather than the pain she may have felt.

"Are you okay, Love?"

She nodded, shutting her eyes. "Oh God, you feel amazing." She whimpered and lifted her hips, obviously not feeling any pain. I smiled, thanking the gods of the Sparklepeen for the preparation.

Then I felt the sort of tingly aching sensation build quicker than it had ever come before, rushing forward like a freight train. I didn't know if it was her words, or the warmth and tightness squeezing me, or if it was just the reality of being able to do this. I froze inside of her, forcing my orgasm to stall, willing it to hold off for a little while longer.

"Baby, don't move. Just…." I stroked her face, looking into her beautiful brown eyes, which were warm and patient and full of curiosity. "I don't want to come right away," I explained in a whisper. The sheer intensity of the feeling slowly ebbed away but continued to linger on the fringe while I traced lines over her features, intermittently kissing her nose and her chin. When I finally felt I could, I pulled slowly outward.

A warm breath blew from between her lips in the form of a barely audible moan. Even though I had more experience than Bella, this was a definite first for me as well. The sensation of being inside of her skin on skin was so fucking intense that I knew there would be no way she possibly could orgasm before I came. She whimpered and moaned with pleasure and it was better than any fucking music that I had ever heard, like a symphony created just for my ears alone.

Squeezing my fingers around her palm, I whispered, "Oh my God, this is…this is…." I couldn't even form coherent words to describe how it felt. It was so much more than the physical aspect of the act. Emotionally I was soaring and screaming and crying with pure joy just to be able to be close like this with the girl I loved. I knew that there was no going back now and I hoped that Bella would understand the depths of what I felt for her, of how much she meant to me, and how I couldn't live without her in my life.

"It's amazing," she whispered for me. It _was _amazing.

My hips moved as slowly as I could manage, but my body was fighting it, telling me, urging me to go faster. Her hips lifted to meet mine in a seemingly perfect rhythm. We just fit. We fucking fit together like we were created solely for one another.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, not breaking eye contact. I was afraid she wouldn't tell me if she was hurting.

"Yes, it feels so good. But I need…I need…." She shut her eyes and wrapped her hands around my back, digging her fingers into my shoulders with a desperation and a need that equaled my own.

"What do you need, baby?" I asked against her jaw as I nipped it, still moving inside her achingly slow.

Her fingers squeezed harder around my shoulders and in a whimper she simply replied, "More."

I let out a relieved breath, thanking her silently because I needed urgently to move and whether or not she needed it for herself, it seemed almost like she knew what I wanted too. Maybe we were meant for each other in that way. Maybe that was meant by soul mates…knowing what the other needed without having to utter a word.

I dipped down kissing her hungrily, as she wrapped her legs around my ass, shifting and pulling me deeper inside of her. We both gasped, as I slid in slightly farther, having no idea that it could feel even more fucking amazing. She moaned again, which I took as a cue to give her that more she had asked for.

I rocked my hips into her increasing the rhythm, and her hold around my shoulders tightened, her fingernails digging into my muscles and skin. The sheer intensity was too much to even endeavor to impede when the feeling came this time, barreling forward from my groin spreading like fire to every part of my body. Silver speckles of light danced over my eyes and everything stopped, as I released with a relieved whimper inside of her, letting everything go.

"I love you Beautiful, I love you," I said, not even realizing that I was speaking. I wanted to cry knowing that we had been together in the most intimate way and that she gave me this gift to me and only me, something I could never give back to her.

I was numb and electrified, exhausted and full of energy, sated yet wanting never to stop.

With an exhale, I collapsed on her stomach, feeling the vibrations of her heart thumping wildly in her chest. The sensation of Bella's fingers running through my hair was the closest thing to heaven that I could imagine. I let her do that for a minute or so, feeling terribly greedy while I came down, letting my breathing return back to normal.

When I looked up at her, she smiled warmly and mouthed, "Thank you." There was the unmistakable gleam of tears brimming in her eyes.

I realized that she was shaking slightly, so I pulled the excess blanket up to cover her, drawing her into my chest. She laid her head on my arm, wrapping her body around mine while I stroked her hair away from her face. So fucking beautiful.

I could feel warm drips of water on my shoulder, Bella's tears. "Baby, what's wrong? Are you sad?"

She shook her head, looking up at me. "I'm happy, Edward. So happy." I squeezed her hand in mine, laying them to rest on top of my blissful heart.

And then without further words, we stayed like that for a long time, close and happy, in comfortable silence, just enjoying each other and the night sky that watched over us. We didn't stop touching, not for a single second, making up for all of that lost time.

We both gasped and pointed when a very distant star suddenly shot across the blackness, leaving a trail of silvery shimmer in its wake.

"Make a wish," she whispered against the stillness of the night.

I smiled outwardly, while placing a kiss to her forehead. I no longer had the need for wishes or prayers or even miracles anymore.

"I have everything I already want."

~%~

**This is surrender  
To a war-torn life I've lived.  
Scars and stripes forever  
In need of change I can't resist.**

No need to hide anything anymore.  
Can't return to who I was before.

I can finally breathe.  
Suddenly alive.  
I can finally move.  
The world feels revived.

**Breathe~ Anberin**

**Oh FYI, **

**Washington law defines the illegal acts as "embracing another while driving." But as State Patrol troopers point out, people cited for this don't usually get tickets for **_**hugging.**_

**Section 46.61.665 of the Revised Code of Washington addresses the subject: **

**It shall be unlawful for any person to operate a motor vehicle upon the highways of this state when such person has in his or her embrace another person which prevents the free and unhampered operation of such vehicle. Operation of a motor vehicle in violation of this section is prima facie evidence of reckless driving.**

**Reckless driving is a gross misdemeanor and people convicted of the crime also get their license suspended.**

**Totally takes the fun out of road head. Don't say you never learned anything from me.**

**Xoxo**

**EBT**


	40. Chapter 40 Can't Get Enough

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**Thanks as always to Suzy and to Erika. Your input is valued more than you know. **

**Thanks also to everyone who reads, reviews, Facebooks, interviews, Twitters, blogs, recs and whatnot. I appreciate your kind and generous words more than I can ever express. **

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 40~ Can't Get Enough**

**Want to but I can't help it**  
**I love the way it feels**  
**Just got me stuck between my fantasy and what is real**  
**I need it when I want it**  
**I want it when I don't**  
**Tell myself I'll stop every day**  
**Knowing that I won't**

**I got a problem and I Don't know what to do about it**  
**Even if I did I don't know if I would quit but I doubt it**  
**I'm taken by the thought of it...**

**And I know this much is true**  
**Baby, you have become my addiction**  
**I'm so strung out on you**  
**I can barely move**  
**But I like it**

**And it's all because of you**

**Boyce Avenue~ Because of You**

**~Bella~**

"Baby, wake up. We need to go inside. You're shivering."

Mmmm…velvet and ice cream… his voice made me feel like melting into a pile of goo. Or maybe it was what we had done just hours earlier.

Somewhere in the middle of the night I stirred, still blissfully captive in Edward's arms. His mouth was pressed to my forehead, soft breaths escaping his lips as he whispered for me to wake up. Though his body was heavenly warm and I was wrapped in his embrace, as well as sufficiently covered by the blanket, I was trembling. The outside temperature had dropped significantly and our nakedness made it very uncomfortable. Not to mention the hard wood underneath me that was cutting into my hipbones.

_And by hard wood, I mean the deck, not Edward's fantastic peen._

I hummed in agreement, too sated and exhausted with post coital bliss to move with anything resembling haste. In frustration, he scooped me up in his arms, the blanket trailing behind us, but found difficulty once we got to the window. Half asleep, I had to climb in clumsily, thankful that Edward's guiding hands had prevented me from yet again hitting my head on the open sill.

He steered me to the bed, but when I realized that I was wet and sticky from the leaking mess between my legs, Edward noticed too. He rushed to grab me a warm wash cloth, tenderly wiping me clean before he helped guide my legs into a fresh pair of panties and then tucked me between the sheets with soft kisses and nuzzles to my neck. It was with an odd sense of delight that this all occurred, somehow making the beautiful experience real and imperfect and tender…and just unequivocally _us_. We took care of each other the best way we knew how.

He left to wash up while I fought to keep my eyes open, unfortunately failing before he could return.

A few hours later, I woke to the sound of booming thunder rattling the old shoddy windows, flashes of lightening illuminating the small, dark room, and the warmth of sweet kisses peppered along my bare shoulders. Hands sliding up my ribs and resting on my naked breasts made me hum, and then fingers creating delicious circles before they pushed inside of me made me moan loud and breathily. In a whisper I was hushed; a gentle reminder that we were amongst friends in a crowded house, the wee hours of the quiet morning still upon us. I wanted to wake up every day like this.

My own personal alarm _cock._

_Ringie dingie ding dong! I was going to set it to six every damn day._

"Are you sore, Baby? Do you want me to stop?" He whispered the words in a voice that was silently pleading with me to concede. I could almost hear him murmur to himself, _please say no, please say no_.

I was indeed sore, but there was no way I was rejecting his tender advances. I shook my head no, giving him whatever he wanted without protest or question, simply because he had given me everything he had.

I had his unconditional love. I was his and he was mine and we belonged together in every sense of the notion. He had made every attempt at having me understand the depths of his love for me, while trying to quell my insecurities and easing my irrational fears…forcing me to understand that he was with me no matter what the circumstances, out of love and desire. _Not obligation._

While I truly believed he loved me with his whole heart, I still had a tiny part of me still lacking that assurance, and I couldn't exactly pin point why it still lingered despite all of Edward's guarantees of his faithfulness. It was there nonetheless. But I realized ultimately, that was my insecurity issues, not anything Edward had done.

The bottom line was that Edward was my everything…he had my heart and soul... my fucking _life_.

And now he had my body as well.

His words and his fingers, and then his teeth pulling and sucking at my nipples made me quiver until I was writhing and bucking off the bed fighting back a scream. He didn't allow me the opportunity to come down after I'd come on his fingers, because apparently, my having an orgasm under his ministrations pushed him over the edge.

When he slipped inside of me I had to clench my teeth together, because initially I was quite uncomfortable, tender and swollen. But Edward was slow and sweet, touching and kissing me in all the right places, softly whispering things that put my mind and body at ease. Finally the pain subsided, replaced with a dull ache of pleasure and want and oh…was it goooooood.

As the storm wreaked havoc outside, inside we moved together, slow and deliberate and then faster with labored breaths when he could no longer control his urges. He came before I could, but it was absolutely okay because I didn't need to feel the intensity of an orgasm, when instead, the amount of love I felt easily replaced that need.

I found it strange and oddly ironic that in our newly acquired physical relationship, it had become much more important to me to feel the intense emotions rather than the extreme physical pleasure. Also replaced were the bad memories and fears of thunderstorms. After Edward saving me when I was trapped in my basement, and now making love against the backdrop of the summer rains, thunderstorms held an entirely new meaning for me now. It wasn't fright, but comfort that I felt.

Edward however, showed his immense disappointment when once again he came and I didn't. Our lovemaking was quick, intense, and followed by an apology by Edward for finishing so quickly, despite his best efforts. I tried to explain that it wasn't necessary for me to orgasm while he was inside of me, that the act itself was what was so important. He wasn't accepting that.

I suppose it was a guy thing that he had to make sure I at least came before and after penetration if not during. I totally got that it made him feel like a man if he brought me to orgasm, but my cooter was so unbelievably sore. I think it went on some sort of cooter lock down...she saw his fingers coming towards her and all of a sudden I was as dry as the damn Sierra. After a while, his fingers in me weren't really all that pleasurable anymore and I asked him to stop, just wanting to be held. He drew lazy shapes and words on my back with his long, able fingers and I tried to guess what they were...hearts and I love you's were the most popular.

Regardless of the temporary discomfort, I was on cloud nine. Happier than I could ever describe in words, feeling like I was electrified in a way that made me radiate from the inside out. We laid in bed for a while cuddling and kissing, only whispers and giggles amidst the storming rains pelting the windows. I rolled on my stomach, straddling his naked body while his fingertips grazed my skin. God it felt good to touch him…and be touched by him.

Lowering my mouth to his chest, I kissed and sucked deliberately through my teeth while Edward had his head thrown back and his arm casually thrown over his eyes. I thought perhaps he was expecting me to go down on him, but after he'd been inside of me twice, I was too grossed out to put my mouth on his peen. Besides, he had lectured me about my eagerness to give him head, and I intended to deliberately hold back in that department just to make a point.

However, I was so pleased with myself that I sat back to admire the masterpiece that was Edward for a long minute. Then Jasper banged on the bedroom door insisting we get our lazy asses up to help clean the mess downstairs.

As I rifled through my bag for the day's outfit, lowering my gaze to conceal a smirk, Edward slowly got off the bed, lazily shoving the sheets aside. He yawned and stretched, glorious in his nakedness, moving to the bathroom without the slightest bit of modesty. He disappeared inside of the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door all the way. I heard the sound of him peeing followed by the sink water running and the swishing sound of him as he brushed his teeth. And then I sat back and giggled when he threw open the bathroom door, mouth foaming with toothpaste.

He pointed to his chest with a garbled, "Whu the fuh id thii?"

Of course he was referring to the letter "B" outlined in lovely purple hickies along the length of his torso.

_Mine._

_All mine._

_It was a temporary insurance policy for the insecure._

We dressed and headed downstairs with our hands linked to help with the clean up prior to leaving the house. Before we separated, Edward kissed my forehead tenderly, smiling down. He mouthed, "I love you," kissing my hand and then left reluctantly to find Tyler to see what was left on the list to do.

With narrowed eyes, Alice took one look at me, grabbed my arm, dragging me into the kitchen where she simply asked, "Oh my god, you guys totally did it didn't you?"

I nodded emphatically, unable to contain my ridiculous smile, making no effort to deny the accusation. Like two idiots, she and I jumped up and down squealing in celebration of the loss of my virtue. Angela, who had heard the excitement from her supervisory position across the house eventually joined in, and then a quick call to Rose had the four of us giddy and silly and rejoicing.

"Oh my god, tell me everything!" Alice squealed, while I motioned for her to keep it down. I mean, Edward obviously knew I wasn't going to keep it a secret, but I didn't want the other boys to know. Somehow it made me feel slutty, even though Edward and I were a couple and totally in love and it wasn't like I was opening my legs for just anyone.

Angela pulled out a chair and the three of us sat down, huddled close together with Rose on the cell. They waited with baited breath for details. Well, except for Rose. She was more like, "Spill the deets and make it quick, Bitch!"

"Well, you know how he wanted to wait until it was like totally perfect and romantic? Last night, we found this deck outside of our room and we were lying under the stars and he had just, uh… you know… with his mouth…" I motioned to my crotch indicating that he had gone down on me and the girls needed no further explanation.

"Was it good?" Angela asked with wide, curious eyes. "Oh, I bet it was good."

I nodded, rolling my eyes back into my head with a moan for emphasis. "So. Frigging. Good. He's got a very gifted tongue."

_Squeals…_

"I had a feeling he was skilled," Angela added with a knowing nod. I swore I heard her mutter something like, "Because he's so fancy," but I couldn't be certain.

"Like clench your toes and silver spots around your eyes, good?" Alice asked animatedly.

I nodded, "Like so good that my teeth felt numb and I couldn't remember my name."

"Ahh, that's good," they all chimed. Why all of a sudden did I get the creepy feeling that, at that exact minute, all my friends were having fantasies about my boyfriend? Two of which were with his brothers. To be honest the whole thing just creeped me out for a second. But they were just being gossipy girls.

"Come on B, we have to live vicariously through you," Angela said thoughtfully.

"So you're out on the balcony under the stars…" Alice made an impatient circling motion with her hand, urging me to continue.

"Oh, yeah so I'm completely naked still and I'm lying in his arms and then we're like kissing and touching and being all sweet and stuff and then he tells me how much he loves me and he says 'thank you' for all that I've done for him and stuff…"

All three girls said, "Awwwwww," followed by collective reverent sighs.

"Then it just sorta happened. The timing was perfect and the surroundings were just perfect and…Edward was just…"

"Perfect," Alice and Angela both added softly.

"Yeah, perfect."

Rose said nothing, but I could hear her eyes rolling. She and Edward still had some lingering animosity over the peeping Tom thing, despite my best efforts to let her know that I was way over it.

On the other end of Alice's cell we could hear Rosalie telling Emmett, "Edward and Bella totally had sex."

Emmett replied loudly, "S'about fucking time!"

I clicked my tongue on the roof of my mouth in annoyance, knowing that eventually it would be common knowledge, but it felt sorta like a betrayal to Edward to be blabbing about our newly acquired sex life. Then again, I assumed he would tell his brothers as soon as possible anyway, so I sort of lost the guilt pretty quickly.

Alice bit her lip. "Did you like…come?"

I shook my head, ignoring the despondent looks that followed. "No, it was sorta quick, and I was too focused on everything to really let it happen, you know?"

The both nodded emphatically. "It takes a while to get it to synch up. But it will, don't worry."

"Oh, I'm sure it will." I mean this _was _Edward- I am a perfectionist- Cullen we were talking about. No doubt he'd be making every attempt to rectify this situation. "I don't even care about that, to be honest. I just…" I smiled, and ducked my head shyly adding a shrug. "I just can't believe we finally did it!"

More squeals and stamping feet on the floor.

"What the hell are you screaming about in there?" Ben yelled from the living room.

"Nothing!" We all answered in chorus.

When Edward appeared in the doorway, looking fucking fabulous as ever in this baby blue v-neck tee shirt that made his skin look flawless and translucent, he held his hand out to me and smirked, "Come on, Beautiful. Enough chit chat…time to get to it."

As we all rose to get back to cleaning, Alice cleared her throat to add, "Looks like you both got _to it_ last night." She scooted out of the kitchen before I could smack her.

Edward shook his head, pulling me close as he cupped my ass in his hand. "Wow…I leave you alone for fucking five minutes and the whole world knows. I didn't peg you as one who would kiss and tell."

"I'm sorry, but she asked and I couldn't lie. Besides, I feel like I am glowing like a neon sign." I grinned shrugging my shoulders. Like he didn't know I was going to spill the beans to my best friends as soon as humanly possible. He was lucky I didn't post it on Twitter while it was happening.

"I feel so dirty," he kidded, dragging his nose along my jaw. Ignoring the goosebumps and the little swirling in my lower belly, I rolled my eyes and smacked his beautiful arm, so smitten and so completely, utterly in love.

Edward and I exchanged shy glances and sweet, knowing smiles while we worked, a secret shared between us and well…the girls in the house and Em and Rose. And then of course Jasper, who continuously rolled his eyes at Edward calling him "Pussy whipped." The term pussy whipped always sounded funny to me. All I could picture was a little pussy with a top hat on and a whip with a dick inside a cage similar to a lion tamer at a circus. WHACK...Growl...

Though it was obvious that Jasper was kidding with him, I found it funny that Edward did not dispute this one bit.

After everything was in order, we packed up and said goodbye to our temporary quarters, thanking Tyler for his hospitality. We drove home, taking the road slow and easy as the rain fell in heavy sheets around the little car. Edward held my hand and for a long part of the drive we sat in a comfortable silence, just sneaking shy peeks at each other. It was kind of silly really, because we had made love only hours before, but I was feeling a little sheepish after being so intimate with him.

But things between us definitely felt different. _I_ felt different. I felt sort of older and wiser and infinitely special and…finally…finally in the loop. Never again would I have to nod and look away dejectedly when the girls discussed their sexual adventures. But I also felt a connection with Edward that, despite the fact that I wasn't the only person he had ever shared his body with, I was most certainly the only girl he'd ever given his whole heart to. And that made me feel exceptional and quite extraordinary. His heart was mine. There was no greater gift than that.

Once we got to Forks, Charlie was at home, indirectly implying that he wanted me to spend time with him and Maggie, thus forcing Edward and me to take a break. All I wanted was to be with him, be near him, feel him, taste him. However, I relented, thinking that Edward would want some space. Charlie asked about my bruised head, which was now a lovely shade of puce, but I told him the truth that Alice had a matching one. Luckily he didn't have a shit-fit over it. There was no indication either, that an Officer Embry Call had contacted him. I was thankful in more ways than one for that.

My dad ordered a pizza and we watched Avatar; the sweet and subtly sexy story about forbidden love making me hunger for Edward impossibly more. In fact, the more I thought about it the hornier I got, except now all I could picture was him blue with a long swishy tail...

_God, he would be so hot as a 3-D animated character_.

My phone rang just as the credits rolled on the screen. I was relieved and quite besotted when Edward called to say goodnight, however, my father didn't even attempt to hide the fact that he was somewhat irked. "Jesus, you spent four days together. Haven't you had enough of each other?"

This earned an exaggerated huff and an eye roll from me as I stood, followed by an adamant, "No, I will never have enough of him." I hadn't meant it to be a sexual innuendo, but apparently it came across that way.

Maggie's eyes widened knowingly and in that moment her sly smile told me that she knew. And the irritated grunt that followed by my father led me to believe that he would figure it out sooner or later. He was a great detective when it came to cheating spouses but I had a feeling that Charlie's Virture-dar wasn't as keen. To be honest, I was actually glad it would be out in the open, and it wouldn't have to be something that was openly discussed.

_God, please if you love me, don't make Charlie bring it up…ever._

Edward asked me if I had plans for the next day, and when I told him I had nothing to do but laundry and unpacking, he asked me to meet him by the tree house at noon. He was being intentionally cryptic, yet mysterious and my curiosity was piqued.

As I lay in bed, it had occurred to me that it had been a while since I'd been openly thankful to the Big Guy. The last time we spoke, it was brief and to the point, as I thanked him for Charlotte setting Edward free. I figured it was safe to begin the ritual again.

_Dear God,_

_Uh, it's Bella. Remember me? Yeah, bad Christian here, I know. I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I know I've been slacking in the prayer department lately, but to be honest, I felt a tiny bit guilty for the whole premarital sex thing, so I guess you could say it was avoidance on my part. Not that you didn't know, or see, because I'm sure you were watching…well, not watching, because that's like pervy, but I think you know what I mean. And I have convinced myself that if you didn't want it to happen, or that if you felt like it was wrong, then you wouldn't have made the sky so beautiful for Edward and I to lie under. And you wouldn't have let me meet Edward in the first place, because have you seen him? I mean it was only a matter of time before it happened. We love each other, you know, and I think that makes it okay. _

_Anyway, please forgive me for drinking alcohol and for cursing and using yours and Jesus' name in vain and please bless all the little kids in China who have to go to school on Saturdays, and give all the homeless people in the world some shoes and socks, because it has to suck to not only not have a place to sleep, but to have holes in your shoes to boot. Seriously, no pun intended. Please watch over my Dad, Mom, Phil, Maggie, Esme and the baby, Carlisle, Emmett, Rose, Alice, Jasper and of course Edward, except when we're fooling around because we would certainly like our privacy. Thank you for all of the blessings you have given me. _

_Amen._

_Oh P.S. Please watch over Charlotte too. Edward showed me the letter she wrote him, and the girl needs your love in a big way._

_Love Bella, (In case you forgot because it's been so long. Bella Swan.)_

At eleven fifty five the next morning, I headed down the path to the swings, drawn by an imaginary pull to him. I may have actually even skipped down the trail once I saw the pink tree house come into view, bringing an instant smile to my face. I had missed him so much in the last twenty four hours that my body was craving his caresses and just his nearness.

Edward was waiting on the yellow plastic swing for me, twisting the ropes before letting them whip him around. A smirk spread firmly on his face when he caught sight of me.

"Hi handsome boy."

"Hey beautiful girl," he responded automatically, stilling the twisting swing to pull me in between his legs. I bent down to kiss him, sucking hard on his bottom lip. His eyes were ablaze, green and gold, want and need. I could feel it radiating off his body, in his hold and how his breathing had rapidly changed. And we hadn't even _done_ anything.

"I missed you so much. I feel like I…can't get enough of you," I said seriously with a little whine, because I really did, and I didn't feel any shame in voicing that aloud.

His grip tightened on my hips, drawing me in closer. "I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through withdrawal from you." He moved the hem of my top up slightly with his thumb, leaning forward to kiss my bare stomach. I giggled as it tickled me, simultaneously sending tingles to the parts of my body that responded to Edward..._everywhere._

Taking a hold of the ropes in my hands, I lifted my foot and slid it between his thigh and the rope, doing the same with the other foot until I was straddling Edward on the swing.

"What are you doing, Baby?" he asked in confusion, until he smiled, realizing that the positioning was definitely beneficial to him. I thought he was probably worried about me getting his jeans dirty more than anything. I wriggled around for a few seconds deliberately grinding and bouncing into Edward's crotch before I found a comfortable spot to settle into.

"Mmmm. I like this," he whispered, eyes gleaming. Edward pushed off with his feet, the swing moving easily despite our combined weight. As we gradually swung higher, butterflies fluttered in my belly on the descent, making me shut my eyes and giggle with the sensation.

Edward actually had a light glistening of sweat on his forehead, causing some of the uncooperative hairs that had fallen out of his perfectly coiffed hair to stick to his skin. It could have been because he was working so damn hard to get us to go high with me on his lap, but it was probably because there was like 250 percent humidity in the air, the day was muggy and disgusting as all hell. It was hottttttttt.

_Why the fuck do people live here anyway?_

I grabbed hold of the ropes tightly, leaning all the way back, until my frizzy hair was dragging along the ground. It was the closest thing to flying as you could get.

"Your turn!" I kissed his lips softly, as I came back up, settling comfortably in his lap and he continued to pump his legs.

"Nuh uh. Hell no."

"Come on, lean back. Don't be afraid…I wont let you fall," I assured him, though we both knew that if he was to slip off the swings going this high, not only would I not be able to help him but there would be some serious head injuries to contend with. Besides the fact that I'd be going with him.

Edward gave me a tentative scowl and muttered, "Fuck it," as he slowly leaned back and yelled, "Oh shit!" But once he let the feeling overtake him, he laughed out loud; giddy, free...happy.

Edward's sweet laughter was a sound that would forever make me smile. It was actually sort of moving for me to experience first hand, Edward behaving so carefree and lighthearted. While he soared below me for a minute or two, knuckles white around the ropes of the swing, I wondered what it was really truly like for him to have all this proverbial weight off his shoulders. I wondered if he felt young again, being able to act normal and so much like the teenager that had been taken away from him prior to now. I wondered mostly, if our new sexual relationship would change him in any way.

"I can't believe you've never done that before, City Boy. Everyone's done that at some point."

"There are plenty of swing sets in Chicago, Bella. I just was never one to take advantage of them. I'd rather have been playing baseball…like a _real man_. Not like a little sissy playing on the slide and shit." He straightened his shoulders and pursed his lips, trying to act all macho. It was so frigging cute.

I rolled my eyes as Edward brought the swing to a stop. With his hands at my waist, he pulled me closer to him, kissing my collarbone, rubbing his nose into my neck with a long sigh and then nipping his teeth along my jaw. My fingers wrapped around his biceps as I threw my head back, letting him have more of me. I definitely wanted more of him. He hissed as he shifted his hardness underneath me muttering, "Fuck. We should probably get going."

I murmured in semi-agreement, while I made no effort to move or pull away. I loved the way he felt under me, and what he did to me. My flesh was suddenly raised with goosebumps though it was ridiculously warm outside.

"I'd like to have sex like this," I spoke into his ear, caressing the outer shell with my tongue. We had only accomplished missionary style because Edward needed to feel in control so he could try to last longer. I wasn't even certain if he was fully enjoying it because he was so dead set on me having pleasure.

His breath hitched and Edward's eyes became hooded. "Fuck yeah. I'll be so deep inside of you like this. Maybe later tonight?" His fingers dug into my hips, pushing my body down on him.

_Fuck me…__and we have a date! Time please? I shall wear my best satin undies and your peen can wear a little bow tie._

I nodded emphatically. With Edward and I, there was this obvious connection between us, powerful and intense and just electric. Our relationship was out in the open now, on display for the whole world to see. But when he was inside of me, what we shared was ours alone, a private thing that we chose to have no one else witness or know the details of. It was just me and Edward again, in synch and in deep, beautiful love and I wanted him more than I could have ever imagined wanting and needing another person. Sometimes I felt like I needed to get so impossibly close to him that I could be in his skin, in his breath, in the blood that ran through his veins. So close that he could siphon the air from my lungs and breathe for me.

And when he entered me, my whole world was shifted, leaving me with nothing but this boy who I would die for.

It was so fucking scary to feel this.

Edward looked at me with an intensity in his eyes that made me shudder. That was his _I want sex_ face. His hands cupped my ass, squeezing once before he stood with my legs wrapped tightly around his waist, clinging to his neck. I though he would put me down, but instead, he walked us over to the tree house, sat my ass on the landing and ordered, "Climb in."

I scooted backward into the little house, watching with labored breaths as Edward scaled the ladder, eventually stalking toward me on his hands and knees like a lion going for the kill. I backed against the wall almost cowering at the feral gleam in his eyes and this expression that I hadn't really ever witnessed before. It wasn't his "Let's make love, Baby," face. It was his, "I'm going to fuck you till your brains ooze out of your skull," look.

I was So. Fucking. Turned on.

"Fuck, I want you so bad," he breathed, scooping me into his lap where I once again straddled him, rubbing up against his hardness. Everything was on fire, my crotch, my nipples, my skin….

With a sense of immediate urgency, the little pink tank top I had been wearing was pulled over my head, discarded onto the wooden floor before I could blink. Then Edward had his hands and mouth all over my breasts, caressing, squeezing, licking, biting me as I arched my chest into him. Without thinking, almost instinctively, I circled my arms around his neck, running my fingers into the back of his scalp.

He hummed, but then his hands stilled mine as he murmured the words, "Don't fuck up my hair," against my neck. I rolled my eyes, feeling his smile speak on my sensitive skin. He added a gentle, "Please." I had to really suppress the urge to go hog wild on his head and mess the shit out of it, because he would be all moody and pissy afterward and I admittedly found that hot.

_Vain bastard._

His fingers flew to the buttons of my jean shorts, pulling them down my ass along with my panties. I stood quickly to get them off, while Edward undid his own shorts, hastily kicking them off into a corner of the little space, then removing his tee shirt, which he carefully lifted the fabric over his hair, not mussing even a strand. He didn't think I noticed, but even in the haste of our undress he inconspicuously arranged his clothes on the wood in such a way that they wouldn't get wrinkled.

Still standing in front of him, I blatantly stared at Edward's perfect, naked body while he stroked his erection, my eyes flittering to his which were busy scanning my naked body. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, watching him want me like this. I dropped to my knees, submitting in the fierce pull of him drawing me down like a cord.

This was so fucking weird…being in the tree house after so long, and after everything we had been through, and now we were going to fuck inside of it.

_Talk about a christening...maybe I should break a bottle of champagne along the outside of it when we're done._

There was no foreplay other than Edward's hands on my ass and my tits, and my fingertips hungrily grazing his nipples to tug on his piercing which made him hiss, the kinky bastard. We were both so out of breath with want and need that it didn't even occur to either of us to entertain any of the preliminary steps. It was a matter of getting from point A to point B in the quickest amount of time possible, with no distractions or interruptions.

_It was simple science. Insert Tab A into Slot B...maybe that should be my new Twitter name...Slot B...except that would mean Edward would be Tab E…_

_Oh never mind…I'm gonna get laid in my pretty pink tree house!_

On my knees, I hovered above him nervously as the head of his peen swiped passes along my already wet opening. My eyes shut when he slipped in a few inches, his grip on my hips, slowly guiding me down until I was flush with his groin. My mouth opened but nothing would come out except a warm gush of air. I had no idea it could feel like this, so intense, so concentrated. It was so much…too much.

Edward muttered a string of profanities, his whole body tensing up as his grip tightened on my skin.

"Baby…God this…fuck, this feels so good. Does it hurt? Are you okay? Should I stop? No, it feels good doesn't it? Tell me it feels good…." He was spewing words all over the place, whimpering them, wanting so badly to please me at the same time pleasing himself.

I swallowed, breathing, "It feels so fucking good, Baby. It's so deep. I can feel you everywhere." Edward growled when I spoke those words, spurring him on. He pressed his forehead against mine, when I moved upward with a gasp. Oh god he was so fucking far inside of me.

Then his mouth was everywhere, his hips pushing up into me as we moved together. The intensity was so much that I had to keep stopping every few seconds because inside of me his peen was pressing up against something that felt like fireworks erupting in my cooter. It felt like something really valuable and important going to explode.

"Edward…it's so intense…Jesus, what the fuck is that?" I pushed against him, slightly forward and down, shivering from the sensation pushing through my insides.

"What is what, Baby?" he breathed, or barely breathed rather, sucking on my neck, cupping my bare ass in his hands. "I fucking love your ass. And your tits. Oh god and your pussy…."

"This…when I do this…" I carefully pushed forward again to demonstrate, closing my eyes and almost spazzing out when the sensation hit me again.

Edward looked up at me, a wry smile spreading across his face. "I think my cock's found your G-spot."

"Huh. No kidding," I remarked in surprise. I loved when he said the word _cock_.

_Well your cock better plant a fucking flag there so it can finds its way back to the motherland..._

_Fuck this, I'm making a treasure map...to my OOOOORRRRRgasm._

Edward eyes were alight, suddenly less hooded with lust and dazzled with something else...

"And I'm willing to bet that if you ride me like this, you'll come." He with spoke with so much enthusiasm and hope I had to laugh. It was like he'd discovered the cure for cancer in his own backyard. The poor guy wanted me to come so badly it was bordering on heartbreaking. I toyed with the idea that even if I didn't have an orgasm I would try to fake it, just to feed his hurt ego. But then I didn't want to lie or start a precedent, that every time I didn't come he would be all sad and feeling like less of a man, so I would have to fake it. Boys were confusing. And dumb.

His hands slowly moved up from my hips to my waist, fingertips skimming my spine. They traveled upwards, his thumbs fanning over my nipples to tug at them. I moaned, throwing my head back, feeling like those porn stars that I'd seen on the internet. I didn't feel skanky though. Just really sexy, because the way that Edward was looking at me, it was like I was the only thing in the world in his eyes.

When his hands slid roughly back to my hips, he pushed up into me with a groan at the same time he pressed my body down. I melted into him, biting my bottom lip. "Oh wow…."

I felt the beginnings of the trembling…the vibrating little ripples beginning to build quickly.

"Beautiful, come on…let me feel you come on my cock," he whispered, his tone strained and urgent. I couldn't stop myself from moving on him, his sexy words encouraging me. "Fuck, I love the way your pussy feels."

I knew Edward had a filthy mouth, but this dirty talking was so fucking hot. Who knew my body would respond to it like this?

He pulled his mouth away from my neck and met my eyes. "That's it…go…go faster, Baby."

I rode on top of him, my knees grating into the hard wood beneath them, faster and faster until I felt my whole body tense and seize, a crash of sensation waving through my hair follicles down to my toenails. I exploded around him, pulling roughly on his hair, despite the fact that he'd asked me not to muss it. He didn't protest one bit because I heard him scream into my shoulder, his manicured fingernails digging into my skin. It happened so quickly that I didn't even really have time to process it or think about it. My knees would definitely be bruised in the morning.

I sunk against his panting and sweaty body, neither of us saying anything. The air in the tree house smelled like pine and Edward's cologne and hot sex.

"Oh my god," I murmured when I could finally speak. Then I threw my head back and laughed with joy, because it had felt so fucking good. My whole body was like Jello, numb and wiggly and boneless. I could have stayed there for days.

"Whoa…I can _feel you_ laugh. That's pretty cool," he marveled. I tightened my inner cooter muscles to see if he could feel that too. When Edward's eyes went wide he swallowed hard. "Shit…that was fucking crazy. I could feel you spasming around me. I thought that was only like, a myth or whatever. You know…like in that porn stuff you're always reading on your phone."

"It's not porn, E. It's Fanfiction." I said scoffing.

_Who am I kidding, it is definitely porn._

I didn't let him know it, but I was absolutely elated on the inside, if not just a wee bit smug knowing that _no one_ had ever come like that for him. I was special after all.

After Edward gave himself some literal pats on the back for being such a man, eventually we cleaned up at my house and then he carried me piggyback to his car.

While we drove into Port Angeles with the air conditioning on full blast, I pulled my unruly hair into a knot to keep it at bay. Keeping one eye on the road, Edward leaned over to kiss me, softly brushing his fingers down my exposed neck. He whispered, "So pretty," making me blush.

He dropped his car off at the BMW dealership to have his tires rotated or something stupid like that, then we walked a short way to the pier. I swore that there was a confidence in his swagger that wasn't there before.

We enjoyed lunch on the patio of the restaurant that we'd had our first date at, only this time we held hands across the table and stole little kisses throughout the meal, despite the spicy food leaving our breath less than kissably fresh. Later on a nearby bench overlooking the water, we shared an ice cream cone which earned us some blatant stares and uncomfortable murmurs from people passing by. Yeah, we were a little overtly sexual about it, but come on!

_The boy had just made me come. I think we earned it._

After hitting the bookstore, we strolled along the pier, admiring the handmade wares the merchants were offering. Edward bought me a little sliver bracelet with a charm dangling from the clasp. It was a naked woman kneeling with butterfly wings sprouting from her back, sort of reminiscent of a fairy. The lady said it was a symbol of womanhood and change, and Edward thought it was perfect to mark the occasion and the added element of our newly consummated physical relationship. I had officially traded in my V-card for my fairy bracelet. I was still praying my father wouldn't notice.

We walked hand in hand down to the railing to watch the boats. As we stood there admiring, I realized that he had been the one to orchestrate the entire afternoon, and it suddenly dawned on me that everything we had done was exactly the same as when we'd come down here in the fall. Edward had successfully reenacted our first date, minus my bandaged hand and the necessity to not touch one another. For a minute I let this marinate...why he would do this, and in actuality, how different things between us were now.

When I questioned him about his intentions, he just told me that there were things that he was trying to catch up on, things he was trying to make up to me because of the past. However, I adamantly refused to allow him to do that. I mean, it was one thing that he wanted to make up for lost time, but there was no way I would give back the moments that brought us where we were. If things hadn't gone the exact way they did, who even knew what would have become of us? Maybe if back in October we'd had sex, things wouldn't have worked out. Maybe we would have turned out to be entirely different people.

Okay, so no, I didn't actually believe that, because I felt in my heart and soul that Edward was my forever no matter what, but still the notion wasn't a complete impossibility. I knew, the moment that Edward raised his hand and met mine to the glass at the coffee shop that day that he was an intrinsic part of my soul.

Eventually Edward understood and agreed that we should be perfectly happy with the memories that we had, because the past was the past and the future was bright and beautiful and ours to make whatever we wanted happen under _our_ rules, not some stupid judge's.

**~%~**

The rest of the week was a blur of family outings and…sex. According to Edward, there just wasn't enough time in the day to do what he wanted with me. Since the discovery that I could easily orgasm while on top of him, Edward was excited to experiment with new positions. Of course, I was a willing and eager participant in this research, wanting to not only feel the results of his testing, but to see how far we could get. We figured out, that if he came once right away, on the second (or third) time around he would last longer, which in turn was what I essentially required to have my own release.

I had to say Edward's stamina was pretty incredible, because at one point, we'd been able to do it four times in the span of three hours. I was raw and aching, but I had come three out of the four times, never needing to fake it after all. By Sunday, he'd completely worn me out and my poor aching vagina needed a rest.

_She actually hung out a sign…,"On vacation. Be back in 3 days"._

Edward, on the other hand did not tire. He was an insatiable little fucker and I actually considered lying about having my period to get him to give it a break. Of course, he did back off, grumbling something about how he was forced to jerk off when he had a perfectly good girlfriend to make love with and that Judge Aro was probably laughing at him right now.

_Dumbass._

Despite all the sex, Edward's grandparents flew in midweek for Emmett's graduation. The Cullen's had a big dinner, in which Edward and I helped Esme cook. It came out fantastic and we were very proud of ourselves. Even in front of his mother, Edward was handsy. He was _always_ touching me, grazing some body part of mine with his fingers or brushing against me with deliberate passes as he walked by. Sometimes I felt like it was compulsive. I didn't mind a bit though, except when I was cooking, he would distract me and I'd burn stuff.

On Friday night, Edward played his last game of the season, which I knew he was a little depressed about. But he was going away for a week of baseball camp at the end of August, which _I_ was depressed about.

I sat on his couch leisurely watching him get dressed, admiring his perfect ass in those damn tight baseball pants. I had to try my best to not assault him, even though he had on Tighty Whities underneath, cause that was just…ewwww. But Edward in Tighty Whities was pretty fucking phenomenal nevertheless.

Before the game started, he'd asked for my promise ring, which I gladly slipped off my finger so he could slide it around the leather cord, for his ritualistic practice. Once he took his spot at the pitcher's mound, the sexy bastard pulled it from his shirt, kissed it, then winked at me. And when all the stupid groupies turned to give me the evil eye, I stood proudly wearing Edward's practice jersey emblazoned with his name and number, and screamed, "I love you, Baby! Knock 'em dead!"

Mine. Mine. Alllll Mine.

Edward laughed, giving me a sarcastic thumbs up. I was pretty sure the whole Cullen family moved about a foot away from me in embarrassment and humiliation, but I couldn't find it in me to care. Because I was gonna sleep with the pitcher. And that night, wearing nothing but Edward's jersey, I lay on his bed waiting for him to get out of the shower for my very own personal home run.

He emerged from the bathroom in nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist, glistening water beads still speckled haphazardly along his chest and shoulders. My breath hitched when our eyes eventually met. He was so fucking beautiful. I mean, I said it all the time, and I told him about as often as he told me, but he was absolutely ridiculous standing there wet and almost naked.

When he saw me lying on my stomach, ankles casually crossed in the air, Edward's hands stilled on the towel he was using to dry his hair. I wasn't wearing underwear, and I knew the shirt had ridden up so that my bare ass was visible from where he stood. I tried to use my mind powers to make him drop his towel, but I had forgotten that I didn't have telekinesis, and really, all I needed to do was ask.

"Take that off," I demanded in the sultriest voice I could conjure up. He smirked, pausing a moment, before he loosened the tucked waistband and let it drop to the floor unceremoniously.

"Bella…" He stood there for a moment, rolling his eyes when I made a circle motion with my pointer finger for him to turn around. With his hands propped on his waist, he turned slowly looking over his shoulder at me with a coy smile.

"Come here," I said forcefully. God only knew where my balls had come from, but they were in patent leather clad, flogger wielding dominatrix mode tonight. Obediently, Edward strode over to the bed, sitting down next to me, his still damp skin brushing my legs with warmth.

"I can't even…" Edward shook his head, and then smirked, as he ran his hand up the back of my thigh, firmly cupping my ass cheek in his palm. He lifted the hem of the shirt I was wearing and kissed my tailbone, still kneading my cheek as I hummed in delight. I felt so exposed like this, more so then if I had been completely naked. I don't know why but it felt so naughty.

And I liked it.

A lot.

And when he finally slipped inside of me, I encouraged him to speak naughty, dirty things in my ear, which he did in a breathy voice that gave me goosebumps. Edward fucked me hard that night…I mean _hard_. It was definitely not making love, and it was not sex…it was _fucking_.

I came so hard I saw rainbows.

Then because Charlie was nowhere to be found, and the grownup Cullens seemed oblivious, I fell asleep in Edward's bed, and didn't wake up until the next morning. It was easy to sneak out the balcony, cut through the woods past the tree house, (which I would forever smirk and feel gooey in my lady parts when I saw) and then into my house completely undetected. It would be the first of many, many nights.

Saturday, because the auditorium had a strict capacity limit, we weren't permitted in to see Em graduate, and Gramps forfeited his ticket to give to Rosalie. We did however meet up with everyone at this great little place in Port Angeles called Michael's, which was known for their outstanding molten lava dark chocolate cake dessert thing. I swore that Esme's head was going to explode when she read the description from the menu. She was absolutely humongous now, her face and feet swollen almost beyond recognition. Her wedding ring had been removed about three weeks ago and like her son, she wore it around her neck on a chain, because her fingers had turned into little sausages. I am actually surprised she hadn't tried to eat them with her morning eggs. But she still somehow managed to look amazing.

We toasted to Emmett, going around the table, each of us adding something nice about him. Edward kept it short and sweet, simply saying that he was lucky to have him in his life and that he would be missed more than Edward could ever properly express.

Rosalie excused herself from the table before we got halfway around, and when Alice and I followed after her to the bathroom, she explained through tears that she couldn't deal with Emmett going off to college. I felt so badly for her because it never once dawned on me that she was dealing with his leaving.

Eventually, she calmed down enough to go back and sit with the family. Em greeted her with an outward hand and a heartfelt kiss. His eyes were sad. It occurred to me at that point that he was also stressed and troubled about leaving. I couldn't even fathom what it would be like next year when I had to separate from Edward to go to our respective schools. I felt Edward's hand caress my knee under the table reassuringly, almost like he could read my mind.

Halfway through dinner, Esme made a funny face and patted her stomach, letting out a small but powerful lady like belch.

"Oooh, excuse me," she giggled. "The baby just kicked me hard, that's all," she responded assuredly, placating the worried faces around her. But soon after, I nudged Edward when Esme began taking long breaths, her eyes darting around cautiously as she stole a hand full of fries off Jasper's plate then dousing them with vinegar.

I leaned over, momentarily distracted by Edward's fucktastic scent. "E, your mom looks kinda funny, doesn't she? God, you smell good," I added with a sniff.

Edward looked at me with a quirked brow. "Uh thanks." He placed his napkin down, leaning forward discreetly. "Mom? Are you alright?"

Esme smiled with a dismissive hand wave. "Fine…just a little crampy," she said, stuffing her mouth with a huge bite of crab cake. Everyone paused eating to stare at her. "I'm fine, really. But I do need more hot sauce…and lemons."

Carlisle watched her wince as she swallowed and rubbed her bulging belly. Taking a swig of his Rolling Rock he raised an eyebrow at her "Me Me?"

"I said I'm fine honey," she hissed through gritted teeth. "Are you going to eat that corn?" she asked, pointing to the untouched buttered cob in his plate.

Carlisle leaned over, oddly inspecting the back of her chair. "You're obviously not fine."

Esme rolled her eyes. "I obviously am. Stop being a nudge. Are you going to finish that?" she asked, spearing her husband's half eaten chicken before he could even respond. Poor guy's dinner didn't even stand a chance.

"Meem," he said with a hint of agitation. "You're leaking amniotic fluid all over the restaurant floor, which I am sure they don't appreciate. We need to go to the hospital. Now."

Edward threw his fork down on the plate with a loud clatter and said flatly, "Ew. That's just gross, Mom. I can't eat anymore."

"Ooh! I'll take it!" she beamed, holding out her hands for Edward's discarded meal. Edward cautiously handed her the plate with a scowl.

She rolled her eyes emphatically. "God!" She huffed with irritation. "So my water broke a little. The hospital is right down the street. And I have what? Twenty four hours or something to get to the hospital once my water breaks. Stop worrying _Dr. Cullen."_ She stuffed her mouth again while Carlisle and the rest of us sat there gaping at her.

"Mom, you should really go to the hospital." Jasper said earnestly.

Carlisle rose from his seat, tugging on his wife's arm. "Come on."

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest in indignation. "No."

"Esme, dear, I think it would be best for the baby if you went and were admitted now," Gran said, patting Esme's arm to comfort her. Esme ignored her.

"Esme! What's wrong with you? Go to the damn hospital!" That was Gramps. He'd had a few drinks and was apparently feeling saucy. "I am in no condition to deliver my granddaughter on this table."

She lifted her chin. "I'm not going. Not until I get my dessert."

"Are you serious? Ma we'll, get you five of the damn volcano things and bring them to the hospital. Just go!" Emmett yelled, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

"No…they won't let me have anything to eat once I'm admitted. Just a few more minutes. Oh…ow. Owwwwwww. Ow. I'm okay. I'm okay."

Emmett stood, leaning his palms on the table. "Mom, in a bout two seconds you are going to be carried out of here by your three sons. Would you just go willingly or do we have to use force?"

"I'm not leaving without my dessert," she huffed. I looked over at Edward, who's eyes were wide with disbelief. Pregnant people were apparently stubborn…and apparently really hungry.

The waiter conveniently walked by with a packed dessert tray for the table next to us. Edward grabbed the waiter's arm. "Dude I'll give you a hundred bucks for that chocolate volcano thingie."

With the dish propped on her belly, Esme waved goodbye cheerfully with her fork as Carlisle escorted her out to their car.

We all finished our dinner in haste heading to the hospital eager and excited. After waiting till midnight, we were encouraged to return in the morning, as Esme's labor was progressing slowly. I slept in Edward's bed that night and we made love in the wee hours of the morning. It was but a few minutes after we cleaned up, that Carlisle called.

Claire Elizabeth Cullen had been born, healthy and beautiful like her mother.

_Except for the sausage fingers and the voracious appetite for chocolate lava cake_.

I thought it was so sweet that they'd given her middle name in honor of Carlisle's first wife, Jasper and Emmett's mother. They explained that if it hadn't been for Elizabeth, Carlisle and Esme wouldn't have ever met and they somehow felt like they were brought together purposely by her.

We had gone into the hospital during sibling visiting hours, so we could actually be in the same room as the baby. When we got there, Esme and Carlisle were both on the bed cooing and smiling down at their daughter with love and pride. Em and Rose were there too; Rosalie stood about as far away from the baby as she could get, almost looking like she was ready to bolt out the door screaming at any minute. Kids freaked her out, especially babies with all their loose bodily fluids and loud wails.

Esme looked tired but as beautiful as ever and she beamed when she saw her son walk into that room.

She instructed him to wash his hands before sitting down in the big chair next to the bed. Carlisle passed tiny little Claire to Edward, gingerly placing her into Edward's arms, while Esme gently reassured him to not be afraid. We could see how tentative and nervous he was holding the tiny pink bundle. But once Edward situated the baby comfortably in the crook of his elbow, he smiled down at her, clearing his throat to cover the fact that he had teared up.

It was honestly one of the most beautiful things in the world to see Edward hold his baby sister.

"She's so beautiful," he whispered in absolute awe of his baby sister. As his finger stroked her little pink cheek, I moved closer to them. It was such a beautiful moment. I took a few pictures, none of which Edward would look into the camera for, because his eyes were glossy and rimmed with red.

Esme brushed away her own tears as I wiped mine off my cheeks. We all sort of chuckled at how emotional we had become, but for good reason. When the baby began to fuss, Edward looked panicked, awkwardly moving to hand her back to her parents.

"She probably needs to be burped," Esme said calmly, obviously experienced in this area. "Put her here," she said, patting her shoulder. With slow and careful deliberation, Edward hesitantly did what she asked, picking Claire upright, gasping when the baby nuzzled his jaw. He patted her back gently until she let out a little dainty belch which we all ooohed and awwwed at. Cause baby burps were so cute.

I silently thanked the baby gods knowing that if she would have spit up on him that his days of Claire bonding were over.

Edward's face scrunched up as he stared at her. "She looks like Emmett. It's actually kind of freaky," he remarked with a chuckle. She did look like Emmett; fair skin, dimples, and curly dark hair. "Lord help her if she's built like him."

Eventually, Claire fell asleep, and everyone had situated themselves around the room, focusing on Esme telling the story of her daughter's birth, and how they had to pry the damn chocolate cake out of her hands. I listened with half an ear, more intent on focusing my attention on Edward, who was still stroking his baby sister's little cheek with his index finger. He looked up at me to smile.

"Do you want to hold her?" he asked softly, looking toward his mother for her approval. Esme nodded eagerly. After washing my hands and switching positions with Edward, I held this sweet baby in my arms and I fell in love. She was so perfect, so peaceful. I wondered at that moment who she would become and what great things she would offer the world. I wondered if she would have Carlisle's compassion, or Edward's quiet contemplative nature, or Emmett's wit.

Gran and Gramps, and Alice and Jasper arrived shortly after whereas Edward and I stepped outside because the room was crowded and visiting hours were coming to a close.

That night, we lay in his bed snuggling, talking about the baby and how beautiful she was. We talked about how someday we would have children and we argued how many, because for some god forsaken, bizarre reason Edward thought having _five_ children sounded like a good idea.

I was like, "Uh no…_two_. A boy and a girl. I am not a baby making factory." I wanted my kids to have siblings, but at the same time, I explained how five kids would force me to drive a mini van or a station wagon, or something equally as horrific and that was just _not_ happening. Also, five babies passing through my cooter would stretch it out and having sex would be like Edward sticking his hotdog in a hallway. He didn't like that idea very much, so we compromised on two with the possibility of three if the first two were the same sex. Then we decided to shut the hell up, because we were only sixteen and the absurdity of us even fathoming having a family when we'd been intimate for a little over a week was just dumb.

Edward's birthday was in a few days and I'd asked him if he wanted to do anything special. Of course he rolled on top of me, grabbed my boobs and simply responded, "All I want to _do_ is _you_."

Very helpful.

On the morning of Edward's birthday, I served him breakfast in bed, complete with a single cupcake with one lit candle. I sang Happy Birthday breathy and sultry, Marylyn Monroe style as I stripped, all the while the both of us wearing matching smirks on our faces because I was awkward and stupid.

I also let him eat the overly frosted cupcake off my naked body, in _my_ bed because there was no way in hell that was happening in his. It wasn't exactly as sexy as I'd planned, seeing as how Edward was trying to eat this thing seductively, while making every effort humanly possible to not make a mess. I finally got so frustrated with his snail pace that I smooshed the whole cupcake all over my boobs, squishing in between my fingers. It was completely disgusting, but Edward took one look at me and with a muttered, "Aww, fuck it," he dove right in.

Edward and me…and my entire bed, were covered in chocolate frosting and cake crumbs, which eventually led us to the shower, which eventually led us to fantastic sex under a warm spray. So it wasn't a complete disaster.

He said it was the best birthday he'd ever had. He didn't want to make a huge fuss of the day, because it wasn't that big of a deal to him, as he hated being the center of attention unless it was on a ball field.

At a loss for a gift, I ended up giving him a matted, framed vintage photo of Wrigley Field, which Edward loved and hung in his bedroom next to an enlarged black and white picture of me that I hated but he loved and refused to take down. I also picked up this cool, hand held radar detector, that I saw in one of Charlie's manly gadget catalogues. I thought it would be fun for Edward to use to see how fast he was pitching.

He was so excited about it, that he and Emmett went immediately outside to try it out, while I stayed inside fussing over Claire. I loved her so much already, and I internally wondered when Esme would let me paint her nails pink.

The birthday plan was to cook Edward a very special dinner for two and eat by romantic candlelight, but Charlie with his sporadic schedules, came home unexpectedly thereby removing all the romance. After consulting with Esme, I bought enough ingredients for ten instead, cooking a big dinner at the Cullen's in exchange for our romantic rendezvous.

Halfway through the meal I felt bad that I didn't invite Charlie and Maggie to eat with us, so we invited them for cake and coffee. It was nice actually, to have our families getting along so well after the Vegas debacle. Though I had to give him credit, when Charlie was around, Edward made certain that there was minimal bodily contact as possible. Instead he would grope me under the table and whispered perverted things in my ear, which was equally fun and unnerving.

The weird thing was that Maggie, who had never seemed to express the desire for children, was entranced with Claire. The way her eyes widened and her whole face softened as she looked down upon the baby was almost heartwarming in an odd way. I wondered if she and my father were thinking about having children eventually and the thought that I would have a baby brother or sister both excited me and weirded me out at the same time.

Dinner was a huge success, and not since Thanksgiving did I feel such a sense of pride and accomplishment. Edward was very appreciative of my efforts and I think Gran was happy to have been given a break with the cooking, because like the good grandmother she was, she had been feeding the boys non stop and she was, "Damn tired and too old for this. Oh, and if I'm going to cook, it won't be with this soy crap."

I loved Gran.

After dinner and Edward's favorite chocolate ice cream cake, (which Esme now balked and made gagging noises at) we sat in the den to digest. Esme pulled out a leather covered box which evidently housed old video tapes that she had converted to disc. Edward had been nuzzling my neck and whispering naughty things into my ear, so he wasn't paying attention when she slipped the disc into the DVD player.

Everyone squealed and laughed when the screen showed Edward as a toddler. A very naked toddler.

Let me just say that some things got bigger, I mean _better _with age. And let me also be thankful that Charlie and Maggie had already gone home, because I would have frigging died.

"Ma no! Get this shit off!" he moved to lunge off the couch, but I held him tight in my grip, with some assistance from Emmett, forcing him to stay put.

"I want to see this!" I snapped, giggling at Edward struggling for freedom next to me.

"Me too!" The girls agreed.

"Aww it's my birthday, come on, man!" he whined, slumping back into the couch, resigned to accept the torture of naked home movies of himself. As awkward as it was to watch snippets of my boyfriend naked while in front of his family and my best girlfriends, the shit was adorable and pretty funny. He kept his face hidden and told his mother he was going to pee in all her houseplants.

"Oh my god, how old are you here?" I asked, watching a little Edward wearing little baseball hat turned backwards, skip around the back yard in only his underwear…oddly lumpy underwear.

"Three maybe?" Carlisle answered for his now grumbling, moping son.

In the background, you could hear Carlisle's voice say, "Okay, Eddie, whenever you're ready!" The camera panned to a very young Carlisle who was really frigging hot by the way. Edward would pull a baseball out of his underwear, pitching it to his father who was poised across the yard holding a bat in position. Carlisle cracked the bat against the perfectly pitched ball, the camera panning to Emmett in the outfield looking bored. Edward repeated this seven times until his Spiderman underwear were empty.

"Who's mommy's big boy?" Esme cooed.

He turned to the camera bearing a proud smile full of tiny white teeth. It was the cutest thing ever.

After a few more DVD's were viewed, the boys grew progressively older. We got to watch Christmases and more birthdays and then when it was all three of the boys naked in the bathtub Esme thoughtfully fast forward to a more appropriate and less mortifying scene.

Later that night, we all headed down to the beach, where Tyler, Eric and Connor and the some of the boys from the baseball team had gathered drinking. We all smoked a little weed, the first time in forever, celebrating with the feeling of complete and utter _uncomplication_. Edward was so…loose and easy for lack of a better term. He was laughing with reckless abandon, loudly, and really touchy feely with me, not giving a shit that everyone was there. No one cared, but it felt so freeing to be able to not give a single care about anything at all but each other.

Edward and I walked along the shore barefoot, kissing and hugging under the moonlight. He gave me another piggy back ride, and didn't even get stressed when my bare feet covered his thighs in sand. He set me down carefully on a large weather beaten piece of driftwood, straddling the thick wooden log with his back to me.

"Scratch pleeeease," Edward said in this cute little voice he'd adopted when he wanted some affection from me. He wiggled his shoulders as he lifted his tee-shirt up in the back. This was something he asked me to do a lot. I wondered if he was really itchy, or if he was just making up for the lack of contact all this time. Either way, I loved the little satisfied moaning sounds he made when I dragged my fingernails along his perfect skin and the way he would roll his head back in ecstasy.

"Mmmm, thank you, Love," he said, while I continue to scratch. "I uh…I think I got a job for the summer," he said quietly, looking over his shoulder to gauge my reaction.

"Edward Cullen is actually contributing to society?" I gasped in mock surprise. "Hold, me, I think I might faint." I was slightly disappointed as I thought we'd be spending an unrestricted amount of time together this summer, but I was happy to hear the definite hint of excitement in his voice.

"You are such a smartass." He turned unexpectedly, catching me by the waist, showering me with disgustingly wet kisses as I lay on the log.

"So what will you be gracing the world with?" I asked, thinking he would be filing paperwork in his father's office or something medical related.

"Coach Tanner's wife is running this kids summer camp. He asked me if I was interested in being an assistant coach of sports. They mostly play baseball, so it wouldn't be like a stretch for me."

I sat up abruptly. "Is it sleep away camp?" I asked in alarm, knowing that I would be crushed with the week he was going away for baseball camp, never mind the entire summer.

His hand immediately ran along my knee soothingly. "No, no…it's like nine to twelve every day for five weeks, that's all. Did you think I would leave you alone the whole summer?" He gave me these puppy dog eyes that embarrassed me for my hasty assumptions and my clingy neediness.

"Maybe." I was immediately relieved as he ran his knuckles sweetly along my cheek. I felt stupid. _Insecure much?_

"It's about a mile south of First Beach. I think it's called Camp Poka-twat," he said, scratching his forehead in thought. "Lick-atwat, maybe?"

I blinked at him, suddenly snorting. "Oh my god, you have sex on the brain, you perv. You mean, Camp Po_quatt_?" I corrected. "Alice and I went there until we were in junior high school!"

Edward chuckled silently, obviously finding a great deal of humor in this. "Poquatt, Pokatwatt, same shit. Anyway, they still have openings for counselors. I was thinking that if you got a job there too, then we could like…I don't know…go to work together everyday and then hang out after."

"I have a job already."

"Yeah but, I mean, what are you going to do? Sleep until noon and then watch TV all day? At least you'll be up and out and whatever. Though it would be nice to slip into your bed when I got home after a hard day at the office…well, field." He bit his lip seductively and fingered the hem of my shorts, which had ridden up pretty high. "But there's a lake…and we could uh, you know…maybe go skinny dipping or something."

"Mmmm…I'll look into it," I said genuinely, leaning forward to kiss him.

~%~

Right after Fourth of July weekend, Edward, Alice, Jasper and I drove to Camp Poquott for our orientation day. We'd all secured jobs at the camp, and though the pay was kind of shitty, Edward was right about getting up and out. It turned out that it was a ton of fun, and a great way to meet new people. Plus, it looked awesome on college applications, which because of Rosalie's constant state of gloom, we were reminded of every day. We tried to encourage her to get a summer job as well, but she was adamant about spending every waking second with Emmett until he left for school.

The month of July was short and sweet, mostly filled with wet days and even wetter nights.

_I know…._

On the rare sunny days, we'd all head out to the beach or sometimes we would stick around after the camp let the kids out and swim in the pool with the other counselors, who were mostly high school kids from Forks and the nearby Reservation. Edward and I fooled around behind the main building, in the parking lot, and behind the dugout after the days came to a close so often, we joked that they would have to rename it Camp Pokatwat after all. Camp Suckadick was in the running as well.

Sometimes…because I was a complete masochist, and a terrible person to boot, I would watch Edward when he didn't know I was there, just to see if his eyes would stray to the girls in their bikini's. They never did. He'd talk to other girls if they approached him, but he would never deliberately touch them. I wasn't sure if it was out of respect for me, or if it was just an innate reflex that hadn't yet dissipated.

Slowly, he had been changing…evolving into someone different…a reemergence of Eddie Masen culminating with the already established Edward Cullen, creating an entirely new being from the two personalities. It sounded so bad eighties sci-fi movie, but it was true. I watched him morph from this withdrawn, angry, sullen boy to this beautiful, witty, charismatic young man. And I had never loved him more.

He exuded an air of confidence and vivaciousness in his posture and in his walk. He was friendly to everyone and he smiled all the time. Sometimes I'd ask him what he was so randomly happy about and he would just respond, "Nothing in particular," as he pulled me to him for a kiss. I thought he was just appreciative to have his life back.

Sadly, the brooding sexiness was all but gone…except when I told him I missed it. Sometimes he would act all emo and pissed off just to entice me, which was actually pretty funny, because he was a terrible actor and he just came off looking like he was constipated. Didn't stop me from jumping his bones, mind you.

It was so, so nice to see him out of his shell in that respect, but I think it was primarily what had happened between him and Tanya that had left me traumatized with this festering, poisonous residue of mistrust. And I trusted Edward, I truly did. It was the girls that I didn't want to turn my back on, because I had seen the way they all looked at him with lascivious stares, especially when he was out on the field with the kids, teaching them how to play ball.

Apparently baseball was an aphrodisiac.

But see, Edward was oblivious to it, he really was. He had no idea how attractive he was, and he didn't seem to be able to recognize when a girl was explicitly flirting with him. It drove me nuts how smart he could be inside of a classroom, but on the street he was like a lost fucking three year old.

I had seen the blatant gaping and the dirty looks that I received for being the object that prevented them from getting their claws into him. But time and time again, even though I tried so hard to mask my insecurities, Edward would always have a sixth sense about it. Without a word from me, he would do things like extreme PDA's and blowing me kisses while he was working, even though he would get shit from the other guys for it.

A lot of the time, because it would make me nuts, I'd simply approach him while he was talking to another girl, wrap my arm around him and give whoever it was a sweet smile while silently seething on the inside. Edward always reciprocated the gesture, instantly bringing me into the conversation. I tried not to be clingy, I really did. I just couldn't help it. And I felt like shit because Edward wasn't flirting or doing anything inappropriate. He was just _talking _for Christ sake….

But I was so thankful that Edward understood, because often, he'd do the same thing to me if I was talking to one of the other male counselors. Without there ever being a discussion, it seemed that we had a balance, though I think it bothered me more than it did Edward. And that kind of troubled me too. Did he not care as much as I did?

I tried very hard to not seem like I crazy possessive girlfriend, even though I knew damn well I was. However, the thing with Tanya was still a problem for me and I didn't feel like I could ever hide that from Edward.

The day of Claire's baprism really opened Edward's eyes to just how much damage his former relationship with Tanya had done to me. Esme and Carlisle had Claire baptized while Gran and Gramps were still in Forks. After the beautiful ceremony at the little church in town, there was a small party at a Michael's in Port Angeles, the same restaurant that she'd gone into labor with Claire in.

The day was lovely: Claire in her tiny off white antique gown and Esme and Carlisle beaming at her, friends and family gathered together to celebrate. Everything was going fine as it should have been when all of a sudden, Edward froze in place next to me, pulling me close to his side.

He muttered, "Fuck," under his breath. Then the three of us stood staring with narrowed eyes at one another in this completely awkward moment that everyone around us seemed to notice. It turned out that while Tanya's parents were invited, Tanya and her sister weren't and there was obviously a grave misunderstanding over this.

Edward didn't so much as acknowledge her, staying by my side the duration of the party. However, I no longer wanted to be there. I was so uncomfortable under her inappropriate scrutinizing glare that I was nauseous. I mean, every time I looked over at her she was sneering at me. I couldn't figure out why the fuck she even came if she was just going to be miserable all night, in turn making me and Edward miserable as well.

The girls tried calming me down, but in the end, I just ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom and Edward took me home, effectively ending the night early.

As we drove home in dead silence, I was so ashamed that I had fallen apart at the sight of her, when Edward had stayed resolute and strong. I hated that I was weakened with the images of her on top of Edward which led to horrific visuals of Edward high and trembling and ugh…I would always have that memory. I hated that even though I knew he had done everything in his power to reassure me of his love and fidelity, I was a fucking wreck. And so I needlessly fought with him over it, until he was frustrated and I was exhausted…for doing this to him and for being so fucking pathetically weak.

He'd been so patient with me, much as I had been with him in the past, but he clearly was able to see that there was more to this than I had let on. The sad part was that I didn't even know it myself. He never loved her…he didn't even want her in his life. Why the hell did this bother me so much? Why did I feel anger and resentment when he would have simple conversations with other girls? Why the fuck was I so afraid of him leaving me?

But it was only after a party one Sunday afternoon, when I was standing there in a big poufy Cinderella dress, with Edward waiting across the street to pick me up that it hit me. He smiled at me brightly, giving me a small wave, and my whole world halted to a complete stop in one breath.

I loved him.

He loved me.

But….

It didn't matter how much he treated me like his princess, no matter how many times he would come to my rescue on his white horse or his white Porsche or whatever, no matter how hard I made wishes on stars…life wasn't a fucking fairytale. This was real and it was hard and people had issues they needed to cope with.

Edward had issues.

I had issues. Issues that had never really been addressed since I'd moved away from them.

Edward and I had been through so much in the time we were together and before we even met that it was naïve and unrealistic to think that all of our problems would magically be erased with the simple wave of a wand or the replacing of a negative environment, or dissolution of a court issued piece of paper.

I discovered that it was so much easier to forgive than it was to forget, and though I had forgiven Edward for his past transgressions, maybe I would always have visions of Edward with another girl in his lap. Maybe I would never _really_ get over this feeling of betrayal. Maybe I just needed more time to forget.

Maybe I needed a fucking lobotomy.

But I knew I had to stop being so jealous and possessive of him. If I had to hide it I would, because I would do anything, and I mean _anything_ to keep us together. It was so fucking ironic that now that I had Edward in my life where I had always wanted him, that my little bits of insecure insanity would be what would ultimately drive him away.

I would be damned if was _my_ stupid issues that were the reason Edward left _me_ this time.

**~%~**

**Rec Time: **

**The Woods Are Lovely Dark and Deep by bananapancakes7- This is a serious, angstyish drama that has a human Edward and Bella hanging out in a remote lodge in the woods, telling each other of their dark, shitty pasts. There are some ominous hints of vampires too, but Bananapancakes has given us no indication of where the storyline will lead to in that respect. Aside from the generally sober tone of the story, Bella has hands down the funniest inner (and sometimes outer) musings **_**ever**_**. I am snorting my way through this well written- keeps you on the edge of your seat-heartbreaking, surprisingly funnyass story. **

**Stampede of Thousand Pulses by ss10- Edward is addicted to drugs, Bella is addicted to Edward. I am addicted to the story. It's beautiful and painfully heartbreaking and I loooove it. This will knock you on your ass.**

**War of the Roses, by Edwardandbellabelong2gether- Cheating Edward gets caught…and it's only a few chapters in. Well written and angsty. **

**Fuggiasco by kdc2239- (The Italian word for fugitive). Edward has been homeless and living on the streets since he was twelve. Bella is bruised and beaten, scared to death, but clings to Edward once she meets him. There are only five chapters up, but it's gripping and realistic and well written. Nothing is sugarcoated here.**

**Ugly By Silver Sniper of Night- This is new and only a few chapters in. Edward is disfigured. "They say beauty is only skin deep. Well, I'm not sure about that." A woman who sees the world in perfection and imperfection, and the man who cannot see either find have more in common than they could have believed.**


	41. Chapter 41 Changes

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. **

**Erika and Suzy...you know what you did:)**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 41~ Changes**

**Life Lessons**

**You may have thought I didn't see,  
Or that I hadn't heard,  
Life lessons that you taught to me,  
But I got every word.**

**Perhaps you thought I missed it all,  
And that we'd grow apart,  
But Dad, I picked up everything,  
It's written on my heart.**

**Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be  
The man I am today;  
You built a strong foundation  
No one can take away.**

**I've grown up with your values,  
And I'm very glad I did;  
So here's to you, dear father,  
From your forever grateful kid.**

_**By Joanna Fuchs**_

**~Edward~**

With one hand on her hip and the other jabbing at the air in my direction she said, "I can not believe you tricked me into coming over here to change Claire's diaper! I have a butt load of laundry to do before we go and I'm not even a little packed, Edward! We're leaving tomorrow morning!" She stamped her foot on the hardwood while throwing up both hands in exasperation.

Oh, she was so cute when she was like this. Maybe a little scary too.

"But…" I spluttered, knowing that I had no real defense whatsoever here. I had Claire lying against my chest, patting her back because she was crying and obviously needed to be changed. My mother had left her in my care for an hour while she ran into town. She specifically said that Claire was supposed to _sleep _while she was gone…not wake up and poop herself five minutes after she pulled away from our driveway. I didn't care for unpredictability, not one bit.

It aggravated me because my mom was always going on and on about how Claire was on a schedule for this thing and that. Apparently her schedule did not apply to pooping. My mother knew how awkward and uncomfortable it was for me to do the diaper thing, not just because I couldn't tolerate the mess. She was certainly going to hear about it.

"No buts, E. I take birth control pills ever damn day so that I don't _have _to do this! Jesus…you could have just said you needed help. You didn't have to lie about missing me to get me to come here," she muttered, all angry and lock jawed, and evidently hurt by my deception. "Is this what you're going to do when we have kids, huh? Let them sit in poopy diapers until I get home?"

I cringed at the unusual harshness in her tone. I didn't like when she was pissed at me; it made me feel like shit. However, I did notice the fact that she had said, _When_ we have kids, not _if_… That made me smile a little despite the humility of being chastised.

"I'm just…I'm not good at it and it makes me really uncomfortable. I'm sorry you're mad, and I didn't mean to be deceitful, but it's not a lie that I missed you." Pulling out the big guns, I shot Bella this look that I knew damn well made her knees weak. It was the sad puppy dog eyes-I'm so vulnerable right now and I need your help to survive-look. She huffed, holding out her arms, taking Claire as I gingerly handed her over with gratitude.

It was unfair of me to give her the look, but I knew my girl's weak spots just as she knew mine. It was sort of a give and take thing with us…but that's what love was in my opinion—picking up where the other slacked off and vice versa.

Okay, so calling her over was definitely shitty, no pun intended, but it really did cause me a certain level of discomfort when changing diapers in general. The pee ones were mostly tolerable, but the poopy ones were unacceptably disgusting since she was breastfed and her emissions were the color and consistency of a mac and cheese casserole.

The aforementioned had been officially added to the list of things I automatically gagged at the sight of.

But the big thing was the fact that Claire had this like…teeny tiny vaginy. It seemed totally inappropriate for me to be near my little sister like that. After my history...it just wasn't something I was at ease with doing…at all. Even if nothing had ever happened in Chicago, I still wouldn't be comfortable doing it. I knew for a fact that Em and Jasper both avoided it like herpes on prom night and neither of them had any sort of sordid past.

I watched from a distance as Bella brought the baby to the far corner of the kitchen where the changing table that had been custom made to match the kitchen cabinetry was set. She laid her down as she spoke to her in a sing-songy voice which immediately calmed Claire's tears. As Bella patiently and lovingly cleaned her all up for me, my heart sort of stalled.

I loved my girl so much and though I never seriously thought about having my own family before, I knew without a doubt in my mind that I wanted this with her. A chunk of hair fell into her face, so I moved closer to tuck it behind her ear so it wouldn't be in her way. Bella smiled up at me despite the fact that she was annoyed, closing the little snaps on the baby's onesie thing. Then she put the baby's feet in her face sniffing them playfully as she cooed to Claire about her "Stinky toesie woesies."

She held out the soiled diaper wordlessly indicating that I should dispose of it, but I just stared at the offensive bundle incredulously. Finally, after I knew she had no qualms about standing there all day with her hand on her hip tapping the floor impatiently with her shoe, repeatedly huffing and rolling her eyes at me just to make a point, I took the diaper between two fingers dropping it into the diaper pail with my face scrunched up. Fucking gross.

What was even grosser was that when I twisted the top of the diaper genie thing, it made a link of poop sausages. Another thing added to the list. I was gonna starve to death pretty soon.

"Are you packed yet?" Bella asked, cradling the baby to her shoulder while swaying her hips back and forth to rock her. It was weird, because I had seen Alice do this, and my grandma and my mom too. I wondered idly if women were born with like an interior maternal metronome or something.

I nodded as I reached out, touching the pink ruffles on Claire's puffy little butt. Bella was so natural at this care taking thing although she said she'd babysat before but never for an infant this young. She wasn't nervous or weirded out by Claire, like I was and I spent time with her every day.

"Oh yeah, dumb question. Let me guess, you've been packed for at least a week, right?"

I nodded again sheepishly, choosing to omit that I had been packed for almost two weeks. I liked order and predictability; things I could control. And I hated going away and not having all the comforts of home.

"Are you mad that I asked you to you come here?" I asked, looking down at the floor, glancing up at her sheepishly with one eye.

She paused a second to think about her answer. "No, but I so totally should be. I'd rather you called then let her sit like that screaming until you're mom got home. But E…you really need to get over this. No one is going to accuse you of molesting your sister, I promise." Bella reached out with her free hand, rubbing my bicep affectionately. As pissed as she was, she completely understood my reasoning.

"I know. I've been meaning to bring it up with Dr. Kate but I keep forgetting to." Since the restraining order had been dropped, I stopped going to that stupid useless drug counseling group that did nothing but make me feel shitty about myself. I had made the decision on my own to continue with therapy, because I knew that I still had a lot of issues to work on and I had been making a tremendous amount of progress. It didn't make sense to stop because the law said I no longer required it.

I smiled, leaning to kiss Bella softly on the lips, Claire sandwiched between us. I wondered if it would be like this once we had our own baby. Not that I wanted this any time soon, because I had medical school to worry about first and we were way too young to even think of something this monumental in our lives. And though Bella was still unsure of which career path she was going to take, eventually we both knew it would happen for us.

"You know that when you're ninety and you shit your Depends, I'm gonna make sure you stay like that just to see how it feels."

"If I start shitting my pants and I require the use of adult diapers, please just kill me. Put cyanide in my Geritol."

"Do you want me to stay until your mom gets back?" she asked softly chuckling under her breath.

I smiled when I realized that I was forgiven. "Yes, please. Are you hungry? I can make you something," I offered proudly. "Peanut butter and jelly hearts?"

Bella smiled, as she strapped Claire into her bouncy seat thing and turned on the vibrating mechanism. "How about peanut butter and jelly Statue of Liberties to pay homage to our trip?"

I rolled my eyes. "How about hearts because we love New York?"

"Oh, I know! You could make little Empire State Buildings…" she nodded her head as though it was the most clever thing in the world.

"How about hearts and you stop suggesting impossibly difficult shapes for me to cut sandwiches into?"

"Fine…but only if it's an anatomical heart."

Now she was just being a pain in the ass; evidently revenge for interrupting her packing. "You want to eat an anatomical heart that oozes strawberry jelly? That's just fucking gross. You're getting squares and I'm not cutting the crusts off either."

She countered, "And that's the last time I ever change Claire's diaper for you."

"One anatomical oozing heart coming right up," I scowled, knowing that I had been beaten.

She won every time. Damn her.

"Uh...Bella? You did wash your hands. Twice. Right?"

**~%~**

That next morning before most of the world was even awake, I stood in my doorway clutching my carry on back pack. Charlie's truck was idling quietly outside on the driveway while the rain came down in sheets. He'd already come to my front door to grab my suitcase and laptop bag, a gesture which completely surprised me because of how irritated he was about this trip. He grunted by way of greeting, but he didn't hit me or threaten me in any way, so I figured that Charlie must have been in a good mood.

I wondered if this was how Neanderthal Man communicated. One grunt for hello, let me take your rock...two grunts for goodbye, keep your dick out of my offspring.

There had been this big argument with Bella screaming and having this hilariously dramatic tantrum while Charlie's arms folded defiantly across his chest. I mean, at that point it was just ridiculous. What did it even mater if we were going away together? It wasn't the first time, and likely wouldn't be the last.

Though, I could understand to a certain extent Charlie's issue with us. It was obvious by the simple matter of our body language and how much time Bella and I spent together that we were not just holding hands. He used the excuse that New York was a very dangerous place and neither of us were mature enough or street savvy enough to handle an emergency. She had to remind him that not only had I been born and raised in the city of Chicago, but that she had lived in Manhattan for a while and that the overwhelming vastness of the city wasn't a big deal to either of us.

At the last minute Bella pulled out the Daddy's Girl card, telling him that no matter what she would always be his little girl and that he had to allow her to grow up sometime. He shook his head and tentatively accepted her hug while I watched from across the room sucking in my cheeks to suppress a smile at the contrived orchestration. It actually made me feel better about being so pussy whipped, because he couldn't say no to her either.

I had to give her credit—she got him to cave without having to mention periods, or unplanned pregnancies, or her final plan…eloping. Of course we wouldn't dare run off attempting to get married again, and I thought that perhaps the threat would backfire and he would forbid her to see me again. But I think it was just time that he had realized Bella was a few weeks shy of seventeen and that she was practically a grown woman.

My mom gave me a kiss and a squeeze goodbye, teary eyed as usual whenever I left her for an extended amount of time. We would be spending five days in New York, another ten in California and then as soon as my plane hit Sea-Tac, I'd be shooting straight to baseball camp in Seattle for a week, while Bella stayed behind at her mother's. I had never been away from my family for that long before.

I pressed a soft kiss to Claire's head and made my mom promise to Skype because I didn't want to miss anything. It was with a certain degree of awkwardness that my father and I departed. He hugged me tightly, the emotion he was feeling conveyed through the embrace and the way he even gave me a dad kiss on my cheek. I understood that my going to meet my biological father must have been hard for him if not weird. It was certainly that way for me.

I felt as though I needed to reassure him in some way. "Dad, you know this won't ever change anything, right? I mean, I'm just going…"

I didn't need to finish before he shut his eyes, clapping a hand on my shoulder. "_I_ am your father. I always have been and I always will be. Go…have a great time and call us when you land. I love you, son."

"I love you too," I said, giving him another hug.

"Don't you dare call him Dad!" he yelled after me, with a smile. I knew he was kidding, but he knew I would only ever have one dad. I was a Cullen. Always had been, always would be.

At the departure gates, Charlie must have hugged Bella five times. It had gotten to the point that she was rolling her eyes and getting annoyed at his clinginess. Finally, she broke away from him, grabbing my hand as I promised to take good care of her. He informed me in the car that if anything happened to her he would castrate me. I thought that was fair.

We landed uneventfully into JFK in the early evening, hungry and achy after sitting so long, despite the comforts of First Class accommodations. Edward Sr. had arranged for a car to transport us to our hotel. We wouldn't be meeting him until the following evening for dinner, as he had obligations with work which bothered Bella because she felt as thought it was shitty to not greet his own son whom he had never met in person. However, it was more than fine with me and I had the feeling that he wanted us to get settled in comfortably before the big meet and greet. My stomach was already queasy with anxiety of finally being introduced to him and his family…my little sister.

I don't know why I was so nervous but I was well aware that it was ridiculous. We had spoken on the phone and through emails countless times since I'd asked him for his permission to get married. But every time I thought about our first handshake it gave me butterflies and made my palms sweat. I was thankful that I had brought along a few Xanax in case the plane ride went awry, telling myself that they were for Bella's benefit, but I was only tying to deceive myself with the anxiety I knew I would inevitably have.

The last time I had been in New York was under a very different set of circumstances, the short stay not allowing me to enjoy or appreciate any of the sights. The W Hotel, which came highly recommended by Edward Sr. was smack in the center of Times Square. Bella thought since we'd be doing a lot of sightseeing that this centralized location would be the most convenient. It was only a few blocks to where Edward Sr. lived in on the Upper West Side, so we wouldn't have to bother with obtaining transportation to meet him.

To be honest, I didn't want or expect to spend all five days with my estranged biological father and his family. Neither of us had any idea if it would even be reasonable to plan out any type of set itinerary because we didn't know if things would be awkward and strange once we finally met, and then we would be stuck together. Without ever having to mention this concern, Edward Sr. had kept things causal, telling me that he made definitive arrangements freeing up Tuesday evening as well as all day Thursday, mentioning something about taking Kimberly to the Zoo at Central Park and possibly a trip to the Met before dinner.

I was certain that if things went well, he would free up the rest of his schedule, because from our conversations I knew in no uncertain terms that he wanted to see me. This was, after all his idea and he couldn't possibly be that much of a prick to fly me out here just to spend a few obligatory hours before sending me on my merry way.

Otherwise, spending two out of the five days was more than sufficient in my eyes. I didn't bring any more Xanax than that.

We made immediate phone calls to our overly concerned parents when we landed and I promised my mother I would call her after I had met with Edward Sr. She was anxious to know how things would transpire between us, as was I.

As the Town car wove deftly through the streets busy with traffic, Bella's eyes lit up and her smile was about as bright as the lights on the skyscrapers she was gazing up at. She said she'd missed this place so much. I never really saw her as a big city kind of girl, because she was so at home in natural greens of Forks. I suppose that she was a chameleon of sorts, seeing as how she pretty much toured the States with her mom after they left Washington and she had no choice but to acclimate to the locations Renee had settled them into.

Bella was eager to show me all of the places that made this city so great and I thought it was nice for her to be taking the reins for once. I was too nervous to worry about keeping her entertained and making sure the trip was purposeful and enjoyable for Bella while I was busying myself shitting my pants at the mere thought of meeting my father face to face.

After checking in and inspecting the room and the view off the balcony in awe, Bella forced me away from unpacking my suitcase to eat. We hit Planet Hollywood for dinner, which Bella scoffed at, telling me that it was blasphemous to go to a shitty chain restaurant while in a culinary mecca. But I was kind of in the mood for a fun and light atmosphere, with my nerves being as they were and if we went any place romantic, I didn't think I would be able to provide the charismatic and passionate Edward that Bella would expect.

The food was decent despite it being a shitty chain, but the surroundings were fun and kept me distracted for the most part. After we ate, we strolled around the streets, teeming with people and frenetic energy and heat. I had forgotten how damn hot a big city could remain even as the sun set. It was muggy and close, and we laughed as we wiped our sweaty palms on our clothes after holding hands for a bit.

Bella and I sipped gourmet iced coffee to cool down and ate fresh Italian pastries from a bag looking ridiculously touristy as we took photos in front of the building where they drop the New Years Eve ball. I asked some lady who was walking past to take a picture of the two of us, and Bella and I watched with gaping open mouths as she responded by graciously giving us the finger. Ah, friendly New York.

At least she didn't say yes, then steal my camera.

Unfortunately later that night, Bella was too exhausted to fool around despite the availability of the fucking fantastic king sized bed and a Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. She ended up falling asleep on my shoulder while I watched television. I had been distracted by the way she breathed; stroking her hair softly and occasionally placing kisses on her head, more interested in touching my girl than what watching the crap was on the screen. When she stirred, she whispered a lazy, "Mmmm, I love you," and that was enough to make my night.

**~%~**

As the sun rose low against the city skyline, I stepped out onto the balcony to take advantage of the morning view. Though the air was sticky with heat and humidity and a cacophony of smells of the city were wafting upward, I inhaled deeply just taking a moment to reflect on the blessings in my life.

I smiled at the thought of Claire, still sleeping peacefully in her little pink cradle next to my parents. I wondered what my little sister Kimberly would be like, and if she would take to me. My thoughts turned to my brothers who had been surprisingly supportive of this trip, even though to me it felt like a betrayal to Carlisle, the only man I would even consider my father. I'd wondered briefly if Charlotte had received my letter that took months to compose and if my words had given gave her any sense of peace. And I thought of my girl, my best friend, the person that I would give my life for…still wrapped in the white hotel sheets.

When I stepped out of the shower I was met by a sleepy faced Bella, hair crazy as she stifled a yawn. She handed me my phone, irritated that the ringing had woken her up so early on her vacation. Though her eyes were barely open, she peeked up at me while she peed unabashedly on the toilet. Bella finished up, placing a kiss on my damp hipbone and squeezed my ass before moping back into the bed.

After being intimate with one another in my car, and hers, the woods, the tree house, her room, mine, my pool, the bleachers behind the camp and countless other locations, we had pretty much grown accustomed to one another's naked flesh, cleaning off sexual fluids and attending to necessary bodily functions so much to the point that we were completely comfortable with one another.

We were like an old married couple…or like monkeys that picked bugs out of each other's hair.

As I dried off one handed, I listened to the message. Edward Sr. wanted to meet me for coffee downstairs in an hour. The phone rattled softly against the fingernails in my shaking hand. After a minute or so of complete panic, I stepped into the bedroom, holding the hotel towel in place around my waist.

"Baby? It was Edward…he wants to meet me for coffee...what do I tell him?"

As she rolled over, one of her boobs popped out of her little tank top, resting on the mattress. I couldn't help but stare at it. "Do you want to go?"

I shrugged, not really knowing the answer to that. My heart was pounding ferociously as it was, and I didn't want to have to take a Xanax just to meet him for coffee. However, I did like the idea of our first meeting to be without the fanfare of company.

"He apologized for the short notice, but he said he had a meeting in the area and he wanted to meet with me alone…before his wife and daughter were with him. I guess I should go, right? It would be rude…."

"You should do whatever makes you comfortable," she replied simply. "Personally, I think you should go just to break the ice a bit. I mean, maybe he's doing this because he's as nervous as you are. If you want, I could meet you down there after a while to like…save you or whatever."

Without hesitation, I nodded smiling, thinking that it would be perfect if she gave us a few minutes alone and then met us there before we set out on our day. After I made a brief call to Edward, I finished my morning routine taking intermittent deep breaths to calm myself. They weren't working.

"E…what are you wearing?" she asked with a cringe while I hastily swiped the little hotel lint brush over my legs.

I looked down at the black dress pants and pale green button up shirt I'd chosen. It was our first meeting and I'd wanted to make a good impression, so I'd gone a little formal that I normally would have for this time of day.

"What, no good?"

"Baby, you're meeting for breakfast, not a mergers and acquisitions meeting." She hopped off the bed, opening the chest of drawers with my clothing in them. "Save that for dinner tonight. Here, wear these." She placed a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a white short sleeved button up shirt on the bed. "It's like a hundred and fifty degrees out there and you don't want to look like a tool."

I took a deep breath wondering what the fuck I was so crazy about. He was only a man after all. But he was the man that wanted nothing to do with me, or so I had been led to believe for so long.

"Hey do you even know what mergers and acquisitions are?' I teased as I disrobed, finally able to take a deep breath.

"Uh, not really, but it sounds very much like something Daddy Dearest would partake in."

Bella had taken to calling Edward that because she didn't like the confusion of us having both the same name. I didn't particularly like it, but the way she said the name with and English flair was funny, so I didn't make a big deal over it.

"Is this better?" I asked regarding my change of clothes, as I checked my watch. I still had about twenty minutes until he expected me. I wasn't certain if I wanted to arrive first or have him do the honors, but for the first time in a long time I craved a cigarette. I thought that maybe I could run to the drug store across the street, have a smoke and then get this underway. But Bella's smile distracted me.

"You look great. Are you okay now?" she asked cautiously. I nodded, grabbing my phone, sunglasses, and a few twenties, jamming them into my back pocket. I kissed her lips softly before whispering my love for her. She agreed to meet me downstairs in the hotel café in forty minutes.

The door shut behind me with a click. I took twenty two steps toward the elevator and pressed the arrow down.

As I watched the numbers accelerate, my vision blurred as the walls began to move in, closing me into the tight space. I clawed at the collar of my shirt, trying to get access to the air that would not come into my lungs. I told myself it was only a panic attack…that I would be fine, that I wasn't dying and that it was all in my head, but it didn't matter. As I pressed my forehead against the cool textured wall finding no relief in the temperature on my clammy skin, I knew I needed to get back to the room before I passed the fuck out.

"Bella!" I called out for her, feeling helpless and weak, my voice but a shadow of what normally would be heard from my mouth. With my hand clutching my neck, I was able to make my way back to the room, only to realize that I hadn't brought the goddamn key card. Bella opened the door, dripping and wrapped in a towel after two minutes of my incessant pounding. It had seemed like forever that I was waiting for her to answer and I was close to tears. Even though the occurrence and severity of the attacks had gotten much, much better over time, living like this was so fucking frustrating.

The panic hadn't subsided at all, in fact it had only gotten exponentially worse when I realized that the hotel staff could probably see me acting like a fucking lunatic on their security cameras and call the police, or worse, another guest would think I was trying to hurt Bella.

She stood for a second gaping at me until her eyes showed that she understood what was happening. Bella finally pulled me inside, backing me against the wall as I tried desperately to catch my breath.

"Edward, look at me, Baby. Look at my face. You need to breathe…slowly… in through your nose, out through your mouth."

I could hear what she was saying but none of her words were completely registering with me. I couldn't look at her eyes because I knew my attacks scared her and reminded us both of the night I did too much coke and that made me feel terribly ashamed for my past sins.

Her voice was soothing, as were her caresses, hands cupping my face, palm in circles against my back, and then gentle kisses on my neck as she lead me to a chair and held me in her arms. It didn't escape my notice that even though I couldn't breathe or focus on anything in particular except the choking disconnected feelings that were wracking my body, never once did she fuck with my hair.

My face leaned into hers; instinctually craving her touch like it was drawn to hers by invisible force.

I was thoroughly distracted by her little whimpers and moans as her warm lips met my clammy skin. I could feel my breathing slow down along with my rapid heart rate and the wave of calm spread through my limbs as her soft kisses on my neck gradually turned into nips and sucks. My groin tingled involuntarily with pleasure but it was entirely odd to allow something erotic to overcome the shitty panic feelings.

I took a few slow, deep breaths, watching the fabric move away from my skin as she slowly unbuttoned my shirt, pulling it down my shoulders and laying it neatly on the bed next to the chair. Bella's mouth pressed to my nipple, fondling the silver ring with her teeth. I leaned back and let her do whatever the fuck she wanted with me.

God her mouth felt so fucking good. The sound of metal clinking against her teeth kept me grounded as the sensations overtook my body. When she looked up, her eyes were hooded with want.

"E…I want you to be inside of me right now, please," she panted against my skin.

I was genuinely surprised by this. I had no idea what the fuck possessed her to turn my panic attack into some sort of bizarre sexual escapade, but as her hands trailed all over my chest and stomach and then eventually moved to unbutton my pants, I pulled away her damp towel and engulfed her nipple in my mouth giving her my answer. I wondered if my weakened state of pathetic helplessness turned her on or something. She arched her back into me, breasts in my face letting me have her the way I needed her….

I realized that she was either trying to distract me or she was attempting to inconspicuously hand me some control back, effectively causing the panic to evaporate. I fucking loved her for that because whatever her intention, it was effective.

"Bella…" I breathed holding her lower back as I stood from the chair. My shorts fell in a pool of cotton around my ankles as I moved her to the bed, laying her on her back atop the mussed covers. My breathing was labored again, but for an entirely different reason. I wanted to fuck her hard and fast and from behind if she'd let me. I wanted to grip her hips and savor the sound of the flesh of her ass cheeks slapping against my hips as I pounded into her. We hadn't done it like that often, maybe only once or twice, but Bella joked and said she liked to be ravaged by me.

I leaned down on top of her, sucking and biting gently on her bottom lip.

"Baby, I need…I want to…."

_Will you let me fuck you… can I fuck you hard?_

"Can I be a little rough?"

I was almost ashamed as the words left my mouth because I knew she wouldn't say no to me under the circumstances. In fact, she wouldn't say no to me regardless. Whatever I wanted she gave to me, whenever I wanted it, and usually I took it always making sure I reciprocated plentifully. I always wanted her to be happy and to feel loved and cherished, but now I needed her to let me fuck her…all the while feeling like shit because I knew she absolutely wouldn't say no to my pleas.

She nodded with a panted, "Yes," and a shy grin, tightly wrapping her thighs around my waist, my erect cock resting in the wet slit of her pussy. Bella hooked her toes into my underwear, deftly pulling them down over my ass. I discarded them to the side of the room, looking into her eyes. I wanted her from behind.

"Can you get on your hands and knees?" I commanded softly. Bella liked when I was forceful with both my words and my actions in bed and to be truthful, I did too. It gave me this sense of power that I couldn't really have otherwise. It was almost like being out on the pitcher's mound, controlling every movement and taunting the batter to "chase" my pitch.

Knowing I was with a willing partner who wanted it as much as I did and I would never, ever, do anything to degrade or harm her in the process of my ego boost was like fucking flying. It was rare that I behaved like this with her, because I felt like it was borderline abusing my power, and with my background I still had a lot of issues to attend to regarding control and power and having a female submit to me during sex. But Bella didn't feel that way at all. My girl was kinky and she was always trying to get me to do funky shit with her, which I must say that I didn't mind and found delightfully refreshing most of the time. She didn't appreciate or tolerate me bossing her around on a regular basis, but in bed…she was all for it.

The first couple of weeks after her first time, we fucked a lot. Like several times a day because I wanted her to have an orgasm with me inside of her and the blow to my self-esteem had gotten the better of me, inevitably leading to marathon sex which left her raw and begging for a break. Once she finally did come, it was like the sexually kinky floodgates opened, making anything and everything game. We fucked outside, in the water, in the car…you name it. She bought a book of positions and she was always trying to get me to do new shit.

Because all her friends had been so verbally descriptive with Bella, and told her that she just _had_ to try it out, she had been asking about anal penetration or "buttsecks" as she referred to it. Though I had a definite curiosity about it, I had been extremely reluctant to even discuss it with her at this point. Okay, I outright refused.

After only two months of being together, we just weren't there yet emotionally and physically. To be perfectly honest, I didn't think I could handle the uh…clean up part of the act. I shuddered at the thought of the mess that would make and I knew it could potentially scar me for life. Besides the fact that I just wasn't ready to give her _that_ kind of pain or hear her whimper in displeasure because of anything I did to her. Taking her virginity was one thing, but that was well…I thought perhaps it would be best left to the more experienced. I wasn't saying no, just not yet.

And it wasn't something that I would or could ever discuss with Dr. Kate. I mean what? "So Dr. Kate, this week I'd like to focus our discussion on how I really want to fuck my girlfriend's ass however, I am not only afraid to hurt her, but the aftermath of her oozing orifices freaks me the fuck out."

Yeah…so not gonna happen.

Nevertheless, the thought of her letting me fuck her like, giving herself so intimately to me and only me in that way turned me the fuck on and was the source of many a fantasy on the nights when she wasn't there to be my reality.

I trailed my fingers down her ass cheeks, spreading them open and then with a small amount of hesitation, I licked my thumb before gingerly gliding over her little hole as I pressed the head of my cock to her slit. It was quite possibly the most beautiful sight in the world, Bella in this position, glistening and pink and perfect with my cock partially inside of her.

I was not ashamed to admit that I liked to watch.

I pulled out making a few sweeping passes along her pussy as I simultaneously stroked my cock…eager…so eager to be inside of her…to feel the push and the pull of her body against mine. Bella bowed her head between her spread elbows moaning while she pushed her ass back into me. She was impatient and without having to tell me, she wanted my thumb back. I couldn't give her more than what I had though. Not yet.

I slid inside of her with a hiss, as her body tensed up in response before fully relaxing when I whispered, "Oh fuck, you feel so fucking good, Baby."

Once fully sheathed by her warmth, I leaned over, pulling her upward cupping a breast. With my other hand, I slid it down her body rubbing her clit. Using my chin, I moved her hair away from her neck, so I could nip at her jaw. She turned her head, letting her wet tongue play with mine, little moans of pleasure escaping her mouth while my cock pulsed minutely inside of her. Bella's legs began to tremble while I worked my fingers against her wet, swollen skin and before she could finish I brought her down to the bed, her cheek pressed to the mattress.

Bella took a deep breath and said forcefully, "Oh God, just fuck me, E."

Standing with my feet apart, I braced my legs and pounded into her. I watched as she gripped the sheets in her hands, writhing underneath me push after push after push, all of the anxiety and tension releasing from my body with every forward motion. Bella screamed into the sheets, her legs and her insides trembling around me. God she was so fucking tight…still.

For a very brief moment before I came, I wondered if I should come inside of her or release on her back. She had been only a few minutes into her shower when I disturbed her with my knocking and I didn't think she'd mind so much knowing that she needed to finish washing anyway. She hated dripping all over her underwear for hours after we had sex, so often if we had somewhere to go, I would pull out and emit my stuff into a towel or my hand.

_Yeah, I'm a nice guy like that._

And I was well aware that jizzing on my girl's back after I fucked her from behind was completely vulgar and disgusting.

"Baby, I'm gonna come…should I pull out?" I asked, pleading breathlessly, knowing she understood the precise implication of pulling out.

"God, yes, whatever you want…" she breathed still a quivering mess underneath me. With a string of expletives and a final thrust into my hand, I spurted all over her back, trying to avoid her hair, watching in awe as it dripped into the dip of her spine. As depraved as it was, I found it ridiculously fucking hot…like porno hot. I don't know what made me do it, but I reached out, tracing my finger in the liquid, making the shape of a heart. I smiled and leaned down to kiss her back in a clean spot, feeling fucking fantastic, like I'd run a marathon.

"I'll be right back, Beautiful." Once I cleaned her all up, I washed myself off and sat on the chair to re-dress, apologizing for being so rough with her. She kept rolling her eyes and blushing shyly, a clear indicator that she liked it that way and wasn't offended in the least.

Looking at my watch, I noticed that I was ten minutes late, but so refreshed and renewed that it was worth it. I shot a text to Edward Sr. letting him know I would be right there before I kissed Bella and thanked her repeatedly for being so fucking amazing.

Bella was my new form of Xanax.

**~%~**

Edward stood when he spotted me. I'd been standing across the crowded café for a minute or so waiting for him to finish his call, but I was already so late that it was just impolite on my part at that point and I didn't know if I should just interrupt. My nerves were almost non existent by then and I made a mental note to do something special for Bella's quick thinking and the unorthodox way she handled the situation.

I briefly wondered if Hallmark had a card for that. "Thank you for fucking my anxiety away."

While I made my way through the crowded tables, he ended his phone call, smiling as he politely offered his hand out. I extended my own hand, narrowing my eyes minutely at the way his grip was so firm. I wondered momentarily if it was always that way or if he was trying to exert some sort of unnecessary authority over me. To my surprise, he pulled me into a one armed hug, patting my back in a very fatherly gesture. I didn't know exactly how to feel about that as I stiffened awkwardly at the contact, arms limp at my sides.

When I pulled away, I slid the chair out and sat, resting my hands on the table in front of me before placing them in my lap.

"I apologize for being late. I left my key and then I had to go back…." There was no fucking way that I was about to tell him about my freak out. I had the feeling that it wasn't often he waited for someone, not patiently anyway. He had that look about him—this commanding presence, intimidating for certain and definitely no bullshit.

He waved his hand dismissively. "Oh no, it's fine. Like I said, short notice. I'm glad you were able to make it at all. Thanks for coming."

I nodded as the waitress approached us to take our order and blushed as she made an audible gasp at the sight of us, then commenting how we were unmistakably father and son. Giving her a small placating smile, I asked her simply for a cup of decaf coffee with Half and Half and we chuckled lightly as Edward requested the same.

The color of his pale green eyes mirrored my own exactly as did his hair. It was like looking at a living photo of myself twenty years from now...so strange. My whole life, people had always commented on how much I looked like my mom. It was apparent now they had never seen my biological father. Edward had a few slight lines around the corners of his eyes and gently tanned skin but other than that, he looked like a regular businessman in his sharp, black pinstriped suit. I almost wished I had dressed a little less casual.

We made small talk in the café, my comfort level gradually increasing as we spoke. He was surprisingly warm and had a kind way about him, despite the intimidating façade. Conversation flowed easily between us, the majority of it led by him, with me answering his many questions. It wasn't difficult to see that he was a salesman and oozed charm from every pore. I suppose I liked him, and there was a part of me…for Carlisle's sake… that didn't want to like him at all. It left me with some definite guilt. I realized that like and love were two different things and even though I liked him…I loved my father.

His phone would vibrate on the table every two minutes or so. Without breaking his attention from our conversation, he would glance at the number and then dismiss the call. Only once did he excuse himself to take a call, remaining seated at the table while I finished my second cup of coffee.

During the conversation he had said, "No, I'm not available at all on Thursday. I'll be with my family. My…my son is in town for the week," and he gave me a small smile which I returned. It would take some time for both of us to adjust to this whole thing, I supposed.

We had been so wrapped up in talking about baseball and summer camp that I had forgotten all about Bella coming to meet me. I actually flinched in surprise when her hand softly touched my shoulder, but I pulled out the chair next to me, introducing her with pride to Edward. He took both her hands in his, instantly captivating her. It was entertaining to witness how charismatic he was, and I almost wanted to take some notes. And the really weird thing was that Bella couldn't keep her eyes off of him.

At one point she just blurted out said, "Jesus, you two look so much alike. It's completely freaking me out!" And then later, after we left him, and I asked what she thought, she informed me that she thought he was hot, that I was very lucky because in all likelihood, I would look just like that in my late thirties, and that she could definitely see how my mom could be swept off her feet by him. Then she reconsidered the fact that _she_ would most certainly be the lucky one if I looked like him at his age.

_I think Bella may have a little Dilf crush._

I too, could easily see how my mother would be captivated by his charm. Carlisle was charming as well, but Edward…Edward had something about him that was indescribable. He was naturally alluring or something.

When I called my mom as we walked to the Big Apple double decker sight seeing bus, I told her that it had gone better than I had anticipated. She seemed genuinely happy and relieved to hear it. It never occurred to me that she would feel some amount of stress as well after everything that had happened with her being deceitful of Edward's intentions. But I also understood, in the hour that I had been with him face to face, how she could perceive him to be a dickhead if he wanted to be. Money meant power and he clearly had both on his hands.

Bella and I spent the day taking a tour around the island of Manhattan. Occasionally they would let us off to enjoy a particular sight and to eat and use the bathroom or whatever. We were sitting on the top level of this embarrassing red bus and had forgotten to bring sun block, so by the time the tour had ended, I had a fucking ridiculous farmer's tan and Bella was just scorched from head to toe. Along the last leg of the tour, a lot of passengers had gotten off the bus, so Bella and I made our way to the lower level where there where the seats were mainly empty. The cool air was amazing and Bella's little moans of pleasure as she relished in the cool on her heated skin made me hard. It didn't take much.

As gently as possible, I began to kiss her neck and her sunburned shoulders but she couldn't stand to be touched there, so my fingers then found their way under the hem of her short denim skirt, tracing the elastic of her panties. Bella bit her lip and sighed, leaning back into the seat. The cool air had made her nipples hard, clearly visible through her thin tank top. _Thank god for unpadded bras._

Just as my fingers were about to slip underneath her panties to graze her clit, she began to search for her purse, grabbing my wrist in her hand to stop me.

"Wait…" she breathed heavily. "Can you use some hand sanitizer before you finger me?" We'd been all over the city touching everything and I was amazed that she would think of something like that while she was so heated in the moment. I was surprised and quite frankly a little disappointed in myself that it hadn't occurred to me first.

"You are without a doubt my soul mate," I said half kidding, half seriously, devouring her mouth. "Marry me tomorrow."

That night, I stood on the hotel balcony wearing slacks and a long sleeved pinstriped dress shirt, waiting for Bella to emerge from the bathroom. She stepped outside, giving me a twirl, the white of her summer dress making her sunburned skin look even redder. Regardless, she was fucking beautiful and I told her so about a million times. I slipped my arm around her waist leading her to the hotel lobby, where Edward's limo was waiting. I had assumed he and his wife would be in the car, but the driver had said apparently they were running late and were meeting us at Tao instead.

Once we arrived at the restaurant, the hostess immediately led us through the packed bar of the restaurant, up the stairs to a second level balcony area, that had obviously been reserved for us. Bella's eyes widened in awe as she took in the huge Buddha fountain sculpture in the middle of the Asian themed restaurant. She whispered that she wanted to rub its belly and throw a coin or two into the fountain. I promised her that we would check it out before we left.

Edward Sr. stood when he saw us, just as he did that morning. His wife sat beside him, chin resting on her steepled fingers, looking down at her napkin. When he hugged me once again, I didn't resist so much, our time that morning helping decrease any apprehension that I'd felt. He also hugged Bella, which I thought was sweet. When he introduced us to Gianna, she remained seated, offering her hand limply. I told her it was a pleasure to meet her and she gave me a small smile, almost placating; however she did not return the sentiment. That was probably the most interaction she would offer both Bella and I during the meal.

I was disappointed that Kimberly wasn't there as I really wanted to meet her. But I was informed that she was with the nanny at home tucked into bed because she had ballet and piano lessons early in the morning. Edward did whip out his wallet though, to show us the most recent picture from her dance recital. She was a gorgeous little girl, with big green eyes just like mine and her father's. She had her mother's dark curls though her facial features closely resembled mine when I was little.

Bella noticed right away that Gianna was very standoffish and cold. I mean, I understood that she wasn't happy about finding out her husband had been hiding away an illegitimate son and sending me large lump sums of child support payments, but get the fuck over it already. It wasn't my fault that he did it, and it was as though she was blaming me for this whole thing when Edward was the one who asked me to come out here in the first place, so why was I the target of her stink eye?

Thankfully, the service was excellent and there was always food on our table to occupy the occasional brief lull in conversation. However, Bella was nervous so she didn't stop talking for a fucking second which I was entirely thankful for. She really impressed me with her knowledge of the city as well as being able to carry on conversation on just about every topic that was brought up. I was embarrassingly beaming with pride at this.

After a while, Gianna excused herself to use the ladies room. As soon as she was out of earshot, Edward leaned over and said, "I feel it necessary to apologize for my wife tonight. We had an argument earlier and she tends to hold grudges. It's a Sicilian thing, I suppose," he added with a chuckle.

Bella and I just nodded and brushed it off as though his bitch of a wife hadn't insulted us one bit with her less than warm welcome. He was quiet for a moment when he added, "You have to understand that Gianna thinks it will be traumatic for Kimberly to meet you and to know who you are. She is only four and she is going to ask a lot of questions about you, ones that I can't really answer in a way that she will understand. Gianna is very protective of Kimberly. She doesn't want her hurt by my mistakes."

Edward Sr. sighed, looking away wistfully while I widened my eyes before focusing them down at my plate in extreme discomfort. Through my periphery, I could see that Bella's gaze was fixated on me waiting for my reaction to being called a mistake. But Edward quickly backtracked as he realized his faux pas.

"Oh, I didn't mean that _you_…I meant that it was a mistake that I didn't tell her right off the bat. Edward…" he looked at me with a warm smile. "I am so glad you came, both of you. I feel so fortunate that you have allowed me to know you."

I nodded and smiled in understanding because I knew how a decision could easily follow you for the rest of your life even though you try to do everything in your power to fix it. I truly believed that Edward was remorseful and regretful for not doing the right thing by me when I was born. But had he been there for me and my mom in the capacity that would have earned him the title of "dad," my life would have been entirely different. I wouldn't have had Carlisle or my brothers, or my grandparents, or for that matter Claire or even Bella. And who knows what would have become of Edward and my mom? Knowing my mother's earthy ways and seeing what type of woman my biological father chose to spend his life with, I doubt that their summer fling could have amounted to anything more than that.

I had officially made peace with the idea that I hadn't been wanted, realizing that I most certainly _was _wanted _and_ loved by the people that mattered. And well, Edward Sr. was now one of those people. It may have taken him seventeen years, but he was doing the right thing now.

Before Gianna got back, I explained all of that to him in a nutshell, letting him know that I was glad that I came here as well. It was a nice moment. Bella had even teared up and had to hide her embarrassed face in a napkin as we chuckled at her.

**~%~**

We spent the next day by ourselves, sleeping in late, ordering a decadent breakfast in our room which we ate on the balcony. We made love, slow and soft, mindful of our sunburns, and then got dressed, taking the subway down to Soho to do some shopping. I was surprised I liked it so much, being that it was so eclectic and artsy. I thought I would prefer the clean lines of the architecture and the frenetic energy of the power suits in the financial district. But the art galleries were fascinating and I got such a kick out of Bella's face whenever she discovered a great find in one of the boutiques.

We picked up a couple of cute little dresses for Claire and Bella suggested that we grab something for Kimberly. After taking a saleslady's suggestion, we ended up with one of those American Girl dolls that looked just like her with her dark curls and green eyes. I just hoped she didn't have one already, because with all Edward's money, she probably had like ten of everything.

Bella pointed out the apartment she lived in with her mom and mused aloud if her neighbor, the Italian lady who undid the hexes with olive oil and shit, was still alive. She was afraid to go find out because she thought that since my black cloud had apparently lifted, she didn't want to take a chance on re-cursing me, if that was even possible. With my previous luck I was guessing there was a strong possibility.

At the end of the day, we were exhausted and weary from walking around in the heat. Before we returned to the hotel to crash, I wanted to take Bella somewhere special where we could just enjoy each other for a few minutes. I took her up to Rockefeller Plaza, where the observation deck was completely surreal. The glass walls encasing the rooftop allowed a three hundred and sixty degree view of the city; The Statue of Liberty on one side, an aerial view of Central Park on the other. Even though there was plenty of conversation going on, there was almost an eerie hollowed quiet being up so high. And it was absolutely beautiful in every direction.

I was surprised to learn that Bella had never been up here before but she said it was something that her mom couldn't really spare the extra money for her to do. I smiled knowing that I'd given her a special memory that wasn't tainted or fucked with. In fact aside from the panic attack of the second day, and Gianna's ice freeze at dinner, the majority of the trip had been great.

I held her waist from behind as she rested her head back on my chest quietly watching the sun set around us.

"Thank you for being here with me," I said softly, so grateful that she accompanied me on this trip.

"I love you so much," she whispered, sneaking a kiss. I returned the sentiment and we spent a good ten minutes in the corner of the rooftop shamelessly making out. When we got back to the hotel, our feet blistered and aching, we thanked god on our knees for providing us with the gift of air-conditioning. Then we took a long hot bath together…which I had to say was fucking amazing and I would be making damn sure that I broke in the never before used tub in my bathroom at home.

However…it was definitely a learning experience. See, even though I had a whirlpool tub in my bedroom, I had never used it. I didn't like the idea of baths in general, because it was like swimming in a tiny pool of my own filth and I didn't understand the point of that. But when Bella suggested how nice it would be to just relax our stiff muscles with a long soak in the tub together, she disrobed right in front of me and that sort of had me reconsidering the whole bath thing.

I ran the tub water while Bella sat on the edge eating strawberries and occasionally feeding me some, from the room service tray we'd ordered. I dumped a good amount of vanilla scented bubble bath in the warm water thinking it didn't really seem like enough, so I poured another generous portion in. Little did I realize that once the jets were turned on, the bubbles multiplied times a million. They started to grow, and grow, and grow until the suds were literally three feet high out of the tub and overflowing onto the tiled floor with no sign of stopping. There were fucking bubbles everywhere and I panicked. Don't ask me why I panicked, I just did.

It never occurred to either of us brain surgeons to turn the fucking jets off.

So there I was completely buck ass naked, balls swinging in the wind while I fruitlessly used the plastic trash can to scoop some of the suds to transfer into the sink. By the time I had cleared the tub of most of the mess…the toilet, the sink, the balcony (and in all probability the balcony below that), were overflowing with massive amounts of vanilla bubbles. And yeah, I was out on that balcony tossing buckets of bubbles onto Broadway while I was naked for all of Manhattan to see. It was actually very freeing.

I might add that Bella sat there on the floor of the bathroom the whole time laughing at me until she was in tears, while I cursed under my breath trying to save us from the attack of the fucking bubble bath glob from hell. Fun times.

I finally dumped a bucket of suds on her head and that really had her going. I mean, my dick was flopping around all sudsy and flaccid while I was sweating and slipping on the bathroom floor trying to clean up this colossal mess. I finally gave it up and just hopped in the tub, practically drowning in soap.

"I like having you with me all the time," I said, running my fingers in circles over Bella's nipples as she leaned back into my chest. The excessive amount of bubbles were blocking my view of her fantastic titties and it was pissing me off. "I love waking up with you and going to bed with you and doing stupid stuff like brushing our teeth together. It's nice to have something to look forward to, you know?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"When we live together. I know I won't hate it," I smirked earning an eye roll from her.

"There's no way in hell I am living with you unless I have my own room or some place to shove all my stuff in when you go on your cleaning rampages. You know how many times I looked for my sunglasses over the last few days because you moved them?"

"And where have then been, Bella?" I hedged, knowing that every time we came in, she'd dump her shit haphazardly on the bed or the table or the chair and then be searching for it later on because I would move it to a place where it wouldn't get crushed or lost. The same damn place every time.

She huffed. "In the top dresser drawer but that's…"

I cut her off condescendingly. "Yes, the empty dresser drawer where you can keep your stuff as messy as you like, just as long as the drawer is shut. It's a happy compromise, no?"

"Yeah I guess, but you're stifling my freedom of expression. I like my chaos. It's organized in it's own way." She jutted her sudsy chin in the air with indignation. So fucking cute.

This time I rolled my eyes. "That is such bullshit, and you know it. You are a slob…period."

Bella gave me the finger and I grabbed her wrist to gnaw playfully on the offensive digit. "Yeah, but you love me anyway."

"You know I do."

**~%~**

The sky was overcast, but the atmosphere was muggy and just gross, a lot like Washington. It was a little after ten in the morning when we took the walk to Edward's apartment. He of course, had a penthouse suite and a doorman who graciously led us into the elevator after he alerted Edward that we had arrived. I clutched Kimberly's gift bag in one hand, Bella's little fingers wrapped tightly around the other hand, slightly nervous again.

When were led inside by a housekeeper, Bella snickered because we'd made an earlier bet that he had a live in maid as well as a nanny. The place was spectacular with its high coffered ceilings, ornate moldings and these like, super fancy drapes that pooled neatly onto the rich wood floor. The entryway and living room were huge and grand and just well, let's put it this way…Bella couldn't speak for a good five minutes as her eyes scanned the wide open rooms and the spectacular view of Central Park.

Edward cleared his throat, startling us as Bella and I stood with our backs to him, gazing at the city below. He held Kimberly in his arms, her red dress and matching shoes a little too elegant for the zoo, in my opinion, but she was adorable. When he introduced us to her, she held out her hand to me, shaking mine like a little adult.

"My name is Kimberly. And you're Edward, my brother," she said matter-of-factly. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"It's so nice to meet you too," I said chuckling at her maturity, then kneeling to her level. "I…we brought you a present." I gave her the bag which she took gratefully. Her eyes went wide as she asked permission from her father to open it. Kimberly clapped excitedly when she saw that the doll, that apparently she already had one of, "but now she could have a best friend."

I had to admit, that I was genuinely surprised how appreciative she was for the gift, considering what an uptight snooty mother she had, and all the money Edward possessed. I sort of expected her to be spoiled rotten to the core.

It wasn't long before we were all headed outside to the zoo. Gianna apparently wasn't feeling up to the excursion, so she stayed behind, making things much less tense for all of us. I was willing to bet my Cartier watch that she was fucking faking it just to avoid spending any further time with her husband's illegitimate, but devilishly handsome and charming son.

It had been years since I'd been to a zoo, however, I wasn't very much interested in the animals so much as getting to know this little girl, who didn't seem to give a shit one way or another that I was there because she was so entranced with my girlfriend.

She was very friendly though, and didn't stop talking to Bella who she took an immediate liking to, even asking if they could have a play date together one afternoon. They held hands swinging them between their bodies while I stayed back a few feet with Edward Sr. watching them interact.

"Kimberly hasn't stopped asking questions about you. She wanted to know why you didn't live here with us and why she had never met you before…. It's been a very exhausting few days trying to come up with all the answers," he said chuckling. "She's very bright, but sometimes her curiosity is…annoying."

To be truthful, I felt as though she had no interest in me whatsoever, and I was mildly displaced by that. But as Edward took a phone call and Bella used the bathroom, it left me with this little girl for a few minutes. She couldn't see the monkeys in their cages, so I lifted her up to give her a better view. I had absolutely no idea what to say to her so I just asked her questions about her school and her friends, which definitely broke the ice because she prattled on about everything and anything, asking me tons of questions about myself, which I then answered to the best of my ability while keeping it G-rated. And then suddenly, I had become her best friend.

After that, she flat left Bella to hold _my_ hand. When Kimberly wasn't looking, I stuck my tongue out at Bella playfully.

"You look like my daddy," she said, poking the tip of my nose.

"You do too," I replied simply, poking her little nose in return. Her laugh was the cutest thing ever.

Once we finished up there, we took a car down to South Street Seaport for a late lunch on the pier. Bella insisted on taking pictures of all of us in front of the water, which was so weird, when Edward put one arm around me and the other around Kimberly. He asked if she would please send him copies of the photos, which she gladly agreed to. He also mentioned that his parents…my grandparents were interested in meeting me, but he said that it would have been too overwhelming on this trip and we could save it for the next time I came out.

When we said goodbye in front of our hotel that evening, I was saddened to have to let Kimberly go, knowing she was too young for me to keep contact with by phone and since she couldn't read, emailing was out of the question too. But I made a mental note as well as a promise to myself to remember to send her little cards and things she could learn to read next year in Kindergarten. Bella had promised to mail her the pictures she had taken and some big girl cards because Kimberly thought it was so cool to get mail.

It would be the last we would see of each other for a while and I couldn't let this just dissipate into nothing…it was too important to me. Whatever capacity she was in my life was fine with me though. I was immensely happy and very surprised that things had gone so well, feeling stupid for panicking in the first place. Kimberly gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek before she was strapped into the car. "I have business to take care of in Seattle in late October. I'd like to grab dinner, if that's okay with you," he said warmly. I nodded, shaking his hand one last time. He pulled me into a hug and said quietly, "Your mother and father have down an amazing job raising you. I'm sure they're very proud. Take care of yourself, Edward. Goodbye lovely Bella," he said in his usual charming way, kissing her hand. "Take care of my boy."

"I'll call you," I called out to the car, waving as he drove away.

I sighed and smiled, wrapping my arm around Bella's waist as I led her back inside our hotel.

We might never throw a ball back and forth in a backyard, and I would never call him "dad," but he and my little sister were a part of my life now however small or large…and it made me happy. The funny thing was that I'd come here looking for some sort of closure, never really expecting so many doors to open instead.

Well maybe they were more like windows, but still.

~%~

**Okay so the post panic sex was a little Ooc for them, but everyone needs a good fuck now and then, and I figured if they could masturbate in front of each other for nine months and create a mock cock of him, then he could jizz on her, right?**

**A/N: Two things: If you ever get to New York, you must go see the amazing view from Rockefeller Plaza and you must eat at Tao. Also, bubbles in a Jacuzzi tub is a big no-no. Big, Big no-no. Funny as hell, but…just don't do it.**


	42. Chapter 42 Unforgettable

**I own the plot, storyline and the characterizations in HA but Stephenie Meyer owns the saga. **

**Thank you so much to LZTZ for betaing this so quickly and thoroughly and of course to Suzy for all the baseball crap and for everything else.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety ~**

**Chapter 42~ Unforgettable**

**California girls  
We're unforgettable  
Daisy Dukes  
Bikinis on top  
Sun-kissed skin  
So hot  
We'll melt your Popsicle  
California girls  
We're undeniable  
Fine, fresh, fierce  
We got it on lock  
West coast represent  
Now put your hands up  
California Girls~ Katy Perry**

**~Bella~**

I plopped down on my ridiculously pink bedspread next to Edward, who was sprawled out in just a pair of plaid board shorts, looking remarkably surfer dudish for a city boy. His horrible New York City farmer's tan had evened out quite nicely in the few days we'd been in California. Edward's skin had turned into a deep golden brown dotted with freckles. His nose was pink and peeling slightly and his hair, which was currently long and messy, had all these reddish copper highlights that looked like flames in the sunset.

I rolled over on my stomach to face him, finding a loose thread on the comforter to wrap around my finger.

"I think my mom is hot for you." I had caught her gaping at him this morning when she brought us breakfast. I could have mistaken her intent stare as ogling, but she didn't take her eyes off of him as he emerged from the pool, all dripping wet and sexy as hell, which by my standards, certainly classifies as ogling.

He smirked, resting his wet head on folded arms behind him. He smelled of sun block and chlorine, so not his usual scent. It was alluring nonetheless. We had gone swimming just before breakfast, as we'd done every morning because Edward really liked swimming outside. In fact, he really liked the California sun in general and he admitted that he was in no way looking forward to going back to Forks' gloomy gray skies.

"Renee is hot. I'd totally do her."

"Ugh, you are disgusting, MILF lover!" With a surprisingly small amount of force I pushed him off the bed where he landed on my floor in a flabbergasted heap. I couldn't control my laughter when I saw the look on his face.

Not willing to be physically dominated by a girl, he grabbed my arm, pulling me down to the carpeted floor on top of him with a loud thud.

"You know I only have eyes for you, Baby. I was just kidding." He then proceeded to tell me how he could envision me like that when I was old, like a hot mom and stuff, and that he was looking forward to growing old with me.

I slid my body atop his, relishing in the untamed gooey feelings between my legs and ignoring the way my elbow was throbbing when it hit the bed frame. It took all of like three seconds for Edward to become hard underneath me, pushing himself upward into my hips.

"My mom's going to come up here to see what all the noise is about." I pressed my lips to his mouth, sucking on his bottom lip. Hands explored my back, tugging at the strings of my bikini top until it was off and discarded. We had been very well behaved since we had gotten here out of respect for our elders and whatnot but also for the fact that we were hardly ever alone. My mom's bedroom was right down the hall, Edward never trusted that I could be quiet if we were to fool around at night.

"Mmmm, good," he mumbled, popping a nipple into his mouth. He sucked so hard it made my toes curl.

"Maybe I'll let her join in. I've always wanted to try a threesome."

Aaaand I was officially turned off.

"I think you have sun poisoning and it's deformed your brain, you freak." Abruptly, I sat up, pulling my boobie away from his mouth with a pop, while he tried unsuccessfully to hold me to him.

"Come onnnnnn, I'm teasing!"

I broke myself loose from his grip, shaking my head as I made my way across the room to the bathroom, slightly miffed and thoroughly squicked out. Edward caught me from behind, pulling me tightly into his chest. His breath was warm on my neck.

"The only way I would ever even consider having a threesome is if you cloned yourself. But then I would fucking die from sensory overload of two Bella's sucking my cock, and two beautiful Bella pussy's to lick and four of these amazingly perfect titties to squeeze, and don't even get me started on having two Bella asses…"

I giggled, knowing that he really had a thing for my ass.

His hands cupped my, "erfect titties," palming them both and fanning his thumbs over my nipples, rolling them tightly in between his fingers. It caused this delicious tension in my lower belly, like the stretching of a rubber band, only much better and less office supply like. I rested my head against his chest, letting him do whatever the hell he wanted to me. Edward pushed his hips into my ass just to solidify his point.

_And solid it most certainly was…._

"Why stop at one clone of me? Hmmm?" I asked sarcastically, moving my damp hair so he could kiss my neck. Presently, he had been sucking on my earlobe, causing goosebumps to break out all over my arms. "If you cloned me, wouldn't you want more than just two? You could have yourself a whole damn harem of Bella's."

My dresser mirror loomed largely in front of us, reflecting our image- tanned, naked torsos with two startlingly white triangular shapes where the cups of my bathing suit wouldn't allow sun to penetrate. In the glass, I watched with half closed lids as Edward's hands skimmed my ribs and stomach, eventually dipping into the line of my bathing suit bottoms.

"As hot as that idea sounds on paper, realistically it would be waaaaay too high maintenance. I don't have the energy for more than one of you," he whispered all sultry and then he smirked, just as his finger circled my spot. I pushed back against him, allowing him to snake his arm further into my bottoms.

"Fuck…you are so wet." My eyes watched as he withdrew his finger to bring to his lips, tasting me. He did that a lot, for some reason. I think he did it because he finally_ could _after wanting to and not being able to do such a thing for so long. And I am pretty positive he did it because he was just as much of a kinky freak as I was; only he wouldn't outwardly admit it. Regardless, I never protested, even when he would trace my lips with my arousal, just as he was doing then.

In the reflection of the mirror our eyes locked. I felt Edward almost tense behind me, a smile creeping over his face, replaced by sexy assed lip biting, when he realized that he could watch us have sex. Both of us observed the image captivated as he dragged his finger from my mouth, down my body to slowly shimmy my bathing suit bottoms off my hips, letting them fall to the floor around my ankles. His board shorts immediately followed. In the mirror, all I could see of his goods was a partial view of his hip, toned and muscular, pale and stark white against his sundrenched torso and lower thighs.

We stepped out of the clothes together, moving silently toward the dresser, as Edward's hands guided me forward. I could feel his erection prodding my back and I wanted it inside of me.

I had been aching for him.

I brought one arm up around his neck stretching my body and then his fingers found their way inside of me, pushing and curving until my legs were shaking and his fingers were back in my mouth to stifle my noises when I came. He didn't even care when I bit him.

He withdrew his fingers, whispering for me to bend over. With his legs spread far apart, Edward's fingers firmly gripped my hips. I wrapped his thickness in my hand and placed him at my center. Edward entered me in one swift movement, while I grabbed onto the edge of the wooden dresser for support, moaning softly as he slid to the hilt. My head bowed involuntarily, because in this position he was so, so deep in me and his movements were fast and hard…it was almost too much. He wouldn't last long like this; he never did when we screwed from behind. I looked up again to see him watching me intently.

"Fuck, Bella. Touch yourself?"

_There's my kinky bastard._

Smirking, I brought my hand between my legs which immediately made me come again because I had been so sensitive after Edward's amazing fingers did their thing. Edward groaned; pushing himself into me harder, faster and I knew it would be over before I had the chance to blink. Quiet strings of curses tumbled from his lips mixed with professions of his undying love for me as he came with one last grunt. I giggled as he rested his sweaty forehead on my back, pulling a sock out of my top drawer so that I could wipe away all his mess when he pulled out of me.

"Oh yeah," he said kissing my back between pants. "One of you is definitely all I can handle."

**~%~**

"Awww not the sad puppy dog eyes _and_ the lip!" Edward exclaimed, chuckling as he pulled me into a tight pity hug. I was pouting and Edward was laughing at me.

Bastard.

My mom wanted, or rather had vehemently _insisted_ on some alone time with me, seeing as how Edward and I had been in California for five days already and had been "glued to the hip" – her words, not mine - though true. I was pretty sure the clinginess was because we knew we'd be apart for a whole week while E went to baseball camp. Then once we started school things would be entirely different.

He had been debating between joining the soccer or track teams, simply to keep fit for baseball season. I was considering joining cheerleading again, contingent up on if I was able to convince Alice to join with me. Strength in numbers and whatnot.

Between the extraneous clubs and organizations, my work schedule and practice, and Edward's therapy sessions, we were going to have very little time to spend together outside of class.

But even though I was well aware that it was probably good for us to have a break from one another, I knew I would be miserable without him.

His lips met my forehead, lingering. God he was hot. "It's only for a few hours, Baby. Your mom wants to hang out with you and do girl stuff." He pulled his Amex card from his wallet and handed it to me. "Go buy yourself some new school clothes or whatever. Get me some stuff too."

I smacked his hand away. "Don't try to buy me, Cullen. My loneliness can not be placated with your money," I snapped in jest, trying not to laugh. He rolled his eyes and inched his way back closer to me.

"You are so dramatic, Swan. I would never do such a thing as to buy away your loneliness. Come on…seriously. Take it. I'm not going to have time to shop after camp ends and I need a new book bag. I could use a light jacket too." Edward's hand inched its way up my ribs, while his thumb masterfully made its way beneath the underwire of my old cotton bra.

"And you…could use a new bra. Maybe something red? Lace? See through?" With stealth like skill, he slid his thigh between my legs rubbing all up in my goods. I moaned loud and unashamed, my knees giving out at the precise moment his tongue slid up my neck. Then he tucked the Amex card between my boobs, letting the clasp hold it in place. I should have been pissed about him manipulating me with sex, but I couldn't remember my name at that moment, so….

I rolled my eyes when I heard my mom call us agitatedly from down stairs.

"Fine," I relented with a growl, pulling away from his kiss but still pouting. "Leave me. Whatever." He took my hand, dragging me downstairs.

Renee was waiting on the landing with her purse and keys in hand. Phil was beside her, looking ever so youthful in his Dodgers hat. He threw his arm around Edward while I narrowed my eyes and sneered at their sudden camaraderie.

"So where are you guys going today?" I asked begrudgingly, trying to convince myself that it couldn't really considered immaturity if I was completely aware that I was behaving like a spoiled child.

"Oh, I thought I'd take my friend Edward here to grab a drink or two at the titty bar in town," Phil said with a wink, ushering my boyfriend to the front door. "You have your fake ID, right?"

"Phil..."

Edward tried not to laugh, but his new buddy Phil was a real crack up. "I swear to God…"

"Can you drive a stick?" When Phil dangled the keys to his Ferrari in front of Edward, his eyes went huge.

"Oh my god, are you serious?" Edward grabbed the keys from my pain in the ass stepfather and gave me a quick kiss and an even quicker, "Love ya! I'll miss you!" completely disregarding my emptiness and longing by dashing out the door with an excitement that I had yet to see him exude for anything other than the promise of me naked.

Traitor.

"Yeah, I see how it is…" I yelled, crossing my arms in front of my chest once again pouting. I was totally premenstrual and not in a good mood at all. Despite the fact that he had given me carte blanch with his Amex, Edward would not be getting blow jobs from me any time soon.

"Oh, Bella, relax." My mother chuckled at my childish behavior. "Phil is taking Edward to the stadium. He thought Edward would enjoy watching the team practice. He said he would try to let him pitch a few rounds."

That officially cheered me up, because well, for one, Edward was gonna die when he got to the stadium. And two, I was not at all happy about the titty bar thing, even though I knew Phil was fucking with me and would never really take my boyfriend there knowing that I would whine and bitch relentlessly for the next five days. No one, including myself, wanted to endure that.

The funny part about that is if he really did take Edward to a titty bar, it wasn't as though he would be able to touch any of the sluts given their "no hands on the merchandise" rules.

Ha fucking ha. I love irony.

I stood in the doorway ignoring my mother's rambling about the list of shit she needed to do, watching as the Ferrari slowly backed down the long stone driveway with Edward at the wheel.

So. Fucking. Hot.

Sigh.

I realized that I really needed to let Edward have this experience with or without me. Besides that fact, I wanted to spend some time with my mom alone.

She and I spent the afternoon shopping and talking mostly about the men in our lives. I mean, it was a given that the subject of Edward and sex would come up, and surprisingly, it wasn't as awkward to discuss with my mom as one would have thought. However, when she began to chime in with details about her and Phil in the sack, and the fact that she was thirty-five and just entering into her sexual prime (fucking gag me already) I stuck my fingers in my ears and did the "LallalalalaIcanthearyou," thing.

Ugh. Gross.

There was a lot of talk about my life in Forks and how my relationship with Charlie was developing and repairing since the pseudo kidnapping- running away to get married thing occurred. My mother was just trying to make sure things were okay with my dad and I, considering she knew how strict he could be. Her fear was that his over protectiveness would hinder my overall growth and development, and ultimately, my autonomy. She also wanted to be certain that I was getting enough female support without her physical presence in my life. I courteously left out my closeness with Maggie, but really emphasized my relationships with the girls and with Esme, who was more my friend than my boyfriend's mom.

The funny thing was that sitting there, talking about all this heavy stuff with my mom, it occurred to me that she had grown up right before my eyes and I had completely missed it. I figured it was because she now had some perspective, as well as responsibility, and Phil was definitely a good influence in her life. She had always been a free spirit but now she was a lot more grounded, happier than I had ever seen her before. It made me both delighted and sad, accepting that her joy with Phil signified the finality of her relationship with my father.

Her free spiritedness was also why she allowed Edward and I to sleep in my bed together. When we'd gotten there, I thought for sure he would have been ushered into the guest bedroom down the hall from mine in an effort to keep things chaste. But such was not the case. My mother thought that it was ridiculous to keep us separated so that we would only end up sneaking into one another's beds at night anyhow. She just made us promise in blood to never ever tell Charlie because he would have her head. And she not so directly warned us to be quiet.

But it was funny because having permission to sleep in the same bed totally robbed the naughtiness from the experience. We'd fooled around a bit, but not nearly as much as we cuddled and talked. It was kind of nice for a change.

"That boy loves you," she said wistfully, taking a sip of her fancy lemon wedge adorned sparkling water.

I smiled shyly. "I know he does."

"Bella…just please tell me that you are being smart."

_Oh my god, the birth control lecture. Play dumb._

"What ever do you mean, Mom?"

She thought for a moment, chewing on her lip. "I just…I want you to promise me that you won't sacrifice your future for him …or anyone, no matter how much you are in love."

I furrowed my eye brows in confusion of her words. That wasn't what I was expecting at all.

"What, you mean like us getting married young? Mom, that whole thing was because of extenuating circumstances and we thought it was the best resolution at the time. We're totally not ready to get married, or have kids and trust me…we're being careful." My mother visibly relaxed, her shoulders rounding as she exhaled.

"Mom, is this about my future or is it about the fact that you don't want to be a thirty-five year old grandma?" I asked with a smirk.

She thought about it for a second before she replied, "Definitely both. I just see that girl all the time walking her baby in the stroller and she looks so lonely, you know? She never smiles and I remember how happy and cheerful she always was. Raising a baby on your own is extremely hard."

After a millisecond, it hit me. "Ewww, are you talking about _Bree_?" Stupid bitch. "She deserves everything she got, and I can't believe you're sitting here feeling pity for her, after what she put me through." I huffed and slumped down in my seat petulantly. Staring down my turncoat mother.

"It's not pity for her per se; it's pity for the situation she found herself in. She was so desperate to keep that boy that she got pregnant just to tie herself to him forever." I gave her a look of disgust, not immediately realizing that my mother was obliquely referring to herself seventeen years ago. "That's what her mother says, anyway."

"She's a dumb whore, Mom. Don't feel bad for her."

"Look, all I am saying is that there is more to life than sex and boys."

"Really, Mom?" I laughed. "Sex, boys and _shopping_?"

She reached across the table gently holding my hand in hers, obviously not finding my joke the least bit funny.

"Bella, I'm serious. This is your time. Next year you'll be off at college feeling your newfound independence and trust me, you only get to be young once. Cherish that youth. Be free. Chase your dreams and_ live_. I'm not saying to be reckless, but I am saying to take risks and accept new challenges. Don't waste these years following a boy who may or may not be around in the long run. Live life for you, not for anyone else." She spoke with such seriousness and reverence that it made me almost sad. It was her history with my dad- a verbal biography so to speak.

I opened my mouth to protest, bust she spoke in place of me. "I know you love Edward. And it's plain as day that he loves you deeply… probably with much more intensity than kids your age should be feeling for one another. You take care of each other and it's so very sweet. But Bella, keep in mind that he's not the only boy out there who can make you happy. All I am saying is to not put your eggs in one basket."

"Are you saying that I should sleep around?" I cocked an eyebrow at her. "My God, am I hearing correctly? My mom is actually giving me permission to be a whoring slutbag?"

She scowled, but nodded. "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I want you to have experiences and memories that leave you with no regrets. And you should travel and you should _date_ lots and lots of men and experience all that you can before you settle down, because once you have a husband and children your options become extremely limited. I don't want you to ever feel that you had to settle or that you had to miss out on anything."

"Mom, I'm not getting pregnant any time soon, please trust me when I say this."

"I do, I do trust you, sweetie. I just…I want you to have all the best things in life, and that's all."

The heaviness of the conversation weighed on me, uncertain if this lecture was about birth control or about loving Edward. I was pissed at her for saying all of that about the boy I was in love and wanted to be with forever until we were dead and hopefully well into the afterlife too. But I couldn't stay mad for long once I comprehended the origin of the discussion. She proceeded to tell me how seventeen years ago, she wanted to go to art school in Seattle even after she found out she was pregnant. She'd looked into this great on-campus day care for me but she simply couldn't convince Charlie to let her go, even though she promised to return with me to Forks every weekend. She allowed him to convince her that her dreams and goals could wait and what she really should focus on was her family, not her career. She blamed him for essentially stifling her dreams, and then she ended up leaving him in the long run because she was suffocating in that tiny town. I had always thought that my mother must have loved my father intensely back then but the way she spoke now, it seemed as though all she harbored for him was a deep resentment.

As I sat there contemplating what my mom had said and her advice, she changed the subject quickly sensing an uncomfortable rift brewing between us. I tucked her words back into my head for future reference and wondered what kind of person she would have turned out to be if Charlie had let her go to follow her dreams. And then I wondered how different I might have been, how my life would have ultimately ended up.

My mom and I finished lunch, skipping dessert because we were so full with food and the emotional bloating of our conversation. We stopped to check out her new boutique, which was definitely much more a moderately sized store than a boutique. I bought Edward what he asked for, including a bunch of graphic tee shirts, some funky button downs and designer pants, plus a few (dozen) things for myself. And I totally got a red bra and panty set that was both lace and see through, deliberately making certain that I would torture Edward with it later.

I texted him to see how his day was going but he didn't reply, much to my stewing ire. I assumed he was either unable to get to his phone or that Phil had him so enamored in this ridiculous Bromance that he had run away, leaving me forever.

Unfortunate for him cause I had possession of his Amex card.

I even went back to the dressing room, put on the bra and panties and took a shot with my phone to send to him. Still. Nothing. Then I became worried that maybe they had gotten into a car accident or something. But my mom said that Phil had texted her saying that they were involved in baseball stuff and they'd be home in a few hours.

When we got back to the house, I changed into a bikini and jumped into the pool, lounging on a floaty raft, eventually dozing off while my mom started on dinner. There was still a distinct weirdness between us and I decided that I needed some space, if not to let her words marinate in my mind. An ice cold splash on my heated skin woke me much later when Edward dove into the pool. He wore a grin the size of Texas as he leaned on the side of the raft hoisting himself up for a wet kiss.

"I asked Phil to adopt me."

"What?" My mind was still foggy with sleep and the heat of the setting sun searing my sunburned skin. "Jeez, boy. How many fathers do you want? A brilliant doctor and a real estate mogul isn't enough? Now you want a professional baseball player too? You're like a daddy packrat."

He chuckled. "I'm just kidding."

"So I guess your day out was good?" I asked, running a hand through his wet hair that was slicked back on his head. He needed it cut soon.

"B… it was fucking amazing," he beamed drawing out the words. "Phil took me to the stadium. At first, I like just sat on the sidelines and watched them all play. And let me tell you, they are awesome up close. But then…the pitcher leaves the mound to go take a piss or whatever, and instead of taking a break, Phil motions for me to come down to get a closer view of the pitchers mound. I'm like shaking…practically shitting my pants cause I'm literally standing on Dodger fucking field. It's so much bigger than it looks on TV or even from the stands. I mean I've been to a ton of professional games but still it gets to you, ya know? All the history and talent that played there and…all I could imagine is who had stood right there before me. I though my heart was going to explode."

Edward's eyes were dancing with awe and excitement. It was almost cracking in the air between us, palpable and so unusual for him to get this animated. His hands were flying all over the place almost comically as he described his day. I relished in the way he described everything, giving me details and talking in vocabulary that I didn't entirely understand, but pretended to nonetheless. I sooo needed to ask him to teach me the ins and outs of baseball. Every time he tried though, we ended up making out.

_Yeah see? Ins and outs! I am turning into a 14 year old boy. Me and Edward, in and out. Innnn and ooouuuut._

"Wait…hold that thought," I said, slipping off the raft, plunging into the water and then leaning my arms on the raft facing him. I was so damn hot that my skin just couldn't take it anymore. Our faces were only a few inches apart.

"Okay, continue," I said smiling. "No, wait…" I leaned in again for another kiss which I think he was a little annoyed at because he just wanted to tell his story uninterrupted. "Okay, sorry…finish."

Edward rolled his eyes, his enthusiasm quickly returning. "So he tosses me a mitt and tells me to grab a chest protector." I looked at him in question, because I had never once seen him wear one of those things while he played. He quickly explained that some professionals wore them under their jerseys kind of like a bullet proof vest, but they were really heavy and hot. Some guys complained that they couldn't throw with them on. However, Phil said Edward had to wear it for insurance purposes and for the fact that he was a minor. I swear to God his excitement made him so fucking hot and I felt bad that I didn't really care about the stupid vest at all, but still, I pretended to listen while ogling his lips.

"B… I fucking pitched…for the goddamn Dodgers!" Edward squealed like a little girl. "And they think I'm some kind of phenom or something. The manager says if I continue to pitch like this, I have a real good shot at making the minors and possibly even the pros. Bella, the _fucking pros_!" Edward slapped the raft, causing pooling water to splash up into our faces.

I laughed, soaking in his excitement, thinking about how amazing it would be if Edward played professional baseball. He'd be famous and we'd go to parties with celebrities and well…I wasn't sure what else accompanied being the girlfriend of a professional baseball player, but I was sure it was cool stuff nonetheless. But then again, he would probably go to places without me, like the stupid Playboy Mansion, and that would totally suck.

But most importantly, it was Edward's dream to play baseball and I could only imagine the high he was experiencing hearing that he had a decent shot. Apparently he had been advised on what he should be doing for the next year to make this happen which included proper diet and exercise, being conscious to stay away from performance altering drugs even if he was told they are safe and allowed by MLB, making sure not to over extend his throwing arm, protect his shoulder, elbow and back. And they said to limit his alcohol intake while obviously staying away from drugs and cigarettes. They even told him to take up Yoga for balance and maybe even talking to a sports manager or agent to keep his path on target and to stay away from some of the shadier characters that would promise him the world and come back with nothing. They also emphasized to him to stay in school and keep his grades up. The draft was very competitive these days, considering all the players coming out of other countries...so a college education to some teams was a plus because it showed commitment and stuff.

"You're gonna take yoga classes?" I asked brightly.

"Yoga." Edward shook his head and scowled. "_That's_ what you got out of the whole conversation? Baby, I might be able to play professional baseball and you're thinking about fucking yoga?"

I stuck my thumb in his chin dimple. "But you'd look so cute in downward dog."

Eventually, when he finished talking about his amazing experience, I told him about my day, minus Mom's encouragement to fuck anything with a peen conversation. The raft was soon discarded, leaving no room for obstructions between our bodies. Except for Edward's hands of course. They traveled up my back as I wrapped my legs around his waist placing kisses all over his wet face. Edward's lashes were jet black and clumped together with moisture, making his eyes appear almost hazel. The apples of his cheeks and his nose were tinged pink with sunburn over his tanned, freckled skin. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Together, we moved to the shallow side of the pool, Edward backing me against the wall closest to the house; where we couldn't be seen, but he could clearly spot if someone was to come outside. The smirk on his face was all sex, my own expression mirroring his. Edward brought wet lips to my neck, sucking gently enough to make me squeal, but not hard enough to leave a mark, though I wouldn't have minded. He bit my flesh while he pushed his hips into my crotch. Skillful fingertips skimmed the line of my bikini bottom, eventually ending up between my legs and then inside of me pushing hard and fast until I was panting relentlessly against his wet shoulder. I cried into his skin when I came, thanking him for making me feel so fucking amazing. And then I jerked him off under the water until he hoisted me up onto himself, sliding inside of me with the ease of tepid pool water and my slick arousal.

When Edward came with his forehead pressed against mine, it was quiet but remarkably intense, his grip on me firm. He stayed inside of me for a while even after he had gone soft, which was different and rather nice because normally he was in such a rush to clean off. We talked and whispered, enjoying being wet and warm and so blissfully close. Without him having to say a word, I knew somewhere in the recesses of Edward's mind he was thanking the gods for the gift of chlorine and its magical powers to kill bodily fluids. I knew for a fact that Alice and Rose had gotten busy with their boyfriends in the Cullen's indoor pool on many occasions.

Edward spent the remainder of the night floating on air, and completely distracted. After dinner, he walked along the perimeter of the property while I lounged on a deck chair and watched as he spoke to his dad with the same animation he'd had earlier. Then he repeated it once again for Esme and I was pretty sure Claire got a few details cooed to her too.

Later he told me that Esme had said she missed him and he was truly surprised at how much he missed his parents and his brothers and sister. And I was guessing he missed Edward Sr. as well, because he and Kimberly got an excited call too.

My mom and Phil went out to a friend's house that night, leaving Edward and I alone. Having nothing entirely constructive to do and dreading another movie night indoors, we borrowed Phil's and Renee's bicycles, riding aimlessly around the large, gated community. I pointed out the few celebrities that resided in the development to Edward while we coasted down the winding streets before we ended up in one of the playgrounds on the swings.

Truthfully, my guard was up and I felt like a dog with its ears pricked up waiting for some unsavory behavior. I was a little fearful that we would run into Bree walking her kid as my mom mentioned she had done frequently, but luckily we didn't encounter her or anyone else whose presence had had a negative impact on me at one time or another. It had felt like so long ago that all the stuff occurred, like another lifetime, almost as though it happened to another person entirely. Edward's drama over the year seemed to have overshadowed my own personal shit, and though I would give my life for him to not have had to go through any of that, a part of me was feeling eternally grateful that I had a distraction.

But the thing was that now I was a different person. I was stronger, more mature and more capable of standing up for myself. There was no way I would allow her or anyone else to give me shit ever again. I was better than that; better than _her._

We spent the next day at the beach and then following three days sightseeing. We took Edward to all the big attractions in Hollywood and he got to attend a real Dodgers game, which made me snoozy, but whatever. Unless he was the one playing in those tight pants, I didn't care much about baseball.

**~%~**

"You are so fucking pretty," he said for like the eleventh time since we'd left the house, though he alternated between "hot, beautiful, and fucking gorgeous." I rolled my eyes, but secretly I loved hearing that he thought I was pretty. I was dressed in my white sundress and cork heeled sandals, clutching Edward's hand proudly as we entered the doors of the community clubhouse. It had a very country club setting to it; big, ornate fountain in the lobby, a huge swimming pool surrounded by cabanas and lounge chairs, a restaurant with a bar overlooking a lush golf course.

"My mom said they were seated in the back, near the ninth hole. As if I even have a clue where that might be," I replied, when Edward asked where we were supposed to meet my mom, Phil and some friends of theirs for dinner.

I led him through the lobby and then out the back doors to the large pool area. Edward was saying how he was having a craving for mushroom ravioli in cream sauce when she caught my eye. Actually, it was the baby that grabbed my attention first, the way she was bouncing his wrinkled legs on her lap. My heart began to race ferociously and I dropped my chin not wanting to bring attention to myself. I stiffened instinctively, my gaze meeting with hers.

In that instant, I was transported back in the high school gym surrounded by my classmates clutching their phones with my image plastered all over their screens. I felt the immediate horror and shame of it, even though those pictures had been doctored to look like I was in a sordid situation with two boys and it never actually happened. Still, no amount of explanation or denial would make them believe I wasn't a whore. The resulting stares and rumors…the name calling and threats…the vandalism of my belongings…the isolation and loneliness….

"Baby, what's the matter?" he asked with concern in his voice, knowing that something was wrong when my grip in his hand tightened. I swallowed, continuing to walk, my knees suddenly feeling very weak.

"It's her. It's Bree," I managed to squeak out.

_So much for being strong._

Edward stopped dead in his tracks. "Where? The girl with the baby?"

"Yes," I snapped, because it was obvious by her blatant gaping. "Keep walking. Don't even look at her." We had to pass where she was sitting in order to get to the restaurant.

"Yeah, fuck that." Edward dropped my hand and began to move toward her. I caught his arm in my grip, yanking him back to me.

"E, no. Please. I don't want cause a scene. Just…keep walking." I gritted my teeth, trying to be discrete. In my peripheral vision, I could see that she and Chelsea were already staring at us.

Edward's eyes narrowed and his jaw tensed. He was looking for a fight.

"Bella, I'm just going to talk to her."

"No," I snapped. "Just leave it alone. I'm taking the high road."

"Well, I'm not." He turned to walk way again, forcing me to pull on his tailored shirt, untucking it from his khaki's. He looked at me as though I had burned him.

"Edward…stop. Please. I don't need you to fight my battles. I just want to go eat and forget about her."

His fingertips slid down my bare arm. "Look at you, you're shaking. Fine, I won't say anything to her, unless she says something to you first, then I'm ripping her a new asshole." He fixed his shirt, looking at me with intense eyes. "B, don't let her intimidate you. You are so much better than her, you know that, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I know I am." And I _did_ know this. I was better than any shit she could say or do to me.

Edward slipped his hand into mine giving me a tentative smile. When we strode past the girls, it was completely anticlimactic, which I would admit in hindsight was a little disappointing. I thought that a big part of me was up to the challenge of a fight, even if it was just words. Edward glared at them, pulling me into him to press a kiss to my head. The two girls said nothing, choosing to look away and coo at Bree's baby in a showy act of indifference. I knew Edward was hoping for a confrontation, but I think the silence spoke the loudest words. I could feel their eyes on me as we walked away and it occurred to me to slip her the finger or something childish in that manner. But I held my head high and smiled through it without having any sort of panic attack.

Once we got to the table, with Edward's hand still grasping mine tightly, I relaxed and whispered to my mom what had happened. Edward kind of pouted that he thought it wasn't fair that he couldn't confront my nemesis, seeing as how I got to confront Charlotte and all. But the difference in the situations was that there wasn't anything that Bree could take back, nothing for her to recant that would fix or amend what she did. What was done was done. Nothing could change what she did to me, and truthfully, now that I had Edward and my friends in my life, I wouldn't want to change the outcome anyway.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any definitive closure with the situation, but I did get the satisfaction of knowing that in the end, I had gotten the much better deal. She was raising a kid on her own with the baby's father behind bars and I was with the most amazing boy anyone could ask for, and truly care free for the first time in a very long time.

I was victorious in this war. Maybe I should thank her.

**~%~**

The morning that Edward was set to head back to Washington for camp, he woke me up with sweet kisses on my bare shoulders. He slipped inside of me, quietly making love to me while I tried to determine if I was dreaming or not. After we both quietly came, he whispered to follow him out to the deck so we could watch the sun rise. I sat between his legs leaning my back against his chest, the steady thrum of his heartbeat lulling me into the most serene, relaxed state of being. It was so peaceful here, only birds or the sporadic hum of central air conditioning units turning on, with the occasional purr of a car engine passing. But other than that it was just me and Edward, in our own world, trying desperately to treasure the last bits of time together before we had to separate for a week.

We hardly spoke that morning, because there really wasn't much to say that wouldn't bring me to tears and he knew this. Emotionally, Edward had become a great deal stronger than I was, and I was happy that it had been some time since I had seen him really cry tears of sadness. We both knew in our hearts how we felt without having to constantly remind one another with the words, "I love you."

It was simple with us, really. It was in the way he squeezed my hand or the gentle brush of his fingers when he moved hair out of my face. It was in the little smirk that he wore, or the way I gave him certain looks when I liked what he was doing, and the way the air just subtly vibrated between us. It was passion and friendship and adoration and it was stronger than either of us ever knew it could grow. And when I said goodbye to him at the airport, I cried a little and soaked up the kiss that he gifted me with, replacing the hand that pressed to my cheek with my own until he was disappearing into the crowd.

Then I spent the next two days pouting and miserable and completely pathetic, until I found the notes that made me teary with joy. In typical Edward style, he had left me sweet little notes in my clothes and inside my shoes, hidden all around my room to remind me that he was thinking of me.

_I miss your smile… I love the sound of your giggles… Your face is the first thing I think of when I wake up_. I knew that one was an outright lie, because it was either a toss up between my boobs or my cooch that he thought of first thing, the horny bastard. The sentiment was moving regardless.

He called every night, but mostly he was dog tired, so our conversations were brief yet meaningful. He said that he just needed to hear my voice and twice, he'd fallen asleep with me on the phone. I was counting the days until I was back in Forks in the safety and comfort of his sexy ass arms.

**~%~**

We spent Emmett's last night home hanging out in the Cullen's basement, bowling. A few of his friends who hadn't yet left for their universities were there as well with their girlfriends, who were all as melancholy as Rose was. Alice, Angela and I spent the night consoling her and it was not at all fun, even with promises of having girl's nights every Friday.

Emmett's goodbye that next afternoon was tearful and it especially broke all of our hearts to watch him say goodbye to his baby sister. Edward told me that he felt we were so lucky to be in the same grade, to not have to endure an extended separation. He'd also made the decision, with my acquiescence of course, that he wanted us to attend the same college if it was possible. The week apart while he was at camp had been daunting for him, for us both, and he didn't want to have to feel longing for me for any reason if he didn't have to. I was perfectly happy and in total agreement with this decision. In fact, I was downright elated.

School began a few days later and our routines had quickly fallen in order. Sadly, we were so busy with extracurricular activities that there was no room for afterschool tree house smoke outs. There was an occasional Sunday afternoon indulgence and a few Saturday nights at the beach but it was rare. Though I was glad that we all had risen above the necessity of the habit, it was bittersweet. Those were good times… really, really good times. The only thing that Edward and I did in the tree house now was occasionally fool around if we were horny and we had nowhere else to scratch the itch. But that was rare too because I had gotten one too many splinters in my knee caps and Edward had a few too many chunks of wood stab him in his ass, so tree house sexy fun time was limited to extreme desperation. Though, the vision of him laying on my bed with his bare ass in the air while I used tweezers to remove a splinter was one memory I prayed I would never forget. So I took a picture. Or five.

Edward and I were fortunate enough to have all five of our classes together which was ideal for both of us being able to spend all day with each other. We didn't even need to pull strings or cash in on favors because the AP classes had small enrollment numbers, so all the "smart kids" all received the same schedule.

We'd also opted for Senior Discharge Privilege, which was just a fancy name for skipping lunch to get an early dismissal. We would leave the school at noon, and not have to be back until three o'clock for our respective practices. Edward had ultimately gone with soccer which he didn't like very much, but kept him in shape regardless. I was able to convince not only Alice but Angela as well, into joining the cheer team. Alice was frigging phenomenal, and within the first two weeks, she was like a pro, wondering why she had never considered joining before. Angela was a little spazzier than the rest of the girls would have liked, but since the squad had been made up of mostly seniors who had graduated, they were desperate for warm bodies.

Edward had also run for Student Council because he had experience with this at his old school. He'd won the position of Vice President by a landslide due to his good looks, charm and fucktastic speech (which I helped write, thank you very much), serving underneath Angela, or Madam President as she forced us to call her. His competitors both wore their sports jerseys on the assembly day, but Edward was dressed in his designer couture, looking incredibly fuckable on stage. I swore I saw Mrs. Miller, our old cooking teacher and the senior class advisor, have an orgasm.

The school year was entirely different from the last. We frequently made fun of ourselves, saying that we'd become _those people…_you know, the ones who annoyingly joined everything and were a part of every school activity possible. It was just better that way. It kept us all out of trouble and looked great on our college applications.

But mostly, I discovered that I really enjoyed being part of a team again. I hadn't realized how much I missed the camaraderie and companionship of the girls who relied on one another and trusted each other. And I prayed that _these_ girls wouldn't let me down this time.

My only regret was that I wasn't able to sit with Edward in the stands during the football games like I had longed to at last year's Homecoming game when things were so different for us. Instead, during time outs and stuff, I would run up the bleachers and steal kisses while the rest of the squad cheered the team on. They would scowl at me and the adviser would yell to get back to my position but hey, what were they going to do throw me off the team? They needed me. I was the top of the pyramid because everyone else including Alice, was too chicken shit to go up there so without me it looked more like a pile of girls sitting on each other.

Edward always brought me hot chocolate during half time...Sometimes it would even be spiked. Edward, Jasper and Ben dutifully came to every single game both home and away, simply because Alice, Angela and I were cheering. Occasionally, they would fill coffee thermoses with liquor and get fucked up on the bleachers, but they were always there to watch like good boyfriends who had cheerleader fantasies come true. Eric, Tyler, Connor and the rest of the boys Edward hung out with were on the football team, so there was a lot of cheering and raucous hollering coming from the vicinity of our hot senior class Vice President. They would sit in the student section and the since senior boys kinda ruled the roost, they would often paint their bare chests with F.H.S and stand next to each other half naked. Alice, Angela and myself were so distracted that our coach forced them to get dressed...

The funny thing was that because our school was so small, our now extended group had essentially become the "popular clique," which was kind of weird because we hung with more than half the senior class. But the even funnier thing was watching my boyfriend slowly morph into this person who was the exact opposite of the Edward I had met only a year ago. He was vibrant and happy, socially outgoing and he laughed all the time. I fucking loved every minute of getting to know Eddie Masen as he merged quite nicely with Edward Cullen, until the old Edward was just a shadow of the new one. It was a beautiful thing, really. And with Edward's permission, I wrote Charlotte a letter just to say thank you for giving him his life back.

On the Fridays before our games, it was a requirement for all the cheerleaders to wear their uniforms to school and all the football players to wear their jerseys, which in actuality wasn't at all fair and really kind of sexist because we froze our asses off with the short skirts while the boys stayed warm. But Edward loved my little uniform and he'd get this look in his eyes that just screamed, "I'm gonna fuck you right now whether you like it or not!" And on many occasion, I would find myself pressed up against a row of lockers, with Edward's hands on my ass which would inevitably lead to us cutting whatever class we had and screwing in his car. Sometimes mine. One time it was Jasper's backseat which we both took great joy in desecrating.

The best part was watching Edward wig out when the product of our vehicular love making ended up on his leather seats. I loved the boy to death but I sadistically enjoyed testing the limits of his OCD tendencies just a bit too much. I never did anything deliberately to egg it on because that would just be wrong, but I found it highly amusing when he became all unglued over a stain or something. Of course, I would sympathize and stuff, but he knew I was enjoying it more than I should simply because I couldn't identify with his disorder.

He'd say, "Yeah, yeah I'm a freak, I know."

And I would tell him, "Yes, but you're my freak and I love you, ya weird bastard."

It worked for us.

The quirks had gotten remarkably better over time, particularly since Dr. Kate had tried some cognitive behavioral therapy or whatever the hell psycho bullshit she called it was. Edward simply explained that when he felt like he was going overboard, or becoming completely stressed out when something was out of place or whatever, he had to stop and reason with himself as to why he was doing this before he could continue. There was a lot more to it, and it was much more complicated than that, but it seemed to help him a little.

On the day before my birthday, Edward told me to come over to his house once I'd gotten home from work and my dress fitting for my dad and Maggie's wedding. We had spent the day before in Seattle with everyone, walking around and shopping, doing a little sight seeing, trying to enjoy the weather before it turned into true autumn. It wasn't anything over the top as far as birthday celebrations went, as I had specifically asked for low key, but for Edward, it was mild. He'd told me he had to use a lot of restraint to not make a big deal out of the day. So on Sunday, after I showered and changed into really casual clothing, I headed over to the Cullen's expecting to just hang out and watch a movie or something.

I knocked on the front door twice before I heard him curse and yell for me to come in. The distinct smell of butter and garlic cooking hit me right away, as did the sounds of a sauté pan hot on the stove. I smirked, realizing that the house was remarkably quiet- no animated video game noises coming from the den, no tiny baby wails, no one greeting me cheerfully at the door. Leaning into the doorway tentatively, I found that it was just Edward.

And it was just Edward cooking in nothing but a pair of really, really low slung jeans and an apron.

Hot damn.

"Hi."

He turned and smirked over his shoulder. "Surprise…you're early."

I crossed the kitchen, stepping on my tippy toes to kiss his lips, which tasted of scampi sauce. He exhaled nervously, his hand shaking a bit as he moved the shrimp back and forth in the pan. I was so touched by the gesture, and the success of it.

Dinner was absolutely perfect. He'd cooked an entire meal all on his own, kicking his family out so we could have privacy for my birthday dinner. We sat and ate delicious shrimp scampi and potato croquettes with some weird asparagus thing in some cream sauce that he said looked good on the recipe. I couldn't help thinking how cute it was that he downloaded a recipe app on his phone just to cook me dinner.

We ate by candlelight, Edward still shirtless because I'd asked him to remain that way for ogling purposes. He poured us wine, which I didn't like so much but didn't have the heart to tell him so. At the end of the meal, he brought me cupcakes which were perfectly frosted in pink icing, but he later admitted that his mom did that part because he wanted to focus on the rest of the meal and didn't like being sticky.

I couldn't have possibly loved him more in that moment. When we finished eating, I helped with the dishes, and then I thanked him by stealing his crisp white button down off the chair, getting naked in his room and waiting for him on his bed in nothing but his shirt.

Happy Birthday to me.

**~%~**

By Halloween, I made the decision to discontinue my anxiety meds. I had been contemplating it for a while and then finally, realizing that I hadn't had a panic attack in forever, and I hadn't had a situation which necessitated a Xanax either. It seemed that it was time to try life unmedicated. Though Edward said he was proud of me, I thought that he seemed a little sad too, and the only reasonable explanation was that he wanted to be free of his meds as well. Eventually, he told me that he was scared of going off the antidepressants because as much as he didn't want to become dependent on them long term, he was terrified to feel the level of depression that he once had. So he continued to take what he had been prescribed, holding out a little longer.

We all took our SAT's and began to apply to colleges, Edward and I promising one another only to apply to the same ones, providing they were somewhere warm. But he told me he applied to Harvard just for the hell of it, only to see if he could get in. My mom and Phil had already told me they were taking care of my tuition, much to Charlie's wounded pride. He had been saving in an account since I was little, but for a good school, the amount he had banked was only about two semester's worth of tuition, or four years at a community college which was not an option. I felt terrible about it, but I told him that it would cover books and a new computer and all the extra stuff that I would have to do without. I thought that made him at least a little bit happy.

It was tricky, because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, while Edward had an exact plan. He was going to be a doctor, but he was hoping to get either an academic scholarship or a baseball scholarship, not that he needed the money or anything. But he was adamant about the baseball. He _needed_ to play in college no matter what. It was who he was and if he didn't have baseball in his life there was clearly a void. It was hard to explain but even the few weeks he took off during the off season his demeanor changed. I could sense the anticipation and edginess in him. That stupid ugly black leather glove gave him a sense of calm. The way he would caress it and clean it and rub leather conditioner on it sometimes made me jealous.

_I know…I have issues._

The truth was that I really didn't care where I went, as long as it was with Edward. I was afraid however, that he would end up choosing a school that would make me feel as though I was in over my head. It was clear that Edward could handle academics and athletics without a problem. But for me…it didn't come as easily. Edward seemed to absorb and retain information like a sponge, whereas I actually had to study in order to get good grades.

It seemed like everyone knew for certain what they wanted to be when they grew up but me. Edward and Angela were both pre-med, Alice was Elementary Education, Jasper was going for Political Science, Ben was majoring in biology and Rose was going into accounting. I felt so lost at one point, just resigning to declare my major as undecided until it became more clear. I had time, and I wasn't concerned about it, nor did I want to choose a major just to say I had one.

On more than one occasion, Edward suggested that I just take courses in human sexuality and anatomy and just become his love slave. He said he would pay me too, but that seemed a little too much like prostitution for my liking, though the idea most definitely intrigued me.

Everything in our lives seemed to be going at a steady pace, with an equal mixture of school crap, work, and studying. Things were good, solid, happy. Until they weren't. Sort of.

A few days before the Homecoming game, something happened that no one could have truly predicted. The buzz started in homeroom, and in the traditional way of the rumor mill, the account escalated to ridiculousness by lunch. At the end of the day, the school had called an assembly to clear up the rumors. By then, we had all heard the story about the girl in Port Angeles who had allegedly hung herself. Her name was Tori Hunter and she was eighteen years old.

Apparently, Edward knew her. So did Eric and Tyler and all of those boys- they had been friends with her and her group for years. They were all stunned. Some of the boys wiped their faces free of tears when it was confirmed that she did in fact hang herself in her dorm room.

Mrs. Meyer told us that a guy Tori had been dating had pictures of her in very compromising positions. After they had broken up, he sent the pictures to other people to see, and soon the pictures were everywhere. Everyone she knew, and everyone she didn't know saw her body in an intimate moment that was meant for one person's eyes. The girls on her campus called her terrible names and essentially shunned her. Her sorority kicked her out. Tori's privacy and her dignity had been violated. She killed herself because she couldn't handle being looked at like a whore.

Alongside Edward and the rest of our friends clad in black, I attended Tori's funeral. The service was packed with hundreds of other people who knew her, loved her, and grieved her unnecessary and untimely death.

I didn't know her. I had never met her, or seen her beautiful face in person. It wasn't some morbid curiosity that led me there because I was upset that my boyfriend had kissed her during our break up and I wanted a simple glimpse of the girl.

I attended her wake because I _had_ to be there. I was there in that room with all of the people who loved her because that could have been me at one time. My situation was entirely different in that my photos had been altered to look like me, but I still went through the nightmare of the aftermath.

Tori's photos weren't fake. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have the real image naked body exposed to the world like hers was.

This had hit so close to home that I couldn't help but feel close to her situation and feel the sadness of not knowing how to help someone else overcome something like this. It was avoidable. It was fucking tragic. My heart bled for her.

Despite the fact that I had never met the girl, I wept for her. I wept for the people that lost her. I wept for the countless number of girls who would go through the same thing that she and I both did.

Edward had held me close that night, kissing my forehead, wiping my tears, never letting go of my hand. I didn't need to tell him why this upset me so much, or why I wanted to accompany him the Tori's wake in the first place. He knew exactly what I was feeling and I loved him infinitely more for comprehending that this was so unbelievably personal to me. He knew that this opened a wound in me that had never truly been healed.

I left there vowing to try my hardest to stop this from happening again.

It was at that moment when the proverbial light bulb went off in my head. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, or rather what I _needed_ to do. It was like Tori had sent me a message from the other side that it was up to me to help those girls who couldn't help themselves. It was for all the girls who had found themselves in this position with no way of rectifying the situation. It was for every girl whose reputation had been fucked with to the point that they could no longer retrieve their dignity and their privacy and their basic human fucking rights.

I didn't know how or where to even begin, but I knew it had to end here. If no one else was doing a damn thing about it, then it would be my ultimate goal to make a change.

I wouldn't stand by and do nothing again. I just couldn't.

**~%~**

*****One more chapter in Epov and then the two part epi.*****

**Okay...lotsa stuff. First off, I don't like to mention this stuff because it makes me feel weird. But Suzy says it's rude to not acknowledge it, so…Ha was nominated for a Golden Lemon award for Best Cherry Pop which is very cool and I am so honored to have HA amongst some of the greatest fics ever. My other story Ill Be Your Lover Too was nominated for Best Group Sex. **

**Here is the link if you wanna check it out: http : / www . goldenlemonawards . com/**

**Thank you to whomever nominated the stories.****while back I submitted a HA outtake for the Haiti Relief compilation. I am going to post it here, but I want to warn you that it is very dark, very disturbing and has mature themes. It is meant for mature readers. It should also be noted that it is not part of the actual story, just a sort of "what if." I am warning you now.**

* * *

A

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**My recs: **

**River Dam by Jennyfly: This is only on A Different Forrest. Edward is a highly motivated teenager who's dream is to get out of Forks and be something other than his blue-collar construction worker dad. When he falls in love with Bella and she unexpectedly becomes pregnant, this changes everything. It is the harsh and realistic tale of teen pregnancy and the sacrifices and challenges one faces. This is exceptionally well done and It made me cry more than once. It's also complete.**

**Dead on My Feet by Cesca Marie. **

**I love, love, love this fic- like squee and drop everything when it updates- love this fic. Edward is seventeen and recovering from cancer. He befriends Bella, despite his shitty, glum attitude and his endless vomiting and fatigue. She begins to care for him, and becomes his only friend. He begins to feel more than friendship for her but doesn't know how to handle when she pulls away from him. This will break your heart, piss you off, make you cry and want to beat the piss out of this Bella. It's frigging great.**

**Million Dollar Baby by clpsuperstar- This is a sassy, yet virginal Bella who sells herself into sex slavery in order to save her mother's life. Guess who the buyer is? She's not taking orders or Edward's shit for that matter, but she'll take the orgasms. For a slave fic, this is surprisingly funny, witty and really entertaining and it has yummy lemons.**

**Paper Cut Outs by twistedcoincidence- Bella is this really weird reclusive socially awkward loner who meets tattooed bar owner Edward and falls hard for him and his three year old son. It's so well written and unexpected and very unpredictable. And you will love little Finn.**

**Seven Day Weekend by JandMsMommy- It's the 1950's and Edward is a rebel with a cause. There's only a prologue and one chapter up, but I can't wait to see what unfolds from this little gem.**

**Xoxox EBT**


	43. Chapter 43 Untouchable

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.**

**Thanks as always to Erika for proofing, to my lovely Suzy for all your additions and everything else, and to Beegurl13 for prereading.**

* * *

**High Anxiety**

**Chapter 43~ Untouchable**

**After tonight, who knows where we'll be tomorrow  
What if we're never here again?  
After tonight, this will be a lifetime ago  
So lets stay up until the sky bleeds red**

**You're like a dream ****That I have just awoken from  
Fading away, just out of reach  
And we are here  
But I already miss you  
Even as your lying next to me**

**We're gonna stop, stop, stop the world from moving**  
**Stop, stop, stop the planets from turning**  
**Stop this night from fading awayme**

**Bravery~ Ours**

**~Edward~**

Dr. Kate slid her notebook across the desktop, resting the fancy pen atop of the paper, which signified the end of the session. I hadn't been watching the clock and the hour had gone by quicker than usual. I suppose what they say about time flying when you were having fun could work here. Talk of baseball, Bella, and sex were the topics of the day, and though I had been embarrassed to speak of my intimacies with my shrink, it made me happy. And maybe a little horny.

I rose from my chair, pulling my soggy jacket from the back of the seat. It was unusually cold for early June, pouring in standard Forks sized buckets outside today. I was looking forward to getting home to warmth and food. And maybe some boobie gropes if time permitted in Bella's busy schedule.

"See you next Tuesday, Edward. Oh, and good luck on that trigonometry final!" Dr. Kate dismissed me with a genuine smile. It kind of made me feel as though she actually liked me and maybe even enjoyed my sessions now that I was back to "normal" and completely free of the Lexapro. And I hadn't taken a Xanax since…shit, I couldn't even remember the last time it had been so long.

With approval from my dad, Dr. Kate and Dr. Hardwick, who was the psychiatrist that monitored my meds, I had gone off the antidepressants right after Valentine's Day. I had been doing really fucking great as far as the depression and anxiety were concerned, neither issue making a much unwanted reappearance. The time had come where I knew I didn't need the pills as a crutch anymore. Nevertheless, I was so fearful of a relapse that it prolonged the amount of time I should have been on them. Therefore, instead of going completely off, I had the dosage lowered, but the eventual side effects only decreased slightly.

Besides the slight weight gain, which no one noticed but me and Bella because she saw me naked so often, the pills were messing with my sexual function and under the circumstances, that was completely unacceptable.

The normal side effects of prolonged use of antidepressants were decreased libido. But probably because of my raging teenage hormones, I don't think that if they pumped me with a truck load of the shit my sex drive would be decreased. I wanted it all the time. I mean all the fucking time.

The thing was that I could get hard at the drop of a hat, especially after viewing Bella wearing some of the lacy shit I'd bought her, but there were more times than I could count when I couldn't fucking come no matter how hard I (or Bella) tried and that was maddening. Sometimes I would stay painfully hard for hours after jerking off and still not be able to release. I'd always thought to myself when I heard those commercials about an erection lasting more than four hours, that if that were me I would call every girl I knew...no disrespect to Bella, of course...but now when it happened to me I just wanted to curl up in a fetal position and sulk. I mean, after all the crap I had been through, being able to touch and fondle and fuck but not achieve orgasm was like getting sucker punched in the balls.

El Capitan and the Family Jewels were being held hostage by the evil cum monster...but being the good pirate that I was...I refused to walk the plank and took control of the ship. The flag was dropped and it was now smooth sailing from here on in.

Yeah, and you know your life is just plain sad when you're using pirate metaphors to explain your erectile dysfunction.

So, that being said, I finally made the decision to lose the meds all together, despite the fact that I was completely terrified to feel the darkness of the depression ever again. But other than the fact that I was having sexual issues, everything in my life was so positive now that falling into a depression was extremely unlikely. If anything could make me depressed it was that I was seventeen years old and couldn't fucking ejaculate. Thank God I was skilled at going down on Bella, because without that distraction, she would surely have thought me less of a man. Well, probably not, but I certainly fucking felt like it at times.

But now…things were good, really fucking good and I almost didn't want to admit _how _good because I was afraid the mere mention of it would jinx it all.

I grinned back at Dr. Kate, inwardly scoffing at the thought of ever needing luck with trig. It was easy as breathing to me.

"Thanks. Have a good week," I replied with a wave as I slipped out the door, quietly shutting it behind me. The days of slamming it as I departed a particularly trying session in heated fury were long gone. Sometimes I actually thought I missed those semi-violent rages, to be very honest. There was something very cleansing about them, but I just didn't have it in me anymore.

Thank God.

Dr. Kate's next patient was waiting in the foyer of her office, slumped in his chair with a permanent scowl on his face, looking like this was the last place he wanted to be. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't so bad, that if he opened up it would undoubtedly help him and possibly change his outlook and maybe even his whole damn life. Instead, I snickered silently as I walked past, keeping my mouth shut because eventually he would figure it out on his own. Hey, if Idid it than anyone could.

On the drive home, I spoke with Emmett about him planning to surprise everyone by coming home for the summer, which wasn't in his original plan to take classes straight through into the fall. I think maybe him wanting to be with Rose (and quite possibly his missing Claire) had a lot to do with it, but he said he was just homesick and needed a break. He hadn't been home since spring, and everyone really missed him, especially me.

Throughout the year, we usually made it habit to speak about once or twice a week. He made sure I was keeping up with my running and daily workouts as well as making sure I wasn't falling off track in other areas, which I assured him would never happen again. I think he was the most excited about me going to play baseball this year, knowing that it would be a pinnacle season for me.

I passed the Forks Diner and chuckled as I listened to a message from Kimberly, her sweet little voice trying desperately to coerce me to into convincing Edward to buy her a pony for her fifth birthday. And then Edward's voice interjected the call with a frustrated sigh, asking me to give him a ring when I could, and that under no circumstances was my sister getting a pony.

I missed them both. Edward had come into Seattle in October for business and returned again in February, the latter time bringing Kimberly with him. I spent a few days with just the two of them, before Bella joined us in the city. It was weird for me, because I felt as though I was living two lives, and cheating on my real family with the people I was just trying to get to know. Bella's presence provided a sort of balance between the two different parts of my life, a constant, grounding force for me. Always.

When I pushed open my front door, the smell made me want to literally skip my way into the busy kitchen. Of course, it was Tuesday which was Bella's night to cook and that always meant everyone was on time and eagerly salivating for whatever she served.

"Hi Beautiful," I whispered, kissing her lips tenderly. "Dinner smells great. It that Chicken Cordon Bleu?" I asked in an overly exaggerated French accent. I was fucking famished. Even though my sessions with Dr. Kate were a lot less stressful than they used to be, all the talking and emotional expression made me ravenous.

There was a twinkle in her eye as she smirked up at me. "Oui, mon amour," she chuckled. "Therapy was good?" Bella kept her voice low, despite the noises from the food cooking drowning out our conversation. Not that it was some big secret that I saw a shrink, but I appreciated her discretion nonetheless.

I nodded with a smile, nuzzling her ear until she pushed me away playfully with her hip and giggled, "Beat it, Monsieur Horndog. You're gonna make me burn le dinner."

Even though my kitchen was full of watchful eyes, my family had gotten used to and quite tolerant of us being outwardly affectionate with each other, especially since Bella had moved in. Just after his and Maggie's wedding in November, Charlie suddenly announced that a very generous offer had been made on their house. We were all completely taken off guard by this, because neither Bella nor I had even realized that the house was still on the market at that point. It hadn't been mentioned in ages. Bella still had that stack of for sale signs that she'd eventually painted over and used to advertise for the senior car wash. We assumed Charlie had just abandoned the idea and would just keep the living arrangements the same until Bella left for college.

But Fork's new deputy police chief, his wife, and their two toddler sons needed a permanent residence and they presented much too good of an offer to pass up considering the crappy housing market. Charlie liked the irony of the idea that it was another generation of cop residing in his home, and Bella appreciated the fact that a family with children would have the same enjoyment with the house that she did as a kid. My father on the other hand, was completely disgruntled with the notion of his baby daughter growing up next door to two young boys, knowing that his own teenage sons were actively screwing the girls who lived down the block. Somehow, history seemed destined to repeat itself.

Just after New Year's, Bella moved upstairs into the guest suite at my parent's insistence, as well as to my delight. It was a hell of a lot easier to sneak out of her bedroom down the hall from mine than it was to trek through the rain from her father's house undetected in the wee hours of the morning. Not that my parents didn't know we slept together at night, because believe me though we were very discreet, I was given the unnecessary birth control lecture on a fucking weekly basis. (My poor dad put more rubbers on bananas than an educated top notch physician should have to do.) However, Charlie was still in denial regarding his daughter's sexual activity and it was Bella's intention to keep it that way for as long as possible. And since I liked _not_ being castrated, the sentiment went for me as well.

It was my opinion that he probably thought his teenage daughter was much better off residing in a home supervised by two adults than in one that had little supervision at all. The funny thing was that regardless of whether there were two adults at home or none, we were still fooling around as much as we possibly could, making up for almost a year of opportunities that had been missed.

Just to be clear, it wasn't a simple decision for Charlie to agree to this. There was a great deal of consideration by both Charlie and Renee as well as a lot of reassurance from my parents that it was in Bella's best interest to keep her in Forks for the remainder of her senior year. After Bella had put her foot down in refusing to move, Charlie was really left with no choice but to comply. It boiled down to Charlie wanting to prevent their relationship from falling apart as it did the previous year, as well as Bella pointing out that if he moved mid year she wouldn't get the scholarship she had worked so hard to get. But Charlie also knew that the only other option was to get her an apartment and it would be considered somewhat negligent on his behalf to do something like that, given her age. And really, no ex-police chief wants Child Protective Services pounding on their door. He also knew damn well that if she did get her own place, we'd eventually end up living there together anyway, completely unsupervised. Because really? We were seventeen. How much longer could our parents have a say in what we did?

I had never told anyone this, but I was apprehensive that he might kind of drop the ball as far as Bella was concerned, considering he was living three hours away with his new wife and she had other adults assuming responsibility for her. But I was really impressed with Charlie's effort with his daughter after the house was sold. Even in the midst of his newly wedded bliss, he called her every single night and arranged dinners with her every other Sunday, which was all Bella could really handle anyway, what with her busy schedule and all.

Most of the time I accompanied her, which was actually somewhat pleasant because Charlie had finally warmed up to me. Either that or he was a damn good actor and busied himself with secretly plotting my untimely demise while we ate mediocre Italian food. Nevertheless, I made sure to sufficiently kiss his ass with talk of baseball and give him updates on the scouts that had been visiting me from various universities, so that he would realize that I did not in fact spend every waking moment with his daughter naked and bent over the arm of my couch. Though that is _exactly_ how I would have preferred to spend my waking hours, unfortunately even two people as sex starved as Bella and I had been had to have some kind of social life with our clothes on.

In exchange for her new living quarters at my house, Bella was adamant about earning her keep so to speak, which was entirely unnecessary…but that was my Bella. My mom arranged for Bella to babysit Claire a few hours a week so that she could run errands and take care of appointments and whatnot. It wasn't like sitting for Claire was a chore really. Claire was a great baby and she was at that age where she was doing new stuff everyday, so she was actually fun to watch. We took her out all the time for walks in the stroller when the weather permitted and it wasn't uncommon for Bella and I to be lying on the floor with Claire trying to get her to sit up on her own. It was funny, because even in a small town where everyone knew one another's business, there was always that one judgmental asshole who gave us the stare down, like we were the sinners who'd had a baby out of wedlock.

But I thought that Bella considered watching Claire practice for the real thing. To be very honest, though getting my girl pregnant was the last thing that either of us needed, there was a part of me that couldn't wait to have my own family with her. Though, as much as I loved my sister, Bella was _enamored _with her in a way that as a male, I could never truly understand. Claire's reaction to Bella was a beautiful sight. Her eyes would grow wide and she'd give her this big cheesy smile, reaching to be held by her surrogate sister.

The cooking however, Bella took upon herself because she couldn't stomach the crap meals my mother continued to serve. On another side note…I mean, jeez already. Esmom had successfully gotten pregnant and had a healthy baby, so what the fuck was up with the continuing to torture us with the organic shit? I swore the second I moved out I was going to gorge myself on nothing but M&M's, Twinkies and Pepsi. Talk about the Freshman Fifteen, it'd be more like fifty for me.

In my boredom, I'd actually pondered the idea that if girls' boobs grew when they gained weight, then would my cock get bigger? Not that it needed to but…I digress.

Anyhow, in reality, the living situation wasn't that big of a deal really, because Bella practically lived with us anyway. Now it was just official. Besides the fact that Alice, Rose and Bella's constant presence sort of made up for Emmett's absence.

Their very last night in the house, after everything had been packed and cleaned, sorted and brought to the storage facility, Bella sent me a text to go outside on my balcony. I'd been exhausted from helping her all day, but relieved that this would be the last night we would sleep apart. Obediently, I followed her direction, sliding down the side of the house to wait for her image to appear in the bedroom window. It had been months since I had sat in that position, wanton voyeurism sadly, a thing of my past.

In the window stripped bare of curtains and blinds, Bella danced seductively, stripping off her top, then her bottoms, solely for my benefit. With my phone on speaker, I listened to the music and (simultaneously whacked off) as she perched her body in the sill, touching her breasts and then fingering her herself until she came. And when she was done, she pointed to herself, made a heart shape against the pane and then pointed to me. She loved me and I had been completely forgiven for my past transgressions. And I will never forget that moment for as long as I lived.

Sometimes, I'd find her sitting outside on the front steps, or perched on the brick surrounding the koi pond, just staring at her old house. She never appeared sad, just taciturn in her reminiscing. Often she'd watch the little boys who now occupied the space with a smile on her face, wondering if they had discovered our tree house. And sometimes, when the weather was decent, she and I would sit on Charlie's old porch swing, (which Jasper and I had stolen and put in our backyard), and Bella would tell me stories of endless fishing trips with Charlie and Billy, and the crazy shit she did with the girls. I'd tell her about my family vacations, and the funny stuff that my brothers and I experienced as kids. We knew so much about one another, yet there was still so much to learn.

Right before the house went to closing, I snapped a photo of it. Along with an old picture of a five year old Bella sitting on Charlie's lap, I took both shots to a local artist in Port Angels to have them merged and made into a painting, superimposing father and daughter onto the porch swing. I actually had two done, one for Bella and the other for Charlie, just so they would never forget all the memories that were made there.

Cause when I kissed ass I went all out.

"As long as you're making dinner, I'll take care of dessert," I whispered into Bella's ear. She gave me a spoonful of cream sauce to taste, which was way too good to have been entirely organic.

Upon realizing the sexually laced comment, she rolled her eyes. "Oh, let me guess, cockcakes with nuts?" Yeah, she knew me too well. I had two years of immature sexual innuendos to catch up on. It was a rite of passage, even for me.

"Chocolate _Ed_clairs," I corrected. "With extra cream."

She nudged me away again, this time clearly not finding amusement in my tasteless jokes. I made my way over to my mom, who was feeding the baby some mushy green shit that I was guessing was comprised of either peas or green beans. I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and then placed a big scrunchy one on Claire's nose, wiping away the…yep nasty ass mashed peas…off my lips. She had gotten two teeth on the bottom, giving her this ridiculously cute little grin. The way she beamed up at me made my insides flutter, green shit and everything. I loved this kid to death.

Alice, who'd been submerged in studying for a chemistry final next to my brother and Rose, batted her lashes and puckered her lips jokingly for a kiss too. I leaned down as if I were going to kiss her, instead flicking her forehead hard. She squealed and moved to stab me with her pencil, but my lightening fast reflexes were too quick for her. I'd left a nice red mark where I flicked her and felt bad, so I rubbed it and apologized.

Rose tilted her head impatiently, silently asking me to come over. I peered over her shoulder taking a quick glance at her work.

"Immiscible," I corrected, pointing to her mistake. "Immiscible liquids are two liquids that do not dissolve in one another. Oil and water, for example." _Or Rose and Edward._

Rose crossed out her answer and replaced it with the correct one, adding a muttered, "Nerd," for my benefit. A stiff elbow jab to her arm forced her to laugh and mutter, "Thank you, Edward…but you are still a big old nerd."

"And you're still a big old bi…"

My mother's shrill voice abruptly cut me off. "Language!"

Rosalie and I had never really gotten along for whatever reason, particularly since she'd squealed on me. But what we shared was more like brother-sister bickering than actual distain for one another. The winter basketball season sort of put a Friday night truce in place for us, seeing as how Jasper was playing on the court, and Alice, Bella and Angela were on the floor cheering for the team. That left Rose and me to our own devices, so we made a point to drive to the games together and sit with one another, playfully arguing the entire duration of the game. She'd call me stupid names like, "Zac Efron wannabe," because I'd grown my hair out long, and I would retaliate by calling her a dumb blonde, which wasn't really true, but it pissed her off nonetheless.

As much as we pretended to hate each other, we really didn't. I'd grown to actually like her over the year. When Em first left for school, she had come over a lot to just sit alone in his room, which made me really sad for her because I missed him too and I could only imagine what she was experiencing. Sometimes I would keep her company and we'd watch a movie or listen to music, and once, I'd even tried to comfort her with a hug when she was drunk at a bonfire and crying over missing Emmett so much.

We were friends, but not really. Frenemies maybe. Either way, Rosalie was a constant presence in my house since Bella moved in. All that was missing in the house was Emmett.

Immediately after cleaning up the dinner dishes, Bella and I played with Claire a bit before she pulled out her laptop, as per her nightly ritual. Homework was done immediately after cheer practice, but it was in the evenings after dinner when she worked so diligently on her "Crusade," as we were not-so jokingly labeling it.

After Tori's suicide, Bella had begun to research cyber bullying to the point that she was a little obsessed, and that was putting it nicely. Upstairs in her apartment, the surface of the coffee table and just about any available spot in the spare bedroom were littered with documents and printed web pages of Washington state laws, cyber bullying prevention organizations and outreach counseling programs. Bella uncovered every single bit of information she could on the cause, endlessly researching and speaking to any available parties who would help her. At first, she was considering going to law school, which Charlie almost keeled over and died from pride when he heard her mention interest. But after Bella had hit some very frustrating snags in the road, she decided that she really hated the legal system and the bullshit that it took to make even a tiny bit of difference.

The thing was, that cyber safety was a difficult topic to addressbecause peoples right to privacy and freedom of speech. So technically what was said through text messages, emails, tweets and website posts could be considered subjective, even if it caused people to kill themselves. It was actually illegal to forward the text and pics because it could be considered defamation of character and possibly the distribution of child pornography, depending on the subject in question. However, the police had a hard time tracing anything because things were forwarded too fast and the lines got jumbled, so no one could possibly know where the original message was sent from. It was a lot of red tape and a whole lot of bullshit, really. And it was immensely frustrating.

And the worst part, was that any bored loser with too much time on their hands and no morals could create a website under an anonymous name and completely defame the character of any random person, and nothing could really be done about it. The thing I was banking on was karma, because I was a strong believer in the idea of 'what comes around goes around.' Maybe those people would end up having kids that were cyber bullied one day, and then they would see how wrong they were to think that what they were doing was harmless fun. I wouldn't wish that one anyone, but like I said, I believed that what you put out into the world was what you got back.

In the course of Bella's research, she learned that it was actually education and prevention that were the real ways to prevent these internet related tragedies from happening. That is what she focused on mainly; while still adamant about getting some kind of law passed that would punish those who invaded the rights and privacy of minors through the internet.

Just after Christmas break, Bella convinced Mrs. Meyers to let her form a peer counseling group, which Alice, Rose and Angela got involved in as well. Then after the success of that, she persuaded our principal to allow a cyber bullying prevention organization to come in and speak during a school wide assembly. It was all anyone could talk about for days afterward; because it really raised awareness to the teachers and opened the eyes of kids who had never before considered that what they had been doing could be hurtful or harmful even. Soon, all the junior and senior high schools in the Olympic Peninsula followed suit, creating some local media attention that Bella used to her advantage in further spreading the word. She had become sort of a neighborhood celebrity.

"I just want to make people understand that words can be damaging and pictures can destroy lives and futures. Be responsible. Be honest. Be kind to one another," she had said to one of the reporters who had filmed her for a local news story. It was kind of surreal to see my beautiful girl's face on the TV. I was so fucking proud of her.

But despite Bella's newfound fame, she worked tirelessly, putting on a smiling face even when she had some major setbacks. There was the time at the beginning when she'd gotten over three thousand signatures petitioning Washington State to put cyber bullying laws into effect, only to learn that the signatures of anyone under eighteen were void because they were not penned by registered voters. She then had to start from scratch, the next time earning over five thousand signatures when she hit the local colleges, inciting interest because Tori had been a college student. Then she had tried to contact some government officials regarding the issue, but all she ever received in return were standard "thank you for your interest" letters. The only person she could seem to get to listen to her was the senator from Port Angeles, who again was very aware of Tori's story, which Bella had come to use to her advantage whenever she needed to. It was he who finally was able to get Bella an actual meeting with the higher ups at the State Capitol.

Bella and I took a trip to Olympia over spring break where she had a meeting with three of the senators and a governor. They listened intently to her speech and her proposition to impose the law that many other states already had. She had lists of names, the majority of them girls, who had attempted suicide because of harassment through the internet of phone. She seemed very convincing, though again, there was another problem. She needed someone to advocate for her to propose the bill because Bella was not yet eighteen. We left the capital building slightly dejected yet hopeful that in September she could return to complete the task herself as a registered voter. I offered to vouch for her on my birthday, which was three months earlier than hers, but she said she wanted to do this herself.

In all of this, I had learned not only more than I could ever want to about how to turn a bill into a law, but specifically stuff about Bella. See, right after she began this whole thing, I felt a bit slighted. Okay, well, more than a bit. I was pissed. It was at least two full months of seeing Bella with her face constantly basking in the blue glow of a laptop screen, when I had grown weary of being ignored, neglected and pushed aside for the cause. I tried to be as supportive and helpful as I could, praising her when she accomplished something, organizing her workspace more efficiently and accepting the research assignments she dolled out with a smile on my face, accepting that she wouldn't hang out another night because she was busy with her research. It was annoying to say the least and I didn't appreciate being cast aside. I'd even considered sending pictures of me naked to her phone just to get her attention. I appreciated the irony there, but somehow I doubted she would, so I abandoned the idea and jerked off instead.

At the time, I knew how important it was for her to do this, but I had no idea what the extent of it was.

It was the night of Connor's eighteenth birthday. His house was packed with juniors and seniors from Forks and Port Angeles, partying like rock stars and discussing which colleges were in consideration, and working out very premature prom details. Typical shit. From across the room, I'd watched Bella engaged in a conversation with the girls I recognized from the party last year as well as the funeral—Tori's friends. At some point in the conversation, Bella had become visibly upset and asked to go home, using the excuse that she didn't feel well. But I knew it was more than that. On the ride back to my house, or rather _our house,_ I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said no, so I let it go.

We'd been lying in my bed listening to the rain, and admittedly, I had been trying to get her aroused despite the fact that she was so melancholy. Bella kept shrugging my hand away, trying to nestle herself deeply into the crook of my arm. After a while I gave up on getting some and just accepted that it wasn't going to happen that night.

I started to drift off when Bella whispered, "She left a note."

I thought maybe she was talking in her sleep, which she did on occasion, but without having to ask she clarified, "Tori. She left a suicide note. Her parents found it but the content wasn't made public. She was so tortured, Edward. She was so alone." Her voice broke at the end, leading to quiet sobs that vibrated against my chest. I stroked her back and her arm, softly shushing her, not really knowing how to respond to any of what she was saying.

Call me an insensitive asshole, but I just couldn't understand why it upset her to that caliber. She didn't know Tori at all, she'd never spoken a word to her. There were thousands of young girls that died every day, why was she so affected by this one person? It had nothing to do with my limited involvement with the girl, so my lack of understanding in her obsessive interest in Tori was baffling.

I listened to her cry, wondering what the fuck could have set her off this hard, what Tori's friends could possibly have said. And then like a sudden proverbial light bulb bursting to life over my head the connection occurred to me. The real reason Bella moved to Forks.

"Baby?" I whispered. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was certain Bella could feel the rapid increase as I worked up the gumption to ask her. With a thick swallow, and a voice that no longer felt like my own, I asked softly, "Did you try to hurt yourself in California?"

It made sense. The severe panic attacks, the therapists, the meds, the move to Forks, the pot smoking…

The strangled sound of her answering sob solidified my fear. While my head was swirling with thoughts, I pulled her into my chest as tightly as I could, realizing that I should have known a long time ago how broken she really was. How could I not have known this? Damn she was a good actress.

"God, I love you so much," I whispered, for a lack of anything else to calm her or myself for that matter. It was all I could think about; how this girl who single handedly gave me my life back had even entertained the notion of ending her own life at one dark point.

Baby on her lap or not, I wish I had reamed that fucking bitch Bree when I had the chance. I had never even contemplated hitting a woman before now, not even Charlotte way back when. But Bree deserved my wrath for precipitating the events that led to Bella feeling like she was unworthy of living.

It was a long while that we stayed in a quiet embrace, only the steady thrum of the rain on the balcony and my heartbeat in my ears. I stroked her back, her arms, her face, kissing her forehead so she would know I loved her without question.

She expelled a long sigh before she spoke. "I didn't devise like…an actual plan or anything, you know? I just thought…I needed to stop feeling so…alone." Bella took an audible gulp before she whispered, "I was just so lonely, I didn't know what else to do. It was just me and my mom and she tried to keep me occupied, but I needed more than her, I guess. There was no one to talk to, no one who understood what I was going through, no one who was on my side. I went from having more friends than I knew what to do with to absolutely no one all in the time it took to push a fucking send button." Bella's voice remained nasally and calm as she spoke, but her tears had subsided, leaving behind only an occasional sniffle.

From what I knew of Renee personally and in the stories Bella told of her, she tried her best raising Bella for the most part. But considering she had a store to run and a new husband to keep happy, I could very well guess how much time was concentrated on Bella's situation. And while I knew first hand what it was like to lose all your friends and any semblance of social life in an instant, I could certainly relate to how isolated and lonely Bella must have felt. The difference was that I still had my brothers…my best friends, to support me as well as both my parents and grandparents. I had felt lonely yes, but never alone.

"That's when you started therapy?"

She nodded into my chest, unable or maybe unwilling to look at me. "And the antidepressants. My mom saw how withdrawn I had eventually become and she finally forced me into therapy with Dr. Greene. It helped tremendously and I probably should have continued the sessions here but I was a different person by the time I got here. But I think that if my mom hadn't had the inkling to make me see someone, I might have…well, things might have gone another way."

I nodded my head in understanding. With that knowledge I would never question Bella's actions toward her crusade again.

**~%~**

"We are going to look like such tools if we both wear these today! Everyone is gonna make fun of us!" she said in a whine, holding the blue and gold tee shirt against her very voluptuous chest. I already had mine on, proudly displaying my future.

"Oh, what? Are you worried about Mike Newton having something to say about it?" I scoffed, knowing Mike barely made it into the community college at Port Angeles, never mind an accredited university such as UCLA.

We had waited up to the last minute to inform Charlie and Renee of our intention to attend UCLA together, because Bella knew they would both have strong reservations about it. My parents on the other hand, were content and proud of whatever I had chosen, though my father did make it clear that he was disappointed I didn't accept the admission to Harvard. But I wasn't leaving Bella behind, and that being said, I made him promise to never let her know about the acceptance because she would surely feel guilty for keeping me from attending an Ivy League school. It wasn't important to me.

Charlie had urged her to attend a university that was somewhere close, like UW. And Renee…well she apparently wanted Bella to fuck every other guy but me to assert her independence or some stupid feminist shit, so she wasn't exactly thrilled. But when we finally let them know, their reaction wasn't as bad as we thought. Charlie was actually happy that someone would be looking after her and Renee was quite pleased that Bella would be so close to her and Phil.

Basically, Bella had left the choice up to me once I was presented the best offer for a baseball or academic scholarship, one of which I was practically guaranteed to receive. Because of her academic record and extracurricular activities, she could go just about anywhere she wanted, but she was waiting on me to pick a school. Though I loved the idea of her wanting to be with me no matter where we went, it had been daunting and sort of a huge responsibility knowing that her future was literally in my hands with the school I ultimately chose for us.

Neither of our respective sets of parents knew that had been our plan and we had no intention of telling them until all was said and done. We knew that there would no doubt be lectures and a fuck load of parental protests to be independent from one another and what if we broke up and what if we grew apart and blah blah blah, but neither Bella or I wanted to hear it. We were going to college together and that was fucking final.

In the end, it was UCLA who offered me a full baseball scholarship, thanks in part to Phil informing the right people to come watch me play. I owed him more than I could ever repay for getting the scouts to come out to Bumfuck, Washington, which if I hadn't been pimped out by Phil, they would never have come.

I was so fucking excited to start in the Pre-med program in the fall. Bella had been accepted into their Psych program, where she received not only a partial academic scholarship from the university, but also a pretty large scholarship from Forks High for all her achievements as an outstanding student. Eventually, it was her goal to do a graduate externship in their Youth Stress and Mood program which focused on depression and suicide in teens.

My girl was going to be a doctor too. _Dr. Isabella Cullen._

With graduation two days away we were both excited and admittedly a little scared.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right, I'll wear it." She slid it over her bikini top, gathering the extra fabric up in the back to tie in a knot. The hem landed right above her jeweled belly button dangling with my initial, leaving enough skin to look sexy but not enough to look slutty. When she turned and slipped on those damn denim cutoff shorts that were way too fucking short for the general public I put my foot down.

"I don't think so."

She arched an eyebrow at me. "What? What's wrong with my shorts?"

"Your ass cheeks are hanging out of them."

She clicked her tongue on the roof of her mouth in annoyance turning around to check out her rear in the mirror. "My ass cheeks are not hanging out."

They were _so_ hanging out. Trust me. All the little threads from the jeans were actually dangling over the ass cheeks in question. Perfect, fucking round… I didn't want to be one of those controlling boyfriends who dictated what their girl did or wore or whatever, but it was the equivalent to me parading around in a thong. Totally inappropriate.

I leaned over and pinched her exposed ass cheek…hard.

She yelped and smacked me. "Ow, fucker! What's the big deal? I'm wearing a bathing suit underneath here and you have no problem with me walking around half naked in a bikini, but you have issues with shorts?"

"It's different," I said, rummaging through her drawer to find something more appropriate for our senior picnic at the beach. "The shorts leave too much to the imagination, whereas the bikini leaves nothing to the imagination and…" It was hard to explain my teenage guy logic.

Her hand went defiantly to her hip as her foot tapped impatiently on the floor. She cocked her head to the side. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's just…they are short and tight and they reveal what's mine to all of those assholes that I don't want looking at you." And I knew damn well that a handful of those pathetic motherfuckers would be using the memory of her perfect ass to jerk off to later on.

She pulled the frayed edges of the shorts down which did absolutely nothing to conceal her butt. "See…all better. Can we go now?"

Since Bella and I had both been on the senior activities committee, I was well aware of the events scheduled for the picnic—tug of war, volley ball, three legged race, shit like that. If she participated in any of the games, there would be issues.

I tossed one of her scarves at her, grabbing an end. "Pull." She rolled her eyes knowing that I was doing a demonstration of tug of war. I pulled as hard as I could, totally taking advantage of my strength over hers. She dug her feet into the carpet in retaliation but eventually I yanked her hard enough to land her on her all fours with her legs spread wide, ultimately proving my point. The shorts had ridden up so high I could practically see her pussy.

I pointed at the offensive garment as she righted herself. "The slut shorts are going in the garbage right now. Look…look at that, Bella. That's what they are all gonna see." She turned so that she could view herself in the mirror. Talking a good look at her ass all hanging out, I got hard. It didn't take much and well… slutty or not, it was fucking hot. And she knew by the way I was looking at her like a hunk of meat what she did to me.

"E…they can look all they want. But they can't touch," she said in a seductive whisper as she walked slowly toward me. "You…" she stood on her tiptoes sliding her hands up the front of my chest to place a kiss on my neck. "Are the only boy…that can touch me." I slid my fingers roughly up the backs of her thighs and cupped her ass in my palms.

"Fuck right, I am." I tilted my head to the side to let her kiss and suck and whatever the fuck she wanted to do to me. "Do we have time?" I panted, knowing that if we were really pressed I could get this done in five minutes flat.

She peeked over to look at her bedside alarm clock. "Well, considering we are heading the committee for this shindig, and as Prom King and Queen fulfilling our royal duties and whatever the hell we're supposed to do, we probably should have left ten minutes ago. Plus, Rose and Em are waiting for us downstairs."

Since Emmett's arrival home two weeks ago, he and Rosalie had been joined at the hip…as well as other places. Technically, only Forks High School seniors were supposed to be at the picnic, but Emmett and his dimples would surely figure out a way to charm one of the newer teachers into letting him stay.

"Fuck them, they can wait." I glanced at our mangled crowns from prom night still sitting on Bella's dresser. Jasper had said we were such a ridiculous cliché, the two fucked up teenagers all fixed and perfect, rising to the occasion. We'd been relegated to a bad Disney movie. The thing was that neither Bella nor I were fixed or perfect. We'd overcome some serious shit, sure, but we still had a long way to go and neither of us were in denial about that fact.

My cock twitched. "Shit. Can we…" Before I could even finish the sentence, Bella was sliding down my body, dropping to her knees. Her hands moved to the waistband of my shorts, unzipping them, pulling them down, and exposing my cock to her warm mouth. As she drew her tongue up the shaft, and gripped me with one hand, I braced myself against her dresser, watching her image in the mirror. Her ass now looked fucking perfect, hanging out of those shorts and I briefly reconsidered promoting them to her lingerie drawer as opposed to the trash.

With a glance between our bodies, I watched with rapt awe the way her lips moved along the taught skin, engulfing my full length in her mouth. I didn't know how the fuck she did it, but she managed to get all of me in there to the hilt without gagging like she used to. She was my fucking blowjob hero. And though I didn't like to think about it, I knew that her skills came from tips given to her by Rosalie, which was another reason why I couldn't find it in me to dislike her.

I rubbed my thumb along Bella's cheekbone as she pulled me in and out of her mouth with precise rhythm. "Baby, that feels so fucking good…keep going just like that… I'm almost there."

I was so fucking close to coming, all I needed was a few more minutes, but I could sense by the change in the tension of her mouth that Bella's jaw was getting tired.

"Oh fuck…can you just…cup my balls or something?" I begged in a hoarse whisper and as soon as her palm massaged me, I came roughly into her mouth, my knees weak and trembling. When the last spurt emptied me, I brushed the hair off my sweaty forehead and stroked Bella's head lovingly in gratitude. She rose from the floor with puffed cheeks, running to the bathroom to spit into the toilet.

"You are supposed to consider that a gift, you know," I called after her as I wiped myself clean and zipped my shorts. It was sort of irritating knowing that I'd finally been able to come like a normal person and she was spewing out the fruits of all my hard work.

"Ah yes, the gift of sperm breath," she smirked sardonically, emerging from the bathroom freshly rinsed. "You certainly know how to treat a girl."

I laughed, raising a knowing eyebrow. "And if you burp it up it's the gift that keeps on giving." I pulled her toward me as she muttered that I was fucking gross.

"That's just…God, you are such a _boy_." Bella shook her head and went to answer the pounding on the door.

Rose and Em entered the suite, her clearly annoyed, him, taking a whiff of the air and announcing that it smelled like sex in there.

Em took one look at her shorts, and simply remarked, "Nice ass, Tink."

Before I could even open my mouth, she was rolling her eyes, marching back to her room while muttering, "All right already, I'm changing!"

_Ha ha. I win_.

**~%~**

To all of our surprise, the sun graced us with its presence the morning of graduation which happened to be the day before my birthday. I had woken up extra early with the intention of going over my Valedictorian speech one final time. I'd written and re-written the damn thing seven million times in my natural OCD way, specifically trying to avoid trite clichés about bullshit that no one cared about, but it still wasn't perfect. I'd been contemplating over which ending to use, when I decided that it didn't matter because I would figure it out when I got to the podium. Instead of obsessing, I woke Bella up, and dragged her into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Watching the sunrise together was something that had become sort of a tradition with us ever since my last morning California. On the rare occasion that it was sunny, even those mornings when it was fucking colder than a witch's tit, we'd grab a blanket and snuggle on my balcony, watching the sun make its ascent over the horizon. It was a breathtakingly beautiful experience, one that I couldn't really appreciate before I had Bella to enjoy it with.

_On a side note…why the hell were witches tits cold? Did they have poor circulation? Was it a side effect from all the spells and whatnot?_

That morning, when Bella brought my guitar outside with us, I thought she was going to ask me to serenade her. Instead, she smiled ruefully, surprising me with an obviously freshly learned rendition of "Happy Birthday," which she'd informed me she learned on the internet. She was so cute about it, singing shyly as she strummed and I thought it was incredibly sweet, even if it kinda made my ears bleed.

Once the commencement ceremony had been completed and my stupid speech successfully delivered with ending number two, the shortened summer stretched before us with promises of our last bits of real freedom. Our caps had been tossed and our gowns had been shed and forgotten, and the last yearbook pages had been signed. We were officially done with high school, and holy shit, I felt like I was on top of the world.

Family and friends gathered at my house under a balloon filled tent to celebrate our collective graduations and my turning eighteen, or my "becoming a man" as my mother put it while she lifted her champagne glass in a toast. That statement was refuted as my father quietly amended in front of all our guests that in his opinion, I had become a man quite some time ago. While I was wary of that, still coming to terms with my achievements and the hurdles I had managed to climb, I was humbled by the thought that my father felt I was worthy of this title. He'd told me countless times that I made him proud, but it still thrilled me to hear it. Though the attention embarrassed the shit out of me, Gramps, Charlie's, and Edward Sr.'s agreeing nods of approval made me feel like I was indeed, a man. Bella's squeeze on my hand told me she agreed as well. I didn't need weed to be high that night.

Edward and Kimberly made the trip out just for the occasion, finally coming face to face with my mother after sixteen years. He told me that he had asked Gianna for a divorce and he was in the middle of a very big custody battle, so it was the perfect opportunity to get Kimmy away from the city. He seemed sad, and though I wasn't the least bit fond of the Ice Queen Gianna, I did feel badly for their unfortunate situation.

It was quite a night. Awkward at first, but as the grownups consumed the alcohol while they mingled, things lightened up considerably. I never realized how much fun it was having everyone I loved around me for the first time in my life.

Towards the late evening, as I danced with my grandma to some oldies shit that I only indulged her with because I was drunk, I spotted my mom with both Kimberly and Claire asleep on her lap. Bella and Alice were dancing with Edward Sr. and my dad, and I had to say how weird the whole thing was. It seemed as though all the ill feelings previously harbored had been left in the past and acceptance had taken its place. I suppose that you could say that we were indeed a family, fucked up as we were. It was a definitely a modern family with all the intricate branches making for one ugly motherfucking tree but it was ours. And oddly enough, I realized yet another positive thing that came out of my situation—if I hadn't needed to get married, then I probably would have never reached out to him.

We celebrated well into the night, the kids sneaking off to smoke and drink in the tree house, while the adults were too bombed to notice. Bella and I took the opportunity to disappear upstairs, giddy and high on imported beer, champagne and freedom. She'd been wearing this sapphire blue dress that I couldn't wait to take off her. My hands had been discreetly roaming the whole night, over the firm mounds of her ass, the swell of her breasts, between her legs, until she couldn't take anymore teasing.

She invited me to her room where we stripped each other bare, slow dancing naked in her room to music floating from my iPod. My mouth moved to hers; soft, languorous kisses between giggles, gentle touches and words whispered sweetly between one another. She took my hands in hers, leading me across the room where she coaxed me to sit knee to knee with her in the center of the big bed. At first I thought she was trying Kamasutra or something, but I realized later that it was so much more then sexual pleasure.

All the times we'd been together, viewed one another's naked flesh, touched private places…before and after Chicago… had never been like this. She sat, legs open to me, wearing nothing but a shy smile, allowing me to take her in visually. I gave my body the same way for her, hands on my folded knees, feeling bold and brave, unashamed in my nakedness.

With a ghost like touch, she ran the tips of her fingers across my collarbones, down my shoulders to my fingertips, her nails still painted with leftover French manicure from the prom. Her eyes followed the path of her fingers as they brushed over my skin through the hairs on my arms and legs. She lit me on fire from the outside in, making me shiver in the wake of the trailing fingertips over the hills and valleys of each body part she touched. Her fingers grazed over the tops of my feet and then the soles, then over each toe, making me flinch with the tickle. She moved around to my back, asking me to rise on my knees so she could access all my skin. Bella paid extra attention to my ass, which I appreciated wholeheartedly.

She made the pass again and again, each time finding a new area to explore, finally ending with my face. She remained there the longest, taking her time to know the place where all of my expressions were made, where the words that spoke the _I love you's _were formed on my lips. We never broke eye contact, except for when I'd closed my eyes as she swept her thumbs over the lids. Occasionally, she would lean forward, silently beckoning me to lavish her lips with a kiss, eventually pulling away with her lip caught in her teeth. I felt so much love and devotion in this act, so much that it made my chest hurt. I had felt connected to Bella in such a way that I knew she was truly part of my soul.

Bella had thoroughly explored every spot on my body. However, she neglected to go near my prominent erection, which was waiting tolerantly for the gift of her hand. But this apparently, wasn't about sexual gratification at all.

When I asked what she was doing, her expression was thoughtful, the returning smile shy as she responded.

"I'm memorizing you…trying to etch you into my head." Her index finger curved over the shell of my ear down my jaw, her thumb sweeping along my bottom lip. "You'll be eighteen in an hour and I want to remember you like this forever. Seventeen forever."

Initially, I didn't understand exactly why she was doing this, but it occurred to me that at seventeen, one would be considered a child still. Eighteen was the passage into adulthood. Bella was trying to preserve my youth in her mind, under her fingertips with this act.

I decided that I wanted to do the same for her, to remember her always, every curve, every freckle, and every line of the girl I loved. Then I followed up the touching with kisses, peppering them over every inch of her body. Her moans became too much for me and when I entered her, it was slow and deep, her eyes boring into mine with so much affection and love it was difficult to breathe. When I came, she whispered, "Happy Birthday, baby."

I truly became a man when I turned eighteen that night.

**~%~**

There were quiet times when I was alone, or during the darkest parts of the night as sleep evaded me, when I wondered what my life would have become had I not met Bella. Things that were already in place would have certainly come to fruition. If I had kept my hands to myself, upon the arrival of my eighteenth birthday, I would have been freed from the restraining order as scheduled, forever seen as guilty in the eyes of everyone that used to know me. No redemption, no truth.

I might have gone on to community college after graduation, or I might have become a full-fledged drug addict masking the pain and depression, running away from everything I loved. I would never again have felt the stitching of a baseball in my palm, and I would likely have spent the majority of my days getting high and hiding from the demons that plagued my soul. And then of course, I would have never felt the sweetness of a kiss from a girl—the girl who saved that soul.

I might have drowned in self loathing and hatred for a world in where I would have never been able to see it for what it really was…a beautiful place with vast opportunities and rich experiences, sprinkled with bits of unfairness and malice. All of which, I now believe, are ultimately thrown in to make us grow and learn, and most of all, to make us appreciate the beautiful things we have.

I knew I had been given a shitty hand. Despite the fact that I had a great family behind me, it was Bella who was the one that kept me afloat. Her presence left me aware of the lingering burn, a reminder of what had been stolen from me and her smile made me ache for what I couldn't have, but in the end, it was those very things that made our love flourish and thrive. It was because we couldn't be together, that we fought so hard to not be apart.

With a kiss to her temple, I pulled Bella tighter in my lap to make room for the four other people crowding into the space, _our_ space. I leaned back against the house, yellow paint disturbingly brighter than I remembered and watched the people around me. Their words and laughter came out in short bursts, between occasional melancholy moments of remembrance and puffing of the joint we'd been passing. It was an homage to our childhood, as this was our last night together and we were saying goodbye.

In the morning, Emmett would be returning to school. The day after that, Jasper and then Rose, Bella and myself the following morning. Bella and I were packed and ready to go, our larger things already shipped to California, waiting for us to become college students Alice was staying behind, going to the community college in Port Angeles and then planning to join Jasper at UW next fall when she could afford to stay in a dorm. She'd gotten a job assistant teaching at a preschool for disabled children, and as sad as she was to be left behind, she was excited to start something new.

We'd already said our goodbyes to Ben, Connor, Tyler, Angela, and Eric at the last bonfire of the summer. It had been bittersweet, all the promises to keep in touch reminding us that a chapter in our lives had really ended and new ones were opening up. I was glad to have known them all, and privileged to have had them as friends.

I took the joint from Alice's fingers, putting the end to Bella's lips. She took a small hit, waving me to move it away when she'd had enough. I brought the joint to my mouth, pausing a moment to smile at Jasper, as he held Alice in his lap, laughing softly at something she'd said. An errant tear fell from her cheek, and he leaned forward, tenderly kissing it away. Instead of inhaling, I decided to pass the joint along, wanting to remember this day with a fresh head, the clarity of a cloudless sky.

How things had changed.

After tomorrow, nothing would be the same, our pasts forever making us the people we were in the present, molding us into the adults we were poised to become. We were all excited, and terrified of the unknown.

There were equal amounts of tears and laughter that day.

But amidst it all there was love, and the unspoken promise that we could rely on one another in any capacity, no matter what happened.

When the sun was just about to set behind the trees, we knew that it was time. With a sad sigh, Bella set up the timer function on her camera, all of us posing around the tree house, the random carvings of all our initials in the pink wooden plank as our backdrop.

We smiled our happiest smiles, my brothers and I with our arms circled around our girls, waiting for the flash to go off. When it finally did, the elated mood quickly turned somber. The girls gave Em hugs and we all sort of slunk off, leaving Em and Rose alone for another tearful good bye. It wasn't their first nor would it be their last, but it didn't seem to get any easier as time passed.

We took the path back up to the house, smiling shyly at one other, joyful knowing that we wouldn't have to say goodbye. The softness of Bella's hand in mine as I squeezed it, reminded me that I shouldn't be afraid because I was talking this journey with her by my side. My best friend, my love, my constant.

As we settled into Charlie's old porch swing, Bella laid her head on my shoulder, whispering that she loved me. I meshed my fingers with hers, resting our hands on her stomach just underneath the hem of her shirt. Without even thinking about it, I whispered the sentiment back reverently; the meaning never becoming trite or overused no matter how many times we uttered those words to one another.

"Are you going to miss it here?" she whispered with a sniff, her voice clearly shaken with emotion.

"Yeah of course, there are so many memories here. It's hard to imagine leaving my home behind. And…it's where I met you." I smirked, remembering the first night when I watched her get naked in her window. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

"I'm looking forward to making new memories."

"Yeah me too, Beautiful."

"E?" she asked, looking up at me. "Let's try for only _good_ ones this time around, okay?"

I smiled and nodded in agreement, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head as my arms squeezed her tighter to me. Neither of us had any idea of what our futures held and not a clue what roadblocks would stand in the way of our dreams. But we knew without a doubt that no matter what would be thrown our way, good or bad…would get through it together.

Because even with all the shit we had both endured over the last few years, and with all the changes and accomplishments that we'd both made, the strength and enormity of our love was only thing that had remained untouched.

**~%~**

**The End…**

**Well, sorta. In the spirit of closure, there will be a two part epi, one long one from Bella and then a shorter one from Edward that will take them into the future. I am hoping to have them both posted a few days apart by the end of ... yeah I originally said October-ish, but it's looking more like January/ Februaryish. **

**For those of you that have had enough, I thank you for reading, reviewing, and just sticking around through the HF and angst.**

**And because some of you expressed interest, (and because you know how I love to torture this Edward) there will also be an outtake, detailing the adventures of HA Bella and Edward and their journey toward buttsecks:) **

_**Recs:**_

**Shiver by Maggie Stievfater (not a fanfic, but a real book)- Girl gets bit by wolf, girl watches wolf from the forest for six years, girl figures out that wolf is actually boy, (and boy is hot), girl falls in love with boy and tries to prevent boy from turning back into wolf. The second book in the trilogy, Linger, is already out. It's really good, and has a much more modern and realistic feel that we're used to with Twilight books. (And they **_**do**_** it.)**

**Summer of Lethe's Demise by GothicTemptress- This is a beautifully written one shot about a stagnant marriage and a birthday forgotten, that will break your heart and then make you soar.**

**Died and Gone to Heaven by DoUTrustMe- this is so frigging funny. Bella loses her memory in an accident and all she can think of is sex and her hot doctor, who happens to be her husband. It's short, witty and a **_**must**_** read.**

**Of Kith and Kin by Chicklette- Honestly, I can't really give a true summary because I have no idea what the hell is going on. Its Bella and Edward, but that's about all I can reveal. It's so well written and mysterious and I love it, but have no clue what is happening. (This is why I don't have a job writing summaries for book jackets.)**

**Raw and Rosy by Tuesdaymidnight- Jasper and Edward are high school rivals, until one day Jasper finds out the Edward likes to be spanked and uh…other stuff. Its SLASH obviously, and very well done. **


	44. Chapter 44 Epilogue Part 1 Stay

**Here is part one of the epilogue. **

**This has been**** two years in the making, almost every single one of those days spent either writing, researching or planning the next set of insane events of HA with Suzy. Together, she and I have laughed, cried, argued, and squeed over things related to the story (and often not related because somehow we always seemed to go off on a Robert Pattinson or porn related tangent and then everything went to hell.) ****I couldn't have asked for a better partner, friend and the closest thing to a pervy older sister than I found in you. Thank you for being you, for listening, for shutting me up, for calming me down and for wanting to kick asses Jersey Shaw style when needed. You are amazing and I love you, and this story wouldn't have been half of what it is without you.**

**To all the people that have contributed to this story, Mel and livvi, for your legal expertise, Songster, for your experiences with delinquent teens, all the girls who gave song ideas, tips about Wisconsin, Chicago and Vegas, DPattinson for the info on the storyline that I didn't use (sorry bb), all of you who have taken the time to interview, rec, make banners and fun stuff, RoseArcadia for the blinkie, all the girls on the still live and active thread who've remained friends in my absence, and to my prereading girls, BellaLove72, Gothic Temptress, Mel, Tiffany and Beegirl13, thank you for your words and friendship.**

**Erika my fabulous comma correcting, ellipse fixing, red penning pain in the ass, I think you are amazing and beautiful and you rock so hard…I'm so fortunate to have had you with me for this. **

**If I've forgotten anyone, forgive me.**

**I want to thank every single one of you who has read the story, or left a review, when I was too overwhelmed or lazy to write back because admittedly, I suck like that. I thank each and every one of you for telling me how you felt, good or bad. Lastly, I want to thank those of you who've shared your stories about date rape, restraining orders, cyber bullying, and crazy first love. You inspire me. Thanks for sticking around through the angst and the HF and the HEA.**

**Aaaaaannnnd I'll shut up now. **

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Epilogue Part 1 ~ Stay**

**So far away from where you are **

**I'm standing underneath the stars **

**And I wish you were here **

**I miss the years that were erased **

**I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face **

**I miss all the little things **

**I never thought that they'd mean everything to me **

**Yeah I miss you **

**And I wish you were here **

**I feel the beating of your heart **

**I see the shadows of your face **

**Just know that wherever you are **

**Yeah I miss you **

**And I wish you were here **

**From Where You Are~Lifehouse**

**~Bella~**

I had been watching him from the bed, having just woken and in desperate need to pee, but still too groggy to disengage myself from the bed sheets. He'd been outside in the living room, pacing as he spoke quietly on his cell. If I squinted with one eye, I could see him in one of the facets of the diamond I wore on my finger. I liked the way the morning light played off the long lines of his body, making his slight musculature look even more defined. It made it easier to avoid dwelling on another time, another place, another me.

When he got like that, all serious and deep into business mode, I dared not interrupt him or cross his path because as gentle and warm as he was, when in work mode, he was ferocious…and sometimes very intimidating. It was sexy and scary at the same time. It was also precisely why the richest women in New York hired him to tend to their divorces. However, I'd learned to adapt and deal and maybe even love the way he was, along with the fact that he worked late hours and had many female clients…just like he tolerated my excessive shopping binges, and the late night phone calls from girls at the Center who were in trouble, and my neurotic craziness that he told me was endearing, but probably found it annoying regardless.

After he had gone quiet and I had taken care of early morning necessities, I pulled out my laptop going straight to Southwest Airlines. My flight didn't leave until two in the afternoon, but I was anxious and full of nerves, so much that I didn't hear him come in.

"What do you think about August?" he said, flopping onto the bed next to me. I gave him a sideways glance, balancing the computer on bare knees as the bed bounced. He was dressed in pale blue cotton pajama pants and nothing else, the scent of soap and shaving cream on his cleanly shaven face. The outline of his penis was visible underneath the thin fabric; he disliked underwear and only wore them when absolutely necessary. Another thing I'd adjusted to.

If my laptop and the imminent trip I was taking hadn't had my complete focus, I probably would have taken advantage of his near nakedness.

"August who?"

I glanced over. His eyes widened, twinkling full of happiness, and a little mischief as he twisted the loose drawstring of my shorts around his finger.

"Melanie from the Central Park Boat House called. There was a cancellation on the thirteenth of August."

"Of this year?" My voice was just a smidgen below ear shattering.

Shit.

_No. No I'm not ready no…_

I shook my head and let out a little nervous laugh that was meant to sound incredulous. Instead, it came off as slightly maniacal. The whole idea of a wedding…our wedding was terrifying to me, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly why. I'd said _yes_, but it was a very hesitant yes at that. My mother's words about her failed marriage, my father's words about his…my previous engagement, broken…I wasn't looking forward to the act. Things were just fine the way they were.

"That's less than two months away. Unless I get a gown off the rack, there's no way they can order one that quickly…and bridesmaid's dresses and we have to book a band and get flowers and…God…we'd need to get out the invitations in four weeks. Four weeks! Forget it. Call her back and tell her thanks, but it's too short notice. And besides, the thirteenth is bad luck. I'm not getting married on the thirteenth."

"Alright, so no to August then." He held up his hands in supplication, trying to calm me down before the crazies kicked in. Usually, if I started to sound nuts then he'd recoil and change the subject. It was one of the perks that came with the job of trying to cope with crazy women.

He rolled onto his back and let out a little sigh while he stared up at the ceiling. "You love The Boat House, Iz. I don't get it. I thought you were excited about this. You don't want to marry me?" His feelings were hurt.

I tucked an errant strand of hair behind my ear, scowling at him. "You are overreacting. Of course I want to get married, just not tomorrow. I need it to be perfect and not rushed." He was staring blankly at me so I continued in my justification of why exactly I was in no big rush to walk down the aisle. "You proposed four days ago, hon. Most people have like…two year engagements. We have so much time to think about this, and I've already told you that I'm in no hurry."

I gave him a pointed look that told him I didn't want to rehash the discussion. We hadn't talked about marriage much, since he knew I had no real desire to tie myself legally to anyone, so when he proposed in Central Park on a random Sunday evening, I was shocked to say the least. Part of me thought he did it to sort of secure his place in my life, a kind of insurance policy that my trip to Forks would have me returned to him in the same shape I'd left him. I didn't ever dare say that to him, because it was terribly insulting, but I felt like that was his intent.

"Fine," he said, voice defeated. "We'll wait."

I leaned over and placed a chaste kiss on his pouty mouth. "You're so cute when you sulk."

He let a long sigh and said, "I'm cute _all_ the time."

When he rolled over onto his side, he nodded toward the laptop, fingers skimming the hem of my shorts. "Everything on schedule?" I could hear the flattened tone of his voice. He didn't care for the idea of me going, but he wouldn't dare tell me not to make the trip.

I nodded, giving him a meek smile. There was no reason to be nervous, I'd told myself a hundred times. It was my dad and Maggie, Rose and Alice and the Cullens. _Just_ the Cullens. Nothing to stress about, nothing to work myself into a panic over. It was just Forks- plain old boring- safe - nothing exciting ever happens-Forks.

"You're sure you don't want me to come?"

My sweet man. I ran my hands through his waves. "Oh, yeah, like Mrs. Slade would be oh so delighted to push the divorce proceedings back another week because you need to take a vacation to Bumfuck Nowhere with me," I said, rolling my eyes. I had asked if he wanted to come along when I planned the trip initially, but the truth was that after not having seen my friends and family for so long I really wanted to spend time catching up and not feeling compelled to entertain him. Thankfully he understood and wasn't going all caveman on me. He'd already met Rose and my dad and Maggie during their respective trips to New York, so it wasn't as though I was deliberately keeping him form meeting my loved ones.

We had an honest relationship for the most part. He knew my past and he knew all about my life before him, but there was still concern on his part that I didn't want him to come with me to Forks because Edward would be there. But Alice said that he had something else to do, something baseball related—_of course_—and he wouldn't be attending her baby shower. Hearing that was confounding…It was a disappointment and a relief at the same time. It had been a long time since we'd spoken, and even longer since we'd seen each other last. I desperately wanted to see him again, yet I was scared to death of how it would make me feel knowing there was so much resentment and anger harbored between us.

The last time I had any kind of contact with Edward was nearly two years ago, the day that a random email from Esme was in my box. It was a copy of a news article featuring Judge Aro, being led away in handcuffs. He'd been indicted on several accounts of tax fraud, which subsequently led to further investigation into his dealings with local Chicago private schools- all of them which he had been receiving kickbacks from the institutions to sentence children to attend. He got thirty years in prison, and had to pay restitution to all of the children whom he wrongly sentenced. Edward had been exempt because his case had ultimately been discharged and he'd only spent less than four months at the Caius School.

Regardless, I asked Esme for Edward's address, and I had a large box of chocolate covered strawberries sent to his hotel with a note that said simply:

**Justice is sweet. I'm thinking of you and I hope that you're smiling today. ~B**

He sent a note back, typed on hotel stationary, thanking me for the sentiment. All it said was that he was happy for those that received justice and that it was nice of me to think of him. But that was it. To say that I was disappointed with the response being so vague and impersonal was an understatement. I suppose I had been kind of looking for an excuse, a window of opportunity to make contact with him again. After our last falling out, the night he called me piss drunk and crying, it seemed impossible that we would ever be civil to one another. At the time I wrote the note I was looking for a sign, maybe one last spark, but it was clear why there was no reciprocation on his part. Shortly after that he'd publicly announced his engagement.

And part of me died.

After our breakup, it had been such a long road for me- therapists and medication and healing and forgiveness, both for Edward and myself. But two years later, the declaration that he loved someone enough to marry her was completely and utterly devastating. The idea of him spending his life with another woman set me back about a million steps. I'd always kept some hope that we would find our way back to one another, thinking that maybe time and maturity would heal the wounds we created. I had always been a silly dreamer.

It was only a month later that E! News posted his wedding photos on the beach with the two of them dressed so simply, but more beautiful than one could even dream. The pain I felt, seeing him so joyful was utterly crippling. The spark in Edward's eyes was real. He was happy and in love.

And I fucking hated him for finding love again with someone else when I couldn't even go on a fucking date without falling apart at the end of the night.

I wanted to die all over again.

When I thought of how unbelievably shattered I was that night, it still brings tears to my eyes at the memory of being so hollow, so alone. I sobbed until I was completely numb and thoughts…thoughts that I hadn't had in years haunted me. It was a very bad time…probably the worst of my life.

I worked through it, dealt with it, moved on. Or at least, I pretended to.

It was only three months after that, when Alice and Jasper's wedding day had arrived. I couldn't determine if it was a chance of fate or not, but the day before their wedding which I was set to stand as one of her bridesmaid in, I'd fallen off a stepladder trying to reach my carry on bag at the top of my closet. I spent the night in the emergency room, my broken wrist cast and immobile, rendering me unable to fly cross country alone and on painkillers.

As sad as I was for not being able to celebrate by best friends wedding, it was no love lost in the Edward department, considering that he was Jasper's best man, and his stupid, tall Brazilian model wife would be there with him. She was probably the nicest person in the world, but I hated that bitch simply because she had a place by his side and I no longer did. She was Mrs. Edward Cullen, and I was…still just Isabella Swan. Always just Isabella Swan.

I think the fall saved my sanity, because I had been popping Xanax like candy the whole week before the wedding trying to calm myself. I'd also been throwing up because of the nerves; losing enough weight that top of my strapless bridesmaid's dress was gaping terribly. I knew seeing Edward again, after so long, after so much had been said, and left unspoken…seeing him with another woman would probably kill me.

What happened between Edward and I, over the course of the seven years after we'd graduated high school had broken me. But when I healed, I realized that the things we had been through had made me a stronger woman, despite the fact that I was guarded and terrified to ever love anyone else again. I dated or tried to anyway…and there were two relationships that began with promise but eventually had fizzled out because I was still too broken and unable to truly be intimate. Edward had been the only man I'd ever 'been with'; needless to say it was a tough act to follow. In addition to the attempted relationships, I'd slept with two other men, just because I was drunk and they were conveniently there to quell the loneliness. Yet the encounters were unsatisfying and did nothing but make me want to be back in _his_ arms. I couldn't win.

But then there was Jackson.

Jackson had been my neighbor for only a few months when I'd fallen off the step ladder. We'd said hello and made small talk in the elevator from time to time, but that was about it. My head and my heart were always so closed off, that I rarely found anyone who wasn't tall, dark and Edward to be attractive or remotely interesting. Then one night I had a small party with a few friends from work and the Center, and Jackson helped me carry the grocery bags upstairs. I couldn't help but to invite him. After that, we became friendly; going to bars and clubs, sometimes just ordering in and watching movies together. It was nice…easy, and I wasn't lonely anymore.

In my state of panic and pain, he was the only person I could even consider going to for help. I knocked on his apartment door, lifting up my discombobulated wrist and he immediately took over, grabbing my purse and shoes, calling for a car to take me to the ER. There was a kindness in his eyes that night which I had never seen before. It was concern and affection and the quite possibly the beginnings of love. Maybe it was weakness or from overwhelming pain, and maybe it was just defeat, but that night I let my guard down and allowed it to happen.

For the first time in a very long time, I smiled.

Jackson was friendly and jovial and nothing like Edward in mannerisms and physical traits and the way he was with me. His frame was thin and lanky, blonde hair and blue eyed, and he was patient and kind and tolerant, and he was a good man and he took care of me. He wasn't famous, and he wasn't surrounded by models and actresses and famous women who wanted him. Only bitter, money hungry divorcees, whom I knew he loathed. I never felt threatened or insecure with him.

And the best part was that he was _here._

Jackson rose off the bed calling over his shoulder, "I'm going to start breakfast. Pancakes, okay?"

With just a nod and a final click on the keyboard, I mumbled, "Pancakes sound great, hon."

**~%~**

"Jesus, Iz. Do you have enough clothes?" he asked incredulously, arms folded across his chest as he leaned in the doorway of our bedroom. I refused to look up at him, refused to let him disturb my momentum. I wanted to make sure I brought everything I needed. Along with six dressy outfits and entirely too many pairs of shoes, I had packed essentials for a week. Even though my stay was only three days, it was better to be over prepared than under. And whatever I didn't bring would present an excuse to shop.

"Are we going through this again?" I asked chuckling as I tucked away my toiletry bag in a corner of the large suitcase. "Better to have too much than not enough. And the weather in Washington is weird this time of year. Could be hot could be cold." Clothes had always been my security blanket and I was in dire need of the refuge I found in my garments. Another deep breath seemed to quell the nervous twists in my stomach. One last check through my carry-on for the plane tickets and my ID and I was ready to go.

His kiss at the airport was long and deep, wordless promises of love and devotion and, "I'll miss you, hurry home."

My wave said, "I'm scared and I wish you were there to hold me if I fall."

In hindsight, I wish I had said so much more to him.

**~%~**

The flight to Washington was six hours from New York, with a two hour layover in between. I'd preferred to fly straight through, but unfortunately luck wasn't on my side. Airports had been a second home to me for a while, the result of trying to maintain a long distance relationship. I'd learned the best places to eat and positions to sleep without getting a crook in my neck. I knew some of the flight attendants by name, and when I handed out Edward's autographed photo, I was often granted special privileges, like entrance into private pilot's lounges and whatnot. Back then, I was always so thrilled with anticipation to be on my way to him.

_I'd thrown my arms around him as he picked me up and spun me around, earning a few chuckles from passersby's. How __I had craved his kisses, his lips, his touch, never wanting to let him go.__ He wrapped me in his arms and whispered, "God, I've missed you, baby. I love you, I love you, I love you." I'd felt alive and beautiful and his, always his. _

This time, I wasn't quite sure if I was feeling anything but the desire to vomit.

I'd been engrossed in my book when the voice announced that the flight was delayed another hour or so. A chorus of disappointed groans echoed about the waiting area from all passengers but one. I personally felt relief, because I didn't think I would ever be prepared for this and I was grateful for just another few hours to give myself yet another pep talk.

He _wouldn't_ be there. But I was going to the home in Forks that he lived in…the home that we lived in together with his family and it had been four years. Four fucking years since I had seen any of the Cullens. I'd missed their faces and their loving words. I'd missed being a part of their family, but I had to sever myself completely otherwise I could never really move on from that life I no longer knew.

But if by chance he was there, what the hell would I do? The thought made my stomach lurch and my heart flutter with dread, excitement…fear.

It was the unexpected that frightened me. I'd seen the scenario a hundred times in my head, playing out differently every single time. Would it be the hostile version, or would it be bittersweet and tender? Would it be nothing at all, no affect whatsoever, completely anticlimactic? Would my heart be broken all over again because of his nonchalant attitude? Would I have to resort to kicking his wife's ass in one last attempt to claim Edward as mine…. Okay, so that would never happen, but a girl can certainly dream.

Regardless, there was no way of knowing who I would meet on the other end, and how I would react to who he was now. I honestly didn't know him anymore and that was the scariest part…and the saddest. My traitorous mind gave way to memories I worked years in therapy trying to forget.

"_I hate who you've become, Edward. You allowed this to get to your head and this is not you." _

"_Sorry, Bella but you just have to deal with it, whether you like it or not. This is who I am now, take it or leave it. I've done this for us, it's all for us, so we can have a future." _

"_You are such a liar, Edward. This is all for you, it's your dream not mine. Not mine."  
_

"_Then go if you don't like who I am. Just fucking go." _

Sometimes I wondered if he knew the damage those words would do to us. If he cared at the time. If he still did now.

"_I'm so fucking sorry, E. You know I love you, you know it. But I can't keep doing this. I feel like I'm suffocating and I need some space. All we do is fight and I can't…keep following you around the country to chase your dreams. What about my dreams? When does it get to be about me?"_

He gave me plenty of space after that.

As I pulled out my phone to text my dad about not picking me up at Sea-Tac at the scheduled time, an older woman, maybe in her late sixties gestured to the seat next to me. I moved my bag to the floor, allowing her the space in the crowed waiting area. She began to make the dreaded small talk with me, eventually taking the hint that I wasn't really in the mood to socialize when I placed my book on my lap.

A text from Rose said she's landed safely and was on her way to her parent's house in Forks. I told her I loved her and that I was looking forward to seeing her. It had only been a few months since she's come to visit, but we remained close, talking on the phone almost every day. She was my rock and my best friend and I loved her. Just as she'd been there for mine and Edward's break up, I held her hand through her and Emmett's. She'd been married and divorced and engaged twice since then. Currently, she was single and living it up.

When my stomach rumbled, I pulled a few bags of assorted snacks from my bag, politely offering some to the nice lady next to me. She accepted, and kindly offered me one of her magazines. I looked through the stack, eventually choosing a fashion mag. I deliberately tried to stay away from the gossips and tabloids. He was always in there, often on the cover, and it was never anything I wanted to see. Because I was masochistic, I usually looked anyway, chastising myself afterward. No matter how much I tried to erase him from my life I learned it just wasn't possible. He would always be there, staring back at me with smoldering eyes through the glossy pages of some magazine.

He would always be in my heart, he would always be my first of firsts, he would always be the one who broke my heart into a zillion pieces and then tossed the pieces aside. He was the reason I couldn't go to Alice and Jasper's wedding, the reason I abhorred Valentine's Day and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the reason I saw a therapist twice a week for a year after we ended things, the reason I chose to go back on the antidepressants. Edward was the cause of countless nightmares and endless tears and subsequently failed relationships, because my heart wouldn't allow me to love anyone else.

Sometimes I'd walk to Times Square just to remember how it was when he held my hand and made me promises when the world was ours to live however we chose.

"_Baby, someday we'll bring our kids here at Christmas and we'll see the tree at Rockefeller Plaza and take them to Radio City. We can have picnics in Central Park and I'll take them to Yankees games. And then, we'll board our yacht and sail to the Greek islands where we'll lie under the sun and make love all afternoon while the nanny takes them ashore."_

"_Edward, we'll have a nanny? She better not be hot."_

"_No one is hotter than you, my beautiful girl."_

But then of course reality of the fifty foot billboard of him surrounded by all those stupid models would mock me and I'd go home worse than when I started out.

"_Edward, they were stark naked…all eight of them. How could you do this to me?"_

"_Bella, how was I supposed to know that this was what the photo shoot was about? I just show up and do what they tell me to do. I have no creative license. I do what they say and they pay me. Damn it, you've never trusted me, Bella. I've been completely faithful to you when I had a million opportunities not to be and…"_

"_Fuck. You."_

That was all I needed to hear.

Regardless, we severed things, hurtful words in place of the adoring words we were used to whispering to one another in the darkness. I battered my already bruised ego by reading the tabloids, sulking over pictures of him with his arm around whoever _she _was at the moment, be it fan, the newest Hollywood "It Girl" or that model. I punished myself by searching the internet for news on him, just wanting anything to feel close to him after I'd unknowingly pushed him away. I went to sports bars to watch him play as the rest of his fans cheered him on. For me, it was cathartic to see him reach his dreams, while I achieved mine without him by my side to be my cheerleader.

I had the tendency to focus on the negative when there were so beautiful moments to be remembered. But they were what hurt the most. The memories, our memories that meant the world to me seemed like they meant nothing to him now. Almost like they were fake…some figment of my over achieving -watched-too-many-romantic-comedy-movies- where the girl always got her guy or the dress or the baby or whatever it was she was desperately searching for.

After high school graduation, we'd left for college that August, idealistic and bright eyed and so fucking naïve. We thought that if we'd requested co-ed dorms that we would be placed in the same building in the same wing, on the same floor, neighbors. The reality was that my building was across campus, a good thirty minute walk. It was a minor inconvenience and well, it sucked, but we dealt with it.

Well, no. I dealt with it. Edward pouted.

One afternoon, only a few weeks into the semester, I'd come to his dorm, the common area full of rowdy boys playing video games. Edward was in his room, sitting on the lower bunk with his face in his hands.

"I can't do this anymore," he said without looking up. My whole world stopped. I sucked in a breath of air and froze, fading slowly.

When he finally looked up he rolled his eyes at my expression, completely annoyed as he passed a hand between us.

"Not _this_…" He motioned to the small cluttered bedroom he shared and to the mayhem outside. _"This!_ They are fucking slobs and I can't sleep without you next to me and fuck…I need my own place, Bella. _We_ need our own place." And with one breath my world was whole again. He'd always had that kind of power to destroy me with one meager sentence.

It took some strings to be pulled, and several affidavits from Edward's therapists that the housing situation was exacerbating his anxiety symptoms, but he eventually got approval to live off campus. I moved in with him immediately, though I kept my dorm with just a bedspread on the bed because I was so afraid that my father would have a shit fit. Our lives consisted of school and term papers, and making love, and parties and hanging out with newly acquired friends and…it was amazing. Edward and I were both healthy and thriving yet he and I both saw therapists as maintenance for our respective issues. We cooked together, and slept together and worked together…life was really, really good.

Until baseball started, and then I barely saw him. But the smile on his face was worth the time apart from one another. It was baseball that had saved Edward once upon a time in his life, and what ultimately ruined us. Baseball was the third person in our relationship, this fucked up manage e trios, his intangible mistress of sorts.

It had been subtle, the changes in him, in us, but if I looked back through memories and catalogued photos, Edward's confidence morphed slowly into this beast that could not be tamed.

At first it was fun, being the girlfriend of the campus college baseball star. And then slowly, it wasn't anymore, but I never allowed him to know my disillusion with the whole franchise. I wanted to be fully supportive and positive with whatever opportunities came his way. College ball eventually led to the minor leagues and a part time school schedule for Edward, and of course, a move across country. I started a new university, losing credits, losing friends, making new ones, making an apartment a home, adjusting to a new life where I never saw my boyfriend who no longer attended classes. I never complained, never protested. And my smile remained.

A year, then two and another move, another apartment, another school. Friends lost, friends made. My goldfish died in the move. Then another year…and I never complained, even though I was twelve again and no one was asking me if I was okay with starting over. My smile was fading.

Then the Major Leagues came courting.

One more move and a house, a big house, a lonely, empty house. Another new school for me, more credits lost, more friends left behind. Edward never, ever home. His face in magazines and sports ads and women wanting his attention…my face along side of him, fake smiles for the camera. My real smile was long gone, left somewhere in Florida. I think was that last time I had seen it.

Another year. An opportunity to intern at a counseling center for troubled teenagers in New York City. A transfer scholarship to Columbia University. It was my dream…finally _my _dream.

Mine. For Me.

And so I left for a summer, not that he was even around enough to notice that I was gone. I stayed. He missed me graduating college for a game. I got a job that I loved. I counseled teenagers in crisis and I _mattered _to them. I made a difference. I was important in someone's life even though I didn't feel as though the most important person in my life even gave a shit about me anymore. Of course he did, but he was so far away, working so hard at being the best. So occupied. So distracted.

We tried to make it work long distance. At first it was okay, because he flew out to see me often and I would fly out to wherever he was playing. Our visits were short and sweet, and for a while…enough. Edward was my best friend and the love of my life, but he wasn't there for the most important occasions because he was a slave to his contract. I made new friends, made another apartment a home and refused to leave New York,_ my_ home.

Then to my utter surprise, in the most romantic and over the top gesture, Edward asked me to marry him on my twenty fifth birthday. I said yes, and I was on top of the world with joy.

And then he said I'd need to move, to be with him, if I wanted to be his wife. He was done with the long distance thing. He wanted to start a family and do things right which ultimately meant I'd need to put everything aside for what _he_ wanted. Again.

So a few weeks later, I gave the ring back and I said no. For the first time in years, I told him no.

And I wouldn't ever know if that was the biggest mistake of my life or the best thing I could have ever done. With Jackson and a whole new life away from Edward, with my new friends, my career and my smile back…still Edward Cullen had a firm hold of my heart.

I knew no matter what I did, or how much therapy I went through or who he married, Edward always would always have all of my love.

**~%~**

I sighed, looking at the mess of clothes strewn about the hotel room. I'd been at this for two hours, sweating and annoyed; my hair wild with static. I'd finally chosen a pair of white, very fitted dress pants, heeled sandals and an elegant sapphire blue sleeveless top with a lot of ruffles. It was sexy and elegant, appropriate for a co-ed baby shower while still looking mature and…. Oh God who was I trying to kid? I wanted to look hot and it certainly wasn't for Alice. I wanted to show all of them that I was okay, I had successfully moved on and that he was the one who was missing out, not me.

At least, that's what I spent the morning trying to convince myself. At least if he ever saw pictures form the party and I was in them, he'd see that I was still strong and put together on the outside despite how weak I felt on the inside.

After showering and ironing, I dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, bringing a garment bag with the outfit along with me to change once I got to Forks. I left my hair down in soft curls, applied makeup as I always did, and then I threw up the meager breakfast I'd eaten before I hit the road. My nerves were shot to hell. In my little blue purse, I'd packed two emergency Xanax pills, just in case. I was a strong woman, yes, but I never claimed to be to Edward Cullen proof.

Along the way, I chain smoked, gave myself little pep talks in between chanting "you can do this, Bella" and sang eighties songs at the top of my lungs just to release some tension. It was a very, very long three hours. Once I reached the newly refurbished Welcome to Forks sign, the nerves were back in full force. I changed quickly in the ladies room at the Forks diner, brushing my teeth, freshening up my makeup, and fluffing my hair. After I could no longer stall, I called Rose to tell her I was on my way and then I had absolutely no choice but to suck it up and face my past.

There were a few noticeable changes, but most of the things had remained the same. Newton's Sporting Goods had doubled in size and Forks High School had gotten a new façade; lighter bricks which made it appear less dreary that it had looked when I was a student there. There was a brand new grocery store and of course, what every small town in Washington needed, a Starbucks. And on my old block, the home I grew up in was exactly as I had left it when I'd moved into the Cullen's, except for the low white fence surrounding the front yard and the obvious addition of a new swing set in the back, visible from the street. I wondered if our tree house was still intact. _My_ tree house…there was no _our _anymore.

The sight of the Cullen's enormous house made me queasy again. It was still beautiful as ever, bright blue and purple hydrangeas in neat clumps decorating the walkway and on matching wreaths adorning the front door. There were about a dozen or so cars lined up along both sides of the street, some filling the circular driveway.

I took a deep breath as I parked my rental, grabbing my purse and the little blue gift bag I'd brought. Amidst the decorative tissue, was a tiny little baby boy's outfit and a picture I'd taken of a gorgeous hand made bassinet. I'd had it shipped directly to Jasper and Alice's house two days prior, something I knew she had wanted and could only get from an exclusive crafter in New York. It was hideously expensive, but I felt as though after the wedding slight, I owed her. And a selfish part of me hoped maybe she would re-gift it back to me when I had my own children. _If_….

The quickening sound of my heels clicking along the driveway were mixed with music, laughter and soft conversation coming from the house and the back yard. I chuckled as I passed Cunnilingus and Fellatio, still swimming happily in the bottom of the waterfall, remembering when Edward had introduced me to the koi. It was before I even knew what brought the Cullen's to Washington, before I could figure out why Edward was the way he was. I sighed. I was so young then, so naive.

Before I knocked on the front door, I stood for a few seconds outside on the step working up the nerve to enter. I knew once I saw Alice and Esme I would undoubtedly cry. I was so excited to see Claire after all this time. She was such a big girl now. I'd seen her in Alice's wedding photos and she was definitely going to break hearts in a few years. It was a good thing for the perpetually horny boys of Forks that her older brothers didn't live too close by.

"Bella?" I whipped around to find Carlisle and his huge smile navigating his way through the driveway, store bought bags of ice clutched in each hand. Without even thinking about it, I flew down the steps to fill the embrace he offered. The bags crunched against my back as he squeezed me, and I let out a little yelp at the cold against my skin.

"God, it's good to see you! You look beautiful as ever!" He was beaming as he released me, his blue eyes filled with the same kindness and warmth that I'd missed so much. "Alice and Esme are so excited about your visit."

"It's so good to see you too, Carlisle. It's so nice to be back home." The tiny age lines around his eyes did nothing to diminish his handsomeness. Nor did the patches of gray threaded through his blonde hair.

Could it still even be considered my home? It made me sad that I wasn't quite sure.

"It's a little weird, to be honest, though." I added an uncomfortable laugh because it was awkward seeing my ex's father, whom I had come to love like my own. I wasn't sure I had any right being there, I wasn't even sure if anyone would want me there. As stupid as it was, I felt like a traitor wearing this ring on my finger, engaged to another man, when the man I always thought I'd marry couldn't even break away from his damned baseball career to attend his brother's party. Typical Edward bullshit.

"I'm sure it is. It's the first time you've been back in years, right?" I nodded as Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder, steering me inside the house. "I hear congratulations are in order," he said softly, taking my hand in his to inspect the ring. "He's a lucky man." Carlisle's smile was genuine yet unmistakably sad. I wondered if the sadness was for me or for Edward. And I was going to kill Rosalie. She was the only person I had told about Jackson proposing. She had a big fucking mouth, as always.

The inside of the house was very different than when I'd last seen it. The walls were a rich taupe color now, dark brown suede couches were the mainstays in the living room. The Dali painting on the staircase had been replaced with a beautiful painted portrait of someone's large manly hand holding a tiny one in its grasp - Claire and Carlisle's, I was guessing. Edward's grand piano was gone from its spot, leaving a Barbie Dream House and shelves of little girl's toys in its absence. My old temporary home looked very different, but still radiated warmth and love from every corner. The sudden ache in my chest was alarming. I'd forgotten how much I missed it here.

Carlisle maneuvered his way around the catering crew, dumping the ice in the kitchen sink before he led me outside to the tent. My eyes scanned the crowd, searching for recognizable faces, finding a few but mostly strangers.

I immediately spotted Alice chatting with Rosalie and some other girls near the punch table. Rose waved and nudged Alice's arm alerting her to my presence. The second her eyes met mine, we were running toward each other, shrill screams, teary eyes, rocking in a much longed for embrace. I patted her protruding belly and admired her new short haircut. I told her she looked beautiful, and she groaned in envy at my outfit, making me promise to lend her the top once she could fit into it again. She fussed over my ring which I tried to hide for the most part and I turned the subject back to her to get the unwanted attention off of me. I wished I'd left the damn thing back at the hotel room.

Alice looked happy, unbelievably so. Her skin was luminous and glowing and the only time I could remember her radiating like this was when Jasper had told her he loved her way back when. I envied her this feeling of having it all and knowing exactly what the plan was. This is what she'd always wanted and all of her dreams had come true. She deserved every bit of good fortune she'd gotten.

I tried not to make it obvious, but every few seconds I would crane my neck ever so slightly to peer over heads to scan the crowd, as I had done countless times before. Looking…always looking for his eyes in a crowd. There were more times than I could count where we'd be at some kind of event or party and something or someone would inevitably separate us. It felt as though the whole time I had known him, it was like I was being pulled back while just short of arms length, trying to get back to him. To get near him.

He wasn't here, I reminded myself. He didn't come. Breathe. Breathe.

Two warm hands suddenly snaking from behind to cover my eyes made my heart flutter. Breathlessly, I turned, an irrational flash of hope to find familiar green eyes, however, I was slightly deflated to find Jasper's crystal blue ones. He hugged me tightly whispering that he was so glad I had come. While I congratulated him, I laughed thinking that the last person I had ever thought would make a good husband and father was Jasper Cullen. I was so glad to see that I was wrong. His arms slipped around his wife lovingly while the group of us made small talk catching up. Then Alice and Jasper left us, needing to mingle with their guests.

Once I was alone with Rosalie, I scolded her for spilling the beans of my pending nuptials and then she and I gossiped like the teenagers that still lived inside of us. Emmett and his fiancé weren't able to make it because of his work, and Rosalie was beyond relieved about not having to deal with that awkwardness.

We refreshed our champagne glasses when the waiter passed, and then Rosalie leaned over to whisper in my ear. "I have to tell you something."

"Oh dear god what?" I asked with a cringe. Those words never led to anything good. "Don't even tell me you're pregnant too?" I asked with a gasp.

"Oh, honey, please," she scoffed, dismissing me as she nodded toward an unoccupied corner to chat. "It's so much better than that."

She pressed her glass to her lips, trying to camouflage her words. "Um…" Her blue eyes flashed toward mine for just the briefest of seconds and then they were elsewhere. "He's here. Well, _was_. I don't know if he still is but I saw him earlier and…"

With a gush of air from my lungs, I dropped my empty glass onto the grass at my feet. "Rose…_he_ who? Edward?"

Everything as I knew it stopped in that instant. The laughter inside the tent had gone muffled, like ocean water in my ears. All I could hear was my heart and the white noise that had become my surroundings.

She nodded as her eyes shifted up toward the group as I bent to retrieve it on wobbly legs, handing it to a passing waiter. Rose removed two glasses from his tray, handing me one.

"Alice told him not to come because she knew you wouldn't show if he was here. But the little shit came anyway. He's such a fucking coward though, I swear. He showed his face for like two seconds, looked around and then he was gone. Haven't seen him in like a good hour. Oh shit, your hands are shaking, Bella." She wrapped her hands around mine, preventing them from moving. I couldn't speak. I wasn't prepared for this at all.

"So listen, it gets better," she said, leaning even closer to me. "He divorced the Brazilian chick. It was official like two months ago, but the tabloids haven't picked up on it yet because Edward's been MIA with the shoulder thing and apparently she's of on some shoot in Africa or something. Esme said their marriage was a mess."

"O-o-o-oh," was all the eloquence I could muster up in my surprise. Inside I was beaming, but still astounded knowing he was here…somewhere…

I hated that I wasn't a big enough person to feel bad about this. It didn't exactly make me happy, because I wished him no malice, and I did feel badly for Edward. The truth was that I didn't want him married to anyone else but me.

_Yes, call me a selfish bitch; I stopped caring about other people's opinions five minutes ago._

I needed her to stop…it was too much and I was beginning to panic. She licked her top lip, discreetly looking around the tent. "From what I saw, he looks good. Really thin, though. Esme said it seems to have, um…humbled a bit." She was noticeably careful about the words she'd chosen, but quickly changed the subject. "You've heard about his injuries?"

Of course. Who hadn't?

I swallowed a large sip of champagne and answered, "Yeah, Alice told me his elbow is shot and his shoulder is really bad this time. He missed the whole season." It was true that Alice did actually tell me, as it was true that I pretended not to know this already. It was on the news; it was fucking everywhere.

Like an idiot, I'd followed his career diligently after we'd broken up, even though it was extraordinarily painful to watch him play and not be able to attend his games in person. If our relationship ending had affected him emotionally, you would have never known it. After I walked out of his life, nothing seemed to change for him. He still got up every day, had a social life, and still played baseball with a big fat smile plastered on his face, a silent "fuck you, Bella. You can't hurt me." In my less fine, mostly drunken moments, I thought it meant, "fuck you Bella. You never mattered."

I never told anyone but my therapist, because it made me look like a crazy, selfish bitch (which I admittedly was to a certain understandable extent) but Edward's ability to move on so gracefully and easily hurt me deeply. It wasn't as though I wanted to ever see him in pain or to be the cause of his failure, but I couldn't help but feel slighted by the lack of heartache he never showed publicly. It wasn't enough that he'd jumped right into another relationship, but he didn't even falter on the ball field.

Good for him and all the inner strength he'd found along the way. Thank you Dr. Kate.

Meanwhile, I had been wholly devastated once the reality hit that we were over. I'd lost fifteen pounds, went through a case of tissues and only got out bed to attend class and counseling sessions. My life did not go on without him. I gave bare minimum with everything and everyone around me. I ended up back in therapy for a script of my good old friend Xanax and her sidekick Prozac to ease the ache and to just be able to function on a preliminary level. I hated myself for being so weak because I knew the pills were just a band aid. But I had to have something to get through it, as I was not making it on my own. Not even fucking close.

It took me a good six months to stop tearing up when I saw, tasted, smelled, or experienced something that reminded me of him because fucking everything reminded me of Edward. He'd been my whole life for nine years and every part of my existence was so intricately woven around him that it was almost impossible to extract myself from associating him with every breath I took.

I had been torn apart from the inside out. And of course, Edward played the best season of his career. With a fucking smile on his face the entire time. He made it very easy to hate him.

"Shhh, act like I didn't tell you, okay?" Rose said, sipping from her glass as Esme approached.

"Bella!" Esme's hug was warm and comforting and she felt motherly like cookies and love and home. She held my face in both hands reverently, whispering that I had become such a beautiful woman. Part of me wanted to weep in her embrace and the other part wished that I had never come back to Forks, simply because I would have to leave again. We spoke quietly while Rose ran to get tissues. Esme smiled as she held my hand in hers, admiring my ring and asking questions about my life and of course the wedding. It embarrassed me and made me feel shameful. I couldn't understand why, because that was such an odd reaction. This woman loved me like a daughter and I was marrying someone other than her son. Traitor.

The high pitched shriek, turned our attention to the entrance of the white tent. It was little Claire, not so little anymore.

She was eleven now, tall and slender with the same sparkling blue eyes as Jasper and Emmett and a smile full of pearly white teeth, the front two big and awkward. Yet she was still beautiful. She held her hand out excitedly. My eyes teared up looking at the little girl I spent countless hours with as an infant and then every chance I got when we'd come home on holidays.

"Mom, look what Edward found! Can I keep her? Pleeeeease?" She jumped up and down, bouncing the little turtle in her palm.

My breath hitched at the mention of his name. I deduced that he'd been hiding out hunting for turtles with his baby sister.

Esme smoothed back the soft dark curls on her daughter's head and said, "Yes, you can keep it, but please stop bouncing it around like that. It's going to pee on your hand or throw up." Claire squealed with the gleeful sound only a child could make.

Esme leaned forward toward me whispering, "Can turtles throw up?" I shrugged with a chuckle.

"Hi, Claire," I said almost reverently. She looked at me with wide eyes, her expression frozen. "It's me, Bella." Claire looked up to her mother, giving her a questioning glance.

"You remember Bella, honey, don't you? She used to baby sit you all the time when you were little. She was Edward's…friend." Esme clearly appeared uncomfortable with the circumstances between her son and me, as did I. But still nothing from Claire. I fought back tears of hurt, instead refocusing my attention to the turtle before I could make a fool of myself. It was entirely my fault. After Edward and I said our final goodbye, I stupidly severed my ties with the Cullen's being the emotional wreck that I had become. I could barely maintain my relationship with Alice, never mind Esme, Carlisle and Claire. Especially Claire.

"It's so cute," I said in a hoarse whisper, bending over to touch the turtle's shell. "What are you going to name him?"

She looked at me touching her finger to her chin. "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it. Maybe Edward will know." I smiled, ready to completely lose it. "He said we could paint her shell just like my toes." She slipped her shoe off to reveal five sparkly pink toes.

Esme smiled, hugging Claire to her. "She's got her brother playing manicurist." Esme looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite understand.

It was almost as though she was saying _Yes, Edward is here. Are you okay with this?_

"He painted your nails?" A lump in my throat formed and something in my chest churned. Edward had painted my toenails about a million times when we were together. It was always something we did, just like how we watched the sunrise together. "Oh, how fancy," I managed to squeak out. "I love the color pink."

She smiled and nodded. "Me too." I couldn't hold it together any longer. My eyes were brimming with tears and I just needed to get out of there.

"Would you excuse me…I need..." Without finishing my sentence or waiting for her reply, I squeezed past Alice's guests, making my way to the entrance of the tent. With trembling hands, I rifled through my purse searching for the pack of cigarettes. After lighting one, I took off down the path at the side of the house, not having any real destination, just needing to escape for a minute. I was holding it together for the most part until I saw the swing—the one from my front porch that Jasper and Edward took before the house was sold, the one Edward and I spent our last night before school in. The one that we promised to be with one another forever and ever and ever. The striped cushions were long faded with the weather and time, the wood supports cracked and dirty. I wondered why they'd kept such an eyesore in their otherwise pristine yard.

I covered my mouth stifling the sob that had been lingering there since I'd arrived. This was obviously much harder than I'd imagined it would be, and I was stupid to think I could handle this. I realized I had missed so much of their lives, especially Claire's. Everything had stayed relatively the same, yet so much had changed. These people were my family and I let them all go because I was weak and stupid and proud.

I walked out through the yard, where there was now a low white gate, smoking my cigarette with a shaking hand, and expelling the smoke as I wiped tears from my face. I then knew exactly where I wanted to go, where I always had gone when I was upset. It was probably the last place I should have been considering all the memories that were made there, but I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame…like I had always been inexplicably drawn to Edward.

I stubbed the butt out underneath my foot, making sure it was completely snuffed, before I rounded the corner. My tree house came into view and I stopped short at the sight. It too, was faded and weathered, the wood splintered and rotting in places. One of the boards was missing, unmistakably the one where the boys had all carved our initials into the surface. I wondered where it had gone. As comforting as the refuge of my tree house had always been, this usually welcome sight made me cry even more.

"Bella."

My heart stopped and I gasped as I realized Edward was there. He looked up at me from the swing, stilling the circle in the dirt that he was making with his shoe. He stood up abruptly, wearing a surprised expression which quickly turned to concern when he saw my tears.

"Bella?"

With the sound of my name, my resolve crumbled to nothing. I was sixteen again, blinded by green eyes and pretty boy smirks and the crushing pain of everything that had ever gone wrong between us.

"Edward."

Without thinking, second nature taking over, I took three long strides and I was in his arms, sobbing into his pale green dress shirt. Rosalie was right. He was thinner. Still muscular, but leaner. He smelled…of soap and a faint hint of cologne and cigarettes, so familiar yet so long ago. I nuzzled my face into his chest, smearing black smudges of mascara all over his shirt. He was comfort and forgiveness and God, he was _here_!

"Hey, hey…shhh, what's wrong, baby?" His hands rubbed circles on my back. I caught my breath when he called me that. Apparently after four years, it was still instinctual for him to use the term of endearment towards me. It was so confusing.

Edward looked so different, yet so much the same. His hands were so strong and warm, just like I had remembered, just like I had recalled a hundred times in my dreams. But he was a man now, all traces of that boy I knew and loved gone. The roundness in his cheeks was more hollow now with the weight loss and he had pale purple shadows under his eyes.

I shook my head, trying to compose myself long enough to speak. "I'm just…really overwhelmed," I croaked through tears. He nodded in understanding, smoothing his hands over my hair. "My dad looks really old and Alice is having a baby and your mom changed the Dali and your piano is gone and Claire didn't remember me." I whispered, "She didn't remember me. And you're here, you aren't supposed to be here."

"I'm sorry," he whispered softly. I shook my head again, pulling out of his embrace. The tissue I had was soaked and torn, stained with black streaks. I knew my face must have looked charming.

"Here," he said, carefully pulling a tissue out from the front pocket of his gray dress pants. He unfolded it, plucking a few large blue pills from the center before depositing them back in his pocket_. Pain pills_…I recognized them from the one's the doctor gave me for my broken wrist. I took the tissue from him gratefully, wiping my eyes and then my nose.

With an apologetic sigh, I said sadly, "Oh, I ruined your shirt."

He glanced down with a frown. "Don't worry about it. I'll get a clean one from my dad." A sad smile spread on his face. "You look…good." He reached out, curling his fingers around my bicep with a squeeze. "You're all diesel now."

"Five days a week at the gym," I replied with a proud nod, suddenly realizing that the mood between us had changed dramatically. His eyebrows rose skeptically. "I live in New York," I explained. "I have to be prepared for muggers and stuff." He nodded with a chuckle and looked down. When his eyes met mine again, I said, "What are you doing here? Alice said you wouldn't be here." My voice was embarrassingly hoarse and nasally.

Edward shrugged his shoulders, wincing slightly. "I don't know why I'm here. I wasn't going to come but I couldn't…" he shook his head as his words trailed off. "It's so good to see you, Bella."

"It's good to see you too, Edward."

And to my surprise, it truly was.

Eventually, my tears had dried as we found ourselves side by side on the swings making small talk, the two of us chain smoking the pack of cigarettes. We were cordial and polite with one another, so familiar and comfortable at the same time. There were a few chuckles and some definite digs disguised as sarcasm, but otherwise pleasant. It was slightly awkward at first and there was definitely a huge pink sparkly elephant looming around us, but we were careful to avoid talking about "us" or what used to be "us", or the fact that he had a wife that he was now divorced from. During our conversation, Edward's eyes continuously darted to my ring, but he said nothing about it, or the fact that I was engaged.

At one point, Edward checked his watch before he stood up, pulling the pills from his pocket. He swallowed them all at once, without water before resuming his seat next to me.

"Pain killers," he said simply with a sigh.

"It's bad now, huh?" He'd always had issues with the shoulder and then eventually his elbow as well, but for him to actually sit out a season, the pain must have been immense. Edward didn't slow down for anything or anyone. He was determined to be the best, and he was.

"You have no idea. I can't go more than three hours without taking the pills and now I'm taking double what I was three months ago. It really sucks."

"I'm sorry."

He chuckled darkly. "What are you sorry for? You weren't the one pushing yourself after three doctors and your manager and coach told you to take it easy." He was angry with himself. I had always told him to take a break and not push himself. He'd ignored me back then too.

"I'm just…sorry that you're in pain." My eyes filled with tears again and I ducked my head. His pain…after all this time…was still my pain.

"Bella, please don't," he said quietly. "I'm out of tissues." We both chuckled as I wiped my tears away on the back of my hand.

"Despite all that has happened with us, I don't ever want to see you suffer," I whispered reverently. That was the truth.

He took a deep breath and exhaled. "No? I would think how after I treated you, that it would bring you some sort of pleasure to watch my career…and my marriage fall apart." Bitterness laced his voice.

The sparkly pink elephant was smiling and pointing at us now.

I was pissed that he'd ever think I would be so vindictive as to get pleasure out of his demise, but in actuality, he wasn't so far off. I was ashamed.

"I'm sorry for that too, Edward. I would never wish that on anyone."

He smiled warmly. "I thought maybe you'd gone back to your Italian neighbor in New York and had her put a hex on me. What was that called?"

I giggled, answering, "A Mal Ochio. And I would never! Okay, I may have thought about it after I saw your wedding pictures, but…." Despite the light banter, the air was suddenly incredibly tense.

He sniffed. "You saw those?" He looked up at me, his expression guilty and remorseful.

I grabbed the pack of cigarettes, looking away. "Was there anyone who didn't?"

Edward didn't answer.

While I smoked my cigarette, I could feel his eyes watching me. "What?" I asked tersely, not masking the hint of annoyance in my tone. I had no right to be pissed about a marriage that no longer was, I told myself repeatedly. He was probably hurting and I wasn't helping the situation. And I was engaged myself.

He scoffed, lighting his own cigarette. "We'd been having problems for a while, you know?" He took a pause, and sighed with a cringe, as though he suddenly realized he was talking to me about his ex wife. "The whole thing from start to finish was just…bad. But as soon she found out I was injured enough to warrant surgery and an extended leave from the team, she was gone. Fucking took all her shit and a whole bunch of mine, and I haven't heard from her since. I remember coming home to the half empty house and sitting in the living room so pissed off. Not because she left me, not because I didn't feel the way I thought I did…but because she took my goddamn TV." He chuckled then, an air of lightness about him once more. "I guess maybe I had a hard time learning to distinguish loneliness from love after you, you know?"

Before I could respond or even process what he'd said, Edward suddenly dropped his cigarette to the ground. It bounced off his shoe leaving a trail of ash on the black leather.

"Shit!" He groaned, stretching his fingers wide, pressing the thumb of the opposite hand into the center of his palm. I crushed the still burning cigarette with my shoe, as he massaged his hand.

"Did you burn yourself?" I asked in alarm.

"No, no. It's numb. My fingers go completely numb sometimes without warning. Can't feel a damn thing." He shook his head and laughed in defeat. "It's…ironic, I guess?" Edward turned to look at me, still rubbing his hand. "The thing that gave me my life back took it away again."

I didn't know what to say so I took his hand in mine, massaging his palm and then each finger. They were still the beautiful, strong hands that held me tight, his long slender fingers that had made music and touched me in places no one else had…

I was completely regretful that I'd worn my engagement ring, because even in the overcast sky, it shone, standing out with unspoken words. Edward couldn't take his eyes off of it, and I knew he wanted to say something but he wouldn't.

"When are you having surgery?" I asked as he winced when I pressed too hard on a sensitive area that apparently wasn't as numb as he'd thought.

"It's scheduled for the nineteenth of this month."

"You're going to spend your thirtieth birthday in the hospital? That kinda sucks."

"Yeah you're telling me. I always thought on my thirtieth that things would be so different." Edward gave me a meek smile and returned his gaze to his lap. I wanted to know what he'd meant by that but I wasn't sure I could handle it. This caused another awkward silence between us.

As I pressed my fingers into his skin working in small circles, I made my way up his wrist until I got to his forearm, peeking at the edges of his tattoo. "You kept it?" I asked with a smile, astonished that the tattoo was still on his forearm. The black ink that made up the long skeleton key was darker than I remembered. He'd obviously had it retouched.

"Of course, I did. You sound surprised," he remarked, with a sad smile. "Do you still have yours?"

I nodded. "Yeah, but I've since added to it." Without thinking, I let go of his hand and stood up, shamelessly unbuttoning my pants. Edward's eyes watched me carefully as I folded the fabric back so that he could see the design on my hip, a heart shaped padlock, which now had scrolling designs, a set of feathered wings and tiny flowers surrounding it. It was my past meshed with my present.

"That's very cool. But…the wings?" Edward raised his left hand to touch it, but quickly withdrew it, clearing his throat nervously.

I shrugged my shoulders wordlessly stating the obvious. I'd had them added after he married. He let me go and it was supposed to be symbolic or something. "I was really fucked up at the time, I thought it would make me feel as though I'd released you or something like that."

"Oh. Did it?" he asked, worry lines creasing his forehead.

I laughed darkly, adding a sarcastic, "Yeah." As though it would be that simple.

We could hear the party in the distance, the trill of laughter coming through the trees, however we missed the sound of footfalls on the ground. When Edward looked up startled, I turned to see Carlisle and Claire at the opening in the trees. Immediately, I buttoned my pants in haste, flushed with embarrassment.

Carlisle cleared his throat and smirked, "We were a little worried about you, Bella. Thought maybe the big city girl had gotten lost in the woods." His smile was teasing. "I see you're just fine. On that note…we'll leave you two alone." Claire protested, but as they retreated back toward the party we could hear him explain softly to her that Edward and I needed to talk in private. She asked if we were having a fight and he said, "No, they are talking like friends." This made us both smile, despite the raging embarrassment we were both experiencing.

"Oh my god, please explain to him later what we were doing. I'll never be able to look at him in the face again."

Edward laughed, "Don't worry about it. I'm sure he understood."

I passed a hand over my mouth shaking my head. "Edward…are we? Friends, I mean?" I asked. "Can we be?"

His smile was warm. "I'd like to think so, Bella. I mean after all we've been through it's always bothered me the most that I couldn't be in the same room with you." I knew he was referring to my absence at his brother's wedding.

"Edward, you know that—"

He cut me off abruptly. "You don't need to explain. I wouldn't have been there either if I knew you were going to be accompanied by your husband. I don't blame you for purposely breaking your wrist just to avoid me, though I could think of some less painful ways to have handled it." His mouth twisted into this beautiful smirk, the expression did something to my insides. I don't know if it was bringing back old memories, but it was the one thing he could always do that could make me forgive him in an instant.

"It was hard, you know? And I wasn't ready…."

"I know, Bella." And it really seemed as though he did understand.

"So…I'm uh…I'm retiring. From baseball." He said it so softly that I'd barely heard him. "I haven't told anyone but my manager, and now you, but..." In a slow rush, I felt the blood boil beneath my skin. The thumping of my heart in my chest and in my ears was louder than any of the words that followed.

"What?" I said standing up from the swing. "You're retiring? After all this? _Now…_you're just giving up?" I seethed, speaking through gritted teeth. I wanted to hit him. Hard. In the balls. I wanted to yell and scream and hurt him like he hurt me. After all he put me through, the countless moves and the adjustments and the fucking break up that caused me so much pain I wanted to be dead…he was retiring? Giving it all up? For what?

I knew this wasn't about me, and I was stupid and quite frankly, narcissistic enough to think for a moment his present choices would take my feelings into consideration.

I turned to look at him, my glare accusatory and cold, yet his voice remained calm and soft, full of reverence and something akin to sorrow almost.

"I can't play anymore. After the surgery, the doctors say that I'll be capable of giving seventy five percent of the speed and power I could pitch with prior to the surgery. _Seventy five percent._ That's _not_ major league ball paying, Bella. I can't go back out there with a quarter of my strength gone, feeling like fucking half the man that I was." Hearing this made me calm down a bit but I was still pissed. He was quitting because he wouldn't be the super star that he was. That to me was cowardly and egotistical, remnants of the Edward Cullen from back when I couldn't stomach his haughtiness right in front of me once again.

"But mostly, it's because I don't love it any more, Bella. I haven't for a long time. I just…work my ass off out there for the fans and the sponsors and for my teammates and the coaches. But none of it is for me anymore. There's no joy...no passion. I'm a fucking money making machine for the industry and I hate it. I hate myself for selling out." The last part made him grimace, as though it was painful to say out loud. "I hate…fucking_ hate_ what happened to us because of it, because of the way I was, what I let it turn me into." He covered his mouth, clearing his throat. "Don't think I'm not aware of what I put you through. I don't blame you for hating me because I fucking ruined everything, Bella. Everything. I lost everything…."

I couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but I strode over to him, just instinctively needing to offer comfort. Edward pressed his face into my stomach, holding onto my hips so tightly. I felt his body tremble against my own, his strangled sob making me weak in the knees. Edward's vulnerability was always something I was susceptible to even now as an adult who knew better than to allow mistakes from the past to reoccur. But I couldn't stop it. His pain was my pain, his sadness was mine. It was as though it was imprinted on my soul, and I wasn't able to turn him away when he was showing me how defenseless he was rendered.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

"So am I," I whispered. I knelt down so that he was eye level with me, touching both cheeks softly while he continued to weep. And I truly was sorry.

**~%~**

We'd been out by the swings for a while, talking, crying...apologizing, and then eventually laughing; an unspoken understanding holding us together. We knew we both had to make an appearance back at the party, me especially. After all, I'd flown across country to see Alice, whom I'd spend a total of ten minutes with. I went to the ladies room first, to fix my makeup, catching a glimpse of Alice and Rose who immediately followed me into the bathroom demanding to know the details. We were sixteen all over again as I told them enough to placate their nosy needs, but not enough to reveal anything poignant between Edward and I. That was ours alone.

We spent the rest of the afternoon reminiscing and eating, and enjoying the celebration. I got to feel the baby kick, which made my weepy, and I looked through old photo albums with Claire trying to spark a memory. She finally did remember me, but I had come to terms with the fact that things were the way they were and nothing could change them. As for Edward and I, whatever animosity we'd harbored seemed to dissipate into a reciprocated kindness that made me swell with happiness. I couldn't have him back in my life the way it had been. It would…_could_ never be like that, and to be honest, there were points that I definitely wouldn't want it to be. But for this one day, this small moment in time, as he looked at me from across the room with that smirk…we were good.

And I would never admit it to anyone, but nothing had changed for me. Seeing Edward again after all this time hadn't made it any easier on my heart.

Four years and countless tears and heartache later, and I was still head over heels for this boy…_man_….

As guests began to leave, my heart ached in sadness, knowing it might be the last time I would ever see the Cullens. I couldn't imagine coming back here again with Jackson and Edward in the same vicinity, because I wouldn't want to put any of us through the awkwardness of that. I had to make sacrifices in my life, and letting go of the Cullen family was one of the most difficult. As I hugged everyone goodbye, I promised the girls a lunch date on my last day in Seattle. Rose said she would drive me to the airport afterward if Charlie couldn't.

The hardest part was leaving Esme, Carlisle and Claire. I asked Esme to keep in touch, because I wanted to try to maintain some contact with Claire, even if it was just an email or pictures or maybe to send her a little gift once in a while. Carlisle whispered that he would miss me terribly, and that made me tear up all over again. Then when my tears were dry, Edward walked me to my car, hands in his pockets. He was nervous suddenly.

I was queasy.

When I looked at him, knowing it would be the last time, I willed myself to not cry. To not tell him how much I'd missed him, to not break down and let him know that even though he'd broken my heart I still loved him with everything I had. I knew it the moment I'd seen him on the swing, solidifying it for certain when I comforted him as he cried. Edward hugged me tightly, kissing my forehead.

I didn't want to let go, didn't want to say goodbye again. But I bravely whispered, "Good bye," and just as I turned to get into my car, trying to hide the emotional breakdown I was about to have, Edward caught my arm, sliding his fingers into mine. Familiar. Warm. Safe.

"Do you maybe want to have dinner later tonight?"

I'd wanted nothing more.

"Oh," I said, sadly. "I'm having dinner with my dad." Even though I knew I should have driven away then, I couldn't, just couldn't. "Are you free tomorrow night?"

He shook his head. "I have therapy. What about lunch? There's this great Indian restaurant in Seattle that serves the best mulligatawny soup…." When he saw me cringe he stopped, nodding solemnly. "Right. You don't want to be seen with me in public. How about my place?"

I took a deep breath, smiling up at him. "Lunch sounds great, Edward." The address he gave me was on Bainbridge Island, an exclusive beach community off of Seattle. Alice had mentioned he'd bought a place there, and the truth was that I was curious to see how he lived now that he was alone.

With a wave, I drove off, watching him in the rearview mirror as he remained in the driveway until I turned onto the cross street. It was just lunch. Just harmless, innocent lunch between two old friends.

I called Jackson on my way to my father's, telling him what a nice time I'd had, and that to my surprise, Edward was in fact there. I needed to be truthful, so I told him we'd talked, worked things out, cried a little. Jackson, being Jackson, said he was happy for me that I'd found some closure and then he told me how much he missed me. It suddenly dawned on me that in the midst of all the emotionally overwhelming afternoon, I really didn't have time or the opportunity to miss him. Or even think about him all that much if I were to be honest with myself. Or…think about him at all.

_Wow. That's just…wow._

So, for the first time since I'd known him, I lied, telling Jackson I missed him too when the only person I was truly longing for at that moment was Edward.

**~%~**

Over the years I've learned that some things, no matter how much time passes, remain the same. Dinner with Charlie was simple: meatloaf, mashed potatoes and domestic beer. He was his usual quiet self while Maggie and I did most of the talking. She brought up the wedding, but I shrugged it off, not wanting to think about it. Keeping my voice even and deliberately unaffected, I admitted that I'd seen Edward as well as the fact that I was having lunch with him. I suppose it was because I hadn't exactly mentioned it to Jackson, and maybe I was feeling like an admission to someone would help ease the pang of guilt I'd been feeling. It didn't.

I knew my father was just itching to stick his two cents in, but he kept himself in check. I may have been his little girl, but I appreciated that he thought I was mature enough to handle myself in this awkward situation. Too bad I didn't have the same confidence. When I said goodnight to them, Maggie told me to call her if I needed to talk. She was always good for that.

My dad was annoyed that I'd chosen a hotel instead of the guest room at their place, but I needed my privacy. When we departed, he hugged me to his chest and told me that he loved me more than he could ever say. It was a very rare and entirely sweet moment between us.

That next morning, I'd woken feeling exhausted, the emotions of the previous day taking its toll on me physically. After a long workout in the hotel gym, I spoke with Jackson briefly, neglecting to tell him my plans for the day, and then showered and changed, selecting a cute pair of denim capri's and a peasant blouse to wear. I left my hair down in lose curls; nothing fancy or too eager, but still keeping in my subconscious mind that Edward had always liked it down. It was shorter than I'd ever had it when I was with him, but still hung around my shoulders in waves.

When I left, I whispered to no one. "It's just lunch between old friends," and I shut the door not really knowing the extent of what was about to happen.

**~%~**

Bainbridge Island was a beautiful place to live, with its quaint little town and expansive yet modest homes. Though my rental car was equipped with a GPS, I got lost on one of the winding roads, and had to call Edward to help me navigate my way out. He'd only been living there about four months and was a self proclaimed hermit, so he had to get on the computer to help me out. When I finally pulled up to his house, I was in awe. The house was big and classic, reminding me of a beach house he and I stayed in once in Nantucket. It had dozens of windows and skylights, and even a widow's peak on the roof. As I made my way up the neatly landscaped front walk, I could hear the waves breaking on the shore just beyond the back yard. How lucky he was to be able to wake up to that view every morning.

I heard him yell for me to come in before I could even reach the doorbell. I shut the massive wooden door behind me and the smell of garlic and butter made my mouth water.

"Come on in," he called from the kitchen. I took a moment to look around before I found him, needing to calm my nerves a bit and take everything in. The muted colors on the walls, the plush yet comfortable furniture, his books and music lined neatly on white washed wooden shelves. The décor was soft, East Coast summer home, reminiscent of the Hamptons or maybe Maine…so unlike Edward's preferred taste of clean lines and neutral colors. Edward's grand piano was set in front of a floor to ceiling window, the light reflecting the gorgeous view of Puget Sound on the black lacquer finish. The decorating had Esme written all over it.

"Hi. Glad you found it okay," he said cheerfully. I placed my little purse on the gray granite counter, smiling as I watched him plate our lunch.

"This place is great, Edward." I noticed he'd been having some difficulty, and then I realized it was because he was mostly using his left hand.

"Thanks, I bought it for the view and for the location…it's very private here." He shot me a look that was a mix of remorse and apology, probably for the crazy life that he'd dragged me into once upon a time. "My mom didn't want to leave after she was done decorating."

"I wouldn't want to leave here either," I said softly, without really thinking about what was coming out of my mouth until a wistful look passed over his face. He didn't look up, but I could see the faint hint of a smile on his mouth.

I cleared my throat to dispel the suddenly awkward air. "Can I put these in the fridge?" I asked holding the box of fruit I'd brought, already with my handle on the stainless steel door. He nodded, looking up at me with a shy smile. I caught a glimpse of him as I made my way to the refrigerator. He had on a plain white v- neck tee shirt with a distressed brown belt holding up faded jeans; a few threads hanging lose onto the tops of his bare feet. I shook my head and tsked. He wasn't playing fair at all. He knew what the jeans and bare feet did to me, on top of the fact that he was cooking.

I was a little pissed.

With a vengeful smirk, I placed the box of chocolate covered strawberries on the top shelf; the purchase deliberate. Regardless of the fact that we'd made amends the day before, I wanted to attempt to erase his hurtful response to my previous gesture. And the strawberries were something we'd always shared, sort of like our peanut butter and jelly hearts. Maybe it was asking too much but I needed to see if he remembered, and if my gesture really had gone unappreciated.

"Everything smells amazing. Where did you order this from?" I asked. He looked at me feigning hurt, then chuckled.

"I made it myself, thank you very much." He lifted up his hand, adding, "And I did it all left handed."

The thick cuts of filet mignon were topped with some sort of crumbled cheese, Gorgonzola I was guessing. He had a Caesar salad with shaved Parmesan and a plate of potato croquettes with a white cream sauce drizzled on top of them. It looked unbelievable. I was thoroughly impressed.

"Since when do you cook like this?" Edward had learned to cook the basics in the beginning of our college years (or mine anyway), but during the latter years he barely even touched the microwave. It dawned on me then that four long years had passed and I didn't know him any more, really. I'd missed major moments in his life. Maybe the core of Edward was still the same, but the extraneous details, the ones that had been shaped by his relationships during my absence were completely foreign to me now. Did he still like the same foods? Did he still line up his grooming products and color coordinate his closet? I suppose it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but the fact that it definitely mattered to me at all sort of bothered me.

Edward smirked, setting our plates on a tray with silverware and two bottles of beer, which he knew I preferred to wine. It made me smile.

"I take cooking lessons with a professional chef once a week. Alice and Jasper had no idea what to get me for Christmas last year, so I put it to use while I had the down time. I actually love it, and to be honest, it's nice to have someone to cook for other than just myself."

I didn't know why, but his words tugged at my chest. He sounded lonely, so grateful to have my company, or anyone's for that matter.

"All set." He nodded with his head to follow him outside, where we at on the patio that overlooked the water. It was unbelievably beautiful. His stone patio was several different levels, edged with a bench here, and some potted plants and bright red flowers there. On one level there was a back wrought iron gazebo, inside a swing fit for two people. At the bottom of the downward slope of bright green grass was a small stretch of beach covered in pristine sand. So pretty.

I was admittedly envious of the tranquil space as well as whomever got to sit in that swing with him. In one of the corners of the patio was a small waterfall feature with what I assumed was a koi pond at the bottom. I smiled to myself when I noticed amongst the artfully placed rocks and vegetation, was a faded pink wooden board, weathered and beaten. Though difficult to make out from where I was, the carving of the initials the boys had put into the side of the tree house so long ago were there being rained on by water. Edward had preserved part of our past with him in this house.

"I can't believe you kept that," I said partly in awe, unsure of how it made me feel.

Edward looked at the board and then back to his food seemingly unaffected. "I actually kept it for you. They're going to take the tree house down eventually and I thought maybe you might want it."

Something about his words, the thoughtfulness of the simple gesture made my chest ache. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring that back to New York with me. Jackson wouldn't understand.

"No, it's pretty where it is. You keep it." Edward just nodded solemnly, continuing to eat.

Under an overcast sky, we made small talk and laughed as we ate, keeping conversation light and full of laughter. The food was amazing and I made sure to tell him so about a hundred times, always with a mouthful of said delicious food. When I'd sufficiently stuffed my face, Edward and I took a walk down to the beach. He rolled up his jeans and walked at the edge of the water beside me. It was nice being with him again without any expectations, tension, or walls to divide us. This was just Bella and Edward, getting to know one another again as friends. But I couldn't lie and say that I didn't feel a flicker of a flame that I needed desperately to ignore.

That afternoon, I learned that his injury and subsequently his early retirement from a professional baseball career, along with his failed marriage and ultimately losing me had humbled him greatly. He wasn't the arrogant asshole I'd left four years ago. He'd returned to the sweet, thoughtful, funny boy that I'd known and loved when I was sixteen. I missed _this_ Edward the most.

At the water's edge, we sat on a piece of gnarled driftwood side by side, close, but not touching. Every so often the sun would peek from behind the clouds bringing warmth to our faces. We said things that afternoon, things that needed to be said, things I'd needed to hear. We reminisced and laughed, at one point the both of us giggling so hard that I thought I would pee my pants and it was only when Edward reached in his pocket to take his pain pills were we reminded of where we were—who we'd become.

There were moments when he was telling me stories about things I'd missed with his family, or reminiscing about things I was there for, when I wanted to touch his face and hold his hand. The instinctual reactions I still had, I was acutely aware of now, and I had to work to suppress them appropriately. It was weird being like this with him and not having him kiss me every so often, or not being able to squeeze his knee affectionately like I would do so naturally. As a woman engaged to another man, I was feeling things I most definitely shouldn't have. But during that afternoon, the only time I thought of Jackson was when I'd been feeling guilty for not missing him like I thought a woman in love should have been thinking of her fiancé. It was kind of fucked up, really.

Only once did we argue. Edward told me that despite the constant presence of beautiful women in his life, he had never cheated on me, which I already knew in my heart, though I did have the tiniest flicker of doubt. But somehow that conversation morphed into how many women he'd slept with after we broke up, which he refused to answer. I didn't know why I wanted to know; maybe I needed to be tortured some more until my heart was finally withered and black as tar. In a stupid act of challenge or defiance or something idiotic, I blurted out my own number of past conquests.

Edward flipped. He stormed away, yelling, cursing, and kicking sand while I sat there stunned and feeling like shit. I'd regretted it the second it came from my mouth. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted the truth.

He calmed down eventually and things between us went strange for a while, as though we had both sort of fought it, and then accepted what had transpired over the years. We were both at fault, me for not opening up my mouth about my unhappiness, and him for not knowing when he was hurting me. We called a silent truce, and it was all we could really do.

When the drizzle started, Edward and I headed back up to the house, just catching the beginning of a downpour. He ran to grab a towel from the bathroom, returning having changed into a dry tee shirt and holding one for me as well.

"Are you hungry?" he asked when I'd changed my shirt. After that meal I most certainly wasn't, but I suggested we eat the strawberries I'd brought.

When I opened the box he hummed, taking a bite of one of the double dipped ones. "I haven't had these since…." He turned to me smirking, his gray green eyes alight with mischief. "That night in Manhattan…you remember don't you?"

I rolled my eyes, blushing profusely. "Of course I remember." It was New Year's Eve, the night he'd joined me in the shower and well, for lack of a better description, fucked my ass. For the both of us, it was a night to remember, a night to stick in the Sexual Hall of Fame.

"Look at you blushing. Since when does that embarrass you?" he ribbed. "You were never shy when you let me stick my dick in—"

I elbowed his stomach effectively shutting him up. "Cut it out, jackass." I laughed as he groaned in pain with a weak apology. Buttsecks had been something that I had practically begged him to do for years, almost getting him to concede a few times. But he'd always freaked himself out at the last minute, his OCD getting the better of him. That one night for whatever reason, Edward wanted it without ever having me ask…the rest is a very fond memory, or memories I should say, because after that he was ready and willing to do it all the time.

I know…go figure.

Edward bit into a strawberry, the pink juice trickling down his chin. I had to look away, because it stirred emotions and physical feelings that shouldn't have been stirred, given that I was wearing a ring from another man on my finger. When he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, it dawned on me.

"You didn't eat the ones I sent you?" Maybe he didn't. Maybe when he saw they were from me, he didn't want anything to do with them.

Edward paused mid bite. "What are you talking about? When did you send me strawberries?" I reminded him about the note he'd sent in response after Aro was indicted.

"Bella, I never got any strawberries or a note from you. In fact, my mom told me she'd made you aware of the arrest and when you didn't make mention of it to me, I was actually kind of hurt. But I figured you must have had your reasons for not contacting me. I wonder…." He scowled and sighed. "Senna."

_Senna._

Nails on a chalkboard, feedback on a mic.

"She must've gotten rid of them and written a note to you. Wow, I can't believe she…and she knew I was upset over you not…." He shook his head again. "I'm sorry for that. She was very jealous of our relationship, Bella. I once caught her trying to throw out one of my photo albums from high school; I shouldn't be surprised that she would stoop so low." He pulled his phone from his pocket and began to dial. "She's such a piece of work…."

I placed my hand on his wrist, surprising him. "Edward, please don't," I whispered, trying to keep my voice cool. _Please don't call your ex-wife while I'm here._

As soon as he connected with her, I got up and went outside, standing under the overhang on the patio. I lit a cigarette, watching the rain cause ripples in the water, and in the little puddles that gathered on the slate patio. I could hear him yelling at her through the glass doors, with so much anger. It reminded me of the times we'd fought, at the end when we were both so exhausted from fighting a losing battle. His voice trembled as he accused her of having no right to tamper with anything that belonged to him, and how dare she this and how dare she do that…and then his voice became soft. I couldn't make out what he was saying but he almost seemed sad then, leaning against the wall. It was a lot of what I recognized to be him apologizing and consoling her, whatever she was saying or doing on the other end. I couldn't help but feel like there was still something between them, something unresolved, something raw. It was excruciating to see him have that connection with someone else even if it was his ex-wife.

Before I knew it, I was wiping tears from my cheeks, feeling incredibly stupid for being…jealous? For wanting him to never console anyone else but me. I wanted to run away, away from him and this life I was no longer a part of, and from this house that I would never call home, and away from the feelings that I was pushing down and the anger at him moving on even though I had a fucking fiancé at home waiting for me.

I finished my cigarette, and composed myself enough to go back inside. There was no way I could hide the tear stains, but at that point it felt futile to hide anything from him. Edward was still leaning in the door frame, looking sullen, no longer on the phone.

"Bella…."

Without making eye contact I whispered, "I'm gonna go."

"No, please don't. I shouldn't have called her but I was so pissed. She said that…." I put my hand up to stop him.

"Edward, you don't need to explain. In fact, I really don't want to hear your stupid model ex-wife's explanation and I didn't need to hear you consoling her for it. It's been a long day and I'm really tired."

"I wasn't consoling her for that. Her mother is ill and—"

I cut him off again, the anger in me sucking up any of the compassion or logic I had. "I don't care, Edward. I didn't need to hear you talking to her. I just need to get out of here."

The doorbell rang then, right on cue stopping me in my tracks. "My physical therapist," he explained softly, looking so hurt and vulnerable.

"Your physical therapist makes house calls?" I snapped. Stupid girl that I was, having no right to be angry over anything. Anything. One would think that four years was long enough to ease the sting, but apparently it was as fresh as it had been years ago.

Edward looked torn between answering the door and keeping me contained in his living room. "Don't go. Therapy is only an hour and I'd cancel it, but I'll be in too much pain tomorrow and…please Bella, please stay. I need to…." The bell chimed again, and the look on his face made me want to slap him and then hug him until his hurt was gone. That was part of the problem with us. It didn't matter what happened, he always had the uncanny ability to make me weak. I always gave in.

That night had not been an exception.

"Just….let me get the door for her, I'll be right back." For her. Of course. I hated myself for so many reasons in that moment.

Edward led her up the stairs, introducing her as Christian. She reminded me of Angela a little, that sweet, smart, girl next door with an attitude thing going for her.I shook her hand, making polite small talk as Edward disappeared for a few minutes. He returned with a stack of black leather bound notebooks, his journals. Then he told Christian he'd join her in a minute.

When she was gone, he said softly, "It's the past four years. It might help explain what I don't seem to be able to." He took a few steps and turned to look at me over his shoulder. "I really hope you're still here when I'm finished."

I stood there for a minute, not knowing if I should stay or go, but as always, curiosity got the best of me. With a cup of coffee and the journals in hand, I curled up on the suede sofa to see what exactly Edward couldn't explain.

**~%~**

Christian's departing wave actually startled me. I put down the last of the books and waited for Edward to come back out, but after a while when he didn't I went to look for him. I found him sitting on the edge of his bed with his bare back toward me, flexing his arm while rolling his shoulder, an obviously painful motion for him to make. My breath caught at the sight of him, so much thinner that I'd been used to seeing him, but still the same long lines of roping muscles and those fucking stupid dents on either side of his lower back. My tongue had been very comfortable in those divots at one time.

In his bedroom, a deep, mossy green covered the walls, the bedspread plain white, sterile against the rich red wood of his furniture. Generic black and white framed photos of landscapes decorated the wall adjacent to the bed. Not a thing was out of place except for the shirt he'd been wearing, now lying on the end of the bed.

I lingered in the doorway unannounced for longer than I probably should have, just watching. After downing his pills and a large gulp of water from the bottle on his nightstand, he began to put his shirt back on but the action made him whimper in pain. I crossed the room without thought, sitting at his side to help him.

When the shirt was on, Edward looked up at me, defeated and worn, resting his head on my shoulder just like he used to. His soft hair tickled my face.

"You stayed," he whispered. I nodded my head in response running my fingers through his hair. I'd missed this so much. "You read them?"

"I did. They definitely explained a lot," I said, clearing my throat. My eyes were so swollen with the after effects of crying that I must have looked horrid. The journal entries were so emotionally draining and so unexpected. I had no idea that he'd still written in them, no idea that he even thought of me that much. The entries were dated a few months before we'd broken up and ended that very morning, recounting the afternoon at Alice's shower. Though I only had an hour to glimpse at the years we'd been apart, it was enough to move me to tears. He'd poured his heart into those diaries, all of the pain and anguish and even the joy and happy times he'd experienced over the last few years.

I was the majority of the bad parts.

His wedding was included in there as well, and though I tried so hard to skip over it, I was a masochist and I needed to feel what he felt to understand. To my surprise and admittedly my selfish delight, he was being truthful when he said that he'd thought it was love but he was fooling himself into thinking that he could let me go finally. He didn't love her…it was me, always me. Knowing this hurt even more than thinking he'd let me go entirely, because it gave me a sense of hope that I could no longer have.

Even in the most recent entries, my name was mentioned about every four days. He still thought of me so often, whether it was a memory or a smell that reminded him of me. Nine years was a long time, and just as he said in one of the entries, his life was intertwined with mine even when I was no longer in it. It was strange because I'd felt the same exact way. He wrote of his regrets with the way things ended and how devastated he was when I returned the ring. He masked it as anger, which was why we stopped talking to begin with, but I had never known what telling him no actually did to him. I never knew… I just thought he was being an egotistical asshole over being rejected.

He wrote about how he'd been in New York to see his father and how he nervously stood outside my apartment for hours waiting for me to come home. I was with Jackson then, and seeing me with him made Edward run like hell. I never even knew he'd been there. Edward wrote about the day that he'd found out I'd gotten engaged when he took a few extra painkillers to numb the blow. And he wrote about how nervous he was, knowing I would be coming to Forks, and how he was going to pull off getting to see me without having Alice flip out on him. It was all me, all of it, every tear, every smile…all of it. And it broke my fucking heart.

"Edward," I said shaking my head. "I just don't understand why after I ended our engagement, you wouldn't talk to me. I mean…."

He sighed. "You were so unhappy. I asked you to marry me because I wanted you to be my wife, obviously, but I just wanted you to come home to me. I never had a choice about where I lived, because I was at the mercy of my team, but you _did_. I was so angry that you'd chosen your career over me, over _us_, that I couldn't see what all the moving and long distance and my absence because of the baseball shit had done to you. So I let you go. I had no choice but to let you go because as selfish as I had been, I truly wanted you to be happy even if it was without me. What's that saying…if you love something set it free…."

"If it comes back, it's yours," I added softly.

Edward looked at me then, his soft green eyes filled with more sadness that I had ever seen. "But you never came back to me."

I sighed, whispering, "I never really left in the first place."

When I looked up at him, his hand reached out to my face, his fingers gliding tenderly against my cheek. I placed my hand over his, and when he brushed them over my mouth I closed my eyes and kissed them. "Bella…I…."

"Don't say anything, please. Just please…" I begged, letting his thumb trace my jaw. He was going to say something about the fact that I belonged to another man, because that was his nature, but I didn't want to think about that. Honestly, I didn't know how to feel or what to do, but I moved closer to him, knowing that I shouldn't, how wrong it was to give in to the pull that he had on me. Only… it felt anything but wrong.

_Let me feel you. Let me love you again._

Then his mouth was moving over mine, warm breath, and want mixed with need and old memories brimming at the surface for so long they couldn't help but spill out in abundance. Kissing him was so familiar and so perfect, like my mouth was rejoicing with a grand hallelujah of being home. Edward's hand slipped up my back, moving the elastic of my top off my shoulder as he pressed his lips to my skin. With my heart racing in anticipation, I gasped when he whispered, "Baby," and then his mouth moved along my collarbone and up the column of my neck until he reached my ear. He bit the lobe gently and then pulled away panting as his conscience got the better of him.

"I want you so fucking much…but I…." I put my finger to his lips quieting him. I couldn't think of the repercussions this would have. I knew that the only regret that would result from this is if I went back home never knowing, never having true closure. Never having felt Edward one last time.

I pulled his shirt over his head, running my hands down his arms. He shut his eyes as though my touch was heaven. I nestled my face into to the crook of his neck, kissing him softly as I moved my lips up his neck and back down to his injured shoulder, paying special attention to not put any excessive pressure on his skin. His fingers danced along the hem of my top tentatively, as though he wasn't sure if he should remove it without permission. It was reckless abandon by this point, so I pulled away from his collarbone long enough to help him pull my shirt over my head.

"So beautiful," he whispered reverently, pushing my bra straps down my arms. He ran his thumb over the swell of my breast and then deep into the cleavage, and finally underneath the cup, grazing my nipple which had hardened considerably with arousal. I heard him take a staggered breath before he pushed me down on the bed gently, draping his leg over mine.

When he linked his fingers with mine, I didn't realize what he was doing at first, until he pulled my ring off with one smooth motion, placing it in his nightstand drawer before shutting it with his foot. His green eyes blazed, staring into mine, telling me he was mad at me for loving someone else, yet at the same time I was his, always had been and he was claiming me once again.

I didn't have time to think about it because his movements on my skin were causing physiological reactions that I hadn't felt in years. His hands, strong and warm explored my body, removing clothes as he kissed his way from my head to my toes. I stroked him while he suckled my breasts, moaning with pleasure and whispering how much my body had changed in his absence. Edward took his time, torturing me with the way he was being so reverent. I wanted him inside of me with a desperation that I hadn't felt since that last time we'd made love. No one had ever made it feel this intense, no one but Edward. I wanted to feel his mouth on me and his kisses on my face and I wanted him to fuck me and love me and _God_….

There are moments in your life that you know will change your destiny, moments that will alter the outcome of anything that fate has planned for you, but you do them anyway despite knowing what is wrong or right, or good and bad. You do them because you know if you don't, you will live the rest of your life wondering what if….

When Edward pushed himself inside of me, I knew in that moment I didn't have to wonder. I knew that I loved him still and he loved me and that whatever paths our lives took, whomever we chose to make our future with, there would always be that love between us. At the core, after all the hurt and the words were gone, when we were stripped bare to the bone, there remained Edward and I and the sweet, innocent, pure love we once shared.

Edward took his time making love to me, took his time coming inside of me. I'd imaged that sex with Edward would have been feral and carnal and sweaty, but instead, the sweetness he showed surprised me, made me weep as I came. His hands stroked my face and he buried his face in my neck, wet with the raw emotion of what we'd done. We cried until we were laughing and then we snuggled in bed until we were starving.

A trip into town found us a late dinner and a shared ice cream, shy smiles and linked hands like the carefree teenagers we once were. For a few hours, we got to see what it would be like if things hadn't been so different, and it was a little moment of heaven. Edward was his sweet, charming self… the Edward I fell in love with, not the Edward I'd left four years ago.

Back at his home, Edward and I got caught in the rain again. Soaked and wanting, he led me to his shower. There was no slow, tender love making that time around. We fucked and fucked until I was screaming and he was cursing and we collapsed in a heap, panting and alive and spent.

He didn't let go of me that night. We slept naked, spooning, not an inch of space between us. As we drifted off, his fingers swept over my skin as though he was painting a picture, but I knew that he was memorizing me once again as we'd done countless times after we left one another for long periods.

We both knew that it was inevitable that our time together would come to an end all too soon.

In the morning we were both quiet, though we lay awake watching the sun rise through the glass doors that led to the balcony. The ring of my phone brought us both away from our sweet bliss into to reality, knowing that it was Jackson. I hadn't called him to say goodnight and he was probably worried. With a sigh and a brief kiss to my head, Edward untangled himself from me and then rose from the bed, unashamed of his nakedness. He used the bathroom, and when he came out he pulled on sweats not making eye contact with me. I watched him dress, knowing that this was the end, the last time I would ever see him this way, the last time I would ever have him like this.

Before he left the room, he stopped and turned. "I love you," he said, with a sadness that mirrored my own. "No matter what happens, know that I love you and I always will." The he left me alone with my tears and my guilt before I could say it back.

**~%~**

Without showering, I dressed as quickly as possible, and met him in the kitchen. He leaned against his counter, steaming mug of coffee in hand, staring blankly into the cup. I stood there for what seemed like eternity, clutching my purse in one hand and my rental car keys in the other, not speaking. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to stay with him forever and ever. But I knew that I had to step out of my little bubble of Edward bliss for a minute to truly see the big picture.

When I couldn't take it anymore, I took a few steps forward, stood on the balls of my feet and kissed Edward's cheek.

"I love you too," I whispered through tears that I couldn't control. "More than I can ever express." I kissed his palm in a final goodbye, not wanting to stick around so he could watch me fall apart. In a hurry, I made my way through the house to the car fumbling with the alarm. After three tries, I finally was able to unlock the car. I slid inside, turning the ignition on, swiping my hand across my wet cheeks. My chest felt like there was an elephant sitting on it, my heart breaking into a million pieces. I sobbed against the steering wheel, resting my head on the curve.

The click of the door opening startled me.

He was in a crouching position, holding onto the door frame and the handle with desperation written everywhere on his face.

"Bella stay… stay with me. I know we have so much to work out, but this is_ right_, I know you feel it too. I'll take care of you and I'll love you and I'll make you happy I promise, just stay with me." His tear filled eyes met mine and he whimpered almost inaudibly, "Please."

"Edward," I sobbed, covering my mouth. I was so conflicted, so torn. I hadn't been expecting to feel this way, this strongly. This was supposed to be closure for us, and I was stupid to think that making love with Edward wouldn't create complications that I wasn't equipped to handle. But the bottom line was that I had a good life back in New York. I had a life where the choices I made were always my own and I was happy and I had friends and a great career and a good man that loved me.

And I tried desperately not to think about the _great_ man that loved me, sitting next to me with tears streaming down his face begging me to stay. I took a deep breath and did the bravest thing I'd ever done in my life.

"Edward, I want to but…."

"But you can't," he whispered with an understanding nod. Minutes passed in silence before Edward leaned forward pressing his lips gently to mine, barely a whisper. He rose then, wiping tears from his face and gently closed the car door. "Goodbye, Beautiful. I wish you all the very best things. You deserve the best things."

There wasn't enough breath in me to respond, to tell him that I wanted so much to stay and I wanted the best for him too, and I wanted to remain wrapped in his arms forever and ever until we died old and gray.

But instead, I watched him retreat then, my whole body shaking with the anguish and dismay of finally having to let him go.

**~%~**

**Part two to follow.**


	45. Chapter 45 Epilogue Part 2 Remember Me

**This is for Suzy.**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Epilogue Part 2~ Remember Me**

**Looking back on the memory of **

**The dance we shared beneath the stars above **

**For a moment all the world was right **

**How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye **

**And now I'm glad I didn't know **

**The way it all would end the way it all would go **

**Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain **

**But I'd of had to miss the dance **

**Holding you I held everything **

**For a moment wasn't I the king **

**But if I'd only known how the king would fall **

**Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all **

**And now I'm glad I didn't know **

**The way it all would end the way it all would end**

**Garth Brooks~ The Dance**

**~Edward~**

The air outside was warm but not unbearable, though more humid than usual for late June. I liked the warmth of the sun on my skin. The door opened and shut with a slam, the rich smell of freshly brewed coffee wafting out in the breeze, which meant that cake was about to be served and of course preceding that, the traditional dreaded singing of a round of Happy Birthday. With a sweet smile, Rebecca set a tall glass of lemonade on the table next to my pill box. I thanked her with a nod, turning to watching the beads of water slowly trickle down the sides of the glass like rain against the window pane.

Though she was paid handsomely to do so, she fussed over me entirely too much, asking if I need anything. Was I hungry, thirsty, too warm, too cold, did I need another cushion under my ass, had I remembered to take my medication, use the toilet, insert every possible humiliating act known to man here. I was fine, and growing irritable at all the doting. It was bad enough that my family had thrown me a huge party to call attention to my ever increasing ineptness, as well as my age, but they'd hired Rebecca to take care of my needs thinking it was what was best for me. As though I no longer had a say in that.

I knew I should have been more grateful that I had so many people who cared about me, but seeing all those happy, smiling faces only served to remind me of the one who wasn't there. The only face I really wanted to see.

"Edward, did you hear me? It's time to take your pills."

Those damn pills were the bane of my whole existence. With a glare and a large sip of lemonade, I swallowed the damn things in one gulp. I wanted to tell Rebecca to leave me alone, but I didn't dare snap at her, the sweet thing. At the end of the day, when I was alone, it was her voice that kept me company and I knew better than to bite the hand that fed me…and in this case, bathed me, medicated me, paid my bills, and massaged my shoulder when it ached deep into my bones.

There were so many people here; the littlest ones running and giggling as they splashed in the water with the older kids. Then there were the teenagers who just talked and talked and talked about nothing that was of any importance to me because I was so out of it when it came to technology and that sort of thing, as I had no real use for it. But at least they talked to me...that's better than being ignored. There were so many faces I didn't recognize but probably should have. I was afraid to ask, because I didn't want anyone to question my memory, which was fine thank you very much. Sharp as a tack.

Eh…maybe a paperclip these days, who was I fooling?

I remembered the important things.

A young brunette in a red bikini with a set of amazing tits waved at me when she caught me staring. These days, I didn't give a crap about getting caught doing anything, much less ogling a pretty girl.

"Hey Rebecca…" I said, nudging her with my elbow. "Who's the brunette?" I nodded to the brunette in question. As she turned, I noticed that she had a mighty fine ass to match the amazing titties.

"That's Landon's girl, I think."

"Oh," I scowled. Landon. Didn't like him too much. He was obnoxious and needed a haircut.

"You sweet on her, Edward?"

"Nope. Just checking out her rack." I was anything if not honest. "And her ass too."

Rebecca gasped and choked a little on her lemonade, smacking me gently on my arm. "What do you think Bella would say to that?" She recoiled immediately after speaking, once realizing what she'd said.

I scowled at the mention of Bella's name, but replied, "Rebecca, if a guy like me had any chance of a shot with a girl like that, I'd be willing to bet the last six hairs left on my head that my Bella would give me her blessing. In fact, she'd probably supply the rubbers." Rebecca just laughed at me, ending her giggles with a little sigh.

"But she's not here now, is she?" I asked softly, lamenting at the fact that she was always on my mind, and always in my heart. Rebecca gave me a small smile, and without looking at me, slipped her hand over mine and squeezed.

"With all the talk of her, I will forever regret not meeting her," Rebecca said, after a brief silence.

"She was beautiful, you know."

"I've seen the pictures," she said with a smile. There were pictures all over the house, of us, of the kids, of my parents and siblings and their kids, and of course all of our grandchildren… twelve of them and so far, two great grandchildren….twins with fat cheeks and green eyes. All I knew for certain was that my kids kept having babies and my will continued to become altered to accommodate one more person.

Rebecca turned to me. "She looked the most beautiful whenever when she was looking at you."

"It was the same for me when I looked at Bella. I had stars in my eyes, even after fifty years of marriage."

"Goodness, it's a wonder how you could stand each other after that long." Rebecca smirked playfully. She was jibing me because I wasn't always so pleasant a man to deal with.

I chuckled, remembering that Bella would say the very same thing about having to look at my face one more day. "She wasn't a peach all the time either, you know. Sometimes she was a downright bitch. A real pain in my ass. But you know…we worked, and we loved each other despite all of our flaws."

"I admire your honesty, Edward." Rebecca rolled her eyes teasingly. "But I suppose it can't always be perfect."

"No, in fact, there wasn't ever a time when things were picture-perfect or magical like you read about in fictional tales, but we had our moments. And to be truthful, it wasn't our wedding day, or when the kids were born… though they were some beautiful times to remember. It was the mornings we lay quiet in bed before the kids tore the house up, or that time in Italy when she and I left the boys with my parents and we snuck away, making love behind an old farm in Tuscany. It was when I opened my eyes after having surgery, never expecting that she would be the first thing I saw."

Rebecca quirked her head, silently asking me to continue. She'd only been with me a short while, and I'd told her a few stories of my youth and my baseball career, short lived as it was. But talking about Bella was still too painful, too fresh. She'd been gone six months now…it was the longest, loneliest six months of my long life. But it was my birthday and I was feeling a little nostalgic. At that moment, my grandson, Christopher and his girl Tegan, came up onto the porch, sitting across from me.

"Hey Gramps, are you telling stories about Gran?" he asked with curiosity in his eyes.

Chris looked like me a whole lot, with his green eyes and dark hair. But he was kind of short and stocky still, having not lost his baby fat or maybe his metabolism was just slow, who knew? His disposition, he'd certainly gotten from his mother; always laughing, always so easy going. He didn't brood, or sulk and he was a good kid, not like those brothers of his…troublemakers. Of all the young ones, Chris spent the most time with me. He would often swing by after school on his bicycle just to bring me a meal my daughter had fixed for me. He'd sit for hours, fascinated by the old photos I'd pull out and he would soak up the stories like a sponge. I genuinely liked the kid. He and his girl reminded me of Bella and I long ago when we'd hang out in that tree house giving each other moon eyes and stupid grins when I couldn't do anything but look. I'd never told anyone, but Chris was getting my old baseball paraphernalia and a double cut of the great grandchildren's share of my loot. He needed a car if he wanted to take that girl out on a proper date. Call it a clerical error, but once I was six feet under, who was going to question it?

He and his girl held hands and waited patiently for me to continue.

"You see, I had this surgery on my shoulder the day before my thirtieth birthday. My girl Bella and I had broken up years before that and she came into town to see great Aunt Alice and Uncle Jasper." I sighed softly, momentarily thinking of my brother. I missed him more than I ever thought I would. After cancer had taken Em in his sixties, Jasper and I became closer than ever, not wanting to have any regrets. He'd moved in with me and Bella after he and the kids put Alice in a care facility. But it was only a year after that that he'd taken a fall and he never quite recovered. We buried him and Alice side by side.

My half-sister Kimberly and her family came to visit regularly, up until last year when she'd had a stroke. And my baby sister Claire well, she had already been long gone, having been killed in an accident shortly after her thirty second birthday. My mother and father were beside themselves with grief, so Bella and I took Claire's two little ones in for a short time after her husband had a breakdown…it was a bad time. Not a fond memory and I miss her like hell.

Rosalie and Bella remained friends for years, through her three failed marriages and the births of her four kids. We didn't know it until after Em died, but when she showed up at his funeral crippled with grief, she admitted to Bella that she and my brother had been having an affair for years. We never told Em's wife of course, because it would have been pointless to hurt her with that information. My brother died happy, I suppose.

I shook my head of the memories, and cleared my throat, to continue. "You would have liked Jasper, Chris. He was a real shit sometimes, but overall, a good guy. So anyway, my girl Bella, she came and spent the weekend with me and what a weekend it was." I gave them a little eyebrow waggle, because hell, why not? I knew damn well that boy and his girl were doing a lot more than just holding hands.

Chris and Tegan laughed, while Rebecca added a demure, "Oh my," at my insinuation that the weekend was indeed racy. And I swore I heard her mumble something derogatory about what a dirty old man I was. Ah, fuck her.

"But as all good things come to an end, then she left me to go back to New York to her fiancé." I said the word with obvious disdain. The name Jackson had forever made me sneer. Thank god it faded in popularity around 2025.

Chris gasped. "Gran was doing it with another guy and you at the same time?"

"Yep," I said with a curt nod. "Your grandmother was a real hussy." Okay, no she wasn't but it was good fun to see the looks on the kids' faces. "Gran had a big decision to make it seemed. She went back to New York for a few weeks, but eventually she came back to me…she _always_ came back to me." I traced the black key on my forearm, long ago faded, even after the ink had been retouched a few times. "I was her Edward, and she couldn't resist my charm."

The girls laughed then, but Chris just said with a wink in their direction, "They still can't Gramps. Remember when we went to Aunt Tina's wedding? The girls all wanted a dance with you."

I gave a hearty chuckle. "That's right! I was fighting them off with a stick that night."

"That was your cane."

Chris looked at his girl. "He got caught grabbing my cousin Tiffany's ass!"

I waved a hand dismissively. "Pffftt. Rumors…all lies." I merely patted her ass and to my credit, they'd let me have champagne with all the meds I was on, so they no one to blame but themselves.

"You know, Miss Tegan. I was pretty damn handsome when I was young," I said, just for good measure.

She giggled and her whole face blushed pink. "I've seen all the pictures, Mr. Cullen. You were very, very good looking." She ducked her head in embarrassment.

_Yeah, still got it._

I flashed her my best smile, pointing at my teeth, "See these? All my own. And this is all mine too," I added, pointing to my hair.

Chris snorted. "Yeah, all six hairs. They're _all_ his, Teeg."

I pointed sharply at him before making a slicing gesture across my throat. "You're out of the will." The little shit rolled his eyes at me before muttering an apology. "I'm a hundred and eight years old, dammit! I think I look pretty terrific." I sat back with my arms crossed, indignant.

"You're eighty eight, Gramps," he said dryly.

"Well, I feel three hundred and four," I mumbled. I did. I felt ancient. Everything hurt and nothing worked properly and my dick was as flaccid as an uncooked hotdog. Fucking sucked.

"So she came back?" Tegan leaned on her elbows edging closer to me, impatient to hear the rest. I could see down her top, but I wasn't about to let anyone know this. It was my birthday, after all.

"Yep, when I opened my eyes, she was there by my bedside looking like an angel…I could have sworn I'd died during the surgery. Told me that she left the stupid fiancé and she was wondering if I knew of a place she could stay because she was officially homeless." I remember laughing at her and how much it hurt even with all the morphine they were pumping into me. I had never been so happy to see her beautiful face. She'd come back to me and I honestly thought I was hallucinating.

"Bella moved in with me, learned how to take care of my wound. She was so good to me; Lord she was good to me. Cooked, cleaned, kept me company, and she wrote in my journals for me when I couldn't. She was my best friend again."

And for the three months that I could barely move after the pins and rods and bone fusions, she sucked me at least off once a day, God love her. I'd made up for that as soon as I was physically able.

See, things were weird at first because I knew she loved Jackson even though she said that once she'd gotten back to New York, she knew in her heart she didn't want to be with him. All she could think of was me, she'd said. I don't think I made it easy for her, when I kept calling and texting relentlessly trying to make sure she understood how much I wanted her in my life. I would have sent flowers and jewelry too, but she was living with the guy and I didn't want to cause further problems between them any more than I already had by well…_sleeping _with her while she was engaged. Hey, she was _my _girl and you could bet your ass I wasn't going down without a fight. I'd lost her once and I knew the moment she stepped into that patch of grass by that crappy old swing set that I wasn't going to let her go again. So I fought like hell for her.

To be fair, she took a few weeks to herself to break the news to the poor guy and to figure out what to do with all her stuff, but I think she needed to take some time alone just to be certain. Because of our history, I wasn't a sure thing anymore in her eyes, so she was scared of making the wrong decision…the choice between what was good for her and what she truly wanted in her heart. I'd be the first to admit, when we'd broken up, I wasn't good for her, hadn't been for a while. I was a toxic piece of arrogant shit, selfish and egotistical, too stupid to appreciate what I had until she was gone. But time away from her, along with my injury, coupled with being forced to retire early and my divorce from a woman I never should have married in the first place, had changed me for sure. I wouldn't ever make the mistake of letting her go again. There was nothing, not hell or high water that was going to separate us ever again.

And so things with us were good…really good. Except for extensive making out and of course, Bella's mouth on my man parts, we'd held off on being physically intimate, simply because after the surgery I was too fragile to get physical. But more importantly, we'd needed to establish a friendship again. We knew we were sexually compatible, that had never been an issue. So then we had to learn to love who we had become as adults while we were apart from one another. I was another person entirely, and I prayed to the Lord that Bella would like me for who I was.

"That summer was…fun." I smiled reminiscing about her grinning face, and the way she'd walk around the house naked just to torment me. We'd read outside curled next to each other when the sun was shining, and when it wasn't…we kept one another warm in other ways. We learned about one another all over again, and we were back to the place we were when we were sixteen and in love and scared of the future. But it was that good scary, not really knowing what was going to happen, just knowing that we would do it together.

"When the summer came to an end, Bella said she needed to go back to New York. Her job was there, her patients had been waiting, and her counseling group had been taken over temporarily by someone the girls apparently did not like. She felt obligated to return and rightfully so. I had no choice but to go with her this time, because she had done so for me countless times in the past and to be truthful, I would follow her to the ends of the earth just to be with my girl. We closed up the beach house and bought a place a few blocks from her office. I started classes at Columbia after the holidays, and Bella and I spent our first New Year's Eve back together in Times Square, drunk on champagne and love, covered in confetti, freezing our goddamn asses off. But man…we were so giddy in love.

"We stayed a year and then Bella decided that she missed her father and she wanted to be near my family as well, so we packed up back to Seattle and took up residency here, at the beach house again. I only waited a month before I proposed for the third and final time."

Rebecca and the kids were wide eyed with attention, as I'd told this story many times before but not since Bella had passed. It seemed more, I don't know…poignant now that she was gone. Despite the fact that I was all choked up, it seemed easier to speak of now that I knew there was someone that could relay it all to the next generation with genuine enthusiasm. I didn't ever want our story to be forgotten, it was too beautiful, too painful, too sweet to be forgotten and I knew that Bella would have felt the same.

"We'd just eaten breakfast and she was sitting at the table with her laptop open," I said, rolling my eyes at their confused faces. "A laptop is a computer that sits on the table…oh, never mind. I was reading the sports section. Of the newspaper," I clarified for their benefit. Paper media didn't even exist anymore. They'd damn near cut down every tree in the Northern hemisphere about ten years ago. No one was even allowed to have a real Christmas tree unless it was outside firmly planted in the ground and don't even get me started on the way you didn't get a receipt with a purchase…it went straight to your inbox. Government control, I tell you.

I digress.

"So I have the ring in my pocket, and I had planned on making a big deal with a nice picnic on the beach with all the trimmings, but it was raining and we weren't hungry and the time felt…_right_. We had this pad, that we kept on the table…it was shaped like a cheeseburger and inside the cheese part was actually yellow Post It notes, ya know, because it looked like cheese…." I chuckled remembering all the times in high school that we'd passed that pad, writing filthy things back and forth to one another. I went to continue the story, but one look at their confused expressions and I realized they had no idea what I was talking about.

"Post It's were these sticky square note papers…." Still, blank faces all around. "Oh, for the love of…anyway…." I proceeded to tell them the story of our engagement, smiling as I recalled it so vividly as though it had happened just yesterday.

I remember the sun suddenly breaking through the cloudbank and the way it streamed in from the windows, after it had poured for three weeks straight. Bella had her hair up in a messy bun, little pieces hanging in her face and every so often she'd twist her lips to blow it out of her face. She'd been picking at an oversized muffin with a fork, banana chocolate chip. They were her favorite and I'd made them to take down to the shore but she was already on her second, so attempting to have a picnic at that point would have been inane.

I took the hamburger pad and wrote, _**I love you**_, sliding it across the table just like we'd done in our biology class years ago.

She'd smirked, without looking up, scribbling, _**You just love my tits**_ _**and my great ass,**_ then slid it back to me.

_**Very true, but I love the rest of you as well, My beautiful girl. **_I slid it back.

_**Awww, I love you to the moon,**_ she wrote.

_**I love you to the stars, **_I replied.

_**I love you to the ends of the earth and back again**_,she said, and I knew she meant it. I was so fucking lucky. I'd never really felt as though I deserved what she'd given me until that last year together. I showed Bella what she meant to me every day because I knew she was it for me. Always had.

With discretion, I pulled the ring from my pocket, placing it on the paper and wrote_**, I love you enough to make you my wife. Will you marry me? **_

The way her face lit up was a moment that I would never forget, even as my memories faded with age. I wished then, and especially now that I'd taken video or a picture to capture her expression because it was pure bliss. Bella lunged over the table, knocking me down and showered me with kisses. I remember laughing, asking her if that mean yes.

"You just asked me to marry you on a Post It note."

"Yes, I did," I said with a shrug. My over the top gestures hadn't turned out well for us in the past, so it was plain and simple this time.

And the third time really was a charm.

We'd had a ridiculous wedding, all the trimmings, lots of guests, a DJ, a band _and_ a harpist for the cocktail hour, because…why not? Bella wore two different dresses because she couldn't decide and I had buckets of money so again, why not indulge her? It would be the only wedding either of us would ever have again, and I wanted her to have it all. Plus this being my second was a definite sore spot that never truly left us, so I knew I had to give her carte blanche. It was fucking awesome. We were drunk and in love and happy and it was one hell of a party, worth every penny. Except the stupid doves. They'd shit all over the place and it wasn't pretty.

Afterward, we spent three weeks on a yacht touring the Greek islands, something we'd always wanted to do. We did it mostly naked. And it wasn't too long after that, when Bella had stopped using birth control and the babies came. Two boys and a girl, and then after my youngest had gone to school and Bella was happy to have her body and her life back, we were surprised with another baby boy.

My littlest guy was different, though. Developed differently, didn't make eye contact, had a vocabulary like a thesaurus, yet couldn't answer a single question. He was diagnosed with Autism, mild though, but not without its challenges. My boy progressed like a champ, and my wife was amazing with her patience and the love she found for all four kids and for me.

The time went faster than I could have ever imagined. They grew from babies to children to adults so quickly and in the process, they drove us fucking insane. Bella referred to them as her "Little Souls Suckers," because she swore they'd drained her of her very essence. But the laughter (and more often screaming) in our house was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world and neither of us would have traded it for a thing.

I'd decided against medical school way back when we were in New York for that year when we'd gotten back together. I knew it was Bella's turn to be in the spotlight and with med school it meant internships, residencies, and long hours where I wouldn't have been home. I'd already given her that life and I knew how that story ended. So I took from my own personal experiences, and went the route of physical therapy, eventually opening up a center that specialized in sports injuries. I helped people, injured kids mostly, and it was good to be of value to society. And go figure, when the girl's high school softball coach had dropped out last minute, guess who stepped in. Me….coaching a bunch of high school chicks. Oh, the irony.

I often wondered if Judge Aro had ever thought of me from the confines of his cell.

I loved my life.

And that being said, life certainly had its way of making sure we were paying attention. My sister's death was crippling, but we survived. Our kids grew up to be upstanding citizens in the world, all of them marrying, getting college degrees and having children of their own, even my youngest who had learned to adapt to the challenges life gave him. He turned out to be a piano prodigy, currently playing with the Seattle Philharmonic Orchestra. He'd married a cellist and had a baby boy. I was damn proud of him, of all of my kids.

We eventually moved to California, where the sun was a welcomed sight and the aches in my body dissipated shortly after we'd arrived. We lived close to my brothers and their families, and then when my father retired, my parents came too.

Make no mistake, it wasn't all sunshine and sparkly rainbows. Bella and I had our fights. There were many a hole in the wall in the shape of my fist because we butted heads over things that we later realized weren't that important after all. She drove me nuts with her neuroses, her jealousy, and her excessive shopping. But that was my Bella. I made her crazy with trying to keep the house neat with four kids and a dog, and my sexual appetite which had only grown more voracious as I aged. She was tired, I was horny. We did the best we could to make things work.

I spent eighty eight years of my life trying to make sense of it all, the births, the deaths, the wars I'd seen, the changes in technology, the flu that wiped out a third of the nation. I'd lived a life fit for a king, and though it wasn't ever truly picture perfect, it was more than I'd ever imagined. I'd been blessed.

And now here today, as my family gathered around me, tons of them all with smiling faces, and cameras to commemorate the moment, all I wanted was one face with me. Always that one, beautiful face.

Over the years, I'd watched that face covered in tears, spread with a smile so big it hurt, screaming and laughing and once even…covered in whipped cream. I'd seen the way she would look at our babies and how she would gaze at me from across a room with longing. The look I'd give back was pure ache in my chest, brimming with love for her, love for what she'd tolerated from me and love for giving me a second, third, fourth chance when I'd deserved none.

I'd seen the look of sheer pain marring my beautiful girl's face when she watched me suffer the losses of all three of my parents in a matter of three years. And I saw it again when the dementia overcame Charlie and he no longer recognized his only daughter; witnessed it once more when he finally died.

But by far the worst was when it happened to her. It was a slow process, one which we had expected, as Alzheimer's was hereditary. She'd forget little things and then faces and names and then eventually who her children were. That damn disease broke all of their hearts.

The odd thing was that I was the only person who she could consistently recall. All I needed to do was call her Beautiful or Baby and sometimes just B would do the trick, and she would smile at my face with remembrance. For a long time she was stuck inside her seventeen year old self, giggling and telling me how she loved my smirk and wanted to put it in her pocket, silly things like that. She would talk about things, details of times and places that I had only a vague recognition of, with clarity as though she were looking at the image right in front of her. I indulged her and allowed her to be wherever she wanted to be in that moment, because maybe being old and knowing you had little time left was too much for her to bear. And reminiscing made her so happy, how could I take that from her?

We'd sit for hours with pictures, tying to spark a memory, and sometimes she would remember and that was such a joyful moment. But it was fleeting. She would always ask to see the sunrise with me and she would ask me to stay with her until she fell asleep, because even though she wasn't often present in mind, she knew enough that one day she wouldn't wake up.

So did I.

I watched her fade, her memories, her youth, but never her beauty.

I held on for as long as I could on the day she died. My children were so quick to call for an ambulance, but I knew it wasn't what she had wanted. She'd gone peacefully in her sleep, hopefully painless and dreaming of beautiful things, and I held her hand, stroking it reverently, touching her face and trying to memorize her lines through the tears that fell upon my cheeks, until my children told me that I should stop. We fought, and I told them to get the hell out, that they were ruing my last moments with her.

I didn't speak to anyone for three days after they took her body. Denial, fury, pain…loss, acceptance. My heart was broken, unfixable.

When they made the arrangements, my daughter found that Bella had left me a letter, tucked away in her drawer under her panties. The date told me it was written when she still had her mind intact, before the disease stole her from us. In the letter, she told me how much she treasured her life with me, and how I shouldn't ever wonder that I wasn't a good man or a good father or husband. She wanted me to know that her life with me was a gift, something that she treasured always and that her love for me was unfathomable. The very last line said that she would love me for eternity and that I should come and find her when it was time.

I didn't know what she'd meant by that, but I was certainly hoping she wasn't planning on haunting me from beyond.

My daughter's hand on my shoulder and a loud chorus of Happy Birthday abruptly brought me back to the present. "Dad, it's mom's recipe…dark chocolate, with strawberries."

Instead of getting choked up about the fact that my sweet daughter was so good to me, I yelled, "Holy hell! You could light half of Seattle with that thing!" I said, watching as they brought the cake out, blazing on fire. I blew out the candles, needing to take several tries before I'd doused them all. There were after all, eighty eight candles.

We ate cake and by god it was delicious, and then they made me open gifts which I didn't want. I thanked them all for coming to celebrate, and for the shirts I'd never wear, the hat I'd never put on, the electronic baseball game that I would never play. The only thing I wanted or needed was the framed photo of my Bella and I, taken on my eighteenth birthday. It was from Chris and Tegan, of course. He'd had it restored to its almost original condition. That boy was a real good kid. He'd made me proud.

I clutched the photo in my lap, willing the tears to not spill in front of all those people. They began to put on old videos then, a tradition, and I could no longer take the nostalgia. It had been a very long day and I was so tired. When I asked Rebecca to help me to my room, no one appeared to be upset, as they seemed to understand that I was an old man and I needed my rest. I took kisses and hugs from them all, even sticky ones from the babies which I didn't mind so much, and wished them a good night.

I could hear the sounds of laughter and occasional "oohs and ahhs" as my family watched the years go by on film outside my door. Rebecca helped me change into my comfortable bed clothes and she gave me a dose of my pills, pulling the blanket to my chin and kissing my forehead before she shut the door behind her.

"I hope to see you soon, my love." I whispered the words intended for Bella, as I did every night because I missed her so fucking much and I just hadn't been the same since she'd left this earth. Then I let sleep take me that summer evening of my eighty eighth birthday, while holding the photo and her now battered letter to my chest, filled to the brim with the love of my family, and an inexplicable feeling of peace.

**~%~**

I am alone here.

Instinct tells me not to be afraid, but I can't help it. I don't like the unknown. And since I haven't been without certain indiscretions in my life, I'm slightly apprehensive over where exactly I've ended up. Could go either way, though I'd like to think I've been a good enough person for the majority of my life to warrant ending up in the better of the two places.

That being said, I'm not sure where exactly the hell I am or why I'm here all alone because there'd been so much confusion and noise before all this sudden stillness and calm. I glance around at the trees, so many of them, so vibrantly green and full of thick foliage. I look up to a most brilliant blue sky over head and the brightness of the sun leaves white spots in my vision. It takes me but a moment to gain my bearings. I can hear the distance sound of water rushing in the distance, a waterfall, or a river perhaps. This place…so familiar but why can't I place it. Am I dreaming?

I brush a hand over the top of my head….hair, full and thick and it can't be. The hand has no wrinkles or brown spots, no sign of age or years of holding children in them. _Can't be_….

There's laughter beyond the bend of the trees. I know that laughter…I_ know_ that sound. It fills my heart and pulls my feet from the dirt path and I am running, swift and fast and my lungs don't even burn. When I see her I call out her name and she turns, long dark curls sweeping over her tanned shoulder and she is running toward me, arms stretched, squealing high pitched sounds of joy. I'm filled with a warmth that I've never known.

"You found me, you found me!" she says, with tears in her eyes. She is so happy to see me.

My hands are shaking as they hold her to me, pressing her little body to mine, not an inch between us. She's even more fucking beautiful than I ever remember her. I am in awe.

"Of course, silly girl," I say. "Did you think I wouldn't?"

"No, I knew you would, but it's much sooner than I expected." She looks sad.

"I couldn't live without you, baby. I wasn't whole without you. I wanted to be here with you." She reaches up to touch my face with her soft hands. I had a good life, but I'd had enough. It was time to let go. Time to see what else awaited.

"Look at you, my handsome boy." After a long kiss that starts out sweet but leaves us both wanting and breathing hard, she releases herself from me, reaching out to take my hand in hers. "Come on E, everyone is waiting to see you."

I smile knowing my family is here and I do want to see them all, but I want a moment alone with her first. I take her hand, coaxing her back toward me. Kisses rain on her face and her neck and I tell her over and over how I've missed her so.

She tells me the same and we kiss for days and hours and it could be an entire lifetime or maybe just mere seconds. Doesn't matter. I'm here, she's here, we're together…it's perfect.

Then things…emotions and feelings…_physical feelings_ stir up in me, I haven't felt in years. Bella's eyes twinkle when she feels that same _thing_ rub against her belly. I palm her ass and her shy smirk tells me she wants it too.

"Patience," she whispers softly. "We have forever."

I smile as we walk toward our destination and I have never been so content, so utterly joyful than at this moment. Forever seventeen.

"Oh," she says, as she stops abruptly. Her nose scrunches up, so cute. I've missed this face, this young, beautiful face so much. "Um…our house here is kind of big and…it might be a little bit…_pink_."

"Are you serious?" I ask in disbelief. "A pink house…for eternity?"

"Should've gotten here first then," she says with a shrug of her shoulders and a very playful smile which I fully intend to fuck off her face the very first chance I get to be alone with her. Her hand squeezes mine reminding me that she is still the same girl I love. Here, her mind is whole and she remembers everything.

The funny thing is that it's always been Bella for me. And I know now, that it always will be. Whatever lies ahead, I'll never, ever be alone.

With linked hands and full hearts, my beautiful girl and I walk side by side to reunite with our families, our friends…where we'll begin our forever.

And I am home.

**Edward Anthony Masen Cullen**

**June 20, 1992- June 21, 2080**

**Beloved husband, son, father, grandfather, friend.**

**~%~**

**The End**


End file.
